Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[boltnrun]

It will be very easy to be seduced by how easy and comfortable things are going now. Easy enough that you may find yourself at his front door with your belongings in a suitcase, moving back in.

 

Just remember, if you allow yourself to be seduced in this way the most likely result will be breakup #3, due to the fact that nothing that caused issues in the relationship has been addressed but rather has been swept under the rug.

 

But I'm sure you know this.

[lostlove76]

Lostlove, I remember your doctor's appointment was today. How did everything go? I hope you are well.

Hi ksol, thanks for asking about my appointment. I guess it went okay. I got my prescription, and that was the goal. I left feeling dissatisfied, though, because I didn't get much in the way of reassurance about health fears. I don't need to be coddled, but I need my questions answered in a reassuring way. My other doctor is really really good with that, but I went to this one because it's closer and a more laid-back atmosphere. I was irritable the rest of the day, but I'm getting over it. There were just a couple of things he didn't explain as thoroughly as I needed; and when I say that, I mean he really didn't explain them at all. He took blood to check my thyroid, so now I'm paranoid that something will be wrong. He didn't explain what could cause out-of-whack thyroid levels, or how much of a possibility it is that mine are off, or how serious it is, or anything at all really. I'm not about to go googling it, because google is a hypochondriac's worst nightmare lol. I was slightly anemic, but he said that all women are during their period. I'm pretty sure he tested these two things because they can cause anxiety and high heart rate (mine has always been high). But whatever. I got my Zoloft, mission accomplished I guess. This is why I avoid going to the doctor.

 

Did you hear from him again tonight? How were you feeling by bedtime?

[Ksol9]

It will be very easy to be seduced by how easy and comfortable things are going now. Easy enough that you may find yourself at his front door with your belongings in a suitcase, moving back in.

 

Just remember, if you allow yourself to be seduced in this way the most likely result will be breakup #3, due to the fact that nothing that caused issues in the relationship has been addressed but rather has been swept under the rug.

 

But I'm sure you know this.

 

I don't know if I'm being naive or if I refuse to see it, but I just don't see it this way. I mean it's obvious that he's just brushing any talk about our relationship problems under the rug and I can see how I could easily fall right back into the relationship without addressing major concerns, but I've done that previously. He has blantently asked me to come home in the past and I would pick up and go. I don't see any of this as he is seducing me in hopes that things will get from one point to another. I also understand that if we don't address any issues, we'll end up in another break up.

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol, thanks for asking about my appointment. I guess it went okay. I got my prescription, and that was the goal. I left feeling dissatisfied, though, because I didn't get much in the way of reassurance about health fears. I don't need to be coddled, but I need my questions answered in a reassuring way. My other doctor is really really good with that, but I went to this one because it's closer and a more laid-back atmosphere. I was irritable the rest of the day, but I'm getting over it. There were just a couple of things he didn't explain as thoroughly as I needed; and when I say that, I mean he really didn't explain them at all. He took blood to check my thyroid, so now I'm paranoid that something will be wrong. He didn't explain what could cause out-of-whack thyroid levels, or how much of a possibility it is that mine are off, or how serious it is, or anything at all really. I'm not about to go googling it, because google is a hypochondriac's worst nightmare lol. I was slightly anemic, but he said that all women are during their period. I'm pretty sure he tested these two things because they can cause anxiety and high heart rate (mine has always been high). But whatever. I got my Zoloft, mission accomplished I guess. This is why I avoid going to the doctor.

 

Did you hear from him again tonight? How were you feeling by bedtime?

 

Hi lovelove. I'm sorry you didn't get as much out of your doctor's visit as you would have liked to. Unfortunately, there are some doctors that sort of "rush" through the visit and you are left feeling a bit uncomfortable as you described here. I'm sorry that happened as I would have felt the same way. I would have expected him to connect the dots a little better and reassure me that this was the best course of action. I hope I'm explaining this ok. I do understand how you must feel. I think maybe if you are called back for a follow up on your blood work, he may be able to explain more. Either way, I'm glad you received your prescription and hopefully this will allow you to feel better. I've never taken any meds like that, but I recall you saying it take a while for it to cycle through your system. I wonder if the doctor was just not as experienced as your regular doctor and that is why he didn't say much? I'm sure it was a little frustrating because we go to the doctor's for answers and reassurance and when that doesn't happen, you are left feeling uncertain.

 

As for him, I did not hear from him at all today. He said his boss was in town yesterday so I figured he would be busy today, but his boss usually only spends one night and then leaves the next day. I don't know that he would still be there. I guess it doesn't really matter either way. I've been feeling really weird about this whole thing. I don't know what is going on with him, but I feel like he doesn't have any intentions of sorting things out with me. I don't know if I'm just not seeing things clearly or if I'm being naive. The chit chat is most likely pointless. I can't even explain why he was asking me what I was doing so many times yesterday. Just weird. Of course I'm thinking all kinds of bad things because I don't know what he is feeling. Somehow I don't believe he is taking this route just to ignore or dodge a conversation about the relationship. To me, he just doesn't want to discuss it because he doesn't want to jump back into the relationship. He has not asked to see me or spend time together since I began talking about sorting things out. That says a lot. I'm even wondering if there is someone else. I think, in future, if he does contact me again, I will most likely ignore it I'm feeling discouraged, disappointed, confused, and I should take the hint that he isn't moving this along for a reason. If he really wanted to get back together, he would just say it. The best thing for me to do not entertain this small talk anymore. I can't continue like this. I've read about people getting stuck in this type of pattern. He should at least say something about what he is feeling so that I'm not left feeling like I'm in a limbo. I'm not angry with him and I'll tell him exactly how I feel if he shows some concern, but I get the feeling he doesn't really care.

[boltnrun]

I don't know if I'm being naive or if I refuse to see it, but I just don't see it this way. I mean it's obvious that he's just brushing any talk about our relationship problems under the rug and I can see how I could easily fall right back into the relationship without addressing major concerns, but I've done that previously. He has blantently asked me to come home in the past and I would pick up and go. I don't see any of this as he is seducing me in hopes that things will get from one point to another. I also understand that if we don't address any issues, we'll end up in another break up.

 

I didn't mean that HE is trying to seduce you in a sexual way, but rather that it would be easy to be seduced by the ease of how you are currently communicating. The temptation could be there to go back because it would feel good initially. But if the issues aren't addressed, I fear it would result in another breakup.

[boltnrun]

Lostlove, I have thyroid disease. All that means is twice yearly blood tests and a tiny pill taken every day. And my energy level varies, but I don't truly feel ill. It really is not difficult for me to deal with.

[Ksol9]

I didn't mean that HE is trying to seduce you in a sexual way, but rather that it would be easy to be seduced by the ease of how you are currently communicating. The temptation could be there to go back because it would feel good initially. But if the issues aren't addressed, I fear it would result in another breakup.

 

Oh ok now I understand. I do agree that it could be easy to go back with the way we are chatting like nothing happened, but I don't believe that is on the table. He doesn't seem to want to pursue reconciliation. I honestly believe he is just keeping the option there, but is not pursuing it because it's just not what he wants right now. I actually think with his traveling quite a bit for work and all the trust issues we had, he doesn't see that this is going to work. He is much smarter than I because the other times we broke up, when he came calling for me to come back, I ran. This time, he's moving cautiously and I think it's because he knows the mountain we'd have to climb. It's too much work for him. I think the trouble of it all is what's behind his apprehension.

 

I couldn't sleep much of the night. I've been up thinking about this a lot. It's not letting me sleep. Him and I are in a much better place than we were 2 months ago. We are communicating and we were able to move past the hurtful words. I think from this point on, if he continues to text, I'm not going to respond. I have a feeling he is going to go back to silence on his own and will not contact me anymore. It will happen sooner or later because he knows he isn't going to work this out with me. This is just going to hurt me more by continuing the chatting when I want to reconcile and he is stahling. I understand his position and while I don't know for sure that is what he is thinking, I believe that to be the case here.

[Ksol9]

Need to get these thoughts out...

Something hit me like a ton of bricks a little while ago. I haven't slept at all. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the day. I've been crying for the past couple hours.

 

I feel like everything came crashing down on me. Everything made sense all of a sudden. I don't believe him and I are headed toward reconciliation and he may not contact me again, but if he does, I have to find the strength to not respond. It's for the best and enevitibly, I believe we will go back into silence again whether it be his decision or mine. I feel like I better be a step ahead. The reason I feel like this is because I was piecing together all the things he said. I believe he was being completely honest. He said he thinks about everything that has gone wrong between us and although he misses me, he's been weighing the pros and cons. Put together all the traveling for work and my trust issues with him, he doesn't feel like it would be a good idea. He's probably confused and that is why I haven't gotten an answer. That is why there has been sporadic contact from him. There have been a number of times he contacted me over this past week just to tell me he misses me and that he thinks about me a lot. He's only human. I knew for a long time he was going through something emotionally after we broke up and the children moved. He probably misses me and at times wants me to know this. Thats why when he contacted me a couple day after the iPad, he asked me to come over. That was done on impulse. Then when he comes to his senses, he thinks rationally, and I don't hear from him. He's not going to turn this around. I'm sure he has thought about it, but that is a major reason why he has not asked to see me. He's conflicted. He is not trying to hurt me. I don't believe he is manipulating the situation or trying to brush anything under the rug just so that we ease back into things. Right now hes brushing everything under the rug because he cant deal with any of it, muchless come to a sure decision. He knows if we begin to see eachother, things will progress and he knows that it will only cause more pain if it doesn't work. I feel like it all makes sense now. Im actually pretty sure this is what is going on here. There is nothing to confirm this, but in a moment of clarity, I feel almost certain this is what's happening between us.

 

This is going to be a horrible day. I'm going to get up to get ready for work early. Then I have my appointment with my therapist at 12. I haven't slept a wink. I don't know how I'm going to pull myself out of this one. I don't want to go to counseling. I want to bury myself in my room and just cry all day.

[lostlove76]

Lostlove, I have thyroid disease. All that means is twice yearly blood tests and a tiny pill taken every day. And my energy level varies, but I don't truly feel ill. It really is not difficult for me to deal with.

 

This is soothing, thank you bolt! I've known others who have thyroid problems as well, and it never seems to be a huge deal, but of course my mind runs straight to all the worst possible places. I've never really had any health issues, so it scares me to think of having any. But maybe it's not something terrible.

 

One good thing is that my blood pressure is fine, which is shocking considering my lifestyle and stress levels.

[lostlove76]

Ksol, I'm sorry you're still feeling bad and having a hard time. I have to say that this is just yet another instance of him exhibiting poor communication skills. He's leaving you in the dark about his intentions, and that's really not fair. Men are like this, from everything I've read and experienced, so I wouldn't call it unusual. But they shouldn't get a free pass on it just because they're men. It's a problem when we have no idea what they're thinking. I'm so glad your therapy appt is today. Let us know what he said when you get a chance. I'm interested to know how he thinks you should proceed.

[Ksol9]

Ksol, I'm sorry you're still feeling bad and having a hard time. I have to say that this is just yet another instance of him exhibiting poor communication skills. He's leaving you in the dark about his intentions, and that's really not fair. Men are like this, from everything I've read and experienced, so I wouldn't call it unusual. But they shouldn't get a free pass on it just because they're men. It's a problem when we have no idea what they're thinking. I'm so glad your therapy appt is today. Let us know what he said when you get a chance. I'm interested to know how he thinks you should proceed.

 

Thank you lostlove. I'm just having the worst day ever. I woke up around 2:30 in the morning and from that time on, I have been awake. I had a complete breakdown around 5am. I'm feeling so terrible. I feel like I've come to some sort of realization. I'm glad I went to see my therapist because he put things into perspective for me. Although it didn't help the pain I'm feeling at all.

 

One of the first things he told me after explaining everything that has been going on...he said exactly what you told me. My therapist said he is certain he doesn't know how to respond. He doesn't know where to begin or how express his feelings. And you are absolutely right..men don't deserve a free pass just because they're men.

 

As far as how to proceed, I expressed that I feel he is only making small talk just to keep me as an option. That I believed reconciliation wasn't even on the table. That goes to explain why he ignored my messages and why he hasn't asked to spend any time with me. I told my therapist that I felt strongly about not responding if he sends me another text. It might be too soon to say, but he might not even contact again. My therapist went through different scenarios with me and how I should respond. Basically, he suggested that I implement some boundaries by showing I am no longer interested in small talk unless it's about his feelings and where he is with this whole thing. I don't have to be mean or rude. He doesn't owe me a long detailed explanation, but if he wants to get anywhere with me, he can't leave me in the dark about his intentions as you said. Any small talk..what are you doing or where are you....I don't think I should respond.

 

I know many don't agree with me looking at his facebook, but this entire week that we've been in communication, I have seen a change in his social media activity. He is on just as much, but doesn't like, comment, or add any women like he was doing previously, with the exception of that one that added him recently. Today, I saw him write a comment under a photo of a woman asking..who are you coming with?? Other friends were asking her when she was coming to Tampa. She's a tattoo artist and they were asking to see her, she responded saying she was flying in today. His comment went unanswered, but my point is that he is interested in other women. That comment was to see if he could get together with her if she was coming alone. He's playing the field and I can bet I am going to see alot more things like this from now on. I think he had his mind made up about me long ago. I don't think I'm speculating and if I am going too far with my thinking, please let me know. I just feel he doesn't want the relationship period.

 

Of course there is still doubt in my mind about all the conclusions I am coming up with. That is what's going on here right? It's not just speculation and assumptions right? I just don't feel comfortable going along with sporadic small talk while he is playing the field. I'm no fool and I'm not an option. Someone who is serious about me wouldn't do these things. If he is confused or if he doesn't want the relationship right now..that is ok. It truly is, I wish him the best. I would never want to keep him without it being something he wants. I said what I wanted out of this and I made it clear. When he is ready to talk about that then we can talk, but until that time, I think it's best that we don't speak. I think I've done a good job of reassuring him that I want to be with him and only him. What has he given me? If he really wants to talk to me and is met with me putting up my self respecting boundaries then he can feel what I've been feeling for the past week. He'll most likely not give a care. I don't care if he doesn't know how to communicate or what to do about this situation..if he was interested at all, I wouldn't get a text every couple days asking where I am and what I was doing.

 

I'm so broken and in a lot of pain. I feel this is no longer a possible reconciliation, but is a new chapter in my process of moving on.

[Ksol9]

As soon as I posted my last post, I got another text from him. "Hi."

 

I immediately started to question what I should do. I'm in tears because I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by ignoring him. What if he will eventually speak his mind since I've been keeping my cool? What if ignoring him makes him things worse? I don't want to play games. I'm so confused about what I should do.

[boltnrun]

Wow, he's really gone to Lazy Land.

 

"Hi"??? Really?

 

That would make me angry. I would think, after all we've been through you expect me to leap when you text "Hi"??!! Come on.

 

I would expect more effort.

[Ksol9]

Wow, he's really gone to Lazy Land.

 

"Hi"??? Really?

 

That would make me angry. I would think, after all we've been through you expect me to leap when you text "Hi"??!! Come on.

 

I would expect more effort.

 

Thank you. I haven't responded and I agree...by now, if he wants to work this out, he will have to make an effort. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid. I'm very scared that I'm not making the right decision by ignoring that text, but I will take my chances. He's not an idiot. He knows what I want and if he doesn't intend to do the right thing, then I will have to wish him well. I'm learning to be a stronger person and a woman who respects herself. Thank you again.

[boltnrun]

Good for you.

 

If he thinks you're going to just jump back in like before, well...he's wrong (correct??).

 

He can't expect that you're just going to sweep everything under the rug and pretend everything's wonderful in Happy Land. Or that you two can have casual conversations as "friends". Nope, way too much history there.

 

Maybe before, all he had to do is say "come home" and you'd rush over with your suitcase in hand. Not this time. Both of you have work to do. You're doing your part...he needs to do his.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I'm so sorry you're feeling all this confusion I want to reply, but I'm reading this at work and will have more time to give a thorough response tonight from home. Hang tight and try not to let anxiety overtake you about the text. Hopefully it will make him realize that he needs to quit being lazy, as bolt put it. He needs to be more forthcoming and put in more effort. Let us know if anything changes, otherwise I'll write something as soon as I can. Hugs

[Ksol9]

Good for you.

 

If he thinks you're going to just jump back in like before, well...he's wrong (correct??).

 

He can't expect that you're just going to sweep everything under the rug and pretend everything's wonderful in Happy Land. Or that you two can have casual conversations as "friends". Nope, way too much history there.

 

Maybe before, all he had to do is say "come home" and you'd rush over with your suitcase in hand. Not this time. Both of you have work to do. You're doing your part...he needs to do his.

 

Thank you bolt. I want to be with him, but I don't want to jump back in and I want him to communicate where he stands. Things are not pretty and happy especially when I don't know what his intentions are.

 

Hi ksol. I'm so sorry you're feeling all this confusion I want to reply, but I'm reading this at work and will have more time to give a thorough response tonight from home. Hang tight and try not to let anxiety overtake you about the text. Hopefully it will make him realize that he needs to quit being lazy, as bolt put it. He needs to be more forthcoming and put in more effort. Let us know if anything changes, otherwise I'll write something as soon as I can. Hugs

 

Hi lostlove, thank you for writing. This is so confusing and I don't know if I am making the right decision to ignore him. I was so hurt just to see that text. I would never want him to experience the pain and uncertainty that I am feeling, but maybe it's necessary at this point. I don't know if I'll hear from him again after ignoring him. I don't understand why he would continue all this small talk with no motive. I'm second guessing myself..maybe he would have eventually opened up. I just hope I made the right decision. I love him very much and we spent the past 2.5 months in silence. I don't want to go back to that, but then I think if he has no intention of sorting things out with me, it will hurt more if I put myself in a position for him to disrespect me. I have no business chit chatting with him, waiting for him to address something while he is playing the field. What if I rushed this? What if I should have been more patient and played it cool? I don't even know what to do if he sends another text...do I continue to ignore? He's going to think I don't want anything to do with him and we will end up where we were 2 weeks ago. I just got back into communication with him and we are in a good place..the only problem is that he hasn't opened up to me. I'm so confused. I need to get some sleep, but the only thing I'm doing is crying.

 

Hope you have a good shift and I hope that you are feeling ok today. We will chat later.

[boltnrun]

I would tell him what you're thinking except I'd leave out any of the "I love you and miss you and want us back together" talk.

 

I would say that chit chatting as casual friends isn't what I'm looking for. I would say that even if it's uncomfortable, we need to address the elephant in the room. And that you're open to meeting up (NOT at his house!) to discuss possibilities, whether it's a future together or not. And I'd leave it at that.

 

Don't assure him that it won't be a heavy, emotional conversation, don't apologize for wanting answers. Don't discuss anything deep over text. Just suggest meeting up to talk and see where you both stand.

 

He'll either agree to meet or he won't. But if he refuses, that's an answer right there.

 

And even though sending him this will be nerve-wracking, remember the end goal is to get you out of the limbo you're stuck in. Nothing is worse than being unsure.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I'm home, but my parents are bringing food in a few minutes so I'll need to eat dinner. I haven't read the latest posts yet, but just wanted to write a little something real quick because I know you're having a hard time. Then I'll be back when I can write more. I just wanted to say that he probably hasn't asked to get together because you didn't go the time he did ask. Perfectly fine that you didn't rush over there! But in his mind, perhaps he's not wanting to push things, or receive another no about seeing each other. With the frequency of communication.... it seems he's sticking to the every other day pattern. Mine did the exact same thing, like clockwork. For some reason he needed a day between, and/or thought that I did. I think yours is giving a day between so as not to rush things. I think it's purposeful, and not because he doesn't want to talk more. He's just trying to maintain a slow and steady pace, probably because he thinks that's what you want. I wouldn't be too concerned about the "hi" or "what are you doing." Mine always did the same thing. It's simply a way to get the conversation started. It's funny he starts with those two things, because mine ALWAYS did that. He always asked "what are you doing." It's just a conversation starter. He's texting because he misses you.

 

I'm not sure exactly what you said in your email. If you want to give a quick rundown (sorry if I can't recall from before), then I can get a better idea of how it may have been perceived by him. I do know that you're always very careful and guarded with your words to him. But I'll just wait and see what all you said before guessing. Maybe your intentions weren't as clear as you thought? There are words, and there is also tone. So maybe your tone indicated that you didn't want to rush this thing.

 

I know you're upset, but I really think things are probably going to be okay. He wouldn't be texting if he didn't want to some how, some way, get back in a relationship. He doesn't strike me as the type to keep you as an option.

 

Having said all that, I would feel fed up at his comment to that girl. Seriously, not cool. But we know that he turns to others with comments when he's feeling unsure or perhaps insecure. So don't get too upset about it just yet. The other changes in his social media activity are all very good things.

 

I'll be back as soon as I can. Things will be okay! I would be as upset as you are, because that's just how you and I are. But from the outside, things look okay. There are just some kinks to be worked out with communication.

[Ksol9]

I would tell him what you're thinking except I'd leave out any of the "I love you and miss you and want us back together" talk.

 

I would say that chit chatting as casual friends isn't what I'm looking for. I would say that even if it's uncomfortable, we need to address the elephant in the room. And that you're open to meeting up (NOT at his house!) to discuss possibilities, whether it's a future together or not. And I'd leave it at that.

 

Don't assure him that it won't be a heavy, emotional conversation, don't apologize for wanting answers. Don't discuss anything deep over text. Just suggest meeting up to talk and see where you both stand.

 

He'll either agree to meet or he won't. But if he refuses, that's an answer right there.

 

And even though sending him this will be nerve-wracking, remember the end goal is to get you out of the limbo you're stuck in. Nothing is worse than being unsure.

 

Thank you bolt. I think this is something I would like tell him if he contacts again. This is pretty much what we discussed in therapy today. And you are most certainly right that the goal is to get out of this limbo.

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. I'm home, but my parents are bringing food in a few minutes so I'll need to eat dinner. I haven't read the latest posts yet, but just wanted to write a little something real quick because I know you're having a hard time. Then I'll be back when I can write more. I just wanted to say that he probably hasn't asked to get together because you didn't go the time he did ask. Perfectly fine that you didn't rush over there! But in his mind, perhaps he's not wanting to push things, or receive another no about seeing each other. With the frequency of communication.... it seems he's sticking to the every other day pattern. Mine did the exact same thing, like clockwork. For some reason he needed a day between, and/or thought that I did. I think yours is giving a day between so as not to rush things. I think it's purposeful, and not because he doesn't want to talk more. He's just trying to maintain a slow and steady pace, probably because he thinks that's what you want. I wouldn't be too concerned about the "hi" or "what are you doing." Mine always did the same thing. It's simply a way to get the conversation started. It's funny he starts with those two things, because mine ALWAYS did that. He always asked "what are you doing." It's just a conversation starter. He's texting because he misses you.

 

I'm not sure exactly what you said in your email. If you want to give a quick rundown (sorry if I can't recall from before), then I can get a better idea of how it may have been perceived by him. I do know that you're always very careful and guarded with your words to him. But I'll just wait and see what all you said before guessing. Maybe your intentions weren't as clear as you thought? There are words, and there is also tone. So maybe your tone indicated that you didn't want to rush this thing.

 

I know you're upset, but I really think things are probably going to be okay. He wouldn't be texting if he didn't want to some how, some way, get back in a relationship. He doesn't strike me as the type to keep you as an option.

 

Having said all that, I would feel fed up at his comment to that girl. Seriously, not cool. But we know that he turns to others with comments when he's feeling unsure or perhaps insecure. So don't get too upset about it just yet. The other changes in his social media activity are all very good things.

 

I'll be back as soon as I can. Things will be okay! I would be as upset as you are, because that's just how you and I are. But from the outside, things look okay. There are just some kinks to be worked out with communication.

 

Hey lostlove, thank you for this. Talking things through and hearing your responses are soothing my anxieties. I'm really thankful to you and bolt for helping me today.

 

Everything you said above is what I am thinking on the other side of all of the extreme negatives that I have been assuming. Last night I felt like I came to this huge realization when in reality, I still don't have any input from him to confirm. Maybe he has developed a pattern and texting every couple of days is his way of not pushing things. I believe he is out of town today. He sent me a text at 5:00 on the dot. That must have been when they finished up work. I am not sure if he came back today. I keep thinking the reason why he hasn't asked to see me since is because he knows he doesn't want to make any commitments. It's funny that you experienced the exact same thing. I do agree that this is how he starts conversation, but the amount of times we have had small talk that ended without any real substance, it was becoming hard for me keep my emotions under control. In your situation, did he eventually open up and talk about important matters or did he chit chat and avoid? I'm in so much pain.

 

I don't know if I did the right thing ignoring that text today. It was the right thing for right now. I have had little to no sleep and I am emotionally drained. As bolt said, the end goal is to get out of this limbo. I am on the fence about it because I hope it doesn't make matters worse. If he contacts again, I'll being straightforward with him as suggested by bolt...my therapist suggested the same. I don't even know if he will try again after I ignored him today.

I'd like to post the email, so maybe you will be able to point out how he may have perceived it. I'll post it below. This is all so confusing to me, but I do think you are making alot of sense. As you said, from the outside, you feel that everything is going to be, but from my point of view, I am extremely skeptical about his apprehension. I don't trust that he has good intentions. I think I didn't ask for a specific answer so I do believe he just doesn't know what to say. Still it's no excuse for keeping me in the dark because I am beginning to feel that he is just taking me for a ride.

 

 

I understand you are frustrated and hurt by things I've said. I'm genuinely sorry. I forgive you for anything you've ever done to hurt me, intentional or not. I hope you'll be able to forgive me for anything I've done to hurt you. My frustration and anger with you was because there was no communication. I've had alot of time to think everything through and I realized alot of the problems we've had over these 2 years were trivial and pointless issues that I created. I'm hardheaded, prideful, and stubborn. We've both made mistakes and like I said, it was cause and effect. I was expecting you to be there for me, to listen to me when I was constantly pushing you away..until you couldn't take it anymore. Nothing gets resolved like that. In hindsight, I learned alot and as I said before I'm proactively working on myself.

 

I want you to do your thing..focus on your career and your children and I want to do my thing and focus on the things I want to accomplish. I want us to build a strong relationship and I think we will have a good thing going. I want to put the past in the past and take this one day at a time. We don't have to rush anything.

 

You have to do what is best for YOU. Do what brings you the most happiness and peace. I wouldn't be here saying this to you if I didn't believe in you and in us. You and I have to change the way we interact with eachother in order for there to be better communication. I respect whatever decision you make and I respect your feelings. If this is something you don't want, that's ok. I can't force anything, but just know that I want to try.

 

Take your time and think things through.

 

 

Enjoy your dinner lostlove and thank you again for being there for me.

[lostlove76]

I would tell him what you're thinking except I'd leave out any of the "I love you and miss you and want us back together" talk.

 

I would say that chit chatting as casual friends isn't what I'm looking for. I would say that even if it's uncomfortable, we need to address the elephant in the room. And that you're open to meeting up (NOT at his house!) to discuss possibilities, whether it's a future together or not. And I'd leave it at that.

 

Don't assure him that it won't be a heavy, emotional conversation, don't apologize for wanting answers. Don't discuss anything deep over text. Just suggest meeting up to talk and see where you both stand.

 

He'll either agree to meet or he won't. But if he refuses, that's an answer right there.

 

And even though sending him this will be nerve-wracking, remember the end goal is to get you out of the limbo you're stuck in. Nothing is worse than being unsure.

 

I'm back and catching up. Just want to pause before reading on and say that this sounds like good advice. Reading this, and your post before this, I was thinking back to the time period after the first time me and mine broke up and started talking again after he ignored me for the two months. I was so happy to talk to him again, and be with him occasionally, that I "played it cool" for MONTHS, not wanting to upset anything or scare him off. He took advantage of that, and I later went through his phone and saw what he was doing with other girls. Not saying yours will do things with other girls, but he may keep dilly-dallying along, letting things remain undefined, until you set boundaries. It was only after I got pissed off and walked away, and then stated very clearly and firmly what I wanted and expected after he came back, that he became exclusive and called more and upped the commitment and all of that. Your situation isn't exactly the same, but I do think that we need to set boundaries, and maybe not be so afraid of scaring them off. We have needs too! This small talk is making you feel upset. So letting it drag on and playing it cool is probably not the thing to do. He may come around on his own in a week with you doing that, or he may not. It may take months. We just don't know. So if it isn't working for you - and it isn't, because you're crying and having anxiety - then something needs to change.

[lostlove76]

In your situation, did he eventually open up and talk about important matters or did he chit chat and avoid?

Still reading, pausing to answer this. He never addressed the situation until I made him. I gave a short summary in my last post about how things went after the first time we broke up and semi- got back together, and then cut contact and got back together for real after I went through his phone. We never talked about relationship stuff until that happened (until we got back together after I walked away after going through his phone - I hope the timeline isn't confusing). At that point I was just like, screw it, I'm going to stand up for myself and remain firm, and we need to talk about this. He agreed to talk, I went over and he whined for half a second about not wanting to talk, I said no we're going to talk, and we did! I was always so scared to address anything before that. But during that convo, and ever since then, I said what I needed to say and he talked about it with me. Often for hours, we would talk, while I told him everything bothering me and he would listen and say he was sorry and that he understood. And during some of that, he would open up as well, though not nearly as much as I did. I was just happy that he listened. And I could tell that he really did understand. It didn't make things perfect because he had all the commitment and other issues, but that's a different story.

 

I think the more they have the difficult conversations, the easier it becomes. At first they're scared of it. But then they see the world doesn't end (as long as you handle the convos in a good way), and the next time isn't so scary. I hope that makes sense. You don't need to feel at all like you have to walk on eggshells, but you do need to make it feel safe to have a convo. If he sees that it can be calm, without anything underhanded (name-calling, using weaknesses against him, passive-aggressiveness, saying deeply hurtful things, whatever, those are just examples). If he sees that it can make things better and not worse. Then he'll be more open to it the next time.

[lostlove76]

I understand you are frustrated and hurt by things I've said. I'm genuinely sorry. I forgive you for anything you've ever done to hurt me, intentional or not. I hope you'll be able to forgive me for anything I've done to hurt you. My frustration and anger with you was because there was no communication. I've had alot of time to think everything through and I realized alot of the problems we've had over these 2 years were trivial and pointless issues that I created. I'm hardheaded, prideful, and stubborn. We've both made mistakes and like I said, it was cause and effect. I was expecting you to be there for me, to listen to me when I was constantly pushing you away..until you couldn't take it anymore. Nothing gets resolved like that. In hindsight, I learned alot and as I said before I'm proactively working on myself.

 

I want you to do your thing..focus on your career and your children and I want to do my thing and focus on the things I want to accomplish. I want us to build a strong relationship and I think we will have a good thing going. I want to put the past in the past and take this one day at a time. We don't have to rush anything.

 

You have to do what is best for YOU. Do what brings you the most happiness and peace. I wouldn't be here saying this to you if I didn't believe in you and in us. You and I have to change the way we interact with eachother in order for there to be better communication. I respect whatever decision you make and I respect your feelings. If this is something you don't want, that's ok. I can't force anything, but just know that I want to try.

 

Take your time and think things through.

 

Okay, thank you for posting this!! It gives me a much better idea of things. Soooo....

 

First off, it's a beautiful email. You were open and honest, vulnerable yet strong. I see nothing at all wrong with it; it's perfect.

 

If I were to receive such an email, I would know what to do. I would take the reins and reply and a conversation would be had. But he doesn't know what to do with it, because he's a man, and a poor communicator at that. You didn't ask any direct questions, so he's not replying to any. You said you want to put the past in the past. You said you want to take it one day at a time and not rush anything. You said you want him to do his own thing and you yours. You said you want to change the way you interact with each other - to him, maybe he thinks that's what y'all are doing. You're not fighting, you're taking it slow, he's giving you space to do what you need to do, and he's doing what he needs to do (working and such). I really think, ksol, that he's just doing what he thinks you want, and/or doesn't know how to address the serious issues. There was nothing wrong with your email, and like I said, someone like myself would know what to do if I received similar. But guys are emotionally stupid. They don't know how to do these things. He asked you over the one time, and you didn't go, so he thinks it's too soon to ask again.

 

If he didn't want something with you, he wouldn't continue texting. He may not "get" how he's supposed to respond or proceed, but he does know that you want something with him. He's not cruel enough to lead you on. I really don't believe he would do that. So if he didn't want this, he would have said so, or he would have disappeared. Instead, he's taking things at a slow and steady pace, keeping things on a feel-good level ("leaving the past in the past," "changing the way you interact" by not fighting or being hurtful). Giving a day space in between so as not to push or rush things. He's doing all the initiating of texts at this point, which is really good.

 

Everything seems fine on his end!! I think you're going to have to be more direct about needing to have the conversation, because at this point, I can't see that he understands that you need or want this.

 

After reading the email and thinking this through, I'm not sure it's a good idea to leave the "hi" ignored. He won't know what's wrong. He'll think things were going along okay, and then you withdrew, and he won't know why. I think you probably need to be honest about what you're feeling, in a kind and calm and no-pressure and not-overly-emotional way. And non-accusatory, left that one out. Are you still awake? Is it too late to reply tonight? If you're asleep, I would do it tomorrow. I wouldn't let too much time pass. I hope I'm giving you the right advice Bolt, what is your opinion, after having read the email?

[boltnrun]

Honestly? My reaction is anger.

 

You poured your heart out in a very reasonable way and he comes back later with "hi"???!!!

 

I know the "hi" wasn't in response to your email, but come on...this is what he comes up with? "Hi" and "where are you"?

 

I'd ask him one more time the way I suggested earlier. If he comes back with "hi", well, I'd be done.

 

Hopefully he does better than that.