The Ups and Downs of Loving a Commitment-Phobe

[lostlove76]

I obviously didn't read 55 pages of this, but if we are up to page 55 and you still havn't moved to be with him yet - I don't think you ever will.

 

It's been off and on during these 55 pages. It just ended officially one week ago. I thought it was over many times before this, but it wasn't.

[lostlove76]

Johnny, OOPS. I misread what you said. I thought you were saying if I haven't moved on yet, I never will. Sorry. But yeah, the moving there never happened.

[annie24]

Annie, that's not mean at all, and is very good advice. You're completely right that I haven't grown into a full adult. I rely very heavily on my parents for a lot of things, and the rest, I've just convinced myself that I don't really need. Becoming more an "adult" seems so scary to me. Maybe I don't trust myself to handle it. Or maybe I just feel like I would be miserable working a full-time job. I mean, I know I would be miserable. I know there are other people like me out there (who don't love being around other people, prefer to be at home, etc) who have to just suck it up and do it anyway. I'm fortunate to have my parents, but I won't always, and that's scary. So I think I bury my head in the sand.

 

I do feel like most guys wouldn't want someone who isn't self-sufficient. You say men wouldn't care as much, and I hope that's true, but I don't know if it is. I feel like me and this guy were on the same wavelength. He's far ahead of me in life in many regards. He can easily take care of himself. But emotionally, we're kind of in the same place. I've never judged him for it, and I never felt judged by him. However, if it wasn't just an excuse, he did say that the main issue with me coming there is what would I do for a job. I do think he was concerned about that. And rightfully so, I guess.

 

Not to change the subject, but I'm not as depressed today. I miss him though. I wonder if the reason I'm feeling semi-okay is because I'm expecting that there might be a chance of him trying to call tonight. It would be his usual night if we hadn't ended. So I know I'm going to be waiting for it, and it's going to be a huge let-down if he doesn't, because reality will set in again that he's moving on. Most likely he's forgotten all about me by now, don't you think? As I've said a million times, I won't answer if he calls, but if would make me feel better to know that he cared enough to at least try.

 

I guess it depends on your financial situation - if you're a trust fund kid and your parents are wealthy, then no, don't make yourself miserable by getting a full-time job. Go travel, relax, enjoy. If your parents are of modest means, then yes, you need to start thinking about the future - what are you going to do when your parents pass away? Do you have brothers or sisters? How are you going to support yourself in the future? If your parents become disabled, how will you take care of them?

[lostlove76]

I guess it depends on your financial situation - if you're a trust fund kid and your parents are wealthy, then no, don't make yourself miserable by getting a full-time job. Go travel, relax, enjoy. If your parents are of modest means, then yes, you need to start thinking about the future - what are you going to do when your parents pass away? Do you have brothers or sisters? How are you going to support yourself in the future? If your parents become disabled, how will you take care of them?

 

Yeah, no trust fund or wealthy parents here by any means. I do need to think about the future. You're making very valid points.

[annie24]

Yeah, no trust fund or wealthy parents here by any means. I do need to think about the future. You're making very valid points.

 

Most people don't work full time jobs because they love their jobs, but because they need to pay the bills and eat and clothe their children. Even if they love their jobs, most people would rather be at the beach, sure. It's good that you have your parents, because you can work full time, save up money, and really be in a good position for your future. A lot of people don't have parents they can fall back on and thus, they really have to work several jobs to support themselves.

[lostlove76]

I know. I hate that I've gotten myself in this position. I started working when I was in high school, moved out of the house when I was 21 I think, went to college off and on. Lived with a boyfriend at 24/25, worked full time. Broke up with him and moved back home, developed worsening anxiety over the years, etc etc blah blah. Without giving my whole life story I'll say that I started off with good intentions and then somehow backtracked, and now here I am. They say necessity is the mother of invention, and I've just not HAD to do anything about any of this yet. But I'm going to be in for a world of hurt if that time comes and I haven't made any progress. I'm aware of all this, and it scares me to death - so I avoid. I know it's time to start thinking about the future, as much as I wish I didn't have to.

[annie24]

you can't avoid forever. Can you get into therapy? I really think it will be helpful.

[lostlove76]

Well he just tried to call. I feel guilty for not answering. But he DID do wrong things, right? So no need to feel guilty? Reminder to self: he's been on the dating site, told me about some other girl, and bailed out yet again on me moving there. Never answered when I called or texted. Sometimes didn't call for days. Hasn't made any effort to come see me. And I didn't just leave him hanging - my text last week was very clear about why I couldn't talk to him anymore.

[annie24]

Well he just tried to call. I feel guilty for not answering. But he DID do wrong things, right? So no need to feel guilty? Reminder to self: he's been on the dating site, told me about some other girl, and bailed out yet again on me moving there. Never answered when I called or texted. Sometimes didn't call for days. Hasn't made any effort to come see me. And I didn't just leave him hanging - my text last week was very clear about why I couldn't talk to him anymore.

 

You've done the right thing. Don't forget that.

 

I also bring up the full-time job thing because I think having something else to fill up your time will help you. Even if it's stocking shelves or doing something mindless, it would be 40 hours a week that you had to think about something else other than this guy.

[lostlove76]

I hear you on the job. This part-time job is more than I was doing before, so I'm easing into things.

 

I'll try not to feel guilty. I had to do what I had to do (drop him). He'll probably just call the next number on his list since I didn't answer. All trust is gone. I don't even trust his intentions. I'm glad he tried to call, but he could try harder after all the turmoil he's caused. He could at least text me that he's sorry.

[notalady]

Do you have a purpose or goal in life? Because it seems like you honestly have nothing better to do than sit around and mope after this guy and feel like your world is caving in just because one individual (not a good one mind you), is leaving you. I think you need better things to fill up your life with and give your life some meaning.

 

When I used to go through break ups, sure it felt like s**t for a while, but I go to work, where I focus on something I enjoy doing and feel like I'm achieving something and contributing to the world, and I socialise with people at work and outside of work. Life felt better because I had other things going on. And slowly you move on as become more and more focused on other things and less focussed on the break up, and eventually become indifferent. I can't see how that can happen when you life revolves around this guy.

[lostlove76]

I hate to keep reminding everyone that it's only been a week since it ended, but it has. Even if I was occupied every second of the day, I doubt I would be any less hurt. More likely, I would have a hard time functioning wherever I was.

 

I do hear what you guys are saying though. I do see it, and I do understand, and I do agree even if it's not especially what I want to be doing or thinking about at the moment.

[notalady]

Sorry if I sounded harsh, I think it just seems like you're still more focused on how to get him back than focusing on moving on, is all. And we're trying to say, there are more important things for you to focus on. It's your life that's more important than this guy after all.

[lostlove76]

Thanks, it's okay. I know you're trying to help. I know I'm still too focused on him, but I really think it's just going to gradually wear off with time, and then I'll feel better and be more able to focus on other things a little at a time. Right now I'm realizing that maybe for the first time, I easily resisted his call solely because I know he's not good for me. In the past when I didn't answer it was because I was mad at him, or upset, or being stubborn. Then when the anger wore off I gave in and answered. Right now I'm not feeling that anger and I was still able to not answer, even though I do miss him. So maybe that's progress. I can't promise I'll keep feeling like this, but at the moment, I'll take it as a good thing. I do still wish he would try harder. But since he isn't, I just feel like his call means very little. So I'm not going to spend time feeling too guilty about it. If he wants to man up and figure out how to apologize because he doesn't want to lose his supposed soulmate, then he can do that. But one call is just a breadcrumb and I'm not falling for it this time.

[lilygirl]

Well he just tried to call. I feel guilty for not answering. But he DID do wrong things, right? So no need to feel guilty? Reminder to self: he's been on the dating site, told me about some other girl, and bailed out yet again on me moving there. Never answered when I called or texted. Sometimes didn't call for days. Hasn't made any effort to come see me. And I didn't just leave him hanging - my text last week was very clear about why I couldn't talk to him anymore.

 

Another step in the right direction, good for you.

 

And yes, he has done many wrong things. Time to protect yourself from more "wrong things."

[lostlove76]

Another step in the right direction, good for you.

 

And yes, he has done many wrong things. Time to protect yourself from more "wrong things."

 

Thank you!!

[lilygirl]

Thank you!!

 

You are welcome. Hang in there.

[boltnrun]

You've pinned your entire life on this man. I guess he was supposed to be your hero, your rescuer, your caretaker. Or maybe you were supposed to be his caretaker.

 

But now that he's (rightfully) gone, you have nothing.

 

Do you feel like you have nothing?

 

Are you going to continue to have nothing, or are you going to do something about it?

[lostlove76]

I guess I'll have to do something about it. Right now I'm feeling kind of bummed. I thought it would make me feel better if he called, but now I feel bad again because he only tried once. Which to me means he doesn't really care. I know that's a ridiculous way to feel, but it's just how I feel.

[boltnrun]

Do you still think blocking him is a bad idea?

[notalady]

I guess I'll have to do something about it. Right now I'm feeling kind of bummed. I thought it would make me feel better if he called, but now I feel bad again because he only tried once. Which to me means he doesn't really care. I know that's a ridiculous way to feel, but it's just how I feel.

 

Just like an addict, you thought just another hit will help you feel better, then you feel like that's not enough to feel good anymore, you need more hits to get the same feeling.

 

And just like an addict, you refuse to quit your drug (blocking him).

 

I've heard for drug, alcohol, nicotine, gambling etc addicts, it take losing everything and everyone (or close to it) to truly wake them up to the fact that they have a problem and to get on the path of quitting. They might fall off their path but they keep trying and many eventually succeed in staying away from their drug. To me, you haven't started on this path yet, you're still indulging and wanting more hits. If only there's unlimited hits, it wouldn't have been a problem, right...?

[boltnrun]

"We met mid-summer 2014 and clicked right away. During the first nine months, he would only call us "friends" "

 

THIS is where I got this from! It's from your original post.

 

I thought I had read somewhere that it wasn't a solid two year relationship. And here it is.

 

Again, not trying to beat up on you, just pointing out that you are very, very good at remembering things the way you want them to be.

 

Plus, the over 7 months since you last laid eyes on him.

 

Also, when he told you about the woman with cancer, wasn't his response that he "kisses lots of women"?

 

Yet, because you don't seem to want to have anything or anyone else in your life, you're willing to completely overlook this if he texts that he's "sorry"?

 

Honestly...are you just wanting to throw in the towel of not talking and just start talking to him again? Or do you truly want to do the hard work of getting your life the way you would like it to be?

 

If you'd like to make changes, I believe continuing to stay strong and blocking his number is the best way to go. Taking him back (such as it is) will keep you stuck. Perhaps for years, until you're in your 50s or 60s.

 

Oh, and stay off that dating site! Doesn't seeing his constant activity hurt you? And if it does, WHY do you want to keep hurting yourself???

[lostlove76]

Bolt, I don't want to block him. Notalady, that's exactly what it feels like, a hit. And you're RIGHT, if I had gotten enough while we were together, it would not have been a problem. It wouldn't even have been an addiction if not for all the withholding that he did and insecurity he created.

 

He did try calling once more last night. It still wasn't enough. I feel stupid saying that. But after everything he did and all the pain he caused, I would like to see him make more effort. After all, he lost his "soulmate" (I put it in quotes because you guys doubt his sincerity on that, and I guess I'm only doubting it because he's not trying harder now). He used to try harder. But I guess I can't really expect him to keep on and on while I'm completely ignoring him. I don't even feel like he misses me. I feel like he just called because he was bored. No way to know, though.

[lostlove76]

Bolt, in reply to your last post: I call it 2 years on/off, but I've been hooked on him for the entire two years. I see your point though. As for blocking and staying off the dating site - honestly, him calling makes me feel a teeny tiny bit better. It's not enough, but it's something. And while seeing him on the site makes me feel bad, it strengthens my will not to answer. If I had no clue that he had been on there all week, I might have answered last night, thinking that maybe we could work things out. But knowing that he's all over that stupid site and talking to lord knows how many girls, I knew better than to answer the phone. I wouldn't overlook anything with a "sorry" but it sure would feel nice to hear. That's the least he could do! I'm not throwing in the towel. I feel strong for not answering last night (another reason not to block). Now he'll see I was serious and that he messed up. I'm not going to be one of many girls. I put up with a lot and forgave a lot, but hearing about cancer girl was the nail in the coffin.

[ThatwasThen]

I will always defend it, because I know how it was. No one else could possibly know. You all know tons of details, but no one was there with us, and no one knows him. If you could see/hear our interactions, you would know.

This ^ is denial at its highest. You did not have "love" what you had was lust and infatuation for an alcoholic who is happy to be living on his own so now he can get his drink on without outside interference. You had denial and red flag ignoring... you had a sexual attachment that became an obsession and it only lasted less then two years wherein he forsake it all for the single life and booze. Your "connection" was superficial and you are still stuck in "Limerence." (there's something else for you to read. Google Limerence and read the Wiki link to it)

 

When you accept the things you cannot change, you will start to stop obsessing over him and the brief encounter in your life.

BTW: Everyone has a good honeymoon period. It's after that wanes and you have a more mature and calm love that you know it's actually "love." Love is an action word, LL. What actions did he actually show you that he loved you. Sex is not an action of love, it's simply a natural urge. It's something two people who love one another do but its not an action of love. Having a friend over to drink and listen to music is nice but its what most friends do with one another and it's understandable that you miss something that bought you pleasure but in order to move on, you have to get to the stage of acceptance that it was what it was and do the mental work you need to do to stop idolizing it. Yes, that takes time but defending it just keeps you mired in the pain you're currently in.