Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone. I’m in need of support....

 

I’ve been having a really rough time. Unexpectedly, I had a major breakdown in the evening. It’s like all the tears I didn’t cry from the time I left him came rushing out. I don’t know what happened. I was so strong. I was doing just fine in moving on.

 

I went on Facebook again after having seen the photos of them out the day before. I noticed I was blocked again. He placed the Facebook block back on after removing it months ago. I instantly knew something was up. I called my friend and explained that he put the block back on and she went on his Facebook to see if there was anything out of the ordinary. He posted a photo of the young girl at a dinner table. They were having dinner and he tagged her in the photo. Again the rush of emotions came flooding. He would never post anything like that unless he was serious about moving on. He knew I’ve always had access to his page using a different profile other than my own..yet he blocked my personal profile. I don’t understand why he blocked me because his timeline is all private but maybe it was just a gesture of him moving on just as someone would delete a contact or text message thread.

 

I found myself on the floor crying. Stifling my cries so no one would hear. How familiar was this? Not a good place to be. I began questioning myself. Had I made the right decision in ignoring him these past few months. How is it that the whole dynamic has reversed? I was strong in the beginning and now I am weak and he is strong. Well that’s how it appears. He has been alone and now his life appears to be taking a turn. He is moving on. I am assuming this dating will turn into a relationship. Either way, this is a done deal with us. I know I’ll never hear from him again. This all sent me spinning and I don’t expect it at all.

 

It wasn’t long before I decided that I don’t want to see anymore developments with them. I asked my friend to no longer update me and I’ve placed a block on my phone so I can’t login. I’d literally have to go through a number of steps to unblock it and I’m hoping that allows me time to rethink my decision anytime I get the urge. I’m just too fragile right now to hurt myself further and I’ve realized that something has to change. I can’t continue like this if I will continue to feel pain. I’d rather not know anything more at this point. I don’t know where things are headed with them, but I’m assuming they will continue to progress. This doesn’t look like a casual date or else he would not have posted it for everyone to see. I did not expect to be so hurt by it. I decided to move on with my life long ago.

 

I think just hearing from him on a regular basis for the last 6 months kept some hope alive. I was always hoping that I’d become stronger and stronger to the point that I’d be ok with however direction things go. I put up boundaries, I started to respect myself and I demanded more from him than his expectations of me just sweeping things under the rug. That eventually lead to him finding someone new. I feel it was the final push for him to move on with his life. And essentially, it is the final push for me as well. I assume I’ll never hear from him again. We will be in strict nc. No Facebook, no texting, nothing. I’m ok with that as I have no choice, but I found myself on the floor and I don’t know why.

 

I think I’m equipped with a lot more tools to get through this, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard or that I’m not hurting. I actually began to question if I was maybe wrong about him. Maybe he isn’t as bad as I portrayed him to be? Maybe I’m the real loser here? He’s happy and I’m not. All these negative thoughts. I kept beating myself up. I of course know he did me wrong and did nothing to redeem himself, but I’m just hurting knowing that this completely over for good. We will now enter a phase where we will both be completely out of each other’s lives. I know it’s for the best and I know it’s what we both need, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. Just to know he has forgotten about me completely and has moved on is painful. I’m in a lot of pain. Where is the anger when I need it?

 

I have to pull myself up out of this and I have to do it fast. I refuse to find myself stuck in a dark hole like I did before Thru previous break ups. He has made a decision to move on with his life with someone new and I accept that. I let him go in peace 6 months ago. This won’t change that. I don’t rwally know or understand why I’m in so much pain. The feelings feel so raw. Almost like I left him yesterday. This whole story has taken a huge turn and I feel all doors are now closed. My counselor is still out of town and I have not heard from him. I’m blindly navigating this. If I don’t feel better about this throughout the day, I’m going to text him to figure out the course I need to take.

 

Is this a whole new grieving process? What am I experiencing? Will it take long to bounce back? Is this just happening because I am in shock by the news that he has truly moved on? So many thoughts, so many questions. I miss him, but I have to continue to move on. Now more than ever. I wish I knew what I could do to get myself out of this pain. Any suggestions or is this something I have to endure and will pass? I’ve done all I could think of at the moment. I’ve blocked myself from peeking on Facebook. I’ve asked friends to not update me on anything. I’m continuing with self care. I’ll get in contact with my counselor later if I am still feeling terrible. What more can I do? Please tell me I’m just feeling like this because of the new developments in his life and that i will not feel like this for long? Any advice.

 

Crazy how all these feelings came rushing back.

[boltnrun]

I think for the past 6 months your hope was kept alive. I believe you were hoping you would get that phone call, the one where he confessed to not treating you well, apologized and asked for the chance to prove he could treat you right.

 

But he's taken a different path. Ultimately, this is what is best for you, although I'm sure it's hard to see now.

 

You're doing the right thing by blocking him. And yes, it will hurt. I'm sorry for that, but I feel you will come through this.

 

Rely on your family. It seems like they are wonderful people.

[SweetGirl28]

I'm sorry you're hurting.

You have to remember that you had been ignoring his contact attempts for a reason.

 

At some point everyone will move forward when a relationship fails.

You will also. Cry, vent, be upset. Then pull yourself together and get out there to enjoy life.

You had a life prior to him.

[UnchainedSoul]

Hello Ksol!

 

First of all HUGE BIG HUGS to you in your time of need! Just so you know, I have been following along your journal on here, (mostly lurking and reading, please don't think I am creepy), for a long time now. I don't know what about your story inspires me so much, but every time you post something, your words just draw me in. I admire your strength, your courage, and your raw emotion that you share with everyone here. Plus you are a great writer! I would hate to see you go because I would miss seeing your posts, and plus writing here is so therapeutic. I know if lostlove was around she would say the same thing, i often wonder about her too.

 

Now to your issue. The fact of the matter is, you have never gotten over him. Six months ago might as well of been six days ago since you left him. You said it yourself, you are now questioning yourself, wondering if you should have contacted him back, wondering if you made a mistake, wondering if he is a good man, and I honestly think this is an attempt to win him back so he stops seeing this other girl. I can't say that I blame you, and I know what it is like to fall apart this way. You were doing the right things, you were moving on, working on self-care, taking care of your body and being with your family. The only thing you did wrong which I told you about before, and others have told you, is you didn't block him from texting you. You never went NC. And when he appeared, and you ignored him, you were punishing him, thinking it would hurt him that you weren't responding, thus making you the stronger person. Now that he has someone, he will no longer contact you, you will no longer ignore him, and you know finally that he is not holding a candle for you anymore.

 

All of your posts have been filled with hope that you would get back together with him the last six months. You were waiting for a grand gesture beyond the texts, and some miracle that he changed. Over the past six months, I know you realized he hasn't changed, he won't make the gesture of romance you always dreamed of, and you will be expected to sweep everything under the rug like nothing happened. That's not what you want. You asserted yourself on that position. Texting him today is the ABSOLUTE worst thing you can do right now. What if he doesn't answer you? What if it is just small talk and he never tells you about the girl? You're not thinking straight, and texting him today would be an act of desperation and we both know you are better than that.

 

I am feel your pain and anguish, and I know how much it hurts. You are crying because there is so much love you have for him and even though he did those terrible things, you feel that you can still salvage the situation. I know you are holding on to that hope, that's what you need to realize and face. The slap in the face now is that he found someone else. There is no quick fix cure for what you are feeling. Everyone is probably going to tell you that you need time, but if I was in your position I would feel angry at that because it's been six months, so time doesn't seem to be healing your wounds.

 

I will admit to you that I sometimes think of my boyfriend that left me in 2004. I spent nearly four years with him and he treated me so badly, yet I still loved him terribly. He abandoned me after I was given the bipolar diagnosis and I was devastated. Ksol, it took me YEARS to get over him. I fought with my feelings desperately, I did all the wrong things, I went from man to man to fill that void, (something you are not doing which I am so proud of you for), but I still drove by his house and even called his job a few times to see how he was. He didn't have social media and he blocked me out of his life. Even with him doing the NC I was still deeply in love with him. The ONLY way I was able to move past that was to let go. You may have said you have let him go, but you really haven't, that's why it hurts so much now.

 

This is a new grieving process, and this may come as a shock to you, but BE GLAD this happened. Instead of breaking down in tears, and torturing yourself whether or not you made the right choice, take this as an opportunity to give yourself peace. You are weak now, because it is a shock to your system that all your hope is dead and your mind and heart are in pain. But Ksol, now he is someone else's problem. All that crap and cheating you endured, will now pass on to someone else. It is no longer your responsibility. No one is perfect, everyone has issues, but you need to realize that it is DONE now. So block your number from him. If he texts now it will be to get something on the side, or he is getting bored with the other girl. You don't need to get in the middle of that. You have to let go. COMPLETELY this time. What you were doing for six months was happily ignoring him, but finding the joy in the fact that he still wanted you whether or not you wanted to admit it.

 

This is a new chapter. I am not going to sugarcoat it, but you are going to feel this. It will ache and hurt. But I know you are strong and you are a survivor so you will make it. You are on the right path, walking the right steps, the only problem is you never really let him go. Now it is time to go back, start again on those steps of healing and recovery, but this time knowing that there is no turning back this time. You have tormented yourself a long time over this, and I think now it's time for you to REALLY heal.

 

I offer you comfort and support. I think it would be a mistake to stop writing here. You are letting your emotions out by keeping this journal and I think it will continue to help you. I will be sad to see you go, but if you need to close ALL the doors, you do what's best for you.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world on your recovery, and if it means anything, I am always checking in to see if you wrote anything, so at least you know your words are not written in vain.

 

Take good care of yourself. Big hugs again.

[Ksol9]

Thank you bolt, sweetgirl, and unchained. Great to hear from you all.

 

Bolt- I read your post before I got out of bed to get ready for work. I carried your thoughts with me all day. You pretty much summed it up to a tee and through all of the confusion and chaos going on in my mind and in my heart, I realized what you said is exactly the reason why I am going through this right now.

 

Sweetgirl, thank you. You are right. I did have a life before him and I am still a firm believer in that everything happens for a reason. This is just how things were meant to be. He is not meant to be in my life. I also agree that I had very legitimate reasons to ignore him and I knew eventually he would move on. I just hoped that he would do what it takes, do internal work just as I did. I hoped he would fight to save our relationship. I didn't want him to come begging, but I wanted it to come from him. I wanted him to show that he was ready for change and that he would do whatever it took to make sure that we both made it. That was wishful thinking. He will never change and he will never be happy until he decides to do work on himself in order to live an authentic life. Until then, he will never have a healthy, happy relationship. That is why I am cutting my losses and moving forward in peace.

 

Unchained-Thank you for your kindness and thank you for continuing to follow my story. I made quite a few commitments today. I sent my counselor a text in the early morning hours knowing he would respond once he got up in the morning. He responded saying he would schedule me for a phone session at 11. I couldn't wait. I desperately needed clarity, a course of action, and reassurance that what I was about to do was the right thing. I found the strength to get through the night. In between my uncontrollable crying and a phone conversation with a close friend, I decided that I needed to make some changes. I evaluated what was the source of my pain. What was triggering my pain. If I don't make changes, I run the risk of spiraling down a very dangerous slope....depression and anxiety. I begged God last night to carry me through whatever it was that he had planned for me. I can't do this alone.

 

My decisions? I decided that social media (especially facebook) was a huge source behind my suffering. Had I not found out about what is going on in his life from facebook, I would not have had these breakdowns. I contacted my friend, I asked her to change her password. I asked her not to tell me about anything that has to do with him. I need to get my head above water. I went into my personal facebook account. I blocked him and then deactivated my account. It will stay deactivated indefinitely. I need to take care of myself and staying away from facebook should help ease alot of my pain. I don't need to see what is going on in his life. I've seen enough and I just want to move on with my life. I even put a block on my phone to prevent me from going onto the site. I would have to go through a number of steps in order to unblock the site. This will give me some time to think things through. I just hope each day things get easier. I have not signed on the entire day. Consistency will be my challenge. This is not going to be a short term effort. I need to stay away from facebook for months or for however long it will take to reach a place of indifference. When I spoke to my counselor, I told him that I was feeling very unstable. I don't feel suicidal or anything like that, but mentally, I'm not ok. I feel like I can't take this pain and I just want to do whatever it takes to make it go away. You are right, contacting him would have been the absolute worst thing to do.

 

My counselor gave me alot of clarity and so did you. I have to agree with all that you said. I did not truly move on in these 6 months. I was indeed waiting for him to reach a point where he would say something along the lines of, "This has to stop...what do we have to do to get through this...what can I do to make things right??" That text never came and I refused to believe that it would never come. We were in communication this entire time. I refused to believe that he was the manipulative, vindictive, dishonest, disloyal man that he has shown himself to be. I was still attached to him. My heart still is. We never really went NC. I don't think he went any longer than 12 days without contacting me in these 6 months. I was still hanging on to hope that time would do it's work and we would find our way back to eachother.

 

I agree that this is a new chapter. My therapist said the exact same words. He has decided to move on with someone new and I have realized this is OVER. This whole thing is completely done with. I have to take care of myself. That is top priority right now. I can't allow all the work I've done these 6 months go to waste. It scares me to think that this part of the process is going to hurt the most. I feel like most of my suffering has been self inflicted. I know this man is not good for me. I know things will never work between us and now that he has found someone new, I am going to close all doors. I've blocked him on facebook, instagram, email. I have not blocked him on my phone. I'm trying to convince myself to do it as we speak. I'll give you the excuse that I don't think I'll hear from him ever again especially now that there is another woman in the picture. On the other hand, I know for my own good, I must block him completely just because of the possibilities that exist. He took her out on 2 dates. I can assume where this is headed, but I truthfully don't know what is going to develop. He could fall off the bed tomorrow, bump his head, and decide to poke at me tomorrow for sheer entertainment. He poked at me for 6 months hoping I would get to the point of desperation, come knocking on his door and fall right in his arms. I've committed myself to healing and REALLY moving on and that means blocking any means of communication. I must be 100% in this time. I can't live like this anymore. He has put me through alot and it's time I get on with my life once and for all.

 

Lastly, my counselor stressed that I need to write/journal. I took it as a sign that I need to stay here at ENA. I need to get out all of my emotions as a part of healing. I'm in a lot of pain. Last week I was happy and all of a sudden this week, things took a drastic turn. I was content and that was because as you said I felt joy in rejecting him because I knew he still wanted me. I feel very guilty for that now. I am the one crying now. This is the third day of no sleep and barely eating. Through hell or high water....I'm getting myself out of this.

 

Thank you for being there. I hope you are well.

[SweetGirl28]

Thank you bolt, sweetgirl, and unchained. Great to hear from you all.

 

Bolt- I read your post before I got out of bed to get ready for work. I carried your thoughts with me all day. You pretty much summed it up to a tee and through all of the confusion and chaos going on in my mind and in my heart, I realized what you said is exactly the reason why I am going through this right now.

 

Sweetgirl, thank you. You are right. I did have a life before him and I am still a firm believer in that everything happens for a reason. This is just how things were meant to be. He is not meant to be in my life. I also agree that I had very legitimate reasons to ignore him and I knew eventually he would move on. I just hoped that he would do what it takes, do internal work just as I did. I hoped he would fight to save our relationship. I didn't want him to come begging, but I wanted it to come from him. I wanted him to show that he was ready for change and that he would do whatever it took to make sure that we both made it. That was wishful thinking. He will never change and he will never be happy until he decides to do work on himself in order to live an authentic life. Until then, he will never have a healthy, happy relationship. That is why I am cutting my losses and moving forward in peace.

 

Unchained-Thank you for your kindness and thank you for continuing to follow my story. I made quite a few commitments today. I sent my counselor a text in the early morning hours knowing he would respond once he got up in the morning. He responded saying he would schedule me for a phone session at 11. I couldn't wait. I desperately needed clarity, a course of action, and reassurance that what I was about to do was the right thing. I found the strength to get through the night. In between my uncontrollable crying and a phone conversation with a close friend, I decided that I needed to make some changes. I evaluated what was the source of my pain. What was triggering my pain. If I don't make changes, I run the risk of spiraling down a very dangerous slope....depression and anxiety. I begged God last night to carry me through whatever it was that he had planned for me. I can't do this alone.

 

My decisions? I decided that social media (especially facebook) was a huge source behind my suffering. Had I not found out about what is going on in his life from facebook, I would not have had these breakdowns. I contacted my friend, I asked her to change her password. I asked her not to tell me about anything that has to do with him. I need to get my head above water. I went into my personal facebook account. I blocked him and then deactivated my account. It will stay deactivated indefinitely. I need to take care of myself and staying away from facebook should help ease alot of my pain. I don't need to see what is going on in his life. I've seen enough and I just want to move on with my life. I even put a block on my phone to prevent me from going onto the site. I would have to go through a number of steps in order to unblock the site. This will give me some time to think things through. I just hope each day things get easier. I have not signed on the entire day. Consistency will be my challenge. This is not going to be a short term effort. I need to stay away from facebook for months or for however long it will take to reach a place of indifference. When I spoke to my counselor, I told him that I was feeling very unstable. I don't feel suicidal or anything like that, but mentally, I'm not ok. I feel like I can't take this pain and I just want to do whatever it takes to make it go away. You are right, contacting him would have been the absolute worst thing to do.

 

My counselor gave me alot of clarity and so did you. I have to agree with all that you said. I did not truly move on in these 6 months. I was indeed waiting for him to reach a point where he would say something along the lines of, "This has to stop...what do we have to do to get through this...what can I do to make things right??" That text never came and I refused to believe that it would never come. We were in communication this entire time. I refused to believe that he was the manipulative, vindictive, dishonest, disloyal man that he has shown himself to be. I was still attached to him. My heart still is. We never really went NC. I don't think he went any longer than 12 days without contacting me in these 6 months. I was still hanging on to hope that time would do it's work and we would find our way back to eachother.

 

I agree that this is a new chapter. My therapist said the exact same words. He has decided to move on with someone new and I have realized this is OVER. This whole thing is completely done with. I have to take care of myself. That is top priority right now. I can't allow all the work I've done these 6 months go to waste. It scares me to think that this part of the process is going to hurt the most. I feel like most of my suffering has been self inflicted. I know this man is not good for me. I know things will never work between us and now that he has found someone new, I am going to close all doors. I've blocked him on facebook, instagram, email. I have not blocked him on my phone. I'm trying to convince myself to do it as we speak. I'll give you the excuse that I don't think I'll hear from him ever again especially now that there is another woman in the picture. On the other hand, I know for my own good, I must block him completely just because of the possibilities that exist. He took her out on 2 dates. I can assume where this is headed, but I truthfully don't know what is going to develop. He could fall off the bed tomorrow, bump his head, and decide to poke at me tomorrow for sheer entertainment. He poked at me for 6 months hoping I would get to the point of desperation, come knocking on his door and fall right in his arms. I've committed myself to healing and REALLY moving on and that means blocking any means of communication. I must be 100% in this time. I can't live like this anymore. He has put me through alot and it's time I get on with my life once and for all.

 

Lastly, my counselor stressed that I need to write/journal. I took it as a sign that I need to stay here at ENA. I need to get out all of my emotions as a part of healing. I'm in a lot of pain. Last week I was happy and all of a sudden this week, things took a drastic turn. I was content and that was because as you said I felt joy in rejecting him because I knew he still wanted me. I feel very guilty for that now. I am the one crying now. This is the third day of no sleep and barely eating. Through hell or high water....I'm getting myself out of this.

 

Thank you for being there. I hope you are well.

 

Many warm (((hugs))) to you

 

If you can't bring yourself to block him on your phone, just delete him.

If you're not ready ready for that, change his name to "do not answer" .

That way if he calls or texts, it reminds you to keep your strength.

[Ksol9]

Many warm (((hugs))) to you

 

If you can't bring yourself to block him on your phone, just delete him.

If you're not ready ready for that, change his name to "do not answer" .

That way if he calls or texts, it reminds you to keep your strength.

 

Thank you.

 

I still haven’t been able to put on the block. I don’t know what’s stopping me. I don’t even think I’ll hear from either. Im trying to put it through my head that it’s more about knowing that I won’t have to wonder if he’ll actually try to contact if the number is blocked. I deleted the contact around the time I left him. His number isn’t saved in my phone. I’ll get there. My thoughts are all over the place. I really need sleep. I can’t believe I’ve only slept 3 hours since Tuesday. Crazy that I’m actually able to stay awake. I think I’m still running on adrenaline from shock. I was able to get out for some lunch and a quick stop at the mall with my mom today. I bought my nephew some cute outfits. I was ok most of the time, but any time my mind flashes on him and what he is doing, my mood changes. I’ve gone this long without seeing him or even hearing his voice...I really have been ok these 6 months. It shouldn’t be any different now. It’s all in my mind. Im optimistic and I acted quickly. I put these things in place by the third day. I really hope I shake this soon.

[Ksol9]

I feel like all I’ve been doing is running. Just running away. I don’t know anything anymore. I know I’m doing what’s right for me, but why am I in so much pain? I’ve disconnected myself from just about everything that was the source of my anxieties. For 6 months I’ve been reinventing myself. Where am I going wrong? I’m in discomfort.

 

How long am I going to feel like this??

 

The word hope. When I really sit and think about what that word has done to me all this time. Hope is the reason I held on to my attachment for him. Anything is possible in this world, but when I think about if there is any hope left in my situation, I can honestly say there is none left. I understand the need to remove myself from anything that has to do with him. I’m forcing myself to disconnect. Facebook, Instagram, emails, anyone who knows him, places and roads he frequents, I’m literally making a complete effort to remove him fully from my life. Will it get easier or will it get more difficult? I think I’m asking all these questions because I’m heading in a direction that is uncharted. I have left him before and granted this time is permanent, it’s been the longest, but I have never gone into complete no contact and neither of us had ever been involved with anyone else. We always somehow, someway have held on. Me through social media and waiting for his occasional texts. Him through the same. We have never broken the connection completely regardless of our distance.

 

Now, we have both broken the attachments. We have physically been apart for 6 months and will now go into complete and utter darkness and silence. I’m going to give this a try. I’m not a week woman. I am strong and I will get through this. I can do this. I have to break my addiction and attachment to him. He is doing it, why can’t I? He has moved on, why can’t I? I think the hardest thing about this is the thoughts that enter my mind about him being with someone else. The emotional connection with someone else. That hurt me wayyy more. The massages and happy endings, the condoms...it was purely physical.

 

I have to laugh. I just thought about something my counselor was talking to me about. He explained that this is a pattern, just different circumstances. He said he is so positive that the block and photos were posted intentionally. He knew I was looking at his page. He also believe the message he sent a few weeks prior about wanting to be my hardest goodbye and favorite hello was intended to be mean and hurtful. The funny thing is, I didn’t see it that way at all. My counselor stresses the manipulation. He stresses this is a pattern. He stresses he doesnt trust this man. All without ever meeting him. I don’t see these things. I see literal meaning. The text about the hardest goodbye, I saw it as he thought it was cute to send and that he was thinking of me in a loving way. The pictures and the way he revealed them (the captions)....I figured he was just broadcasting his date. My counselor reminded me that he has about 60 friends, 5 of which he interacts with. One of the 60 friends is someone he knows is giving access to his page to his ex girlfriend. I truthfully figured it was his way of giving me a final f you. I feel he doesn’t like me at all and probably hates me just like he does his other ex’s. He no longer needs me. My counselor asked me why he has not deleted my friend. Especially if he is a person to constantly clean up his friend’s list. He asked why he hasn’t deleted someone he has no connection to. (Im now thinking about these things.) He maintains this was fueled by manipulation. I don’t see it. Not buying it. I think he’s just moving on. As my counselor said, “ of all the things he has done through manipulation to hurt me or to get a reaction, this one was the final betrayal. This one he was successful in. This one really got rid of you.” I agree. Manipulation or no manipulation, this is what it is. He has chosen this path, is moving on, and I have not heard from him since. I’m not going to fight this. I’ve taken the steps I needed to make to finally let go completely. I may have left him 6 months ago, but I never completely let go until yesterday and I think everyone knows that.

 

My hope is that as each day goes by, I’ll feel better. As I feel better I will see that this is working. That cutting him completely out of my life. The hard part is erasing it from my mind. No more bargaining, no more denial, no more hope. Please tell me I’m at the end of this grieving thing. Going to try to go back to sleep.

[SweetGirl28]

Thank you.

 

I still haven’t been able to put on the block. I don’t know what’s stopping me. I don’t even think I’ll hear from either. Im trying to put it through my head that it’s more about knowing that I won’t have to wonder if he’ll actually try to contact if the number is blocked. I deleted the contact around the time I left him. His number isn’t saved in my phone. I’ll get there. My thoughts are all over the place. I really need sleep. I can’t believe I’ve only slept 3 hours since Tuesday. Crazy that I’m actually able to stay awake. I think I’m still running on adrenaline from shock. I was able to get out for some lunch and a quick stop at the mall with my mom today. I bought my nephew some cute outfits. I was ok most of the time, but any time my mind flashes on him and what he is doing, my mood changes. I’ve gone this long without seeing him or even hearing his voice...I really have been ok these 6 months. It shouldn’t be any different now. It’s all in my mind. Im optimistic and I acted quickly. I put these things in place by the third day. I really hope I shake this soon.

 

I understand, I really do.

My ex wasn't blocked and I got a text after nearly three months. I left him alone during this time, but was very upset over everything. He was doing nothing to contact me. He would answer my texts before I gave the silent treatment back to him, but never initiate. When I think on it, he was feeling me out, seeing if I was upset. The "are you okay?", and the "nice texting with you, text me if you want" have thrown the responsibility onto me to contact. And I'm not. It's been 5 days, he hasn't contacted me again.

 

I feel better that he reached out, and I did reply. Honestly seeing his text made me burst into tears. All the anger I felt suddenly released. No talk of anything big, just light and fun. But bottom line, he isn't

my friend, wasn't good to me at the end, nor these past three months, and so there is no reason for me to contact him

unless he's going to step it up with me. Just like you. You don't want to be friends, you don't want random, sporadic communication. You wanted change that he didn't bring about. Mine either. No way in three months has my ex suddenly become trusting and ready to commit, lol.

 

You sound as if you have a great support system, and you will be okay. It hurts right now, but it would hurt so muchmore if you had limited contact after all this time. The mind is so powerful, it controls us. We have to learn to refocus

our thoughts. Your journaling is healthy, and a great release.

[Ksol9]

I’ve been through this back and forth thing so many times with him and from what I remember, that’s around the time he came back. Each time with was around the 2-3 month mark. It seems to be pretty common amongst breakups. I don’t think that’s enough time for someone to change. Not by a long shot so I think you are right that your ex has not changed. For me it took about 5-6 months to really see the changes in myself from the work I’ve been doing and still I’ve got a long way to go. It’s a process that can’t be rushed.

 

Just like you, I’m going into silence. I have left him alone since I left and I’ve never initiated contact. When we were in LC, I would definitely say I was feeling him out. If I disnt feel safe or that things would change, I went silent. Finally, around the end of September, I decided I would go into complete NC. I did until thanksgiving. Since finding out about this girl, I went NC immediately and I intend to stay that way. I won’t reach out to him and I’m pretty certain I won’t be hearing from him..not anytime soon at least.

 

I was strong and ok this entire time because he was reaching out to me regularly. I just never felt safe enough to move forward with him because he never reached out in any real way. I am content with my decisions up until this point. I regret nothing. He is no good for me. The wisest thing you can do for yourself is to sit tight. Be patient and do nothing unless he makes a clear upfront effort that he wants to reconcile. Until then, it’s not worth being in LC. I agree that it would hurt so much more. Besides I have nothing to say to him. It’s been 6 months of this and with this potential of a new relationship, I don’t see him ever making contact ever again.

 

I still haven’t gone on Facebook. I want to know nothing. It will hurt me tremendously. Anytime I close my eyes. Anytime my mind falls idle, my thoughts are haunting me. How in the world did things take this turn? I never expected to feel this way.

[SweetGirl28]

You're very right. It would need to be definite signs of interest and reconciling, otherwise what is the point to

be just friends? Not now you couldn't. Just like I can't. If ever your feelings change, you might, but by then

you most likely won't have any interest in doing so. It's easy to say forgive and forget, but to put those words

into action is an entirely different scenario.

 

Cry, be upset, vent. You will find the strength and confidence within yourself to pull through.

I do think he will reach out to you again. He seems to have a pattern. You are definitely on his mind.

Try to remember the bad times, the negative ways he made you feel, as a reminder to keep NC.

You I'm sure are a bright, loving person who is worthy of more than what he gives you.

 

Just because it appears as if he's moving on, doesn't mean it will last. Doesn't guarantee he is happy either.

I tried to move on by dating different guys, I didn't feel connected at all. In fact, I felt worse, lol.

Things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a friend who posts all over fb how much she loves her husband,

pics of a smiling family, but they are abusive to one another. Violent fights. Anyone who doesn't know them would think

they have this picture perfect marriage. In reality, all they have is toxicity.

 

You have to go thru this pain right now all over again because of what you saw. Blocking on fb and asking everyone to

not mention him was smart. This is just a minor setback. Think of how far you've come, and be proud of yourself.

You are showing incredible willpower. Its all fresh in your mind, you feel betrayed again. It's normal.

[Clarisse]

KSOL, please take the focus off him and put it squarely back on YOU.

 

This man is NOT a candidate for reform or reconciliation. He wasn't in the past, and he's not now. He will NEVER be. This has nothing to do with the new girl or why he's posting, or anything else. This has everything to do with your denial about his true character and what you believe you deserve. Why is it so important to you that he come back? I think somehow, your self worth is tied up in this guy. If he comes back remorseful, with his tail between his legs, ready to atone and get back together, does it feel like you'd finally be "worth it"? Because his actions have nothing to do with your worth and everything to do with HIS. He has shown you who he is. Believe him!

 

Turn the questions back to yourself and don't focus on him. He's an irrelevant cheater. He is a liar, a manipualtor and a betrayer and does not deserve your respect, let alone your longing. Good men do not behave this way! I truly wish you had the opportunity to discover what real love and devotion feels like. Some day, you will and then you will look back and deeply regret all the precious time you wasted pining over him. You deserve that that real love. I hope you come to realize that. This is not about him. It really isn't.

 

There's a great website called Baggage Reclaim (UK) that is entirely devoted to women who get hooked on unavailable men like you have. Please do some reading there. It will help you.

 

Good luck.

[boltnrun]

Ksol, I believe you do a lot of "reverse psychology" in your thoughts.

 

For example..."He will absolutely sleep with her" (regarding a woman you thought he would visit while traveling) meant "I really, really hope he doesn't sleep with her, maybe if I say it, it won't happen". Or, "He will never contact me again" means "I really, really hope he contacts me again". And "He is starting a relationship with her" means "I hope he doesn't start a relationship with her, I hope it's just a casual date and he posted that pic so I would see it and contact him to get back together".

 

Maybe you want someone to reassure you that it IS just a casual date, he really does love you and he will be back any day now, apologizing, expressing his love and asking for another chance.

 

This is your journal, so I think you should feel free to express your thoughts. It's OK to admit that you still hope you and he get back together, even though logically you know that would be the worst possible thing.

 

Shoot, I wanted my horrible ex back even though he treated me terribly. I was willing to set all that bad treatment aside if he'd just come back to me to relieve my anxiety. It took time and a lot of distance to stop wanting him. Now I don't, but if I'd kept myself in that mindset, if I didn't admit to myself that I wanted someone who was bad for me and tried to figure out WHY it was so vital to me that he love me...I would still be there today, trying to get his attention and waiting and hoping his relationship failed so I could get him back.

[Ksol9]

You both have touched on some points that I think deserve for me to put some extra thought into. When I last spoke with my counselor, I explained that I felt like I was battling some sort of addiction because that is exactly what it feels like. I held on to the outcome of what I wanted so dearly that I lost myself. I fought with everything that I had to stay away. If I wanted to go back so desperately, I think I could have but because I know this man was nothing but toxicity, I didn’t. I think you both noted this is a matter of self confidence and knowing my value and I think that is exactly what this is all about. I have been working very hard to find the reasons behind my reluctance and unwillingness to let go of people who do not have my best interest in mind. After all, if I value myself I would not allow anyone like that near me. When I say I don’t think he’ll contact me or he’s going to sleep with her or he’s starting a new relationship, it’ doesn’t mean I secretly hope for the opposite. I honestly believe that is what is going on. I speak from emotion and maybe because I am on the inside I don’t realize what it actually translates to. I really don’t know if I am using reverse psychology on my thoughts. And if I am, I need to change that. I fight to let go of things I can’t control. I fight to do the right thing because I do want to live an authentic life with people who truly love and care for me.

 

This is not love and I know that. I developed a very unhealthy attachemnet to this man and the minute I entered therapy, my main goal and purpose was to find out WHY so I wouldn’t face the same fate in the future. I don’t want to be with this man. I had plenty of opportunities to take him back. To lower my standards and boundaries. I chose not to even when I wanted to because it meant a temporary fix for my anxiety. I even feel if I was really presented with the opportunity, I’m not sure I’d actually go for it. There were so many opportunities to open further communication with him over the past 6 months. I fought with myself to leave it alone. And still I admit I didn’t let go. Who paid for it? Me. I am still paying for my decisions. I know the key here is to continue working on myself and staying away from what ails me. The shock of this just knocked me on my feet and I felt like I took a huge step back. I remember on many occasions I said to myself, “if he actually meets someone, I don’t think I’d care.” I didn’t realize it would feel like this. I still can’t believe it. That it actually came to this. Feels like I’ve been in a daze for months. I guess what I’m trying to say is my emotions are so involved that I don’t think I think logically at times. Logically he is a piece of s***. “Good men do not behave this way!” That statement is beyond true and I know this. I know this. All I care about is getting through this. It may seem as though I am making it harder on myself and sometimes I wonder if I am.

 

I am out of town for the weekend. My goal is to reset myself, get back into gear, and clear this mindset. Starting Monday my goal is to move forward with courage and strength. I can’t continie to live with this.

 

I need to think deeply about what you both said. Thank you for the site recommendation. I’ll take a look when I get back.

[UnchainedSoul]

Hey Ksol,

 

The ladies who have weighed in here on your journal made excellent points. I hope during your weekend away, you will have done some reflection on what has been happening with you. I think the hope you are holding onto is what led to what you are feeling now, as you know, and as many others have said. I want to reinforce the fact that you are judging your self-worth based on your relationship with this man and you need to start looking deeper within.

 

This is a difficult journey, I would be lying if I said that what you are doing is easy, or that the road ahead is going to be easy. I haven't been as brave as you, because I always went back to destructive patterns, so I applaud you for making these steps. This is going to be challenging, because for the first time you are going to have to rely solely on yourself. You have mentioned that other relationships have been like this one (maybe not to the severe extent), but the pattern with yourself is always the same. I can relate to this also because I have been doing it for many years myself. I think as women, we rely on men for comfort and companionship, and we often let our fear of being alone cloud our judgement when it comes to how they treat us. "Good men don't behave this way" may be a true statement, but good men also make mistakes. I am not excusing his behavior, or saying that he wasn't awful for what he did to you, all I am saying is we need to be careful in how we choose our partners and be sure they are the ones that are good for us. Maybe another woman will be good for him and will put up with all his crap. But that is no longer your problem.

 

I really agree with Clarisse said. This time and energy that you are putting in torturing yourself over what is happening, will be laughable to you at some point in the future. We often don't see it when we are in the thick of it, so I sympathize with what you are going through. You deserve real love, and honestly, this whole situation has been holding you back. I will say again that I think this is a good thing that this happened because you would have gone on and on with the back and forth texts with him, and it might have gone on for years with him baiting you not allowing you to move on in peace. This needed to happen, so use it and arm yourself.

 

You deserve happiness, not running around in circles over a man that could never give you what you want.

 

I hope you had a good weekend and put somethings into perspective. It will be good to hear some of your thoughts when you get back.

[Ksol9]

Went out with friends last night. I had a great time, but there were countless times my mind kept thinking about him and what he was doing. I was so tired. All I kept thinking about was going to bed. It really sucks because there is a huge difference in how I feel...even in how much I think of him. I wish I could go back to before Thanksgiving. I feel like I’ve fallen into some depression. My counselor assures it’s situational, but I fear it resembles a time during previous breakups. I don’t want to be thinking and feeling the way I am at the moment. During my last talk with my counselor, I kept asking him how long I was going to feel this way? He said over and over this was the end. I still don’t think I fully understand why this has effected me so deeply. I hope that it is just a setback and that I’ll feel better as the days go by. As you all have said, right now a lot of my focus is on him and I wish I could say I could control it but I can’t. I don’t want to think of him and I’m guess it will take some time to shift my thoughts again.

 

I feel like this time out I’m taking is going to be very good for me. I feel calm. I don’t have anxiety. I just have pain from knowing this is just over. Over for good. Even taking a break from social media feels good. I’m not watching and reading drama of friends, family and the world. I’m just thinking about myself and what I need to do from here on. It sounds silly but on the top of my list of priorities right now is sleep, which I’m not getting. I sleep a few hours every night and as a result I feel terrible all day.

 

Wish I could skip over all these feelings. Since I left him, I’ve been pretty stable emotionally. I experienced little pain. I can count on one hand the days I shed tears. It’s like I’ve lost control and I feel terrible. I feel like I’m paying for it. For all the times I ignored him or put up a fight. For causing him discomfort. I know that sounds crazy, but I feel guilty when I absolutely shouldn’t. There are times I question myself. Was I wrong? Did I end up being the real loser here? Did I do enough? A lot of negative thinking. I’m taking this one day at a time. I’m relying on my family and friends. I’ve blocked out the things that have been hurting me. I plan to refocus myself on my goals. Christmas is right around the corner. A lot is going on and my hope is that as time goes by and as I progrsss, I’ll let go of this pain and life will go on. It has to. Nothing is constant and things will continue to change.

[Ksol9]

Unchained I just noticed you posted before my recent post. Thank you for your words of encouragement. I’d like to write more, but will do so when I have done lite time. You said something really important so I’ll hold my thought and explain in detail later.

 

Hope you enjoy the weekend as well.

[Clarisse]

It’s okay to hurt. It’s just a sign that your wounds are still there but they are healing. If you keep your focus on the present and on yourself, you will get over him. Have you tried meditation? It really helps.

 

You got this.

[Ksol9]

There are definitely open wounds still. This you are correct about.

 

Meditation is apart of my daily routine. I’ve been practicing mindfulness for about 6 months now and I credit it for being the reason I live with much less anxiety. My anxiety has been almost non existent up until Thanksgiving. It hasn’t gone out the window, but I have to work a little harder to get back on track after these recent turns. Meditation really does help and I recommend it to everyone. They should really teach this stuff in school.

[Ksol9]

Since I’m out of town, I decided to get a haircut. I’ve been trying to grow my hair longer for quite some time. It’s finally to a nice length but desperately needs a trim. I was able to snag an appointment at this nice salon I always pass by downtown. Strange how a nice haircut can make you feel better about yourself. I feel pretty.

 

Unchained, you mentioned that at this point I would have to rely solely on myself. This is one thing I am proud of myself for. I have never really been alone. I realize how detrimental it is for me to work on myself in order to have a shot at a healthy relationship in the future. I’m alone and I’m really embracing it. I’ve come to enjoy it. Rather than jump from guy to guy or relationship to relationship, it is my decision to be alone for a while, heal, and truly get to know myself. The right one will come along in time. What’s more important is that I set myself up for contentment in life. I don’t need a man to make me happy.

 

After my haircut, we went shopping. Dad’s birthday is soon and I also got some Christmas shopping done. I’m keeping busy and distracting myself. I dont know how I would have been feeling if I was at home in my room. For right now, since all of these things just happened, I just need to stay occupied.

[Ksol9]

I had a great weekend. I didn’t want to head back home and apart me felt some fear. It sounds silly, but would I get back and start feeling anxiety and depression again? Those few days after finding out were pretty terrible. Sure enough, I started to feel some discomfort, but I am ok. I have to accept what is happening and continue moving forward.

 

There is no quick way to fix this. this is something I have to go through. I notice I’m questioning myself quite a bit. I’m experiencing a lot of confusion. I spoke to my counselor on the way home. He assured me what I’m experiencing is normal. We were in LC for 6 months. For him to go from him texting me to a new relationship in about 10 days time from our last contact came as a shock. I still wake up feeling like this isn’t really happening. My counselor said everything I’m describing just shows I still have feelings. I think we all could have came to that conclusion. I found myself feeling pretty angry by my confusion. Thinking about the silliest of things. She isn’t anything like me. She’s not attractive. She’s 15 years younger than him. She’s here on a one year work visa. How could he be getting into a serious relationship just like that? He forgot about me just like that? I was thinking about things that are irrelevant. Him, him, him. This isn’t about him anymore. It hasn’t been for 6 months now.

 

I said to myself today that tomorrow is the start of a new week. I’m not going to continue living this way. I made a list of all the things I needed to do for work. I’m going to get back into my exercise routine after a rough week last eeek. My counselor said to incorporate an outdoor activity for at least 20 minutes daily to combat any signs of depression. That’s what I’ll do. I have to get myself out of this. I was doing fine without him until this point. My feelings of confusion, guilt, sadness and regret are just temporary. I’m trying to remind myself that I’m not seeing or thinking clearly. In a few weeks once these emotions subside, I hope to feel better.

 

He will realize someday what he did to me. He will realize how good I was to him. I will never break NC. If I see him around town, I’ll pretend as though I don’t know him. He treated me so terribly and I regret treating him as though we were friends these past few months. Down to the very end, he assumed no responsibility of wrongdoing. That is a flashing indicator that he has not changed and has not done any work. I on the other hand have done work on myself and I continue to try to figure out how to better myself. It is true that this development sent me in direction that I don’t feel very good about myself. The number one question I had was, “could it have been me who was the problem??” Im sure I contributed, but I shouldn’t forget that he did some disgusting things and never made right by them. I will never speak to him again, I’ll never forgive him. Things would have never worked out between us. I’m done wasting time.

 

This is going to be a day by day thing. My priority is to feel better. I don’t know how long this is going to take and I wish someone had an answer for me, but I’ve made it a goal to at least get through this week by focusing on myself. No contact, no Facebook, no hoping. My counselor says I’m at the end. Boy I can’t wait to get this burden out of my mind, heart and life.

[Ksol9]

Feeling a little more grounded this morning. I have a plan in place and I just have to commit myself to sticking to it. The ramifications for not following the plan? Pain. Sheer pain and slow progression. I will cost myself time and peace if i don’t follow the rules.

 

I left him because I believe there was some cheating going on in some capacity. I need to keep that in mind anytime my mind begins to wander. I notice Ive been beating myself up. I question if I was the one who was the problem. I mean it seems like he is the happy one now and I am the one in pain and suffering. You read stories like this all over ena. Dumper leaves, dumpee sticks around trying to rekindle, dumpers rejects and sends dumpee away. Dumpee has no choice and finally moved on. Then when dumpee moves on, dumper feels regret. Where do I fall in this category? Does this even apply to me?

 

I was filled with so much anger for him yesterday that I didn’t have time to beat myself up. I sat with my mom and dad yesterday. They don’t know what happened. I explained to them how I’ve been feeling and before I could finish talking, they gave me their opinion. My parents had him figured out long ago. They tried to tell me. I as stubborn and became defensive. I proceeded on with the relationship because I “liked” him. I ended up paying for it greatly. I still am. My parents do not think he is a good person. They do not think he is a serious person. He is not right for me and they do not believe he will get it right with anyone else. They feel he has found someone new to use, abuse, manipulate and play games with. My dad even noted that it’s clear to see why he would target a young girl like her or someone in her position. They have very strong opinions about what is going on.

 

That is neither here nor there anymore. It’s time for me to move on. Whatever I felt for him was based on a lie. He’s a fraud. I feel he manipulated and betrayed me. He’s not a good person. I want to wake up and not think or feel anything about him. I can’t wait for that day. To be free of that burden will be so refreshing. I still think of him everyday and I know it won’t happen right away, but I just hope I’ve gotten to a place where I deep down inside want nothing to do with this anymore (because that is how I felt yesterday and today). I don’t want to go back and forth, up and down with my emotions. I hate this grief thing. It’s like I keep trying to wash myself clean and I can’t or it’s not working.

 

I ask for continued support. I still need support from my family and you all here at Ena. This might be the end, but it is also the beginning stages of me fully moving on. I still haven’t gone back on Facebook and I’d be lying if I said didn’t want to. It really feels like an addiction I have for this man. An unhealthy one obviously and all I care about is breaking whatever I have with him and becoming a healthy individual. I just need encouragement, reassurance, and support. I need to be consistent in all that I do. It is only then, things will get easier. Right now things are extremely hard. I feel empty inside. Really empty. I have another phone session set up to speak with my counselor on Friday. I just have to make it to Friday. Then I’ll set another goal to go another week. Then another. Going strict NC has to bring some gratification...it has to.

 

Does anyone have experience with this? Do you start to feel better in as little as a week of strict NC? (No Facebook, no texts, no seeing this person anywhere, etc) I know, I know...have patience.

[UnchainedSoul]

Hey Ksol,

 

I am glad you had a really good weekend and got to get your mind off of things for a while. Things are hard I know. He is still lingering in your mind everyday, and it feels like an addiction. I can definitely empathize with that. With any addiction, you have to learn to break the habit. I mean I guess it's kind of like what alcoholics and drug addicts have to go through in a way. The process isn't easy.

 

I think you are on the right path. You have to have a plan and stick to it, like you said. I am here supporting you 1000%. One piece of advice though, don't fall into the trap of you thinking that later on down the line he is going to feel regret over you. That's an old pattern of hope you are holding onto thinking he will realize his mistakes and try to make things right with you because he feels all that regret. It's just another thing your mind is setting up. I know because I have done it too, all too often. More than too often, as a matter of fact.

 

Lean on your family, go out with your girlfriends, get back into your exercise routine, and just move forward. You already know there is no quick fix. And you already know that it all takes patience as well. The thing is to let it sink into your mind and heart.

 

Good luck and keep writing out your feelings here. Like I said, I always check up on you and read what you write, so I am in your corner fighting for you.

[boltnrun]

Of course, step one is to block his number.

 

It looks like you don't want to block him because you're still hoping for that call or text where he admits he treated you poorly, apologizes and asks for another chance. But waiting for that will keep you stuck.

 

Be your own best friend. Instead of hoping this man "changes", how about surrounding yourself with people who have morals and character and who wouldn't dream of hurting you, lying to you or deceiving you? You don't have to settle for a man like him. Be kind to yourself, realize your worth and refuse to take any more poor treatment.

 

And have some fun too. Working on yourself is great, but I find the best therapy is laughing until your stomach hurts or getting silly with my friends or cousins.

[Ksol9]

You both are absolutely right. That is exactly what is behind my reluctance to block the number. Hope has become my worst enemy when it comes to him. I should not rely on that and I don’t want to. As you said, I should rely on friend lbs and family. People with morals and respect because that is exemplary of who I really am. I do NOT ever want someone like that around me or my family ever again and I know he will never change. I feel like I’m 75% to “to he** with him”. I don’t know what’s stopping me. That’s why I compare it to an addiction. I’ve never had an addiction to drugs, gambling, or alcohol, but I imagine this is what it feels like to some degree.

 

There is something I forgot to mention that was discussed with my counselor. I’ve been seriously thinking about it but I have a lot of reservations and I’m very afraid to take the leap. My counselor thinks it’s worth a shot. I have had a very close friendship with a man who I once had an intimate relationship with. I think I mentioned him here before. We are really good friends. I have confided in him while I was in the relationship and after..even up until this day. I trust him just as I would family. I’ve known him for many, many years. Something along the lines of 15 years. We have all the elements of a relationship except the intimacy of one. We have not slept together although he would like to.

 

Right now I am numb. I can’t see myself sleeping with anyone. I don’t even look at him this way. For so long I’ve looked at him like a brother or friend. Our intimate relationship ended many years ago. I would never ever want to ruin that friendship and I certainly don’t want to use him to get over what I’m going through right now. We have actually tried to rekindle in the past and I ended up leaving him. I can’t imagine how he felt. I don’t want to hurt him or anyone for that matter. I don’t know if I’m ready to date anyone. I don’t want to hurt anyone because I haven’t healed yet. My counselor noted that I should be honest with. Be upfront and open about my feelings and just see where things go. I don’t see myself with him long term.

 

I like being alone. I don’t have to worry about anyone else. I guess I’m just scared and I’m being very negative about it. I don’t have to commit to anything and I don’t have to be in a serious relationship if I don’t want to. Just as long as I am open and honest about my feelings which I don’t have a problem doing. If I wasn’t so stubborn, him and I would have a beautiful relationship. He respects me, loves me without a doubt, and really cares for me. He always has. We broke up because I decided I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I eventually moved away for school and work. Subsequently, I ended up in 2 unhealthy relationships. One being this last one. I don’t know. Just something I wanted to throw out there. I wanted to hear your thoughts. It is something I’ll discuss thoroughly with my counselor on Friday. I’ve also brought it up to him lightly. I did tell him I wasn’t sure if it was the best decision and why. I don’t feel pressured but I want to make sure this does not stop me from all the work I’m doing. I guess that is my question. Will it complicate things? Will it stop me from all the work I’m doing? I’m not interested in hiding or masking my pain. Even though I want nothing but for this pain to go away.

 

Is this the little push I need?