Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

Hi figureitout. I think he didn't realize I actually put it all together until what I said that night. From his perspective, I found messages and receipts. He doesn't think I really know those receipts were the smoking gun. Now the condoms make perfect sense. In his mind, I'm thinking he thought I just left him because of those messages. He didn't think he was in that deep of crap. When I said the kids have nothing to do with his happy endings, it sent him thinking. The next morning he sends another text asking if I was really being serious. That's why I never heard from him again.

 

He must think I'm really stupid. I haven't had the opportunity to really tell him I've figured it all out but why do I need to? He's s big boy. He knows what he's been doing all along. I don't think I'm mistaken.

[figureitout23]

Hi figureitout. I think he didn't realize I actually put it all together until what I said that night. From his perspective, I found messages and receipts. He doesn't think I really know those receipts were the smoking gun. Now the condoms make perfect sense. In his mind, I'm thinking he thought I just left him because of those messages. He didn't think he was in that deep of crap. When I said the kids have nothing to do with his happy endings, it sent him thinking. The next morning he sends another text asking if I was really being serious. That's why I never heard from him again.

 

He must think I'm really stupid. I haven't had the opportunity to really tell him I've figured it all out but why do I need to? He's s big boy. He knows what he's been doing all along. I don't think I'm mistaken.

 

I mean it's completely up to you, I personally wouldn't want to remain in limbo indefinitely. It's been what? 2 months now? 3? Seems like he got tired of waiting you out and pulled a Hail Mary, not knowing the play had no way of working cause you got a hold of his playbook.

 

With what he pulled he HAS to to believe he still has a chance, the question is: does he? If he does he's not going to apologize for what he thinks he got away with.

 

I want to point out, I don't think he deserves another chance, I think he's manipulative and a cheater, but I'm not you and it's not my life. My advise will always be to walk away, but if you know that door is still open and youre waiting for him to make things right, he has to know what he's up against. Again, why would he apologize for what he thinks he got away with?

 

Neither one of you is going to move on with the way things are going right now. It may be time for one of you to sh*t or get of the pot.

[Clarisse]

He's a serial cheater. If you consider giving him another chance, it will be time to examine your choices, not his.

[Ksol9]

Hi Clarisse and figureitout,

 

I'm not considering giving him another chance. I haven't considered anything. I'm just not ready to block it out of my life completely. Or maybe I am ready and I just haven't taken the steps to just do it. I'm still surprised to hear from him when I do. I've just been leaving it as an ope in the event some magical chance this thing could be saved. Of course I know that isn't possible. Either way, I'm just doing what I have to do to better myself and if things never get sorted, I'm ok with that and if they do, I'll deal with that as it comes. When it comes to him, I just don't know what direction I want to go. Im making decisions that are best for me as I go.

 

I hope that makes sense.

 

Figureitout, your post got me thinking. I thought about it the entire drive back from my sisters house and I think you're right. As far as your question about if he has a chance? I really don't know. I can't really answer that. I agree that he is a cheater and is manipulative. His actions prove this beyond a shadow of a doubt. I don't know how to really put this into words, so hopefully I convey what I'm trying to say properly. You mentioned that he can't apologize for what he thinks he got away with. My question is, does he really think that after so many breakups and all the trouble we have been having for about a year now, does he really think I am not taking into consideration each and every one of the things he has done to get him to the place he is now? The email..dating back about a year ago and all the other things that were brushed under a rug may have been forgiven, but they were not forgiven. In hindsight, they all play a role and when you put it together with all the things that happened recently, they all make sense now. He is a cheater and a manipulative one. Does he really think I haven't figured this all out and does he is think he got away with it so much so that he doesn't know what he's up against?

 

My attitude about it all is still the same. I'm not lifting a finger to fix this thing. I don't care if I never hear from him again. He knows exactly what has brought us to this point and its just ridiculous to me at this point. It's just a bunch of madness. I'm done running back and forth with him. I'm done living this life with him. I'm done brushing things under the rug and I refuse to move forward with him if we brush things under the rug. I wish I knew a way to get past this, but I don't think there is a way and the way things are going, it's never going to happen. There has been almost zero communication between us, so giving another chance is not on the table.

[figureitout23]

 

Figureitout, your post got me thinking. I thought about it the entire drive back from my sisters house and I think you're right. As far as your question about if he has a chance? I really don't know. I can't really answer that. I agree that he is a cheater and is manipulative. His actions prove this beyond a shadow of a doubt. I don't know how to really put this into words, so hopefully I convey what I'm trying to say properly. You mentioned that he can't apologize for what he thinks he got away with. My question is, does he really think that after so many breakups and all the trouble we have been having for about a year now, does he really think I am not taking into consideration each and every one of the things he has done to get him to the place he is now? The email..dating back about a year ago and all the other things that were brushed under a rug may have been forgiven, but they were not forgiven. In hindsight, they all play a role and when you put it together with all the things that happened recently, they all make sense now. He is a cheater and a manipulative one. Does he really think I haven't figured this all out and does he is think he got away with it so much so that he doesn't know what he's up against?

 

 

Does he think hes getting away with it? I don't know him, but based on what you're saying about him, he probably does. But like you said, you don't owe him an explanation.

 

 

I think you're growing a lot, I hope you reach some clarity of which way to go with your situation soon and stay safe, there no telling what he will do next!

[Ksol9]

Does he think hes getting away with it? I don't know him, but based on what you're saying about him, he probably does. But like you said, you don't owe him an explanation.

 

 

I think you're growing a lot, I hope you reach some clarity of which way to go with your situation soon and stay safe, there no telling what he will do next!

 

You're most likely right that he thought he was going to get away with it. Why would he think things would go any differently than any of the other times. He is learning that now as more time goes by and as his attempts to sweep everything under the rug with a simple "I love you, I miss you, I'm sorry" are unsuccessful. I'm not afraid to talk to him and it's not that I don't want to tell him what's up. I do, but I just don't want to give him the opportunity to lie to me, to upset me. He doesn't deserve that kind of energy from me. He has hurt me enough. As a result, I'm just staying away. There are times I feel like I should have already let him have it. There have been numerous text messages that have prompted it including this last one, but I've decided to take the high road. I did not like the way I reacted when we spoke that night he had the children. My instant reaction shows that I still have slot of anger inside of me for him. And my feelings have nothing with hurting his feelings or anything like that, I am thinking about myself first and foremost. I don't feel good about myself treating sonepme that way. He will never be able to take back the horrible things he has done to me. He has to live with those things even though he's probably unbothered and doesn't care, but I am a good person and I'm walking out of this with a clean and clear conscience.

 

It still baffles me how he can pick up the phone to call me directly with his children in tow. He actually told me he wanted to pick me up and take me to his house. He said I could sleep in the room and he would sleep in the couch. Just so we could all be together before the children left. That is just madness! It's really not baffling. He has been poking around through text because he is avoiding any real confrontation about what happened. Who in their right mind intends to genuinely work things out with the route he is taking? It just doesn't make sense to me. As my therapist said, this last thing that happened sent him thinking. Now he knows this isn't like any of the other times. His manipulation and games might be the same, but I've outgrown him and I'm not falling for that anymore. I just don't want to pretend like nothing happened anymore. That is why he never said a word to me since that last text. His intentions are not good at all.

 

It's a brand new week. Hopefully this week is going to be much less stressful at work than last week. Have a great day everyone. I'm up early. Going to try to fall back a sleep for a bit.

[Ksol9]

Hi there. Pilates got canceled today.

 

I'm a little bummed about it because they no longer offer the morning class. I'll have to see if I can fit in a mid-day class this week. Therapy went well today. There wasn't much to discuss other than my stressful work week last week. He offered me some advice on how I can manage stress a bit better. Much of which I am already working on. He stresses alot on mindfulness. We spoke briefly about the recent text messages and how I am feeling about the whole thing. The whole situation is pretty helpless so it's not at the top of my priority list anymore. He said something today that made a lot of sense. Alot of my worrying was because of my attachment to the outcome of that relationship. I have since let go of any outcome and I am ok with however things end up or even with where things are right now. I have no clue how I was able to do it. It must be what he did. He hurt me so badly this time that I think I reached a limit. I have standards in place in regards to him. I don't want to pretend like nothing happened anymore. Because of that, I think there will be nothing more he will have to say.

 

I caught him driving past my job today. The funny thing is...I don't even care anymore. He didn't see me at first as I already pulled out. He made a u-turn at the stop light and ended up right behind me at the next stop light. I normally wouldn't look at him, but this time I did. I didn't even care if he saw me looking at him. I see such a damaged person. When the light turned green, he moved over onto the lane right next to me. He drove next to me for a few miles. I looked over to glance at him again and he just looked so uneasy. He turned to go home and I kept going. An incident like this one would have sent me into a deep, dark place. Not this time. All I feel is disappointment. Still very disappointed in him. I'm tired of these same old, pathetic patterns.

 

We are strangers now. He's just someone I used to know.

 

I'm going to spend the rest of my evening studying. I need to get moving with this course. All these little goals I've made for myself can't come to life if I don't put in any work. Off I go...

 

I hope you all had a wonderful day today. One down, 4 to go.

[Ksol9]

I felt a little strange last night. It wasn't a good feeling at all. A lot of emotions came back about him and these happy endings. I'm assuming seeing him triggered it all. I'm ok, but just reliving those emotions is painful. It makes me sick to my stomach. At the same time, I think it also serves as an eye opener, a reminder of what I'm really dealing with when it comes to him.

 

I kept thinking about this happy ending thing. I even googled it to read experiences of men who do these things and the women who have husbands who do it. I wanted to read the emotional aspect of it I guess. It's pretty cut and dry. If you're in a committed relationship, it's cheating. I'm not doubting that. Something inside still searches for understanding I guess. It doesn't take over my every day life but yesterday the emotions came back to life to haunt me. I don't believe this was a new thing he began. I believe this was something he was doing long ago, maybe not as frequently as he did after the children left, but I can bet he was doing it all along. It explains why at one point we weren't as intimate with eachother very often, it explains the breakups, the condoms, the lack of connection. It just makes a lot of sense. I also went on to think about the condoms. If he's taking condoms, it's not just handjobs. I've read about men getting blowjobs and even sex. It's not all that unusual. It's an addiction because it's so pleasurable and I'm assuming this kind of addiction is not easily stopped. It was more important than me and our relationship. When I saw him yesterday, I felt so dark. Just a dark, dark feeling. What did we have between us if this man was doing these things all along? It meant absolutely nothing. Nothing.

 

If I am his significant other and he didn't feel I was significant enough to discuss any of these things with, then I am right to walk away with whatever dignity I have left so he can take these risks with prostitutes on his own dime and his own time. That's really all it boils down to. I have some regret after these recent interactions with him for not telling him and confronting him about the damage he has done by this happy ending thing. He needed to hear it and maybe I needed to say it. Ive been feeling like I should have responded to the last text telling him all that I know and feel about the happy endings. The outcome would have been the same as it is now. He would have ran away with his tail between his legs either way. Just as he did the morning he stormed out of the house. Everything he has done proceeding that day has shown me how much he was hiding. An innocent man doesn't do things this way. Manipulation is an attempt to hide lies and deceit.

 

Struggling a little bit this morning. I'll have to take extra care of myself today. Have a nice day everyone.

[SparklyBoots]

You are doing so well - I haven't got any advice or anything really useful to say...just wanted you to know from an outsider how strong I feel you are being. Your mindset right now is so good...he is still playing mindgames and you are not getting sucked in- the kid thing was so low...so kudos to you. This man has a lot of issues from all you have said...this is no reflecton on you, but on him....HIS ISSUES...you deserve so much better, and have so much to give to someone who deserves it back xxxx

[Ksol9]

You are doing so well - I haven't got any advice or anything really useful to say...just wanted you to know from an outsider how strong I feel you are being. Your mindset right now is so good...he is still playing mindgames and you are not getting sucked in- the kid thing was so low...so kudos to you. This man has a lot of issues from all you have said...this is no reflecton on you, but on him....HIS ISSUES...you deserve so much better, and have so much to give to someone who deserves it back xxxx

 

 

Hi sparklyboots, nice to hear from you!

 

I'm doing much better now. I was feeling a little down after seeing him. Laughter really is the best medicine. I went out to dinner with my uncle and his family. We laughed the entire time. Family and laughter...priceless and irreplaceable. I think what you said is absolutely true. When someone decides to do things like what he did to me, when you decide to step outside of the relationship or marriage, it shows there is something wrong with him..not me. These are 100% his issues and have nothing to do with me. My biggest mistake was encouraging him by allowing it, by not valuing myself. That was my greatest downfall in it all. When you allow a man to rob you of your self worth and respect, you do the biggest injustice to yourself. That was my biggest mistake in all of this.

 

I will have a healthy committed relationship one day. Thanks for writing. I hope all is well with you.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol, and everyone! Gosh, I didn't realize that it's been so long since I've been here. I totally dropped off the map, I know. I'm sorry. I've had a lot going on with work, and housesitting, and family visiting. That sounds so lame! But I guess I just redirected my focus for a while. I haven't forgotten about you though, ksol. I've thought of you and have been hoping you're doing well. It looks like I have several pages of reading to catch up on But for now just wanted to say hello and send some hugs

[SparklyBoots]

Hi ksol, and everyone! Gosh, I didn't realize that it's been so long since I've been here. I totally dropped off the map, I know. I'm sorry. I've had a lot going on with work, and housesitting, and family visiting. That sounds so lame! But I guess I just redirected my focus for a while. I haven't forgotten about you though, ksol. I've thought of you and have been hoping you're doing well. It looks like I have several pages of reading to catch up on But for now just wanted to say hello and send some hugs

 

Sorry to derail but it is good to hear from you LostLove....hope you are feeling beter these days too? Sounds like you have been busy

 

I've had issues with self esteem in the past which has made me hang on in there...but have now had courses in self esteem and mood management that have helped me address my relationship anxiety and the way I deal with other folk in my iife....I know now that I love myself I won't put up with crumbs from spurious guys...which i did in the past....when you believe in your own self worth then it is so much harder to make excuses for these shady folk and to let them affect my own self worth, and to listen to my spidey senses. xxx I'd recommend The Four agreements: a practical guide to personal freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz, as well as looking at Baggage Reclaim website...as well as Iyanla Vanzant..truely inspirational lady...

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone! Just wanted to post a little update on how life is going for me these days.

 

It has been a couple of weeks since I last posted and things are going well. I am still going strong. Therapy, pilates, and exercise are going well. I've taken a greater interest in meditation lately. Anytime I feel overwhelmed or stressed, I take some time to really sit with myself, breathe deeply, and meditate. Sounds really silly. I've always been one of those critics when it comes to stuff like this, but it really works! No kidding. I listen to motivational speeches daily as well. I have a routine. Whatever it is that I am doing...it's working and as my counselor says to me often...don't stop what you are doing. Studying is coming along. Not as much as I'd like, but I've always been a bit of a procrastinator when it comes to studying. My goal for this week is to dedicate some hardcore time to studying. I'm almost there!

 

As for him....

I've heard from him quite a bit in the past 2 weeks. There has been some communication (through text) about what he has done, the massage parlors and his behavior on social media. He has expressed his "apologies" for his conduct on social media stating they were just dumb*** comments (that will never be a good enough explanation for me). He said he takes full responsibility for everything. Overall just very vague talk. (Still not good enough for me.) After the little bit of conversation and his apologizing, he thinks everything is ok or that will be enough. He will then proceed to ask me to come over. I will decline and firmly tell him that I am not going to brush things under the rug anymore nor am I going to act like nothing happened. He expresses frustration and then I won't hear from him again. I haven't initiated any contact with him and I'm not forcing him to talk. There is alot of silence and any communication we do have is accompanied by alot of avoidant behavior on his behalf. Obviously because he doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions. And that's quite alright. I've let go of any outcome. I work hard on letting go of my attachment to him and any outcome whatsoever. I still love him, but I know if things don't change, the outcome will always be the same. Furthermore, forgiveness may not even be possible. There were consequences for my decision to go back and rug sweep and I met those consequences face to face soon enough. There are consequences for his actions as well.

 

I have taken on a very strong attitude about my situation with him. If we can (magically) work through this, if he can search deep within to begin the process of changing HIS life, then great....if not, then I will not explore any kind of interaction with him. As it is right now, that's not happening. I am ok being alone. Alone is how I need to be right now. I am working on some pretty cool things in my life right now and I'm not putting that aside for anyone...not even him. Not anymore. I'm ok with however things turn out. Either way, I am putting myself first. Taking care of me first. I'm just living...living the best to my ability. I am enjoying my family. I've put in place standards and boundaries for myself that he, or any man for that matter, has to respect. I think I've truly reached a place in my life that I am doing what is best for me. Every decision, every step...is going to be what I feel is best for me.

 

As for my aunt...

Her pregnancy is going well. She has another appointment with the doctor later this week. We should be welcoming the baby sometime this month or early next month. I'm really excited. We are having a baby shower for her this weekend. I've been doing some baby shopping and even helped my uncle put together the bassinet, changing table, and crib. So exciting! One day, I'll be doing this for own baby.

 

Hope you all are doing well. Chat again soon!

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone. My sister called late last night saying she had a few problems with her sons day care and doesn't feel comfortable sending him back. Mom and I drive up late last night to stay with him today and tomorrow so my sister and brother in law wouldn't miss work. My nephew is doing well and my sister has found a new day care that he will start on Monday. I didn't sleep much last night. I'm very tired and I was a bit upset by some text messages I got from him.

 

I haven't heard from him for about a week. I sort of put it out of my mind and was not expecting to hear from him since the last time we spoke was not very good. He had apologized and asked me to come over. I said I wasn't going to brush things under the rug and then he became frustrated because I wouldn't agree to come over. He said this was ridiculous, that he'll leave me alone that I needed to say so. Then asked to return a gym card. Everything I ignored. I didn't want him to upset me and I didn't appreciate the aggression. So I went about my day. A week goes by and I heard from him while driving last night.

 

He asks why I was ignoring him and asked me what was up. I responded saying I just didn't want his bad energy to upset me and that he knew what was going on. I get an angry response...I don't know sH*t what you're talking about. Then I responded telling him Not to act like he didn't know anything now. That he hasn't had a single serious conversation with me in months. I feel sick even explaining this. I woke up this morning to a text from him st 6 am. He's obviously fed up and I became even more upset. His text read:

 

Which is probably the reason why things between us will never work again. I have faults but my faults are minor okay and I've owned up to my faults. Like I told you before things will never be the same between us and I know that so let's not waste our time on even trying. I'm not throwing shade your way but I am letting it be known that you were not one hundred percent honest with me in the relationship also think about it you were deceitful with me and I'm going to leave it there because I'm not trying to hurt anybody's feelings.

 

I was pretty irate after that text. I responded telling him that happy endings, prostitues, looking for sex on social media, contacting other women, all those things are not minor faults. I said he hasn't owned up to anything and that all he has done was avoid. I went on to say that nothing he has said was genuine and he's been nothing but dishonest. I asked him to list the ways I've deceived him. I am just in shock. He sounds like a crazy person. I'm even questioning myself. I wanted my last text to him to be the truth of the matter. I spoke the truth. He's manipulative and he tried to twist and turn this thing on me since he knows I am not coming back.

 

I knew this blow out was coming. I knew he was growing frustrated and angry. I don't know how I feel about my response, but I just couldn't allow him to feel like he was getting away with blaming me for the last time. It was right after that I blocked his number. I doubt I'd hear from him again anyway. If you all remember, he said something very similar in January. He said things were never going to work blah blah. I foolishly blamed myself and it was me who broke NC. He's just over it and so am I. Now he's saying we shouldn't waste any time and that things will never work. I never said a word about working things out or that I wanted to. He just flipped the whole scenario around on me. Is he crazy? I mean that sounds so bizarre or am I missing something? I feel confused.

 

I'm not confused enough to let this get the best of me. I just done with this whole thing. I've blocked the number and he won't attempt to contact again any other way. I'm a little shaken up about the correspondence and I guess I need to take some time to process it all. Either way, there is a stamp on it. We both have agreed on one thing. That things will never be the same and that we don't need to waste anymore time. He's not waiting for me to come back and I'm not waiting for him to own up to everything.

[Ksol9]

Any parent's worst nightmare. My sister and her husband researched this daycare long before my nephew was born. This place had all the bells and whistles. After the second day of daycare, my brother in law went to pick up my nephew after he finished work and saw cuts or scratches all over my nephews head. They were horrified. Needlesss to say, he won't he returning and they'll be filing a complaint. We took my nephew to get a checkup with the dr to make sure everything else was ok and thankfully it was just those few scrapes either from another child or from being left on a play mat for too long. Just a horrific experience. My sister is relieved to have us here to watch him. My nephew wakes from naps actually smiling. Such a bright and beautiful child. I'm so grateful for him.

 

I'm doing much better. I took a nice long nap. The late night drive and then his texts didn't mix well. I decided that I should no longer care. I questioned myself after saying all those things to him, but then I realized he was absolutely out of line for saying I was deceitful and that his faults were minor. He really was hoping I'd be the same weak minded woman who was desperate to have him back. Im no longer that woman and I think I've given him enough of my time even when he didn't deserve it after this last breakup. I know many of you advised me to block him long ago, but stubborn old me pushed it until I could push no more. What he said to me is no surprise as you all told me before that he will never admit to what he thinks he got away with. He believed he still had a chance so he took his chances in trying to manipulate the situation.

 

Onwards and upwards, I'm going to spend the evening enjoying my nephew and family. I'm going to rest as much as I can and even read a few pages from my real estate course. We will be heading home tomorrow. Baby shower on Sunday.

 

Whoever is out there, have a great evening.

[Ksol9]

I received an email from him. I've copied and pasted.

 

I know you blocked my number and you don't want to talk to me. I can see my messages are not delivered. I never got a happy ending and as far as emails I was never looking for sex with anyone nor have I slept with anyone again this is you making stuff up. I'm not going to admit to something that I did not do okay. I know that it doesn't matter what I say because you have whatever stuck in your mind so it's pointless. I had condoms because I was a single man and I can do that. I'ma tell you one thing right now and I've been cool about it but I find it very f****** disrespectful that you're talking s*** about not having a disease or getting checked because of me transmitting some b******* STDs to you which I know I didn't because I don't sleep around I find it very offensive and that's some hate in your heart and I don't like it. You can say what you want you can believe what you want you can think what you want but I know what's up and I am a man and if I'm wrong I'll say I'm wrong. The s*** that you're accusing me of is absolutely not true.

 

I'm so furious that I want to respond. He's completely flipping this around on me. I want to ask him if he's delusional. He's so self centered that he thinks only of himself. What if he were in my shoes. I would not blame him for going to get checked if I did any of those things. The things I speak about here are not assumptions. They are facts. I don't need anymore details to show he's sleeping around. There was enough facts to show that he may have put me at risk. I'm so upset. I want to tell him all of these things, but I came here instead because I know I am dealing with a first class manipulator and he is very angry. Nothing I say will get through. He probably believes his own lies so much so that he truthfully thinks I'm crazy for thinking the way I do about him. Maybe it's best I just delete the email and block. Something's are better left unsaid. I'm confused by his anger. I'm angry and I feel like going off on him. This whole thing took a huge turn for the worse.

[UnchainedSoul]

Hey Ksol!

 

I am really sad to hear about the things that are happening. He wants to get the last word, obviously. I hope you take the high road. I know you're upset and angry, but if you respond to the email then block, he will just email you again from a different address. He is deceitful, callous, and has no respect for you. "I carry condoms because I am a man." That is the most crap line I think I ever read. I know men that don't carry around condoms. Does that make them any less of a man? Ugh.

 

Hang in there Ksol, giving all the love and support you need. Just breathe, relax, and you will get through it. He doesn't seem like he will ever own up to what he did, so do what you must do to protect yourself and your heart. If you respond, you will just give in to an email war with him, because he is dead set on fighting right now, and I know you don't want that. Do you need that email? Is it linked to anything important? I would get a new one, if I were you.

 

Anyway, good luck with the baby shower tomorrow. Don't worry girl we are all here for you!

[Ksol9]

Hii Unchained. Thank you so much for writing. Really need to support right now. I'm doing alot of self care. I hope you are doing ok. I haven't heard from you in a while and I hope life is going well for you.

 

It seems like one thing after the next has been happening in my life lately. First my sister had the issue with her son and daycare. We took the drive over there for a couple of days and I didn't sleep much while I was there because the baby was not feeling too well. I got back last night and tried to unwind and rest as best as I could. 3AM my uncle and aunt had to go to the hospital because she was experiencing some abnormal bleeding. She was discharged this morning. She was given a steroid to make sure the baby's lungs are fully developed in case she delivers in the next few days. They have to go back tomorrow morning. That was a scare. I went to the office this morning to catch up on some paperwork since I was gone those couple days. All at the same time, I had all the mess that happened with him in the back of mind. As I was driving home, I did some self talk. Ksol, this is life. You just have to roll with the punches and deal with things in a cool, calm, and collective way as they come. This too shall pass. And it did. Everything that is going on with him is meaningless. That anger is meaningless and toxic. My family is what matters.

 

I'm in my room now. Planning to rest and relax the rest of the day. Tomorrow is the baby shower, but it's pending until after the doctor visit tomorrow morning. Everything is going to be ok.

 

As for him, I think you're absolutely right. He is very angry and wanted to get the last word. I'm not saying this is my fault, but alot of what I said was very upsetting. I was straight up and I did not filter anything I said. I told him he was not genuine, dishonest. I said he was promiscuous and that he was messing with prostitutes. I said that now I understand why we were not as intimate with each other because he was looking for sex on the internet and in massage parlors. I could totally see why anyone would become extremely angry after hearing those things.....if they were not the truth. The problem is...alot of it is truth. He was actively looking to cheat and I didn't put any of it lightly. I could sense his anger and frustration brewing over the last couple weeks, so I knew this was coming. If I am wrong, please correct me, but I feel that his response was the response of a very toxic person. If he wasn't toxic and was really interested in making his wrongs right, he would be compassionate and sincere. He would completely understand why I would feel the way I do about him...why I have come up with those conclusions. Instead, he tried to blameshift..plain old digression. I found that very crazy. I'm still questioning his sanity.

 

I don't care about proving a point and it isn't about who's right or wrong. I think the objective of what is really going on has been lost. He's beyond angry and now I don't want to have anymore communication with him whatsoever. No one wins and all love is lost.

 

I've decided not to further communicate with him. He can have the last word. I've blocked his email address. I don't think I'll hear from him again, so that's the end of that. The only thing I question is if I was wrong from blatantly telling him what I thought about him. I was not going to tolerate him pretending like he didn't know what was going on. I mean it was already ridiculous that he had to ask me what he had done. I had enough, so I didn't spare his feelings when I listed all the things he has done over the past year. Funny thing is that he found what I said so offensive and disrespectful, but he didn't stop to think that writing an email to another women while in his hotel was disrespectful? Messaging other women saying things like, "One time only, that's it!" wasn't disrespectful? Going to massage parlors with condoms while in a committed relationship isn't disrespectful? I mean I could go on. Everything he said was just a total low, slimebag move. He has no rebuttal. You're right that he won't own up to anything, so the best thing for me to do is take the high road and give myself alot of self care right now and that is exactly what I intend to do.

 

Thank you again for your support.

[figureitout23]

I received an email from him. I've copied and pasted.

 

I know you blocked my number and you don't want to talk to me. I can see my messages are not delivered. I never got a happy ending and as far as emails I was never looking for sex with anyone nor have I slept with anyone again this is you making stuff up. I'm not going to admit to something that I did not do okay. I know that it doesn't matter what I say because you have whatever stuck in your mind so it's pointless. I had condoms because I was a single man and I can do that. I'ma tell you one thing right now and I've been cool about it but I find it very f****** disrespectful that you're talking s*** about not having a disease or getting checked because of me transmitting some b******* STDs to you which I know I didn't because I don't sleep around I find it very offensive and that's some hate in your heart and I don't like it. You can say what you want you can believe what you want you can think what you want but I know what's up and I am a man and if I'm wrong I'll say I'm wrong. The s*** that you're accusing me of is absolutely not true.

 

I'm so furious that I want to respond. He's completely flipping this around on me. I want to ask him if he's delusional. He's so self centered that he thinks only of himself. What if he were in my shoes. I would not blame him for going to get checked if I did any of those things. The things I speak about here are not assumptions. They are facts. I don't need anymore details to show he's sleeping around. There was enough facts to show that he may have put me at risk. I'm so upset. I want to tell him all of these things, but I came here instead because I know I am dealing with a first class manipulator and he is very angry. Nothing I say will get through. He probably believes his own lies so much so that he truthfully thinks I'm crazy for thinking the way I do about him. Maybe it's best I just delete the email and block. Something's are better left unsaid. I'm confused by his anger. I'm angry and I feel like going off on him. This whole thing took a huge turn for the worse.

 

I am so confused by his response. I will agree with him about the condoms though. You two had separated multiple times. If he had them during those times, that's his prerogative, you cant really fault him for that one, but the other stuff... come on dude, you were caught red handed with the emails.

 

Like Dr. Phil says, you cant change what you don't acknowledge and he seems to not want to acknowledge anything. Even if he didn't do everything you're accusing him of, hes far from innocent and the fact that he refuses to own that...

[Ksol9]

I agree with everything you said figureitout. I was a little confused too but I think he just went into defense mode and his anger took over. He decided to lie and argue his way out. Cowardly. He can absolutely carry around condoms as a single man, but remember I found those condoms in an overnight bag while we were together. He used that bag a couple weeks prior to me finding them to go out of town for work. I'm pretty sure he used them at a massage parlor that time. Then he goes out of town again, I find massage parlor receipts. A week after I left him, another receipt for a massage parlor and condoms on the table. I can guarantee he uses them at the massage parlors and was doing it while we were together. I expect him to never own up to that one. The email and social media messages, he was caught red handed. That alone tells you he was actively looking to mess around and he was doing that for the last year of our relationship. He is not willing to acknowledge. Everything you said in your post is correct, direct to the point, and factual. Therefore, he doesn't want to change. That is fine with me. He can live how he wants, but he isn't going to live that lifestyle with me.

 

The baby shower was great. I got home a little bit ago. I'm settled in bed and rather tired. I wish I had an extra day to fully rest and recover. I got quite a bit of sleep, but I just want to lay in bed and unwind from all the things that have been going on lately. Tomorrow I have therapy and I'd also like to make it to Pilates in the evening. Can't wait to get back into the swing of things. I had a wonderful weekend and I was really happy to spend some time with my nephew.

 

Aside from the negativity I was dealing with him, I'm really enjoying my family. My family comes first and I want the person who I share my life with, to share my family as well. I don't need a man like him anywhere near my family. I'm upset with myself for allowing that. He never appreciated me or my family. Him and I are not in a good place and I don't think things will ever improve. He is still blocked. I want to continue to focus on myself. I do hope that at some point, when it comes to him, I can reach a place of kindness, compassion, and forgiveness....regardless of it we ever speak again. Ultimately I just want to heal from this entire experience. Just taking things one step at a time and not settling for anything less than what I think is right.

 

Hope you all had a great weekend. Wishing you a great week ahead!

[figureitout23]

Healing from forgiveness is beneficial, but it takes time. It took me a year to let go of what my ex did. I don't hate him for what he did to me, I forgave him, I didn't forget, but letting go of that anger and not allowing him to have any power over me has helped me move forward in my journey of becoming a whole person again. I'm still very much on that journey and I'm still healing from the scars that relationship left, but again, he has no power over me and that's a great feeling. It sounds like you're on that road and I wish you luck.

[Dreagurl010]

Reading your story and I can't help but chuckle because you sound a lot like me. Perhaps a little obsessive about every detail. Constantly wavering between he's wrong, Im wrong, he's right, Im right. It is a very confusing state to be in. Meditation and journaling helps!

 

As someone who was recently dumped twice. I learned that if he hurt you the first time, he will continue to do so. Trust me, THEY ALWAYS COME BACK. This is a fact, universal truth. I wouldn't waste my time worrying if hell come back, he WILL. Whats more important is have you changed? Do you still want him? Will you accept him for the man he is NOW. Thats whats important.

 

I made the mistake of pressuring my ex into therapy and jumping through all of these hoops to get back with me. He did all of that and more, but still, he was the same man as before....judgmental, indecisive, immature and mean. There was no serious change in 4 months. Maybe in 4 years, but not now.

 

As I sit here as the dumped AGAIN, I realized that this is who he is and I have to accept that. He may never become the grown man who can make a commitment and stick to it, or stand up for me, or be the man I need him to be. When he comes back again...which he will because I know who Im dealing with now, I will have to give him a simple kiss and decline. I still love him dearly, but I love myself even more.

[Ksol9]

Looking back, you can definitely see how him and I were constantly battling eachother. I feel like I was in a relationship with my enemy. I can't live like that anymore and you are right, it's a very confusing state to be in. A normal person can not function like that for very long. It's bound to effect you in a negative way eventually and I was not living to my fullest potential. There is so much pain and heartache in my journal. I can go back and laugh about it now, but I still remember the pain and it was terrible.

 

He hurt me many times and I'm sure if given the chance to re-enter my life, he will do it again. You said that your ex jumped through all the hoops. Were these boundaries that you set and he persisted or did he actually start working on himself to change? All these stories that you read here on the forum, when 2 people break up, they are bound to fail at reconciliation unless there is real change by both parties. I mean you can't fake this. Enough time has to go by and work on yourself has to be done. Real hardcore work. I have given this relationship too many tries and I don't want to try again. I don't have faith that he will ever change or has even set off to do so. Like figureitout said, you can't change what you don't acknowledge. I don't expect a different outcome.

 

I HAVE changed and I am still in that process. I am transforming my life. I see it and feel it everyday, but in these short 3 months that we have been apart, do I think it has been long enough to say that I have permanently changed or reached my destination? Absolutely not. I still have so much work left to do on myself and so much left to accomplish. I think consistency is key and it takes time...a good amount of time. My life is slowly changing. I am no longer in that dark place I was in for about a year. I am no longer that woman who settled for less than what I deserve. Do I still want him? I don't even know who he is. The person I knew doesn't exist, so I really don't know how to answer that. I still love him, but I don't think we are capable of making it through this one. I don't even think I could handle it after all that has happened. Accepting him for the man he is NOW....not a chance. I can't tolerate the things he was doing and there is nothing...not even words to say that he would never do those things again. With that being said, I'm moving on with my life alone.

 

It's like you said, you get to a point where you have to love yourself. You can't fix that person. You can't shove them into self discovery, therapy, or anything that will "help" them. I would never pressure him into therapy or push him into trying to figure out his flaws..it just would never work. That is probably why our recent conversations have gone the way they have. They have ended in alot of anger. He hasn't acknowledged and I'm not going to settle. I still love him, but honestly, I've taken love out of the factor as much as I can. That doesn't really play a role anymore. When someone brings nothing but disappointment to the table, eventually you lose attention and care for that person. I am focusing my attention and care on myself right now. All he was doing was dating the misery he created. I can't see myself going back to that life.

[Ksol9]

I forgot to add...

 

I asked my counselor if his reaction was normal. I mean statistically. Do men react this way when they are caught cheating? His answer...yes! He says he has seen men and women (because women cheat as well) lie through their teeth...till the very end. Some blame the other person for cheating, some blatantly lie like in my situation. Anger is the common denominator. There was no compassion or understanding. It was just defensiveness and anger. Very, very toxic and my counselor says I am doing the right thing by not engaging in any sort of fighting with him. I never responded and he hasn't tried to contact me again. I'm sure he feels like he "put me in my place", but that that's ok since I know that is far from the truth of the matter. He knows the truth.

 

I have a terrible headache. Scorching hot today in FL and way too much work to do. Ready to just relax and get this day over with.

 

Enjoy the rest of your evening everyone!

[Ksol9]

Fever, body aches, headache...I feel terrible. Came down with something out of nowhere.

 

I wasn't able to do much of anything today and I've been feeling a little negative. Negative meaning not optimistic about everything that I'm doing in my life. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being realistic. Sometimes it's so hard to be positive. (Perfect example of why self care is so important.)

 

I'm a little frustrated with myself about my studying. I've been procrastinating. I need to get with the program. Tomorrow I plan to kick myself in the butt and get moving with some studying so I can take this test soon. I gusss because I'm not feeling well, all kinds of things are going through my mind. Doubt is polluting my mind. I remember listening to a motivational speech the other day. The man said your mind is like a garden. You have to tend to your garden. Get rid of weeds and constantly upkeep it. I'm understanding this more and more. Keeping a positive mindset takes continuous work.

 

Going to do a little bit of reading and meditation before bed. Hope you're all doing well. Have a great night.