This is my story....

[Labhrais85]

Hi, Ive decided to keep this journal to get my thoughts down and vent when I need to, really helps. Btw, the title is the quote of a character from a game I used to play who I thought was cool ;P

 

Back story to the relationship and break up...

 

• Im 31, shes 30
  
• We went out for 2 years, had discussed the future and saw a very long term thing, but ended in November...
  
• She got back in touch January on my birthday and I asked to meet
  
• Thought we were going to reconcile but she pulled the rug out from under that idea and cut the legs out from under me in serious fashion
  
• Now wants nothing to do with and has blocked me on whatsapp, summarising as being "we're just another couple that didnt work out, I dont see what the issue is"
  

 

 

By November when we split things were really on the rocks; I was living with my parents the year previous and she had no car, so that was stressful, but we loved each other so made it work. Then in May I went sale agreed on a new house. Initially it was exciting but then became a nightmare... I was financially stretched beyond my limits so I had no money to do any dates or anything. I also could only get her some token gifts for her birthday in June. She supported me and was understanding of course, but as time wore on she got more fed up. Eventually she told me she thought the presents I got her were rubbish and how disappointed she was with them. I had got her some Minions teddy bears and she remarked that she was thinking of giving them away. That really hurt. And there were so many elephants in the damn room; she would NEVER talk about issues. Occasionally when shed been out for drinks Id get a drunk text, but other than that she just bottled things up and refused to talk which just made me so frustrated. This was the girl I was in love with and was contemplating a future and family with but we couldnt discuss those things!!

 

For my part,

• I was studying a masters part time on top of work
  
• Exams and deadlines loomed in June all the way through to March this year and became insane and stressful
  
• Buying the house took up so much time and money, it was crazy and so demanding
  
• Financial year in work ended at end of June which was mad again
  
• I was living with my parents which put a major strain on me for numerous reasons
  
• I had absolutely no money; my social life was non existent and I hated that I couldnt treat her well which compounded my above stress
  
• When I did move into the house in August, it needed to much work, time and money that I didnt know where or how to even start...
  

 

 

As a result I became more distant and irritable and so did she. I honestly spent so many days thinking I just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, I was absolutely up the walls, and this obviously impacted my relationship. In November things hit rock-bottom and we decided to split. I felt it was best as we were heading to a point where we'd have a huge falling out that we couldnt recover from. We set a date of January 9th to recontact and talk. Over those couple of months I just focused solely on the problems and I got loads done on the house, got past the worst of university, got back on top of work and got my finances back to a good place. I also revitalised alot of the relationships with family and friends that fell by the wayside. I was doing great! Life was good again! Then January 9th came, I was so excited but also scared. But I heard nothing...... No contact. I had looked at her whatsapp every day over our 'break' and always wanted to see 'typing...' but never did. By then too I had clarity of things and was back to normal and realised how I behaved was unacceptable; I was so embarrassed and ashamed, I couldnt initiate things, I needed her to, I was too scared.

 

The ending of no contact...

 

On January 10th I woke up, cried a bit and felt so sad and angry and scared, etc. I decided to get on with things and my birthday was 2 weeks later, so I thought maybe she'd use that to contact me. Sure enough, I got a facebook message from her. I was with friends at the time but my heart started racing, I was excited, nervous, had butterflies, sweaty palms and immediately decided to message her. We started talking again and I asked to meet up, she agreed but at the end said 'she wasnt sure about anything more than a meeting right now'. We met and had coffee and just made small talk, not addressing the break up, but had a great lunch, just like the good days. I asked at the end if we could meet again to which she said shed think about it but I shouldnt get my hopes up... Later that day I text her saying I got the impression she wasnt keen to meet so we could cancel, but if she changed her mind let me know.

 

At that point I was disappointed but I was in a good place and still happy. Then 3 days later she text me saying she did miss me, and was heartbroken at things as they stood but couldnt accept that I didnt contact her on January 9th. I tried to call her but she wouldnt answer so all of this took place via bloody text messages. She ALWAYS did that, and I hated it; we couldnt have a free flowing back and forth, we were sending big long texts and trying to digest them and address everything but keep it short and concise. I wanted to explain everything that had gone through my head over the break and what happened Jan 9th, but effectively said "Look, I miss you, Im not happy with how things ended. I still love you and want to try things again. Im not happy with loads of things from before we split, but I cant change anything that happened, all I can do is say Im sorry, Ive learned from it and I will do anything to make it up to you".

 

It seemed reconciliation was on the cards! I was happy and excited and contemplating being together again and making that future work ...... Then 3 days later I got a text at 9pm effectively saying "Sorry, changed my mind, cant forgive you for not contacting me January 9th. Im past you". It was dripping with patronising and condescending tones. I collected myself and decided to just text back saying I was sorry to hear that but I accepted her decision and wished her well. But again she said "I wish we could get back together but you left it too long to get in touch", which just confused me; did she want me to fight for things? Prove my sincerity? Why had she got back in my life if she had decided she wasnt interested? How the hell was the January 9th deadline thing a 'red line issue' for her and why was it all my fault?? How did she feel nothing for me, did she just never really love me? All of this was racing through my head, so we began a very intense back and forth where I tried to tell her we could make things work, I loved her and so on, to which she was very blunt, cold and condescending, but occasionally sprinkled in a "Im so heartbroken we're here", "You have no idea how much I wish we could get back together", which just caused me more confusion. Eventually after hours of texting (she refused to speak to me over the phone or see me in person) I just said "Look, do you really never want to see me again?!" to which she replied "If I have to be blunt then NO... But you have no idea how much I wish we could get back together". And that was it....

 

That was a Wednesday. Vanetines day was the following weekend. I sent her a long email trying to explain things and saying I just couldnt believe this was something we couldnt work out, to which she replied saying she understood but when I didnt contact her on January 9th, she decided she had to dump her feelings for me, and she did, and that she was sad and crying and heartbroken at saying goodbye to me from her life, but that was that. Again I had no closure; how did she dump all of her feelings for me between Jan 10th - 22nd? If she was heartbroken then why not take one more chance?

 

Final goodbyes...

 

I texted her a few days later asking if we could just meet face to face and talk and if we still felt it was unsalvagable then then fine, but at least thered be no regrets. She refused. So I deleted her from Facebook and her number, sending one last text to just say "I care for you and your family, if you ever need me please dont hesitate to get in touch. I meant everything Ive said to you and wish you well" to which she replied "Yea yea, I get it. Thanks. Now get lost". That hurt a lot, didnt know where it came from! She had been with a friend of hers who I know didnt like me that weekend so think it may have had something to do with it

 

A month later I stupidly broke no contact. I couldnt stop thinking about her for the days leading to it so just sent her a text asking how she had been. The reply I got was so hostile, condescending and mean. I couldnt believe it. She then blocked me on whatsapp.

 

Im just so confused and regretful now. On my birthday before she got in touch I was doing greatl; I was so positive and had accepted things and was able to cope with it. Now Im a mess. I dont know how things got so bad; did it treat her so badly?

 

Sigh, thats great to get that all out. Lately I find things hard; the house is so empty and reminds me of her for some reason. I miss her loads. Ive been on dates with girls but I just miss her after them; I feel like absolute rubbish after meeting another woman. I dont know what to do; I have no closure whatsoever from things, in fact I just have nothing but questions.

 

Im going to throw my thoughts down in this going forward. I was on this site 7 years ago when I was in the same place, so a positive is I face into this phase of doom and gloom knowing Ive been down here before but got up again and found someone brilliant. Been NC now for just over 2 weeks. Im doing this solely for myself, as while I would love to think she misses me and distance would make her 'heart grow fonder', I know theres no chance of that.

[thejigsup]

What happened is this. She doesn't love you anymore. Get that straight. She is cold, unfeeling and had dropped so many hints to LEAVE HER ALONE. It doesn't matter who is right or who is wrong. She's done. I'm sorry but she doesn't want to see or talk to you anymore. Find a lady who you can be good to and have it appreciated. Never go distant on a woman again. It's the kiss of death.

[Labhrais85]

I get that, believe me, i definitely have points when I miss her, but I know how things are. I wish she hadn't got back into my life since she felt that way. And the constant being heartbroken and wishing we could make up but can't... As said, the worst part of this is just having no closure, not knowing what motivated the above. I was fine prior to that.

 

I definitely won't allow distance in future relationships tho

[Silverbirch]

I would love someone to give me teddy bears! Is she a princess type? What was your worste behaviour towards her. The way she is behaving, it seems like it must have been really bad.

[Labhrais85]

No I wouldn't have said she was a princess type, she loved being treated and all that but she wasn't spoiled or anything. She was actually very loyal and caring throughout, why I was surprised by the last few exchanges we had!

 

I was quite distant toward the end, we argued loads, she wanted to help but didn't want to talk about things; like if I was stressed about things she'd buy me things, but that frustrated me more, there were times I just wanted to vent anout things but she didn't like it all, she seemed to bottle things up herself about her family life too. And she was frustrated by things too which was completely understandable! I didn't have money to do anything nice, all of our friends went on holidays whereas we couldn't because of me, and most date night consisted of wine at hers or the cinema, think there were only s couple of nice dinners in the final months

[Labhrais85]

Weekend just ended. A friend returned from Australia Saturday and we had a 30th birthday to head to that evening, which was super. Was out at a football match yesterday with a group of my friends and had a date that evening. Date was actually really fun; was chatting loads and having a great laugh and went to a couple of different bars and the whole evening was full of laughs and chat. Was great, really enjoyed it, however feel terrible this morning, thinking about my ex obviously. My routine seems to follow a pattern of feeling grand when I wake up but within 15 mins, when Im in my car headed to work my mood just plummets. I get very down. Thinking more about it what motivates my poor feeling isnt entirely missing being with her, its guilt over not being able to keep things together and as thjigsup said, allowing the distance thing to become this huge issue. She said that the one thing she couldnt forget was that I didnt contact her first. When I get to the office I usually perk up a great deal, then the drive home results in a plummet in my mood again, then the evenings are hit and miss; some evenings I enjoy having the evening to myself to go for a run, watch a movie, meet friends if theyre around, then other evenings I feel lousy and hate being in the new house by myself and obsess about things

 

Had an interesting exchange with my friend yesterday morning. He broke up with his ex months and months ago. The relationship was really toxic, they really didnt match well and constantly fought and argued. He was happy when it ended and has been out on lots of dates, is a good looking guy, confident, charismatic, quite popular with women and a really good laugh. But he found out his ex is seeing someone else and hes really upset about it. It was odd but I was very surprised to hear that, and I never picked up that he was having a hard time of it. Was good having a talk with him about everything. Anyway, hoping the week flies by!

[Labhrais85]

My routine is well and truly in form; woke up this morning and felt quite good. Had been out with my friend whos home from Australia for the evening, went bowling then saw that 10 Cloverfield Lane movie. Had a good talk about all sorts of things over the evening. He mentioned that he loves being single and by himself, looks at all of his friends in relationships and prefers his 'freedom'. Made me think; Ive been eager to head on some dates lately even tho I don't particularly want to. I just feel weird and bad after any Ive been on, but I keep thinking I need to get out there and meet more women. I don't know whats driving that urge; since I was a child I looked at my parents and aunts/uncles, etc. By their mid-20s they were married and moved into their first home and could have had a child by then. Im 31 now and I think I subconsciously think Im way behind in my life, that I should be more secure and on a more recognisable path in my life now.

 

I do miss my ex an awful lot too of course. I keep playing out 'what if I had done x y z differently', 'what if I told her this or said that'. Even the last couple of exchanges we had, I should have just backed off and said I accepted her choice, but I didn't, it became so intense. On top of missing her I feel guilt for my failings towards the end of the relationship and I feel sad about how things between us have deteriorated to this level, and I wonder if it was just the relationship I missed, and I didn't have that guilt and things between us weren't so bad now, would this be far more manageable and I think they would. Of course that leads me to think "Well then email her, get it all down, say you accept things and apologise for things and then thatll be that", but I wont of course Any such advance would be dreadful. I was on this site 7/8 years ago and god I wish I had returned after my first meet up with my ex, Im sure the advice I would've got would've prevented the last exchange we had and given me a place to vent to clear my head instead.

 

Like right now, I was in a lousy mood all morning but getting that down is great. This is what happened before too; last exchange with my ex was around mid-February, then I cracked and broke NC 1 month later in mid-March. Im coming up on that month milestone in April now and get major pangs to contact her, and while my mood doesn't drop as often as previously (so they are getting better), when it drops it drops very low and feels like it will never pass!

 

I have no plans for the evening, Im going to head for a run this evening, and maybe go to the gym, then Ill sit in and watch some old movie I haven't seen in ages, a nice mindless action movie Again, its funny, for ages I often just wished I could have a few days to myself to do nothing but sit around and not have to go anywhere, see anyone, do anything; just time to 'do nothing', but now theres nothing Id give more than to be chilling on the couch with her watching a marathon of Home & Away (she loves that show). Ill be out for the evening with friends tomorrow tho which will be fun

[Labhrais85]

Had an interesting 24 hours.

 

Yesterday was tough, very tough. I said my moods don't drop as much, but when I get those pangs of missing her, my 'downbeat' mood becomes more and more intense and lasts longer. This is what happened back in March; about 4 weeks out and I went through a few days where I could stop wondering how she was and wanted to say hi and just make small talk with her, and I succumbed to that urge (unfortunately). Since Sunday evening (and Im coming up on 4 weeks NC again now) Ive had terribly low points, peaking yesterday. Ive feel much better today tho (eNA being a huge part of that too), and on my drive to work she did enter my mind again, but I didn't feel terribly bad at all. One swallow doesn't make a summer, but hoping this is the sign of the upswing from the doom and gloom phase

 

Speaking to my friend I mentioned earlier again, hes having a very hard time thinking of his ex, he kinda let the flood gates open yesterday which I was incredibly surprised by, hes taking it very very hard. Its slightly more complicated than just missing his ex (I suppose they all are tho), but oddly it felt nice being able to draw upon my own feelings and experiences to give him advice and insight and help him, make something positive of those negative feelings.

[Labhrais85]

I am really struggling here at the moment. I don't know what set it off, but for the past 2-3 hours I cant stop thinking about my ex. Analysing every last bit of contact and then thinking of the things that lead to our break and wishing I had done things differently. Im approaching 1 month NC again, this must be a milestone or some subconscious alarm going off in my head that's saying I need to contact her. Thing is, right now I would love to just text her and chat and shoot the breeze. I hate that we must each be nothing to the other. Its 2pm here, my face is actually sore from what must be frowning (altho I amnt frowning, maybe its just stress or something) and Im dreading going home this evening to my empty house.

 

This will pass tho. And I contacted her a few weeks ago after a month of NC to say 'hi how are you?' and it was dreadful, any such advance will meet the same reply so theres no point.

[Labhrais85]

Keep thinking of this. How we set Jan 9th as our contact date but when it came and went and I never heard from her. I didn't text her because I felt so guilty at the time, and embarrassed and ashamed, and took her silence to mean she was done with me. I was actually ok then tho, I was able to accept it and carry on, it was sad and tough, but I don't know how I was able to now, but I could draw a line under it. Then on Jan 23rd she got back in touch with me and we met up and discussed getting back together a bit and seemed to be set on doing it, I was so excited. But then she sent me the text just saying she changed her mind and couldn't forgive me for not contacting her on Jan 9th. She was 'heartbroken', 'wanted to try again more than anything she ever felt', but couldn't forgive me for not contacting her during the break.

 

I never got a clear understanding, wondered 'how the fuc* did this happen', etc. but in reality she wanted me to come back to her before Jan 9th; to realise what I lost and break the NC agreement, whereas I was very logical; we had a date set, I was working towards that, instead of being aware of her emotions. The amount of times I started typing a message to her on whatsapp but never fuc*ing sent it, or Id see her status change to 'online' and get this nervous flutter and just give anything to have her text me, then the disappointment when she didn't. She grieved during the break and it was well and truly dead when I didn't contact her Jan 9th and now she wont even speak to me. But then I ask why the hell get back in contact with me at all if she had her mind set on that, why discuss and dangle reunions and then pull them when I wanted to try them. Did she just want to prove to herself she could get me back if she wanted? Get even for not being in touch? I just don't know how we have become so bad.

 

Its like floodgates just opened for me when she sent me that text message saying she couldn't forgive me and Ive been a wreck since; like we were so close to getting back together and I fuc*ed it all up by being so dumb as to not realise I should've gone back to her earlier or taken the chance earlier. Im gonna regret that for the rest of my life, and THAT is really really hard and worse, it scares me.

 

I feel better today, but Im worried about when the emotions smash me again. Most of my friends for a number of random reasons will be gone from tomorrow until next Sunday, so Ill be very alone. I feel this huge void in my life, but I feel confused and upset when I date or even talk to other women. And the house, the house is a nightmare. I hate being in it, I keep thinking of her, it initially represented this great step in freedom in my life, now it hurts being in it.

 

 

 

On the plus side tho, yesterday was the lowest Ive been since our last contact in March, and thanks to friends (and eNA) I didn't contact her. Have no plans for this evening or anything at all for the coming days. I need to keep a PMA, need to keep busy and focus on other things, work through this. I got the result for the final assignment I handed in in my masters yesterday and it was great, really delighted with it and have work on the house that needs doing which Ill get to this weekend!

[Labhrais85]

Been a few days! I had a rather rough time from Saturday last week straight through to Tuesday evening, getting progressively worse as time went on. Then Wednesday morning I wok up and felt good, had a slight blip on the drive to work as usual, but after I was grand. The same thing happened a few weeks ago at the 1 month mark of NC and I cracked and texted her, so having resisted it this time I thought I had come through the other end of a bad cycle and reached a milestone! However around 11am I was just consumed by thoughts of my ex. Our last encounter, the nice things she did for me, our weekend breaks away, etc. Then the realisation, something awful could happen to her or someone in her family and I would never know about it; I could never comfort or console or help her in any way, and that made me sad. By Wednesday evening I was at an unbelievable low point, haven't felt worse since the breakup couldn't get her out of my head.

 

Around 9:15pm I got a text from a friend about meeting at the local bar and doing a pub quiz there. I felt fantastic the following day, and since Thursday Ive been in fantastic form. I spent the weekend at home as my friends are away and had been dreading that, but I loved it. I enjoyed my free time and not having to go anywhere. I got loads of work done on the house too which Im delighted about. I don't know what it was in my mind, but not contacting her and just riding out those few sh*t days totally changed my point of view. Ive decided Im not going to go on more dates either for a few weeks, had a third date for this weekend that I had to cancel, but I really just want to get back to bein comfortable being single. I enjoy the dates Ive been on while Im on them, but in the days following I just feel confused/upset/sad, if that makes any sense.

 

Ive still thought about my ex a few times since this upturn in my mood Thursday, and it stings a little at times, but I don't miss her as much, and don't instinctively think shes the most beautiful woman on earth anymore and Im remembering loads of little things from the relationship that she did that lead to the break in November and the things she said and did when she got back in contact Jan/Feb and actually realising this wasn't all my fault!!

 

Anyway, my mood has dipped from euphoric ( ;P ) on Thursday over the past few days but still feeling good about things. Honestly don't know what caused it, if it was that Wednesday was my lowest point and I got through it so emotional relief or some psychological milestone or what, but its been brilliant. Have no plans for the week yet, may get one of those unlimited cinema passes and do that a bit more (altho there isn't much decent out at the moment!) and do some more work on the house. Im meeting a friend from ages ago on the rugby team for coffee and ince cream in the city centre Saturday afternoon which is convenient as Ill be in town then anyway and a nice relaxing coffee and ice cream in town will be a nice afternoon out!

[Clarisse]

Hi Labhrais. I strongly suspect you are romanticizing your relationship with your ex. Think about it. A kind, empathetic person wouldn't have said those hurtful things to you in response to your heartfelt attempts at reconciliation. The relatinship was doomed, in my opinion.

 

Take off your rose-colored glasses for a moment and take a good, hard, realistic look at this person. You're building her up to be some perfect woman and beating yourself up terribly in the process. If the relationshio was meant to be and the two of you were good together, missing the January 9 date wouldn't have mattered. Nothing would keep you apart.

 

Breakups are brutal. They hurt. Sometimes for a very long time. But you aren't helping yourself by pining away for a fantasy girl who probably wasn't all that great to begin with.

 

Learn your lessons from the break-up. That's healthy. But only own the mistakes that were yours. Not having a lot of money isn't a character flaw. Make a list of all her bad points and the problems in the relationship. Focus on those things. NC alone won't help you get over her. Time to do a realistic post-mortem and move on.

 

Good luck.

[Labhrais85]

Thanks Clarisse. I agree, I am romaticising things and looking through rose-tinted glasses. Last few days have been good tho! Ive been through this before (and actually had an account that I cant remember on eNA years ago on that occasion!), so know the sun will keep rising and setting and the world will keep turning, so have to overcome things! Sense Im getting into a bit of a downward funk here this evening and none of my friends are around, nor are there any decent movies out, so shall head to my parents and catch up over some tea

[Labhrais85]

Seems the old grief cycle has taken another turn, feeling very down again these past 2 days. Disappointing as I was in such high spirits for those few days previous and spent most of the weekend at home (for various reasons my friends were all away). I was dreading facing last weekend totally isolated, but I loved it; really enjoyed the time to myself for the first time in a long time.

 

I actually worked it out a few days ago, today is 27 days since we last spoke, so last week when I was feeling down and it getting progressively more intense from Saturday to Wednesday I knew it was a few weeks since I last spoke with her, and figured it was psychological, exact same thing happened when I contacted her a few weeks ago at the 30 day NC mark. But its just very disappointing to be back in this mood again, feels like square 1 again I cant figure out has changed between when I felt great and how I feel now.

 

Anyway, suffice to say Im thinking of her again in work here this morning and my desperation/sadness/whatever thought process goes "Things were so great, we did x y z together. We loved each other so much. How is she over me so easily? Why am I in bits and shes grand?" etc. Then last night I thought of an argument we had towards the end where I just behaved so badly. I feel so ashamed and guilty and want to just even apologise. I don't know what I want actually. Its just hard to understand how we've gone from discussing living together, the future, holidays, our sex life was great and I know she definitely loved me, and I her, to this point that we cant even talk anymore, and there is seemingly zero prospect of ever reconciling. We had such a sh*t last 2-3 months tho, I cant blame her for feeling like that. Id love to know if she actually misses me at times, regrets things. Ill never know I suppose.

 

I had had a few dates from online/Tinder things, but deleted them, Im just not in the right frame of mind for anything like that, but at the same time now I feel Im missing out and not being active in trying to fill this void in my life. I also would like to have a family of my own, and going from a relationship I thought was my future, to single and 31 and with zero prospects scares me. Rightly or wrongly, Im really worried about that and keep thinking if I was 28 or even 29 Id have time on my side, but I don't now

 

 

 

Ah, I dislike always putting negative entries into this, but I suppose that's what its here for and I do feel a bit better having typed that. I just got this hot flash thinking Im 31 and checked her online profile (shes on the online dating site too, the joys), so needed to cop on fast so posted this!!!

 

In terms of myself, Ill be rejoining the rugby team after a short hiatus. Heading to the end of year dinner in June, which is fun to think about, but beyond that I don't know what else to do. Im more an introverted person than extroverted, but right now being at home alone in the evenings is lousy, I feel lonely and anxious all the time for some reason, then that quickly turns to frustration and sadness and I end up in this downward spiral. What is that? As said, I was so happy and upbeat Thursday to Sunday, why cant I just make myself feel like that all the time, whats with the ups and downs? Ah well

[Labhrais85]

Had a great evening yesterday, I ended up going to a speech (work related) thing and really enjoyed it and found it interesting. Was in great form yesterday evening so went out for a run, tidied a bit and had a good evening! Heard from my former manager from years back, he was fantastic, always saw him as a great mentor. Hes from England and living back over there but made arrangements to meet as he'll be in Dublin soon

 

This morning though was very rough again. Repeating exactly the same pattern as a couple of weeks ago; woke up feeling great, but god the drive to work was a nightmare. All that was going through my head was our last conversation. Kept saying to myself

 

-She was hurt from not hearing from you for so long

-She (claimed she) was upset and sad and heartbroken and wished we could get back together

-I didn't do enough to reassure her things would be better

-Quick! Send her a message

 

Just a loop of that thought process, analysing every little thing she said and did from the last night I left her place to the final message she sent me. All a load of nonsense and I wouldn't act on it (having said that I did act on it last month when the same happened so I have no reason to expect an any-way civil exchange).

 

While this feels lousy now I must say, its fascinating. Im on day 28 of NC now and I remember approaching 30 days last month the exact same thoughts and rational were racing through my head. Someone on this site said that there are certain milestones in NC, its like a person getting a 'fix' or something theyre addicted to. Break NC and get your fix and feel better a brief period, then feel worse, then get to the point of desperation. It was slightly more insightful than that, but it made complete sense, and in my case anyway theres a very clear cycle formed. Supposedly the 30 day and 90 day mark are meant to be hard, but the upside is the 31-89 day period must be a breeze???

 

Interestingly, I can always tell if Im in a 'good' or 'bad' mood by asking myself something; 'if it was her birthday tomorrow, what type of message would I send her?'. On the 'good' days I feel grand thinking Id send her nothing more than "happy birthday", or nothing at all. On 'bad' days I tell myself Id send a long email detailing how great a life Ive been having and all this and that I still care about her and would be nice to hear from her etc. Kind of a litmus test. Again, I mention it because I find fascinating and a real learning

 

This journal and this site have been fantastic though, I can only imagine how hard it would've been to not succumb to urges to text or email without it, and every time I did that it would have set me back further.

 

 

Anyway, this evening Ill be picking up some things I have in the city centre, then head to the gym and maybe catch a movie, depending on time!

[Labhrais85]

Well, 30 days of NC today. Should get the timeline down actually

 

-Late November - break / break up

-January 9th - date for contact, but never happens

-January 24th - my birthday, ex gets back in touch

-January 30th - meet for coffee, exchange texts after and decide to leave things 'as is'

-Early Feb - ex gets back in touch, but leave things 'as is'

-The next day - ex opens contact again, decide to give a reunion a chance!

-Mid Feb - ex changes her mind, I panic and floodgates open

-Late March - I contact my ex, disaster ensues

 

The end I don't know how I feel about that. I cant believe its 5 months since we saw each other with the exception of that lunch we had. I cant figure out if it feels like less or like more. And 5 months... god, that's a long time. I wrote here before, when January 9th passed and we didn't talk I was sad, but I was able to accept it, I don't know how but I was able to draw a line under things and say "I got my answer" and I was ok with it. Even after seeing her and the initial texts I again was able to calmly and rationally think things through in my head and accept what had happened. It was in the 3 day period between me deciding to give reconciling a go and her then texting saying 'no thanks, changed my mind'.

 

Maybe I had been bottling up feelings and they just burst through? I know in those 3 days I was thinking of our relationship very much and all the good times and then thinking of the future we had discussed and imagining it all again and it was actually exciting and made me happy, then seeing the text and reading through it... wasn't nice. The ensuing back and forth we had was bad too and Im so frustrated I let my emotions take over instead of trying to stay calm.

 

Then the fact we're in a position where she wont even talk to me now. I have so many questions, things I want to apologise for, and things I just want to get off my chest, but I feel like I cant; I opened up all these feelings and Ive nowhere to channel them. While its been 5 months from the break up, I think and feel as if it only really happened the night I got that text from her 2 months ago. I just cant seem to get her out of my head, some new random memory I had forgotten will pop up and all of a sudden it plays on my mind for ages. The worst are when its a feeling of guilt for something lousy I did; I think of it and how it must have made her feel and I want more than anything to simply text saying sorry for it; not to try get back together, not to start talking again, but to make sure she knows Im sorry for it. Is that odd?

 

 

 

Anyway, the football finals are on this Sunday, Dublin are in it and I have tickets. Have taken Monday off, as have a huge amount of my friends, Im looking forward to that. Beyond that, Im actually looking forward to just taking it easy tonight and tomorrow (altho my mood regards that can change very quick ). One of my best friends who lives a 2 minute walk from me and has been very helpful in my low periods this past couple of months has said he may be leaving Ireland for over a year on work. That's been sad to hear, will have to see how it goes.

 

Happy Friday everyone

[Clarisse]

Stop dwelling on the good things, it's keeping you stuck. Make a list of all the negatives, no matter how big or small. From the horrible things she said to you during the last conversation you had to the way she slurps her coffee. Every time you find yourself romantizing about the past, pull out the list and remind yourself of the reality of the situation. You have to reframe your thoughts if you want to move on. I promise you she wasn't as great as you think she was.

 

Good luck.

[Labhrais85]

Been a couple of weeks!

 

Ive been very busy in work, but in my personal life I went away with friends last weekend and had decided to cancel any dates I may have had set. However, there was a date I had arranged a while back but completely forgot about, and since it was so close to the time and I was going to be in town I decided to go through with it. Was just a coffee and ice cream. Got on absolutely great with the lady in question. Had loads of conversation, really enjoyed it and seemed to click; very similar senses of humour, similar interests, no silences and she was quite attractive and was a very genuine, friendly and kind person. That was 2 weeks ago. Since then we met 4 times in total, and had a great time each time and had plenty of texting.

 

I was really enjoying it because it was something that I wasnt expecting and really enjoyed the dates and the frequent texting and joking and so on. All seemed great. However, on our most recent date we slept together. Initially I was quite excited and really enjoyed myself and she seemed to too, however immediately after I felt terrible. My immediate feelings were sadness, loneliness, confusion and bizarrely even a bit of fear. I wanted to contact my ex. I felt like I had totally relapsed and that I was totally alone despite being with this person Ive had such a great 'connection' with these past 2 weeks.

 

I thought I had made loads of progress, I no longer idealize my ex or think shes the perfect female form, nor do I romanticise our time together. I definitely recognise that she was a huge part of our break up, it wasnt all me, I wasnt some nasty bully who treated her like sh*t, she was quite cold, rude and selfish which I definitely see. Even reading my OP of this journal I feel I was completely and unfairly apportioning so much blame to myself. Yet, in spite of this, I clearly still havent got over her.

 

A thought Ive had; Ive had 4 significant relationships in my life. My first which last around 3 years and my most recent which lasted 2 years were the most serious by far though. My first relationship ending was incredibly hard to get past (I had no previous experience or perspective and was very sad at it ending), but my ex in that instance strung me along for months and ultimately I had to ween myself off and get the necessary heartache of seeing a new guy enter her life to decide to go NC and see it through. In that relationship also, after a number of months she came back to me seeking forgiveness and another chance which I refused. Whereas with my most recent ex I feel it was just immediate cold-turkey. She said some things to me which made me feel like I was a terrible nasty person and I didnt get to reply. And just having her axed from my life has been hard to deal with. I feel I havent got closure. Im wondering if thats whats holding me back on things? Needless to say, I wont be contacting her either way

 

Ill head to bed now and see how I feel in the morning, hoping itll be a good day!

[Labhrais85]

Turbulent couple of days.

 

My thoughts on the way I felt after Sunday are that those are feelings Im going to have to face eventually, and I do like this new girl in my life, she seems great. So Im not going to end things. Ill have a chat with her next time we meet and be open about things with her tho

 

The whole episode has completely put my ex front and centre in my mind again, and its making me analyse everything around our breakup again. I don't know why now, but I had a thought that shes likely seeing someone new or at the start of something new, which never bothered me before as its inevitable and something Ill end up doing too, but this morning it really really jolted me. Then thinking that this thing I have with this new girl could be the start of something new really scared me too, even more so than the idea of my ex seeing someone new. I don't know if anyone else has experienced that, but it was really strange, and very unsettling. Best way I can describe is like leaving a job you've been in a long time to start in a new job I guess... Maybe, in that context, its natural. I keep analysing everything around it, but when I stop and ask myself "Do you want to be back with her right now, do you want that relationship again?" and really analyse the negative sides of it as well as the good, I actually think that I don't, but I still cant shake this feeling of gloom

 

Also means that whatever lingering doubts or hopes I had are truly worthless, and need to face that and move on. Ive had 4 significant ex's in my life, this is the first one, however, where the ex wanted absolutely nothing to do with me post breakup. That coldness and knowing someone who was such an important part of your life and who you both planned futures together with wants absolutely nothing to do with you is disappointing, and really bothers me. I hate the way things were left. More has come to light in the past few weeks regards its ending from mutual 'friends', which makes the way she acted and stuff she said make more sense, but its sh*t nonetheless.

 

Ive said it before here; the breakup happened in November, but in my mind it only happened in February, then the final exchange in March is still fresh too. I think that's why it still feels so fresh, coupled with the way it ended and the new status quo. My hope/feeling is that if I push through this with this new lady in my life it will be hard, but will get me past my ex, and I really hope something good comes of this new romance. Oddly, I feel really poorly and very anxious at the moment, but its because Im on the cusp of something new; like Im finally reaching the point of absolute no return or something, which is good and should be fun!

 

Hoping everyone is getting on well here!

[Silverbirch]

Hey, I'm sorry you are feeling bad. Breakups suck. It all takes time unfortunately - I'm experiencing it myself even though I'm a lot older than you are. I try and remind myself about exes who I thought I would never get over, but I did. So far, all my exes have come back, but way too late, and I had moved on by then. I tell myself that unfortunately, the breakups and the pain Fe part of what needs to happen before I can move onto something much better in life. I hope you have a good day.

[Labhrais85]

Thanks Silverbirch, I appreciate the kind words, and same to you regards feeling better and having a good day

 

Yea, theyre lousy. Im definitely on the upswing, like compared to how I felt the early weeks of it, its much much different now. I get frustrated at times because as I said Im at the point I have taken off the rose tinted glasses regards my ex, but I still feel down and miss her. When I really delve into things and remember the negatives and the red flags I actually think breaking up was a good thing, but that only lasts a brief while, then the sorrow and missing her sets back in. Someone here made a great point that helped me understand that tho; Im not necessarily missing her, rather Im missing the comfortable and familiar situation and the lost future, and afraid of having to build all of that again. Really made sense and helped me rationalise some of my feelings, may help you too?

 

While Im excited/anxious about this new woman in my life, I really look forward to the day that Im comfortable and happy at able to be alone again. In the early days I used to dread leaving work because Id spend most evenings alone in my house, absolutely dread it. But (and while its still hard at times) Im at the point I can enjoy spending an evening in. I actually went for a run then sat in last night and watched a movie and really enjoyed it, which I wonldnt have been able to enjoy only 3-4 weeks ago

[Labhrais85]

Hmm, having bother with things still. Again, I keep analysing the break up with me ex, and I cant shift this feeling that I need to send a final message to get my closure. I wont do that of course, I wouldn't give her the satisfaction and it wouldn't do me the slightest good. But still, its incredible the mental gymnastics your mind will pull on you when you reach certain points of desperation!!

 

My major hang up is just how it ended. It didn't end because fundamentally we weren't compatible; we went through a rough period and handled it dreadfully, and what should've been a bad period became a break up. Other ex's I could always rationalise things and move on because we just didn't match, there were underlying problems making it unworkable. My most recent ex tho I just cant point to anything like that, and that's pissing me off frankly. I know that's actually not true either; my ex was a cold and mean person, she had her moments. I got her a new TV for her new apartment shortly before we broke up and she couldn't sync her UPC remote to the TV and got so stroppy and moody with me over it. Rolling her eyes, cursing and acting like I had done something horrible. I remember that now, had completely forgot it. Anyway, one example

 

The new lady in my life, I like her and she seems kind and sweet and is physically attractive, but I can already feel this block going up in my mind for her, and that's driving me even more mad. Shes being flirty in her texts but I have no interest in replying in kind, as in I just dont want to, but I know if I was thinking straight I definitely would want to! The relationship with her thus far has definitely helped me and I do like her, that's why I keep saying to myself to do something, whatever it takes, to bury these lingering feelings for my ex, because I don't want to end things.

 

Further, this is how I felt when I started to go on dates with other girls; emotionless, sad, confused, but I just kept putting myself out there and enjoying them and now I can go on dates and enjoy them. I forced myself past that psychological milestone. The same is true of this I believe; Ill need to face these feelings at some point, and while its rubbish, I want to get through them sooner rather than later. My sole concern is that I end up using this girl as a rebound, absolutely cannot do that. God why are these things so complicated??

 

 

Anyway, Im off work tomorrow, and heading out on Saturday for a hike with this new girl. Ill have a light talk with her about things then so at least shes aware of things and do what she wants. Apart from that I haven't got much planned, just going to go to the gym and try to relax and enjoy myself. Hope everyone else is having a good day!!

[Labhrais85]

Its been a hard few days. Been at low points again. The new lady that was in my life, I spoke with her regards my mixed up feelings for my ex. I dont know where I stand with it now, but she seemed to want to keep on going with things, said it was part of my healing. But god, I feel like sh*t today. Its not helping. Well, maybe it is from the PoV of 'Ill need to face these feelings eventually, and hitting this low point is what Id need to do'. Fu*k, why are things so hard. Ive moved past the romanticising, idealising and all of that of my ex, I no longer blame myself for the break up, I recognise her faults, but I still want her back, and as much as I say otherwise I havent given up my hope of reunion.

 

I was with my mam and talking about this with her, and I asked her about my first girlfriend, that was 3 years long and very intense, but I cant remember much of it, how I got past it and so on. I told her I just remember I seemed to accept it and get past it, to which she looked amazed. It took me months of 'grieving' and god I did stuff I cringe at thinking about. I honestly couldnt remember any of that though until she mentioned it. Its weird, but it made me feel better; Ive been through this before and I lived. I just keep obsessing about how my ex got past me so quickly, how she had no regrets and was able to so comfortably slam the door on things, but then maybe she didnt. Maybe she had a hard time too.

 

Its such a low point today, considering its been a weekend of pure super weather. I feel better with friends, but once Im alone again, BAM, back in the dumps.

 

I hope everyone else here is having a good time and has enjoyed the weekend!

[Labhrais85]

I don't know why but its really hitting me today that this is over. I have thought about the stuff she had said when she said she was finished that was giving me hope; 'I might feel differently in the future', 'I wish we could get back together more than you know', 'It breaks my heart that this is happening', 'I miss you so much', yada yada yada. Its all just bullsh*t tho. Maybe she was being nice or was confused or whatever, but her actions have spoken louder than those words

 

Her birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks, and all that's going through my head is that. Then I think that its irrelevant; that event and that date are nothing to me anymore and she wont be thinking of me. In fact if I do enter her thoughts on her birthday it will likely be 'Christ I hope I don't here from him'.

 

I keep thinking my life is boring and empty at the moment (in this frame of mind), but that's not true at all, I have a couple of weekend breaks, an end of season party with the rugby team and a road trip around the USA all in the next 3 months, among my usual social life. And again, when I actually think a bit deeper about my ex and the former relationship, I don't actually want to go back to it. Hate these funks.

[Labhrais85]

Still in this funk. Its crazy, things ended in November and we've only set eyes on each other once since then, like its been nearly 6 months and I thought I was doing great. I had reached a consistent period where I was looking at things logically and decided I was ok with everything, but now I feel so low.

 

It had never bothered me the thoughts of my ex with other guys as its inevitable and natural and Ill meet other women and all that. But it is really really hurting me now, and I cant make my mind stop thinking about it. I just have this constant feeling of sadness following me and Im so embarrassed by this, but the only time I felt happy the past week or so has been when I was day dreaming about my ex sending me a text after her birthday saying she missed me and then the two of us meeting and hugging and kissing. That's so pathetic.

 

Its 7:30am here and Im in work and I don't know what to do. I just feel numb and sad and completely empty. I actually feel worse than I have since this all started, Ive actually lost my appetite the past week for the first time. When I delve deeper into my thoughts tho and really focus on my ex I still come to the conclusion I don't miss her, going to rant her, but Ill do whatever helps, she;

 

-had major issues regards sex,

-had no hobbies or past times and never had anything to talk about apart from Home and Away,

-never wanted to have deep discussions,

-never made the effort to come to my house, I always had to go to hers,

-never talked openly about things,

-was so selfish with important things,

-told me gifts I got her were crap and complained to me about them not being good enough,

-moaned and nagged relentlessly about trivial things,

-treated me to one date night in the last months of our relationship,

-had no appreciation for the stress I was under and offered no support,

-and was a nasty devious bit*h in how she ended things.

 

Why did she bother to get back in touch with me when she clearly had her mind made up. Keep dangling reunion, then withdraw when I wanted to try. End things entirely by text telling me what an I was and how I had hurt her so much. Giving me no chance for a rebuttal. She had mental issues from her family life, fine, but she was a cold and devious bit*h. I swear she wanted to settle a score with me or something, and I know her friends only too happily egged her on during the whole thing.

 

Wow, this post really took a turn!!!! I actually feel better having had that rant now though, so Ill leave it in.

 

I hope everyone else is feeling well!!!