The Ups and Downs of Loving a Commitment-Phobe

[lostlove76]

He called because he wants things back the way they were. Not because he wants things to progress.

 

OR...he called because he was lonely and wanted someone to talk to and he knows trusty old you would be there. At least you showed him he's wrong about that.

 

And really..."hey" again???!!!

 

EXACTLY. This was exactly how I felt when he called. I knew this is what he was doing. For a little bit this morning, I was trying to figure out if maybe I could be wrong, but I quickly went back to feeling like he was just calling because things with what's-her-face must have hit the rocks, and he called me for comfort. He was lonely. I don't think he would have fully ended things before, because he wanted things to stay the way they were, as you said. He doesn't want to progress. Because he's a jerk.

[lostlove76]

So, now you get to backslide.

 

You got what you wanted. . just a flicker of contact. .a breadcrumb if you will.

Much like an addict you got your hit. It could have been worse, you could have talked to him - but you got a fix, never the less.

 

Now starts the detox all over again.

Are you ready? Because I will guarantee it's coming.

 

How will you feel 2 weeks from now when he hasn't called and you again have dedicated so much head space and precious time trying to decode why, why!?

 

I don't know about you, but one thing I know for sure is I don't ever want to start over at the beginning (or something close) again, only to relive the same anxiety and despair over and over.

 

Once is enough for me.

 

I can see why you would think this, but I don't think I'll backslide. I think I got what I wanted and now I can move on. I think I really need to strive to stay in this mindset, because for today at least, it's been working. I've felt so much better today. And like I said, I'll take whatever I can get to get out of this awful funk. If him trying to call is what it took, then I'm okay with that. I hope I'm not wrong! I hope I don't backslide tomorrow! But like you say, I do NOT want to start over at the beginning. No way, can't do it.

 

I honestly think you are doing what you have always done.

Trying to teach him a lesson and hoping for a different outcome.

Maybe part of me. But I think my "hoping for a different outcome" is soooooooo much less than it was before. At this point, I don't really believe he could or would step it up.

 

I'll say it again: I do hope that tomorrow I'm not feeling worse again! I guess we'll see.

[mykoreanlove]

I appreciate your response to my own thread and it was a really great advice. Thank you!

 

As you know, I lost the woman I love because of my immature behavior. I always thought I could get away with it because I know how much she's into me at that time. One day, I was just surprised that after I said something f**k*d up again, she suddenly told me that we need to stop talking. I didn't really think she was that serious up until she started ignoring me. After a few days of silence from her, I started begging and pleading, she told me to stop. A week has passed, and I never heard anything from her. That's when I realized she's totally cutting our ties and that I really made a huge mistake. It took a while for me to realize what those mistakes were and how I can work on them.

 

Now I'm telling you part of my story because I can see that somehow, I was similar to your ex. Although I was not as bad as he was, I was immature too and too complacent with my relationship. We were in a four-hour away LDR as well. Good job on not giving in to his calling and texting you! I am not sure if you want to move on or is still hoping he would come back but as you said that "although I can't lie and say I wouldn't take him back if he was ready to 100% commit", I'd say give it more time. Pull away from him completely. He probably doesn't realize it but he certainly needs space and time to figure out what he is doing wrong. If he really loves you, he will sooner or later understand what your silence means and make himself a better man to deserve you.

[lostlove76]

I appreciate your response to my own thread and it was a really great advice. Thank you!

 

As you know, I lost the woman I love because of my immature behavior. I always thought I could get away with it because I know how much she's into me at that time. One day, I was just surprised that after I said something f**k*d up again, she suddenly told me that we need to stop talking. I didn't really think she was that serious up until she started ignoring me. After a few days of silence from her, I started begging and pleading, she told me to stop. A week has passed, and I never heard anything from her. That's when I realized she's totally cutting our ties and that I really made a huge mistake. It took a while for me to realize what those mistakes were and how I can work on them.

 

Now I'm telling you part of my story because I can see that somehow, I was similar to your ex. Although I was not as bad as he was, I was immature too and too complacent with my relationship. We were in a four-hour away LDR as well. Good job on not giving in to his calling and texting you! I am not sure if you want to move on or is still hoping he would come back but as you said that "although I can't lie and say I wouldn't take him back if he was ready to 100% commit", I'd say give it more time. Pull away from him completely. He probably doesn't realize it but he certainly needs space and time to figure out what he is doing wrong. If he really loves you, he will sooner or later understand what your silence means and make himself a better man to deserve you.

 

Thank you so much!!! (To the rest of you, I'm still catching up post by post on the rest of comments, and I'm behind, but I had just commented on his thread and saw that he posted on mine so I skipped ahead). Mykoreanlove, I really appreciate you coming to see my situation and giving your input!! I took a screenshot of your post, and I will stick with giving it more time to see if he realizes. At this point, the hopes are low that he'll ever give me the commitment I want. But while I do NC for my own good, if it ever has the side effect of him maturing and realizing what's important and being willing to completely commit, then I would certainly take it since we had such a great connection. Thanks again for your words, and I'll keep following your story on your thread and I'm willing to help any way I can

[boltnrun]

Oh no...

 

Umpteen gazillion posts about how he's proven he will not be the man you need him to be (hello, CHEATING!!!), ONE post from ONE man who realized the error of his ways, and you're back to "giving it more time to see if he realizes"???

 

Hasn't he had almost two years already?

[mykoreanlove]

Oh no...

 

Umpteen gazillion posts about how he's proven he will not be the man you need him to be (hello, CHEATING!!!), ONE post from ONE man who realized the error of his ways, and you're back to "giving it more time to see if he realizes"???

 

Hasn't he had almost two years already?

 

I haven't really read the entire board posted by LL as I am fairly new here, but since Bolt mentioned that the situation had been like this for two years already, sounded like a sick-cycle carousel, yeah. Given that, maybe that's just how he is and he will never change. He's just expecting for you to accept him the way he is.

 

And yeah as I've read more, the guy cheated. I may have been an a**h*** but I never cheated on my ex and I would say now, LostLove, you are better off without him.

 

IT's good you are not responding to him anymore. One day when you heal, you will realize how much you didn't deserve to be treated the way that man treated you.

[Realitynut]

Oh no...

 

Umpteen gazillion posts about how he's proven he will not be the man you need him to be (hello, CHEATING!!!), ONE post from ONE man who realized the error of his ways, and you're back to "giving it more time to see if he realizes"???

 

Hasn't he had almost two years already?

 

I thought the same thing....when she said she took a screen shot....and jumped on his post, like the 'crumb' she's looking for.

But I kept my mouth shut! lol

 

Glad MKL realized the error of his 'post'...jk MKL.

 

But yes, LL needs to heal and move on. Her guy is a commitment phobe...not just a run of the mill A$$hole. (not to mention daily alcoholic and womanizer)

[reinventmyself]

I can see why you would think this, but I don't think I'll backslide. I think I got what I wanted and now I can move on. I think I really need to strive to stay in this mindset, because for today at least, it's been working. I've felt so much better today. And like I said, I'll take whatever I can get to get out of this awful funk. If him trying to call is what it took, then I'm okay with that. I hope I'm not wrong! I hope I don't backslide tomorrow! But like you say, I do NOT want to start over at the beginning. No way, can't do it.

 

I know I have done this in the past. Feeling relieved that they threw me a breadcrumb and definitely assigned an inappropriate amount of importance to it.

All the anxiety and distress over NC dissipated and I felt empowered ready to carry on.

And then .. I crashed all over again as the days went on and I didn't hear from him again. I haven't been in the situation in a while and I don't plan on it.

 

I do however get to witness this with my best friend on a routine basis. She is in the depths of despair over an unavailable man for years. Her moods are volatile. It's been so rough that she doesn't really confide in her friends anymore about this guy. She has worn us all out.

 

She is a predictable as they come. She's anxious, hates to be alone while she `detoxes' She admits he contacts her and she insists she fine, she's elated.

`I would never ever go back to him and I am so past all of this!'

She is so convincing she convinces herself.

 

I can look at my watch because I can see it coming. The slow come undone when she doesn't hear from him for a few days and then going onto a few weeks. I don't think it catches her off guard like it used to but she can't seem to help herself either way. The detox starts all over again and she is back to being volatile and moody.

 

I have told her straight up that this would happen and at times she denies it vehemently and believes it won't, only to crash again.

[ThatwasThen]

I can look at my watch because I can see it coming. The slow come undone when she doesn't hear from him for a few days and then going onto a few weeks. I don't think it catches her off guard like it used to but she can't seem to help herself either way. The detox starts all over again and she is back to being volatile and moody.

She's a codependent and is addicted to the perpetual "new relationship energy" the oxytocin rush from waiting so long for the sexual attention. She'd do well in cold turkey withdrawl through ZERO contact... otherwise, she' will remain addicted and jeopardise her chances for a solid, committed relationship with a man that wants everything with her... not just the over-emotional sex pot action she gives this d-bag she's addicted to. She's closing herself off to something real.

[reinventmyself]

She's a codependent and is addicted to the perpetual "new relationship energy" the oxytocin rush from waiting so long for the sexual attention. She'd do well in cold turkey withdrawl through ZERO contact... otherwise, she' will remain addicted and jeopardise her chances for a solid, committed relationship with a man that wants everything with her... not just the over-emotional sex pot action she gives this d-bag she's addicted to. She's closing herself off to something real.

 

True, but she's not having sex with him anymore. At least that's her story.

[boltnrun]

My best friend was "seeing" this guy (and I put "seeing" in quotes because all he'd do was have sex with her and send her on her way), and something like 8 of her friends told her he was just using her for sex, she could do better, she was lovely and wonderful and she was wasting herself on a user like him. ONE friend, whom she'd just met that week at work, told her "when he looks at you I can tell he really loves you!!" She chose to leap on that comment and ignore the rest of us who'd known her for years, because this one woman was telling her what she wanted to hear and we weren't.

 

She put up with his mistreatment for EIGHT years, BTW. He gave her an STD that he'd already known he had but chose to conceal from her because he suspected she wouldn't have sex with him if she knew. But her self esteem was so low, I'm guessing she would have done whatever he wanted anyway because, as she told me, "at least I can say I have a boyfriend". Except, she didn't.

 

So I guess all this time you haven't really been looking for ways to move on and get over him, but rather "reasons" to hold on. And even though there are something like over 1,400 posts about why he's just not good for you, you're choosing to listen to ONE that says you should hold on...even though that poster himself has now retracted his statements.

 

Again, your life, your choice. I just think it's sad to see someone selling themselves so short when there could be so much more to life and love than a man who refuses to commit, who is an addict, who is a self-described womanizer, who cheats and who deliberately moved hours away and refuses to keep his promises to have you two be physically together. Remember, you asked him to come get you and he said "no".

[ThatwasThen]

True, but she's not having sex with him anymore. At least that's her story.

Well, that's kind of hard to believe but even if she isn't, This still applies:

ZERO contact... otherwise, she' will remain addicted and jeopardise her chances for a solid, committed relationship with a man that wants everything with her... not just the over-emotional sex pot action she gives this d-bag she's addicted to. She's closing herself off to something real.

Actually her addiction is even more sad since she's not even getting any sexual intimacy. Gah!

[browneyedgirl36]

I think that looking for reasons to hang on is not just a function of denial, but a significant part of the whole "five stages of grief" process -- sort of straddling the "denial/bargaining" line.

 

SO many of the posters who post on this site come here, at least initially, looking for hope after a breakup -- someone to tell them, "It'll be OK. He'll realize that he's lost something great, and when he does, he'll be back, and you'll live happily ever after." I consider myself to be a very practical, grounded, sort, -- often almost coldly realistic -- not a head-in-the-clouds romance type at all -- and I was in denial nevertheless. It's human, for sure, and it's partly a function of our ego. If he comes running back, it means I'm important. I'm special. I'm lovable. Really powerful stuff, especially for those who have issues with self-esteem, co-dependence, rejection/abandonment, or some combination thereof.

 

And, it's also human to, when we're in pain, want the pain to stop, preferably as quickly and easily as possible. Often, for posters here, that means returning to the original source of the pain, looking for healing from the very person who caused it. In the post-breakup fog, it seems to make sense; however, I like to use an analogy to show how illogical it actually is: You touch a hot stove and burn your hand badly. If you asked an outsider, someone who hadn't just burned his or her hand, what you should do, that person would say, "Well, go to the emergency room, or urgent care, immediately!" At the very least, they'd look up first aid for burns and help you take care of it. But, in your current state of shock and pain, you aren't sure WHAT to do, and your mind is racing. You think, well, maybe touching the stove again will fix it!" So you do, and you get burned again, even worse this time. WHAAA??? Why would you do that? It's completely illogical! But so many people, after a breakup, operate illogically, thinking that the source of their pain is the only thing that can fix it, when in fact there is nothing further from the truth.

 

Bottom line: Feelings are illogical. We have to be vigilant and proactive in reigning them in, in not acting solely on emotion, not going with our initial emotional response when making choices. Difficult to do, for sure, but worth the effort -- something I put a ton of effort into after all the mess with my ex. I learned a lot, hence the quote in my subject line, which I think sums it up perfectly: "You cannot be directed to decide against yourself without first being deceived into thinking that what hurts you can also help you." So true.

[reinventmyself]

So I guess all this time you haven't really been looking for ways to move on and get over him, but rather "reasons" to hold on. And even though there are something like over 1,400 posts about why he's just not good for you, you're choosing to listen to ONE that says you should hold on...even though that poster himself has now retracted his statements.

 

 

In the past year my`addicted' friend, G is spending more and more time with another mutual female friend, K.

 

I totally get why they get along so well. K too had been seeing a married man who kept telling her he was leaving his wife.

K has finally been distancing herself after 2 years of waiting for this man, but it's unnerving that K makes excuses for G's behavior.

The two commiserate and justify.

 

When I got wind recently that G was talking to her addiction again, K's response was, `Well, it's the happiest I have seen her in some time"

Whaaaaatt??

Funny how projection reigns supreme, because from where I sit I see G miserable and anxious all over again.

K, however sees something totally different.

 

But it's apparent K & G 'belong to same club' as a third friend put it.

[browneyedgirl36]

So I guess all this time you haven't really been looking for ways to move on and get over him, but rather "reasons" to hold on. And even though there are something like over 1,400 posts about why he's just not good for you, you're choosing to listen to ONE that says you should hold on...even though that poster himself has now retracted his statements.

 

 

In the past year my`addicted' friend, G is spending more and more time with another mutual female friend, K.

 

I totally get why they get along so well. K too had been seeing a married man who kept telling her he was leaving his wife.

K has finally been distancing herself after 2 years of waiting for this man, but it's unnerving that K makes excuses for G's behavior.

The two commiserate and justify.

 

When I got wind recently that G was talking to her addiction again, K's response was, `Well, it's the happiest I have seen her in some time"

Whaaaaatt??

Funny how projection reigns supreme, because from where I sit I see G miserable and anxious all over again.

K, however sees something totally different.

 

But it's apparent K & G 'belong to same club' as a third friend put it.

 

A friend of one of my friends had been hung up on the same guy for over 12 YEARS. I've met her, and she's a lovely woman -- is a lawyer, is well-off financially, attractive, very intelligent, etc. but there's this guy, and he's absolute kryptonite for her. She's broken things off with him many times, and he's drifted away from her or broken things off (with the old "I can't give you what you need" bit) a number of times. We were all at a party once, and a group of us ladies -- all drunk except for me -- were talking about this guy, and with all the wine she'd consumed, she was pretty open with the details and went into a TON of detail which, to an objective -- and sober -- listener/observer were cringe-worthy. Here was this woman who should have had it all -- had SO many opportunities -- and yet, listening to her talk, I realized that her self-esteem and self-respect were in the basement. The other women -- including my friend -- were all pretty much supporting her all-consuming 'love' for this guy. I responded, offering some advice (because she was clearly miserable and said she didn't want to continue feeling that way), and she actually got up in the middle of the conversation and left. She just didn't want to hear it -- that she needed to cut him off and start over again (my advice was much more nuanced and tactful than simply "Get over it!" I promise). Apparently, according to my friend, the woman wasn't mad at me at all -- she just wasn't ready to hear it. That was two years ago, and I wonder how she's doing now. I do hope she's OK and that she's been able to move forward. Emotions are, as I said before, often very illogical. And, they are quite powerful. We can convince ourselves of nearly anything when our emotions take over our logic.

[Realitynut]

LL has left the 'journal'....lol.

 

I know she was looking at some GIG's sites....etc. She's still in HOPE mode, and we're not giving it to her.....*sigh*.....

[Realitynut]

I don't see this journal lasting long.

 

There's a lot of stuff missing here. Particularly self-reflection and insight on how neither of you are really ready for a relationship.

 

Well Ms Darcy...you called that one wrong....going on 3 months...unless that is a short journal! But LL has jumped ship....and we're ready for her to come back and tell us how she is now feeling....since he did just call her a few days ago.

 

Which she resisted in answering, and we gave her props for!!

[Ms Darcy]

Well Ms Darcy...you called that one wrong....going on 3 months...unless that is a short journal! But LL has jumped ship....and we're ready for her to come back and tell us how she is now feeling....since he did just call her a few days ago.

 

Which she resisted in answering, and we gave her props for!!

 

Not necessarily. Just depends on how you define long.

[boltnrun]

LL has left the 'journal'....lol.

 

I know she was looking at some GIG's sites....etc. She's still in HOPE mode, and we're not giving it to her.....*sigh*.....

 

I will not lie to someone to make them feel better. It's just not in my nature.

 

I have always felt that she was SAYING she was working on moving on, but her actions showed differently (kind of like the guy...another way they are "connected", I suppose).

 

I do give her credit for honesty. She has admitted to not wanting to let go.

 

But, again, I will not encourage that mindset because I think it's harmful.

[browneyedgirl36]

I will not lie to someone to make them feel better. It's just not in my nature.

 

I have always felt that she was SAYING she was working on moving on, but her actions showed differently (kind of like the guy...another way they are "connected", I suppose).

 

I do give her credit for honesty. She has admitted to not wanting to let go.

 

But, again, I will not encourage that mindset because I think it's harmful.

 

Me too -- mainly because I too made noises about "moving on" when, honestly, I was still hanging on, inwardly, even if I pretended I wasn't. I'd say I was "done," and then my ex would snap his fingers, and there I'd be. It got to the point where I wasn't even telling my friends anything because I KNEW they'd tell me I was a fool. He had so much power over me at one point -- not because he was particularly powerful, but because I allowed him to have that power over me. He was manipulative, for sure, but I was the one in "control" in the sense that, at any time, I could have cut him off and ended the whole roller coaster ride. I simply chose not to. Now, in hindsight, I realize that I -- not he -- was largely responsible for what happened to me. Not surprisingly, I forgave him for everything long before I forgave myself for what I put myself through. Never, ever again. Ever. I would be alone forever before I'd go through all that again.

[Silverbirch]

Yes, when I finally moved on and got over my ex G, it wasn't because people told me I had to. Even when I started to do the things to move on with my life, part of me wanted him to see what a good thing he had given up and come running back to me. I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but it wa at a point where I was taking care of myself and enjoying my life, and I REALISED I had let go. I find it so tough to let go of exes.

[lostlove76]

Hey guys, just a quick check-in. I'm way behind. I haven't read the last several pages. I scanned some of it, but I'm honestly afraid to read it right now, as I feel like I'm at a bit of a crossroads with him having tried to call the other night. I wanted to find some positivity in it that will allow me to start moving on. Maybe no one has said anything overly negative, but I think I did see a couple of things that I feel too fragile to fully read right now. I'm sorry. I'll catch up in the next couple of days after processing on my own. Hope everyone understands. Meanwhile, I'm still around, reading and commenting on other threads. Hope everyone is well, be back soon.

[notalady]

It's hard to read because you're getting your hopes up again about giving him another chance. Let's face it, his call didn't put you in a good place and give you the power you think it did and you're back to square one. You can claim whatever benefit you get out of not blocking him and continuing to leave the door open, but that is essentially what got you here at this "crossroad". Hope you stay strong.

[Silverbirch]

I don't think. all is necessarily back at square 1 because she has more awareness now than she did at the beginning of the thread. I remember when my ex R kept calling and calling - that was many years ago, and I just stopped answering. Eventually he stopped.

[Silverbirch]

LL, I came across this. It helps me and I hope it helps you too. Hugs.