ThatwasThen Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 I just want him to know how much it hurts He doesn't care how much it hurts. If he cared that you seeing him with her would hurt you, he would have blocked you from creeping his stuff like you do. Addiing: Keep your self-respect and leave her out of it altogether. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted June 9, 2016 Author Share Posted June 9, 2016 He doesn't care how much it hurts. If he cared that you seeing him with her would hurt you, he would have blocked you from creeping his stuff like you do. He doesn't know I look at his page. There wasn't a picture of them together or anything. She changed her cover photo to a picture of the skyline that appears to be taken from his porch, because he sent me an almost identical photo a while back. I don't know when she would have been there, or if he sent her the picture and she used it. Either way, not a good sign. He really doesn't seem to care how much he hurts me. It takes someone pretty heartless not to care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted June 9, 2016 Author Share Posted June 9, 2016 He doesn't care how much it hurts. If he cared that you seeing him with her would hurt you, he would have blocked you from creeping his stuff like you do. Addiing: Keep your self-respect and leave her out of it altogether. I guess I don't see how it hurts to mention her? I don't get it, sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 He really doesn't seem to care how much he hurts me. It takes someone pretty heartless not to care. Bingo... He's not capable of caring like most of us do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 LostLove...I just got the book The Unavailable man and the Fallback girl. Like it better than the ebook. Can skim thru....go back and reread, etc. I was looking at it...and thinking of you. And me. PLEASE...you have the book. Start reading it tonight. So much of your posts....are there in black and white. Pick it up.... And yes...I thought about your drinking quite a while ago. I have found that drinkers like to hang with other drinkers. (I've dated them...I know) Another reason you don't have a problem with his drinking....cuz you do. Remember....alcohol is a DEPRESSENT! Now go find that book....((hugs)) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted June 10, 2016 Author Share Posted June 10, 2016 Bingo... He's not capable of caring like most of us do. Do you think something is wrong with him? I'm not trying to diagnose him. I just wondered if you think that he truly lacks empathy, even given what all I said about how he has empathy for others. Why would he care about the feelings of others, but not those with whom he's been so close? (Me, his exes) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted June 10, 2016 Author Share Posted June 10, 2016 LostLove...I just got the book The Unavailable man and the Fallback girl. Like it better than the ebook. Can skim thru....go back and reread, etc. I was looking at it...and thinking of you. And me. PLEASE...you have the book. Start reading it tonight. So much of your posts....are there in black and white. Pick it up.... And yes...I thought about your drinking quite a while ago. I have found that drinkers like to hang with other drinkers. (I've dated them...I know) Another reason you don't have a problem with his drinking....cuz you do. Remember....alcohol is a DEPRESSENT! Now go find that book....((hugs)) Hugs to you too. I can't read right now, I have a headache. I'm going to stop drinking for a while, I really am. I can easily NOT drink, but when I do, I drink too much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 So yes, that does say something about both her AND him. He won't care she's married. He once left his ex for a week to stay with a married girl while her husband was in jail. And yet you still think he's this kind wonderful human being, wow... Cheating is the very definition of lack of empathy, and not being kind, and not respecting boundaries. He was CHEATING on his ex! And the other woman's husband. And now doing it again. And will likely continue to doing the same over and over to any woman he dates. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 Hugs to you too. I can't read right now, I have a headache. I'm going to stop drinking for a while, I really am. I can easily NOT drink, but when I do, I drink too much. Sounds like you have a compulsive tendency LostLove, whether it's with drinking or with this guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted June 10, 2016 Author Share Posted June 10, 2016 And yet you still think he's this kind wonderful human being, wow... Cheating is the very definition of lack of empathy, and not being kind, and not respecting boundaries. He was CHEATING on his ex! And the other woman's husband. And now doing it again. And will likely continue to doing the same over and over to any woman he dates. Yes, he's quite horrible in that regard. He told me he wouldn't cheat on me, would never hurt me. He sounded like he meant it. When I was saying something about the other girl last nigh he said "But you're not here. It would be different if you were here." And I said you won't let me be there, and he said he's coming to get me. Blah blah same ole. But that's his excuse - that I'm not there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted June 10, 2016 Author Share Posted June 10, 2016 Sounds like you have a compulsive tendency LostLove, whether it's with drinking or with this guy. Yes, you are right. Good observation. I always get hooked on one thing or another. Some are harmful, some aren't. But I've never been good at balancing my life. One thing always takes the major focus, whatever that thing happens to be at the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 Do you think something is wrong with him? I'm not trying to diagnose him. I just wondered if you think that he truly lacks empathy, even given what all I said about how he has empathy for others. Why would he care about the feelings of others, but not those with whom he's been so close? (Me, his exes)He's only as narcissistic as his drinking problem makes him. The problem with alcoholics (or drug abusers) is that they only think of themselves and what THEY need. What you need is inconsequential. You and contacting you when HE feels the need is just as much an addiction as the booze is. That is the nature of substance abusers and those that are in codependent, enabling relationships with them. Do yourself the loving thing and get yourself to a 12 step programme for those negatively affected by the actions of an alcoholic. Google "Al-Anon" or a meeting near you. You will learn about your codependency and you'll learn to stop trying to control which in turn will make you so much more able to live without all this angst caused by trying to control and failing at it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted June 10, 2016 Author Share Posted June 10, 2016 He's only as narcissistic as his drinking problem makes him. The problem with alcoholics (or drug abusers) is that they only think of themselves and what THEY need. What you need is inconsequential. You and contacting you when HE feels the need is just as much an addiction as the booze is. That is the nature of substance abusers and those that are in codependent, enabling relationships with them. Do yourself the loving thing and get yourself to a 12 step programme for those negatively affected by the actions of an alcoholic. Google "Al-Anon" or a meeting near you. You will learn about your codependency and you'll learn to stop trying to control which in turn will make you so much more able to live without all this angst caused by trying to control and failing at it. That makes sense, about alcoholism/narcissism. It's just hard to truly understand it without feeling it or being that way. So I've written this longish text and I just can't decide what to take out and what to leave in. It's too long. I really want him to at least KNOW how he's made me feel, even if he doesn't care. Any suggestions on what I should say? I liked what I had but it's too long. I just want to get it right so that I can feel at peace that I've said all I wanted to say (closure). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 "It's obvious we do not want the same things from this relationship. Please respect my wishes and do not contact me in any way." And nope, no need to "leave the door open" or "give him the chance to make things right". Because, as you found last night, all you'll get is more empty words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted June 10, 2016 Author Share Posted June 10, 2016 That sounds good, but I'm wondering if I should wait until tomorrow when I can think more clearly. You think it would be okay to send it tomorrow? I just have this deep urge to let him know what all he's done and how it's affected me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted June 10, 2016 Author Share Posted June 10, 2016 My mom and my friend think I should tell him how I feel, how this has hurt me. But you guys think I should just tell him to quit calling. So I don't know what to do. I want to tell him exactly how I feel, whether he cares or not. For my own benefit. But it's just too long, what I wrote, so he'll either zone out or not read it. And it's like a repeat of what I've sent 200 times before. He barely even knows this girl. I don't know how he can "love" her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 My mom and my friend think I should tell him how I feel, how this has hurt me. But you guys think I should just tell him to quit calling. So I don't know what to do. I want to tell him exactly how I feel, whether he cares or not. For my own benefit. But it's just too long, what I wrote, so he'll either zone out or not read it. And it's like a repeat of what I've sent 200 times before. He barely even knows this girl. I don't know how he can "love" her. That's exactly right. You've told him 200 times now "how you feel" and what good has it done you? No good at all so why are you compelled to tell him yet again? Don't tell him anymore. Write it all down and then fold it nicely and put it in a drawer to look at when you feel the need to tell him again. Then, when you're ready, burn it and let all of your "need" to tell him float away with the smoke. (don't do this when you've been drinking ) If you're going to text him don't text him anything except what boltnrun has suggested. That's all he needs to know and it closes the door to all this madness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 I remember when I guy I met on the dating site, was just divorced from his wife of 30 years...she ran off with his best friend...who was also married. So 2 months after the divorce he met up with me. He said, that he wanted to send her a letter, telling him 'how he felt'....I said NO. That everyone on here said NO DON'T DO IT! But 'his mom' said it sounded good to her. lol He wrote it. He sent it. He felt good. He never heard back from her....she was probably too busy laughing.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 BTW....he doesn't LOVE her....just as he doesn't love you. They are incapable of love. Have you found that book yet???? lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted June 10, 2016 Author Share Posted June 10, 2016 I'm still thinking about the text. I'm just going to do what feels right to me. Not sure yet what that will be. I guess his "love" is just infatuation. She really is hot and pretty I can see why he would be attracted to her. She has all these model-type pictures on her page. She has a flawless figure. She's unique and different. So I guess it doesn't matter that she's married and has kids she's willing to leave behind and vents about her husband on Facebook and acts obnoxious. None of that matters, because of how she looks. I wish he had never told me about her. But then I would probably still be talking to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted June 10, 2016 Author Share Posted June 10, 2016 And he feels sorry for her because she's "dying." Well it doesn't look like she's dying. He said she had throat cancer but he is mistaken. She went for a mammogram and a biopsy and I don't even know if she HAS cancer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 And he feels sorry for her because she's "dying." Well it doesn't look like she's dying. He said she had throat cancer but he is mistaken. She went for a mammogram and a biopsy and I don't even know if she HAS cancer. So? What difference does it make to you, luv? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted June 10, 2016 Author Share Posted June 10, 2016 So? What difference does it make to you, luv? I guess as I wrote that I was thinking whether this will turn into a long-term relationship for him. He said she only had a couple months to live. Well if that's not true, and he doesn't have to feel sorry for her, is he still going to love her? I know it shouldn't matter. It just hurts SO much to think of them together. I don't want it to turn into something special. But I have zero control over that, I know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 Honey, he knows damn well what he has done and how you feel. He wanted you to feel this way, he set you up perfectly for it. DON'T send him anything. The two of them will sit there laughing their butts off over it. Do you want that? You are a JOKE to him. That doesn't mean you have to stay a joke. You are a great person with much worth. Now show him that, not the poor, pitiful, person he thinks you are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 Over 2 years ago, Tom started seeing this other girl. He had seen her only a couple of times (I had met her also) She was very nice....and very plain. That is when I finally kissed him...cuz I knew I'd be losing him....or so I thought. What he did, was then go kayaking, biking, hiking...with HER...and slept with me. He never did anything with her, but hugs and a quick peck goodbye. But why would he...? He had me for sex...her for the FUN, that I wanted...and had with him for the last 10 months. It ended after 3 months. Why? Because she started ASKING things of him. Poor girl thought they were in a relationship. She had shoulder surgery....so couldn't do all those fun things. After she asked him to take her to the Dr. a few times...he dumped her. He was actually angry that she ASKED him to take her to a Dr. and he lost time at work. He CLAIMS he never thought of them as even 'dating'...hahahaha...cuz he hadn't kissed her even. But the poor girl did.... Thing is...when she asked something of him...it smacked too much like a relationship...so he bailed. He started seeing her in March...Done by the beginning of July. They were so much alike...I figured they were going to get married. hahahaha Next girl...the Becky girl. Big backpacker....hiker...kayaker...just like him. Clones. He met her in Feb. Started dating in March....done before May was thru. Why? She spent 3 nights at his house....and he had wanted her to go home. OMG...it was starting to look like a relationship. PLUS...she looked at him once...with an 'angry' look. LOL....I thought they were going to be long term also...every one told me...nope...won't last longer than 4 months. Lasted 3, and he didn't even see her every week to get sick of her. Do you see a pattern? Commitment phobes DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP! When it looks like one is starting to materialize...they RUN! Remember? Didn't your guy RUN from you?? Now get that damn book out....lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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