NC Healing Journal

[Raindrop22]

I been debating about making this thread and decided why not. I need to let it out so I can hold myself accountable. I also want to be able to look at how I evolve from here on out. These things take time and I understand that time heals wounds.

 

I dated my best friend and we ended up being together for 2 years. It ended cause he lost connection and just had to heal from the resentments that were built in the relationship. Understandable. We both were in tears, I walked him out, long hug, and he goes.

I didn't do the begging but I did pleaded. I asked if we could just talk about it and take things very slow. He said he made his decision but that he wasn't trying to burn bridges completely.

I thought this basically meant he never wanted to be with me romantically and got sad. He responded formally saying that I misunderstood and that my reaction was based on what I thought sounded scary and that he says its okay (to my apology of basically sayin like "how can you say we will never have a chance some day?". Anyways after re-reading things over I realized he was just saying that things were to end now but it doesn't mean he's eliminating all possibilities of return. He responded that I was correct and he wasn't trying to get me off his mind.

I know what you're thinking. Quit with the false hope and move the heck on.

Well this was me during those first few days. I'm just sharing what went on.

After that I kept quiet and accepted.

Easter came and he texts to wish me happy easter. Then 2 days passes and he texts saying he sent that Easter text and wasn't sure if it went through. (). I didn't respond. 2 days later, I was out of that crappy funk and decided to say something cordial along the lines of "I accept this decision and it's made me realize and see that I have a lot to learn about myself and how my issues may have contributed. I'm off to working on me." Ok so not in those words but something like that.

 

I decided after that, I would go no contact. He wished me well on my inward journey blah blah. We were very close, use to be roomies in college. Dated after graduating, families were very close. We were pretty tight knit. So basically 5 years of my life has been entwined with him and his family and vice versa. He's basically like family and he knows it. This is the oddest breakup I've ever had (definitely different). I didn't feel the need to delete all ours pictures, toss his , or change something. I simply let him go. He mentioned he love my family and I dearly and that it'd be awhile before he'd be at our doors again. He's the kind of person who's so genuine, loyal, down to earth, wouldn't hurt a fly! And super introverted, shy, and to himself.

 

Here's my contribution to the relationship, indeed a big one that even I would have left and totally understand his position. Before I dated him, I was with someone abusive. It got so bad and out of control that by the end he was physically hurting me. I was left traumatized, haunted, pained, depressed, and it all felt line one big horror movie. I pushed it under the rug and focused mostly on the fact how i was relieved it was over. Being young and naive, I didn't think much of it. Out of sight, out of mind. I should have known better that leaving was half the work. The other half was healing. Everyone has their own domestic violence story but this is one for me that lasted a year. It was enough to make me feel worthless, lose my self-esteem, feel incredibly depressed, and isolated. I felt happy that it was over and fooled myself into thinking all was well. About 4-5 months later I got into the relationship with my current ex and boy did things get nutty when conflict came about. I didn't recognize who I was at all! I reacted in ways I wasn't familiar with. You have no idea how many nights I cried wondering what the hell was wrong with me. Why was I unfair to my partner? Why did I lash out like that? It's so out of character for me. At this point I should have left the relationship to go get help before I hurt him anymore. I was his first love and first of many things. I was inflicting my pain on him and didn't even know. He isn't too verbal about feelings but he felt "off". I had night sweats, breathing issues, and deep anxiety. I was afraid of being "hurt" so badly that I was constantly triggered by my current ex and didn't know it. It was small things that made me freak out and made him seem like the bad guy. I kept feeling like he was antagonizing me but when things settled I realized it was me that was antagonizing him. I made him feel all kinds of ty because I couldn't understand I was out of control and doing more harm then good.

When things ended.

I decided to get a therapist. Get a better sense of what's going on and why. I needed clarification. I was then diagnosed with depression and PTSD. After I left my abuser, I was dealin with PTSD but had no idea. I had all the symptoms but didn't even know it. This spiraled out of control thus leaving me into a dark mental state of depression. I had become something I didn't recognize anymore. The breakup was 3 week ago. I have since been NC a week and a half ago.

I cannot bare to hurt the person I love so deeply anymore. He never once lashed out at me or told me to fix anything about myself. I think he worried and cared so much and wanted to help but it was making him feel intense sadness. It was hurting him. Hes a very kind hearted person, doesn't like to tell someone what's wrong with them, doesn't judge, tries to be all about being positive. I pushed him away. I snapped about the dumbest things and was irrational. These are all behaviors I never had before. I had built up a wall after leaving my abuser and couldn't trust that someone I love would want the best for me. Because I gave my trust before and it ended up with me getting beaten, manipulated, and mind f*cked.

So here am I on my journey to healing.

 

I am remembering back to who I was before my abuser and I teared up because I was someone my current ex would have gotten to experience and know that I am not the terrible person I was.

It's time to break down these irrational fears and live a normal healthy life. I need to find myself again and regain my self-esteem. Most of all, I want to be the best version of me. Not the person who plays victim and antagonizes and lives in fear. That person is going to be dead to me. That person has got to go.

 

I am a warrior.

I will get better.

I will come out of this stronger, better, healthier.

I will love me.

[Capricorn3]

I also want to be able to look at how I evolve from here on out..

Would you like this thread to be moved to the Journals forum? Seems a more suitable place.

[Raindrop22]

Oops! Yes I was trying to figure out how to do that as I'm using my phone but can't figure it out. Immediately after I posted I noticed that and wanted to quickly move it.

[Capricorn3]

Oops! Yes I was trying to figure out how to do that as I'm using my phone but can't figure it out. Immediately after I posted I noticed that and wanted to quickly move it.

 

I've moved your thread to Journals forum for you.

[confusedchel12]

Wow this is exactly like me, my kiddies dad was a cheat. He's treated me in such a bad way for years, I had no self esteem no nothing, all I knew was him so I put up with it, until one day it was over, 5 years it took me to get over him and then I met my previous ex, I was his first proper love but I'd cause arguments over silly things, drag it on and make him out to be a bad person, now he hates me, and I'm left in pieces, or was, I'm not as bad now, miss him but I've learnt a valuable lesson in how to treat people.

 

Did counciling help, I'm not sure I should see someone to help me, I've got that wall up again and I won't let anyone else in, been single 8 month and still have bad days over my previous ex but I know the person I was in my last relationship was because I'd not fixed this from my relationship before my ex.

[Raindrop22]

Honestly counseling helps you break behaviors down to make you understand better why it is you do it and how to rewire yourself. It's for the best in the long run. It'll help you as much as you want it to.

[Raindrop22]

Today has been especially hard. It comes in waves. One day I feel eh, the next day I am overwhelmed with sadness. I spent a few hours listening to songs to purge the sadness. I cried and then felt angry and then sad.

 

Oh boy.

 

I just want this feeling to go away.

My heart hurts.

I try to watch my tv shows. I try to read. I try spending time with friends. It's just this blanket of depression that's keeping me from finding excitement in something. It's not consistent. It's just in waves.

 

I am finally eating kind of normal again.

Having trouble with sleep.

Spending some time with my puppy helps a little.

I been writing in my personal journal. About things from therapy and whatever else I feel.

I have been NC. Hanging out in my NC cave. Feels safe there.

I've been talking to a few people on here, I appreciate all the help you guys have been giving me during these hard times.

[Guest katielou1]

Hey. I like your idea.

So I was wondering if it’s ok for me to join this?

 

I've avoided saying my feelings/thoughts, (I did a mini journal on word but I felt stupid). I think speaking,to others, in the same situation, will help me.

 

I feel ready to open up now, I want to get it all out, in a mature, healthy, way, so I can finally heal!

 

Stay strong you lot.

[teapots]

Hey raindrop22, I'm trying to figure out a way to message you. I read one of your other comments on a thread from back in April and I really need to talk to someone. Someone who isn't my friend, but someone from an outsiders perspective. Someone who has hope that relationships can be mended.