Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

Happy Monday!

 

I'm home for the remainder of the day. I woke up with a terrible headache. Not sure what the cause of it is. I'm just relaxing now until pilates this evening. Since Easter is coming up, I figured we could put together Easter care packages to send to the children. Will go shopping after pilates.

 

I was thinking today how different things are now that the children are gone. The dynamic of our relationship has changed drastically. I used to think without the children him and I didn't have a relationship. I remember feeling terrified of how things would be when they moved. Him and I have never really spent a lot of time alone getting to know one another. Do I even know him as an individual? What if I don't like him or vice versus? What will we talk about? What if we don't get along? It created a ton of anxiety. Having gone through the breakup, counseling, new activity...I've really changed my outlook on dealing with complications or any uncertainty. You can't control and deal with things as they come. The best way to handle any obstacle is to be positive and optimistic, take things day by day, and go slow and steady. I can't control another human being. I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do. Once I let go of that, I'm seeing with my very own eyes that he will do what he needs to do for me and our relationship on his own when he is ready. I really don't want to lose sight of that. I don't want to relapse to old ways. I really hope we are making all the right steps now so that we don't run into trouble later on. Right now I feel a genuine, close connection and I don't want to lose that. I don't ever want to jeopardize that. There are times I'll get upset or angry for his past transgressions, but I tell myself it is in the past and I have to move forward. I try not to dwell and I certainly don't allow those thought to transfer in my behavior. I'm very self aware of how I treat him. It is important to me that I deal with it in a healthy way and so that it doesn't come back up to bite me in the butt. I guess what I'm trying to explain is that although things feel right and we are making progress slowly, I hope that we are both dealing with things in a healthy way. I don't feel like things are being sweeped under the rug as we have done many times before. I don't have anything festering inside that I feel needs to be spoken about or that I'm on eggshells and can't discuss. Everything has been talked about and he has also spoken freely about how he feels. I'm at ease, but I still worry about other major issues that can impact our relationship like his situation with his children, traveling for work, and the future of the company he works for. I guess it's one thing at a time. I am not a fortune teller and I can't predict the future. Maybe I should just enjoy the ride. I've got a great support group here alongside my therapist who I feel can guide me when I can't see or when I refuse to see clearly.

 

Hope you all are having a great day! Going to try to take a nap before heading to pilates.

[lostlove76]

Hi lostlove! I feel like I haven't really been around lately to chat. I wanted to wait until I was at home and settled in before I replied. Thank you for checking in because I think of you often and hope that you are doing well.

 

It sounds like you've been pretty busy with work and house sitting. I hope it is working to your advantage as it is keeping you busy and active. I know that you prefer to be at home (and so do I), but staying busy is a good way to distract. I noticed in one of your posts that you have not started your zoloft yet. I wanted to add that I think you are doing the right thing. When you feel you are ready to start the meds then great, but if you are not ready or if you wanted to find the appropriate time, that is totally ok. I think you've come a long way and I think you are making progress.

 

As for him, I totally understand how you feel. I know how much you loved him and no matter how much you have tried, it has been almost impossible to get past the hurt of what he did. The anger is understandable. I was carrying the same anger and that did not go away (and still hasn't fully gone away) until I spoke to him and we began to move out of NC. There is no way to remove the anger that comes from someone you love giving up on you unless they make good on it. You have seen him go from relationship to relationship and all of that has added to the betrayal you feel for him. I also think you may be right that you might not reach a place of indifference until you meet someone new and move on in that sense. That could very well be the case. Either way, you have to find happiness whether it is with or without him. Seeing him online frequently signifies that he is not as occupied and when he isn't online as much I would agree that maybe he is busy at work or is with his girlfriend. If he still has this hot and cold behavior, and I would guess that his behaviors have not changed, I do not believe it was just limited to you or that he loved you any less. I recall explaining this to my therapist and he kept saying over the course of a few visits...there is something that you are holding on to and it's something that you feel is left resolved. For me, I was not in peace about anything that happened in my situation. I had to do something, make some sort of move, in order for me to get out of the place I was stuck in. Making some sort of change was the only way to make change happen. I know how hard it is. This has been one of the most challenging things I've ever been through in my life. I think just as long as you are moving and making changes, even in the simplest way, you will be making steps toward happiness.

 

I'm also really happy to hear that you began reading again. I know how much you love to read books and it is something you wanted to start doing again. That reminds me..my therapist suggested a book and I haven't gotten around to reading it. I think I'll purchase on kindle and read until I fall asleep.

 

Talk to you again soon!

 

Hi ksol. I just wanted to say thank you so much for this. For your continued support and understanding. I've been feeling down in the dumps again the past couple days. I stupidly looked to see if they're still in a relationship, and they are. It's all I can think about, imagining them together. I couldn't sleep last night, and my thoughts kept going there. The pain is just never-ending. What you said about having needed to make some kind of movement with yours makes perfect sense. I feel I need some kind of movement, some kind of change like you said. But it won't be with him, because I absolutely refuse to reach out to him, esp when he's in a relationship (and even if he wasn't). I'm not sure what kind of change I could make on my own in order to feel peace and closure. My mind and heart are still stuck with him, after all this time. It's such a horrible feeling. I did finally take my first dose of Zoloft last night. I'm just worried it'll increase my anxiety until it gets in my system, but I needed to get started.

 

I'm glad things are going well with you two and that you're feeling happiness. Such a huge change from just a month ago, huh? I envy that you're in a better place. How did your therapy appointment go today? What was he book he recommended to you last time?

[Ksol9]

Kindness, hope, and strength. I think it was Jenny or jmb who told me to keep those things in mind when he and I began communicating again. I still can't believe all that I've been through in the past few months. I think those words are just as powerful today as they were weeks ago. They are words to live by.

 

Pilates was awesome. I haven't been in a couple weeks because of the traveling and so forth. Felt good to get back into the swing of things. Pilates helps me to slow down, to de-stress, to feel good about myself. It's really an excellent workout for a number of reasons other than the physical aspects of working out. I really love practicing it.

 

Therapy was great today as well. I'm feeling really proud of myself for sticking to my guns about moving slowly. The plan is to work hard at rebuilding trust and a better foundation between us before going to the next level. Horse before carriage not carriage before horse. I know it will pay off in the long run.

 

Today's visit with the therapist was about effective communication. I'm taking care of me first instead of just looking to please him. I always remind myself of what my therapist said..it's ok to be selfish sometimes...you are not wrong for taking care of you first. He also spoke about just taking a deep breath and enjoying the moment. He thinks I am being very wise in my decisions and notices I am being very strategic. He advised that I should read The Five Love Languages again. He pointed out that my bf is most likely acts of service and physical touch where as I am words of affirmation and physical touch. He is big on actions and showing me and I am big on communication and needing to hear words in order to feel safe and comfortable. That was something I didn't realize before. We also spoke about my trust issues and even jealousy. He said jealousy is not about the other person unless they have done things to bring about the jealously to begin with. This was not the case with him and I. I was jealous from the very start...constantly doubting and questioning. That means there is something inside of me that needs to be addressed. It came from somewhere. I don't know where, but I'll explore to figure it out. I expressed that I do not want to treat my bf this way. i understand there has been things he has done for me to mistrust him in times of conflict and those are issues he needs to figure out and sort out on his own, but for me...my therapist also agreed, I will see far better results if do not nag, pressure, or push. He will do all the things he needs to do and will also be receptive to change on his own. Whatever we are doing right now, it's working. My therapist said I shouldn't question or doubt myself right now. I guess I can worry about all the other things when they arise in the future, i.e. his traveling for work, Etc. My therapist also noted the changes he has seen in me in the past few months...I told him I can FEEL the changes. It's still not easy and I still don't believe I am strong enough just yet, but I'm going to keep working on myself.

 

I just got in. It's abnormally hot outside. I think I need to cool down and absorb all that was spoken about in counseling today. Hope you all are doing well.

 

Lostlove, hope you're doing well. Stop in to let us know how you're doing if you're up for chatting. Take care!

[Ksol9]

I just saw that you posted. We must have posted at the same time. I'm going to read your post and will respond soon.

[lostlove76]

I just saw that you posted. We must have posted at the same time. I'm going to read your post and will respond soon.

 

 

I'm glad your appointment went well. I agree that your trust issues are something within yourself, and something that most likely resided there before he ever even came along. Trusting someone is scary. I may have said this before, but Dr Phil always says that it's not about trusting another person; it's about trusting yourself enough to know that you can handle whatever happens. That's hard for you, because you feel everything so deeply and will of course be affected. But you're getting stronger day by day, week by week.

 

I'm sorry that I'm not offering much feedback. I'm still just struggling a lot and I still have zero energy. There are moments when I feel a little better, but it doesn't last. I think you're doing great, though, and handling yourself very well. As always, I'm reading along with all your updates! I hope you have a great evening

[Ksol9]

I'm glad your appointment went well. I agree that your trust issues are something within yourself, and something that most likely resided there before he ever even came along. Trusting someone is scary. I may have said this before, but Dr Phil always says that it's not about trusting another person; it's about trusting yourself enough to know that you can handle whatever happens. That's hard for you, because you feel everything so deeply and will of course be affected. But you're getting stronger day by day, week by week.

 

I'm sorry that I'm not offering much feedback. I'm still just struggling a lot and I still have zero energy. There are moments when I feel a little better, but it doesn't last. I think you're doing great, though, and handling yourself very well. As always, I'm reading along with all your updates! I hope you have a great evening

 

Hi lostlove, I'm sorry to hear that you are not doing so well. Remember those feelings come in waves and I don't think it matters how long it has been since you broke up, you will still experience moments like this because your heart is still attached to him and the relationship. I'm just really sorry for your pain.

 

When you spoke about change or movement, I think you starting the Zoloft was a change. You said you responded well to it before and I think you will benefit in some way this time as well. Any change big or small is going to help you to move forward. Sometimes I wonder if you really and truly love someone, do you ever really get over them? I read all the time stories of people who are still in love with their ex, enter into a new relationship long after, and still they have these feelings buried for their ex. Sometimes both parties move on to new relationships and they still have feelings for eachother. I can see how that can happen. I read about it all the time, but in dealing with it, I'm not sure how. I guess to each its own. We all deal with things in our own way. I think you've done a great job of refraining from looking at their pages. If you found yourself looking, that doesn't mean you did anything wrong. It just means you're human. Remember, it's one day at a time. Take extra care of yourself while you are feeling down. And as always, I am here to listen and chat as much as you need.

 

As far as my situation with trust, I think you are right. Trusting someone is scary and my issues with jealousy and trust are within myself. They are issues that were there long before meeting him. I like what you wrote about dr Phil. That is exactly what I'm working so hard on. I need to be able to strong enough to handle whatever issues come my way. This brings me to our very first obstacle I was met with today. I didn't know how to react or if I should even react, so I froze and he felt it. He asked me over and over what was bothering me and I lied. I told him everything was ok. I just didn't want to make a big deal so I brush him off. Let me explain...

 

A little background...remember the married woman from Tampa? Well I'd periodically check up on her while him and I were separated. I found that she started a podcast with some female friends. They chat about past relationships, sex, etc. They post it on YouTube and even have an Instagram and Facebook page. We were sitting in the living room and he went to search something on YouTube (he has a smart tv) I saw in the search history..her podcast channel. It instantly changes my mood. Remember I have access to his Instagram, I saw weeks ago she followed him and he followed back. The page is run by her and her friends. It bothered me but I didn't allow it to get to me as we soon reconciled not long after that. He may have simply been curious and googled the channel to watch it, but I really don't know what to think. This woman has been an issue throughout our relationship. I trust that he isn't doing anything wrong. I know he isn't in contact with her. He is a grown man, but I dont think I can continue a relationship where he continues to keep tabs on his ex....a woman who he emailed during a time of conflict..while out of town. It just irks me the wrong way. I ended up being very quiet the whole evening. I don't know how to respond. I'm stuck. I don't even know if it's something I should even bring up that I saw it. I just need some time to process it all. I couldn't give him an explanation for my shift in mood. He is laying right next to me and I'm just stuck. This is a perfect example to show I am not strong enough yet. I think I should stop here before I dig up all those old hurt feelings from before. I guess I'll sleep on this. I need to figure out a way to process it all.

 

Hang in there lostlove. You're going to be ok. Thank you for checking in. I appreciate you.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. Thank you once again for your understanding, and for your great compassion. Your words are always so soothing, and I really appreciate that. That's what I need right now. You're right, the Zoloft was a step. A pretty big step, for me, after putting it off for so long. Tonight I took my second dose. I've read those stories, too, about people still thinking of their exes even years later. I assume that he has forgotten me completely and never cared, but I can't know that for sure. He told me a few times that once he loves someone, he'll love them forever. He also told me I was the only girl he'd ever truly been in love with. But I now question the truth in every single thing he said. He's probably saying the exact same things to this new girl. Ugh, whatever. I wish I could be indifferent, I really do. But the hurt remains.

 

So when you saw her podcast in his search history, could you tell when he had last viewed it (or listened to it)? Could you tell if he's viewed it since you two reconciled? I would have had the exact same reaction you did. And honestly, I think just about any girl would be bothered by it. So please don't feel like your feelings were wrong. As for what to do about it, I think I would lean towards not saying anything unless you have to (like if he keeps asking you why the mood shift). This would be a good time to practice self-soothing - self-talk to lower your anxiety about it. Since he's worried about things going back to how they were, I'm afraid if you bring it up he'll see it as further need to be cautious. It sucks, because you have every right and reason to be concerned by what you saw, given the history with her. I'm also wondering, though, if this is an opportunity to learn to communicate about these things. You could just calmly explain why you had a shift in mood (key word: calmly) and tell him you're working on trust issues and being less reactive. I don't mean to confuse you, because I know I'm stating two different options - and honestly as I'm typing this, I don't know which one is best. I think the worst thing you could do is be accusatory, but I don't think you're going to do that. Second worst would be pulling back and going cold, because I think you both need to remain open and loving right now. It's okay to be cautious, but not to the point of coldness. I don't foresee you doing this either, but I'm just throwing it out there.

 

Whatever you do (communicate, or say nothing), you do need to self-soothe, I believe. Tell yourself that he has chosen to be with you - he wants to be with you, even after all that has happened. Tell yourself that he could have just been bored, or curious, or wanted to make sure she wasn't saying anything about him. Tell yourself whatever you need to tell yourself in order to feel less threatened by it, so that it doesn't ruin your mood or make you react towards him. I had to do A LOT of that with mine throughout the whole two years, because everything worried me. I actually wrote it all down, every single day. Like if he didn't answer a text, I listed ten alternative thoughts rather than believing that he was off cheating. It helped somewhat, and I think it'll help you. I think it's a skill you're going to have to master, because there will always be something you'll feel you need to worry about. You can never know for sure that someone won't do something behind your back, so I guess you do have to make a choice to trust them.

 

I'm not sure if any of that is helpful, but those are my thoughts. I think it's good that you didn't react and say something immediately about the YouTube search - you're taking your time to think it through. For what it's worth, I don't believe it's anything to worry about. (Although I can 100% understand how you're feeling.). If he listened to it before you two reconciled, then it's really a complete non-issue. He was bored, you two weren't talking, so he gave it a listen. If he listened to it after the reconcilliation, then he was just curious. If you can't tell when he listened, I would assume that it was before reconcilliation.

 

Let me know tomorrow how you're feeling about it. Talk soon!

[Ksol9]

Thank you lostlove for your kind words. I feel the same about you. You somehow help me to put things into perspective. I've always said that the progress I've made this far is a result of therapy and the help of you and the rest who have invested themselves in my story. You've been a great friend to me from the very beginning.

 

I don't believe he has forgotten about you and as you've told me many times, the silence make me it very easy to down play all that you shared with him. That doesn't have to be the case. I believe your relationship was of significance. It just feels like it didn't matter because of how things ended and how he has moved on. I understand the anger and the pain. For months I thought he didn't love me or never really cared. It was horrible and that pain didn't look like it was going anywhere. It was only when we spoke that I realized he was going through his own pain and heartache due to the breakup. Who would've thought love can leave you so hopeless and in this kind of pain. I've never experienced anything like this...at this age. You're a very strong woman to have endured this and I think you are doing well. You are getting better.

 

After giving everything some thought I decided that I would try not to allow it to bother me. My therapist actually said exactly what you wrote. He advised that if there is anything bothering me such as what I saw on the YouTube search, I shouldn't say anything about it unless I have to. It's trivial and to be honest I think it was done out of curiousity. I spent the night with him last night. He left for work before me, so I turned on the tv to see if the search was recent and it was. He searched that particular episode yesterday. It was upsetting..that was my initial reaction. I'm not angry just thinking back to all the issues we've had with this individual. How am I supposed to get closure? I don't want us to end up in the same situation as before. I don't want us to go down that same road, but if this woman is some how some way popping up, how can I get closure from those past issues? I don't plan to say anything to him unless he asks me what is bothering me again. I spoke to him this morning and he notified I was being a little quiet, but he didn't directly ask what was bothering me again. I also understand that the married woman and her friends are networking and trying to promote their podcast. They're all over the net chatting and promoting to everyone they know. He must have went to their Facebook page and there was an announcement about the new episode. He went to YouTube and searched the new episode. I don't feel good about that. I don't search or keep up with any of my ex's or what they are up to. Of course my mind can go off and think about all kinds of worst case scenarios, but I am trying to do what you said. Self soothe and understand that he has chosen to be with me. I believe with everything that he has good intentions, but I do need to find some sort of closure on those past transgressions in order for me to be able to put it to rest in my heart.

 

I'm not going to hold this against him and I'm going to spend the day alone trying to reflect. I'm feeling a little down and sad about the whole thing. If he asks me what is bothering me again, I'll be honest about it, but if not, it's just something that I'm going to move past. I don't know if this is the right attitude or if it's the right way to go about this. I think the most important thing is that I am ok. This is not about upsetting him or rocking the boat. This is about ME and what is ok with me. I need to do what feels right to me.

 

 

Hope you're having a better day today. Will check back in later.

[Ksol9]

I just re-read your post and you said that he could just be curious because he wanted to see if she said anything about him. That is a good point. I guess if one of my ex's stared a podcast about sex, I would be curious to see if he spoke about me. I didn't think about it like that, but maybe that's what was behind the curiousity.

 

For what it's worth, I've watched the videos and she doesn't speak of him. She talks about he past relationships. She openly talks about being promiscuous, he relationship with her husband, and her troubles finding a serious relationship. The first episode she spoke about living with her husband and having a boyfriend, but recent episodes seem like she is no longer with the boyfriend. Her situation just grosses me out and him searching for that irks me. Irks me a lot. I can't help but react. I want to be cold but I'm trying not to. I don't want to distance myself, but I'm doing it anyway. Just going to spend the day processing it all.

[Ksol9]

Just wanted to update. I think writing helps me process it all. We spoke on the phone a little bit ago. He asked what was wrong and i realized I needed to be honest, so I told him. I explained that I loved him and that I didn't want us to go down the same road we were on before. I said that I saw the search while we were sitting on the couch. I explained that I have had issues with this same woman in the past and I'd like to have closure on it, but it's difficult when things like this constantly arise. I said the past is in the past and I wanted it to stay there but I felt uncomfortable when I saw that. He tried to interrupt me a few times and I could hear the tension in his voice. He was saying he got a notification on Instagram and was curious so he looked it up. He was defensive, but I assured him that I wasn't upset and I didn't want it to create a problem. I kept telling him I loved him and that I think him and I are on the right track. I assured him that I am not accusing him of anything, but that it did raise some concern and that is all. He asked how I knew that was her podcast and I explained that I didn't come back into this relationship blindly and that I am a smart woman. He said he understood what I was trying to say.

 

I feel better that I got it off my chest, but I just hope this doesn't make things awkward between us. He was very quiet on the phone and his tone of voice didn't sound good. He wasn't angry but just very quiet as though something was wrong. I asked him if he was ok and he said yes. I honestly feel like I'm doing the right thing. I was honest about my feelings. Now I'm just going to put that behind me and move forward. He has to go it of town for work tomorrow and I'll be driving to my sisters to pick up my mom.

 

Hope everyone is enjoying their day.

[Ksol9]

Ran into another problem. He went to get a haircut and I was waiting for him at his home. Something told me to look through his overnight bag. I found 3 condoms in a side pocket and an open box of condoms with 2 missing from the pack. My heart sank. Was this in there from before came back or did he just purchase those when he went out of town last week? I looked in that bag before and I don't recall seeing them. Granted I didn't look through it like I did today. I'm in shock right now.

 

He picked me up at home and we went to the store. I asked him if he loved me and he said yes. I asked him if he loved me then he would tell the truth and he said yes. I asked him if he slept with anyone while we were apart and he said no. I asked him about 4 more times. Same answer. Then I told him about the condoms. I specifically said there are 2 missing from the box. He said he remembers giving one to a co worker saying I could ask his co worker. Anything he said was not going to work for me. I was so calm and cool. I handled that so well. He became defensive and angry. He asked where we stood and I said I didn't know. We arrived back at the house. I needed a moment to breathe. I went to my car to call my therapist and he went inside. As I was talking to my therapist, he came down and banged on my window. He said he was gong out of town early. I said ok and tried to close the door. He tried to stop me. He was angry. I left and he called shortly after. He said I'm gong to take a shower and if you want to talk you can call me. He hung up and I never called back. I immediately got on the road to go to my sisters house. I wasn't going to get anywhere trying to talk to him tonight. I didn't want him to leave, but he was so angry. He wasn't going to talk to me with honesty.

 

I don't know what to think. If he was sleeping with anyone while we were apart, he still lied to me. If he slept with someone recently he cheated. I will never know. I don't know what to do.

[UnchainedSoul]

Hi there Ksoi,

 

I haven't messaged for a while, but I have been watching your thread. I wasn't going to say anything tonight, but it sounds like you need some advice. My advice, first and foremost, is stay calm. You are dealing with an explosive personality, remind yourself of that. I hate to say this, but even if he did sleep with someone, does it really matter? I mean, why are you letting it bother you so much? I know it's a big thing because you are desperate to know the truth, but things like this will damage all the progress you have made.

 

Look, I am not excusing his behavior, but you will never get the answer you want by pushing. It's going to eat you alive if you don't know the truth, and if you are unhappy with his answer about him not sleeping with someone, will you ever be? You said that no matter what he said wasn't going to work for you. Do you see the problem in that? How can you build a relationship if you don't trust his answers? That would be very frustrating to me.

 

Just take your time Ksol. Breathe. Think this through. The YouTube channel bothered you. Now these unanswered condoms are. Remember what you were saying months ago about self-sabotage? Do you see the recurring pattern? You have to ask yourself, if you really want to be with this man, or anyone right now for that matter. I know you really wanted to reconcile and you were doing so well, but these problems are going to keep coming up Ksol. You have to face facts. I want to be gentle with you, and I have only your best interests in mind, but I think you really need to take a hard look at this situation. You have decided to move forward with this man, but all the same problems ARE STILL THERE.

 

What did you therapist say? Did he give you any advice? My heart goes out to you girl, it really does. This is a tough spot you're in. I hate to say it, but as much progress as you've made, you're hurt, he's angry. That's exactly where you left things before.

[boltnrun]

Hello ksol.

 

I'm sorry about what happened.

 

I can see you don't trust him. A woman doesn't go through the overnight bag of a man she trusts.

 

Now, given the past I don't think you did anything that many other women wouldn't have done. But I think it's important to really think about whether or not you can be in a relationship with a man you don't trust. Or if you think you can ever find a way to trust him.

 

And you reacted the same way, by retreating and refusing to discuss the situation further with him. I get that you are probably very upset and don't feel like you can speak to him right now without becoming emotional, but I also don't know that retreating and refusing to speak to him is the way to resolve conflicts. You know him, I don't, so I don't know if he also prefers to retreat or if he is the type to want to resolve conflicts immediately.

 

However, if you just are not able to trust him, there really isn't much point in trying to have a discussion.

 

I guess the big questions that you and your therapist might want to discuss are the ones I listed above regarding your ability to trust him now or any time in the future.

 

I hope you are able to resolve this situation in a way that is best for you.

[Ksol9]

Hi there Ksoi,

 

I haven't messaged for a while, but I have been watching your thread. I wasn't going to say anything tonight, but it sounds like you need some advice. My advice, first and foremost, is stay calm. You are dealing with an explosive personality, remind yourself of that. I hate to say this, but even if he did sleep with someone, does it really matter? I mean, why are you letting it bother you so much? I know it's a big thing because you are desperate to know the truth, but things like this will damage all the progress you have made.

 

Look, I am not excusing his behavior, but you will never get the answer you want by pushing. It's going to eat you alive if you don't know the truth, and if you are unhappy with his answer about him not sleeping with someone, will you ever be? You said that no matter what he said wasn't going to work for you. Do you see the problem in that? How can you build a relationship if you don't trust his answers? That would be very frustrating to me.

 

Just take your time Ksol. Breathe. Think this through. The YouTube channel bothered you. Now these unanswered condoms are. Remember what you were saying months ago about self-sabotage? Do you see the recurring pattern? You have to ask yourself, if you really want to be with this man, or anyone right now for that matter. I know you really wanted to reconcile and you were doing so well, but these problems are going to keep coming up Ksol. You have to face facts. I want to be gentle with you, and I have only your best interests in mind, but I think you really need to take a hard look at this situation. You have decided to move forward with this man, but all the same problems ARE STILL THERE.

 

What did you therapist say? Did he give you any advice? My heart goes out to you girl, it really does. This is a tough spot you're in. I hate to say it, but as much progress as you've made, you're hurt, he's angry. That's exactly where you left things before.

 

Hi unchained. Thank you for writing. I need the support right now. I'm really proud of myself for how I handled the discussion I had with him after finding the condoms, but I am not happy about what happened thereafter. I left town, he left town and as you said, we are back to where we left off. The same pattern once again. I did speak to him while I was on wh road. I called him. We both agreed that no matter what he said, I wouldn't believe it. He asked me to trust him and have faith in him. I'm still shaking my head because what is a single grown man walking around with an open box of condoms in his overnight bag. I keep telling myself that I must be a total fool to believe he wasn't sleeping with anyone while we were apart. He swears he didn't. I just don't know what to do from this point forward. I will continue to self savatoge because I don't want to believe him. Him and I will soon fall apart if I don't get a hold of myself very quickly. He left town and I was already thinking the worst. That he ran away for another reason. I am trying to change, but I don't see how this situation could have been handled any different. There is one thing you said that made a huge impact. I will never get the answer I'm looking for by pushing. I need to take some space from him. I've called him a few times already. I am now at my sisters house and I am settled in. I need to just sit with my thoughts, process this, and let it take its course. There is nothing I can do. He kept telling me that I think the very worst of him. That he wouldn't be doing this with me if he wanted to be sleeping around. That he wouldn't go to church and pray for us to make things work. He apologized for not throwing them away sooner. I'm laying here thinking I am going to be the biggest dummy on the face of the planet if I decide to buy that.

 

Thank you for writing. Thank you for being here when I need you the most. I hope that you are doing ok. My thoughts are all over the place. I want to chat more, but I don't even feel like myself right now.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I read your posts earlier, but wasn't able to sit down and reply til now. I'm so sorry this has happened. I'm sure you're feeling very unsettled right now. I almost hate to say it, because I know you might need some positivity right now, but I really agree with all that bolt and unchained said above This is the exact same issue as before, playing out again in the exact same way. I can't really say it any better than either of them said it, so I won't try. I'm sure after you've had some time to calm down, and after reading their posts, you can see it, too. It didn't take long for this to flare up again. This just shows that the underlying issues are still there. Have either of you tried to reach out since you left the parking lot? I'm not sure if shutting each other out right now is the way to go. Do you feel like talking to him?

 

I'm really interested to hear what your therapist said?

 

I'm sure that I probably would have reacted the same way you did, honestly. Those two things (podcast and condoms) would have bothered me too. So I get it. You tried to ask him calmly, and he got angry and defensive. His reaction doesn't do much for settling your mind, does it? Not at all. Half of this is you and your trust issues, and half of it is his shady past behavior and his defensive reactions. I don't think we can put the entirety of the blame on either element; it's both your issues and his issues combining into these repeated blow-ups. If he was a different sort of person, and/or if you were a different sort of person, things might go more smoothly.

 

You're going to both have to want to work this out and figure out together how to tackle these issues. I really do think couples counseling would be beneficial, if he would jump on board. If not, then I think you're going to have to make a commitment to each other that you'll keep trying until you get it right. Walking away and shutting each other out is not going to resolve the problem. Taking time to think before talking might be necessary, but you both need to feel secure that that's what will happen. Here instead, you both immediately left town.

 

I feel so bad pointing this all out, but I think you need to feel clear about what just happened in order to figure out how to proceed. You really DON'T trust him at this point, and I probably wouldn't either. And when I say that, I don't mean that he can't be trusted - I simply mean that I myself would be having the same worries and suspicions that you are, because we are so alike. So please don't at all feel like I'm criticizing anything you've done, because I'm really not. Trust is a very difficult thing, especially after all you've gone through with him. I'm sure there are girls out there who could brush some of these things off and not be bothered by them, but you aren't like that. I'm not like that. A lot of women aren't like that. The way you're feeling is not uncommon by any means.

 

I think I'll wait to see if you update before I try to say anything else. I do want to know what your therapist said. Hang in there, and try to think calmly like Unchained said. I'll keep checking in over the next couple hours.

[lostlove76]

I see you wrote while I was writing. Going to read that now.

[lostlove76]

Hi unchained. Thank you for writing. I need the support right now. I'm really proud of myself for how I handled the discussion I had with him after finding the condoms, but I am not happy about what happened thereafter. I left town, he left town and as you said, we are back to where we left off. The same pattern once again. I did speak to him while I was on wh road. I called him. We both agreed that no matter what he said, I wouldn't believe it. He asked me to trust him and have faith in him. I'm still shaking my head because what is a single grown man walking around with an open box of condoms in his overnight bag. I keep telling myself that I must be a total fool to believe he wasn't sleeping with anyone while we were apart. He swears he didn't. I just don't know what to do from this point forward. I will continue to self savatoge because I don't want to believe him. Him and I will soon fall apart if I don't get a hold of myself very quickly. He left town and I was already thinking the worst. That he ran away for another reason. I am trying to change, but I don't see how this situation could have been handled any different. There is one thing you said that made a huge impact. I will never get the answer I'm looking for by pushing. I need to take some space from him. I've called him a few times already. I am now at my sisters house and I am settled in. I need to just sit with my thoughts, process this, and let it take its course. There is nothing I can do. He kept telling me that I think the very worst of him. That he wouldn't be doing this with me if he wanted to be sleeping around. That he wouldn't go to church and pray for us to make things work. He apologized for not throwing them away sooner. I'm laying here thinking I am going to be the biggest dummy on the face of the planet if I decide to buy that.

 

Thank you for writing. Thank you for being here when I need you the most. I hope that you are doing ok. My thoughts are all over the place. I want to chat more, but I don't even feel like myself right now.

 

I know this message was to Unchained, but I'm just replying to your update. I'm really glad to hear that you talked to him. Stonewalling won't do anyone any good. It's really tempting, because pride kicks in, but it can be very damaging. So it's good you talked a little.

 

I don't think he has cheated. IF he slept with anyone, it was definitely while you two were apart and not back together. And that's just an "if." If he did, I don't think he would tell you, because he wants this to work. If he told you he did, you would most likely drop him, and he knows that and doesn't want that to happen. So IF he did, then that would be the reason for his dishonesty about it now. But we really don't know if he did or not, and there's no way to know unless he tells you - which he most likely won't. Given that, do you think you could make peace with not knowing rather than trying to decide whether to believe him? Is there any way you could make it a non-issue in your mind and just move forward? I know that it does matter, but do you really have any other options here? You can't force him to confess if he did, and you don't believe him when he says that he didn't. So the only alternative is to accept that you just can't know, and either work to not let it bother you, or decide you can't trust him and that's the end of things. Is there anything at all he could do or say to prove he didn't sleep with anyone, or to at least help ease your mind a little?

 

I know you need time to think, so I won't say much more for now unless you write again. I'm just so sorry this has happened, and I know how you must be feeling. Please write if you need to sort through your thoughts some more. We're all here for you. Big hugs.

[Ksol9]

Lostlove, I'm very confused. All I'm focusing on is the condoms and if they were used last week when he went out of town or even if he used them before we got back together, why lie. He actually said to me during the first conversation that if he slept with anyone while we were apart, he wouldn't tell me because he wouldn't want to hurt my feelings. What does that tell you? What do I do from here? I understand this is a tough situation to be in for both of us. I don't want to lose the relationship becauae I found condoms that I don't know when they were used. I think it's pretty obvious they are his condoms and he used some of them. He told me he gave one to a co worker and that he has never slept with anyone while we were apart. I have a problem if that is not the truth. Why lie? You are right that I feel very unsettled.

 

He sent a text a few minutes ago asking how I was doing. I should have responded asking..how do you think I'm doing? Instead I wrote ok. He said he was getting food to go and I didn't respond. I am not shutting him out. I don't want to. I just think he made the wrong decision to leave town while we were having this problem. I wasn't going to leave him. I handled this whole thing opposite of what I normally would have done and still ended up in the same crap. I'm so torn inside. I'm in so much pain. I want to believe him. He keep saying to have faith in him. To trust him. I am listening, but I don't know how to handle this from here. Do we continue to talk about it? Do I question? What happens from here? I understand how he must feel and I know he understands how I feel, but how do you trust something like this? I found condoms and an open box. It's a scary situation to be in. He could be there out of town with someone else and come back home to me with a disease. I feel like I'm dealing with someone who lies to me to save my feelings. Think about that...lies are lies. They hurt far more than the truth. As unchained said..I can't push. I will get no where if I push. Right now I just don't know where to begin.

 

Is it right to brush this off? You said there are some women who can. You find comdoms, the man travels, do you brush it off and trust that he isn't sleeping around? Even if he was sleeping around while we were apart, he is entitled to that, but why make matters worse by lying about it? He knows it would at least help me understand and come to terms about the condoms..then it would actually make sense. Why say you haven't slept with anyone period, but have condoms in your bag..an open box at that? He is asking me to just shut up and deal with it? What am I missing here? I deserately want to repair. I want us to be ok, but I don't know what to do.

[lostlove76]

Lostlove, I'm very confused. All I'm focusing on is the condoms and if they were used last week when he went out of town or even if he used them before we got back together, why lie. He actually said to me during the first conversation that if he slept with anyone while we were apart, he wouldn't tell me because he wouldn't want to hurt my feelings. What does that tell you? What do I do from here? I understand this is a tough situation to be in for both of us. I don't want to lose the relationship becauae I found condoms that I don't know when they were used. I think it's pretty obvious they are his condoms and he used some of them. He told me he gave one to a co worker and that he has never slept with anyone while we were apart. I have a problem if that is not the truth. Why lie? You are right that I feel very unsettled.

 

I know you're confused. None of this is easy Let me reply to this paragraph before I read on. The reason he would lie is because he doesn't want to hurt you, and he doesn't want to lose you. He's in between a rock and a hard place here, big time. Let's suppose that he did sleep with someone during the breakup (and we don't know whether he did or not, but let's suppose that he did). He knows how that would make you feel. Worst case scenario, you would get angry and break things off; best case, you would be really hurt. So there really is no good outcome. Yes, it's wrong to lie, but I'm sure he feels stuck. On top of that, if he confesses now, he would then have to also confess to having lied. He knows how bad that looks, to lie. So what's the easiest solution? Deny deny deny.

 

I'm not at all in any way excusing his lying, IF he's lied (and we really don't know that he is). But I'm explaining why he would potentially lie, and that his motivation is purely to protect you and the relationship. If he didn't want to be with you, if he didn't love you, then he would just say screw it. But he's not. He's wanting to talk, he's wanting things to be okay. I honestly don't know whether or not he's lying about sleeping with someone during the breakup. I couldn't even begin to guess. People in general will lie when it suits them, and can sound very convincing. So there's really just no way to know. But I honestly don't think he would have slept with someone after you two reconciled. He wouldn't have wanted to. And he would have been acting weird and guilty if he did.

 

Let me read the rest of your post and then comment more...

[Ksol9]

I know this message was to Unchained, but I'm just replying to your update. I'm really glad to hear that you talked to him. Stonewalling won't do anyone any good. It's really tempting, because pride kicks in, but it can be very damaging. So it's good you talked a little.

 

I don't think he has cheated. IF he slept with anyone, it was definitely while you two were apart and not back together. And that's just an "if." If he did, I don't think he would tell you, because he wants this to work. If he told you he did, you would most likely drop him, and he knows that and doesn't want that to happen. So IF he did, then that would be the reason for his dishonesty about it now. But we really don't know if he did or not, and there's no way to know unless he tells you - which he most likely won't. Given that, do you think you could make peace with not knowing rather than trying to decide whether to believe him? Is there any way you could make it a non-issue in your mind and just move forward? I know that it does matter, but do you really have any other options here? You can't force him to confess if he did, and you don't believe him when he says that he didn't. So the only alternative is to accept that you just can't know, and either work to not let it bother you, or decide you can't trust him and that's the end of things. Is there anything at all he could do or say to prove he didn't sleep with anyone, or to at least help ease your mind a little?

 

I know you need time to think, so I won't say much more for now unless you write again. I'm just so sorry this has happened, and I know how you must be feeling. Please write if you need to sort through your thoughts some more. We're all here for you. Big hugs.

 

I'm very aware of all the wrong I did before with stonewalling. All it did was lead us into 3 months of silence. I don't want to mistreat him. I am very uneasy about him being out of town right now as we are not really speaking. I know he doesn't want to call me because he knows we will get into a long merry go round of a conversation. That was the reason for the how are you text.

 

I agreed with your post from beginning to finish. Deep down in my heart, I don't really believe he cheated last week when he went out of town. I honestly believe those condoms were used to sleep around while we were apart. I have a major problem with the fact that he can't be honest with me about that. I am a woman he wants to spend his life with and he can't be honest with me about our time apart. Especially since I've found condoms that are making me question if he has cheated. I will never know either way. I think you are absolutely right that he wouldn't tell me if he slept with someone while we were apart because he just wants us to work. He knows that will open another can of worms that will have a lasting effect. This hurts me either way and I guess he feels it will hurt me less with me not knowing for sure. He would rather me live with the question of if he cheated rather than me living with confirmation that there was someone else while we were apart. Like you said, "if" he did, that would be the reason for his dishonesty.

 

Ive been talking about letting him do his part for the past few weeks. I feel really scared. What if he was sleeping with someone he knows from out of town when they work and he continues to sleep with that person? Don't you think this is too dangerous and risky of a situation for me to be in? Am I supposed to let him do his part and allow him to show me he being faithful?

 

I think this is what it all boils down to..

 

You asked if I thought I could make peace with not knowing rather than if I believed him. Could I make it a non issue and move forward. Do I have any other option. I think my only option if I want to save the relationship is to accept that I will never know (same with the email). I tried to walk away with a clean break after the email..ended up right back with him. I love this man and I want to trust him with every bone in my body. I don't think there is anything at all that he can do to prove to me he didn't sleep with anyone. There isn't anything he can do to help ease my mind other than be there for me. I feel very afraid and he just picked up and left without a care. He ran. I don't know what will happen after today. We may not speak again. He may keep his distance me keep mine. I want to resolve this quickly and he wants to retract (I think bolt spoke about this earlier).

 

I was very honest...very very honest when I spoke to him. With each phone call, I told him that I loved him and that I chose to be with him.l, but I just felt very afraid that he was sleeping with other women. He doesn't want me to know he slept with anyone else. I realize this as it is all settling in. I think I have a bigger problem with the fact that he can't be honest with me and would rather spare my feelings or any backlash he might experience long term. I don't want to let him go and one of the last things he said to me was that this was up to me and that the ball was in my court. I think I could get to a place where I could just decide to put this aside Knowing he didn't want to tell me about anyone else while we were apart. I just think it will hurt me a lot for a long time thinking there could be someone else while he is out of town.

 

This is my worst nightmare.

[lostlove76]

You said there are some women who can.

Let me respond to this, and then I'll reply to the rest in one more post. Sorry for all the separate posts. This is just easy to answer, and the other will take more thought. Just to clarify what I meant by that... Yes, there are some women who could brush it off, but they would most likely fit into one or more of the following categories:

1. They don't much care what their man does, because they aren't serious themselves

2. They're the highly independent type and just don't look for, or notice, any potential problems. They're more focused on their career or some other thing, and the relationship is just one facet of their life rather than the main one.

3. They're naturally trusting and secure. This would fall under the secure types in attachment theory.

In all of the above, these women probably would not have even looked in the overnight bag in the first place. If they randomly happened upon the condoms, the first two types just wouldn't much care. The third, secure type, would probably just believe his explanation, because they live by trust. This sounds kind of stupid as I'm typing it, because it's so overly generalized. But that's kind of what I meant by that statement. I would say that there are very few women who could just brush it off. Most would feel exactly like you do.

[Ksol9]

I was feeling so good about our relationship and future. I handled the podcast thing with poise and grace. I said to myself after getting it off my chest...wow, now we can move forward! And I did. I put it out of my head. Amazing what you are capable of doing when you put your mind to it. My day just took a huge turn for the worse when I found those condoms. The more I write, I'm pretty sure he was probably sleeping with other women and just didn't want to tell me. He went to the store to buy condoms for a reason, not to just have them on him for precaution. I feel deep down inside he was sleeping around before we got back together. Here I was thinking he was at home thinking about me. Foolish of me. Shame on me.

 

I think I am already beginning to accept that I will just have to go on the fact that I believe he slept with others during our time apart and that the reason for his dishonesty is as you said, he is protecting me and my feelings. My therapist clearly told me to not make any decisions. To sit with my thoughts for a day or so. He then told me to call my bf and try to talk if he doesn't try to communicate before. If he isn't open to talking then I have my answer. If he is, then we can go from there. I don't think he will try to talk to me. He wants me to accept what he said and that's it. I don't know how I'm going to be ok with him going out of town. It was already an issue but I had reached a place where I was ok.

 

I keep thinking about how he kept asking me why it is so hard to believe that he didn't sleep with anyone while we were apart. I'm pretty sure that's all apart of the lie. He asked me to have faith in him. I've never experienced things like this. The condoms, the email, all things that I have to decide if I can live with. I want to communicate with him, but I think it's best I just keep my distance. Maybe it's better I say less.

[lostlove76]

There are several things I want to reply to, and I'm afraid I'll miss something. But let me start with this. You say he just left town without a care. I'm not seeing it this way at all. You're thinking emotionally right now and kind of twisting the events, if you don't mind my saying so. If I understood correctly, you got in your car to call your therapist - but maybe he thought you were going to just leave? So he reacted defensively and said he was leaving town. So you went to pull out and leave, and he tried to stop you but you wouldn't let him. So he said call me if you want to talk (indicating that he did want to talk). So then you left, and then I guess he left town too. You were BOTH reacting in an upset manner and you were BOTH running away. But then you called him (I think you called first?). You talked a bit. He later followed up and asked if you're okay. You both have a tendency to run away. But you both tried to reach out a little and talk, so that is good. I just think it's important to see things how they really happened, because I know how easy it is to go down that rabbit hole of convincing yourself that he doesn't care.

 

I wasn't getting on to you about past stonewalling. I'm a huuuuge stonewaller, always have been. It's my go-to reaction to any conflict. So I fully understand how easy and tempting it is to do that. I know for me, it makes me feel some measure of control during times when I feel powerless. It's also kind of a form of punishment - I feel hurt, so I'm going to hurt them back by acting cold and putting up an impenetrable wall. Just being honest about why I do it, and maybe you can relate and do it for similar reasons. I know you're trying not to do that now. I think too, though, that going silent just to take time to think (rather than for the reasons I named above) can be perceived as stonewalling and has the same effect on the other person. Unless you tell them that you need time to think, rather than just not responding.

 

As far as moving forward from here... I know you're upset right now, but I think you want to work things out. I know you love him and want to be with him. I know you don't want to go back to the awful silence of before. I don't think you're ready to say you can't, or don't want to, be with him. So if that's the case, then I think the most important thing right now is to keep the communication open. Don't let this fall back into a silence, even if you have to be the one to speak first, and even if you have to reply to him when you really aren't ready or don't want to. Just say something.. Tell him you need to sleep on it. Tell him you're not sure how to proceed but that you want things to be made right. Just be open and honest. It doesn't help at all that he's so darn defensive, but it seems like that was his initial reaction and then he softened. You guys have a whole lot of communication issues to work through. But for right now, just keep talking (I don't mean right this second tonight, but regularly). If he gets nasty and angry, tell him you'll talk to him when he calms down. Let each other know that you're not bailing out.

 

But back to the condoms. I think part of your concern is that he's going to cheat with whoever he may have slept with during the breakup, is that right? That it'll be easy for him to do so while he's out of town? If he does that, it will come out, and then you'll know for sure what kind of person he is. He would have to be a pretty sh1ttty person to do such a thing. But unless and until he does that, I do think you're going to have to make a decision to trust him. If you want to stay with him. As has been talked about here all along, if you look for negatives, negatives will appear. If you focus on the positives, focus on connecting and loving and being happy, then you two have a much better shot at this. I know how hard that is, and I know it doesn't seem fair or right to let certain things go. But I don't think there's any other option at this point. Also, if and when these things do come about like is currently happening, it's going to be much less damaging if you two can get through it quickly rather than letting it fester or drag on. It's okay to fight - all couples fight. But the make-up, and moving forward without resentment, is what's important.

 

I'm not sure if any of this is helpful, or if it even answers any of your questions. I'm thinking and typing quickly because I know you're in crisis mode and I want to get it all out. I hope it doesn't sound too blunt. I fully empathize and feel for you I'm just trying to help you work through it, because I know you want things to be okay with him. Maybe sleep on it and see if things feel more clear in the morning. I'm so sorry all this is happening.

 

I don't think you said what your therapist said?

 

I'll be up for a while longer. Sending lots of hugs your way.

[lostlove76]

I was feeling so good about our relationship and future. I handled the podcast thing with poise and grace. I said to myself after getting it off my chest...wow, now we can move forward! And I did. I put it out of my head. Amazing what you are capable of doing when you put your mind to it. My day just took a huge turn for the worse when I found those condoms. The more I write, I'm pretty sure he was probably sleeping with other women and just didn't want to tell me. He went to the store to buy condoms for a reason, not to just have them on him for precaution. I feel deep down inside he was sleeping around before we got back together. Here I was thinking he was at home thinking about me. Foolish of me. Shame on me.

 

I think I am already beginning to accept that I will just have to go on the fact that I believe he slept with others during our time apart and that the reason for his dishonesty is as you said, he is protecting me and my feelings. My therapist clearly told me to not make any decisions. To sit with my thoughts for a day or so. He then told me to call my bf and try to talk if he doesn't try to communicate before. If he isn't open to talking then I have my answer. If he is, then we can go from there. I don't think he will try to talk to me. He wants me to accept what he said and that's it. I don't know how I'm going to be ok with him going out of town. It was already an issue but I had reached a place where I was ok.

 

I keep thinking about how he kept asking me why it is so hard to believe that he didn't sleep with anyone while we were apart. I'm pretty sure that's all apart of the lie. He asked me to have faith in him. I've never experienced things like this. The condoms, the email, all things that I have to decide if I can live with. I want to communicate with him, but I think it's best I just keep my distance. Maybe it's better I say less.

 

Men, unfortunatly, will often use sex with random people as a way to escape hurt feelings after a breakup. Instead of sitting with their loneliness and figuring things out, they dull their feelings by getting attention and ego-boost and good physical feelings wherever they can find it. I don't like it, I don't agree with it. I think it's lame, and I think it's horrible to hook up with others so soon after a breakup. It's extremely hurtful, and it makes us feel like they never cared. But this is just how many men are, I am coming to realize. From my own experience, I feel like it's so much worse if they jump into a new relationship or form an emotional bond with someone. Physical is just physical. Men can have sex with no feelings, unlike many woman. So IF (and I again reitierate the "if," because we really don't know) he slept with others during the breakup, it had nothing to do with a lack of feelings for you. He did miss you, and he was thinking of you. He probably thought you were never coming back, and he was trying to escape his feelings. Again, horrible, but men are just so different.

 

I think if it were me, ksol, on this one issue... I would try to put it aside. That's in fact what I did do when mine came back on more than one occasion. I loved him so much, and I wanted to be with him. I didn't want to be a doormat by any means. But I had to choose my battles, so to speak. I knew he had been with others during the time apart, and I chose to put it completely out of my head and assume it didn't mean anything. For some reason, I was able to do this very easily. I guess because I was just so happy to have him in my life again. I didn't consider it cheating, because we weren't together. I didn't like it, and it did hurt very much. But I chose not to even think about it. There were other issues of course, and you guys also have other issues. But I'm just talking about this one thing, the possibility of him having slept with others during the breakup.

[UnchainedSoul]

Hey there everyone,

 

I just wanted to put my two cents in before everyone headed off to bed. Rest Ksol. Rest your mind. I will have more to offer in the morning when I get some rest think about things and give you objective advice. Lostlove, you've been wonderful tonight and so has bolt. We want what's best for you and we hate to see you in such pain. There are a million things going through my mind as I read your posts. Do I tell her to back off and let it rest? Do I tell her to keep communication open like lostlove said? Do I tell her just to be brutally honest and say you don't believe him? All of those suggestions can lead to distance and some defensiveness on his part. He is quite explosive as I mentioned before and with people like that you have to take extra time in communicating.

 

Just rest now. we will figure things out in the morning. I will think about what I want to say some more, and I will check up on you tomorrow. Keep writing if you must but try and breathe for a while and keep calm. My heart is racing for you as I know this is a hard time. Take good care of yourself. You come first, always remember that.