Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

Happy Easter everyone! Today I am reflecting on the obstacles I face and overcome with faith and hard work. For those of you who are religious, Easter is proof that seeing things with eyes of faith, you can overcome any challenge in your life. Today I thought about change within myself and becoming a better person.

 

Since him and I have gotten back together, we have been to church every Sunday. I did not mention going to church today, he said we would be going this morning. This is something I admire him for. It's meaningful because we are not only strengthening our bond physically and emotionally, but spiritually as well. I have never gotten close to anyone in this way. It's a very different experience for me and I really appreciate that he and I can do something like this together. After church, he wanted to visit my parents. Something else I really appreciate. Gosh, I really need to learn to relax. Writing this all out like this makes me see he isn't doing all of this for no reason, maybe he does really care about me. Maybe he wouldn't do anything to hurt me or jeopardize what we have.

 

Lostlove, you said something in your last post that was very true. We had the issue on Wednesday and we didn't allow it to divide us. I was very afraid that it would result in how we would handle conflict previously. We certainly bounced right back and we both handled it as best as we could without disconnecting. When I think back to how I reacted, I think I freaked out. I mean that is a woman's worst nightmare, to find condoms in your significant other's overnight bag. My mind went spinning, but the way he reacted and the way he handled things, I felt inclined to trust him. Somehow, someway, I am not letting it eat me alive. I'm actually really surprised. I did think about it and it makes me want to throw up, but I have to move past it. There are moments I stop and think maybe I'm being a naive fool, but then I keep telling myself that if I don't calm down, I'm going to sabatoge my future once again.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling bummed about the whole thing. I remember feeling really uneasy on the days he wasn't online as much. I knew when he was online all day and night, it was because he was home alone. I can understand exactly how you feel. Your mind goes to worst case and your worst case is that he is riding off into the sunset with this woman. At our age, I don't think I've met many men my age or older who are single and are just running wild and want to stay that way, they all want to find someone or at least give it a shot with a suitable match. I think all relationships take their course. They all have their ups and downs and we don't know what exactly is going on with them. It doesn't seem to be broadcasted on Facebook. Do they have mutual friends? Have you seen any photos with other friends? Remember the reading you've done on the natural course of relationships. The first few months, lovers are engulfed with eachother, I believe it's called the euphoric stage. After that true colors start coming out. We don't know what is going on with them. At least with the married woman, we could tell there was trouble in horizon. I could have bet a lot of money they would not involved for very long. We know it is not an option for you to contact him. I don't know if you guys will ever cross paths again. No one really knows. Your heart is still attached to him and I think the best thing you can do for yourself in this situation is to constantly strive to find happiness, whether it be big or small. Do things that always bring you happiness. I don't know when things will get better. All I know is that I understand everything you are experiencing as I know that pain too. You're not alone and we are all here to support you.

 

I was just thinking, how were we able to bounce back so easily after what happened the other day? I wonder if I will have some difficulty throughout the week since we won't be spending quality time with eachother? He will be back to work and may even have to travel again out of town. I will be back to work and my regularly scheduled activities. I wonder if the time alone will work against me..almost like a thorn that will irritate me? I wonder if we were able to get past this in such a healthy manner because we have been treating eachother with kindness and things are still fairly new? I don't know what it is, but I think if we continue to practice these these habits, then maybe we won't ever move through conflicts as we did previously.

[UnchainedSoul]

Hey there Ksol,

 

Happy Easter! I think you shouldn't worry too much about next week right now. Just focus on how good it feels to have him back in your life. I know all about obsessive thoughts and even addiction, I am going through a phase of that myself with online relationship addiction and how toxic it can be. I think it's so wonderful that you go to church together! I would love to find a man to take me under his wing and we bond spiritually like that. Oh what a dream it would be!

 

Lostlove, I want you to know I haven't forgotten about you. I feel for you in your time of pain and need. Is the Zoloft helping at all? It may be too soon to tell, but at least you are on the right path.

 

You ladies have continued to be there for each other and it's an amazing thing to watch. I hope you will find peace with everything Ksol. You sound like you're working really hard to overcome these obstacles in your relationship. I hope through better communication and continued therapy, you can come to a place where you finally fully trust him. Remember what I was saying about time? You enforced that conclusion when you spoke about your ex, how over time you were finally able to trust him, but at the cost of putting him through the ringer. Hopefully, armed with your therapy and some new techniques, and of course your friends here, you won't put this guy through the ringer before you finally get the relationship that you want.

 

I am happy for you, I really am. I have therapy also on Tuesday so hopefully both of us gain some perspective on our personal situations. Have a great week and Happy Easter again!

[Ksol9]

Hi Unchained, so nice to hear from you. I hope you enjoyed your Easter!

 

I do think I suffer from some sort of obsessive thinking because I literally think about things that concern my relationship 24/7. If my mind goes off course, I go right back. If I have a lot going on in my life, more than usual, I feel overwhelmed. I mean I guess that sort of applies to anyone in general, life in general, but I know it's not right that I constantly think about if he is cheatig or who he is talking to or why he hasn't added me back on Facebook..things like that. I automatically turn everything into a matter of mistrust.

 

I too think that with continued support from you all here and therapy, he and I will continue to improve communication and our relationship. I know things can't always be good, but right now it's very challenging. My goal is to have progress, consistent progress with him. Maybe in time and with practice, we will be able to navigate this with ease. I'm still really sad about the things that happened a few days ago, but I can't dwell, I shouldn't.

 

Putting him through hell just so I could see he will stick around and love me regardless is not fair. We've been together now for 2 years. I feel we are stronger today than we have ever been but it's scary to think I can easily sabatoge it all with my intrusive thoughts.

 

How was your weekend? Hope all goes well with therapy on Tuesday. I always look forward to my therapy appointments. It's like a reset button for the week and it gives me something to think about. Have a great night..will chat again soon. Take care.

[Ksol9]

Good morning and happy Monday everyone!

 

I spent the night at his home last night. As I was leaving I ran into the neighbor. Very friendly, newly retired man who lives with his wife. I met him when we first moved in, so he was just catching up and said it was nice to see me back. He said he loves my bf. He said he would spend almost every evening with him in the communitythey would hang out often, and that he missed seeing him around. He joked that I was taking up all his time. He wished me a good day and I went on my way. I immediately began to think about him sleeping with someone else while we were apart. I know he wasn't seeing anyone exclusively. I don't know why I keep thinking about this. How he lied to me. Why is it that I automatically think he lied to me. I have it set in my mind that he slept with someone when he went out of town...someone random and then couldn't be honest with me. It even crosses my mind that maybe he did sleep with someone else a couple weeks ago. I wish I could make these thoughts stop. Make them go away.

 

To be honest, I woke up this morning thinking about it. I packed up all my things. I didn't leave a thing there. I said to myself..I'm moving too fast..don't move back in ksol. I began to think about how he still hasn't added me back on Facebook, him sleeping around, and the traveling. Maybe he really is hiding something. I seem to ignore all the efforts he is making to help keep us on track. It's important I don't get caught up in how sweet everything feels. I need to slow down. See how easily it is for me to look for something to plague myself with worry. I don't know how to just be happy. It's weird and I recognize it. I hate this about myself.

 

He called me when I got to the office. We spoke about what our days would consist of. We said we would talk later. I kept everything light, but deep down inside I'm feeling uneasy about everything again. Why am I this way? Why can't I be a strong woman who knows and believes this man respects and loves me. I refuse to believe he is a decent person despite his actions. I mean everyone makes mistakes and he has made some, but why do I block out the good only to focus on mistrust and doubt?

 

Today I have pilates. I'm taking a lot of deep breaths.

 

Wishing you all a great week!

[Ksol9]

Mondays are always hectic. It's expected. I got everything sorted out at work and now I am home for the remainder of the day. I'm supposed to go to pilates at 6pm today, but I'm not really feeling up for it today. I think I'm just going to take a day off and will get myself in the gym tomorrow to make up for today. I'm feeling sad because I've been thinking about all that I went through those months we were apart. It didn't matter where I went or what I did. I was thinking of him often...missing him. I doubt he went through anything close to what I went through. He may have been alone, but it seems like he was dealing just fine. I know I can't live in the past, but am I really making the right decisions now? Are things really getting better and are we working toward that or are things the same? Sometimes I just don't know.

 

His boss is in town and will be spending the night. He has a fishing trip set up for tomorrow. It's great he will be getting some time to relax and do something he loves. I will also use the opportunity to focus on self care. I want to use today and tomorrow to unwind and sort through my thoughts. The alone time will be beneficial. Therapy is tomorrow as well..so it's all good timing.

 

I knew as Monday was approaching that the week would bring me some anxiety. After everything that happened, I didn't really have any time to sit down and let it all sink in. We were together all weekend.

 

I just woke up from a long nap....

 

I'll just continue writing from here. I slept well last night. I don't know why I napped and wanted to continue napping. We went to bed fairly early last night and I didn't have to be up until 8. I guess all that matters is that I am actually getting sleep rather than not. I know it will help with my stress levels. I don't really know what it is that I'm feeling. I'm just feeling uneasy about something. I think I'm going to take a shower, put on my favorite pjs, light some scented candles, and cuddle in bed with a nice movie on.

[boltnrun]

ksol, I can see you have anxiety and worry with him AND without him.

 

I'm not sure where your "happy place" is. If you think you can search and search trying to find something to worry and be anxious about and never find a single thing, well I think that's impossible. There will ALWAYS be something you can inflate in your own mind as a cause to feel stressed and anxious. And even when you question him and he gives the "right" answers, you decide he's lying and stress out anyway!

 

I'm not sure what the answer is...are you MORE stressed and anxious with him or without him?

 

I guess I'm really confused because you really, really wanted to be back with him, but now that you have what you wanted you seem determined to find a way to ruin it for yourself.

 

I still believe finding out why you do this is key. Only then can you work on stopping this from happening again and again and again.

[Ksol9]

Good morning bolt, nice to hear from you.

 

To answer your question, I believe I am more anxious when I'm not with him. Overall I am way less anxious than I was when we were separated. For example, yesterday I had nothing, not a thing to worry about. Things were ok with us. We spoke throughout the day and even into the night yet I was thinking about what I was bothered about. I couldn't put a finger on it and it was obviously because I didn't have anything to worry about. The issue we had last Wednesday was already spoken about. I never mentioned it again. I was sitting around thinking about all the little details that go along with getting back together and how we were going to sort it out. We aren't Facebook friends...why hadn't he added me back yet?? If he was sleeping with someone..what if the woman contacts him?? He wants his children back..is he expecting me to care for them again when he goes out of town?? His traveling...he could easily cheat..would he do that to me?? All these things I was worrying about.

 

I did get a lot of sleep and some good me-time in. This is something I was never able to do before. I am making progress in that area. I am taking time for myself to reflect and to get myself in order for another day. By the end of the night, he was sending me a lot of I love yous and I miss you's. I said to myself...we spend a lot of time together. He isn't hiding anything from me from what I can tell. Why would I want to damage what we have going right now? He's falling in love with me all over again and I can feel it. All those other things I worry about will be sorted out when the time comes correct? So why am I worrying about it now?

 

I remember discussing this with my therapist. I've always been a person to want things in order and sorted out now..immediately. We have been back together about 3 weeks now. We began speaking again 4 or 5 weeks ago. It feels like we should be back to the norm, but it is still very early on in our reconciliation. I find that when I remind myself of that, it soothes me a bit. We shouldn't be jumping back into the norm. Neither of us want that. I need to form new habits, remain self aware, work hard on myself and in therapy. Maybe after consistent progress in a few months, I can say we both can be comfortable in saying we having a fighting chance to last this time.

 

I think you're absolutely right that I will always try to find something to inflate in my mind to worry about. I just want to stop this. I want it really bad. I don't want to be this way anymore. I go back and forth in my mind about just about everything. I think about what he has done in the past and I say to myself that I have reason to doubt him. That he must be playing games with me. Then I think about all the time we spend together, the type of person he is, and all that he is working toward. I think my problem is just anxieties over the future. Things are not completely fixed yet. We are working toward that. It will take time. This is what is making me feel uneasy. The process, the time in between.

 

I don't want to ruin this and I don't think he does either. I need to find out why I do these things and if I can't figure out why easily, I need to find a way to try to figure out why. At least if I am working on trying to figure out why, then I will know I'm working on it. This feels like a puzzle. Such an unsettling feeling. In the meantime, I'm not moving back in with him. I'm going to continue to be kind. No more stonewalling when I have something bothering me. Communicate. No more sweating the small stuff. Therapy and more therapy.

 

Change brings uncertainty. Uncertainty brings discomfort.

 

I'm getting a pedicure at the moment. Going to relax and read while I'm here. I'll be back later to update on therapy.

 

Hope you are well. Enjoy the remainder of you day.

[Ksol9]

Hi there. Just wanted to update on how therapy went today. This was a very interesting visit and is a turning point in my progress, I believe.

 

My therapist was prepared with questions. I started off by explaining that everything went smoothly after the incident last week. I apologized for freaking out and going into a panic. I feel guilty for pulling in those around me to help me in troubled times. Like I'm supposed to know how to deal with these things on my own, but I appreciate each and everyone of you who walked me through it. He couldn't stop praising me for how I handled it. I really do see the results. I was able to reach a conclusion and put the issue to rest. He reassured me that it will get easier in time if I continue to practice handling things in this way. Somehow his questioning led to a conclusion that we were all touching here. He connected the dots for me...

 

I've mentioned it a couple times, just lightly, about my father's gambling problem. Gambling addiction has affects just like alcohol addiction. Not exactly, but addiction is addiction. At this age, I am now seeing the affects my father's addiction has impacted my life. It is mostly triggered in relationships. I don't know if it is solely attributed to my father's addiction, but there is some sort of connection regarding my mistrust in men and my father. In my father's defense, he is an outstanding human being. I worship him and he has taught me everything I know. He has sacrificed so much for my family. There is just this one unhealthy thing about him and that is his addiction to gambling which takes up every minute of his free time. I'm really seeing how unhealthy it is now. Especially now that I live with them again. Well, basically the solution lies there somewhere and my therapist stressed that we have some work to do, but the great thing is that there has been tremendous progress in me and we have identified a starting point. Another great thing he noted with eyes wide open and eyes brows raised was my bf's suggestion that we do therapy together.

 

He went on to explain that sabatoge is something i do by searching for clues to incriminate probably because I have this idea in my mind of what i want...an honest, faithful husband, house, kids, car, etc. He asked if I consider myself controlling and I said yes. He said that I most likely try to control the situation by those behaviors which include jealousy. I try to make sure the person I'm involved with fits what I ultimately want. It makes perfect sense because I feel that if I prove them to be otherwise, they are not who I want to spend my life with nor will I marry or have children. He can't figure out if I believe I deserve happiness or not. I just know for a fact I sabatoge my relationships with this self fulfilling prophecy thing. He asked if I could let go of that control. Let go of the ideas. Have hopes and dreams, but let go and let God or he universe help me land where I am supposed to land. My answer was yes. With work, yes.

 

So that is where the answer is. It is not just one sole answer. The answer is all the things I've been working on. Self confidence, my spiritual rebirth, listening to what god is telling me, believing in love, having faith in my bf, therapy, exercise, taking a risk in love, self care...I could go on. All that I am doing, the mixture of it all, is what is helping me succeed in my relationship right now. He encouraged that things would get easier. That I would navigate conflict with ease in the future. With practice makes perfect. It seems like so much work, almost exhausting. I still have pieces of the puzzle to figure out and put together. I'm getting there guys.

 

After therapy, it normally takes a few days for everything to settle in. I know I need to always take time to slow down, to think, and to keep myself in check. I have to get the hang of this. Stopping therapy, exercise, or anything I've been working on is not an option at this point. He also gave me some tips on how to fight urges on the snooping and looking for things. I'll explain more later when I have some more time to write. I'm at the gym now.

 

Hope this helps someone on their journey to self discovery.

 

Talk later friends.

[lostlove76]

Hey guys! Ksol and Unchained, thank you both for your understanding and well wishes yesterday. Just to quickly answer your questions... They do have lots of mutual friends, with it being such a small place where they live. Everyone seems to know everyone there. I've only looked at their pages two or three times in the last couple of months, but when I looked at his a couple weeks ago, he had added her sister at some point I hate this. All of it. Like you said about the married woman, ksol, we at least figured maybe that wouldn't last because it was such a mess. But I'm sure this one will stick, and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. The Zoloft seems to maybe be helping a tiny bit with the general anxiety, but not with the depression yet. I'm on such a tiny dose to start, so it will take a while to set in. I'm so glad that I finally got started on it. I hope you're doing okay lately, Unchained. I know you've been struggling with some things as well. It's very kind of you to come here and offer so much support when you're having a hard time yourself. You seem very wise, and always offer great advice on ksol's situation. Same with bolt, and the rest of you! I enjoy reading your perspectives. I think we can all learn something from each other here, no matter how big or small.

 

I'm so glad your therapy appointment was productive, ksol. I've said this before, but he sounds like a great therapist. You're fortunate to have found a good one. I'm very interested to hear what he suggested about the snooping. Similar was discussed above, but I'll just reiterate that if you go searching, you can always find something to worry about. I know that the condoms were something tangible to be suspicious over, but even if you find nothing, you'll still find *something* to twist into a reason to distrust. That's why it's best not to look, unless you have some specific knowledge of something that you need to confirm (and even then, most people would probably advise against it). What has helped me at times in the past is just to acknowledge to myself that snooping is going to inevitably lead to increased anxiety. The feelings of jealousy and anxiety were so terrible that it made sense to avoid anything that would increase those feelings. Maybe that line of thinking would work for you, too. It becomes pretty easy when you practice NOT doing it; whereas the more you do it, the greater the urge.

 

Has your dad always had a gambling problem? Did it leave you feeling abandoned in any way? I can see how it would, if he was constantly away doing it, and if it felt like his attention was on that rather than on you as a kid. My dad has developed somewhat of a gambling problem over the past few years or so himself, going off for hours to scratch lotto tickets. Maybe not the same as what your dad does, but enough so that I can try to relate to how it felt to you. It doesn't affect me at this age, but it gets frustrating. As a kid though, perhaps it felt like he wasn't fully there for you?

 

What your therapist said about you wanting to control the situation makes sense. The unknown is scary. Knowing that things aren't entirely within your control is scary. Giving someone else the power to hurt and betray you is especially scary!!

 

I think you're definitely on the right track here with everything you've been doing. You're extremely self-aware - and becoming more so every single day - and that's always the first step. You're in therapy, you have a good support system here, you're exercising and finding other ways of self-care. You've made improvements with communicating with him rather than stonewalling or running away. You have a lot to be proud of, and I hope that you'll be patient with yourself. I know that it's exhausting and often feels like an uphill battle, but every small step is progress - and as long as you're making progress, that's good enough! I know how easy it is to be self-critical, but always remember to give yourself props for all the good things about yourself, and all the things you're working towards accomplishing. You'll get there!

[UnchainedSoul]

Hey there Ksol,

 

Excellent job on the therapy! It sounds like you are on the road to the right track. I am so proud of your progress, and the steps you are taking towards finding what causes you to obsess the way you do. I don't think you really WANT to sabotage your relationship, it just seems like you are just trying to give yourself a reason to incriminate him, because you have this overall distrust in men. I can totally relate, because as much as I love my Dad, he screwed me up royally with his alcoholism and both physical and verbal abuse when I was younger.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you lostlove for checking in on me too. I have had some really hard days in the recent weeks, and this bipolar crap never lets up. But I am happy to be here for Ksol and for you anytime I can. The Zoloft will take time, and since you are on a tiny dose right now you may not feel it right now. But the turtle gets to the end of the race, just remember that. I do hope you find some peace with your situation, I know seeing them together is hard, and one day I hope and I pray you are able to move on.

 

Hope everyone is having a great week, Happy Hump Day!

[lostlove76]

Thank you Unchained! I really appreciate your compassion.

 

I have a friend on Facebook who is bipolar. She lives in another country and we've never met; we connected through a mutual hobby on another site years ago. Anyways, I can see from her posts what a difficult time she has with the ups and downs, so I can somewhat understand what you're going through because of that. Her downs always seem to come when she's gone off her medicine. She has a wonderful and understanding boyfriend, though, who has stuck with her through all of it. I hope that you find that, too, one day... or that you at least have a support network to get you through the rough times. Sending hugs your way!

[UnchainedSoul]

Thank you Unchained! I really appreciate your compassion.

 

I have a friend on Facebook who is bipolar. She lives in another country and we've never met; we connected through a mutual hobby on another site years ago. Anyways, I can see from her posts what a difficult time she has with the ups and downs, so I can somewhat understand what you're going through because of that. Her downs always seem to come when she's gone off her medicine. She has a wonderful and understanding boyfriend, though, who has stuck with her through all of it. I hope that you find that, too, one day... or that you at least have a support network to get you through the rough times. Sending hugs your way!

 

Hey there lostlove,

 

Thanks so much for that! Bipolar is really tough, I mean I have had issues all my life and never really knew the cause of these horrible mood swings. I actually have a guy in my life who is my best friend and ex (I think I mentioned him before), that totally accepts it and helps me though. We are not together because he has issues to work through, and our sexual relationship was not good. Everything else is great though. I figure, I gotta work on myself a lot more before I try and find a boyfriend. I am just now dealing with some of my online addictions.

 

I truly hope you find peace though and that your Zoloft helps you. I am glad you made the decision to go to a doctor for some help. Sometimes we just really need to do what's best for ourselves.

 

(Sorry Ksol for hijacking your thread, hope you don't mind!)

[Nina95]

Hi Ksol and everyone. Been silently following your thread every week, Ksol (sorry to be a lurker..) Last time I had checked before today, you and your guy were doing great, going at an appropriate pace I felt, and I was really enjoying the stories of your dates and times together, made me really happy and root for you guys.

I don't have a lot more to add to be honest, to the wonderful advice you have been given from everyone here, from your therapist, your mom. I'll just concur that you really need to work on yourself and make the decision to trust, if you want this, or any other relationship, to work. Not blind trust, but don't purposefully go looking for clues that you might misinterpret or which are really not there to begin with.

 

I don't know this guy, i dont know his mind (like we kind of know yours in a way), but based on your own (very detailed and rich) description of his words and actions during this time, I refuse to believe that while he was reconciling with you, during this very new development of reconciliation (it's only been a few weeks) that has gotten you both embroiled in trying to remake and refresh and mend the relationship, a time when both of you are in an excitable stage with each other, that he has gone off to sleep around and cheat. It just doesn't make any sense.

 

I also really believe you should start looking into training your mind to refocus in other stuff, other than him and your relationship. This cam usually be achieved with constant outside activity and stimuli so as to train the mind progressively, but eventually it must become a habit and an attitude. This kind of obsessive compulsivity causes constant thoughts about the relationship, and since they are constant and compulsive, they are seldom positive. Those who are fairly content and at peace in their established relationships, dont spend so much time thinking about it ("oh we are so happy! Oh this is great") that doesn't make any sense right? So the more you focus your thought in it, the more negativity and doubt is meant to come up.

 

Refocus, reshift your mind. And be at peace.

 

I really believe he wants to make things work. You should also believe that and contribute to the cause Still rooting for you and your success, you will make it through.

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone. Sorry I haven't been around the past couple of days. I read your posts. Thank you LoveNC, Lostlove, and Unchained.

 

Things are going ok. We are still enjoying eachother's company. Our time together is filled with lots of love and laughter. I realize that he is trying to make things work with me so I am trying to remain calm and talk myself down from any insecurities that seem to trouble me. I've been focusing on being at peace.

 

Thank you LoveNC for your post. I believe it was eye opening in a sense because in reality, I too don't think it makes sense that he is playing around. Not in the midst of us trying to mend the relationship. I think we have both entered this in good faith. I'm trying so hard to do what's best for us. I am trying not to doubt him or to distrust. The thoughts are still there, but I am combating them in the best way I know how because I know they will only create problems.

 

This brings me to something that came up today....

He is out of town for the night. I was ok with it until he called me after he got out of work. He was talking about the work load out of town and the fact that they need to hire more employees. He was talking about the increased responsibility that he will soon take on out of town. He then made a comment, "My boss needs to hurry up and get me a place out here!" My heart sank. That was not the original plan. The plan was for his friend to relocate with his family. His friend would become the project manager for that region. Now it seems that my bf will be taking a larger role in the project over there and it will be permanent. He has changed his tune for what his role will be over there. Where does that leave me? I calmly explained why I was asking questions. I said that I am in a relationship with him and I am asking just to stay in the loop, so I know what to expect. I didn't tell him that my heart was pounding. I was almost in tears. Hopefully he didn't sense it. Luckily he said he would call me back as they were arriving at his hotel. I hung up and began to cry. How is this going to work for me? A house here and a house over there? I am not looking for a part time relationship. I already have major trust issues. If he was thinking of moving over there and wanted me to move, I would absolutely be open to moving, but he didn't mention a thing about that. He is talking alot of back and forth about staying here and working there. He may not even know exactly what is happening since nothing has been put into place yet, but it has just created a major anxiety and worry for me. I don't know what to say to him or if I should say anything at all right now. Right now, my initial reaction, is panic. I'm sure you all can sense it in my writing.

 

Truth is, I don't know what plans he has for us. I don't know what role he will play in this new project out of town. As it is right now, he is there 1-2 days a week. All I know is that he sounded as though this traveling thing would be more frequent and it would require him getting a place to live over there rather than staying in hotels. This is a major red flag for me and it is not what I'm looking for. I am not looking for someone to leave me here at my parent's home while he is traveling for work for days and weeks at a time. I want to build a life with someone. I immediately thought the solution is retracting and keeping my distance from him from this point forward. I don't know...maybe I'm overreacting. It's not the time to talk about this further with him as he is out of town for work. Right now, I think the best thing for me to do is calm down and breathe. I feel this is something I need to tell him though. It's concerning for me....to feel unsafe in the relationship. Worrying about if I'm going to lose him due to this traveling thing. I really don't know if I can handle him living in two places. It will change the dynamic in our relationship when we are supposed to be getting closer and planning a future together.

 

I really do believe he wants to make this work. He isn't saying all these things to me for no reason at all. I don't know if this is an issue I need to put out of my head because it will cause unnecessary issues or if I should let him know how I'm feeling about it all. This really scares me and is making me think twice about the relationship. What if I'm making a huge mistake moving forward with him without discussing these things?

[Ksol9]

Hey lostlove, I wanted to go back to respond to some of the things you touched on in a previous post.

 

How have you been feeling? I hope as each day passes your anxiety eases. I can understand your thinking as far as seeing him add her family members. You are seeing a much different type of relationship from your perspective, but perspective is just perspective. It's your point of view and that point of view is through facebook. Unfortunately it's not much to go on. What you said about the unknown being scary is so true and I remember all the unknowns when I was in complete silence. I know you hear this a lot, but try not to think about it too much. Especially now that you are trying to get your anxiety under wraps. I think once you feel some changes from the Zoloft, then you can go from there. Regardless, I totally understand what you are experiencing right now.

 

As for my dad, he has had a gambling for as long as I can remember. It was just apart of our lives. It's his hobby..his favorite pastime. The more money he made, the more he gambled. The more time he has, the more he gambles. He will often do it from home..or visit the local horse racing track. I don't know if I felt abandoned because of it. I think I'm at the surface of trying to figure out how much of an impact it had on me. I think I don't care to dig deeper, I just know my trust and control issues stemmed from there. The solution....still working on figuring that out. As you can tell, some days I am better put together than others.

 

I noticed something today. As talk of his traveling came up, it also brought up thoughts on me moving and going back to school. Where I would go to graduate school is in the same city as the new project. I think making any change triggers something within me. I freak out and I get scared. Afraid of what could happen. I need to learn to relax. When he comes home, maybe over the weekend. I'll initiate some more conversation about our future and the place he would like me to have in his life when these new changes take place. I remember prior to the breakup, all the changes...kids moving, him traveling for work, our relationship...it all scared the heck out of me. Too many changes for me to handle. I failed miserably and he couldn't handle it. No communication and then it all blew up. This time....we are committed for things not to go down the same road.

 

I still have a bit of anxiety about him being out of town. I called him earlier and they were about to find a place to eat. I need to let go and let everything fall into place. Let life take its course. All the things my therapist said in therapy about trusting that everything will fall into place is running through my head. Have trust in him. You're not living unless you trust in love.

 

Lostlove, I just remembered something my therapist told me about depression and anxiety. He said my depression was situational, but he also said that it is always last to go. Anxiety is fear of the future and depression is sadness over the past. Your heart is still holding on to him. It makes sense that the depression is still lingering. I know you'll overcome this.

[Ksol9]

Hey Unchained...thanks for writing. I really appreciate your support and help as I know you are going through your own struggles and trials. Also, thank you for recognizing my progress....all of you. It really means alot because, as lostlove said, it does feel like an uphill battle at times and some days, I don't feel like I've made much progress at all. Alot like today, alot of thing are weighing on me. I am thankful he is out of town, so I can sit with my thoughts and get a grasp on my emotions.

 

You said I have an overall distrust in men and I think this is 100% accurate. I don't know why, but hopefully I figure it out soon. It's very exhausting trying to wrack my brain searching for answers. I'll get there. Just like I believe you will get there. You have offered me some very wise advice and maybe you experienced some of what I have been through and that is why you can relate. I just can't thank you enough for supporting me. I truly need it. I don't think I could have gotten this far without the support of everyone here.

 

For some reason, today I'm feeling a little emotional. I'm feeling really sad. It could be because my menstrual cycle is nearing, my bday is tomorrow (I'm always emotional on that day), or I'm just feeling overwhelmed. Maybe it's a bit of everything. I remember my therapist telling me when I feel this way, stay clear of any discussions or decision making. Wait until I can remove the emotion or put it aside, so tonight I'm just sitting still.

 

I'm happy to have this man back in my life. I love him with every beat of my heart, but I'm scared. I'm scared of getting hurt.

 

Hope you're having a great night.

[UnchainedSoul]

Hey Ksol,

 

Before I say anything let me be the first to wish you a wonderful HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! May you have many more to come and God Bless. Now I know this is a hard thing, this new issue that has come up with him possibly getting a place out of town. Did you ever see Sex and the City? This kind of reminds me of a situation Carrie had with Mr. Big. He was moving to Paris for a year and Carrie felt left in the dark. I quote "He is moving to Paris and not once was I factor in his decision making." I think you are just hurt. Hurt that you weren't a factor in his decision to move there and his friend was not going to be the one to take over the project. Your feelings are hurt because he didn't factor in you or your relationship in making this decision to take on more responsibility. I mean I know he wants to further his career and you want to be supportive, but what happened to YOUR needs Ksol? YOUR LIFE? Why is everything revolving around HIM?

 

Look, I know you love this man and you are desperately trying to make it work, but you have to think about yourself and your future and I think you know that. You mentioned in a previous post that your initial reaction was to retract and distance yourself. You know why you had that reaction? Because YOUR needs were not even being considered. You are doing all of this for HIM, what about YOU? You're already thinking of going to school and picking up and moving to where he is and uprooting your life again for him and you are still in the beginning stages of this relationship.

 

I know you have your trust issues, and in time I am sure that all will be worked out, but you have to look at the task at hand. You need to talk to him about this and what his plans are. I know you don't want a half-way relationship, he needs to know that. He is making all these decisions and not even considering how all of this is going to affect YOU, the woman he loves. Forgive me for saying so, but that is incredibly selfish of him, career or not. When is going to sacrifice something for YOU? Don't YOU count for something? Why are YOU doing all the sacrificing and all the work? I don't know, maybe I am being harsh, but I can understand why it hurts so much and why you need to have a real talk with him about where you stand in this relationship. Your gut instinct is telling you the right things listen to it. You said an excellent question when you asked in your about post: "What if I am making a huge mistake moving forward without discussing these things first?" You're absolutely right. It is a huge mistake if you don't know what his plans for the future are.

 

Listen to your gut. You know what you have to do. Think about you Ksol. Its time to be selfish. If this man wants to be with you he has got to at least meet you half way.

 

Please be kind to yourself and enjoy your birthday tomorrow. Try not to let this kill you inside. If you need to have the conversation over the phone then have it. Whatever you need to do. Do what's best for you. Good luck, and keep us posted and again HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

 

All my love. xoxooxoox

[lostlove76]

Happy Birthday, ksol!!! I hope that you'll do something nice for yourself tomorrow, and be able to enjoy and celebrate a little. I know you're feeling down and worried, but you deserve a good birthday.

 

Real quick, let me just thank you for your comforting words. I think you're right - I think I need to try not to think about it so much. He was completely MIA online between Monday night when he would have gotten off work, and just now when he would have started night shift. He seems to get Tuesday's and Wednesday's off, but he's not usually completely offline. So I had the horrible thought earlier, what if they got married? If they did or do, it's best I don't know. At the very least, they probably took a mini-vacation since he was totally absent online. I keep comparing their supposed relationship dynamic to the one he had with me. I do need to quit thinking about it, because it hurts.

 

I completely understand how you're feeling right now with this out-of-town work situation. You're not overreacting. A part-time and/or long-distance relationship is not what you signed up for. Of course it's scary. So please don't feel like you're blowing things out of proportion or anything of the sort. You have every right to be concerned.

 

I pretty much agree with everything Unchained said, and she stated it all so well. He seems to be making his plans without asking for your input, without discussing how this will work for the two of you. But since she offered that side of things, I'll try to offer a different perspective. It's possible that he just assumes you guys will work it out. It seems we discussed here a long time ago how he was content to just fly by the seat of his pants with things, is that right? Maybe he really doesn't think more than a step or two ahead. I'm a lot like that. When I was planning on moving down to be with my ex when we were talking about it so much, I had no clue what I would do for a job, or money, or my anxiety; I was just going to take the plunge and figure it out as it came (not very smart, really). Maybe your guy is doing the same. I have no doubt that he loves you and wants to be with you. He probably just assumes it will all work itself out, and that you two will figure it out when it gets here.

 

However, that doesn't work for you. You need a plan, you need security. You need an idea of what the future holds. So I do think you need to talk to him about this. If you keep quiet, you're just going to worry and worry about it, which will make you feel insecure, which will eventually come out in other ways (snooping, distancing, or picking a fight). Communication has always been a problem, and now is the time to work on that. I have every faith that you can bring it up in a calm, reasonable manner. Just express your feelings; there's nothing wrong with that. He has a tendency to get stressed and defensive, so if he does, just remain calm and realize that he'll probably speak with you calmly about it once he has a chance to process it. You did a really good job with the podcast and condom issues, so do the same thing here.

 

Then once you have the discussion and have better knowledge of what to expect, you'll have to decide if that works for you. I don't think you could handle, nor would you want, something that is half-time. Consider all options - traveling back and forth with him, going to school there, moving there, etc. See if something can be worked out, and how much compromise he's willing to make. But like Unchained said, put your needs first, or at least EQUAL to his.

 

We'll talk about it more and work you through this. For now, try to have a good day tomorrow. Happy Birthday again!!! Hugs.

[Ksol9]

Thank you unchained and lostlove. Thank you for the birthday wishes and again for your support.

 

I think that you are right that what bothered me the most was that he didn't take into account how it would affect our relationship. In his defense, he doesn't have any specifics or knows exactly what is happening just yet, but the fact that this is being talked about has me feeling very uneasy. Is he just thinking that I'm going to live my life the way it is right now? My reason for saying that id go back to school is something for myself. It's something I can do to further my education and maybe even get back into my field of work. Those are things that have just been floating around in my mind. I think it just hurt that he assumes we can withstand something like that and maybe we can. Maybe he knows everything will be ok, but I am not at that point just yet to handle things like that. I need to have a conversation with him about it. I'm going to let it all just sink in for a few days and then Ill bring it up over the weekend.

 

I spoke to him around midnight before I went to bed. We had a nice short conversation. They had gotten food to go and went back to their hotel. He had been drinking. His co worker was drunk and I could hear him yelling my name in the background. I thought to myself...maybe this is just the life he wants to live.y therapist told me I shouldn't see anything wrong with him having a night away which includes dinner and drinks with friends. Healthy relationships include friendships outside of the relationship. I agree, but there have been things that have happened in the past that make me feel this way. He has walked away from me very easily in the past and has thrown our relationship away without a care. It's hard for me not to feel afraid that he could do that again. Granted we are building trust and a better, stronger relationship this time. I wanted to mention something I saw on Facebook earlier. Under a photo of a woman who is from out of state he wrote the word "kush". Don't know the meaning, don't care. She is a mutual friend of his cousin. She was in a serious relationship, but by recent comments you can see they are having trouble and may have even broke up. I'm assuming the comment was made to fish for attention. The picture was of herself. since we've gotten back together, he has deleted most of the women he added while we were apart. Haven't seen him write anything inappropriate..not even a like. His bevavior on Facebook has been spotless and extremely respectful of our relationship,...Until tonight. I don't know what the comment was about, but to me it was him fishing for attention from her. He's disrespectful and I'm assuming he's tipsy or drunk, but still it's disrespectful. He doesn't think I can see this. These are all the reasons I assume he doesn't want me to be on his Facebook. I think the worst and things like this solidify my thinking. It's just everything going on as a whole. If you guys remember I had another issue with Facebook earlier on. I made a huge deal of it and then realized months later, I overreacted. Not this time. There's a time and a place and I'll handle it in a much better manner this time. I am very uncomfortable that he hadn't added me back on Facebook and I've left it off the table because things were so new, but...he can be an idiot for sure. Men do stupid things and of course I'm sitting here thinking that if he can do things like this on Facebook out of boredom, drunk while in a hotel room, he'll do it in real life.

 

About the traveling for work, lostlove I think what you said makes sense. I'm not sure if you remember, but when this new project came up months ago, he initially told me we would "wing it"...that I'd travel with him if I had to. I don't wing things. That's not how I live my life. If I thought this was something that wouldn't impact our relationship. If he wouldn't be gone for a day or two, then it wouldn't be any different than it is now, but it seems to require more than just one overnight stay if they would be getting him a home over there. I'm assuming getting a home is to save on hotel expenses. I do think he doesn't think it will affect the relationship. He's just going along not thinking this may change things for us and will just deal with it if and when it does. It is selfish of him. I've had some time to sit and think. Since it's my birthday, I won't bring anything up at all. Illl leave it for the weekend.

 

Everything feels like it's weighing on my chest right now. There was also some text fighting going on with him and the mother of his children. He forwarded me the text messsages and that had me upset as well. I'm not upset with him about that, but it's all challenges that we are facing within the relationship. Anything he goes through I go through as well. The Facebook thing, the traveling, the children's mom, and him being out of town just made it a difficult night.

 

Thank you for helping me through this. I need the support. If I didn't have you all, I would be acting out irrationally, on emotion, and we all know what that will create. It's best I sit on these thoughts and communicate effectively with him when he gets back.

 

Hope everyone has a wonderful day.

[boltnrun]

Happy birthday ksol.

 

I have no idea if this is what he meant, but "kush" is a slang term for marijuana. I'm not sure if he smokes pot, but I've seen and heard that term being used.

[Ksol9]

Happy birthday ksol.

 

I have no idea if this is what he meant, but "kush" is a slang term for marijuana. I'm not sure if he smokes pot, but I've seen and heard that term being used.

 

 

Thank you bolt.

 

I actually had to google the term. I've heard it before. I saw that it is a slang term for marijuana, but why would he write that under her photo. I still think it was inappropriate. He seems to just be fishing for attention. Maybe to see if she would say anything to him. It just rubbed me the wrong way. Just as it did the time I looked through the search history and found him searching other women. It's pretty much the same thing to me...inappropriate behavior on Facebook. It's disrespectful to me. He wouldn't like it if I did that. I've decided I'm not going to say anything to him about it. It is going to cause a problem, plus he's going to want to know how i saw it. I'd like him to re-add me. I haven't pushed for it because things were so new, but at this point I really think he just doesn't want to add me because he wants to be able to do things like that and not worry about the backlash from me. If he doesn't have any reservations about our relationship and knows that he wants to continue a relationship with me, then there isn't any reason we should not be friends on Facebook. I am not a side girlfriend. I don't need to monitor him. It's just the action and I think it will be one last thing that is lingering in my mind to be honest. I have not seen him do a single thing that was inappropriate since we got back together. This was the first time. You would think that if we were trying to mend things, knowing we have had issues with Facebook in the past, he wouldn't do such a thing. I won't make excuses about them drinking either. It bothered me. I've learned that I have to handle things differently, so this time I won't fly off the handle about it. As I'm typing, it should so silly because it's just Facebook. We have far bigger things to sort out in order for things to work.

 

I'm still confused as to why he'd write that under her photo. He doesn't smoke marijuana.

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone. I had a wonderful birthday. Went out to dinner with my parents and boyfriend. We had a wonderful time. It was filled with a lot of laughter and love. I'd like to explain more about my day, but something happened this morning that has me very emotional. I just need to get my thoughts out.

 

As we were laying in bed this morning, he got on Facebook. I said to him that I would like for him to re-add me. I said if there were no hesitations in mind about our relationship, there was no reason for us not to be friends on Facebook. He blatantly told me no! I became upset. I said that it was a statement he made by that. I felt like he was hiding our relationship, maybe that he was ashamed. I said the action alone makes me feel horrible as though I am some sort of side relationship or something. I feel very strongly about this. I was in tears and it wouldn't stop. I'm still in tears. I'm very hurt by what he said. He said I had him blocked for so long and now he feels without Facebook, our relationship is ten times better. I feel he is hiding things for me. Any point he made was not valid at all.

 

It is not limitations like Facebook that has made our relationship better. It is the change in actions, the better communication, the work we are both doing that is making it better. Him blatantly saying he will not re-add me, Just made Facebook a major problem. I don't understand why he is hiding this from me and I don't think any explanation will be ok with me. I don't like how it makes me feel that he is hiding it and that isn't going to change. I am not going to mistreat him and I didn't at all this morning. I told him everything I needed to say. I was open and honest, but I feel it is best I keep my distance. I shouldn't be spending all this time with him when he has to place limitations on our relationship. He can't control the relationship by something like this and in my mind, that is only making a larger problem. I have gone into this being open and honest...and fair. I am not hiding anything. I am not using anything as leverage to make sure the relationship works. I am doing real hard work to change. I don't feel I am getting that in return from Jonathan all. I feel so strongly about this. I don't know how else to explain it. He wants this to be private and I am not ok with that all. I know it's just Facebook, but this Facebook has now become a major problem for me.

 

I don't know what to do from here. I'm trying to communicate with him and he receptive and is responding, but I am hurt and he knows it. I don't know what is the solution to this, but I don't feel comfortable at all and I don't think giving it some time will help. This is something that has been on my mind for quite some time, I've brought it to his attention a few times and he hasn't responded. I'm very emotional about it...more than I thought I would be. I think the reason for my tears is because I know his reasons are not legitimate. That is not the reason our relationship is in better shape. Facebook was a problem in the past because he has done things to create some of our problems. Some of my trust issues are absolutely legitimate due to his bad decisions. you make good on your bad decisions, by doing the right thing and making good decisions in future. Not by eliminating Facebook so I don't see your bad actions. That just tells me he is still making those bad decisions and is just hiding it from me. I don't know if I'm even making sense here, but I just don't know what to do.

 

Even if I spend the rest of the weekend with him, I'm unhappy about this and it's going to show. I'm really sad and on the verge of tears.

[UnchainedSoul]

Hey Ksol,

 

I just wanted to say that I am glad that you had such a wonderful birthday. I know you are upset and you have every right to be. To be honest, with him saying that "without Facebook your relationship is better," is just not good enough. If he really wants to make the relationship better he would get rid of Facebook, just like you did in the past. Point blank. I have no input on this because I personally don't have Facebook anymore and I am not on there. I mean I have Twitter account that I sometimes fool around with but I haven't been on there in ages either. I guess I am not really a social media person. I don't like his reasoning and I am sorry you're so upset.

 

I know you don't want to ruin things, but there is so much going wrong now. Again, if he says the relationship is better without Facebook, then you both should get off of there. Just my opinion. I really don't have anymore to add but just stay calm, and try to clear your mind of this so you can get through the weekend. You have other things to discuss like his plans for moving and all that. It just seems like a lot. Take your time and just relax. Gentle hugs, and sorry I wasn't much help. You will get through this.

[Ksol9]

Hey Ksol,

 

I just wanted to say that I am glad that you had such a wonderful birthday. I know you are upset and you have every right to be. To be honest, with him saying that "without Facebook your relationship is better," is just not good enough. If he really wants to make the relationship better he would get rid of Facebook, just like you did in the past. Point blank. I have no input on this because I personally don't have Facebook anymore and I am not on there. I mean I have Twitter account that I sometimes fool around with but I haven't been on there in ages either. I guess I am not really a social media person. I don't like his reasoning and I am sorry you're so upset.

 

I know you don't want to ruin things, but there is so much going wrong now. Again, if he says the relationship is better without Facebook, then you both should get off of there. Just my opinion. I really don't have anymore to add but just stay calm, and try to clear your mind of this so you can get through the weekend. You have other things to discuss like his plans for moving and all that. It just seems like a lot. Take your time and just relax. Gentle hugs, and sorry I wasn't much help. You will get through this.

 

Thank you Unchained.

 

After I ran some errands this morning, I went to see my mom. I told her about our discussion this morning and she had the same reaction as you did. She finds it very strange. I'm still really upset and hurt. My feelings were very hurt. I am questioning his intentions here. I have been very transparent with him about my life. He is around my family all the time. I do not hide our relationship from social media. I don't want this to create resentment or a problem, but it will. I have no problem telling him so. I'm hurt and I don't think there is a way for me to put it aside. I don't believe he is hiding anything ..as you all know I am able to see his activity online, but just the action that he does not want to re-add me is not ok. My mother said the same thing you said, if he believes Facebook was a problem previously and without it, the relationship is better, then we both should not have social media accounts period. I think this is just craziness. I'm so hurt because he is hiding our relationship for whatever reason. I honestly think a big part of why he is doing this is because he believes I had him blocked for those months I did not have social media. That seemed to be the most bother to him.

 

Love does not hurt the other person. He knows how much this hurt my feelings. I don't know what will come out of this but im pretty sure it will create a problem in the long run. I can try to go about my days spending time with him as usual, but I can guarantee this is going to have an impact on my behavior. I'm only human. I don't know what to say or do here, but I think it's best I put the breaks on as I am not sure of his hesitation. I have been spending the night with him almost every night. I think I need to take a step back and he needs to have some time to himself to think about this. I'm going to try to get through the weekend. I don't know how him and I are going to get closer when there are things like this between us. I can't wait to discuss this with my therapist. If one person can tell me I am being unreasonable or that I shouldn't be hurt, I will re-evaluate my emotions. That is how strongly I feel about this. His reasons are craziness. They aren't valid at all.

 

I'm going to relax for a little bit at my parents house, just to let my emotions settle. Then I will head back over to his house. I'm still on the verge of tears, but there isn't anything I can do. I can't kick and scream just because he doesn't care about my feelings.

 

 

Thank you for everything unchained. I hope you're doing ok today. Enjoy your day.

[UnchainedSoul]

Hey there Ksol,

 

Your mother is a very wise woman. I have to say it again, his reasons don't make sense because if the relationship was better without social media then you both need to get off of there. All you really need is each other anyway. If you need friends, your real life ones are there that you both obviously have, so what's the need for this social media crap anyway? I wish it was older times, when you just had one phone, one answering machine, and people met in real life. I guess times have changed.

 

This is very hurtful I know. I don't know how you will get past this either, and knowing how defensive he is, I don't think you can hide it. You are spending a lot of time together and I know that's what you want so retreating from him will just anger him I think. The best thing you can do is bring it up, tell him what your mom said about Facebook, and that his reasons don't make sense. Be honest, i mean that's all you can do. I do hope you have a good weekend though. Try and make the best of it, I know that's hard because you have all this on your shoulders, but see if you can come up with some sort of resolution with him.

 

As for me, I am alright. My best friend is out of town, so I am on my own most of the day. I am going to kick back, read, watch some movies, and just hang out and take it easy. Oh I made a painting yesterday I am going to try and attach here. Tell me what you think!