The Ups and Downs of Loving a Commitment-Phobe

[notalady]

You're only able to stick to dropping him so far because he hasn't apologised and sweet talked you into taking him back again. If he wants to, he can, and you'll take him back (after what you consider to be sufficient apologising and begging), despite all he's done. He knows this too, so he can take his sweet time to meet other women, online, in bars and wherever else, then if and when he feels like he has no other prospects, he'll come back and you'll still be here as his backup.

 

That's my impression anyway.

[lostlove76]

You're only able to stick to dropping him so far because he hasn't apologised and sweet talked you into taking him back again. If he wants to, he can, and you'll take him back (after what you consider to be sufficient apologising and begging), despite all he's done. He knows this too, so he can take his sweet time to meet other women, online or in bars, whenever, then if and when he feels like he has no other prospects, he'll come back and you'll still be here as his backup.

 

That's my impression anyway.

 

I was never a backup, but I'm going to quit wasting time trying to convince everyone of such things.

 

I understand why you and everyone else think I would take him back. But I honestly don't think I could, unless he did something huge to show his love, like I've said before. I just don't think I would let him back in this time. I don't think I would even answer the phone to listen to apologies, after what happened during the last call. I just can't trust him, and I don't think I would be able to let my guard down even if I wanted to. Maybe I'm wrong. If I do let him back in, I will of course let everyone here know, and I'll admit I was weak again.

 

As for what he thinks - I have no idea. I can't imagine that he would think he could get back in this time, but who knows.

 

ETA: Every time I quote, I forget to delete the previous multi-quotes. So if anyone sees a bunch of weird past quotes all together before I get a chance to edit and delete, that's what's happening!

[notalady]

"Unless he did something huge to show his love", that's you being open to him coming back.

 

What is this something huge that he can do to get you back?

 

I'm not saying you were a back up in the past, just like I never said he never loved you, because these are facts I don't have and can't possibly have. But you certainly are a backup now given he's out there dating and looking, and when this is the case and when he comes back, you better believe that he couldn't find any better and thought he'd try his chances with you again.

 

Make no mistakes, all ex's (well all mine did anyway) come back, especially after they've been out there for a month or two looking and couldn't find anyone right away. They come back and try their chances with me again (yea right good luck with that). It's not because of love, they just don't want to be / scared of being alone.

[lostlove76]

Okay, thanks for clarifying.

 

Something big = showing up at my front door. If he did that, yes, I would take him back. He has major commitment issues, which is where all of this stems from. He freaks out when we get too close, and does stupid hurtful things in order to create distance. Then he relaxes and misses me, and back he comes.

 

He only started his mad rush of looking for someone on the dating site AFTER I had ignored him for a week, then set the ultimatum, then the ultimatum was unfulfilled and I dropped him again. At the end of that week is when he suddenly started being on the dating site constantly. Before that, only once while things were good, and the other couple times were when I was refusing to answer the phone.

 

If he does come back in a month or two (anything short of showing up at my door) I hope to god I realize that it's like you said in your last paragraph and that I don't take him back. If it's sometime soon, it will be more likely that he means it.

 

I was wondering if he called tonight (which he probably won't. And if he doesn't call tonight then the next time would be maybe Sunday, since he works overnight fri/sat), I was wondering if I should text (not answer the call - text) and remind him what he did wrong. I just think that he's gotten away with his BS all his life, and he forgets things due to the drinking, and I wonder if he really even knows what he does wrong sometimes. Surely he knows, right? I guess it would be a waste of my breath to remind him anyhow. Part of me just wants him to know how hurtful his actions are, but I've already told him a million times.

[lostlove76]

To add to my last paragraph above about wondering if he knows right from wrong. He's emotionally stunted due to the drinking, in some ways. He's almost like a rebellious teenager, the way he acts. He doesn't like being accountable to anyone, doesn't like being told what to do, doesn't like to be responsible to anyone or anything other than his job. He's always gotten away with these things. So if someone has always gotten away with something, can they really see the problem in their actions? Intellectually I'm sure he knows. But emotionally, I'm not so sure.

[itsallgrand]

He doesn't sound healthy enough for a relationship. It's not you. He needs time left to his own devices, and maybe one day, he will want to get on the track to his own healing. But it has to come from him, wanting to do it for himself. And he will need time, lots of it, on his own figuring out his own self and life, before a relationship that is healthy is even a possibility.

 

I think by continuing this, you hurt him. You are enabling him to hurt himself.

 

Sometimes all you can do is stand out of someone's way and hope that they will be alright.

 

It hurts you too, and by focusing so much on him, you are distracting from what's going on in your own guts and workings.

 

Just my thoughts. I think you will work to get over this obsession when you are ready. Until then, it's the same thing over and over again.

[lostlove76]

He doesn't sound healthy enough for a relationship. It's not you.

 

Thanks. Even though I "know" this, I still can't help but feel sometimes that it IS me. I guess we all feel that way after breakups, like something is wrong with us, or like we didn't do the right things, or like it was our fault.

 

I think by continuing this, you hurt him. You are enabling him to hurt himself.

 

What do you mean by this?

 

Sometimes all you can do is stand out of someone's way and hope that they will be alright.

 

It's sad when this is the only option. People need the support of others. But I guess it's different with alcholism... I know they have to be the ones who want the help.

[Realitynut]

And he will need time, lots of it, on his own figuring out his own self and life, before a relationship that is healthy is even a possibility.

 

I think by continuing this, you hurt him. You are enabling him to hurt himself

 

You needed all this together....

 

I think what she is saying....he needs to hit rock bottom before he will help himself. You are enabling him to continue with his drinking (by thinking he's soooo loving when he's drunk) You're enabling him to be a liar....by making excuses for him. (he can't come to get me, because he's drunk) You enable him to be a cheater, by thinking...maybe it really isn't true...maybe he was just trying to make me jealous. You are enabling him to be NOT A GOOD PERSON/BOYFRIEND/POTENTIAL PARTNER.

 

Until he sees and deals with the loss of you (and that won't be until he DOES actually lose you...not just a week or two...or even a MONTH) He MAY decide to shape up. But don't hold your breath.

 

Yes...he is a commitment phobe. You've read the books. Do any of them say he makes a good relationship possibility? I have 3 books on the emotionally unavailable...and commitment phobes. Unless they understand their issues, and do something about them (lots of therapy....AA) life for these guys....and yours in particular, will never change.

 

In a nutshell.

 

He ISN'T COMING TO GET YOU....BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TOO.

 

If he truly wanted you....you'd be there.

 

Read my signature again, and again.

 

Sorry. Again I know how hard it is. One of the thing that keeps popping out at me in your posts is the reoccurring sentences that say, "I don't THINK I will answer".... I probably won't. Hopefully....maybe. And please...whatever you do....don't txt him to tell him what he did wrong. Just another excuse to contact him. We know it. YOU know it.

 

Stay strong. Don't you want a guy who doesn't just feed you crumbs???

[lostlove76]

Thanks Realitynut. Good timing on your post, as I was sitting here lonely and thinking about all this stuff. I'm trying to go to bed early, but I can't fall asleep. I hope to soon though.

 

Thanks for explaining about the enabling. That makes sense!

 

Thanks for answering my question about texting him back if he calls. Okay, I won't do that.

 

As I read your paragraph about until he deals with the loss of me, I couldn't help but worry that I'll have made him into a better boyfriend for the next person. Ugh, you see those kinds of horror stories online all the time. But I guess if he really feels as deeply for me as he said, then he'll come back to ME and be better, right, instead of onto the next. Right now with all his dating site searching, I really just feel he's looking for flings and people to talk to. I was his source of late-night conversations, and now he has to fill the gap. I'm not saying that to try to make myself feel better. I know him. I know he doesn't want anything serious with anyone (including me, apparently). But you never know if he'll stumble upon someone good and really like her. And treat her better. That's my fear. But like you said, these commitment-phobes just don't make for good partners, so hopefully that is unlikely to happen any time soon. And who else would put up with his drunkenness long term?

 

I'm staying strong. Will NOT answer if he calls.

[Realitynut]

You took the words right out of my mouth! When you said you feared him finding someone better...and he will really like her...blah, blah. He's NOT going to find someone better....or treat her better...because that means he'd have to change himself FIRST...and he won't. Or at least he's NOT!

 

And then you said, what I was going to tell you....no one would put up with his drunkenness......not for LONG term OR short term!!! The only people I see that can share their life with a drunk...is another drunk.

 

Hugs...and get some sleep. I know how that is too. It's 2:30 here....

 

My guy called me 2 days ago. Told me he loved me. That he's so glad I'm talking to him. And that he's lucky that I'm in his life.

 

I just said...yeah. You are.

 

Bah. These men.

[missmarple]

He only started his mad rush of looking for someone on the dating site AFTER I had ignored him for a week, then set the ultimatum, then the ultimatum was unfulfilled and I dropped him again. At the end of that week is when he suddenly started being on the dating site constantly. Before that, only once while things were good, and the other couple times were when I was refusing to answer the phone

 

You do realise there is not just one dating site out there + people don't necessarily have only one profile, don't you? Just because you know of one of his profiles on one dating site (which he knows you know and he knows you can see anything he does on it), doesn't mean he doesn't have 10 different profiles in 10 different sites.

 

You think you know everything he does. You don't.

[notalady]

Until someone is the right person, they won't meet the right person. Right now he's not the right person. If you break up for good, he may be motivated to become the right person (or he may not, there's no guarantee in this), if he does and meets the right person and that's not you, then, so be it. You would've met the right person for you too, because you've let go of the wrong for a chance to find the right.

 

Why is that a horrible story? Sounds like a good story to me.

 

You can keep betting on his becoming the right person (not gonna happen), it's a gamble, and you're betting with your life and your limited youth, that he'll become "the one" and you'll be there to reap the rewards, it's a highly risky bet and the reward is not nearly as good as you think. Or you can let go and go find the right person. And whatever happens to him after this is none of your concern and not worth thinking about other than maybe the occasional curiosity of "I wonder where that guy ended up".

[boltnrun]

So if he showed up at your door you'd forgive the cheating?

[lostlove76]

Hey. I didn't sleep well at all, kept tossing and turning and waking up. He didn't try to call, so I guess he's probably given up. Which bothers me more than it should. At this point I don't know if it's an ego thing, or if I truly miss him. I know I can't trust him. Bolt, I don't know the answer to that question. I guess I probably would forgive it, if he went out of his way to come up here. My good feelings about him are currently buried, or wearing off, though.

[Realitynut]

Lost....how long has it been? A week? I've gone WEEKS without hearing from my on again, off again bf. The longest was a month. That was a year and a half ago. I actually started seeing someone else...and he came back, saying he LOVED me. (first time)

The next year...I became friendly with another guy...went over 2 weeks...and he showed up in my driveway, saying he wanted to be with me the rest of his life. That lasted for a month...that he was really committed.

 

Then a few months ago...he started dating someone else...that he was gaga over. She only lasted 2 months....and he's stop in and see me every few weeks and feed me some crumbs.

 

6 years ago...I was engaged to a guy...who started cheating. 4 months later we got back together again. (we only went the last 2 months not seeing each other, cuz she was taking him to Jamaica, and he didn't want to jinx it). Then after he got back from the trip...he dumped her....was with me for 4 months...then went back to her...for 2 years.

 

So you see...it's a screwed up world out there....if women like US keep taking these guys back!!!

 

ONE WEEK IS NOTHING. He can do this to you for YEARS! Be stronger than me.

 

IF HE WANTED YOU THERE....YOU WOULD BE!

[annie24]

Until he stops drinking and gets into therapy, he won't be able to love anyone properly and be in a stable relationship. I highly doubt that his next relationship will be better until he gets professional help.

[Realitynut]

btw...your good feelings are only buried, because of the hurt and disillusionment. The minute he calls you and tells you what you want to hear (what ever that would be....love you...marry me....i'm coming to get you....etc) You heart will soar....you'll get all excited...and think...."he's come to his senses! He's made up his Mind! He has clarity!"...I'm so HAPPY!

 

Then you'll start the cycle all over.

Except it will hurt even more...because you thought....THIS TIME HE MEANT IT!

[lostlove76]

Well it's good to know that y'all don't think a new relationship will last for him. The thought of him sharing a bond with someone new just makes me feel ill. I know I shouldn't be looking at the dating site (I know I know I know) but I do, and he's on it ALL the time. This didn't start until several days after the ultimatum fell through, like I said. So it's obvious that he's frantically looking for a replacement and someone to fill the void. He can't be alone. It's only a matter of time before he finds someone, or several someone. That said, it would appear that he didn't already have someone before we quit talking, or he would have no need to be looking so hard for someone new.

 

Realitynut, reading what your guy does with his back and forths just makes me so angry for you! Funny how that works. We can look at someone else's situation and think god, what a douchebag that guy is, she doesn't deserve that, leave him and don't allow him back. But when we're *in* it ourselves, it's different, because we feel all the emotions. These guys are AWFUL!!!! So selfish, and don't care at all who they hurt. What is wrong with them?? Why can't they be decent people. None of us here would ever treat anyone like this.

 

You're right about why my good feelings are buried. I'm having to actively not think about the good things about him or things he's said, because it just hurts. So I'm trying to block that out as best I can. I'm losing track of what happened when, but I think it was just a week and a half ago that we had a very loving conversation. It feels the connection was broken ages ago. I'm the one who broke the connection - but I had good reason to, obviously (right?). Getting mad and ignoring and fussing all the time destroys the good connection. So I still have a tendency to feel like this was my fault. But I wouldn't have been that way if he wasn't a cheater, among other things.

[annie24]

Please stop looking at the dating site because it is not helpful to your healing at all. It has nothing to do with you and moving forward.

[lostlove76]

It's hard to detach and not care what he's doing. It's all too easy TO look at it, and so hard not to.

 

I was just coming to write some more, because I'm feeling especially crappy. Writing my thoughts helps sort things out; otherwise they all just swirl around in my head and weigh me down. I think I'm losing sight of why things had to end, and just feeling down about him moving on. Because that's what he's doing - moving on, looking for someone else. He won't be calling anymore. Up til last night when he didn't call, I felt I at least still had the option to answer (even though I wasn't going to). Now it feels more final, and the option is no longer there. I really can't blame him, can I. I told him it was over, I wouldn't answer the phone. Why would he keep calling when he knows I won't answer. Things also just reached the end of the road. I needed more (him to come get me) and he was unwilling/unable to do that. So there was nowhere left to go. I'm sure he would have kept on like things were for a while, until he met someone down there. But I couldn't handle it. I need to remember that. It HAD to end. It just hurts that he's putting in so much time and effort to find someone new instead of trying to fix things with us. Does he not miss what we had AT ALL? The friendship, the all-night conversations, the love talk, the good feelings? Maybe he does miss it and that's why he needs to fill the void. I can't really know what he's thinking or feeling. I just hoped he would at least TRY to work things out. Yeah, he called Tuesday a couple times, but I wanted him to try more and harder. Just so I knew he cared. It now feels like he's completely forgotten me.

 

I have to get up early in the morning Sat/Sun to work this part time job I sometimes do. I dread it because I know I'm not going to be able to get any sleep at all, and I can barely function on no sleep. I'm not a morning person. Anyways, just making it known that I'll be doing something else besides thinking about him this weekend.

[reinventmyself]

I'll bet my pay check he'll call again.

Why wouldn't he? It's always worked for him in the past.

[lostlove76]

When though? After he moved down there and I told him it was all or nothing, or else I needed to move on, and he said might as well move on because we were too far apart - it was then 6 weeks complete NC before he called again, and he was seeing someone else during that time. I feel this time is similar, and it will again be weeks.

[annie24]

If you can find more stuff to do this weekend, that would be helpful. Personally, I'm a ruminator as well, especially when I'm anxious or upset about something. However, it's not really productive. Try to distract your brain with other things - working, doing a hobby, looking for a new job, cleaning your room, whatever.

[lostlove76]

I'll try, Annie. It's hard to find the motivation while feeling so depressed.

[annie24]

I'll try, Annie. It's hard to find the motivation while feeling so depressed.

 

But yeah, that's the whole point. Wallowing doesn't help you move on. You have to actively get out there, especially when you don't feel like it. Do you have any friends you haven't seen for a while? maybe ask them to meet up and catch up (and keep your ex talk to a minimum!!)