Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

Thank you unchained and lostlove. I really can't sleep. I close my eyes and tears are coming. My therapist said the same..to rest and worry about my next course of action in the morning. I just can't sleep.

 

I honestly think I could put it aside...the fact that he slept with other people during our time apart. My worry is if the relationship has ended or if it is now a secret. My fear is that he goes to see this person when out of town. What if it wasn't just a random hookup? This is something I'd have to communicate to him and how do I do so when he says over and over he has never been with anyone else? I just don't see this getting better without us talking more about it. My therapist kept saying that I'm a very intuitive person and that I should trust what I feel deep down inside. Problem is I don't know what exactly I feel. My initial thought and what I still feel deep down inside is that he was sleeping with someone before I came back. Men don't buy condoms without intention. I know they were there because there was someone he was going to sleep with. The question of if he cheated is there...it's not going anywhere.

 

I just remembered something..he kept saying I was being negative. That I need to change my thoughts. I was being negative because I was talking about it over and over.

 

I have a feeling he is going to keep his distance from me. He may text, but I don't think he will initiate any conversation with me. He wants me to put this aside and for us to move forward. i am at my sisters house. I will most likely be here until Friday. I believe he will be going home tomorrow. I don't think I'll hear much from him. He will most likely wait for me to contact. I would like to gather my thoughts. Most of what we discussed here is everything I would need to speak to him about. I want to tell him that I believe he is not telling me he slept with someone else while we were apart to protect me and the relationship. I want to explain that I fear the relationship with whoever is not over or is a secret and that I worry it will happen when out of town. I want to explain that I'm most hurt that he would choose to lie.

 

Lostlove, what you explained about the events that took place is accurate. He saw me sitting in my car on the phone and this is what made him decide to leave town. I believe things would have escalated regardless because neither of us was in a position to resolve the matter at that moment.

 

Unchained, I am going to try to rest. I truly appreciate your help. All of you. I so need your support. I have so much going through my mind and I just want to get myself in order now. Maybe I don't know anything right now because of my emotions.

[Ksol9]

This feels like a nightmare. I woke up feeling frightened, like I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe I found those condoms. What if he cheated on me? I can't even believe he actually told me he has never slept with anyone else. Am I supposed to believe that? There's comdoms in the bag with an open box, 2 missing. I don't know if I should be offended and mad for him trying to make me believe he didn't use them.

 

I think I'm going to feel a ton worse than I did yesterday. I was in shock last night. I slept for a few hours and I woke up feeling terrible. Just like the email, I couldn't believe he would do such a thing. What if I am dealing with a man who cheats? What if he is a cheater? I found condoms what more proof do I need than that? When he went out of town last week, he called me the whole time. I went out to grab some drinks with my friend, he called and was texting. When I left the bar, we spoke on the phone. We talked until 12:30 am and then I assumed he went to sleep because they had work the next morning. How would he find the time to cheat in a shared hotel room? And then the next day he was on the phone with me continuously after work until he got home...how could he do such a thing? He has to be aware that I am now thinking even worse of him. I told him directly that I thought him leaving last night was the worst thing he could have done when we were going through this problem. I even said it is running across my mind that he is with someone else over there. He didn't even call me last night. He sent a text asking how I was and said they were getting food to go. Didn't he realize what was going through my mind and if this is what is going through my mind now, how am I going to feel any time he does go out of town?

 

I can't seem to get my thoughts together. How can I form a conclusion on what I think that happened and then make peace with that? for example the email, I spoke to the married woman and I also found comments and posts she was posting on Facebook that same night after I had spoken to him on the phone. It was very likely she didn't go to his hotel room to sleep with him. I felt that I could live with the email and even his intention. He said he made a mistake and was sorry. Not good enough and there isn't an excuse, but I chose to live with it. These condoms now..we were talking throughout the night until around 12:30am. I don't know why a woman would come there after that time, unless it was just for sex and then leave early in the am. We spoke early the following day. Is it likely he cheated, maybe not..but it's possible. Maybe I'm just on high alert right now. I've had little to no sleep and I haven't eaten anything all day yesterday. I desperately need to figure something out with this. I think I know I want to stay. I don't want to end the relationship and walk away. Just not sure if that is a foolish decision when I found condoms with an open box right in my face. Furthermore, his explanation is that he never used them. That makes it even worse. Had he said he slept with someone before I came back, it would make sense and I'd have some peace of mind. Because he said he never used any and there are 2 missing, what in the world is he asking me to believe??? I hope he wakes up this morning realizing how ridiculous that looks and sounds. I don't expect to hear from him and I don't know if I should be reaching out to keep communication open until I get back home. How do I sent a simple text ignoring the fact I feel like he lied to me just to keep communication open until I get back?? Maybe I should just suck everything up and if he doesn't contact, stay in silence until I get back on Friday?

 

You know after this happened yesterday, he immediately became cold toward me. No i love you, no nothing. I know he feels like I am doubting him. He said I don't believe him regardless, but what is he behaving this way? Maybe it's best we take a little time out from eachother? This happened and it has caused damage. Things are not going back to the way they were. We were like 2 new lovebirds in love. Am I foolish to believe things are going back to that? Not a chance. I will be afraid to be open and affectionate with him and he is going to sense that and distance himself.

 

Still just as confused and fragile as yesterday.

[Ksol9]

I'm sorry I'm flooding the thread with posts.

 

I'm rehearsing all that he said yesterday. We were driving back to the house and he was telling me while we were apart, all he kept thinking abiut was what he was going to do with his life. His children were gone, I was gone, he was alone. He said he spent a lot of time home thinking about what he was going to do and what he wanted. He said over and over he didn't have time for women. He said over and over he didn't have sex and that it wasn't something on his mind. He asked me why that was so hard for me to believe. He said that I am so used to other kinds of men that I can't find it in me to believe he is different, that he isn't that type of man. He said he had condoms just to be prepared, in case something happened. He said he would never be going to church, would never have me back in his life if his intentions were to have women on the side or to be sleeping around. He doesn't want that kind of life. He said he could easily be single and live how he wanted to live if that was on his mind. He wouldn't have to deal with me. He kept saying he is an honest person. He also explained (which he has said the same I n the past when we had problems and longer periods of no physical intimacy) sex to him is emotional. He said he has to feel a connection. (I literally have one hand on my head..who would believe that load of crap?!) I put the email incident behind me, I really did. I felt I was getting to a place I could trust him fully. I know I was looking through the bag as a symptom of mistrust, but I truly felt better than I ever have about him.

 

I want to believe him. I really do, but how can I when I don't know what to believe? I'm so confused. I don't know what is right or wrong, what is truth and what is a lie. This is the sort of stuff people have to deal with being in an on and off relationship. One or both people sleep around while apart and things get messy. I would like to believe he didn't sleep with anyone else while we were apart especially with him telling me so, but finding those condoms leads me to believe a whole set of others issues. If he did sleep around with other people, ok, fine, it happened, I can't change things now. I think if I decide to continue the relationship, which i believe that decision has already been made, I think this is something I'll have to put to the side. I will have to find a way to process and deal with my feelings on my own because constantly bringing this up to him will only frustrate him and create bigger problems. I think I need to be calm and composed and not needy and insecure. Remember I went down that road before after coming back from the email incident. I have some experience now. I need to have a final serious conversation with him about all that I'm concerned about. I expect him to continue to say he has not slept with anyone period, ever. And then from there I have to try to move forward and trust. Now this is an extra thing I'll need to work very hard with my therapist to move past. This is all assuming he doesn't shut me out. He could easily wake up today saying it's never going to work and turn his back on me again..I don't know. If he appears to be open to continuing the relationship by expressing that he wants to keep communication open, then this is how I think I need to go about things.

 

I hope this is a good plan and I know I'll hear some feedback from everyone later today.

[Ksol9]

Hi there Ksoi,

 

I haven't messaged for a while, but I have been watching your thread. I wasn't going to say anything tonight, but it sounds like you need some advice. My advice, first and foremost, is stay calm. You are dealing with an explosive personality, remind yourself of that. I hate to say this, but even if he did sleep with someone, does it really matter? I mean, why are you letting it bother you so much? I know it's a big thing because you are desperate to know the truth, but things like this will damage all the progress you have made.

 

Look, I am not excusing his behavior, but you will never get the answer you want by pushing. It's going to eat you alive if you don't know the truth, and if you are unhappy with his answer about him not sleeping with someone, will you ever be? You said that no matter what he said wasn't going to work for you. Do you see the problem in that? How can you build a relationship if you don't trust his answers? That would be very frustrating to me.

 

Just take your time Ksol. Breathe. Think this through. The YouTube channel bothered you. Now these unanswered condoms are. Remember what you were saying months ago about self-sabotage? Do you see the recurring pattern? You have to ask yourself, if you really want to be with this man, or anyone right now for that matter. I know you really wanted to reconcile and you were doing so well, but these problems are going to keep coming up Ksol. You have to face facts. I want to be gentle with you, and I have only your best interests in mind, but I think you really need to take a hard look at this situation. You have decided to move forward with this man, but all the same problems ARE STILL THERE.

 

What did you therapist say? Did he give you any advice? My heart goes out to you girl, it really does. This is a tough spot you're in. I hate to say it, but as much progress as you've made, you're hurt, he's angry. That's exactly where you left things before.

 

I went back and read all the posts from last night from you, bolt, and lostlove. I read this post again and it made me realize something. Is this really worth losing myself again? I'm literally on the edge of losing my composure. Does it really matter if he slept with anyone during the breakup? It probably doesn't matter either way. What should matter is what he is doing now. We have had a very beautiful few weeks. We far stronger in those 3 weeks than we have ever been. I've seen great changes in him and in myself. Then this condom thing happens.

 

If he said he slept with someone, it may bring me peace as far as why the condoms were there, but it may also eat me alive knowig this for sure and then I'd go to wondering if the person is still in the picture. If I am unhappy with the answer that he never slept with anyone now, I may never be ok with it because I know deep down inside an open box of comdoms certainly means he was sleeping with someone in my book. I will always question either way. If I don't trust his answers either way, I can absolutely see how frustrating that is for him.

 

I remember everything I learned about self sabotage. I see the pattern. Me not trusting, looking for clues, finding things to question his fidelity. It will continue if I don't stop and trust him and what he says. You said all these problems are going to keep coming up. Do you mean they will continue to come up because I continue to mistrust, doubt, and snoop or are you saying they will continue to happen because I am dealing with a dishonest man? I'm confused with what you said there.

 

I am in a tough spot. I've been laying awake for hours. I think I'm getting closer to my decision. I think deep in my heart I know I have to trust what he is saying in order to save the relationship. I don't know what I will say to him, but I know I must not be emotional and I must be calm and composed. I need to get my thoughts together today. I have not heard from him this morning and he normally would contact early. I don't think I'll hear from him and I think it's best I refrain from contact until I get my thoughts in order. I need to have a serious talk with him about where we want things to go from here. Thank you for being there. All of you are my voices of reason right now. I can't think clearly.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I know your thoughts are a jumbled mess right now and your mind is in overdrive. I feel for you I think I'm just as confused as you are about what kind of person he is - whether or not he would lie or sleep around. I honestly don't think he's cheated on you. There just wasn't the time or opportunity while he was out of town and you two were talking so much, from what you've said. I very much doubt that anyone would have come over for a quickie after 12:30am that night. I think you can try to put that one aside with confidence, at least. The condoms, I just don't know. Do you think it's possible he's telling the truth? Did he say the coworker asked for one, yet there are two missing? Did he give the guy two? I just don't know. Everything he's saying about not wanting to sleep around sounds legit. Unless he tells you otherwise, I think you only have four options: 1) choose to believe him, 2) choose not to believe him, and hold it against him, 3) choose not to believe him, but forgive it, or 4) accept that you just can't know and try to get past it. I'm not sure that knowing for sure that he did something is going to do you any favors. You'll be picturing it in your mind, wanting to know who it was, how it happened, what she's like, etc etc. The questions will be endless, and you may find yourself mentally tortured by it. So maybe it's really best not to know. You two were broken up, so while it's highly bothersome and unpleasant, I know, it wouldn't have been cheating. And I already gave my rundown on why he would lie about it. If indeed anything happened at all.

 

I would love to hear what others think, and what they think you should do.

 

I know it will be next to impossible, but if you could find any time today to take a mental time-out from the overthinking, things might appear more clear. I think we confuse ourselves when we think so heavily about something, and try so hard to make a decision. I think that taking a step back, even for an hour, can sometimes help us gather ourselves and think a little more clearly. It will exhaust you and wear you down if you don't take a little break. If you can. I think Unchained's advice in her last post about resting was good, and she's right.

 

Hugs. I'll be here most of the day.

[UnchainedSoul]

I remember everything I learned about self sabotage. I see the pattern. Me not trusting, looking for clues, finding things to question his fidelity. It will continue if I don't stop and trust him and what he says. You said all these problems are going to keep coming up. Do you mean they will continue to come up because I continue to mistrust, doubt, and snoop or are you saying they will continue to happen because I am dealing with a dishonest man? I'm confused with what you said there.

 

Hi there Ksol,

 

I just wanted to emphasize what LostLove said. Take a break. Breathe. You have to calm yourself in order to think clearly. What I meant in my post about "things continuing to pop up" was not because I think he is a dishonest man, but that YOU yourself have so much doubt and mistrust in your heart for him that there will always be SOMETHING sabotaging your relationship. You're a smart woman Ksol, not too far away from me in age (I am 36), so I know you have it in your ability to think rationally and not let these thoughts torture you.

 

Can I ask? Have men cheated on you in the past? How have your other relationships been? You might have mentioned some of it before, but this is such a long thread I don't know if I read it or not. You have mentioned that you have had other problems like this with men. Have they all left you (or you left them) because of your mistrust? I am just curious because we are talking about self-sabotage patterns so I was just wondering if there were any other patterns as well.

 

Your heart is hurt Ksol. You are trying your best to hold onto this relationship. I don't want to confuse you more, but I see the way you are thinking. "Why do you have a box of condoms in your overnight bag? You were saying that you were the only woman for me and I didn't have sex with anyone I swear it" He is telling you things and doing other things. Actions speak louder than words. It's up to YOU if you can handle it. Bolt said something that stood out to me. "A woman who trusts won't go snooping in an overnight bag" You were obviously looking for something to incriminate him and you found it. Your heart and your gut instincts are speaking to you. You have to ask yourself some hard questions. Will your continued mistrust lead to more problems? When I said it was going to keep happening, I meant that it is because of your thinking that would lead it to keep happening. There are some deep embedded trust issues inside of you that you need to work out with your therapist.

 

I am going to say something that you might not want to hear. I don't think you should be with ANYONE right now. I think you really need to focus on yourself. Surround yourself with friends, people who you can lean on, date and be young, have fun and forget the rest. It's easy for me to say that because I am not in your shoes and I know you really love this man. But look at what you are doing to yourself? Let's say you get everything you wanted, you end up marrying this man and the two of you live happily ever after and he is still watching the married woman's YouTube Channel and sending emails while he is away on his long business trips. Can you handle that? I don't think you trust him Ksol, deep in your heart you don't trust him. The man is looking you dead in the face, saying he didn't sleep with anyone, saying he loved you, that he needs an emotional connection in order to have sex and it still isn't good enough for you. No explanation will ever be good enough for you, dear. You are looking and looking for something that is probably not even there, the very core of self-sabotage.

 

I wish I had the answers that you need to ease your pain. He HAS the answers, but they are just not what you want to hear or believe. This is tough. Dare I say, even an obsession. I remember being in your shoes years ago when I was desperately in love with a man who made me feel insecure without realizing it. I snooped and used to read his journal and found about all the women he was fantasizing about. Granted he never slept with them, but I got jealous over a fantasy. You know how ridiculous that is? But I think the same applies here. You are thinking the worst and may just be getting jealous over a fantasy. So two things need to happen, you either move past it or you don't. It's that simple. I can understand his frustration, especially if he isn't doing anything wrong. I can understand your fears because I have been where you are. What are you willing to do to save the relationship Ksol? I will stick by my guns here and say that you have a lot of work to do if you are going to make this work, and getting on with your life may be the way to do it. Holding on to a man you don't trust is killing you, a little bit each day.

 

I hope you do find some peace, I really do. I offer you my support, my hugs and love. I just want to see you happy, Ksol, like many of your friends here do too.

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove, thank you so much for writing. I appreciate you for always being there for me. Especially in times like this.

 

I've been thinking a lot and my mind is in overdrive. I don't know if that is a good thing or bad. I'm feeling more and more anxiety as the day goes on because I have not heard from him. I feel like he just doesn't care. Feels like he isn't thinking about me. I agree that what he said about not sleeping around sounds legit, but that was an extension of the lie. He had to say all those things go get me to believe he didn't sleep with anyone while we were apart. That's what makes it even more worse that he would say all those things to get me to believe him. Unless he is telling the truth, but I highly doubt it. I don't put anything past anyone. Some people just lie about things like that and I believe your explanation of why he is not going to tell the truth is absolutely the reason why he would lie. I also agree that he problably didn't cheat on me that night. Those condoms must have been in there. I also found a receipt for socks and tank tops dated 3/2/2017 from out of town so that means had he cleaned out the bag, the receipt and condoms would have been gone. I think he carelessly left them in there and I believe he was sleeping with other women while we were apart.

 

You listed my options and I'm certain that I'll go with option 3 and 4. I believe he was sleeping around And I'm choosing not to believe what he said, but I want to forgive it and get past it. I don't see how we can get past it without communication and a consistent period of no more set backs. He is already very excellent about checking in and making sure I don't think wrong of him. I'm very anxious to get this resolved, but because I haven't heard from him.

 

As I was writing this post, he called.

 

I don't know where to start. First he asked what I was doing and then he explained he got a new list of things he had to take care of so he would be spending the night again. (I knew that was going to happen.) He was so angry with me. I kept telling him to calm down. He kept saying I thought this was a game. I kept telling him over and over that I didn't want to fight and that I wanted to resolve this. I could have easily came to whatever conclusion I wanted about those condoms and left and never said a word to you ever again. That is all someone would need to walk away. I said that I believe deep in my heart he was sleeping with someone else while we were apart and that it is something I just have to put to the side and move forward. It already happened and I can't change it. I have to accept it. I told him that I was worried if he was involved with someone else out of town, I feared he would carry on a relationship as it would be convenient when he out of town. Again, anger. He said I think the worst of him always and it isn't right. He said..so that means you don't believe me?! You will never believe anything I say..I never slept with another woman while we were apart! Do I need to get you some professional help to help you with these trust issues?! (He doesn't know I already have a therapist to help with the relationship) He was screaming over and over about how I didn't believe him. I began to feel bad. He said that I don't understand how frustrating and irritating it is to be telling me the truth and I don't believe him. I said I understood and I explained I didn't want to go through this with him because I am unable to function. He said he understood my side and how it looks finding those condoms. He said it is the same if he found birth control in my belongings (??? I was confused by this, why is carrying birth control an indication of cheating) I just wanted him to understand what is going through my mind now that I've found those condoms. I said that I understood why he wouldn't want to tell me, but that I was more hurt that anything that he couldn't be honest with me. Again, he stated how upset he was that I didn't believe him. He stated he had those condoms just as any single man would carry condoms. I responded by saying men don't buy condoms without intention (maybe I was wrong for saying that). The conversation was circular. I believe what I believe and he isn't going to say otherwise. He said we are together and we have to find a way to move past this. I will always think the worst of him. He said he thought I was doing work to change. I said I am and that he didn't know 1/4th of what I've been doing to do my part. He said he was going to finish up with work and would call me later.

 

I'm still on high alert. I was thinking earlier...do single men carry around condoms with them just as a precaution? I mean just like women would carry around a tampon?

 

I'm so afraid that he is just making a fool out of me. I've been thinking all day that if he was seeing someone out of town before we got back together, he could easily still be seeing that person and I would never know. I don't know what to do and I don't know what is going to happen. It's easy to say you'll put things aside and that you'll love forward, but really putting that trust into action is a whole other story.

[Ksol9]

Thank you unchained. I wish I had my laptop to quote and respond. I will try my best to cover everything I thought was important in your post. Much of it was very important for me to absorb. I think you all have made some excellent points, but there were some key things you said that I believe I need to work on with my therapist. I actually sent a text to my therapist just to note all the things I want to work on in case I forget for our next visit.

 

Thank you for clearing up my confusion. I do realize that things haven't really changed. I continue to look for things to incriminate my boyfriend and I don't believe that is going to stop until I do some serious work on learning why I have these deep rooted trust issues. I think that what you said makes perfect sense and I think many others on this forum have tried to tell me the same. If I continue to look for things to incriminate him and I don't believe him regardless of what he tries to explain, I will continue to sabatoge this relationship. Dragging him through all of this mess as well. I love him and I don't want to hurt him in this way. He doesn't deserve it. To hear him say the exact things you are explaining here let's me know that he recognizes all that is going on but just doesn't know how to help me if I don't help myself or seek help from a professional. I do think I have the ability to think rationally and not let thwse thoughts torture me, but it's very difficult. I wish I had better tools to help myself.

 

As for my previous relationships, most of my relationships played out this way. Me being jealous, prying, pushing, pulling, snooping but never finding any real evidence of cheating. I'd then break up with them after some time. Every relationship went this way. My current bf is the first to walk away and the first to actually bring these trust issues, insecurities, and self sabatoging to my attention. I think he knows exactly what is going on with me but doesn't know how to help. Like I said, some of the exact things you have said is what he has said to me on numerous occasions. There was only one bf who was abusive and cheated. I left him after finding out. There is definitely something regarding trust issues and my pattern in relationships that I recognize. It stemmed from somewhere but I don't know where and I don't know how to undo and build new. What if there is no hope for me? I will never have a healthy relationship. This makes me so scared.

 

What you said about my mistrust leading to more problems, my thinking would lead it to keep happening, and that I had some deep embeddd trust issues. I think you are absolutely right. I'm screaming inside just for a way to change this about myself. What you stated about how this man is looking me in the face saying he did not sleep with anyone, needs an emotional connection, would not do something like that...no explanation would be good enough and that is the God honest truth. I don't think anything he could say would put me at ease. I read what you wrote over and over and I see how terrible this is. For me to live this way, for me to make him live this way. It's not right. What can I do to change unchained? What can I do?!

 

I want to move past this and I made this clear to him. I feel terrible for the position I've put him in. For him to be in love with a woman who mistrusts him is not good at all. He said he feels helpless and like it's all a waste. That hurt to hear. I've done a lot of ridiculous things just as you explained you did only to think back and realize how ridiculous it was. I can relate. He may very well not be a good match for me, but I will continue to choose appropriate partners that I can sabatoge myself with. I see it clearly. I told him not to give up on me some time ago. I need to address these issues soon or at least find a way to work on it if there is no solution. I am choosing to move past this. I want to trust him and I don't want to continue to look for thingscto incriminate him. He also said something like this...until the next issue. Now I understand what he meant.

 

I wish I knew how to make things better. I don't even know what my first step should be. I'm in counseling and I don't know if my therapist has the tools to help me. He is excellent and I think he can help set our relationship on the right track, but I have some serious issues I need to address in the right way. I've already explained these things to my therapist by text. Hopefully by my next visit on Tuesday, he will have researched some ways to help me help myself.

 

I feel somewhat better that I spoke to my bf earlier, but there is still this thought in the back of my mind that he is with someone else. He called me earlier and I called him 2 hours later and he never answered. This wouldn't have been an issue before the condom thing. Right now I am thinking the worst...that he went to meet with another woman. This is a horrible feeling. I'm just going to breathe as you suggested (my therapist said this exact thing..deep breaths). I just want to get through the next couple of days. I want to resolve this with my bf and I want to get back on the right track.

 

. You've been a tremendous help to me. I can't thank you enough.

[boltnrun]

How successful do you think this relationship will be if every time he's away from you, you believe he's with someone else?

 

Can you be in a relationship with someone you don't trust?

 

Do you honestly believe he is a lying, deceitful cheater?

 

Do you believe he loves you?

 

Honestly, I don't think you feel you deserve happiness and I can't understand why.

 

Can you ever get to a point where you allow yourself any happiness?

 

I can sense your profound pain in your words. I wish you could find a way to have peace.

[UnchainedSoul]

Dearest Ksol,

 

I was reading your post over and over again trying to come up with comforting words for you in this, your most desperate hour. You asked me what can you do to change your behavior and how can you do it? I wish I knew. The bottom line is Ksol you don't trust this man, and you will never trust any man as long as you have these insecurities. What makes it so hard for you to believe your bf? What about the situation is causing such doubt? There are some core issues there that you need to address before you can move forward.

 

He didn't answer your call a while ago, and immediately you jumped to the condoms again. Why are you doing this? Why do you think this way? I am starting to slowly wonder if there is an unknown element of control that frightens you. What i mean by that is, you want to KNOW everything. You have this mistrust that came from the email incident and this left him "damaged" in your eyes. I think you never really got over that, and the fact that he still checks in on this married woman freaks you out even more.

 

So where do you go from here? I have to ask something else. Before the email incident, did you have any such insecurities with him? Were you monitoring and checking his emails way before that, or did it just happen like overnight? The reason I ask is, I have ALWAYS had the insecurities. It seems you have always had them too. The reason we become possessive and go snooping is we become obsessed with them and their behavior. Are you prepared to admit to yourself that this man is now your obsession? When you were apart all you could do was think of him and other women, and now that you are finally together all you can think about is him and other women. Do you see the insanity in that? Why are you so sure that he is cheating? Why is it so hard to believe that he is being honest with you?

 

You asked if single men carry condoms. I don't know the answer to that. But my question to you is, if you were broken up why does it bother you so much? Can you live with not knowing, or is that too hard?

 

Bottom line is, these deep rooted insecurities will jeopardize every one of your relationships so if it's with him or someone else it will just continue to happen. I know for me, my growth came out of my own self-improvement and over time. I learned to accept myself and learned to be alone. When you were alone, you were so devestated. Must you always have a man in your life in order to be happy? I am not telling you to walk away, but if you every waking moment is thinking about this man, don't you see that as a problem? You asked me how you can stop thinking this way. The answer is you need to find the strength within yourself to overcome this insecurity. There will be a time in your life where you will not need to question the man in your life. But that can only happen when you realize that life doesn't revolve around men.

 

Look, I know it's a hard thing to accept. These deep rooted issues are because you lack other passions in your life besides the men. I am not perfect, I crave companionship too. Also, I know age plays a factor in it because you are getting to point where you want to settle down. You have to stop watching that clock and trying to push for an absolute answer and a "quick-fix." I don't have those insecure behaviors anymore because I am single now and I accept myself truly. I had my first truly successful relationship a few years ago, and we ended on amicable terms. As a matter of fact he is one of my best friends now. But there was no jealousy or insecurities popping up in that relationship because I was single for a very long time before him and did a lot of work on myself. You found the pilates. Start there and keep on going. I think if you want this relationship to work you have to realize how much of an obsession you have and that there will be life without him.

 

Have you even considered a life without him? For months it has been on your mind, you have cried so many tears and gone through so much. For what? To finally have everything you wanted and then throw it away with both hands? You can't love a man you don't trust. I understand his frustration. I wish I could offer more support but I am only speaking from my own experience. Living life alone was the only way I gained self-assurance and self-acceptance and then I was able to trust a man again.

 

I am so sorry I wasn't more helpful. I wish you weren't in so much pain and anxiety. All I can do is continue to be an ear for you and offer you support. Continue to write and let it all out. It helps and hopefully others can help some more with better insight.

[Ksol9]

How successful do you think this relationship will be if every time he's away from you, you believe he's with someone else?

 

Can you be in a relationship with someone you don't trust?

 

Do you honestly believe he is a lying, deceitful cheater?

 

Do you believe he loves you?

 

Honestly, I don't think you feel you deserve happiness and I can't understand why.

 

Can you ever get to a point where you allow yourself any happiness?

 

I can sense your profound pain in your words. I wish you could find a way to have peace.

 

Thank you bolt. I too wish I could find peace. I desperately wish I knew how. I don't know why I am preventing myself from doing so. I honestly don't think he is a deceitful lying cheater. That would have come out long ago. I've been with him long enough to find that out...especially the way I was snooping. From the very beginning, 2 years ago, I was doing exactly what ii did the other night. I looked through drawers, boxes, anything..his phone when he wasn't around. I should be ashamed of myself. He never gave me any reason to believe he was doing anything wrong in the beginning and he still tried to accommodate me. He has always been very open and honest, even phone calls with their mother he would give me a run down on his own...when there wasn't a need or requirement to. He did this on his own to make sure I felt comfortable. He never hid his phone. I've said this before, he has always been very good about making sure I feel comfortable with checking in and so forth. I honestly could not ask for more and he did that on his own from the Beth beginning without me asking. So why is it that I went searching? Why have I always done this? Obviously if I constantly am upset or insecure because I think he is cheating, this behavior will rub off on him. He was affected by it. There were those incidents that I mentioned here such as the email when we were in conflict for a similar issue. I had searched his Facebook search history and found searches of women from his past. I flipped out and made a huge deal of it. He went out of town for work and I was ignoring his calls, stonewalling, extremely cold. I was so mean. Looking back, I see my part in all of these things. I think I just set myself up for all this disfunction. Very uneccesary. Even these condoms...any woman would freak out, but there is a pattern here. I am doing what I've always done and we are in the same unhealthy place we were in before. The only difference, we are communicating. He is trying and I see that. He said today..I can't believe this happened so soon. It's only be a few weeks since we got back together. It's sad and I feel terrible because I am in a lot of pain that I created on my very own. He really doesn't deserve this.

 

You asked if I believe he loves me. I know he loves me because of the amount of times he has chosen to try with me. I know if he didn't love me, he wouldn't be here, but your question was if i "believe". I don't know if I truly believe he loves me. I keep thinking he will cheat or he will make a fool of me and if he loved me he wouldn't do these things. As I'm typing I see the self sabatoge. I feel horrible right now.

 

I think you may be right. Maybe I really don't feel like I deserve happiness. Maybe that is the insecurity and I need to focus on myself and becoming for confident and stronger. I love this man and I want this to work. I believe he wants it to work as well.

 

I wish I knew if I could ever get to the point where I allow myself happiness. I think I do in increments but as soon as I sit with my thoughts, I let the negative ones fester and grow. I doubt everything good and that's my problem. I should believe in love and in those who love me. Maybe in time I can get to that point with him, but then again does he deserve to be put through the wringer in order to get to a point where I value and believe his love for me?

 

His traveling worries me. Even moreso after this condom thing. He is distant with me. We have not really communicated much today. He is not texting and calling like he normally does. We spoke earlier and he said he was going out to eat and would call me. No return call. I am thinking the worst, but I'm not going to react. I just can't. Maybe he needs a little space. I know I need sleep.

 

Bolt, i know you understand what is going on with me. You've all tried to help me, but I don't know how to help myself. What more can I do? How do I stop myself from doing these things? I feel so lost. I was in so much pain when him and I weren't together. We are back in eachother's lives and we are trying to build a future together, but look at the mess I am creating. I want to settle down with one man, I want to be happy, but what if I am not capable because of my issues? I'm really sad about everything. I need to find a way to work on this. Maybe I need to get myself back into my routine with working out and therapy. These past few weeks since the baby, I've been traveling a bit and have missed a few sessions. I need to slow down and come up with some sort of plan. I just wish I knew what I need to do.

[boltnrun]

I think the absolute worst thing you can do is nothing. Continuing on as you have been will not result in a happy, secure, fulfilling relationship.

 

You can't rug-sweep and you can't pretend the past didn't happen. Because, as you see, it comes up anyway in your thoughts and actions.

 

Do you feel like you can ask him for some time to yourself to try to get this figured out before so much damage is done you'll never find your way back to each other? Do you think you can find a way to make him understand? And if you do take time away, will you spend that time convinced he's sleeping around with all these other women?

 

I don't know, it sounds a bit like you may suffer from OCD with intrusive thoughts. I suffer from this, but I've learned to apply CBT to combat it. What I do is first is tell my self "OK, that's an intrusive thought. It is not based in any reality". That's where I start. Then I try to go backward in my mind to find the origin of the thought...usually it's some kind of fear or anxiety that is manifesting itself as an intrusive thought. Then, I ask myself "OK, let's pretend this thought IS true and not just an invention of my disorder. What is the absolute worst thing that can happen? Will I die?" And usually the answer is, of course I won't die. And I'm able to dismiss the thought before it takes over my entire being. I also tell myself "I refuse to cater to this intrusive thought. I will not allow it to affect me or my actions". I kind of came up with this on my own after doing some research on OCD and intrusive thoughts and it has been very effective.

 

Of course, I went through hell before I found this technique.

 

I believe you CAN be capable of having a loving and secure relationship with a man, but not until you address and find a solution for this obsessive self-sabotage. It hurts you, it hurts him and it will prevent you from ever being able to be happy with this man. But I think trying to be in this relationship while you're still reacting this way and still having these obsessive negative thoughts is a mistake.

 

I hope you can talk this over with him and explain honestly what is going on. I think he'll want to go on this journey with you as long as you are completely honest with him and reconnect when the time is right.

[Ksol9]

You're absolutely right bolt. We can't pretend like the past didn't happen and we can't rug sweep which is something we did quite often before. I am very aware..self aware and that has prevented some problems, but the condom issue, that I was unable to handle. I went searching and that alone is a problem in itself.

 

I know time to myself may be the right way to get some work done on myself, but I'm not willing to let the relationship go. I just couldn't do it. I want to work through this with him by my side and that is something we spoke about as well. We want to work through this together. I don't want to waste any more time apart from him. I know you may not agree because a lot of what we are doing right now is not working for me especially now that I am in much pain, but I just can't do it. I am going to sit down with him and talk about a solution. I think that is necessary at this point because we both recognize what the problem is here. One main thing that has been recognized as a problem and has been improved from both of us is communication. I never thought we would make this progress but we did. I know the work I need to do on myself and the changes I need to make will take a very long time. It may even be lifelong work, but just as long as I consistently make changes I think we'll be ok. The same goes for him. I just believe once I make changes, I'll see his also.

 

Maybe you are right about the OCD and intrusive thoughts. I need to read more about that or maybe talk to my therapist about it. I appreciate you sharing what works for you. I think I need to try what you do. I'm actually going to screen shot it and use it as a reference. I think that is a habit that needs to be formed when dealing with bad thoughts or obsessive thoughts. I've done a little bit of that and it works. Just thoughts from incidents like the condom thing was too much for me to try to control. But something's got to give. I've got to figure out a way to change and I'm willing to try anything. My future depends on it.

 

I think I really need to sit down and have good talk with him about all of this. I need to be honest with him about everything we have been discussing here on the thread. I feel so sad about all of this because I do want to have a healthy relationship and I think you are correct, I won't be able to have a healthy relationship with him or anyone else unless I address these obsessive intrusive thoughts.

[Ksol9]

I'm still going back and forth in my mind about these condoms. I can't sleep. I slept for a few hours and now I'm awake. I keep thinking what if he used these comdoms while he was out of town last week. or if they were from during the breakup, is he still seeing this person from out of town? I don't know if this is so fresh in my mind and it will take time to feel comfortable or if it something that is going to burn inside. I'm feeling very similar to the email incident. It ate me up inside for a good while until I decided i wasn't going to allow it to affect me anymore..that took weeks.

 

He sent me a text when he went out to eat with his conworker last night. He asked if I was ok. I said hi and asked what he was doing. He asked me the same. We were texting back and forth until about 12 am. He said he was back in the hotel and after that I fell asleep. I wanted to talk to him on the phone for obvious reasons but I didn't end up calling him. I'm assuming he knows what is going on in my head and that's why he is asking if I was ok. I was just pleasant, loving, and polite in my responses. The truth is that I am worried he is seeing someone out of town, but I wasn't going to bring it up every conversation. We already had a heated discussion about it during the day. I don't want to have to feel the urge to ask him if he is seeing someone out of town. I feel horrible inside. I found condoms in his traveling bag. I'm in a relationship with a man that travels for work. There is a possibility he cheats when he goes out of town. Those condoms say so.

 

I don't know what more to say. I feel just like how he feels...I can't believe we are already dealing with this so soon. Things were going so great and now I have this hindering everything. I don't know how I'm going to feel when I am in his presence again. He is the type of man that reacts to my behavior. If I am not affectionate, he will steer clear. I don't want this to create a domino affect. The one good thing is that he is communicating. Not as much, but he's still trying. He is still asking how I'm doing etc. I haven't initiated contact because I don't want to pressure him. I don't want him to feel like he had to explain himself or has to report to me because he knows I don't trust him being out of town. I'm just trying to control my emotions I guess because I know if he wanted to cheat, he will do it anyway and no amount of phone calls or text messages to me will prove he's not with someone else. He could easily meet someone anywhere and spend time with them. I wouldn't know a thing. If I want to continue this relationship, I have to choose to trust. You don't just trust half way, you trust all the way or not at all.

 

I'm sure many of you reading this see disaster ahead. I hope and pray I can get over these feelings of mistrust before I push him away. I hope and pray things improve from here. I know if I let these feelings overtake me, I will continue to have urges to search for more ways to incriminate him and then the cycle begins. He will get fed up and before long we will be in another breakup. I've got to stop this snooping around at all costs. I think it's best I get myself more involved in pilates, working out, therapy, work, family and other things to shift my focus. I want to spend time with him but not as much as I was recently. I need to get over this little speed bump that I created for myself. I know he will understand. Although we had an in depth conversation about everything yesterday during the day, i still want to have a face to face conversation about it when we get back home. I have to remember things are still really new with us and we both need to take things slow.

 

I guess I should try to get some more sleep. Thank you all for helping me through this. I feel ashamed for how I'm conducting myself in this relationship. I know my behavior and actions have been the cause of our problems. I'm ashamed that I keep doing the same thing. It's just craziness.

[Ms Darcy]

Do I need to get you some professional help to help you with these trust issues?! .. He said he thought I was doing work to change.

 

Just quickly, I wanted to point out that these are two of the most important statements he's made to you.

 

He believes you have trust issues and need help to change. If you are not ready to be different, the perhaps a pause button (go on a break) would give YOU a fighting chance to have a healthy relationship - either with him or someone else.

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone, I am back at home now. The trip back was long and tiring. I had an opportunity to talk to my mom about him. He called while I was on the way home. We spoke for almost an hour. He is still out of town and most likely won't be back until late. We had a good talk. He spoke about his day and work. He asked how I was feeling and I said I was still worried about everything. He said of course you're thinking the worst, but you have nothing to worry about. We're communicating, but this thing about the condoms is hanging around in the. Sick of my head still. The old me last year would have allowed it to swallow me whole, enough to make his life impossible. Not then me today...I'm suffocating those thoughts somewhere. There will come a time and place him and I will talk about everything again soon. As for Mom, I told her everything about my trust issues. She understands him, but she kept saying don't take all the blame because he has done some foolish things. She asked me if I thought he was right for me. I said yes. She asked if I thought he is the type to go out of town and sleep with random women. I said I don't think so, but I think the worst of him. She was in tears to hear what pain I'm putting myself through. She respects him for his patience and commitment to wanting things to work. She said over and over, ksol, you have to try. Anytime you think about snooping, stop yourself. It's not right. If you go looking you will find something that may not be what you think it is and then you have created another problem between the two of you. Try to change this bad habit. Pray, trust him, and focus on yourself. Don't let these things bother you. We spoke aboutmmy father and his gambling problem. How it has affected us all. I told them I know they mean well, but I have some bad habits I've taken from them throughout my upbringing. I told her I needed to find happiness and I didn't want to be pressured by everyone else around me because I constantly worry about what they want for me and not what I want for myself. She said he has offered to go to therapy to save this relationship and to help you. That is the best thing that will ever happen for you both. She agreed that the need to snoop and the mistrust is my insecurity. She said to focus on myself and build self confidence. She told me to spend quality time with him, enjoy eachother, do nice things together. I really don't know what I would do without my mother. She pretty much solidified everything we have been talking about here. I see and hear everything from everyone including him, loud and clear. My next step is to put something into motion to change. I remember talking about change with lostlove. Change something, do something new, anything. That's what I need to do for myself. Knowing that it is very possible that he was probably sleeping around while we were apart, I think it changes my impression of him a bit, but that doesn't mean I don't love him any less. I still want to be with him and I want to do this together.

 

Every so often, I stop and say to myself, "Oh gosh, I found comdoms in his bag." This is going to leave a very unsettled feeling in me for sometime...I feel. I'm very antsy to meet with my therapist on Tuesday. I don't think he will give me solutions, but he will somehow help me to put things in perspective, much like what you all help me do here. Without a doubt i need help and without a doubt, I need to stop looking for clues. This snooping has to stop cold turkey. I just shouldn't do it anymore. Period!

 

There is one thing I know for sure. I can't change what happened and I shouldn't allow it to overtake and change me. I refuse to mistreat him over this. I'm going to continue to be pleasant and understanding. I'm just going to have to take extra precaution in taking my time. I think I've got a pretty good idea on what I'm feeling and what I fear so this is going to be helpful in communicating with him. I'll be able to be direct and concise about the things I'm worried about. I think there may not be anything he can "say" differently to ease the situation, but I think in moving forward he will know what to "do" to ease the situation. Just like I know what I need to do. It scares me to think this is going to continue. It scares me to think I have control of that and I still can't control my bad habits and trust issues. I have a man who wants to lead me the right way, stick with me, help me, help us. If I can't see that as commitment I'm a fool and if he is all the things my obsessive thoughts have been saying then it will come out. I can't look for it. If I haven't burned by looking too many times then I'm just plain stubborn. I need to learn from all these things.

 

I don't know what damage this latest condom thing did. I need to just take a deep breath.

[boltnrun]

So what do you do when the thought pops into your head? Do you obsess and feel anxious? Does that thought take over your entire being?

 

Do you know that there is not a single thing you can do about what you found?

 

Do you also know that obsessing over it will not change a thing?

 

Intellectually, you know these things. But for whatever reason you don't stop even when you are doing so much damage to yourself.

 

I still think the solution is to find the root cause of why you insist on looking for something to make yourself miserable. You said things were going great...and yet, you went through his bag anyway. You say you love him and don't believe he's the type to cheat every single time he's out of your sight...yet you still think he's sleeping with someone else. You say you know he isn't, yet you worry that he is.

 

Usually these kind of obsessive thoughts are only damaging to ourselves, but you will allow them to ruin your relationship with him unless you find a way to make it stop. He is being very, very patient but at some point he will give up. And I don't think you want him to give up.

 

Also, yes, there are things that happened within the relationship in the past that affect you. But if those things are going to intrude for the rest of your life, the relationship will never work. Plain and simple.

 

Do you think you can keep a handle on it until your next therapy appointment? Is there something you can do differently whenever the obsessive thought comes into your head?

[Ksol9]

Hi bolt, your post was very meaningful. Doing things that will only harm myself and make me miserable...I need to keep that in mind. I don't think I've ever looked at it that way. Rather than I obsess about him and if he is cheating, I need to obsess on finding a solution to my problem.

 

So what do you do when the thought pops into your head? Do you obsess and feel anxious? Does that thought take over your entire being?

 

When I initially found the condoms, I could not stop thinking about it. My brain was in overdrive trying to figure out if they were used last week or before we got back together. It was like an alarm went off and then I started thinking if he was sleeping with someone while we were apart, what if they were still involved? I did not for once consider he was telling me the truth. I asked him about 5 times if he was slept with anyone while we were apart and he said no. He looked me in the face and said no, I love you and I still did not want to believe him. To answer your question...initially, yes I obsess and feel anxious. It literally takes over my entire being and I am unable to function, eat, or sleep. After some time to let things settle and my mind begins to stabilize, I am able to ignore the thoughts. For example, all day today when the thought of those condoms pop in my head and I begin to think about him sleeping with someone else, I think about it for about a minute and then ignore it. I have a pain in my chest. My heart hurts I guess, but I'm not thinking about it all day or obsessing over it. Still the thoughts are more frequent than they should be.

 

Do you know that there is not a single thing you can do about what you found?

 

Do you also know that obsessing over it will not change a thing?

 

Yes and yes. Thank you for pointing this out. Like I said, this post was extremely helpful. I will read it over and over for the simple reason that I never considered these things. There is nothing I can do about what I found and obsessing over it certainly won't solve anything. That is why I am trying to ignore the thoughts once it enters my mind. He called me a few minutes ago and said he just got off the exit. He asked when I would be coming over. I want to see him, I miss him, but I am afraid once I am in his presence I will be thinking about these condoms every time I look at him. There is nothing I can do to change anything. It is what it is and I just have to accept and move forward.

 

Intellectually, you know these things. But for whatever reason you don't stop even when you are doing so much damage to yourself.

 

I still think the solution is to find the root cause of why you insist on looking for something to make yourself miserable. You said things were going great...and yet, you went through his bag anyway. You say you love him and don't believe he's the type to cheat every single time he's out of your sight...yet you still think he's sleeping with someone else. You say you know he isn't, yet you worry that he is.

 

This is the strange thing about it. It's like touching a hot stove. You touch a hot stove you get burned. Naturally you won't do it again if it happened once. In my case, I know snooping and looking for things, even assuming things in my mind to incriminate him only hurt me. I am the only one suffering. Yet, I still sit and come up with conclusions and look for clues whenever I can. I didn't realize I was only hurting myself by doing these things. As far as a solution and finding the root cause of why I look for these things, I don't know where to start looking and this is what I want to work on with my therapist. This I think is the key to making change. I wish I had the answer. Why is it so difficult to figure out? Should I know the answer to this? He did nothing..not a thing for me to look through that bag. Maybe it was the podcast search that made me think twice, I don't know. It's almost second nature to look through things..even his phone, which he leaves in my presence alone very often. The phone I haven't looked through since I've been back, but I'm sure I would have eventually. Why do I always think the worst of the person I am with? He is not the first.

 

Usually these kind of obsessive thoughts are only damaging to ourselves, but you will allow them to ruin your relationship with him unless you find a way to make it stop. He is being very, very patient but at some point he will give up. And I don't think you want him to give up.

 

Maybe now that I am very self aware that these things are damaging to myself only and will eventually ruin the relationship, maybe now I will be able to try to fight any urges or thoughts? I don't know how other than to continuously remind myself what I am doing to myself. Just like you did here in your post. He is being extremely patient with me and from past experience, he will one day become fed up and will walk away. I don't want to push him to that point. We've been through this so many times. Am I that stubborn that I can not learn and stop what I am doing? I don't want to be this bad person. I feel terrible because I know it's wrong, yet I can't help myself. It's as if I think it will provide some sort of relief when all it does is give me grief and worry. I don't want him to give up on me.

 

Also, yes, there are things that happened within the relationship in the past that affect you. But if those things are going to intrude for the rest of your life, the relationship will never work. Plain and simple.

 

Do you think you can keep a handle on it until your next therapy appointment? Is there something you can do differently whenever the obsessive thought comes into your head?

 

I understand he has made mistakes and I have done alot of damage with my trust issues, but when is enough going to be enough for me? When am I going to learn and make a change in my life? I can't say that he is doing anything wrong right now to contribute or make me be the way that I am. That means it could be him, it could be someone else, and I will still do these things. That means I need to do something about it. We just got back together. We don't want to go down the same road. I don't want to put him or myself through the things we went through before. It was pure hell and torture. It was unhealthy and draining. I am going to try to keep a good handle on my emotions and thoughts until my appointment on Tuesday. I think I should rest and enjoy the weekend with him. I should refrain from any serious conversation about what happened until I meet with my therapist. I wish I new of something I can do differently whenever the thoughts come into my head, but unfortunately I don't have the tools or answers to figure that out. The only thing I am doing right now is taking deep breaths and stopping myself from thinking about it immediately. I ignore the thought until it goes away. My therapist suggested a book to read. I have it downloaded on kindle through my cell. I am going to spend the weekend with him. Anytime I begin to feel bothered by what happened, I am going to try to ignore it and I will read the book. That is my plan for right now.

[boltnrun]

I would tell him exactly what you said. That you aren't sure why you try to find things to sabotage yourself and your relationship with him, but that you are determined to find the cause and solve the problem so it will no longer have such a negative impact. I would explain that you realize he is being patient with you; that you realize this is YOUR issue; and that you have a plan in place to resolve this issue.

 

Otherwise, if you keep asking and asking and asking if he is sleeping or slept with someone else, you WILL drive him away. Because it is very wearing to constantly have to defend yourself. I recommend you do not ask him again, not even one more time.

 

Then, ask him if you two can spend a nice, relaxing and fun couple of days together. And please, do NOT go through any of his things. Don't look at his phone if he leaves it alone with you, don't go through his overnight bag when he returns, don't offer to help him unpack under the guise of being helpful when what you REALLY want to do is see if any more of the condoms are missing (I'm sure you thought of doing this lol!), don't look at his computer search history or email. Just relax and do what you'd normally do when you two want to enjoy one another's company. That is my recommendation.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. Everyone is giving such great advice that I don't really have much to add, other than maybe one thing. You know how we've talked here before about focusing on the positives? Maybe every time a negative thought pops up, force yourself to counteract it with something good. Whatever he has done in the past, what I see right now is that he's really trying, and that says a lot. He's communicating rather than breaking up or going silent. He's recognizing your trust issues and is trying to be patient and hang in there. He's offering a lot of reassurance, both with words and with checking in regularly. I've read that men need to feel appreciated. And he should feel appreciated for a lot of these things. You have a guy who isn't giving up on you. I would give anything to be in your position right now, as rough as I know it can be with all the worries. You've both been given another chance to be together, and that's amazing. So hang in there! I hope you enjoy your weekend

[Ksol9]

I would tell him exactly what you said. That you aren't sure why you try to find things to sabotage yourself and your relationship with him, but that you are determined to find the cause and solve the problem so it will no longer have such a negative impact. I would explain that you realize he is being patient with you; that you realize this is YOUR issue; and that you have a plan in place to resolve this issue.

 

Otherwise, if you keep asking and asking and asking if he is sleeping or slept with someone else, you WILL drive him away. Because it is very wearing to constantly have to defend yourself. I recommend you do not ask him again, not even one more time.

 

Then, ask him if you two can spend a nice, relaxing and fun couple of days together. And please, do NOT go through any of his things. Don't look at his phone if he leaves it alone with you, don't go through his overnight bag when he returns, don't offer to help him unpack under the guise of being helpful when what you REALLY want to do is see if any more of the condoms are missing (I'm sure you thought of doing this lol!), don't look at his computer search history or email. Just relax and do what you'd normally do when you two want to enjoy one another's company. That is my recommendation.

 

Hi bolt. Thank you for this. This is something I will need to say to him. He will at least be able to understand that I am aware. This will help him feel comfortable. Last night when I saw him, it was on my mind throughout the night. I was surprised when he brought it up himself. He was making a joke of it saying I think he was sleeping around. He said he hasn't slept with anyone while we were apart nor did he cheat. He made this funny face and said I like to start problems. We went to cleft Chinese and he had a sweater on. He gave me a hug and I heard a crackle. He looked at me and said...it's a condom. We both laughed when he pulled out a candy wrapper. He looked at me and said..don't you ever think I'm lying to you. I'm sure you'll shake your head...I still don't believe him. I believe he did sleep with someone while we were apart. I'm surprised that he was bringing it up in this manner. He made a joke of it and I guess it shows its something we can get past.

 

I agree that it isn't something I should bring up. He knows what my fears are. He's aware of my insecurities. I also appreciate your light hearted sense of humor. I was very tempted to go through the overnight bag. He went to take a shower this morning. He left his phone out on the dresser. I went to make the bed. I looked at the bag...I looked away. I saw the phone. I pressed the home button..and then walked away. I don't know why I am so tempted. I was able to stop, but I still wanted to do it. It's like a bad kid who doesn't learn her lesson. I know it's wrong and I still want to do it. Although I didn't, my reluctance tells me I still have a long way to go.

 

I think you're right about everything you said here and I think I should take your advice in letting him know how I feel about sabatoging myself and the relationship. That I am working to solve the problem. He is being very understanding and has handled himself well, so I should acknowledge that I understand what is going on. It is still difficult for me to be around him as I am still thinking about it all. I dropped him off at the dentist and I am going to get my nails done.

 

Thank you again for helping me through this. Hope you are enjoying your weekend.

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. Everyone is giving such great advice that I don't really have much to add, other than maybe one thing. You know how we've talked here before about focusing on the positives? Maybe every time a negative thought pops up, force yourself to counteract it with something good. Whatever he has done in the past, what I see right now is that he's really trying, and that says a lot. He's communicating rather than breaking up or going silent. He's recognizing your trust issues and is trying to be patient and hang in there. He's offering a lot of reassurance, both with words and with checking in regularly. I've read that men need to feel appreciated. And he should feel appreciated for a lot of these things. You have a guy who isn't giving up on you. I would give anything to be in your position right now, as rough as I know it can be with all the worries. You've both been given another chance to be together, and that's amazing. So hang in there! I hope you enjoy your weekend

 

Thank you lostlove. I'm so appreciative of all of you. This has been so difficult for me. I feel so helpless at times. I have never had such difficulty in my life. I am so well put together when it comes to all other areas of my life, but when it comes to relationships, Feels like I'm a failure.

 

My therapist actually suggested the same as you. It is a habit that has to be broken and it takes a very long time to change these habits. He suggested to think about something positive as well. The beach, pizza, my dog...anything that brings good thoughts. Generally this seems like it would be easy, but dealing with an incident like the condoms I found, I don't think anything would have helped. It was good that I was around family and took some time to think, but I still went through a great deal of paralyzing anxiety and stress that day. I still feel horrible about it all. Just thinking that he lied to me. Maybe he's being honest..I don't know. I keep telling myself that this is the risk you take with any relationship. There is a chance the person you date could cheat. just like there's a chance of winning the lottery or getting struck by lightning. Not the odds but just the fact that it can happen..anything could happen.

 

You pointed out something that I think is worth me focusing on..the fact that he is really trying. He is communicating rather than what he would normally do. He would break up or go silent..saying it isn't something he could deal with. He's being patient. I don't know if I feel guilty, but I do appreciate him and I think he should know that. We are being affectionate with eachother, but if be lying if I said this isn't in the back of my mind. Hoping it becomes less and less of a thought each day that goes by. Or at least becomes easier to put aside. I don't know why it is so hard for me to stop doubting him. This is such a horrible thing to be dealing with. I need to remind myself he isn't giving up on me. I should consider myself lucky. I need to maintain where we are right now and only go forward not backward from here. I'm trying to get through the weekend without it eating me up.

 

How are you doing? Are you feeling a little bette these days?

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I think you're doing the best you can. I understand your fears completely. I've never been able to fully trust either, so I get it. It's a hard thing to overcome. I know the fear and anxiety you are feeling, and how debilitating it can be. I often don't know what to suggest, since I've never been able to figure out a solution for myself either. I'm glad you have posters here who can offer different perspectives. What day this week is your therapy appointment?

 

I'm doing okay, I suppose. The anxiety is maybe a tiny bit less. It comes and goes. I'm still feeling very hurt and bothered at the thought of him having a relationship with her. I woke up today picturing how close they must be. It's just a horrible feeling. I truly felt he was my soulmate, and now we'll never get another chance because he's with her and they'll most likely stay together. He's drastically reduced his online time during the past week. For a few weeks there, he was on constantly. Now he's not on hardly at all. There's definitely some reason for that, but I can't begin to guess what it is. Their relationship status didn't change on fb, so it's not as if they broke up and got back together. It just hurts, all of it. Still, after all this time.

 

I'll chat with you more soon, and hope the rest of your day goes well

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. I think you're doing the best you can. I understand your fears completely. I've never been able to fully trust either, so I get it. It's a hard thing to overcome. I know the fear and anxiety you are feeling, and how debilitating it can be. I often don't know what to suggest, since I've never been able to figure out a solution for myself either. I'm glad you have posters here who can offer different perspectives. What day this week is your therapy appointment?

 

I'm doing okay, I suppose. The anxiety is maybe a tiny bit less. It comes and goes. I'm still feeling very hurt and bothered at the thought of him having a relationship with her. I woke up today picturing how close they must be. It's just a horrible feeling. I truly felt he was my soulmate, and now we'll never get another chance because he's with her and they'll most likely stay together. He's drastically reduced his online time during the past week. For a few weeks there, he was on constantly. Now he's not on hardly at all. There's definitely some reason for that, but I can't begin to guess what it is. Their relationship status didn't change on fb, so it's not as if they broke up and got back together. It just hurts, all of it. Still, after all this time.

 

I'll chat with you more soon, and hope the rest of your day goes well

 

Hey lostlove, thank you for understanding. I was just thinking about how much I've learned about myself in recent months. I feel like I've recently connected the dots and a lot of things make sense. In my realizations unfortunately, I don't have a quick fix or any solutions. Just as you said, you have the same fears and anxieties, but you've yet to find a solution. I wonder if this is just who we are and we will always struggle with these things? I can't see myself living like this for the rest of my life. I had one previous relationship that I can think of with a man that I was with for a number of years. I remember having the same kinds of fears, doing the same kind of snooping..I basically put him through the wringer. Well, After years of that kind of drama, I began to trust him. I realized he wasn't going anywhere. I think I've mentioned him before here. We actually became very good friends and I often confided in him about my relationships. Anyhow, I wonder if after years of being with someone, maybe you reach a place where you see you actually can trust this person? I wonder if it's a matter of time. Hmmm...as I'm writing I'm thinking..why didn't I think I was worthy of him loving me from the beginning. Why did I have to put him through all of that to believe him afterwards?

 

My guy and I have seemed to reach a new place in our relationship. We are really working with eachother. I find that kindness has been at the top of the list for why we are working with eachother. I have just been kind to him. I understand I've hurt him and I think he understands he has hurt me. I think we are at a place where we don't want to hurt eachother anymore. I don't know why I still feel at times that he could hurt me for no apparent reason. I have this idea in my head that some men just cheat for no reason with random women. My appointment is on Tuesday. I can't wait to discuss this with him. I know this can't be fixed immediately, but I want to figure out a way to make progress. My relationship will improve and I will find some relief also. Rather than wasting time worrying about this nonsense.

 

I was thinking maybe he is visiting family since his online time has reduced since it's Easter weekend, but you said it has been for the past week. There's really no way to tell what is going on in their lives. Especially when there are no photos or posts. I'm sorry that this still affects you the way it does. I know that you're hurt. I know how much it hurts. It's a helpless sort of pain. Remember it happens in waves. You might have one bad day, but then you'll feel better soon after. I know it's exhausting. How is your night going?

 

We're just lounging on the couch. Will be going to church in the morning. Luckily they have a 12:30 service so we don't have to be up to early. I love to sleep in on the weekends.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. My night is okay. I always feel slightly bummed, I guess. He hasn't been on all day long, so you can imagine what I'm imagining. It's been for about the past week that he hasn't been on much, so nothing to do with Easter. I've had this thought in my head today that they'll surely end up getting married. Why her and not me? Maybe simply because she's there where he chose to settle, and I'm not. He always talked about moving away from here from the first day I met him. Maybe too, he got some of the wild and crazy out of his system with trashy married woman and is ready for something sweeter. I can tell myself these things, but I still take it deeply personally.

 

What you said about being with your ex for many years and then finally trusting him makes sense. I would think that it's because you then have a significant amount of time to look back on and see that he's still there and that nothing bad happened. With on/off relationships, everything gets reset from some starting point time and again rather than having a consistent and stable history from which to allow trust to gradually build. I, too, have a belief that some (or most) men will randomly cheat no matter what the circumstances. Especially now, after this last relationship and everything mine did. But interestingly, I had a year-long relationship in my mid-20's and it never even occurred to me that he might cheat. Yet I was still constantly worried and on edge, feeling like he didn't love me enough or at all. He wasn't a great guy - there were many problems. But he didn't have any cheating behaviors that I knew of, and I just never thought to worry about that. I guess my point is that, for me, if it's not a worry about cheating, it'll be something else. You said maybe this is just how we are, and I think that's unfortunately true. For whatever reason, we just cannot relax and feel that all will be okay. I don't fully understand it, and I don't know how to fix it. You and I both expect things to go wrong. And then we look for confirmation, clues, evidence. We don't believe, deep down, that everything is fine. So then, of course, that anxiety makes us behave in ways that sabotage. As much as I hate to admit it, I think bolt really hit on something with the obsession, as well. We literally think about the guy and the relationship 24/7, every single second of the day. And then our minds come up with all kinds of things.

 

I'm glad you guys are being kind to one another. That's a great place to start. Just show love and compassion no matter what is going on, and that will certainly build trust that you're both going to stick with this. You had this thing occur, and you bounced back quickly rather than let it destroy things. I know that all is not perfectly fine, I know you're still thinking about it, but you two are connecting. You didn't let it divide you. That's improvement!

 

I hope you have a wonderful Easter tomorrow and we'll chat more later.