Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ms Darcy]

I don't know how to put this delicately, but I will try.

 

Your insecurity is not his issue to fix. From the sound of it, it sounds like you feel insecure about his online activities. When you choose to reconcile with someone, it's unfair to hold the past against them. And it also shows lack of trust to monitor their online activity (and snoop in their stuff).

 

I think he knows you will monitor his actions and pick apart what he does. So he wants to avoid that. And I think that's personally very reasonable and valid.

 

To women in other threads I often say technology should not be a leash.

 

I also think you are moving way too quickly. You are already in the "we are in a relationship so he should do this and that" territory again as opposed to taking it slow ans getting to know each other.

 

I will also add I NEVER added my husband on my Facebook until we got engaged. After a previous relationship ended and I had to change my Facebook status, I realized that it is silly to tell the world every time I get into and out of a relationship.

[Ksol9]

Oh wow..the painting is beautiful! I'm not sure if I mentioned this here before, but I love art. I visit art galleries whenever I get the chance. I can't draw or paint, but I love looking at it. You are so very talented. In addition, you are wise. I can't thank you enough for the support you've provided me with.

 

I remember my therapist saying how social media ruins relationships and it is a stupid thing to be upset over, but just like he said not being on his Facebook is not a big deal because he isn't doing anything wrong, well what is the big deal if we were to be friends on Facebook again? Being on his Facebook is not the issue, the action is the issue. He knows he hurt my feelings over this and to be honest, I can't make that go away. I am back at his house now. I am in a somber mood, I'm quiet, and just sad. I can't be myself right now because I honestly feel uncomfortable. I'm just going to try to be polite and calm. I'm upset and I'm sure he knows, but I promised myself I wouldn't treat him poorly. I'm not going to give an attitude or stonewall. Just going to try to relax through the weekend. We will probably go to church tomorrow morning. If the conversation comes up, I'm going to be honest, just as you suggested. I have been very transparent and I am doing everything possible to make sure I do my part to make sure we succeed. His reason are not legitimate and for whatever reasons, he is hiding our relationship. I don't feel comfortable because I am not sure what his intentions are. That's it. All I can do is be honest.

 

I do think I've been spending too much time with him. I keep saying I want to take things slow, but I've been spending the night more and more as each week passes. I need to take a step back. I think you're right that this will anger him. I will communicate my reasons. That is my goal for this week. I'm going to take a step back and focus more on myself and my activities.

 

My mom says she can bet her last dollar that he doesn't really have a real reason why he won't add it. She doesn't believe he is hiding anything, but that it was just craziness. She feels it is some sort of control over the situation. She kept saying, "what is the big deal?? Why wouldn't he want to add you?? If he adds you and it creates a problem then you guys don't need to have Facebook, but what kind of message is he sending by what he is doing right now and how is it that he is ok with hurting your feelings like this?"

 

I think the bottom line is..for whatever reason he is hesistant about our relationship, then I shouldn't be jumping into anything with him. We are sitting on the couch and he is watching a comedy show. He's laughing and doesn't seem to know anything is wrong. I know I've been wrong for my behavior in the past. I feel very strongly about this, but I just hope I'm handling it the right way. Just feeling really sad about the things he said to me this morning and everything else regarding this issue.

 

I really love your painting. I've clicked on the attachment a couple times already. It's soothing. Have you thought about selling your work or putting them in a gallery for display? It's really beautiful

[jenny_mcs]

Ksol- I just want to mention that you are not being completely honest with him. You are secretly monitoring his FB activity. I don't know how you are doing this, but you are. And it *is* upsetting you. You didn't like the fact that he left a comment on (female) friend's picture, and were getting really upsetting about it.

 

I don't know what the answer to your dilemma is, and I obviously don't know if he is truly doing anything shady on FB, but the elephant in the room, IMO, is that you are secretly tracking his activities, yet getting upset at him for not being completely open to you. I think you really need to think about your role in this. I don't mean to be mean about it, but I don't think you should gloss over the part you play in this problem.

[Ksol9]

I don't know how to put this delicately, but I will try.

 

Your insecurity is not his issue to fix. From the sound of it, it sounds like you feel insecure about his online activities. When you choose to reconcile with someone, it's unfair to hold the past against them. And it also shows lack of trust to monitor their online activity (and snoop in their stuff).

 

I think he knows you will monitor his actions and pick apart what he does. So he wants to avoid that. And I think that's personally very reasonable and valid.

 

To women in other threads I often say technology should not be a leash.

 

I also think you are moving way too quickly. You are already in the "we are in a relationship so he should do this and that" terrorist again as opposed to taking it slow ans getting to know each other.

 

I will also add I NEVER added my husband on my Facebook until we got engaged. After a previous relationship ended and I had to change my Facebook status, I realized that it is silly to tell the world every time I get into and out of a relationship.

 

Hi Ms. Darcy, this is the other spectrum of my thinking. I am insecure of his online activities for a reason. I do not hold that against him and I don't want him to add me to monitor his activity. It is the action that he doesn't want to add me is what hurt my feelings. Why is he hiding our relationship? If he is hesitant about our relationship then I am absolutely moving way too quickly. I think it is unfair to hold the past against him, but that doesn't mean those things never happened. He explained that Facebook created a problem previously. Isn't that holding the past against me? I think he does think I will pick apart his actions and wants to avoid that, BUT we both came back into this relationship with a clean slate. We are both doing things very differently. We came into this in good faith. I have been completely transparent. I could understand if he added me and it did create a problem, then he would have a legitamate reason to delete it, but instead I am hurt because I feel he is hiding our relationship.

 

I think you are exactly right that I am moving too quickly. It is my goal to slow things down.

[Ms Darcy]

I was just going to edit my post above to add wha Jenny did about secretly monitoring him. And that is where you are not being honest and transparent with him.

[Ksol9]

Ksol- I just want to mention that you are not being completely honest with him. You are secretly monitoring his FB activity. I don't know how you are doing this, but you are. And it *is* upsetting you. You didn't like the fact that he left a comment on (female) friend's picture, and were getting really upsetting about it.

 

I don't know what the answer to your dilemma is, and I obviously don't know if he is truly doing anything shady on FB, but the elephant in the room, IMO, is that you are secretly tracking his activities, yet getting upset at him for not being completely open to you. I think you really need to think about your role in this. I don't mean to be mean about it, but I don't think you should gloss over the part you play in this problem.

 

Hi Jenny. There is no answer to my dilemma. I'm hurt and I think the truth of the matter is in the things he said. Everything he said translates to him not being hesitant about our relationship. I think we're moving too fast.

[Ms Darcy]

He explained that Facebook created a problem previously. Isn't that holding the past against me? I think he does think I will pick apart his actions and wants to avoid that, BUT we both came back into this relationship with a clean slate. We are both doing things very differently. We came into this in good faith. I have been completely transparent. I could understand if he added me and it did create a problem, then he would have a legitamate reason to delete it, but instead I am hurt because I feel he is hiding our relationship.

 

I think you are exactly right that I am moving too quickly. It is my goal to slow things down.

 

You WOULD have a valid point about him holding the past against you, except we all know it's not the past.

 

This go-round you rifled through his things and you are still monitoring his online activities. Come on now, he's not a dummy.

 

I think you are working hard to be right rather than happy. What you have encountered is a very reasonable boundary from him. And because you have cast yourself in the role of right, you are not willing to accept that what you need more than anything in this relationship is to rebuild trust and mutual respect, not some artificial sense of transparency.

 

If my husband said he wanted all my passwords, I would say no. (He wouldn't ask). I would say no .... Not because I am doing anything wrong but because people in healthy marriages are interdependent and not co-dependent. We have to trust each other to be faithful and open about our boundaries while respecting those boundaries.

 

Trust me, if you want a forever type of relationship, trust and respect (and lack of drama) are far more important than transparency in every aspect and being right.

[Ksol9]

I'm really confused. I need to think things through because I am here with him for the remainder of the weekend. I am being extremely quiet and I'm afraid it is bordering stonewalling.

 

I think even if I wasn't able to see his page and had no access to it whatsoever, I would still be very hurt by the things he said. He is hesitant to re-add me and that speaks for itself. Anything I've seen him write as of recently under the woman's photo, he knows nothing about. I never even flinched as far as showing him it bothered me. There are trust issues there..some of them very legitimate. We have both made our mistakes, but there has always been an issue with his conduct on Facebook. Coming back into a relationship where the goal is to be open and honest, he is not helping me by hiding our relationship. I'm very hurt and I'm confused. All I can do is be honest. I his response to all of this was eye opening in the sense that I am moving too quickly. I'm not going to kick and scream about this, but my feelings are hurt and I can't seem to hide it.

[Clarisse]

This is exactly why I have recommended couples counseling for the two of you. Until you deal with the underlying issues in the relationship, you won't successfully reconcile.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, I personally have tried but I don't think you are ready to hear it. Oy vey. You both really need couples counseling and not spending the weekend together.

[Ksol9]

This is exactly why I have recommended couples counseling for the two of you. Until you deal with the underlying issues in the relationship, you won't successfully reconcile.

 

I did finally tell him this morning that I was seeing a therapist about our relationship. He did not know before. He has also mentioned that he would like to get us some help. Maybe in time, he will join me. My feelings are hurt and everyone here has made valid points, but it still doesn't change my feelings. I still feel he is hiding the relationship and that makes me feel like crap. He threw our relationship away very easily before and I'm assuming that is why he keeping things private for now. He has left and came back so many times. I have no choice but to leave it off the table for now.

[boltnrun]

I agree with some of the previous posts.

 

You kept saying you know you need to take it slow, but you're not taking it slow at all. You are already saying you two are back together, in a matter of what, 4 or 5 weeks? That's not "slow". You're spending multiple nights per week together. And though you two have talked, you haven't come up with solutions on how to make this time be different.

 

Honestly, it sounds like the same old same old to me.

 

Right now, you do mention to him how you're feeling but you're still stifling yourself. And it's resulting in you being "quiet" around him. You think he doesn't notice, but I can guarantee he does.

 

I don't know what to tell you except there is still a lot more work to be done before you feel safe, secure, anxiety-free and free from fear in this relationship.

[Ksol9]

I agree with some of the previous posts.

 

You kept saying you know you need to take it slow, but you're not taking it slow at all. You are already saying you two are back together, in a matter of what, 4 or 5 weeks? That's not "slow". You're spending multiple nights per week together. And though you two have talked, you haven't come up with solutions on how to make this time be different.

 

Honestly, it sounds like the same old same old to me.

 

Right now, you do mention to him how you're feeling but you're still stifling yourself. And it's resulting in you being "quiet" around him. You think he doesn't notice, but I can guarantee he does.

 

I don't know what to tell you except there is still a lot more work to be done before you feel safe, secure, anxiety-free and free from fear in this relationship.

 

 

Hi bolt, I think you said it best. It does sound and feel like the same old same old...except I am expressing my myself and we are communicating. He doesn't feel comfortable re-adding me and I don't feel comfortable that he doesn't. There is nothing I can do about that other than tell him how I feel. He made me get dressed and he took me out for some Italian ice. Afterwards, we went shopping and then went to dinner. There was a lot of conversation about how I was feeling. He also spoke more about how he feels. I'm still really hurt, but all I can do is be patient and let things fall into place with work of course. The both of us have a lot of work to do. I spent most of the day crying. Crying because I was so hurt that he is hiding our relationship. I'm still very hurt, but the fact is, I am in this relationship with him. I can't control any of this. I'm assuming he wanted to get out and spend time together because we were at home and I was being quiet. It worked because we spent some quality time with eachother. I realized that I am moving too quickly. I mentioned this to him and he became angry. He said he didn't feel we were moving too quickly and that everything was fine. It doesn't matter what he thinks. I know I'll be ok, but I seeing that I need to take a step back. It hasn't been that long since we have been together. About a month if that. It's too soon to say that we are solid and that things are going to last.

 

I feel like all the tears I shed and all the pain I told him about was necessary. I may have even got out pain from all the past hurts. At least he knows how I feel. I don't feel like I am misunderstood or anything like that. We are in ok spirits. Still laughing and making jokes with eachother. Deep down inside, I am still hurt. He said something in the restaurant that I found to be telling. He said that he thought I was controlling. That he knows this will continue to bother me until he fixes it. I don't want to control and I don't want to feel this way any longer. Just going to get to bed early. Church in the morning. I'm very anxious to meet with my therapist. I'm still feeling very sad and on the verge of tears.

 

I know I want to be with this man. I love him, but it seems like he is not as sure or as ready as I am. I shouldn't be upset about that, it just hurts.

 

Have a great night everyone. I may check back in later. Going to take a shower and try to relax. I don't know why I put myself through this. Why am I doing this to myself?

[Ksol9]

I just remembered something he said to me over dinner. It was significant to me because it was something my therapist said to me. He said...you have no faith in me. You have to have faith. Have faith that things will end up the way they are supposed to. My therapist said those exact words. I told him that is what my therapist said. Maybe that is something I am holding on to. I want to control and hold on to when I shouldn't. What is the worst thing that could happen? That I would end up where I am supposed to end up? Is that really that bad of an outcome?

 

I wish I could change this about myself. I wish I could make it through these tough times. I have a man that is being very patient with me. Sometimes I feel like I am too much for him. This is too much for anyone to handle really. I don't know. Just being really hard on myself today.

[Ms Darcy]

Faith is the child of trust. Trust and respect are the bedrock of a healthy relationship.

 

Without it, one is just living in a house of cards.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I've been reading posts here all day, but just now got the chance to sit down and write. I don't know how much more I can add to what has already been said, but wanted to at least offer my empathy. I've of course been where you are, so much so that it's like looking in a mirror as I read what you're writing. I can honestly see both sides of this, and I have no idea which side is the "right" side. You, him, your mom, and everyone here all make valid points. I can understand feeling confused.

 

In regards to the Facebook issue... I agree with whoever said above (sorry, too hard to scroll back and find) that he most likely knows if he adds you, you'll monitor his activity, get upset, and problems will ensue. He doesn't know that you can already see what he's doing. I think that's probably his biggest reason for not wanting to add you back. (Another reason might be that it becomes awkward to explain to people why y'all are on-again-off-again so many times). I told you how I didn't even want to be friends with my ex on Facebook for a while, because I knew that every little thing would make me feel jealous and suspicious. It's the same for you - any contact at all with any females is going to cause you distrust and anxiety. And he knows that. I'm not really taking up for him, though, because he shouldn't be flirting or attention-seeking with anyone, period. I don't really like the "kush" comment, although he might feel it's harmless.

 

Forgive me for saying this (because you know I'm the same way you are!!), but it seems like it's been one problem after another ever since you guys started talking again. You really DON'T trust him, half because of things he's done in the past, and half because of your own issues. I can't recall that there's been a single day when you weren't worried about one issue or another. You expend a huge amount of thought and energy into working on the relationship (and also working on yourself), while he seems to want to just get along and be happy. You're thinking about the future and where this is headed (and worrying about it), and he's just taking it as it comes. A lot of that is just the difference between men and women. You're being a typical woman in a lot of ways, and he's being a typical man. But if either of you were slightly different (if you were less anxious, if he were less defensive and more accomodating), this thing would be going a whole lot smoother. You've both made minor changes, but at the core, you're both still who you've always been.

 

I think the Facebook-adding issue is just a symptom rather than the disease, so to speak. If he added you back, I have little doubt that you would be worried about something else within a day or two. I think you would probably agree if you reflect back on the past 5 or 6 weeks and think about the various issues that have arisen on your end. You will find something to worry about, and it will all feel very real and valid to you.

 

I hope I'm not sounding harsh! Because again, you know I'm the same way, and I have been in your shoes. I know exactly how you feel. I think all of us here are just pointing out what we see, because it's harder to see when you're in it. We're just trying to offer you clarity from an outside perspective.

 

Circling back to what I said in the beginning, I don't know that there is a "right" and a "wrong" here. You and he are different people, and you both have your own set of boundaries and issues and wants and needs. Yours and his are clashing in a lot of ways, leaving it difficult to resolve the core issues of trust and communication. You're both trying, you both want this, but you're each seeing things almost solely from your own side.

 

I wish I knew the solution. I think couples counseling would be the most effective route. It sounds like he would be willing.

 

Try not to be so hard on yourself in the meantime. I was always really hard on myself, too. I went back and forth between feeling upset and angry and sure I had valid reasons for it, to feeling guilty and needy and wishing I hadn't gotten so upset. I know from experience that this worrying and anxiety you feel is something that is extremely difficult to control. And I know it's confusing, because you become unsure if it's "his fault" or "your fault." But it's not that black and white, and goes back to having a different set of boundaries and relationship ideals and such. I think a counselor could help you both meet in the middle.

 

Part of me wants to delete this and not post it, because I'm afraid it's too matter-of-fact. But I'll go ahead and post it and just hope that you know that nothing I'm saying is with any criticism, neither towards you or him. At the moment, I'm trying to look more at the core issues rather than the specific worries, because I think that's where the solution lies. I don't know what that solution is, but I think you have to focus on the root of the problem rather than the symptoms. Sending hugs your way!!

[lostlove76]

Afterwards, we went shopping and then went to dinner. There was a lot of conversation about how I was feeling. He also spoke more about how he feels.

 

Oh, I meant to ask... what did he say about how he feels??

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove, thank you for writing. I was hoping you'd be here because you understand me very well and everything you wrote is what I believe to be the "root" of the problem.

 

Since we have gotten back together, I do see how I have found one thing after the next to pick apart. I've started to become very anxious constantly about one issue after the next regardless of the size, big or small. I came back into this with a broader perspective, wanting to take things slow. That was the key to making sure we move cautiously. I am pretty much here like a live in girlfriend. With the amount of time we spend together, I forgot it has only been 4 weeks since I started seeing him again. It's too soon to be implementing and pressuring for things like re-adding me on Facebook. I have no patience whatsoever. It was only days ago that you and I spoke about this and you advised me to leave it off the table for now. I agreed and I still went ahead and tried to ease my anxiety by trying to push him once again. I do think he would eventually add me once a few months went by and things were moving smoothly. I made a huge deal of it today. My feelings are still very hurt by it and I don't agree with it at all.

 

When him and I spoke about it again, he basically explained exactly what you stated above, that we have broken up and gotten back together so many times, he also spoke about it being an issue in the past, and that he feels it's too soon. He made a few other reasons which I believe were not as significant, but those 3 reasons which he explained after the initial conversation were legitimate and significant to me. It is a statement to me. I feel very hurt by it but it is also an indication to me that I need to take a step back. I spend the night here every night other than when he is out of town. I didn't even realize this until I sat here and thought about it earlier. I have to stop spending the night here. It's not good for me or the relationship because I am losing sight of things. In order for me to form new habits and for things to go smoothly between him and I, I need to limit the amount of nights I spend here. I need to spend more time working on myself and more time reflecting on where we are as far as progress.

 

I think you're absolutely correct that I am thinking about the future, hence the anxiety, and he is living in the moment. He actually said this to me today. That I should live in the moment and have faith. Having faith is something that has been screaming at me all week. My therapist spoke about it, the priest from church last week spoke about it, and now him. This to me was a huge bulletin. He is just dealing with things as they come and I feel really guilty for bringing up things one after the next with him. He has been very patient and understanding. He is standing right beside me and is catering to my feelings. We literally spoke about this Facebook things throughout the whole day because I was so upset about it. Finally when he made me leave the house, my mood changed but I was still upset and we were talking about iour feelings. I have no choice but to accept what he is saying, even if I don't agree with it. I would like for him to re-add me so it's one less thing I have to worry about. I wouldn't even waste my time picking apart anything on his Facebook nor would I bring up anything about his commenting and such. I've already seen everything anyway. It's just the statement he is making that is really bothering me. He is hiding our relationship and it seems that is the way it's going to stay. I am most likely going to try to bury this, but it will turn into resentment and will create a problem once again in the future. That is how much it bothered me.

 

I think my goal is to take a step back for myself and for him. I need to let him rest from my drama for a little while. I know he wants me around. Anytime I leave he calls or texts to ask when I'm coming back. i know he misses me when I'm not around just like I miss him, but I don't want to pressure him and I know this creates anxiety for him also to be dealing with problem after problem. I don't think he sees all the other things as problems, but I'm sure he sees my shift in moods. He is still affected regardless of if I make an issue of it or not. I think this Facebook thing was the first real disagreement he has had to deal with. Other than that, it is only you guys who have heard about all the little issues I've been worrying about one after the next. I want to protect him from anymore of my worrying and anxiety for a little while because I know it will affect the relationship and if I want to save it, I will do what's best. I dont know how he will react to me not spending the night. I think he will be a bit angry about it, but I have to do what's best. I also think there is an element of control here on his behalf. This is his way of controlling the situation. My mom has always maintained that she thinks he is a bit controlling and this Facebook issue is apart of that. I never wanted to see him that way. He is a my way or no way type of person. I don't believe he is doing anything wrong. I don't believe he is talking to anyone else. I don't believe he is even thinking of cheating right now. I think I will eventually push him to the point where he will get frustrated with me and will walk away again. That is why I need to take a step back from this. I can feel myself falling right back into the unhealthy cycle we were in before. He has been amazing to me lately. I don't agree with the Facebook thing and I probably will never. I would hope he would reconsider in time because I don't agree it is something he should be hiding from me. Even writing about it right now, I am on the verge of tears. I think it's just something I need to accept. I need to be patient with him and with myself and with the entire process of this reconciliation thing. We are not in a safe zone.

 

Do you think I would be making the right decision to take a step back from this point? I know the answer is probably obvious, but I guess I need confirmation. Do you think us spending more time apart will cause me more anxiety and tension between us? I know the more time I am alone, I worry more about all these little issues. I wish I could adopt his way of thinking. I wish I could learn to remind myself to let go and allow things to fall where they may, to focus on here and now....to enjoy life. I'm forgetting about all of those things. I am not going g to get anywhere with him and with this relationship, if I continue to worry myself sick over all these stupid little things. the comment he made on the woman's page doesn't sit well with me and I didn't say anything about it, but it was what triggered me to ask him to re-add me. I need to let it go. I can't push anymore about it and so I need to do what's best for us as I recognize things are going in an unhealthy direction. I know from his perspective, he doesn't know the anxiety and worry I experience over all these things, most of it he doesn't even have a clue about and that is why he said he doesn't think we have any problems, but for me, it has been one issue after the next. I think that is why everyone here feels like things are all wrong. I literally document every single worry whether I bring it to light or not.

 

I shed a lot of tears today I was emotionally drained by the time we came home. I'm sure he was too. I feel guilty. Very guilty. I need to give him a little break from me. I think I need to remain polite and keep things light between us. I know you said I shouldn't beat myself up, but I'm not very fond of my behavior. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to be upset with me. I don't want him to think negatively about me.i don't want to pressure him. I'm just trying to do the right thing. I feel really emotional. I can't go back to sleep like this.

 

How are things with you? Are you doing ok? I hope you're well and I hope you enjoy the remainder of the weekend. Lostlove, thank you again for always being here for me.

[Clarisse]

Faith is the child of trust. Trust and respect are the bedrock of a healthy relationship.

 

Without it, one is just living in a house of cards.

 

This is so true.

[Ksol9]

I should add that he blocked me on Facebook. I'm laying next to a man who I'm in a relationship with. I feel like he is treating me like we are adversaries. These are all very clear statements to me.. I am very uncomfortable. If he treats the relationship like it's a dysfunctional one, then that is what it will become again. I went back promising myself I'd never mistreat him and I don't feel that I have in the 4 weeks we have been seeing eachother. I don't think anyone can make me see this differently. He is hurting my feelings and I feel it is intentional. I don't know what I should do or how to handle this, but I think the best thing for me to do is put some space and time between us. It doesn't make sense discussing this anymore. We were not fighting at all, but I don't want to make matters worse. I'm interested in hearing what my therapist has to say and what he would suggest as I'm very uneasy about this inside.

[Ms Darcy]

It's embarrassing to put relationships on Facebook and then remove them after a breakup. I didn't connect with my husband until we were engaged (even though he really wanted to) and there was no drama.

 

Also, have you told him you are monitoring his online activities? If not, I think that's lying by omission when you are saying you are being completely transparent. Maybe I missed it.

[Ms Darcy]

Oh and I think you are making the right decision to take a step back but I think you are doing it for the wrong reasons. It seems like you are exerting control and punishing him versus recognizing without hurt that the relationship is not yet a relationship.

 

Hopefully slowing down and therapy with both of you can help.

 

I know others would disagree, but all talking about one's feelings and hurts all day is too much for ANY man. I feel like I said something similar before he ended it. Be very careful. There are studies that show relationship drama is far more detrimental to men (their heart rate goes up way more than women's during a disagreement). So, he might look fine but he's actually not as capable as handling that as you would be.

[Ksol9]

Oh and I think you are making the right decision to take a step back but I think you are doing it for the wrong reasons. It seems like you are exerting control and punishing him versus recognizing without hurt that the relationship is not yet a relationship.

 

Hopefully slowing down and therapy with both of you can help.

 

I know others would disagree, but all talking about one's feelings and hurts all day is too much for ANY man. I feel like I said something similar before he ended it. Be very careful. There are studies that show relationship drama is far more detrimental to men (their heart rate goes up way more than women's during a disagreement). So, he might look fine but he's actually not as capable as handling that as you would be.

 

 

Thank you for posting this Ms. Darcy. It will serve as a reminder as I go about my day. I am still upset, but I don't want to continue to stress him over this. I don't think he can handle this type of stress or attitude throughout the day. I will tread carefullly. Again thank you for this reminder.

 

Also, the Facebook issue was what made me realize I was moving too quickly with him. I am hurt but I am not doing it as a form of control or to punish. I don't want to hurt him, so I do need to sort myself out to make sure I am not doing it because I feel slighted by his decision not to re-add me. He has a huge job to do out of town. He is going with some co workers on Tuesday morning and will probably be gone for the remainder of the week. This is probably good timing. I need some space because I am pretty upset still. I think it will give me some time to sort out my emotions and when he comes back I'll be in order. When he comes back, I don't plan to be spending the night during the week. The weekends are ok. That was my original plan when we first started spending time together and with a blink of an eye, I was there almost every night.

 

Also, I did tell him I was looking at his page publicly. I was not completely honest. I don't think it is wrong if he was waiting to re-add until our relationship was in a healthier place or if we reach an engagement, but he blantently said never. I do think it is too soon and I seem to be quick to forget it has only been 4 weeks. I don't want to pressure or push him. Going to Put myself in check until he heads out of town on Tuesday morning.

[Ksol9]

Also, I think Im ok with saying this is not yet a relationship. Everything I've been experiencing since getting back together with him goes to show you how I require things that are definitive. If not, I am anxious and uneasy. I am impatient. I want to know everything right now. I want everything to be in place now. This is not going to work that way. The sooner I realize that, the smoother things will go. The way we are spending time with eachother feels like a relationship to me, so I am confused in that sense. I think when everyone speaks of reaching reconciliation or that we are not yet in a relationship, you mean that not enough time has passed to say we have worked toward a healthier place..where we could actually say we have moved on from the break up? Is it too soon to label it a relationship? Maybe I'm confused as to what we are because we jumped right back into spending a great deal of time together. I'm basically almost living there again.

[figureitout23]

I created an account just to give feedback. I have been following this story for weeks and just recently caught up. I am not a troll but I am going to be blunt so please hear me out. I remember reading some pages earlier on with ksol and lostlove and recognizing the unhealthy habits being learned and the almost codependent relationship happening between you two. It reminded me of a story on dr phill about the anorexic sisters, they sort of fed off one another but not in a healthy way. You both have some codependency issues when it comes to relationships, I recognize it because I do too! Because of that you both kind of kept each other from moving forward. Ksol I think unfortunately you weren't actually working on yourself during your times apart even though you told him you were. On the contrary, you were here day in day out stuck on him, thinking about him, focusing on him.

 

I went through something very similar except my situation involved abuse unfortunately. In my eyes your relationship took a huge hit after the first breakup. This is simply going by what you posted. I don't know your dynamic before that but it seemed your anxiety and fear of losing him started at that time. If the reader can feel your fear of losing him through your words... trust me, your boyfriend knows it. I could be wrong but I sense a power play going on here between you two. Yes, I think you are guilty of doing it to him, but he is doing it to you right now and it's wrong. I'm actually shocked that so many posters who typically give amazing advise aren't seeing this. It's one thing to not want you on his Facebook, but come on guys he blocked her! That's not only discounting her feelings that's pouring salt in the wound because he can, because he knows you're not going anywhere. He got caught doing something he should not have been doing with another woman but ksol, you were the one desperate to get him back! And let's be honest, he didn't have to do much of anything to get you back. He knows now, you will forgive him. He's not afraid of losing you in the least because he knows you will come back. Meanwhile, you're on pins and needles because you know that your actions could potentially send him packing. That's why when you got back together again this time I knew it was going to be a struggle for you. Your relationship is completely unbalanced right now and until you get through your anxiety and fear of losing him you are going to be miserable. You're doing something so similar to what I did with my ex husband. He'd leave, I'd panic and be in misery until he came back, he'd always come back, always and each time I forgave him I lost more and more of my self respect and honestly once he was back and everything was 'in my control' again, I was pissed! I was able to see the world without the fear and anxiety and I was resentful and hurt. I sense you go through a similar cycle. You guys need help to survive and honestly it may very well be too late, I don't know you or him so I can't say but this is not healthy and you are both guilty. It's not just you. I hope you get the help you both need and I wish you luck!

 

**sorry for typos I'm on my phone