The Ups and Downs of Loving a Commitment-Phobe

[Silverbirch]

I feel such relief that what you are going through seems over for me. I slep the best I have for ages despite getting a text from him which I haven't replied to. Hasn't all been easy, but the 12 step program works.

[lostlove76]

I feel such relief that what you are going through seems over for me. I slep the best I have for ages despite getting a text from him which I haven't replied to. Hasn't all been easy, but the 12 step program works.

 

Aw, I'm glad you're doing well

 

Do you feel like you'll ever reach the stage of true indifference, without having to force it? A point at which you truly just won't care about him at all, won't miss him, won't mourn the loss? You're a ways down the road from me.

[annie24]

Aw, I'm glad you're doing well

 

Do you feel like you'll ever reach the stage of true indifference, without having to force it? A point at which you truly just won't care about him at all, won't miss him, won't mourn the loss? You're a ways down the road from me.

 

You'll get there. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but one day, you won't even care about him. Especially if/when you go out with a man who calls you, takes you out on nice dates, spends quality time with you.... and you're going to be like, "why was I even crying over that loser!?"

[lostlove76]

You'll get there. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but one day, you won't even care about him. Especially if/when you go out with a man who calls you, takes you out on nice dates, spends quality time with you.... and you're going to be like, "why was I even crying over that loser!?"

 

I hope that's true! I definitely feel that way about all past exes. They mean nothing at all to me.

 

You know how they say that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. I wouldn't do that lol (just sex), but I worry that because I don't have anyone to replace him with, I won't ever get over my feelings for him. I'm so emotionally shut down right now from anyone but him that it would just backfire horribly if I tried to date, or even talk to anyone. So I just hope that the feelings will eventually go away on their own. His ex that he was on/off with for 3 years said it took her a YEAR to fully get over him. I can't live like this for another year.

[Realitynut]

I lived like that for a good year....and went another 2 years before I met Tom. Saw Tom for 4 months, then told my mom...I am finally happy again. That was 6 months before I ever had sex with Tom...but we had such a good mental and then emotional connection. Then we had sex.

 

Then everything went to hell. I became more 'needy' and he became more 'distant'.

 

It's what commitment phobes do.

 

Can't change them.

 

Remember: (since you like the big letters! ) If he wanted to be with you....he'd be with you! No if's, and's, or But's!!!

[boltnrun]

I don't think anyone's recommending you talk to him to "get closure".

 

I think everyone's recommending you talk to him to tell him to stop calling.

 

If you attempt to "get closure", what will REALLY happen is you'll "fuss" at him for 5 hours, he'll say he loves you, he'll propose marriage, he'll say he's coming to get you next week, he'll say he wrote that Facebook post and added that woman when he was drunk and say he doesn't remember doing it, you'll feel giddy and happy and you'll want to believe him, then you'll take him back . Then in a few days you'll see he went on the dating site and you'll be right back where you are today, disappointed and hurt.

 

Why take that chance? Why not text him telling him to stop calling, then block him? Or do you want to keep holding on to this false hope, hoping he'll "change"? And if so, how long do you want to choose to keep feeling like this?

[lostlove76]

I don't know Honestly, I just don't know. I don't really want him to quit calling. I just want to know what he's thinking/feeling. If I truly was ready to move on, I would text him telling him to leave me alone. I can be pretty cold when I want to be and I could make him stop, just by telling him what I think of him, and telling him to stop. I just don't think I want him to stop. I never wanted him gone in the first place. I absolutely had to force myself to arrive at the point of going NC.

 

RN, your big words make a really good point. He would be with me if he wanted to be. But remember that he's not "normal". He's a commitment-phobe, and everything is complicated X100 with them, no matter what they may want or not want. They just aren't like normal people. But I say that and then I go back to agreeing with you - he would be with me if he wanted to be.

[notalady]

I feel like we're just going in circles. You'll never be truly ready to move on until you take the first step of attempting to get over him, this is one of those things where action has to precede feelings. You won't start to move on until you block him and tell yourself this is it, I'm forever done, no more chances. Then you block and delete and refuse to act on any tempting thoughts.

 

It's all within your control, you're just choosing not to do it.

 

"Commitment phobe" is just yet another excuse you make for him for bad behaviour, as if by having this label means he should get some kind of concession for behaving badly. So what if he's commitment phobic (which you don't know by the way unless he's seen a psychiatrist and has been told this is the case), ask yourself so what? Does that mean he can get away with anything and everything?

[Silverbirch]

I can tell you with certainty that I feel indifferent to all my other previous exes and I am becoming indifferent to this last one.

 

What I had to do to help was accept that the real problem is not really him - it's that I Became obsessed with Him. I have to take responsibility for myself and leave him to take responsibility for himself. That puts the focus back onto me. I need to be focusing on other aspects of my life. I accept that what I have that seems to be gone right now but could come back if I don't continue to work on this and take necessary maintenance work is an obsession with other people. Needless to say, that's not healthy.

 

I have so much in my life that I need to give attention to. I've had dreams I'm going to make a reality. Today, I bought a little caravan. It's in excellent condition and just needs some cosmetic work on it. It's tiny, but I know I will love it and when the warmer weather comes in a few months, I will start travelling. Firstly for weekends and not too far away. Then for visits to family stopping along the way!

 

To be honest, and I'm sorry if this comes out in a way which is compromising to anyone's dignity, but seeing what you are going through is making me more determined not to go back there - like watching an alcoholic refusing to stop drinking even though they know it is killing them and causing them pain.

 

Aw, I'm glad you're doing well

 

Do you feel like you'll ever reach the stage of true indifference, without having to force it? A point at which you truly just won't care about him at all, won't miss him, won't mourn the loss? You're a ways down the road from me.

[Silverbirch]

Yeah, the first thing I did was accept that I had a form of insanity - I was obsessed with doing the same thing, going through the same cycle which was self-destructive.

[boltnrun]

Him being a supposed commitment phobe isn't complicated.

 

He won't commit. You need commitment. Therefore, he is not the man for you. Simple.

 

As for your feelings, yes, they are not going to go away in an instant. But how will you move on if you refuse to let go?

 

You don't want to move on maybe? Would you rather feel miserable forever? Do you want to sit there thinking "but I hoped he'd step up!!!!" forever?

 

And you're not in no contact BTW. If you're stalking his Facebook and checking his dating site activity...you're NOT in no contact.

[reinventmyself]

Him being a supposed commitment phobe isn't complicated.

 

He won't commit. You need commitment. Therefore, he is not the man for you. Simple.

 

As for your feelings, yes, they are not going to go away in an instant. But how will you move on if you refuse to let go?

 

You don't want to move on maybe? Would you rather feel miserable forever? Do you want to sit there thinking "but I hoped he'd step up!!!!" forever?

 

And you're not in no contact BTW. If you're stalking his Facebook and checking his dating site activity...you're NOT in no contact.

 

Detachment doesn't magically come over you. It's a conscious choice with actions to support it.

 

And Batya is correct - Obsessing, talking about him, mindreading, wishful thinking, (fantasizing) forecasting,

rationalizing and cyber creeping is not NC.

 

It's just indirect ways of staying firmly attached and not moving on.

[lostlove76]

Detachment doesn't magically come over you. It's a conscious choice with actions to support it.

 

And Batya is correct - Obsessing, talking about him, mindreading, wishful thinking, (fantasizing) forecasting,

rationalizing and cyber creeping is not NC.

 

It's just indirect ways of staying firmly attached and not moving on.

 

Is there a post missing? I don't see anything from Batya. Or maybe you meant bolt?

[reinventmyself]

my bad `boltnrun'

[lostlove76]

Okay, I hear what you guys are saying. I just don't know how I'm supposed to make myself want to be done forever when that's not really what I want. I honestly think that's just going to have to come with time. A couple weeks from now, maybe I won't want him anymore. I don't know. I do hear what you're saying - all these things I need to stop doing so that I can detach. And I'm just saying that I'm not sure yet that I want to detach. I'm sorry if that makes me sound weak and pathetic, or if it's incredibly frustrating to hear. I can assure that it's not that I want to remain miserable or stuck in limbo.

 

What I can't get past are all the good things, all the good times spent together, all his good qualities. That's what keeps me stuck and wanting him back. But every day I remind myself of things such as "he doesn't even live here anymore," "he's currently collecting women on the dating site," "he's been an a$$hole," etc. I do try to talk myself out of it.

 

I just watched the last few minutes of a Grey's Anatomy repeat and just started crying, so I guess I'm feeling a tad bit emotional so far today.

 

I'll get there. Like you said before, it's not linear.

[lostlove76]

To be honest, and I'm sorry if this comes out in a way which is compromising to anyone's dignity, but seeing what you are going through is making me more determined not to go back there - like watching an alcoholic refusing to stop drinking even though they know it is killing them and causing them pain.

 

It's okay, I don't mind you saying that at all. I'm glad that reading my stuff can help you stay on your own course. I know exactly what you mean. Once I'm out of this, reading about anyone else going through it will just make me cringe at where I used to be, and feel full of relief that I'm not there anymore. I get you!

[annie24]

It's okay, I don't mind you saying that at all. I'm glad that reading my stuff can help you stay on your own course. I know exactly what you mean. Once I'm out of this, reading about anyone else going through it will just make me cringe at where I used to be, and feel full of relief that I'm not there anymore. I get you!

 

Seriously, it will help you if you block him. It will give you peace. I swear, it helped me, even though it was hard.

[lostlove76]

"Commitment phobe" is just yet another excuse you make for him for bad behaviour, as if by having this label means he should get some kind of concession for behaving badly.

 

You're SO right. Why should he get away with being a selfish jerk just because he has issues with commitment? I don't know when or why I talked myself into believe that anything about that was okay. I've read all about commitment-phobia, and I know that it comes from a place of fear, and I KNOW him well enough to know that he DOES have this issue. However, it could also be looked at as a case of someone wanting to have their cake and eat it too, and that's just not okay. So screw that, right.

 

I have to take responsibility for myself and leave him to take responsibility for himself. That puts the focus back onto me.

 

mindreading

 

I do do a lot of mindreading. Sometimes I imagine him feeling sad and lonely or empty inside. But I do need to let him take responsibility for his own feelings, especially since I don't even know for sure what those are. It shouldn't matter what he feels. I'm the one who has been terribly hurt by his actions. And if he was hurt by me, it was all because he initially caused problems. My feelings should matter to me more than his feelings matter to me, seeing as how we're not even together and I don't even know what his feelings are.

 

Reminder to self: IF he's devastated over the loss of his best friend and "soulmate" then he can stop being selfish and step it up and do something about it. Anything short of that is not enough. (and no, I'm really not expecting him to do any such thing, I'm just reminding myself that if he was that hurt, he could do something about it) (and no one needs to tell me that he's not hurt, please, because we really don't know. to say that he isn't is as much mindreading as to say that he is. no one knows but him)

[lostlove76]

Seriously, it will help you if you block him. It will give you peace. I swear, it helped me, even though it was hard.

 

Right before I met him, I was "seeing" this guy for a short while who made it very clear that he didn't want a relationship, and I somehow developed mild feelings for him. Nothing at all to this current extent. But I blocked him shortly after meeting current ex, and it did help me forget him and move forward. I think he's still blocked. He tried to friend me on facebook quite a while back and I just didn't even acknowledge it. Totally over him, and actually think of him with disgust.

 

But I'm just not ready to do that with this one right now.

[lostlove76]

I just noticed the Search Thread feature! I was thinking the other day how nice it would be to have one, when you said you went back and reread to look for something, reinventmyself. I'm probably the last to notice, but thought I would share in case anyone else doesn't know it's there Top right corner, underneath the thread title. Shows how observant I am to only just now see this. Cool though, very helpful.

 

I'm about to eat dinner and then go to work for a couple of hours. Tonight would be the night for him to try calling, if he keeps it up. I imagine that he'll either give up entirely for a few weeks, or slow his efforts down to once a week or so. But we will see. I'm still debating whether to answer just once, for a few minutes, if he does call. I'll probably just go with what I feel like doing in the moment. But rest assured, I will not fall back into the trap of continuing to talk to him and accepting things as they were. I know no one believes that, but I do feel that I've gained enough strength over the past two weeks of not talking to him to resist his words. If I do answer, it will only be because I'm curious about what he's thinking and feeling. And then I would just repeat myself that I can't do it anymore because of xyz, and get off the phone. Or I just won't answer at all. We'll see.

 

Main point of this post, though, was to inform everyone about the nifty Search Thread feature. Ha. On the off chance that I wasn't the only one who didn't know it was there

[reinventmyself]

But rest assured, I will not fall back into the trap of continuing to talk to him and accepting things as they were. I know no one believes that, but I do feel that I've gained enough strength over the past two weeks of not talking to him to resist his words. If I do answer, it will only be because I'm curious about what he's thinking and feeling. And then I would just repeat myself that I can't do it anymore because of xyz, and get off the phone. Or I just won't answer at all. We'll see.

 

No one buys this for a minute. Just so you know.

Remember. . You are much like drug addict at this very moment.

"Just one hit. You can handle it, right?"

The reality is this will set you back to possibly where you started.

[lostlove76]

But rest assured, I will not fall back into the trap of continuing to talk to him and accepting things as they were. I know no one believes that, but I do feel that I've gained enough strength over the past two weeks of not talking to him to resist his words. If I do answer, it will only be because I'm curious about what he's thinking and feeling. And then I would just repeat myself that I can't do it anymore because of xyz, and get off the phone. Or I just won't answer at all. We'll see.

 

No one buys this for a minute. Just so you know.

Remember. . You are much like drug addict at this very moment.

"Just one hit. You can handle it, right?"

The reality is this will set you back to possibly where you started.

 

I can see why you/everyone would think this. But I'm 99% sure that won't happen. I see him as a womanizer now, and I don't want to be with a womanizer. And I can't believe anything he says.

 

But I'll give it more thought, and if I feel at all weak to him, I won't answer. I may not answer anyway. If he even calls.

[ragdoll15]

I can see why you/everyone would think this. But I'm 99% sure that won't happen. I see him as a womanizer now, and I don't want to be with a womanizer. And I can't believe anything he says.

 

But I'll give it more thought, and if I feel at all weak to him, I won't answer. I may not answer anyway. If he even calls.

 

The biggest problem I see with that is that when you're weak and at your most vulnerable point of NC, you will almost definitely answer him. Then he'll disappoint you. Then you'll be back to square one. That's why the smartest move is to block.

[lostlove76]

The biggest problem I see with that is that when you're weak and at your most vulnerable point of NC, you will almost definitely answer him. Then he'll disappoint you. Then you'll be back to square one. That's why the smartest move is to block.

 

I guess I feel like I'm past the most vulnerable point, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe thinking that I'm past it actually puts me in a vulnerable position, if that makes sense. If he had called last night, I'm pretty sure I would have answered... and I was feeling pretty vulnerable yesterday, so okay, I see your point. Tonight I feel a lot stronger, for whatever reason. It comes and goes.

 

I bet I just want to answer to hear him say he's sorry and that he loves me. And if he doesn't say those things, then I'll be disappointed, and probably get mad. I'm thinking right now that I probably won't answer. But we'll see.

 

He's bound to quit calling any time now. He tried 5 different nights, 2-3 times per night, for two weeks and was met with nothing but radio silence. Eventually someone would just stop trying and move on. If that happens, I guess I'm okay with it, because I know I need to start moving on too.

[boltnrun]

"I bet I just want to answer to hear him say he's sorry and that he loves me."

 

He's definitely going to say he loves you. And that he's coming to get you next week. And he'll propose marriage. He'll say everything you want to hear. And if that's all it takes to get you back, you'll be back within 5 hours (after you're done fussing at him).

 

But...after he's said all his usual pretty words and you're all aflutter, what happens next? When next week comes and you're still sitting there alone, or he misses a "scheduled" call night and you check his dating site activity and/or his Facebook and see that he's been on the site or commented on or added a new woman...then what?

 

If all it takes is words with no action to make you go running back, what was the point of all of this?