Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[boltnrun]

Ksol, in your relationship with him has there EVER been a time when you weren't stressed, anxious or worried about SOMETHING?

 

It seems from reading that you've never had a time when you were completely relaxed, secure and confident with him.

 

I've said it before multiple times, fear and anxiety have NO place in a love relationship. No matter how much you "love" someone, if there is fear, anxiety or stress, something is very wrong.

 

And I have to say I agree with a lot of what figureitout wrote.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol, thanks for asking about me. I'm doing about the same, honestly. Pretty much exactly the same! One problem I'm experiencing is not being able to get enough sleep (which I've mentioned before, I know), and a lot of it is because my thoughts won't turn off. I'll wake up in the morning needing to use the bathroom or whatever, and then I can't fall back asleep even though I haven't gotten enough. The thoughts are always unpleasant, too - about him and her mostly (probably 80% of it), but also just random things like something stupid I said 20 years ago. Just one unpleasant thought after another after another. And I can't turn it off. I don't know when it will ever quit bothering me about him moving on like he did. It hasn't let up. Anyways, I'll go up to the next dosage of the Zoloft tonight; I should have already gone up, but stuck with the lowest dose for a while longer. So we'll see if that helps.

 

So I didn't realize that he blocked you. When did he block you? That's really just uncalled for. I was focusing on the bigger picture last night in my writing, because I think it's important to see clearly what is going on here. But just to address the Facebook issue... Is it possible that he blocked you because he felt you blocked him when you were deactivated in the past? Is it some sort of passive-aggressive payback for that? It sounds silly, and I wouldn't think he'd still be hanging on to it after all this time, but maybe that's part of it? I just can't think of any reasonable reason he would block you, unless there are things he doesn't want you to see. I'm not suggesting that he'll cheat. But just like with the "kush" comment. Perhaps he wants to be free to mildly flirt and attention-seek. Or maybe he's afraid someone who he stupidly talked to during the breakups will pop up and make a comment somewhere. I really don't know, but it's a thought. I try my best to see things from his side in order to gain clarity, but all of this would bother me too, of course. Facebook was a HUGE source of anxiety for the two years I was on and off with mine. Huge.

 

As for "slowing down"... I guess I've never really understood what that meant, not just here but in general. Once you have an attachment to someone, you can't force your feelings to lessen. And even more so, once you've been in a relationship with someone, once you know them intimately (talking about emotionally), it just feels natural to jump back in to where you left off. So I'm not sure how things could be slowed down, other than not spending as much time together like you suggested. Do you think this will help, though? You'll still be thinking/worrying about it all when you're not with him. I'm not saying it's a bad idea, just truly wondering what it will accomplish.

 

I know that with the way your mind works (and I'm the same), this would be nearly impossible, but I wonder if you would be better off if you didn't put so much energy into making the relationship work, and also into working on yourself. I remember times in the past when I was trying to work on myself, trying to "fix" myself and figure myself out, and I just got so deeply down in it that it was all that existed. When I let up on myself about it, I was happier - I wasn't quite as self-critical, wasn't as self-focused, wasn't as mentally exhausted. There are certainly things you need to work on and improve, but it's become a full-time job between that and making the relationship work. And the relationship is the reason you're working on yourself, so everything in your life is focused 100% on him and the relationship. Of course I can see this from the outside, but I have always done the exact same thing and couldn't seem to change it - nor did I really even want to change it, because the relationship was all I cared about. So I don't know if you could change it either, but I think you would be happier if you could. More free, less weighed down.

 

I also wanted to comment on what Ms Darcy said about men having a limit when it comes to this stuff. My dad has always told me, a million times, that guys don't like to talk about problems or the relationship all the time. He would tell me that because I was doing the same as you, always upset about something. It's weird how it's usually the woman in the relationship who wants to talk about things; men just want to be happy. We're so very different.

 

How are you feeling this evening? How did the rest of the day go?

[Ksol9]

Figureitout23 welcome and thank you for writing. First, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you were in an abusive relationship. I think because of your experience, you are able to recognize some things that are going on here.

 

This is exactly what I felt earlier about him blocking me. That was to intentionally hurt me.. Maybe he believes and knows I would always take him back. We've both done wrong. This Facebook issue just rubs me the wrong way. I think this could very well be a power play here. He is holding this over me. There were a matter of months where I had my Facebook deactivated. We were still friends but the page was down. He thought I blocked him. He still brings that up to this day. He's obviously still very upset about it. He brought it up yesterday when we spoke about his reasons. Anytime I really think about it, i get upset.

 

We both need to change. My therapist has always said this. We both have a lot of work to do on ourselves. I don't really know how to resolve this Facebook issue and I doubt my therapist will be able to help either. Especially when he is not willing to compromise.it is going to make my unhappy regardless. It will be a thorn from here on out.

 

We have been living in a very unhealthy cycle. This break up and then getting back together was unnecessary. The only time I feel is splitting up was warranted was when I found those emails. I had no choice but to leave him that time. This recent Facebook thing really hurt me. I spent a lot of time crying over it. He very wells knows the issues we have had with Facebook have had a lot to do with his behavior and his mistakes. Facebook is not the problem and hiding it from me is not the solution. The solution is changed behavior. I really think part of this is punishment for having him blocked those months and the other part is embarrassment for posting a relationship that ended and started over again so many times. What about the embarrassment I had to face at my sisters baby shower? My entire family? I had to explain it to everyone all at once. What about now? I do not hide him from family. I could careless how embarrassing it is. We are sorting things out and that is our business. I don't buy any of his excuses to be honest. I go back and forth in my mind about it, but at the end of the day I still believe he is wrong for it and I am wrong for allowing things to fall back into the same routine. Especially with me staying here daily.

 

Thank you again for writing and reading my story. I appreciate your support and I hope you'll stay to write again.

[Ksol9]

Hey lostlove, today was interesting. We went to visit a friend of his before church. We got lost and ended up missing church. We went home and hung out for a while. I made an early dinner and he packed everything up in containers to take on a little adventure. He found the smallest long sleeved shirt he could find in his closet, handed it to me and said...put this one. He said..wear long pants and socks. Mind you it's about 90 degrees in Florida. I got dressed and we headed out to the truck. I saw fishing poles in the back so I knew we would be going fishing. He handed me the keys and he directed the way. I don't know how he knew about these trails, but I drove his 4x4 through some trails the were made of bricks. It was in the middle of the wilderness. There was water on both side. Hope I'm describing ok. It was beautiful and so much fun the drive through. I felt like I was on a safari. So much Florida wildlife. It was such a different experience. He handed me a fishing pole and showed me how to fish. I went over to the lake or canal or whatever it was, in the middle of what felt like nowhere, and fished with my fishing pole for the first time since I was a child. He sat on his truck bed and watched me. Anytime I looked over, he was either laughing at me or just observing. He was probably suprised that being the girly girl that I am, I was standing out in the middle of the wilderness with a fishing pole in my hand determined to catch something. It was definitely a different experience for me and I really appreciated it. It's something he really enjoys to do. It was serene and a good distraction from everything I had on my mind. I didn't end up catching any fish. I did catch a huge blue crab. So cool!

 

I still don't know what to do about this Facebook thing. It's really bothering me. It still upsets me when I think about it. I mean the world isn't ending and it's just Facebook, but it still hurts my feelings and it has me wondering what his intentions are. If it is too soon, and I do think it is still very soon after getting back together, then I could understand the need to wait. But because he said it was a problem in the past, I am not ok with this at all. I tried to be ok with it but I can't make myself. He did things to make me feel uneasy. His conduct on Facebook has not been the best. He has been very disrespectful in my opinion. One example would be the woman who asked him out to drinks and he replied with some excuse why he couldn't make it Rather than respect our relationship and explain he is unable because he is in a relationship. I forgive Thise things but that doesn't mean they never happened. He shouldn't be hiding this from me because of the message it sends. He doesn't seem to care. As a result, I just think it's best I take a step back. It is whats best regardless of this obstacle or not. He's hiding our relationship.

 

You said the exact thing my mom said. When I had my Facebook deactivate, he believed I blocked him. He has now done the same to me. Can we say he is holding the past against me? Absolutely. I do think it's some sort of passive aggressive payback and a form of control or upper hand to my behavior. It sounds silly, but I know him well and it was a big part of his explanation. Alongside, the Embarrassment. Still, if I saw something hurt him so badly, do you think I'd continue to do? Do you think after all he has put me through regarding other women and Facebook, am I wrong to ask for him to re-add me? I don't think it unreasonable since we just got back together. I could understand if we again started having the same problems with Facebook from both sides, my insecure outbursts and his misconduct, then I could understand why it shouldn't be on the table. I just don't agree with it and the only thing I thought was reasonable was that he might want to wait until things got to a better place..maybe in some more time. I don't know if in time he will add it, but until then, I believe this is going to cause some resentment. I am very genuine with him about my intentions. I am not hiding anything from him, especially something that created a problem in the past. The only thing I haven't been forthcoming about is how I still access his page through my friend's account. I'd like to add that I'm not doing anything illegal, just morally wrong if anyone wants to talk about me not being fully open and honest. Other than that I still think it's the principal that he has blocked me and will not re-add even though there has been issues as a result of things HE did. It's just not fair or right.

 

I'm trying not to hold it against him, but it's important that I take a step back. Not to be controlling in hopes of something in return, but because if he is hesitant about our relationship then I shouldn't put myself in s position for him to take me for granted again just because he knows I'll settle for anything. Do you think I'm wrong for that? I think I have every right. He's treating me like I'm the one fully wrong, like my hurt is not valid or legitimate, like I'm and enemy or threat. That doesn't sit well with me that he is worried about me going through his Facebook. I know he views it in front of and the phone is always in my precense. I could easily snoop, but I won't. You know how much I'm working on changing those habits. I just think he is not doing the right thing, so I have to do what's best for me and the relationship.

 

We had an ok day, but this thing is beneath the surface and I'm really hurt that he has just left that to me to deal with. He has heard my thoughts on it. He knows how I feel. We even spoke about it briefly after fishing. It was mostly me explaining how I can't over my hurt feelings from one day to the next. I did tell him that what he has chosen to do, is going to affect the relationship negatively. If he continues to treat it as though it's a dysfunctional relationship, that's what it will become. It's not fair that I am doing everything to help us work and he is doing something like this to damage it. Granted he is doing his part and I don't believe he is doing anything wrong. Why do this? Why hurt my feelings in this way? He will be gone for almost the whole week. Although, I am worried about his being away and I will miss him, I need this time apart to kickstart me focusing on the bigger picture. We need to move smoothly so that we both get what we need out of the relationship. This can't happen when I jump back into old habits. Living with him being number one. I want him to use the time apart to think more about what he wants and what he is doing. He may not have the time or energy to think since he will be working and among his co workers in the nighttime, but we will be apart and that alone I think is enough to help us both bring things back into perspective. I'm not going to get anywhere kicking and screaming.

 

Ms. Darcy and you made an excellent point. Men do not handle the constant drama. I know he has a limit as evidenced by our last split. I won't go near that limit. I've been able to give it a rest. I'm not stifling myself. I've expressed my feelings and I feel that he understands. That's all I can do.

 

I'm sorry that you have been feeling stuck in the same emotional state. Remember what you always tell me, don't be so hard on yourself. Getting better is an uphill battle. My therapist has said it's ok to think about him, just don't dwell. I know it's hard not to, but try to distract yourself when you find yourself thinking about him or his relationship.

 

I meant to post this last night but go some reason it didn't go through.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. This will probably be a short post, because I need to eat something and get started on some laundry, but wanted to reply real quick. Your fishing trip sounds like fun! I love outdoorsy adventures like that. I've always thought it would be so cool to live in Florida, near so much water, and all the palm trees and such. Seems like a nice place to live.

 

I don't think you're being unreasonable about the Facebook issue. It's odd to me that he's being so stubborn about it when it's obviously so important to you. It would bother me too. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be a solution since he's not willing to budge, even after you've expressed how you feel. Ideally it shouldn't even be an issue, y'all should just be on each others pages; but like I was saying before, this is just a symptom of deeper issues. It does feel like a power struggle of some sort. Bolt is always (wisely) saying that fear and anxiety have no place in a loving relationship - we could add that neither do power struggles. I agree that it's going to lead to resentment, unless you can force yourself to find some way to be okay with it. But then when you start doing that, when you start allowing one thing after another, where does it end? You can't make him add you, though, so I honestly don't know the solution.

 

Everyone has their own opinions about this, but I don't see it as any sort of crime that you're viewing his page through your friend's page. He HAS done inappropriate things in the past, and if I were in your shoes (which I have been before), I would want to make sure he wasn't still doing them. I could make equal arguments against it if I wanted to, but that's just how I feel. When I was snooping on mine's Facebook stuff while we were together (just whatever I could find publicly), it was a matter of self-protection. I felt I needed to know, and if I found him cheating, I was prepared to break up with him immediately. No, relationships should not be like that, and there should be trust. But when someone has betrayed you before, is it smart to blindly trust them? None of this is ideal, but it is what it is. Really all I wanted to say, though, is that I don't believe you're doing anything horribly wrong. Having said that, we both know that in a healthy relationship, there should be no need to check up on someone.

 

Thank you for your advice about distracting myself when I start thinking about him and their relationship. That's what I'm going to try to do. There's no other option, really. He's never coming back, so it's only hurting me to know or imagine anything about their relationship. It's best I don't know, and best I don't think of all the hurtful scenarios.

 

I'll check back in later, hope you're feeling okay today

[Ksol9]

Happy Monday Lostlove.

 

I got up this morning very determined to refocus on things that are important to me outside of the relationship. I need to make sure everything is under control with work. Today I have pilates. I would also like to go to church one day during the week before work. They have service every morning at 8am. (I noticed I am not turning to prayer as much as I did before) I'd have to get up a extra hour early and I'd still be able to get to work by 9, so that is something I wouldn't mind doing. He has been calling me very frequently throughout the day. Maybe he senses I am going to step back. It's pretty sad. The whole thing. The more time that passes. There really shouldn't be any reason why he isn't adding me. My mom even said that today. She said the reasons behind it are silly and there's no reason why not. Especially since he knows it hurt my feelings so badly.

 

I came home to take a nap and to do laundry too! It must be laundry day. I took a nice little nap and he called literally as I opened my eyes. He asked if I did my laundry and I said no. He sounded irritated. He said if you did your laundry, you could have been here, I brought you back lunch from the clubhouse. He had lunch with his boss. I don't want to be apart from him. I'm not moping around with an attitude about the situation, I'm just being ok. I don't really know how to put it. He probably has no idea I'm still bothered by it. There is nothing I can do about any of this. I can't make him add me. I just think it's not good that I've practically been living with him. It's not good for the relationship at this point as we are trying to sort things out. I'm not going to bring up the Facebook issue. If he asks me if there is something bothering me. I'll explain that he should know what I'm bothered about.

 

I remember my therapist saying when we just started communicating again, we should both be getting what we want and need out of the relationship. This is something that is bothering me and I believe it will cause problems later on if it isn't addressed. I don't know the solution to it, so I'm waiting to meet with my therapist tomorrow to see what he thinks about it. He did mention Facebook has been an issue in his office for almost every single couple that sit in his office, married or not. Facebook was an issue to me because of the way he responded to women trying to chat with him, even some of his comments. If he is hiding our relationship because he doesn't want to deal with any backlash of his bad behavior, or if he is actually doing bad things..even if it's just out of embarrassment. I don't see that as a proper approach. Not when there has been previous issues in the past regarding Facebook. Just makes me really sad because I think figureitout23 touched on something that really made sense. The both of you did. He blocked me. That was salt to the wound. And he is literally acting like it wasn't a big deal. He's behaving like nothing even happened. I find it pure madness that I sleep in the bed next to someone who blocked me on Facebook because he is so threatened by me. That I may see something or invade his privacy. I feel like he is treating me like I'm insignificant. Like our relationship is a secret. I don't know if I'm exaggerating or what, but that's how hurt I am by it. I can't make my feelings about it go away. I know this is going to fester and create a larger problem. Strange though, I have not experienced much anxiety today. I feel very confidant about my decision to take a step back to refocus on other important things. I need to have a proper balance in my life. My relationship should not be sucking the life out of me and if I feel he is doing something to hurt me, I don't feel right to allow him to do so. It is cause for me to step back. I need to be strong and do what I think is right. I forgot to mention...his boss changed plans and now he doesn't have to go out of town. I'm sure tonight he will ask me to come over after pilates. It will be my chance to break the habit of staying at his house. As much as I want to spend time with him, I don't think I should. Sometimes is ok, but not every night and not when I have something that is bothering me. We've talked about it thoroughly, he knows how I feel, if he still chooses to continue with things this way, then there isn't anything I can do other than react to it in the healthiest way (for me) I know how.

 

I think you're doing great by trying to distract yourself. As you said, it will hurt you more to go through the different scenarios in your head. I know it's pretty difficult, but you'll have to try. Do you think the Zoloft is helping at all? I know it may take a couple months to really give an answer to that question. Remeber the silence and even things you see on Facebook are just excerpts. Sometimes those excerpts are not even accurate to what is really going on in their lives. Your mind fills in the blanks and most times it's worst case. It is best you don't know because I do think it's hurtful. I just had a flashback of those months him and I were in silence. It was silent hell. Horrible experience. Never in my life do I ever want to experience that again. My therapist actually said we wouldn't go through that again now that we are taking a new direction and communication has improved. I hope to God we have moved out of that place..on and off..silent treatments. Don't for a second think I don't empathize with you lostlove. I know what you're going through and I know the daily hurt you go through. You just have to try to make the best of your days. One day will bring change. I don't know when, but keep looking forward.

 

I'm going to get ready for pilates. Today is his son's birthday. Communication has deteriorated between him and the children again due to his relationship with their mother. I really hope I get to talk to his son today. Would love to wish him a happy birthday. I miss them to pieces. Speaking about them.. I haven't mentioned them much, because they now live with mom and I really have no responsibility there anymore. There has been quite a few upset between him and their mother since I've been back. I've managed to put it aside and not allow it to bother me. I keep telling myself it's not my concern. I care and I hope they sort things out, but I come first. I'll be back later to write more.

 

Enjoy the rest of your evening. Take care.

[Ksol9]

I forgot to mention something that I wanted to discuss. Intimacy. Physical and emotional intimacy is in harmony with us right now. Before there were a lot of problems with intimacy, especially physical. We were still affectionate with eachother, but the connection was off and we just weren't doing it as often as a couple in a healthy relationship. There is a major difference now and I think communication was the key to all of it. We are so much closer to eachother, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I remember my therapist telling me that men are definitely affected by stress and drama..it will affect sex drive. I know it sounds like common sense, but I didn't realize how true that was. I just thought men were men and weren't affected by that. The reason for bringing this up is..this Facebook issue, I've chosen to deal with it differently of course. I'm in much more control of my emotions than before. I used to let things bother me so much that it would take over my entire day. Now I know we had a discussion about it, but I've put it aside. Do you think this is just sweeping things under the rug? What is the alternative...bring it up constantly until we both find a solution or one compromises? Wouldn't the stress of it affect intimacy? I'm sure it will to a certain extent even right now because I still have this unresolved hurt. Do I just give it time? Guess I'm still confused as to what I can do about this.

[lostlove76]

Hmm, I really don't know what you should do about the facebook issue, either. I hope one of the other posters will weigh in with their opinions. He seems to have a stubborn refusal to budge. You've expressed yourself several times about it, and he's basically saying "no, end of story." I guess you could look at it as picking your battles, and decide if this one is worth pursuing or letting go. Could you let it go? It sounds like it will continue to bother you, in which case it's going to come up again in the future, one way or another. Since I honestly don't know the best route, I can at least list some options:

1. Let it go completely, if you can, and decide that other things are more important and it's not a battle worth fighting

2. Let it go outwardly, don't say anything more, but inwardly let it affect you - you've already decided to take a step back because of this - decide that if he's not 100% in the relationship, then you aren't either

3. Keep gently talking about it until he gets (and cares) why it's so important to you

4. Convey to him that you don't want to be in a relationship in which he's not completely transparent and all in, and that this isn't going to work if that's how it's going to be. That sounds like an ultimatum, and I guess it is, but it's also just about boundaries and staying true to your own wants and needs. Of course, you would have to prepared to walk away, and I'm pretty sure that's not something you're willing or wanting to do. He would probably get defensive and things would probably end again if you went with this option, unless maybe you went at it from a place of strength and self-confidence and were truly okay with ending things because this isn't the type of relationship you want. Then he might realize you mean business. But it's risky.

 

I'm sorry, I really don't know what to advise. At this point, you're going with option #2. How long can you sustain that? If he still doesn't add you, will you continue to keep your distance? Maybe it's the best route, because I don't think you can do #1 because it IS important to you. You've already tried talking about it (#3) and he wasn't budging. You're not prepared to walk away (#4). That only leaves exactly what you've decided to do. I've read (always reading lol) that men respond to action, not words. So if he sees that you're distancing, and he knows why, then if he wants to see you more, he has to put

both feet in and quit with the stupid blocking. Because it really IS stupid, to block your own girlfriend, for goodness sakes. Maybe he feels he has valid reasons, but in that case, a compromise needs to be reached.

 

Hope that helps you think it through a little. Still hoping someone else will weigh in with something more solid!

 

The Zoloft really isn't helping at all. But it's a tiny dose. Been on 25mg for two weeks, will go up to 50mg tonight. The max dose, which is what I was taking last time, is 200mg. So I'm sure I'm just not taking enough yet, and I've drug it out with this lesser dose because I'm afraid it'll make me feel weird. Gotta do it, though. Thank you so so much for your empathy and support about how I'm still feeling about him. I appreciate that this is a safe place where I can talk about it and not feel pathetic for still caring. Much love to you for that!!

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove, I hope you had a nice night.

 

So It looks like you are still a bit away from the dose you were on previously. Are you supposed to increase slowly or can you just go as you please? I actually think as you are increasing slowly, it's a good way to monitor your progress in mood change. The decrease in depression may occur once you are taking a higher dosage. I think that's something to look forward to. I don't think I even knew what depression was until I met heartbreak. Depression makes your whole world dark. Anxiety just makes it worse. Other than the meds, how is everything else going..work, family, etc.

 

Im trying to go back to sleep but I wanted to mention something that happened yesterday. After pilates, he wanted to go to dinner. I met him at his home and I was sitting on the couch. He sat next to me. We were laughing at something on tv and then he turns to me and says what's wrong? He says...I knew something has been bothering you all day. I was a little taken back. This man can sense even the slightest change in me. I have not beeen treating him any diffeeent. We spoke throughout the day. He was calling frequently, but everything was normal. Normal conversation. I was not angry or upset. I turned to him and told him that he knows what is bothering me. I said that we spoke about everything and my feelings have not changed. He didn't respond. He was quiet. I didn't allow that to make things awkward. We enjoyed the evening. At dinner, he brought it up again. This time, I explained that he knew how important this was to me because of things that happened in the past. I explained the kind message it sends to me and he replied...is that what you think of me? I said absolutely. I said that I didn't believe he was doing the right thing for our relationship. Still don't think it will change a thing.

 

You listed my option and you're correct, option 2 is the only viable option. I don't think it's wise that I make a big deal of it any longer. Tension will build. As mentioned above, he can sense when things are off with me. He's always been very good with that. This just goes to show, I have not been trying to show any hurt feelings, just indifferent because we did not resolve the problem. I'm not being mean, stonewalling, or trying to hurt his feelings (something I totally would have done before) I'm just being me. Maybe have been less affectionate. I don't believe he cares either way. He has his reasons for doing this and he feels strongly about it.

 

He got a last minute call from his boss last night. He has to go out of town for one night to help another co worker. Im not feeeling any anxiety about it. I have therapy today and then I want to use the evening to finish laundry and do some cleaning. Self care. I still think I need to take a step back not because of the Facebook issue, but because we shouldn't be moving so quickly. I shouldn't be living with him so soon. one thing that feels so great about us is that we are communicating free of anger. I am speaking openly and honestly about my feelings. That is something I was never able to do before. In between those conversations we had yesterday, there was laughter. We are still enjoying eachother's company. I just don't know what to do about this issue. Maybe my therapist can shed some light.

 

Wishing you a great day!

[Ksol9]

What a hectic morning! Seems like everything was going wrong this morning at work. I'm waiting in the parking lot at my therapist's office. Wanted to write before I went in.

 

He called me early this morning. He left at 5am, but they got a flat tire on the interstate and finally got back up and running at 9. He had a horrible morning too. Hopefully the rest of the day gets better. I feel stressed.

 

I don't have any anxiety which is different for a change. This Facebook issue still makes me feel weird, but what can I do? I can't break up with him because he won't add me on Facebook..especially when I know he isn't cheating. Something deep down inside tells me to be a little patient here. I think the best thing for me to do is to take a step back, refocus on all the things I've been talking about outside of the relationship, and react to my emotions in a healthy way. This feels strange because the person I used to be would never have handled things this way. I would have been overcome with days of sadness and anxiety and worry. I would have made sure he knew that and I would have made sure there was an argument that ensued. I don't want to be that person anymore. I am no longer that person. I honestly don't know what created the change, but whatever it is...I need to keep doing it. I remember my therapist telling me that the goal is to react to things in a healthy way..healthy meaning best for me. I think that is exactly what I've been doing. The Facebook issue hurt my feelings. I was in tears because I didn't agree with him. I still don't, but as the days passed and I processed what is going on, I realized I only have a few options here. The Facebook issue was an indication to me that I needed to slow down. I feel uncomfortable. I feel vulnerable. If he can't help me and won't compromise, then I have to do what's best for me and for our relationship. I did tell him last night that I didn't think he was doing what was right for our relationship. I truly believe I need to give it some time before I come to any conclusions as far as his intentions with the Facebook thing.

 

I'm going to head into my therapy appt. I'll be back later to update. Hope everyone is having a wonderful day!

[lostlove76]

Hello ksol I'm sorry you're having a hectic morning, but glad that your therapy appt is today. I look forward to hearing what he has to say about the Facebook issue. I agree that you're doing all you can do, and I think you're handling it perfectly. I'm proud of you for being able to control your emotions and not react in a destructive way towards him. It astounds me that he's being so adamant about not adding you, after you've expressed so well how it makes you feel. I guess he has his reasons, and feels strongly about them, as you said. It's easy to get suspicious at times, if you let your mind go there, but I think he must feel that it's going to be better for the relationship, however misguided that idea may be. It's clear that he wants to be with you. Maybe now that he could tell it's still bothering you, and you spoke up about it again, maybe he'll take a few days to think about it and will change his mind. It's human nature not to want to be "told what to do," especially for stubborn people, so maybe if he has time to decide on his own, he'll come around. (I know you're not telling him what to do like that, but hopefully you know what I mean.) Anyways, you've expressed your hurt in the best way possible, and that's really all you can do.

 

So It looks like you are still a bit away from the dose you were on previously. Are you supposed to increase slowly or can you just go as you please? I actually think as you are increasing slowly, it's a good way to monitor your progress in mood change. The decrease in depression may occur once you are taking a higher dosage. I think that's something to look forward to. I don't think I even knew what depression was until I met heartbreak. Depression makes your whole world dark. Anxiety just makes it worse. Other than the meds, how is everything else going..work, family, etc.

I should already be at the higher doses, but it won't be harmful to go more slowly. I keep putting off going up to the next dose for various reasons, mostly because I'm afraid I'll feel the change and get anxious about it (I'm super-sensitive to any sort of changes in the way I'm feeling), so I want to make sure I don't have to go anywhere the next day when I take the higher dose at night for the first time. Just to see how it's going to feel. Your description of depression is very accurate, and yes, anxiety makes it all worse. I'm doing okay, I suppose, but it's just always something. I always seem to have some underlying sense of guilt, like I've said the wrong thing or done the wrong thing in some way, even if I can't put my finger on anything I've done. Like for instance, the girl I work for texted today and said I could wait until tomorrow to come in if I wanted to, that it was my preference between that and today. I don't feel like I got enough sleep, so I replied that I would wait until tomorrow. But now I feel guilty, like I'm doing something wrong, even though she suggested that it was totally fine. I always second-guess things I've said, and wonder if I've been friendly enough, or if I've said something stupid. UGH. I guess it's all part of the anxiety and depression. It's like my mind just MUST find something to worry and feel uncomfortable about, constantly. Hopefully the zoloft will help.

 

I'll end this and wait to hear your therapy update I hope you had a productive session and that he cleared up some of your questions. Let me know!

[Ksol9]

Hey lostlove, hope your day is going well. I wanted to wait til I got home so I could reply on my laptop, but when I got in something was wrong with the internet. Go figure...sounds like my day is still going to be difficult with me.

 

Before I talk about everything that was discussed in therapy, I wanted to talk to you about some things that stood out to me as I read your post. Guilt. You said that you felt guilty when the woman from work gave you the option to come in today or tomorrow, you chose what was best for you, but you felt bad that maybe you were doing something wrong. We spoke about this in therapy today. These are co-dependent habits. You want to please. You feel bad to say no or to make a decision based on what would be best for yourself. As I read this part of your post, I recognized immediately that it was a codependency trait to feel that way. Sometimes being a little selfish or putting your needs first is ok. You haven't done anything wrong especially when the woman stated it was your preferance. Simply tell yourself, I shouldn't feel bad because this works out best for me since I didn't get much sleep last night. End your thoughts there. I think being self aware is key. I know I have some serious co dependency issues and I know where they come from so I'm very aware of it. Once you can identify this is what was making you feel that way, you I think it's easier to put that particular worry to rest. You were worried if you did something wrong, you were worried about HER feelings. Tell yourself in a situation like that, when it's ok to choose what you want, that you aren't responsible for anyone else's feelings. I can tell just by the way you write that you are a polite and respectable person so I am sure you were not mean or rude. I also think you're right that another part of it is your mind finding something..anything to worry about. I hope in time as your increase your dosage, the Zoloft will provide some relief. I've learned that balance is key. It's an assorted amount of things that i need to be doing in order to see and feel results/progress. I think combined with the Zoloft, reading, or just doing anything you like to do, you will feel some progress being made. It's a daily struggle I know, but you can't give up. Keep fighting to find some sort of happiness in the midst of all of this. Losing in love is really really hard, but I think it's one of the only things that can send you searching and renewing yourself as an individual. I'm convinced of this. We don't know what is going on in his life or if you guys will ever cross paths again. No one knows. It's important that you don't stay stuck in a place of uncertainty. There is no happiness there. Just depression and anxiety. As always lostlove, I wish you well.

 

While I was in therapy, he called me 3 times. I felt a little anxious about that because he's out of town and he knows things aren't exactly perfect between. We aren't fighting and I'm not angry with him, but there's just this unresolved issue of the Facebook thing that is still there and as I said earlier, he sensed this. I'm sure he's probably wondering if I'm still bothered by it today. On to what my therapist said. The entire visit was about this Facebook issue, codependency, and how to deal with things from this point on. I got exactly what I needed out of the visit and it was to figure out what to do about this issue. I explained everything from start to finish. I explained my backstory about the trust issues surrounding Facebook. Everything that happened in the past to make me feel uncomfortable about not being friends with him on Facebook. To my surprise, my therapist agreed with me fully. He started off by saying...Facebook sounds like a silly topic, but it is real life. This is the world we live in. He says he has seen it become an issue for just about every couple that sits in his office. He said I am not wrong at all for wanting him to re-add me. He doesn't see his reasons as valid at all. The blocking was salt to the wound and he finds it silly not to re-add for the simple fact that there is a history of bad bahavior on his behalf. He kept telling me not to question myself, that I had every right to ask for this but of transparency in our relationship. He found it very strange that he would still be so stubborn after the conversations I had with him. Especially in knowing how much it hurt my feelings and how important it was to me. He did tell me not to assume. Just to stick with facts. He says we don't know the real reason he doesn't want to re-add and all I can decipher from is facts..i.e. things that have happened in the past. Those are legitimate concerns and it shouldn't be brushed under the rug. He said it just sounds very odd to him that if he really wanted to do what was best for "us" he would consider what I asked. In his mind his reasons are legitimate. He basically said exactly what you said...it's very easy to become suspicious, but it's important that I don't allow my mind to go there. I can not and should not assume he is hiding something or anything along those lines. I think I've done a good job controlling my emotions and I am happy with the way I've handled things. I don't regret crying and becoming upset on Saturday. It was a natural reaction to hurt feelings and I do feel my feelings were hurt and not validated. Thank you for also acknowledging and being proud of me for not allowing my emotions to react in a destructive way. I really appreciate that! Im still amazed at how I am able to remove the anger from my emotions. It feels good..very good to be able to handle things in a healthy way. Hopefully with more practice, things will become easier.

 

My therapist did tell me that I should be very clear and concise if the conversation comes up again. I feel like I've already explained myself in different words, but I don't think it would be too much if I said clearly..."i understand what you are saying, but I can't make you do anything you don't want to do. I just want you to know that I don't believe you are making the best decision for us because this is going to create a trust issue for us because of incidents in the past where your behavior was inappropriate (he told me to list details to him). This hurt my feelings and I want you to know it will become a greater problem in the future." I've already said things like this along the same lines, but I guess I could be more clear and concise. Maybe as you said, he'll take a few days to think about it and change his mind. It is important to me and it's not going to go away. I can't seem to make myself brush it under the rug. You know that he is a stubborn person and he definitely doesn't like to be told what to do. Those were actually his words saying..that I was trying to control him. I really can't make him do anything..so if he really acknowledges and validates my pain over this, then maybe he will do the right thing on his own.

 

My therapist agreed with my from start to finish about taking a step back. He said he could hear the confidence in my voice about my decision. I just feel this is the right thing to do. He reiterated that this relationship has to work for both of us. We both have to be able to get what we both want out of it. He said it's never too late for me to take a step back or to re-organize things. He believes my motivations behind it are for the right reasons and so he thinks I am doing the right thing. As I explained above about co dependency habits. I too have trouble telling people no. When he asks me to come over, I put aside the need to do laundry or the need to get a good nights rest..whatever else, just to please him. I don't want to hurt his feelings or I don't want him to think I don't want to spend time with him, I dont want to upset him. It sounds silly, but I'm sure you can understand. Of course I want to spend all my time with him, but it's not healthy for us at this point in the relationship, especially with my raised eyebrows about Facebook. Another thing I should note is how he handles himself during conflict...he has turned to other women..looked for attention from other women. Those are facts. Maybe there is a sense that if I upset him by not spending as much time with him that I may be afraid he may do something like that again. What am I really afraid of?? There is no need for me to be afraid of any of those things. I've chosen to trust him. I need to take care of myself and put my needs first. Fear of him becoming upset or angry, fear of hurting his feelings is not my responsibility. I need to remind myself of this in future. That is my goal for this week. To focus on myself and to change my habit of sleeping over his house. I am not ready to move in with him. We still have a lot of work to do.

 

So there is it. I didn't get any quick fixes. I just got validation of my feelings and concerns. I'm thankful for that. Thank you lostlove for your post as well because I think your thinking is right along the same lines of my therapist's thoughts. He's out of town for the night. He said they would be going to grab dinner and then would be hanging out in the hotel room. I still worry, but I'm not full of anxiety as I normally am about him being out of town. I have faith that he'll behave himself.

 

I hope you're doing ok today. Will you have the rest of the evening off? I'm going to finish up my laundry. I plan to stay in my pajamas for the rest of the night. Pure relaxation. Will talk to you later.

[Ksol9]

Good morning everyone! Just wanted to wish you all a great day.

 

Hoping today goes smoothly. I slept a good amount, but for some reason it doesn't feel like enough. Today most likely won't be a full day of work. I plan to spend the rest of my day after work just relaxing and reflecting. Much like I did yesterday. My thoughts are in order. I may even go to the gym. He should be heading home this afternoon.

 

Cheers to a smooth Wednesday!

[Ksol9]

Unchained, just wanted to say hi. I hope you're doing ok. I was just thinking about all the support and help you've offered me in times that you were going through your own struggles. Along with lostlove, bolt, and others, you've been a huge help to me especially in times of crisis and I think that is very selfless of you. I've always said this forum has been made a difference in my progress and without the help and support of my friends here, I still maintain I would not have made it this far. It was my friends here who directed me to therapy, something I was very skeptical of (due to ignorance). Therapy has changed my life. I just attribute all the changes I've struggled to make to you and the rest of my friend's here, therapy, and my own perseverance.

 

Jmb, not sure if you're still around, but I remember when you offered me a different perspective on getting out of the place I was stuck in during NC. You helped me quite a bit and it was around that time, everything took a turn with him and I.

 

I think of those who have helped me along the way. I haven't forgotten. For those of you who silently follow and those who are still here chatting with me....THANK YOU! I appreciate you all.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. It sounds like you're in a good mood I'm glad you're getting some down time the past couple of days. I know what you mean about not feeling like you got enough sleep. I think it takes a really long time to make up for sleep deficit, and for so long, you weren't getting enough. I have to work today, so just checking in to say hello, and maybe I can write more tonight. Thank you so very much for pointing out the codependent aspect of why I was feeling guilty yesterday; the way you described it makes a lot of sense, and it's something I hadn't even thought of. I'll have to reflect more on that, and should probably read that book (Codependent No More). I'm glad you had a good therapy session yesterday, and glad he validated what you were feeling. It shows you're on the right track. So, everyone agrees that it's odd he hasn't added you back. I saw a short thread on here a day or two ago with the OP asking what people thought about having your significant other on social media. He or she said they were thinking about adding them, but that it "prevents unnecessary fights" not to, and named an example of liking or commenting on the opposite sex's posts/pictures. So maybe that is your bf's mindset - he feels it will prevent "unnecessary fights." Not saying I agree! Just sharing what the poster was saying.

 

I need to eat and and get ready, but I hope you have a great afternoon!

[Ms Darcy]

Ksol, sounds like you are in a good mood. That's great.

 

Try not to keep the weight of the world on your shoulders.

[Ksol9]

Ksol, sounds like you are in a good mood. That's great.

 

Try not to keep the weight of the world on your shoulders.

 

Thank Ms. Darcy. Since yesterday, I've been thinking about how I feel a lot less anxiety. Less anxiety= less worry. I've been able to keep my eyes on the bigger picture. Im trying to enjoy it for as long as I can. Things aren't perfect in my relationship, but I feel like we are getting through things as well as working toward something. That's a good feeling.

 

Thanks again! I hope you're having a good day today!

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. It sounds like you're in a good mood I'm glad you're getting some down time the past couple of days. I know what you mean about not feeling like you got enough sleep. I think it takes a really long time to make up for sleep deficit, and for so long, you weren't getting enough. I have to work today, so just checking in to say hello, and maybe I can write more tonight. Thank you so very much for pointing out the codependent aspect of why I was feeling guilty yesterday; the way you described it makes a lot of sense, and it's something I hadn't even thought of. I'll have to reflect more on that, and should probably read that book (Codependent No More). I'm glad you had a good therapy session yesterday, and glad he validated what you were feeling. It shows you're on the right track. So, everyone agrees that it's odd he hasn't added you back. I saw a short thread on here a day or two ago with the OP asking what people thought about having your significant other on social media. He or she said they were thinking about adding them, but that it "prevents unnecessary fights" not to, and named an example of liking or commenting on the opposite sex's posts/pictures. So maybe that is your bf's mindset - he feels it will prevent "unnecessary fights." Not saying I agree! Just sharing what the poster was saying.

 

I need to eat and and get ready, but I hope you have a great afternoon!

 

Hey there, thanks for checking in. I do think you should read the co dependent no more book. I think change is in self awareness. I haven't finished reading the book, but I get a lot of information about my codependent habits when I go to therapy. I think it would be beneficial to you to read a little about it. You don't have to, but you may be able to recognize certain things that apply to you.

 

The Facebook issue...

He called me a few times for the day. He is still out of town. I am not purposefully being cold or distant. I'm still being very kind, but I think he senses things are different. He asked me today..how come you don't miss me?? I replied..of course I miss you. Facebook can create a lot of unnecessary fights, but there is past history of trust issues associated with this. Why hide Facebook...why not change his behavior? He has deleted all of the remaining female friends that he added while we were apart. He even deleted some other friends on his list. I think he just cleaned everything up. My therapist explained, when infidelity or something along those lines is involved, it is important that the partner who did the wrongdoing, to be transparent. Now I'm not saying I need passwords, access to everything...I certainly don't need any of that. I asked to be re-added as a friend. Last year prior to the second breakup, a woman asked him out for drink. He left the door open by saying, I had to work late. Another woman sent a naked photo of herself(a married woman at that)...he sends a thumbs up. Is this respectful of me and of our relationship? I consider those things borderline cheating. Who is to say those things aren't happening again? I don't think it's wrong of me to ask him to add me as a friend. I am not asking for access and I'm not saying he is doing anything wrong. I'm saying I have legitimate reasons and I don't believe he is doing what's best for "us". There are going to be trust issues because of this...for refusing to add me. I'm really disgusted even speaking about this because what if this is what he does?? His refusal to re-add me is just really mean in my opinion. He knows this is important to me and he knows how much it hurt me on Saturday. I'm not going to mistreat him or create any problems because of this. I not going to nag or constantly bring it up. I am just going to keep a little distance from the situation. I shouldn't be spending every night with him regardless. I definitely shouldn't be moving back in at this point. I don't want to build resentment for him over this. I need to keep my focus on work and my outside activities. I've already told him how I feel and I can't make him do anything. No matter what, I believe this is going to impact our relationship because I am not behaving as openly and as freely as I was with him before Saturday. It makes me pretty sad because I don't want things to change or take a turn for the worse. Just trying to do what's right for myself and for our relationship.

 

I hope you have a great day at work and hopefully we can chat later. Xoxo

[lostlove76]

Hey, I have just a minute to respond. I agree with all you are saying, I really do. I'm about to generalize big time here, but in my whole life's experience, men seem to have a much looser definition of cheating than we do. A lot of men (conveniently for them) think that borderline flirting, or even blatant flirting, "doesn't mean anything" and is "harmless." They also know that girls get very upset at any sign of it. So rather than change their behavior, which they don't actually see a problem with, they just try to avoid letting you see it. Again, I'm generalizing, but I've just seen this kind of thing so many times. Just something to think about, I guess, in terms of the differences between how men and women operate. I'm sure that he's not going to do anything with any other woman that will threaten your relationship at this point. But he may be afraid that you'll see something and take it in a way that he wasn't meaning it to be. Im not sure, it's just one theory. Men don't think as deeply as we do - to him, the simple solution is just not to have each other on Facebook.

 

I'm typing fast because I need to leave, so I'm not sure I explained well enough what I was meaning to say. Just trying to get in his head and figure this out. But I agree with your side, and would be feeling as you do. I have to run, be we'll chat later. Xoxo!

[Ksol9]

I think you're exactly right about this. As a woman, we tend to dramatize and look at things from a broader spectrum. I think you're probably right that he didn't really see anything wrong with that behavior and he may not behave that way at all, but it hurt me very much and he knows it lead to our second breakup because the email followed. I don't think he is dong anything wrong, as you know I can see his page. He has not liked or commented anythjng with the exception of the "kush" comment. I think he is doing as you said. Preventing any further problems if I do see something and take it out of context. I don't agree with that approach and it is actually making the subject worse, but this is most likely his thinking about Facebook. My worst fear is that this will manifest into a larger problem or big blowout. I am thinking about this daily and I am still hurt by it. It is an underlying issue. Speaking from past experience, underlying issues that sit turn into resentment. Resentment that translates into jabs, slide remarks, little fights, hurt feelings, tension buildup...all the things that led to our recent breakup. It's really best, if I can't let this go, to keep my distance, handle this in the most healthy way I know how, and speak about it when the time is right. There's nothing more I can do.

 

There is something else going on in his life that is causing him a great deal of stress. The children's mother is making it extremely difficult for him to stay in touch with them. He will call..no answer. He will text..no response. She blatantly told him via text to stop texting her to speak to them as she will only allow them to use the phone if and only if they ask to speak to dad. She also said she would reject any gifts he send for them if she doesn't approve of them. For the 2 years they lived with us, he has never put any kind of limitations on her nor did she send him a single cent. They made a verbal agreement not to pursue child support. He is more than willing to send them whatever they need, he obviously wants to be in their lives, and he is very willing. Maybe she is going this route because she intends to pursue child support eventually. I know it is not easy raisin 2 children on her own. The motivation for her behavior seems to be something more than what's on the surface. He is becoming more and more irritated. He has said a few times that he would keep them if they were to come visit. obviiusly this will create world war 3. He's stressed and this is weighing on him. I need to be mindful of that.

 

Thank you for giving me perspective on how he might be seeing things. I do think that you're right. Still don't know what to do to work through it though. I'm very afraid this will cause a bigger problem in the long run.

 

Don't work too hard chat again soon.

[Ksol9]

Crazy that I just noticed this thread is a little over a year old. So much has happened since this time a year ago. A lot of pain in that year, but so much growth. If I look at our relationship from where it was to where it is today, we are so much stronger and closer. I look forward to more growth, a stronger bond, and wayyy less pain. Oh gosh, I pray for no more pain. I really think I'm on the right track and I hope that I continue to make progress as an individual and in my relationship.

[figureitout23]

A lot of pain in that year, but so much growth. If I look at our relationship from where it was to where it is today, we are so much stronger and closer. I look forward to more growth, a stronger bond, and wayyy less pain. Oh gosh, I pray for no more pain. I really think I'm on the right track and I hope that I continue to make progress as an individual and in my relationship.

 

I say this with the utmost respect and hope that you two figure this out.... what growth?!?!?

 

 

I'm not saying this to be mean, but rather in hopes that you recognize you guys have a long road ahead of you to make this right again. Try not to become complacent. Please, please, please continue to learn about yourself, spend time being independent, continue counseling and your extracurricular activities.

[Ksol9]

Growth meaning my own growth. I am definitely not the same person I was a year ago. I am better equipped to be in this relationship now than I've ever been. A year ago, I was lost and so was he. I don't think either one of us had a clue what was going wrong in our relationship and we are still learning.

 

All of the things you mentioned...being independent, counseling, and other activities outside of the relationship are what I am doing my very best to focus on. My relationship is a priority, but I need to find some sort of balance in order for things to get better.

 

What you said about becoming complacent is very important for both of us.

[Clarisse]

I say this with the utmost respect and hope that you two figure this out.... what growth?!?!?

 

 

I'm not saying this to be mean, but rather in hopes that you recognize you guys have a long road ahead of you to make this right again. Try not to become complacent. Please, please, please continue to learn about yourself, spend time being independent, continue counseling and your extracurricular activities.

 

I have to agree. It sounds to me like you are living with the same anxiety day in and day out that you did the last time around. There is still no trust and you jumped right back in to where you left off. Good relationships shouldn't feel like this, Ksol9.

[SparklyBoots]

I've been following your journey KSol but have had little to add to the excellent advice you have been given and so, so happy to read that you are making such progress. I'd be a little cautious in the fact you guys are being so intimate already but still have a lot to work through. Especially the whole Facebook issue. ..which he holds the power on, and is completely ignoring your concerns and feelings about....

 

He has someone back in his bed without really having to put in much effort, which is a total result for him....It is like you have jumped back into a lot of closeness without properly addressing fundamental issues. You are stiil walking a little on eggshells with this man. Personally I wouldn't be spending so much time on someone and being so intimate so soon...I've been co-dependent in the past, but I have also been the distancer at times. Some people just bring out the worst in us. I have had relationships where I have felt anxious a lot of the time and others I have been quite relaxed. To me, he holds the power atm and you are in a one down position which is never good. Honestly I think you need to give yourself a lot more space away from this relationship to grow. Doesn't mean you can't work on things together but I think you do need to work on your life outside of a relationship and distance a little while you do this. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but we all need to be in a place that if things work out, GREAT, but if they don't we won't be broken... your therapy is obviously having quite an impact on you, which is great to read, but the anxiety is still breaking through...a lot.

 

I am rooting for you both and do think you have progressed a heck of a lot. I don't mean to sound negative, but do think slowly slowly may benefit you both if at all possible x