Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[UnchainedSoul]

Hey Ksol,

 

Just checking in with you. I have been reading along and I hate to say this: if you had blocked him you would have never have lost any sleep or gotten yourself upset or irate these past few days. But that being said, it is still ultimately your decision of how you want to handle this moving forward. Although you didn't block him, you have made amazing steps in your "recovery" over him and have done some amazing things for yourself, mentally, emotionally, physically and even spiritually.

 

It sounds like you had a fantastic time too! I have been doing really well. Since my birthday everything in my life has been more positive. My relationships, my new job, even my sex life, woo hoo! Haha. Ten years ago, when I experienced my most horrid heartbreak (which led to a suicide attempt), I never thought I would be in this place. But time heals all, as it will for you too. I wish you all the best Ksol. Keep writing and letting us know how you are, and lostlove if you're out there, I am thinking of you too.

 

Happy 4th of July! I hope you have a great holiday tomorrow.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol, unchained, and everyone else I just wanted to drop in and say a quick hello. I hope you all had a good 4th. I've still been reading along, but I've been working a lot more these past couple weeks and just haven't been around quite as much. Unchained, thank you for thinking of me, and I'm really glad to hear that you're doing well! Ksol, I'm impressed that you're remaining strong and not giving in to his attempts. You're so completely different this time around (in the very best of ways). I think I've said something similar to this before, but women who are "too nice" (which, let's face it, includes just about all of us at one time or another) eventually get fed up and just quit. You finally reached that point, and it's his loss. Men are so stupid. Such selfish asssholes, really (not all of them, but certainly a large percentage). I just wanted to applaud you and say keep it up!

 

It's late, so I will say goodnight. This is a few hours past due, but Happy 4th to you all. Chat again soon

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone. Hi lostlove. Thank you for staying in touch. It sounds like you have been staying busy and productive, so that means you are doing ok. I hope things are going well for you.

 

My therapist says I am something like pendulum at the moment. I couldn't agree more. I've gone from extreme anger, to feeling like I could never trust again, to thinking ALL men are like this, to thinking not ALL men have loose screws. I agree with you lostlove, alot of men are selfish and jeopardize their relationships for foolishness. I really don't know what this world would be without women.

I think my emotions are still settling. I am getting adjusted to being alone and I'm starting to really enjoy it. I'll find a happy medium in time and that pendulum will eventually stop swinging back and forth.

 

The past few days I have been feeling sort of numb with spouts of anger here and there. Fourth of July was much like Father's Day in regards to stirring up emotions. I began to think about last year and how we spent the day together as a family. I didn't dwell...I used the day off to get alot of rest. I've been studying alot as well. I guess I've been reflecting alot about it all in the grand scheme of things. That relationship was so toxic. We were both unhealthy for eachother and nothing was changing. Every single breakup was the same exact cycle and that pattern was not going to break unless one of us made a move. It's true what they say, what you read all over this forum, you really have to turn inward and focus on yourself in order to come out on top after a breakup. Looking back, we were never going to succeed after any of those breakups simply because neither one of did work to change and to attack the source of the problem. Finally, I've made it a goal to change my life and I can feel the changes every day. My body is transforming with the exercise. Mentally, I am stronger. I am really making strides to transform every part of my life. Still, I don't understand how he could jeopardize all that we had for such foolishness. It's really unbelievable that the last straw was over happy endings and social media messages. When I look back, I've given us too many chances and he has shown me who he is every single time. Finally I see things for what they are and I am accepting it. I think you're absolutely right lostlove, women who are "too nice" eventually get fed up. I've learned a lot from this experience....so much.

 

I hope you all had a great week. I don't know about you, but I feel like I blinked and the week was over. I don't have any plans this weekend. I plan to study and exercise the entire weekend...me time.

 

Have a great night!

[Ksol9]

Yesterday morning, I went to the tax collectors office to pay some property taxes. They have signs all over saying no cell phone use, so I put my cell on silent and in my back pocket while I went though paperwork with the nice woman in the office. As I was walking out I looked at my phone. I had a couple missed calls from dad and a text message from him. The text said, "ksol? What is happening with us?" (I feel terrible just typing that). I didn't respond. I went about my day. Then in the evening, I received another message. I guess he grew frustrated from not receiving a response from this time and previous times. This message read, "ok I understand. Can you give me my resident card please and I'll give you whatever it is you left here as well." What are we? In grade school? These were my exact thoughts. i never responded.

 

If any of you remember back to our first break up. The way he is reaching out is exactly how I was reaching out to him. He let me suffer in silence and finally I made a statement about picking up his furniture from my parents' home. I left it alone after that and then exactly 30 days later he called me like nothing had happened and we got back together. I've been saying to myself lately...I'm done pretending like nothing bad ever happened. I will not brush things under the rug anymore. I will not live like this anymore. If he wants to continue living like that then I don't want to have a relationship with him period...meaning I will not even open communication between us. We are not friends. He is the closest thing to an enemy at this point. He has not once attempted to call me to have a genuine open conversation about what is going on with us. Hes still blaming me from what I interpreted in his previous messages. He has not once said he knows what he did was wrong (maybe he doesn't think what he did was wrong), but that it hurt me. He should have thought about what would happen to "us" when he was doing his dirt. There is no "us" and there hasn't been for 2 months now.

 

I feel a little sad, but when you do something wrong, you may get away with it a time or two...you eventually have to face the music and there will be consequences. The consequences of his actions is the loss of this relationship. Not that it mattered much to him in the first place, but good things don't always last. I honestly do not care what happens with him. He can go, he can hang around, it doesn't matter. He has no business being in my life and I'm going to continue to do what is right for myself and myself alone. He hurt me so badly and I will never allow him to hurt me like that ever again. I do not trust him at all. I don't trust his intentions. I feel like all these text messages are just apart of his game. I care about him, I still care and that is why I haven't blocked him as I know many of you may have been wondering..I'm just not there yet. I wish there was a way for us to move forward, but there isn't. What he did is so reprehensible that I can't overlook it. ld only find myself in more pain soon enough. I never wanted things to be like this, but he left me no option.

 

I also have really ill feelings about his reluctance to take accountability for what he did. He's very dishonest. I think he doesn't believe that I have him figured out. He thinks I probably don't know for sure and he can convince me to let this slide. I have a feeling he doesn't think I've put it all together. The condoms, the receipts, the messages, the email, the Facebook searches, the options he wanted to leave open with other women, the amount of times he ended our relationship for no apparent reason. I've seriously been questioning this man's sanity for months now. I don't care what he thinks, I know the conclusion I've come to about him is not just my insecurities. He was just playing games with me. He can play games by himself now.

 

Sorry for the rant. I just wanted to share what happened. I don't have mixed emotions about it. I'm human and it made me sad to think he's going through some discomfort because I have been ignoring him, but this is Serious to me and I need to toughen up. I'm done scrambling for solutions to fix our problems. He didn't really think I'd always be around to stomp all over did he? I'm carrying on with my life and I'm standing up for myself and what I think is right. I don't want to have any kind of relationship with anyone who doesn't have good intentions. I dont want to hurt him (if he has any feelings to hurt), but I'm emotionless and I don't have any consideration for his feelings at all. I'm just going to brush that off and carry on with my weekend.

 

Rather than react out of emotion, it's important I practice to be mindful. I'm going to relax and do what I planned to do this weekend. I'm going to study. I'm getting a pedicure at the moment. I'm anxiety free and I am going to stay that way. I don't know what he is looking for or what he is trying to do here, he put me through hell. It seems like he has realized that Im not going to respond and is accepting it. I'd rather be alone than to be with someone who would easily hurt me the way he did.

 

Hope you all are enjoying your weekend.

[Ksol9]

Woke up from a nap and saw another text message from him. "I want us to work this out."

 

Really? Well I already ask myself everyday if I could live with what he did and my answer to this very day is still the same. I can not live this way anymore. I can't live with what he did. I don't think even time will resolve it. I am better and safer where I am...alone. I had to get a full panel of bloodwork done to make sure I didn't have any diseases he transmitted to me because of his promiscuous behavior. I shouldn't forget any of that for one second. He really thinks he doesn't have to take any responsibility for what he has done does he?

[Ksol9]

Good morning everyone. I went to sleep pretty late last night. I was up reading and then talked on the phone with a friend. We were chatting and laughing until I realized it was getting really late. It must have been the nap I had earlier in the day. I'm up early, but I plan to stay in bed and be lazy all day. I love Sundays like this.

 

He sent another text late last night. Just before midnight, I received another text saying, "I'm looking for a relationship better than the one we had before." I take those texts as nonsensical. I feel as though he just wants to see what I have to say and if I agree without holding him accountable, he's free and clear. I was discussing what the most important component in a relationship is with my friend and she kept saying it was trust. Without trust you have nothing. I disagree with this. I thought about it quite a bit before I drifted off to sleep and I'm convinced, based on my experience, that respect is the most important component in a successful relationship. If that person doesn't respect you, they can't love you. If they don't respect you, you can't trust them. See, it all works together. Without respect, you have nothing. With respect, you gain everything that composes a healthy, successful relationship. Respect is something he never had for me and i didn't respect myself enough to set the bar high enough for him to respect me. I am now standing up for myself and I am setting boundaries and standards. I want to remind him of all the things he has done to damage the relationship, but what good will it do? I don't want to upset how far I've come. He doesn't deserve that power over my emotions anymore. I'm not going to pretend like nothing ever happened and brush everything under the rug. I dont want to live like that anymore. He doesn't see anything wrong with going to massage parlors with condoms in his pocket to get happy endings, so what makes him think we can have a better relationship tban what we had before? How exactly is that going to happen? I don't know if at this point I should just remind him of all the things he has done since he wants to act like he has amnesia or if I should just be silent?

 

I am feeling ok. These texts are not bothering me like they used to. It didn't provoke any anxiety. The only question I have is if I should tell him what's up at this point or just ignore. I have this urge to highlight him that I haven't forgotten about the trash life he has been living just to let him know I'm not so dumb after all. Something to discuss in therapy on Monday.

 

Enjoy your day everyone.

[Nina95]

Woke up from a nap and saw another text message from him. "I want us to work this out."

 

Really? Well I already ask myself everyday if I could live with what he did and my answer to this very day is still the same. I can not live this way anymore. I can't live with what he did. I don't think even time will resolve it. I am better and safer where I am...alone. I had to get a full panel of bloodwork done to make sure I didn't have any diseases he transmitted to me because of his promiscuous behavior. I shouldn't forget any of that for one second. He really thinks he doesn't have to take any responsibility for what he has done does he?

Hi Ksol.

 

Please be careful, it looks like he is really trying to reel you back in and I bet that at this point he will end up admitting what he did, apologizing and making promises. I think this is what you are deep down waiting for by keeping the line of communication open (i.e not blocking). Please think about it, how many times has it been now, how toxic has the relationship been throughout. This ex of yours has been shamelessly pretending like things didn't happen, reaching out to you all cool and jolly with no regard to your pain, and sill pretending like you don't know anything either, insulting your intelligence. He has now realized that you know and that you know that he knows you know. He realized he can't keep playing that game. Even if he decided to come clean now Ksol, if he wrote you a heartfelt email or text or whatever, would that be enough? For him to confess? After all the times and all you've been through. That couldn't be enough. I too question this guy's sanity at this point, and I'm not trying to be funny when I say that.

 

I know it's hard, so hard. I'm in a rollercoaster of feelings and contradicting thoughts and decisions myself, all the time, trying to heed my own advice. I can't even write about it yet.

 

Hope you have a nice Sunday and week.

[figureitout23]

Woke up from a nap and saw another text message from him. "I want us to work this out."

 

Really? Well I already ask myself everyday if I could live with what he did and my answer to this very day is still the same. I can not live this way anymore. I can't live with what he did. I don't think even time will resolve it. I am better and safer where I am...alone. I had to get a full panel of bloodwork done to make sure I didn't have any diseases he transmitted to me because of his promiscuous behavior. I shouldn't forget any of that for one second. He really thinks he doesn't have to take any responsibility for what he has done does he?

 

May I ask why you aren't telling him this?

 

I believe silence is a powerful response, but he seems to keep pushing, most likely because he believes he will eventually get to you. You said all throughout your relationship you were silent, you lost your voice. We hear you loud and clear, may I ask why he hasn't? Your one and only response to him after all this was like a kitten batting at a fly and he called your bluff, not changing his tune one bit, he believes fully you will fold. This doesn't seem to be getting resolved so whats the next step? Call me crazy but it seems like you're both waiting the other out. Him for you to give in, you for him to say those magic words. Is that why you haven't told him to f off?

[Ksol9]

Hi figureitout and lovenc. I'm constantly reminded of how beneficial it is for me to write here and to process my thoughts. Mindfulness is so important. You both sort of put me in my place in case I was getting off course.

 

Figureitout, you asked an excellent question. I actually spent some time thinking about this before responding to your post. There is no reason why I shouldn't tell him all the things I really feel. I don't know why it is exactly that I am holding off. I think I don't want him to know how much this has affected me, I don't want him to sense any weakness, and more importantly, I don't want to fall back in the same routine of me explaining everything he has done through text. I can't tell you how many times I've done that in the past. I'll explain what he has done over and over to remind him and then he will go silent and then come back again and I'll fold. I agree that he is waiting for this to happen. Silence is powerful, but I do think that if he continues to push, I need to either block him or I need to lay it all out on the table and walk away.

 

I was just saying this exact thing this morning before I read your posts, I was beginning to feel like this was becoming a game of both of us beating around the bush. Granted I have conducted myself very differently this time, there is nothing I hope to gain here so why am I holding back? It's like I am hoping for some fairy tale miracle ending and as I've said before, I probably will always hold some sort of hope. That is why I do my best to think through each and every decision I make now. I see the exact same pattern and he is hoping for the exact same outcome as all the other times. I know I've been wrong many times when it comes to him, but I don't see him ever admitting, apologizing, and asking for forgiveness....magic words as figureitout stated. I don't even know if that's what I'm looking for. I hate that I have to say what I truly feel through text. The whole situation is ridiculous to me, but if the texts continue and I don't block them, I will tell him exactly what has been on my mind these past couple of months. What he does with that is his problem. My problem is my stability. I will continue to stay on track and work on myself. I am not giving that up for a single soul.

[Ksol9]

Happy Monday!

 

I'm writing a quick post since I have a few minutes before my therapy appt. Yesterday I struggled a bit and I didn't sleep well as a result. Mainly because of his messages and the pressure I was putting on myself for how I was handling them or should I say how I wasn't. I kept thinking I haven't told him off, that I haven't really given him a piece of mind. I was being so hard on myself for not standing up to myself because once again he was pretending he did nothing wrong and was minimizing it in his own way. I'm doing much better today. I've put things into perspective and I hope to gain better clarity after my therapy appt. There is no rationality in anything he has come forward with recently. I don't have time for that and if he continues to press, I plan to tell him what I feel and this is coming from a strong, independent woman. The woman he didn't think I was. What matters most to me is that every decision, every move I make brings me peace. I don't want to do anything that I will lay awake questioning myself or my actions. I feel deep down inside I'm on the right track and I know I'll be ok.

 

Hanging on to reality today. Reminding myself of where I am and where I'm headed. Hope you're all having a great day! Talk again soon.

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone, I just wanted to share how therapy went today. I had a really great session today. I was really worried that I wouldn't be able to articulate my thoughts into words, but my therapist understood immediately and suggested we try an exercise together. The exercise was geared toward helping me with mindfulness and to clear my confusion about my situation. by the end of our visit, I felt comfortable with where things are and where they are headed in regards to my life. I don't know how things will transpire. Hope is such a bittersweet thing, just as long as make healthy decisions and it doesn't affect you in a negative way. Hope can cause you to get stuck, so I should be mindful of that. The hope I have is stored on a shelf somewhere and if it never comes to realization, then that's ok. I still love him and the children so much, but i know it's only right that I go. I need this time alone to transform my life and to re-wire my brain. The work I am doing on myself is not easy and my success is all dependent on me and what I'm willing to work for. He hurt me so badly and I don't see any changes. He wants to work things out but I don't see how that is possible. There's no rationality in that statement. He didn't come back with a plan or a way to change things. In fact, he didn't even give me promises. As a result, he can stay right where he is.

 

What I got from everything today is that I just need to slow down and trust my intuition. Be confident in my decisions. I'm on the right track right now and I know I'll be ok. Letting go was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I still haven't fully let him go, but everyday I put more and more energy into transforming my life and less energy into him and what he has done. Maybe there is a lesson in all of this for him as well.

 

I have Pilates in a little while. I'm going to relax a bit before I get on the road. Hopefully I can do a bit of studying this evening when I get home. I want to get this test out of the way as soon as I can. There I go again...slow and steady ksol. Slow and steady wins the race.

 

Enjoy the rest of your day friends.

[Ksol9]

Lovenc, I just remembered... I wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about you. Not sure if i mentioned this in my post yesterday, but I know you've been going through your own hurdles. I hope that things are going ok and thank you for taking the time to write even in the midst of your own problems. Thank you.

[Ksol9]

Pilates almost kicked my butt. My muscles were already sore from working out over the weekend. I'm in bed now just unwinding and watching tv.

 

Before I went into Pilates..as I was putting my belongings in my locker, I got a text from him. He said, "ok I see what's going on here! Don't worry about it!"

 

Go somewhere. i don't know if that text translated to him being mad, but I don't know where he gets off thinking he could get angry because I'm not giving him answers. Puuhleeze! I'm just dealing with my emotions as they come on a day by day basis. I don't feel like dealing with him. I knew that once he wasn't getting a response that he wanted, he would say forget and leave it alone. He won't acknowledge a single thing he's done or the pain he caused me and that's ok. I'm going to get through this and I will be ok.

[Ksol9]

Good morning everyone. I was just thinking about all the mind and bodywork that I've been doing. Even in therapy yesterday, we spoke quite a bit about meditation. I think that I've gotten so used to living a certain way due to that toxic relationship, that it's almost as if I am relearning or rewiring my brain. That's what's so special about the human brain, we can rewire and retrain it to think differently. It's not easy work though. There is proven science behind it.

 

I've been thinking a lot about how far I've come. I was stuck in depression anxiety for so long. I didn't even know how or where to begin to pull myself out. Someway, somehow I found a way and my life is slowly rolling its way into a new place and I feel like I'm gaining momentum. I strongly believe that mindfulness is key. I am so aware now and it's all for presecwrance of self. Pilates is so helpful. It's not as dedicated to meditation as much as yoga is but it's still a great mind body exercise. My therapist suggested a few YouTube meditation videos to try. I was never into things like that and thought they were a bit looney, but it is so helpful to me because I've found myself in a position to need it. I really need to develop new healthy habits of taking care of myself and positive thinking.

 

I remember unchained, bolt, and others told me that I may need to spend some time alone working on myself. I didn't want to fathom the thought of being without him even at my own expense. What I didn't want to see is how toxic he was to me, how toxic the relationship was. It was so toxic that I was not going to be able to get myself going while with him. I wish I could have but I couldn't. I'm still in the beginning stages of changing my life. It's scary and sometimes I question myself, but I have to keep going and I have to have faith that wherever I end up will be wonderful and just where I'm supposed to be. I'm just someone who is fighting to be happy and to find my place in this life. This has really turned out to be a journey of finding myself. Who would have thought?

 

I also hope that someone somewhere who reads along can find some sort of help or guidance from my journey. I used to be in a very dark hopeless place and I know the pain it is to be there. Gosh I don't ever want to go back there...ever.

 

Just a little reflection this morning. Wishing you all a wonderful day.

[UnchainedSoul]

Hey there Ksol!

 

I just wanted to congratulate you on all the progress that you have been doing. Depression and anxiety sucks, but I have to tell you bipolar life is really hard. I cried today, like a lot due to all the bullshyt that has been going on in my life. I cried for my friends that have come and gone, and I cried for my own sanity. I just cried and let everything out. I haven't been this emotional in a very long time, and it's due to the fact that I get myself involved with all these men.

 

Men always say that it's women who have the issues, but they do too. An absolute shytload of them. You saw for yourself how childish and irresponsible they can be. I guess you have finally seen that being alone truly IS the answer till you are ready for that next great love. Love comes in many different forms, as I have learned, and you should always be aware of when it presents itself.

 

I know you are still not ready to block him, but you really should. I blocked someone today and it caused me a mountain of pain of first, but I did it and I think you can too. His passive-aggressive messages aren't doing you any good, and you will be much more better off when you can see that.

 

Don't hold on to hope, it's what traps us every time.

 

Good luck to you, your journey is truly inspiring!

[Ksol9]

Hi Unchained, sorry that you are having a difficult day. It is ok to cry and I think it's necessary at times. Just let it all go. Everyday can't be good. We can't always feel like we are on top. I think those days that aren't so great are what humbles us. I sometimes have days that aren't the best and I often use those days to feel sorry for myself. Just as long as the good days outweigh the bad..keep going. I know you are a strong woman and you are going to be ok. You have far more strength than I and I admire that about you. I have learned quite a bit from you here. From your advice and from your personal experiences.

 

You're absolutely right that men have issues just as much as women. We aren't always to blame for "drama" within the relationship. I realize that if I don't change and if I don't transform my life, I will continue to attract the exact same people and scenarios. It's going to play out the exact same. As hard as it is to let him go, I have to and everyday I find a way to remind myself of that. I don't know why I haven't blocked him as of yet. Maybe I will in time, maybe I won't even have to. His recent text were pretty passive aggressive and it's almost like he felt that he exhausted his options and that I wasn't go to respond so he may just leave it alone. Either way, it's ok with me. I'm still very numb most days when it comes to him. I'm putting my energy and excitement into other things I'm working toward. I'm just taking things day by day and so far I've been ok. I continue to get stronger and stronger.

 

Hope definitely traps us. Hope is what had me trapped for many months. Hope had me trapped when he would end the relationship for no apparent reason and wouldn't speak to me for months. Even typing that...I can see the madness in it all. Normal or should I say people in healthy realtionships don't do that...over and over.

 

I am going to have a healthy, committed relationship next. When the time is right...

 

Thank you for checking in and I hope that things get better for you. Crying releases all the emotions we have built up inside, so cry and be kind to yourself. Hugs.

[Ksol9]

Good morning friends. I woke up bright and early today...earlier than I was supposed to. Lately, I'm sleeping through the night but for some reason I don't feel fully rested.

 

My body has been really sore since Pilates so I decided to take a day to rest from working out yesterday. Maybe I can get a light workout in today.

 

Talking about emotions yesterday, as I layed in bed trying to fall asleep, I was looking at videos on Facebook. Some were funny, some were sad and inspirational. One of the videos made me cry. I became so emotional and I don't even know why. I mean some of those videos are tear jerkers for sure, but long tears? lol I'm laughing at myself. I guess as I was telling unchained, crying is healthy. Sometimes we just have to let things out. I thought to myself, I haven't cried in a long time. I think the last time I cried was early on when we first broke up a couple months ago.

 

Strange, but I just wanted to write about that. Today is a new day. A chance to start over. A chance to smile again. A chance to remind myself that my life has purpose again.

 

 

Have a great Wednesday everyone. Week is almost over. I can't believe we're in July already. This year is racing by.

[UnchainedSoul]

Hi Ksol,

 

Thank you for your inspirational words! I had such a hard time yesterday, and reading your posts I just had to write something. I think it's amazing we both cried yesterday, because I myself, haven't really had a good cry in a few months. I think it's amazing what can happen when we put things together into a certain perspective - we begin to have revelations about our lives that we never had before. Yesterday was a real eye-opener for me, a real testament that I needed to get my life in order. Much like you are doing now, I am doing the same - learning mindfulness and being aware of the toxicity of some of my relationships.

 

I have to admit you're right about time flying. I really can't believe it's July already. I mean I just turned 37 a whole month ago, and I am on my way to turning 40 in a couple of years with no successful relationships to speak of. Well, you know what, that's not true, my best friend and love of my life has always been by my side even though we aren't technically in a "relationship." That's what I was telling you about when it came to love in all forms - if you can find a companion while you are on your way to recovery, that's okay too. As I have gone through my life and left a trainwreck of relationships behind me, my best friend has always been there - he even visited me in the mental ward on Christmas Day one year, when I was my absolute worst. If that's not love, honestly I don't know what is. I guess the point I am trying to make is, when you are thinking of the relationship you want to have in the future, try not to build it up in your head too much because they are not all ideal, nor perfect.

 

But none of that should be your focus right now. Your focus should be on you and getting healthy, and as I am reading and watching you on your road to recovery, it is really inspirational for me. I wish you nothing but the best, and as we go through this life our words will echo here on this little forum and hopefully give someone who is reading hope that it can get better after letting go of someone. It's okay you didn't block him, I think you're right - he will go away eventually. He's getting angry at you for not responding, and he may go back and forth with a bit more, so be prepared for it.

 

Anyway, I got up early too, and I am not fully rested myself, but I am soldiering on. Today is a new day, and it is a day for all brand new possibilities. It's what we make of it that's what truly matters.

 

Have a good day and rest of your week Ksol, looking forward to hearing more about your journey!

[Ksol9]

I'm laying in bed and I'm having a little trouble falling asleep. Thought I'd write before going to sleep. Unchained, I hope that you are feeling better today. Sometimes after having a good cry you actually feel a little bit of the weight has lifted, so I am hoping you are in better spirits since it has been a couple days since you've last written. Age and the reflection of time passing can sometimes stir up emotions that can send us into having revelations about where we are in life. I have those every now and then. we must always remind ourselves to stay in the present. We can build up anxiety thinking about the future and what we should or could be doing. Mindfulness helps a ton with helping us stay in the present, slowing down, and appreciating where we are and where we are headed. This is something I've been working on for months and I feel like just recently, the habit has been starting to stick. I don't fret about where I should be in life anymore. I truly believe I am exactly where i need to be right now. God really had a lesson for me to learn in all of this. As I said previously, sometimes on days when we arent feeling the brightest, it can humble us. It shows us to slow down and to put things into perspective, so I can completely understand how that feels. I hope I'm making sense. I feel like I'm rambling. Lol.

 

I've been doing ok the past few days since I last wrote. I'm not extremely happy or extremely sad. Just somewhere in the middle. I've been exercising and reading quite a bit yesterday and today. I'm so thankful tomorrow is Friday. I can sit back and relax the next few days. I don't have any major plans. I've been looking into purchasing a new vehicle, so I'm pretty excited about that. Working toward a better standard of life has really been my focus lately. i want to get my real estate license soon, so that I can start making some extra money. I want to be a bit more financially stable so that I can move out on my own. That's my goal for the near future. It will happen. With some hard work and determination.

 

I truly believe that what we focus on, expands. We become what we think. I don't have all the answers and I don't know where my life will end up, but I've just decided to head off in this direction. This direction meaning where I'm going. I've chosen a new career path. I've chosen to move out on my own. I truly believe that once you decide and set off to work toward those goals, you'll attain them. That's it. Simple as that...it won't be long before I start to manifest all the things I've set out to accomplish.

 

I still think about him everyday, but not like I used to during previous breakups. I think I'm more accepting now and having gone through this so many times, I'm no rookie. It's expected. I guess I prefer to think about him because I remind myself what it would be like to look him in the face after I know he lays naked in a massage parlor to get a happy ending. I remind myself what it would feel like to hug or kiss him...even what it would be like for him to be apart of my everyday life. Nope. My mind hast changed and nor has my feelings. So in the event I begin to bargain or forget about the pain he has put m through, I think back to all the things he has done. The social media messages, the email, the massages, the condoms. Just like that..all the thoughts about how I want nothing to do with that life comes back. I don't dwell, I just need it to get by. I am just going to sit back..say less, observe more. It's working better for me than giving him energy he doesn't deserve from me.

 

I still say it, I would have never taken the opportunity to make the moves I am making now in my life if I was with him. For as long as I was with him, I would have been wasting valuable time and energy on a man who had no intentions of ever having a healthy, committed relationship with me. I am going to have that one day...with someone who deserves it. A kind, loving soul who deserves my love, attention, and energy.

 

I hope you're well unchained.

Lostlove, I hope you are doing well my friend. I have not forgotten about you and I hope that you are doing well and that you are out there living and loving life.

 

Goodnight friends! Talk again soon.

[UnchainedSoul]

Good morning lovely Ksol!

 

It's been a few days since you have written, and I am wondering if you are doing okay. You weren't rambling in your last post about Mindfulness, I found it really inspiring. You have learned a lot so far. As for me, I am learning a lot myself. About patience, understanding, and the future. I am trying my best to take care of myself, so I am taking care of all the things I should have been focused on earlier in life. You know, seeing the doctors I should be seeing, getting back to a healthy diet and routine. I am approaching 40, and as I do that, (as a single woman), there is a bit of panic that ensues. But then I sit back and I just breathe in the moment, and it all gets a bit better. This is the path that was laid out for me, so I am going to take it.

 

Anyway, I hope you are well and that therapy is going well too. I think that was one of the greatest gifts you gave to yourself.

 

Lostlove if you're out there I hope you are well too.

 

Hope everyone has a great week ahead!

[Ksol9]

Hi Unchained. Thank you for your concern. I am doing ok. I've been feeling a little off lately. I've come back a few times to write, but I just couldn't find the words. Work has been stressful and I guess I have been trying to manage that as it has been making me feel overwhelmed about all other areas of my life including everything that happened with him. Its crazy how stress has that kind of effect. Something like a domino effect. I feel like I am relearning ways to manage stress and everyday life in a healthy way. For so long my life was filled with toxicity, so I've got a lot of bad habits to break. I've been trying to recenter myself and today offered a bit of relief so I am going to use the next few hours to get some much needed studying in. Therapy and exercise are also going well.

 

There was a situation that happened with him last Friday. He tried to show up at my house around 11pm at night with the children in tow. It was the first time we have spoken on the phone since I left him. It was brief and we didn't get into details about what happened. I did give him a piece of my mind in the best filtered (if that makes sense) way I could providing the children were listening. I actually think it was a weak, in-genuine, and manipulative attempt to brush everything under the rug on his part. He knew I wouldn't cause any ruckus with the children around. I'll be back later to write more in detail and to let you all know how I am feeling about it emotionally.

 

I am ok and I am glad to hear that you are focusing on things that are most important to you at this point in your life. I hear determination and hope in your words and I think that is a really beautiful thing.

 

Lostlove, I too hope things are going well for you. Miss hearing from you. Hello to the rest of you. Hope you all are doing well.

 

Be back soon!

[Clarisse]

Wow, your ex is scary manipulative. What kind of a father uses their children as pawns that way?! The mask has definitely slipped. What a loser.

[Ksol9]

Greetings from my sister's house!

Decided to come visit my precious nephew and sister for the weekend. Tomorrow my brother in law is going to take us out to breakfast. I'm really excited to be here. My nephew is 4 months old already. Can you believe that?! Time flies.

 

Clarisse, I too think that was extremely manipulative. It was upsetting. He hasn't once called me to have a candid, straight up conversation about what happened. If he so much wanted to work things out, wouldn't a normal person call? He calls me when the kids were with him in attempt to get me to meet with them so that we could start from there without ever having a discussion. I'm certain those were his intentions. He initially sent a text saying they were eating at a nearby restaurant. Then said he was on the way over to my house. I didn't respond until he started calling. By the second missed call I decided I would answer and tell him he wasn't going to come over. Indeed he called a third time. I said that I thought he was an a**hole for not once calling me. I made it clear that I thought he was so wrong for doing this when the children were there. He said he was stubborn and I said you're not stubborn, you're stupid. I went on to tell him the children have nothing to do with his happy endings and his lies. I kept telling him none of this was a joke..that he was very selfish. We weren't arguing, but I was firm and I wasn't proud of the things I said to him afterward. My counselor said that I took it easy on him and that he needed to hear those things from me, but if him and I were to ever speak again, I should try control my words as they aren't helpful to either of us. I agree because I didnt feel good for saying those things..not in consideration of his feelings, but because I don't feel right speaking to anyone in that manner. Anger doesn't resolve anything.

 

Later that night, I'm assuming after he got home, he sent a text apologizing. Then said. That he took full responsibility for the things that transpired between us and that he wanted to start fresh and new. I didn't respond. Then...the next morning comes. He sent another text saying...I just thought about what you said last night and you're being serious about the happy ending thing huh? I never responded and I haven't heard from him since.

 

The thing is...I would have been willing to have a conversation with him and I still would, but that last text alone shows he wasn't being genuine about anything he said about taking responsibility. I'm sure he was about to lie had I answered that last text. My counselor said something that has stuck with me since. He got clues from that conversation I had with him and it obviously made him go back and think. He knows a little more now how serious I'm being about every last thing that has gotten us to this point.

 

I wrote the above last night and I think I fell asleep before posting...

 

I've thought this whole thing through many times. I'm not ready to block him completely from my life. If I could fix this thing, I would with my bare hands, but I know this isn't for me to fix. He has made all these choices and this is what he wants. My idea from a committed relationship is different than his. I've decided that at this point, if it doesn't makes sense, my emotions, my well being..is more important. I am in control of how I feel and right now it's most important that I continue to work on myself. He hasn't said anything to me that makes any sense and there is no reason for me to believe he's ready to work things out in any real way..I don't even know if that's possible. I still don't think I could live with the things he did.

 

We went out to breakfast this morning. I'm home now just relaxing and plan on studying for the next few hours. I needed this little break. Work has been crazy stressful lately. This is a nice little getaway and I'm going to enjoy the rest of it as much as I can. Hope you all are enjoying your weekend.

[Ksol9]

I've been putting off making a hand written list of my goals. I made a mental note of them a couple months ago, but I think in order for them to manifest, I need to physically write them down, envision them in my mind, work hard toward them each day, and wake up with that determination each day. I finally made the list a few moments ago. I folded it up and put it in my handbag. I hope I don't sound like a crazy. I've just been working hard on turning around this negative mind of mine. Like I've said before, I'm a firm believer that we become what we think about and the things we think about will eventually come to life.

 

For what seems like over a month now, each day as I get ready for work in the morning, I'll listen to motivational videos and I think that has helped me to see and believe I am going to achieve all the changes I want to make in my life. I don't feel stuck at all. I feel as though I'm working toward something. Whatever it is...it's something positive and the potential of whatever it is excites me. I'm excited for the new life I am building for myself.

 

I was chatting with my uncle a few days ago. The one that is staying with us with his wife. He was telling me that life is so short and all the artificial, material things that we invest in are just a waste. It comes and goes and it really doesn't matter in the end. When you really think about that..it's so very true. He went on to say that what really matters are the people who give you purpose and who add value to your life. That took my breath away. I paused as his words sunk in. We live our lives working so hard to get this or that..even to satisfy others and what others think about us. Those things don't matter in the end. What matters is our family and the few friends who follow us throughout life. That is what truly matters the most. The ones who add value to our lives.

 

What I went through recently taught me so much about allowing people in my life who add value to it. What a lesson I learned. It makes me sad to think him and I were just wasting such precious time. What value did he add to my life? What was he living for? Who does he live for? We have two very different outlooks on life. I have never asked him anything pertaining to that, but just by his actions I can tell his idea of a meaningful life is very different than mine. No ones idea of a purposeful life is wrong and what is different than mine is not wrong. I have just set off to find my purpose in life. I have to. I don't believe I was put on this earth to do nothing. I'm going to keep working toward something better and I will have a healthy committed relationship. It's hard to do, but I need to work harder at visualizing these things in my mind. It's what drives me.

 

I'm having a wonderful time with my family. My nephew is the sweetest little thing. He's always smiling. Just a happy baby. One weekend is not enough, but it will do for now. My uncles wife (i gusss I should refer to her as my aunt now) is doing well. She is 32 weeks so I think the baby will be here in the next few weeks. The doctors say the baby is well and they are expecting everything to go smoothly. I'm so excited for them. As I'm typing I'm feeling very grateful. There are so many things I have to be thankful for. I guess I'll leave it at that.

 

Have a great night everyone.

[figureitout23]

Wow... I'm so shocked he showed up with his kids in tow...its just so extreme. Why would he ever think that was ok after everything that occurred? Again wow... ksol. he knows you know about the sex with other people, right? Like, hes acting like you're mad about him leaving the toilet seat up!