Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[figureitout23]

Oh boy. When I read the post I thought it was bolt who wrote those two posts. Did not realize you wrote the first one and bolt was only asking about the therapy. And no I was not doing anything passive aggressively. That's not what I'm here for.

 

My mistake, please accept my apology. It just seemed like you've been avoiding responding to people who were critical in their response.

 

Since you were responding to me I will respond:

 

I in no way tried to portray things as rainbows. It's certainly not. I've always come here for straightforward honest advice and I wouldn't be writing if I wanted my readers to back off. Yes, my relationship is getting better and yes there are still trust issues. They don't go away that easily of course and I don't expect them to. These are just my daily thoughts and events. My point was that while things are going well with him and I, I still have these thoughts and concerns that linger in my mind at times. I am a worrier and as you all know I've been working very hard to change my attitude...to not allow negativity to take over my life. I don't have over the top anxiety anymore. It has subsided a lot recently. In fact my anxiety has been very minimal lately. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just looking for something to worry about. I literally share my truest thoughts and feelings here.

 

I think its a combination of both, your trust issues and his doing things that are well, kinda iffy. That phone thing was weird. I wonder why he had you answer. Was it to ease your anxiety or was he kinda stirring the pot? I don't think maliciously. I don't know you or him so I don't really know, but the whole thing was odd and would, in my opinion, have anyone feel uncomfortable.

 

As for couples therapy, I spoke about this with my therapist on Thursday.. We were not sure if we would enter into couples therapy with my current therapist or not. That would mean I would be ending individual therapy. I decided it was best for us to choose another therapist for couples counseling and I would continue my individual therapy with my current therapist. He's been traveling a bit for work so maybe this week he won't be out of town for so many days. I'll be researching a therapist this week.

 

I'm also glad to hear this. As I've said before I dont think its all you and I dont think its all him, I think you both bring issues into the relationship that cause conflict and facing them is probably the only way to move forward.

 

At the end of the day, you two need to communicate, maybe wait until you start therapy since I think that fear is still there with you and the resistance is still there with him and confronting things now may cause more harm than good

 

Good luck!

[Ksol9]

Figureitout23. No need to apologize. I've just been trying to take some time out to really change my negative mindset that I've had. I was trying to be understanding and patient. I didn't want to treat him like an enemy.

 

Something just happened a little bit ago. I left to call a friend and to get a hold of myself. I'm back now laying in bed. He hasn't said a word to me and he is out on the couch watching the fight. I am sure I will get a bs explanation about what I found. This is why the co workers girlfriend was blowing up his phone that night. They were getting themselves into trouble that night. I'm not sure what to do. All I know is that I can't run. I have to have some sort of dialogue about this with him. If I walk out, we will go into another long period of nc and the cycle will continue again. It's important I stay in control of my emotions and then have communication with him about this.

 

Remember when I was saying everything happens for a reason....

 

He decided to order the boxing fight at home. We ordered dinner and did a little shopping earlier. He did some laundry and I decided to help him put it away. As I was putting the clothes away, 2 receipts fall out from in between laundry. I guess he had emptied clothes from his traveling bag. Clean clothes that he threw in the laundry pile. So I saw a strange Asian name on the receipt. I google it. A listing from backpage.com shows up. Asian massage..new young girls...you know what that means. That was the night he was out of the town. The one night I wasn't there and he told me about the 58 missed calls. His co workers girlfriend was blowing up the phone because she knew where they were. Her bf's phone is an iPhone and she tracked their whereabouts. He told me they were at a restaraunt and bar playing pool. I don't doubt that they were but before they went there, he did not call me for a few hours prior. The three guys went to this place. One receipt stated 9:30 pm and the other 10:45 pm. What are 3 men going to a massage place at this time for? A massage establishment that is listed on backpage.com. I searched massage places in the area he was working in and it came up 4th on the a backoage search. These 3 men are all in serious relationships. He kept telling me his co workers girlfriend is not a nice person. She kept calling because she's insecure, that her bf wasn't lying, etc. Shes at home with their young child. They went to this place and who knows what happened but I'm sure you all will call me a fool if I don't realize what was going on there.

 

I'm not upset..I'm just really, really disappointed. He lied to me. He said they were driving around looking for a place to eat. He lied. He flat out lied to me. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to go into a crisis right now. Please someone help me. Am I in denial about this man? He works in the construction industry. He is a project director and does hard labor with his crew at times. Construction workers are known to do this type of thing. Especially when away from their families.

 

I need help. This is not my mind playing tricks on me. This isn't insecurity. This is a red flag. Something is very wrong here. He lied to me and never said he went to get these massages. When I told him about it. He started screaming at me. He said did you seee who they were for? The receipt doesn't say names. It says his credit card and amount. He's obviously going to say they went there but he didn't get any. Just like he told me he gave the condoms to his co worker. This is really bad.

[figureitout23]

Figureitout23. No need to apologize. I've just been trying to take some time out to really change my negative mindset that I've had. I was trying to be understanding and patient. I didn't want to treat him like an enemy.

 

Something just happened a little bit ago. I left to call a friend and to get a hold of myself. I'm back now laying in bed. He hasn't said a word to me and he is out on the couch watching the fight. I am sure I will get a bs explanation about what I found. This is why the co workers girlfriend was blowing up his phone that night. They were getting themselves into trouble that night. I'm not sure what to do. All I know is that I can't run. I have to have some sort of dialogue about this with him. If I walk out, we will go into another long period of nc and the cycle will continue again. It's important I stay in control of my emotions and then have communication with him about this.

 

Remember when I was saying everything happens for a reason....

 

He decided to order the boxing fight at home. We ordered dinner and did a little shopping earlier. He did some laundry and I decided to help him put it away. As I was putting the clothes away, 2 receipts fall out from in between laundry. I guess he had emptied clothes from his traveling bag. Clean clothes that he threw in the laundry pile. So I saw a strange Asian name on the receipt. I google it. A listing from backpage.com shows up. Asian massage..new young girls...you know what that means. That was the night he was out of the town. The one night I wasn't there and he told me about the 58 missed calls. His co workers girlfriend was blowing up the phone because she knew where they were. Her bf's phone is an iPhone and she tracked their whereabouts. He told me they were at a restaraunt and bar playing pool. I don't doubt that they were but before they went there, he did not call me for a few hours prior. The three guys went to this place. One receipt stated 9:30 pm and the other 10:45 pm. What are 3 men going to a massage place at this time for? A massage establishment that is listed on backpage.com. I searched massage places in the area he was working in and it came up 4th on the a backoage search. These 3 men are all in serious relationships. He kept telling me his co workers girlfriend is not a nice person. She kept calling because she's insecure, that her bf wasn't lying, etc. Shes at home with their young child. They went to this place and who knows what happened but I'm sure you all will call me a fool if I don't realize what was going on there.

 

I'm not upset..I'm just really, really disappointed. He lied to me. He said they were driving around looking for a place to eat. He lied. He flat out lied to me. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to go into a crisis right now. Please someone help me. Am I in denial about this man? He works in the construction industry. He is a project manager and does hard labor with his crew at times. Construction workers are known to do this type of thing. Especially when away from their families.

 

I need help. This is not my mind playing tricks on me. This isn't insecurity. This is a red flag. Something is very wrong here. He lied to me and never said he went to get these massages. When I told him about it. He started screaming at me. He said did you seee who they were for? The receipt doesn't say names. It says his credit card and amount. He's obviously going to say they went there but he didn't get any. Just like he told me he gave the condoms to his co worker. This is really bad.

 

Ksol, I got nothing. I'm sorry I just dont know. I dont get what hes doing or why. Because we are only hearing about this from your side, I dont know if youre just hyper paranoid and go looking for this stuff or if hes just being shady and you keep catching him.

 

I will tell you from my experience, once my ex saw that I desperately wanted him back, he lost any and all fear of losing me so he did what he pleased. Why not? I wasn't going anywhere. One day I told him, 'You do all these things to me and I forgive you, but if I did half of what you've done to me you'd be gone' and we both knew it was true!

 

I dont know if that's the case here, just please tread lightly and keep your eyes open. No man is worth being miserable for!

[boltnrun]

I really do hope he's not at the place where he feels smug that no matter what he does, all he has to do is scream at you and you'll be quiet like a good girl and let it (whatever "it" is) slide.

 

See, the real difference would be you not only expressing yourself, but following up with actions. If you say "this bothers me", but he screams and you stay, what really has changed?

 

Have you followed through with only spending one or two nights a week with him? Or are you fearful that if you stay away he'll contact other women?

 

I just don't see these huge changes you indicate have taken place. I mean, he screams at you! If I told you my partner screamed at me what would you think?

 

I can't see that staying in this relationship AS IT IS NOW is going to help your anxiety. In fact, it looks to me like it's the major source of it.

 

If it were me...I would not stay the night tonight. Or any night unless and until a couples therapy session is confirmed. If you don't want to stay elsewhere because you fear he will turn to another woman, well, that says it all right there.

 

Can you stay at your parents' home tonight?

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone. Thank you bolt and figureitout23.

 

I have been staying with him less. I decided to spend the weekend with him. He just came into the bedroom and he explained with extreme anger that they googled a massage place closest to their hotel room. I googled it and it said it was right down the street 12 minutes away. He said his co worker wanted the massage because his back was in pain. I know his co worker has back issues. But the problem is he lied to me. He didn't say a word about going there and we were in touch all night. He said he paid 70$ before the massage which was for one hour. Then he ran the card after for 40$ for the tip for all 3 of them. This is strange because reviews online say you pay 40$ for the happy ending. I saw online it is 70$ for an hour massage and 40$ for happy ending. There were two receipts. One for $70 and another for &40.

 

He screamed in frustration and said he googled the closest place that did massages. He said he didn't tell me because of what was happening right now...my reaction. He said because we just got back together he knew everything was so raw and fragile that he didn't want to tell me (still screaming, I'm sobbing). I'm telling him that this is what he does when he's out of town and that if that's what he's doing he's exposing me to diseases. I was absolutely accusing him and to be honest, I didn't care. He lied to me. Why didn't he just tell me they needed massages because they worked so hard that day. I told him how he took me to work with him the next day and made a total fool out of me in front of his co workers. I told him he was ruining my life. He kept screaming that I'm crazy. That this was bs. That I was nasty for even thinking that.

 

There's no way to know. Just my speculation once again. Remember the condoms? What if they were used when he went out of town? I'm talking real facts here. I found condoms and I found receipts to a massage parlor known for this kind of thing. It's on backpage!! He could be completely honest or he could just be a boldfaced liar. I don't have anxiety at all. I have fear of diseases. I have to think about my future and if this is what I want....a man going out of town and not telling me about massages late at night. Is that what I want for my life? He lied about it. and I think the 40$ is too coincidental. That doesn't sound like a tip for 3 people to me. It's the exact price as the hand job.

 

I think you're both right. Figureitout23, once he sees I will stay Thru anything, he will have no respect for me. Bolt, I should not stay here. It's almost 2am. I'm going to bed. He stormed out of the room and is sleeping on the couch. I will think about what I will say to him in the morning. I believe you're both right. I need to tread lightly and keep my eyes open. I'll be heading home tomorrow morning. I'm not going to make a huge debacle of this...more than what it already is. there is no way to know he is going to these places for anything sexual, but that is what it sure looks like to me. Don't know what's going to happen in the morning, but I do think you're both right and I should take that into consideration when speaking to him tomorrow morning before I leave. I really don't care about being away from him and what he'll do. If he did go there for sexual favors, that means he'll absolutely do anything in my face. I'm really disappointed. He's a liar. Liar just for the simple fact he didn't tell me..everything else is left open to my imagination. I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I feel real foolish to be honest. Almost like someone needs to slap me right out of denial. If he is doing these things, he deserves an award because he 100% has me fooled. He appears to care deeply and appears to want to make this work. Going to get massages at 10:30 at night is very sketchy to me. I'm uncomfortable about it regardless whether anything happened or not. I'll let you all know what happens tomorrow. I'm not afraid to lose him. I'm afraid to lose myself.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I just read all the updates. Ah, I don't know what to say. In reference to what was discussed earlier, I do feel that sometimes you need soothing, and to be talked down from your anxiety. But I also believe that you do need honest opinions, especially in cases like this one. So as much as I hate to say this, it doesn't sound good On the one hand, he had no problem with handing his phone over and tracking the blocked calls, which would indicate he has nothing to fear and nothing to hide. But now this. I think you're being perfectly reasonable with your suspicions. This shocks me, to be honest. I thought he would do everything possible to stay in line, because he clearly wants the relationship. But Asian massages? I don't think it's a stretch to guess what that means. If they were truly looking for a basic massage to help his coworkers back, it seems like they would leave when they realized what kind of place it was. I know what a happy ending is because there was a girl on Dr Phil who gave massages and "happy endings." Anyways, I won't go on and on about it, but I am in full agreeance that it's all very sketchy. His coworker's gf was freaking out about it with all the calls, and probably for good reason. Add to that the fact that he gets defensive and angry and stonewalls, and well, it's just not good. People will get angry when they're accused of something they didn't do, but they'll also get angry and defensive when they're caught.

 

Bolt and figureitout gave good advice. He has to know that you won't stick around for this kind of thing. Even just him sleeping on the couch is reason enough to leave. I know you probably don't feel comfortable leaving with things unsettled, so I suppose it's okay to stay so that you can discuss it in the morning. But don't let him rug-sweep this. I'm really sorry this has happened. I had high hopes that he had learned his lesson and was going to do right. And we don't know for sure that he did anything wrong, but we certainly know what it looks like. I'm sorry I'll be up for a while if you want to chat about it.

[Ksol9]

Hey lostlove. You guys are all right about this. We don't know that he did, but I think I know deep down inside this is what he did. They all did it and the following day he had me there with him and his conworkers. I feel like a total fool. From what I read, it's very well known for happy endings. They went late at night so I'm sure they went there knowing what they were doing. I read that when the women ask them to flip over they ask if they want a happy ending. He paid 40$ which is the price for the happy ending. He lied to me. He actually lied and said they were somewhere else. The happy ending is just common sense. No one would ever know.

 

I too thought he wouldn't do anything like this. He obviously saw no problem in going because he thought I'd never find out. I too thought he wanted the relationship and wouldn't do anything to jeopardize it. I do believe he wants the relationship and I don't believe he is looking to cheat with another woman or is he looking for an emotional and sexual relationship. He's clean as a whistle in that regard, but I believe this is something these guys do often. And to me, this is cheating. He sees nothing wrong in it and the happy ending is just something he does and doesn't see anything wrong with it. We don't know that he did but it sure looks like it. If he did or didn't, knowing we have had so many problems, I'm shocked to know he did something like this. I'm just so sad about it. I don't want to be in denial here. It looks really bad on his part and what is he supposed to say. Obviously he wouldn't tell me. I can't allow him to rug sweep and as much as I don't want to leave on bad terms, I have to. I have to leave in the morning. I need to let him know that he needs to think long and hard about what he wants in his life. If this is the lifestyle he wants to live, he's not going to ruin my life in the process. He's going to make me feel like I'm crazy, like I'm jumping to conclusions, like I'm insecure for checking out receipts, for snooping. I didn't even snoop through the bag. He placed the clothes from the bag in the clean laundry pile. I have to leave him to let us both think and cool off. I'm just at a loss here. It looks bad and it probably is. If a woman is massaging a man and then signals to ask if he wants a happy ending. There's no reason he'd say no. This is what men go to this place for. The 3 of them deserve to get into a lot of trouble with their wives and girlfriends. I don't know how we are going to get past this one. He's going to tell me everything in the book. He will never tell me he got a happy ending. What do I do?

[Ksol9]

I was just thinking lostlove. The way he was sounding he might just wake up tomorrow morning and throw the whole relationship away like he did the other times. He'll make all kinds of excuses about how it will never work and I'll never change. All because he knows he did this and looks like a total creep. No woman wants this kind of man. A man that visits Asian massage parlors at night while out of town. Nor would they want one that writes emails to ex flings while out of town. He is a total nightmare. I know he's trying. I won't take that from him, but this is just wrong and I'm pretty sure tomorrow things are going to get much worse. He's going to end this before I'm able to walk out on him because he knows how this makes him look. So before accepting that he looks like a jerk, he will turn this around on me again. That is exactly how he was sounding when he came in to the room. I was crying, but I'm calm. Tomorrow I'll be calm and I'll say what I have to say. He has to know this isn't ok with me. I don't think any woman would be ok with this.

He lied to me.

[lostlove76]

I feel so bad this happened but I agree with everything you're saying. What jumped out at me most about your last couple of posts is how he's making you out to be the crazy one. This is the oldest technique in the book when someone is caught doing something they shouldn't - they blame the woman for snooping, or for being crazy, or for being too emotional. It takes the focus off what they did and puts it onto you and makes you the bad guy. Oftentimes it works, and the woman starts to question herself, and then criticize herself for being too insecure. You're wise enough to see through this! Don't let him gaslight you. Even IF he didn't get a happy ending, he still went to a sketchy place where he should not have been. And he still lied by omission by not telling you about it, and then was perhaps further dishonest when questioned. You're not the only one having a problem with it - his coworker's girlfriend, too, felt that something was up. So don't doubt yourself.

 

A lot of men may feel like this kind of thing is no big deal. But to us, yes, it is a big deal. And yes, I consider it cheating as well. I say that assuming that he did something, but even if he didn't, he still put himself in a sketchy situation where he should not have been. I guess everyone has different ideas about what is cheating. Where is the line drawn? Porn? Strip clubs? Emotional? Sexual? All that matters is what is acceptable to YOU. I would not be okay with it either, nor would most women. Most men might brush it off as being no big deal, and that's the unfortunate difference between men and women. But honestly, he knows better ksol. He KNOWS this would not have been okay with you. Otherwise there would be no reason to hide anything. I can't say why he would do it. Maybe it's as simple as "peer pressure" and wanting to fit in with the other guys. But it's still not okay.

 

I hope you will maintain your power, whatever happens. If he ends things in the morning, he's not worthy of you!!! I know you love him, but you deserve the best. You give the best, and you deserve the same in return. He may wake up and act on impulse and defensiveness and repeat the breakup cycle - if he does, I really hope you'll find it within yourself to realize that you deserve better. But just wait and see what happens in the morning. If he's done nothing wrong, then he should explain what happened with full honesty and no anger.

 

I worry that this is going to turn into another silent period and the cycle will repeat itself. I really hate to see you go through that pain again, of feeling like he doesn't care and threw it all away. So I guess my suggestion would be to try to have a discussion, say all you need to say so that you have no regrets. And if you have to walk away, walk away with your head high and knowing that you did all you could. This is not a case of your trust issues or insecurities messing things up. The evidence is there. So again, don't doubt yourself.

 

I'm so sorry this has happened

[boltnrun]

Look, I sure don't want to throw cold water on you when you're obviously already devastated, but isn't this the third major fight you two have had? Condoms, Facebook, massage. And you've only been back to seeing each other again for about 7 weeks?

 

This doesn't fall into the "But ALL couples fight!" category. It's a lot for such a short amount of time.

 

I do still think you jumped back in waaaayyyyy too fast. I would have recommended no overnights until a few couples therapy sessions had been completed. But that's water under the bridge now. What's done is done.

 

I don't know if this is over. But I still stand by what I said earlier...maybe, despite all the love you two have for each other, you two just can't be in a relationship. At least not any time soon.

 

I am sincerely sorry you are going through this. I know you really want this to work. I hope you do find happiness, whether it's with him or in a different way. You seem very nice and come across as very giving. Maybe you can call your therapist or maybe talk to your mom or someone who can listen and give you some comfort.

[Ksol9]

I am not going crazy and my insecurities don't just come out of no where. I have always been a very intuitive person. There is just something very sketchy about this man's behavior. It all points to someone who will cheat and have random sex.

 

He woke up this morning angry. Slamming doors, making noise. I'm still laying in bed thinking about what to say. I sw him jump in the shower. I knew he was going to run again. Just like the condom issue. He left his phone out on the table. I went straight for it. I went into the Instagram app and looked at the direct messages. One message to a woman he sent on Tuesday evening (same day as massage issue) saying, "one time. That's it." She replied with a question mark. Another message to a local stripper, "nothing? You already know." I'm beginning to think he's a total psycho. He was obviously insinuating a sexual conversion to see if they would follow. They were obviously confused by the indirect statements. There were no follow up messages. I waited until he got out of the shower and I said calmly I needed to talk and that he shouldn't run. That we shouldn't go through the same pattern as always. I showed him the messages and he flipped. Angry and came up to my face screaming things that didn't make sense. That I'm crazy. That hes never done anything. He said he needed to think if this relationship is what he wants because he doesn't want to live with this. That I'm insecure and crazy. Go figure.

 

I'm not hallucinating. This IS inappropriate behavior. Would any of you women appreciate your husband or bf sending messages like this? Would any of you women appreciate your husband or bf visiting happy ending massage parlors in the middle of the night? There's something terribly wrong here. He stormed out of the house. I'm ready to talk and to hear what he has to say. I don't want to fight. Just don't want to go through what I went through the past few months with total silence. We need to talk and I need to hear what he has to say. I know you all might think this is time for me to leave it behind for good or maybe I'm going overboard. I don't know...maybe I'm not thinking clearly and when my emotions settle things will be more clear. I took a shower and left. I will stay at my parents house. I wanted to send a text but I think it's best I let things settle in a little before I talk to him. I really don't know what to do. Maybe he just isn't satisfied with me. Maybe I'm not good enough for him.

 

I don't know what is going to happen. I don't know if he will contact me again or not. He is known for leaving everything on the floor and not saying a word to me ever again. I'm just very numb right now. I know he feels like a total jerk and I know he ran because he doesn't know how to deal with this. I don't know what to do or what to say or if I should just let him cool off and think. I really don't know.

 

This is craziness. A good, faithful man doesn't play with fire like this.

[Ksol9]

I contacted my therapist to change my appointment to tomorrow rather than Tuesday. I need to see him as soon as possible. My therapist sent me the following text:

 

Remember mindfulness. Stay in the present. Right now you are OK. And you are really good at sticking to the facts. Don't let your mind wander any further than the facts.

 

I'm trying to stay calm. I'm still feeling very numb. I haven't heard from him and I'm questioning if I should even say anything to him. I hate to go through this. I changed my therapy appointment and will meet with him tomorrow at noon. Do I not say a word to him until I meet with my counselor or do I text him to try to stay connected? Why should I push to stay connected when he's the one doing all these wrong things?

[Clarisse]

Trust your instincts, Ksol. His behavior was fishy in the past and it's fishy now. He's not innocent. You're not crazy

[Ksol9]

Something is terribly wrong. He's making me feel like I'm going crazy or that I'm insecure and I keep looking for reasons not to trust him. This is sketchy behavior. There id no explaining any of that and that is probably the reason he ran out of the house this morning. He runs from conflict because he doesn't know how to communicate. He's just destroying me. He's ruining my life. This is not me. If he says there is nothing wrong with getting a massage, why lie about it then. He gave me a slew of lies that night about where they were. What about those messages on Instagram? They are absolutely wrong. That is worse than the massage thing to me because it shows he is is fishing for something. He called me insecure but he is the one looking for attention. He's not innocent at all.

 

I honestly don't know what to do today. I'll worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes. Do I sit back and not contact him today or do I attempt to talk. I don't want to go back into nc for another 3 months and then tbe chcle starts again. I need to have a discussion with him. Then we can make a decision from there. Do I wait until tomorrow after I speak to my therapist? I just don't know what to do. I can't leave this like this and walk away. I'll end up going through the same mess as I did in January.

 

My counselor said to stay in the moment, to remain calm. Maybe it is best I leave things alone for a little bit. I know we both need some time to let everything settle. Emotions are high. He might not say anything to me, but st least I will have a better chance at getting some sort of communication from him when anger and emotions are not a factor. I need to try to get a hold of myself because I am slowly going into a panic.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. It sounds like you're doubting yourself an awful lot. You're not crazy, and this isn't your insecurities talking. He's making it seem like you're the one at fault because he knows he's wrong, he knows he got caught, and he doesn't want to admit to it. So he's turning it around on you. Please don't doubt yourself; unfortunately, the evidence is there. I'm a little bit confused about the IG messages. Did he delete whatever came before that? The "nothing? You already know" sounds like it's in response to something.

 

I'm still taken aback that he would do any of this, after everything you guys have gone through. And if he'll do this now, during what is essentially the honeymoon period after getting back together, what will he do later on? I feel bad saying any of this, because I know how much you want to be with him. And I know that when I was going through similar with mine, I really wanted to believe that I was mistaken. I often chose to turn a blind eye. But I just have to be honest, as your friend here, and say that none of this looks good. Could he be entirely innocent? Maybe, but it sure doesn't seem that way, does it? Just know that you aren't crazy. You're not overreacting. You're not seeing things that aren't there.

 

Do you want to fix things with him, or have you thought that far yet? This is similar to the email situation from before. You caught him. His behavior is sketchy, if not downright cheating, depending on how far he actually took things with the happy ending.

 

I'm just so sorry How are you feeling right now?

[Ksol9]

There wasn't anything before any of those comments. I'm assuming he deleted them. Still it's not right and I don't think anyone in their right mind would tolerate any of it. I just tried to doze off since I didn't sleep all night, I woke up scared. The feeling is so similar to what we went through before. I'm determined not to let that happen again. I don't know if I should go over there later to try to talk. It's just really hard to say what I want at this point. It all looks really bad and I don't think we can go any further if he doesn't drop his defenses and say he messed up. I haven't heard a word from him and I get the feeling I won't. I get the feeling he will text me that he doesn't want the relationship. It's really sad that he would do this at this point in reconciliation. We were both trying so hard to get this right. I know he was trying, but with all of this, I just don't know if he just can't control himself or what his problem is. We can't move forward without trying to identify that and I have a feeling he may not even want to move forward. He will continue to try to blame me for this. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be done with this.

 

I love him, but I can't just be my sweet understanding self with him. There is no excuses for this behavior and something inside of me tells me that I need to be really tough with him about it. The only problem is if he doesn't want to be bothered and doesn't have anything to say to me, then I'll have no choice but to walk away like all the other times. I'm really curious to see what my therapist says I should do and how he thinks I should handle this. I told him I wanted to do things differently because my biggest fear is that this would be a repeat of January. I think I just need to be patient. I know he knows what he has been doing us totally wrong. The massage thing was totally wrong. I don't need a man who visits massage parlors late at night while out of town. I'm beginning to think he's a sick person. For the first time I'm starting to feel he has some loose screws. This is really unbelievable. Fortunately, I'm not crying. Im not angry. Just worried. Worried about handling this all the right way. I love him and wish we could talk, but he isn't capable. He doesn't know how. When the condom issue happened, I thought I wasn't going to hear from him but he contacted me the next day. This time, he knows he messed up especially with those messages. He's not going to say a word to me. I dont know what to feel or what to do.

[boltnrun]

What is there to "fix"? Why try to stay "connected"?

 

And I'm not being facetious. I really am wondering.

 

Do you think there is anything you can say to him that will make him "change"? Or stop these behaviors?

 

I am of the opinion that people do things because they want to. It wasn't a "mistake". It wasn't a "bad decision". See, people who are committed to their relationship don't do these things. Period.

 

You are not making a big deal out of nothing.

 

Question is, can you and are you willing to stay in this relationship as it is right now. No "change", just the way things are now. Because despite all you have tried to do to do things differently this time, I haven't observed from what you've written that there has been any effort on HIS part to do things differently. It just isn't there.

 

Can you live like this indefinitely?

 

And personally I would not try to communicate. Believe me, I understand the panic and anxiety, feeling like "I need to fix this NOW!!!" Because you can't tolerate the feelings of panic and anxiety. But, see, I view him as the SOURCE of the panic and anxiety, not the solution to them. He needs to see you mean business, that he can't just do as he pleases, completely disregarding you and your relationship, and you'll just keep sweeping under the rug and running back because you panic without him. There needs to be consequences. As I always say, no consequences, no change.

[UnchainedSoul]

I just wanted to offer my hand and a hug of emotional support. You know what has to happen deep in your heart. I wouldn't try and text him until after your therapy appointment tomorrow. After all that I read, it's obvious this man is up to no good and has been for a long time. You just happen to want to make it work so badly you don't see any of it.

 

Ksol, I have a man in my life that's my best friend. He has absolutely all the freedom in the world to see other women, and yet he stays true to me. He has no Instagram, Facebook, and doesn't go to Asian massage parlors. He works with a group of guys in the IT department and can easily do whatever he wants to be "one of the guys." He doesn't do any of that, why? Because he is a good person and cares about me and my feelings.

 

I bring this up because my best friend is a classic example of a really good man, and there are good men out there. You love this man so much that the six billion other people in the world are invisible to you because you are stuck on this man. You may love each other, I have no doubt in that, but he wants his cake and he wants to eat it too. He wants you there thinking you're crazy so he can get away with being a creep. I don't know him or what his intentions are, but NOT ALL MEN are like this.

 

Please accept my sincere love and hugs as you go through this hard time. It's important to remember all the facts as your therapist said. Condoms, Facebook, massage. These are three major events that happened in a short period of time. Keep your head on straight. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. All your feelings and fears have validity. Just breathe and get through today, you will see your therapist tomorrow, no need to contact him today.

 

Take good care of yourself. You have all my support.

[figureitout23]

Breathe... Think things through. I agree a lot with Bolt and others who say you are going way too fast! Look what you wrote:

 

We are in a good place right now. I want to us build new habits..good habits. That way we never revisit our old ways. There won't be another time where we are in nc for 3 months.

 

 

And look today:

 

I honestly don't know what to do today. I'll worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes. Do I sit back and not contact him today or do I attempt to talk. I don't want to go back into nc for another 3 months and then tbe chcle starts again.

 

You're everywhere Ksol.

 

 

I felt you went from broken to fixed with a blink of an eye without there being any real work done. That's why I made the comments I did, I wasn't trying to be negative or insensitive and believe me I'm not trying to be now, I just really felt you two were going to hit a wall the second any conflict arose and it looks like you guys unfortunately did.

 

Look at how you convinced yourself everything was great simply because you were in the honeymoon stage. Its not going to be that easy Ksol, you two have some very real issues to face. Its the same cycle, you guys aren't going to make it unless you stop, slow down and recognize just because your anxiety is soothed does not mean everything is ok. You keep putting a bandaid on a gushing wound hoping it'll hold.

 

I'm going to be honest, I'm not fully convinced this is all him. Just looking at things last time. You freaked out about the email girl and once you calmed down and got back together it was almost as if it wasn't as big as you made it out to be.Is it because you were so happy to be back together you let it go? Did he convince you it was all in your head or was it actually in your head? Is he cheating or are you overreacting? Is he being a POS and as LL said gaslighting you or are you crossing lines by doing things like going through his phone the second he leaves the room?

 

I cant tell because it seems the second you start to miss him because hes not talking to you or two 'make up' all these concerns you have seem to go out the window.

 

I feel the truth of this whole situation lies somewhere inbetween so its in my humble opinion that you just need to let things settle and see your counselor.

[lostlove76]

It seems like you're willing to forgive anything he does and still move forward with the relationship. If he got a happy ending, do you really still want to be with him? Where is the line? And here he is doing the same thing he's always done, getting angry and leaving and going silent. I understand your position, because I was the same. I wanted to be with mine so badly that I was willing to forgive just about anything. Any time I ended things because of something he had done, I just waited for him to come back and say he wanted me. I see you doing the exact same thing here. You're wanting to fix things, even if he potentially cheated. Your main fear is another silent period, and it sounds like you would take him back again if that happened, and just allow yourself another couple months of misery. You're worried he will end the relationship, yet you're not thinking of ending it yourself even given what he's done and how he's reacted afterwards.

 

I really hope I'm not sounding too harsh I have been where you are, and I know how you feel. If you aren't ready to end things, then you just aren't ready. Do wait and see what your therapist says. I'm interested to see if he'll suggest you keep working on things, or if he thinks you should end it. Would he tell you if he thinks you should end it? Or does he follow your lead based on what you want to do? Just curious.

 

Be gentle with yourself today. This is a lot to process, and no need to force yourself to figure out how to feel. Just let it soak in.

[Ksol9]

No, none of you are being harsh. I need to hear all of this. I will sit still tonight and will talk to my therapist first before talking to him. You all made some very important points. No change, no consequences. Is this entirely his fault? Why am I not thinking of ending it myself? I think I might be in denial about what he is really doing. I really think he is up to no good and has always been. In times of conflict and even when things are ok, he's still making these choices. They aren't mistakes or bad decisions. People who are committed to their relationships don't do these types of things.

 

You're all very right and I need to listen. I'm going to try to keep occupied tonight and will see what my therapist has to say tomorrow. I know he has to go out of town on Tuesday and I'm not sure if we will speak before then, but I think this thing is just going to go south from here. This isn't going to end well, so I better prepare myself. He will do just as he has done in the past. He didn't do anything wrong and I am the insecure one who snoops. Was I wrong to research the receipts or look through the Instagram. I needed to know these things right? He's going to blame this all on me. It's too much of a mess to try to get out of now so I believe he will bail.

[Ksol9]

I'll be back later to respond to your posts. There is so much I want to respond to. I believe it will help me process and hopefully bring me to a place where I can make a good decision for myself. I'm really worried right now. He's not doing anything and I'm not doing anything. The same thing is going to happen. What more do I need to see that this is not a good person? He wants to live this kind of lifestyle or else he would not do any of those things.

 

I might even be in denial about where things are right now. I am thinking there is a pending conversation l, when in fact there is probably none. I don't know what to do. Right now I'm just very lost in my thinking and in what I'm feeling. I'm going to shower and will be back to respond.

[Ms Darcy]

I was just thinking lostlove. The way he was sounding he might just wake up tomorrow morning and throw the whole relationship away like he did the other times. He'll make all kinds of excuses about how it will never work and I'll never change. All because he knows he did this and looks like a total creep. No woman wants this kind of man. A man that visits Asian massage parlors at night while out of town. Nor would they want one that writes emails to ex flings while out of town. He is a total nightmare. I know he's trying. I won't take that from him, but this is just wrong and I'm pretty sure tomorrow things are going to get much worse. He's going to end this before I'm able to walk out on him because he knows how this makes him look. So before accepting that he looks like a jerk, he will turn this around on me again. That is exactly how he was sounding when he came in to the room. I was crying, but I'm calm. Tomorrow I'll be calm and I'll say what I have to say. He has to know this isn't ok with me. I don't think any woman would be ok with this.

He lied to me.

 

You want this kind of man. You want him very badly.

 

Talking and talking doesn't fix behaviors that you fundamentally disagree with.

 

He is who he is. You just need to make a decision as to whether or not you are going to accept it or leave.

 

As others have said, the reality that you may not want to admit is that you are incompatible.

[Ksol9]

You're right Ms Darcy. I do want to be with him but I don't think I can live with this one.

 

As the hours are passing by, I am feeling like I'm just going to let this go. I know he isn't going to say a word to me. He will let this go just like he did all the other times. The more I sit and think about this, there isn't anything we can talk about. I kept thinking I needed to talk to him, but maybe I just need to let it go. No amount of talking is going to save this. I think it is up to me to move on with my life this time.

[boltnrun]

Unfortunately, I have to agree.

 

You two talked about the condoms. He then goes ahead and refuses to add you on Facebook. He screams. You back down. Then, he goes ahead and patronizes a massage parlor that blatantly specializes in the "happy ending" massage and lies to you about it. He also proceeds to text other women while he's out of town. Conceals that from you. Screams at you when you ask him about it. Sleeps on the couch, slams things around in the morning, then leaves you alone in his home without even attempting to comfort you. Not even a "Honey, I know things are bad right now but I really want this to work. Can we talk later?" Nope, just leaves.

 

I can assure you he expects you to "fix" things (as in, he contacts you, you return without a word about the condoms, Facebook OR the massage and texts).

 

It's really up to you if you can accept these things are going to happen in between (and even at the same time as) the good times. If you can't, well, then you know what to do.

 

I feel the ONLY way things will be resolved is WHEN he attends couples therapy. Not if he promises to some vague time in the future, not if he promises to when he's not traveling so much, but NOW. As in, he books an appointment for the upcoming week and keeps it. AND, you let him know there will be no cozy overnight stays until a few sessions are completed.

 

One more thing...if he is so willing to let you go, think about if this is the kind of man you want to spend your life with.

 

I hope you can spend a calm evening with your parents, maybe take a nice bath with some wine (not too much wine lol!) and a good book and then relax with them.