The Ups and Downs of Loving a Commitment-Phobe

[Realitynut]

Oh...and btw. I just went and reread that link I sent you. READ it as HE is the dumper. Because he IS. He left YOU! You are not the dumper...he caused you to now answer your phone...by lying, cheating, etc. etc. So read it as HIM being the dumper.

 

Just so you're clear on that! He dumped you. He is filling HIS HOLE with booze and trashy women.

Do you think so little of yourself, that you would put yourself in that same category as 'booze and trashy women?' Because that is apparently what he prefers.

You have weak borders...and he knows it. That is why he can keep pushing the boundaries...cuz he know you ARE WEAK.

 

You say you're strong. Cuz you went 2 weeks without contact.

 

I have another story for ya. The guy that brought me here...the fiance' guy who was cheating on me?

 

The first month was the easiest. (we lived 4 hours apart) because...like you...I still had hope. The second month I started a deep depression. . I had cried every day for 4 months. EVERY DAY. I was thinking it was 40 days...but I found it here on my journal. It was almost 4 months, and I wrote...I finally didn't cry today. 4 f'ing MONTHS.

 

At 6 months I wrote a list. I still have it on my fridge. From 2011. (I was suppose to have gotten married June 11, 2011)

My list said...Today is the beginning of a new beginning...I will:

 

I suggest you do that. I did MONTHLY lists on getting over him. And what I would do to help myself go on.

 

I would suggest you do weekly list. This week, I will only look at his facebook ONE TIME. I will try to stop obsessing.

 

Things of that nature. I know it's hard to go 'cold turkey'...but baby steps are better than no steps.

 

And other than not answering the phone...you haven't moved forward at all. Still obsessing, and hoping he'll call...cuz that means...HE REALLY DOES LOVE YOU!!! *sigh*

Been there, done that too.

[lostlove76]

You don't sound cruel. I think I started off the NC maybe 70% so I could heal and 30% hoping he would change. Now I've somehow gotten myself into 90% hoping he'll change and 10% hoping to heal and move on.

 

Yes, I'm just speculating, and I hope I'm wrong about my "nightmare scenario" I've come up with. I think it's all of our's worst fear to think that our ex will treat the next girl better. That he'll give more of himself to her. And he might, in the beginning. He was practically perfect to/for me when I first met him. So she would get all the best of him because it would be new and he would be infatuated and on his best behavior. But maybe none of this will happen in the first place. I've done this maaaaaany times before - seen him add someone on facebook and started imagining them together. Not because I'm an overly paranoid individual, but because I know how he is!! He will latch on to anyone and be sweet and feel infatuated. He and I had something more, because it was a bond that developed over two years. But that won't matter to him if he's in the infatuation stage. Back to what I was saying, though, I've done this before. And it turned out to be nothing at all. This girl neighbor of his who I was sure he was with the second he added her. He told me about her, but didn't bother telling me she had a boyfriend (now husband). Just told me he wasn't attracted, but that she wished she could sleep with him. Then there was the coworker girl. The mutual facebook friend from the other day. The list goes on, because he flirts with EVERYONE.

 

As for him being a catch, I hope you are right. But none of that will show itself at the beginning (the broken promises and such) and she won't care that he's an alcoholic because of the way she is. All she'll see is this super-sweet, super-charming, extremely good-looking guy who is interested in her, and she will swoon. I really hope I'm wrong.

 

What will it take, for YOU (and me) to come to YOUR senses?

I really don't know. I was wondering a few minutes ago if I actually still love him, or if I'm just attached/addicted. I loved the sweet guy who told me he loves me. I don't love the womanizer who chases after trashy women. And I have NO clue what he feels anymore, other than that he's kept calling and calling, and he left the one voicemail that he misses me. I doubt he loves me anymore after all this time, but then why call? I get the whole breadcrumb thing, but he just doesn't get anything at all out of calling, being that I'm not there, it's not for sex, he knows I'm not going to agree to anything less than all or nothing, he knows I would tell him he's a horrible person. Keeping me as a backup wouldn't work, and I think he knows that. And it wouldn't do him any good anyhow. So I just don't know why he continues to call.

 

Sorry to ramble so much. These feelings hit me in waves. I'll probably be more okay than this tomorrow.

[lostlove76]

Oh...and btw. I just went and reread that link I sent you. READ it as HE is the dumper. Because he IS. He left YOU! You are not the dumper...he caused you to now answer your phone...by lying, cheating, etc. etc. So read it as HIM being the dumper.

 

Just so you're clear on that! He dumped you. He is filling HIS HOLE with booze and trashy women.

Do you think so little of yourself, that you would put yourself in that same category as 'booze and trashy women?' Because that is apparently what he prefers.

You have weak borders...and he knows it. That is why he can keep pushing the boundaries...cuz he know you ARE WEAK.

 

You say you're strong. Cuz you went 2 weeks without contact.

 

I have another story for ya. The guy that brought me here...the fiance' guy who was cheating on me?

 

The first month was the easiest. (we lived 4 hours apart) because...like you...I still had hope. The second month I started a deep depression. . I had cried every day for 4 months. EVERY DAY. I was thinking it was 40 days...but I found it here on my journal. It was almost 4 months, and I wrote...I finally didn't cry today. 4 f'ing MONTHS.

 

At 6 months I wrote a list. I still have it on my fridge. From 2011. (I was suppose to have gotten married June 11, 2011)

My list said...Today is the beginning of a new beginning...I will:

 

I suggest you do that. I did MONTHLY lists on getting over him. And what I would do to help myself go on.

 

I would suggest you do weekly list. This week, I will only look at his facebook ONE TIME. I will try to stop obsessing.

 

Things of that nature. I know it's hard to go 'cold turkey'...but baby steps are better than no steps.

 

And other than not answering the phone...you haven't moved forward at all. Still obsessing, and hoping he'll call...cuz that means...HE REALLY DOES LOVE YOU!!! *sigh*

Been there, done that too.

 

It somewhat helps to know that I'm not the only one who goes through this, although I really hate that you've had to feel it too! It helps that you can understand, though, thank you.

 

I guess you're right about him being the dumper. I mean, I guess. He would have kept things going for however long just like they were. He WANTED to keep what we had. But it wasn't ENOUGH for me, so I had to break away. He couldn't/wouldn't give more. So I don't know if there even was a dumper/dumpee. It wasn't one of those cases where one of us had lost feelings or anything like that. It was circumstances (distance) and a mismatch of relationship goals, I think. But I'll read the link as if he were the dumper. He IS the one who MOVED.

 

How did you even care enough to make a list and try to get over him? It's like I can't even find it in myself to care, to be honest. I guess that's the depression talking. I'm just numb to everything. Nothing really matters to me right now. Not trying to sound all doom and gloom, just describing what it feels like.

[ThatwasThen]

So I just don't know why he continues to call.

Because that's what he's done before and eventually you picked up. He' just doing what he's always done because it worked.

 

I wish I couldn't care less.

You haven't done any of the mental work you need to do to get yourself out of denial or accept that you are better off without him and that he's not going to change so you need to move on. Once you accept all that, you'll get to the stage of indifference. When you're ready to "couldn't care less" that is when you will start on the road to indifference.

[Realitynut]

I get the 70% NC as moving on and getting over him...because you were angry. As time goes on...your anger dissipates, and missing him comes roaring in. Then it's NC hoping he'll come back. I understand.

 

He's calling because he's had you for an emotional attachment all this time. An emotional attachment via phone calls....that he doesn't have to put any effort in. He can even SKIP days, when he wants to. He doesn't have to take you out for Dinner. He doesn't have to date you. He doesn't have to put ANY physical TIME in to woo you....

All he has to do is call you once in a while....and he's happy.

Every day....and you'd be happy.

 

What kind of a relationship is that? Not a whole one....that's for sure.

 

It's like back in the 1940's and 50's when people had penpals. I'm sure you guys were emotionally attached/addicted/what ever. But love?

 

I doubt it. Tom would say he loved me. But Love does NOT mean you lie to your 'loved' one. Does not speak 'mean' or call names. (mine....) Love is kind.

eh. Just read Notalady's post from a few days ago.

 

I copied and pasted....and put it in my private journal.

 

Yes...I have a private journal....because I'm ashamed of what I put up with...and keep going back for more.

 

I do it...because I keep thinking...hey it's summer...maybe we can go out of town kayaking. Or hiking or....vacation. He even invited me to his family reunion. I keep going back...because I think we're going to be doing SOMETHING.

 

Why do YOU keep going back. What are YOU hoping for. Yes...the guy he use to be....in the beginning. During the infatuation stage.

I get it. Tom was like that for 10 months. I could say or DO anything....and he'd be sweet and charming.

 

Now...everytime I opened my mouth...I irritated him. (or like he said...annoyed)

[lostlove76]

Because that's what he's done before and eventually you picked up. He' just doing what he's always done because it worked.

 

Worked for what, though, like what does he hope to get out of it? Seems like most exes want to keep a girl on the backburner for booty calls, and this is 100% not the case. I believe it's because he values our conversation and he misses me. I don't know if he loves me anymore - I wouldn't think so after all this time. But he KNOWS if we started talking again I would continue to hound him and question him about not seeing other girls. He KNOWS I want all or nothing. I've made such a fuss about it every step of the way that I just find it hard to believe that he thinks I would let it slide. So that's why I wonder what he wants. It's also not a case of him "checking in" a month or two later just out of curiosity, because he's kept up the calling pace from the moment I cut him off.

[Realitynut]

Oh yeah. Tom still says he loves me. (once in a while) I still say I love him.

 

Doesn't mean it's true.

 

Like I said....THIS IS NOT a HEALTHY LOVE. It's an addiction...a fantasy relationship on what had been. And what you hope you could have again. You are living on false hope...and false promises. You are making up scenario's with other woman, that probably isn't even happening.

 

You know what I think? If Tom runs off with that Becky chick again...or a new chick... I think...have at it! It won't work. And if it does...good for them, cuz then it was US that wasn't compatible.

 

Last week some woman contacted him numerous times. He had contacted her about 3 times in the last 3 or 4 years on a dating site. She kept responding "no thanks". (Tom is short, fat and bald) But she joined our paddling club, and saw him in person, and started writing to him on that site. (privately of course)

 

He told her he was in a relationship. She wrote back that she was happy for him.

 

That was last week.

 

Now he's free.

[Realitynut]

He's calling because he's had you for an emotional attachment all this time. An emotional attachment via phone calls....that he doesn't have to put any effort in. He can even SKIP days, when he wants to. He doesn't have to take you out for Dinner. He doesn't have to date you. He doesn't have to put ANY physical TIME in to woo you....

All he has to do is call you once in a while....and he's happy.

Every day....and you'd be happy.

Yes, he misses you. We're not saying he doesn't.

 

We're saying he doesn't MISS you...love you enough to make a commitment to you.

 

And isn't this the whole point of this thread?

[lostlove76]

Why do YOU keep going back. What are YOU hoping for. Yes...the guy he use to be....in the beginning.

 

Yep. The guy he was for the six months before he moved, even. I did get frustrated and upset and worried all the time, but we were really together A LOT, and that's what I miss, and that's what I want back. Since I couldn't have that anymore after he moved, I now miss all the love talk and the emotional connection and the excitement when he called and the hopes of me moving there and being with him again. But that's not really all I want. I want HIM back, in person. I miss touching him and looking at him. It wasn't only about the physical by any means, but I've never been more attracted to anyone in my life. He's physically PERFECT in every way. And he was always so warm and cuddly and affectionate. It makes me cry to think of it, I miss it so much. What's so hard about all of this is that we got along perfectly, we enjoyed every second of our time together, we clicked and connected, things were easy and fun and just felt good, always. There was nothing wrong, other than his unwillingness to commit, and his tendency to withdraw. It's so hard to understand why someone wouldn't want to just get closer when things are that perfect. And I swear that they were (perfect) - it was not my imagination, he felt it too. But he simply WILL NOT or CANNOT commit.

 

I do miss him

[lostlove76]

He's calling because he's had you for an emotional attachment all this time. An emotional attachment via phone calls....that he doesn't have to put any effort in. He can even SKIP days, when he wants to. He doesn't have to take you out for Dinner. He doesn't have to date you. He doesn't have to put ANY physical TIME in to woo you....

All he has to do is call you once in a while....and he's happy.

Every day....and you'd be happy.

Yes, he misses you. We're not saying he doesn't.

 

We're saying he doesn't MISS you...love you enough to make a commitment to you.

 

And isn't this the whole point of this thread?

 

Yes, bingo. I was just writing that before I read yours. Lol @ the huge letters!

[ThatwasThen]

Worked for what, though, like what does he hope to get out of it? Seems like most exes want to keep a girl on the backburner for booty calls, and this is 100% not the case. I believe it's because he values our conversation and he misses me.

So? What if he does value your conversations and he misses you? He does nothing in actions to indicate that he values you enough to make you a committed couple. That's the bottom line. Missing someone and liking to talk to them does not make a partner.

 

I don't know if he loves me anymore - I wouldn't think so after all this time. But he KNOWS if we started talking again I would continue to hound him and question him about not seeing other girls.

Like I said, there may be some fondness there but there is not enough there for him to give up drinking and womanizing. He is who he is.

He KNOWS I want all or nothing.

Yes and he doesn't want that same thing or it would be by now.

 

I've made such a fuss about it every step of the way that I just find it hard to believe that he thinks I would let it slide. So that's why I wonder what he wants.

and he knows that you wonder and he knows that eventually, you will indeed answer his call and then the dysfunctional attachment will start all over once again. You should answer him and tell him straight not to call you anymore because you need to move on from him and knowing he's calling you isn't productive to that end goal. Close. The. Door.

 

It's also not a case of him "checking in" a month or two later just out of curiosity, because he's kept up the calling pace from the moment I cut him off.

So? Answer him and THEN cut him off. Being passive aggressive is just giving him all of your power because he keeps himself in your thoughts. Either Chit or get off the pot my mom used to say. Either end it or get back to the superficial calls that lead to NO WHERE and make that your life because this half-way, passive aggressive stuff isn't working for you, is it? You're still angst ridden and addicted, are you not?

[lostlove76]

What I meant when I said "he KNOWS I want all or nothing" is that he apparently does not want "all" and does not want "nothing" but he knows I'm not going to let it drop. I guess I was just wondering why he would even think I would consider downgrading what we had, given that I've been so adamant about it. I know I let him get away with stuff, but I never let up about it. I let him put off coming to get me, but I made it clear that not doing so in the end (and continuing to talk to him) was not an option. I'm just saying that he can't really think my boundaries are THAT weak could he? No need to answer unless you want to, just explaining what I meant when I said that.

 

I'm surprised you suggested that I answer, but honestly, I was wondering if I do need to do just that (IF he calls again - he may give up now that he can talk to trashy girl). You're right that the passive-aggressive not answering is keeping me angst-ridden and addicted. You are so correct, it is. So before I even read your post I was wondering if I need to just talk to him for a few and find out what he wants and tell him how I feel to get some closure. It's not an excuse to talk to him. I can guarantee I'm not going back to the love-talk, and I d*mn sure ain't gonna be his friend and make chit-chat. I think I just need to hear for myself whether he's any closer to getting us in the same location, him here or me there. I'm all but certain that he isn't, but I think maybe I just need to hear it in order to move on. And then tell him, once again, that I need to move on and not ever talk to him again. I really don't know if this is a good idea or a bad idea, but I'm considering it.

 

Of course now that I'm considering it, he probably won't call again.

[ThatwasThen]

Well, if he doesn't call again then you can stop being angst ridden. If he does call again, you can tell him to stop calling you so you can move on since it's clear you both want different things. Win/Win.

[Realitynut]

Yep....first 10 months...Tom and I didn't have ONE fight. Not one. Now we can't go longer than a few days...and everytime I open my mouth...i'm upsetting him. Or if he upsets me....I go off and try to get over it....! Or I cry. Either way...it makes him mad. Yesterday he said...Is something wrong? He knows there was....he just told me I couldn't go up and pick him up like I had planned. ( a six hour drive) And I had been looking forward to it all week.

 

But anyway...I just answered, No. I'm ok. But when we started walking, he said...I know there is something wrong. I suppose it's something I did again. So when I started telling him what was wrong...I started crying. He said...if you start crying, we're going back to the car. People will think I've been doing something to you.

 

I said, well...you asked.

 

So I had to shut up. Quit crying...and stuff everything back in.

 

He's very emotionally unfeeling. And I'm super sensitive. Both totally opposite on the spectrum. And it sucks.

 

Now...back to you. It seems as if you don't mind him being drunk all the time, because when you guys talked and had that WONDERFUL connection...you were drinking also!

 

Does that send any red flags to you? Neither of you can communicate, unless you've been drinking?

 

I understand the 'first time jitters'. I've had that too. Maybe one drink before meeting someone the first or second time. But not after that....

 

Alcohol is a depressant. Not good if you have anxiety.

[annie24]

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has "facebook stalked" so I'm just gonna put this here. Heck with it. This girl is trashy as all get out. Like seriously TRASHY. And I'm not just saying that. I guess that's how he likes them now. She had a husband as of April, who is now no longer her facebook friend, so maybe they split? But his profile picture is still of him and her and he still lists himself as married. She just moved to same town as my ex guy, don't know if ex?husband did as well.

 

I guess I'm still hanging on to hope, or I wouldn't care. But I do still care.

 

Why would he call me three times tonight and then add her on facebook???

 

Because he's a man and he's trying to have sex/get attention/feel better about himself and he's just scoping out all his options. Don't bother trying to waste your time to figure out why he does this or that. This man has problems and he's not going to act in any sort of logical way. We already know he has alcohol issues, and that may be clouding his judgement as well. Stop trying to make sense of his decisions.

[Realitynut]

Wondering if I need to just talk to him for a few and find out what he wants and tell him how I feel to get some closure. It's not an excuse to talk to him.

 

Ha! you can't fool me. You've already told him how you feel. He KNOWS.

You're hoping he's going to tell you what you want to hear....

And he won't. Or he might! But he won't mean it. Cuz remember...it's only words...it's NOT ACTIONS.

 

All it will do is hurt you more....and keep you on this emotional roller-coaster.

 

ThatWasThen was saying answer the phone. She doesn't believe it will do you any good!!! gee. She just said...answer it because apparently you aren't moving forward by NOT talking to him. If you want to answer it...go ahead. Keep yourself mired in this sh*tty, dead-end relationship.

 

You have 2 choices. You talk to him....and this phone relationship goes on for another year...or two...or forever. You will always be frustrated and unhappy. You will never be with him in person. He is NOT the person he was 2 years ago...so if you did somehow miraculously end up together, it wouldn't be like it was. That ship has sailed!!!

 

OR....you never talk to him again. Or wait MONTHS...when you have moved on...and can sufficiently not be swayed by him...and tell him off. But why? NC is the way to go to heal. IF....he comes by in 6 months with a moving van...says he's sober...and has a ring....then maybe.

 

But I wouldn't count on that.

[ThatwasThen]

I seriously think you should talk to him but I think you should to tell him NOT TO CALL YOU anymore because he doesn't want to commit to you the way you want him to and so the two of you should just go your separate ways and to tell him to stop calling you altogether.

 

If you can't do that, then don't bother calling or answering him.

 

But this passive aggressive ignoring is just driving you nuts and causing you all kinds of "what ifing" and "maybe ifs" which is so, so very detrimental to you ever getting over your addiction to him or this angst you are constantly living with due to him?

[lostlove76]

And I'm super sensitive.

 

I am too. We're women. Not all women are as sensitive to us, but as a gender, it's in our nature to feel emotions. My friend was just saying the same thing about herself yesterday.

 

Now...back to you. It seems as if you don't mind him being drunk all the time, because when you guys talked and had that WONDERFUL connection...you were drinking also!

 

Does that send any red flags to you? Neither of you can communicate, unless you've been drinking?

 

Actually, it was when I was physically in person with him that I needed to be drinking, just to calm my nerves. Over the phone, I was most often fully sober while talking.

 

Alcohol is a depressant. Not good if you have anxiety.

 

Very true! When I drink the night before, it usually (maybe always) makes me feel depressed and anxious the entire next day, and unable to deal with emotions. I didn't drink anything last night at all, but I got zero sleep, which tends to have the same effect for me.

[lostlove76]

Because he's a man and he's trying to have sex/get attention/feel better about himself and he's just scoping out all his options. Don't bother trying to waste your time to figure out why he does this or that. This man has problems and he's not going to act in any sort of logical way. We already know he has alcohol issues, and that may be clouding his judgement as well. Stop trying to make sense of his decisions.

I wanted to ask you guys this about men: Do you think a man, in general, would choose someone hot and trashy, or not as hot (he thinks I'm pretty though, and said I'm hot, but whatever, I'm not hot like THAT by any means) but someone he had an emotional connection with? So a) hot but trashy, or b) pretty enough and great emotional connection? That sounds like I'm trying to steer an answer in a certain direction, but I'm really not. I'm asking your opinions on how important "HOT" is to a guy, and if they'll drop all other requirements simply because she is hot? Just based on guys you know, what you've experienced, general opinion, whatever.

 

he's trying to have sex/get attention/feel better about himself and he's just scoping out all his options

Probably so. I find it disgusting.

[lostlove76]

Wondering if I need to just talk to him for a few and find out what he wants and tell him how I feel to get some closure. It's not an excuse to talk to him.

 

Ha! you can't fool me. You've already told him how you feel. He KNOWS.

You're hoping he's going to tell you what you want to hear....

And he won't. Or he might! But he won't mean it. Cuz remember...it's only words...it's NOT ACTIONS.

 

All it will do is hurt you more....and keep you on this emotional roller-coaster.

 

ThatWasThen was saying answer the phone. She doesn't believe it will do you any good!!! gee. She just said...answer it because apparently you aren't moving forward by NOT talking to him. If you want to answer it...go ahead. Keep yourself mired in this sh*tty, dead-end relationship.

 

You have 2 choices. You talk to him....and this phone relationship goes on for another year...or two...or forever. You will always be frustrated and unhappy. You will never be with him in person. He is NOT the person he was 2 years ago...so if you did somehow miraculously end up together, it wouldn't be like it was. That ship has sailed!!!

 

OR....you never talk to him again. Or wait MONTHS...when you have moved on...and can sufficiently not be swayed by him...and tell him off. But why? NC is the way to go to heal. IF....he comes by in 6 months with a moving van...says he's sober...and has a ring....then maybe.

 

But I wouldn't count on that.

 

I seriously think you should talk to him but I think you should to tell him NOT TO CALL YOU anymore because he doesn't want to commit to you the way you want him to and so the two of you should just go your separate ways and to tell him to stop calling you altogether.

 

If you can't do that, then don't bother calling or answering him.

 

But this passive aggressive ignoring is just driving you nuts and causing you all kinds of "what ifing" and "maybe ifs" which is so, so very detrimental to you ever getting over your addiction to him or this angst you are constantly living with due to him?

 

Yeah, see, I don't know what's going to be best. I'm just considering it. After I posted about it earlier, I started thinking, but do I really want him to stop calling? Because it's made me feel a whole heck of a lot better than radio silence on his end would have. After he moved and we went those 6 weeks NC, I never moved on in the slightest. Soon as he called, I was right back in it. I'd been waiting and hoping he would call, for 6 weeks. It felt hoooooorrible not to hear anything at all from him. So I just don't know. I'll have to think about it. But if he doesn't call again for, say, another week, then at that point there will be no point in answering at all. It's the every-other-day calling that keeps me wondering what he wants. And waiting for the phone to ring.

[notalady]

I wanted to ask you guys this about men: Do you think a man, in general, would choose someone hot and trashy, or not as hot (he thinks I'm pretty though, and said I'm hot, but whatever, I'm not hot like THAT by any means) but someone he had an emotional connection with? So a) hot but trashy, or b) pretty enough and great emotional connection? That sounds like I'm trying to steer an answer in a certain direction, but I'm really not. I'm asking your opinions on how important "HOT" is to a guy, and if they'll drop all other requirements simply because she is hot? Just based on guys you know, what you've experienced, general opinion, whatever.

 

Most men I know would never go for trashy, even when they were teenagers. Hot maybe but not at the expense of emotional and intellectual connection.

 

Some men love trashy, I see it as reflective of who they are (not my type of man).

 

At the end of the day, if someone isn't looking for a long term partner, just short term flings, it's more likely they'll care more about how hot the person is not whether there's a connection.

 

Edit: if someone is really into you, you ARE hot to THEM, and they will tell you as much, whether you are hot by society standards or not is irrelevant.

[annie24]

I wanted to ask you guys this about men: Do you think a man, in general, would choose someone hot and trashy, or not as hot (he thinks I'm pretty though, and said I'm hot, but whatever, I'm not hot like THAT by any means) but someone he had an emotional connection with? So a) hot but trashy, or b) pretty enough and great emotional connection? That sounds like I'm trying to steer an answer in a certain direction, but I'm really not. I'm asking your opinions on how important "HOT" is to a guy, and if they'll drop all other requirements simply because she is hot? Just based on guys you know, what you've experienced, general opinion, whatever.

 

 

Probably so. I find it disgusting.

 

depends on the man. Some men are superficial and only want hot. Some men are looking to settle down, get married, and want a decent woman to be the mother of their children. Nothing of what you've said about this man indicates that he's looking for wifey material. Move along....

[lostlove76]

Those two explanations make sense, thank you. I worry that he'll want a long-term relationship with this trashy girl because maybe deep down he can relate to it, thinking he's a horrible person and having done bad things in life (drugs and such is I guess what he's referring to). Plus I can see how he would get infatuated with her because she's wild and exciting. And he'll feel protective and get to be the hero because she's going through a hard time. But I don't think he would feel any of these things if she wasn't hot. And I think y'all are right that if he was looking for a long-term partner in general, he wouldn't choose this woman with husband baggage and a rough attitude and kids she's choosing to leave behind in order to run off and move. Her social media is plastered in pictures of her in bikinis. Model-type pictures. I want to say this without it ever being found on a Google search, so my wording might sound awkward, but she had a business in which she washes cars in her bikini. I mean how trashy can you actually get?!?!? And then she posted this drunken rant about her husband and wanting to poke a dildo in his eye. I'm just thinking that if he chooses this girl over me, what does that say about ME?? And I don't think she's gonna care about listening to all his stories ten times each and building him up and making him feel good about himself. He said one of the reasons he loves me is because I can have an actual conversation, and another reason is because I'm smart. Yet here he is going after this trashy married woman. All because she's hot.

 

Just venting some more, sorry. It really says a lot about his character that this is who he would choose, whether for a fling or long-term. I guess he's just not the settling down type, and never will be.

[annie24]

I think you should block both of them, so you're not torturing yourself. I swear, I know it hurts, but I think you will feel a lot better if you just block them and focus on your own life. I'm good about blocking/not Facebook stalking, I have to say. Because I look at it this way: either I see that my ex has a new gf and it makes me sad, or I see that he's alone, and then I wonder if he has someone, is seeing someone, misses me, etc... There is no winning. And it's not like he's going to post on Facebook, "I miss my ex, I'm such a loser for letting her go, waaah!!!!!" People never post that on Facebook.

[lostlove76]

I totally agree with your reasoning. I don't know why it's so difficult for me not to look. Maybe because no matter what I've said, I haven't been truly ready to let him go yet. And so I want to know what he's up to. It does hurt, so I really am torturing myself. I guess it feels like my one last connection to him, as well as him trying to call. God it is hard to let go and give up the hope. I'll think about. I've gotta do something other than what I'm doing or I'll never get over him. I can't see his wall at all, btw. Just his friend list. Several months ago when I got mad at him, I deleted him (again) and never added him back, because I was always scared of what I might see. So at least I can't see his posts and likes and such! Thank goodness.

 

I'm wishing he would call tonight so that I could just answer the phone and get closure and get it over with. Then maybe I could move forward. But he won't call since he called last night. He may call tomorrow night, or he may not call for months. I never know. To be fair, it would only be sensible for him to give up, since I've been flatly ignoring him for two weeks.