The Ups and Downs of Loving a Commitment-Phobe

[reinventmyself]

It's okay. I know the timeline gets confusing. He did say to move on. But then 6 weeks later when he called, he immediately said "move here" and that he still loved me and missed me, and that was when I made it clear that we either had an exclusive relationship or nothing at all, and he agreed. And continued to agree for the next 5 months, never wavering in his words. His definition of "exclusive" may not be the same as other people's, because he just ended up doing what he wanted. I'm sure he twists things in his mind to where he can do what he wants and there's no problem with it and nothing to feel guilty for. But in that case, he just completely misled me, because I was very clear about my expectations, and I reminded him constantly. And he always agreed, in words.

 

Guys really can be jerks.

 

But remember, everything he said and promised, he did so while under the influence. In my opinion it doesn't count.

I'll repeat myself here, but you are trying to make sense of the senseless.

[lostlove76]

But remember, everything he said and promised, he did so while under the influence. In my opinion it doesn't count.

I'll repeat myself here, but you are trying to make sense of the senseless.

 

I guess I just figured that since he's drunk 75% of the time that the drunk him is the "real" him. And they say that drunk people speak the truth.

 

Anyhow. I've really had a huge setback these past few days. Yesterday I felt panicky all day. Today I woke up just feeling like crying. I'm fairly certain that he's probably seeing trashy girl. She probably moved there, and is probably living with him. I don't know that for sure, but I would bet on it. He suddenly quit calling me and quit getting on the dating site around the same time about a week ago. It hurts SO much to be replaced as if I meant nothing. And if she's living with him, then he's doing for her what he wouldn't do for me. I'm sure that he'll quickly fall in love with her. And I'm sure that he's forgotten all about me.

 

I know I'm not saying anything new here, but just needed to vent I guess. This is how I'm feeling at the moment.

[Realitynut]

Do you take any anxiety med? When I felt panicky...I had some valium. Helped a lot with that pain in my upper stomach...

 

I know it's painful...but you will eventually come out of the pain...and the fog....and the clouds will open and the sky's will be blue again!

 

It will just take a while. Start focusing on his FAULTS....don't dwell on the 'might have beens' and she is getting want I wanted....even when you're not sure there even IS a new woman! aaargh. It's all such a long process....I understand. Hugs and it really helped me to read that book. It really did. Honest. It did make sense of the senseless. I know you did feel like breadcrumbs were better than nothing. I got that. But I want to be happy with someone who WANTS to BE with ME!

 

And that is 'not part time Tom'. He's been texting. Sometimes I answer. Last night he never texted, and this morning I was all 'bummed' again. I thought...yep...this is why I have to be over him. over. over. over.

Then he texted this morning...and tonite. I never answered.

 

I least I know what he wants to talk about....unlike just a phone ringing....and you just left wondering...

 

He's coming home this weekend. I will not have seen him for 2 weeks. and not talked on the phone. I'm trying to think how to tell him I don't ever want to see him again. I've never told him that. I've always welcomed him back with open arms. We'd have a good few days...maybe a week...then wham! He couldn't stand to be around me...and everything that came out of my mouth irritated him.

 

I don't want to live like that. Do you want to live, loving a guy, who doesn't want YOU??? Remember...if he loved you, and wanted you...you would be down there. Remind yourself of that. And if he prefer's trashy girl....then is he the man you believed him to be???

[lostlove76]

Hugs Realitynut. Thanks for writing. Nice to hear from you.

 

Do you take any anxiety med? When I felt panicky...I had some valium. Helped a lot with that pain in my upper stomach...

I used to. I could probably benefit from taking them again, but just hate going to the doctor all the time for refills, and remembering to take them once a day (I took Zoloft). Such a pain.

 

Start focusing on his FAULTS....don't dwell on the 'might have beens' and she is getting want I wanted....even when you're not sure there even IS a new woman! aaargh. It's all such a long process....I understand.

I don't know for sure, and yet I FEEL sure that there's another woman! Otherwise he would be on the dating site and he would be calling me. I guess I do need to focus on his faults. Maybe I need to write them down for the 25th time. I've done it in the past, trying to get over him, but I could do it again. I wish his good side wasn't as wonderful as his bad side is awful.

 

I know you did feel like breadcrumbs were better than nothing.

This is how I am feeling. I hate him being out of my life for good and forever. But the breadcrumbs brought their own pain.

 

I'm trying to think how to tell him I don't ever want to see him again. I've never told him that. I've always welcomed him back with open arms.

If you do this, just make sure you're prepared to lose him for good. Which you should! He sounds like an a$$$. But I'm just telling you to be prepared, because when I called it off with mine, I expected him to keep calling indefinitely, and now that he's stopped, I'm having a huge setback. I don't think I was really prepared for it to be over forever. Sooooo....... gear yourself up for it before you do it. (Of course, who am I to give advice!? Take whatever I say with a grain of salt please, because I never want to lead anyone astray, given that I can't get my own sh straight).

 

And if he prefer's trashy girl....then is he the man you believed him to be???

I'm trying to see it this way. It's just weird, because he himself is not AT ALL trashy. He's very put together. Yet he goes after these trashy girls (there was another one in his past, before I met him, that seems very similar to this one). He doesn't care that she's married and has a million selfies of her shooting a bird at the camera and wearing slu7tty clothes and drunkenly trashing her husband on facebook. And leaving her kids behind just to move off and be a free spirit. Does any of this concern him? No. Because she's hot and exciting and he gets to be the hero. So you're right, he's not the man I believed him to be, if he chooses THAT. But somehow it still hurts terribly to think of him with her. She is my polar opposite in every single way. I'm more like the other two exes I've chatted with who he was on and off with semi-long term.

 

I may come back and vent/write some more tonight. My friend I was texting went to sleep, and my other friend is at a party. I'll be awake for hours, so I may just write some more.

[Realitynut]

Yeah...well I tell Tom's bad side.

I don't tell about when we first met, he'd do almost anything for me. And he was soooo funny. I'd laugh so hard, i'd pee my pants. I had to go buy panty liners.

 

And then there was the sex.

 

I went 15 years with zilch with ex husband...and have had many sexual partners (Many!!!) but none turned me on like short, fat, bald Tom. Plus he was always up for hiking and kayaking. And he would text me continually thru out the day....and we had so many funny one liners.

 

So I don't talk about his good qualities...because that was in the PAST.

 

He would be this perfect person, for a day or two....and then turn. Hence his Jeykle and Hyde personality.

 

I need to focus on the side that makes me cry. I need to focus on the side that is the COMMITMENT PHOBE. And he always WILL BE!

 

Do I want to focus on the good parts? Tonite I mentioned his living rm that he switched around when he met the 'new girl'. He put it back to the way it was before he met me. I then came along and refinished his crappy hardwood floors (after I pulled up the carpet) and did all this work on his house.

 

So anyway, I always complain about how far away the couch is from his tv now...and I can't see!!!! lol

So tonite he said (texted) he'd put it back the way it was if it bothered me so much.

 

I thought...hmmmm....I don't plan on being there.

 

It's going to be hard to tell him I don't want him....we've done this song and dance so many times before. He always comes back...or I call. But I've never said it was over. OK> I guess I did. I went to his house on New Years Eve and asked....are we in a relationship or not. (more words than that...) he said no. So I basically said goodbye...and had goodbye sex. ugh

 

The next day...I texted. One day down, and 2016 already sucks.

 

Next day he texted....wanna go for a walk?

 

So you see? Neither of us have any will power. So it has to be ME that is strong...because it's ME that is getting hurt. Tom....and your guy...is not getting HURT. So what the heck to they care??? They think we'll always be there for him.

 

And I should prepare myself for him moving on? yep! And it will be hard. But I finally have come to the conclusion, that I want to be prepared for someone new to come into my life.

 

The breadcrumbs are great...but they are so few and far between. And the 'between' hurts like hell....

[Realitynut]

Well...I musta made him mad. We were joking and I said something about 'down there'...and he said...hahahaha...what do you mean by 'down there'...I said, "Someplace you'll never see".

 

And he quit texting. Maybe he was getting the message.

 

I feel bad. I really do. But it will be 2 f'ing weeks since I've seen him...or heard his voice. And then the week before I saw him...and then before that...we went 2 weeks again apart.

 

I hate it.

 

Edit: scratch that...he just sent me a pic.

 

Huge Mosquito bite on his butt.

 

We both are such idiots..and have the same sense of humor. He always said that 'we get each other'....I too wonder why he has to be such an a$$hole ....

[annie24]

on a sort of off-topic note, we used to have a poster that was dedicated to getting married to her "commitment phobe" boyfriend. I think he just "wasn't that into her." Eventually she got him to "propose." she even encouraged him to get her a fake diamond (as if money was the thing stopping her from committing). She said he threw the ring in the box on their bed and said, "there you go." like..... ugh. That's not the proposal a woman dreams of. I guess now she's happy as a clam that she's married (still married?? who knows). But it's just sad to see someone settling for so little.

[lostlove76]

It is sad, Annie. And I can see it from the outside in others. Like RN -- I want better for you than Tom. But when we're caught up in it, it's so hard to see.

 

I've been soooooo sad and depressed today and the past few days. It's hard not to think of the good times and good qualities. Commitment phobes are horrible horrible people. I know it may seem to others like "he's just not that into you." But that's really not it. They aren't normal people. According to everything I've read and experienced, they run when it's GOOD. It's the good that scares them off. I know without a doubt, 100%, that mine was a commitment phobe, as he fits all the traits I've read about and he also admits to it. I think not being that into somebody looks different. I won't get bogged down in explaining all of it right now.

 

My guy was married in his younger years. Just thinking of this because of your short story Annie. Anyways, he told me that he never loved her, he just got married because she wanted to. I mean really?? Such a huge drastic step just because the other person wants to? I don't know what happened with that, but I know he cheated on her and I know it didn't last long. He's cheated on everyone he's ever been with, unless it was a short fling and there was no time to cheat.

 

We were perfect together. That's what's so sad and hard to deal with. He even said I'm perfect for him. And yet he goes off and kisses trashy girl and has probably by now moved her into his place (I don't know that but I'm guessing). Someone he barely knows. He dropped the connection that we had for THAT. Someone who is married and trashy but new and hot and exciting. He always said he loves me because I'm smart and can hold a conversation. He thinks he's the smartest person in the world (he really does - talk about narcissism, right). So it's a compliment that he felt I'm as smart as him. She doesn't sound overly smart from what I can see on her fb. She's average. Just TRASHY. No class at all.

 

Just makes no sense. He said I was his best friend. He was attracted. He was emotionally attached. There was nothing missing. Yet he let me go because he's an effing commitment phobe and a womanizer.

 

Really don't know when I'll get past all this hurt

[lostlove76]

The breadcrumbs are great...but they are so few and far between. And the 'between' hurts like hell....

 

This pretty much sums it up. And it really doesn't matter if the 'between' is two days or two weeks or two months. It still effing hurts. This isn't NORMAL, right??? In normal relationships, there is no 'between'.... right? It's been so long since I was in a "normal" relationship that I don't even know. While we were talking so much, 5 hours every other night on average, I don't know if that could be called breadcrumbs. But it wasn't enough for me. I would have rather have talked 2 hours every night than skipping nights. The 'between' breeds insecurity.

 

Tom....and your guy...is not getting HURT. So what the heck to they care??? They think we'll always be there for him.

They probably really don't feel hurt. Maybe momentarily. But they know they have all the power and that we're hooked. I don't know that mine feels anymore that I'll always be there for him, since I ignored him for longer than I ever have, and then reiterated I was done when I finally did talk to him. But he probably feels like he can call up in the future and I'll be waiting. He did that to one of his exes. Called her a couple times a year for a few years. And she was always there for him, always his "friend" until now, and I don't think she'll ever talk to him again. I'm not going to be her. I'm not going to be here a couple times a year when he gets lonely. Eff that. I will never be his friend; it will always be all or nothing for me. He led me to believe for the past 5-6 months that we were "all" but then he screwed it up so bad that now we're "nothing."

 

Just venting!! I don't know what hurts worse. To be angry and hurt over how they treated us, or to just miss all the good things about them. It ALL hurts.

[Realitynut]

Angry and hurt is better. It helps you move on. Sitting around and dwelling on all the good 'that was'....is just getting you stuck...and going no where. Anger is a motivator....

 

Moping/depression/dwelling.....never did anyone any good!

[lostlove76]

Angry and hurt is better. It helps you move on. Sitting around and dwelling on all the good 'that was'....is just getting you stuck...and going no where. Anger is a motivator....

 

Moping/depression/dwelling.....never did anyone any good!

 

It all hurts! But I guess anger is better. It's just hard to maintain the anger.

 

You and me both need one-woman type of guys. I wouldn't even care at this point how someone treated me as long as he was loyal. Can't think of anything more hurtful than womanizing and cheating and going back and forth between women.

[lostlove76]

Because what hurts the most is thinking of them having any kind of emotional connection with someone else. The sex is just whatever. I read somewhere that men get most jealous and upset about sexual cheating, and women get most upset about emotional cheating. So true in my case. I could much more easily handle a one night stand or purely sexual fling than something emotional. 'Course the ideal would be a guy who wouldn't jump right to the next girl whenever he felt like it. Do those kind of men exist? I almost hate men.

[notalady]

Guess what, there are plenty of one woman kind of men out there, you're getting bent out of shape for one that's not one of those.

[annie24]

I've been soooooo sad and depressed today and the past few days. It's hard not to think of the good times and good qualities. Commitment phobes are horrible horrible people. I know it may seem to others like "he's just not that into you." But that's really not it. They aren't normal people. According to everything I've read and experienced, they run when it's GOOD. It's the good that scares them off. I know without a doubt, 100%, that mine was a commitment phobe, as he fits all the traits I've read about and he also admits to it. I think not being that into somebody looks different. I won't get bogged down in explaining all of it right now.

 

But the outcome for the person waiting on the CP is the same - it doesn't matter whether he's not able or not willing to commit, it's just heartbreak for the devoted partner. There's no use in sticking around.

[lostlove76]

But the outcome for the person waiting on the CP is the same - it doesn't matter whether he's not able or not willing to commit, it's just heartbreak for the devoted partner. There's no use in sticking around.

 

True. so much heartbreak. They destroy people.

 

What hurts the most is knowing he's probably with someone else. I can't get it out of my head. My thoughts go back and forth between picturing him with her, and remembering all my good times with him. It seems like the intense heartache of missing someone doesn't go away until you find someone else. I don't want anyone else, I'm not the least bit ready for that. So I feel like this awful feeling is just going to stick around indefinitely and I'll never get over him or quit hurting. I turned my tinder thing back on, and got a few messages, but I can't even bring myself to reply.

 

I'm not sure if I'd be better off knowing if he's with trashy girl, or not knowing. I already assume that she moved in with him. Would be nice to know if that wasn't the case. There's no way to know though. Her husband still has himself listed as married on his page, still has the two of them in his profile pic. But that doesn't mean she didn't leave him.

[reinventmyself]

True. so much heartbreak. They destroy people.

 

What hurts the most is knowing he's probably with someone else. I can't get it out of my head. My thoughts go back and forth between picturing him with her, and remembering all my good times with him. It seems like the intense heartache of missing someone doesn't go away until you find someone else. I don't want anyone else, I'm not the least bit ready for that. So I feel like this awful feeling is just going to stick around indefinitely and I'll never get over him or quit hurting. I turned my tinder thing back on, and got a few messages, but I can't even bring myself to reply.

.

 

You're being reckless thinking along those lines. With your frame of mind you are guaranteed a bad choice in a man right now. Not to mention, for all the wrong reasons as well

As much as it hurts please resist using someone to distract you.

[lostlove76]

You're being reckless thinking along those lines. With your frame of mind you are guaranteed a bad choice in a man right now. Not to mention, for all the wrong reasons as well

As much as it hurts please resist using someone to distract you.

 

Oh, don't worry, I'm not even going to talk to anyone. I just have the thing turned on and swiped for a bit, just to see what's out there. I'm completely emotionally shut down and I doubt I could even hold a conversation with someone new. I was more just pointing out how since I'm NOT going to be meeting anyone else for a long time, I'm afraid I'll never get over this. I was thinking yesterday about how someone new makes you forget about the last one. I was thinking not about myself finding someone new, but about him and how he's apparently moved on really fast, and has probably forgotten all about me.

[browneyedgirl36]

Guess what, there are plenty of one woman kind of men out there, you're getting bent out of shape for one that's not one of those.

 

Yep -- I found one. It took me a loooooong time, but I did. They are out there, I promise!

[Ms Darcy]

I could benefit from therapy, but to tell me I need "intensive therapy" is a little harsh. I'm not asking anyone to solve my issues. I come here for support and information, and it's helped in that way. Whether I'm in therapy or not, this is going to take some time to get past and get over it. I see this all the time on these boards. Everyone is told they need therapy. I'm sure no one means to be insulting with the suggestion, but somehow it comes across that way. Perhaps it's how it is said.

 

I haven't followed this thread consistently, but in catching up with it I think that Jig's comment is one of the most helpful to you in the long run. It's a temporary hail mary to laser focus on the situation, this guy, this guy's issues. But in the long run, what will help you most is therapy. And I think the word "intensive" for therapy is apt and not harsh.

 

It is a little sad to see you seem (and I may be wrong in my reading here) to essentially be in the same place emotionally where you were when you started this journal.

 

Also, for me I agree that a lot of people are told to get therapy. I think some of it is a combination of things. When folks come here, it's sometimes because they need a lot of help. So that's one thing. Two, therapy isn't a bad thing. It can be helpful in assisting people get through some short-term rough spots.

[lostlove76]

Thanks Darcy. I just don't think it's that unusual that I'm still having such a hard time with this. I spent the last two years of my life invested heart, mind, and soul in this guy. It's now been just under a month since I called things off for good, and less than two weeks since we last talked. The majority of this thread was spent still with him (yes it was LDR, but we were in a relationship according to both of us). I've seen people on these threads still having depression and anxiety over a failed relationship more than half a year later. As much as it sucks, I think I'm just going to have to wait it out and hope I get over it. If I'm still feeling just as bad in a few weeks then I'll consider therapy.

 

It's 7:15am right now and I didn't sleep a wink last night. I'm consumed with thoughts of him with trashy girl (also a normal occurance after breakups, from what I've seen here). Lying awake all night and unable to sleep, I dug further back in her fb (also normal! I think it takes a very strong-willed person NOT to look), and it bothers me so much that he would screw up what we had for HER. She's extremely hot, unfortunately. But that's about the only thing she has going for her. Earlier this year she was flirting heavily with some other guy while her marriage was supposedly on good terms. I really have zero respect for a cheater. And what does it say about my ex guy that he wouldn't care that she's married? Really doesn't say much for him, does it. I'm sure it appeals to him, being the commitment-phobe that he is. Also what does it say about him that he doesn't care that she's so trashy? He himself is very well put-together, comes from a good family, very intelligent. And he goes for this girl who posts a million bikini selfies, can hardly type a proper sentence, shoots birds at the camera, and screws around on her husband.

 

Just venting again, I guess, and trying to convince myself that he's not worth it if that's the type of person he's going for. I try and I try to convince myself, and yet I just can't get past what I thought him to be.

[browneyedgirl36]

I totally understand the compulsion to stalk this girl's Facebook, but honestly, it's something you need to stop doing. It may feel like it helps, at the time, to look at her posts and pictures and make comparisons -- about how "hot" she is, about how "trashy" she is, etc., -- and I can understand, in a way, your rationale in trying to convince yourself that if he'd be with someone like that, it doesn't say much about him, etc. BUT...if you keep doing it, I can guarantee it's just going to make you feel worse as time goes on.

 

You're definitely going through a process that many people go through after a breakup, but a way to begin to move forward is to take the focus off him and put it back on you. I know I've probably said this before, but it's crucial that you take the focus off him. He doesn't deserve all of this energy and thought you're putting into him. As for this new woman, you don't know for certain what her story really is (Facebook doesn't tell you even remotely the whole story), or what their story is (if there even is one) or anything, really, than what you're seeing on social media, which is all pretty much superficial.

 

Today, try to do ONE thing for yourself -- no matter how small. Well, two things actually, one of which is NOT looking at his OR her social media. Block them if you have to, but you've got to stop looking. All it does is feed the misery.

[lostlove76]

Thanks browneyedgirl. Do you think I'm better off knowing or not knowing if he's with her? I guess that's mostly what I'm looking for. Signs of whether or not they're together. And I haven't really found any, but that doesn't mean they aren't. I figure he's with somebody or else he wouldn't have quit getting on the dating site, and he would have tried to call me again by now. It just hurts SO much to feel replaced. If it's not trashy girl, then he scrambled around and found someone after I dropped him, to fill the void. Because that's what he does. But if it IS trashy girl, I'm just trying to remind myself that it would have happened even if I hadn't dropped him. Something had already happened with them while he and I were on loving terms. So that wasn't going to stop him. And if she was going to move there, it would have had nothing to do with where he and I stood. And being the lust-filled womanizer that he describes himself as, he wouldn't have even tried to resist her. Just trying to convince myself that I had no control over this, and where we stood and how he felt about me had nothing to do with anything at all, because that's how he is. I'm just betting that he moved her in with him because she wouldn't have any money or anywhere else to go. So is it better to know or not to know if this is the case?? It's killing me believing it to be true.

[lostlove76]

And there I go still having the focus on him/them. Ugh. I feel so empty inside. I realize I'm obsessing at this point. He and I are done, that is now clear. He won't be calling and trying to fix things. It hurts sooo much after all the things he said and how emotionally close we got, even closer than before he moved. I loved him so much. And now it's all gone, and there's just this big hole in its place that is filled with self-doubt and missing him and fixation of why he would choose her over me and all those other horrible horrible feelings. He's moved right on to the next (most likely) and I'm left with no one, because I can't jump right into something else with someone new. It just makes me feel so forgotten and like I meant absolutely nothing at all. It's hard not to have feelings of complete worthlessness over this. Which I've seen on the threads and in articles that it's normal to feel this way. But God it sucks!

[Realitynut]

Yes it does. ((hugs))...but I would bet my last dollar...you haven't heard the last from him!!! And that should NOT make you feel Happy!! Yes...and all your focus is on him....start making a list of 'how I will start moving on'

 

You know the drill.

 

go for a walk.

 

Read that damn book.

 

Go to a movie with a girlfriend.

 

Block SOMETHING....anything...

 

Give yourself an HOUR to fixate....then after that, every time he pops into your mind...try your hardest to think of something else....like his BAD faults.

[browneyedgirl36]

And there I go still having the focus on him/them. Ugh. I feel so empty inside. I realize I'm obsessing at this point. He and I are done, that is now clear. He won't be calling and trying to fix things. It hurts sooo much after all the things he said and how emotionally close we got, even closer than before he moved. I loved him so much. And now it's all gone, and there's just this big hole in its place that is filled with self-doubt and missing him and fixation of why he would choose her over me and all those other horrible horrible feelings. He's moved right on to the next (most likely) and I'm left with no one, because I can't jump right into something else with someone new. It just makes me feel so forgotten and like I meant absolutely nothing at all. It's hard not to have feelings of complete worthlessness over this. Which I've seen on the threads and in articles that it's normal to feel this way. But God it sucks!

 

It is normal, but all of this is evidence of how you feel about yourself -- not so much how you feel about him. All the comparisons, and the fixation, and the crafting of narratives about this girl and what may or may not be going on with them, feeling 'replaced,' feeling he "chose" her over you, etc. -- these all say much more about how you feel about YOU rather than how you feel about him.

 

I know you don't want to dig deep and delve into WHY you're hanging onto this guy (and, perhaps why you got involved with a self-professed "lustful womanizer" to begin with), but at some point, if you REALLY want to move on, you'll need to. As I said before, I had to do it, and it ain't pretty, but it's absolutely necessary. Focusing on him is a way to avoid focusing on you, I think. As long as you focus on him, nothing has to change. No real work has to be put in to making things better for yourself.

 

As for the question of whether or not it's better to know...that's a tough one. I found, in a couple situations in my life (my last ex in particular), it DID take knowing he was at least interested in/dating other people for me to move on. On one hand, I didn't really WANT to know; on the other hand, once I did, it hurt like hell, BUT...it was the kick in the butt I needed (try having your ex bring his new girlfriend to the workplace -- loads of fun! ) I didn't need to go looking for it, though, and probably wouldn't have. My ex is so clueless and such an egomaniac that he blabbed about his dates/girlfriends to anyone who'd listen, and, as I said, brought one of them to work with him (!) so I found it out pretty much straight from the horse's mouth.

 

The problem with you "knowing" is that you don't have enough info to REALLY know, so you're taking bits and pieces and making up a story that may very well NOT be true. I remember when my mind would start to go there, I'd say things to myself like, "I don't know what he's doing, and it doesn't matter because we are no longer together and it's none of my business." Remember: In the absence of any concrete information, the mind will go to all sorts of places, most of them not good.

 

Just try, today, to avoid looking at his FB and hers (I say deactivate your account for a bit OR block both of them so you can't see anything). It's a start.