Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove, thank you for stopping by. It's always a pleasure to hear from you. Sorry that you didn't sleep well. I hope the benedryl will help tonight. Also, thank you for the link. I will read it tomorrow. The title looks very interesting. I just wanted to update.

 

I just got in from the hospital. My sister and baby are doing well. He is so adorable. I fell in love with him at first sight. Precious little thing. I'm just so overjoyed. My sister had a smooth delivery. They're both healthy and doing well. I am exhausted. I'm going to try to get some sleep and then we will head back to the hospital. I will most likely head home tomorrow in the afternoon. I'm so happy to be here to experience this, but I am so tired that I can't wait to get back to my house and back to my normal routine. Im not looking forward to the 4 hour drive home tomorrow.

 

I'll chat with you again soon. I hope you have a better day today.

[lostlove76]

Thanks ksol, the Benadryl did help and i think I got a full night of sleep. Congrats on the arrival! There is nothing more innocent than a brand new baby. I'm glad you got a few days off work, but I can see how it could have been exhausting, being at the hospital and all. I hope you get some good sleep tonight for your drive tomorrow. It always feels good to get back home. I hope you have a good day with sister and baby, and I'll check back in later

[Ksol9]

Thank you lostlove. I got home very late last night. The long drive and lack of sleep had me in a zombie zone. I got some sleep last night, but not enough. I'm trying to get back into the routine of work this morning, but I'm still a little out of it. Luckily, I just have a few things to do and then I'm taking the rest of the day off to rest and recharge. How are things with you?

 

My mood is sort of off this morning. Maybe because of the lack of sleep. I've been feeling a little sad about my situation with him. Yesterday on my drive home, we were talking on the phone. He got another call from a co worker. I told him to call him back and that I was just going to drive and listen to music. He said he would call me back. Before hanging up..in a hurry...he sort of mumbled I love you. I just said bye and we hung up because I wasn't exactly sure if he said I love you. Since we reconnected, neither one of us had said I love you. he still hasn't told me how he feels about me. I guess all of those things are kind of weighing on me today. I know we are basically starting over, but it's strange that we suppress our feelings for eachother..more him than me. Even when we are together in person, he isn't affectionate like he used to be...it's more me than him. He's apprehensive for the reasons we discussed, but there's still thoughts in the back of my mind that there is something else going on.

 

I know I can't pressure him and I'm not letting it eat me alive, but it's just thoughts that are floating around in my head. I'm still going to take my time. My therapist has no idea what has developed with him. Will be setting up an appointment with him soon. I really need to talk to him about everything. The last he heard was that I wasn't going to answer anymore text messages..a couple days after everything took a turn.

 

Hope you have a great Friday. Talk again soon.

[boltnrun]

Ksol, he's doing the right thing by not jumping right back in to being affectionate and saying "I love you".

 

That would be trying to pretend the bad parts of the past didn't happen. That would be rug-sweeping. And remember, that's what got you two to the bad place last time...pretending the bad stuff didn't happen.

 

You can't regard this as a "new" relationship because the past DID happen. And you can't just go right back to acting like a couple because you have NOT had "that" discussion yet.

 

I know I've said this before, but doing things the same way you did the last two times will result in the same thing happening again...another breakup.

 

If you want this relationship to last, the both of you need to work on some changes. I know you know this...if you can, try to remind yourself of this when you start getting impatient.

[Ksol9]

You're right bolt. I do think the both of us are finally doing the right thing by not jumping back into the same routine. It's just that I feel like we are in this awkward space. It's very hard for me at times. As I am starting to spend more and more time with him, I worry that we will get stuck in this space...no title, just spending time together casually, no real plan. That wouldn't be by my accord because I was very clear about what I want. I want to be in a committed relationship and I want us to progress and grow. I don't want to get stuck in place where things are undefined.

 

We are doing things very differently. We probably should have done this when we first me. We are moving slowly and carefully. I can see and feel the changes we are making, but I still worry about sweeping things under the rug. I still worry about my trust issues. All of that will sort itself out in time I suppose, but there hasn't been much conversation about "us" other than the few that I mentioned here. I am very impatient and I think that is what causes my anxiety. I want to know now. I want to know how he feels. All I can go off of is what we discussed last and it was that he is afraid we will end up in the same position again. I know he wants to try but it concerns me that he hasn't discussed any of his feelings for me. He is still a distant emotionally and distant in terms of affection at times. I need that kind of reassurance. That has gotten me in trouble in the past...needing constant reassurance, so I am going to take my time, think and sort through my feelings, and discuss it with therapist and friends here before reacting.

 

I have an appointment with my therapist Monday afternoon. I just can't wait to sit down and chat with him. I need his professional opinion about the route I am on in regards to the relationship. I'm just very unsure about where we are right now, if it's good or bad, or even if I am doing the right thing.

 

Hope everyone enjoys the rest of their weekend.

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone. Hope you all had an enjoyable weekend.

 

I had an amazing weekend with him. Friday I made dinner at home and we watched movies. Saturday we went to breakfast then went to get a couples massage, then had dinner. Today we went to visit a friend of his out of town. We went to a local food festival with them then had dinner before heading home. I'm exhausted, but I had an amazing time this weekend. He's so much fun to be around.

 

During dinner today, we had a discussion about our relationship again. I was talking about Facebook and why we were not friends. I said that for whatever reason it seems he doesn't want to share our lives together for friends and family. It wasn't that I cared about proving anything to others, it was just the action that he is still being apprehensive and may not be forthcoming about our relationship on Facebook..the same reason why i haven't told my family about us spending time together. I said that I felt sad about the whole thing sometimes. I asked directly if he was apprehensive to post anything because he's afraid we run into problems like we did last time and he said yes. He then went on to explain that he thought it was evident that we are back together. He said we have been spending a lot of time together and thought it wasn't something he had to say to me. He said he hopes that I don't think he is just being casual and may be seeing or talking to anyone else. He hoped that I didn't think he would do anything like that. I said I hoped not and I explained that I have been very clear about what I want. I made sure to put it on the table and I've been in the dark about how he feels. Everything I've been holding inside regarding that conversation, I told him. He said he isn't entertaining anything with anyone else and that he wants the same thing I want.

 

It is evident by the amount of time we have been spending with eachother that we are back together. It just was a huge relief to hear him say it. I needed to hear that. At the same time and I know it sounds childish.. I still felt like total crap that hes still a little reserved...even the fact that we aren't friends on Facebook makes me sad. He posted pictures that I took of him, but none of us together. Although he told me he is apprehensive because he doesn't want things to go down the same track, I still think at times maybe something else is going on. It doesn't feel good that he isn't sure about his feelings about me at all. It almost feels like he knows we are not going to work out. It just really sucks.

 

It's such a tough situation to be in right now. I'm so impatient. I want things to go back to the way they were minus all the toxic and unhealthy stuff. I want him to be open with me about his feelings. I want us to be able to tell eachother that we love eachother and not hold back. As I was walking away from him when I was leaving to come home, he says I love you. I didn't respond and acted as though I was too far away to hear him. I know we need to take our time, but I still don't know if this is ok. I feel scared that we will get stuck in this uncomfortable place. I also know that as uncomfortable as it is....right now we are commminicating about major issues, setting boundaries, and rebuilding trust. I am actually able to see that he is doing the right thing on his own. That alone is building trust.

[boltnrun]

Ksol, what is different from last time?

 

You're still carrying all that fear, anxiety and mistrust.

 

I mean, you got what you wanted! You are back together!

 

Why does it seem like you're never able to relax and enjoy the relationship?

 

Do you think you are self-sabotaging?

[Ksol9]

Maybe I am self sabatoging. I don't know what it is for sure yet. Maybe because things aren't where I want them to be yet. I honestly don't know how to explain it, but you asked a very important question. I think I need to take a step back and just think through all of this for the next couple of days.

 

I feel very different when I am with him. It feels like we are now dating for the first time. Remember upon meeting him, I went straight into the role of a step mother. We have never had any one on one time together to nurture our relationship. It seems like we are now really getting to know eachother. I feel completely safe when I am with him. I can be myself and we are literally laughing the entire time we are together. Whereas before, I didn't even feel like we were friends. I know it will take time to get from a to b. I guess I'm just a stress ball. I worry about the ride there rather than just enjoying the ride. As I sit here reflecting on the weekend, I should really just be appreciative for the wonderful time we spent together. He sent me a text saying he loves the time we spend together. We are learning to walk before we run and I should trust this process because it is necessary. If I continue to worry and carry this anxiety over things that are just negative thoughts, I will screw this up again. His actions are showing me he is doing the right thing and he is taking his time in doing so..., so why is it that I continue to look for reasons to be anxious and worried? I don't know.

 

Can't wait to update my therapist tomorrow...

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. Stopping in to say hello and see how your appointment went. It sounds like things are going pretty well and he's doing what he's supposed to do, but I agree with bolt that you're still feeling worried and suspicious like previous times. Did your therapist have any ideas on how to help you overcome this? When bolt said you aren't able to relax and enjoy the relationship... I can totally relate, because I've never been able to relax in any relationship. Ever. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. So I get how you're feeling. I just hope your therapist can teach you how to let go a little so that you guys have a good chance this time! It will take work... and patience. I understand the feeling of impatience, as well. I think all women experience this to some extent, in that most of us need the security of knowing where things stand and where things are headed. But it's a little more so for you and I.

 

As for me, I've been hanging in there, still going day by day. He's still been online a ton, other than a couple of days when he was pretty much MIA. I still haven't looked to see if they're still in a relationship. I'm sure they are, and I don't need to see that. It's just odd that he's on Facebook all the time. I wish I knew if he could see me too, but there's just no way to know. Maybe when I become a happier person, I won't feel the need to keep watching for him. I finally called the pharmacist and will start the Zoloft tomorrow (it takes me forever to start new things). And I finally got up the nerve to call for my thyroid results today, and everything was normal and fine. Lol. Huge relief, and all that worry for nothing.

 

Hope you had a good day, and please feel free to share what your therapist said if you get some time and want to write. Chat soon!

[Ksol9]

Hi there lostlove! So happy to hear from you. I think it's been a few days..I've been wondering how things are going with you.

 

Slow and steady wins the race. That's my motto. I actually wrote it on a sticky note and put it in my car. I'm at the gym right now and wanted to write a little bit as I'm taking a little break. Things are going ok. I'm doing far better than I thought I would. I thought it would be something I had to fight. Fight against feeling the way I used to..the negative thoughts etc. I still fight my thoughts and feelings, but my mindset is in a different place now so I think that is helping tremendously. I'm actually being pretty positive. I am still worried about all the little details that I've discussed in previous posts, but I think because I know him and I are focused on a common goal, I am a lot more at ease than I've ever been. Whatever it is that I'm doing, I need to keep doing it.

 

He called earlier to tell me he was going out of town for the night to help one of his co workers. It didn't change my mood immediately (like it would in the past). I've been preparing for this. Maybe it will sink in later and the negative thoughts will surface, but for now, I'm trying to keep myself focused on positive thoughts. He left the gym access card on his coffee table so I could use the gym in his community rather than pay for a gym membership. So here I am. Going to spend the night taking care of myself. Of course I'm thinking worst case scenarios, but I'm hiding them in the back of my mind and I'll keep them there for as long as I can. He's very focused on his career and I want to be supportive. That is what he needs and I need to be a strong woman who empowers herself by accomplishing her own goals. I believe he will love, admire, and respect me more in the long run for this. I keep telling myself...if he wants to talk to other women, cheat, or do whatever craziness that runs through my mind, he will end up alone eventually and I am only getting stronger. I truly believe I am on the right road now. I feel it deep in my heart. I've said this before...1 of 2 things will happen here. As I get stronger, we will learn and grow together and he will follow to suit or I will outgrow him and this relationship. I am not going to stop. I made a short term goal while I was sitting in my therapist's office. My homework for the his week is to start reading a new book my therapist suggested and I'm going to research some real estate courses. At one point a few years ago I took the class it never took the test. Maybe I'll finish what I started there and next semester, maybe I'll go back to graduate school. I want him beside me and I believe he sees me when he envisions his future. We're just trying to get this right. I'll never forget the foolishness he did. There is nothing to excuse it, but if he ever thinks of making those mistakes again, I feel sorry for him.

 

Before I get carried away writing...I'll write more later when I get home. I want to finish up my workout.

 

I'm happy to hear you were able to clear up those questions with the pharmacist. I don't know how Zoloft works, but I think I read somewhere it takes a little while for it to regulate in your system so it won't be immediate correct? As for him, I still can't figure out the logarithm for Facebook. I don't know why some can see who's online and others can't. Maybe it has to do with the type of phone or maybe it's random. That just reminded me... my guy and I are still not friends on Facebook. I can see him online and he can see me online. I have an iPhone and he has a Samsung galaxy. I don't know why he hasn't added me yet and I'm growing concerned, but I guess I Should give it some time rather than jump to conclusions. Going off subject again..but I don't know if there is anyway to tell if he can see you online. What you are going through just reminds me of what I was going through. We were in silence for months and he had no idea of the pain I was in for him. I had no idea what he was going through other than what I saw online. The same is going on with you. You still think of him and miss him. He has no idea. I really commend you for your strength because I just couldn't take the pain and that is why I reached out. I know our situations are different and you've managed for way longer than I could have, but I truly think you are doing what is best for you even though you have been going through a lot of suffering. I was wondering, does he ever come back to the town you live in? To visit family? Ok I better finish up here..be back later.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol! Good to hear back from you! Yes, it has been a few days. I started housesitting on Saturday, and will be here for the entire week. It's been a bunch of running back and forth between here, home, work, and some other dog sitting I was doing for another family just over the weekend. So I've been busy, and a bit irritable lol. I prefer to stay put in one place. I get super-stressed when I feel rushed. The Zoloft should help with that, but you are correct, it takes a few weeks to set in. Once it does, I'm going to let you know if there's a change in how much I worry. I think there will be, because it helped a lot with that in the past. I don't think I've ever been on it during a relationship, but it definitely made a HUGE difference in my health-related fears. I guess it somewhat stops the obsessive thoughts. I would never suggest to you that you should take it, but I do mention it as an option if you continue to have worries that you can't seem to rid yourself of. I don't like to rely on medicine, and you may not either. But anyhoo, I'll let you know whatever changes I feel as it sets in.

 

It sounds like you're having a good day and feeling strong. That's great! Maybe over time, the days of strength will begin to gradually outnumber the days of worry. For what it's worth, on the outside it seems like he really wants this and is doing what he should be doing. I don't think there's anything to worry about. I really don't think he's going to be doing anything stupid or inappropriate behind your back. If he had those intentions, he would have been messing around while you guys were broken up, or would have found someone else. He doesn't seem to want anyone else, so I think you're going to have to do your very best to trust him going forward. If he screws up, it'll come out without you having to be hypervigilant. Which leads me to the subject of him not adding you on Facebook yet...

 

I think I would trust what he says - he's not adding you because he's afraid things will turn out badly again. And then he would look foolish, wouldn't he, announcing every breakup and getting-back-together multiple times. Give it a little more time and I'm sure he'll trust more that this will stick, enough to add you back. Also too, though, I'm thinking that maybe he's afraid you'll look for things to be upset about - being overly watchful and worried, like I talked about in the last paragraph. He may be afraid you'll see some innocent like on a picture or something and turn it into a reason to be suspicious, and then problems will ensue. I think this is a valid worry (if he is indeed worried about it), and nothing to feel offended over. I often deleted mine as a friend when I saw something that made me jealous, and made my mind go immediately to cheating. And then I didn't even want to add him back, because I KNEW I would be searching high and low for "clues" that he was cheating. I figured it wasn't worth the stress and I was better off not being able to see everything. I accepted his request when he added me back a few times, but I didn't initiate it. You may be better off, too, at least for a little while. I know you can see his stuff through your friend's account, but if you and he were friends, I think you might have a tendency to feel bothered by certain things - like if he didn't post pics of you two and tag you, just for example, or similar such things. Maybe it's best to leave that complication off the table for a little while longer until you two are on more solid ground.

 

So that's good to know that he can see you online from a different type of phone. So that prob wouldn't be an issue with mine. I'm just wondering if I would still show up if he deleted my number. I don't think iPhones ever really delete a number, even if you manually delete it, but I don't know about his type of phone. And then he would have had to have synced his messenger with his phone contacts. So there's just no telling. He was on and off, on and off, on and off for several hours today up til 830pm and hasn't been on since. I think it's his day off. Yesterday he was on the entire time at work, then got off at 1am, and then I saw him back on at 230am. I don't know how long he stayed on because I didn't check it again. I guess I'm just hoping that with him being on so constantly, he's not with her a lot or at all. But then I think, well maybe he's talking to her on there. But then why do that instead of being together in person? He's on a lot when he's not at work, as well. He used to never get on when we were spending time together. So I just don't know. I'm probably twisting into what I want it to be, but I guess it's not doing any harm until my caring wears off.

 

I hope you had a good time at the gym. I bet it makes you feel really good. Hope you're having a good night, and chat more soon

[lostlove76]

I was wondering, does he ever come back to the town you live in? To visit family?

Oh, I forgot to answer this. He moved there in Oct 2015, then came home that Christmas for a day (but I didn't answer his call when he called to get together while he was here, because I was pissed about something). Since then, I have no clue if he's been back. I know that he hadn't been back by June of 2016 when we quit talking. If he came home at all, it was maybe this past Christmas, but I don't even know. He works so much, and is always drunk when he's not working, and he's pretty avoidant with his family even though they all love each other. So he wouldn't go out of his way to visit, by any means.

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove. Thank you for your post. I must have read it at least 3 times. I came back to read it because it served as a reminder to keep my eyes on what's important. The past couple days have been a little rough for me. Not in correlation to my worries about the relationship, but with family. My dad asked me to pick up my mom from my sister's house yesterday. He was in a pretty bad mood all morning and that affected my mood. I was just upset and stressed all day. What made matters most was the long drive I had to make. I get to my sisters and my parents decide it's best my mom stays with my sister. My sister has been sort of emotional, so I think it's best my mom stays with her. Anyhow, I basically made the drive for no reason. I decided to spend the night and I got back a little while ago.

 

I think I would trust what he says - he's not adding you because he's afraid things will turn out badly again. And then he would look foolish, wouldn't he, announcing every breakup and getting-back-together multiple times. Give it a little more time and I'm sure he'll trust more that this will stick, enough to add you back. Also too, though, I'm thinking that maybe he's afraid you'll look for things to be upset about - being overly watchful and worried, like I talked about in the last paragraph. He may be afraid you'll see some innocent like on a picture or something and turn it into a reason to be suspicious, and then problems will ensue. I think this is a valid worry (if he is indeed worried about it), and nothing to feel offended over. I often deleted mine as a friend when I saw something that made me jealous, and made my mind go immediately to cheating. And then I didn't even want to add him back, because I KNEW I would be searching high and low for "clues" that he was cheating. I figured it wasn't worth the stress and I was better off not being able to see everything. I accepted his request when he added me back a few times, but I didn't initiate it. You may be better off, too, at least for a little while. I know you can see his stuff through your friend's account, but if you and he were friends, I think you might have a tendency to feel bothered by certain things - like if he didn't post pics of you two and tag you, just for example, or similar such things. Maybe it's best to leave that complication off the table for a little while longer until you two are on more solid ground.

 

Thank you for saying this. I appreciated what you wrote here because its an issue that causes my mind to go to worst case scenarios, but I think what you said is most likely exactly what is happening. It is a very rational explanation. I also think I will take your advice. I need to leave this off the table for a little while until things are in a better and solid place with him and I. Things are still very fresh between us and it's important that we rebuild trust. This isn't just about me..it's about him too. We both need to get to a place where we both can feel safe within the relationship.

When I got back into town this evening, I met him at his home. We watched a movie, I made dinner, and then he fell asleep on the couch. I decided to head home since I wanted to finish laundry and get a good night's rest. I noticed a change in him today. He was genuinely concerned about me and my family. He wanted to know that things were ok. I know it sounds silly, but the condition our relationship was in before was so terrible that I felt he didn't care about me toward the end. It was nice to see that he was genuinely concerned about me for a change. I think I said this before, but this time around feels so different than the other times because I am actually in a position to see actions. I used to jump right back in so quickly that it didn't matter if I saw any changes. I just thought that things would work out organically. How foolish of me to believe that relationships don't take hard work and dedication. As much as I want to stay with him when he asks me to stay the night, I know it's best that I don't. I don't want to make a habit of staying there because I know it will be easy for me to just move back in at that point. I'm choosing to trust him. It really is a choice. It really is black or white....either you do or you don't. There is no in between and I feel like if I can't trust him, there is no point in me being with that man. Something just feels right about where we are right now. I am trying my hardest to work out all the little insecurities I have inside and if anything bothers me, I'm trying to manage it the best way I know how. All I know is that something has changed in our dynamic and whatever it is that I'm doing...we're doing, it's working. It has been almost 1 month since we started communicating again and 2 weeks since we started seeing eachother again. We need to continue to take things slowly. I'm very afraid that things could begin to get complicated as we begin to get in our routine again. I don't want either of us to become complacent or take eachother for granted as we did before.

 

I've been wanting to reply to this post, but I just couldn't find the time. I hope that you are doing well. I asked if he came back to visit family, ect because I was wondering if he still had ties to the town you lived in. It's just so crazy to me how someone can be such a huge part of your life and then just like that..they are a stranger. He has no idea what you've been going through and truthfully we don't know what he is going through since you guys have went your separate ways. It seems like there is no way to figure out if he can see you online. I do think that even if he could see you online, he has decided to just let you be as you both have seemingly moved on with your lives. Sometimes I just sit and reflect on what I went through the past 3 months. Sometimes I look at him and I can't believe I'm actually sitting in front of him. And now that we are in communication, I know that both of us were just waiting for the other to step forward. I don't know if I'm even making any sense...I'm a little deprived of sleep. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you've held on to alot of pain..it has now turned into anger and resentment. Speaking from experience, silence will do that to you. Do you think that with more time you will get to a place where you are just indifferent about him and what he is doing in his life or will it take something like what happened with me...some sort of movement to push you out of the place you are in now? As for me, I know I was going to keep spinning in the same circle for a long time if I didn't do something. I needed to make some sort of move in order for me to move on...with or without him. I don't know where in the world I found the courage, but I knew I needed to do it. We all know what is best for ourselves and I think you knew what you wanted and you weren't going to settle for less. I also think your strength in remaining in NC says that you still stand by that.

[Clarisse]

Have the two of you considered couples counseling? It seems the issues you have go very deep and external assistance in navigating both sets of fears and insecurities would be very helpful.

[Ksol9]

Hi Clarisse, we have not spoken about couples counseling. We are sort of navigating this thing on our own. It's scary at times, but we have been communicating. The condition of our communication is much better than its ever been. I'm sure things could be better. I'm sure counseling could solidify and guarantee that things are going to be ok between us. I would like that very much. I guess I could try to talk to him about that option. I'm not sure if he would be open to it and maybe he will be open to it..we just haven't explored the option. Sometimes I don't know if either of us know what we are doing. We know what we want to accomplish, but I'm not sure if it's being navigated the right way or if we are doing enough. Blind faith is not going to fix this thing..I know it will take some good hard work.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I hope you're having a good weekend! I'm back at home for the first night after housesitting all week. I don't have to go anywhere tomorrow, and don't have to get up at any certain time, and I'm so looking forward to it. I feel like all I've been doing for the past 7 days was driving back and forth from one place to another all day long. I'm sorry you had to make that 8-hour round-trip for what turned out to be no reason. That sounds exhausting. It was good of you to do it, though, without getting irritated about it. And I guess you got to see the baby, so that's good!

 

How have you been feeling about things with him the last couple of days? I think things are going to be okay. It sounds like you're both being slow and cautious in many ways, and both doing what you need to do to make things work. I can't believe it's been almost a month since you started talking again. Time flies! I think couples counseling would be a great idea, if the opportunity arises. Does he know you go to therapy? Would your therapist be willing to see you as a couple? I think men might be more resistant to therapy than women are - maybe because it makes them feel vulnerable, or maybe because they think they should be strong enough to do it on their own. But if he could warm up to the idea, I think it would do you two a world of good. You say you feel like neither of you know what you're doing. That makes perfect sense. Relationships can be so incredibly complicated.

 

Mine (mine, my ex, whatever - I don't even know what to call him anymore) has suddenly decreased his online time dramatically. If I had to guess, I would say that there's distance between them when he's online a ton, and things are smooth when he's not on much. But who knows. I think it's best if I just imagine that they have the same difficulties we had, with his hot-and-coldness and distancing behaviors. If that's the case, then it wasn't anything about me, and had nothing to do with how much he loved me. It's just how he is. I know he was like that with all previous relationships. So maybe he's being the same way with her, too. I just feel like if they're close and in love and happy, then everything between the two of us was a complete lie. Yes, I'm still really angry. You asked if I think I'll ever reach the point of indifference, and I really don't know. I honestly feel like it would take finding love again to heal and move on. The way I feel now is that he was IT; my one chance, and he totally screwed me over. I loved him SO much. Ugh. I better stop there and not let the angry thoughts snowball.

 

I wanted to reply more thoroughly to your post, but I'm pretty tired from not enough sleep. I did just want to check in and let you know I was thinking about you, though. What all are you doing this weekend? I hope you're having a good time You deserve to enjoy every ounce of happiness you can find after what you recently went though.

 

I'll be around tomorrow if you want to chat!

[Clarisse]

I'm sure counseling could solidify and guarantee that things are going to be ok between us.

 

Nothing can guarantee you that things will be okay, but trying to work out complexities like infidelity and rebuilding trust on your own is extremely difficult. It seems like you're walking on eggshells right now and that doesn't bode well for your future.

[boltnrun]

I agree, Clarisse.

 

Tiptoeing around being afraid to rock the boat is just as damaging as flying off the handle or leaving whenever conflicts arise.

 

Counseling can help with learning more effective and productive ways to communicate and resolve conflicts.

 

But both of them must do this work. If ksol attends counseling to learn communication techniques and her partner does not, nothing will change.

[boltnrun]

Lostlove, if I understand your post correctly, do you mean that you intend to continue to monitor your ex's online activity until you meet another man and fall in love?

 

If so, what are you doing to try to meet people?

 

Also, how is the Zoloft working out? Have you been able to feel any benefits yet?

[lostlove76]

Lostlove, if I understand your post correctly, do you mean that you intend to continue to monitor your ex's online activity until you meet another man and fall in love?

 

If so, what are you doing to try to meet people?

 

Also, how is the Zoloft working out? Have you been able to feel any benefits yet?

 

Hi bolt. That's not what I said. You're twisting my words lol. I said that I don't think I'll ever feel indifferent to him until I eventually find love again. I don't think I'll heal until then, I don't think the anger will go away, etc.

 

I haven't started the Zoloft yet. I know, I know. I just haven't gotten organized with it. I keep finding reasons to put it off. First I wanted to eat a grapefruit before I started (I don't think you can eat grapefruit on certain meds). Then I wanted to drink one more time. Then I wanted to get through housesitting. Then I wanted to drink one more time again. I know that once I start, I have to stay on it and have to scale back on certain things. I'm also afraid it's going to cause some anxiety in the beginning until I get used to it, so I want to start it on a night when I don't have to go anywhere the next day.

[boltnrun]

I reread, got it now

 

You already know that I believe you won't reach indifference as long as you continue to monitor his online activity and speculate about him and his girlfriend.

 

I guess it's a choice, you know the Zoloft will help you. I truly hope you'll choose to start on your journey to feeling better.

 

I will tell you that when I became seriously ill (almost died), I was told that certain things HAD to go if I wanted to live. I had to give up red meat, have to drink AT LEAST 60 ounces of water a day, can't eat soy or citrus, have to wait at least an hour after taking my medication to eat anything (not too hard, honestly), can't eat a lot of rice (LOVE steamed white rice!), minimize my intake of hot and spicy foods (LOVE them)...but if I didn't do these things I would not heal and would never get better. I also had to give up any kind of strenuous sports activity which means I had to give up playing on the slow pitch softball team and can't participate in most of the "team-building" sports activities my workplace organizes.

 

It wasn't easy to make all those changes but I had to in order to be healthy.

 

On a different note, I wasn't getting over my horrible ex either, so I went so far as to move over 400 miles away just so I couldn't drive by his house or bother his friends and family by stopping by their houses to inquire about him and his girlfriend. I finally un-friended him on Facebook and changed my phone number so he couldn't contact me when he fought with his girlfriend. At first I did want him back, but the distance gave me clarity to understand that he is not a good person and that I was wrong to want him so badly. Honestly, I can't even understand why I wanted him in the first place.

 

I really do hope you start the medication soon because I think it will help. I prefer to think of any medications as treating a medical condition. It doesn't matter if it's a physical condition or more of a mental or emotional condition. They all call for treatment and there should never be any shame in needing medication to treat a condition.

[lostlove76]

Thank you, bolt, this is a very inspiring post. You have a lot of strength to have gotten through those things and to have done what you needed to do in order to be physically and emotionally healthy. I'm sure that feels good! Maybe it would raise my self-esteem to find similar strength, huh? I'm going to screenshot your post for inspiration. Maybe I should think of in terms of doable steps, like you did (cutting out certain foods, etc). Maybe write the steps down and tackle them one or two at a time. One thing I know I should, and could, probably do is to just simply spend less time on Facebook - find other activities to fill that time. I think I've finally gotten myself back into reading again. I looove to read, but haven't been able to concentrate for so long. But I finally started with something that took very little focus (a book I read back in middle school) and was able to enjoy it. Baby steps.

 

Quick vent: A guy from high school has been messaging me, just chatting, since yesterday. I never knew him very well. I've been going along with it just to be polite. Finally his true intentions just came out, which I did suspect all along. He suggested I need a friend with benefits. This guy is MARRIED with kids. I am SO disgusted with people, I swear. This is the 4th married fb friend, all from high school, who has propositioned me to help them cheat. W T F!! It's not due to any kind of signals I'm sending out, that is for sure, and has nothing to do with who I was in high school (barely knew these people, and I was quiet and shy and a "good" girl). They're just randomly looking for single people to cheat with. Facebook makes it too damn easy. I haven't responded to him yet. Don't know whether to give him an earful or just ignore.

[boltnrun]

I totally agree with one step at a time.

 

As MLK Jr said, don't look at the entire staircase. Just focus on one stair at a time.

 

It's great that you are starting to enjoy reading again! I was a total bookworm when I was a kid. My childhood was kind of a nightmare but books were a wonderful escape. I still love reading.

 

Yeah, Facebook can be a cesspool. I go on once in a while because I live several hundred miles away from my family and it's nice to see their kid pics, etc. But I don't stay on for long. The political posts grated my nerves the most but sometimes you see people posting such ridiculous things and you get some stupid messages. I'd rather go on Wikipedia or other sites to learn stuff (I'm fascinated with the deep ocean! So many undiscovered life forms!)

 

Have you tried StumbleUpon? I love that site, I recommend it highly. It is addicting though!

 

Oh, and I'd tell the guy you are not interested and not to message you ever again because you don't do affairs. Then I'd block him. He's an idiot!

 

BTW, I appreciate the compliments but I don't really think of myself as a particularly strong person. I tell people I'm like a cockroach...I just won't die. I have been told on FOUR separate occasions that I was going to die, but I'm still breathing. I guess I'm stubborn rather than strong! I tease my kids that I am going to be a cranky old lady who lives to be 102. LOL!

[Ksol9]

Hi Lostlove, Bolt, and Clarisse. Alot to catch up on around here. Great to hear from all of you.

 

I spent the weekend with him. We had a great time. Friday we went to dinner and a movie. Saturday we lounged around the house and watched movies. Earlier today we went to breakfast, church, and then an art festival. This weekend was filled with alot of love, laughter, and great conversation. On Saturday night, he finally opened up about his feelings for me. He said that he often stops to think about how far we've come and how he would never want to do anything to jeopardize our relationship. I was almost in tears because he was speaking in such a serious tone. Right now we are in sync..I can't explain it any other way. We're on the same page. I notice that he will do his part just as long as I don't push or pressure him. He is opening up emotionally on his own. He's still reserved and I expect him to continue to be apprehensive, but we are making progress. We are moving slowly and cautiously (I think it was lostlove who said this in a previous post).

 

Sometimes I get very nervous because as things seem to be falling in place, I wonder if I am just being naive. At the same time, I believe I am doing a pretty good job of dealing with my emotions as they come. I am making sure that I make time for myself to recharge and to process where I am at this point in time. He wanted me to stay at his house again, but I don't want to make it a habit. I don't want to end up moving back in. I want us both to have time to ourselves to absorb it all. I'm at home now, laying in bed, with my laptop, and a scented candle. I think I just need to take a deep breath. I honestly can't say there is something bothering me inside or that I'm overly worried about anything in particular. That is a huge deal for me because you all know I am constantly worried or anxious about something in regards to the relationship. Of course I am a bit worried and anxious about all the things I've always been concerned about. Those things haven't gone away...I think I am just dealing with it in a more cool and calm way. I used to worry when I would a phone notification go off. Now, I don't even flinch. It might cross my mind here and there...but I don't know how...I've just been shutting out the bad and mistrustful thoughts about him. It will be interesting to see how I learn to manage things in the months to come.

 

There is one thing that is significantly different in our relationship. We laugh. We genuinely enjoy eachother's company. For me, it is very hard for me to laugh and really enjoy myself when I have something bothering me. I remember always feeling that way before. I just kept thinking this weekend how nice it was for me to just be myself. My silly, goofy, always smiling self. It was really nice for a change. I hope he enjoys my company as much as I enjoy his. I honestly don't think I can say I've ever had a relationship like this...very different emotional connection. I know we have a long road ahead of us in repairing and rebuilding trust and a strong foundation, but the friendship I am building with him truly is priceless. We were laying in bed on Saturday night and we were making jokes. He paused and then said, "we should go to church in the morning." I can't explain how happy that made me. He is saying and doing all these wonderful things on his own. He just seems to have his head on straight and I guess this is what it feels like when you are rebuilding trust. I think I fear going back down the same road to feeling and worrying about all those things that used to plague me before. I don't want to go back to that place.

 

I am excited to get back into my normal routine this week. I have pilates tomorrow evening and Tuesday is my therapy appointment. I think during this visit I want to discuss improving communication, resolving conflicts, rebuilding trust, ect. It's so important to me to stay on top of things..to stay one step ahead.

 

I wish you all a great week ahead!

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. I hope you're having a good weekend! I'm back at home for the first night after housesitting all week. I don't have to go anywhere tomorrow, and don't have to get up at any certain time, and I'm so looking forward to it. I feel like all I've been doing for the past 7 days was driving back and forth from one place to another all day long. I'm sorry you had to make that 8-hour round-trip for what turned out to be no reason. That sounds exhausting. It was good of you to do it, though, without getting irritated about it. And I guess you got to see the baby, so that's good!

 

How have you been feeling about things with him the last couple of days? I think things are going to be okay. It sounds like you're both being slow and cautious in many ways, and both doing what you need to do to make things work. I can't believe it's been almost a month since you started talking again. Time flies! I think couples counseling would be a great idea, if the opportunity arises. Does he know you go to therapy? Would your therapist be willing to see you as a couple? I think men might be more resistant to therapy than women are - maybe because it makes them feel vulnerable, or maybe because they think they should be strong enough to do it on their own. But if he could warm up to the idea, I think it would do you two a world of good. You say you feel like neither of you know what you're doing. That makes perfect sense. Relationships can be so incredibly complicated.

 

Mine (mine, my ex, whatever - I don't even know what to call him anymore) has suddenly decreased his online time dramatically. If I had to guess, I would say that there's distance between them when he's online a ton, and things are smooth when he's not on much. But who knows. I think it's best if I just imagine that they have the same difficulties we had, with his hot-and-coldness and distancing behaviors. If that's the case, then it wasn't anything about me, and had nothing to do with how much he loved me. It's just how he is. I know he was like that with all previous relationships. So maybe he's being the same way with her, too. I just feel like if they're close and in love and happy, then everything between the two of us was a complete lie. Yes, I'm still really angry. You asked if I think I'll ever reach the point of indifference, and I really don't know. I honestly feel like it would take finding love again to heal and move on. The way I feel now is that he was IT; my one chance, and he totally screwed me over. I loved him SO much. Ugh. I better stop there and not let the angry thoughts snowball.

 

I wanted to reply more thoroughly to your post, but I'm pretty tired from not enough sleep. I did just want to check in and let you know I was thinking about you, though. What all are you doing this weekend? I hope you're having a good time You deserve to enjoy every ounce of happiness you can find after what you recently went though.

 

I'll be around tomorrow if you want to chat!

 

Hi lostlove! I feel like I haven't really been around lately to chat. I wanted to wait until I was at home and settled in before I replied. Thank you for checking in because I think of you often and hope that you are doing well.

 

It sounds like you've been pretty busy with work and house sitting. I hope it is working to your advantage as it is keeping you busy and active. I know that you prefer to be at home (and so do I), but staying busy is a good way to distract. I noticed in one of your posts that you have not started your zoloft yet. I wanted to add that I think you are doing the right thing. When you feel you are ready to start the meds then great, but if you are not ready or if you wanted to find the appropriate time, that is totally ok. I think you've come a long way and I think you are making progress.

 

As for him, I totally understand how you feel. I know how much you loved him and no matter how much you have tried, it has been almost impossible to get past the hurt of what he did. The anger is understandable. I was carrying the same anger and that did not go away (and still hasn't fully gone away) until I spoke to him and we began to move out of NC. There is no way to remove the anger that comes from someone you love giving up on you unless they make good on it. You have seen him go from relationship to relationship and all of that has added to the betrayal you feel for him. I also think you may be right that you might not reach a place of indifference until you meet someone new and move on in that sense. That could very well be the case. Either way, you have to find happiness whether it is with or without him. Seeing him online frequently signifies that he is not as occupied and when he isn't online as much I would agree that maybe he is busy at work or is with his girlfriend. If he still has this hot and cold behavior, and I would guess that his behaviors have not changed, I do not believe it was just limited to you or that he loved you any less. I recall explaining this to my therapist and he kept saying over the course of a few visits...there is something that you are holding on to and it's something that you feel is left resolved. For me, I was not in peace about anything that happened in my situation. I had to do something, make some sort of move, in order for me to get out of the place I was stuck in. Making some sort of change was the only way to make change happen. I know how hard it is. This has been one of the most challenging things I've ever been through in my life. I think just as long as you are moving and making changes, even in the simplest way, you will be making steps toward happiness.

 

I'm also really happy to hear that you began reading again. I know how much you love to read books and it is something you wanted to start doing again. That reminds me..my therapist suggested a book and I haven't gotten around to reading it. I think I'll purchase on kindle and read until I fall asleep.

 

Talk to you again soon!