The Ups and Downs of Loving a Commitment-Phobe

[annie24]

I don't think I would start up with him again though. I just want the chance to reject him. At this point I wouldn't feel mean, I would feel it serves him right.

 

As they say, the best revenge is living well. Focus on yourself and improving yourself, in whatever way it means. So when he looks online in a few years to see what's happened to you, you'll be happy and in a new relationship and living a successful life.

[lostlove76]

As they say, the best revenge is living well. Focus on yourself and improving yourself, in whatever way it means. So when he looks online in a few years to see what's happened to you, you'll be happy and in a new relationship and living a successful life.

 

So true!! Thanks Annie

[lostlove76]

I might just post little mini-updates to hold myself accountable about the social media stalking: I haven't looked since we had this conversation. I wanted to a couple times, but I kept the suggested statement in mind and just chose not to hurt myself by looking. Still woke up with thoughts of them together, but we'll see if that fades any of I can manage not to look at their pages at all.

[reinventmyself]

I might just post little mini-updates to hold myself accountable about the social media stalking: I haven't looked since we had this conversation. I wanted to a couple times, but I kept the suggested statement in mind and just chose not to hurt myself by looking. Still woke up with thoughts of them together, but we'll see if that fades any of I can manage not to look at their pages at all.

 

I will echo bolts suggestion to ask yourself - why you would hurt yourself by checking on him?

 

I started doing that years ago. Not saying I am perfect about it but when I get the urge I do ask myself that very question along with others: Whatever I find out, will it change the outcome? (no)

 

On top of the first question: If by checking, would that be hurtful? (as I feel the anxiety prior to doing so) 'Yes'

 

So give yourself the gift of not looking, not creating unneeded anxiety and recognizing that no matter what you see, it doesn't tell you the whole story and it does not change the outcome.

 

Keep up the good work!

[lostlove76]

I will echo bolts suggestion to ask yourself - why you would hurt yourself by checking on him?

 

I started doing that years ago. Not saying I am perfect about it but when I get the urge I do ask myself that very question along with others: Whatever I find out, will it change the outcome? (no)

 

On top of the first question: If by checking, would that be hurtful? (as I feel the anxiety prior to doing so) 'Yes'

 

So give yourself the gift of not looking, not creating unneeded anxiety and recognizing that no matter what you see, it doesn't tell you the whole story and it does not change the outcome.

 

Keep up the good work!

 

Thanks!!

 

Okay, so that's a good one to add to it: Whatever I find out, will it change the outcome?

 

I'm going to write these on a post it and stick it on my laptop, for real.

 

It would give me SO much satisfaction to see any signs of them not together - either them unfriending each other, or her going back home (where she belongs!), or her with some other guy. But the chances of that happening are slim to none, by the looks of things. And if that does ever happen, then he will call me (and I won't answer, but I'll get the satisfaction of ignoring). So no, nothing I see will change the outcome, especially big picture. No matter what happens, he's still there, and I'm still here, and I couldn't take him back after this level of betrayal anyways. And like you're saying, whatever I see - whether "good" or "bad" - it doesn't tell the whole story.

 

Will the urge to look ever lessen? I imagine it won't, until I no longer care at all, which is going to be a while. But even then, I can just see being curious one day, looking because I think I'm over it, and having a big letdown and set back. Can we all just go back to the days before social media existed, please?!? Ugh, it sure makes everything 100 times more difficult, doesn't it.

[reinventmyself]

Will the urge to look ever lessen? I imagine it won't, until I no longer care at all, which is going to be a while. But even then, I can just see being curious one day, looking because I think I'm over it, and having a big letdown and set back. Can we all just go back to the days before social media existed, please?!? Ugh, it sure makes everything 100 times more difficult, doesn't it.

 

My personal experience is the urge does not lesson, much. Sorry, but true

But with practicing not looking, I do get better. You need to reward yourself when you make the choice to not look.

It reinforces it.

When I feel the urge and the anxiety increases, I recognize the fact that the anxiety lessons when I make the choice to abstain.

Acknowledge/reward/reinforce

[lostlove76]

Okay, thanks. I've also noticed what you're saying, in the moment (not sure if you mean in the moment, or over time - about the anxiety lessening when you make the choice to abstain). I'll feel a big urge to look, but will keep scrolling through my newsfeed instead, and a couple minutes later I'll realize that the urge was forgotten as I scrolled. So really at this point, it's mostly a matter of getting through those 15 to 30 second urges and letting them pass. I may have to do that 20 times a day, but it's better than it was before, when the urge was constant. So that's some progress, at least.

[boltnrun]

You will stop wanting to look, once you have your life the way you want it. You'll be way too busy to bother seeing what they're doing.

 

On an side note, my ex put a comment on something I posted on Facebook today. A very rude, offensive comment, then put "just joking, how are you?". I deleted the comment and then ignored him. He's just not going to give up, not because he loves me but because he can't stand the fact that one of his exes doesn't want him. Plus, he's probably fighting with the woman he dumped me for, so he's frantically looking for someone to make himself feel better. I find it annoying but amusing at the same time.

 

And I once desperately wanted this man to love me. Ironic, isn't it?

[lostlove76]

You will stop wanting to look, once you have your life the way you want it. You'll be way too busy to bother seeing what they're doing.

 

On an side note, my ex put a comment on something I posted on Facebook today. A very rude, offensive comment, then put "just joking, how are you?". I deleted the comment and then ignored him. He's just not going to give up, not because he loves me but because he can't stand the fact that one of his exes doesn't want him. Plus, he's probably fighting with the woman he dumped me for, so he's frantically looking for someone to make himself feel better. I find it annoying but amusing at the same time.

 

And I once desperately wanted this man to love me. Ironic, isn't it?

 

Yes it is, and I'm so glad you are way beyond it

 

He's your friend on Facebook?? That actually surprises me.

 

"Plus, he's probably fighting with the woman he dumped me for, so he's frantically looking for someone to make himself feel better."

It's good you recognize this. I will recognize it if mine ever calls again - I'll know exactly why he's doing it (but it will still feel good to ignore). SO many men do this, UGH. I've said it before, but I almost hate men. So many of them are so selfish and heartless and pathetic.

[boltnrun]

I just got done un-friending him.

 

I'm close to many of his family members so I was thinking more about them than I was about him. Because they sometimes ask if he and I are "good", meaning are we friendly, because it makes them uncomfortable. But really, he wrote something so offensive that I can't understand why he thought I would be OK with it. He's just so furious that I don't want him.

 

I saw one of his other exes a couple of weeks ago. He used to contact her too whenever he fought with his girlfriend. But this other ex has a boyfriend now so I guess he (temporarily) gave up on her. Two of his other exes also have boyfriends, so I guess he gave up on them too. That just leaves me who is totally single. It's even more stupid because I live about 5 hours away from him, so it's not like we can just hang out!

 

Here's hoping he and the girlfriend make up soon so he'll stop trying to find ways to contact me.

 

Some day you too will find it annoying if/when your ex tries to contact you to use you to make himself feel better. It's insulting that they would think we can't see through it, or that we want them so badly we'll put up with anything just so they'll deign to speak to us. Dude, please!

[lostlove76]

"Dude, please!" Hahaa. Yes, it IS insulting. Good on you for unfriending!! Mine has an ex he would call every time things went south with us or with anyone else. And this girl didn't see through it. She was really nice to him, and would start posting all over his page again each time. He would talk to her for a couple weeks and then stop, a couple times a year. She lived hours away, as well, and sometimes he would even go visit for a few days. This was all before she and I talked, and she has since blocked him and told him she wants nothing more to do with him. I've always told myself that I will never be her. I will never be nice to him and be "friends" if he calls when the next fling or relationship ends, whether with this current one or into the future. Screw that! (.......but it would still feel really good to ignore him Hopefully one day I won't even care about that, and will just find it annoying like you do).

[boltnrun]

He does have my number (got it from his niece), but he can't text or call me because his girlfriend has access to his account. If she sees he called or texted me she would punch him...literally. She's already beaten him up a couple of times (of course, he beats her up too). So he has no way to contact me anymore except for sending a message through his sister or his niece (which he's done before...). He tried to come visit me a couple of weeks ago but I told him he can't come. And then continued ignoring him. His sister told me that he was planning to take his 12 year old (!) nephew with him to drive out to see me. What a great plan! NOT!

 

His sister is really the only one I'm still friends with. And she has no problem whatsoever with me and him not speaking. She thinks he acts stupid too lol.

 

Glad to see you won't allow him to demote you to someone he uses to make himself feel better. Be prepared for him to say all those pretty things that used to work so well on you...he won't mean them.

[lostlove76]

He does have my number (got it from his niece), but he can't text or call me because his girlfriend has access to his account. If she sees he called or texted me she would punch him...literally. She's already beaten him up a couple of times (of course, he beats her up too). So he has no way to contact me anymore except for sending a message through his sister or his niece (which he's done before...). He tried to come visit me a couple of weeks ago but I told him he can't come. And then continued ignoring him. His sister told me that he was planning to take his 12 year old (!) nephew with him to drive out to see me. What a great plan! NOT!

 

His sister is really the only one I'm still friends with. And she has no problem whatsoever with me and him not speaking. She thinks he acts stupid too lol.

 

God, what a mess of a relationship they have! They totally deserve each other. Although his girlfriend is obviously no peach herself, it would be awesome if she dropped him and left him a lonely pit of emptiness with no one to turn to ('cause you're smart enough not to be there!). I just can't staaaaand that these people get away with all this selfishness and manipulation.

 

Glad to see you won't allow him to demote you to someone he uses to make himself feel better. Be prepared for him to say all those pretty things that used to work so well on you...he won't mean them.

 

I doubt I will ever talk to him again. I've thought about it, about whether or not I would ever answer the phone in the future. And I don't think I would, because I know I can't trust anything that comes out of his mouth. And I kind of hate him for everything he's done. It would feel really good to tell him to eff off, but even that would be a waste of breath. So I would probably just ignore.

[boltnrun]

He'll probably text you "hey".

 

It's hilarious how these guys use the same old tactics and are totally shocked when they don't work anymore. They are stuck in the same place and just can't comprehend that we aren't still there too. I know my ex refuses to believe that I'm not still panting after him. Well, he can sit there and wait for me to chase after him, until he's old(er) and gray (oops, he lost his hair already).

 

And his girlfriend won't dump him. No one wants her either, so they cling together because they know no one else wants them.

 

I don't consider him "getting away" with anything. He's middle-aged, overweight due to excessive drinking and eating nothing but fast food, bald (I personally don't mind bald men at all but he's SO upset about losing his hair), has erectile dysfunction, had essentially no job, uses and sells drugs, has only one friend left and only has his loser girlfriend to keep him company. He lost his drivers' license long ago and has never had a bank account so he has no credit history. Can't buy a car or a condo. Lives in a converted auto repair shop office. His face is rough looking due to the drinking and drug use. He accomplishes absolutely nothing.

 

So, I can't see that he "got away" with anything. Time and his own actions took their toll on him.

 

I, on the other hand, have a terrific job with great, caring coworkers. I have a group of fantastic, generous and loving friends and a wonderful family. I live in a city I love. I am making decent money and have enough left over to take weekend trips and buy myself fun stuff pretty frequently. I'm getting a raise in September and will be able to buy a new car next month. And, I don't look bad for my age...I'm often taken for being 10 years younger than I actually am. When I do get myself out there I get attention from nice men.

 

So really, who made out better??

 

As for you...you are going to do positive things to get your life the way you want it. You are going to do work so that you can open all kinds of opportunities for yourself. You're still fairly young, so you have plenty of time to find a wonderful man who will actually keep the promises he makes, and who will be devoted to you and only you. Who will be sober and who won't disappear whenever things get uncomfortable for him. You will!

[lostlove76]

You're so kind, thank you! I hope your last paragraph is true. I know I have to make it so.

 

I wish my ex was as bad off and unappealing as yours. He's still got his looks, and I'm sure he's happy as a clam living it up with Ms. Trashy (or technically, Mrs. Trashy). Same with her. She's done all these awful things, and yet she's having the time of her life. It will take awhile before their crappy choices catch up with them.

 

Your life sounds amazing I'm sure your ex knows deep down that he doesn't deserve you, and that's why he's with someone just like him!

[boltnrun]

You're so kind, thank you! I hope your last paragraph is true. I know I have to make it so.

 

I wish my ex was as bad off and unappealing as yours. He's still got his looks, and I'm sure he's happy as a clam living it up with Ms. Trashy (or technically, Mrs. Trashy). Same with her. She's done all these awful things, and yet she's having the time of her life. It will take awhile before their crappy choices catch up with them.

 

Your life sounds amazing I'm sure your ex knows deep down that he doesn't deserve you, and that's why he's with someone just like him!

 

Actually, it's the exact opposite.

 

He told me when we were dating that he wanted to find someone just like him and that he wouldn't give up until he found her. Well, he did. She is PERFECT for him.

 

He actually found me boring. I loved him consistently, didn't cause drama and was at his side whenever he wanted me to be. BORRRINGGGG!! He wants, craves, NEEDS drama, fighting and uncertainty.

 

The ONLY time he pursues me is if they are fighting. Otherwise, I hear nothing from him. He wants to be able to use me to soothe himself (since he is incapable of self-soothing...something most of us learn as infants).

 

So it's not that he thinks he doesn't deserve me. He doesn't want me until no one else wants him.

 

Fortunately, I don't want him under any circumstances. The only emotions I feel toward him are annoyance, disgust, and anger (at myself) for allowing him into my life for so long. He reminds me of when I was at my worst self. It's embarrassing, which is why I react so strongly to him trying to contact me.

 

I know you will feel the same someday. You just need to remember that you are actually better off without him, not worse.

[lostlove76]

I guess it goes back to craziness seeking it's own level. You would think someone would want someone who is sane and consistently loving, but yours is a perfect example of this not being true. Of course, I guess I myself also find "sane" and "consistent" boring, or else I wouldn't have been so hooked on my guy. So it works for both genders. Guys always go for the crazy girls, and girls always go for the a**holes. Depressing!!! It almost just makes me want to say eff it, and go bat$hit crazy myself, and then maybe I'll get the guy I want. Just kidding (kind of) It's crossed my mind though. Instead of hiding the crazy (because hey, we all have a little bit of crazy), just let it all hang out. Would be an interesting experiment, anyway.

[boltnrun]

See, that's another generalization.

 

Healthy men are not attracted to "crazy". And healthy women are not attracted to "crazy". Only unhealthy ones are.

 

If you want to attract another man like your ex, sure, go ahead and "let out" the crazy. Or, in that case you may as well have continued with the hamster wheel of your ex.

 

But it seemed to me that you didn't really like it all that much.

 

I don't have any "crazy" to "let out", BTW. I have not and will not burn down houses, punch a guy I'm dating because he did something I don't like, break into houses, slash tires, hunt down and beat up a woman because a guy I'm seeing cheated on me with her, etc. I've never even had the urge to do those things. Not even when I was at my worst with my ex.

 

I don't recommend you try that route, unless, of course, you want another man like your ex. But I don't think you really do. And I'm hoping your previous post was tongue in cheek. It was, right?

[lostlove76]

Yes, it was mostly tongue in cheek. I just find it discouraging that the crazy women are the ones men stick with and pine over, while people like myself get left in the dust. I understand that it's usually the unhealthy guys who go for the crazy women. Buuuut, I've read quite a few threads here lately where seemingly normal men are still pining over the crazy ex girlfriend. Maybe they're codependent or whatnot, but they're still generally good guys (it seems from their posts). A couple of them now have a good girl they're seeing, someone they find sweet and attractive and have other good qualities, yet they can't fully let go of the crazy horrible ex. It's discouraging!!! My own "crazy" isn't really all that "crazy" - it's the stuff I've shown here, with my insecurities and anxieties and such. I don't have any house-burning, violent tendencies to show either (thank goodness!).

 

No, I don't want another guy like my ex. Well, let me rephrase: I don't want anyone who has all his horrible negatives. But I DO want someone with all his wonderful positives. Still working on not separating the two and thinking he was such a good guy "if only...."

[boltnrun]

Being unhealthy doesn't mean someone can't be nice either.

 

I am "nice". But I still wanted my ex when I was with him.

 

And remember...this site is for people who are having problems in their relationships. People in healthy, fulfilling relationships are not going to post on ENA! So if you basing your findings on this site, your data is very skewed.

 

Also remember, it's the "if onlys" that make a man unsuitable for you.

[lostlove76]

Yes. I might be spending too much time on here, and all the googling I've done. It really might be skewing my views (I realized this long ago and mentioned it here, and then proceeded to keep doing it anyways). It's all very depressing. At the same time, it's really been of great help in distracting me from my own misery, to read and comment on other threads. So I guess it has its pros and cons.

 

I just hope I can one day find someone I am as intensely attracted to (physically, mentally, and emotionally) as my ex, who doesn't treat me horribly. I want stable, but not boring. My focus right now should just be on getting healthy, I know.

[lostlove76]

Oh, and another mini-update: I've now made it 24+ hours with no page-checking, woo-hoo!

[boltnrun]

I'm glad you are making progress! That is a positive.

 

I think if you keep doing what you've done the past 24 hours, you will make it for a lot longer. Maybe even forever.

 

And with the many millions of men on the planet, there's a pretty good chance there is more than one attractive man out there

[lostlove76]

Thanks bolt

 

"And with the many millions of men on the planet, there's a pretty good chance there is more than one attractive man out there"

Haha, let's hope so!!

[boltnrun]

I see lots of them every single day. And no, they're not all taken.

 

Case in point...I worked a charity event recently where there were dozens of single men my age. Unfortunately, I was un-shampooed in yoga pants and a baggy t-shirt with no makeup on Lost opportunity lol!