The Ups and Downs of Loving a Commitment-Phobe

[lostlove76]

Wow...I mean, wow. I am super impressed that you feel this way.

 

To be honest, I expected the opposite response. That you were still hoping he'd "step up" with a "grand gesture" and that if he did, you'd be willing to forgive and forget all the lying and cheating.

 

But I am really pleasantly surprised. You have really made great progress!

 

I hope this means you realize you do NOT have to settle for a lying, cheating addict who disregards your feelings. That you CAN have a man who loves and values you as much as you do him. And that you can achieve that after you've done some work to find out who you really are, and that you are someone who does deserve the very best.

 

So awesome!

 

Thank you!

 

I really don't think I'll find anyone else any time soon. I've thought about looking at the dating site in my area just to see what's out there, but any other time I've looked, it's just been depressing. The pickings are slim! Not to be snobby or mean, but they're all just a bunch of idiots. I'm not ready right now anyhow, and couldn't possibly connect with anyone else at this point. I know you meant in the future though

 

I think I really did believe for a while that he might actually step it up and come get me rather than letting go of what we had. Now I don't believe it at all. He doesn't want that. He wants to be single so he can screw around and do whatever he wants. Which is weird, because he gets lonely and needy, yet he doesn't want anyone too close. I guess he would rather just have flings. Then everything is always new and exciting, and they can't ask too much of him. He really doesn't value the kind of close, lifelong connection that he was always talking about and saying he wanted. Ugh! I hate him

[notalady]

Agree with others, you've made some really good progress and are talking rationally in the last few posts, meaning you're finally starting to see the reality of things and that's awesome!

 

Although I will add, you can't trust him not because you can't be at the same place, it's because he's a cheater and liar and just not trustworthy person.

 

I can say if I was to be long distance with my boyfriend for 6 months hypothetically, I would feel very at ease and confident that he wouldn't do anything crossing the line let alone cheating. I know people in LDR, while not an ideal situation, have complete trust that the other person will not do anything to compromise their relationship. On the other hand, look at the amount of posts on here about couples that live together and/or married where the guy cheats, they are physically at the same place a lot of the time and probably know what the other person is doing a lot of the time, it doesn't change anything.

 

The distance isn't the issue, he is.

 

I once heard someone say, only a foolish woman try to control a man's body, what it means is that knowing or having control over where the guy's physical whereabouts or what he's doing or who he's talking to at any point of time means nothing because you can't control his mind, what he wants to do, he will find a way to do. So if he's looking to compromise the relationship (cheating, flirting, whatever), it's only a matter of time that it will happen, regardless of how close you are physically and how much time you manage to keep him around and how much you keep tabs on him.

[boltnrun]

Thank you!

 

I really don't think I'll find anyone else any time soon. I've thought about looking at the dating site in my area just to see what's out there, but any other time I've looked, it's just been depressing. The pickings are slim! Not to be snobby or mean, but they're all just a bunch of idiots. I'm not ready right now anyhow, and couldn't possibly connect with anyone else at this point. I know you meant in the future though

 

I think I really did believe for a while that he might actually step it up and come get me rather than letting go of what we had. Now I don't believe it at all. He doesn't want that. He wants to be single so he can screw around and do whatever he wants. Which is weird, because he gets lonely and needy, yet he doesn't want anyone too close. I guess he would rather just have flings. Then everything is always new and exciting, and they can't ask too much of him. He really doesn't value the kind of close, lifelong connection that he was always talking about and saying he wanted. Ugh! I hate him

 

Well, that's what he's using you for.

 

He can get his fix of "I love you, I love you" from you from a safe distance, then he can get the thrill of the chase and new woman jollies from whomever he's meeting out there.

 

There was a method to his madness when he moved away, you know.

 

But you're on to him now. If he feels needy and reaches out to use you to comfort himself, he will (hopefully) be met with a recording that says the number is no longer in service, or the phone will ring and ring with no voice mail recording (when you [hopefully] block him).

 

Also, you know now that him reaching out is not a sign that he cares and loves and misses YOU, he just misses what he's gotten used to using you for...to soothe himself when he's feeling "needy". It's NOT a compliment, it's selfish and it's mean.

 

And yes, I agree that now is not the time to search for someone else, because you'll be likely to choose someone like him, someone who will come on with the words but no sincere actions. Work on YOU first, then when you're ready you can meet men with a more discerning eye.

[lostlove76]

So so true, notalady. He blamed this thing with trashy woman on me not being there. That was his excuse, that I'm not there. As in, he has to fulfill his needs somewhere else. Not okay. And he probably would have done it anyway even if I was there.

 

I know I'm hurting myself by looking, but I see that he's continuing to be super flirty with the same girl on Facebook from yesterday. Yesterday he said hey sexy, and she said she was just talking about him to someone. And today he replied, glad you were thinking of me, with a winky face. I don't know what all he has going on or with how many women. I would rather it be a bunch of women than one special one. I was so worried about trashy girl, but now he's heavily flirty with this old "friend" of his. All of it just literally makes me feel ill. I still can't help but fear that he's going to have what we had, with someone else. I know all people fear that after breakups so I know it's normal to feel this way. And I know that he's probably not going to let anyone get too close for too long. But it's still a crappy feeling. This girl lives here, so I guess theirs would be a LDR too, unless she moved there. One of his exes that I keep mentioning was long-distance. And actually, trashy girl lives 4.5 hours from him, unless and until she moves there. So I guess long-distance is what he WANTS, which is typical of commitment phobes. He probably wants something emotional long-distance and something physical close to him, all at the same time.

[lostlove76]

Well, that's what he's using you for.

 

He can get his fix of "I love you, I love you" from you from a safe distance, then he can get the thrill of the chase and new woman jollies from whomever he's meeting out there.

 

There was a method to his madness when he moved away, you know.

 

But you're on to him now. If he feels needy and reaches out to use you to comfort himself, he will (hopefully) be met with a recording that says the number is no longer in service, or the phone will ring and ring with no voice mail recording (when you [hopefully] block him).

 

Also, you know now that him reaching out is not a sign that he cares and loves and misses YOU, he just misses what he's gotten used to using you for...to soothe himself when he's feeling "needy". It's NOT a compliment, it's selfish and it's mean.

 

And yes, I agree that now is not the time to search for someone else, because you'll be likely to choose someone like him, someone who will come on with the words but no sincere actions. Work on YOU first, then when you're ready you can meet men with a more discerning eye.

 

Do you think he purposely moved away to make us long distance and/or just to get away from the closeness? I can't say I haven't wondered.

[boltnrun]

Do you think he purposely moved away to make us long distance and/or just to get away from the closeness? I can't say I haven't wondered.

 

Yes I do.

 

That way he could keep using you when he's feeling "needy" but he didn't have to deal with the day to day demands a traditional relationship would require. He didn't want to end it completely (because then he couldn't use you) but he didn't want you around all the time either.

 

And it worked, for a long time. But now you're starting to stand up for yourself and insist he act like the partner he's been saying he wants to be. At first he didn't believe you (because you've done this before and caved in because you "missed" him), but now that you seem to mean it he's running for the hills.

 

Of course, you can expect the occasional drunken call (because you refuse to block him or change your number), but remember, it isn't because he loves you dearly and wants you two to be together. It's because HE's feeling lonely and he wants to use you to ease that loneliness.

 

You know, I don't consider it a compliment when my ex tries desperately to get me to see him when I visit his area. I know he's doing it to feed HIS ego, so he can tell himself I still love him and can't forget about him. I just laugh at him. He's a fool and he's stupid and he's pathetic and I KNOW he isn't contacting me because he loooovvveeees me...it's because he's a loser. And keep in mind, I once had convinced myself we had a tremendous love connection, but I was wrong.

[reinventmyself]

can't help but fear that he's going to have what we had, with someone else.

 

And he will.

He will reel her in and leave her hanging too. She'll be the recipient of his drunk phone calls at inappropriate hours. She'll endure his wandering eye, among other body parts. She'll deal with his alcohol abuse and the inaccessible parts of him.

She'll deal with all the empty promises.

She can pick up the broken glass and put him to bed and condition herself accept less than nothing in return.

`She' can have him!

 

When we are feeling grief we hurt ourselves even more by falsely believing that they will magically transform into someone else when with someone new.

It -just -doesn't -happen.

Stop punishing yourself.

[lostlove76]

can't help but fear that he's going to have what we had, with someone else.

 

And he will.

He will reel her in and leave her hanging too. She'll be the recipient of his drunk phone calls at inappropriate hours. She'll endure his wandering eye, among other body parts. She'll deal with his alcohol abuse and the inaccessible parts of him.

She'll deal with all the empty promises.

She can pick up the broken glass and put him to bed and condition herself accept less than nothing in return.

`She' can have him!

 

When we are feeling grief we hurt ourselves even more by falsely believing that they will magically transform into someone else when with someone new.

It -just -doesn't -happen.

Stop punishing yourself.

 

Thank you.

 

But what if this girl doesn't tolerate all of that, and he knows that she has more self-worth than to put up with it. THEN will he be a better guy??? Or what if she's just as much of a free spirit as he is, and doesn't want that much closeness either. Then, since he doesn't feel pressured, will he then treat her "normally"?

[boltnrun]

Thank you.

 

But what if this girl doesn't tolerate all of that, and he knows that she has more self-worth than to put up with it. THEN will he be a better guy??? Or what if she's just as much of a free spirit as he is, and doesn't want that much closeness either. Then, since he doesn't feel pressured, will he then treat her "normally"?

 

Honey, you're spending SO much time trying to figure out what he's going to do or what he might do!

 

Instead, how about focusing that energy on doing something fun? I can't imagine all this obsessing and speculation is fun!

[lostlove76]

Bolt: Just seems so drastic to actually MOVE to get away from closeness. But he told me from day 1 that he was eventually going to. And he's always moved around. He lived somewhere else for a year and then moved back here. Then while he lived here, he lived in hotels for a while while working out of town. In his younger years he traveled a lot for work. So he's really never stayed in one place for long. However, I think his place now is where he's going to settle. A few months ago he was talking about coming back here to work and keeping his place there, and driving back and forth on weekends. Well that didn't happen. Then he was talking about working in a nearby (to him) city because he was tired of his job. But then he started loving his job.

 

He changes his mind, jobs, locations, and partners all the time. I do think he'll stay where he is now forever though.

[lostlove76]

Honey, you're spending SO much time trying to figure out what he's going to do or what he might do!

 

Instead, how about focusing that energy on doing something fun? I can't imagine all this obsessing and speculation is fun!

 

Yeah, it's not fun. But it's hard to have fun doing anything while feeling this way. Maybe tomorrow! I just miss him, despite everything. I guess that's normal as well. It's been so long since I've had an actual "break up" that this is all kind of new to me. I've had a hard time getting over flings (flings for them, but I was attached) but those were short things that, looking back, meant nothing. Then I've had a couple of breakups where I didn't love the guy and had lost interest. The last real breakup I had (in which I actually cared) was 15 years ago, and I handled it remarkably well. I loved him but knew it was unhealthy and I had to get out, so I did. But this one is just torture.

[boltnrun]

Maybe you'll get tired of the torture and finally stop stalking his Facebook and the dating site looking for signs of...what is it you're looking for exactly?

 

And stop staying up late waiting for his calls so he can...use you to make himself feel less lonely while he's between kissing other women?

 

Why don't you believe that stopping all this activity will make you feel better?

[reinventmyself]

You need to start catching yourself when you start to spin off with 'what if's'

Say the word 'stop' out loud when you do and consider stopping the writing of them all down here to read.

It gives these unnecessary, pointless, obsessive thoughts much more power than they deserve

[lostlove76]

Maybe you'll get tired of the torture and finally stop stalking his Facebook and the dating site looking for signs of...what is it you're looking for exactly?

 

And stop staying up late waiting for his calls so he can...use you to make himself feel less lonely while he's between kissing other women?

 

Why don't you believe that stopping all this activity will make you feel better?

 

I really truly honestly don't know why I keep doing it, I really don't. It doesn't make much sense to torture myself, does it? I think I'm looking for proof that he's not hung up on any one girl in particular, but the random flirting still hurts. I guess that's what I'm looking for though - some kind of "evidence" that he'll come back to me and completely change and be a good boyfriend (I knew we've covered all that already, but it's still a far-off hope/fantasy). I know it's stupid and that I won't find what I'm looking for and that he's not going to come back and change, and that if he did come back I shouldn't trust him anyway. But the compulsion to look is still there. I don't really understand it, but that's my best guess for why I do it.

[reinventmyself]

I really truly honestly don't know why I keep doing it, I really don't. It doesn't make much sense to torture myself, does it? I think I'm looking for proof that he's not hung up on any one girl in particular, but the random flirting still hurts. I guess that's what I'm looking for though - some kind of "evidence" that he'll come back to me, to be honest, and completely change and be a good boyfriend (I knew we've covered all that already, but it's still a far-off hope/fantasy). I know it's stupid and that I won't find what I'm looking for and that he's not going to come back and change, and that if he did come back I shouldn't trust him anyway. But the compulsion to look is still there. I don't really understand it, but that's my best guess for why I do it.

Now you're backsliding again

[lostlove76]

You need to start catching yourself when you start to spin off with 'what if's'

Say the word 'stop' out loud when you do and consider stopping the writing of them all down here to read.

It gives these unnecessary, pointless, obsessive thoughts much more power than they deserve

 

You mean the thoughts of him forming relationships with other women?

[lostlove76]

Now you're backsliding again

 

No no, I'm not, I promise. I was trying to explain that while I don't actually believe that he's going to do what I want him to (which is progress), the wish for it is still there. Does that make sense? I guess it's kind of like wishing you would win the lottery, and fantasizing about what you'd do with the money. So you keep playing tickets and checking to see if you've won. You know it ain't gonna happen, but you still wish that it would.

[reinventmyself]

You mean the thoughts of him forming relationships with other women?

 

Yes!! That and all of his motivations behind his actions or words . . or whatever. .fill in the blank.

 

Unless you have magical powers you haven't shared with us, there is no way you can know what he's thinking, feeling and what he will do.

But you'll sure as heck have a death grip on trying to figure it out.

 

Forecasting and mindreading is just another means you use to stay attached. . indirectly

You trade in not picking up the phone to reading his mind and determining that you know for certain what he's doing right now.

 

What he does from this moment on is absolutely none of your business. Make it so!

 

As much as yours is none of his . . though he's already proven to not be terribly concerned.

[boltnrun]

No no, I'm not, I promise. I was trying to explain that while I don't actually believe that he's going to do what I want him to (which is progress), the wish for it is still there. Does that make sense? I guess it's kind of like wishing you would win the lottery, and fantasizing about what you'd do with the money. So you keep playing tickets and checking to see if you've won. You know it ain't gonna happen, but you still wish that it would.

 

But I don't think most people sit in front of their computers all day long with the lottery site up, checking the numbers over and over, hoping there's some sign that they actually did win.

 

And if they did, I'd recommend professional help.

 

I've said it before, but how long it takes you to pull out of this is entirely in your hands. You can CHOOSE torture and misery, or you can CHOOSE to take steps to get better.

[notalady]

Thank you.

 

But what if this girl doesn't tolerate all of that, and he knows that she has more self-worth than to put up with it. THEN will he be a better guy??? Or what if she's just as much of a free spirit as he is, and doesn't want that much closeness either. Then, since he doesn't feel pressured, will he then treat her "normally"?

 

Good question, because as someone who doesn't tolerate all that, I can tell you that women with more self worth will walk away from a man that pulls this kind of crap on them. He might have an "epiphany" and promise the world about how he will change, how he IS changing, maybe he will say or do anything to make her stay (actually I'm sure he will do these things, because he's been rejected and he's safe to pursue because no commitment is required from him at this point), much like my ex did, but she knows better than to buy into that crap. She knows she deserves someone who treats her well CONSISTENTLY and doesn't need to change because that's just who they are already.

 

People don't change who they are for the sake of others, if they do, it's only temporary and they'll revert back to who they really are when they get comfortable (eg when he knows he's got her, he'll start behaving the same again). "Love" is not some ever so powerful thing that turns someone into a completely different person.

 

Only possibility for true change, is if it comes from within, when they realise something is really wrong with them and that they must do something about it! And to stick to it which is hard. You know first hand how painful that is and how hard it is to even start.

 

This is why it's so important to find someone you want to be with and CAN be with JUST THE WAY THEY ARE with no change required.

 

ETA: if he meets a girl just like him, they are just as problematic as each other, that relationship will never be normal, two wrongs don't make a right.

[lostlove76]

Thanks for answering my questions 😊 I've run out of things to say at the moment, still just processing it all. But wanted to say I read the posts and appreciate them.

[boltnrun]

No worries, I think it's a great idea to reflect on what's happened and what the next step should be. And remember, you don't have to take that next step immediately, but you probably do want to do something to stop causing yourself pain sooner rather than later.

[lostlove76]

Yeah, I'm going to have to do something at some point. I can't stay in this dark cloud forever. I have to house-sit in a week, for a week, and I'm dreading it because it's just not comfortable being in someone else's home ya know. But I'm going to have to take some things with me to keep me occupied, whereas here at home I can just mope around and be comfy on my bed or sitting outside, and talk to my parents, and watch my recorded shows. I won't have any of that over there, so I'll have to take some books and such. POINT BEING that I'll have to fill my time with something besides moping. I don't even know if I can get my mind on anything else long enough to read a book (which I used to love doing).

[boltnrun]

How about taking the dating site off your bookmarks and deleting your browsing history? Oh, and also clear your cookies so your user name and password don't automatically populate. That way if you try to watch his dating site activity you'd actually have to search for the site and enter your login information, which would give you time to stop yourself.

 

Also, bring a book to the house you're sitting at, something you used to really want to read. You may find yourself becoming interested even if you think you won't.

[lostlove76]

How about taking the dating site off your bookmarks and deleting your browsing history? Oh, and also clear your cookies so your user name and password don't automatically populate. That way if you try to watch his dating site activity you'd actually have to search for the site and enter your login information, which would give you time to stop yourself.

 

Also, bring a book to the house you're sitting at, something you used to really want to read. You may find yourself becoming interested even if you think you won't.

 

That's a really good idea, and maybe I will soon (ugh sorry, I know!). Right now I'm wishing that he WOULD get on, because him not getting on for the past several days makes me feel like he surely has found someone to focus on, whoever that may be. Was probably with her last night since he didn't call and didn't get on. I'll think about stopping looking.

 

I have soooooo many books that I own and have wanted to read. I really want to read them, just hope I can get my mind involved with a book and give myself "permission" not to think about him for a while.