The Ups and Downs of Loving a Commitment-Phobe

[lostlove76]

My mom thinks I should send it. It's closure, ya know? I don't want to block him because I'm also going to tell him that if he ever reaches a point where he wants to fix things so that we're in the same place to let me know, and otherwise not to call. I wrote it and let my mom read it, and she thinks it sounds good. I haven't sent it yet.

[reinventmyself]

My mom thinks I should send it. It's closure, ya know? I don't want to block him because I'm also going to tell him that if he ever reaches a point where he wants to fix things so that we're in the same place to let me know, and otherwise not to call. I wrote it and let my mom read it, and she thinks it sounds good. I haven't sent it yet.

 

Good grief. . . .

[lostlove76]

I already feel as low as I can possibly feel right. Please don't make me feel stupid I feel like by saying that, it will bring me peace of mind - to know that if he ever wanted this then he will tell me.

[reinventmyself]

He's been telling you he wanted the same all along, right?

What would he need to say that would make you think otherwise?

 

So every time he calls, and you know he will - you'll wonder if he's agreed to your terms.

But he always has agreed to your terms, correct?

 

You'll engage him again and again and continue the same dance that goes absolutely no where.

[lostlove76]

I think he'll quit calling if I send that.

 

I just don't know what to do. There is no good option. It hurts when he calls and it hurts when he doesn't call. It hurts when I answer and it hurts when I don't. It hurts when he tells me he's coming to get me and doesn't come. It hurts to hear he loves me and it hurts not to hear it. And now everything hurts a million times worse because of this other girl. Why is he still calling me if he has her???? I don't understand it.

[boltnrun]

Sounds like you want to give him ONE MORE CHANCE to be who you want.

 

Except, you've already told him a few times (more than a few, actually) what you need from him.

 

But, you just can't let it go. You're going to keep asking him and asking him. And of course, he'll say he's coming to get you "next week", and that he loves you...and there you are. Holding on to more empty promises.

 

I wonder how many "one more chances" you're going to give him before it sinks in that he will not and will never actually follow through and give you what you need.

 

It's just so sad, your absolute refusal to even consider a life that doesn't include this up and down, back and forth nowhere "relationship".

 

If you won't even try...

 

But if you feel you must hold on at any and all cost, of course it's your life and your choice.

 

ETA: We've already told you why he keeps calling. Because you ALWAYS cave in (like you did last night). We've told you he likes things exactly as they are right now and he isn't willing to give it up. And he doesn't care how much it hurts you as long as he gets what he wants.

[thejigsup]

Don't you want a man who doesn't play games, is trustworthy, loving, delights in your company, and would never hurt you on purpose? Well, be honest. Do you? This guy ain't it and I'm beginning to think (I going to be blunt here, so hang on) that the rocks in your head match the holes in his. You both need help, NOW.

[lostlove76]

Don't you want a man who doesn't play games, is trustworthy, loving, delights in your company, and would never hurt you on purpose? Well, be honest. Do you? This guy ain't it and I'm beginning to think (I going to be blunt here, so hang on) that the rocks in your head match the holes in his. You both need help, NOW.

 

Yes I want this, but as I've said, I guess I don't believe I'll ever have it. So it's between him and nothing.

 

I do need help. I may have to go to a therapist just to get over this. It's ripped me apart and I don't see any way out of the pain, I really don't. I'm not saying this to be dramatic. I literally do not know how to stop the pain. You all have given me some wonderful suggestions, but unfortunately none of it is a quick fix ya know? It hurts so bad on a daily basis that I can't even bring myself to care about anything else.

 

Maybe I'll feel more hopeful tomorrow. It does kind of come and go, these extreme lows. But this is how I'm feeling right now.

[lostlove76]

Sounds like you want to give him ONE MORE CHANCE to be who you want.

 

Except, you've already told him a few times (more than a few, actually) what you need from him.

 

But, you just can't let it go. You're going to keep asking him and asking him. And of course, he'll say he's coming to get you "next week", and that he loves you...and there you are. Holding on to more empty promises.

 

I wonder how many "one more chances" you're going to give him before it sinks in that he will not and will never actually follow through and give you what you need.

 

It's just so sad, your absolute refusal to even consider a life that doesn't include this up and down, back and forth nowhere "relationship".

 

If you won't even try...

 

But if you feel you must hold on at any and all cost, of course it's your life and your choice.

 

ETA: We've already told you why he keeps calling. Because you ALWAYS cave in (like you did last night). We've told you he likes things exactly as they are right now and he isn't willing to give it up. And he doesn't care how much it hurts you as long as he gets what he wants.

 

I don't know why it won't sink in that he's never coming to get me and never moving back here. Hope is a really hard thing to get rid of, especially when he fed me so much hope over and over for five straight months.

 

As for why he's still calling. I get all that, but if he has her then why does he need me. That was my question. No one knows, it's okay. Maybe he doesn't have her full-time so he wants me the rest of the time.

[ThatwasThen]

WHY can't they just be good guys!!? They obviously love and care about us, and yet they treat us like crap.

This is denial at it's finest. It is not obvious that they love and care. I have read nothing in any of these posts that shows that the men that won't commit "love" anyone. Love doesn't not look like what I've been reading. Codependent addiction to these men (and to some extent them to you'se) and low self-worth plus lack of personal boundaries to keep y'all strong and gone is what I see. You are convenient when it suits them. What you need to be asking is why do you not get yourselves away from the constant high/low of your addictive substance? 12 step programme and al-anon would help you to break through the fog.

[boltnrun]

See, for me the fact that he's been gone for 8 months and breaking promises for 6 months would make me LOSE hope, not keep it.

 

I'm completely confused how him constantly breaking promises = "hope" to you.

[ThatwasThen]

I think I'm about to text him and ask him to please quit calling me. Tell him that picturing him with her, after everything he's said about loving me, is just killing me. And that I need to get over him, and I can't do that if he keeps calling me.

Yes... you should definitely send him that text MINUS the passive aggressive BS about that other woman. You have to close the door on him under your terms and take back your personal power from his hands. Tell him to stop calling you. PERIOD.

[lostlove76]

See, for me the fact that he's been gone for 8 months and breaking promises for 6 months would make me LOSE hope, not keep it.

 

I'm completely confused how him constantly breaking promises = "hope" to you.

 

Just the words themselves. It took me a long time to realize he was not going to come. Because for a while there were legitimate excuses. His truck was broken for a long time til he fixed it. Then I put it off for a while because I had things to do here. It just took a while for me to realize, and then I kept feeling the hope. He used really strong and sincere-sounding words about it. I just fell for it. Because I wanted to believe it.

 

I don't know how to get past knowing he's with this girl. I feel a tiny bit bad that he had to ask me to quit calling her the trashy girl. She's probably an okay person other than the fact that she's married. I have nothing against her personally. I just cringe at the fact that he's with her, after everything he told me about loving me. And he's STILL saying he's in love with me. Yet he's got something going with her, to whatever extent. How do you get over something like this? I know people get cheated on all the time or left for someone else. It's so painful. I don't know how people deal with it. How did you?

[lostlove76]

Yes... you should definitely send him that text. You have to close the door on him under your terms and take back your personal power from his hands. Tell him to stop calling you.

 

See, that's what I thought, but then I second-guessed myself because others thought it was pointless. I haven't sent it yet and don't know if I'm going to. I'm worried that if I send it and he does quit calling, I'm going to be feeling awful every night when the call doesn't come.

[reinventmyself]

other than the fact that she's married.

 

Wait. .did I miss that earlier?

She's married? That says a lot about her, but you do realize this speaks volumes about him and his character.

Well, of course he'd hook up with someone married. Guaranteed outcome, right?

 

I am at a loss to what more you need to hear to get some sort of break through.

[boltnrun]

I "got over it" when I realized HE was trashy, not the other woman.

 

I "got over it" when I realized I am worth more than a man who thinks nothing of engaging and sleeping with other women while proclaiming his love for me.

 

I "got over it" when I realized that if I still wanted him after he cheated, there was something terribly wrong with me. The fact that he cheated wasn't my fault, but staying with him knowing he cheated would be.

 

Once I realized how much better off I was without a lying, cheating piece of garbage who used me for what HE wanted, it was really easy.

[reinventmyself]

. How do you get over something like this? I know people get cheated on all the time or left for someone else. It's so painful. I don't know how people deal with it. How did you?

 

Bolt has shared her story. How did she deal with it? She went total NC and eventually blocked him.

[lostlove76]

other than the fact that she's married.

 

Wait. .did I miss that earlier?

She's married? That says a lot about her, but you do realize this speaks volumes about him and his character.

Well, of course he'd hook up with someone married. Guaranteed outcome, right?

 

I am at a loss to what more you need to hear to get some sort of break through.

 

Yep, she's married. Looks like they've been fighting for a while and at one point she said she was divorcing him (this is all info I gained from her Facebook page). But then they were together just a month and a half ago. Her husband was there when she was in ex's town. I know because there was a picture of him from that time. They have two kids. She was going to move to Texas a few months ago and leave the family behind, for work, but it didn't happen. Now I guess she's leaving them behind to move to my ex's town, where she grew up. Her husband still lists himself as married on his page, and his profile picture is of the two of them. But they aren't Facebook friends anymore (her and her husband). So I guess she's leaving him. I know I shouldn't know all this, but I do.

 

So yes, that does say something about both her AND him. He won't care she's married. He once left his ex for a week to stay with a married girl while her husband was in jail.

[lostlove76]

I "got over it" when I realized HE was trashy, not the other woman.

 

I "got over it" when I realized I am worth more than a man who thinks nothing of engaging and sleeping with other women while proclaiming his love for me.

 

I "got over it" when I realized that if I still wanted him after he cheated, there was something terribly wrong with me. The fact that he cheated wasn't my fault, but staying with him knowing he cheated would be.

 

Once I realized how much better off I was without a lying, cheating piece of garbage who used me for what HE wanted, it was really easy.

 

And all that made the pain go away?

 

I guess self-worth is what I'm lacking here.

[reinventmyself]

So yes, that does say something about both her AND him. He won't care she's married. He once left his ex for a week to stay with a married girl while her husband was in jail.

 

it just gets better. . .

[ThatwasThen]

See, that's what I thought, but then I second-guessed myself because others thought it was pointless. I haven't sent it yet and don't know if I'm going to. I'm worried that if I send it and he does quit calling, I'm going to be feeling awful every night when the call doesn't come.

No you won't feel awful. You'll feel relieved because then you have closure and you can get on with your life without him in it. It's called taking back your personal power. Right now he has all of the power and you are a wreck. Him, he doesn't care because if he did, you'd be with him by now.

 

If you text him to stop calling you, do not mention anything about the other woman. You are just lowering yourself by mentioning her.

[reinventmyself]

Attacking this from the angle you are is pointless.

Change isn't going to happen until you work on your self esteem.

 

(Read Janut1's journal. She came from a bad breakup, health issues, isolation and started a new job)

 

It's putting into action the very things that might define you that creates self esteem.

Being in the lowest place possible and trying to find the strength to break away from the very thing you have a death grip on, as if your life depends on it, is backwards. Well, honestly, it's a circle that is spiraling down the drain.

 

The more nonsense you tolerate, the more you erode your own self esteem. The lower your self esteem the more you tolerate.

So . . waiting for him to do something clearly is not the answer here.

 

Figuring out what you will do differently from this point on is the key. Because to continue doing what you've been doing and expecting a different result . . .well you all know the end of the sentence.

[boltnrun]

And all that made the pain go away?

 

I guess self-worth is what I'm lacking here.

 

Why?

 

What is it about you that makes you think you have no value?

 

Anxiety? I had anxiety and I still think I have value.

 

Inability to drive distances? Lots of people don't drive but they don't feel worthless.

 

And I recall you said you don't believe in developing a life unless you're in a romantic relationship. But when you're in a romantic relationship you don't develop a life either because you're focusing only on the man to the point of obsession. It seems like you feel you are nothing without a man.

 

So, is the fact that you haven't bothered to develop a life of your own the reason why you don't feel like you have value?

 

And if so, this is why you'd hold onto a man who sounds worse and worse with every page of this journal. Sure, there's that connection YOU feel (and that you insist he feels too). But if it's mutual, why all the other women? And why do you STILL want to tie yourself to a man who seems to think not having morals is no big deal?

[lostlove76]

No you won't feel awful. You'll feel relieved because then you have closure and you can get on with your life without him in it. It's called taking back your personal power. Right now he has all of the power and you are a wreck. Him, he doesn't care because if he did, you'd be with him by now.

 

If you text him to stop calling you, do not mention anything about the other woman. You are just lowering yourself by mentioning her.

 

I just want him to know how much it hurts

[lostlove76]

I'm reading every post, thank you all so much. I might not reply much right now because I feel so awful, but I will later. I think I need to quit drinking for a while. Being hungover makes things impossible to deal with and makes it impossible to think straight. I might lay down and think about what you guys have said. I'll still be on here though. All this really does say a lot about his character. And the fact that I've put up with it for two years really does say a lot about me.