lostlove76 Posted June 9, 2016 Author Share Posted June 9, 2016 Geez that's long. Sorry!!! It was more for my own benefit, so feel free to just scan it and not read every single word. Ugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 Hey...I never apologize for writing a big wall of text! The ex fiancé liked the fact I talked....he said then he didn't have to. This guy doesn't like that I talk...because unless it's superficial...like kayaking or hiking....nothing relationship....he's not down with that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 All words and no action. Says big huge meaningful things that make me feel so loved and important, promises things that get me excited about a future with him, and then does nothing at all about it. Was exactly said in the ebook i'm reading. The author is also online....and refered to on here....Baggage Reclaim. anyway....what you wrote is called 'future fakers' in her book. They make plans and talk about the future, but have no intention of ever doing it. What I find sad in all of this....is do they KNOW they are doing this? Sometimes I think my ex is sooooo un introspective....that he's oblivious to his ill treatment of me. I can't imagine that they are doing this 'on purpose'. Also (hahaha) I was relating so much on how your guy is...vs my guy. Of course not identical...and also how you are feeling...I am feeling. It's so sad...all the way around. Why can't life be simple....and easy. I expect Tom to unfriend and block me tomorrow on fb because of posts I just posted. lol He did that before to me...when I only shared ONE post....I shared a string of them tonite. OFf the same site that he got his...so I clicked, clicked, clicked. I'll send them over...just for a good laugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 If all this doesn't make him crabby...nothing will! What got him mad at me...that started all this not talking to me...is he's going kayaking on Friday....92 miles. I had wanted to go. He said NO. So on fb his friend said...only 5 days!!! Tom replies....Let the fun begin! I said....I was told I couldn't go.... That was it...and I was called for him to tell me it was inappropriate. But I hadn't answered the phone. And twice before he unfriended me of ONE post I posted....lol. I'm so looking forward to tomorrow...to see if he unfriends me. Since he wouldn't unfriend his 'Becky' chick that he just ended with to get back with me. When I asked why he didn't 'unfriend' her...he said 'that's childish'.....lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted June 9, 2016 Author Share Posted June 9, 2016 When Tom use to call me...it was much easier to 'ignore'...because I was punishing him, for being so bad. YES. It feels like we're punishing them, and that feels GOOD after all the hurt they've put us through. I hate to feel that way, but unless you're a saint, you almost can't help but to. So you can see he doesn't like to be told what to do.... Mine doesn't either, although his way of dealing with it is to passive-aggressively agree to it and then just not do it. They're like rebellious teenagers. I also see I like to start sentences with....So. Lol. You make me laugh Also....(a variation of So) I got the ebook The Unavailable man and the Fallback girl. I was reading it last night, but I can't skip/skim thru pages like you can a book...much less underline, hightlight...or turn the corners over. So I bought it again in book form today. By Natalie Lue? Baggage Reclaim? I have that book! I read half of it. I need to reread, from start to finish, when I'm ready. She's awesome. But she also chips away at your denial, which I haven't been ready for quite yet. It's because it's YOU that he doesn't want to get attached to. Or make a commitment too. Those other people don't mean anything to him. He can do a random act of kindness...and move on. So true and so sad. Kind of goes along with "we always hurt the ones we love" in a way. They treat us differently from anyone else. It's so backwards. It's specifically BECAUSE we mean so much to them that they treat us this way. Because it scares them to get so close. Others who haven't experienced this or read about it might see it as hogwash, but it's true. But really, I think waiting for one to text first...or not...is playing games. YES, it most definitely is. But they started the game, so we had to learn how to play it. So see? I understand where you are coming from. Except your guy has a mild, kindhearted personality, so when he wanted to escape...he LEFT. He didn't want to FIGHT with you. Oh...that made me think. Ya know...the old fight or flight reflex. Yes....they talked about it in this book. When I read about it, I was only relating to the 'fight' part, because of my guy. He would fight to gain distance. Your guy chose flight. geeze. Classic. He had to FLEE you to get away from you. He doesn't want to lose you completely, so he keeps you attached by the few phonecalls (bread crumbs) he throws your way. But he got what he wanted.....distance. I would rather have a fighter than a flighter. Mine is definitely more prone to flight. He's always saying he does not argue, does not fight. And he doesn't. He'll sit there and listen to me fuss and vent, and just say over and over that he's sorry and that he understands. At least he'll listen - I appreciate that. He doesn't flee my venting. But when we get too close (which should be a GOOD thing!), that's when he flees. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 I really would have liked to have posted this one...but I do have SOME restraint! lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 I'm glad it's long, as it should be. Because he has done a lot of crappy things and I had expected the cons list to be way longer than the pros list and to outweigh the pros (which you aren't getting the benefit of anyway) by a long way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 Yes...I was glad she could think of lots of cons....without looking at him with rose-colored glasses....and sugar-coating all his faults. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted June 9, 2016 Author Share Posted June 9, 2016 The author is also online....and refered to on here....Baggage Reclaim. YEP! Lol. I wrote my last post before I read yours. Natalie is good. anyway....what you wrote is called 'future fakers' in her book. They make plans and talk about the future, but have no intention of ever doing it. What I find sad in all of this....is do they KNOW they are doing this? Sometimes I think my ex is sooooo un introspective....that he's oblivious to his ill treatment of me. I can't imagine that they are doing this 'on purpose'. Honestly, I wonder this too. No one could be THAT cruel to say things that they have zero intention of following through with. Mine always sounded like he completely 100% believed himself in the moment he was saying it. When I gave the ultimatum, the Sunday before the Wednesday he was supposed to come, he was saying that he understands why I would have to quit talking to him if he didn't come, but that he was definitely coming so it wasn't an issue. He believed it as he was saying it, I promise you. Of course, alcohol was involved, but still. He went into detail about what he/we would do once he got here. He would come on Wednesday, see his parents, then we would get a hotel and go downtown Wed and Thurs nights, and drive back on Friday. And sometime during all of that, go to his favorite place to get his favorite sandwich here. Because he misses our town so much. He DID mean it and believe it as he was saying it. So maybe they just don't look beyond the exact moment in which they say something?? I don't know. He was saying he was coming all the way up through the Monday before the Wednesday, and that's when he realized he was backed into a corner and couldn't follow through, so he turned into a jacka#$. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted June 9, 2016 Author Share Posted June 9, 2016 I'm glad it's long, as it should be. Because he has done a lot of crappy things and I had expected the cons list to be way longer than the pros list and to outweigh the pros (which you aren't getting the benefit of anyway) by a long way. Yes...I was glad she could think of lots of cons....without looking at him with rose-colored glasses....and sugar-coating all his faults. Thanks. My problem is that I can see all the cons, but my heart takes over and I miss him and I miss the good things, so I end up dismissing the bad. But I think I'm doing better than I was before, since I've refused to answer his calls for two weeks, which I couldn't find the strength to do until now. I predict that what will happen is that eventually my feelings will fade (don't know how long that will take!) and I'll look back on him and all of this with disgust, and at that point there will be no danger of falling for it again. That's what's happened with every previous guy. I've never been this in love or attached or whatever the heck it is, but once I get over my feelings for him, I'll be safe. I won't turn back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 Yep. Get that Damn book out and start reading it. Mine was NOT a future faker. Only ONE time did he say he wanted me of the rest of his life...and we lasted one month. Oh...and almost 2 weeks ago (when he was safe...and out of state for a week) he said he was so grateful I was in his life. Oh yeah...that was nothing about the future. eh. He DID invite me to his family reunion next month. Well..now that'll never happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 Hopefully everyone else on here will keep you strong. When I got weak today....I thought of calling my gf. But nope. Usually she doesn't answer. I think she's sick of me too. So then I called him. BIG MISTAKE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted June 9, 2016 Author Share Posted June 9, 2016 I just miss mine. A lot. Even after writing that list. If he had called tonight I probably would have answered, just to ask him what he wants and to gauge how he's feeling. He hasn't signed onto the dating site all day, which makes me feel just as worried as if he did sign on, because it makes me feel that he must be with someone. I find myself just missing TALKING to him, but I know I can't handle anything less than an exclusive relationship. I can't just be his friend. At least with your guy (and not to minimize the hurt by any means) you get to see him and be with him. I don't even get that. It's either phone or nothing. I just feel especially sad today about having nothing at all of him. I guess it's like your timeline you talked about before. How I feel is going to fluctuate as time moves forward. WHY can't they just be good guys!!? They obviously love and care about us, and yet they treat us like crap. So hard to understand no matter how much we read and inform ourselves. I hope to one day fall in love with someone who is monogomously-minded, at least. As long as he doesn't withdraw and need attention from random women, I'll be good, no matter what else he does. Right now I just feel like all guys suck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 Oh no....we are definitely broke up! Maybe forever....who the hell knows. I've been saying this for 2 years. I haven't seen him since sunday...he's leaving Friday for 9 days. So that means I will not have seen or hear from him for 15 days. Before last week...I hadn't seen him for a good 2 weeks. In fact...I figured it out....that I saw him 2 times in Feb. ...Once in March...just after I found out he deleted my pics off his fb page....and added her. Once or twice in April. Then at the VERY end of May he wanted me back. And I saw him every day last week. Well...that isn't true either. I left to go kayaking over memorial day...and he wouldn't go with me. So you see....He likes me about ONE day a week. For sex. And then the next day (usually Sunday) he wants me GONE. So even tho I get to see him occasionally and have sex.....the rejection is HORRIBLE...and you never have to deal with his anger...and verbal abuse. To have someone tell you that they love you one day....and then say you're nuts 4 days later....and then 'scary' 2 days after that. I can't tell you how much I've cried. And then him having an actual GIRLFRIEND....which at first he denied....and then come and talk to me for HOURS....I mean 4 hours and then make love. He'd go home...and then say he never said he'd never quit seeing her. Even tho he was 'hinting strongly' to me that he had to 'end' it with her.....ugh. Sunday, when I said something about him cheating on me with her...did he explode. He said, I never cheated...you KNEW about her. (well....yeah....then he cheated on HER...cuz she didn't know about ME!) But then he'd blame ME for sex also. One time he said (St. Patricks day) Ididn't want to...but you put your hands down MY pants. I said....well what the hell did you invite me over to your house for? He said...I wish I wouldn't have. And got SUPER nasty. gee....I have to remember that more often. One of his absolutely WORST times. He made me feel like sh*t on his shoe. But I use to say, I never had a man, make me feel as loved as him. I also have to realize.. that's been a long time ago....and VERY short-lived. sad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 The birds are starting to sing....and the cat is waking up...so I guess I should get to bed. Stay strong. Your List is good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 My ex said all sorts of things to me and there was no alcohol involved. When I realised it was fake, I asked him why he said those things. His reply: "We men say some silly things in the heat and passion of the moment". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 I've had a couple ex's tell me everything I have ever wanted to hear and more . . but never acted on it. Why do they do it? Who knows? That's their issue. What's important is - what was it about me that I tolerated it? We can waste sooo much time trying to figure out what they do and why they do it but in the end it never changes the outcome. I've been thru it so many times I am pretty good at not trying to decode other peoples behavior anymore. It's often very complex psychological issues anyway and I am not a psychiatrist. Not sure if it will help you but in those moments, when I catch myself spinning about why someone did what they did, I ask myself `will the answer change the outcome?' I can almost always answer `no', so I just let it go. Trying to figure out someone else is pointless, and besides, none of my business really. When I was going thru my divorce I was very much like you, very stuck on the words. Surely he loved me and his family so much he would do the very things he promised. Why wouldn't he?? But sadly he didn't. His words and actions didn't match. It was maddening. Add in myself, an anxious stay at home mom with so much at stake, I really needed to believe in what he was telling me. With the help of a personal therapist and a marriage counselor I saw my way out. I used visual means to help myself sort things out. I would picture myself putting my hands over my ears so I couldn't hear what he said. Figuratively it helped. I just watched what he did. In turn he showed me what I needed to do. With no income, no marketable skills, small children and extremely vulnerable, I filled for divorce. I have gone from there to having a good career, a home of my very own, a few loves (lost and otherwise)raising two young sons into great young men, a lot of life lessons and onto the great relationship I have today. My biggest regret, that I wasted a lot of valuable time on men who didn't have my interests at heart like I did theirs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 Great post reinvent Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted June 9, 2016 Author Share Posted June 9, 2016 Thanks for that, reinventmyself. Well, I've gotta be honest and say that I answered when he called last night. He called at 4am, right after I wrote my last post on here. I had been drinking for a couple of hours, and when he called I just thought "might as well see what he wants." I had been thinking I would answer if he called, but didn't think he would try two nights in a row. Also gotta be honest in saying that I don't remember most of it, because I was drinking, and I was just fussing at him for about 3 hours before I finally hung up on him. The few things I do remember: I kept referring to "that trashy girl on the beach" and he eventually (gently) said "hey, don't call her that." So I asked if he loves her and he says he loves her but he's in love with me. "But hey, I love a lot of people!" he said. He asked if I know the difference between love and in love but I didn't ask him to explain. He said she has cancer and he feels sorry for her. I said something about him asking me to marry him and he said he would love to marry me. I said we don't even live in the same place and he said he's coming to get me. It was just the same ole mess. I never said I love him back, I don't think. I don't remember what all I said. So today I'm paying for it. I feel hungover and depressed. I have no clue if he's seeing this girl. I don't know why he keeps calling me if he loves her. I can't think straight when I'm hungover, so I don't even know what I'm going to do. Obviously I can't keep talking to him. His love means nothing to me anymore. I just want the pain to go away, and it won't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 Not that I wish any pain on you but maybe you just need to keep touching the fire until you back away and finally say `ouch, that hurts' Same thing, different day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted June 9, 2016 Author Share Posted June 9, 2016 Maybe so. I think I'm about to text him and ask him to please quit calling me. Tell him that picturing him with her, after everything he's said about loving me, is just killing me. And that I need to get over him, and I can't do that if he keeps calling me. Just as closure, to tell him how I feel. But then am I going to be extra depressed when he quits calling? Trashy girl posted a cover photo today on her Facebook that seems to have been taken from his porch, of the sunrise. It's from an identical angle to a picture he sent me a while back. I don't know when she took it, because he was talking to me til morning, so it wasn't this morning. Maybe she moved into his building. I really don't know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 I'm concerned you're developing a drinking problem of your own. Are you at all concerned about that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted June 9, 2016 Author Share Posted June 9, 2016 I've always been a bit of a drinker, but I can go without. I plan to cut it way back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted June 9, 2016 Author Share Posted June 9, 2016 Do you think I should text him what I said above? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 I think I'm about to text him and ask him to please quit calling me. Tell him that picturing him with her, after everything he's said about loving me, is just killing me. And that I need to get over him, and I can't do that if he keeps calling me. It's not his job to take care of you. It's yours. Saying this is just more bait to get a response. If you really don't want to talk to him, block him. But you won't do that will you? Therefore you aren't done talking, but want to continue with the drama and pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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