The Ups and Downs of Loving a Commitment-Phobe

[reinventmyself]

I am sorry LL.

Not doubt you can see why you've avoided ending this for so long.

Sometimes we'll make a deal with the devil to not go through the pain.

 

Just know that it's to be expected. You will come through this ok and probably a much wiser person for having done so.

Hang in there.

[lostlove76]

Thanks guys

 

Ughhh this sucks so much. I'm just waking up, but I'll write more in a little while. Thanks for the kind understanding and support.

[Realitynut]

Yes...I know. and that whole scenario is still 'all about him'.

 

I know. Tom was with a really NICE girl...2 years ago. And remember? I told you it only lasted 3 months. (no sex) because he and I were just starting a sexual relationship. But the minute she 'asked' something of him...he bailed. Why? Didn't want a 'commitment'.

 

Now this spring...found another girl. Seemed just exactly like him. (not trashy) It only lasted 2 months. Why? Didn't want a commitment. She stayed their for 3 nights in a ROW. TOO much for him to handle. Too much like a relationship. Too much like a commitment.

 

If your guy is truly a commitment phobe...why the hell would he escape YOU, who he had this great connection with, to run to someone trashy.

 

Aint gonna happen.

[lostlove76]

I hope you're right. But I just keep feeling like she's this new hot exciting chick, and he feels sorry for her, so he can save her and be the hero. If she's more flighty than he is, he won't feel pressured and won't be scared off. It really feels crappy that he would choose that over the connection that we had.

 

I guess I started thinking about it again because I was still wondering what the purpose for the Facebook change was. There had to be some reason he did that. If he's desperate enough to advertise for the ladies that he's single, seems he would be lonely and would have called and/or been on the dating site. If it was to catch my attention, still seems he would have called. So what else could it be? So I wondered if it was somehow for HER benefit since she has a husband. Maybe the husband was giving her a hard time, so he made it where the husband would think they aren't together. Is any of this rational thinking?? It feels very real and very possible to me. Of course I can't KNOW what's going on, but it seems extremely likely to me.

 

Even if it doesn't last, like with Tom and his flings, it will last long enough, because it's all new and exciting for him. And if she doesn't ask anything of him, and he just offers because he gets to be the hero, then he won't be scared off about any sort of commitment.

[Realitynut]

the connection that we had.

 

it will last long enough, because it's all new and exciting for him

 

Last long enough....for what? For you finally to get over him?

 

Are you noticing that all this is obsessing over him? You're not even trying to get over him? Moving on?

 

Look up Love Addiction...and open that book.

 

I was just reading it now. I have some pages bookmarked just for you! lol

 

Gotta go to work. Will talk later...but you can't dwell. He may be moving on...BUT THAT IS A GOOD THING!!!!

 

I wish Tom wouldn't contact me. I really do. It's much better to have a total NC.

 

Reread this whole thread...if you want something to THINK about.

[lilygirl]

But I just keep feeling like she's this new hot exciting chick, and he feels sorry for her, so he can save her and be the hero. If she's more flighty than he is, he won't feel pressured and won't be scared off. It really feels crappy that he would choose that over the connection that we had.

 

There is absolutely no sign that he is working on any of his issues and until he does the same pattern with women will play out over and over again. The characters may change but his behaviour will not. I know that it is extremely painful to imagine that this time it will work out for him and he will happily ride off into the sunset but I would bet a lot of cash that that will not be the case. It may look like it at the beginning because that is all that he can manage. I would also bet, that in time when you get through this you might feel sorry for the next woman he spends time with because she will suffer a similar fate as you.

[lostlove76]

Thanks. That helps. Just hurts to think that he'll have at least what we had with someone else. That they'll have an emotional connection like we had. That they'll have all the fun that we had before he moved. That she'll now occupy the major slot in his life like I once did. She'll be there, and I'm not. It could turn into a year or more. And if she's just like him, then they'll both be happy. If she lives there then he can't drop her and run away. He'll have to stick it through.

 

There's not anything at all that I can do about it. I know I need to quit obsessing over it, but even when I'm not actively thinking about, it's still always there in the back of my mind. To the point that I fall asleep thinking about it (after tossing and turning for hours) and wake up thinking about it when I'm not in full control of my thoughts because I'm in and out of sleep, that half-aware-half-dreaming state when you first wake up.

 

It would be nice if I just didn't CARE but unfortunately I do. Really hope this eventually goes away! I've been talking to my friend some more, my best friend from back in the day, and that helps a little. She knows a lot about addiction and mental health. Just chatting with her like old times is nice. Tonight I'm going to work for a few hours, which I dread because I'm so depressed, but maybe it will help.

 

I have to keep reminding myself, so I'll do it again here, that there's nothing I could have done to change the outcome. I did all I could do. I'm not down there, and he's a cheater, so there's no way I could have prevented him from meeting her or wanting more with her. It was out of my control. If he didn't value what we had enough to do what it takes to keep it, there's nothing I can do about that. I wasn't going to stick around while he was seeing others.

[browneyedgirl36]

I don't think you get to choose which of the "about" info shows up on your front page. I've never seen it being done nor see an option that allow it? Potentially the last info you update shows up on the front page, but that's not the case on me and my boyfriend's page, and a few others I know where the relationship status would've been the last info they updated and doesn't show up on the front page. Either way, I don't think it has anything to do with you and you're reading way too much into it.

 

Actually, you CAN control it. I used to have my status listed as "single," but I was getting a TON of unsolicited, weird messages from random men hitting on me, so I hid my relationship status and it doesn't show up on my main page anymore. I just checked, and it doesn't even show up in the "about" section. I still DO have a relationship status -- I never changed that -- so somewhere, FB has it that I'm single, but it doesn't show up anymore.

[browneyedgirl36]

You're probably right. Sucks.

 

I know it sucks, but yeah, I agree, it's a sign he's looking to find someone.

 

You may not feel it now, but actually, it's good news. I think I mentioned to you that I finally moved on from my ex when he made it clear that he was dating/pursuing others. If he hadn't, who knows how long I would have hung on? So, as much as it sucked, it was the best thing that could have happened for me, really.

 

Hang in there...

[lilygirl]

I have to keep reminding myself, so I'll do it again here, that there's nothing I could have done to change the outcome. I did all I could do. I'm not down there, and he's a cheater, so there's no way I could have prevented him from meeting her or wanting more with her. It was out of my control. If he didn't value what we had enough to do what it takes to keep it, there's nothing I can do about that. I wasn't going to stick around while he was seeing others.

 

This is it, there is nothing you could have done to change the outcome. He is incapable of a long term serious commitment and that has nothing to do with you. He has never had one before and he is almost 40. I don't think it is about not valuing the time together or the feelings shared it is about that he just can't get past a certain point with you or anyone. I know this doesn't help mend your broken heart but hopefully in time you will see that this was all out of your hands.

[lostlove76]

But it's making me feel panicky! Like almost to the point of a panic attack. I just got to work and waiting to get started, so I'm typing this fast. I'm more worried about trashy girl having moved there than his looking for randoms. He quit getting on the dating site! If he was still looking for others wouldn't he be in the site? But if she moved there, why would he do that with his status??

[thejigsup]

You need intensive therapy. I'm praying for you. No one on here is capable of solving your issues but you, and you do not seem to want to. Therapy. Yep.

[Realitynut]

Ummmm.....I thought this thread was about YOU....not about HIM. And you moving on from him. A while back, someone said, either pick up the phone and call him....or MOVE ON.

 

If this is killing you so much, how much worse could it be if you talked to him. It's not like you're NOT talking to him because you want to move on...you're not talking to him, as some sort of punishment to him. But in your eyes...it backfired.

 

When I talked to the ex in Wisconsin...the fiance' guy...it helped to hear him say, "yeah, I think I love her" when I asked.

 

One time, in the depths of my despair ....he said we should meet at a water park and have fun. Later he told me he only said that to 'help me out of my depression'. So did it help? Hell no.

 

So. You have 2 options. Either take his phone calls, when and if he calls. Call him and ask if he's with trashy girl. Keep the communication open like you have for the last 8 months. Stay on the roller-coaster. (btw.....he doesn't see it as cheating. I think he told you when he moved away, that you should move on...or something like that. So it sounded as if he was 'breaking up'....so 'cheater' doesn't come into play, because he doesn't think he's cheating. Only YOU do!

 

Or....your other option? Stop obsessing. Start a journal, and NOT have it be about him, but about the steps you are taking to get over him.

 

Like I have mentioned before, I wrote down, Today I will only think about him 10 min.

 

Or today I will clean the bathroom....

 

My counselor told me to make a 'safe haven' in my apartment, that was nice and clean and cozy. To read. or whatever. (I had stopped cleaning while I was depressed....stopped everything basically)

 

So I know what you are going through. Read this journal...read that book. TRY to stop making everything about HIM. It's about YOU.

 

He's not putting HALF as much thought in his life about YOU.

 

When I met Tom....I was still talking about the ex from Wisconsin. (2 years after the breakup!!!!)

 

Tom said, Why love someone who doesn't love you?

 

I'm going to have to use that line on him....

[browneyedgirl36]

When I was in the throes of my non-acceptance of my ex's choice to not actively BE with me (as opposed to just calling me up/texting when he was bored, lonely, not currently involved with someone else, etc.) there was a point where he was doing this "dance" with his previous ex -- still talking to her, still hung up on her, still angry at her but still "loving" her at the same time (I put that in quotes because I'm not entirely sure it was actually love, or that he was really capable of loving anyone really), I was reminded of the film "My Best Friend's Wedding," and this scene where Rupert Everett delivers the hard truth to Julia Roberts. I remember cringing when I thought of it, but I was cringing because it was just SO true:

 

 

 

Ask yourself this: You're twisting yourself in knots over this guy; thinking about him constantly; checking social media and dating sites to monitor his activity; waiting for the phone to ring or that text to come through; giving all the available space in your brain to HIM and what he feels, what he's doing, etc. Who's doing all that for you? He certainly isn't. Who's looking out for YOU and YOUR feelings? Right now, no one -- not him, and definitely not you, because your energy is focused on him.

 

I hope this doesn't sound awful, but I really hope he DOESN'T contact you. This part of the process feels terrible, but it's totally necessary. It's the first step toward moving forward with your life and leaving room for other experiences, other things, other people. The end of the tunnel may seem a long way off, but it's there. You just have to be committed to looking for it.

[Realitynut]

Yes...When LL said it was nice that he texted me (My on/off guy) I said...no it wasn't. It keeps me on the roller-coaster. It makes me think he CARES. When in reality, he's calling me cuz he's bored. He's off in a tent somewhere, that he told me I couldn't be there with him! Weeks before that, we weren't together, he was away in Texas...in a hotel room...bored. He started texting/calling. Saying he LOVED me...and he was so glad I was talking to him, and that I was in his life!!!

 

So easy to say, when you're MILES apart! (are you getting this? LL)

 

But when we're together, it's too much for him to handle.

 

So yeah...I'd prefer him NOT to call...if I want to get over him.

 

I WANT him to call...if I want to stay with him, and hope he comes to his senses and loves me forever.

 

Which ain't happening, no matter what he tells me.

 

Soooo....LL. Be thankful he isn't calling you. But I also know you're not in that spot of wanting to let go yet.

 

I've been on this roller-coaster for 2 years!!! (Before that...for 10 months, not ONE fight and saw each other almost daily. Before sex that is...)

 

It's up to you LL. Depression. I knew the fiance' was with someone. I didn't have to guess. Or wonder. The first 4 months I had hope. Hope is NOT your friend.

 

I think I have told you that before.....

 

LOL...read the book...lol Sorry. I know you're hurting. I feel like I'm finally crawling out of a hole .....and it feels so good. But he's been 10 hours away. We'll see if I can stay this strong when or if he ever shows up at my door....

[lostlove76]

RN: I just have to clarify that it WAS cheating, because even though we broke up after he moved, when he called 6 weeks later I made it clear that we were either going to be in an exclusive relationship with the plan of me moving there, or we wouldn't talk at all. He agreed to it, and for 5 months he said that yes we're in a relationship, yes we were exclusive, no he wasn't talking to anyone else (and wasn't going to), and yes we were boyfriend/girlfriend. All of this was agreed upon, and I didn't force it out of him, he agreed. Meanwhile, the entire time, he was telling me he was in love with me and I'm his girl and he wants to be together forever and get married. All those things he said. So yes, it was most definitely cheating, becuause it was agreed upon that we were in an exclusive relationship.

[lostlove76]

You need intensive therapy. I'm praying for you. No one on here is capable of solving your issues but you, and you do not seem to want to. Therapy. Yep.

 

I could benefit from therapy, but to tell me I need "intensive therapy" is a little harsh. I'm not asking anyone to solve my issues. I come here for support and information, and it's helped in that way. Whether I'm in therapy or not, this is going to take some time to get past and get over it. I see this all the time on these boards. Everyone is told they need therapy. I'm sure no one means to be insulting with the suggestion, but somehow it comes across that way. Perhaps it's how it is said.

[lostlove76]

This is it, there is nothing you could have done to change the outcome. He is incapable of a long term serious commitment and that has nothing to do with you. He has never had one before and he is almost 40. I don't think it is about not valuing the time together or the feelings shared it is about that he just can't get past a certain point with you or anyone. I know this doesn't help mend your broken heart but hopefully in time you will see that this was all out of your hands.

 

I find this comforting, thank you. Sometimes during panicky or low moments, it helps just to get a reality check from someone who can see it on the outside looking in. When I wrote earlier that I was feeling panicky, I was posting at the same time as you and hadn't read yours yet.

[Realitynut]

RN: I just have to clarify that it WAS cheating, because even though we broke up after he moved, when he called 6 weeks later I made it clear that we were either going to be in an exclusive relationship with the plan of me moving there, or we wouldn't talk at all. He agreed to it, and for 5 months he said that yes we're in a relationship, yes we were exclusive, no he wasn't talking to anyone else (and wasn't going to), and yes we were boyfriend/girlfriend. All of this was agreed upon, and I didn't force it out of him, he agreed. Meanwhile, the entire time, he was telling me he was in love with me and I'm his girl and he wants to be together forever and get married. All those things he said. So yes, it was most definitely cheating, becuause it was agreed upon that we were in an exclusive relationship.

 

Thanks LL. I understand now. I thought he said to move on. Yes...if he agreed to be exclusive...then yes. It was cheating. I guess if he was telling you he wanted to be married. ...you are under the impression it's you...and only you! Then again, the idiot ex fiancé, was still talking to me about getting married, but wasn't ready to 'give her up yet'....and had us both for another 8 months.

[notalady]

Actually, you CAN control it. I used to have my status listed as "single," but I was getting a TON of unsolicited, weird messages from random men hitting on me, so I hid my relationship status and it doesn't show up on my main page anymore. I just checked, and it doesn't even show up in the "about" section. I still DO have a relationship status -- I never changed that -- so somewhere, FB has it that I'm single, but it doesn't show up anymore.

 

I know you can choose to hide your relationship status, that means that it won't show up anywhere on your page, not just the main page. The main page is just showing a snippet of the "about" information, I don't think you can make information not show up on the front page but stay in "about" and vice versa.

 

I first thought LL meant he had the status visible, but not showing on the front page, and later changed it to make it show on the front page. It was later clarified he actually hid his status before and now unhid it.

[lostlove76]

Thanks LL. I understand now. I thought he said to move on. Yes...if he agreed to be exclusive...then yes. It was cheating. I guess if he was telling you he wanted to be married. ...you are under the impression it's you...and only you! Then again, the idiot ex fiancé, was still talking to me about getting married, but wasn't ready to 'give her up yet'....and had us both for another 8 months.

 

It's okay. I know the timeline gets confusing. He did say to move on. But then 6 weeks later when he called, he immediately said "move here" and that he still loved me and missed me, and that was when I made it clear that we either had an exclusive relationship or nothing at all, and he agreed. And continued to agree for the next 5 months, never wavering in his words. His definition of "exclusive" may not be the same as other people's, because he just ended up doing what he wanted. I'm sure he twists things in his mind to where he can do what he wants and there's no problem with it and nothing to feel guilty for. But in that case, he just completely misled me, because I was very clear about my expectations, and I reminded him constantly. And he always agreed, in words.

 

Guys really can be jerks.

[lostlove76]

I know you can choose to hide your relationship status, that means that it won't show up anywhere on your page, not just the main page. The main page is just showing a snippet of the "about" information, I don't think you can make information not show up on the front page but stay in "about" and vice versa.

 

I first thought LL meant he had the status visible, but not showing on the front page, and later changed it to make it show on the front page. It was later clarified he actually hid his status before and now unhid it.

 

His status said Single in the About section, and was always visible/public in that section. But it wasn't showing on the front page. Then he must have changed the settings to make it show on the front page. I finally figured out how to do that. It's hard to describe what's what without screenshots, and since Facebook constantly changes their layout and such. But hopefully that makes sense. I'm pretty sure he actually went in and checked a box to make Single show up on his front page. Which is confusing to me, like why even bother doing that? But we went over the why's before. Still makes me wonder though.

[lostlove76]

'Course, now I'm wondering if it was just some default change and he didn't actually do it on purpose. Like maybe he updated some of his bio info, and it for some reason put his single status on the front page. Or maybe facebook messed with the layout again.

 

I know I shouldn't care. I know I shouldn't look at his page. I know I shouldn't try to figure this stuff out. But I think it's pretty common for people to do this after breakups. There are probably more people who do it than don't do it. That doesn't make it good or healthy, I know.

[browneyedgirl36]

'Course, now I'm wondering if it was just some default change and he didn't actually do it on purpose. Like maybe he updated some of his bio info, and it for some reason put his single status on the front page. Or maybe facebook messed with the layout again.

 

I know I shouldn't care. I know I shouldn't look at his page. I know I shouldn't try to figure this stuff out. But I think it's pretty common for people to do this after breakups. There are probably more people who do it than don't do it. That doesn't make it good or healthy, I know.

 

You're right -- it's normal. You're also right that it's not healthy. Try to occupy your mind with other topics so that you don't go around in circles with yourself about this. I've been there, and it ain't pretty. I remember when I had a similar experience, I would say things to myself like, "It doesn't matter WHY he did that; it just matters that he did." Because, ultimately, it doesn't matter why. All you need to know is that he did.

[lostlove76]

You're right -- it's normal. You're also right that it's not healthy. Try to occupy your mind with other topics so that you don't go around in circles with yourself about this. I've been there, and it ain't pretty. I remember when I had a similar experience, I would say things to myself like, "It doesn't matter WHY he did that; it just matters that he did." Because, ultimately, it doesn't matter why. All you need to know is that he did.

 

Thanks for understanding.

 

I think it's just killing me to think of him moving on. That's why I had so much anxiety today. So I'm looking for any small sign that he's still thinking of me, rather than him just having forgotten me entirely.