The Ups and Downs of Loving a Commitment-Phobe

[Realitynut]

So why did he call after 3 weeks of nothing?

 

Because we all told you he would. I knew 100% that he would. They all do. He was probably drunk. (of course) lonely (of course) bored (of course) wondering what LL is up to (of course) wondering if you'd answer this time (of course) but NOT anything of any substance!

 

If he wanted you....He would have texted you something other than HEY. He would have said, I've been thinking about you LL for these long 3 weeks, and I've come to the conclusion I DO need you and want you in my life. Start packing.

 

That would be the very least.

 

Or ....he would show up at your door.

 

Breadcrumbs. Look back on that link that I sent you....even I MISS YOU...means nothing.

 

Been there. Done that.

 

Congrats on NOT answering. I am proud of you!! Very proud. I know how hard it is....

[Realitynut]

Oh...and btw....the ex fiancé still keeps in touch with me. He texted me this past weekend....gone kayaking this weekend or something fun? Then I saw all the pics he posted of himself and his now woman. That made me not even BEGIN to want to respond. Who cares?

 

Some just like to keep you in their sights. One time, when I was living at his house, we (or I should say HE) had a party. Big party guy....not only was his ex wife there, but 2 of his ex GIRLFRIENDS! Then wondered why I was miffed.

[browneyedgirl36]

So why did he call after 3 weeks of nothing?

 

Because we all told you he would. I knew 100% that he would. They all do. He was probably drunk. (of course) lonely (of course) bored (of course) wondering what LL is up to (of course) wondering if you'd answer this time (of course) but NOT anything of any substance!

 

If he wanted you....He would have texted you something other than HEY. He would have said, I've been thinking about you LL for these long 3 weeks, and I've come to the conclusion I DO need you and want you in my life. Start packing.

 

That would be the very least.

 

Or ....he would show up at your door.

 

Breadcrumbs. Look back on that link that I sent you....even I MISS YOU...means nothing.

 

Been there. Done that.

 

Congrats on NOT answering. I am proud of you!! Very proud. I know how hard it is....

 

Agreed with Realitynut. They pretty much ALWAYS call, eventually. Mine would go silent for weeks, months (except for saying "hi" in the hallways at work) and when he did contact...breadcrumbs.

 

I'm glad you didn't answer or respond. And, I understand being glad he called because it proves he hasn't forgotten you, but...don't get too carried away with that feeling. Of course he hasn't forgotten you, but he is NOT offering anything meaningful. Even if he texts, unleashing all sorts of huge feelings on you, remember he's a grown man with a serious drinking problem who moved away, lives in a tiny room that he's embarrassed about, and chases married women of questionable character. Please, please just remember all that.

[Realitynut]

^^^^ yep! And if all else fails....go back and re-read your thread....again....

Instead of looking at trashy girls pics.....start re-reading THIS instead!!!

 

When the URGE hits to look at HER...and obsess....tell yourself...I will start reading my thread...or that book! lol (I couldn't resist!)

[boltnrun]

He called because he wants things back the way they were. Not because he wants things to progress.

 

OR...he called because he was lonely and wanted someone to talk to and he knows trusty old you would be there. At least you showed him he's wrong about that.

 

And really..."hey" again???!!!

[reinventmyself]

So, now you get to backslide.

 

You got what you wanted. . just a flicker of contact. .a breadcrumb if you will.

Much like an addict you got your hit. It could have been worse, you could have talked to him - but you got a fix, never the less.

 

Now starts the detox all over again.

Are you ready? Because I will guarantee it's coming.

 

How will you feel 2 weeks from now when he hasn't called and you again have dedicated so much head space and precious time trying to decode why, why!?

 

I don't know about you, but one thing I know for sure is I don't ever want to start over at the beginning (or something close) again, only to relive the same anxiety and despair over and over.

 

Once is enough for me.

 

I honestly think you are doing what you have always done.

Trying to teach him a lesson and hoping for a different outcome.

[browneyedgirl36]

So, now you get to backslide.

 

You got what you wanted. . just a flicker of contact. .a breadcrumb if you will.

Much like an addict you got your hit. It could have been worse, you could have talked to him - but you got a fix, never the less.

 

Now starts the detox all over again.

Are you ready? Because I will guarantee it's coming.

 

How will you feel 2 weeks from now when he hasn't called and you again have dedicated so much head space and precious time trying to decode why, why!?

 

I don't know about you, but one thing I know for sure is I don't ever want to start over at the beginning (or something close) again, only to relive the same anxiety and despair over and over.

 

Once is enough for me.

 

I honestly think you are doing what you have always done.

Trying to teach him a lesson and hoping for a different outcome.

 

Some very good points here. I remember doing this: Ignoring -- or at least not responding right away -- and feeling triumphant, temporarily, because he HAD called! He DID care! The thing is, he'd just disappear again, and then pop back up again -- most likely when bored/lonely or when he got the sense I was moving on. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. I remember feeling like I was punishing him, but really, I was punishing myself by dragging out the inevitable.

 

LL, I hope you don't feel like we're ganging up on you; I think we're all just worried for you because we can see what's coming next. But, as a few of us have said before, if you're not ready to move forward, you'll take in our advice, stash it away somewhere, and continue where you are. I did, for awhile. Nothing anyone said could change my thinking, which was so distorted by not only my own view of myself and my own issues, but my ex's "charm" (note that's in quotes because now I realize what a load of superficial b.s. it all was!) and his VERY manipulative personality as well. He was SO manipulative in so many ways -- verbally, especially, but also behavior-wise, with his "intermittent reinforcement" tactics -- otherwise known as the "come hither, go to hell" routine. A friend once asked me what was so great about my ex, and I had to tell her that all I could come up with was the fact that, when he was really into me, I felt like most important person in the world, and when he ignored me/distanced himself, all I wanted was to get that important feeling back. When he was into me, he seemed REALLY into me. Conversely, when he wasn't, I might as well have not existed on the planet at all. Over time the cycle of him being into me, then not into me, changed drastically, with the "not into me" parts being MUCH longer, and the "into me" parts being few and far between. Total intermittent reinforcement. I never knew which one I was going to get, and I hung on hoping for the latter, when I was mostly getting the former. One of the worst kinds of manipulation EVER. What a relief to not constantly be hanging on like that, on the off chance he MIGHT come around, and then, when he did, always waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me, as it always was, inevitably.

 

Anyway, I'm not sharing my story to say, "See! I got over it! You can too!" but more to show you how messed up a situation I was in, and how much I recognize as being identical to your situation now that I am well past mine and can see it for what it was. I hope these similarities and my insights offer some encouragement that you CAN get over someone you thought you'd never get over.

[notalady]

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. I remember feeling like I was punishing him, but really, I was punishing myself by dragging out the inevitable.

 

100% this. LL maybe you feel like "that'd teach him!" But honestly? I don't think he cares, it's certainly not a punishment in any way to him or induce any sort of regret. Most likely he just shrugs and go chase other girls, when he's bored/lonely again, he'll try you again see if you're here for a nice little ego boost.

[lostlove76]

Okay, sitting down to catch up. Forgive me if I can't reply to every single thought like I typically like to do - I've gotten way behind, sorry!! But I'm going in order of posts, starting now, and I promise that I do always read and absorb every single word.

 

I've stayed away because I feel my advice isn't welcome.

Bolt, Why do you say this??? I've actually really missed hearing from you, and I did notice your absence. I figured you got tired of me staying stuck in the same place and just decided to move on for that reason (and maybe that's what you mean here). I always loved all your comments and advice. I hope I didn't make you feel like it wasn't welcome. I don't recall having said anything that could have been construed that way, but if I did then I apologize. If you're talking about how I've just stayed stuck, well I discussed that a few posts back. It doesn't mean at all that anyone's advice wasn't welcome.

 

I really missed having you around here.

[lostlove76]

I've stayed away because I feel my advice isn't welcome. But I returned to say just one thing.

 

How long you remain in this pit of depression and pain is entirely up to you.

 

You say you'll stop stalking her Facebook and checking the dating site when you're " ready".

 

News flash: you'll never feel "ready". It's one of those things you just have to do unless you want to feel exactly as you do right now forever.

 

Did I tell you the story about my friend? The one who refused to let go of a guy who broke up with her and is now completely unable to work or care for herself? They broke up 22 (yes, 22) years ago, but she just can't get over it! She was institutionalized, is now completely disabled and spends her days obsessing over her ex and eating junk food. She's ballooned up to about 175 pounds and seldom leaves home.

 

Please don't allow yourself to become her.

 

I won't become her. I've only been completely NC for 3 weeks (in the sense of not talking to him, and not hearing from him until last night); before that, it was impossible to get over since everything was constantly on and off. Honestly, I think him calling last night was the push I needed to get out of this funk. I'm going to use it as such, anyways. But more on that later.

 

Wow that's insane (literally)!

 

Yes LL, please take steps to get over your ex ASAP. Your idea of writing down things you enjoy doing is a good one, better yet, go and do them! Do anything other than what you're doing now is better, regardless whether you feel ready.

 

I'm feeling a tiny bit more ready today, thank goodness, and I think if I keep a certain mindset, I can now begin to move forward. I'm almost scared to read what everyone has written today since I posted that he called, because I'm feeling in a decently positive place based on how I'm choosing to frame things, and I hate to backtrack from that. But I'll see when I get there! (to those posts)

 

Definitely planning to make that list!!!

[lostlove76]

OP,

No matter how much all of us want you to stop wallowing in your past, I understand that you will get out of this at your own pace. But I sense that posters here are getting frustrated because you seem to be stuck in your past.

I'm sure everyone is, and I'm sorry for that. I probably would have given up long ago if I were one of you, watching me go through this. So I really appreciate everyone's care and patience, and I'm actually surprised that so many of you are still around and are still being so kind. I hope to make you all proud one day soon as I move forward out of this and create a better life. I don't always agree with everything that is said here, and I've gotten defensive with a lot of it along the way (although I think I'm way less defensive now than I used to be), and I know I haven't yet put much into practice that has been advised -- but my appreciation is huge, please know that! This has been a wonderful outlet to vent and figure things out and talk things through, and I've really learned a lot here. Okay, enough of the mushy stuff. I'm sorry for any frustration that I've caused.

 

You have to take actions first and then your mind will eventually catch up. That is the only way things work with recovery.

I can believe this. It's really REALLY hard to do anything at all when in such a depression, but I've been waiting til the black cloud lifts a bit, and I think it finally has. As I mentioned earlier, right or wrong, him calling last night has lifted my mood. I'll explain that in a bit, but no worries, it's not because I'm seeing it as him coming back and my fantasy being fulfilled. Quite the opposite, and I have no intentions of talking to him. It just helped that he called and I didn't answer.

 

I shared my story with you, you can also read about it in my journal. When I look back on those days - the only regret I have is not walking away when I first felt strange about this whole situation. I waited, wasted my time and energy on a man who never appreciated me to begin with. He never saw it forever with me. I was only a backup option for him. And he tried his best not to use his backup and kept putting in efforts to go after richer/younger/cuter girls. I'm so glad we did not end up together. I didn't fully understand it then (though the posters on ENA mentioned this several times that it wouldn't work), but even if he had married me - that marriage would have been a disaster as he would be settling for me. My mother also said the same about him "He would keep you with his old parents and aunt as their nurse and he would travel all over and have affairs and have women in every town. He will not be much of a husband to you." I understand the truth in their words now.

I have said this before and I will say it again. I did not like the woman I had become in those days - needy, desperate, will settle for any crumbs, no self-respect, no confidence, no desire to look at the situation in practical light and leave when things don't seem to be working. I practically put myself in a situation where I was begging the man to disrespect me over and over. And he was glad to keep doing that to me. As long as you are willing to be this woman, OP, you will find thousands of men who will mistreat you. I salute to those women who can see the writing on the wall and leave before things get worse. If I had walked away sooner, that would not have changed his feelings for me - but at least I would have felt better about myself, I would not have been abused.

I hope you don't look back and hold all of this against yourself. You describe a situation in which MANY women put themselves (present company included, obviously). It's far too common.

 

Make a commitment to yourself that you will not settle for a man who is putting in no effort in the relationship.

I hope to gosh that these lessons stick with me for the next guy who comes along and that I will never again allow myself to get this deep into this kind of noncommittal relationship.

 

What has he provided you that no other man can provide you?

If I start naming all the things I liked/loved about him again, I'm going to have a setback and start missing him more. So I'll just be general and say that it's the emotional connection we had that I feel I won't find with anyone else. I don't connect with guys that deeply very often or easily. We connected physically (while he was here), mentally, and emotionally, and it all felt very easy and natural. I'm sure I've mentioned, but I haaaaaaate talking on the phone, and I honestly don't enjoy hanging out with people for very long before I need my own space again, and I start zoning about about 10 minutes into most conversations. But with him, I could be around him or talk to him on the phone for HOURS, and I loved every second of it, and it all felt very natural and comfortable and exciting and intense and loving and wonderful -- the perfect combination of all of the above. I never felt like I needed to escape and get off by myself, never felt bored, never felt annoyed, never felt insecure, like I do with most people. So all of that is what I don't think I'll ever find again

[lostlove76]

Just read a great quote by Dr. Wayne Dyer -

"If you find yourself being treated in a way you resent, ask yourself this question: "What have I done to teach this person that this is something that I'm willing to tolerate?"

 

Great quote! I need to remember this, thank you.

 

I honestly don't know what I could have done differently other than completely walking away sooner - which is I guess the only thing that could have been done, and is what you guys have told me. This all goes back to my confusion about boundaries.

[lostlove76]

In the whole scheme of things, a few weeks broken up and obsessing isn't long at all! LL...I know where your head is at! Now, let's say in 6 months, and you're still obsessing, then I would say you need outside help.

THANK YOU!! I really don't think it's that unusual that I'm still stuck and sad just a few weeks out. And I don't think it's that unusual that I stayed on and off with him for so long, because that's what happens in these on/off commitment-phobic relationships. The whole intermittent reinforcement thing really does people in.

 

I hate that about your planned wedding. Horrible horrible HORRIBLE. I almost hate guys when I keep hearing things like this (I hear it here, there, and everywhere. It's extremely common!). So many guys do this crap to such caring women.

 

I told you a month ago, to make a list. Go for a walk. Things to do. But you never did it.

I suggested over and over (lol) to take a look at that damn book...but you wont do it.

I know, I know, I'm sorry! I have a horrible procrastination problem, among other things. I can fully intend to do something and then forget all about it 5 minutes later. It's a problem. And then there's been so many good suggestions here that it's like where do I start. But mostly it's just because I have had zero energy (emotionally or mentally or physically) for quite some time now.

 

Just on a funny note...to lighten the mood. When Tom was seeing that Becky chick a few months ago, I found every picture I could of her, and saved them in my pics...in the folder called "ugly Becky pics"....lol

LOL, I haven't done this, but could totally see myself doing it. See, I'm not the only one who FB stalks. Haha.

 

Have you ever thought that maybe YOUR guy/ex is into this HOT chick, because she in married, so unattainable? Another thing commitment phobes do...go after those that are unavailable themselves. Think about that!

YEP!!! That has definitely occurred to me (but still hasn't lessened any of the pain). CP's go after the inappropriate and the unavailable. They're drawn to long-distance and married folks for sure. Extremely typical of commitment-phobes. Mine has been in LDR's before me, and has also been with at least one other married woman before this one.

 

And while you're dwelling on that thought....pick up the book. You took it with you while house sitting....did you even OPEN the book????

That d*mn book!! Lol lol j/k. No, I didn't open it. I also took the codependent book with me and didn't open that one either. But I've already read the baggage reclaim book, so I don't feel in a hurry to read it again. And honestly, it just made me feel like crap when I read it the first time, as eye-opening as it was. Does it not make you feel just CRAPPY???? To read about how so many men operate, and how we as women allow it? It's just depressing as all get out.

[reinventmyself]

Great quote! I need to remember this, thank you.

 

I honestly don't know what I could have done differently other than completely walking away sooner - which is I guess the only thing that could have been done, and is what you guys have told me. This all goes back to my confusion about boundaries.

 

Get a book on boundaries. I remember when I first heard the term it seemed like it might be so foreign and complicated.

I read a book . .duh! I don't know how I operated so many years without such a basic and fundamental principle.

 

You said yourself you like to read. Get a book on setting boundaries. I think it will be extremely helpful for you.

Unless you are resistant to this idea too

[lostlove76]

I've gotta take a break for a few on catching up, but just wanted to post about this (and keep in mind, I still haven't read what anyone's said about him calling)...

 

This is where I am about it. I really feel like he was probably with trashy girl the past few weeks while he wasn't calling me and while he wasn't getting on the dating site much (he got on like twice). I think she left and went home in the past couple of days. I just saw a picture she posted that makes it seem like this is probably the case, especially with the timing of him calling me. And so he immediately tried to call me to fill the void of her leaving, and/or because now he's free again to do what he wants to do with her gone. I checked the dating site between calls to see if he was getting on there - I like to know where I stand, which is one reason I check, so that I'm less likely to be manipulated -and he didn't get on at all until after the last time he tried to call, and then he got on. And today he's been on and off it all day long. Soooo... I feel he called when she left. Which means he was either with her like I suspected, or just crushing on her the whole time. But probably with her. Now it seems she's gone back home to her family, but I don't know if it's temporary or for good. I bet she'll be going back and forth all summer.

 

This all makes me feel like a backup, which is I'm sure what you guys think as well. I feel like he only called because she left. I'm sure he probably would like to have a harem of women to call upon when it suits him -- me for the emotional, her for the physical, and who knows how many others. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. But most women aren't going to be okay with that, and I was NOT okay with that. Notice that when I quit talking to him for good is when he told me about trashy girl, so I KNEW there was someone else in the picture, rather than just suspecting or worrying. I will never ever ever be one of many, if I know it's happening.

 

HOWEVER, I still feel good about him calling, because I was able to show strength in not answering. As petty as it sounds, I do hope he's lonely and feeling alone and can't find anyone to talk to. I do hope he realizes that I am not here to be the backup, because I will not answer the phone. I hope he realizes that he's a crappy person who treats people and relationships as if they have no value, and therefore, people aren't there for him when he wants or needs it. He's probably too selfish to realize any of this, but whatever. It also makes me feel better that at least he didn't completely forget I exist.

 

I'll take whatever I can to get out of this funk, and I'm using this for that. I feel loads better today. I have no false hope. I have no desire to talk to him.

[reinventmyself]

I like to know where I stand, which is once reason I check, so that I'm less likely to be manipulated

I have no desire to talk to him.

 

If you really have no desire to talk to him that how is it you need to know where you stand?.. . not to mention being likely to be manipulated.

 

Your choice of words often give you away.

I honestly think you aren't even aware of this.

 

I do however commend you for not picking up the phone.

. . .Hoping you can stay on course.

[notalady]

I do hope he realizes that I am not here to be the backup, because I will not answer the phone. I hope he realizes that he's a crappy person who treats people and relationships as if they have no value, and therefore, people aren't there for him when he wants or needs it. He's probably too selfish to realize any of this, but whatever.

 

I feel loads better today. I have no false hope. I have no desire to talk to him.

 

Glad that you are keeping strong. I understand the satisfying feeling when you get to "pay back" the person who treated you badly and imagining that they feel bad or remorseful or see how awful they are. Chances are, they won't, and they'll carry on their ways as they always have. But the important thing is that you won't be there to suffer from it and that's all you can control, yourself. I think you're doing better each day and that's good.

[Realitynut]

And I do believe that 'hit from the drug'... his phone call....no matter how miniscule ....still acts like the drug. Hence the relief you feel today.

 

Been there, done that too!

 

When Tom and I weren't talking...I was hoping he was sitting at home suffering like I was. I thought I was able to get OVER him easier, if I thought he was sitting by his little lonesome. But once I figured out he had a woman....I went bonkers. Made it a thousand times worse.

 

I think you're feeling better now too...not only did you get the phone call...but you think she went home!!! hahahaha...I bet my bottom dollar!

[Silverbirch]

I'm so much better when Im focussed on other areas of my life, especially when Im focussed on My Own Life. my obsession can definitely be a form of avoidance of the things I really need to be doing.

[browneyedgirl36]

My philosophy on 'knowing where you stand' with someone: If you have to ask, you already know the answer. And, if you're questioning, it means you hope for an answer different than the on you already know to be true.

 

I too commend you for not answering/responding.

[boltnrun]

Okay, sitting down to catch up. Forgive me if I can't reply to every single thought like I typically like to do - I've gotten way behind, sorry!! But I'm going in order of posts, starting now, and I promise that I do always read and absorb every single word.

 

 

Bolt, Why do you say this??? I've actually really missed hearing from you, and I did notice your absence. I figured you got tired of me staying stuck in the same place and just decided to move on for that reason (and maybe that's what you mean here). I always loved all your comments and advice. I hope I didn't make you feel like it wasn't welcome. I don't recall having said anything that could have been construed that way, but if I did then I apologize. If you're talking about how I've just stayed stuck, well I discussed that a few posts back. It doesn't mean at all that anyone's advice wasn't welcome.

 

I really missed having you around here.

 

That's nice, thank you.

 

I stopped because you had written that you didn't want anyone saying he didn't care about you or that he was using you to relieve his loneliness. I thought since I'd written those things that meant you preferred I not respond any longer. And for the record, that doesn't bother me because this is YOUR journal, not mine, and you have the right to decide the content.

 

However, I do believe that he cared about you, but there have always been limits and conditions on his caring. He could handle a few weeks of closeness, but (as you wrote), whenever things got too serious for him he found a way to push you away from him. And I conclude that he cares more about doing whatever he wants than he does about being with you. I believe he thinks he should be able to call you when he feels like it and pursue and be physical with other women when he feels like it. And to me, that is the opposite of a true love relationship.

 

No one knows for sure if he's involved with "trashy girl" (How old is this "girl", btw? Is she in her early 20s or something?) because your assumption that she must have moved in with him was based on some pretty vague and (honestly) pretty sketchy "evidence". Also, no one knows why he called you last night either. I believe he did because his well was currently dry and he thought, why not text lostlove "hey", since that usually worked? And you didn't respond so he tried calling, believing that you didn't mean what you'd said before. And to your credit, that didn't work either.

 

For whatever reason, if his call helped you move in the direction of accepting he's not right for you and moving on with your life, then I'm glad.

[lostlove76]

Still catching up post by post!

 

I think that LL WILL get past this. I think She's already come to some important realizations, and I think that, if she can start taking some definitive steps toward making changes in her thinking, she can do it.

Thanks BEG. I also think that I'll get past it, though I didn't think I ever would before. Knock on wood, but I've felt so much better today. Yesterday I was under a black cloud; today I haven't felt much depression at all. It really took him calling for the cloud to lift. Not because I'm thinking "yay, he wants me back!" Like I said earlier, it's quite the opposite. I feel like he was calling me as a backup. But for some reason, even feeling that way, I still feel better. I guess because I proved to both him and myself (and you guys!?) that I will NOT stoop so low as to be the backup. That in and of itself has improved my feelings of self-worth a tiny little bit.

 

Yep -- people who are emotionally unavailable quite often seek similarly unavailable people --whether they're emotionally unavailable also or just literally, physically unavailable because they're married, in another relationship, etc. My ex told me once that he tended to be attracted to unavailable women -- and he even specified married ones. Ugh. Cringe.

UGH! These guys have no shame. I can't believe he would admit such a thing! Like seriously, that makes me want to vomit. I can't stand cheaters and homewreckers, male or female.

[lostlove76]

So why did he call after 3 weeks of nothing?

 

Because we all told you he would. I knew 100% that he would. They all do. He was probably drunk. (of course) lonely (of course) bored (of course) wondering what LL is up to (of course) wondering if you'd answer this time (of course) but NOT anything of any substance!

 

If he wanted you....He would have texted you something other than HEY. He would have said, I've been thinking about you LL for these long 3 weeks, and I've come to the conclusion I DO need you and want you in my life. Start packing.

 

That would be the very least.

 

Or ....he would show up at your door.

Breadcrumbs. Look back on that link that I sent you....even I MISS YOU...means nothing.

 

Been there. Done that.

 

Congrats on NOT answering. I am proud of you!! Very proud. I know how hard it is....

 

Thank you for being proud!

 

Your words that I bolded above are what I would need to hear in order to even talk to him. If I'm not answering the phone, and he has something important to say, then he can text it or leave a voicemail. Something more than "hey." I'm not going to risk answering and hearing any lame BS. I honestly don't think he has anything sincere to say at this point, but if he ever has an epiphany, then that's what he'll need to do.

[lostlove76]

Oh...and btw....the ex fiancé still keeps in touch with me. He texted me this past weekend....gone kayaking this weekend or something fun? Then I saw all the pics he posted of himself and his now woman. That made me not even BEGIN to want to respond. Who cares?

 

Some just like to keep you in their sights. One time, when I was living at his house, we (or I should say HE) had a party. Big party guy....not only was his ex wife there, but 2 of his ex GIRLFRIENDS! Then wondered why I was miffed.

 

I hate all your exes! Truly. Good for you for thinking "That made me not even BEGIN to want to respond. Who cares?"!!

[lostlove76]

Even if he texts, unleashing all sorts of huge feelings on you, remember he's a grown man with a serious drinking problem who moved away, lives in a tiny room that he's embarrassed about, and chases married women of questionable character. Please, please just remember all that.

 

I am trying to remember all of that! I keep mentally reminding myself of certain things that show I shouldn't be with him anyways, regardless of whether or not he wants it at any given moment (although I can't lie and say I wouldn't take him back if he was ready to 100% commit - I'm not quite there yet!).

 

and when he did contact...breadcrumbs.

 

At least by this point, I'm fully aware of what breadcrumbs are, and I'm strong enough to resist them. In the past, I jumped at any contact from him, no matter what he'd done. I didn't ever start ignoring him, EVER, until this past December. I always took him back, always. But now I'm finally aware of what I need to hear and receive, and strong enough to ignore anything less than that. Yay