Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol, I'm in bed so it's hard to write much, but just wanted to say I'm happy for you! I hope you get a peaceful night of sleep, and hope to hear more later

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone. I've been relaxing all day at home. I've also been processing all that happened. When I got in late last night, I had a couple mixed drinks, so I was in an extra feel good mood. After some sleep and time to let everything settle in, I wanted to share my thoughts and a little more about our evening. I also want to go back and respond to the previous posts as I believe they did impact how I handled things last night.

 

We went to a nice restaurant on the marina. The weather was really nice, so we decided to sit outside. We had drinks and then he kept saying he wanted a nice steak. The place we went to was Hawaiian influenced so they didn't much to choose from as far as steaks. We decided we would go to a steakhouse downtown. We sat outside. I didn't have to force my mood or conversation. Everything was effortless. I was happy. We laughed the whole night and the food was a conversation piece in itself. We ended up going back to this house and we chatted some more. He was playing 90's r&b the whole time. Now that I'm thinking about it, the whole evening was romantic. I enjoyed his company and I think he enjoyed mine.

 

Posted by Jenny_mcs:

 

One thing that I would suggest to “get ready” for your dinner is to re-read the email that you sent him and try to be in that “place” when you meet. The email really came from a place of kindness, hope, and strength.

 

Don’t let yourself slip back into old patterns. I can see it on this thread, a bit (the slipping into old patterns). In the email, you tell him there is no rush, take time to think things through, etc. But in the thread you seem to become really irate and sad when he wasn’t responding as quickly or how you wanted.

 

In the email you admit that you often created issues that were trivial and pointless, yet on the thread just recently you saw he commented on a woman’s FB page and were instantly hurt/angry that he was “playing the field” and “messing you around.”

 

Don’t look at this meeting as him having to prove to you that he wants to make an effort. Look at it as BOTH of you starting to explore if you can work towards new, healthier ways of interacting.

 

I'm really glad I got to read these posts before our dinner last night. It changed my whole outlook just in time. I want to thank you for pointing out my old patterns. It is true that I have instantly assumed he was messing me around, playing the field. I'm easily angered, frustrated, and even sad when my brain starts assuming the worst. I think having the mentality, as you mentioned, that I had when I wrote the email..was the only way I should go about any interaction with him. It is very easy to fall right back into the way things were. I think my biggest worry is that I will not be able to control my emotions...I do allow things to easily hurt and anger me. That is going to continue to affect the way I react as it always has. For right now, I am able to think things through before I text him, there is distance between us, and we aren't around eachother daily, but what is going to happen when the relationship is back into full swing and I don't have time to think through and adjust my reaction?

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my story and also for pointing out those important issues. You reminded me that my trust issues are something I need to be constantly aware of. It strains my perception and definitely affects my behavior.

 

Posted by jmb:

 

I totally agree with what Jenny above said! I don't think he is playing the field and don't think he is stringing you along. I imagine he wants to see if you have changed by your actions/demeanor, not just because you say so...the old saying actions speak louder than words. He may very well not know if he wants to reconcile and I am pretty sure he wont want to if you guys still have the same old issues that plagued your relationship before. Ksol, you can love someone and care about them deeply but sometimes that still is not enough to have a happy healthy relationship. I truly think this is why he is taking his time. But the fact that he wants to see you is a BIG deal. It seems as though you are constantly reacting rather than just responding to the situation. I still believe getting together with him is the best idea. I would bee happy and confident, don't bring up the email and just catch up, showing him that you can just be easy going. Men don't like drama, he will likely address the relationship with you he sees that you are really making strides to improve. Don't let this all blow up in your face by having one and only agenda, which is to see if he wants to work on things.

 

Everything you said here is absolutely correct. I could tell just by the way he was behaving and the things he was saying that he is apprehensive due to fear. Fear that things will go back to the way they were...toxic. Fear that I did not mean all the things I said in the email. What I highlighted in bold is so very true. I think we both want the same thing. We both want this to work. He actually said this last night when I explained that my mother just wants us to get things right. He doesn't have to explain much, I am almost certain you are right about everything you said why he is taking his time. And you are right...I react rather than respond. I am so aware of this. I desperately need to change this. I'm working so hard in therapy and with the support of you all here, I do believe things will be better this time. I know I am only part of the solution and he is the other, but I do think with my changes alone, it will bring about a change in dynamic between us. He will either follow to suit by working right along with me or we will have the same problems once again. Getting together with him was the best idea because even though we didn't talk too much in depth about the email, I got a very good feel about where things are with him and I. It's definitely not a simple casual situation. You can tell from a mile away that we love eachother and want to move toward reconciliation. I am scared just as he is. I've made a lot of mistakes, but I know without a shadow of a doubt, if I don't do this work on myself and change all these bad habits I've had in relationships, we will fail again and I'll fail in any other relationship thereafter. I went into the dinner naturally happy and confidant. For the first time in a long time, I was able to see that my self confidence is a in good place and it will only get better as I continue on the path I am on. I don't want to lose myself in this relationship again. You made alot of sense....my agenda was solely focused on seeing if he wants to work things out and this is wrong of me. As you said, he may address the relationship on his own when he can see and trust that things are improving. It's too soon to say anything right now, so I am glad I didn't force any conversation with him last night. I will admit, there is still a little voice in the back of my head saying I should get answers and have everything set in stone. There are certain things we must discuss, but I don't it's that time just yet. I'm getting reassurance from his actions and even from mine. It's coming naturally and that was unexpected.

 

Posted by bolt:

 

Why should he get everything he wants and you just have to stifle your feelings and needs? Why can't it be the BOTH of you who gets what they want and need?

 

Please don't let fear dictate what you do or say. Because, I've said this a million times, fear has NO place in a love relationship. Neither does anxiety.

 

I think what you plan to say is perfect. If he chooses to try to avoid the topic, well, there's your answer.

 

If he asks for time, I'd respect that but then don't make the mistake of sleeping with him assuming he's going to be on the same page. I'd make things clear before any intimacy happens.

 

You can do this. I believe if you want the relationship to succeed, you will find the strength to say what you need to say.

 

Bolt, you made an excellent point and this is my initial feeling toward the whole situation. I wanted to stand firm because it is safest for me to have answers. I'm entitled to that. You are absolutely correct that he shouldn't get what he wants and my feelings are stifled. That is exactly how I used to feel. I'm am very afraid that things will go right back to that place and they will if I don't make sure I communicate my feelings. I didn't have an ounce of anxiety while I was with him. I'm aware that we will go through a short euphoria stage. I worry I won't make things clear. I can assume all I want that we are on the same page, but I can't say for sure unless it is stated. That is why I woke up today being very hard on myself for not taking the opportunity to discuss things with him. I want to discuss this further with my therapist because, as you stated, it's not right that I we act as though the past never happened. How do I know he will eventually address the relationship when he sees we are both consistently on the right track? I don't know if that is something I should rely on. I guess what holds me back is exactly what jmb spoke about..it blowing up in my face because I want to pressure and push for answers prematurely. Answers that he may not have at the moment.

 

I'm going to post this first. There are a few other posts I wanted to comment on.

[Ksol9]

Posted by Unchained:

 

I hope it actually happens and I hope you get the answers you have been craving for. I won't write much now about what I am thinking I will let your dinner happen first before I put more cents in rather than just "two" haha.

 

As for me, I am doing really well. The bipolar in me is in high gear as I have a disability review coming up that is kicking up nerves in which I need to be evaluated. I am sort of a wreck about that, but such is life right?

 

Thank you for the well wishes. It means alot. As you have probably read, I didn't all the answers I wanted, but I got enough for me to feel a bit more secured. I'm always doubting myself. Although, I feel good about the way I've been handling things, I worry that I'm not asking more and not pushing for more communication. I don't want to be blinded by all the good feelings I am having now. I know that doesn't last.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you have anxieties about your review. I hope everything goes well. Thank you for supporting me. It's always a pleasure to chat with you because I value your opinion. You've helped me quite a bit through some of my darkest times, so thank you. I just really love enotalone. Everyone here has helped me in immeasurable ways.

 

Posted by Lovenc:

 

Ksol, I guess dinner must have happened already, but wanted to wish you best of luck as well tonight, sending yiu good vibes. Luck and strength. Agree with Bolt above, stay true to yourself. You both need to make changes to make this work. Keep us posted.

 

Thank you lovenc. Thank you for wishing me luck and strength. I think it is important to stay true to myself and I'm not sure that I did the right thing by not talking directly about the email. Still conflicted on my thoughts about that. I do hope in future, when the time is appropriate, I will have the strength and courage to address all the things I feel unsure about.

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol, I'm in bed so it's hard to write much, but just wanted to say I'm happy for you! I hope you get a peaceful night of sleep, and hope to hear more later

 

Last but not least my dear friend lostlove. I couldn't wait to get some free time to write to you. I got up really early this morning on very little sleep because I had some work to do at the office. Afterwards, I came back and took a really long nap. Peaceful sleep, as you described, is exactly what I got. After being under so much anxiety and depression for the past few months, I really feel very relieved. I hope that you were able to get some good sleep. How are you feeling today?

 

I was just thinking how I am in a good place with him right now. Even though I didn't have this strict outlined conversation with him about the email, I feel much better after spending time with him last night. I could tell his motives are not to just string me along or play games with me, of course those thoughts will be in the back of mind, but I don't get that impression from him right now. I think he is afraid for all the reasons you have been telling me about all along. I think you are spot on about his perspective.

 

There were a few times throughout the night he left his phone on the table to go to the restroom, no one was texting or calling him, I didn't have anxiety about wanting to look. He took a photo of our meals and you could see me sitting on the other side of the table. He posted this photo on facebook this morning. The reason why I mention this is because it shows me that he doesn't have anything to hide and that there isn't anyone else in the picture. I know I shouldn't settle for this and it's not enough to offer me security, but when he said him and the children just want us to get this right, he really didn't have to say much more. I fully understood his position. Even today, he sent me some text messages throughout the day. I haven't initiated any conversation with him. I'm not anxious about what he could be doing or anything like that. I'm feeling ok. That's alot because I would be very insecure about where he is and who he could be chatting with. I don't want to go back to living like that.

 

I don't know where things are headed. I don't know if things will get harder and more complicated or if we are headed in the right direction. All I can really say is that I had a wonderful experience last night. I hope things continue to get better between us. I hope communication gets better.

 

I hope you don't mind that I continue to bring this up. I am wondering about the time you told me about when you guys got back together, when you set boundaries and made him talk about the status of your relationship. Did communication improve after that? In general did things improve? Of course after an important conversation is had, both partners are offered peace of mind and I can't imagine that not being of some good.

 

Writing and processing all of this...I realize I have a lot of work to do on myself. I have to not allow the small things to bother me and I must stay focused on the bigger picture and that is us working on strengthening trust, communication, and our bond. I really hope we are on the right track. Maybe in the next few days as this all sinks in, I will see a clearer picture of where we are with everything.

 

Hope you're enjoying your day. Chat again soon!

[Ksol9]

I'm feeling really sad all of a sudden. I just want things to be ok. We've been going through this back and forth thing for one year now. I feel like I still have this pain inside. He doesn't have a clue what I went through. I don't even know if I'm even making a wise decision pursuing this relationship still. I love him and I don't want to live my life without him, but I'm just scared we're not going to make it.

 

He mentioned last night that the project they have here in town is slowing down. Extremely slow. It didn't cross my mind until today that maybe his boss will move him if this project is not producing as much. What will happen to us? Again something I need to talk to him about.

 

Ive also been thinking about how not talking to him about the status of our relationship is not wise. It's easy for me to blinded by all the nice emotions Im experiencing now, but what good does it do if I'm still in a limbo about what he wants long term? What happens if he leaves things just the way they are and we don't progress? I feel like a big ball of anxiety all of a sudden. I feel really sad.

 

I'm doing a lot of thinking and I don't know if that's a good thing or bad.

[boltnrun]

What do you think would be worse...staying in the limbo you're currently in because you don't want to rock the boat, or hearing that he isn't interested in doing the work required to have a healthy relationship with you?

 

Personally, I can't stand "limbo". I ask directly because I want to know. A "no" to me is better than wondering, speculating, feeling anxious and scared, feeling sad, etc. because I didn't want to "scare him off" by asking.

 

And for the record, I HAVE asked. One time I was told "no". And it was OK. I survived and went on to live and to love again. Interestingly, the guy came back years later trying to date me again and I told HIM "no"! Funny how things work out.

 

Anyway, just curious how you feel about asking and possibly not hearing the answer you hope for vs. staying in limbo.

[Ksol9]

Hey bolt, I would rather ask and know where he stands rather than be in limbo. I'm not afraid of the answer. Things are still very fresh and I'm very impatient. It took 2 weeks for us to see eachother after communicating again. He definitely wants to take his time. He would have already asked me to move back if that wasnt the case. As far as where he wants things to go, I'm in the dark. Jmb mentioned he may eventually speak about the relationship on his own once he sees that we are both consistently improving, but this is a man who isn't a communicator.

 

You've been telling me the same thing over and over. And I do agree with everything you say because it absolutely makes sense. I come first. I should be secure in this relationship. I shouldn't have to worry about how he feels about me and what he wants. I don't think it's a matter of scaring him off. I feel it is more that I may be pressuring him to give me answers about our relationship when he doesn't have answers yet. I think I need to keep my distance from him a bit until I settle and work through my thoughts. I consider what you tell me each and every day. I meet with my therapist on Wednesday and then I'll go from there.

 

I told him that I didn't want to rush and that I wanted to take things day by day, but that was just as long as I knew he wanted to try. I don't know if it's obvious and I'm just being stubborn by needing a definite answer or if I'm right for needing to hear the words. I want to express how I'm feeling to him and I know I will have to sooner or later. I think it was lostlove who said, from his perspective he is doing what I wanted, but how do I know that for sure if we haven't had a single conversation about how he feels?

[boltnrun]

I don't think he'd be wanting to see you if he had no feelings or if he felt there was no potential for a future.

 

I presume he's gun-shy, and I can certainly understand why.

 

I'm just glad you aren't jumping back in because you know that wouldn't work out. You call yourself impatient, but I think you're doing right by not immediately going home with him. I think in the past you probably would have.

 

If this is going to be forever, a few more weeks won't really matter in the long run.

[Ksol9]

I don't know what is going to happen. I guess in the days and weeks to come I will see how things develop between us. I suppose you're right that he's gun shy. He does have very good reason to be. Right now he seems very cautious. He isn't opening up with his feelings. I would explain it as somewhat cold. Because I don't know how he feels about me, I am skeptical of him. I hope he will open up with his feelings about me and the relationship soon. It will at least give me a little confidence that he wants this as much as I do. It's hard for me not to get discouraged with the way things are right now.

 

At the same time, if we are making baby steps toward reconciliation, this slow pace is a good thing. It gives me the opportunity to develop new habits and correct old ones. This is probably the first time I'm not rushing into a relationship. Things happened very fast with him when we first met, any of the times we've reconciled, and in every relationships prior to him.

[Ksol9]

Wanted to give an update.

 

We decided to get together this evening. It was a last minute decision. We decided to get hibachi. We went to get some drinks beforehand and then went to dinner. I didn't force any conversation with him, but I told myself that if any sort of opportunity came about, I would take it to talk about the status of our relationship. We enjoyed the evening. Good conversation. We went back to his house and somehow we began talking about the children. He said he hasn't spoken to them in a while because he has had some sort of problem with their mother. He said he would leave that conversation for another day. He asked about my parents again. It seemed like he wanted to get something off his chest. I grabbed at the opportunity.

 

I said to him that my parents fully support us and our relationship, but they don't like to see me hurting. I told him that I went through a really difficult time after we broke up. He asked why I haven't told my parents that I was with him. I explained that I didn't know exactly where he stands and that I wanted us to figure out where things were going before I told them anything. I said that I understand he may be apprehensive...he cut me off and began to explain that he knows I've been keeping my distance. He said that his apprehension is because he is afraid we will go through the same problems again. He is worried what others will think. He is worried about the pain it will cause each of us. He explained everything he was feeling. Everything he is feeling is exactly what we all have been discussing here. I finally got some confirmation from him. And thankfully it happened naturally without me having to force the conversation. I explained that I have been worried because I felt that I was in the dark. I told him that I didn't want to pressure him and he kept saying..I know..I know. We both knew how the other was feeling, but couldn't confirm it because we didn't hear it from eachother. Communication is vital.

 

I feel a little more at ease. I wanted to stay with him, but I have to take things slow. I asked him not to give up on me. Not to give up on us. To believe that we are going to be ok. He had a big smile on his face. Afterwards he said he knew what he was doing and I didn't know exactly what that meant, but I believe he was saying he is serious about all the decisions he makes.

 

There was a glimmer of hope tonight. I really hope things will continue to get better between us. I'm saddened to hear things are not going well between him and the mother of his children. It makes me sad to hear that he hasn't spoken to them. I knew something wasn't ok. I could just tell by the way he looks. He's doing ok and he is submerging himself in work, but I knew something wasn't right with the children. He kept saying they weren't happy. Makes me really sad, but I kept remembering what my therapist told me. You can't fix anything ksol. Sometimes all people need is someone to listen. I responded by letting him know I hope everything works out.

 

Today wasn't a bad day at all. Tonight, I'm thankful for the changes I'm slowly making in my life. Im hopeful my relationship will survive this time.

 

I wish you all a goodnight.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. Thank you for keeping us updated as things progress. It honestly sounds like things are on the right track. I have no worries at all about his intentions - I think he clearly wants what you want. It's great that he opened up with his thoughts and feelings! Sooo much better than you being in the dark and having to guess. I hope that he'll do more of this. When he finds that it's safe to do so (ie, he doesn't get fussed at, doesn't have the things he says used against him at a later time, isn't made to feel that his feelings are invalid, etc), he'll eventually grow comfortable with doing it more often. It's like training a dog - use positive reinforcement. Lol.

 

If you don't mind me saying so, I think the main thing you're going to have to keep on top of is not letting your anxious thoughts affect your behavior towards him. I noticed something in your posts earlier, but didn't have time to write a thoughtful post so I saved it. What I noticed was that after you met him for dinner the first time, you felt pretty good about things. You still had some uncertainties, but you felt good overall. Then all of a sudden, by nighttime the next day I think it was, your mood changed and you felt sad and worried. No harm done, because you didn't let it affect your behavior towards him, and tonight was good when you saw him, and progress was made with communication. But I felt it was worth noting, so that you can remain aware as things move forward. I used to always have those sudden mood changes with mine, too; I could be on cloud nine in the morning, and by evening I was depressed and worried and distrusting, even though nothing had happened with him to change anything. It was all in my mind, these mood changes, depending on if I was thinking positively or negatively. I think this is going to be a challenge for you, because of your anxious nature/attachment style. And as we know, negative thinking can leak outwards and become negative behaviors. SO, I think you're just going to have to remain aware that you do this, and maybe work on the thought-stopping and such with your therapist. As I'm writing this, I know how difficult it is, because I'm the same way. Trust issues are hard to overcome, but I think if things are going to be different this time around, that's one major area to work on.

 

Everything sounds good, though, and I think you're handling yourself very well!! And I'm pleased that he opened up - that's huge! You've got this!! This is yours and his chance to really make it right this time.

 

You asked me a question in one post, I need to go back and find it. I'll reply in a separate post. As for me, I'm still just trying to hang in there. I keep reminding myself one step at a time. I often get stressed and overwhelmed when I start thinking big-picture, so I'm just taking baby steps and trying to remain in the moment for now. I haven't started the Zoloft yet. I need to ask the pharmacist a couple questions, and then I'll start taking it in the next day or two. I felt really anxious at work day before yesterday, but it didn't last long and then I was okay. Today I felt pretty okay. One day at a time until the Zoloft sets in! As for the thing with him... he was online a few times yesterday, and a ton last night. I have to remind myself that I can't possibly know what he's doing on there, so it's pointless to try to figure it out. From his online times, it seems he's now working night shifts most of the week, and one afternoon shift. I can tell when he's at work and when he isn't. Yesterday it seemed he wasn't with her during his off time, but today I think he probably was. Maybe one day I won't care. Some tiny part of me still foolishly hopes he'll miss me and realize I was the love of his life, but doesn't look like that will ever happen. Ill leave it at that, before I start trying to guess how his relationship with new girl might be.

 

I hope you sleep well!! Talk to you soon

[Ksol9]

Baby is coming!!!

 

My sister lives about 4 hours away so I'm trying to organize my things to get on the road. I'll be back later to update.

 

 

Thank you lostlove. There were so many things you mentioned in your post that I wanted to talk more about with you. I'm sure I'll have some more time to write once get to my sister. Thank you for everthing you wrote. I hope you are well. I was wondering if you started the meds yet, but I saw that you wrote that you needed to discuss something with the pharmacist beforehand. You're doing all the right things. You're getting all the information you need first and I think that is wise of you. Rather than just jumping into things because you need some sort of relief. Take it easy on yourself. I hope today is anxiety free. Take care.

 

Talk again soon. I'm going to be an aunt very soon!

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol, congratulations!! How exciting!!! I hope everything goes well, and thank you for the support about my anxiety. We'll chat later. Enjoy the new arrival!!

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. Thank you for keeping us updated as things progress. It honestly sounds like things are on the right track. I have no worries at all about his intentions - I think he clearly wants what you want. It's great that he opened up with his thoughts and feelings! Sooo much better than you being in the dark and having to guess. I hope that he'll do more of this. When he finds that it's safe to do so (ie, he doesn't get fussed at, doesn't have the things he says used against him at a later time, isn't made to feel that his feelings are invalid, etc), he'll eventually grow comfortable with doing it more often. It's like training a dog - use positive reinforcement. Lol.

 

You have no idea how good it felt to hear him talk about how he feels, but I woke up this morning and of course I was questioning what he meant. Are we in a relationship or are we not? What if he was trying to tell me he doesn't want to be in a relationship yet? Lol. I hope I didn't misinterpret. He asked me if he thought we were going to be ok this time and I said yes. If I continue the way things are now, I do think we are going to be ok. You made a very good point about positive reinforcement. We had a nice little chat and I hope that he'll continue to open up about how he feels. I did tell him that the reason I haven't said anything to my parents is because I didn't know where things were going with him. That was when he started to talk about what he has been feeling. One good thing is that I do feel we are on the same page at the moment. I understand how he is feeling and he understands what I am feeling. Hopefully we'll continue to progress and we will be a happy healthy couple with a stronger bond. One thing I will say, we share a lot of laughter. He's a pretty serious guy. When we are together, we laugh non stop. The positive reinforcement this is important as you said. I need to work on this.

 

If you don't mind me saying so, I think the main thing you're going to have to keep on top of is not letting your anxious thoughts affect your behavior towards him. I noticed something in your posts earlier, but didn't have time to write a thoughtful post so I saved it. What I noticed was that after you met him for dinner the first time, you felt pretty good about things. You still had some uncertainties, but you felt good overall. Then all of a sudden, by nighttime the next day I think it was, your mood changed and you felt sad and worried. No harm done, because you didn't let it affect your behavior towards him, and tonight was good when you saw him, and progress was made with communication.

 

Thank you for this. I really appreciate when you and others here point out things like this. This is what helps me to become aware. You are very correct about what you wrote here. I would feel good about seeing him, but as a day or two went by, I would stew in uncertainty and my own negative thoughts. It would create a whole lot of anxiety. I would attribute it to not being patient enough. If I trust in this process, I wouldn't feel this way. I want answers now. I want to know what he is feeling now. I want to know that we will get back together now. It just doesn't work that way and I need to constantly remind myself not to allow my negativity to affect me because it will in turn affect him. What is going to happen when I don't have time to process things? You understand me well. I don't know what more I can do to curb this.

 

Thank you for your encouragement. I really do appreciate it. We made a good step in the right direction last night. I think I worry a lot about us getting stuck, but so far we are progressing. There was another thing we spoke about that got me a little concerned. He spoke about his traveling for work. I asked him if he would have to move if this project in town is not progressing well. He said no, but then he went on to explain that he would be back and forth quite a bit as he is now. He mentioned his boss was looking to rent a home over there so they would have a place to stay when he travels. Of course this made me uneasy. I kept thinking..how long will you be out of town if he has to rent a home? I didn't express anything to him, but my plan is to not make a big deal about that until the time reaches. I don't know if that will pose a problem for us in long run. Also, when he said he knows what he is doing. Does that mean he knows he doesn't want to get too far involved with me because of his traveling requirements? I'm sure my question let's you know that even after our conversation, I question his intentions. I really shouldn't question him because he is doing all these things on his own accord. I didn't have to manipulate, pressure, or push.

 

As for you, the one step at a time mentality is the right way to look at it. My therapist said when you look at things from the bigger picture, you will become overwhelmed and the anxiety will intensify. I think you're going about things in the right way. It was just a few days ago you said as soon as you began to feel some anxiety you took time to yourself to unwind and calm down. You're getting a good handle on things..I think. And then with the meds, I think you'll have control of this in no time. I know it doesn't fix it completely, but at least you will be a little more comfortable. I really wish you the best and I hope things continue to get better for you.

 

As for my sister, no baby yet. She was getting contractions until we got here. Lol. I think the baby will be here soon. Maybe within the next few days. I expect to be here for a few days. Im very excited!

[boltnrun]

I know this is probably the last thing you want to hear, but I'm really glad you went away to be with your sister and new little niece/nephew.

 

You've been so focused on HIM that it doesn't seem like you've had a chance to step away and see clearly. I think this is happening at a great time.

 

Enjoy the new little one. I love babies!

[Ksol9]

I know this is probably the last thing you want to hear, but I'm really glad you went away to be with your sister and new little niece/nephew.

 

You've been so focused on HIM that it doesn't seem like you've had a chance to step away and see clearly. I think this is happening at a great time.

 

Enjoy the new little one. I love babies!

 

 

I actually could not agree more with you. I was thinking this exact thing. I have been completely focused and full of anxiety over the past few weeks since we started communicating again that I really needed some time away with my family. What was even better timing was the conversation I had with him recently. I am feeling very peaceful right now. I'm patiently waiting to meet my nephew. I too hope I can use this time to step away and see things more clearly. An added bonus is the time off from work. Sort of like a mini vacation!

 

Thanks for writing bolt. Always appreciated.

[Ksol9]

Good morning everyone. No baby yet. She's having some pain, but I guess all we can do is wait at this point. If the contractions don't progress today, I'll probably head home tomorrow and then come back when I get news that she is going into labor.

 

I've been doing a lot of relaxing. I slept in this morning. Just taking it easy. I've been thinking a lot about the course this relationship is going to take in the next few months. I'm going to continue on this same track. We won't be seeing eachother on a daily basis so I'm sure we will value our time together when we do see eachother. This will give me time to adjust. It will also give my parents and others who are involved to see things progressing slowly and in a healthy manner. I'm in no rush even though I can be impatient at times. I notice any time I've seen him, he wants me to spend the night. I don't want to start spending nights there as I know that can lead to me moving back in soon after. Maybe once on the weekend is ok.

 

He contacted me earlier to say he was meeting his boss out of town again today. They were going to look at office spaces and then would be heading back to go out on the boat for the rest of the day. I'm assuming his boss would be spending the night again. I wished him an enjoyable day. The weather is beautiful today. Very nice day to be out on the water. I notice he's still a bit cold when we talk. It concerns me at times because he is not affectionate like he used to be. I guess that will take some time as well. I've been thinking a lot about this project out of town quite a bit. Regardless, I think it will trigger a lot of anxiety for me. I'll be uneasy because it's something new. Originally, he told me he would be spending a lot of time out of town because he has to get this project up and running. I think my fear is that he isn't saying it will be more of a permanent change. I know I should trust what he says, but I keep feeling like he will be there working for much of the time since this project in our town is slowing down so much. I believe he may not be telling me about that possibility. As a result, I need to control my anxieties. I have expressed them here and will talk to my therapist about it as well. It is reason for me to be apprehensive since I don't know what will happen, but I'm not going to let it bother me to the point it shows in my behavior. I will hide it as best as I can. This new project played a huge part in all the chaos that happened when we broke up this time. I couldn't handle all these changes. He said they will also be getting a home there. Scares me to think he will be out of town for extended periods of time. That will certainly put a strain on our relationship and maybe it won't. It may be a good thing. I'll just have to be patient to see how things develop. His boss has a wife and two small children. He travels quite a bit back and forth. He isn't gone more than 2 days a week. I don't know if my guy will be on the same kind of traveling. That also is another big part of his apprehension. He is probably not as open with me until he sees I am handling all these changes ok. I need to be able to adapt as well. Maybe after some time, I'll adjust..we'll adjust. That's my hope anyway.

 

He did mention months ago before the breakup, he chose one of their long time employees and long time friend to be the project manager of the new project. He told me he would be helping him to get things going and then after that he would just travel to check on things, but for the beginning, he'd need to be very involved. The new project manager is going to be relocating from Tampa with his young family. I'm assuming my guy set this up this way because at the time he didn't want to have to relocate the children and I. Now that the children and I are no longer in the picture, I fear those plans will change. I fear he is going to be working on that project on a permanent basis. I want him to be successful and I want him to grow in his career so my goal is to look at the bigger picture and be supportive.

 

I better not get too far ahead of myself. I shouldn't overwhelm myself with these things. When he said he knows what he is doing, I believe he has a plan with all of this. Maybe he wants me to be apart of that plan, but that will depend on if we can work hard to save this relationship. I'm very hopeful.

 

Sister is resting. Will check in again soon. Maybe baby will start making some moves. I can't wait to see baby.

[Ksol9]

Lostlove wrote:

 

I used to always have those sudden mood changes with mine, too; I could be on cloud nine in the morning, and by evening I was depressed and worried and distrusting, even though nothing had happened with him to change anything. It was all in my mind, these mood changes, depending on if I was thinking positively or negatively. I think this is going to be a challenge for you, because of your anxious nature/attachment style. And as we know, negative thinking can leak outwards and become negative behaviors. SO, I think you're just going to have to remain aware that you do this, and maybe work on the thought-stopping and such with your therapist. As I'm writing this, I know how difficult it is, because I'm the same way. Trust issues are hard to overcome, but I think if things are going to be different this time around, that's one major area to work on.

 

I wanted to go back and comment on this because I think it's so significant. This is exactly how I am. My mood will be ok, but it seems that as time passes, I think so much about everything that any and all negative possibilities begin to adversely affect me. Wish I could turn my brain off. One of the major things you said was: distrusting. I start to doubt everything. That isn't good.

 

I think one of the biggest things that is helpful is being aware, but what have you been able to do to stop these mood changes? We are aware now, after the fact, how terribly unhealthy this is, but it just seems like something that is ingrained in us. Even the reaction and behaviors is habitual. I remember discussing this briefly with my therapist and he said the number one thing is being aware. Stop yourself as the thoughts come. Remind yourself that you have no basis, BUT I don't think there is a way to eliminate it. It takes life long work and you may get to a place where you are much better about it than before, but how to change those patterns permanently and for good? I'm not sure.

 

I was just thinking about this and thought I'd share my thoughts as I am starting to experience some mood changes. Feeling a little sad thinking about all the possibilities where things could go wrong. It even crossed my mind that he could even be in contact with the married woman. Not good. Those things will affect my behavior. Things are new right now and I'm handling myself well, but the real test will be as time goes by.

 

I hope you are well lostlove. Were you able to speak with your pharmacist? I hope things have been going smoothly for you.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol! I've been reading along, but won't have time to write until tonight when I can sit down and put thought into my replies. I'm going to work in less than an hour, then after work I need to eat and pack a few things and go housesit for the night. These days when I'm working, it's become a struggle to just try to keep the anxiety at bay until I can get back home and relax. I'll call the pharmacist tomorrow and then start taking the Zoloft. I just never feel "right" - it always feels like there must be SOMETHING wrong to worry about, and my mind automatically searches for what that could be. Not sure if that makes sense. I try to thought-stop it, but the feeling of unease is always there, and my mind looks for something that is wrong to back up the feelings of unease. If there's nothing concrete to worry about, it usually defaults to health fears. I think that's what your mind is doing with the relationship, as well. You don't trust that things will be fine. You feel uneasy. So your mind starts flitting from one thing to the next - whether or not you're defined as being "in a relationship," worries about his work situation, thinking he might be talking to the married woman. You're on high alert for something to be wrong, and your mind automatically runs through all the possibilities. It's extremely hard to control, because it IS so automatic, and your thoughts are racing at full speed in the background at all times. This is in addition to actually purposely and consciously putting a lot of thought into it and trying to analyze everything; even if you manage to stop doing this for a short while, the background thoughts take over. I can just so relate to everything you're feeling and thinking. And like you said, you can feel okay for a little while, but then it all comes rushing back. Our minds are really our own worst enemies here. It's exhausting! I know that for me, all this anxiety is depleting me of any energy. I have none. Feeling so mentally/emotionally hyped up all the time is extremely draining. And then when you have no energy, it's hard to do any kind of self-care. And you just spiral downwards. So that's kind of an explanation of the problem - now we both need to come up with some way to counteract these thoughts and not let them affect us so badly.

 

I'll write more tonight! And I'll check in at work to read, if you want to write anything else. Hang in there! We'll figure this out somehow. Dr Phil has talked about automatic thoughts before (ha, a bit embarrassing to mention him all the time, but he really does offer excellent advice), but I can't remember what he said about it. I'll have to google. Hope you have a good rest of the day, and hope that baby comes soon so you can hold and cuddle him Chat more soon!

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove, thanks for writing. I think you're pretty much right about everything you said. When you are so used to worrying about something, it feels strange to have nothing to worry about. So strange that your minds says...this is too good to be true, something bad is about to happen, so you wait or even look for problems.

 

I remember right before we broke up this last time, he said to me, ksol, you can't just be happy. You always expect the worst. You don't know how to just be happy and do the right thing. Stubborn old me took offense to this. I was so mad at him for saying this in the tone he said it. He was absolutely correct and I'm not afraid to admit it now. I'm very self aware. My sister and I were actually having a conversation about this on the couch. As I'm typing this, I'm thinking to myself, I don't really have anything to worry about at the moment. I shouldn't fret. Same goes for you lostlove, once you know you are working toward something, worries should be less. For someone like you and I, it takes a lot to get to that point of being able to do that.

 

I'm working really hard not to worry about all the little details and as many of you told me many times even before the relationship went south, if I changed my attitude and worked solely on rebuilding trust and intimacy, things would improve between us. I am seeing results. They aren't immediate and I'm learning to be patient. I shouldn't always worry about easing my own fears. There is another person involved here and we both have our own individual fears. I just hope we are headed in the right direction and I hope I don't lose control along the way. I know just how easy it is to go astray.

 

Lostlove, it sounds like when you are home, you are in your safety zone. Work doesn't distract you from your anxiety. As I said before, you are doing a damn good job of managing this well and I suspect things will get better as you continue to learns ways to make things easier for yourself. I'm sorry that you are still experiencing this anxiety. You've made some good progress since all of these things happened with him and with your family. When you said exhausting..I know exactly how you feel. That's the perfect word for it. Don't ever give up on yourself. I don't think I've ever asked you this before, but how did you meet him? Do you have mutual friends, did you meet somewhere around town, or online? The reason I ask is, I was wondering if in this time that you guys have been apart, have you met anyone else?

 

No baby yet. We took her to the hospital last night. She was having contractions and light bleeding so we knew something was happening. After being checked, she was cleared and told no labor yet. It's all normal. Could happen tomorrow or next week. Just a waiting game. I'm going to head home today. Will come back as soon as her water breaks. My parents said I could stay and just relax with her, but I think i should go home and stay on top of work. I'll be back when the baby comes and maybe I'll even stay a few days once he's here. I don't know if I should take advantage of the time off work, but my thinking is that I should head home. Kind of being indecisive right now.

 

Hope everyone is having a great day. We're half way through the week.

Lostlove, hope you're doing well!

[Ksol9]

I was about to get on the road to head home. My sister expresses she thinks I should stay. I said I'd make her lunch. She comes out to the living room. As she sits down, her water broke!

 

I'm waiting in the waiting room at the hospital until they check her in to a room. This is such an exciting time in my life. I'm feeling so grateful for my family and to have him back in my life. As my sister was getting dressed she heard me talking on the phone with him.. She opened the door and says HI (his name)! She wanted to know if he would be here. We were sitting in the waiting room and my mom asks about the children. I have not mentioned anything to anyone about him and I. Other than my sister hearing his voice on the phone, no one knows anything. Funny that my mom asked about the children. I hope my sister has a smooth and easy delivery.

 

Just wanted to update. I'm so excited!

[boltnrun]

I read in a book somewhere "when you go looking for trouble, you usually find it".

 

And my mother used to say "don't 'borrow' trouble".

 

It's something to work on. When you get used to expecting the worst it's hard to reprogram yourself to expect the best. But it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

I now approach things with the attitude of "if this works out, great! If not, I'm no worse off than I was five minutes ago". I also think "what's the worst that can happen? I won't DIE if this person says 'no' when I ask them for this or that".

 

And if I do start to worry about something I focus on what I can actually DO, and don't worry about what the other person or people will or won't do, because I can't control that; I can only control me.

 

Is this her first baby? First babies can NEVER decide when they're coming. Either that or they just suddenly appear. Hope she has a relatively quick and uneventful labor and delivery. And how exciting it will be to see his little face for the first time!

[Ksol9]

Hi bolt. You're absolutely right. It is hard to reprogram when this has become a normal and usual way of thinking. I am all too familiar with self fulfilled prophecies because I do believe that is what has been going on with me for quite some time. I think self awareness is at the top of the list as far as change. I know for the rest of my life, I will have to constantly remind myself to change the way I look at things. A negative mind can not and will not bring positive results. I'm trying my hardest not to worry about him or the relationship..as you said, I need to shift my focus and have a different attitude about it. So far I'm doing ok and my plan is to keep taking careful slow steps. The minute I sense something a little off, I'll need to retract and refocus using therapy or something else.

 

Him and I have been talking throughout the day. He insisted on taking the day off to come to the hospital in the morning. I told him I didn't want him to go through the trouble. I don't know what mood my sister will be in and if she will be up for visitors, so I said it will probably be better if we come back together when they are home and settled with the baby. I sense he feels guilty for missing the baby shower and now the birth. I have always told him to be there for my family. That is important to me, but since the breakup, I would rather him stay his distance until we make sure things are solid between us. As much as I want him around and involved, I think it's best this way for now.. Of course I didn't tell him this. He also asked if I would accompany him this weekend to visit a friend of his. His friends wife just had a baby. Then we would visit his boss and his family. I said that it sounded like a great idea. I will probably be heading home tomorrow. It's something to look forward to. I haven't seen any of his friends or his boss since the breakup. I know his boss is the first to know that him and I are working on things. I'm still very nervous to see him because I know he knows details about our relationship. I miss him a lot and I'm excited to spend the weekend with him.

 

This is my sister's first baby. This is also my parent's first grandchild. We have been here for over 8 hours. She just went into labor. I'm awaiting news of the delivery downstairs. I'm sitting outside of the hospital getting some fresh air. I'm scared and excited. Just hoping all goes well for mother and child. Be back later to update.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. Just wanted to say that I'm happy for you that things are going well!! I didn't get hardly any sleep last night, and had a down day, so I'm about to take some Benadryl and hope for sleep. But just wanted to pop in and say hi. I hope everything goes well with the baby (I'm sure that it will), and I'm excited for you! Talk more soon

[lostlove76]

Oh... I haven't read this yet, but it popped up on my fb feed and the subject is quite fitting, so wanted to share it with you also. I'll give it a read myself in a bit.

 

 

How to Live Peacefully With Repetitive Negative Thoughts