The Ups and Downs of Loving a Commitment-Phobe

[lostlove76]

I am afraid to respond to your question because you tend to read between the lines and find something to justify holding onto.

I don't want to feel anyway responsible.

 

Okay, I understand. You don't have to answer. No worries. But don't ever feel responsible, please. I absorb everything you guys tell me and then form my own conclusion. I won't have any more or less hope based on anything you guys say. I'm just interested in outside opinions since I can't see it clearly with all my emotions involved.

 

ETA: the one exception to this is being constantly told that he didn't love me or that what we had wasn't real. That really gets to me. But anything other than that is as I stated above.

[boltnrun]

Also, didn't you already tell him? Didn't you say "Come get me on Wednesday or we're through" and he chose NOT to come get you and didn't even call you on that day?

 

So you want to give him YET ANOTHER chance?

 

I'm quoting my own post because you overlooked this one.

 

So even though you were VERY specific about what he needed to do...you want to tell him again? Why?

[lostlove76]

I'm quoting my own post because you overlooked this one.

 

So even though you were VERY specific about what he needed to do...you want to tell him again? Why?

 

Sorry for the overlook.

 

Okay, so I see your point, no need to tell him again as I already told him.

 

And just to be clear, I did follow through. I talked to him one more time after that, but I didn't give in at all. It was over when he didn't come get me.

[reinventmyself]

Sorry for the overlook.

 

Okay, so I see your point, no need to tell him again as I already told him.

 

And just to be clear, I did follow through. I talked to him one more time after that, but I didn't give in at all. It was over when he didn't come get me.

 

Bam! . That's all you need to be clear on right now.

[lostlove76]

Bam! . That's all you need to be clear on right now.

 

Okay!

 

I (obviously) tend to overanalyze every single detail of every single angle of every single thing, feeling like I need to understand it all and be prepared for any possible occurrence, and feeling like I need to know exactly the right thing to do to achieve any desired outcome.

 

Perhaps I need to leave it to him to figure it all out for once.

[reinventmyself]

Okay!

 

I (obviously) tend to overanalyze every single detail of every single angle of every single thing, feeling like I need to understand it all and be prepared for any possible occurrence, and feeling like I need to know exactly the right thing to do to achieve any desired outcome.

 

Perhaps I need to leave it to him to figure it all out for once.

 

I think it's time for you to gather yourself up some and step away from all of this for a moment. You are staying in this perpetual limbo state when you should be otherwise shoring up for what is likely in store for you.

 

Obsessing about someone, even if they aren't present is just another form of staying attached.

 

You ought to start practicing letting go of some of this and detaching. It would be in your best interest.

[lostlove76]

I think it's time for you to gather yourself up some and step away from all of this for a moment. You are staying in this perpetual limbo state when you should be otherwise shoring up for what is likely in store for you.

 

Obsessing about someone, even if they aren't present is just another form of staying attached.

 

You ought to start practicing letting go of some of this and detaching. It would be in your best interest.

 

You're right. And I'm actually doing other things in between all this typing, catching up on some things today and getting things done. And I feel okay today. Not depressed or especially worried, other than the mild guilt over not answering the phone and just wanting to make absolutely positive that it's the right thing to do. Starting tomorrow I'll be helping out with a new project at the place where I work part-time, and I'll be house-sitting in a couple of weeks. So I do have a few other things going on.

[boltnrun]

Those things sound great. It'll do you a world of good.

 

Just out of curiosity...what is your "desired outcome"?

[lostlove76]

Thanks.

 

Well, I do feel a bit pathetic saying this because I probably "shouldn't" take him back after all that has happened, but the optimal outcome would be for him to step it up, show he means it, make it so that we live in the same place wherever that may be, and be a good boyfriend. Which means NO other girls in any way shape or form, and no periods of withdrawal. All the good we had with none of the bad, plus being in the same place.

[boltnrun]

So your desired outcome has nothing to do with wanting to make your life the way you always dreamed it could be? It involves him and only him?

 

So, since your desired outcome is apparently not going to happen...what are you going to focus on now?

[lostlove76]

So your desired outcome has nothing to do with wanting to make your life the way you always dreamed it could be? It involves him and only him?

 

So, since your desired outcome is apparently not going to happen...what are you going to focus on now?

 

I thought you meant my desired outcome in terms of him.

 

As for "apparently it's not going to happen".... it probably won't, but it theoretically could if he feels enough of a loss, right.

 

If it doesn't happen, then I guess my desired outcome would have to be that I eventually get over him and quit caring and become indifferent. Because it's really hard to care about much else while in a state of depression. But I plan to start incorporating things back into my life that I once found pleasurable, work this part-time job when I'm needed, and go from there. Small steps or else I'll overwhelm myself and crash. I have a whole list of things I need to change and work on about myself and in my life. A list that is waaaaaaaay too long and truly scary and overwhelming. So a step at a time is all I can handle at this very moment.

[boltnrun]

I just wanted to point out that if all of your life goals involve him (whether it's reconciling with him or "getting over" him), then he's all your focus is going to be on.

 

Instead, how about making a goal something you've always wanted to do, or something that you already enjoy doing? And I mean one or two things, because it's not helpful to become so overwhelmed that you do nothing at all.

 

For example, I've always wanted to do photography. I'm saving up money so that I can buy a professional camera and lenses. Then I plan to start doing landscape photography. Not to make a living at it, but just for my own pleasure.

 

I also joined JA371's "Alcohol Reduction" challenge. Not because I have an addiction to alcohol, but because it's healthier and better to drink less. I have cut down from a drink every night to a drink 3 nights a week. And I'm sleeping better and my little pot belly is, well, littler. LOL

 

Finally, I need to buy a new car (even though I love my car...but he's getting old). So I am diligently saving for that as well.

 

So...what do you enjoy doing? What would you like to do?

 

Focus on what's important, which is YOU.

[lostlove76]

I just wanted to point out that if all of your life goals involve him (whether it's reconciling with him or "getting over" him), then he's all your focus is going to be on.

 

Focus on what's important, which is YOU.

 

I don't know why I have such a hard time with this. Like I said pages ago, I tend to feel like a relationship with someone you love is THE most important thing in the world, and then everything else falls into place. I do realize that this is completely backwards thinking. It's just how I've always felt. I've always put "the relationship" above all else, unless I wasn't that into the guy (and sometimes even then).

 

Instead, how about making a goal something you've always wanted to do, or something that you already enjoy doing? And I mean one or two things, because it's not helpful to become so overwhelmed that you do nothing at all.

 

I'll have to think up some goals. There are many things that I love doing, that I've put aside to focus on him practically full-time for the past almost two years (ugh, that sounds so bad, but it is what it is). I love to read. I have hundreds of books that I've collected over the years and haven't yet read, just sitting on my shelves, waiting for me to pick them up. I have lots of crafty things I wanted to make and already have the supplies for. Lots of yardwork that needs to be done. Etc etc. I just haven't cared much, because I've either been riding the high when things were good with him, or feeling horrible and worried and depressed.

 

For example, I've always wanted to do photography. I'm saving up money so that I can buy a professional camera and lenses. Then I plan to start doing landscape photography. Not to make a living at it, but just for my own pleasure.

 

This sounds awesome!! You'll get to enjoy lots of pretty scenery

 

I also joined JA371's "Alcohol Reduction" challenge. Not because I have an addiction to alcohol, but because it's healthier and better to drink less. I have cut down from a drink every night to a drink 3 nights a week. And I'm sleeping better and my little pot belly is, well, littler. LOL

 

I need to cut back too! Alcohol really does affect the quality of your sleep. Congrats on making a healthy choice and seeing results

[boltnrun]

Well, like MLK said, take it one step at a time. Don't focus on the entire staircase or you'll quit because you're overwhelmed.

 

How about just picking up ONE book and promising yourself you'll read 10 pages. If you're anything at all like me, you won't be able to stop at 10 pages. I've been known to stay up all night (or day in my case since I work overnight) because I just can't put a book down.

 

Also, I recommend you power down your phone while you're reading. Promise yourself it will only be while you're reading. (Plus most phones recommend you power them down once in a while to keep them functioning properly.) Then, tell yourself you'll turn it back on when you're done reading. That way you won't be looking at it every other paragraph, checking to see if he called. Remember, this is to focus on YOU, not on him!

[reinventmyself]

It was helpful for me, as I was going through my divorce and evolving from being a self less stay at home mom, to making a list.

Much like you have both touched on.

If I could do anything (within reason) what would I want to do?

 

I filled an entire page and then stood back, in shock that - if - I chose to, anyone of those things on my list were attainable. Go figure?!

 

I don't know why it never occurred to me. Probably because I never asked myself.

I was too busy giving to everyone else and feeling sorry myself that my world was so small.

It's all how you choose to look it.

 

So here's your moment, if you choose it, to make some serious changes.

This whole messy thing isn't something that is happening outside of you and outside of your control.

(mind you, you don't have control of his part, just your own)

You can make changes -- if you choose to.

 

So why not get excited about your life? Get excited and actually do something about it.

It is a choice, you know?

[lostlove76]

So why not get excited about your life? Get excited and actually do something about it.

It is a choice, you know?

 

Y'all are giving lots of good ideas and motivation. Maybe I do need to make a list. I make lists all the time and then never look at them again. But just the act of writing something down on paper does help.

 

I think one thing I need to be willing to do is to relinquish "control." Someone here talked about that earlier, and I forget who it was, sorry. It was way back. Might have been you, reinventmyself. I don't remember exactly what was said (sorry again! It's hard to remember everything out of 64 pages). But I think I do feel some sense of control by focusing on the situation with him, and I feel like that's the ONLY way that anything could possibly ever work out. Another mental distortion, I know. So that's one reason I think about it all the time, to the point where I can't even get my mind on reading or anything else that requires full focus. I fear what will happen if I just let go (because what will happen is absolutely nothing at all). So I need to somehow overcome that mental obstacle. I know that the serenity prayer fits into what I'm saying, as someone brought up loooooong ago on this thread.

[reinventmyself]

I had to learn to let go. It didn't come naturally. With practice it gets better and there are alot of rewards by doing so, so it reinforces it.

 

It's funny when you think of it intellectually, we have no control over others to begin with. No wonder it's maddening trying to do the impossible.

Our job is to manage ourselves, not others.

 

But once you really 'get it', have faith and practice it, your world becomes a more peaceful place.

 

When I was going through alot of changes and struggling to let go, I used to go for long walks and when I could catch myself wrestling with something (obsessing) I'd literally open my hands and stretch my arms out as an excersize of letting go. I hope no one was watching, lol. I probably looked like I was trying to fly!

 

But it helped. And it's so freeing now when I catch myself spiralling. I make a choice to let it go. I'm a true believer that things work out the way they are supposed to.

I've lived it! It's not always immediately apparent but I have those moments, after the fact and look back at how things played perfectly without my interference or what I thought was my control.

 

Your perfect ending could very well be that you never, ever hear from him again.

But you'll have to have the patience to try to not need read the end of the book before you read all the chapters.

Just have faith!

[lostlove76]

No wonder it's maddening trying to do the impossible.

YES, it most surely is!!

 

But you'll have to have the patience to try to not need read the end of the book before you read all the chapters.

Just have faith!

Thank you!! I will try to work on this!

 

I'm a true believer that things work out the way they are supposed to.

A lot of people say this, and I guess I don't really get what people mean. You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, because it's kind of a deep question, so please feel free to ignore! Just curious in what way you believe this to be so. Some people believe it in the sense that God has a plan for all of us; I'm agnostic/atheist, so I don't really believe that. It's just one of those things you hear people say all the time, and a lot of people (like yourself) truly believe it, but I've just never really gotten what people meant by it. Again, please feel free to just overlook this question if it's too bogged down for your liking or you don't have time!! Was just curious.

[reinventmyself]

YES, it most surely is!!

 

 

Thank you!! I will try to work on this!

 

 

A lot of people say this, and I guess I don't really get what people mean. You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, because it's kind of a deep question, so please feel free to ignore! Just curious in what way you believe this to be so. Some people believe it in the sense that God has a plan for all of us; I'm agnostic/atheist, so I don't really believe that. It's just one of those things you hear people say all the time, and a lot of people (like yourself) truly believe it, but I've just never really gotten what people meant by it. Again, please feel free to just overlook this question if it's too bogged down for your liking or you don't have time!! Was just curious.

 

Not in a religious sense. .

It's just how the world works. As you already are experiencing, you are wrestling to control the outcome of something. But you only have control over your part. Yes, you can take one step back or a step forward and it may influence the other party to move in either direction. But how exhausting and pointless! Let go. Step back. Besides all the posturing to get a desired response could be considered manipulative.

 

Try not to overthink the concept. It's just allowing everyone find their own way and either they are in alignment with yours or not.

And if they aren't, then they should get out of your way.

Nothing should be this difficult and whenever it is you know you are way off track.

 

All of your obsessing and what if's are forms of control and attachment. You can't read his mind or predict the future, so if not why not stop trying and just let it go!

After all of this and he doesn't show up on your doorstep then it was all for nothing.

 

Let go. Have faith. There are two people in this and you are only responsible for 50%. He hasn't held up his end.

Drop the rope and stop pulling.

[lostlove76]

Okay, I understand what you're saying. That's a great explanation, thank you!!

[lostlove76]

I'm experiencing a very uncomfortable wave of missing him, so thought I would write a little. What happens is that I'm okay the day after he tries to call, because I know he was thinking of me. And then the day after that I feel bad again. He didn't call last night; but he never tries two days in a row when I'm not answering. Eventually he'll stop altogether, because who's gonna keep calling when it gets them nowhere? When I wake up in the mornings, my mind starts picturing him with other women and it feels just awful. It's during those moments between sleep and awareness when you're not really in control of your thoughts, like a half-dreaming state. I know he's probably been with others in the week and a half since I quit talking to him. Such a horrible feeling Anyways, I guess that's what's causing me to miss him so much today. I'm not dwelling on it; it's just this uneasy uncomfortable feeling that's weighing me down. I'm going to work in a couple hours, so maybe that will help.

 

If anyone has any words or strategies for it to bother you less thinking/knowing they're with other girls, I'm all ears

[reinventmyself]

If anyone has any words or strategies for it to bother you less thinking/knowing they're with other girls, I'm all ears

 

Just hang in there, that all.

Know that you are not alone in what you are thinking and feeling. Most everyone who goes through a breakup feels the way you do.

It's never a straight line either. One minute you feel better and the next the rug feels like it's pulled out from underneath you.

Just trust that you need to go through the yucky part to get to the other side.

 

Remember the analogy of a drug addiction. Withdrawals are really painful. So much so a lot of people cant abstain because they just want the pain to stop. Unfortunately, you get to start all over again. I don't know about you but I wouldn't want to start from square one. Once is bad enough.

 

You have a few days under your belt. Consider this progress and reward yourself for it!

Just take it moment by moment and trust that on the other side, you'll be that much better off overall!

[lostlove76]

Just hang in there, that all.

Know that you are not alone in what you are thinking and feeling. Most everyone who goes through a breakup feels the way you do.

It's never a straight line either. One minute you feel better and the next the rug feels like it's pulled out from underneath you.

Just trust that you need to go through the yucky part to get to the other side.

 

Remember the analogy of a drug addiction. Withdrawals are really painful. So much so a lot of people cant abstain because they just want the pain to stop. Unfortunately, you get to start all over again. I don't know about you but I wouldn't want to start from square one. Once is bad enough.

 

You have a few days under your belt. Consider this progress and reward yourself for it!

Just take it moment by moment and trust that on the other side, you'll be that much better off overall!

 

Thank you

 

Thank you so much for the kind support.

[reinventmyself]

 

 

I don't know if anyone has suggested this website to you.

A lot of what she has to say would be helpful to you at this time.

[lostlove76]

I've read it!! I even bought the book