The Ups and Downs of Loving a Commitment-Phobe

[lostlove76]

I'll catch up on posts in a few. Things just keep getting worse and worse though. I was about 10 minutes from leaving to go to work, and now I can't go because my period has gotten super heavy. So I had to text the guy I work for, at the very last minute, and ask if it's okay if I come in a day or two instead because I have female problems. I didn't know what else to say. I didn't want him to think I'm just a flake. I've already put off going in a time or two recently for other reasons. He hasn't replied yet. But I CAN'T go, because it's outside, and I have to go to the bathroom every half hour. I had just told him less than two hours ago that I was coming. How bad is this? I don't think it's any big deal to go in a day or two, but it looks bad because of the other times I haven't gone in. And then to tell a guy that you have female problems? My mom suggested that and I didn't know what else to say.

 

I just want to crawl in a hole

[lostlove76]

Well the guy at work said that's totally fine, so that's one less worry! Now back to the main issue.

 

Thank you all for sharing your similar experiences. It makes me feel less "crazy" for having made this guy my entire world. It helps to know that you guys understand and that you don't judge me for it. And I'm glad that most of you have come out the other side and are doing better in your lives and relationships. Like you said browneyedgirl, I'm still in the early stages, even though this has been going on for a long long time. It doesn't feel like it right now at all, but I do believe that I'll one day get over it, since you all did. And I've gotten over past relationships and reached the point of caring nothing at all for them.

 

I never did send that text. He hasn't tried to call since we talked night before last. It will be Sunday before he tries again, if at all. Even though I said I've lost all hope, I guess that's only 99% true. I still wish he would just CARE in some way.

 

I'm running out of anything new to say. Just wanted to write a little, because I'm feeling pretty empty. I don't think I'm ready yet to delve into why I feel I don't deserve better. It's a hard question to answer, because I guess I've always been this way. I've always accepted the bare minimum in relationships, and I didn't stay interested for long in the few guys who were actually decent to me. I don't think I lost interest because they were decent - I think I just didn't happen to feel much of a connection with them in any lasting way.

 

I deeply loved this guy. It's hard for me to use present tense and say I still love him at this moment in time, after everything that's happened. He said on the phone the other night that he's in love with me, and it really meant absolutely nothing to me. I believe that he did before, but I don't believe that he does anymore. If he did, he wouldn't be all over the dating site and connecting with this new girl. I miss what we had before.

[LAYAAN]

He's been telling you he wanted the same all along, right?

What would he need to say that would make you think otherwise?

 

So every time he calls, and you know he will - you'll wonder if he's agreed to your terms.

But he always has agreed to your terms, correct?

 

You'll engage him again and again and continue the same dance that goes absolutely no where.

Bingo! Thanks for writing this! This is what exactly happened with me.

Everytime he called, I thought "Since I told him I want X, Y, Z he must have called because he agrees to provide at least something of that. Today, he will take the relationship one step ahead." and then again, it was nothing. I really got tired and exhausted of expecting him to step up and his dancing around.

[lostlove76]

I think I used to feel like that. I thought, surely he wouldn't call if he didn't want *everything*, knowing that I've always said it's all or nothing. But the last 3 phone conversations completely zapped that delusion. He KNOWS I won't talk to him if he's talking to other girls. I've always made a super huge deal about it. Yet what does he do? He tells me about what's-her-face like it should be no big deal. Seems completely unaware of how much it hurts me. Which makes it hurt even worse - that he simply does not care.

[lostlove76]

One of his favorite sayings is "Why doesn't it matter?" "It doesn't matter." "Who gives a $h*t?" He's said this about the dating site, and I think he said it about the girl, although I was so mad and upset that I was barely listening to him. He seems to think there is noooooo problem with seeing and talking to multiple girls all at the same time. I do think he tried to be exclusive with me for periods of time, but couldn't sustain it for whatever reason. I guess long-term monogamy is simply not in his nature.

 

Makes me so angry.

[LAYAAN]

Love your post - browneyedgirl36. Thanks!

[lostlove76]

This article just popped up in my newsfeed. Most of us here are already aware of the signs, but it's a good list, so I'm sharing. Clink link for full article.

 

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12 Signs of Unavailable People

 

1. They are married or in a relationship with someone else.

2. They can’t commit to you or have feared commitment in past relationships.

3. They have one foot on the gas pedal, one foot on the brake.

4. They are emotionally distant, shut down, or can’t deal with conflict.

5. They’re mainly interested in sex, not relating emotionally or spiritually.

6. They are practicing alcoholics, sex addicts, or substance abusers.

7. They prefer long distance relationships, emails, texting, or don’t introduce you to their friends and family.

8. They are elusive, sneaky, frequently working or tired, and may disappear for periods.

9. They are seductive with you but make empty promises—their behavior and words don’t match.

10. They send mixed messages, flirt with others, or don’t give a straight answer—you’re always trying to “de-code” what they really mean.

11. They’re narcissistic, only consider themselves, not your needs.

12. They throw you emotional crumbs or enticing hints of their potential to be loving, then withdraw.

 

My guy = Numbers 2, 3, 4 (at times), 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12.

Number 1 would also be true if I had allowed him to remain in a relationship with me while seeing others.

So almost the entire list.

[browneyedgirl36]

Yep -- this list is spot on (though I could add a few things, based on my past experiences!)

 

My ex exhibited #2, #3, #4, #5, #6 (formerly -- he had a cocaine habit when he was in his 20's, apparently, and though he's not an alcoholic, he did, on occasion, drink WAY too much and would be angry/morose/depressed/some combination thereof when he drank too much); #7, #8 (not frequently working or tired, but frequently going on trips and definitely disappearing for periods); #9, most definitely, #10, most definitely, #11 -- YES!, #12 -- ALL THE TIME.

 

I think he was even #1 -- juggling me and his previous ex for a bit (they were on-off for years, with her leaving him three different times). So, yeah. ALL OF THESE.

 

I think it's good that you're taking this inventory. Now, what to do with that information?

 

I know you say you don't want to answer the "Why do I think I don't deserve better?" question, but it's crucial to you being able to get past this and move forward. I had to do it, and when I finally came to the answers (emotionally distant father, bullying by my peers throughout most of my childhood, both leading to chronic low self-esteem and self-image issues, extreme desire for validation from an emotionally distant/difficult man, along with major people-pleasing tendencies with an underlying belief that I wasn't and would never be "good enough"). I TOLD myself I deserved better, but I didn't really believe it. Once I started to really believe it, a huge shift took place in my thinking and in my life. My ex had consumed my thoughts for nearly six years, and a good chunk of that time we weren't even really involved! I can't even begin to describe how much lighter, calmer, and freer I feel without him and all of his crap weighing me down. I like to joke that I "lost 200 pounds almost overnight" and it's true!

 

Just about every person on this site has been where you are now, and just about every one of us has gotten over the person we thought we would love "forever" and moved on to bigger and better things and a better life. I can think of only a couple of exceptions, one being a woman who used to post here years ago (her last post was about 2 or 3 years ago now), who had been hung up on the same guy -- a truly awful person -- for YEARS. No matter what he did to her -- even throwing her out of his house mostly naked (!) she couldn't muster the internal resources to rid herself of him, and even when he wasn't really in her life anymore, she would post about how they were "soulmates" and "twin flames" (I don't buy into these concepts, so thankfully I never got caught up in that line of thinking with my ex) and was just....pining away for this awful guy. She got extremely defensive with those of us who tried to help, and I just stopped responding (even I, who was still caught up with my ex at that time, realized how bad her situation was). I just don't want to see you end up like this. I'm reasonably certain you won't -- you are coming to some really great realizations about some really important things. Keep heading in that direction. I KNOW, from personal experience AND from being on this site for nearly 10 years (!) that these things aren't forever, if you're willing to do the work to get past them.

[lostlove76]

Can I ask you, though, how you finally started to believe that you're worth more? Because I'm like you were - I can tell myself that I deserve better, and I can agree with other people when they tell me I do, but I must not really believe it. I've been through so many noncommital men in my life that I almost feel like a true commitment is too much to ask for. I think I feel deep-down like something is wrong with me for even wanting it! I've had a lot of very short-term things with guys, and I always got hooked right away and wanted the full relationship right off the bat, and this pushed them away. So maybe that's where this feeling comes from, of feeling it's "wrong" to expect or want commitment. The last thing in the world I want to be seen as is "clingy" because I was that way in the past. I feel weak and unworthy when they won't fully commit. This guy is the longest I've ever been with anyone, even with it being on/off. I was thrilled and relieved when he agreed to exclusivity for the six months before he moved, and even more so when he started calling me his girl and not shying away at "relationship" terms. Then during the 5-month long distance period that just ended, I hounded it into him over and over again that I wouldn't even talk to him unless we were completely exclusive and it was an actual boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, and he always agreed to it. So I was once again thrilled and surprised. I think I always felt like he was giving me some sort of gift, if that makes sense. Like I didn't really deserve it. And I was always on edge that he would just suddenly yank it away, and well, he kind of did since he's now met this new girl.

 

I feel like men hold all the power in relationships, and commitment is completely up to them, and as a woman you're lucky if you get it but it's par for the course if you don't. And when I talk about commitment, I mean everything that comes with a relationship - that they're invested in you and only you, won't turn their attentions to other girls, etc. Which is just the basics. I don't think I even begin to expect full loyalty and plans for a future and the intertwining of lives and considering each other in life decisions, and all those things that other people seem to get in relationships.

[lostlove76]

I see that I just contradicted myself in that last paragraph. I said when I talk about commitment I mean everything that comes with a relationship. And then I said I just expect the basics. I think the latter is more accurate of what I expected from him - just the basics. I felt that the rest was way too out of reach and too much to even hope or ask for. And it took a loooong time to even demand just the basics. In the beginning, I accepted anything from him. Until I went through his phone and saw he was seeing others, and I walked away. When he came back three weeks later, I finally had the courage to demand more. And I was shocked when he agreed to it.

[boltnrun]

It isn't commitment that's unreachable...it's just unreachable with the men you're choosing.

 

You see TONS of red flags, but you want that "commitment" so badly that you willfully ignore the red flags. Again, "hoping" that somehow, an inappropriate man will give you what you want. And yes, an addict who admits to being a womanizer, who chose to move hours away, who lies and makes promises he has no intention of keeping (deliberately misleading you, and no, he doesn't mean them when he says them, he just knows what buttons to push with you), and who thinks it's no big deal to pursue and kiss other women while purporting to be "exclusive" with you is an inappropriate man. And there WERE red flags, but you stuck your head in the sand and hoped that a man with an extensive history of cheating and being unwilling to commit to someone would somehow love you enough to "change". But he won't, because he doesn't want to.

 

Like the old saying, you can't get blood from a turnip. And you can't get a man who does not want to be exclusive and committed to commit to you. You just can't. It doesn't matter that he was wonderful to you for a few months. Anyone can do that, it's called the "honeymoon period". My ex was wonderful for many months too. But when the shine wears off, they go right back to what they like to do. And you can either go along for the awful ride, or you can choose to stop hurting yourself by refusing to stay and accept his poor behavior.

 

And yeah, maybe you did demand more and he did "agree" to it. But what did he do? He moved hours away and commenced with going on dating sites and pursuing and kissing other women. So how is that "agreeing"? Oh yeah, he did what he seems to do well...tell you what you want to hear while doing what HE wants to do. And where does that leave you?

 

It seems to me that with your latest posts, the rose colored glasses are losing their tint. Maybe they're only a tiny bit pink now. You're seeing that the wonderful man doesn't really exist, and who he is now is the real him. And you're maybe realizing that you can hope all you want, but he just isn't willing to be who you need a relationship partner to be.

[lostlove76]

It seems to me that with your latest posts, the rose colored glasses are losing their tint. Maybe they're only a tiny bit pink now. You're seeing that the wonderful man doesn't really exist, and who he is now is the real him. And you're maybe realizing that you can hope all you want, but he just isn't willing to be who you need a relationship partner to be.

 

Yeah, I think you're right. I think I'm finally accepting it, as much as it hurts.

 

Do you think he's going to commit to this new chick? I just have this fear of him giving her everything he wouldn't give me. All because she's hot and unique and interesting and exciting. From everything you said in the above post, it would seem that he'll just do the same to her as he did to me and all the others. But I still have this fear of it happening! It's just KILLING me thinking of them together. I can't un-know that he met her. I already know it, it's already in my head, and it hurts. And he just told me like it's no big deal at all. His lack of empathy is astounding.

[notalady]

I see that I just contradicted myself in that last paragraph. I said when I talk about commitment I mean everything that comes with a relationship. And then I said I just expect the basics.

 

But those ARE the basics!!!! You're too afraid to even acknowledge that is the case even though you know so. What you accepted, when things were good, was only some of the basics, not all.

 

I think it's great you are thinking about why you accept breadcrumbs and don't think you are worth more. The first step of solving the problem is to recognise what the problem is and the more you are conscious of it and spend time learning about it, the more likely you are to change it.

 

Men don't hold all the power when it comes to commitment. Relationship is an equal partnership where BOTH people agree to certain terms of the relationship. Think of it like a business contract. Neither party hold more power than the other, if one party won't agree to the basic terms of the contract laid out by the other party and offers something way less, the other party has the power to NOT accept these terms and walk away. That's all this is. If one person is incapable of or refuse to provide what the other person is looking for (in this case full commitment), the other person has the power to walk away and seek it elsewhere. You have to recognise that walking away is where your power lies, that is saying, I refuse to accept your terms.

[browneyedgirl36]

I see that I just contradicted myself in that last paragraph. I said when I talk about commitment I mean everything that comes with a relationship. And then I said I just expect the basics. I think the latter is more accurate of what I expected from him - just the basics. I felt that the rest was way too out of reach and too much to even hope or ask for. And it took a loooong time to even demand just the basics. In the beginning, I accepted anything from him. Until I went through his phone and saw he was seeing others, and I walked away. When he came back three weeks later, I finally had the courage to demand more. And I was shocked when he agreed to it.

 

I was convinced -- by my ex -- that wanting a commitment was unreasonable, that I had "too many expectations." I always KNEW what I wanted, and I knew that it wasn't unreasonable, but he DID have me doubting myself. Now that I am in a really healthy relationship, I realize it is perfectly normal to have expectations -- that some expectations are definitely reasonable -- and that wanting commitment is NOT at all unreasonable. It just was unreasonable to my ex -- and to yours.

[browneyedgirl36]

I was convinced -- by my ex -- that wanting a commitment was unreasonable, that I had "too many expectations." I always KNEW what I wanted, and I knew that it wasn't unreasonable, but he DID have me doubting myself. Now that I am in a really healthy relationship, I realize it is perfectly normal to have expectations -- that some expectations are definitely reasonable -- and that wanting commitment is NOT at all unreasonable. It just was unreasonable to my ex -- and to yours.

 

Edited to add: Mine "agreed" to a commitment too -- for a short time. It wasn't long before he was back to his old song and dance about not wanting to commit, though.

[browneyedgirl36]

Yeah, I think you're right. I think I'm finally accepting it, as much as it hurts.

 

Do you think he's going to commit to this new chick? I just have this fear of him giving her everything he wouldn't give me. All because she's hot and unique and interesting and exciting. From everything you said in the above post, it would seem that he'll just do the same to her as he did to me and all the others. But I still have this fear of it happening! It's just KILLING me thinking of them together. I can't un-know that he met her. I already know it, it's already in my head, and it hurts. And he just told me like it's no big deal at all. His lack of empathy is astounding.

 

This fear is ENTIRELY normal. I had the same one. Mine committed to someone else -- his previous ex -- until it was over again (it took about 18 months). Then, after he and I were on -- then off -- again, he committed to at least two others, neither of whom worked out. Last I heard (through the work grapevine) he had another one, and she was living with him at least part of the time, but they were having problems. So....yeah....he's "committed" to at least three women since me, but....it hasn't worked out too well. It may, for awhile, but eventually, who he really is will come out. One big relief for me was when I no longer cared that he had another girlfriend, and I found myself chuckling and saying, "Good luck with that! That poor girl will need it!"

[boltnrun]

Yeah, I think you're right. I think I'm finally accepting it, as much as it hurts.

 

Do you think he's going to commit to this new chick? I just have this fear of him giving her everything he wouldn't give me. All because she's hot and unique and interesting and exciting. From everything you said in the above post, it would seem that he'll just do the same to her as he did to me and all the others. But I still have this fear of it happening! It's just KILLING me thinking of them together. I can't un-know that he met her. I already know it, it's already in my head, and it hurts. And he just told me like it's no big deal at all. His lack of empathy is astounding.

 

First of all, totally irrelevant. What he does or does not do is no reflection on you.

 

Plus, you're really reaching here. You're imagining a lot of this, inventing scenarios. All you know for sure is he's spent time with this woman and kissed her. Shoot, you practically had him married to his new female coworker, remember???

 

That being said, since his history shows he is unwilling to tie himself down to one woman, it's unlikely he'll do it for anyone.

 

Are you hoping it doesn't work out with her and he'll come running back to you?

 

Remember, even if he does, he still won't commit to you. He'd be coming back ONLY because it didn't work out with her. Want to be his second choice, his fall back woman? Didn't think so.

 

And yes, it's no big deal TO HIM. Because he knows no matter what he'll still have you to drunk dial. After all, you talked to him for what, three hours the other night? He lost nothing as far as he knows.

 

So it's time to decide what YOU want. Hang on and keep "hoping"? Or do the hard work of finding the self-esteem and self-worth that's hiding inside you somewhere?

[lostlove76]

But those ARE the basics!!!! You're too afraid to even acknowledge that is the case even though you know so. What you accepted, when things were good, was only some of the basics, not all.

So true. I really don't know why I'm afraid to ask for more, or expect more, than the bare minimum. Maybe because I just wanted to be with him so badly that I was willing to let a lot slide.

 

Men don't hold all the power when it comes to commitment. Relationship is an equal partnership where BOTH people agree to certain terms of the relationship. Think of it like a business contract. Neither party hold more power than the other, if one party won't agree to the basic terms of the contract laid out by the other party and offers something way less, the other party has the power to NOT accept these terms and walk away. That's all this is. If one person is incapable of or refuse to provide what the other person is looking for (in this case full commitment), the other person has the power to walk away and seek it elsewhere. You have to recognise that walking away is where your power lies, that is saying, I refuse to accept your terms.

This is a great explanation. But just to be clear, about the power of walking away -- you mean that you have to walk away and stay gone, right? It can't be used for leverage, and they'll change when you threaten to walk away? That's such a tough one for me, because walking away means losing them entirely.

[lostlove76]

This fear is ENTIRELY normal. I had the same one. Mine committed to someone else -- his previous ex -- until it was over again (it took about 18 months). Then, after he and I were on -- then off -- again, he committed to at least two others, neither of whom worked out. Last I heard (through the work grapevine) he had another one, and she was living with him at least part of the time, but they were having problems. So....yeah....he's "committed" to at least three women since me, but....it hasn't worked out too well. It may, for awhile, but eventually, who he really is will come out. One big relief for me was when I no longer cared that he had another girlfriend, and I found myself chuckling and saying, "Good luck with that! That poor girl will need it!"

 

Even the "a while" scares me. Even if he's with her for a couple of months, acting committed, it's going to tear me apart to know that she's getting from him what I'm no longer getting. She's getting the best of him, even if it's only for a couple months (or god forbid 18 months). But it helps to see, from your example, that maybe it still won't work out long-term. I hope to also get to the point when I no longer care, but I can't see that happening any time soon.

[boltnrun]

So true. I really don't know why I'm afraid to ask for more, or expect more, than the bare minimum. Maybe because I just wanted to be with him so badly that I was willing to let a lot slide.

 

 

This is a great explanation. But just to be clear, about the power of walking away -- you mean that you have to walk away and stay gone, right? It can't be used for leverage, and they'll change when you threaten to walk away? That's such a tough one for me, because walking away means losing them entirely.

 

But what are you "losing"? Drunken phone calls during which he makes promises he never keeps, tells you about other women he's pursuing and kissing but says it's no big deal, and proposes marriage but does nothing to actually plan an engagement or wedding? "Losing" a man you haven't laid eyes on since October of last year? "Losing" having to keep the dating site and Facebook constantly open on your computer so you can monitor him for signs that he's pursuing and seeing other women?

 

Honey, you "lost" him when he chose to move away and did absolutely nothing to try to have you two be physically together, despite multiple promises to do so.

 

And your "leverage"...what has he changed since your ultimatum? Oh yeah, he increased his dating site activity, posted suggestive comments on at least one other woman's Facebook page, and added a woman you know he's kissed (while allegedly exclusive with you) as a Facebook friend. Those were his "changes".

 

I just don't see what you're losing other than the illusion that things are the way they were 8 months ago, when all the evidence shows YOU are still committed but he is not.

[notalady]

So true. I really don't know why I'm afraid to ask for more, or expect more, than the bare minimum. Maybe because I just wanted to be with him so badly that I was willing to let a lot slide.

 

 

This is a great explanation. But just to be clear, about the power of walking away -- you mean that you have to walk away and stay gone, right? It can't be used for leverage, and they'll change when you threaten to walk away? That's such a tough one for me, because walking away means losing them entirely.

 

Yes I mean walk away and stay gone. I meant you have the power to choose what you will and won't accept, and choose not to play by anyone else's terms if it doesn't work for you. Not accepting means walking away from it. It's a simple case of keeping your words and do what you say. If you say you're going to leave but don't or that you do leave but then go back, it simply means that your words mean nothing but empty threats and not to be taken seriously, and that's been the case for a long time, but this time, you are sticking to your own words and that's good.

[lostlove76]

First of all, totally irrelevant. What he does or does not do is no reflection on you.

It just FEELS like it's a reflection on me. She's hotter, more exciting, more this, less that. And she's down there and I'm not.

 

Plus, you're really reaching here. You're imagining a lot of this, inventing scenarios. All you know for sure is he's spent time with this woman and kissed her. Shoot, you practically had him married to his new female coworker, remember???

YES, you're right!!!! And I've done this with several other women, too, come up with these scenarios and become convinced that he's in love and they're together. I was soooooo worried about that coworker. I guess nothing ever came of it, because he never really mentioned her again. There was another girl, a neighbor of his, that he mentioned a couple times a few months ago. And I was sooooo convinced they were going to be together. He felt sorry for her because she had a miscarriage (just like he feels sorry for this girl because she's "dying"). But he told me that girl was just a friend and he wasn't really even attracted to her, even though she wanted to sleep with him (he said), but this current girl he says is hot. Turns out that neighbor girl had a boyfriend who he failed to mention, and later got married to the guy. So nothing came of that one either. I'm hoping current girl will just go back to her husband already.

 

That being said, since his history shows he is unwilling to tie himself down to one woman, it's unlikely he'll do it for anyone.

Except in the beginning, while he's infatuated with her.

 

Are you hoping it doesn't work out with her and he'll come running back to you?

Sadly, yes Pathetic, I know.

 

Remember, even if he does, he still won't commit to you. He'd be coming back ONLY because it didn't work out with her. Want to be his second choice, his fall back woman? Didn't think so.

No I don't, and I hope I would be strong enough to tell him no. It would still feel good for him to try, though.

 

And yes, it's no big deal TO HIM. Because he knows no matter what he'll still have you to drunk dial. After all, you talked to him for what, three hours the other night? He lost nothing as far as he knows.

I was wondering about that. I did answer, after two straight weeks of him trying and me giving him complete and total silence. Then when I did answer, I wasn't nice at all. I didn't give in like I used to. I was just upset and mad the entire convo, and then I hung up on him and he called back twice and I didn't answer. So I don't know if he feels he's still got me or not? I won't know, and he won't know, unless and until he tries to call again. Which he might not, seeing as how I kept calling this poor sad dying girl "trashy" and he had to ask me to stop. Tomorrow night would be the next time he'd try to call, so we shall see.

 

ETA: I'll be right back, gotta eat dinner.

[lostlove76]

But what are you "losing"? Drunken phone calls during which he makes promises he never keeps, tells you about other women he's pursuing and kissing but says it's no big deal, and proposes marriage but does nothing to actually plan an engagement or wedding? "Losing" a man you haven't laid eyes on since October of last year? "Losing" having to keep the dating site and Facebook constantly open on your computer so you can monitor him for signs that he's pursuing and seeing other women?

 

Honey, you "lost" him when he chose to move away and did absolutely nothing to try to have you two be physically together, despite multiple promises to do so.

 

And your "leverage"...what has he changed since your ultimatum? Oh yeah, he increased his dating site activity, posted suggestive comments on at least one other woman's Facebook page, and added a woman you know he's kissed (while allegedly exclusive with you) as a Facebook friend. Those were his "changes".

 

I just don't see what you're losing other than the illusion that things are the way they were 8 months ago, when all the evidence shows YOU are still committed but he is not.

 

You're right, everything you said. Especially your last sentence. I just miss how things used to be so much. The way things were before he moved, and even the phone stuff for those 5 months when he had me believing that we would be together again and that we had this special love and bond that couldn't be matched. I would give just about anything to have back what we had before he moved. It felt like a nightmare when he left, even though he'd been warning me for a year and a half that he was one day going to leave. It still feels like a nightmare.

[lostlove76]

Yes I mean walk away and stay gone. I meant you have the power to choose what you will and won't accept, and choose not to play by anyone else's terms if it doesn't work for you. Not accepting means walking away from it. It's a simple case of keeping your words and do what you say. If you say you're going to leave but don't or that you do leave but then go back, it simply means that your words mean nothing but empty threats and not to be taken seriously, and that's been the case for a long time, but this time, you are sticking to your own words and that's good.

 

I felt like I was sticking to it before I answered the phone the other night. Does he think I've gone back on my word/ultimatum now that I talked to him, even though I was mad and upset and didn't give in at all? I don't even know what he thinks at this point. I think I answered because I was afraid he was going to soon stop trying. And I wanted to hear in his voice how he felt and what he wanted. He just didn't even take it seriously though. I hung up on him midway through the call and then called back to fuss at him some more, and when he answered he said "domino's, pick up or delivery?" like he always said before when things were good with us and one of our signals dropped and I called him back. He just didn't have a care in the world! Everything was all hunky dory to him. Didn't even phase him to be yelled at.

[notalady]

I felt like I was sticking to it before I answered the phone the other night. Does he think I've gone back on my word/ultimatum now that I talked to him, even though I was mad and upset and didn't give in at all? I don't even know what he thinks at this point. I think I answered because I was afraid he was going to soon stop trying. And I wanted to hear in his voice how he felt and what he wanted. He just didn't even take it seriously though. I hung up on him midway through the call and then called back to fuss at him some more, and when he answered he said "domino's, pick up or delivery?" like he always said before when things were good with us and one of our signals dropped and I called him back. He just didn't have a care in the world! Everything was all hunky dory to him. Didn't even phase him to be yelled at.

 

It doesn't matter what he thinks about you answering the phone (well other than he probably thinks if he keeps calling you'll answer eventually). When I say stick to your words and do what you say, it's for your own benefits, nothing to do with what that makes him think.

 

But either way you have seen the results of not sticking to your words. He doesn't take what you say seriously. Fussing at someone is more than pointless, repeat something enough and people will learn to ignore it completely.

 

Plus he was probably in drunk-and-without-a-care-in-the-world state anyway.