The Ups and Downs of Loving a Commitment-Phobe

[lostlove76]

What are you doing about your debilitating anxiety? I can't recall - are you seeing a therapist?

 

Not yet. The *debilitating* part comes and goes. Like this week and next, I'm doing a little work (just a couple things I do - I don't want to say what they are, only because I don't want any identifying details about myself here). One of the main things I know about my anxiety is that it's hugely affected by things like adequate sleep and eating regularly. So I'm trying to get 8 hours sleep a night and eat enough if I have to go out somewhere. Which is difficult. I have trouble sleeping. I have to take benadryl every night and I'm still awake all night.

 

Situational depression also affects my anxiety... so if I'm depressed and worried about him, it causes more general anxiety. Right now I'm neither depressed nor worried, which is good. I really need to not allow myself to get in that state again. I seriously do it to myself, as I described above. When he doesn't call, I spend a lot of time thinking negatively, trying my best to detach my heart from him, assuming the worst case scenario, imagining that he's cheating, getting angry and thinking he doesn't care about me, etc etc etc. If I could just chill and ride through the days we don't talk without having these huge abandonment issues take over, I would be soooooo much better off. And he ALWAYS calls again soon enough, and he ALWAYS has exactly the same feelings and loves me just as much (I know people don't believe he loves me, but I am 100% certain of his sincerity, so people will just have to trust that I know what I'm talking about. I could write an essay about how I know, but seems pointless). Also, if I wasn't so stubborn, I could just call him when he's not calling me. Yeah, he's not answered on occasion, but he has on other occasions. And I only ever try once and then get mad when he doesn't call back. He'll call me 10-20 times in a row if I'm not answering. So I could drop my stubbornness and put in equal effort, perhaps. But I guess I'm going off on a tangent, sorry!

 

So, yeah....

1. Get enough sleep (absolutely crucial)

2. Make sure I eat enough before I go out anywhere (for some reason getting too hungry causes anxiety - something to do with blood sugar maybe?)

3. Try not to allow myself to fall into this negative-thinking and catastrophizing every time he doesn't call

Be careful how I frame things in my mind - ex: if he doesn't answer the phone, I start thinking "He doesn't care about me, he's cheating, we're over"

4. I've been doing a little work, like I said, which gets me out of the house and earning a little money. I go when I'm needed (it's just a part-time thing). Also need to stay busier during the day, be more active (great time to start doing yardwork).

[kara025]

I can feel your anxiety through your posts and while its good to see that you are trying to help yourself, its also a bit cringe-worthy since you seem to go round and round in circles.

 

Anyways, a quote that has always helped me cope with my anxiety is: GRATITUDE is the antidote to ANXIETY.

 

Try this the next time you feel anxious about this guy: sit down and write all the lovely things he does do for you or how great he makes you feel. Use a nice journal that you love the feel of and your favorite pen. And really ruminate on the happy thoughts and how your body feels, how your breath feels, and even how colors around you look when you are expressing gratitude. Do this for at least 15 minutes. This technique has really helped me put a lid on my anxiety. Try it for 2 weeks.

[lostlove76]

I can feel your anxiety through your posts and while its good to see that you are trying to help yourself, its also a bit cringe-worthy since you seem to go round and round in circles.

 

Anyways, a quote that has always helped me cope with my anxiety is: GRATITUDE is the antidote to ANXIETY.

 

Try this the next time you feel anxious about this guy: sit down and write all the lovely things he does do for you or how great he makes you feel. Use a nice journal that you love the feel of and your favorite pen. And really ruminate on the happy thoughts and how your body feels, how your breath feels, and even how colors around you look when you are expressing gratitude. Do this for at least 15 minutes. This technique has really helped me put a lid on my anxiety. Try it for 2 weeks.

 

Thank you so much for this. I'm actually having a really hard day, so I'll try this tonight when I get some free time.

[Silverbirch]

Big Hug to you LostLove. I started a similar thread to this a couple of years ago that went for 18 pages. When I look through it now, I get tearey. I think I was trying to jump through hoops to make the relationship work because I loved him so much and still do. Went on and off for years. I'm not over him, but from time to time, I do see other men about who I think are far more capable of relationships with genuine intimacy.

 

I thought I was different, that I loved him enough to make it work. I even learnt how to play on his commitmentphobia knowing that he would come back sooner or later. Unfortunately, that meant there was nothing real for me.

[Silverbirch]

Ps re driving anxiety, I used to have that a long time ago. So glad I don't have it anymore. I had therapy and medication and with experience and my confidence grown, being able to drive changed my life.

[lostlove76]

Hi Silverbirch. Thanks so much for your kind messages. I'm sorry you've had to go through this too. It's absolutely heartbreaking. I haven't updated in a while. I've had a really rough week. I've been working a temp job and running on maybe 1-2 hours of sleep a night. My guy has called the past 5 nights in a row, for the first time ever, aside from the very first month and a half we were together. I've been trying to get him to call every day for over a year, and he always stuck rigidly to the every other day schedule. Now he's finally calling more. Last week he was calling two days on, one day off, repeat. This week it was almost every day. Just SUCH bad timing, because I needed to be sleeping when he called, and so I couldn't talk long. But whatever. The main problem is that he mentioned a new female coworker, and I've conjured up this whole imagined threat in my mind. When he first mentioned her I didn't say anything because I didn't want to sound clingy and jealous. He trained her during his shift and then they walked to the nearby bar for drinks after work. He then went home and called me, and mentioned it amongst the other happenings of his day. I worried about it for two days until last night, when it all came out at him for three straight hours. He had again trained her and they went to the bar afterwards again. He texted me from the bar to see if I was awake and went home and called me, which is good, I was on his mind. But I was still worried, so I asked him if I need to be concerned. He said it's not like that, she's just a coworker/friend, he'd have done the same if it were a male coworker. Said he loves me and only me. Said yes we're exclusive. Said he's not hooking up with anyone else and won't. But I just couldn't let it go, because I had already pictured this awful scenario where he starts having feelings for her and forgets about me. Then I started fussing at him for all the things he's done in the past. I told him I can't trust him or feel secure, and that I wish he could be a normal boyfriend. Fussed at him for not having come to get me yet. I was crying and upset and two seconds away from breaking up with him. I was looking for any reason to drop him. I'm always always on guard, because I'm so scared he's going to break my heart again. He said "I love you" probably 30 times, and I said it back only three or four times, because I was feeling so guarded. And he really didn't do anything wrong, ya know? He's been calling more, he's very patient and loving and reassuring, I'm fairly certain he hasn't cheated. He listened to me cry and let me vent it all out to him and stayed on the phone talking until I had to try to get some sleep. I feel awful about it, and yet I'm still worried he's going to fall for the coworker and never come get me. It's sooo hard with him there and me here. He keeps saying how much he misses me, but then he never comes to get me because he works so much and drinks so much. And he's really not saying that he's scared, but like I've said before, I'm guessing that he is. He says he's ready and wants me there.

 

I texted him this morning saying I was sorry and that I love him. No reply, he rarely/never replies to texts. So I called him twice this evening and he didn't answer. Last night he told me to call him. He has to work overnight shift, so I'm sure he won't call back. And now I get to feel guilty and worried until we talk again.

 

Just don't know what to do. There's no good solution. I can drop him, this person that I love so deeply, and banish him from my life forever. Or I can keep doing this, feeling up and down all the time no matter what he does or doesn't do. I'm so afraid that he's going to break my heart that he doesn't really even have to do anything wrong for me to start feeling bad, because I just imagine it happening and there ya go. It's not fair to him when I treat him like I was last night. Nor is it fair to me that he won't come get me like he keeps saying. Yet we love each other and neither of us wants to lose each other, so what to do? There's just no way to arrive at consistent happiness.

[lostlove76]

Ps re driving anxiety, I used to have that a long time ago. So glad I don't have it anymore. I had therapy and medication and with experience and my confidence grown, being able to drive changed my life.

 

Mine come and goes. I'll go for years being hardly able to drive anywhere, and then I'll be confident enough at other times to handle more situations. I have no problem on quiet roads, but busy traffic and long waits at red lights are what get to me. So glad to hear you overcame yours. I know it wasn't easy!!

[Silverbirch]

Mine come and goes. I'll go for years being hardly able to drive anywhere, and then I'll be confident enough at other times to handle more situations. I have no problem on quiet roads, but busy traffic and long waits at red lights are what get to me. So glad to hear you overcame yours. I know it wasn't easy!!

 

Will reply to your earlier post soon. This sounds so weird, but for me it was almost like a form of agoraphobia. I would be filled with panic at the thought of making a right hand turn onto oncoming traffic (we have right hand steering here). Large trucks behind me or beside me make me feel shakes with claustrophobia. It's been controlled on antidepressant, also another different type of drug initially, but I need to think of the name. Changed my life. If I go off the medication, unfortunately, that problem comes back, otherwise I usually LOVE driving.

[Silverbirch]

LostLove, I don't know if you will identify with any of this, but posting link to that thread which is a couple of years old. We never ended up living together, but I am THRILLED to say that I bought my own home last year, and moved a couple of hours away to a country town I love. He visits every couple of months, sometimes saying he wants to move here, but when there was a good possibility of employment for him here, he picked that apart saying it wouldn't work.

 

We have all types of things happen these last couple of years - both of us being diagnosed with cancer. Mine is easily treatable and I won't die from it if I get regular tests and treatments. Unfortunately, he developed non-Hodgkins lymphoma, had full chemo and been in remission, but only today has sudden illness so is always a worry it will come back.

 

some things between us not quite as you and your BF - neither of us drink. If I get upset and cry, he can't handle it at all would get either angry or walk away. I've had times if worrying about other women as I think he is exceptionally handsome. Have had a woman come onto him in front of me, and I felt like a total madwoman inside, but managed to hide it. There's no way he would tell me 30 times that he loved me. Even saying I live you most of the time for him is like having a large tooth removed without anaesthetic.

 

Even by his own admission, he is commitmentphobe and avoidant personality, and it affects many areas of his life. It's no party a lot of the time. Part of me wishes I got out a long time ago. I don't feel I can go on for rest of my life like this - there are other interested in me - not even through online dating or singles events - just meeting people in everyday life.

 

Anyway, I hope you can get some rest and peace. I get where you are coming from

 

 

[lostlove76]

Will reply to your earlier post soon. This sounds so weird, but for me it was almost like a form of agoraphobia. I would be filled with panic at the thought of making a right hand turn onto oncoming traffic (we have right hand steering here). Large trucks behind me or beside me make me feel shakes with claustrophobia. It's been controlled on antidepressant, also another different type of drug initially, but I need to think of the name. Changed my life. If I go off the medication, unfortunately, that problem comes back, otherwise I usually LOVE driving.

 

That's EXACTLY how mine feels, as well. At red lights I feel trapped, because I know I can do nothing but wait for the light to change. I've been on antidepressants before, and it only helped minimally with the driving. Some times are way worse than others - if I haven't gotten enough sleep, haven't eaten recently enough, feel depressed, etc. I'm so glad that you got your under control!

[Silverbirch]

The other med that helped was Inderal. These days it's not used often as anti-depressant. But I was told in years past, it was used successfully for veterans suffering post-traumatic shock disorder. Changed my life. I'm not reliant on it any more but during extreme stress will sometimes take it.

[Silverbirch]

Other med is Fluoxetine. Apparently I am on high dose.

[Silverbirch]

The other thing that helped was trying to ground myself in the present - you don't have to concern yourself with what might happen a block away, just that present moment. God it was horrible, my knees would shake.

[Silverbirch]

Someone said to me that it's "the fear of the unknown". I'm usually a bit nervous when I go somewhere new but it isn't debilitating like it used to be.

[lostlove76]

LostLove, I don't know if you will identify with any of this, but posting link to that thread which is a couple of years old. We never ended up living together, but I am THRILLED to say that I bought my own home last year, and moved a couple of hours away to a country town I love. He visits every couple of months, sometimes saying he wants to move here, but when there was a good possibility of employment for him here, he picked that apart saying it wouldn't work.

 

Thanks for the link. I'll definitely read through it when I get a chance! So are you two currently in an exclusive relationship? Do you think he'll ever move there to be with you, or will he always find reasons not to? Do you find yourself hanging on to the hope of what could be? Congrats on buying your own home, that is wonderful.

 

We have all types of things happen these last couple of years - both of us being diagnosed with cancer. Mine is easily treatable and I won't die from it if I get regular tests and treatments. Unfortunately, he developed non-Hodgkins lymphoma, had full chemo and been in remission, but only today has sudden illness so is always a worry it will come back.

So very sorry to hear this - I hope you have continued health, and I hope that he will be okay.

 

some things between us not quite as you and your BF - neither of us drink. If I get upset and cry, he can't handle it at all would get either angry or walk away. I've had times if worrying about other women as I think he is exceptionally handsome. Have had a woman come onto him in front of me, and I felt like a total madwoman inside, but managed to hide it. There's no way he would tell me 30 times that he loved me. Even saying I live you most of the time for him is like having a large tooth removed without anaesthetic.

Your bf sounds typical of most avoidants. I feel very appreciative and lucky and grateful that mine is so verbal with the I love you's and so patient and understanding and forgiving, and that he doesn't run away when I cry and fuss and get upset. He's always stressed that he hates to argue, and yet he sticks with me through all of my moods. He's always apologizing for everything, always taking all the blame. His good parts are REALLY good, and that's why it's so hard to walk away. He said it's a very hard thing for him to love someone and to say it, and yet he goes above and beyond in telling me how he feels.

 

I feel terrible for fussing so much, especially since he's really done nothing wrong recently. He's been really good for a while now. And yet here I am grilling the heck out of him and accusing him of things and fussing at him for hours. He's finally started calling more, and this is what I do. I just have so much resentment and distrust built up inside. And I'm so sooo frustrated that we're so far apart and nothing is being done about it, despite him insisting all the time that he wants me there.

 

Now I'm highly concerned about this coworker, and I can't get it out of my head. I just know that he's going to start liking her and they'll get closer and closer, and he'll no longer want me. She's there and I'm not. I should try kara's suggestion above, but I'm afraid that the second I let my guard down and start allowing myself to feel good about him, I'll get blindsided when he inevitably leaves me for his coworker. And if he wouldn't have before, he certainly will now, since I made our last conversation so unpleasant. I can't imagine he'd be feeling very close to me right now. I myself feel a huge disconnect, and seems like he would be feeling it too. All I can do is wait and see if he calls tomorrow night. He won't call tonight because he's working overnight shift again. I don't know whether to be angry that he didn't call back last night, or just chalk it up to him having a bad day, or accept that I probably deserve it after how I was treating him last time we talked.

 

Even by his own admission, he is commitmentphobe and avoidant personality, and it affects many areas of his life. It's no party a lot of the time. Part of me wishes I got out a long time ago. I don't feel I can go on for rest of my life like this - there are other interested in me - not even through online dating or singles events - just meeting people in everyday life.

I feel the same as you - I can't keep going on like this. It's a horrible way to live. You're lucky that you have other options. I don't get out much, and I can't imagine being the least bit interested in anyone else anyhow. I feel like once I drop him, I will just be alone for the next several years. But I can't keep dealing with the constant heartache - some of which he is causing, and some of which I'm doing to my own self. Part of me thinks what's the point in even continuing to talk if we're never going to be together in the same place? But another part of me hangs onto that hope that one day we will be, and why give up the extremely close and loving emotional connection and wonderful conversations that we have? I'm just not equipped to deal with the uncertainty of it all, I guess, and I can't keep my moods even keel. ALL I want is to be with him. Right now I don't know if his feelings are the same, or if he's finally fed up with the fussing, or if his thoughts are on his coworker. He spent a lot of time convincing me there was nothing to be worried about, but I AM worried.

 

Anyway, I hope you can get some rest and peace. I get where you are coming from

Thank you so much.

[Silverbirch]

Hi LostLove. About to go cycling for a few hours so just quick reply. I'm not involved with anyone else though a couple men interested. I haven't seen him a couple of months, and he said things to the effect a couple of weeks ago that we are just friends and always have been. We should catch up a couple of times a year. He said no point in regular phone calls as he has nothing to say. He had been here a couple of weeks before telling me how much he loves me and misses me. I was too upset to talk, and know that even engaging in such discussions messes up my head. He started calling me last night saying he was feeling very sick. I gave him telephone numbers of doctor he can call who does home visit.

 

I'm meeting up with a neighbour - man, going cycling and touring of the town. I know he is keen on me. I have told him that I am not over somebody else but would be interested in neighbour friendship. He seems like a really nice guy. I am just getting to know him, and being very clear about that.

[lostlove76]

Hi LostLove. About to go cycling for a few hours so just quick reply. I'm not involved with anyone else though a couple men interested. I haven't seen him a couple of months, and he said things to the effect a couple of weeks ago that we are just friends and always have been. We should catch up a couple of times a year. He said no point in regular phone calls as he has nothing to say. He had been here a couple of weeks before telling me how much he loves me and misses me. I was too upset to talk, and know that even engaging in such discussions messes up my head. He started calling me last night saying he was feeling very sick. I gave him telephone numbers of doctor he can call who does home visit.

 

I'm meeting up with a neighbour - man, going cycling and touring of the town. I know he is keen on me. I have told him that I am not over somebody else but would be interested in neighbour friendship. He seems like a really nice guy. I am just getting to know him, and being very clear about that.

 

That sounds just terrible, the way this guy is playing with your mind and heart. I don't know why guys do this, I really don't. It's so cruel. I hope you had fun cycling. It's probably nice to have male attention, even if you aren't ready for more. Maybe something more will come of it down the road. I'm not going to tell you to drop the one you love and give this other guy a chance, because I know you can't help what's in your heart. You sound like a really sweet person, and I hope you do one day find the love you deserve. Hugs.

 

I'm still feeling really sad today. I can't promise that I'll stick with this, but I've told myself that if he doesn't call tonight, I'm done. He was doing so much better lately with the calling, but I feel like I ruined it by continuing to be suspicious and negative and emotionally shut down. It feels like it's been a while since we've been super close, and that's my fault. He was stepping it up and making more effort, and I just kept pushing him away. I can't get this female coworker out of my head, and I've convinced myself that he's going to drop me for her. I'm also upset that he ignored my text and calls on Friday. I somewhat blame myself, since I did nothing but fuss at him the last time we talked; so maybe he's upset with me for that, and that's why he didn't answer. But he probably would have ignored anyway, considering all the times he's done it in the past. So all the progress he made in the past few weeks of calling more got us nowhere, due to my inability to be open and emotionally close and positive, and him ignoring me yet again.

 

I really don't know if it's his fault or my fault that things aren't improving - both, I guess - but either way, I just can't keep living like this. Missing him is terribly painful. Even if I never saw him again, I would rather keep him in my life emotionally with the phone calls IF I could count on him to be consistently available, which I can't. Phone calls are better than nothing. But I miss seeing him and holding him and being with him. So if he's never going to fulfill his promises of coming to get me, and he's not going to be consistent and reliable, and I'm not going to be able to trust him and be sweet and positive and close when we talk, then I guess I need to cut him off now, as much as it's going to hurt. I'm scared to do that because I worry it will just push him towards the female coworker, but that could happen even if we did keep talking.

 

I just want the pain to go away, and it seems that no matter what I do, that's not going to happen. It's still going to hurt, for a long long time. I love this guy with all my heart and soul. I don't know what's going to hurt worse - not having him at all, or only having parts of him. I honestly don't think I'll ever love anyone else again, or come anywhere close to the kind of bond that we have, or even be attracted to anyone else again. Sorry to sound so negative, but this is how I feel. I'm crying as I write this.

 

There's no reason he can't call tonight, so if he doesn't, that's it. Not sure yet whether I'll just ignore him from here forward or try to talk to him about it or just send a text if and when he calls saying that I gave it enough chances and now I'm done. If he does call tonight, then I don't know. I don't want to drop him. I want things to be okay. But I don't know if I can even allow myself to open back up to him and have a good conversation. I'm so full of distrust and resentment and suspicion.

 

So is it me who ruined things, or him? For some reason, this is important to me to know this. I hate to be the one who ruined it, when he was finally stepping things up and we could have progressed to a new level. Maybe it's just too little too late, for me.

[Silverbirch]

I'm sorry that you are in so much pain right now. Just give yourself some time. Go do things you like and seek out family and friends whose company you enjoy. I feel so much better from the time I spent outdoors yesterday.

 

I got text last night from both men. The avoidant one has been sick and texted to say he is feeling much better. In times gone by, I would likely have driven down to see and care for him. I don't think that is appropriate anymore, especially when he has a grown-up daughter living with him.

 

You don't have to wait as long as I have to start moving on with your life.

[lostlove76]

I'm sorry that you are in so much pain right now. Just give yourself some time. Go do things you like and seek out family and friends whose company you enjoy. I feel so much better from the time I spent outdoors yesterday.

 

I got text last night from both men. The avoidant one has been sick and texted to say he is feeling much better. In times gone by, I would likely have driven down to see and care for him. I don't think that is appropriate anymore, especially when he has a grown-up daughter living with him.

 

You don't have to wait as long as I have to start moving on with your life.

 

Thank you, and I'm glad to hear that you're doing well and enjoyed your time outdoors.

[Silverbirch]

You will be okay LosLive. Just give yourself time and take care of yourself.

[lostlove76]

Thanks. I guess it doesn't help that it's that time of month. I guess I had pms this past week without realizing it, and in hindsight I'm sure that made everything worse.

[annie24]

So is it me who ruined things, or him? For some reason, this is important to me to know this. I hate to be the one who ruined it, when he was finally stepping things up and we could have progressed to a new level. Maybe it's just too little too late, for me.

 

It's incredibly difficult to progress a relationship that's long distance with no sign of things moving closer. Distance is a huge factor. If you can't spend a lot of time together, things can't grow.

[lostlove76]

It's incredibly difficult to progress a relationship that's long distance with no sign of things moving closer. Distance is a huge factor. If you can't spend a lot of time together, things can't grow.

 

Thanks for this, that's a really good point. Even he said the other night that we're just too far apart. It really is causing/amplifying problems. I guess that's as good a reason as any to end it. It's just frustrating, because he keeps INSISTING that he's going to come get me and that he wants me there. He brings it up several times during every convo. He says he'll hate himself forever if he doesn't come get me. He talks as if I'll be there soon, saying I'm going to love it there, and I'll meet all his friends, and I'll like such and such person. It all just rolls off his tongue as if he really believes what he's saying. And I grill him on it - I ask if he's sure he wants me there, and he says he does. I try to trip him up by asking things like "how long do you want me to stay?" and he says "forever." And yet he hasn't come, and there's no plan in sight. What am I supposed to do with that? I could find my own way down there, but I would feel much more secure if he made the effort to come get me because it would prove he really wants it. His reasons for not coming are that he works six days a week, and he's always too drunk to drive. People keep telling me to look at actions instead of words, and that's why I feel I need to drop him. It's just so hard, though, when he's so insistent that he wants me there. I don't mind waiting a little longer until we're both ready, but I need to know for sure that it's going to happen. We can't make plans, because he's not a plan-making sort of person. He does things on the fly, usually based around his drinking. I can somewhat understand that because I find it difficult to make plans as well, for my own reasons.

 

It's just not going to work, though, unless we're together in the same place. I can't emotionally handle it. I wonder if I break things off and go NC if he'll come to his senses and realize he actually has to DO something. That won't happen, though, if he starts something up with this coworker (and I really have zero information to suggest this will happen, and yet I can't get the idea out of my head. Gut feeling, I guess).

[annie24]

it's a reasonable gut feeling to have - he'll see his coworker (or anyone really) several times per week and it's easier to build a connection like that than if you only see each other once every 6 months...

[boltnrun]

He says he wants you there and yet does nothing to make it happen.

 

I don't necessarily see him falling for the coworker...but addicts frequently prefer the company of people who share their addiction. So if this "female coworker" drinks with him they may form a connection based on her sharing his taste for his drug of choice.