Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[boltnrun]

Is it unusual for you to do things on your own?

[Ksol9]

Especially unusual when it’s something I know nothing about. No experience, no knowledge. I normally take the safer route. I don’t know much about this industry. It’s intimidating and I feel very vulnerable. To answer your question, yes, it’s unusual for me to push myself to do something like this on my own.

[boltnrun]

Well, that's a really good thing, IMO.

[Ksol9]

I’ve been very upset all day and I’m doing my best to cope with it all by myself. I haven’t mentioned this to a single soul and I guess that is why I’ve found myself here. Just need to get this off my chest. I just didn’t want to trouble my family or friends with this drama again. I also thought if I ignored it and did not put any energy into it, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but no matter what, it is bothering me very much. To the point of tears.

 

Saturday mornings I normally go to the office for a few hours. I didn’t have any plans for today other than get my nails done. When I got to the office, I checked my emails. Most of it was junk, so I was archiving them one after the other. Then I got to an email that looked strange and I didn’t recognize the sender. When I opened it, it read, “ hi, you don’t know me, but I know “him” (his name) and i’d like to talk to you about a few things if you don’t mind.”

 

I was in shock. I still am, but also I’m extremely sad. I can’t even put a finger on exactly why. I’ll elaborate in a few. I had no idea who it was. No name, no phone number. Not that I’d call, but my head was racing. What was this all about and what does it have to do with me? How did this person get my contact info? Im so upset. I finished up my work in the office and then went out to my car. I didn’t even have breakfast. I lost my appetite and a very familiar, horrible feeling came over me. I began to feel like I did when I was with him. I sat in my car and googled the email address. A name came up that I didn’t recognize. The email address was also listed under a nail salon that was located right across the street from my businesses. I’m familiar with the salon, but I’ve never been there. There are reviews talking about the owner which was the same name the email address went back to. I signed on Facebook. I was feeling like a detective at this point. I was under my mother’s facebook and I searched the page belonging to the salon. I found the salon owner’s personal page. At this point, I know her full name. I scroll down to her friend’s list and sure enough, he’s on the top of the list. I stopped right there and then. I came up with some conclusions, but I don’t know for sure. I think I know enough.

 

She must be someone new that he got involved with. She is not the same woman he met in November. I don’t know what is going on and I don’t want any part of it. I honestly feel like I’ve hit a brick wall. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live like this anymore. I’m sad and I’m angry. Why is this happening? Just a few weeks ago he showed up at my door. I cant take this anymore. I don’t know what to do. I just wish I never met him. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m trying to live my life and I’m trying to move forward, but it’s like I can’t escape this. I’m in pain. Pain over everything I’ve been through with him. I’m thinking about all the betrayal and lies. I forgave him so many times and he continued to hurt me over and over. I feel like he is still finding ways to hurt me. Here I was thinking I was in control of who can and can not hurt me.

 

I don’t care what she has to say. I blocked the email address. I’m not going to reply. I want nothing to do with him. I have not been on social media for months...since last year and I can’t even think about going back on in the near future because I can’t bare to see anything about him. I don’t know how to escape this. This brought back a lot of pain, flooding pain, and I feel like I’ve taken a ton of steps backward. I can only hope it is temporary.

 

I’m not ok today. Im not myself. I feel drained. I just want my mind and my heart to heal and I want all my worries to go away. I can’t believe I’m here typing away about him...once again. Its gone too far.

[Ksol9]

I’m feeling better today. Yesterday I let that silly email get the best of me. I don’t know what is going on with him or what that woman was contacting me for, but I’m not going to allow any of it to drag me down. I am a highly sensitive person and I used to be very weak. I’m not anymore. I had so many emotions yesterday. I even started to doubt myself. I thought back to all the things he put me through and I really started to think maybe I was the problem. I started to beat myself up. I fought with myself for too long over that man and I can’t do it anymore. I just want to be left alone and I want to take care of myself. That’s all. I’ve come so far and have made so many changes. I don’t want to ever feel the way I did yesterday ever again. It was a horrible reminder of all the things I went through in that relationship. I’m pretty certain this woman is going through what I went through. She is doubting or questioning, something along those lines, and that is why she contacted me. For all I know he made up some kind of scenario. He doesn’t know who he’s messing with. He better not drag me into any of his sick games. I’ve been very passive, allowing him to contact me, allowing this, allowing that. I have not once contacted him since May of 2017! If he or anyone else contacts me again, I won’t tolerate it. I feel like things are going too far. This is just craziness now.

 

I have an important appointment tomorrow with our accountant and orientation for the National Association of REALTORS all day on Tuesday. My mind needs to be clear and free of all of this drama. I promised myself that I would refocus and keep going. I’m going to continue to block him and anything that has to do with him out of my life if it’s the last thing I do.

[boltnrun]

I'm going to guess she came upon his messages to you and wanted to know who you are and what you are to him.

 

You're absolutely correct to ignore, not respond and not engage. Not one bit of good could come from you getting involved in whatever relationship he has with this woman.

 

It's too bad that he possibly is hurting other women, but you have your own well being to think of. Getting involved would put that at risk.

 

I was going to suggest you reconnect with your therapist. I still think it's a good idea.

 

And yes, no need to unblock him. Nothing good can come of that either except more pain and more drama.

 

I think you'll find the realtors association meeting interesting. Think of how fun it will be to meet and network with a bunch of experts in your new field.

[Ksol9]

I absolutely agree bolt. Nothing good can come from this other than pain and drama. Just receiving the email opened up a whirlwind of emotions. I don’t want to experience that again. I’m still affected by him. If I wasn’t then that email would not have brought on those emotions. That is an indication to me that I need to keep my guard up and stay away. I need to continue to do work on myself and building myself back up.

 

You’re also right that I need to think of myself first. It seems like this behavior is a pattern for him. He torments the women he gets involved with. He circulates. Just like he does with me. Popping up every so often. I can guess he won’t attempt to contact me while he is involved with this woman. When he gets bored or when things begin to go sour, he’ll circle around again. I’m not the only one he pops in and checks in with. It’s disgusting behavior. And to be honest I question myself. I wonder if I’m just making this up in my head? Am I just wanting to believe hes this bad person? This can’t be normal behavior, but it’s what I’ve observed from my experience with him.

 

When I got that email, the emotions it brought about, I seriously considered contacting my therapist. I have 2 options. Reach out to my therapist I was working with since January of last year or start fresh with someone new. Not sure if you remember, but I stopped seeing my therapist because he had to take a leave of abscense. Some sort of personal or health related issue. He said he was leaving town and heading out of state. He didn’t say when he would be back. I don’t know if he is in town or not. I guess I could send him an email. I don’t think it would hurt to do that at all. I agree with you. I do think I could benefit from continued counseling. I’m very open to that and I think I’ll think seriously about it. Quite honestly, what I felt from that email, scared me. Very resemblant to the anxiety, fear, guilt, confusion and pain I used to feel when I was with him. Same feelings I would get from finding messages on his phone, condoms, receipts. I’m not strong enough to say...I could care less...who cares. I am strong enough to stay away and smart enough to do extra work on myself.

 

I’m looking forward to the orientation. I would really like to meet new people. Maybe even make some quality friends. I’m ready to open new doors.

[figureitout23]

Good for you ksol, I'm glad you're going to do the work to get through this.

 

I think the reason this hit you so hard is, dare I say, the same reason it hit you hard in November, you've convinced yourself there are no other women. I think I said his back in November that you had to face the reality that all this craziness that he's putting you through isn't because deep down he loves you and wants to be with you, you have got to let that go. He is toxic. He has probably been with multiple women while still throwing out lines to you every now and then. I'm not saying this to be mean what I'm saying is I don't think you truly recognize that a leopard does not change its spot, if he was looking for other women while you were together, you can bet your bottom dollar he is doing it now.

 

Just because he's chasing you does not mean you are the only one. Just because he's chasing you doesn't mean there's still hope. You have to be the one to finally cut any and all ties. I think you are ready, I think you are strong enough, but for whatever reason you aren't doing it, and until you do this will keep happening. He is not going to change ksol.

 

You're right he's probably hurting her right now, or she's a woman from the past. I think you were smart to ignore.

[Ksol9]

I think you’re exactly right figureitout. I do think it this was just another reality check that he is the person I don’t want to believe he is. Time after time he has proven himself to be a toxic person, just by the little interactions I’ve had with him, and I still doubt myself somewhere deep down inside. It’s like you said, you think I’m ready and strong enough, but for some reason I won’t finally cut all ties. Why is that?? It’s something deep inside of me. Something internal that I need to find an answer for. I wish I could figure out why or what it is I need to heal. I desperately want to uncover this last piece of the puzzle because I believe it is why I have caused myself a lot of unnecessary pain. The attachment was so unhealthy.

 

And I don’t think you’re saying any of that to be mean. I think you’ve said what is all out on the table. The same exact things he did to me, down to the same lines, he is doing to others. It’s plain to see he is a very toxic person. The thought has even crossed my mind that maybe he will be happy with this woman and that was part of my pain. That was me questioning myself and I realize that’s only my insecurities.

 

I realize it is very possible this cycle of him popping in, him hurting me indirectly, will continue to happen if I don’t put it to a final stop. Maybe I AM ready. Maybe I AM strong enough. He’s not going to magically change and I fully well know this.

 

Time to get ready for orientation today. Not exactly sure why I have to be there from 8-4. What in the world are they going to be doing with us for so long? Well, I’m looking forward. Thank you for your post figureitout. I appreciate that you were straightforward with me..you and bolt. I need that kind of encouragement since I am not able to hear this from a therapist or family.

[Ksol9]

The orientation went well. I even met some new people. Another woman, similar in age, happened to sit next to me and it turns out she used to live nearby where I went to college. We share similar interests and, just like me, she is trying to learn everything she can about the business. We exchanged numbers and have spoken a few times since. It was nice to be around likeminded people. Tomorrow they are hosting another seminar that I think will be beneficial to me. It’s all day, so I’m goig to be missing work again. I’m not looking forward to that, but I feel I need to get these things out of the way. It’s better I learn as much as I can now. My parents agreed so I’m going to attend tomorrow without feeling guilty.

 

This week flew by. Today I was out town. I had a few things to take care of. I also got my hair cut. I feel like me again. There’s nothing like good hair! Also, My parents are heading out of town to visit my sister. I’ll have to oversee everything for the next few days. I’m actually grateful for that. I feel very grounded and productive. My mind is so caught up in work and real estate that I don’t have time to be upset or anything negative. I use my nights to reflect and unwind.

 

I haven’t been working out as much as I’d like to, but I plan to start back up with my routine. I still meditate and read a lot of self help books. I used be such a critic about these things, but they are behind all these changes I’ve made. I just want to be a heather person. I might get sidetracked at times, but I’m always fighting to keep moving forward. This hasn’t been easy. No way is there an easy way through this process. I wonder sometimes if I just make it more difficult than it is.

[Ksol9]

I woke up way before my alarm is supposed to go off. I hate when that happens. I’m still really tired. I’d rather stay in bed. It’s not mandatory to go to the seminar. I bargaining with myself. I have plenty of time to sleep in and do whatever I want over the weekend.

 

I hope you all have a great day!

[Ksol9]

It’s August already! Time goes so fast...too fast.

 

I’ve been keeping pretty busy lately. I’ve been doing tons of reading regarding the real estate. I’m constsntly trying to educate myself on how everything works. I thought to myself today that I remember a time when all I thought about was him. I had too much time on my hands. Now look at me! All I think about is the good things to come, my future, my goals. It’s true what they say, change what you think about and things will start to change in your life.

 

I don’t know what it is about showers. It’s often a time for me to think and put things in perspective. I was thinking today about how much my life has changed, how much I’ve grown. I try to tell myself that I should be grateful for all the things I went through with him because it was a catalyst for change, but I’m just not there yet. Im grateful for where I am in my life, just not happy about all that I’ve gone through.

 

I know, and can feel, my life has taken a turn and is heading in another direction, but sometimes there’s doubt. Sometimes I don’t know if I’m doing all that I should be doing. Have I bitten off more than I can chew? Am I ready? Is this the right road? A lot of doubt. I guess anywhere is better than where I was. I think a lot of you who have followed my story were right. I needed to be alone for a while. It was the best thing I could have ever done for myself and for my soul. And just think, when you all would mention it was just what I needed, I thought to myself that was the worst thing I could do, that I just couldn’t..couldn’t make it. Ha! Silly me. Trust the process.

[reinventmyself]

I guess anywhere is better than where I was. I think a lot of you who have followed my story were right. I needed to be alone for a while. It was the best thing I could have ever done for myself and for my soul. And just think, when you all would mention it was just what I needed, I thought to myself that was the worst thing I could do, that I just couldn’t..couldn’t make it. Ha! Silly me. Trust the process.

I followed your story for some time. You were definitely stuck in viscous cycle.

I loved your update. It made me smile.

It is kind of uncanny when you reach a place that you are grateful for the lesson. Who would have thought?!!

 

You never ever want to go back there, mind you. But if handled right, you come out the other side a better, stronger version of yourself.

Carry on! :)

[Ksol9]

Thank you reinventmyself. Viscous cycle, pretty fitting words. The view becomes clearer and clearer as more time passes. I was so lost. Very grateful to be in a better and healthier place.

 

I haven’t seen 3am in a long time. I hardly ever have trouble sleeping at night anymore. For some reason I’m up on my phone just browsing. I’ve been working a lot. I never thought I’d become one of those people who just drown themselves in work and don’t make much time for anything else. Now I understand how easily that happens and why. I don’t think I’ve ever applied myself this much in my life. I guess it was never for the right things...myself. It was always for the wrong things and for the wrong people. I have family in town for the next couple of weeks. Actually, it’s my aunt and uncle who stayed with us for a few months last year. For those of you following, you may remember. she was pregnant and had some complications. They lived with us in the states while she sought medical care. The baby will be 1 year this month. She’s healthy and beautiful. Wow I can’t belueve a year has come and gone since! Nice to have them here again.

 

Back to burying myself in work, I wonder if I’m making the wrong choice? I keep telling myself it’s nice to be alone for a change, that I needed to be alone for a while, but what if I get stuck here. It happens right? I met a local photographer. She actually did my headshots last week for my real estate marketing. Shes a beautiful woman, a bit older than myself, but she spoke about burying herself in her work. She said dating in this town is really difficult and she’s pretty much given up at this point. Her career is booming, but her personal life is just...nonexistent. I don’t dwell on it because I often think my situation is temporary, but it has certainly crossed my mind a time or two that i’d end up alone if I continued on without a social life. I just don’t care to be out with friends right now. I just want to build myself up that’s all.

 

I also opened up an Instagram and a Pinterest account this week for business purposes. I am really hesitant about it because of the “viscous cycle” I was in. I don’t want to go back down that road, so I’m trying to stay within the lines. It’s mainly for business not personal use. Instagram is owned by Facebook and it keeps asking me to claim my Facebook page. I’m trying to stay far away from Facebook. I haven’t looked at his page or anywhere close. Not that I really care, I just don’t want it to evoke any feelings. Maybe I’d feel nothing, but I just don’t want to take that chance. Realtors rely on social media to promote their brand and social media is so powerful. I promised myself that I’d use it for that pourpose only. No snooping around to parts that I know has gotten me into a lot of trouble in the past.

 

Going to try to get back to sleep. Have a great weekend everyone!

[Ksol9]

What a nice, relaxing Sunday! It’s been raining all day and I’ve been in bed with my laptop doing work for our businesses as well as some marketing work for the real estate stuff. I have an appointment with a fellow realtor who is going to co-list a property with me. Excited and nervous at the same time about it. Excited to get things moving and nervous because I’m new.

 

I love the rain and I love days like this. Where I can recharge physically and mentally. One thing I’ve learned in this whole journey is that I am a person who needs time alone to recharge. I’ve always thought I was the opposite. It’s funny because I didn’t think people needed time to recharge. In fact, I knew nothing about self care and it’s importance. Now I realize it’s really a huge part of happiness. Now I realize people who make time for it, are those who find successs.

 

Since I’ve opened this new door with my career in real estate, I’ve sort of made less time for exercise, mediatation, and reading. I spend all my extra time figuring out ways to get this career off the ground. Going to refocus myself. Balance is key.

[boltnrun]

You are starting to like yourself.

 

A lot of times, people who think they need to be around others constantly are not happy with themselves. They are looking for validation from others.

 

Now, I'm not talking about the natural social butterflies who have active social lives. I mean those who NEED to be around others because when they're alone they feel lost and maybe even a bit invisible or like they don't matter.

 

You are really starting to like yourself, which is great!

 

Enjoy your first listing, you'll remember it years down the line.

[Ksol9]

Thanks bolt! It’s a liberating feeling.

[Ksol9]

It’s been a while since I’ve been around here! Hi everyone!

 

I’m doing really well. I’ve had some ups and downs in the past month or so. A couple health scares within the family. They’ve been given a clean bill of health. I’m very thankful for that, but I took it as a sign that we all need to lead healthier lives. I’ve even taken up some new fitness routines.

 

Real estate has been going well. I actually have a showing tomorrow with a buyer who is very close to purchasing, so I’ve been quite nervous. This will be my first sale. A lot of firsts this month.. I’m learning so much and I have a great support team. I really enjoy it.

 

I’ve also had some pretty dark days earlier this month. I’m not sure what triggered it, but it was a familiar feeling that I don’t like to revisit. It had nothing to do with him. In fact, I haven’t heard anything from him since he last showed up with the kids at my door. This has been the longest he has gone without contacting me. I think we’ve both finally put it all behind us. I really don’t know what it was, but I was upset about daily stress and then I just continued to sink further into sadness. It was strange. I have developed so many coping skills that I’m able to just pick myself up and in a few days I was going at my normal rate. I guess i just wanted to feel sorry for myself for a few days. I really couldn’t tell you.

 

I read a lot about people who have been through challenging experiences (trauma, loss, breakups, etc) and regardless of the severity, you almost always come out on the other end a changed person. If you do the work that is. I’m not the same person. It’s like I’m going through some sort of process. I don’t know when it’ll be over or if it ever will, but I keep telling myself that I’ve just got to keep going. This hasn’t been easy, but it has been rewarding thus far. I want to continue working on myself and our businesses. I’ve turned into this woman who has just buried myself in work. I don’t want to entertain a social life right now. I do make time for family and downtime.

 

My sister is a dentist and every so often work will send her to different cities in the country to do continued education courses. The next one is in Vegas. We booked 2 tickets! So in between her courses, we’re going to enjoy Vegas. I’m really excited about it. It should be a nice little getaway. Hopefully, sale contracts will be in the works and I’ll have something else to celebrate. Either way, I’m looking forward to spending some quality time with my sister, just her and I.

 

Life is good.

 

Hope you all are well!

[cantgiveup]

I read through some of your story, I find it very interesting and I relate to it a lot. I am right now struggling to let go of my ex-gf even though she also had displayed obviously toxic behavior. She also has 2 young kids who I became very attached too. Also I up until last week kept looking at her FB page...

 

The only difference is I broke up with her when I just became so angry and then after months saw her again, had sex and got hooked...then she hooked up with this girl and it’s like I fell off a cliff. I have been in the depths of depression and grief and am starting to realize I may be addicted to the pain and drama of it...I really don’t even know right now.

 

However it’s nice to hear that you are doing so well now after everything you went through and for how long, it gives me hope that I will get there myself one day. Thanks for sharing your story and hope all continues to go well for you.

[Ksol9]

Cantgiveup, thanks for reading.

 

As I read your post, I remembered where I’d been. I refer to that time in my life as unhealthy because I’ve now realised how unhealthy I used to be. Two of the most important things I learned was how to be alone and how to take accountability. It really took the both of us to have an unhealthy, toxic realationship. We both fueled it in some way. Although many of my bad reactions were due to the crazy things he said and did, I don’t think I ever learned that there was one thing he didn’t control and that was how I reacted to him. I didn’t learn that until now. Can you just imagine that to this day, I have my days...bad days, where the thought crosses my mind that maybe if I was as mentally and emotionally strong and mature as I am now, that just maybe, things would have been better between us. It’s just the self doubt and guilt talking.

 

I understand what you’re going through, but no matter how difficult it is and it is very difficult, stop and change the direction of your life. If my story resonates with you and you feel you have an unhealthy attachment....let go, let go. All it does it steal your joy. It stops you from living. It stops you from experiencing love and life. Not a single person on this planet should steal that from you. It wasn’t until I started living for myself, that’s when I truly started to move on with my life. I said to myself, no matter what life has thrown at me, I’ve just got to get on with my life.

 

What I mean by this is...start with minor things. Deactivate social media, make short term goals, pick up new hobbies, lean on family and friends you’ve had for a long time, lean on those here in the forum, read....and most importantly, slow down and think about where you want to go in your life. I don’t mean 10 years from now. I mean tomorrow, next week, next month. Make up your mind, however you want to do it, just decide that you can’t live like that anymore. I promise you, things will get better. Whether she’s in your life or not.

 

I say this with all honesty, I still don’t think I’m fully healed from what I went through with that man. I still see his face in my mind sometimes. Just not in the way I used to. I don’t have pain in my chest anymore and I don’t hope for things to get better. I don’t care that he’s not in my life anymore. He’s just gone...and I’m finally ok with that. And I think you will be too.

 

Good luck to you.

[Ksol9]

Quiet day for me today. I did some work at the office this morning and then came home to have some lunch and a little nap. I didn’t sleep too well last night.

 

Every once in a while I’ll have a night where I’m up in the middle of the night for hours. Remember how I used to lay awake worrying my life away? Ha. I was so naive. Nowadays if it happens, it’s because of something that has to do with work or family, but nothing major. Luckily it’s the weekend so I can spend it catching up on sleep. Later this evening my mom and I are going to the listing to clean up some things I noticed weren’t presentable. We’re also thinking of upgrading the countertops. It has all new wood floors, but I think new countertops would make it even more attractive to buyers. It has been on the market for a little over 2 weeks now. I’ve shown it a few times. Hoping to sell it soon.

 

Not an exciting weekend. Definitely nothing to be writing about, but I just wanted to write again. I stopped writing for a while and I almost forgot what a great help it has been for me to do so. Something about clearing your head in this way. It helps me examine what I’m really feeling at the moment.

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone! It’s October already. Christmas is just a hop, skip, and a jump away!

 

Although I had a great week, I’m extremely tired. For some reason, I’ve been feeling extremely drained. I’ve been sleeping ok, but when I wake up in the morning, I still feel really tired. I normally jump out of bed ready to start the day. I’m not sure what the problem is. I’m glad it’s the weekend because I want to spend the weekend catching up on some much needed rest.

 

Something strange has been happening. The past 2 or 3 days I’ve been getting weird phone calls. The first day, I got a number of blocked calls. The first one I answered and the person hung up on me. Yesterday, I got a couple calls from actual phone numbers with different area codes. Both times they hung up. The second I called back and the woman said she never called me. Then earlier this evening, I got another call from a phone number from a different city. I answered and the person listened to me say hello a few times and then they hung up. A little while later I call back and a woman answers. I said I got a call from that number and she said no she never called. So strange.

 

My phone number is posted everywhere. Since I started this new career, I don’t screen calls. I’m forced to answer them all. I assumed these calls could have been regarding my listing or someone calling for real estate help. It’s a little strange for the past few days I’ve been getting these weird calls. I just got into real estate. It’s not like my phone is always ringing off the hook. I don’t know. Maybe I’m being paranoid. Something just strikes me as very weird.

 

Other than that, everything else is ok. I had a productive week. I’m working on some custom buyer and seller guides. I need to have these on hand for clients. That’s my plan for the weekend. I really love all this time to myself. Sometimes I feel it’s almost wrong to be this content with my alone time. I’ve had enough drama and excitement with my past relationship. I deserve this time off. I don’t want to be alone forever. I want to eventually have a healthy, stable relationship, but for right now, just for a bit longer, I just want to soak up all this freedom and solitude. It has brought me priceless clarity.

 

Have a nice night everyone!

[Ksol9]

Vegas was so much fun! I’ve been back a few days now. The week off gave me a reset I needed. My sister and I ate well, saw a show by Cirque du Soleil, gambled, and ate some more. If it’s one thing we have in common, it’s our love for good food!

 

Things have been going great. I’m content these days. That’s really the best way to describe it. Things are simple, peaceful, and calm. Maybe it’s because I’ve been trying to let go of outcomes. I’m just going with the flow. That doesn’t mean I don’t have days that are challenging. I still have rough days where I’m very hard on myself, but I recognize it right away and I spend a little extra time taking care of myself. This mindfulness thing was a game changer.

 

Real estate has been good to me as well. My listing is under contract. We’re about to do inspections and so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that everything goes smoothly so we can move forward with closing. I have a couple of other projects lined up afterwards. It’s all so exciting and I think I’m managing well. All of my focus and attention goes in real estate and our family businesses. It’s amazing how productive I am when I apply myself. Minus the unhealthy, toxic relationship I can climb mountains. I don’t ever...ever...want to go back to staying up half the night until he falls asleep so I can check his phone or checking his overnight bag for condoms or massage parlor receipts after he returns from work trips. LOL (that’s a big, over exaggerated laugh). I can’t believe I used to question myself.

 

No contact. It’s amazing how much my life has changed. So many of you have stressed the importance of it. Every time I bring myself to write here on ENA, I think about the relationship I peeled then dragged myself out of. You can’t fool yourself into thinking a half way NC is going to work. I haven’t heard from him since early July. That tiny lingering thing that I was holding on to is gone now. Maybe it was all timing in my healing, but after we went complete NC, I can feel myself becoming stronger and wiser faster. The open doors and windows were really hindering things. Do I still think of him? Yes. I still harbour anger. I still feel a little pain. I still wonder...sometimes. I think I’ve just learned to let go. Let go of things that are not good for me. I’m being very honest.

 

My goal is to continue growing. Growing our businesses, my real estate career, and most importantly myself. I don’t want to be with anyone right now. Something in me is still very numb to the thought of finding a companion. The thought of being in a relationship is not appealing. Not for right now anyway.

 

Next weekend I’m going out of town for an engagement/birthday party. I finally found a dress that I like. I’m looking forward to spending some time with my friends. I haven’t seen them since April. Apart of me can’t wait to get the event over with because I want to get back work and making money. Is that weird?

 

I have to remind myself to enjoy the ride. My plan is to do absolutely nothing for today. Hope you all enjoy the rest of your Sunday!

[Ksol9]

I’m in bed already. I decided to read a bit before I fall asleep. I read the following lines:

 

I have found that where there is a void, negativity will fill it so we must keep fueling up with positive energy so the negative energy doesn’t have room to expand. We must fuel up daily with positive thoughts, cultivate positive feelings, and take positive actions.

 

I just wanted to share it somewhere. I struggled with this for so long until I realized the importance of it. I used to hear about people talking about negative energy and positive energy. I paid no mind. In fact, I thought it was mumbo jumbo. Until...until I started paying closer attention to those with positive attitudes. I might be late, but your thoughts really do become things. I was always a worrier, a deep thinker, a negative thinker. Not anymore. I work very hard each day to change those bad habits and I truly believe that it wasn’t until I began to change that kind of thinking, that was when things started to take a turn in my life. A positive turn.

 

Just wanted to share my thoughts. Back to my book now. Have a great night everyone.

[boltnrun]

I was suffering terrible stress from my job. Until one day I decided to stop. Just like that. My stress was doing nothing but making me sick. It certainly wasn't helping anyone, especially me.

 

So yes, making a positive decision definitely works.

 

Glad you had fun on your trip.