The Ups and Downs of Loving a Commitment-Phobe

[Silverbirch]

That sounds good, but I'm wondering if I should wait until tomorrow when I can think more clearly. You think it would be okay to send it tomorrow? I just have this deep urge to let him know what all he's done and how it's affected me.

 

 

That would give him narcissistic supply and be toxic to you.

[lostlove76]

I'm thinking now that I won't send any text at all. I'll just go back to not answering the phone. He'll quit calling eventually. It does make me feel a bit of satisfaction to ignore. I think last night I answered because I was drinking, and also because I had been feeling like I needed to ask him why he keeps calling and see where his head was at. He said "because I miss you" btw. But now that I've heard it, and heard him say what I wanted to hear (in love with me) I don't have any reason to answer again.

 

RN, I hope this thing with her will be the same as your stories. But he was very relationshippy with me in the beginning, and the 6 months before he moved. So there's no telling what will happen. She may be perfect for him. She may not need or ask for much.

[notalady]

Yes, he's quite horrible in that regard. He told me he wouldn't cheat on me, would never hurt me. He sounded like he meant it. When I was saying something about the other girl last nigh he said "But you're not here. It would be different if you were here." And I said you won't let me be there, and he said he's coming to get me. Blah blah same ole. But that's his excuse - that I'm not there.

 

Wow that's his excuse? That you're not there? That's just pathetic. I don't know how you still aren't disgusted with this guy and never want anything to do with him again.

[lostlove76]

Wow that's his excuse? That you're not there? That's just pathetic. I don't know how you still aren't disgusted with this guy and never want anything to do with him again.

 

I know, right?

I guess I just spent so long loving him and believing in him and seeing the good in him. It's hard to get past that. That's the part of him that I love and miss.

[Realitynut]

Ok...get that damn book. I just got it today. Read page 155. He likes fast forwarding...you dine off Illusion.

 

A few sentences:

If someone doesn't see themselves as they really are, there's very little that you can do because even rubbing their face in it won't connect some of the disconnected. But YOU are on the receiving end of their actions. You're the one who feels the pain, the humiliations, the abandonment, the deceit, the confusion, the ambiguity, the contradiction, the anger, the sadness, and so much more, and yet you deny it.

 

Ring a bell?

 

When you live in DENIAL, you basically find the truth unacceptable so you work very hard to shut it out, because to acknowledge it would pierce the very carefully constructed illusions that you have about him and the relationship.

 

Part of this problem of not seeing the reality of your relationships is that you get caught up in chasing a feeling, and trying to extract things from him that are missing in yourself. You want him to have faith in you and see your potential and so you have faith and see potential in him in the hope that he'll reciprocate--the potential you see isn't realistic and the faith is misplaced.

 

NOT WANTING TO LET GO:

Even if it's the most toxic thing to continue feeling as you do, or being involved with someone, you continue, because even when there's nothing, or it's crap, you hold on tight because you still think it's SOMETHING.

 

LOVING AND TRUSTING BLINDLY:

Even when you receive information via their actions and words that should change your feelings or your trust levels, or even what you envision the relationship to be, you proceed blindly so you end up in a false relationship.

 

In his world, his behavior is fine and even if it's not, he's OK with it, and even if he's not OK with it, he has no real burning desire to change, because he doesn't match his actions with his words. From the moment you're willing to accept his crumb-filled contribution, he registers that you can't think too highly of yourelf if you have so much faith in him. He may even think you're deluded.

In your world, you want the fantasy so much that you don't want the reality, which is why he ca not only get away with the likes of Future Faking but why, even in the face of experiencing these thing and not experiencing a reality that reflects their promises, you still hold tight and demand your fantasy.

 

This is just part of 4 pages.

 

Does any of this sound like what we've been telling you? Can you relate to any of this? That's part of 4 pages out of 450 pages. I'm sure SOME of this book could open your eyes and make you realize he IS NEVER going to wake up and be the man he use to be...and the man you want.

 

Just as Tom will never be the man he was at the beginning.

 

They drew us in. Yes. They DO love as...as much as they can love. But it's such a crumb....and don't we want the LOAF???

 

I know at 61, that my chances are slim to none to find another man. But I have to be free from Tom....and deal with my own issues of rejection and abandonment, and why I have accepted alcoholics in my life (first guy I lived with for 3 years in my early 20's) Physical abusers (my husband for 20 years) Nice guy but emotionally shallow and commitment phobe (fiancé 3 years, then strung along almost another year while he had another woman) and the last guy....commitment phobe, emotionally unavailable, and a hair trigger temper.

 

Like they say here....the common denominator in all this is ME!

 

I have very strong Borderline Personality Disorder tendencies, that i'm trying to work on. But it's my personality! sheesh...hard not to be over-reactive...and overly sensitive. Especially when i'm dealing with guys that are way less than ideal.

 

One Disorder feeds off the other. Have you ever thought about your anxieties, and the fact that you live with your parents...you think 'less than' of yourself. And one of the reason's you liked your guy was because he accepted you. He was not judgmental....because HE HAD HIS FLAWS. He was an alcoholic and a womanizer. And a narcissist, by his omission. But you know what I see? I see a guy making excuses for the way he is. Oh...I'm so bad. You should HATE me...cuz....it's not you, it's me....*cries* I'm so rotten, how could you ever love me....waaagh. I'm so lucky to have you, no one has ever loved me like you have.

 

He's using all his 'issues' as an excuse just to not commit to you.

 

And in a nutshell....why? Because way down deep...he just doesn't WANT TOO.

 

Sorry. You HAVE to come to this realization before you are ready to move on.

 

AND....after all these pages, I can tell you are NOT ready to move on. You are hoping that by some miracle, that one morning you are going to wake up, and he will be at your doorstep to take you to his place...and live happily ever after. Like a fairytale.

 

Or....you are hoping by some miracle, that you are going to wake up some morning...and your feelings of hurt, anger, love, longing, etc...has suddenly disappeared.

 

But miracles like this don't happen. How old is this dude??? If he hasn't come to the realization that he wants to be in a relationship with you by now...he never will.

And breaking this addiction from him, will take more than a miracle...it will take hard work on your part. Perseverance. Strength of character. Strong boundaries. Self-worth. Self-esteem, that you deserve better...and will then ATTRACT better.

 

Is any of this sinking in?

 

I know. I've been doing this almost weekly. I KNOW what I should do. I almost thought of blocking him. Not that he won't contact ME...but that I can't contact him. But haven't done it. But my eyes are open....

 

I don't think I could ever take him back...ever again. Even if he DID come to my house with a ring...and a proposal. It almost makes me laugh. He can't even love me for a week.

[Silverbirch]

^^ I relate to all of that.

[ragdoll15]

Ugh. You said you were feeling strong, but then you answered his phone call anyway.

 

Then you go back to simply ignoring instead of blocking, which is what you've always done, which is the one thing that has never worked for you and only resulted in you feeling crappy. Because you always cave.

 

I don't like saying this, but at this point I feel like our best advice won't work for you because you simply don't want to get over him. If you truly wanted to stop this madness you would have blocked him by now.

 

So I think that something really needs to change here. If you have so much faith in his love for you, and if you're holding onto so many fantasies about what could be, then get off your butt and drive over there. Stop doing things halfway. You either commit to quitting him or commit to a "relationship" with him. Since you clearly can't commit to quitting, then stop making excuses and close the gap. All I see at this point is you complaining about getting hurt and doing nothing to END it. If it hurts you so much to see him with another woman then you should block him, block his Facebook, and stop monitoring him. If you want him as much as you do then no amount of anxiety should stop you from going over to see him. If you "love" him as much as you say you do then you won't keep telling him that "it's over" and ignore him for a couple days and answer the phone AGAIN.

 

COMMIT. One way or another. Commit to him or commit to your independence. Either path is better than this limbo of eternal misery that you live in. If you answer his call again, and he tells you he's in love with you and wants to marry you blah blah, I want to see you say, "OK. Then I'm going to drive to YOU this Wednesday. Have a pen ready because I'm bringing marriage license applications."

 

Got it? YOU need to s*** or get off the pot.

[lostlove76]

Realitynut, thank you so much for all of that. I really appreciate it. And yes, it does all ring a bell for sure.

 

Ragdoll, if I really thought he wanted me there, I'm sure I would have gone by now. All my reasons for not being able to get there, while true, we're just excuses to myself because I knew/feared that he didn't really want me to come. I guess I can admit that now. Time to start breaking out of the denial.

 

As for not wanting to get over him, well, you're right. I want the old him back so badly. The one he was before he moved. I don't know HOW not to want that. His words didn't work on me last night at all. I was completely shut off from him. I do feel that I'm now immune to his words, and I very seriously mean that. I don't think there's any danger of being lured back in at this point. So at least I've finally reached that stage. That's some improvement I guess. Now I need to find some way to quit missing the old him and what we had before.

[browneyedgirl36]

Ugh. You said you were feeling strong, but then you answered his phone call anyway.

 

Then you go back to simply ignoring instead of blocking, which is what you've always done, which is the one thing that has never worked for you and only resulted in you feeling crappy. Because you always cave.

 

I don't like saying this, but at this point I feel like our best advice won't work for you because you simply don't want to get over him. If you truly wanted to stop this madness you would have blocked him by now.

 

So I think that something really needs to change here. If you have so much faith in his love for you, and if you're holding onto so many fantasies about what could be, then get off your butt and drive over there. Stop doing things halfway. You either commit to quitting him or commit to a "relationship" with him. Since you clearly can't commit to quitting, then stop making excuses and close the gap. All I see at this point is you complaining about getting hurt and doing nothing to END it. If it hurts you so much to see him with another woman then you should block him, block his Facebook, and stop monitoring him. If you want him as much as you do then no amount of anxiety should stop you from going over to see him. If you "love" him as much as you say you do then you won't keep telling him that "it's over" and ignore him for a couple days and answer the phone AGAIN.

 

COMMIT. One way or another. Commit to him or commit to your independence. Either path is better than this limbo of eternal misery that you live in. If you answer his call again, and he tells you he's in love with you and wants to marry you blah blah, I want to see you say, "OK. Then I'm going to drive to YOU this Wednesday. Have a pen ready because I'm bringing marriage license applications."

 

Got it? YOU need to s*** or get off the pot.

 

I agree with this 100%. I've read the whole thread, and actually, I can identify with some of it, as I spent nearly 5 years of my life in a VERY similar situation -- minus the long distance and the marriage proposals. It was a MISERABLE five years. I walked through life just existing -- going through the motions. I had stopped doing the things I enjoyed. Nothing was fun anymore. I was on edge all the time, wishing he'd call, but then dreading it at the same time, not able to fully concentrate on anything, getting sucked in over and over and over until finally, I had NO choice but to give up because he made it clear he was seeing others. In your case though, it sounds like you're not even willing to give him up, even though he's seeing others, which really makes me cringe; you deserve WAY better than this. You also deserve better than an alcoholic, a guy who repeatedly breaks promises, a guy who, by his own admission, has "narcissistic tendencies." I guess my question to you is this: Why don't you think you deserve better?

 

One thing that really stands out in your posts in this thread is the repeated use of the phrase "he's coming to get me." Read that again: He's coming to get me. To an objective third party not in this relationship, all I see when I read this phrase is you waiting -- waiting passively for him to come for you, to make some grand gesture, to rescue you in a sense. You keep waiting. And waiting. And waiting -- waiting to be "chosen," by him, waiting for him to validate you. This is something you should really consider delving into -- WHY, again, you don't feel you deserve better than endlessly waiting for someone who does nothing but spew a lot of meaningless words not backed by action. How long are you willing to wait?

 

I know this is not what you want to hear, but I can guarantee that this is not going to go the way you want it to. Ultimately, you are not going to end up with this guy. There are so many reasons I can say this with confidence -- too many to list here, but there are many, many of them. At some point, whether it be now or later, you're going to have to come to acceptance of this fact. The longer you prolong all of this, the worse it will be when it finally happens.

 

There are a few of labels in this thread, too -- "narcissist," "commitment-phobe" (a concept I find dubious, at best, but I won't digress onto that) -- that you're putting on this guy, but I think that you would best serve yourself by NOT focusing on him and whatever his issues are, but rather on yourself and why you're choosing to put yourself through this and refusing to let go of something that, ultimately, isn't doing anything for you but making you very anxious and unhappy. I promise you, it's not because of love -- it goes WAY beyond that. Why do you believe that anything, no matter how unsatisfying and unhealthy it is for you, is better than nothing? What will it take for you to let go? And, what are you afraid will happen if you do?

 

Again, I've been through it, and I had to do some major soul-searching (including therapy!) to get to the bottom of why I even gave my ex the time of day to begin with and why I hung on when it was clear that the "relationship" (if you can call it that), was making me a miserable wreck. I had to ask myself some tough questions, and I had to come to some realizations that were equally tough for me. And, I had to make HUGE changes -- in my patterns, in my thinking, AND in my behavior, to get where I am now -- calm, peaceful, and in a relationship that is healthy, stable, and brings joy to my life instead of anxiety, sadness and dread. It can be done, but you have to REALLY want it. You have to put YOU before anything else -- stop thinking of him and put all that energy into yourself instead.

 

Until you're willing to do it, it's just going to be more of the same, and you're going to stay stuck where you are. I couldn't avoid my ex because we worked together, but you can -- you can cut him off and block him. I hope that someday soon you'll realize that he's not worth all of this, and that you'll make choices that are in your own best interests -- NOT connected to him at all.

 

The quote below, in my signature line, sums up the essence of what I'm saying here.

[Realitynut]

Lost...i'm so glad you came to that realization....and I hope we don't seem to harsh. We were doing the 'tough love' because your head was off in La-La land, with hopes and dreams that where NEVER going to happen.

 

Let me know when you find that book...lol...or I'll have to type up more!

 

Like we said too...it's going to get worse before it gets better. Keep thinking of him as a drug.

Each phone call is like a hit! He's called you...you feel good.

 

Then you answer...it feels bad.....and you crash.

 

Then he calls again! You feel happy! He CARES! You ignore...BAD BOY, I'm showing you that you are bad, bad, bad. So I won't answer.

 

He calls again! another hit...I'm feeling so excited! Maybe I'll just see what he wants. Excitement as you answer the phone. Your hands are shaking. (been there, done that)

 

He says he loves you...OHHHHH....Lots of Drug induced highs.

 

He never comes and gets you...again. Empty promises. You crash and burn and start the cycle all over again.

[lostlove76]

Browneyedgirl, thanks so much for your post. Several people have asked me today about my self-worth and why I don't feel that I deserve better. That's a deep question best left for tomorrow, since I haven't felt well today and can't hardly think straight or deal with my emotions (as good a reason as any to quit drinking for a while). But I'll think about it. Honestly, I just feel kind of like an empty shell right now, and maybe that's why I don't feel I deserve better. I don't even feel like a whole person. But I've always had self-esteem issues, and I know it goes beyond that simple explanation.

 

Realitynut mentioned how I said that he accepts me for who I am. And that it's because he has issues too. And maybe that's why I felt such a connection with him. Because we both have similar issues. When we met, and again this past summer before he moved, he was living at his parent's place too (they were out of town traveling, though) and he wasn't working much either. He stayed home most of the time. Stayed up all night. Led a very introverted lifestyle. We were the same. And THAT is the him that I miss. Now he's completely different, with tons of friends and going to the bars every night. I wouldn't even enjoy that lifestyle at all. But I guess I'm going off on a tangent.

[lostlove76]

Lost...i'm so glad you came to that realization....and I hope we don't seem to harsh. We were doing the 'tough love' because your head was off in La-La land, with hopes and dreams that where NEVER going to happen.

 

Let me know when you find that book...lol...or I'll have to type up more!

 

Like we said too...it's going to get worse before it gets better. Keep thinking of him as a drug.

Each phone call is like a hit! He's called you...you feel good.

 

Then you answer...it feels bad.....and you crash.

 

Then he calls again! You feel happy! He CARES! You ignore...BAD BOY, I'm showing you that you are bad, bad, bad. So I won't answer.

 

He calls again! another hit...I'm feeling so excited! Maybe I'll just see what he wants. Excitement as you answer the phone. Your hands are shaking. (been there, done that)

 

He says he loves you...OHHHHH....Lots of Drug induced highs.

 

He never comes and gets you...again. Empty promises. You crash and burn and start the cycle all over again.

 

No, you don't seem too harsh. I know that I need to hear this stuff.

 

You're right, his calls are like drug hits or whatever (not sure the proper term for that!). I really really really hate to say this, but I'm already wishing he would call again so that I could ignore. And get my fix. And show him, by not answering, that he is a jerk. I wish he would call right now so that I could hit end call and he would know that I'm upset with him and not going to talk to him anymore. It sounds so stupid when I say it like that, but that's exactly how it feels, as you already described.

 

Even though I didn't believe him, it felt kind of good to hear him say last night that he's in love with me. I thought that feeling would have vanished for him a long time ago, now that he has someone else and since I quit talking to him.

 

I don't even remember what all I said to him last night. I just went on and on about him hurting me, I think, and about that girl. I get pretty cold and emotional and crying and angry and harsh, and still when I hung up on him, he tried calling back twice. He just doesn't mind my hatefulness at all. Doesn't even phase him. Which is weird, given that he is a person who haaaaates to fight.

[Realitynut]

But you are seeing him in a different light...not going on and on how wonderful he is...but how wonderful he WAS.

 

I don't see how wonderful a guy is, who lives with his parents (and is older), doesn't hardly work, and just sits around and drinks with you all day, is that much of a prize.

 

But are YOU that kind of girl? Stays at home and lives with mom and dad....doesn't hardly work...and would prefer to just sit around and drink and shoot the sh*t with a guy all day?

 

I could see that 'kicking back' on the weekends...but sheesh...every day?

 

Have you lost your motivation? To do anything? Is he your ONLY source of entertainment? Do your parents support you? Have you no other friends? Do you enjoy your job?

 

Yes...You are the reason you are hanging on to this loser....for what purpose? Was it the ONLY thing in your life?

 

You need to go to THERAPY ASAP. Get help with your anxiety. You CAN drive. Decide that you are going to drive, just a bit further every day. Look for parks in your area, and decide some day you are going to go there. Go for a walk. I don't go to bars or big groups of people, but I joined a meetup group. Best thing I ever did. Changed my life.

 

There is a journal on here. Use to be called Life of a Boring Nerd...now changed to Happy Snapper.

 

He was a virgin, living at home with his folks, dead end job. Hopeless.

Few years later, he met a woman. Had sex. Now engaged, and is hardly on ENA at all!

 

Its a very entertaining read. I would suggest reading it just for fun...and GET YOUR MIND OFF OF HIM!

 

Start a NEW life. One that you can drive, be independent, free, happy, capable of attracting LOVE, from a MAN who is independent, free, happy and capable of attracting YOU!

[lostlove76]

He really was the only thing in my life that brought any joy, as horrible as that sounds. Everything else is just blah. I don't enjoy things anymore. It became all about him. I've always been like this - I give EVERYTHING up for a guy. I know how awful this is going to sound, but I'm going to tell you anyway, as an example. I once quit college for a semester, just didn't sign up for classes, so that I would be more available when the guy I was "seeing" called. And he was even worse than this guy. What is my problem that I would do that, ya know? And this was probably 18 years ago, something like that. That's a pretty extreme example, but I've done similar at other times.

 

Being in love is the highest of highs, and nothing at all compares. I know that it's going to be a long looooong time before I'm with anyone else again, so that's part of the reason it's been so hard to let go maybe. But I don't even think that's it. I really just think I want the old him back. I could find someone else. But I don't want anyone else.

[lostlove76]

Ya know what it feels like? It feels like someone died. That's how the grief feels. Or maybe not even died. In a coma. It feels like a loved one is in a coma and I can see them laying there but their old self is unreachable. So I'm just waiting for them to wake up, because I miss them so much. There's a high chance they never will, and yet I can't let go of the hope. Because they're right there, only they're no longer the same. That's what this feels like.

[Realitynut]

I know. (((hugs))) I truly know how you feel. Been there, done that. Didn't quit college, but was giving up my new job (self-employed) kids (youngest in highschool, the other one about 19) leaving everything behind, so I could drive 4 hours to see the bf up in Wisconsin. Of course I thought I was going to MARRY him. But I made him my LIFE.

 

When that ended, (I was planning the wedding, even had the dress and date) I went into a deep depression. Took forever to feel whole again.

 

I wasn't truly happy til 2 1/2 years later, when I had been hanging out with tom for a few months.

 

But at least NOW I have other friends. I'm going kayaking out of town tomorrow for the whole weekend. Would I prefer to be with him? Of course.

 

But he left for out of town to do a 92 mile trip down a river, that we did last year together.

He told me this year I couldn't go.

 

Sucks. Hurts. Empty hole.

 

We invest WAAAY to much into these guys...which is extremely unhealthy.

Would you be able to afford counseling? Because I'm afraid that you won't be happy, unless you're tied to another unhealthy man.

And you need someone to guide you through this mess of a breakup.

 

I went to a counselor for a year after the fiancé' debacle. Not that she did much. I just talked and cried. lol

But I only paid 10 bucks a week...cuz I was poor!

 

Check out all the options.

 

And read that book.

 

Ok...my eyes are really tired. So going to bed.

 

Oh...did I mention that I texted him tonite? I said, Have a safe trip, and have fun.

 

He answered back....and I texted again. We always were good texting buddies. Maybe if I never saw him again...we could always just text! Sorta like you and your phone calls. ugh

 

But damn. It made me feel better! I thought...he doesn't hate me...at least he's talking to me. (after yesterday ignoring me all day...and me going off the deep end)

 

Why do I forget all the horrible things he said sunday...and he not ONCE ever apologized for that.

Or last Friday, when he was yelling at me and calling me names. And cursing.

 

Those are the things I should remember...and I really should block also.

[bellaboo18]

Hey lostlove, I can't send you anymore messages your inbox is full /:

[reinventmyself]

he accepts me for who I am. .

 

But If he really accepted you as you are, he'd be with you right now.

[lostlove76]

But If he really accepted you as you are, he'd be with you right now.

 

I don't think that has anything to do with it though. He said I was perfect for him. I really think this is all a case of him wanting to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to be able to see multiple girls and do whatever he wants. He can't do that if I'm down there.

 

Hugs to you too, Realitynut. I hope you have fun kayaking this weekend

 

I woke up still feeling terribly depressed. Just started my period, so that certainly does not help.

[lostlove76]

I think today I have finally reached the point of all hope lost, and it doesn't feel good. I'm pretty sure the shift was caused from talking to him the other night and really not hearing any sort of care in his voice, and knowing that this other girl is now in the picture. I was really upset the other night on the phone, and he really did not care at all. He wasn't mean, just drunk and without a care in the world. It seems so long ago that we had all the love talk, and feels like it never even existed. I can't quit thinking about him with this other girl. I don't know enough about what's going on, so my mind is filling in the blanks to worst case scenario. I feel so easily replaced, like what we had meant nothing at all to him (and please don't tell me that it never meant anything, because I know that it did, at the time). I wish he hadn't told me about her. If I had met someone, I wouldn't have been heartless enough to tell him about it. He didn't even care that it would hurt me.

 

I really just want to crawl in the bed and cry, but I'm going to work for a couple hours in a little while.

[browneyedgirl36]

I think today I have finally reached the point of all hope lost, and it doesn't feel good. I'm pretty sure the shift was caused from talking to him the other night and really not hearing any sort of care in his voice, and knowing that this other girl is now in the picture. I was really upset the other night on the phone, and he really did not care at all. He wasn't mean, just drunk and without a care in the world. It seems so long ago that we had all the love talk, and feels like it never even existed. I can't quit thinking about him with this other girl. I don't know enough about what's going on, so my mind is filling in the blanks to worst case scenario. I feel so easily replaced, like what we had meant nothing at all to him (and please don't tell me that it never meant anything, because I know that it did, at the time). I wish he hadn't told me about her. If I had met someone, I wouldn't have been heartless enough to tell him about it. He didn't even care that it would hurt me.

 

I really just want to crawl in the bed and cry, but I'm going to work for a couple hours in a little while.

 

I don't think anyone's saying he never cared or that it didn't mean anything. What we ARE saying -- at least what I'm saying -- is that, even if he did care for you (and I'm sure he did, in whatever way he could), it isn't what you need. This doesn't make your feelings any less valid, for sure. I remember in my situation feeling stupid for a long time because my relationship was so lopsided. I finally realized that, just because he didn't/couldn't/wouldn't want the same things I did, that didn't mean that MY feelings weren't real and valid. It also didn't mean that he didn't care -- he just didn't care in the way that I needed him to.

 

I think it's true, though, that if he cared as much as he has claimed to (and remember, it's really easy to SAY anything -- it's the doing that matters!) he WOULD have you move there and be with him (or he'd come back to where you are and be with you). He wouldn't risk letting you get away. He wouldn't want to hurt you. He wouldn't LET you be hurt in this way -- he'd either BE with you, or he'd let you go and cut you off for good -- none of this waffling, wishy-washiness that just makes you feel crazy and miserable.

 

I've told this story before, but not on your thread, so I doubt you've read it: When I was pining over my ex, I was in therapy, and the therapist told me about her son, who worked in a care home for elderly people. He told his mother (my therapist) that all the old folks did was complain ALL day long. All they did was focus on the negative. My therapist told her son that the reason they did this was because their world had become so narrow. They didn't have enough going on in their lives, so they just focused in on the stuff that bugged them and complained constantly about it. I wondered why she was telling me this, until she paused, looked me dead in the eye and said, "You don't have enough going on in your life. You need to have more going on for yourself. If you did, you wouldn't be so focused on this guy." At first, I was offended (just as I was when she suggested to me that I was emotionally unavailable -- but I later decided she was probably right!) Later on, though, I knew she'd been right. Once I started focusing on other things -- friends, exercise, hobbies, buying a house, going on trips -- gradually, things changed, until one day I realized I hadn't thought of my ex at all for nearly a whole day. Then I went several days. Then, I only thought of him when I saw him at work, just because he was right in front of my face. The bigger my world got, the less important he became, and the less I needed him to validate me.

 

This will all take a lot of time for you -- you're not ready to let go yet -- but one day, you will be (or you'll have no choice but to let go, like I did). In any case, one day, I hope you'll look back and say to yourself what I recently found myself saying: "A few years ago, I NEVER thought I'd get over him. I NEVER thought I'd find anyone else I'd feel as strongly about. I NEVER thought I wouldn't love him anymore. I thought some part of me would ALWAYS be hung up on him. I was wrong." I don't love being wrong, but....these were things I was delighted to be wrong about. I hope the same happens for you, someday, when you're ready. It seems like you're still in the pretty early stages, and it may be a bumpy ride.

[Silverbirch]

Fantastic list Browneyed Girl. This is probably true for me too.

[lostlove76]

Thank you, browneyedgirl. I read your post, but I'm on my way out the door so I'll reply when I get back home

[boltnrun]

Yeah, I think we've all had someone we'd "NEVER get over!!!111"

 

And yet, we all did.

 

And not only are we "over" them, we know we're better off without them.

 

Why would we choose to be in pain when we can choose to make a great life for ourselves?

 

If I'd chosen to keep myself stuck to the ex who didn't want to be with me, what would my life look like now? A pretty sad thing, that's what.

 

And what's really funny is he tried three times in the past year to start seeing me again. I did see him twice, but I found him to be so insufferably boring that I actually left and drove an hour back home rather than accept his invitation to spend the night with him. And I never went back. He traveled to my town a couple of months ago and wanted to meet up, but I chose to go to work rather than spend time with him.

 

Right after the breakup I'd have told anyone who would listen that if he tried to see me I would have done anything to accommodate him. Call off sick, go in late, heck, even quit my job, just to see him. I wouldn't have believed anyone who told me that I would choose to WORK rather than see him. But I did. Because I just plain do not love him anymore. My life with him would have been so small and so narrow. I see that now.

 

But, you have to believe you can get there. If you CHOOSE to refuse to let go and CHOOSE to hold onto the pain, of course you won't be able to move on and feel better. But just remember, it IS a choice.

[reinventmyself]

Nice post BEG