Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

Hey lostlove. Thank you for writing and thank for commenting on my email. I thought in the email I was accepting too much blame and almost begging for another chance. In essence, I was accepting blame fod my part and asking for another try, but I feel I did it coming from a honest, mature, and understanding place. After reading your posts, I was about to reply to him at this moment, but it's after 1am. Too late to reply. I don't know if I should wait for him to contact again or just do it tomorrow. I will be very straightforward about wanting to have this talk he has been dodging. I don't mind guiding us in that direction because I can't take this small talk anymore. You noted that when you went through a similar experience, had you not put your foot down, he would have never spoken about the issues at hand. You did and then things got better. We really teach others how to treat us. I really think this is just something I'll have to address since he is still continuing to text and continue with this small talk. I agree that I don't know how long it would continue if i allow things to continue this way. Furthermore, if I don't set any boundaries and establish some sort of direction on where we are going, he will most likely continue whatever he has going on with other women because he is still single and we are in this weird place. I still think if he was a decent person and a man who really cares about me, he would handle this matter with me, move toward reconciliation rather than let us be in this awkward space...if reconciliation is what he wants. My therapist and boltrun spoke about setting boundaries and I think that is the best thing to do. I should not fear whichever way this goes just as long as I don't stay in this unhealthy limbo because it is literally tearing me apart.

 

There is so much you said that I want to reply to but I think I should try to go back to sleep since I didn't sleep at all yesterday. Hopefully ill be able to fall back asleep. I'll reply to the rest tomorrow when I'm up, alert, and in better spirits. I'm in so much pain and I want to contact him to help this thing along, but I don't know if I should just sit tight until the next contact if he even sends another text, or just get to the point tomorrow. I'm conflicted still. I just want to do the right thing without losing any respect for myself. I have a hard time having faith and belief that he isn't messing me around since the small talk has led to no where. I think you've made some excellent points. You've always done a good job putting yourself in the other persons shoes. I really hope you're well lostlove. Let me know how you've been doing since your dr visit. I hope you're hanging in there. Hugs and goodnight. (Boy do I really need a hug) lol.

[Ksol9]

Honestly? My reaction is anger.

 

You poured your heart out in a very reasonable way and he comes back later with "hi"???!!!

 

I know the "hi" wasn't in response to your email, but come on...this is what he comes up with? "Hi" and "where are you"?

 

I'd ask him one more time the way I suggested earlier. If he comes back with "hi", well, I'd be done.

 

Hopefully he does better than that.

 

 

I have honestly questioned over and over after sending that email if I should be offended by his hi and how are you's. It is disrespectful that I've opened up emotionally and he has been shut down. That is why I still think...a huge part of me still thinks he has a very good reason why he hasn't been man enough to give a clear response about what he wants and what his intentions are. I've chosen not to become angry. To be patient, understanding, and kind. That was all until yesterday when everything came crashing down on me. Like I said before, he's no idiot and he knows what it is that I need and want to move forward. My impression is that he just doesn't want it. He hasn't put in a real effort, contact every couple days with chit chat...I'm in so much pain because I've had to be the bigger person this whole way through with nothing in return from him. It isn't right. Lostlove made a lot of sense and she could very well be right, my therapist even said he just doesn't know how to respond or how to proceed. Maybe it's something he's just not ready for. Maybe he does want to play the field and keep me there. Maybe it was best I ignored that text for now until another attempt. Maybe he needs to feel that Im not ok with the small talk and needs to think this through for a bit. Maybe he needs to feel the uncertainty I've been feeling. Of course it's possible none of this could actually affect him in any way close to what I've experienced but maybe he'll just think (another thing my therapist mentioned). I'm scared of the risk I could be taking because we've made it to a place I didn't think we'd make it to. The dynamic has changed in the sense, he is initiating contact. I'm afraid we will go right back into silence for lack of communication and for me not setting clear boundaries. I may not hear from him again after that ignored text.

 

Thank you bolt. I'm going to try to sleep on everything. My mind is still very foggy from the heightened emotions and lack of sleep.

[lostlove76]

Aw, sending lots of virtual hugs your way ksol

 

It's funny (not funny haha) how differently things can be perceived by different people. I can totally understand your confusion. Bolt had a completely opposite reaction to the email than I did. It's all about perception, isn't it? Which makes this so hard, I know. Do keep in mind when you read my advice and interpretations that I spent a loooong time "putting myself in his shoes" with mine, trying to be understanding, trying to be patient, trying to get inside his head. I put an enormous amount of effort into this with him, for two years, so my interpretations towards your situation might be slightly skewed in that I might be TOO "understanding" (I put that in quotes, because I could always be wrong with what I think he's thinking) of your guy's point of view when I try to get in his head. So please always take what I say as suggestion rather than great advice. Do what feels right to you. I guess that's what we ALWAYS need to do when we receive advice - listen openly, consider the points being made, but ultimately make our own decisions.

 

See how you feel tomorrow and go from there. If you need to sit still and do nothing, do that. I really hope you can get some sleep. You'll be better able to make a good decision when you're well-rested.

 

As for me, I'm okay. I felt pretty relaxed after I got to work today. There are just so many different things that factor into whether or not I'll feel the anxiety, and how how bad it will be. I guess today the cards lined up for a decent mood - I got enough sleep last night, the weather was really nice, I had a nice chat with a couple girls at work. And he was online a lot today, which I'm ashamed to say still affects me, but it does - I still feel down when he's not on. I know it's not rational, but it's just how I feel. He's been on for quite awhile after midnight, too, so either he's working night shift and just stayed alone for the day leading up to it, or he's not working and is just at home alone. Don't know which, and really doesn't matter I guess. But of course I'm hoping they're on the outs, if for no other reason than it just goes to show that he won't have a perfect relationship with anyone and it wasn't just me.

 

Anyhoo!! I'll be up for a while if you can't sleep, but I hope that you can. Goodnight.

[Ksol9]

Good morning. Was able to get some sleep last night. Not enough though. It's never enough.

 

My morning was a little off. One of our employees called off sick so I had to stop at one of our other locations. I was late and hadn't even gotten to the office yet. This is the location across from the car wash. As I'm walking out, i see him pulling in. I waited inside until I saw he was actually turning into the car wash and not our parking lot. Then I saw him hop out of the truck and began to spray it down. I sent him a text asking if that was him at the car wash. I figured the phone was in the truck and he would see it when he got back in. I left and went to the office. He never responded.

 

I can bet he's not going to respond because I ignored his text yesterday, so we're probably back to silence. It's been a while since I sent that text. I would expect him to ignore my text since I ignored his.

 

I'm in the bank drive thru waiting for them to finish my deposit. I just wanted to write what happened. Will respond to previous posts later on when I'm finished with work. I hope you have a wonderful day today.

[Ksol9]

He responded to my text earlier. He said it was him at the car wash and then asked what I was doing. I didn't respond right away because I was busy at the office. I wanted to respond when I could dedicate my undivided attention as I am ready to initiate conversation about meeting and settling things. He then sent another text asking why I didn't stop by to say hi if I saw him there. I responded saying, "he looked pretty busy, so I didn't want to bother him." I honestly didn't know how to respond to that. He responded saying he was actually in a rush because he received a last minute notice saying he had to go to a meeting out of town and had to be there at 2. I immediately realized what was going on here. Yes, it was a bs conversation, but I also know he wouldn't be washing his truck to get on the interstate. We live in FL. The city he is traveling to is about 3 hours away and you have to drive through the everglades. Your car would get dirty and full of bugs. There's no reason he would wash that truck other than to soothe his curiosity. I am pretty sure he was wondering why I didn't respond to his message yesterday.

 

He went on ask how I was doing and then said he has been working 16 hour days sometimes since they are getting this new project started. He said he has been feeling like a zombie. He was texting as he was waiting to go into his meeting at 2. A little more small talk and I began to grow irritated that we were just chit chatting again. I also started to feel that maybe he has been so busy with work that I was not a priority and maybe that is why he hasn't addressed things. I stopped responding right there and then. I didn't feel it was appropriate to bring up anything since he was traveling out of town for work, but I'm just going to get to the point..and I'll do it very soon. He's being very cowardly if he thinks this is the way handle things between us.

 

 

Sorry if my quotes are out of order.

 

As for me, I'm okay. I felt pretty relaxed after I got to work today. There are just so many different things that factor into whether or not I'll feel the anxiety, and how how bad it will be. I guess today the cards lined up for a decent mood - I got enough sleep last night, the weather was really nice, I had a nice chat with a couple girls at work. And he was online a lot today, which I'm ashamed to say still affects me, but it does - I still feel down when he's not on. I know it's not rational, but it's just how I feel. He's been on for quite awhile after midnight, too, so either he's working night shift and just stayed alone for the day leading up to it, or he's not working and is just at home alone. Don't know which, and really doesn't matter I guess. But of course I'm hoping they're on the outs, if for no other reason than it just goes to show that he won't have a perfect relationship with anyone and it wasn't just me.

 

I'm glad that you are feeling a bit more at ease. I know it's too soon to be completely anxiety free from all the things you have experienced lately. That is why you have to continue to be patient and kind to yourself. Things will get better. I think you're right that you will have better days when things are aligned. All the things you mentioned factor in. And don't be ashamed that him and his online activities are apart of that list. You have spent a couple years working on this relationship and it's aftermath, so it's also going to take some time to move forward. You feel down when he's not on because you know he could be busy with someone else or just living and enjoying life in general. Knowing he is online alot keeps you connected in someway and if he is on for long periods of time or frequently, he is most likely bored and alone. I completely understand. I've always maintained my opinion of your situation. I don't think he will magically change or will just click with someone new. I don't believe for a second that it was just you. He has had a number of failed relationships (unhealthy ones) that you have told me about. He will most likely continue in this pattern unless he does some work to change.

 

I was so happy to talk to him again, and be with him occasionally, that I "played it cool" for MONTHS, not wanting to upset anything or scare him off. He took advantage of that, and I later went through his phone and saw what he was doing with other girls.

 

This is exactly my concern if I we don't address things. After I slept on everything and have had some time to think it through, I think I made it clear what I want out of this situation. I am not going to put myself in a position to settle for anything less or in between....unless that is what I want. I don't want to be stuck in this place with him. It was ok for a little while, but I've realized he either doesn't know what he wants or doesn't know how to initiate a conversation about everything. Just like you explained, if you didn't make him sit down and talk, he would have continued to take advantage. I don't believe men do this maliciously. They do this because some just don't have the skills or tools to communicate effectively. I spoke about this with my therapist yesterday. He said I wouldn't believe how many people do not know how to communicate properly and this is why there are so many relationships that fail. Communication is key. I am now learning how to be a better listener and communicator.

 

Boundaries are necessary at this point because this is affecting me emotionally. I've been in a lot of pain the past few days. Bolt made a great point and gave some good suggestions that were right along with what my therapist said to how I should communicate some boundaries with him. I believe it will be a difficult conversation to initiate, but I have to do it.

 

I gave a short summary in my last post about how things went after the first time we broke up and semi- got back together, and then cut contact and got back together for real after I went through his phone. We never talked about relationship stuff until that happened (until we got back together after I walked away after going through his phone - I hope the timeline isn't confusing). At that point I was just like, screw it, I'm going to stand up for myself and remain firm, and we need to talk about this. He agreed to talk, I went over and he whined for half a second about not wanting to talk, I said no we're going to talk, and we did! I was always so scared to address anything before that. But during that convo, and ever since then, I said what I needed to say and he talked about it with me.

 

See...you stood up for yourself, implemented some boundaries, and he respected it. We really do teach others how to treat us. If we don't respect ourselves and stand up for what we want, how can anyone else respect us? I don't want to end up in a situation like this. I refuse to spend time with him or continue this small talk because it just doesn't feel right. I also don't appreciate us not having a title. Something has to be established soon. He can't play the field and behave as though we are just texting buddies. As bolt said, we are not friends. There is too much history and things that have happened to say we are just friends. I can't continue with this small talk thing for much longer.

 

I think the more they have the difficult conversations, the easier it becomes. At first they're scared of it. But then they see the world doesn't end (as long as you handle the convos in a good way), and the next time isn't so scary. I hope that makes sense. You don't need to feel at all like you have to walk on eggshells, but you do need to make it feel safe to have a convo. If he sees that it can be calm, without anything underhanded (name-calling, using weaknesses against him, passive-aggressiveness, saying deeply hurtful things, whatever, those are just examples). If he sees that it can make things better and not worse. Then he'll be more open to it the next time.

 

Practice does make perfect. I think you are absolutely correct here. If a couple is able to change the way they interact, communication naturally improves because they both react to eachother in a healthy way. This is where him and I went wrong. Over time it was just anger and resentment between. I didn't even realize where I was going wrong. Now I am very aware and I think with work from both of us, we can have a better relationship, but as you have said many times, it takes 2 to accomplish this.

 

First off, it's a beautiful email. You were open and honest, vulnerable yet strong. I see nothing at all wrong with it; it's perfect.

 

Thank you for saying this. It took alot of courage for me to be so vulnerable. I don't think we would have gotten to this point otherwise. Unfortunately, I am experiencing alot of pain because he is not communicating his feeling to me. I feel like I am completely in the dark.

 

Everything seems fine on his end!! I think you're going to have to be more direct about needing to have the conversation, because at this point, I can't see that he understands that you need or want this.

 

I agree with you perception of everything. He seems to be going right along with what I spoke about in the email, but I find it so cowardly that he has left everything open. As a result, along with everything you said, it's only natural I think the very worst. We're not on the same page and I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out why he is conducting things in this way. I feel he's playing the field, he's not serious about me, he doesn't know what he wants, and is just keeping this open like this for an option. I'm going to have to be direct and of course I am afraid that he will reject. I'm afraid that he just doesn't want the relationship right now. He initiates communication with me about every other day, I can't imagine someone contacting me on that frequency and not have a purpose in my life. It's really strange that he won't open up to me and state what he is thinking and feeling about me and the status of our relationship. It truly baffles me. He's is no idiot. He knows what I want and maybe you are right that he hasn't asked to see me because he thinks it's too soon since I declined the first time. I've been thinking the reason why is because he knows once we start spending time with eachother, he will have to make some sort of commitment or at talk about it and it seems to me that this is not what he wants so he is avoiding face to face interaction. I don't want to go to his home nor do I want to become intimate with him on any level until we have a good talk. I just wouldn't put myself in that position.

 

I think you probably need to be honest about what you're feeling, in a kind and calm and no-pressure and not-overly-emotional way. And non-accusatory, left that one out.

 

This is what I'm going to have to do soon.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I didn't sleep well, so I'm low on energy today. I'm glad you were able to get some, but I know how you feel - it's never enough!

 

I agree that he went to the car wash hoping to see what you were up to, since you didn't respond to his text yesterday. I'm glad it gave you a reason to text him, so that it didn't go back to silence. Once one person withdraws, then the other might respond by withdrawing as well. I would hate for things to get to that point without something having been resolved here.

 

I guess you're going to have to be the one to initiate the conversation about where things stand, since he seems content to go along with the small talk. I really don't think it's because he's playing the field. It's either: 1) he's doing what he thinks you want, based on your email; 2) he simply doesn't know how to communicate about the issues; 3) he doesn't want to communicate about it because he knows it will be difficult; or 4) he's feeling apprehensive about a full relationship due to past problems between you two. It's hard to know which of these it is, but I'm sure it's one of them, or even some combination of all of them. But I don't think he wants to be free to play the field. That's just your anxiety and negativity that's making you feel that way.

 

I know it's scary to think about possible rejection if you bring up the convo, but you're feeling so uneasy about how things are going that I think you're just going to have to bite the bullet and do it. I would be feeling as uneasy as you are. Women need relationships to be more defined. Men are usually fine to just go along without that, but we NEED to know where we stand in order to feel secure. Right or wrong, it just it what it is. We don't do well living in limbo land.

 

Have you thought about the best way to bring it up? You haven't talked on the phone yet have you, just texting? If you say some version of "we need to talk" over text, he may ignore it or leave you hanging for a long while (remember the selective communication article about texting). So I wonder if it would be better to bring it up over the phone so that he can't ignore and dodge it.

 

Thank you so much for always understanding how I'm feeling, and everything you said is right on target. It's still going to take some time before I don't feel affected by whether he's online or not. I wish I knew if he can even see me online; remember how I said my friend (who I've never been fb friends with, but I can see him online because his number is in my phone) can't see me on there. He probably can't even see me, but I can see him. He was mostly mia on Tuesday, but on a ton last evening and night. Sigh. It really doesn't even matter.

 

How are you feeling now as the day goes by?

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove, sorry you aren't feeling so great today. Do you have to work today? Hopefully you'll be able to relax. I'm not feeling so great either, not because of sleep, but because I'm feeling sad and discouraged.

 

I agree that he went to the car wash hoping to see what you were up to, since you didn't respond to his text yesterday. I'm glad it gave you a reason to text him, so that it didn't go back to silence. Once one person withdraws, then the other might respond by withdrawing as well. I would hate for things to get to that point without something having been resolved here.

 

I think so too. I believe he went there just out of curiosity or maybe thinking I'd see him. It was definitely triggered by me ignoring his text yesterday. Remember how you said exs go places they know their ex would see them ect. Similar thing happened here. He accomplished whatever he was trying to accomplish because I did see him and used it as an opportunity to contact him. I think bolt was right about what she said yesterday, I shouldn't run to answer his pointless questions since he isn't giving my concerns any importance. I don't know what his intentions are so I'm always feeling at any moment I won't hear from him again. I'm feeling that way at this moment because I've been thinking about the things he said to me about his job earlier.

 

I guess you're going to have to be the one to initiate the conversation about where things stand, since he seems content to go along with the small talk. I really don't think it's because he's playing the field. It's either: 1) he's doing what he thinks you want, based on your email; 2) he simply doesn't know how to communicate about the issues; 3) he doesn't want to communicate about it because he knows it will be difficult; or 4) he's feeling apprehensive about a full relationship due to past problems between you two. It's hard to know which of these it is, but I'm sure it's one of them, or even some combination of all of them. But I don't think he wants to be free to play the field. That's just your anxiety and negativity that's making you feel that way.

 

Thank you for writing this the way you did and I think you're right that it may be a combination on those four points. I have been thinking about what he last said about his long work days. He went to a meeting today and posted a photo of the room on FB. A room full of people paying attention to a presentation. His caption read...the next step to a great future and bigger opportunities!

He is very focused on his career. I think regardless of if he is playing the field, working long hours, or whatever.....I am not a priority in his life and neither is reconciliation. He sends me a purposeless text every couple of days. I'm pretty sure when he begins to miss me or wonders what I'm up to...he reaches out just to say hi or to chit chat. There doesn't seem to be anyone else of significance in his life. Maybe he can't even maintain a relationship right now with everything going on in his life. Don't you think it's pretty clear that he just doesn't want this relationship right now? Maybe I'm just throwing a pity party for myself. I'm just feeling really down and sad about the whole thing.

 

I'm even contemplating asking him to address things between us. Maybe I just need to distance myself. I keep thinking about something my therapist said yesterday. He said that sometimes all a person needs is silence...silence will provoke that person to think. I am so fearful that if ignore his texts, he will leave me alone and walk away. If he does that, then that is an answer in itself. I guess I need to just think this through for a bit. I probably won't hear from him for a couple days. I'll do some good thinking in that time so I will have a better idea of how to respond if I hear from him again. I've been told many times by my friends here on this forum that I can't force anything. Maybe I need to protect myself by staying away and just let him sort this out for himself. I've done my part. I don't know everything that is going on in his life, but I do know that when the children and I left, his job has become more demanding. This new project is going to be extremely demanding for a little while until things get off the ground. I need to take all of those things into consideration. Whether he is trying to string me along, mess me around, or just contacting me out of sheer boredom, I can't force him into making a decision about this. He doesn't give me any indication he's interested in me in those text message. It's platonic..innocent. It's really strange. We're in such a weird place and I don't understand it. Maybe it's not all that strange and this is how he is is with any other woman he could be talking to or seeing.

 

Thank you so much for always understanding how I'm feeling, and everything you said is right on target. It's still going to take some time before I don't feel affected by whether he's online or not. I wish I knew if he can even see me online; remember how I said my friend (who I've never been fb friends with, but I can see him online because his number is in my phone) can't see me on there. He probably can't even see me, but I can see him. He was mostly mia on Tuesday, but on a ton last evening and night. Sigh. It really doesn't even matter.

 

Do you think it's just iphones that have this capability to see non facebook friends are online? That is so strange. I wonder too if he's able to see you online. I'm not encouraging you to look if you haven't, but have you been able to stay away from their pages or have you confirmed they are still together? If you haven't looked, continue doing whatever you are doing to resist the urge. You are doing well. Either way, it's not something you need to focus on at the moment. Your health is of the most importance right now. You need to get to a place where things have stabilized. All those things that happened in your family are still pretty fresh. Give yourself time and just try to take things day by day. Take care of yourself day by day. When you begin to feel agitated or overly anxious, take a step back and relax from all the outside factors that tend to add to your anxieties.

 

I just realized it's raining outside. The sound of the rain sounded it a little weird so I peeked out the window and I see hail. So weird??? It's sunny Florida. Last time I saw hail, I think it was in the 90's. lol I love the rain. I think I'm just going to snuggle in bed and watch some tv. I miss him so much right now.

[lostlove76]

Hail, so cool!! I love the rain too, and any sort of bad weather. Our neighboring counties got lots of hail the other night, and we got nothing. Snuggling in bed sounds like a great idea. I've been watching tv, too (didn't have to work today). It sounds silly, but I've been watching 7th Heaven reruns lately. It's just such a feel-good show, and a reminder of simpler times.

 

I'm on my phone or else I would go back and grab a couple of quotes from your email to him, but I think his post of the picture from work is because you told him he needs to concentrate on his life and such. So I think he's trying to show that he's doing that, maybe feeling like you have someone watching his page or can see it somehow. Or even if he doesn't think you'll know what he posted, I think he's still just trying to do what you said, because that's what you made it seem like you want. I don't think it means he's so into work that he doesn't want a relationship. I still stick by what I said in my post about his possible interpretation of your email. And I still think it's possible that he's not bringing anything up because you said "let's leave the past in the past." In addition, you told him in that text a while back that it was all water under the bridge. So he very well may think that you don't WANT to discuss things. Dr Phil always says that you have to put the dots really close together for men to understand what you want. He may also not want to rock the boat by bringing up sore subjects, since in his eyes, you two are getting along nicely.

 

I'm not sure if it's an iPhone thing with the fb non-friends; that's very possible. I think you also have to sync your contacts in order for it to show up. He probably deleted my number long ago, or could have even gotten a new phone. I haven't looked again at his page recently, because I worry it would set me back to see that they're still in a relationship. I never thought I would be able to quit looking. The only things I look at anymore are seeing if he's online, and posts he's liked (and as much time as he spends on there, he rarely likes anything). I also still look at trashy married woman's pages simply out of habit and curiosity, just to observe her trainwreck of a life. It doesn't do me any harm to look at hers, since they're no longer together. So I've cut way way back, because I used to look all over the place for any signs of what he was up to.

 

I'm trying to do exactly what you said - trying to relax, taking things day by day, until my emotional health has stabilized. I can't afford to get myself all stressed out and worked up anymore. I keep meaning to start reading for pleasure again, but just haven't yet because I don't see how I could concentrate on it. But I'll do that soon.

 

I think things are going to be okay, ksol. I think he misses you and wants to be back together, even if he doesn't know how, and even if he's feeling a bit apprehensive. I think in his mind, things are on a steady pace back towards being together. He would have no idea that you're experiencing all this turmoil. I would just caution against stonewalling, because that or a big argument are the two things that might put you two back into silence. I'm a huge stonewaller, so I understand the urge. But I don't think distancing yourself is the way to go right now. I could be wrong. But it's my feeling that you just need to be more assertive with what you want, because otherwise he's not going to know, and you're going to get more and more upset.

 

Enjoy your evening in bed Sounds very cozy!

[Ksol9]

I love 7th Heaven! I remember being addicted to that show. "Simpler times" how true is that? Wish I could just go back to days where life wasn't so complicated. I guess we have to keep reminding ourselves that the tumultuous road we have been on will lead to a beautiful place....someday. Key word..feel-good. I smiled when I read that. You are taking care of yourself even in the simplest way.

 

I truly appreciate how you are able to point out what it would like from his point of view. I feel like I don't consider how it would be like to be him receiving an email like that or how he would interpret it. My mind completely blocks it out. Remember how he said..I don't know what to say? That should be a clear indication to me that he wouldn't know how to react to anything I said to him. He's clueless in every sense when it comes to communication. As I'm typing this, I just received a text saying...what are you doing?

smh...I don't know what to say about this guy. What if this is how he entertains himself now that he's alone? Mindless chit chatting with women.

 

I'm glad to read that you are trying to relax. There is great comfort in knowing your limits and knowing to listen to your body. You know what you need to do to take care of yourself. These are all great signs and I'm proud of you. I know it doesn't seem like you are making progress, but you have come a long way. He has a place inside of you that you are just not willing to let go of right now and that is ok. You don't have to. Look at what I've gone through...and what I am going through still..in my relationship. Even when you know something is harming bringing you harm, your heart wins either way. The heart wants what it wants. I understand what you are going through. You are learning to manage the pain and I think that is all that matters.

 

I think things are going to be okay, ksol. I think he misses you and wants to be back together, even if he doesn't know how, and even if he's feeling a bit apprehensive. I think in his mind, things are on a steady pace back towards being together. He would have no idea that you're experiencing all this turmoil. I would just caution against stonewalling, because that or a big argument are the two things that might put you two back into silence. I'm a huge stonewaller, so I understand the urge. But I don't think distancing yourself is the way to go right now. I could be wrong. But it's my feeling that you just need to be more assertive with what you want, because otherwise he's not going to know, and you're going to get more and more upset.

 

I really hope everything is going to be ok lostlove. Everything you said here pretty much sums it up. I have to admit that I am trying to find the strength to initiate conversation about what I want. He's just sent a text telling me about his meeting. I almost can't believe this. We have not even seen eachother? I don't understand what he is trying to do. He has no idea how much pain I am in because I'm in the dark. I've spoken enough about what I want and he had nothing to say. And I understand everything you are saying about stonewalling. I know its not healthy at all. It won't solve anything. Maybe he is also uneasy about where we are right now. I'm assuming that is why he went to the car wash this morning. This is just getting ridiculous now.

[Ksol9]

The small talk finally led to him asking me to lunch tomorrow. He said I could come over tonight, but of course I declined. I don't know what makes him think he'd get away with that one, but I guess he thought he wouldn't lose anything to try. I don't even know what to say when I meet him for lunch. Oh jeeze everything I've been thinking about just went out the window. I know tomorrow is my opportunity to speak about where things are headed. Oh gosh, I'm going to lose sleep trying to figure out how I'm going to talk about this email.

[boltnrun]

I wouldn't even try.

 

I would say, "so what are your thoughts on the email I sent you?"

 

And if his reply is "I don't know", I'd say "well, I'm not up for just pretending to be friends or pretending the past didn't happen. I'd like to work on making sure the past doesn't repeat itself. If you're on board, please let me know. Otherwise I'll have to discontinue the casual chit chat because it's counterproductive. If the answer is 'no', I wish you all the best."

 

BTW, kudos for not going over tonight. You probably know sex would have happened and it's pretty much impossible to backpedal after that. So, good for you.

[lostlove76]

Well that's good news!! Maybe try to make the lunch half feel-good, half discussion... instead of all serious talk. We don't need to coddle men, but they do generally tend to move towards pleasure and away from pain. So if you're wanting to move forward with him, there needs to be some good stuff, too. That's just my opinion, and I don't even know if I have anywhere near the right answers, but that's what I would suggest. I think if it were me, I'd jot some things down on paper that you're going to want to discuss. Just the act of writing it down will help you remember. I know when I get nervous, I often forget what I wanted to say. Maybe keep it in your purse and you can go to the bathroom for a peek at it if you need to. Deja vu... I think I recommended this very same thing the last time y'all got back together lol. I think it will help.

 

Do you have any ideas how you want to bring it up, or what exactly you want to talk about?

[Ksol9]

Thank you bolt and lostlove.

 

I'm such a pushover that I'm afraid I won't even bring it up. You both are right and as you said bolt, I should directly ask him what his thoughts are on the email. I think I'll just leave that for after lunch. Maybe before we leave. I absolutely think had I gone to his house, and one thing would have lead to another. After that, I won't be able to backpedal as you said bolt. I don't want to go to his house until we establish something. I just can't do it. and lostlove you are right also, lunch can't all be serious talk. I'm trying not to rehearse everything in my mind. Just go with the flow, buy before I leave I have to bring up something about how he is feeling about the status of our relationship. I can not go further with him beyond that lunch until he opens up a bit. I'm really worried because I know I've had trouble with these types of conversations. He isn't going to initiate the conversation it will have to be me.

 

I'll let you know how everything goes.

[lostlove76]

What time is lunch? Good luck! Looking forward to hearing how it went.

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone. I just wanted to give an update.

 

We spoke earlier this morning and agreed that dinner would probably be better. I was relieved. Fridays are a bit hectic at work, but more so relieved because I wasn't really sure how I wanted to bring about this conversation. If it was up to him, he would continue to dance around this issue until it disappears. I have a feeling he may ask me to come over and he will order take out. I know him well. If he does, I'm going to just say everything I have to say even if it means I don't end up seeing him. I really don't want to go over there without some sort of idea that we are on the same page. It crossed my mind that maybe I should just go with the flow and enjoy the moment, treat it as a new relationship, and let things fall into place, but I've attempted to do that before in the past and it will only come back to bite me in the butt sooner or later. I'd rather get this over with now, so I can proceed with some sort of peace of mind. Isn't that the right thing to do providing the circumstances of our relationship? If we do end up going out to dinner, I'll talk about it over dinner. Either way, this conversation is going to happen today.

 

I've been going back to review previous posts from lostlove and bolt over the past few days just to refresh my mind. It's all pretty simple. I'm going to say that I understand he's ready to see me and I want to see him too, but I want to know if that means he wants to give things a try. I will explain that I sent him an email and he knows what I want, but that I've been in the dark and I need to know where he stands. I'll tell him if he doesn't want to try, that is ok. I understand his position. I can't go any further unless I know we are on the same page. I hope he doesn't take it as some sort of ultimatum. I really don't feel comfortable proceeding any further...especially intimately, without understanding we are going to work toward reconciliation. He knows exactly what I want and maybe it is obvious that he wants to get back together, but I need it to be said because I don't want to feel like he put me in some sort of casual situation with him. I'm not going that route.

 

I hope I'm going about this the right way. I hope I don't scare him away with my need for clarification. I'm trying not to stress too much about it and just allow this to happen as it should. I sense he is still apprehensive. I know he would avoid all of this if he could. I am almost certain the day I ignored his text, it triggered him to push this along.

 

I hope everyone is enjoying their day.

[Ksol9]

What time is lunch? Good luck! Looking forward to hearing how it went.

 

Hey lostlove, I must have been writing while you posted this. Were you able to get some rest? Hope you enjoy the rest of the day and thank you for wishing me good luck.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. Sounds good to me - I agree with everything you said. You do need clarification, and you have the right to ask for it. Don't worry about scaring him off; if he doesn't want a relationship, then you need to know, and that would be your answer. Stay firm, stick up for your wants and needs, and you'll be okay. I don't have much to add, because I think you have a good handle on things. Good luck!

[lostlove76]

Hey lostlove, I must have been writing while you posted this. Were you able to get some rest? Hope you enjoy the rest of the day and thank you for wishing me good luck.

 

Hi You're welcome! I just wrote again lol, but I think things will go fine! I did finally get enough rest, I think! What time is dinner?

[jenny_mcs]

Hi there-

 

 

I read through this thread over the last few weeks- and reached the end just as you are meeting with your ex tonight- exciting!

 

 

One thing that I would suggest to “get ready” for your dinner is to re-read the email that you sent him and try to be in that “place” when you meet. The email really came from a place of kindness, hope, and strength.

 

 

Don’t let yourself slip back into old patterns. I can see it on this thread, a bit (the slipping into old patterns). In the email, you tell him there is no rush, take time to think things through, etc. But in the thread you seem to become really irate and sad when he wasn’t responding as quickly or how you wanted.

 

 

In the email you admit that you often created issues that were trivial and pointless, yet on the thread just recently you saw he commented on a woman’s FB page and were instantly hurt/angry that he was “playing the field” and “messing you around.”

 

 

I think you need to be really aware that it is hard to break out of old patterns and create new, healthy ones, and really be in a place where you do not let this anger and hurt take over.

 

 

Don’t look at this meeting as him having to prove to you that he wants to make an effort. Look at it as BOTH of you starting to explore if you can work towards new, healthier ways of interacting.

 

 

For example, if he does suggest meeting at his place and getting take-out, instead of being secretly angry about that, and assigning a bunch of intentions to it (that may or may not be true), you could just say that you prefer to meet for dinner. Give him a chance to listen and fulfill that request for you.

 

 

Good luck!

[jmb]

I totally agree with what Jenny above said! I don't think he is playing the field and don't think he is stringing you along. I imagine he wants to see if you have changed by your actions/demeanor, not just because you say so...the old saying actions speak louder than words. He may very well not know if he wants to reconcile and I am pretty sure he wont want to if you guys still have the same old issues that plagued your relationship before. Ksol, you can love someone and care about them deeply but sometimes that still is not enough to have a happy healthy relationship. I truly think this is why he is taking his time. But the fact that he wants to see you is a BIG deal. It seems as though you are constantly reacting rather than just responding to the situation. I still believe getting together with him is the best idea. I would bee happy and confident, don't bring up the email and just catch up, showing him that you can just be easy going. Men don't like drama, he will likely address the relationship with you he sees that you are really making strides to improve. Don't let this all blow up in your face by having one and only agenda, which is to see if he wants to work on things.

[Ksol9]

Hi You're welcome! I just wrote again lol, but I think things will go fine! I did finally get enough rest, I think! What time is dinner?

 

We didn't agree on a time for dinner. I guess he will call me later. I told him whatever works for him is ok with me. Glad to hear that you were able to get some sleep. Thank you for your encouragement and for your belief in me. It means alot. I've been thinking alot about how I want to handle everything especially after reading the posts from jenny_mcs and jmb.

 

Enjoy the rest of your day and we will chat later!

[UnchainedSoul]

Hey there Ksol!

 

Just wanted to play catch up and wish you luck on the dinner tonight. I hope it actually happens and I hope you get the answers you have been craving for. I won't write much now about what I am thinking I will let your dinner happen first before I put more cents in rather than just "two" haha.

 

As for me, I am doing really well. The bipolar in me is in high gear as I have a disability review coming up that is kicking up nerves in which I need to be evaluated. I am sort of a wreck about that, but such is life right?

 

Again I want to send you some love, hugs and luck. I do hope you finally get the answers you are seeking. You deserve them after all this pain you have gone though.

 

Hope for an update soon! Chat later. xoxoxo

[boltnrun]

Please don't decide to not say anything in the fear you will "scare him away"!

 

If you decide to act as though the past never happened because you want to "keep" him, I can pretty much guarantee the same thing will happen and you'll be dealing with breakup #3.

 

Why should he get everything he wants and you just have to stifle your feelings and needs? Why can't it be the BOTH of you who gets what they want and need?

 

Please don't let fear dictate what you do or say. Because, I've said this a million times, fear has NO place in a love relationship. Neither does anxiety.

 

I think what you plan to say is perfect. If he chooses to try to avoid the topic, well, there's your answer.

 

If he asks for time, I'd respect that but then don't make the mistake of sleeping with him assuming he's going to be on the same page. I'd make things clear before any intimacy happens.

 

You can do this. I believe if you want the relationship to succeed, you will find the strength to say what you need to say.

[Nina95]

Ksol, I guess dinner must have happened already, but wanted to wish you best of luck as well tonight, sending yiu good vibes. Luck and strength. Agree with Bolt above, stay true to yourself. You both need to make changes to make this work. Keep us posted.

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone. I just wanted to let everyone know I am home now. Everything went beautifully. The energy between him and I was unexplainable. We laughed, talked, and just enjoyed eachother's company. I'd like to explain more in detail about our night, but I'll do so when I have a little more time to write. I am in bed and just wanted to thank each and everyone of you who have supported me and who I know will continue to support me.

 

We spoke briefly about about our time apart. He said he has been alone and that there was no one else.. He also said something to me that pretty much let me know where he stands. He asked if my parents disliked him and I said no, they just want us to get this thing right. He stopped and he looked at me. He said, we all do. Me, my children, we all want you and I to make it. I still have a lot of pending conversations to have with him, but I just wanted to enjoy the evening. Honestly, I needed to exhale. Our chemistry is what it always has been and more. We did end up going back to his home. We chatted for a couple hours. I said I needed to get going and he asked me to stay. As much as I wanted to stay, I left. He said he was nervous about me coming to the house and I agreed that I was afraid. That lets me know he is worried to make this step for all the reasons we have discussed before. He is apprehensive and that makes me really sad. This is what lostlove, jmb, Jenny and others were explaining. He is afraid to end up in the same position again. I know this is what his apprehension is about. We both want this so bad, but no matter how much you love someone, it can't work unless there are some changes. I think jmb said this earlier. You all have said this to me in one way or another.

 

I'm counting my lucky stars. I'm thanking god for putting him back in my life. I saw a side of him I haven't seen in a very long time. I saw a lot of pain in his eyes. Pain from losing his children and me. He just wanted to hold on to me and not let go. There is hope and I'm holding on to it very tightly. I think had I brought up more conversation about everything that he is feeling, I do believe he would have opened up a bit. I'm somewhat beating myself up for not using to opportunity to push more conversation. I've got so much work to do. I don't want to fall back into the same routine. I don't want to move in. I don't want to spend every waking moment with him. Everything will be lovely for some time, but reality will settle in soon enough. I just hope we don't settle in so much that we lose sight of the bigger picture.

 

I have so much more I want to say, but will comment more in the morning. Thank you for the well wishes.