Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

It’s been about one week since things took such a huge turn. I’ve been through a whirlwind of emotions and the first few days it felt like I couldn’t get myself together. I felt like I was struggling to get control of myself and my emotions. As of Monday, I’ve been slowly getting myself back on track. I got back to exercising last night. When I finished my workout, I felt great.

 

I’m really grateful for my family and friends. Everyone close to me knows what I am going through at the moment and they are all really supportive. This weekend I am going out of town just for one night. I’m really trying to stay busy. That is the only way through this. My days are ok. I still think of him often and I wonder how he could just move on and forget about me so quickly, but anytime I begin to wonder those things, I stop myself. I don’t dwell and I remind myself that I no longer want someone like that in my life. Eventually I’ll think of him less and less. Time heals as they say.

 

I’ve been thinking a lot about dating. The only person I even feel safe getting involved with is the man I spoke about previously. I’ll call him L. I’ve been thinking seriously about re-opening that door. I think we could take things slowly, day by day. I just wouldn’t want to ruin our friendship. Sometimes I wonder if the reason I’m exploring the thought is because I’m so desperate to make this pain stop...to forget about him. We’ve gone down this road before and I think it hurt him when I ended things once again. I really need to think and process this before making any decisions.

[Ksol9]

I’ve been feeling really agitated, so this post is solely to vent. I feel like I’ve been looking for a reset button and can’t find one. My mind has been in overdrive. If only I could go back to the way things were before Thanksgiving. I wasn’t ready for this. This is nothing but a burden to me. I keep questioning myself. Am I doing the right thing by stifling my feelings to death? Why am I thinking about this so much? Why does it hurt so much? Could I be wrong about him? Is he really this damaged person I paint him to be? Then I think, everyone else can’t be wrong and I’m right. There’s no way.

 

I think it was sweetgirl who advised to think of all the bad things. When thoughts of him arise, think of how he treated me. Often times it works and that’s exactly how I stop my thoughts. I remember his lies. I remember the receipts for massages late at night. I remember the second receipt being the smoking gun. There is no doubt in my kind that second receipt was for the happy ending. I remember going back to the house a few weeks later only to find more condoms and receipts for massages days after I left him this time. There wasn’t another woman in his life at the time, there were happy endings and prostitutes. The email to another woman while out of town. The spiteful actions. The silence. Breaking up for no good reason...one too many times. No communication. Down to the texting for important matters. Blaming me. Taking no responsibility for our problems. I’m embarrassed to admit that I settled for this. Why am I stewing in this? It’s not going to change anything. He was not good to me. There is no questioning that. If I was to accept these things...all the things I mentioned above as truth, I’d move on with my life. Yet I question and doubt myself.

 

Something has to change. I can’t continue to live like this. I just listed facts (because that’s what they are) that prove he never loved me. A real man would never put me through those things. It’s not like I don’t know real, genuine love. I have that from my friends and family, even L who I consider my closest confidant. I don’t want to struggle with this anymore. I have all the tools and opportunity right in front of me. I’m excited about my future, but it’s like I’m not in peace when it comes to him. It’s the one thing that burdens me. I’m facing everything head on. I’m moving through all my fears and I’m thinking about my future. With him is not where I want to be nor where I belong. He has to face all of his demons one day. One day he will realize what he did and he will regret it. I will eventually heal from this and I will have the relationship I desiire.

 

This is the first time in my life I am working on myself and working through these internal issues. I know there is some sort of reward for this. It’s just brutal. It’s ugly. This entire process is excruciatingly painful. I’m exercising, putting on healthy weight, looking good and feeling good. There has been talk about new business ventures. I’m beyond happy with my circle of friends and family. My love life is non existent, but I am grateful and blessed for those I do have in my life. I meditate daily. I journal here on ena and I’m my gratitude journal. I listen to motivational speeches daily. Pilates..therapy...etc. The only thing holding me down is him. He’s gone for good. He’s no longer apart of my life in anyway. I’ve blocked him out completely. I just wish I could open my eyes from sleep one day and not care about him.

[Ksol9]

Phone session with my therapist when well. His advice: keep pressing on. You’re moving in the right direction. Be consistent and trust in your decisions. You are a strong woman. You are powerful and you can do this.

 

I believe I am all of those things. I finally believed I was deserving of more and that is the purpose behind the direction I decided to take the day I left him in May. It’s still my purpose today. It is my goal to break all of the unhealthy habits I have in relationships. That is what I’ve been working so hard on. I’ve been through a lot this year. I’ve accomplished a lot. I’ve grown a lot. Everything I’ve been going through the past couple of weeks is NOT going to stop me.

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone, stopping in to write an update.

 

I had a great weekend. I went out of town to finish up holiday shopping and to attend an art festival. Once a year the city hosts an international art festival, so there was lots of festivities. Great food, great people, really nice galleries. I had a wonderful time.

 

While I was there I received a message from one of our employees who decided they needed a week off due to school exams. It was last minute and caused me so much anxiety. I was so upset, but I’ve learned a lot in these past few months. I can’t allow things like this to upset my world. We have to regroup and figure it out. My dad and I had a good conversation about what we are going to do. This week will be pretty hectic with work, but my mindset is to just go with the flow. I don’t have a choice in the matter, I just have to deal with it the best way I can. I started to think to myself that I felt I was having a lot of bad luck lately. It seems like it’s just one thing after the next. Then I thought it through. Our businesses will never be without burden. Life is never going to be without burdens. It’s apart of life. We all face challenges. We just have to be able to get through them with grace. Dad and I are under a lot of stress, but it’s so important that I keep a positive attitude. We are going to get over our hurdles.

 

I went to breakfast with L this morning before heading back home. He gave me some great advice about my situation with work. We laughed and talked. He is going through some family issues and is under some stress as well. We both provided some peace of mind for eachother. I’m so grateful to have such a great friend in him. I’m starting to feel a little normal again.

 

Onwards and upwards...

[Ksol9]

I had the longest day of work yesterday. I crashed as soon as I got home in the evening and here I am laying awake in the early morning hours unable to go back to sleep. I dread these hours. They make my mind go in all sorts of places.

 

I seem to get into a deep thinking mode...too deep. I’ve finally started reading a book my therapist suggested. Everything sort of went out the window since the Thanksgiving thing that happened. I’m proud of myself for not getting stuck for long. I’ve pretty much resumed everything I was doing before and I’ve been feeling much better. I still think about him quite a bit. I hate that I do. That chapter has been closed, but thoughts remain. I’m trying to be patient with myself. It’s like I have compartmentalized and I’m just waiting for it to go away. I keep reminding myself that time has a crucial role in this entire process. I’ve been doing really well with this NC thing. Now I understand why it’s so highly recommended. I haven’t seen a thing about him online and I haven’t heard anything about him from anyone. I did see him on the road on Sunday and Monday. Sunday I saw him drive past my job. I was right next to him as I was on my way home. He saw me and I pretended not to see him. I saw him again on Monday in the grocery store plaza. He didn’t see me. I left and decided I’d go back later in the day to do my shopping just to avoid seeing him.

 

The year is almost over. It’s been a rough ride and I’m over it. I feel like I’m at the tail end of this thing. He’s out of my life physically. It’s just whatever is left in my head that I must get out. Let go...let go. I’ve filled my days with work, with self care, with all sorts of other things. Yet still, he crosses my mind pretty often. Never will I ever invest myself in someone unless I know for a matter of fact that the other person is invested in me. I made so many foolish mistakes. I will never compromise myself like I did with him. It’s not worth it. I feel like it’s human nature to take advantage and to take for granted. Or maybe it’s just bad people out there. Bad people like him.

 

My therapist has mentioned many times that right now I am like a pendulum. I’ve swayed to another extreme. Eventually, things will stabilize and I’ll open up more. I’m very mindful of that.

[Ksol9]

This work week has been very difficult. Our employees are not coming back until Monday or Tuesday of next week. I’ve been really tired. Can’t wait til it’s over so I can get some time to myself to rest and relax.

[Ksol9]

I interviewed a new potential employee yesterday. I think she will work great with us. I just have to see what my dad thinks and then we can start training her. I’ve been working really long hours and I won’t be getting any days off until the employees come back to work. I’m really tired and I feel like I’m in a daze. Although I haven’t been feeling well, I still managed to get in some workouts. I’ve also been reading a book my counselor suggested. If any of you are interested in reading, it’s called, “When God Winks” by Squire Rushnell. It’s a really great book I think. I wasn’t too interested in reading it because it focuses around coincidences that guide your life. As I read more and more, I couldnt stop reading it. My counselor has been trying to get me to read it for months and months. Finally opened it up on kindle and I read throughout the day when my schedule permits.

 

I’ve been trying to take it easy this week in terms of my overthinking. I’m mindful that I’m under a bit of stress from work, so it’s very easy to get overwhelmed. I keep feeling like I need to find some solitude to recharge, but that’s just not possible right now....eventually I guess.

 

Have a great weekend!

[figureitout23]

How have things been ksol?

 

In reference to your setback, as others have said you only went full NC for brief moments when you blocked him for a bit, he was still messaging you and coming to your house and calling you and 'bumping' into you so things were never truly final. Now that they are, I personally think your journey back to 'normal' will go a whole lot smoother.

[Ksol9]

Hi there!

 

Happy New Year! I hope the New Year has been good to you all so far.

 

A lot has happened in the past few weeks in regards to family and my progress in my personal life. I feel like it has been forever since I’ve been back here to write on ENA. It has only been about 3 weeks, yet so much has been going on.

 

One of my uncles fell very ill days before Christmas. We thought we were about to lose him. It was discovered that he was experiencing some complications due to alcoholism. We had no idea. He was very functional. I guess there were red flags, but I really didn’t know he was struggling with this. Those of you who have followed my story may remember developments that came about through therapy that identified my codependency in relationships. I’ve also identified the correlation between alcoholism and addiction which is also present in some elders in my family. I’ve just been observing and piecing together a lot of things from my past as a result of this recent issue with my uncle. He underwent surgery and has recovered. After 3 weeks of being in and out of the hospital, he is at home and is doing well. He is going to be ok. Thank God.

 

In addition to my uncle and his health issues, we still have some challenges with our businesses. That’s another story, but it has been an added stress. A lot of external factors increased my stress level, but I have been taking it in strides. It has served as a distraction and for that I’m sort of glad. It’s keeping me occupied. Everything is going to work out in business and in personal eventually. I’ve learned life is never without burdens. The key is to continue moving forward...with a good, positive attitude.

 

We didn’t really get to celebrate Christmas because of all of this. We spent Christmas Day with a few other family members. It served as a day for us all to gather to reflect. That day was extremely therapeutic to me. It was eye opening to hear my father and my uncles speak about their upbringing and their vision for us...their children. Spending long hours in the hospital, family issues, business issues...it all was major in comparison to all the other mess I was dealing with weeks prior with the ex.

 

I never heard from him again since that day after Thanksgiving. I took all my social media profiles down and haven’t reactivated them. I haven’t gone back on to look at either of their profiles. I did however, have a couple of setbacks in the past 3 weeks. I somehow found some of her roommate’s Instagram profiles. I went back on a couple of times out of curiosity. I found that they have pretty much dove right into a serious relationship very quickly. I have pretty good idea of his new lifestyle which shocked me but did not hurt as bad as I thought it would. Before the New Year, I said to myself I needed to stop doing this to myself. I’m not one to make New Years resolutions, but I took advantage of the timing. I made a decision that I was leaving him behind..to let him go.

 

Since the new year started, I am working out more. I was on track previously, but Ive been much more focused In all that I’m doing. No more hiccups. I’ve even started studying for my real estate license again. I haven’t picked up that book since Hurricane Irma in September.

 

I have noticed over the past 3 weeks that I am just numb inside. It’s working to my advantage. I’m doing much better, I feel comfortable with where I am in my life. I feel safe. I don’t feel any pain...I just feel numb. I realized this the minute I saw my uncle in the hospital bed bleeding uncontrollably from his nose. Normally worry and fear would have taken over...panic of some sort. Nothing. Normally I am so sensitive. My therapist said to me some time ago, “Ksol, you are like a pendulum right now. You’ve swayed to a new extreme and in time, you will balance.” I expect when the pendulum stops swaying, my feelings will return. Crazy how that works. Maybe the numbness is a way to cope, rather than to dive head first into a new relationship like what he appears to be doing. I literally feel nothing. I feel very incompassionate at times.

 

Never thought I’d say this, but I am healing. I know I am. I still think of him everyday, but not in the way I used to. NC has done wonders. It’s true what they say. When you go NC you will feel a ton better. Finding out about his new relationship sent me in a new direction. It hurt me so much, but I believe it was the last hurt he will ever inflict on me. He’s out of my life and I will not allow him back in even if he tries. My plan is to not return to social media for a good while..maybe a few more months. I don’t want to risk any setbacks before it’s too soon. I’m just going to continue to work on myself and my goals.

 

I agree that this process will go much more smoother now that I am in full NC. I’m open to new love, new beginnings, new life. Sorry for the long post. I’ll try not to wait so long before writing again. Just needed some time to absorb.

 

Be well friends!

[boltnrun]

I think it's great that you decided to delete your accounts and block him from contacting you. That way you are no longer waiting for him to contact you but instead are focusing on you and your own life. Good job.

[Ksol9]

Hi bolt!

 

I definitely realized that I needed to keep the focus on myself and my life. I’m really anxious to get on with my life. I know it takes patience. A lot of it. With the amount of work I do daily on myself, it would be a shame if I let it go to waste. I just can’t let myself down...not at this point.

 

Hope you’re well!

[UnchainedSoul]

Hey Ksol!

 

I was hoping to see you write again. Thank you for coming back and updating us. I am sorry to hear about your uncle, I wish him a speedy recovery. I can totally relate to the alcoholism and co-dependence, I have been there way too many times, as well as other people. It runs in my family too, and even when I see the dysfunction running through the threads of my family, I know there is hope to break the cycle and start anew.

 

I am so proud of you for taking a gigantic leap and taking care of yourself. Also, picking up the book again to jump start your Real Estate career will be very helpful too. Even though your family business has been somewhat stressful and it spilled over into Christmas, I think it's just the distraction you needed. Working out a lot more too will jump start those endorphins.

 

The numbness is the stillness of where you are at. The shocks and blows that have rocked you back and forth, much like the pendulum swing, has finally settled, and you don't even feel anything. I not only know what that's like, I experience it more and more, now that I am finally stable, and life is coming at me. "Life on life's terms" is what my therapist says, so what you feel is just the absence of all that drama. Yeah, I can see how the setback of seeing the roommate's Instagram pictures, can be shocking, but hearing you say you are not hurt by it, just means you have let a lot of that go. He did, in fact, jump right into another serious relationship, and you need to work that to your advantage. He moved on, which seems like completely, so now, it's your turn too. He will just go on his merry way, and do what he does, but that doesn't concern you anymore. It is to your advantage that he has forgotten about you too, so no more baiting, texts, and hints of mixed messages. Let his new woman deal with all that crap.

 

I do wish you the best for the New Year. Don't forget about us here, I definitely do check up on your thread to see if you have written anything. Your journey was inspiring, no matter how many back and forths and ups and downs.

 

I hope Lostlove is okay too, wherever she is.

 

Good seeing you!

[Ksol9]

Hi Unchained! So great to hear from you! It's even more great to hear that things have been going well for you. I'm genuinely happy for you. I know that you've been through quite alot and through all of my struggles, I knew you were struggling too with your own challenges...yet you found the time to offer me insight and advice in times when I couldn't see or think clearly. I wish you the best and I hope for your continued success.

 

Things have begun to stabilize for me. It's crazy the difference NC makes. It was very hard to pull myself out, but I had to. The need to move forward in my life became more important than holding on to him....whatever was left of him anyway. He's gone and I don't miss him. I don't even miss the relationship. Am I hurt? Yes, very much so and I think that is a huge contributor to my feelings of numbness. He hurt me so deeply that I don't feel anymore. I've managed to steer clear of him since we went into NC. I haven't seen him at all other than one time on the road. We were right next to eachother. We looked at eachother and carried on our way like we never knew eachother. I don't know what he was thinking nor do I care and if I saw him again, I'd pretend like I didn't know him. I'm not angry. I just feel nothing. I think what you said about using the whole situation to my advantage is the best way to proceed. And that's exactly what I've done.

 

I'm using this time very wisely. I am spending alot of time alone and I'm relying on friends and family. Solitude is a great teacher. I've found clarity of some sort. I've been soul searching. Really thinking about what I want and need in a partner. I still remember your advice months ago as well as everyone else here who invested themselves in my story. You blatantly stated that I needed to be alone, to do some internal work...without him. I couldn't find it in myself to listen to you or anyone else for that matter. It was so hard to let him go. I sometimes can't believe I chose to live in that unhealthy environment. I subjected myself to a world of turmoil and toxicity. In hindsight, I completely see the problem was within. I desperately needed to figure out why I was choosing to stay and now that I've gone through the hardest part, I'm so glad I did. At the same time, I don't think I'm fully in the clear just yet and I understand that. It has been about 6 weeks or so since I last heard from him. I know as more time goes by with us being in complete NC, I will continue to make real, hardcore progress. I'm happy with myself...how I look, how I feel, and all that I am working on.

 

Before I go...

You stated in your most recent post that he is no longer my problem. That he will go on his merry way, doing what he does, and he is no longer my concern. She can deal with all his crap. What a refreshing way to look at it. I've been thinking about what you said since I read your post. Everything is going to be ok. I am going to be ok. You have no idea how comforting it is for me to finally get to a point where I can say I truly feel I'm almost over with this completely. You have no idea how great it feels to finally take good care of myself. I'm on my way.

 

It was really nice hearing from you....talk again soon!

[UnchainedSoul]

Hey Ksol!

 

I am so glad you came back to visit and write again! Thank you so much for your kind inspirational words. It has been a hard year for the both of us I think, you have had your pain, and I have dealt with mine. But let's look to a brighter 2018 shall we???!!

 

I will admit, it has been easy to just sit here and say things like "you need time to be alone" when you are on the outside of a situation. None of us here were actually living the Hell you were in, YOU were, and you needed to feel all the feelings you could possibly feel, feel all the hurt, feel everything that needed to be felt. But one thing we all knew was that we lived, and been in your situation before, I know I have, and I am sure bolt has mentioned it too, so we knew what you needed in order for you to come back to feeling like yourself again. But it was up to YOU to do that. You had to learn the lesson for yourself.

 

Solitude IS indeed the best teacher. I have spent a long time being single, and even though I just have a companion and a few friends now, I have learned what I needed to be complete. That took a lot of time and work on myself, as you are on the road to now. Letting go of him was the hardest lesson, and no one knows why we stay in unhealthy toxic environments for as long as we do, but we just do it because it is so DAMN hard to let go. I know you are not out of the clear yet, and to be honest, you may never be. It has been 14 years since the hardest relationship I ever had to endure ended, and I still think of him, and even wonder if he thinks of me. As bad as he was for me, he was a big part of my life at one time, just like this guy was to you. Your wounds will eventually completely heal, but your thoughts will forever wander because of what you two shared.

 

I am glad you are realizing your worth and what you need in a partner, those lessons some people never learn, and the cycle of pain just goes on and on. You are so brave for sticking to the NC, and now that you feel that numbness, eventually that will pass too. I am glad you are not angry, I mean for some people that is a driving factor in the healing process, but for a sensitive, caring person like you, forgiving and letting go is all you can do. I think in your own way you forgave him, that's why you no longer miss him. And maybe, it was some divine intervention that brought that other woman into his life, so he could stop poking at you.

 

I really meant what I said, when I said he is that other woman's problem, because he is. I am so glad you are in a more stable, healing place now, and finally feel that you are almost free from all of this. I know what that gratification feels like, and I know what it takes to get to that place. That sh1t ain't easy!

 

I wish you all the best in your continued success. I also wish you nothing but happiness as well, and I am so proud of you for all the progress you have made. You have come so far Ksol, and the best part is, it only gets better from here!

 

It was so nice hearing from you too! All my love!

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone!

 

I came by yesterday to post an update. Somehow I got distracted and ended up going to the office. As the day went on things got very interesting.

 

Before I get into what happened, I want to note that I've been doing well. I've been focusing on work, studying, my fitness and health. I caught a cold and have been sick for about a week, but that hasn't stopped me. I finally felt like I was recovering both from the cold and all the emotional stuff I went through. No kidding...I was saying to myself over the last week or so, "I think I'm starting to feel like myself again. I'm really moving on, I'm think I'm forgetting about him...finally." I decided to go out with my mom yesterday. I left my vehicle at the business and she picked me up. We went to get some lunch before shopping. During that lunch, I received a strange phone call or so I thought....

 

I got a call from an unknown number. I rarely, if ever, get unknown calls. I didn't think anything of it and so I answered. A strange voice asked, "Michael?" I paused. I recognized the voice immediately. It was him. He tried to change his voice. I knew it was him. I hung up. I get a text immediately after from a strange number. He said, I'd like to talk, please don't be a stranger. I didn't respond. He sends another...I've been seeing you around. Then another....nice whip btw! Still I didn't respond. He continues to text one after the other. Why aren't you answering? I'm going to show up at your job. I don't like when you ignore me. I would like to talk. If you'd like to catch up, can I take you out to dinner? I'd love to see you. Ksol? Ksol? I couldn't believe my eyes. I was surprised by all of this.

 

He calls again. In those few seconds, I thought things through. What am I afraid of? I said to myself, I am not going to run from this. I was going to handle it the exact way I had discussed I would with my counselor if I was to ever hear from him again. I felt I was in a space to do so. I answered....

 

Before I could say anything, he says...why aren't you answering me? Are you trying to play games. I stop him. I was calm and emotionless. I say to him, I don't know what is going on with you. I don't have time for games and I am not playing any games with you. I know about your relationship and I want nothing to do with any of this. I don't want to be involved. He interrupts me. He says..relationship?!? Yeah riighhht! I'm not in a relationship. You're misinformed. I smile to myself. I keep my cool. I say...I wish you the best and I hung up. I go into my settings and block the number he called from.

 

I believe he is using some sort of app that was able to get through the block. He hasn't tried to contact since and if it was an app I am sure he can easily text or call again using another number, but he hasn't.

 

I'm going to be very honest here because this forum has always been a form of therapy for me. Even those of you who have invested yourselves in my story have helped me tremendously. I don't know if I was in some sort of shock or if I just tried to brush the whole thing off, but today as I was talking to a friend of mine about the whole thing, it all came crashing down on me. I kept telling myself to brush the whole thing off. That this was just him popping up. That he must have had a problem or fight with the girl. Maybe he's bored. I was trying to make sense of it I guess. At the moment, I just feel confused. He's been with her about 2 months. I haven't heard from him in about 2 months. I can't even tell you what is going through my mind. It's not an exact thought. I don't know why it happened or what is to come if anything. All this time, I thought he just sailed off into the sunset and I've been trying to forget it all. I don't understand why he went to those lengths to get through the block. Why is he denying his relationship when he's made it very public. As I was talking to my friend on the phone, I asked her to look at his page. I asked her to answer yes or no if there are any photos of them together. Sure enough, she said yes....one of the photos posted within 10 minutes ago from the time I asked her to look. Just needed to validate he's a slimebag. Even after all this time....there was doubt in my mind. His intentions were not good, I know that for sure.

 

Just need to sort my thoughts. Tomorrow will be a better day.

 

Hope you all are well.

[boltnrun]

You did very well. Kudos.

 

One of my exes kept trying to contact me even though he was LIVING WITH the woman he had been seeing behind my back while we were dating. Publicly he was loudly declaring his love for her. Privately he was trying to reconnect with me. Why? I don't know. All I know for sure is I want nothing to do with a man who is capable of that kind of selfish deception.

 

The "why" never matters. You refused to engage with him and will not allow him to use you. Period, end of topic.

 

Again, good for you.

[Ksol9]

I have been feeling really strange. I’ve had a wave of emotion that just came crashing down on me since speaking about this with my friend. I feel like this set me back. I really did not expect that from him.

 

You know about the numerous times I caught him contacting other women. There were times I caught him texting his ex. How about the time he went out of town and emailed the married woman? I know he is capable of doing to her what he did to me. Now I am on the other end. Apart of me was thinking this whole time that he wouldn’t do this to her. Maybe he wasn’t going to treat her the way he treated me. That he just found his way out of his lonlinesss and was happy. I have even been telling myself, he’s in love with her. What I didn’t expect was for him to do this with me and not so soon. I figured if he was going to fool around, if I was right about him all this time...if in fact, my gut feeling about him all along was right, he wouldn’t dare contact me and would contact another ex or the married woman because he knew this kind of thing was a major issue in our relationship. I believed he wouldn’t give me that kind of satisfaction of being right about him. I didn’t even hold him accountable for being so disgusting for contacting me while in a relationship. He knew I knew about this relationship even from the time he began seeing her. That is the reason I question if I even handled him correctly. At that time, I honestly felt staying calm, emotionless, saying less because it meant more was the way to go, but at the same time maybe I should have put him in his place. He lied to me...again. Why wouldn’t I be upset?

 

He contacts me out of no where. After 2 straight months of NC. Calling with a blocked number and then texting with a different phone number. Why shouldn’t I be upset? He had the nerve to ask me if was playing games? He’s the one playing games! I wished him well after all of that. Lol Of course I was being sarcastic and I guess it didn’t matter how I handled him, he didn’t care. He had the nerve to contact me. He obviously doesn’t have a face to do such a thing.

 

I really think something is wrong with him mentally. I’ve been saying this for a while now. I still can’t pinpoint an emotion. Im sad, angry, disgusted, disappointed, confused, frustrated, I even feel relief, just to name a few. I just need to sit with my emotions. He’s still hurting me. Even after he is out of my life, he’s still hurting me. I don’t understand him. He seems even more like a selfish, emotionless, foolish, promiscuous, untrustworthy individual. I didn’t let him say much, but asking me out to dinner was enough for me to feel like he was just looking for some fun. He’s looking in the wrong direction.

 

I’ve got to wrap my head around this some way, some how, make peace with it, and go straight back to nc. If he tries to contact again, I think it won’t be for a few months. Seems to be his pattern. I just need to screen calls and not answer unknown numbers. If he had good intentions, it wouldn’t look like this.

[Ksol9]

The past 2 days have been the longest work days ever! I just got out of work, came home, took a shower and now unwinding. I’m so tired.

 

I’ve always been a firm believer that all things happen for a reason. Even though our business have been facing a lot of challenges lately, I welcome the recent hurdles. Work has been a huge distraction for me. It feels like it’s one thing after the other since the hurricane in September. I remind myself everyday that my parents’ businesses are strong. No matter what obstacle we face, we will be ok. We’ll make it through all the things we are facing right now. Hard work and perseverance.

 

I've been in overdrive. All of my focus has been on these businesses. I don't have the time to really think of anything that has been going on in my personal life and I like it that way. Since I heard from him, I decided I would dust myself off and get right back into all that I am working on. Yesterday and today, I've done a good bit of Pilates and now that I am home for the day, I'm going to spend the rest of the evening reading and clearing my mind. I see all these recent challenges as stepping stones to something great. Don't know what that is just yet, but I'm sure it will pay off. I can relax and have a little fun later. After what happened the other day, I decided I would act like it didn't happen and just jump right back into my regular routine. He is not going to succeed at interrupting my life anymore. He doesn't deserve that. He never did and I have to forgive myself for allowing him to do.

 

Time really does heal and time will reveal the truth. The truth is becoming more and more clear to me. For a long time, I doubted myself and my decisions. As of today, I am realizing that I should never doubt myself. All of my decisions that I've made to date have brought me peace in some way. I'm finally trusting in myself and living my truth. I said to myself on New Year's Eve that my larger goal outside of all the other goals I am working on is to just be a good person. I keep that in mind always. I just want to be a better person...to myself and to others. It's just that simple. :)

 

Hope you all are well.

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone. I opted for a quiet weekend. I spent the morning catching up on some paperwork at the office and then the rest of the day I got a pedicure and did some shopping. Throughout the day I kept thinking, it feels pretty good to do whatever I want. I'm embracing being alone. Who would have thought?

 

I typed the above and thought to myself how boring I must sound, but in all honesty, I've had enough of the roller coaster ride I was on. I truly enjoy being alone at this time in my life. I don't have to worry about anyone else and all that comes with being in a relationship. I've come to really like being able to have the freedom to do anything I want. Ultimately, I'd like to share my life with someone special, but for right now, just a little bit longer, I'd like to enjoy this time I have to myself. Nothing is worth compromising the peace I feel.

 

I thought about going back through my journal, just to remind myself where I've been, but I can't bring myself to do it. There's too much pain there. I don't want to feel what I used to feel. I don't even think the same anymore. It's so crazy what changes I've made in all these months. I'm never going back to a life where I have to struggle the way I did before. My mind and my heart are free of all those dark things that had such a tight hold on me. It feels like I am free from a prison. He represents that prison. He represents that dark life. I'm never going back and any remnants of him in my mind will die eventually. He no longer controls me.

 

I've been thinking about what my counselor said last. He made a note of how my emotions were much like a swinging pendulum and that I would eventually stabilize. Sometimes, I wonder if that pendulum still hasn't stabilized. I sometimes wonder if I have completely shut myself off from any thought of finding new love or taking any risks. As you can see by what I mentioned above, I love being alone and sometimes I wonder if I've come to love it too much. When you close yourself off from finding love, others sense it. I am as friendly as can be, but sometimes I wonder if I have closed myself off so much so that any man who may be interested may deter themselves from even giving things a try. Just a thought...

 

New love will come when the time is right. Life is not a life without love. As much as I am in peace right now, I am happy, but there is still something missing. There are times I miss companionship. I miss being in love. My time will come again and this time, things will be right, but first I am enjoying the love of my family and friends. I am going to complete myself by accomplishing all the things I've set out to do. Along the way, maybe the right one will find me.

[Ksol9]

Came here just to get this out...

 

A good friend of the family passed away today. I overheard Dad talking to his son. He said, “last night was so hard. I watched my dad gasping for air like a fish in the hospital bed.” What he said won’t stop replaying in my mind.

 

Life is just so weird. No matter how it happens, death is ugly. It’s sad. I pray for his family...that they find peace. How is it that you’re here and then you’re just not? I’m at such a strange place in life. I think I’m still going through some numbness. I just don’t feel like myself. He was sick and I understand this is apart of life, but it’s just the whole concept that we have to go through loss and death is just incomprehensible to me. Grief is a really strange thing to me.. Too deep...too much thinking right now...

 

I shouldn’t question these things. It’s apart of life. This is the way things were designed to be. I’ll be praying for them tonight and for my dad as this was a good friend of his. Life is so short. Life is so short.

 

This incident is just another example of how I know I’m not feeling like myself. Things like this, of this magnitude, affect me differently. I don’t know what it is. Maybe numbness? I feel like I’m in living in some sort of denial bubble. I don’t know what I’m going through or why, but all I can say is that after what happened to me when I left that relationship, I’m not the same.

 

Sorry if I’m not making any sense.

[UnchainedSoul]

Dearest Ksol,

 

I am deeply sorry for this loss you are dealing with. I went through a similar experience where a friend that visited me years ago, tried to contact me on Facebook back in December. I kinda brushed her off because I had cut out most of the social media from my life, and I honestly didn't want to get sucked back into it, not really that I had anything against her, I just wanted to limit my time there, so I just said my hello, how are you doing, how's life, and then logged out. Two months later, I found myself on Facebook again, (some self-discipline to cut out social media right?), but I actually went to look her up because I forgot to compliment her on all the weight loss she had made last time I was on there. I went to her page, and what I saw stabbed me straight in my heart.

 

There were countless memorials posted on her wall, and as I scrolled down in horror, I stopped cold at her obituary posted up there. Dead. At 33 fcking years old. I almost died myself right there. I wept, blamed myself horribly for brushing her off months prior, and realized this revelation you are feeling now. Life IS SO DAMN SHORT. So, so short. There are so many things I want to tell her now....now that she is gone. Isn't it amazing how screwed up we can be? Just brush people off because we are so caught up in our own bullcrap, or "attempt to better ourselves by cutting out social media" or whatever excuse I was trying to tell myself. What kills me, is I even had her number too, just sitting in my phone, not knowing that the friendship we once shared, that was so strong at one time, would be forever ended by a freak heart attack that came out of absolutely nowhere.

 

So yes, I understand that weird place. And yes, you will be forever changed by that relationship. The thing is to LIVE. Ksol. Just LIVE. I admit I went through such an ordeal after learning my friend passed at such a young age, and it ate me up. Since then, I have connected more, stayed active on Facebook, talking to people that I haven't talked to in years, called up friends in my phone just to meet for lunch or a drink, and even though it might be my lame attempt at some sort of penance, I am going to appreciate the people in my life, more and more, and connect as much as possible.

 

LIVE. KSOL. LIVE. Connect with your friends. Enjoy your life. Put him way, way, behind you as you move on. His lame attempt to lie to you and draw you in is just wasting more of your precious time. Precious time, that I have to say, is worth so much more than wasting it on him. Take care of you, just like you have been doing. Hold your head high and keep going. Love will find you when it is supposed to, you are on the right path. I know you feel something missing, but being complete doesn't necessarily mean being in love. People always get that wrong. Being in love is just an added bonus to the wonderful joy that is life.

 

So live it. Enjoy it. Connect with people. And live every single day with love and joy in your heart, and make it count.

 

All my love always, wishing you nothing but the best.

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone!

 

First off, Unchained thank you so much for your last post. I appreciate your love and support. I am also so sorry for the loss of your friend. Thank you for your encouraging words. They are so, so helpful.

 

Things have been so busy. Life is so busy these days. I’m doing well. Trying my best not to neglect any of the things I’ve been working on. Family has been my top priority these past few weeks and I’m hoping to take some dedicated time just for myself soon. I would really like to head out of town next weekend since I’ve been working so hard recently.

 

Lately, I feel like I’m finally letting go of what once was. I’m surrendering all the expectations, hopes, and whatever else I think I have control over when it comes to what is destined for me. A lot of those expectations led to hurt. I’m learning to just be open, to let things be and allow them to fall into place. I’m learning to be patient, to be present and to enjoy being where I am at this very moment in my life. I don’t know why, but I feel like the hiatus I am on from relationships is going to be worth the wait. I truly believe good things come to those who are patient.

 

I still think of him. I still miss him, but it can all be easily dismissed. He’s blocked everywhere and that’s how it’s going to stay. I’m not angry with him. Just wanted peace. A lot of things just make sense now. My past two relationships, both very unhealthy, have taught me a whole lot. I definitely don’t see the world the same. I think I’ve grown up quite a bit and I guess getting my heart battered quite a bit was what had to happen in order for me to wake up and turn my life in another direction. There are days where I feel like things are moving really slow and I get frustrated that I haven’t found a purpose in life, but I’m optimistic. It’s coming. I know it is.

 

Hope you all have an enjoyable weekend!

[Ksol9]

Hi all!

 

Haven’t been back to update in quite a while. Things are going well. I mean life is never without burden, but any challenge that has come my way, I find my way over it. I’ve been working on some new projects. Also, my nephew is turning 1 soon...at the end of this month. We are hosting a birthday party for him this Saturday. I still can’t wrap my head around where the year went. It really flew by.

 

I’ve been working very hard on staying focused. I’m grateful and focused these days. Still working hard, working out and studying. I’ve decided that I want to continue this hiatus from relationships, so no dating or any love interests. I’m just working on myself and I’m really comfortable with that. I worry that I may be too comfortable. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever meet the right person. Anytime I start to think about it, I dismiss it. Just to prevent myself from too much negative thinking. I’m content, but I’m not sure I feel fulfilled. It has almost been one year since I left him. May will be one year. I need to remind myself how far I’ve come in that year. I’ve learned some very, very hard lessons. I am stronger than I’ve ever been. I’m proud of myself for that.

 

I’ve heard from him since I last posted. He sent me some messages from a different number. I entertained a couple text messages back and forth, wished him well, and sent him on his way. Its funny how I recognize the pattern now and to be honest, I’m growing more and more numb to him. I refuse to let him affect me mentally or emotionally anymore. He still to this very day has not acknowledged what he did, the toxicity of the relationship, no remorse, no feelings or emotion whatsoever. Still he contacts by popping his head in with light conversation to see if I fold, then he’s gone again. It’s really bizarre to me. I blocked the number and continued on with my life. There’s no space for him here. I have heard the girl he met in November is out of this picture. I’m assuming that is why he attempted to contact me. He pops in every 4-6 six weeks. I don’t expect it, but that seems to be the same old repetitive pattern. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was playing the same back and forth game with her as he did with me. I don’t know what is going on in his life nor do I care. He’s not right for me and I could never see myself letting that kind of toxicity back into my life or anywhere near my family.

 

I have this love and adoration for my parents, my nephew that I don’t want them to be affected by my poor choices in relationships anymore. I’m choosing to be alone for a while. It’s really what’s best for me right now. It’s the only way to break the pattern I’ve had in my life. I know there are a lot of good things waiting ahead of me. Those doors will open once I heal and I truly feel the hardest part is over. Im present and it’s a good feeling to be present. I’ve left behind what’s in the past and Im just enjoying every day of peace that I have now. I cherish my peaceful life and those in it.

 

I hope you all are well. I haven’t forgotten about any of you. :)

[boltnrun]

You gotta love how they keep using the EXACT SAME tactics over and over. Yeah, it used to work but are they really so dim that they can't see they don't work anymore?? Are they really that obtuse? It would seem so.

 

My ex kept trying the same old tactics on me long after we split. My favorite was when he used guilt and self pity within one minute of each other. I bet he was flabbergasted when it didn't work! I pictured him staring at his phone, asking himself "why isn't she rushing over here???!!!"

 

Actually, that helped me move on even faster. I couldn't be attracted to someone that dense. He's an idiot.

 

Nice to hear you're doing well. Extra nice to hear you blocked him right away. I remember it took you months to block him before (you weren't "ready") and now you did it immediately. That's awesome.

[SweetGirl28]

Hey girl! Happy to hear things are going well. You've come so far since you started posting. Be proud :)

The ex, lol just find him amusing and move on. See , you can laugh at him now! The tables have turned!

It's good to take time alone . You'll be that much more open to finding a healthy relationship when you're ready.

Have fun Saturday! And Happy Birthday to your nephew!