The Ups and Downs of Loving a Commitment-Phobe

[reinventmyself]

But you are going about it all wrong!

Whether you are worth it or not doesn't come from dissecting others and making comparisons! It's actually self inflicted pain the way you go about it.

 

I hate to sound like a broken record but the only way you'll see or feel differently about this or any relationship is by taking the focus off of them and working on yourself.

It makes me sad for you because you seem like a very bright articulate woman who is wasting precious energy looking outside of yourself and obsessing about others.

Shoot! f you were only able to turn some if not all of that energy around and give it to yourself I think you could do some pretty amazing things.

You allow the waiting and watching what they do to define you.

It's such a waste on two toxic people who by the way you describe deserve each other.

Believe you deserve better. And if you dont, fake it 'til you make it.

[browneyedgirl36]

LL, I'm not sure what additional advice to offer at this point; it seems as though you need to go through whatever you're going through at the moment in order to get to the "other side" so to speak, and I'm not sure anything we tell you (i.e. stop looking at that woman's photos, stop comparing, etc.) is helping (though maybe it's all just being stored away in the back of your mind right now, and you'll make use of it later).

 

One thing I can offer: I remember being in your position -- although with my history of poor self-image related to my appearance (I was bullied as a kid for being overweight and well into my adulthood saw myself as unattractive), I worked REALLY hard to shut down thoughts about my ex's previous ex (and other girlfriends/dates) being "hotter" than I. I took at lot of work, though. I literally had to stop myself mid-thought and change to a different thought OR use the cognitive behavioral therapy methods I'd learned in therapy to change the thought to something else. I also remember first wishing he'd come back after realizing how much he missed me and what a huge mistake he made. That gradually turned into wishing he'd come back but him having to prove how utterly and completely sincere -- and changed -- he was before I'd even consider taking him back (though I knew both of these scenarios were HIGHLY unlikely). Then, it morphed into, "I want him to come back JUST so I can reject him and tell him I'm done with him for good!" (Totally my pride talking there!) Later, that turned into "Please, God, don't let him come back!") Which gradually morphed into "Ehhhh....ex WHO???" I admit this process took awhile for me, mainly because we worked together (and still do) and I saw him frequently, which not only kept my feelings going but which also allowed him to keep coming back and sniffing around me when he was lonely/bored/whatever or when one of his other dates or short-lived relationships didn't work out. I can honestly say, though, I was over him once I met my current boyfriend, and the only times I really think of him are when I post here or when my boyfriend does or says something really wonderful and I think, "MY GOD! Why did I put up with all that crap I did with that other loser!?" Or -- as recently -- when I overheard a couple of people at work talking about him, and the contents of the conversation were a bit disturbing (let's say some things I had suspected about him for a long time -- mainly that he's a huge womanizer -- were confirmed).

 

So...again, your feelings are normal, and you WILL (I hop soon), move into the stage where, even if he's still on your mind a lot, you wouldn't take him back even if he said all the right things. For now, though, I reiterate, looking at that woman's pictures, her Facebook posts, her husband's posts, etc. -- none of it is doing you any good whatsoever. The only pics I saw of my ex and one of his new girlfriends I saw by accident -- in my newsfeed, because he was tagged -- and I never went looking for them otherwise because I knew it would make me feel terrible. In the 5 or so years we were friends on FB, I only looked at his timeline twice, mainly because I feared what I'd see. I unfriended him earlier this year, which I should have done a long time ago, but by the time I did, I no longer cared at all about what was going on in his life. I NEVER thought I'd get to that point, but I did. And you will, too, but you have to put some effort into it. Time helps, but it doesn't fix everything. Distance helps too (which is why no FB snooping!) but you do have to actively WORK on yourself, your thoughts, your patterns, and work on crafting a good life for yourself, one that a good, decent, available, emotionally healthy (not addicted, not a womanizer) guy will fit into one day. I promise, it can happen.

[browneyedgirl36]

But you are going about it all wrong!

Whether you are worth it or not doesn't come from dissecting others and making comparisons! It's actually self inflicted pain the way you go about it.

 

I hate to sound like a broken record but the only way you'll see or feel differently about this or any relationship is by taking the focus off of them and working on yourself.

It makes me sad for you because you seem like a very bright articulate woman who is wasting precious energy looking outside of yourself and obsessing about others.

Shoot! f you were only able to turn some if not all of that energy around and give it to yourself I think you could do some pretty amazing things.

You allow the waiting and watching what they do to define you.

It's such a waste on two toxic people who by the way you describe deserve each other.

Believe you deserve better. And if you dont, fake it 'til you make it.

 

100% this. So much energy wasted on a guy who doesn't deserve it when that energy could be put into YOU and making your life better.

 

I remember when my mom was going through something a number of years ago; we were having the SAME conversation over and over again, and she was just remaining stuck. She just couldn't get past the situation, even though, for the other people involved (a few members of my dad's family, from whom she is now basically estranged), it was long over and they were going about their lives like nothing had happened. I remember very distinctly telling her, "You have two choices: You can stay where you are right now forever, and feel this way until you die, or you can do something else. What are you going to do?" Some years later, I recalled that conversation when I was going through my own tough times (with the ex) and I asked myself the same question. My answer, even though at that time I had NO idea what to do, was, "I'm going to do something else." And I did. But...it took a long time -- several years -- and tons of discipline, proactive-ness, and hard work on my part. Five years later, I barely recognize the person I was in 2010-11, and that's a good thing.

[reinventmyself]

When I was going through my divorce, it was very traumatic and I was obsessing. Luckily, I was in weekly therapy as well.

I know it might sound silly but on one of my many walks, sometimes twice a day. (because much like you I have anxiety and being physically active was the best release) I found a smooth flat, black rock.

I brought it home and painted in white, bold lettering the word `STOP!' on it.

 

I carried that rock in my pocket for weeks and whenever I would catch myself ruminating or obsessing, I would put my hand in my pocket and rub that dang rock. I had to repaint it a couple times.

It helped! It served as a symbolic reminder to stop the obsessing. It diverts your brain and interrupts the process.

 

I am not saying this will work for you but there are things you can do . .If you want to.

But first step, you need to want to.

[Ms Darcy]

So much energy wasted on a guy who doesn't deserve it when that energy could be put into YOU and making your life better.

 

I agree. This is, in a nutshell, the summary of the few posts I have made on this thread.

 

Good luck OP!

[notalady]

But first step, you need to want to.

 

I think that's the heart of the problem.

[lostlove76]

LL,as shallow as it sounds, when G came sniffing back (when he realised the much younger Kate Moss lookalike didn't really want him), by then, I realised how much better my life was without him and all his problems. As an aside, I felt s lot better about my physical appearance than Ai did when he dumped me. As conceited as it sounds, Zi knew I was a heap hotter than him - actually, he wasn't hot stuff all. He lost a lot of hair during the time after the dumping and put on even more weight. In fact, to me he had become unattractive physically. . . And in most other ways as well.

 

Time to start pampering yourself and taking care of yourself physically.

 

That doesn't sound shallow at all.

 

And you're right, I definitely need to start doing so. It would improve my confidence and widen my choices if/when I ever decide to start dating again.

[lostlove76]

But you are going about it all wrong!

Whether you are worth it or not doesn't come from dissecting others and making comparisons! It's actually self inflicted pain the way you go about it.

 

I hate to sound like a broken record but the only way you'll see or feel differently about this or any relationship is by taking the focus off of them and working on yourself.

It makes me sad for you because you seem like a very bright articulate woman who is wasting precious energy looking outside of yourself and obsessing about others.

Shoot! f you were only able to turn some if not all of that energy around and give it to yourself I think you could do some pretty amazing things.

You allow the waiting and watching what they do to define you.

It's such a waste on two toxic people who by the way you describe deserve each other.

Believe you deserve better. And if you dont, fake it 'til you make it.

 

Thanks so much

 

I see what you're saying. I could get sooo much accomplished, even just piddly things or little things I enjoy, if I quit focusing on them. My mind is just so clouded and I'm so depressed that it's hard to do anything. I probably will HAVE to fake it til I make it, just to get out of this funk.

[lostlove76]

LL, I'm not sure what additional advice to offer at this point; it seems as though you need to go through whatever you're going through at the moment in order to get to the "other side" so to speak, and I'm not sure anything we tell you (i.e. stop looking at that woman's photos, stop comparing, etc.) is helping (though maybe it's all just being stored away in the back of your mind right now, and you'll make use of it later).

Every word of this paragraph describes where I currently am, for sure. I think I'm just going through the feelings and waiting to get to the other side. And I am storing things in the back of my mind to use later, I promise. I hear everything you guys are saying, and it's been a ton of good advice, and it hasn't gone completely wasted I promise. I just haven't been ready to do some of these things, but when I'm ready, the knowledge/tools will be in my mind.

 

I admit this process took awhile for me, mainly because we worked together (and still do) and I saw him frequently, which not only kept my feelings going but which also allowed him to keep coming back and sniffing around me when he was lonely/bored/whatever or when one of his other dates or short-lived relationships didn't work out.

Such a nightmare!! I'm so glad you're now unaffected by him!

 

So...again, your feelings are normal, and you WILL (I hop soon), move into the stage where, even if he's still on your mind a lot, you wouldn't take him back even if he said all the right things.

Once I get over the love feelings and the remaining bit of hope, I don't think I would take him back. I hesitate to even say that, because I don't entirely trust that I wouldn't. But I really HOPE that I would know better than to allow my feelings to reignite after they had finally diminished, knowing the potential pain he could put me through yet again.

 

For now, though, I reiterate, looking at that woman's pictures, her Facebook posts, her husband's posts, etc. -- none of it is doing you any good whatsoever.

It's like I have some kind of morbid need to know what's going on, even though I already suspect that I know exactly what's going on. I keep looking for more and more information, and most of it makes me feel like crap. Some of it gives me small bits of hope, like her husband updating his profile pic to the two of them (so I'm thinking well maybe they'll get back together). I'm looking so hard for any clues that they aren't actually together, or that it's not serious, and that he'll come back to me. But if they ARE together and serious, then I'm not going to find what I seek. I know I need to quit looking. It's almost like a terribly bad habit at this point.

 

And you will, too, but you have to put some effort into it. Time helps, but it doesn't fix everything. Distance helps too (which is why no FB snooping!) but you do have to actively WORK on yourself, your thoughts, your patterns, and work on crafting a good life for yourself,

I really do need to do this. I'm wasting my life away, staying so hung up on him, being depressed all the time, hanging on to false hope and almost just waiting.

 

Maybe I should make a list of some little things that I enjoy doing and make myself do one or two things every single day. It's a start. I'm going to have to start very small or I'll get overwhelmed and revert back to doing nothing at all. And I REALLY probably need to do the thought reframing.

[lostlove76]

I am not saying this will work for you but there are things you can do . .If you want to.

But first step, you need to want to.

 

I think that's the heart of the problem.

 

^^^ I think so too. I don't know exactly what is causing the mental block of doing what it takes to move on and feel better. Stubbornly hanging on because I truly believe(d) him to be my one and only soulmate? I don't know. I feel unready to let go. Sadly, he's well over it by now and has forgotten all about me, I am quite sure.

 

"You have two choices: You can stay where you are right now forever, and feel this way until you die, or you can do something else. What are you going to do?"

That's a really good way to look at it! I just need to do ANYTHING else other than what I'm doing right now.

[reinventmyself]

Maybe I should make a list of some little things that I enjoy doing and make myself do one or two things every single day. It's a start

 

Not only is it a start, but it's a great idea!

Just the act of making a list and considering possibilities is an act of kindness to yourself and a moment free of thinking about what went wrong.

 

I like the term `dating yourself'. It feels awkward at first but treat yourself the way you want to be treated.

 

You can't just wish all the bad feelings away. You actively have to do something about it.

[browneyedgirl36]

^^^ I think so too. I don't know exactly what is causing the mental block of doing what it takes to move on and feel better. Stubbornly hanging on because I truly believe(d) him to be my one and only soulmate? I don't know. I feel unready to let go. Sadly, he's well over it by now and has forgotten all about me, I am quite sure.

 

 

That's a really good way to look at it! I just need to do ANYTHING else other than what I'm doing right now.

 

Yep. I was thinking of the episode of Seinfeld where George Costanza decides that whatever he would normally do, he's going to do the opposite. His reasoning: "If every inclination I have is wrong, I'll do the exact opposite!" Honestly -- I've tried this -- at least in conjunction with my ex -- and it worked wonders because what I would "normally" do was based upon old patterns and old thinking that had not served me well. Thus, if my ex said something that upset me at work, my former inclination would have been to send him some lengthy text about how he'd hurt me -- but I willed myself to say nothing. Or, if he texted me breadcrumbs, my "old" inclination would have been to gobble them up like a hungry dog, but when I ignored him, after some initial anxiety subsided, I felt so much better. Might be worth trying!

[browneyedgirl36]

Maybe I should make a list of some little things that I enjoy doing and make myself do one or two things every single day. It's a start

 

Not only is it a start, but it's a great idea!

Just the act of making a list and considering possibilities is an act of kindness to yourself and a moment free of thinking about what went wrong.

 

I like the term `dating yourself'. It feels awkward at first but treat yourself the way you want to be treated.

 

You can't just wish all the bad feelings away. You actively have to do something about it.

 

Yep -- I "dated myself" a LOT when I was single, post ex. It really made me feel better about myself.

[reinventmyself]

Yep -- I "dated myself" a LOT when I was single, post ex. It really made me feel better about myself.

 

I am in a relationship and I still like to date myself at times

[browneyedgirl36]

I am in a relationship and I still like to date myself at times

 

Me too!

[boltnrun]

I've stayed away because I feel my advice isn't welcome. But I returned to say just one thing.

 

How long you remain in this pit of depression and pain is entirely up to you.

 

You say you'll stop stalking her Facebook and checking the dating site when you're " ready".

 

News flash: you'll never feel "ready". It's one of those things you just have to do unless you want to feel exactly as you do right now forever.

 

Did I tell you the story about my friend? The one who refused to let go of a guy who broke up with her and is now completely unable to work or care for herself? They broke up 22 (yes, 22) years ago, but she just can't get over it! She was institutionalized, is now completely disabled and spends her days obsessing over her ex and eating junk food. She's ballooned up to about 175 pounds and seldom leaves home.

 

Please don't allow yourself to become her.

[notalady]

 

Did I tell you the story about my friend? The one who refused to let go of a guy who broke up with her and is now completely unable to work or care for herself? They broke up 22 (yes, 22) years ago, but she just can't get over it! She was institutionalized, is now completely disabled and spends her days obsessing over her ex and eating junk food. She's ballooned up to about 175 pounds and seldom leaves home.

 

Please don't allow yourself to become her.

 

Wow that's insane (literally)!

 

Yes LL, please take steps to get over your ex ASAP. Your idea of writing down things you enjoy doing is a good one, better yet, go and do them! Do anything other than what you're doing now is better, regardless whether you feel ready.

[boltnrun]

Wow that's insane (literally)!

 

Yes LL, please take steps to get over your ex ASAP. Your idea of writing down things you enjoy doing is a good one, better yet, go and do them! Do anything other than what you're doing now is better, regardless whether you feel ready.

 

I knew her before she got this bad. She obsessed over the guy but was still able to go outside. But she WOULD NOT let go. Said she had the right to hold on because he'd proposed marriage and promised they'd be together forever.

 

Sound familiar?

 

Now she is literally a non entity. It's terribly sad.

 

Lost love, please let go so you don't become her.

[LAYAAN]

OP,

No matter how much all of us want you to stop wallowing in your past, I understand that you will get out of this at your own pace. But I sense that posters here are getting frustrated because you seem to be stuck in your past.

I agree with bolt's post no. 1366. If you stay on this path, you won't be ready one day miraculously to get out of it. You have to take actions first and then your mind will eventually catch up. That is the only way things work with recovery.

I shared my story with you, you can also read about it in my journal. When I look back on those days - the only regret I have is not walking away when I first felt strange about this whole situation. I waited, wasted my time and energy on a man who never appreciated me to begin with. He never saw it forever with me. I was only a backup option for him. And he tried his best not to use his backup and kept putting in efforts to go after richer/younger/cuter girls. I'm so glad we did not end up together. I didn't fully understand it then (though the posters on ENA mentioned this several times that it wouldn't work), but even if he had married me - that marriage would have been a disaster as he would be settling for me. My mother also said the same about him "He would keep you with his old parents and aunt as their nurse and he would travel all over and have affairs and have women in every town. He will not be much of a husband to you." I understand the truth in their words now.

I have said this before and I will say it again. I did not like the woman I had become in those days - needy, desperate, will settle for any crumbs, no self-respect, no confidence, no desire to look at the situation in practical light and leave when things don't seem to be working. I practically put myself in a situation where I was begging the man to disrespect me over and over. And he was glad to keep doing that to me. As long as you are willing to be this woman, OP, you will find thousands of men who will mistreat you. I salute to those women who can see the writing on the wall and leave before things get worse. If I had walked away sooner, that would not have changed his feelings for me - but at least I would have felt better about myself, I would not have been abused.

I read somewhere - people who expect more out of life end up getting more. Those who accept crumbs end up with crumbs. Make a commitment to yourself that you will not settle for a man who is putting in no effort in the relationship. I want to ask you - what are you getting in this arrangement that you feel you should hang on for? Money/gifts, sex, promise of marriage (that hasn't been kept over and over)? What has he provided you that no other man can provide you?

I really hope that you block every possible contact with him. Your happiness is your responsibility. Please, please block him and his GF out of your life. Use this experience to turn your life around and become a woman that you, your parents, your friends are proud to be around. (I'm sure it hurts your parents and your friends to see you like this. I know it hurts me to see you like this even though I have never met you. I wish this on no woman)

[LAYAAN]

Just read a great quote by Dr. Wayne Dyer -

"If you find yourself being treated in a way you resent, ask yourself this question: "What have I done to teach this person that this is something that I'm willing to tolerate?"

[Realitynut]

In the whole scheme of things, a few weeks broken up and obsessing isn't long at all! LL...I know where your head is at! Now, let's say in 6 months, and you're still obsessing, then I would say you need outside help. I've told you with my ex from Wisconsin, I still held on to that false hope for a month, then the second and third month I was in that deep depression. BUT...I had also been planning a wedding. I had my dress, was making out the (small) guest list, and the day before I found out about her, I had drawn him a picture of the wedding cake! What the hell do you think HE was thinking!!! gee.

 

So I was really quite bummed.

 

But you haven't even SEEN him for 8 months. NOTHING, except a few words, has ever made you believe he wanted you...or was his soulmate. WHAT ACTIONS did he ever show you that he wanted you to live with him!!! NONE!

 

I told you a month ago, to make a list. Go for a walk. Things to do. But you never did it.

I suggested over and over (lol) to take a look at that damn book...but you wont do it.

 

I think you don't WANT to get over it, because then that will be like losing 'your hope'. Losing that DREAM. Giving UP!

 

Don't you realize...he gave up on YOU a long time ago. And it wasn't just because of TRASHY girl.

 

Just on a funny note...to lighten the mood. When Tom was seeing that Becky chick a few months ago, I found every picture I could of her, and saved them in my pics...in the folder called "ugly Becky pics"....lol

 

I showed my gf her pics...and she laughed when she saw the heading. I couldn't see her on fb....only friends....but because she was in a hiking meetup, I could see pics of her from way back in 2011. She was NOT HOT. But then again, neither is Tom. They looked like clones.

 

I had a friend who knows them both, and he said they looked like Shrek and Fiona. And they did.

 

I'm sure she was nice, but being a commitment phobe, he couldn't take the fact that she spent 3 nights at his house, and he wanted her to go home..

 

Have you ever thought that maybe YOUR guy/ex is into this HOT chick, because she in married, so unattainable? Another thing commitment phobes do...go after those that are unavailable themselves. Think about that!

 

And while you're dwelling on that thought....pick up the book. You took it with you while house sitting....did you even OPEN the book????

[browneyedgirl36]

Just read a great quote by Dr. Wayne Dyer -

"If you find yourself being treated in a way you resent, ask yourself this question: "What have I done to teach this person that this is something that I'm willing to tolerate?"

 

Yes -- we definitely DO teach people how to treat us. No doubt!

[browneyedgirl36]

I've stayed away because I feel my advice isn't welcome. But I returned to say just one thing.

 

How long you remain in this pit of depression and pain is entirely up to you.

 

You say you'll stop stalking her Facebook and checking the dating site when you're " ready".

 

News flash: you'll never feel "ready". It's one of those things you just have to do unless you want to feel exactly as you do right now forever.

 

Did I tell you the story about my friend? The one who refused to let go of a guy who broke up with her and is now completely unable to work or care for herself? They broke up 22 (yes, 22) years ago, but she just can't get over it! She was institutionalized, is now completely disabled and spends her days obsessing over her ex and eating junk food. She's ballooned up to about 175 pounds and seldom leaves home.

 

Please don't allow yourself to become her.

 

 

I see your point, for sure. I do think, though, that we can advise someone to move on, to do or not do certain things, etc., but unless/until they're ready, or until they hit the proverbial "rock bottom" and can''t take it anymore, some people just won't, particularly if past issues aren't dealt with in therapy and/or by some other means.

 

I think part of what made me move on, ultimately, was realizing that my ex was dating other people; after I found out about the first real girlfriend, I think I still had hope, mainly because I still saw him at work and heard rumors about a rocky relationship (even overheard him yelling at her on the phone one day!) but after hearing about several others, I realized, "OK, he's chosen SEVERAL other people now instead of choosing to date/be with me again," and I knew that was it. There was nothing to hold onto anymore. I think too, boltnrun, there was a fear on my part of becoming like your friend -- cutting myself off from the world, ballooning up in weight due to over-eating to comfort myself, etc. -- and I knew how much MORE miserable I would be if my life went down that path -- so I gave up. Giving up was the hardest thing I've ever done, but also the best. I can't imagine where I'd be now if I hadn't. I think there are some people who just can't get past it; I can think of at least two posters on this site who, to this day I'm pretty sure, are STILL in the same place they were when they first began posting, but I see a lot more people whose lives HAVE changed. They have just wanted it badly enough.

 

I think that LL WILL get past this. I think She's already come to some important realizations, and I think that, if she can start taking some definitive steps toward making changes in her thinking, she can do it.

[browneyedgirl36]

In the whole scheme of things, a few weeks broken up and obsessing isn't long at all! LL...I know where your head is at! Now, let's say in 6 months, and you're still obsessing, then I would say you need outside help. I've told you with my ex from Wisconsin, I still held on to that false hope for a month, then the second and third month I was in that deep depression. BUT...I had also been planning a wedding. I had my dress, was making out the (small) guest list, and the day before I found out about her, I had drawn him a picture of the wedding cake! What the hell do you think HE was thinking!!! gee.

 

So I was really quite bummed.

 

But you haven't even SEEN him for 8 months. NOTHING, except a few words, has ever made you believe he wanted you...or was his soulmate. WHAT ACTIONS did he ever show you that he wanted you to live with him!!! NONE!

 

I told you a month ago, to make a list. Go for a walk. Things to do. But you never did it.

I suggested over and over (lol) to take a look at that damn book...but you wont do it.

 

I think you don't WANT to get over it, because then that will be like losing 'your hope'. Losing that DREAM. Giving UP!

 

Don't you realize...he gave up on YOU a long time ago. And it wasn't just because of TRASHY girl.

 

Just on a funny note...to lighten the mood. When Tom was seeing that Becky chick a few months ago, I found every picture I could of her, and saved them in my pics...in the folder called "ugly Becky pics"....lol

 

I showed my gf her pics...and she laughed when she saw the heading. I couldn't see her on fb....only friends....but because she was in a hiking meetup, I could see pics of her from way back in 2011. She was NOT HOT. But then again, neither is Tom. They looked like clones.

 

I had a friend who knows them both, and he said they looked like Shrek and Fiona. And they did.

 

I'm sure she was nice, but being a commitment phobe, he couldn't take the fact that she spent 3 nights at his house, and he wanted her to go home..

 

Have you ever thought that maybe YOUR guy/ex is into this HOT chick, because she in married, so unattainable? Another thing commitment phobes do...go after those that are unavailable themselves. Think about that!

 

And while you're dwelling on that thought....pick up the book. You took it with you while house sitting....did you even OPEN the book????

 

Yep -- people who are emotionally unavailable quite often seek similarly unavailable people --whether they're emotionally unavailable also or just literally, physically unavailable because they're married, in another relationship, etc. My ex told me once that he tended to be attracted to unavailable women -- and he even specified married ones. Ugh. Cringe.

[lostlove76]

Hey everybody. I see I have quite a few posts to catch up on, yay I'm just waking up and not fully alert yet, so I'll read and reply when I can sit down with it this afternoon. Just wanted to pop in and say HE CALLED LAST NIGHT. I was shocked. I had fallen asleep, so I didn't hear it when he texted "Hey" but then it woke me up when he called 10 minutes later. Then he called again 15 minutes after that, and again 40 minutes after that. So one text and three calls. I didn't answer. I didn't trust that he had anything meaningful or sincere to say.

 

So I'm not real sure how to feel about it. I have all these questions rolling around in my head. Like why now?? The last time he called (when I answered and yelled at him) was June 8th, almost 3 weeks ago. What was he planning on saying? What does this mean for my theory that what's-her-face moved in with him?? Where was she when he called? Did things fizzle with her that quickly, or was he never really with her? If not her, was there someone else? Just way too many unknowns to risk answering. I will NOT be the backup girl, or just his friend, ever. It's always been all or nothing, and I think he surely knows this because I've always hammered it into his head. But I doubt very much that he suddenly feels ready to commit. So why did he call after 3 weeks of nothing?

 

I need to use this as motivation to get out of this funk. It feels good that he called. I now know that he didn't delete my number and didn't completely forget my existence. I would love to believe that he was missing me, but my instinct is that he was just lonely for some reason or something went wrong with some fling (trashy girl or someone else). I feel strong in not answering. I feel like I proved to him that he can't just pop in and out whenever he wants and I'll still be here to answer the phone, nor will I forgive and forget all he did and just get back on track like he wasn't a complete jacka$$$. I don't know if he'll start trying to call regularly again or if he won't call again anytime soon since I didn't answer.

 

So what do you guys think? I'll be back in a little while to catch up.