The Ups and Downs of Loving a Commitment-Phobe

[Silverbirch]

And there I go still having the focus on him/them. Ugh. I feel so empty inside. I realize I'm obsessing at this point. He and I are done, that is now clear. He won't be calling and trying to fix things. It hurts sooo much after all the things he said and how emotionally close we got, even closer than before he moved. I loved him so much. And now it's all gone, and there's just this big hole in its place that is filled with self-doubt and missing him and fixation of why he would choose her over me and all those other horrible horrible feelings. He's moved right on to the next (most likely) and I'm left with no one, because I can't jump right into something else with someone new. It just makes me feel so forgotten and like I meant absolutely nothing at all. It's hard not to have feelings of complete worthlessness over this. Which I've seen on the threads and in articles that it's normal to feel this way. But God it sucks!

 

 

LostLove, I was thinking recently about a relationship I had about 10 years ago which took me a long time to leave. I became obsessed with making it work. Then having been away from him for many years, I remembered some things he had done and was absolutely appalled not only with him, but with myself for staying. I try to remind myself that I can go a bit crazy - well, more than a bit actually when it comes to relationships, but that time and getting on with life eventually heals me.

 

Btw, like you, there were a couple women in the first few years I knew he was chasing who I thought were trashy, but by the end of the relationship, I saw the last two were actually really nice women - and realised that he only bothered with really nice ones, but unfortunately gullible women - the more gullible the better for him.

 

Today, I think he is repugnant and could shake myself for years wasted with him.

[lostlove76]

Thanks so much guys, I appreciate the comments. I will save replying for later tonight; I'm going over to start house-sitting this evening, and I'll need something to fill my time as I get settled in. Be back soon. Hugs to all.

[lilygirl]

I know you don't want to dig deep and delve into WHY you're hanging onto this guy (and, perhaps why you got involved with a self-professed "lustful womanizer" to begin with), but at some point, if you REALLY want to move on, you'll need to. As I said before, I had to do it, and it ain't pretty, but it's absolutely necessary. Focusing on him is a way to avoid focusing on you, I think. As long as you focus on him, nothing has to change. No real work has to be put in to making things better for yourself.

 

As for the question of whether or not it's better to know...that's a tough one. I found, in a couple situations in my life (my last ex in particular), it DID take knowing he was at least interested in/dating other people for me to move on.

 

Browneyed girl, I think you have nailed it here. I agree 100% with this. The longer you focus on him and whomever he might be with serves as a distraction that prevents you from feeling the totality of the loss and really looking at why you put up with what you have. I know you are in pain now but I suspect that you still have hope and I believe that hope can keep the pain at bay as well. Trust me when I tell you, I hold no judgement here. Like Browneyedgirl I have had to face those parts of myself that were not so easy to look at but it was necessary to do so I could stop and change patterns of behaviour that were not only not working, but causing me considerable pain and holding me back in very profound ways.

 

I think knowing that there are other women will help you move on. This knowledge has chipped away at the person you thought he was and this knowledge is powerful as it shows you who he is. Now that being said, you know enough now, you don't need to know anymore. He has/is moving on and he has hurt you over and over again. This you know beyond a shadow of a doubt and now it is time to stop looking. I agree with what you wrote earlier, that yes, it is hard not to check and peek about, but I think you need to make it your number one priority right now, take it bit by bit, and you will soon see that not looking will bring relief.

[lostlove76]

It is normal, but all of this is evidence of how you feel about yourself -- not so much how you feel about him. All the comparisons, and the fixation, and the crafting of narratives about this girl and what may or may not be going on with them, feeling 'replaced,' feeling he "chose" her over you, etc. -- these all say much more about how you feel about YOU rather than how you feel about him.

Maybe so. I know I'm nowhere near as hot as her, not as thin or unique or exciting. I compare myself, and I can't compete. I feel plain and boring compared to her. So I try to look for all the ways in which maybe I'm better for him than her - she's trashy, she seems pretty crazy and unstable judging by her posts, she seems like a b i t c h. He said I was perfect for him. And I WAS - we connected so well - until he met her. Now she'll be perfect for him, because he'll connect with her "messy" side. She seems to be wasted all the time herself, so they can just stay wasted together. Sooooo much fun, right. Fun every day.

 

I know you don't want to dig deep and delve into WHY you're hanging onto this guy (and, perhaps why you got involved with a self-professed "lustful womanizer" to begin with), but at some point, if you REALLY want to move on, you'll need to. As I said before, I had to do it, and it ain't pretty, but it's absolutely necessary. Focusing on him is a way to avoid focusing on you, I think. As long as you focus on him, nothing has to change. No real work has to be put in to making things better for yourself.

Honestly, I don't even know where to start. I'll have to think about it and come up with some kind of plan.

 

The problem with you "knowing" is that you don't have enough info to REALLY know, so you're taking bits and pieces and making up a story that may very well NOT be true. I remember when my mind would start to go there, I'd say things to myself like, "I don't know what he's doing, and it doesn't matter because we are no longer together and it's none of my business." Remember: In the absence of any concrete information, the mind will go to all sorts of places, most of them not good.

So so true. I really DON'T know, but I've convinced myself that they're living together. Which they very well could be! It feels so real to me, because my mind has filled in the blanks like you're talking about. I realize it's reached the point of being none of my business, since he quit trying to call. But god it hurts. To think that he would move some almost-stranger into his place when he wouldn't come get me after 5 months of promising is just an awful thought. I would love to know if that was NOT true, which I think what I'm looking for on Facebook. But Ive looked and looked and there is no indication either way. I think I've mentioned this before, but there were times in the past when I was absolutely convinced he was with someone and it turned out that he wasn't. Like his neighbor girl, when he added her to Facebook. He told me a tiny bit about her and I filled in the blanks. He didn't tell me she had a boyfriend. He told me she wanted to sleep with him. So I imagined them together and it felt real. Same with trashy girl - he told me just enough for me to imagine the worst case scenario. And I have no clue if he's with her or if he isn't.

[Realitynut]

I thought it was closer to 8 months he's been saying he was coming to get you....but that's not the point.

 

THIS is the point: He said I was perfect for him. And I WAS - we connected so well - until he met her.

 

 

Sweetheart.....sigh....you have to admit, this is NOT TRUE! If you were so perfect for him....and him to you...you would be together.

If he was so perfect for you, and you to him, you wouldn't have been on this site about loving a commitment phobe.

 

Don't you see yet? Your problems started BEFORE he even left! When he did leave, and told you to move on. When he came home at Christmas, and you never even SAW him....ALL the problems you had...BEFORE he even MET Trashy girl.

 

So you know what that means? It means you weren't perfect for him...and he was not perfect for you. For IF you were perfect for each other, you would have been living with him...you would not be having problems, you would not be driving yourself NUTS wondering about Trashy girl....etc. etc.

 

All this mean is....YOU were NOT perfect together. You were NOT meant to BE Together. You were NOT soulmates.

 

It's all an illusion in your mind...one that you want to perpetuate.

 

So do me a favor...pick up that book...take it with you while you house sit....and just flip thru it. Read JUST A BIT...and see if any resonates with you.

 

I'm afraid you DON'T want to look at it, because it will tell you the truth. And you would much rather blame trashy girl....than HIM....and not see the fact that you were, and always had been...the Fallback girl.

 

Yikes....but he never was in it for the long haul....he's not capable, nor does he want to be. ((hugs)) It's hard to move on. But you don't want to start looking pathetic do you? You tell us that you are smart....but after 8 months...and him only being 4 hrs away...and haven't even SEEN him....tells us all we need to know.

 

You are living on false hope. Been there. Done that. Start taking those steps to heal. The sooner you do....the sooner you will have moved on...and when he comes calling (which he will) you'll say....F off...A$$hole!

[lostlove76]

Still catching up, in order of posts. I'm at the house where I'm sitting, so this gives me something to do!

 

but I would bet my last dollar...you haven't heard the last from him!!!

It'll be a long time though. If he's seeing someone else, he won't try calling until he's through with her. I've never wanted to admit it, but I suspect that's what happened after those 6 weeks of NC after he moved. I know he was seeing someone during that time. He probably called me because things ended with her. But on the bright side - 1) things didn't last long with her, so maybe it was a rebound, and 2) it turned into an intense 5 month LDR with us, so he wasn't just calling a couple times while lonely and bored. He won't call now though until he's done with whoever, because 1) he won't need me if he has her, and 2) he knows I'll grill him about whether he's seeing anyone and I won't settle for not being exclusive (that is, at least, one thing I will NOT settle for).

[browneyedgirl36]

It is normal, but all of this is evidence of how you feel about yourself -- not so much how you feel about him. All the comparisons, and the fixation, and the crafting of narratives about this girl and what may or may not be going on with them, feeling 'replaced,' feeling he "chose" her over you, etc. -- these all say much more about how you feel about YOU rather than how you feel about him.

Maybe so. I know I'm nowhere near as hot as her, not as thin or unique or exciting. I compare myself, and I can't compete. I feel plain and boring compared to her. So I try to look for all the ways in which maybe I'm better for him than her - she's trashy, she seems pretty crazy and unstable judging by her posts, she seems like a b i t c h. He said I was perfect for him. And I WAS - we connected so well - until he met her. Now she'll be perfect for him, because he'll connect with her "messy" side. She seems to be wasted all the time herself, so they can just stay wasted together. Sooooo much fun, right. Fun every day.

 

I know you don't want to dig deep and delve into WHY you're hanging onto this guy (and, perhaps why you got involved with a self-professed "lustful womanizer" to begin with), but at some point, if you REALLY want to move on, you'll need to. As I said before, I had to do it, and it ain't pretty, but it's absolutely necessary. Focusing on him is a way to avoid focusing on you, I think. As long as you focus on him, nothing has to change. No real work has to be put in to making things better for yourself.

Honestly, I don't even know where to start. I'll have to think about it and come up with some kind of plan.

 

The problem with you "knowing" is that you don't have enough info to REALLY know, so you're taking bits and pieces and making up a story that may very well NOT be true. I remember when my mind would start to go there, I'd say things to myself like, "I don't know what he's doing, and it doesn't matter because we are no longer together and it's none of my business." Remember: In the absence of any concrete information, the mind will go to all sorts of places, most of them not good.

So so true. I really DON'T know, but I've convinced myself that they're living together. Which they very well could be! It feels so real to me, because my mind has filled in the blanks like you're talking about. I realize it's reached the point of being none of my business, since he quit trying to call. But god it hurts. To think that he would move some almost-stranger into his place when he wouldn't come get me after 5 months of promising is just an awful thought. I would love to know if that was NOT true, which I think what I'm looking for on Facebook. But Ive looked and looked and there is no indication either way. I think I've mentioned this before, but there were times in the past when I was absolutely convinced he was with someone and it turned out that he wasn't. Like his neighbor girl, when he added her to Facebook. He told me a tiny bit about her and I filled in the blanks. He didn't tell me she had a boyfriend. He told me she wanted to sleep with him. So I imagined them together and it felt real. Same with trashy girl - he told me just enough for me to imagine the worst case scenario. And I have no clue if he's with her or if he isn't.

 

Well, therapy is a good place to start to work on yourself, but I know a LOT of people are reluctant to do it. At the very least, it would be helpful for you to consider any past relationships you've been in and try to identify recurring patterns. Also: it would be helpful to write a list of the various things you're thinking and see where the common threads are. For example: You wrote a LOT above about the "trashy girl" and ways in which she is "better" than you and ways in which you are "better for the ex" than she is (honestly, though, if she IS as you say, she probably IS better suited to a self-professed "lustful womanizer" than you are -- and that's a good thing!). OK, so...think about the origins of these thoughts: WHY is it important for you to make these comparisons? What is it that you THINK these comparisons prove? (I say "think" because it's what you're telling yourself, but they don't really prove what you believe they do). Then, ask yourself, "When I think these things, what is it that I'm saying about myself?" I can tell you right now that, in making all these comparisons, you're assuring yourself that something must b HORRIBLY wrong with you for him to go for this other woman, that somehow she's "better" than you (at least in HIS mind), etc. This points to low self-esteem and poor self-image. The thing is, even if he did "choose" her, it doesn't mean she's "better" than you. I mean, from what you've said about both of them, neither seems like a prize! Can you consider, for even just a moment, that all of this is what is supposed to happen to protect you from this guy? I mean, I'm not a religious person, but I truly believe that some things are NOT coincidence -- that things happen to reveal important stuff to us, to help steer us away from things that aren't good for us.

 

I really think Cognitive Behavioral Therapy would be extremely helpful for you. Your thoughts need to change, and once you start looking at your thoughts and really considering why you keep having the same ones -- or similar ones -- you can change them.

[browneyedgirl36]

Still catching up, in order of posts. I'm at the house where I'm sitting, so this gives me something to do!

 

but I would bet my last dollar...you haven't heard the last from him!!!

It'll be a long time though. If he's seeing someone else, he won't try calling until he's through with her. I've never wanted to admit it, but I suspect that's what happened after those 6 weeks of NC after he moved. I know he was seeing someone during that time. He probably called me because things ended with her. But on the bright side - 1) things didn't last long with her, so maybe it was a rebound, and 2) it turned into an intense 5 month LDR with us, so he wasn't just calling a couple times while lonely and bored. He won't call now though until he's done with whoever, because 1) he won't need me if he has her, and 2) he knows I'll grill him about whether he's seeing anyone and I won't settle for not being exclusive (that is, at least, one thing I will NOT settle for).

 

Reading this makes me realize that if he called you and asked for you back, told you he was "done" with "trashy girl" (or whoever), and claimed to want to be exclusive, you'd take him back in a heartbeat. That makes me sad.

[lostlove76]

LostLove, I was thinking recently about a relationship I had about 10 years ago which took me a long time to leave. I became obsessed with making it work. Then having been away from him for many years, I remembered some things he had done and was absolutely appalled not only with him, but with myself for staying. I try to remind myself that I can go a bit crazy - well, more than a bit actually when it comes to relationships, but that time and getting on with life eventually heals me.

 

Btw, like you, there were a couple women in the first few years I knew he was chasing who I thought were trashy, but by the end of the relationship, I saw the last two were actually really nice women - and realised that he only bothered with really nice ones, but unfortunately gullible women - the more gullible the better for him.

 

Today, I think he is repugnant and could shake myself for years wasted with him.

 

It's possible that I might one day reach this point as well. I looked back on all past relationships with disgust - both at the guys for being such jerks, and at myself for putting up with it. I can find some good in each relationship if I really try, but mostly it's just feelings of "yuck" and or a teeny tiny bit of resentment that they were awful to me. Even the few who weren't awful, I just feel nothing at all for. So I HOPE I will one day reach that stage with this one. But he was different from all the others. He has certain qualities that go above and beyond anyone I've ever met in my entire life. Like I've said before, his good was really really REALLY good, despite his bad being just horrible.

 

Trashy girl may have some good in her. I can see a couple of appealing qualities. But mostly she seems vain and rough and unstable and flighty and drunk all the time (the latter two qualities of which are just like him, ugh). I don't have kids or want kids, and I barely even like kids, but something seems wrong to me about a mother who would move 4.5 hours away from her two kids and her hisband. How selfish can you get?!? (Selfishness - yet another quality that is just like him). I don't really care who she is as a person other than it hurting that he chose her over me So can't help but almost-hate her. I wouldn't even know she exists if he hadn't practically thrown it in my face that he met her. So insensitive.

[lostlove76]

I know you don't want to dig deep and delve into WHY you're hanging onto this guy (and, perhaps why you got involved with a self-professed "lustful womanizer" to begin with), but at some point, if you REALLY want to move on, you'll need to. As I said before, I had to do it, and it ain't pretty, but it's absolutely necessary. Focusing on him is a way to avoid focusing on you, I think. As long as you focus on him, nothing has to change. No real work has to be put in to making things better for yourself.

 

As for the question of whether or not it's better to know...that's a tough one. I found, in a couple situations in my life (my last ex in particular), it DID take knowing he was at least interested in/dating other people for me to move on.

 

Browneyed girl, I think you have nailed it here. I agree 100% with this. The longer you focus on him and whomever he might be with serves as a distraction that prevents you from feeling the totality of the loss and really looking at why you put up with what you have. I know you are in pain now but I suspect that you still have hope and I believe that hope can keep the pain at bay as well. Trust me when I tell you, I hold no judgement here. Like Browneyedgirl I have had to face those parts of myself that were not so easy to look at but it was necessary to do so I could stop and change patterns of behaviour that were not only not working, but causing me considerable pain and holding me back in very profound ways.

 

I think knowing that there are other women will help you move on. This knowledge has chipped away at the person you thought he was and this knowledge is powerful as it shows you who he is. Now that being said, you know enough now, you don't need to know anymore. He has/is moving on and he has hurt you over and over again. This you know beyond a shadow of a doubt and now it is time to stop looking. I agree with what you wrote earlier, that yes, it is hard not to check and peek about, but I think you need to make it your number one priority right now, take it bit by bit, and you will soon see that not looking will bring relief.

 

Thank you so much for having no judgement

 

I think you're right that I do still have hope, although I think it is slowly waning. I think right after I called it off, I really thought there was a good chance he would step it up and DO something to fix things! I think that was half of why I called it off in the first place (the other half being that I just couldn't take the emotional torture anymore). Well that big hope has all but disappeared. Now I just wish he would call and say some loving words of apology and missing me. Or leave it on voicemail or text since I probably wouldn't answer. Or heck, I just wish he would try to call period. Talk about breadcrumbs. At least I would know he hasn't forgotten me.

 

You're right that I am slowly having to come to grips with who he really is. I still struggle with it and look for excuses and remain slightly in denial. But what kind of guy, really, would profess to love someone so much and claim you're their soulmate and they want to be with you forever, and then just jump right into something with the next hot girl who walks by. Doesn't say much for his loyalty, does it. And I KNEW he's been this way in the past, his whole life, and yet I thought he would change for me. He's old enough to get it together already, yet he's still acting like a horny 20-something.

 

Sorry to vent so much! Just need to get it out of my system.

 

Knowing (or suspecting) he's with others probably is the only thing that will force me to move on, as painful as it feels.

[Realitynut]

But what kind of guy, really, would profess to love someone so much and claim you're their soulmate and they want to be with you forever, and then just jump right into something with the next hot girl who walks by.

 

Someone who doesn't mean what they say! And then just jump right into something with the next hot girl? Cuz not only does that show they don't mean what they say....they DON'T CARE either!!!

 

So...what kind of guy would do that? Your guy...one who doesn't MEAN it when he says those things to you....

 

My signature....he will not let you wonder...or wander.

 

Does that fit the description of your guy? Is he starting to lose his halo just a bit?

[reinventmyself]

You're right that I am slowly having to come to grips with who he really is. I still struggle with it and look for excuses and remain slightly in denial. But what kind of guy, really, would profess to love someone so much and claim you're their soulmate and they want to be with you forever, and then just jump right into something with the next hot girl who walks by. Doesn't say much for his loyalty, does it. And I KNEW he's been this way in the past, his whole life, and yet I thought he would change for me. Sorry to vent so much! Just need to get it out of my system.

It might be helpful if you stay grounded and acknowledge that this didn't happen overnight and though he may have said the words 'soul mate' I suspect if you could define what a soul mate is . . he may have fallen very, very short.

 

You have a tendency to spin some elaborate stories about what he's doing and what she's all about, but again if you can ground yourself you may realize that you have little basis or facts to go on.

 

He may have known her for longer than you think so he may not have `immediately' jumped into to something unknown either.

 

I am only pointing these things out because I think your tendency to not pay close attention to facts (or lack of), such as what's happening now, after the fact is the very thing that probably got you into trouble to begin with.

 

All the concocted stories don't mean anything. You have built him up to be more than he was and now are tearing him down to be less than he ever could be.

 

The only actual fact that you have right in front of you is you two are not together.

Not by location, electronically or otherwise.

 

I have mentioned this before . .but you do have a choice, along with a great imagination.

Imagine something you can handle and try not to punish yourself so much.

It will help you in your healing in the long run.

[lostlove76]

Hey everyone. I've gotten behind. I fell asleep the other night when I was replying, and then didn't catch up yesterday, sorry. House-sitting has me semi-busy, but not distracted from the thoughts. I'll catch up here later after I do a few things.

 

Not much has changed in the past day or two, except that this morning trashy girl posted a picture of herself on the street where he lives. So I am now more sure than ever that he's with her. There's a teeny tiny chance that she's just there and not with him, but that is highly unlikely. I kept hoping I was wrong about all of this, but it seems I was right.

 

I scanned the most recent comments, but I'll be back in a little while to read them more carefully after I get this stuff done. Thank you, as always, for the thoughts/input/care/advice.

[annie24]

Hi LL - I *really* think you need to block their facebooks/instagrams/etc... for a while. if not forever. It's not really doing you any good in your healing. Try to focus on you and your hobbies and goals.

[lostlove76]

Hey Annie. I know you've been telling me this, and I know that when the "proof" shows up that's he's definitely with her, I may wish I had listened to you. But at the same time, I wonder if I need to KNOW in order to move on. I'm already 95% sure, but I just don't KNOW. Which leads to moments of false hope. The heart isn't always rational. I have a mutual friend who could look on his fb page and tell me what he's been posting, but I've resisted doing that thus far. Part of me wants to know and part of me doesn't.

 

Reinventmyself: Maybe I should imagine something I can handle. So tempting to see worst-case scenario (not sure why??). Equally tempting to remain hopeful. I brought a blank notebook with me to housesit and have meant to write pages and pages of "closure" type things - why it needed to end, why I did the right thing, what could realistically happen in the future, etc etc etc. and some of the reframing stuff that was talked about earlier. But haven't gotten to it yet. RN: I also brought that book with me lol but haven't gotten to that yet either. Maybe in the next day or two! Hope I didn't miss replying to anyone, kind of hard on phone to quote and look back while posting.

 

Realitynut: Your earlier post about how we're not perfect for each other or else we would be together (sorry, can't easily quote or look back)... The thing is, as I'm sure you've read, commitment-phobes go after inappropriate partners and avoid what's good. I'm not just saying that to make myself feel better. It's the truth, from what I've read and know. They run when it's good. So I do believe we COULD HAVE been perfect for each other had he allowed it to happen. But he wouldn't let it. He's admitted as much. He's said it scares him to get too close. And he wasn't using it as an excuse - he said it during candid moments. Sigh, doesn't matter I guess, because the outcome is the same. He's with trashy married girl and not me. BEG: I'll explore the rest of your post later, but I think you're right in that she IS more suited for him than me, in some backwards way. She stays wasted all the time, she's married, she's a free spirit -- perfect for an alcoholic commitment-phobe.

[lostlove76]

I think it's painfully obvious at this point that the reason he's moved on so easily and I haven't is because he has options and a full life and I don't. He's working full time, has a ton of new friends, lives in a new place, and had this new girl he's lusting over. So easy to forget someone you proclaimed to love when you have something new and exciting to replace it. Whereas I'm in the same place I've always been, not in any condition to find anyone new to even talk to, and spending my days fixated on him and what he's doing. I'm fully aware of this, and not at all trying to be "poor me." It's in my power to develop my own life.

 

But let me ask you.... Is real love that easily replaced?? I know everyone thinks he was just saying words. But in general - if you take someone who has a full life on their own, and they love someone, can they just easily move on to the next because they have their own life and hobbies and interests and independence? Not sure I'm being clear in what I'm asking. Does having self-esteem make you immune to heartache when you lose someone you love? Or does it just make it easier? Do narcissistic womanizers have no feelings and no grief at all when something ends, as long as they have the next hot chick lined up?

 

Ugh. Just so hard to understand it, since I can only see it from my own emotional perspective.

 

Having said all that, I do think the false hope has drastically been reduced, the acceptance increased. The hurt still remains, which is probably why I'm doing so much comparing. Just trying to come to terms and process everything. I do think she's way hotter and more fun and unique than me, which is why I'm trying to find some bad to level it out. And honestly seriously wondering what kind of guy would go for someone so rough around the edges (she really really is, I promise she's trashy).

[Silverbirch]

LostLove, it sounds really silly, but it took me so long for me to GENUINELY TRULY understand that we don't all think and feel the same. We don't all have the same range of emotions. We are not all out looking for the same things. Some people can move on very quickly, and a lot of us can't.

 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. A lot of people do tend to have certain "types" they are attracted to - like petite blondes or classy brunettes. I don't think you should compare yourself to her although I know I have done the same thing in the past.

 

Didn't you know or go out with other men before he was on the scene? Usually somebody considers us "their type".

[reinventmyself]

I think it's painfully obvious at this point that the reason he's moved on so easily and I haven't is because he has options and a full life and I don't. He's working full time, has a ton of new friends, lives in a new place, and had this new girl he's lusting over. So easy to forget someone you proclaimed to love when you have something new and exciting to replace it. Whereas I'm in the same place I've always been, not in any condition to find anyone new to even talk to, and spending my days fixated on him and what he's doing. I'm fully aware of this, and not at all trying to be "poor me." It's in my power to develop my own life.

 

But let me ask you.... Is real love that easily replaced?? ).

 

I went back and skimmed over your time line and seeing he moved away going on 8 months now and back in April you two were at odd's over him going off the grid and not communicating.

 

I think it's safe to say he did not move on quickly or easily.

Very much to the contrary.

 

From this side it appears this has been a case of a slow-come-undone that went on for close to year, with fits & spurts of trying to keep a connection that just wasn't in the cards for you two.

 

There are so many things you get stuck and this is one of the most reoccurring themes. ~How could he move on so quickly?~

I don't think he did, honestly.

 

This seems to be more about the denial about exactly what was going on and you wanting to believe in what he said rather than watching what he did.

He waffled between you both and possibly tried on others along the way and made his decision. That's my guess.

 

I think if you convince yourself he `moved on so easily' that there isn't much validity to his new relationship.

I think that's an attempt to soften the blow.

It's typical. I think we all do that. But we need to be prepared when they are able to go the distance with the new person as well and not hold on to hope.

[lostlove76]

LostLove, it sounds really silly, but it took me so long for me to GENUINELY TRULY understand that we don't all think and feel the same. We don't all have the same range of emotions. We are not all out looking for the same things. Some people can move on very quickly, and a lot of us can't.

 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. A lot of people do tend to have certain "types" they are attracted to - like petite blondes or classy brunettes. I don't think you should compare yourself to her although I know I have done the same thing in the past.

 

Didn't you know or go out with other men before he was on the scene? Usually somebody considers us "their type".

 

He seems to have two types. He's had flings with a lot of similar trashy girls in the past. And then his two other long-term exes were pretty similar to me in body type and personality and such. So he's got these two completely opposite types he's attracted to.

[browneyedgirl36]

He seems to have two types. He's had flings with a lot of similar trashy girls in the past. And then his two other long-term exes were pretty similar to me in body type and personality and such. So he's got these two completely opposite types he's attracted to.

 

Interesting -- mine too. His longest relationships -- his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend prior to me -- were similar in many ways AND were somewhat similar to me in some ways. His last few girlfriends have been VERY similar, looks-wise, and have been quite a bit of drama, from what I hear. Hmmmmmmmm.....And, a common denominator among ALL of us (except his ex wife, who was the same age as him): We have all been a lot younger than him.

 

My current boyfriend is NOTHING like any guy I've ever dated as an adult, but he shares a ton of similarities with my very first boyfriend from high school -- looks-wise (height, build, hair and eye color, skin tone), similar personality, sense of humor, very affectionate, etc. Everyone in between them has been very different -- and not good for me at all, which suggests to me that, for a long time I had a "type" that was actually quite bad for me!

[lostlove76]

Interesting -- mine too. His longest relationships -- his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend prior to me -- were similar in many ways AND were somewhat similar to me in some ways. His last few girlfriends have been VERY similar, looks-wise, and have been quite a bit of drama, from what I hear. Hmmmmmmmm.....And, a common denominator among ALL of us (except his ex wife, who was the same age as him): We have all been a lot younger than him.

 

My current boyfriend is NOTHING like any guy I've ever dated as an adult, but he shares a ton of similarities with my very first boyfriend from high school -- looks-wise (height, build, hair and eye color, skin tone), similar personality, sense of humor, very affectionate, etc. Everyone in between them has been very different -- and not good for me at all, which suggests to me that, for a long time I had a "type" that was actually quite bad for me!

 

Ditto on that last sentence! Mine have all been very different in a lot of ways, but most were bad for me. The two who were decent, I lost interest in after a few months. They got on my nerves and I could hardly stand to be around them. The only two in the past that I really actually loved were both abusive. The rest were mostly quick flings in which we were both highly interested in each other in the beginning and then I got clingy and they dropped me (I've since then learned not to be clingy). But this guy, I loved more than I've ever loved anyone. Connected with him much better than anyone else. Sigh,

I'm feeling really sad again today. Like about to cry.

[lostlove76]

I went back and skimmed over your time line and seeing he moved away going on 8 months now and back in April you two were at odd's over him going off the grid and not communicating.

 

I think it's safe to say he did not move on quickly or easily.

Very much to the contrary.

 

From this side it appears this has been a case of a slow-come-undone that went on for close to year, with fits & spurts of trying to keep a connection that just wasn't in the cards for you two.

 

There are so many things you get stuck and this is one of the most reoccurring themes. ~How could he move on so quickly?~

I don't think he did, honestly.

 

This seems to be more about the denial about exactly what was going on and you wanting to believe in what he said rather than watching what he did.

He waffled between you both and possibly tried on others along the way and made his decision. That's my guess.

 

I think if you convince yourself he `moved on so easily' that there isn't much validity to his new relationship.

I think that's an attempt to soften the blow.

It's typical. I think we all do that. But we need to be prepared when they are able to go the distance with the new person as well and not hold on to hope.

 

I'm not sure this is accurate though. Doesn't really matter I guess. But he had actually increased contact for the last couple of months and hadn't really gone off the grid (though I worried about it a lot, so maybe that's where the confusion lies). He was pretty consistent with the contact, all the way up through the final two and a half weeks when he was calling every other day and I wasn't answering. He was saying all the same love stuff all the way through the day or two before the ultimatum deadline thingy. That's when he told me about trashy girl, and he said he had seen her three times within the past three weeks and that he didn't know where she was. Beyond that, I really don't know. He was still on the dating site a ton and still calling me up until I finally answered and yelled at him, and then he quit doing both. So I assume that's when things really took off with trashy girl.

 

I don't know why I say it was sudden. Realistically, I was pushing him away pretty hard for the final month or so of him calling. I kept not answering the phone. I'm not blaming myself or looking to make myself feel better, it's just a fact. I was reaching the end of my rope with him not coming to get me. I didn't want him gone. I was just angry and hurt and trying to detach only because I felt it was best for me.

 

I guess the "sudden" part is how he just suddenly quit trying to call and never tried again. Last night was exactly 2 weeks since he last called. It feels like waaay longer than that to me.

[reinventmyself]

As I read your response I hear you taking all the blame for why he's gone again.

[browneyedgirl36]

As I read your response I hear you taking all the blame for why he's gone again.

 

Yep. Me too. I see you taking SO much of this on yourself -- a function of low self-esteem/lack of self-confidence. And, I keep returning to your use of the phrase "coming to get me." Maybe it's the English teacher part of me -- which is a big part of me -- but I pay a lot of attention to people's word choices/how they word things. There are recurring patterns in your word choices; the choice of the phrase "coming to get me" suggests passively waiting for him to make a decision, rather than making the decision yourself -- whether it be to pack up and go to him OR to end things. And, your use of the word "trashy" to denote this other girl suggests something too: A need to convince yourself that he's making a huge mistake in "choosing" her over you.

 

None of this is a criticism of you; upon analyzing some of my own repeated refrains ("If only I'd done xyz" and "It was like he just took me and threw me to the curb like trash," etc.) I had to recognize that everything I was saying was framed around the idea that I wasn't "good enough," that I was doing something "wrong" or not doing enough "right" to keep him. All lies, but at the time, I had myself SO convinced of it. I also used to sarcastically refer to my ex's previous ex -- the one he couldn't get over for so long -- as "the lovely [insert her name here]." It was my way of affirming to myself that SHE was the problem -- that SHE was the reason we couldn't be together. I harbored resentment toward her for a LONG time. Now, I realize she was just as messed up as he was -- and as I was, at one point -- and that she was just another casualty in the whole mess.

 

I hope one day you will be able to look back and realize how hard you were on yourself, and needlessly so. He doesn't deserve a fraction of the credit you're giving him, and you don't deserve a fraction of the grief you're giving yourself.

[Silverbirch]

Ditto on that last sentence! Mine have all been very different in a lot of ways, but most were bad for me. The two who were decent, I lost interest in after a few months. They got on my nerves and I could hardly stand to be around them. The only two in the past that I really actually loved were both abusive. The rest were mostly quick flings in which we were both highly interested in each other in the beginning and then I got clingy and they dropped me (I've since then learned not to be clingy). But this guy, I loved more than I've ever loved anyone. Connected with him much better than anyone else. Sigh,

I'm feeling really sad again today. Like about to cry.

 

LostLove, it might be helpful to you to reflect on what it was about the nice guys that got on your nerves. Equally, if you reflect on what it was about the ones you felt a connection with. I think that might go some of the way in finding someone who you can connect with who is good for you.