Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

I've been really frustrated with myself today. Almost like I'm knocking on depression's door. Just having a really challenging day today and I'm worried that this is just the beginning of those dark days I knew so well during the breakups.

 

I actually sat in my room and sobbed today. I feel wrong for feeling so sad over someone who treated me so poorly. I can't even give an exact answer as to what I'm upset about. I'm just sad about the whole thing. How unfortunate things turned out. I was reminded by something that was said here. I think Ms Darcy spoke about me being emotionally unavailable. I think that has a lot of truth to it. I do believe somewhere along the way I became this and as a result, I became mistrusting of others and I would choose partners who fit the mold perfectly. I have had 2 terrible relationships. This being the second one and I think if I don't recognize, which I think I am now, my faults in all of this, I will continue to choose unsuitibe partners much like this guy.

 

I wish it was easy to just move on with my life. He is not a good person. This should be a piece of cake, but something feels so unsettling. I wish I didn't have to go through all this in between in order to get to the other side. I feel like I'm sick or like a recovering addict. I don't know how to better explain. When I was younger, I remember it being so easy write someone off who has done me wrong. Its very clear to see that he doesnt value me or the relationship. Look how many times we have split up. Each and every time was due to something he did wrong or his rash decision to end things. Every time he walked away and never said a word for months. That is so damaging. This is a pattern and the pattern has proved that he is a man who doesn't want to be in a committed relationship and furthermore, does not care about me. What more do I need to see to understand this? This time his choices were so damaging that I have no choice but to walk away. I just want to let go. You don't know how badly I want to let go. I want to be free of him and all that has happened. I can't take this anymore. I just want to wake up and not worry about anything that has to do with him.

 

Lately I've been thinking that maybe I have been denying my grief. I've been pretty numb and the anger has been consistent. I don't hate him, but I disgust what he has done. I'm angry with myself for falling in love with someone like him. It took all this pain and suffering for me to see this and to open my eyes about my own issues. I don't know what is the best way to go about this. I dont even know if I am handling it in a healthy manner. I feel lost.

 

I think getting away for the next week will do some good. I feel trapped in my hometown. I fear running into him anywhere I go. I live in such a small town and now that we are out of season, it's almost impossible not to run into him or see him on the road. Traffic is almost non existent. I just don't want to see him. I know he isn't bothered by anything. He's living his life and I am the one who is emotionally in pain over things. I need to pick myself back up. Today was a little rough.

 

This quote is an important one.

 

"If you make the mistake of letting everything in, constantly dwelling on your problems, losing sleep, living worried, frustrated and offended, the problem is that your heart will become contaminated."

 

I'm trying to be mindful. What we think is what we attract. I don't want to live in this misery anymore and I'm fighting to break the pattern. I know I'll be ok. It's just a matter of time. I'm finally doing what's best for me. I'm not going to try to fool anyone, not even myself...this is not easy.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I'm sorry you're having a hard time. That is to be expected though... so don't be hard on yourself for it. There are no rules about how easy it should be, or how long it should take. I'm just really really proud of you for being in a different mindset this time as compared to the previous times. This time, you know you deserve better and that you can't live like that anymore. This time, you aren't placing blame on yourself for how things turned out. I know everyone has different opinions about this, but I still think that you had to go through this final reconcilliation to become more sure within yourself that it wasn't going to work, and that it wasn't your fault. You gave it your very best go, and he messed things up, again. You found concrete evidence. I know you're still questioning your reactions, which is normal (bargaining), but from the outside I can say that the proof was there and he was up to no good. All along the way, I personally tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and look at your contributions to any mess that was created, but these things he did most recently just banished any faith I had in him. He was doing a lot right, but if it's not all the way - if he's still doing things he shouldn't - then the good efforts don't really count. So now you know, and I think that will help you in moving forward. As a high quality woman, you have certain standards for a relationship... and for whatever reason, he was unwilling or unable to meet them. It just reminds me so much of my own situation - I loved him so much, and the good was amazing, but he kept doing hurtful things. I reached a point where I had given enough chances, and couldn't live with the hurtful things he kept doing. As you well know, it's taken me a very long time to even start to see any light at the end of the tunnel. But I think you're in a better place right now than I was when things ended. You have more strength and more resolve for a better life. It will still be sad for you, and you'll still have bad days. But you're SO much further along than you were during the previous times. I believe you are right where you should be. It's totally normal to still be questioning, and to still be sad. Just be patient with yourself.

 

As for me, I think the Zoloft is finally starting to take effect. It's gotten me out of the dark hole I was in. I still have a lot of constant worrying about various things, and still get stressed and anxious at times. But it's not as bad as before, and I think when I get to the max dose I'll be a lot better off. I still think about him every day and feel sad and resentful, but it's not as bad as it used to be. I still haven't looked at their pages, which I think has been helpful. I still look to see when he's online, but I place less importance on it. It's really best that I just try to forget that he exists. Knowing what he's up to will only hurt.

 

I'm glad you have the week off, and I hope you have a great time with your sister and the baby! Getting out of town can do wonders in terms of resetting your mind. Try to allow yourself to enjoy it as much as possible. Sending hugs, and chat more soon!

[Ksol9]

Hey lostlove. I'm really happy to hear that the Zoloft is finally helping. There was a statement in your second to last paragraph that stood out to me. You said that it is really best that you try to forget he exists. I think along those same lines. I don't want to know anything about him, don't want to see him, it hurts. And I hope one day soon, I will not have any emotion when it comes to him. It's really nice to read that things have improved for you in terms of the anxiety. Anxiety is so controlling. It really changes your whole life..with and without it. Your quality of life will improve as it goes away. I wonder if it will ever go away and if you will only experience it when appropriate? I mean there are always things we are going to be nervous and anxious about, but to the extent that we carry that anxiety is just unhealthy. Speaking about anxiety, I haven't really been experiencing much anxiety other than on these bad days. Most days, I've been quite calm. Thank you for being proud of me. I am very proud of you. You have come a long way. I don't know if you see how far you've come, but we see it.

 

Thank you for your comforting words. It has only been a couple weeks since it all happened. So far things have been pretty easy. I was hoping that I wouldn't experience any dark days. Like you said, I found concrete evidence, so there is no questioning. He IS up to no good and has no excuse for it. That is why he was scrambling to run out of the house that morning and that is why he has been silent since my last text. Everyone tried to give him the benefit of the doubt..including myself. There is no doubt in my my mind that given the opportunity, he would have slept with another woman and then came home to pretend like he did nothing. He is what I've always suspected him to be...a man who looks for casual sex. He's actually much worse because he goes to massage parlors and preys on the Internet. What woman deserves to deal with that? I just can't see myself living with that. I truly think you're right that it was necessary for me to go back for this last reconciliation. I think his true colors, who he truly is came out this time as his children were not around. When his children lived with us, he was limited. Now that they are gone, he chose how he wanted to live. He didn't really want this relationship, I see that now. Now that all is said and done, everything makes sense. All of it adds up now. He leads a very lonely life and I think that is exactly how he wants to live.

 

I don't care about this silence between us anymore. It's expected of him. He knows what he did was wrong and he knows that I am fully aware of what type of man he is. I used to really suffer because he left and didn't say a word for months. Now I see how unhealthy that is. Its a silent treatment and he uses it to steer clear of taking any accountability. He uses it to increase his chances of brushing everything under the rug when we used to go back and forth. I think what is bothering me is just accepting what happened. There's nothing I can do about any of it. There isn't anything to fix. I just have to move on with my life and it's imperative I do it quickly. I'm not interested in dwelling on this. (Although I feel I'm doing that right now, lol). On a serous note, life has to go on. I have to forget about him and the life I thought we would have. He is never going to give me that life and he was never going to be the man I thought he was.

 

It's exactly as you said, we chose men who were unwilling or unable to meet our standards. There really comes a point where enough is enough and you just can't take it anymore. Now I understand your anger and resentment because I think I've finally reached that point. I don't believe there is anymore forgiveness in my heart for that man and I think he knows that. Maybe they reach a point where they realize that and walk away as well. A point where things are so badly damaged. I am a good woman and I have to believe there are men out there yhst apreciate that. I believe the same for you. I believe there are good men out there that will value and appreciate you. We just need to learn and understand why we chose men like this in order to not make the same mistake again.

 

I'm really looking forward to rebuilding myself..looking better, feeling better, accomplishing goals, and then finally meeting the right person I'm ready to start my life..have a family and just live in peace. If I envision it, work hard for it, I'll accomplish it. I want it all right now, right at this minute, but I know I have to be patient.

 

Getting out of town will be a much needed break for me. I need to get away from here, from him. He's a waste of my time. I'm going to value myself, my time, my life because he never did.

 

Talk again soon. Take care.

[Ksol9]

Good morning everyone. Happy Monday.

 

I'm still laying in bed. Feels so nice to be on this little vacation. My nephew and sister are doing really well. My nephew has grown so much since I was last here!

 

As for me, I'm doing ok. I feel a little better than I did over the weekend. I guess because I'm moving around and I'm around others. On the drive here, I had a nice long chat with my mom about everything that happened with him. She kept saying she is so disgusted by him and that no woman should have to put up with that. She spoke specifically about the manipulation and explained that it was the only way around his poor behavior since he wasn't going to be honest. She said she was proud of me for not putting up with that because nothing about it is ok. I appreciate the reinforcement from her because I know she wants the best for me. She knows him very well personally and she says I've given him too many chances.

 

Each day that passes I should find peace in knowing Im doing what is best for me. I don't want to live my life like that anymore. This week, my goal is the get as much rest as possible and of course enjoy my family. I brought my book along to study for my course, so I'll do that as well.

 

Wishing you all a productive week! Take care.

[Ksol9]

Hi. Just wanted to post a quick update.

 

I've been hanging in there. I'm having a great time with my family. Lately I've been sleeping well, but for some reason I woke up a little while ago and haven't been able to fall back asleep. All kinds of bad things have been going through my head.

 

I still feel really clear about the breakup. I don't want to live that kind of life with him. I'm laying here thinking how i still can't believe he did those things. I'm thinking back to previous times, like the email, the condoms, the massage parlor. Thinking this man may have been sleeping with prostitutes even. I'm not sure if that is very likely or if I'm just thinking the worst. The whole thing just gives me a really bad feeling and when I think about bargaining with myself, I see it as impossible to ever fix something like that. I keep trying to tell myself what my therapist said...stick to the facts. All the other stuff that I assume from there will drive me crazy and I'm assuming that is exactly why I'm losing sleep right now. I really don't want to live in this cycle anymore and I think ive made the best decision if I weigh pros and cons. He's just an untrustworthy person and has always been.

 

It's funny when I look back..I mean really look back. I was in denial. Everything that happened now, happened before. I kept saying, this is the last time..it's the final time and somehow we would always find a way to get back together. The amount of times we broke up and got back together is just not normal. I have a different perspective now and maybe that will be the reason the ride ends here. I wanted to believe so badly that he was this good person. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt even though there were some very clear red flags. I ignored them all.

 

i think looking at the bigger picture here, it's clear to see that I wanted something that he clearly didn't want. I don't expect him to ever come forward to be completely honest about what was really going on inside of his heart, but his actions are enough to figure it out. I think in order for me to move on, I have to understand things were not what they seemed. Underneath there was something very dark going on with him and I can't live that way. I don't want that type of life. It's scary. I'm doing a really good job of keeping feelings of love or missing him under control. It's buried somewhere or destroyed..either or. I'm just not allowing myself to feel that way for him because I know it's not based on truth. He never cared for or loved me the way I did him. He just wanted to hang on to me and the relationship for whatever selfish reasons. Prostitutes, one night stands, casual encounters can not provide the emotional aspect that I provided I guess. I kept him company when he would have been lonely otherwise I guess.

 

The week is going by really quickly. I don't want to head home. Heading home will mean going back to a place that hurts. Things are very calm right now. Life is calm. I'm easily blocking him out. I have got to get back to work. Work meaning...getting my life back on track. I'm optimistic and it even excited to start over, but there is a part of me that is still holding on without wanting to. I've got to let go of what I'm used to. It's no longer good for me. It's holding me back. I know I'll be ok. One day at a time....

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone. Just stopping by to say hi and to give a little update.

 

I'm still holding up strong. I'm really enjoying my time with my family. I remember someone posted about family and making those who care about me a priority (my apologies for not remembering who exactly posted that.) I think being around family and the constant reminder of what matters most in life is helping me tremendously. I've wasted enough time giving this relationship a chance. It's time for me to start living and putting my heart into things that will bring me true happiness. I'm not looking forward to heading home tomorrow. I will miss my sister and nephew very much. Something about being out of that city and away from him has really helped. I just don't want to go back, but life has to go on and I'm not a little girl. I've got this!

 

Life is so strange. I say this all the time. If I really give myself a real opportunity to grow and change, I think I'm going to end up somewhere wonderful. That is the one thing that has me going everyday. Through all the suffering and heartache, that is the one thing I look forward to.

 

Hope each and everyone one of you are doing well. Until next time..

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol! I'm glad you're continuing to update. And I'm still so very glad that you're in so much of a stronger place this time. I can really see a huge change, and I think that's wonderful. I didn't/don't want you to get back in the same dark place you've been before, because I know it's just miserable.

 

I'm glad you've gotten to spend some time with family, and sorry that it's coming to an end. Maybe you can make it a regular thing and visit your sister pretty often. So true about making those who care about us a priority. I've really come to appreciate my own parents all the more during the last year, because they've been there for me unfailingly during all the hard times. I know your mom has been a good source of emotional support for you, as well. These are people who care about us, who stand by us no matter what. That's 1000 X more loyalty than we received from these crappy guys who we had the misfortune of falling in love with. Our families are the ones who deserve our love and attention.

 

How is your coursework going? Were you able to get some reading done while at your sister's? Are you able to focus?

 

I'm really starting to feel a change due to the Zoloft. I'm just in a much better mood all around - less depressed, less grumpy. I still have worries in the back of my mind (hypochondria), and I still feel stressed sometimes, and I still think about him every day and feel hurt when I think about it. But it's gotten better. I just went up to the next dose, and I need to make an appointment to get refills next week. I think I'll tell him I want to go on up to the max dose. Might as well! There are no negative side effects. I think you asked in one post if the anxiety is something that will ever go away, and I think the answer is unfortunately no. I think the Zoloft will manage and minimize it. But if I got off the Zoloft and got into another hurtful relationship, I'm sure I would end up right back in the same place. And I will always have an overactive mind and a tendency to worry. I don't think you're nearly as bad off as I am with it, but you may always struggle with certain things as well. It's just how we're wired. We just have to learn to manage it the best we can, and continue to place a high focus on self-care.

 

I want to say again how proud I am of you!! I know it's not all peaches and rainbows, and that you're still trying to cope with it all, but the strength, self-confidence, and resolve you've gained is impressive. When is your next therapy appt? Did you skip a week from being out of town?

 

Just keep doing what you're doing... you've got this!!

 

Sorry that it had been a while since I've checked in to say hi. I was off work for a few days, and my parents went out of town for a couple days, so I took some much-needed "me time." They're going away again tomorrow through Monday, and I'm so looking forward to an empty house again! I hope you can transition smoothly back into the daily routine when you get back home. I totally understand not wanting to go back. But if you don't mind the drive, maybe you can go away every weekend for a while just to give yourself some away time and something to look forward to?

 

Just a quick tangent here before calling it a night... I have a high school friend on Facebook messaging me right now trying to get me to "have some fun" with him. He did the same thing several months ago. He has a girlfriend, and I have told him bluntly that I will not participate in cheating. He's still messaging, saying he wouldn't cheat and is just exploring his options and would I be interested. I repeated myself, and then he asked if he were single would I be interested. I mean really!! I'm just telling you this to show that there are many cheating scumbags out there. It astounds me how many guys do this crap. Something is wrong with them, not us. They have no morals, and they're selfish and ego-driven. This, of course, includes our two exes.

 

Sending hugs, and chat more soon

[figureitout23]

Thanks figureitout.

 

I'm still hanging in there. therapy went well yesterday. I've just been focusing on getting through each day. Not thinking about tomorrow or next week. Yesterday I felt a bit of sadness to the point I began to cry as I was talking to a friend of mine about everything. I was saying how desperate and frustrated I feel to just get this out of my system. I literally began to cry and shed about 2 tears and then stopped. I am no longer blinded by him and I think I'm realizing that I am only going to hold myself back from happiness if I continue to involve myself with anything that has to do with him. That relationship is so badly damaged. It will never get better. We don't stand a chance. I used to cling and claw just to hold on to him. Now I'm clinging to the chance at a new life I may have soon. Just need to get through this hiccup.

 

I just hope I'm able to remain strong.

 

Hope you're well. Have a nice day today.

 

Yep, its just not worth it.

 

Glad you're gaining strength and no longer waiting for his call (and trust me its coming!) isn't it a freeing feeling?

 

I'm going through a rough patch, but because I know how sweet the 'other side' is, that peace of mind, it makes me determined to make it through. Being hurt is never worth it.

[boltnrun]

Yep, its just not worth it.

 

Glad you're gaining strength and no longer waiting for his call (and trust me its coming!) isn't it a freeing feeling?

 

I'm going through a rough patch, but because I know how sweet the 'other side' is, that peace of mind, it makes me determined to make it through. Being hurt is never worth it.

 

His M.O. seems to be more along the lines of texting "Hey" or something weak like that. I don't recall that he actually called during any of the breakups, but I could be wrong.

 

And yes, it's a wonderful feeling to know that this ONE person on planet Earth no longer has the power to determine my mood for the day. I should be the one who does that!

 

One thing I do still need to work on is forgiving myself for wasting four entire years on that garbage pile disguised as a human (my ex).

 

ksol, I hope you're having a peaceful, relaxing weekend. You too, lostlove.

[lostlove76]

Thank you bolt, you too! And you as well, figureitout. I'm sorry you're going through a hard time.

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone. Hope you all are enjoying your holiday weekend. It is blazing hot here in Florida. I almost can't handle this heat.

 

We got back home on Friday evening. I decided since it was a holiday weekend I would go to the office early Saturday morning and then head of town until Sunday with friends. Yesterday was so much fun. We went shopping and then had dinner. At night we went to a nightclub. It was the first time in a long time that I was able to let loose and have a night of dancing with friends. It sucks that everything that happened is still in the back of mind. I know it's still very early on and I know in time it won't matter much to me anymore. I'm not allowing it to stop me from living life and trying to enjoy it, but I know it puts a damper on me still. I'll know I'll eventually get through this.

 

I'm back at home now. I am feeling very low on energy. I am assuming it's the heat and the dancing from last night. I plan to rest and relax the rest of today and tomorrow before getting back to work. I am in peace and that's all that matters.

 

Figureitout, thank you for writing. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a little rough patch. You said that you find peace in knowing the other side will bring better days. That gives me motivation too. I hope that you are feeling better today.

 

Each and everyday all I work and focus on is strength. Strength to get through the day and to not allow myself to let any of this overwhelm me. I don't sit around waiting for him to contact me. I don't watch any of his activity. I just don't care anymore to be honest. In my mind, he has already done the worst and I can bet he is doing all the same exact things he was doing before. This is a pattern. It's a freeing feeling as you said. Of course I wonder if I'll ever hear from him again, but I don't put much thought into it. To me, I could care less either way. He can not offer me anything other what he has given me for the past 2 years...nothing but BS, heartache, and pain. I won't allow it anymore.

 

Bolt, you are correct. I do think if I was to hear from him, he would say something weak like a "hey, how are you?". That would be very boldfaced of him, but I think I've learned to expect anything from him. I don't really know that person..I know the pattern. In the past, when he did make contact after about 2 months of silence, he would eventually bring up something about the break up. It would be a brief conversation and that would be it. It wouldn't be long before we were business as usual. I don't see that happening this time. I remember when I left him because I found the email he wrote to that woman. He contacted me (by text) saying he felt terrible and that he kicks himself in the ass everyday for hurting me. He apologized and asked for us to start brand new. I eagerly accepted. Bolt, you said it to me many times and you were very right, there were no consequences and he knew how easy it was to make his way back. I don't think he will try to apologize or do anything he has done in the past. It has happened too many times and I truly believe he just doesn't want the relationship at all. I am not looking for an apology. I could care less to have any kind of communication with him. I wasted enough time trying. It's just worthless to me now, so I don't spend alot of time thinking about what is going to happen with us. There is no more us. The only thing that I can think of that might prompt him to contact me is about a few things I left behind. I did leave some belongings at his house. Some shoes, a handbag, clothes. I don't care about any of it. It's material and it can be replaced. I don't want any of it back. If he does contact me about it, I've already thought this through..I'm just going to ignore the message. I know he'll never speak directly about the things he has done to betray me. He'll never be man enough for that.

 

When I think back to the breakups, the number of times it happened, the reasons behind them, the length of silence, and how he resorts to texting. It's all major red flags. It's just not normal. A normal, healthy man who is fully interested in a future with a woman doesn't do these things. It was him who ended the relationship 2 times because he couldn't handle any problems we were having. The other 2 breakups (including this one) was a result of his transgressions. I'm not looking to blame, but he IS the one running this program...and running it poorly at that. A normal man would not allow his girlfriend to leave and not speak or even care what was going for months like he did. This happened so many times and we just keep spinning in circles. It's a major red flag that he will text, try to brush things under the rug, and then show no interest whatsoever in trying to make sure things are resolved and a plan is in place to make sure we don't go down the same road. This has happened to many times for me to believe he was ever genuine about having me in his life. He just wants me to accept what he wants to do. He wants me to sit at home and allow him to do these things outside of our relationship. He can continue his search for a woman who will put up with that crap. We are not obligated to eachother for anything and I thank God for that. I can walk away, heal, and have a chance for a decent future with someone new.

 

One thing I do still need to work on is forgiving myself for wasting four entire years on that garbage pile disguised as a human (my ex).

 

I feel the same way. This is the only guilt I carry. He had no problem allowing me to blame myself for our relationship troubles and for so long, I beat myself up. Now, the only thing I regret is how good I was to him, how nice I was, how easy I made it for him. I too have to find a way to forgive myself for the time I wasted with him. I wonder if after all that I've been through, if I'll ever allow love to lead me blind again? I hope to God I've learned my lesson.

[Ksol9]

Lostlove, great to hear from you. You spoke about loyalty that we have received from our loved ones. It's something I've really come to realize I never received from him and I will never ever get it from him in future. It really is so important that we invest ourselves in those who have been there for us through our darkest days. Those are the ones who are deserving of our love and attention.

 

As for my coursework, I did some reading while I was at my sister's house. It wasn't as much as I would have liked, but I really needed the break. My goal is to get crackin this week when I get back to work. That is my goal. I go back to therapy this week as well. So moving forward from this point on, my plan is to invest myself in work, coursework, and exercise. I have a plan and it doesn't include worrying about him anymore. He doesn't deserve a place in my life anymore.

 

I'm really glad the Zoloft is helping you. I also think it is true what you said about the worrying and anxiety. This is just how we are wired. We will always have it to some extent, but managing it is key. We must invest more on ourselves than the average person who doesn't suffer from anxiety and overthinking. Exercise, meditation, self care...all those things can help significantly.

 

Funny you mentioned the guy who was messaging you on facebook. I remember my therapist saying facebook is a major issue in relationships. He said he cant even count how many people sit in his office telling him about their relationship problems that include facebook. As silly as it sounds, it has been the cause of a lot of breakups and divorces. My story is a perfect example of it. It is a means to cheat. I find myself questioning alot...alot...if all men are like this. It's really sad because I wonder if I will ever have a relationship free of issues like this. When I think back to his facebook usage. It was alot. It's more than average. He is literally on in his idle time. He is using his idle time to message other women. I don't know if this is common or not, but it worries me to think that this is such a significant problem and that I could experience issues like this in my future relationship.

 

I hope you are enjoying your weekend. I noticed something in our posts. We both seem to have gotten to a point where we don't really care anymore and maybe we are reaching a place of indifference. Moreso you have more than I have. Mostly because I am still carrying alot of anger. I really hope soon I will get to place of not caring about anything that happened anymore. The anger isn't healthy and I remember you carrying the anger for a very long time. One day at a time I guess. We know where we are headed and we don't want to be stuck anymore, so I guess that is all that matters.

[boltnrun]

ksol, I am almost positive you will hear from him again in a few weeks (if not sooner).

 

He'll use the same tactics he's used before. Why? Because they've always worked.

 

He knows (doesn't think, KNOWS, for a fact) that you want so badly to be with him that you'll eagerly leap on the chance to communicate with him. Once he gets you to respond he'll invite you to come over, figuring you'll agree, spend the night, spend the next night, and back you'll be. Until the next breakup. Then rinse, repeat.

 

That's why these men keep doing what they do. What worked the first, second, third time will surely work the fourth, fifth, sixth time.

 

I managed to stay away from my ex for 2 1/2 months (which was a huge accomplishment back then), but then he started acting jealous, started contacting me with passive-aggressive texts about me with other guys and about me not wanting to be around him anymore, etc., made it a point to try to hang around me when we were in the same place...and I went back, sure that he'd "realized" he really did love me. Of course it was the same old same old again. The only "evidence" he'd "changed" was his insincere words, but I wanted so, so badly to believe.

 

He didn't deceive me. I deceived me.

 

Once all hell broke loose (he was secretly sleeping with his nephew's fiancee and they eventually decided they wanted to be together, resulting in two breakups and a huge family rift), believe it or not I STILL wanted to be the one he turned to whenever he was fighting with the girlfriend! I finally realized how unhealthy I behaved around him. I took the huge step of moving several hundred miles away so I'd HAVE to stop the late night and early morning drive-bys, the questioning of his family and friends, the lame blank texts I'd send him, the phone calls from my work fax machine (so my number wouldn't come up on his phone) and the cyber-stalking. I knew I was behaving like an idiot and it had to stop. It had to.

 

And with the distance came clarity. This guy was NOT the man I wanted to be with. He treated me horribly, and bad as that was, he also enjoyed it. He's say something he knew would upset me, then he'd tilt his head back so he'd have a better view of me crying. Then he's shake his head with disgust and contempt and walk away, leaving me standing there stricken. And I thought I wanted more of this?? I thought I LOVED this guy???

 

He's tried several times to use the same tactics he used to use, and I can tell he's absolutely gobsmacked that they don't work anymore! He sends his family members (a few of whom I'm still friends with) passive-aggressive texts like the ones he used to send, but I just ignore him now. He tried desperately to get me to agree to allow him to attend the big birthday bash I was throwing for myself, but I told him no. Three times. He then got mad and wrote something rude on my Facebook page, so I deleted him and blocked him. He just couldn't believe that I don't love him anymore. He then texted his family member "I guess she never really loved me". Yeah, that's it. Nothing to do with how horribly he treated me.

 

He has zero power over me. I would never even consider going back to that hell.

 

I'm telling you all this for two reasons. One, because I'm sure he will try to creep back with the same old tactics. Forewarned is forearmed. And two, because I learned, at least for me, I needed distance (physical or mental and emotional) in order to gain clarity, and to realize I am not a slave to my "feelings". I can do what's best for me. And I should, and I will.

 

I don't know if any of this is helpful, but I hope at least some of it is!

 

Hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend. I have to work over the holiday, but they pay us extra for having to work so I will have a nice big paycheck to look forward to!

[Ksol9]

Hi Bolt. I hope you're enjoying the holiday weekend. I know you said you had to work, but with the nice paycheck, I'm sure it's nothing to complain about. I've had a really nice weekend. I worked for the most part of today also and now I'm just going to kick my feet up and do some laundry the rest of the day. I'll do some reading for my course as well. Not too bad. I'm ready for the rest of the week.

 

Thank you for sharing your story. Having experienced something like that, you can easily recognize the cycle happening in my situation. Thank you very much for helping me along the way. As many of you have said, it's easier to see things more objectively from the outside than it is for me. I am in the dark alot of times probably because I choose to be. I'm choosing to open my eyes now. I take everything you have said very seriously and I have read it over and over very carefully. Just because I think that it's time I start thinking with my brain and no longer with this heart of mine. My heart has lead me astray too many times.

 

I agree with you that he knows all too well that I wanted to be with him so badly. With each and every single break up, I showed him I would easily forgive and jump right back into our routine. I gave him the confidence he has in getting me right back. If I do hear from him, I doubt he will say anything of substance or interest. I don't know what he could say that would make it even worth it to give it a try. There is not a thing that seems enticing about going back to that relationship. I am very set on what I think about him. I believe he is constantly playing the fool on social media, looking for any opportunity for sex and will go for it if it presents itself, erotic massages, prostitutes, lies. He lives a dirty life. He sits at home while there the whole world is moving and shaking and enjoying their loved ones. His life consists of facebook, instagram, sitting at home, work during the week, and his extra shady activities. No thank you. None of it sounds like happiness to me. My thinking may be extreme, but I think he lives a dirty life. Just because he spends the majority of time with me doesn't make up for the nights he will be spending doing shady things. I do not trust a word that comes out of his mouth. He was just playing games with me and he wasn't wise enough to cover his tracks. I'm just not interested in pretending to have this wonderful relationship anymore. It's all pretty simple, he is not capable of having a healthy, faithful relationship. It will never work.

 

While I do think he knows what has worked for him in the past will get us back together, I don't really understand what would be his point. It would just be pure hell for us both. I will not pretend like everything is roses and it's just going to be constant problems. I don't see why he would even try to give it a go another round. Us going separate ways is really the best thing for us both. I don't care to even hear what he has to say. He will never change and the amount of anger and resentment I have for him for making me believe I was to blame for our relationship problems is unbelievable. This whole experience has taught me to be a better person, but most importantly to put myself first. This world will rip you to shreds if you don't look out for yourself first and foremost.

 

There is something void inside of me when I think about him now. I don't know if it is just the anger I have for what he has done, but I don't feel hurt like I did during previous breakups. This strength that I have is giving me motivation to move on with my life. I'm really excited about my future. I look forward to the new career path and falling in love again. I don't know how to explain it. I'm not interested in the life he wanted to give me anymore. He won't give me anything but BS and I am so much better than that! I don't see him ever being able to say anything that will make me change my tune. If anything, I will be extremely skeptical if I was even weak enough to go back.

 

Happy Memorial Day!

[Ksol9]

I sometimes go back and re-read some of my previous posts. Just to see what I was feeling at the moment or if my thoughts have changed. A lot of times, they reflect my emotions at the time. I read my most recent post and I thought to myself, I wonder how I would look at myself if I was just a reader here.

 

Here I am once again, saying this is the last time, I'll never talk to him, I'll never go back, I don't know what he could say to make things right. I've got to be smarter than this. This is a cycle and I should be fully aware of it. I've had plenty of practice since we are now going through a fourth breakup. This is just madness and I know I can't live like this anymore. This time, somehow I've been void of any sadness and depression...even the anxiety is gone. I'm somehow blocking it all out. The anger is pretty consistent, but it's not overpowering. I'm just trying to forget about it all. I can do better and I will do better. I can't allow myself to fail this time. And as bolt said in her last post..I can't deceive myself because that is what I'd be doing.

 

My goal is to empower myself by working hard on things that will better my life. How do I plan to accomplish that? Working out, therapy, family, studying, and being me...little, old me. I just want to be myself and I want to be happy. I don't want to be a lost soul. Bolt said it nicely.,.no one, not a single soul should have power over how I feel other than me! I'm going to be ok. I know I've got a lot of work to do. I don't have anymore time to waste. It's time I get serious about my life and about achieving the happiness I so much desire.

 

I'm wishing you all a nice night and a great week ahead. Goodnight.

[Ksol9]

Good morning friends!

 

Just wanted to wish you all a great day.

 

I've been running around all morning running errands. I'm feeling pretty accomplished because I've got everything under control and in order in the office. I have an appointment with my therapist today, so I'm looking forward to that. I haven't seen him for a couple weeks since I was out of town.

 

As I was driving back to the office, I saw him on the road again. We stopped at the light right next to eachother. I was in a different vehicle so I don't think he saw it was me. I looked over to see if he was looking and he wasn't. My heart was pounding, but it wasn't reaching out to him like it used to. Such a shame how things ended. I'm going to be alright. I know I'm going to get through this. Before long, this will all be a distant memory and it won't bother me at all to see him on the road. Maybe soon I'll meet someone new and I'll question why I ever wasted my tears on that man.

 

I'll be back later to update on how my appointment went. Have a great day! Talk again soon.

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone. Just wanted to talk a little about what my counselor spoke to me about today. I've been trying to process everything that we spoke about in today's visit. I've been feeling really weird since.

 

My therapist said I am doing really well. He was really happy to hear that I've signed up for a new course and that I've been managing things well. He's just really proud of me. I'm happy about that because there are days where I feel like I'm spinning my wheels in the same spot. I've been feeling really strange since my visit. I've been thinking alot about him. I keep thinking about how I can't believe this man was really just playing me for a fool. My therapist mentioned the words opportunist, untrustworthy, and unfaithful. How could I have been so blind? Is this really who he is? How in the world does that type of life bring happiness? I just can't wrap my head around it...why would anyone choose to live that way.

 

I'm sitting here thinking to myself that it's really over between him and I. I am finding it hard to believe that he was always this deceitful person. Why didn't I see it sooner? Why did I allow myself to fall in love with this man? Does he really think it's ok to be in a committed relationship and have casual sex outside of the relationship? When he screamed that I was trying to change him, did he mean that I should accept he is this type of man....a man who can't be monogamous? Did he really re-enter the relationship knowing he wasn't going to be faithful? These things are just swarming my brain. I feel so betrayed. So fooled. So stupid. I wish I could forget.

 

He ran away the day I found those receipts. He contacted me a few days later hoping I'd brush it under the rug. When I confronted him about his lies and cheating, he ran away again. Haven't heard from him since. That alone shows you this man was up to no good. He has never once done anything to save our relationship nor has he ever done anything to make it better. I'm so angry with him and I don't want to carry this hate for him. I hate that things ended up this way. I don't have full proof that he sleeps around and goes after casual sex, but I have facts that point in that direction. It makes me question myself at times and on a day like today, I'm struggling with that. I don't regret my decision and I do not want to be in a relationship like that, I am just not seeing things very clearly right now. I think I need to take a deep breath and take it easy the rest of the evening. I'm not feeling so well and I can't really put my finger on why. Feeling very confused.

 

He also spoke to me about the pattern we have been going in. He advised that I continue to do everything that I am currently doing, but to be mindful that he may contact again soon and that I needed to think about how I would like to handle any contact with him. I don't have an answer to any of that. I sometimes find it hard to believe he would even contact me any time soon. I just don't see that happening, so I am not preparing myself for it. The only thing I am focusing on is getting through each day. I feel like a confused mess. I don't really know how to put it into words. What is fact and what is assumption? Am I just manifesting all of these things out of anger or is this really happening?

[boltnrun]

He will contact you.

 

He always has.

 

He'll text you "Hey, how are you?" fully expecting you to reply, he'll invite you over, he'll expect you to leap at the chance, and bingo! There you are, back in his bed again.

 

Hasn't that been the way it's always happened?

 

Are you absolutely sure you don't want to be back with him? If you're sure, why not block him? Blocking isn't "immature", "harsh", "unnecessary" or "petty". It's a form of self-preservation. Because can you say for sure you would be able to resist him?

[Ksol9]

That is exactly what has always happened. As much as I don't want to live that life anymore, I cant say for sure I'll be able to resist him should he actually contact me and maybe I will be able to just ignore. Maybe the more time that goes by and the more distance Between us, the stronger I will get. I still bargain with myself very much. I'm being very honest and just writing that is a scary thing because I do believe deep in my heart that I would be playing with fire if was to ever go back. He will never ever be the person I thought he was. He was playing games with me and I need to open my eyes and keep them open. I need to believe it as much as I don't want to. This IS what he was doing behind my back. He lied to my face and who knows what else he has done that I didn't find out about. It would be absolutely stupid of me to think he would change.

 

My goal is to break free from things that are breaking me. I no longer want to invest myself in something that has been causing me so much harm. I doubted my instincts for so long and all along I felt like I was going crazy. I'm not crazy! It crossed my mind today to block him. That is something I need to seriously consider very soon. I don't care about his feelings because he never cared about mine.

[UnchainedSoul]

Hey Ksol,

 

I haven't been keeping up with your story because I have been going through a rough patch myself, and I am just coming out of it. I also got myself a brand new job! So hopefully, my life will take the turnaround it needs to.

 

I absolutely 1000% agree with what Bolt said in blocking him. I would go even a further step and change your number. I had to do that not too long ago when I had someone emotionally blackmailing me. I was in an abusive relationship and when I got out, he kept calling me and telling me he was going to kill himself. It made it absolutely impossible for me to walk away but I had to, I absolutely had to and I did the best thing for myself because I don't need any of that in my life. It took all the strength I had, but I finally changed my number of 15 years. It was a REALLY big step. That number was my first ever cell phone number and I had so much invested in it, you know, what if someone I hadn't talked to in a while wanted to call me and so on. It was a really BIG step.

 

I think you should do it too. I think there is some part of you that is secretly holding on because part of you is curious of what he has to say. I know you have all this anger and you have come such a long way (extra proud of you by the way!) but I think you are still holding on to a bit of hope, as slim as it is, that's why you were so confused the other day. Do more than block him, just change your number. He won't find you, EVER again. The only way would be to see him on the road or at the Car Wash. Do it Ksol, take your life back. Take away all the worry and anxiety. Start over, brand new. Your friends will understand. Hell even your cell phone carrier will understand. All I had to say is that someone was harassing me and they changed my number for free. Yes, I understand your case isn't as extreme, but I think you should try.

 

Start fresh, start anew. You have no idea how empowered and how good you will feel. This is for your sanity, this is for your health. It is all about YOU. Please consider my suggestion, and if you don't want to go that far, just block him. Do it. Nothing is stopping you. You don't need that "hey, how are you?" BS. Cause that's what it is, total BS.

 

Take you power back. Do it. I know you can.

 

All my love xoxoxo

[Ksol9]

Hi unchained. Congrats on the new job! I'm wishing you much success! I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch. I hope things are looking better for you today. Stay strong as you always tell me.

 

I have been thinking a lot about placing the block on his number. I don't think he will call, but for me so that I know I don't need to worry about that bs text if he ever decides to pop in. I actually don't expect him to try at all, but I feel once I have the block on there I won't be wondering. He won't come looking for me either. I honestly think he was subconsciously trying to get rid of me. I would also agree that deep down inside there is still this hope. I struggle with it a lot and that is why I bargain, but I know that is just my mind playing tricks on me. I will never reach out to him and my opinion of him and his sick games will never change. I don't think I'll ever feel different about it. I have no future with that man so it makes no sense to continue thinking about him. I don't see us going for another round and I don't feel the relationship will go any further. Of course there is a possility he will call due to the pattern we have going in, but I just see this thing as over for good this time. When the children left, I don't believe he would have reached out to me. It was me who broke Nc and I am the one who suggested we give things a try again. This time I'm not that desperate. He will continue on with his life doing his thing and I'm going to move on with mine. I still think about him, I still care about him, but I'm human and I know I could never be happy with him. Whatever feelings I have for him will die in due time. I'm ok. Im not the crying mess that I used to be. He did me wrong.

 

Thank you for checking in with me. I hope all goes well with the new job!

[boltnrun]

But I remember last time you said similar things about him, yet you went back anyway (with some encouragement to "give it one more try"). Some people decided he was "hurting" and encouraged you to reach out to him. And then all this happened.

 

That's why changing your number is a great idea. With time, you might minimize what happened, you might think "Maybe I've been wrong about him!", especially when you "miss" him. You'll justify everything he did or decide you overreacted. The vulnerability will be there.

 

But I don't think you'll reach out to him. And if you change your number he can't reach out to you. It's to protect yourself. Sometimes (lots of times lol!) we do things that are not good for us, so we need to be proactive to protect ourselves.

[SparklyBoots]

Hey, so happy to hear how positive you're being...but please do consider blocking, or changing contact details. Great way to truely move on...but needs a big mind change....

[figureitout23]

Guys, you cant force someone to do something they aren't necessarily ready to do. It does more harm than good. On paper, it makes perfect sense, block them so they cant contact you and if they cant contact you, you wont be tempted to go back. We know from the past that he is very capable of 'showing up' so really blocking or changing numbers does very little, if he wants to get through he will get through. I think if a person is ready, they will decide to do something so final on their own. Blocking a person is more than a physical act, its mental as well, and again, I think thats something the person needs to arrive at on their own so their healing goes smoothly. Just my personal opinion anyway.

 

Hope everyone is doing ok.

[boltnrun]

With all due respect, I don't think anyone here is trying to "force" ksol to do anything. Encourage, yes. "Force", no.

 

I know when I was going through the same thing, I could think of a zillion "reasons" why I shouldn't block my ex. But it all came down to trying to keep false hope that he would "realize" and "change", when he'd clearly shown me for a long time that he wasn't interested in changing.

 

Of course it's ksol's choice and absolute right to do what she feels is best for her. But sometimes people appreciate input from others outside the situation, and they understand that their logic might be clouded by emotion. I'd like to believe ksol understands that we wish to help and that we don't want her to be in pain anymore.