Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

Hi sparklyboots thank you for your post. I remember you from before. Thank you for following my story.

 

There is a common trend in all the advice I've received recently and that is to move slowly. I think you're right, I should be moving cautiously as we are being very intimate so soon yet we still have so much to work through...especially with his display of power over the Facebook issue. I feel he listened to my concerns, but has completely ignored them and it isn't good. I went from being unheard and neglected in the past to heard, but ignored now. Still unhealthy either way. I don't want to have it my way, but I want us both to be comfortable and I want to know that both of us are doing the right thing for the relationship.

 

I too think I can be codependent and a distancer at times. I am more codependent ATM and he absolutely has the upper hand in this relationship. I am having a lot of trouble keeping some distance from him. Obviously it's easy when he is out of town, I stay at my house. When he is in town, we want to spend as much time together as we can. He wants me to spend the night. I can't say no easily. I need to work on this. Its important I do because things did come very easily for him and slowly but surely I am moving back in. I need to slow this down. I don't want to move this fast. We spoke about this in therapy. What is the worst thing that could happen if I said no, what is it that I fear? After some questioning by my therapist, I figured out that I just didn't want to hurt his feelings and I also feared that he would do what he did in the past in times of conflict...contact other women or do anything inappropriate on Facebook etc. firstly, his feelings are not my responsibility. If my intentions are good then I should not worry if he becomes sad, hurt, or mad. If he does things that are inappropriate, again not my responsibility and I shouldn't fear if he does. If he does, that is his problem. He will lose this relationship and I will get confirmation that I AM dealing with a bad person. These are all things my therapist suggest I tell myself as my issue with saying no when asked to spend the night are codependency issues.

 

I want to write about something that happened yesterday. When he got home, I met him at his house. I was making dinner. He was sitting on the couch and began to tell me that he contacted his children's grandmother (children's mom's mother). He said he reached out in hopes she would talk to her daughter about her making it difficult for him to speak to his children. He said a little while later the childrens mother called. They had a brief conversation about his concerns and the conclusion was that he needed to call his children. Then he went on to say he thought she was being controllled by her significant other. I responded saying I didn't think he should jump to that conclusion. I explained that I've been In those shoes and I know what it's like when there is conflict between the parents, people look to blame the significant other. No one knows what is really going on in that house. He became defensive and angry. He said..I just won't tell you anything anymore! At this point he becomes angry..I'm visibly upset (angry and sad). Basically he started shouting at me when I tried explain why I was upset with him. The commment that he wouldn't tell me anything anymore triggered a lot of emotions. I screamed over him to get my point across. I finally did and I also told him that he didn't know how to communicate. That he attacked me..that he got no where like that. What was his point for screaming at me anyway? He finally apologized and we moved on from the issue. Ended up enjoying the rest of the evening. He took me to the new clubhouse in his community. It overlooks a huge golf course (as far as your eyes could see). Nice evening, but I went to sleep with this incident on my mind and the Facebook issue. I said to him that we needed to work on things because neither one of us should allow this relationship to become dysfunctional as it was before.

 

My point of the story...although we worked through that minor issue last night, I realize he may be becoming complacent. All couples fight and have little arguments. I just think these are examples of a larger issue. I spend the night here too much. I am making things very convenient for him and then my feelings and emotions are going unvalidated or I have to fight to make a point. I was in tears standing up for myself yesterday. That's not good. I have to try my hardest to spend a little more time away from him. We are moving too fast. It has only been 4-5 weeks since we started seeing eachother again. I don't think I should communicate this to him unless I see he is uncomfortable or he becomes upset. He may not do any of the things I fear and may simply understand. Things need to slow down.

 

I really need encouragement to do so. I know and can feel the progress I've made. I'm self aware...just need some support and encouragement to continue making the right decisions.

 

Thank you again and it was nice to hear from you.

[browneyedgirl36]

Hi Ksol -- I've been reading/following, but I haven't been commenting because I wasn't sure exactly what to say until now; with these latest developments, though, I thought I'd chime in, if that's OK.

 

I think you're absolutely right that you're moving too fast, and I think that sparklyboots made some excellent points. One of the patterns I've noticed on this site over the decade (!) I've been here is that a significant number of reconciliations fail because 1) They happen too quickly; 2) The original problems that caused the split have not been resolved,or even dealt with at all; 3) One or both people are in the same place they were, emotionally, at the time of the split. I think all three of these are the case in your situation. Despite the fact that you say you've had times where you've both been very loving, and you've had some good times, it sounds as though you haven't really addressed -- at least not in any significant way -- the issues that split you up in the first place. Once of those issues was his e-mailing of other women and your resulting insecurity and anxiety over that. Yes, you've talked about it, and he's assured you it's in the past, BUT...this whole thing about Facebook is troublesome. I am normally someone to dismiss social media as being anything important, and I often find myself rolling my eyes when people talk about how much friction it causes in relationships (it's just a website, people!) BUT...in your case, there's a bigger issue: He wants you to trust him, says he's trustworthy, and yet he he's unwilling to be transparent. It's not like you're asking for his passwords and monitoring his e-mails, phone, etc. You simply want to be friends on Facebook so that you can interact with him there (and, I think, have some acknowledgment that you're a part of his life). I realize it's a cliche, but people who have nothing to hide generally don't feel the need to be so secretive. Certainly, everyone deserves privacy, and there are things -- our private journals with our private thoughts in them, etc. -- that should just be our "safe places" to get out our thoughts, but Facebook is a public site -- it's not like anything posted there can or should be considered a "secret." The fact that he claims to hear you, but is totally unwilling to compromise, even though he KNOWS it would make you feel better...that gives me pause.

 

I know you have made some great strides in dealing with your own issues, but...has he? It sounds like he was a poor communicator before, and he's a poor communicator now. The situation that you described, with him shouting at you, and you being reduced to tears trying to defend yourself -- sounds awful. And, if it's happening this soon into your reconciliation, this doesn't bode well for the future. It doesn't sound like he has worked on himself at all. And, really, he hasn't had to, and doesn't have to, because you're doing all the work. As sparklyboots said, he just gets you back without really having to do much of anything. No discernible change on his part. No real effort. Again, it sounds as if he SAYS things have changed, but...from an outsider's perspective, based on what you wrote, this is not the case.

 

I see some significant red flags here, the Facebook thing being only one of them. You've been seeing one another again for only 4-5 weeks, and you've already had several arguments, even ones including him shouting and you yelling over him to be heard. Is this what you want for yourself? Because, you know, it's going to continue to be this way -- and worse -- as time goes on unless some drastic change happens. Most often, BOTH people need to change, and while you've been working hard at it these past few months, it sounds like he's just going with the status quo. If nothing changes, well...nothing changes, and it's not going to work if only one person is working to make it better. That's too big of a burden for you to bear. It seems that, after these big arguments, everything goes back to "normal" for awhile, and you say "we worked through it," but...again, from an outsider's perspective, I don't see it as you working through it, but rather the argument ending and you pretty much having to swallow down your feelings in order to keep the peace until the next argument. It just seems like things just get swept under the rug, and I know you know that isn't healthy.

 

Again, I ask, is this what you want for yourself, for perhaps the rest of your life? I understand that people fight, but it just sounds as though, for a pretty short relationship (in the grand scheme of things -- weren't you together for only a year prior to the last breakup?) that there has been a significant amount of conflict, and in the reconciliation phase, there has been a lot of conflict already -- too much for 4-5 weeks, imp.

 

I'm not sure what advice to offer you, except that, if you want this to work, I would suggest relationship counseling. A relationship takes TWO people, and as I said before, it doesn't work if only one person is working to change. You can't change him -- you can only work on yourself -- and if he's not willing to do any significant work, I don't see how this relationship can work, especially with all these "elephants in the room" that aren't being addressed because you're too afraid of what will happen if you do (and you've seen what happens -- he gets really, really mad).

 

Please keep us posted. I hope I don't sound too negative, but this all seems very troubling from a third party's perspective, and I can't imagine what it is like being in the middle of it.

[Ksol9]

Beg, thank you for coming back to comment.

 

I'm growing concerned. Being "in" this, I'm afraid that I'm not seeing thing clearly. I often put myself in some sort of denial and then it's a slow decline thereafter. I want to prevent that. I don't know where to start or what to do from this point. If we are headed in the wrong direction, how do I take a turn...immediately. The only way I know how to do this is the take a step back. I will have to regroup and addres these things with my counselor. Much of our last visit was about the Facebook issue. This Facebook thing is so important to me that even as I was screaming at him to make my point, the Facebook issue was apart of that anger and pain. This is exactly what I was afraid of. Under this kind of pressure, knowing that we are headed in the wrong direction, I don't handle well. I become confused and my decision making gets cloudy. I'm really worried. I'm not afraid of addressing any of these things, it's just that I don't know how. I'm going to hold my composure until I talk this through with my counselor on Tuesday. There are 2 things that are bothering me about our relationship and that is the Facebook issue and his communication skills. I am working on mine, but if he isn't on his, then this isn't going to work. As for the Facebook issue, I still feel very strongly about it.

 

In general, I think during the reconciliation process, both parties have to maintain some sort of control and I think this is achieved by appropriate distance from eachother and plenty of communication. We are communicating but I can feel he is getting very comfortable. This is evidenced by the way he is treating conflict and the Facebook issue. As I'm typing, I'm remembering all the things that were discussed in therapy. It's not too late to back up if things aren't feeling ok and people only can do to you what you allow them to do. I can't control him and I can't make him do anything. Since I'm feeling uneasy, it's not too late to back things up until I feel safer. I keep saying this, but I hope that Ivan live up to all that I'm saying.

[UnchainedSoul]

Hey Ksol,

 

I just wanted to chime in for a quick bit to see how you are doing. Everyone has made some excellent suggestions and comments, I just wanted to add to that. I think the more you are becoming self-aware the more you're starting to realize that he hasn't done any work on his part. He's still defensive, explosive, and you're in your way living in fear. Fear that he will cheat, contact (email) other women, flirt on Facebook, etc. You are running there every night because if you leave him alone you're afraid of what he "might do" because he is lonely. You are both co-dependent in your own ways, respectively.

 

I know it's unfair to sit here and judge, because we are all outside opinions and only hearing your side of the story, I am sure your snooping and constant anxiety weighs heavy on him too, but unlike him, YOU are getting help for it. The ONLY option left, is the couples therapy. The longer you wait, the more things will explode, and then unfortunately another break-up. That's the direction you are headed if things stay the way they are. Not only is there an elephant in the room, there are several elephants and honestly it's getting kinda crowded in there, (I hope I got a little smile), but what I am saying is, things are starting to pile up.

 

You say you want to take a step back, but have you really done it? No because of that fear. You know it because you already talked about it on this thread here:

 

I too think I can be codependent and a distancer at times. I am more codependent ATM and he absolutely has the upper hand in this relationship. I am having a lot of trouble keeping some distance from him. Obviously it's easy when he is out of town, I stay at my house. When he is in town, we want to spend as much time together as we can. He wants me to spend the night. I can't say no easily. I need to work on this. Its important I do because things did come very easily for him and slowly but surely I am moving back in. I need to slow this down. I don't want to move this fast. We spoke about this in therapy. What is the worst thing that could happen if I said no, what is it that I fear? After some questioning by my therapist, I figured out that I just didn't want to hurt his feelings and I also feared that he would do what he did in the past in times of conflict...contact other women or do anything inappropriate on Facebook etc. firstly, his feelings are not my responsibility. If my intentions are good then I should not worry if he becomes sad, hurt, or mad. If he does things that are inappropriate, again not my responsibility and I shouldn't fear if he does. If he does, that is his problem. He will lose this relationship and I will get confirmation that I AM dealing with a bad person. These are all things my therapist suggest I tell myself as my issue with saying no when asked to spend the night are codependency issues.

 

That right there is proof enough that you KNOW what you are doing. He has communicated a little better since your reconciliation, but it's not enough. You have done far more work, and he needs to address some of your concern then just "listening" to you and "acknowledging" you. He listens, but it goes right out the other ear, and he DOES nothing to change his behavior. Stepping back is just going to frustrate and anger him, and you know this.

 

Push for the couples therapy and soon. IF you really want to save the relationship this is the only option. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you're going around in circles on this merry-go-round and one of you is going to get pushed off or you both are going to jump off and both get really hurt again.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[boltnrun]

I've been wanting to ask this, so here goes:

 

ksol, have you ever considered that, despite the love you two have for one another, maybe you just aren't right for each other?

 

I know this is something you don't want to even contemplate. But relationships aren't supposed to be struggles interspersed with some good times. They're supposed to be the place you can go to relax and feel comfortable and secure. They're not supposed to ADD to your stress and anxiety. And they're not supposed to be the primary source of your stress and anxiety.

 

I know that, even though I was hurt badly, my anxiety magically disappeared once my most recent ex and I broke up. It really was amazing that after the initial heartbroken feeling that lasted a few weeks, and despite the fact that I didn't want the breakup, I felt so much more like myself after it was over. The fear, the stress, the anxiety were all gone. Like, poof! It really made me stop and think.

 

Just something I wanted to throw out there.

[browneyedgirl36]

I've been wanting to ask this, so here goes:

 

ksol, have you ever considered that, despite the love you two have for one another, maybe you just aren't right for each other?

 

I know this is something you don't want to even contemplate. But relationships aren't supposed to be struggles interspersed with some good times. They're supposed to be the place you can go to relax and feel comfortable and secure. They're not supposed to ADD to your stress and anxiety. And they're not supposed to be the primary source of your stress and anxiety.

 

I know that, even though I was hurt badly, my anxiety magically disappeared once my most recent ex and I broke up. It really was amazing that after the initial heartbroken feeling that lasted a few weeks, and despite the fact that I didn't want the breakup, I felt so much more like myself after it was over. The fear, the stress, the anxiety were all gone. Like, poof! It really made me stop and think.

 

Just something I wanted to throw out there.

 

I've been thinking the same thing, bolt, and have been wanting to ask ksol the same question. I've seen, firsthand in my own life, the difference between a relationship that's right for me and one that ultimately wasn't, no matter how much I thought it was at the time. I was JUST thinking of my ex this morning. At one time, I loved him -- I really did -- and I couldn't conceive of him not being around, of us not even being in contact, and I compromised myself in too many ways to enumerate in order to hang onto that relationship. The relationship was absolutely fraught with issues, though, which led to tremendous anxiety for me -- an anxiety that still lingered, even after things were over, for quite some time. I realize, in hindsight, that I was NEVER secure, NEVER relaxed -- it was constant, low-grade anxiety ALL the time, and at times, it wasn't low-grade at all -- it was horrible. (The low-grade times were the times that I convinced myself everything was fine -- and it wasn't; it was just less stressful and awful than the other times!) When he was finally out of the picture for good, it took awhile, but months of no contact, plus working on myself, enjoying my life, made all that anxiety and stress disappear. Now, I look back and think of how I feel now, as compared to then, and I am stunned at the difference. I have never felt that way since, and I am grateful for that. Sure, I have stress -- most people do -- but I have never, ever felt as stressed, or as sad, lonely, and overwhelmed, as I felt when I was involved with my ex (even during the "good" times.)

 

in my current relationship, I feel NO anxiety whatsoever -- at least not about my relationship or my fiancee. Any stress or anxiety I feel at times is about other things -- my job, medical issues, etc. -- and my relationship provides a welcome respite from these things. Certainly, most couples hit rough times. Most couples argue from time to time, but ultimately, a relationship should reinforce a sense of stability, support, reassurance and comfort -- a feeling of security. It shouldn't be about NOT saying what we need to say out of fear of hurting our losing the other person, or about "distancing" ourselves to avoid conflict, or about sweeping things under the rug because we're afraid to ask for too much from the other person.

 

Ksol, I'm not saying to break up with him, but...I have to admit I'm concerned for you in this situation -- concerned that you're trying to hold onto him and this relationship at a high cost to your own well-being and happiness. At the very least, I think couples counseling would help, but if he's not willing to do that (I don't know whether he is or whether you've ever even suggested it), but if you do suggest it, and he's unwilling, I just don't see how you can work through this. Again, BOTh have to be doing the work -- not just one. It won't work if it's not a joint effort.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol, just wanted to check in and see how you're doing. How did your weekend go? I hope things are going well!

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol, just wanted to check in and see how you're doing. How did your weekend go? I hope things are going well!

 

Hi lostlove, I'm doing ok. Thank you for checking in. I've been sort of quiet around here lately. Just needed to think. I've been reading along and take what everyone has said very seriously, but decided I needed to change my perspective.

 

My relationship is a team effort. I shouldn't treat him as an opponent or enemy. If I do, that's what he will become. We are growing a deeper friendship daily. Why is it that I can't go to him to express my feelings? I decided I didn't need to distance myself or shy away from discussing anything with him. We are both working together and things may be rough for a while, but they will get better. He will learn through me if he is not in therapy. This is what my therapist said. I do think he will eventually go to coupes therapy with me. I'm not going to rug sweep, not going to hide feelings, just going to be honest with him. I told him what has been bothering me and I told him I feel that I don't understand why he is being secretive about the Facebook. We also spoke about his poor communication. He is aware and is trying. This isn't going to happen over night.

 

I think it's very important on what thoughts I focus on and give life to. The more I focus on negativity, that is what my life will become. This is something I've been working on for a long time.

 

Him and I are still enjoying eachother's company. We laugh constantly. I truly believe as time passes and as we grow a deeper friendship, trust will regrow. The relationship will change and evolve with time. He knows how I feel and he is reacting to it. He's being very open with me at the moment...especially with his phone. I think he is being very mindful of my worries. He still isn't considering re-adding me, but there is nothing I can do about that right now. Maybe that will be worked out later on. This is a day by day process. We need to continue to make progress. Just like any relationship, there will be highs and lows. Nothing is ever constant. I'm still making it a goal to spend a little more time apart. It will be healthy for us. Overall, I'm ok. My anxiety is very low..maybe even nonexistent. Just doing what feels right.

 

How have you been? I hope things are going well and that you've been feeling ok. Have a wonderful day and we will chat again soon. Xoxo

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. That's understandable. It used to really bother me on my own thread to read certain opinions that went against what my heart was telling me (or in my case, what I wanted to believe), occassionally to the point that I would hold my breath and have anxiety before reading for fear that what was being said would make me feel worse. No offense to anyone, as everyone was very helpful, but hopefully everyone knows what I mean. Just do what you feel is best, and go with your heart. We'll still all be here.

 

I'm still doing about the same with the anxiety and such. I'm worrying a lot about health issues, always worried that something is horribly wrong that I'm unaware of. I always feel tired and run down. But I've always had a touch of hypochondria, and hoping the Zoloft will help with that, and my energy levels, once it sets in. One good thing to report, though, is that I feel like I'm finally feeling a little less affected by him. Finally doing a little less dwelling on his new relationship. Not because it doesn't hurt, but because there's simply nothing I can do about it. I haven't looked at their pages recently, and don't intend to. I'm still very angry with him, but it's time to start phasing him out of my mind and eventually enjoy life again. It's been almost a year.

 

Hoping you're doing well. Sending hugs your way

[Ksol9]

Hey lostlove, thank you for understanding. What you described is exactly what I began to feel and I do hope everyone understands as much as you do. It's like Im laying out all that everyone has said, what my therapist has said. Im considering it all and then doing what my heart says is right. Most importantly, I'm being patient and honest with myself and with him. I'm just using my better judgement. If any of that makes sense.

 

I still have doubts and I'm sure I will continue to have them. That is how my mind is wired and has been for some time. To break that habit is going to take work and time. He had to go out of town for work. I went with him. We had so much fun. He got a hotel on the beach. We walked on the beach like new and free lovers. Like nothing in the world matters. We had dinner with his coworkers. I laughed until I cried the entire time. The humor on one of the guys was priceless. There was a moment I stopped to think to myself...all that we said we would do when the time came for him to travel...we're doing it. He's taking me when he can and when I am able to leave work. It feels like I'm just absorbing and adjusting to it all little by little. I'm really doing this and I'm ok, I said to myself. I'm just ok. That's all. He has to stay another night. He asked me to stay, but I decided to head back home. I did a little shopping and I got my hair done at the salon. Stopped to grab a bite to eat and then I'll get back on the road. All these sacrifices that we are both making, him for his employer and me being patient through the traveling, I have to believe it will pay off.

 

I haven't revisited the Facebook discussion. It's still bothering me a little, but what can I do when in every other aspect he is doing what he can for our relationship to improve. I'm sure there are days that it will bother me more than others, but for right now my goal is to just walk slowly and carefully at my pace. We want to spend any moment we can together, but it's not healthy and if I want something long term, we will make slow moves and sort things out as we go. He's not perfect, he's rough...very rough. But so am I. I can't spend my life worrying if he will cheat. The next guy will give me the same worries. I can't spend my life worrying about what could go wrong. I can't let life pass me by like this. I just want to live a good life and I want to spend my life with him. All this tugging and pulling with myself...I have to change my ways. I'm not giving life to these bad thoughts anymore.

 

I'm glad to hear you are feeling less and less affected by him. It's bittersweet isn't it? Letting go of something your heart loved so much. I'm sure the feelings are still there, but the strength is in being able to do what is best for you. Giving yourself a chance to enjoy life again is the best thing you can do for yourself. I like that you've been patient with yourself lostlove. You never rushed this process. This is something I lack..working so hard on being patient. I am proud of you. The progress you've made. You've really come a long way since your relationship ended. I hope things continue to get better for you. I hope the anxiety lessens and that you are in peace. Something grand is going to come out of all of this for you!

[Ms Darcy]

Ksol,

 

I think your attitude right now is a good one. I think my larger point about the Facebook issue was that if you want a relationship with this particular guy, recognize that he has that boundary and you either accept it or walk. So, I think it's wise, if you stay, to accept. Otherwise, you would be miserable.

 

It's far better to be happy than right.

[Ksol9]

Thank you Ms. Darcy. I agree with you.

[figureitout23]

Ksol and lostlove, I get it.

 

When asking for advice its going to be a double edged sword. 9 times out of 10 if a person is on a site like this one asking for advise things aren't going well, something is wrong. I'd say maybe 40% of the time (possibly less, lets be honest) the person honestly wants advise, they ask for it, they get it, they absorb it and they make a decision. There's forward movement. But the other 60% (most likely more) just simply want to vent, they want an outlet, they don't actually want advise, they want to be heard because in their current situation... they aren't heard. I believe this because I did it, I got advise, I listened, I followed some of it (very very little), but mostly I kept on the same road I was going on and the problems were still there. Want to know why? Because I wasn't actually ready to change anything, at the end of the day I wanted the relationship, toxic or not, so even though things were unbalanced, even though there were issues, in MY MIND the good outweighed the bad and until I was ready, until I believed the bad outweighed the good, the advise I received was, well for a lack of better words, useless. I truly believe that if a person is in a toxic situation, if they arent whole themselves, until they are ready to walk away, its going to be hard as hell. In my opinion, ripping off the band-aid, can do more harm than good. Ksol, I tried to remain as polite as i could because I knew you would resist what was being said, because youre not ready and you know what? That's ok! I'll be blunt, I think you two have a 50/50 chance of making it, I dont think youre heard, I think you brush your concerns aside because in your eyes, its better to have him than not. You came here because he left because you had concerns about starting a family, this downward spiral began because you were frustrated about an issue that was never solved. Your concerns were never discussed or solved, you just convinced yourself it was more important to be with him. Again I say, as of right now, thats ok, this is what makes you happy right now, so go for it. Just realize, if you ask for advise, you're gonna get it

 

Lostlove - I am actually still reading your journal, I think I'm up to August of last year and I must say it has been an extremely frustrating read, not because of you, but because you were given advise you weren't ready to hear. You were expected to act as an emotionally healthy and whole person when you weren't. What drove me the craziest is that older woman who kept telling you to walk away while she herself recognized she wasn't ready to walk away and stayed in her own muck. BLEW MY MIND! Lol. I really feel had you walked away from your ex at your own pace, it would have been easier and it wouldn't have taken you a year to recover. Did you need to walk away? Yeah, you did, YOU REALLY DID, but the way it was almost forced on you is rough to read.

 

My ex husband and I separated twice. The first time, I didn't move forward. I did nothing but obsess over him until he came back. The second time, I wont lie, I was in a deep depression for about a month, but at the same time I knew it was time and you know what? I swear to you, I looked outside, it was a bright sunny day and just like that, I was happy... I was ready and I haven't looked back

 

I really do wish you both luck and on that note I'm going to tap out

[lostlove76]

Hi everyone. Ksol, thank you for your kind words, the well wishes, and for being proud of me. That means a lot. The whole experience with him, and the whole past year since him, has taught me a patience that I never previously had. I was always like you, needing to know what the future holds, needing answers, needing to speed things along. I only learned because I had to. As with anything, practice brings improvement. The more you practice patience, the more comfortable with it you will eventually become. You can get there, too, when you work at it... but no need to work on everything at once, or you'll get too overwhelmed. One thing at a time. You've made great strides in communicating more calmly and effectively, and in resisting the urge to stonewall. I'm a big stonewaller myself, so I know the temptation. So I just wanted to say that I'm proud of you too!

 

On the Facebook issue, I know it still hurts and bothers you, but he really is doing a lot to show that he clearly wants this relationship with you. He involves himself with your family, he keeps in constant contact with you, he wants to be with you as much as possible, he took you with him out of town and around his coworkers. None of that suggests he's trying to hide the relationship. I really do know how you feel, but Ms Darcy gave good advice; you will probably be happier if you can somehow just accept it. You don't have to agree with it, but you can try to put it aside for now and focus on all the positive things. I like what she said about being happy vs being right.

 

Figureitout, I enjoyed your post, and your wise insight. All you said is very true. Just to add to it, along the same line of thought... It's easy for outsiders to see things one way, but for the person in the situation, there is often a huge battle between mind and heart. People who aren't in it don't have that attachment, so there is no struggle for clarity. All they see is the toxicity, because that is the main focus of these threads. Oftentimes, the person involved just really wants to make the relationship work, because they love this person. But then they have most of the commenters urging for a break, or a breakup, or complete NC, whatever the case may be... and the OP doesn't want that, and/or isn't ready for it. You said it all better than I am, but just wanted to add my thoughts. I was thinking earlier today how a good 90% of the time among these threads, the OP is urged to break up, block, and go NC. Most of the time, that's probably what really needs to happen, and I do find myself joining in and advising the same. But every case is different, and some of these relationships could maybe be saved. Mine couldn't - it did need to end. But I've never in my life had a harder time detaching from someone. I know who you mean, the poster who you mentioned, lol. I hope she's doing well. Everyone here does mean well, and most have a lot of wisdom to share. But it's much easier to solve everyone else's problems than it is our own, hahaa.

 

Anyways, ksol, I can't speak for anyone else but would guess that most will understand if you need to withdraw and follow your own path for a bit. You're such a sweet person, and everyone here only wants the best for you. I think I remember taking a few breaks from my thread and then coming back when I'd had a breather.

 

I think the relationship anxiety is something you (and myself) may always struggle with, but over a period of time, you can hopefully find some healthy coping skills. You may try a few things that don't help much, until you eventually stumble upon something that provides relief. It's difficult when you're having to rely on someone else to do their part as well, but since we can't control anyone else, I guess we just have to find a way of thinking that keeps us as happy and content as possible.

 

And with that, I'll say goodnight I hope you'll continue to pop in, even if just to say hello!

[SparklyBoots]

Hi Lostlove...just wanted to say I have started to read your journal and it sounds so much like me and my last big ex.....he caused me so much anxiety and I caused him grief as a result....and he was full of the sweet words but not the actions to follow up ...he also depended a lot on alcohol and also smoked a lot of pot...he was so non-commital to anyone long term....it is really hard to get over an experience like that as it is hard to come to terms with the words versus the actions...I think I am beginning to understand your position much more now...you are obviously such a sweet person and worth so much more than how he treated you...but an experience like that can leave anyone mucked up for a long time..you are also so insightful into other folk's situations.....I wish you could see your own value. The only way I got past that was to block him from everything completely which was so hard as I had known him for 8 years and we had a lot of mutual friends which i had to drop too...we were so off and on...and even when we were really on he wouldn't say we were in a relationship....I still have vestigial feelings for him as he was a great guy on so many levels, but just not cut out for long term relationships due to his own insecurities and alcohol dependence....no reflection on me or my worth..but it took a long time for me to see that and as I say i still acknowledge I have feelings but I know that they are pointless...and am moving on ..slowly. You will get through this at your own pace...if you find someone secure in themselves you will have so much a better experience if you suffer from anxiety, or get to just enjoy life without any ties....

[lostlove76]

Hi Lostlove...just wanted to say I have started to read your journal and it sounds so much like me and my last big ex.....he caused me so much anxiety and I caused him grief as a result....and he was full of the sweet words but not the actions to follow up ...he also depended a lot on alcohol and also smoked a lot of pot...he was so non-commital to anyone long term....it is really hard to get over an experience like that as it is hard to come to terms with the words versus the actions...I think I am beginning to understand your position much more now...you are obviously such a sweet person and worth so much more than how he treated you...but an experience like that can leave anyone mucked up for a long time..you are also so insightful into other folk's situations.....I wish you could see your own value. The only way I got past that was to block him from everything completely which was so hard as I had known him for 8 years and we had a lot of mutual friends which i had to drop too...we were so off and on...and even when we were really on he wouldn't say we were in a relationship....I still have vestigial feelings for him as he was a great guy on so many levels, but just not cut out for long term relationships due to his own insecurities and alcohol dependence....no reflection on me or my worth..but it took a long time for me to see that and as I say i still acknowledge I have feelings but I know that they are pointless...and am moving on ..slowly. You will get through this at your own pace...if you find someone secure in themselves you will have so much a better experience if you suffer from anxiety, or get to just enjoy life without any ties....

 

Hi Sparkly. Thank you so much for this; it means a lot that you understand. I'm sorry that you went through the same thing. After my experience with him, I would rather have just about any relationship problem under the sun than the non-commitalness. It really does make you question what is wrong with yourself that someone says they love you so much, yet won't go all the way. How long did it take you to enjoy life again? I've quit checking up on him, other than seeing when he's online. It was so horribly painful to see him involved with all these different girls since we quit talking. He moved on so

immediately and so easily, like I meant nothing at all. It still hurts, but I'm starting to feel a tiny bit better. Thank you so much for all your kind words!

[Ksol9]

Hi there. I'm still here reading along. So glad to read that you're feeling a tiny bit better. Sparklyboots seems to understand exactly what you are going through. It was interesting to read that the feelings are still there despite the determination to move on. You've made so much progress. Never give up on yourself. I hope you've been doing ok lately. I haven't really been around to chat, but I think of you often.

 

Things are going ok with me. Family, work, therapy, and the relationship are going well. Anxiety is still very low. Him and I continue to make strides in the right direction. I realize we aren't perfect, but we are both trying. I went out of town with him again for work and this time he took me around with him all day on the job. He was moving around running errands and visiting different job sites. We are just bonding in ways I never expected. Of course I still have strange thoughts, doubts, and concerns, but it's really a day to day process. Working on myself is a day to day process as well. I understand we will have good days, bad days, and ok days. Every coupke fights. Everyone has difficulties and obstacles. We are hanging in there.

 

 

There is so much more I'd like to write about, but will write when I have a little more time and when my thoughts are a bit more organized. Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

[Ksol9]

Happy Saturday everyone! The weather is beautiful..sunny and cool. I decided to go to the gym and instead I ended up sitting poolside with a margarita. Gym and outdoor pool/bar are next to eachother. I got side tracked.

 

I was thinking earlier how therapy has changed my life. It has changed my relationship tremendously. The entire dynamic of my relationship has changed. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the changes...children being gone and traveling as well, but my whole life has really taken on a different tune. It's quite nice because the possibilities are endless. Life really and truly is what you make it. I have so much opportunity to do something really good with my life right now. I've been thinking about new career avenues lately. Therapy has taught me to slow down, to think carefully, and to act wisely....to take care of myself first and foremost.

 

I have been trying to be very mindful of my codependency. It's so easy to get distracted. It's so easy to lose myself. Exercise and time for myself is so important. That is another reason I've been thinking about another career or area of study. There's still so much I want to accomplish in my life. I would love to have children and start a family, but now is not the time for that. I can absolutely see myself starting a family with him, but that is not on the table until we can get our relationship on track. This isn't something I want to even entertain until I feel better about the longevity of our relationship. I'm very aware of fast things can crumble if I allow it. We are in a good place right now. I want to us build new habits..good habits. That way we never revisit our old ways. There won't be another time where we are in nc for 3 months. That was just craziness. I guess it was necessary in the grand scheme of things. Everything happens for a reason.

 

We plan to play some pool this afternoon and then later tonight we might go somewhere to watch a boxing fight. Yes, I have a few things on my mind that could be bothering me much more, but I refuse to give it life. There is one thing that happened recently that I wanted to share. I will be back later. Hope you all are doing well. Enjoy the weekend!

[Ksol9]

Wanted to write about something that happened a few days ago. I guess to just get it out. I haven't discussed it with anyone other than my therapist.

 

During the week, he was out of town for 3 days. I was with him for the first and the 3rd. The first night I was there someone called him with a restricted number really late at night. He asked me to answer. I answered it, heard tv or some sort of nose in the background, then the person hung up. I was a little taken back. I immediately thought it was another woman. I let him know what I was thinking and that it made me feel strange. He has never gotten any strange calls..ever. The next night I was home. He was still out of town. He told me in the morning he got....58 missed restricted calls! I was upset. It bothered me the entire day. I know he can't control who was calling and I shouldn't assume. My defenses went up. I was skeptical of him. I thought he was being dishonest about something.

 

The same day I went to see my therapist. He reiterated that I shouldn't assume. Stick to facts. He informed me of an app that is used to unmask private callers. He said that I should suggest he put this on his phone if the calls continue because it would in turn create a problem between us. I went with him out of town for work again the next day. The calls started again. I asked him to install the app so that we could find out who was calling. I was upset. He agreed we needed to find out. After we installed it, the calls started again a little while later. The app revealed the number. It happened to be the girlfriend of one of his co workers. His co worker had been fighting with his girlfriend for a few days. They were barely speaking. Somehow she felt it was ok to call my bf's phone private. I guess I hopes she could hear what they were doing or if they were out.. That was creating a big problem as the days passed. I was doubting everything he was saying to me about it. He kept saying he had no clue who it was and I kept persisting that he had to have an idea. Anyhow, the calls have stopped and we're ok. That little experience taught me not to jump to conclusions or assumptions. I could have become very defensive about it and treated him badly because of it. Again therapy helped me through it. I see how my reactions or overreactions could potentially make a huge problem. This issue was a perfect example. What was going to happen if I acted out irrationally before figuring it out? This showed me it is better to act as a team..to let him know how it made me feel, but to work together to find a solution.. It's just so hard to chose this route...I guess that's what I'm trying to explain. It's very easy for me to behave in the manner I've always resorted to. I hope in time I will make it a habit to control my emotions.

 

Also, there are times I think about the breakups we've been through. It was so easy for him to walk away. Lostlove mentioned this about her situation. How much it hurt for him to walk away and move on. I think about this often. He walked away from me so easily before and for no good reason. Because he didn't want to communicate? Was our relationship that unimportant? And it didn't take long for him to look elsewhere. Like I meant nothing. Like the relationship meant nothing. The second breakup was the only breakup that i feel was necessary. I found those emails and even if we spoke about it, what was I supposed to do. I needed to walk away. The most recent breakup was not called for. What was his reason? Because he couldn't take the stress? Who is to say he won't do those things to me again? What is going to happen when he can't take everyday stresses? What happens if Down the road I move in and then let him show me the door again when things get too rough? I know it's in the past now. They happened and we have to learn from them, but it hurts to know he has done those things and I worry he could do them again. There was tension between him and his daughter and he was ready to send her away for pete's sake. This is how he operates. No matter how strong we rebuild our relationship, who is to say this is going to change about him? It's not a good feeling to be with someone who you feel could easily throw you away. Makes me afraid to make any steps toward him sometimes.

 

Well these are just some thoughts that cross my mind at times. I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend.

[figureitout23]

Wanted to write about something that happened a few days ago. I guess to just get it out. I haven't discussed it with anyone other than my therapist.

 

During the week, he was out of town for 3 days. I was with him for the first and the 3rd. The first night I was there someone called him with a restricted number really late at night. He asked me to answer. I answered it, heard tv or some sort of nose in the background, then the person hung up. I was a little taken back. I immediately thought it was another woman. I let him know what I was thinking and that it made me feel strange. He has never gotten any strange calls..ever. The next night I was home. He was still out of town. He told me in the morning he got....58 missed restricted calls! I was upset. It bothered me the entire day. I know he can't control who was calling and I shouldn't assume. My defenses went up. I was skeptical of him. I thought he was being dishonest about something.

 

The same day I went to see my therapist. He reiterated that I shouldn't assume. Stick to facts. He informed me of an app that is used to unmask private callers. He said that I should suggest he put this on his phone if the calls continue because it would in turn create a problem between us. I went with him out of town for work again the next day. The calls started again. I asked him to install the app so that we could find out who was calling. I was upset. He agreed we needed to find out. After we installed it, the calls started again a little while later. The app revealed the number. It happened to be the girlfriend of one of his co workers. His co worker had been fighting with his girlfriend for a few days. They were barely speaking. Somehow she felt it was ok to call my bf's phone private. I guess I hopes she could hear what they were doing or if they were out.. That was creating a big problem as the days passed. I was doubting everything he was saying to me about it. He kept saying he had no clue who it was and I kept persisting that he had to have an idea. Anyhow, the calls have stopped and we're ok. That little experience taught me not to jump to conclusions or assumptions. I could have become very defensive about it and treated him badly because of it. Again therapy helped me through it. I see how my reactions or overreactions could potentially make a huge problem. This issue was a perfect example. What was going to happen if I acted out irrationally before figuring it out? This showed me it is better to act as a team..to let him know how it made me feel, but to work together to find a solution.. It's just so hard to chose this route...I guess that's what I'm trying to explain. It's very easy for me to behave in the manner I've always resorted to. I hope in time I will make it a habit to control my emotions.

 

Also, there are times I think about the breakups we've been through. It was so easy for him to walk away. Lostlove mentioned this about her situation. How much it hurt for him to walk away and move on. I think about this often. He walked away from me so easily before and for no good reason. Because he didn't want to communicate? Was our relationship that unimportant? And it didn't take long for him to look elsewhere. Like I meant nothing. Like the relationship meant nothing. The second breakup was the only breakup that i feel was necessary. I found those emails and even if we spoke about it, what was I supposed to do. I needed to walk away. The most recent breakup was not called for. What was his reason? Because he couldn't take the stress? Who is to say he won't do those things to me again? What is going to happen when he can't take everyday stresses? What happens if Down the road I move in and then let him show me the door again when things get too rough? I know it's in the past now. They happened and we have to learn from them, but it hurts to know he has done those things and I worry he could do them again. There was tension between him and his daughter and he was ready to send her away for pete's sake. This is how he operates. No matter how strong we rebuild our relationship, who is to say this is going to change about him? It's not a good feeling to be with someone who you feel could easily throw you away. Makes me afraid to make any steps toward him sometimes.

 

Well these are just some thoughts that cross my mind at times. I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend.

 

 

Quick question. Do you want the readers to calm your nerves? To soothe you? To work through your relationship problems with you? You know the ones you really should be working through with your partner? I'm only asking because it seems one second you're pounding into the readers head about how much progress you have made as a couple and how everything's rainbows and lollypops and passive aggressively telling responders to back off and the next you're pointing out how all these past trust issues are alive, well and thriving. I'm afraid to give an opinion because you're everywhere right now. Are you on the road to a better relationship? Are you looking for honest advice or do you want to be soothed? I can do both but can you let me know which direction you're trying to go because I'm confused.

[boltnrun]

What is the status of couples therapy? Have the two of you chosen a therapist and booked an appointment?

[Ksol9]

Hi bolt, I'm sorry if I made things confusing. I in no way tried to portray things as rainbows. It's certainly not. I've always come here for straightforward honest advice and I wouldn't be writing if I wanted my readers to back off. Yes, my relationship is getting better and yes there are still trust issues. They don't go away that easily of course and I don't expect them to. These are just my daily thoughts and events. My point was that while things are going well with him and I, I still have these thoughts and concerns that linger in my mind at times. I am a worrier and as you all know I've been working very hard to change my attitude...to not allow negativity to take over my life. I don't have over the top anxiety anymore. It has subsided a lot recently. In fact my anxiety has been very minimal lately. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just looking for something to worry about. I literally share my truest thoughts and feelings here.

 

As for couples therapy, I spoke about this with my therapist on Thursday.. We were not sure if we would enter into couples therapy with my current therapist or not. That would mean I would be ending individual therapy. I decided it was best for us to choose another therapist for couples counseling and I would continue my individual therapy with my current therapist. He's been traveling a bit for work so maybe this week he won't be out of town for so many days. I'll be researching a therapist this week.

[boltnrun]

Hey ksol, just wanted to clarify that I didn't write the post regarding being confused about what you wanted. That was figureitout23. My question was about couples therapy.

 

Not a big deal, just wanted to clarify.

 

And I'm glad you and your partner have agreed to seek couples therapy. It proves he's willing to put in as much work as you have been.

[figureitout23]

Hey ksol, just wanted to clarify that I didn't write the post regarding being confused about what you wanted. That was figureitout23. My question was about couples therapy.

 

Not a big deal, just wanted to clarify.

 

And I'm glad you and your partner have agreed to seek couples therapy. It proves he's willing to put in as much work as you have been.

 

Shes passive aggressively responding to me Bolt. Shes been doing it for a few days now, not sure why.

[Ksol9]

Shes passive aggressively responding to me Bolt. Shes been doing it for a few days now, not sure why.

 

Oh boy. When I read the post I thought it was bolt who wrote those two posts. Did not realize you wrote the first one and bolt was only asking about the therapy. And no I was not doing anything passive aggressively. That's not what I'm here for.