This is my story....

[Clarisse]

Good for you! It helps to loo at reality smack in the face, doesn't it?

 

This person didn't treat you well. That's what you should focus on.

[Labhrais85]

Thanks Clarisse

 

 

 

I still feel so weird today, like I feel worse than I have before at any point. Before when I felt down Id have these bouts of feeling very sad and very lonely. I still feel that, however now Im getting bouts of major anxiety (again, its like Im telling myself to do 'something', whatever that may be, to salvage things quick') and the idea of her with another guy really hurts, whereas before I didn't feel anxiety and her being with other guys didn't bother me.

 

It just seems to keep coming in waves. Im in work now and could feel fine, then BANG, anxious, worried, sick stomach, sad, then as quickly as it comes on I feel fine again, then it happens again. Overall I feel down most often, but this is just so intense and weird And Im going through the whole idealisation and romanticising of things again, when I do delve into my feelings to remind myself why I don't want her anymore, I just kinda feel numb, like 'yes those were all terrible and I don't want her back.... but I still need to get her back anyway'. I know I amnt thinking rationally but it isn't making it any easier.

 

Is this normal? Im trying to 'comfort' myself by telling myself that this is a sign Im passing a major milestone in my mind; Im on the verge of dumping a lot of feelings for her, so subconsciously Im desperately trying to stop myself passing what could be a point of no return? The alternative being Im still a weak wreck from the breakup

 

I actually feel a bit better getting that down.

 

 

On the plus side, Ill be going back to do some end of season training with the rugby team on Monday, and hoping to have a social enough weekend this weekend!

[Labhrais85]

Well its been over 2 months!

 

Things have certainly picked up. I still miss my ex, and I still miss the companionship, excitement, fun, intimacy, someone I can hang with, etc. of having a relationship and I do miss her for those things... But its not as bad. Recently I feel more guilt than sorrow over things. Im still not comfortable being alone, but I still dont feel comfortable dating other women, in a kind of limbo. Well thats not entirely accurate. I was seeing a girl for 6 weeks or so there. Went on a lot of fun dates and actually really enjoyed it, but it just sort of fizzled out (from her end). I did feel buoyed by that tho and thought maybe it was time to start dating! I had arranged other dates on Tinder in the aftermath one for earlier this week and one for tonight and one for later this week. Couldnt believe it, was very excited!

 

However, the earlier one stood me up, the one for tonight just cancelled in the past hour and the one for later next week has cancelled also!! So, feeling kinda , missing the comfort of my ex and that relationship. Like the universe just aligned to kick me in the nuts! Lately I seem to see more of my friends putting up Facebook updates of their engagements, and all of my friends seem to have found themselves in relationships, plus Ive a few weddings to attend soon too, and its making me feel like Ive messed up somewhere or something and that Im missing out on life. Its hard to explain.

 

Ill pick myself up and go to the gym. Its my grannys birthday today, so Ill go visit her, then maybe go to the cinema. Needed to vent that.

[Labhrais85]

My mind has been running rampant the past week and I typed this up, a letter for my ex, but Ill post it here instead of sending it... Felt good to type it out, but still feel pretty low

 

 

Hey there N,

 

I hope youre well?

 

Ill be brief and wont make small talk actually! Im having a hard time the past while. Its been 9 months or so, and Ive talked out loads to people and done the moving on piece, and have been happy and busy and so on. But I still get days on end when I hit a low point and think over things that I cant answer. So simply I want to ask if you will help me with this?

 

• How did you get over things so fast?

• Did you realise in hindsight you didn’t love me, that once you could take a step back you knew you had been wrong all along?

• Was I a rebound, or really ‘just another guy you dated that it didn’t work with’?

• Was there any point you missed me and wanted to contact me?

• Is there any part of you that regrets things or wonders ‘what if’ regards us?

• Did I hurt you that badly over Christmas, and if so, do you forgive me?

 

The guilt of how I handled things really consumes me.. I was caught in this spiral of feeling sorry for myself; everything negative in my life was someone elses fault, and not only that but I was a martyr, I was having all this bad inflicted on me by others, none was my doing, I convinced myself. I had to witness and listen to so much between my parents growing up, but I never emotionally shut down the way I did in our last few months together. I was weak and full of self-pity. “Self-pity destroys your relationships, your health, your well being. It destroys every single thing of goodness and every single thing in your life... except itself”. Regards you I always told myself “Nikki should help me more, should be more understanding, should talk to me more, yada yada yada”. The break up, I swear to god, I never thought would be permanent, I thought we were meant to be, and I swear if I had known (or not been so selfish and cowardly) how things would go I never would’ve ended… well I never would’ve acted as I did.

 

• And I guess, do you ever miss me, is there any part of you that thinks you could’ve been happy with me, like, how did you so easily just close the door on things?

 

Im so mindful of your father, Enda and that guy before Enda you dated, and I hate that Im in their category.. no matter how much of a I was I was in love with you and 100% devoted to you. Believe it or not, you were the best thing in my life and I only coped over those months because of you, and god I did deliberately go about winding you up and pissing you off talking about ‘I hate holidays’, ‘I want children fast because Im so old’, and other stuff I didn’t mean or believe and it was *never* anything you did, you were devoted and wonderful, and I have abandonment issues, and the more you loved me the worse I got! Perhaps I am damaged, but I have worked on that, I wont bore with the details.

 

For me, I miss you, you pop into my head so often and I think of the start of our relationship and how great things were, but then I remember the end and how bad I made them. Like I said, I had a meltdown. I had all this going on, and then I was excited but also scared about ‘us’. You loved me, and I was in love with you, thought you beautiful, loyal, willing to accept my love, you were literally what I wanted all my life believe it or not. And something in me thought “God will I be with Nikki for the rest of my life, is this it, will I get to marry her someday?” and I panicked, and in conjunction with all of the other in my life, I ed up. I wanted to be alone, because I believed I was such a poor little victim and was under more pressure than anyone in history… Maybe that’s why this is so hard for me; looking back I had everything I wanted, but I went through a really bad period and I just set out to destroy all that was good in my life.

 

Ive had 3 other significant ex’s in my life who I let leave my life and I didn’t bat an eyelid. That’s why Im so confused and, yea honestly, hurt here. I cant get you out of my head, and yet you want nothing to do with me. Things are going so well here, so many new things happening and so on, but you are still in my head.

 

And I do love you, still. Ive dated other girls and Ive been on loads of holidays and Ive changed loads the last 9 months, but I still miss you. And it kills me at times. So even if you cant address anything or acknowledge or respond to anything, could you just please answer those questions I typed? I would love to get closure on this, and I know, I deserve this, nobody inflicted this on me except me. Honestly, I hate that we’re not in each others lives in any capacity. I hate that something could happen to you, or something could happen to me, and the other wouldn’t ever know… That’s the part that really makes this so .

 

Laurence

[Labhrais85]

Hmm, thinking more into this this morning having wrote that out

 

Ive never had an ex or anyone just completely cut me out of their life before. My relationship with my parents was very strained when I was younger, my father may as well not have been there. I wonder if there are issues there from that. For example, if my ex and I were on speaking terms, not even speaking terms actually, but if I had the ability and option to text her to say "Hi how are things?" etc every so often, I know this would be easier. I think about and I don't necessarily miss the romantic side of things. I just hate that we're nothing to each other. I feel as though she said she loved me so much, I was her future and all that, but she just so easily ended things and cut me out of her life, then wonder how could someone who loved me so much do that so easily?

 

Perhaps it makes no sense, but that thought just entered my head and Ive thought it out more and more and I think that's what it is. I get these bouts of anxiety and so on every so often, especially if I text or talk to a new girl, and maybe its that my confidence or something in me is just completely shattered; 'if the last girl who loved me so much can just so easily ditch me then whats stopping anyone else? Perhaps Im not remarkable or worthwhile or anything at all'. Ive been trying to make sense of these feelings I have, and a lot of it has been guilt and of course sadness/regret, but hadn't thought that deeply into it before this

[Labhrais85]

So Im just back from a 3 week road trip along the east coast of the USA. Started in New York and worked our way down to New Orleans and back up to New York. Was absolutely fantastic!!

 

But Im back here again... God the last few days have been so tough. I had been in touch with my ex back at the end of May. I had these feelings of guilt and couldnt get her out of my head, so I sent her a letter, and a small gift package, just outlining I was sorry for how I had acted and handled the breakup, that it was all my own doing and she didnt do anything wrong, that I missed her and still thought of her and thought she was wonderful. I asked if she could meet to talk in person, but said if she couldnt Id leave her be. Originally I thought this would give me closure; I could alleviate the feelings of guilt I had by owning up for my failings, and give it a final shot and move on. However, she replied a couple of days later and replied very positively! She said she was busy as a bridesmaid for her friend for a the next few weeks but would be in contact and wanted to meet up. I was honestly shocked and felt somehow sick despite it being a better reply than I had hoped for! Anyway, 5 weeks past and I heard nothing, then she emailed saying she had had the wedding but had changed her mind. Didnt want to meet anymore. That was that.

 

God, its been so long, nearly a year, but it still seems so damn hard at times. Im definitely better, but feel my 'healing' has plateaued, like Im not down and miserable all the time anymore, but shes always just in the back of my mind. I f-ing hate this but I still miss her. Ive dated other women, but its a constant struggle, and as soon as Ive slept with any women Ive been on a few dates with its like I have a panic attack after... Its like Ive cheated on my ex and Ive done something terrible and need to confess it to her and I hate myself... Jesus. When the f**k will this pass? Why the f**k did I bring myself to this point? I actually kinda think I know from speaking to other people and digging up my own past memories, my parents had/have an atrocious relationship, hate one another. I think thats why I felt the need to sabotage and destroy my relationship with her even though I never knew *WHY* I wanted out of the relationship. That in turn makes it so hard to move on; I had something great and destroyed it. Catch 22 is I had to lose her to realise what I had in her, and if I hadnt lost her I wouldnt have uncovered some of the things about myself that I have in the past number of months

 

Anyway, nearly a year since the breakup and 7 months since we last saw each other and Im still dwelling on her, that stresses me, and the panic attacks and major anxiety after sex with people really worries me, its like Im lacking closure or acceptance or something, and I f-ing hate myself for not being able to just dump my feelings!!!! Needed to vent that, didnt make me feel any better tho..

[Labhrais85]

Another few days have passed. I still have bad days. The past two nights have been intense. I lie awake in bed, stressing stressing stressing. I don't know why, my stomach feels sick and I just really miss her

 

Why I miss her I think is Im worried I wont click with someone like her again. Not that I wont meet someone, but that I wont find the same dynamic

 

Second, I still amnt over her and that stresses me. I have panic attacks when I get close to another woman but also have them if I have no dates or anything of that nature on the horizon!!!!! And my performance in bed when I have has been very poor. Why this stresses me is that subconsciously (and even consciously) Im very hurt from the breakup and my confidence is so low now. How she handled it and what she said to me, and I don't know, we never had a major breakup fight or even a breakup chat, it just kind of drifted and then she emphatically dumped me out of her life after getting back in touch, I never retaliated.. Like I was on the back foot the whole time thinking "what the f**k is going on, who is this person texting me because my ex never spoke to anyone like this" and then the aftermath

 

*the confidence smash of her being so emphatically done with me after toying with getting back together

*the guilt of "jesus I mustve be a really nasty bastard to her and hurt her etc."

*the fear of "if someone who was so in love with me can just dump me and kick me out of their life by text message without any hesitation that I must be worthless".

 

I constantly feel like Im cheating on her. Ive never felt like this after a breakup, never been this low, and when I was sad before, I didn't have this anxiety. I have expectations of where I would/should/could have been in my life right now had this not happened and I constantly blame myself for it.

 

Before I met my ex I was so comfortable with myself, I could happily go from one end of the week to the other without speaking to anyone, I could get home on Friday and decide to have a lazy weekend and not head out once and still enjoy myself and relax in my own company. Now, I get home from work in the evenings and it scares me... being alone watching a movie at home is the most stressful thing to me now. Like I mentioned, the last 2 nights Ive been lying in bed, lights out, all quiet and I become so anxious and stressed I need to get up and walk around and do something to calm myself, which the past 2 nights has been to have a drink.

 

Jesus, 9 months on and Im not over her. I hate having unanswered questions, having things not wrapped up, having lingering things in my mind, and I can talk and talk and talk to other people and post here, but at the end of the day shes the only person who can answer these things for me, but she wont. She reappeared in my life on my birthday, stuck a knife into me, kicked me in the nuts and vanished.

 

Feel better venting that

[Labhrais85]

Feeling a good bit better today. Had vented a lot to someone last night, and got some good insight and experience back. It gave me a slightly different perspective to view things from

 

A couple of realisations

 

Im not in love with my ex anymore; I don't have this longing or pain in my chest for her anymore. Rather, I miss the utopian fantasy of what life I would be leading now had we stayed together. Now, that's not to say I don't miss her, and that I don't love her (big difference between being in love and loving someone, for me). I do still wish her and I could talk and have some sort of communication. It does upset me that I have no idea whats happening in her life, for example, worst case here and god forbid, but if something awful happened to her Id never know. Something awful could have happened to her already, I have no way of knowing, and that hurts.

 

I still harbour a lot of guilt for wrongs I committed in the relationship. I was cold and I was distant. I think I understand now from all the talking with people why that was, and I feel incredibly liberated and like clouds are finally parting by being able to make sense of why I felt I wanted out of the relationship. Like, I felt smothered and had this drive to get out of the relationship, but I was in love with my ex at the time and couldn't reconcile those feelings, and it drove me mad! I think a lot of it was the incredibly bad marriage my parents had and being the eldest I was exposed to a hell of a lot of it from the time I was 6 or 7 years old, and my mother used me as a major support at that time. Like I said, I feel so much more liberated being able to make sense of my actions, but its also saddening and frustrating. Its like I want to grab my ex and tell her about the changes Im experiencing and talk about this with her to let her know why things played out as they did. Catch 22; wouldn't be making this progress had we not broke up... That's really s**t..

 

For the first time, I actually feel its best for me to step back entirely from dating for a while. I have this anxiety and fear that I need to arrange dates, find a new GF and that's because (again, have this perspective from all the talking), from the time I was young it was impressed upon me I should have a marriage and children. But at the same time, I get no joy from dating or sex; no excitement, no desire for second dates, no desire for sex. It just leaves me confused and gives me panic attacks. I believe the 'family desire' causing me to constantly need dates and reassurance is irrational whereas the negative reaction I have to those dates is me trying to tell myself to take a break, it isn't the right time...

 

Final note for this entry is the closure aspect. I constantly think I need my ex's help to get that, but that's wrong. By doing that Im seeking her validation, Im seeking her approval of my perceived worth and her to assure me Im a worthwhile individual. She said a lot of nasty s**t that really cut me deep when she was dumping me out of her life, and it really hurt. But closure (the validation of myself, approval and assurance of my self-worth) must only come from myself, any other source, while perhaps helpful is just secondary or supplemental. If someone insulted me Id rebuff them and ignore it, I wouldn't seek them out asking them to please explain why they insulted me and if they really meant it and if I could do something to make them take it back. That's exactly the logic to apply with an ex. Easier said than done of course!!!! haha

 

Before I met my ex I was so confident and comfortable with myself. I could go from one end of the week to the other without sending a single text message, I could get home and Friday and decide Id have a lazy weekend and happily spend the weekend at home just chilling alone watching movies or reading. Since the breakup the prospect of going home from work scared me so much, Id text people non stop and try find something or anything to do instead because I couldn't be alone..... That's improved now. Im going to work on getting back to that. I used online and phone dating apps and occasionally went on dates, but they were always supplementary and a 'nice extra', they weren't the core of social life like they are now. Again, I have to work on this and reverse it. Focus on activities with my friends first or even Meet Up events that focus on just socialising first.

 

Ill end this now. TGIF all

[Labhrais85]

Another week has passed. Im still in fairly good form, albeit have had a few dips.

 

This morning driving into work I cant seem to get her out of my mind. I keep thinking of the last few times we talked and how things are now and then about how things were say a year after we started going out; daydreaming a bit and its so easy to suddenly have the train of thoughts take off "God we were so in love... we were gonna get married... could have done this... should have done that... if we just saw each other... how did things get to this point". Jesus. Its frustrating that it still takes hold of me like that. I hate that I still miss her. And its as tho everything reminds me of her.

 

Strangely, I was thinking of my most recent holiday in the USA, then the various weekends away in Ireland that Ive enjoyed this year since the breakup and I get this weird feeling of guilt in my mind. I should've been doing these things with her. And of course that causes the above train of thoughts to kick off again. I suppose the positive part is that I amnt dreadfully sad or get intense bangs of sorrow, and I am getting more comfortable with being alone and in the house by myself, and this past week has been the most consistent period of contentment Ive had.. But Im still regretful and very often wonder that if I still miss her, does she ever think of me or miss me or feel any of the things I do? Its like this consistent dull ache

 

Im actually very uneasy about the coming months; Halloween last year was a really big event for us, and I remember she wore this incredible costume and I still to this day remember it because it was just so cool... Then November when things came to a head and I picture that very last time I left her place, god I still remember it so vividly and clearly as if it happened only last weekend, and then of course Christmas; we both absolutely LOVE Christmas. Anyway, stupid or pathetic as that sounds that Halloween to Christmas stretch has been something Ive been conscientious of for some time and concerned about.

 

Anyway, I hope everyone enjoys the weekend

[Labhrais85]

My mood has taken a dip in the last day. Yesterday afternoon I was at home after work relaxing and my ex popped into my head, and Ive been reliving the breakup again, and the guilt of how I behaved and then the train of thought again

 

-God we were so in love...

-we were gonna get married...

-could have done this and should have done that...

-if we just saw each other...

-how did things get to this point

-I wish we could just talk

 

Ive thought more about it. Ive been on a few dates with a new girl, bumped in to a few of my friends over the weekend and the 'feedback' was incredible.. shes so nice, so friendly, seemed so pleasant, seemed mad about me and shes so good looking and attractive. And she is all of those things, and I get the feeling she is quite attracted to me. However, while initially I loved the attention from this beautiful and charming woman, Im completely disinterested now... And yea I do miss my ex, but that's not it. Its been weirdly therapeutic; the way I feel towards this new girl (disinterested, like Im being smothered, don't want anything serious.... etc.) is exactly how I felt towards my ex. And then thinking about it more, I realised its exactly how I felt about my previous 2 exs before her. Ive had 4 serious relationships in my life

 

1st girlfriend I treated like a princess; always complimented her, reassured her, told her I loved her, did affectionate and romantic things for her. And she dumped me. After, years later when we could be 'friends' she told me it was because I was such a pushover, a , I never took charge or challenged her, I just constantly followed her around and deferred to whatever she wanted to do. That breakup really hurt me hard for a load of reasons. But since then Ive always bee shut off to new women; I keep them at arms length, push them away, try not to make myself feel anything for them. So with my 2nd and 3rd girlfriends, I dated each for about a year and when they ended I didn't care. I literally had the chat with them, agreed it was ended and I got straight back into my routine without missing a beat.. They actually each reached out to me over the following weeks about staying in contact and being friendly and I replied to them and was polite but vague and indifferent. Initially with my most recent ex, I felt the same, however then I really missed her... and now I really believe I made a mistake and want her back. Ive never felt like this before, and I hate it!!!!!

 

Three recent events took place that gave me perspective

 

1- Female friends of mine were telling in passing before about one brother of theirs. Hes 34 and dated a girl for 10 months when he was 23. Hes still not over her, hes put his life on hold because hes convinced shell come back to him. Another one, her friend dated a woman 3 years ago for about 2 years. Shes now moved on and is married and has a child with her husband, but he still hasn't let go. He still emails her saying he misses her and sends her birthday and Christmas cards. I heard that and I thought "god that is bad, but at least Im not those guys, this isn't going to consume my life", but it so easily could. The fact is that even though it isn't at the forefront of my mind all the time now, I still believe something will happen that me and my ex will end up together again. Its to the back of my mind I guess, but its 100% still there

 

2- My best friend had a bad breakup about a year or so ago too and his ex recently got back in contact. I envied him so much. However, hes miserable from it now. His head is a mess and all he says is he wishes she hadn't got back in contact and that he hadn't replied to her, hes received no closure/absolution/validation and hes just confused and stressed and all that again now. Again, food for thought

 

3- I realise that theres a problem with myself based on the pattern of how Ive treated women in my life, and I realise that my desire for my ex is an irrational desire. And I realise that this pattern of how I treat women is making me unhappy and that Im right in the middle of that cycle again now with this new woman and that if I drive her away it will ultimately leave me unhappy again. But I cant stop it!!! Its like I have to get out of the relationship, I don't want any intimate or sexual physical contact, in fact I hate it and have to make myself have sex. So why is it happening? Ive identified this destructive cycle, I acknowledge that it wont make me happy and I don't want it to happen, but it is. And Im right in the middle of it again now, but it seems unstoppable.

 

 

God. After my last ex I was always anxious and worried telling myself "Ill never find a woman as good as her again, never find one who cares about me again, never find one I click with". But now I have with this new woman; shes very good looking, very kind and sweet, ideal living arrangments, my friends think shes super, and she seems very interested in me. So Ive proven the whole "Woe is me, Im going to die alone" fears I had were wrong and irrational and I have the thing I was worried Id never have again. But I still feel empty and unfulfilled and that I want to just be alone again, exactly like with my ex!!!!!

 

 

 

Good to vent that I guess, but I still feel in a terrible low mood. And yet again, Christmas being on the horizon is worrying me. This year has been the fastest year of my life and its because all Ive done is dwell on my ex. The last night I left her apartment back in November last year still feels like it was only last weekend to me for f**k sake. I feel as though this year has just been a long couple of weeks and I have no memories or points of reference for time passing except for those handful of occasions I heard from my ex. And I f**king hate that. Why do I miss her, why is all this happening now? Why cant I treat her like any other ex IVe had and just forget her and be happy with my own company and love the person I am...

 

I feel like I have so many emotions or something, like Im figuring out these things about myself and relationships and how I treat the women in my life, and its like Im having these breakthroughs which makes me happy, but then Im getting angry and frustrated. And I keep telling myself "It wasn't my ex's fault we split, I had these commitment issues, which I know are irrational and which Im going to purge from myself... so once theyre gone we can be together again and it will work this time". Then I come back to reality and that shes gone forever, and I hate that. I hate that I miss her, I hate that I know that driving her away was a mistake, I hate that we cant even talk anymore....

 

 

 

Jesus, ok, I better end this post on a positive note ;P My friends are still living with me, had a super weekend in town, watched the All Ireland football championship final and it was a draw, so theres a replay in 2 weeks. And been invited to a Halloween party in October and want to throw one of my own. I want to try dress up as Joker from Suicide Squad, never went mad at Halloween before, but I think that would be cool! Right, time to start work

[Labhrais85]

Feeling a bit better than yesterday, but Im still dreading events on the horizon. Halloween, November and Christmas. Winter (odd as this may sound s ) is my favourite season. I love the dark and cold days spent cozy by the fire, and I love Christmas. Its always been my favourite time of year. But this year Im dreading it.... Like Im actually anxious and have that 'uneasy' feeling in my stomach, and its all because of my ex. But I don't know why I feel this way.

 

I feel better than the last couple of days today, I had a good talk last night and just vented which helped and has helped me connect some dots in my head. I do still miss my ex though and sometimes, lately, since Ive been talking this out more with people and making sense of my behaviour in the relationship that caused the breakup, I want to just be able to sit opposite her and tell her all that has happened and tell her I have actually changed and am changing. That I don't just want her back because Im lonely or sad, but because Im finally thinking clearly for the first time in I can remember and to please give things a second chance

 

But I wont... god how did things get to the point where I cant even talk with her? And why the f**k does that bother me so much? I hate this, but part of me still believes that her and I will cross paths again and we'll have another go at things. Even now, when she has blocked me on whatsapp and when Ive promised I wont contact her again unless she contacts me and while there was ambiguity and mixed signals, in my opinion, at the start of the breakup from her, her last reply was polite but unambiguous that she has zero interest in speaking to me anymore. I rationally think of it and know its over and that it will never happen again with her, but yet every instinct I have is saying not to give up yet. And my instincts throughout my life have just about always been right in terms of past relationships, college courses Ive chose, important decisions Ive made, whether to change jobs or not, whether to rent or not... God I would love to be able to take a glimpse 10 years in to the future and see what awaits!

 

I had some good news in work this morning which was nice and Im actually trying to maintain a PMA (believe it or not ;P ). Im going to go to the gym this evening and may head to the cinema depending on when I get home and all. Nearly the weekend too, I have a mountain of work to do on my dissertation which Im worried about but Ill get it done!!

[Labhrais85]

Feeling better again today. But I still do miss my ex. I had a dream last night, only lasted a few seconds of course, but it was about her. It was like I was overhearing telling someone about one of the times I let her down, when I said Id meet her at a certain time and delayed it very late and showed up hours late. God it breaks my heart that this is how things are, and I hate that. My 2 ex's before my most recent ex, I went out with each around the same length of time and felt more or less the same, but once those relationships ended I was fine. I got back into my routine without bother. So why am I so messed up now?? Why do I miss this ex so much? Is it because she made her reappearance in my life at my birthday, stuck a knife in me and kick me in the balls before taking off telling me what an I was without me retaliating?

 

Ive been speaking to someone for a few weeks and it has helped so much. My main issue has been I couldn't/cant rationalise in my head why I loved my ex but yet wanted out of the relationship and to be alone, why I found it so hard to accept and engage in intimacy and affection on occasion. I really feel like Im making sense of everything now, like Im connecting all these dots in my head and I actually do understand why I felt and behaved as I did. And I know it wasn't an issue with my ex now, but an issue with me. And I believe I have changed and feel so incredibly liberated being able to rationalise things and confront the issues from my past... But it makes me miss and regret things with my ex so much more. Its reinforcing this believe I have that we shouldn't have broke up

 

 

I am actually in a good place though and I feel good. But I have that fear that I wont find someone I love as much as her anymore and worry that subconsciously I don't have closure because of so many things, so Im going to keep myself emotionally closed to people for the future. I feel like sometimes I just want to take 12 months, be single, focus on friends and getting used to being comfortable and happy being alone again. But yet, I am comfortable being alone, but I have this deep seated belief that I should be getting married and having kids around my age now (this came up in my discussions and I recognise its irrational and crucially I know what is driving the feeling), so when Im not organising dates on Tinder and so on I feel anxious.. Not sad or upset, but anxious! That naturally causes distress and upset, but I cant help it. I love that Ive made this progress in terms of self relfection, but I absolutely hate that it took me loosing a person I loved to get me to do it....... Catch 22 I guess.

 

Anyway, its Friday and I have a jam packed weekend! TGIF and enjoy everyone

[Labhrais85]

Ive had the weirdest feeling all weekend about my ex, and Ive been at a real low point. Anyway, I cracked this morning and curiositygot the best of me. I checked her Facebook page and there she was with her new boyfriend. I knew she was seeing someone, but this has hit me like a tonne of bricks, even tho all it did was completely confirm it for me. She looked amazing and had a happy smile on her face. F**k me, Im just in work at my desk here and I don't know what to do