Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[lostlove76]

Just wanted to say hi to lostlove. If you happen to read this, please know I am thinking of you and I hope that you are doing well. I hope your days are filled with peace and smiles my friend. If you are up for writing, stop in to let us know how you're doing.

 

Hi ksol I've been reading along! I'm sorry that I haven't been saying anything. I'm feeling just very closed off for some reason, no energy to talk to anyone. I'm sure it's the depression and anxiety, and also just part of my introvertedness. I get in these moods sometimes even when nothing is wrong. Nothing is horribly wrong now, but each day I feel like I'm just doing what I can to manage this nervousness that I've been feeling ever since I had that major panic attack. It's especially bad on the days I have to go to work. Once you have a panic attack, you live in fear for awhile that you'll have another, which is what creates the constant nervousness. I'm just holding out til my doctor's appt Tues and hoping to gosh that the Zoloft will clear all this up within a few weeks. I wouldn't be in this bad of a spot if I had gone through what I went through while with him, and then even more so, how I've been feeling since we last talked. There was so much anxiety and depression over all of that that it's made everything else in life harder to deal with. It really did me in. I hope in the future that I won't hang on to a guy who makes me feel so worried; or rather, I hope I won't get attached enough in the first place to be so unable to let it go. He was extremely toxic, and the whole thing has temporarily destroyed my life. I'm still thinking about him every day, still imagining him treating her so much better than he did me. I hate him for that. At this point in time, I wish he would try to call some day so that I could ignore, as a final "eff you." It would just make me feel better. He doesn't care at all how much he hurt me. He wouldn't care if I explained it to him, so ignoring would be the most effective course of action. But he'll never reach out again, and I'll never get that illusion of closure. I'm sure they'll get married and live happily ever after, while I struggle to rebuild myself for the next half a year.

 

FWIW, I believe yours is going to take some time to think about it and then he'll cautiously reach out and eventually things will get back on track. It's clear that he still cares. It's good that you got some information out of him about where his head is at. I agree with all the posts above, that something needed to happen, and that whatever happens from here, you're in a much better place now. I'm proud of you for letting your defenses down and taking the risk. Being vulnerable is scary, but we never get anywhere if we keep the wall up. Even if you don't get the response that you want to hear, you'll know that you tried from an honest and kind place. I think that will help you in moving on, if it comes to that. But I do think that he'll let you back in at some point. I know the waiting is hard. In some strange way, if it were me, I think I would feel better knowing that he was hurt by my actions and that this is what has been holding him back. 1) If he didn't care, he wouldn't feel hurt. You now know that you DO matter. And 2) You now know how your actions affected things, and you'll know what to do differently. You already knew, but he confirmed it. This, to me, is all preferable to him just dropping you through no fault of your own. I'm not sure if I'm making sense. I just know that this is how I would feel if it were me. When someone just decides to be done with you because they would rather have freedom, that's a hard thing to cope with. Part of you has felt along the way that that's what happened. I think we now have confirmation that that wasn't the case. It wasn't because he just decided on a whim that he'd rather carry on without you. He seems genuinely concerned about the issues you two were having. That can be worked on and fixed, if both of you are willing.

 

I'm sure you'll let us know if and when you get a reply. Keep writing if it helps. I'm still reading!!! I check often throughout the day to see if you've written. Thank you for saying hi and asking about me. We'll chat again soon

 

To Unchained, I'm sorry that you're having a hard time as well. Sending hugs your way.

[Ksol9]

Good morning everyone.

 

He sent a text last night. We exchanged a few texts messages before going to bed..irrelevant to my email. I want to respond to unchained and lostlove before I talk about it.

[Ksol9]

Well I have to say I entered into a volatile relationship that ended badly. It go so bad I had to change my cell phone number of 20 years and basically go into hiding for a while. It has been a tough battle, but I caught on to his bad behavior soon, nipped it in the butt, and got out. Unfortunately, he wasn't willing to let go of me that easily. But I am coping I will admit, and doing much better. Thank you for your concern, I definitely appreciate it, as it has been difficult for me to deal with all of it.

 

I'm sorry sorry you had the experience this, but the most important thing is that you caught on soon and was able to cut him off and out of your life. That shows strength. Either way I can imagine it was difficult to deal with. When you meet someone, you have holes and dreams and when things don't go smoothly it's hard to deal. You are a very strong woman, so you will overcome this as well.

 

I am glad you decided to stay in town and lounge a bit and take some time for yourself. Sleep is so important, and I know what the lack of it can do. I know a huge weight has been lifted, and I think it's what you needed. You needed something to happen, you just did. Whether or not this has a good or bad outcome you needed some movement like you said. Staying the state you were in, checking his Facebook, second guessing yourself, imagining what he may or may not have been thinking by his posts was utter madness, and I think you know that now. You were driving yourself nuts.

 

Sometimes we need a person to tell us that we are doing the right thing, even if it just an online stranger. I wanted to chime in because I know you are mulling around about this email now, and I think you just needed to hear that you did the right thing, which I really think you did. Your therapist is a wise man, I hope you continue with him for as long as you can.

 

This is spot on. You're correct that I just needed some sort of movement. I felt like I was brewing in craziness. I couldn't get myself out of what I was feeling until I took the leap to contact him and I'm glad I did. I'm definitely taking advantage and getting as much sleep as I can. It really is so very important.

 

As I said before, I really appreciate the support. I don't know why I doubt myself so much. Maybe it's lack of self confidence it's something I'm working on. I'm just really thankful to have you and everyone else here to support me. I need the validation as I go. As for my therapist, I think he is doing an excellent job. Now that all of the work I've done is being put to the test, I can actually feel the progress I've made. I am doing things much differently now..especially with him. I would have never handled things this way before. I would close my eyes and just run back over there. This time, I'm making very calculated steps. I still have a long way to go and a lot of growing and changing to do, but I can feel deep within that I've made a good changes thus far. I'm very aware and that is a game changer.

 

Whatever happens with this email, you tried Ksol. You gave it your all. There is nothing more you can do. If he reads it and doesn't reach out within the next few days I would just say it and send him a text to see if he received the email. I would go that far. No more beating around the bush and small talk. It's time to get real. You have tormented yourself for way too long and there is no turning back now. He will give you your closure whether he likes it or not, because you are doing this for YOU now, and on YOUR terms which is something I think you have never allowed yourself to have. The power. The victor in the relationship, which at this point I think you are, (not that it is a competition), but I believe you have the upper hand here, and I think you should use it. You need your closure Ksol, so you can either move on or finally get the relationship you have always wanted.

 

Thank you for this because this is what I hope for. This was the purpose behind breaking no contact. I felt like I couldn't take it anymore. I was in agony. Of course reconciliation was a the forefront, but I fully understood that if that wasn't on the table then I'd be able to see that for sure. I'd get definite answers either way and this would help me to move forward. I also agree that I have the upper hand here and not that it is a power struggle or competition, but did so long I felt powerless, helpless inside and out of the relationship. I've taken charge here for what I want. He will give me closure one way of the other. There is a very empowering feeling behind that. I'm actually standing up for myself, the right way, and that is a great feeling. It's up to me to continue to make good decisions. I understand that at any moment I let go of my self respect, I will go straight down the same path I was on before. I don't want to go back there.

 

Thank you for you love and support unchained. This forum has been a very safe place for me and the support I receive from you and others alike is priceless. I truly hope I am able to return the support you have given me because I understand we each are battling something. We each have a tough road to walk. I hope that you find the strength to overcome this bad relationship you were able to get out of. Keep fighting. Everything is going to be ok.

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol I've been reading along! I'm sorry that I haven't been saying anything. I'm feeling just very closed off for some reason, no energy to talk to anyone. I'm sure it's the depression and anxiety, and also just part of my introvertedness. I get in these moods sometimes even when nothing is wrong. Nothing is horribly wrong now, but each day I feel like I'm just doing what I can to manage this nervousness that I've been feeling ever since I had that major panic attack. It's especially bad on the days I have to go to work. Once you have a panic attack, you live in fear for awhile that you'll have another, which is what creates the constant nervousness. I'm just holding out til my doctor's appt Tues and hoping to gosh that the Zoloft will clear all this up within a few weeks. I wouldn't be in this bad of a spot if I had gone through what I went through while with him, and then even more so, how I've been feeling since we last talked. There was so much anxiety and depression over all of that that it's made everything else in life harder to deal with. It really did me in. I hope in the future that I won't hang on to a guy who makes me feel so worried; or rather, I hope I won't get attached enough in the first place to be so unable to let it go. He was extremely toxic, and the whole thing has temporarily destroyed my life. I'm still thinking about him every day, still imagining him treating her so much better than he did me. I hate him for that. At this point in time, I wish he would try to call some day so that I could ignore, as a final "eff you." It would just make me feel better. He doesn't care at all how much he hurt me. He wouldn't care if I explained it to him, so ignoring would be the most effective course of action. But he'll never reach out again, and I'll never get that illusion of closure. I'm sure they'll get married and live happily ever after, while I struggle to rebuild myself for the next half a year.

 

Hi there! So happy to hear from you. I'm sorry you don't have the energy to chat these days. I completely understand. I have found myself in that place a time or two and I know nothing will help. It's just a matter of taking care of yourself and giving yourself space and time. I think you are doing the right thing by retracting so that you don't become overwhelmed by any other factors. I think it's worth noting that this is part of the progress you've made recently. You have learned how to manage this stufff. You don't allow anything you are going through to get you to the point where you are on your knees and can't help yourself. You are placing boundaries until you are able to feel better. I hope I explained what I'm trying to say. Sometimes I feel like I don't make sense. At least Tuesday is not too far away. I have a feeling the medication will help tremendously. It won't magically fix everything, but it is an added tool to help you. The rest has to come from within you and I have no doubt in my mind that you are on a good path.

 

As for him, you have a lot of anger for him. Anger is good and bad, but I think you hold on to the anger for some reason. I can't figure out exactly why yet. In my situation, if I wasn't willing to put the anger aside or let it die, I wouldn't have Ben able to reach out. I think the anger is a source of strength for you. I've asked you many times throughout the months if you'd ever consider reaching out and you've held very solid to the answer. You would never because of the way he hurt you. You're not wrong for this, but I still feel that you do not know the real reasons behind him giving up. Look at what happened with me. I had the same conclusions you have. He doesn't care about me. He never did. When those things were not the case. It is you who explained to me and helped me understand that men process things differently and we as human all process things differently. I've always been willing to bet it wasn't that he didn't care. It was because he had no choice and whatever pain he experience from you ting him out of his life was dealt with by moving on. He jumped from relationship to relationship for many months. He has now found himself in what seems to be a bit more stable relationship. Remember what you told me on so many occasions when I would be trying to analyze his Facebook posts. We do not know what is going on in their lives or if they have a stable relationship. I'm not trying to instill hope or anything like that. I just want you to understand that all relationships take their own course. We don't know that they'll get married or live happily ever after. I think that those thoughts hurt you even more. They bring about even more anger. We really don't know what is going on with them and I hope that you be able to get to a place of peace or indifference. Anger is a horrible thing to carry. I still feel like my anger and resentment is buried somewhere momentarily for my guy. It will rear its head later on and at that point I hope I'm armed to deal with it. I want the same for you. You helped me to be realistic about him and that helped tremendously. I hope I'm able to do the same for you. We don't know what the future holds. We don't know that you'll never hear from him again. The only things we know and can control is ourselves. Peace and happiness have become my goal. Any decision I make should bring me closer to that. I hope the same for you. I hope that whatever step you make brings you closer to peace and happiness.

 

FWIW, I believe yours is going to take some time to think about it and then he'll cautiously reach out and eventually things will get back on track. It's clear that he still cares. It's good that you got some information out of him about where his head is at. I agree with all the posts above, that something needed to happen, and that whatever happens from here, you're in a much better place now. I'm proud of you for letting your defenses down and taking the risk. Being vulnerable is scary, but we never get anywhere if we keep the wall up. Even if you don't get the response that you want to hear, you'll know that you tried from an honest and kind place. I think that will help you in moving on, if it comes to that. But I do think that he'll let you back in at some point. I know the waiting is hard. In some strange way, if it were me, I think I would feel better knowing that he was hurt by my actions and that this is what has been holding him back. 1) If he didn't care, he wouldn't feel hurt. You now know that you DO matter. And 2) You now know how your actions affected things, and you'll know what to do differently. You already knew, but he confirmed it. This, to me, is all preferable to him just dropping you through no fault of your own. I'm not sure if I'm making sense. I just know that this is how I would feel if it were me. When someone just decides to be done with you because they would rather have freedom, that's a hard thing to cope with. Part of you has felt along the way that that's what happened. I think we now have confirmation that that wasn't the case. It wasn't because he just decided on a whim that he'd rather carry on without you. He seems genuinely concerned about the issues you two were having. That can be worked on and fixed, if both of you are willing.

 

Thank you for this because as I was telling unchained, I need to hear thoughts and opinions of others. That validation helps me as I value and trust your opinion. You guys are so invested and know every detail of my story. I just want to thank you for always being there for me. I want to post this and tell you about what happened last night when I heard from him.

[Ksol9]

I received a text from him around 10pm. I immediately thought...oh he better not ask me to come over. Turns out he just wanted to chat. He says, hi Wyd?? I respond a little while later saying I was just relaxing..how are you? He responds saying he is doing the same and is at home. He then went on to tell me about a restaraunt he went to and how he enjoyed the food. I joked about how I'm such a slender small person, but my love for food is big. He said lol yeah I know. He sent an emoji, I didn't respond. I was growing concerned. Then over an hour later, as I was drifting off to sleep, I get another text. He says..I just wanted you to know that I think about you a lot. Goodnight. I replied saying..thank you, I do too. Sweet dreams.

 

The reason for my concern is that i have a feeling he isn't going to address all the important matters I've been trying to talk about. Why does he find it so hard to communicate? What hasn't he opened up about his feelings? I've done a good job of reassuring him and acknowledging his hurt feelings. I need the same in order to move forward. I need the same in order to build trust. I can't go into this blindly as I did before. I've always know communication was an issue but it is painstakingly clear that the communication issue is with him here. Remember the text last weekend I sent apologizing and speaking more indepth about what happened? I received no response and that he contacted me a couple days later asking about my family..just small talk. Then I sent the email, no response. It's like he is dodging any conversation about what happened. I had a feeling this was going to happen. What happens when he asks me to spend some time with him. I don't know if he is planning on speaking to me face to face or when the time is right, but I fear he just wants to brush it under the rug and not address anything. Am I supposed to mind read? I just need to know he acknowledges and understands, so that later down the road, I know he is aware and is working just like I am. Simple as that. I don't need some long drawn out emotional response. I've been very direct, straightforward, minus the emotional dramatic stuff. He hasn't let me know much other than he misses me and has been thinking about me a lot. I appreciate those statements but I'm more concerned about where we are headed.

 

I don't know if he is afraid to open up or if he doesn't know how. Right now I am just trying to make it safe for him to talk to me. I'm not trying to pressure him, but I don't feel comfortable ignoring this issue at all and I don't know how I'm going to pretend like it doesn't need to be addressed as time goes on. I'm going to try to remain patient. I'm going to continue to kind and respectful and I'm not going to pressure him to talk about this. I've done my part. I've done a lot of talking. I'm not trying to prove myself to him or trying to fool him into re-entering the relationship. I'm trying to do this the right way. A way that we both will get our needs met. A way that we both will feel safe and secure. I don't know what it is yet and maybe anyone reading can share their thoughts on why he may be having a hard time communicating, but I am growing concerned. I have to be very careful in my decisions. I worry that I'll begin to start spending time with him and I'll allow him to dodge this conversation. I've been known to allow him to do this. I want him to respect me. I want us to respect eachother. How can he respect me when I allow things like this to slide. This is a major, major issue that needs to be put on the table from both sides. Maybe he doesn't want to commit to a relationship. Maybe he doesn't have answers yet. Maybe he's just trying to work on open dialogue and friendship first (all of which I think is important). I don't know. I just know I don't think I should open up fully, I should continue to keep my distance physically until some progress is made in communication. He's trying and I can tell he is thinking about me. I want to run over there. I want to be in his presence because I've missed him terribly, but I need to control myself for now.

 

I don't know what to make of this, but I'm taking it one day at a time.

[Ksol9]

My mood went sour for some reason. I think I was thinking more and more about why he won't be straightforward with me. I keep thinking maybe he doesn't want to give me any straightforward answers about reconciling because he is playing the field. I know it has only been one week since communication has opened up between us, but I fear that he may just be trying to make sure the option is there and isn't going to give me any definite answers. I don't know if I'm not being patient enough or what it is. Maybe I need to understand that things can not happen the way I want them to and just go with the flow.

 

I have been trying not to peek at his social media. I know right now it is critical that I don't allow other things to convolute my mind because I know it will shine right through in my behavior. I noticed over the past week, he has not been liking photos of other women. A few days ago he went through his friend's list and deleted most of the women he added since our split, with the exception of 2 or 3. There was a woman he tried to add about a week ago before we began speaking and he ended up in her followers list because she didnt accept the friend request yet. She didn't accept the friend request until this morning. He doesn't know her personally. She is a much younger girl. I believe this is what changed my mood, now that I'm discussing it. I'm thinking that maybe he will continue to try to play the field, talk to other women on facebook, and not really move things along with me. He appears to be alone. The few women that remain on his friend's list do not interact with him on his page, but it just makes me wonder if he will try to pursue other women still now that I am back in the picture. I know I'm being silly because I did see a change in his online activity since we have been in contact again. I am not rushing this process, nor do I think it is wise to rush him. I suppose I need to be composed and control my emotions over the course of the next few days. I can not control him and I need to allow him the time to sort things out in his mind.

 

Sometimes I feel like he keeps throwing the ball back in my court. Almost as if he is waiting for me to make a move. I have been putting reconciliation on the table and then he will say I miss you or I've been thinking about you as if I'm supposed to take it from there. ahhh, I think I'm only confusing myself further. After those little text messages last night, he may not text again for a while. I don't even know if I should contact him after this or just wait? Do I initiate small talk or do I wait for a more serious response from him?

 

I don't have a clue what is going on in his mind. As I am typing and processing my thoughts, I am thinking it is probably best to sit tight. I hope everyone is enjoying their Sunday!

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. Thank you so much for your input about my situation and how I'm feeling. I would like to reply to it, but I may have to do it at a later time. My energy is nonexistent right now because I maybe got an hour or two of sleep last night. I always have trouble sleeping, as you know, but last night it was because it's that time of month and I felt like I had to run to the bathroom every hour or two. So today I'm uncomfortable for female reasons and also feel like a zombie from no sleep. But I wanted you to know that I read everything you said and really appreciate it!

 

I also wanted to say that your posts about your situation reminded me of an article I read a while back about men and "selective communication." Here's the article:

It seems to be very typical of men to ignore heavy topics of conversation whenever possible. I really think this is all that's going on with yours. Yes, it's a huge problem that needs to be overcome (his lack of communication), but I thought it might make you feel better to see that other men do this too. I would try not to let your mind run away with you about all the reasons he may not be replying to the things you feel need to be talked about. I know it's hard, and I would be feeling the same exact way! But I really think he's just being a guy - not to give him a free pass by any means, but it seems pretty common. I don't at all believe that he wants to play the field or anything else your imagination is interpreting this as. I think he would like to just slip back into things in an easy and feel-good way and ignore the heavy stuff, because he doesn't know how to address it. This obviously is not ideal, and things need to be talked about. I wish I knew what to suggest, but i can't think of anything at the moment. I think for right now, just take it for what it is - a guy being a crappy communicator when it comes to difficult emotional topics - and don't let your anxiety turn it into anything more than that.

 

I'll try to write more later if I can catch a nap. Try to relax and just enjoy the fact that you two are talking again! I have faith that this will all work out somehow.

[lostlove76]

Oh, I also meant to ask - are you sure he got the email? I hardly ever check mine.

[Ksol9]

Thank you for the link. I'm going to head over to read it in a few. I think you've made a good point. I was thinking earlier that if I continue to drown myself in worry about the way I want things to happen, life is going to slip by. I'm not taking time to enjoy the moment. I think you're right, men in general are not emotional beings. They don't sit around talking about their feelings, so I think this is just difficult for him to express his feelings.

 

I know he received the email because I sent a text shortly after sending it letting him know I received his message and replied by email since it was too long to send by text. I wished him a goodnight and then he sent me a text last night. I'm going to take your advice and try not to allow my imagination run wild because I do think that everything you said is a reasonable explanation for why he hasn't responded or called me to talk things through. I also agree that he would much rather ease back into things without having to deal with all the other stuff. I honestly believe he doesn't know how. I just hope that as a result, we don't get stuck in this awkward place.

 

I'm ok for now. Luckily, I'm not getting angry or frustrated with him. I'm trying to be understanding of his position. I don't know if I'll hear from him again soon, but I think I'm just going to go with the flow and not put pressure on myself or him. He will find ways to reassure me or talk to me about everything when the time is right. I too hope that everything works out somehow.

 

I'm sorry you didn't sleep well. I am the same way during that time of the month. On the heaviest day, I am getting up almost every hour to go to the bathroom. It's absolutely miserable because you want to sleep, but can't stay asleep for long. Maybe you should take a benedryl or some sort of over the counter sleep aid to help you catch up on some sleep? I wouldn't advise that on a regular basis but I know that zombie feeling well. I hope you're able to get some rest. I've been meaning to ask you, do you think your recent panick attacks and loss of energy stemmed from everything you saw with him and then the loss in your family? The reason I ask is because if you do decide to start counseling, that would be something to explore further in depth. The reasons behind it and what you can do to process and manage it in a healthy way. I know you went through the stages of grief for a long time, i wonder if what you are experiencing isl apart of that cycle.

[lostlove76]

Yes, I think you're just going to have to do your best not to let the worries and anxious thoughts overtake you. This is said with complete empathy, because I know that in your position, I would be dissecting every word and going over every possibility and totally working myself into a frenzy about it all. My mind would be going in circles every second of the day, trying my best to predict the unknown. I know from experience how miserable that feels, so I think that if you can keep it to a minimum you'll be better off. Try to focus on how much better things are now than they were just a week ago. Progress has been made - you've talked a bit, you know a little of how he's been feeling, the communication lines have been opened. Compare that to how the silence felt, and allow yourself to feel good that there's been some change. Focus on the positives and try not to jump ahead of yourself. Of course, I know this is all easier said than done. I know how those anxious thoughts can so easily take on a life of their own.

 

So you also have a heavy day when you have to go to the bathroom constantly? I worried mine was abnormal. It's impossible to sleep when you have to do that. Tonight I'll take a Benadryl and hope for the best. I'm hoping that last night was my heaviest, but it could be tonight. Each month, it seems to be really heavy for a long while, then slacks off, then gets heavy again. I really need some sleep.

 

I'm pretty sure that the panic attack was caused by pretty much what you said. For almost a year now, I've been depressed and anxious over him. Then my aunt died. The funeral service was really uncomfortable, because I saw 20+ family members I hadn't seen in years, and I'm just not good in large group gatherings. So that Saturday was really stressful. Then that Sunday while at work, I felt my heart flutter (and it hasn't done it since, so I'm assuming it was anxiety, which can definitively cause that) and I immediately went into panic mode. I sat down and tried to relax, but my mind kept worrying about dying (which is also common, during panic attacks) and the thoughts snowballed. Three people close to the family all died within two weeks of the same thing - COPD. Granted, they were all in their 70s/80s, but I smoke, so I started worrying about diseases and death. Then I was worrying about what if I had to call 911, and how embarrassing that would be, and how would they find my location, and what if I was about to die. It was HORRIBLE!! I was afraid to even move for several hours, afraid it would cause a heart attack. I was frozen in fear. So ever since then, I've been so afraid of having another one, and also worried about potential health problems. Nervous to drive, nervous to go to work. It's just left me feeling completely weak and drained. This is, of course, all on top of the irritability and depression I've been feeling about him for almost a year now. Oh, and I had seen that picture and their relationship status just a few weeks before my aunt died, too. So I guess everything just hit me all at once, and I haven't felt okay since. Anxiety is an embarrassing problem to live with. I do hope the Zoloft helps. Then I'll see about counseling. One step at a time is all I can handle right now.

[Ksol9]

Hey lostlove, I just wanted to let you know I read the article and it was very interesting to read. It actually explained exactly what is going on with my situation. I'm actually on the fence about why he isn't responding. I'm somewhere in the middle of how I feel about why he hasn't addressed anything I'm concerned about. I actually saw on the girl's page that added him earlier, he liked one of her photos, so that sent my mind spinning even further. I just don't know what his intentions are at this point and I feel afraid to move toward him because of it. What if things stay like this for a long period of time because he is playing the field? This whole week I havent seen him like a single photo on facebook or instagram of another woman. He even deleted most of the random women he added. It was only today I saw him like this girl's photo after she added him. What if we don't progress into reconciliation? This could be bad.

 

I actually tried to look at things the way you stated in your previous post and while that may very well be the case, I am going back and forth in my mind about why he hasn't been straightforward with me. Bottom line, I'm starting to feel like he doesn't care enough and doesn't want to be with me bad enough. "Cafeteria responding" lol..sounds funny, but that is exactly what he is doing. Anytime I've sent a more serious text, I get nothing in response..just small talk instead. He is picking and choosing how he responds. Leaving me feeling like my concerns are neglected. This is why I need to speak with him face to face and still if I were to bring it up while I am with him, I fear looking needy or nagging for an answer. I'm just going to have to sleep on this one. I don't think I will be receiving a response at this point. I haven't heard from him today at all and I think the next time I do hear from him, I'm certain it will be more small talk. I might not hear from him for a while. It's funny how the article suggests that many women have adopted an "it is what it is" attitude to men who ignore talk about serious matters. If/when him and I start to spend time together, I hope he will be mature enough to speak with me about the direction of our relationship. Of course I am thinking ahead. I am not even sure if things will get to that point.

 

I just saw you posted. Going to post this and will respond to you recent post shortly.

[lostlove76]

Hey lostlove, I just wanted to let you know I read the article and it was very interesting to read. It actually explained exactly what is going on with my situation. I'm actually on the fence about why he isn't responding. I'm somewhere in the middle of how I feel about why he hasn't addressed anything I'm concerned about. I actually saw on the girl's page that added him earlier, he liked one of her photos, so that sent my mind spinning even further. I just don't know what his intentions are at this point and I feel afraid to move toward him because of it. What if things stay like this for a long period of time because he is playing the field? This whole week I havent seen him like a single photo on facebook or instagram of another woman. He even deleted most of the random women he added. It was only today I saw him like this girl's photo after she added him. What if we don't progress into reconciliation? This could be bad.

 

I actually tried to look at things the way you stated in your previous post and while that may very well be the case, I am going back and forth in my mind about why he hasn't been straightforward with me. Bottom line, I'm starting to feel like he doesn't care enough and doesn't want to be with me bad enough. "Cafeteria responding" lol..sounds funny, but that is exactly what he is doing. Anytime I've sent a more serious text, I get nothing in response..just small talk instead. He is picking and choosing how he responds. Leaving me feeling like my concerns are neglected. This is why I need to speak with him face to face and still if I were to bring it up while I am with him, I fear looking needy or nagging for an answer. I'm just going to have to sleep on this one. I don't think I will be receiving a response at this point. I haven't heard from him today at all and I think the next time I do hear from him, I'm certain it will be more small talk. I might not hear from him for a while. It's funny how the article suggests that many women have adopted an "it is what it is" attitude to men who ignore talk about serious matters. If/when him and I start to spend time together, I hope he will be mature enough to speak with me about the direction of our relationship. Of course I am thinking ahead. I am not even sure if things will get to that point.

 

I just saw you posted. Going to post this and will respond to you recent post shortly.

 

I'm glad you read the article. It does describe your situation exactly, doesn't it!? It's the first thing that came to mind when I read your post earlier. It doesn't really give any guidance as to how to address the issue, unfortunately, but it does go to show how common this is among men.

 

I know it's scary not knowing what his intentions are, but I honestly don't think he's playing the field. He wouldn't have deleted all those girls if that was the case. I'm not sure why he liked the new girl's pic, and I know that would bother me as well, but I'm sure it doesn't mean anything.

 

I do think he just doesn't know what to say. I guess if I try to place myself in his shoes, as I like to do when trying to understand something, I could see how this could be overwhelming. Not you being overwhelming with anything you've said; just the situation feeling overwhelming. Like, "where do we even start in order to fix this thing?" (

[Ksol9]

Yes, I think you're just going to have to do your best not to let the worries and anxious thoughts overtake you. This is said with complete empathy, because I know that in your position, I would be dissecting every word and going over every possibility and totally working myself into a frenzy about it all. My mind would be going in circles every second of the day, trying my best to predict the unknown. I know from experience how miserable that feels, so I think that if you can keep it to a minimum you'll be better off. Try to focus on how much better things are now than they were just a week ago. Progress has been made - you've talked a bit, you know a little of how he's been feeling, the communication lines have been opened. Compare that to how the silence felt, and allow yourself to feel good that there's been some change. Focus on the positives and try not to jump ahead of yourself. Of course, I know this is all easier said than done. I know how those anxious thoughts can so easily take on a life of their own.

 

Thank you for understanding. I am just going to have to find ways to not allow this to overwhelm me. We are somewhere in the middle and I don't really know where things are headed if they are even headed anywhere. You are right that progress has been made and I am in a much better position that I was in a week ago. I was in a terrible condition. This should be a piece of cake. This is just part of my personality. I want answers and I want them now. It doesn't work like that. Then seeing him like that girl's photo...more anxiety. I know it's foolish because that doesn't really mean anything. It's probably better he hasn't contacted me today because I'd probably ignore him...lol as I'm typing I'm thinking about how immature I'm being. My mind is my worst enemy right now.

 

So you also have a heavy day when you have to go to the bathroom constantly? I worried mine was abnormal. It's impossible to sleep when you have to do that. Tonight I'll take a Benadryl and hope for the best. I'm hoping that last night was my heaviest, but it could be tonight. Each month, it seems to be really heavy for a long while, then slacks off, then gets heavy again. I really need some sleep.

 

Yes, I actually just have one or two heavy days and those nights I don't get much sleep at all. It's not abnormal. Everyone is different, but it's totally normal to have a couple heavier days. Hoping tonight you'll be able to get some sleep. I know you're not able to function well without proper sleep.

 

I'm pretty sure that the panic attack was caused by pretty much what you said. For almost a year now, I've been depressed and anxious over him. Then my aunt died. The funeral service was really uncomfortable, because I saw 20+ family members I hadn't seen in years, and I'm just not good in large group gatherings. So that Saturday was really stressful. Then that Sunday while at work, I felt my heart flutter (and it hasn't done it since, so I'm assuming it was anxiety, which can definitively cause that) and I immediately went into panic mode. I sat down and tried to relax, but my mind kept worrying about dying (which is also common, during panic attacks) and the thoughts snowballed. Three people close to the family all died within two weeks of the same thing - COPD. Granted, they were all in their 70s/80s, but I smoke, so I started worrying about diseases and death. Then I was worrying about what if I had to call 911, and how embarrassing that would be, and how would they find my location, and what if I was about to die. It was HORRIBLE!! I was afraid to even move for several hours, afraid it would cause a heart attack. I was frozen in fear. So ever since then, I've been so afraid of having another one, and also worried about potential health problems. Nervous to drive, nervous to go to work. It's just left me feeling completely weak and drained. This is, of course, all on top of the irritability and depression I've been feeling about him for almost a year now. Oh, and I had seen that picture and their relationship status just a few weeks before my aunt died, too. So I guess everything just hit me all at once, and I haven't felt okay since. Anxiety is an embarrassing problem to live with. I do hope the Zoloft helps. Then I'll see about counseling. One step at a time is all I can handle right now.

 

The way you explain this in detail...I'm just afraid for you. That must have been a horrible experience and I really hope it doesn't happen again. I think the meds will help with that. It makes alot of sense that everything just seemed to fall on your chest all at the same time. Everything from him to family all happened within a matter of weeks. That is a lot for someone to deal with. Especially since you have been dealing with the anxiety and depression for so long. You seemed to have reached a breaking point with the additional worry (fear of death/health issues) that was added to your anxieties. Like you said, one thing at a time and I think starting the medication is the best decision you could have made because I don't think anything else is going to be as effective..short term anyway.

[Ksol9]

I'm glad you read the article. It does describe your situation exactly, doesn't it!? It's the first thing that came to mind when I read your post earlier. It doesn't really give any guidance as to how to address the issue, unfortunately, but it does go to show how common this is among men.

 

This is something I want to talk about with my therapist. I am meeting with him on Wednesday and I don't know how much will develop between him and I by then, but maybe my therapist will have some suggestions on how to address something like this. The old me would definitely continue to grow more and more frustrated to the point where I would nag him about it. I don't want to react that way anymore and I will refrain from doing so as long as I can. It's not healthy and nothing gets resolved. In fact, it will push him away. He will distance himself.

 

I know it's scary not knowing what his intentions are, but I honestly don't think he's playing the field. He wouldn't have deleted all those girls if that was the case. I'm not sure why he liked the new girl's pic, and I know that would bother me as well, but I'm sure it doesn't mean anything.

 

This is just me thinking the worst case scenarios again. My trust issues are also playing a role as well. I'm thinking maybe he is a womanizer who just wants to play the field. I'm not going to let those thoughts stand in the way of our happiness anymore, so I am trying my best to deal with it..also another thing I need to discuss with my therapist. Will have to wait and see what develops in the next few days.

 

I do think he just doesn't know what to say. I guess if I try to place myself in his shoes, as I like to do when trying to understand something, I could see how this could be overwhelming. Not you being overwhelming with anything you've said; just the situation feeling overwhelming. Like, "where do we even start in order to fix this thing?" (

 

Knowing him...he really doesn't know what to say. One of the text messages he sent prior to the email literally said...I don't know what to say. I could see him feeling the way you explained above. I actually feel overwhelmed when I think of all the messy issues we would have to go through with a fine tooth comb. I don't want to go through that. I just want to know that he is willing to try and is aware of why we had problems. Patience is key right now. I miss him and I'm anxious to see him.

 

Everything you said helped me feel better. Thank you again. You always seem to put things in perspective for me. I can't thank you enough.

 

I need to turn my brain off for the rest of the night. My mind has been going in overdrive today. Going to try to go to bed early. I hope you get some rest tonight.

[lostlove76]

Thank you for the concern about the panic attack

 

Your period does sound just like mine, so I'm glad to hear mine isn't abnormal! It's such an unpleasant thing to deal with, month after month.

 

I do totally understand your thoughts and feelings right now. All of it. I would be feeling the very same way. You're doing a good job, though, in maintaining your composure with him. And he could still text tonight. If he doesn't, I'm sure that he's trying to be just as cautious as you are. I know it's not easy to have patience, but you really are doing well with that, better than I would be. I know it's difficult, but I would try to resist putting too much thought into him liking the girl's picture. It would bother me too, believe me, but from the outside, I feel sure it doesn't mean anything. He's had ample opportunity for the past two months to play around if he wanted to, and it doesn't appear that he did. It seems he spent the vast majority of it (probably all of it) alone. I think you'll be better off if you try to let the picture-like roll off you and remind yourself it means nothing.

 

I think right now, you're both being cautious. Neither of you knows how to proceed. I'm trying to think of the best way to handle getting him to talk about serious things, but I honestly don't know. When mine called me after the 3 weeks NC after I went through his phone oh so long ago, I told him I wouldn't be with him unless it was exclusive. I just immediately put it out there when he called. Up until that point, I had tiptoed and kept quiet about such issues, not wanting to scare him off. Then I finally stood up for myself and what I wanted/needed, and surprisingly he agreed to it. He wanted me to come over that first phone call, and I told him I would but that we have to talk about it. So I went over, and he was being sweetsy and was going to sweep it under the rug, and I firmly said no, we need to talk about this. So he sighed and said okay, and we talked about it. And that was the first time we really talked about such things in any real way. It took me being firm and setting that boundary and bringing it up myself. So I don't know if, from that, it gives you any ideas of how to address the issue. Not all guys are the same, and I wouldn't suggest being forceful about it. But he needs to understand that this cannot be ignored and swept under the rug. He also needs to feel safe in talking about it, though. He needs to know that it won't be a situation where you blast him for what he's done wrong, and it won't be a 5-hour long conversation (these are the things men worry about, I think). I don't know how to make him feel safe, but he does need to so that he's not scared to have the conversation. Of course, for all we know, he may be thinking of how to reply and will email you back a response in a couple of days. And in the meantime, he makes small talk because he misses you and wants to talk.

 

Not sure if anything I've said helps, but these are just my thoughts.

[lostlove76]

This is something I want to talk about with my therapist. I am meeting with him on Wednesday and I don't know how much will develop between him and I by then, but maybe my therapist will have some suggestions on how to address something like this. The old me would definitely continue to grow more and more frustrated to the point where I would nag him about it. I don't want to react that way anymore and I will refrain from doing so as long as I can. It's not healthy and nothing gets resolved. In fact, it will push him away. He will distance himself.

 

 

 

This is just me thinking the worst case scenarios again. My trust issues are also playing a role as well. I'm thinking maybe he is a womanizer who just wants to play the field. I'm not going to let those thoughts stand in the way of our happiness anymore, so I am trying my best to deal with it..also another thing I need to discuss with my therapist. Will have to wait and see what develops in the next few days.

 

 

 

Knowing him...he really doesn't know what to say. One of the text messages he sent prior to the email literally said...I don't know what to say. I could see him feeling the way you explained above. I actually feel overwhelmed when I think of all the messy issues we would have to go through with a fine tooth comb. I don't want to go through that. I just want to know that he is willing to try and is aware of why we had problems. Patience is key right now. I miss him and I'm anxious to see him.

 

Everything you said helped me feel better. Thank you again. You always seem to put things in perspective for me. I can't thank you enough.

 

I need to turn my brain off for the rest of the night. My mind has been going in overdrive today. Going to try to go to bed early. I hope you get some rest tonight.

 

You're welcome. Relaxing your mind for the night sounds like a good idea. Sometimes the answers come to us when we're not thinking about it so hard. I hope you get some sleep, and I will try to as well. It was really nice chatting and catching up. Have a good night

[jmb]

Hi Ksol-

Been trying to keep up on your story and posts. I know your mind is spinning around trying to make sense of what he is thinking. Unfortunately, you are not going to know, and again trying to read into the FB stuff is not going to get you anywhere. Men are funny, just because he likes someones picture does not mean anything at all. Right now you two are not together and it should not concern you what his interaction on FB is. I am curious how you can see who he adds as a friend...that is nuts that you can see that from some other persons page.. anyhow.. I read this quote today and I thought it would be good to share with you. "What is meant for you will flow into your life effortlessly. You don't have to stress, worry, chase or fight for it". Please just be good to yourself. You told him you want to talk, if he does not reciprocate, or worse tells you NO" he is not the man for you. I know this is not what you want to hear, but you cannot force someone to want to be in a relationship with you. Honestly, and if that ends up being the case, it is OK. You will find someone that will love you and that you love more than this man. Keep your head up.

My ex would reach out to me with the most random stupid texts over the last 9 months (yes 9 months). I wished him a happy birthday about 6 weeks ago and asked how he was...I got back "I am on top of the world, my life is incredible" Yep that is what he sent me. It was rude and hurtful. It was at that moment that I gave up. Funny thing is I know I will hear from him again, but my heart sort of closed with that reply to my being kind. I prey that you get something this blunt (either way), it is truly much easier, at least it was for me. I know I deserve better and you deserve love too. Keep that in mind as you are obsessing over him. Life has a funny way of teaching us all lessons. Big Hugs!

[Ksol9]

Thank you lostlove and jmb.

 

While I know looking at his fb is not going to help me in anyway, I realize it will only make things much worse right now. I need to keep focused on navigating where we are at the moment and where we are going from here. Communication is open and we've been talking about every other day with communication initiated by him. I think lostlove is correct that he is just tiptoeing around the discussion hoping things will just progress. He may be thinking about what to say regarding the email and may talk to me about it in the next few days, but I really don't think so. I'm not waiting on it. I actually think I may not hear from him for a little while as he doesnt seem to want to talk about the email. After much thought, I decided I'm going to talk to him about it when I see him. I'll bring it up and I'd much rather have that conversation face to face anyhow. Either way I am prepared for whichever way things go. I know I shouldn't worry or put energy into anything else other than getting things in order with us.

 

Hope everyone has a wonderful night. Wishing you all a great week ahead.

[Ksol9]

Lostlove, you may have mentioned it before, but I didn't know you've always had anxiety. For some reason I thought this was something that was caused by your relationship. It is reversible right? I probably sound silly saying that. I don't think I've had anxiety prior to my relationship before this one. Maybe I had it and it wasn't so prominent. I've always been a worrier. That has been passed on from my parents. They both worry. And maybe the worrying is anxiety. There I go again. Please forgive me if I sound like a total idiot. I guess I really didn't put a label to what I was experiencing until recently.

 

I don't think people who have anxiety really ever live anxiety free or is there a way to eliminate it completely. I remember there many times throughout my relationship that I was anxiety free but then something would happen, I'd freak out, and then my mind would take off in some negative direction without me being able to stop it. I know a lifestyle change and awareness is way to tackle it, but is there ever a total solution for it. I'd really love to have that formula. Life would be ten times easier. I've come to accept I'm just more emotional than others and I think you are as well. The same goes for hypochondria, what are the specs on curing that? The reason I ask is because I've experienced some claustrophobia. I can hide it well, but there has been a few times (I can count on one hand) where I freaked out and couldn't be in the closed space. I notice it is worse when I am under a lot of stress, so I suppose this is what happened to you. There were so much stressful things going on in your life that your hypochondria could not be contained. You were not strong enough to fight the fear.

 

Now that I'm writing about the claustrophobia, I wonder why I never spoke about this with my therapist. I wish I could get rid of it. It's probably mild, but I still don't like the feeling when it arises. I guess the biggest issue for me is anxiety. I hate it. It stops me from living and loving life. Ok I'm just rambling. I'm laying in bed and can't fall asleep.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I'm sorry you can't sleep. I just got out of the shower and see that you wrote.

 

I've had anxiety on and off my whole life, about various things. There have been times it was really bad, and times when it wasn't much of a problem. I've always had anxiety in relationships, fear of abandonment, etc - part of which I now relate to attachment issues, after reading so much about attachment theory. I've had hypochondria issues on and off for probably the past two decades. I've had driving anxiety ever since I had a wreck a long time ago (I wasn't hurt, but it was scary). I've always been shy and had some degree of social anxiety. So as you can see, I have this problem in many areas of my life. And on top of those specifics, I often feel just generally anxious day to day. Like you, my parents are worriers, and I am the same way.

 

The degree to which I'm affected by all of this most definitely has a lot to do with what's going on in my life at any given time. If I'm going through something stressful, then it bleeds over into other areas. Just for example, if I'm generally happy and doing pretty well, I don't have as much of a problem with driving; but as I've been going through all this depression over the breakup, the driving anxiety has been a definite issue. If I don't get enough sleep, my anxiety the next day increases tenfold. If I don't eat enough, I start feeling really anxious until I eat something. There are triggers.

 

Your claustrophobia being worse when you're under stress makes sense. I guess maybe we're just less able to cope with certain things when we're feeling so rundown in other areas of our lives. As for how to cure it.... supposedly something like claustrophobia can be cured with repeated exposure. You're supposed to put yourself in the situations that you fear, over and over again, until you eventually don't react to it anymore. I say "supposedly" because I've read and heard this many many times; however, driving the same route several times a week for the past year has done nothing to lessen my driving anxiety. But maybe that's just because I'm such a mess right now overall. The claustrophobia is very specific, and I do think you could overcome it with repeated exposure. Your therapist can guide you better on what to do, but I think you're supposed to stay in the situation until your anxiety peaks and then falls again.

 

Zoloft REALLY helped my hypochondria to a very large degree, so meds can also help with some things. My doctor also told me that exercise is supposed to help with anxiety in general.

 

Relationship anxiety... I think that for you, like me, we have these attachment issues that are very hard to overcome. I've read that being with a more secure partner eventually makes an anxious person more secure. Being with an avoidant just exacerbates the problem. Then, like you said, we are both just very emotional. We care deeply. We dwell on things. We feel hugely affected by every little thing. We place our whole heart and soul into our relationships. We're hyper-alert to things going wrong. I see a lot of articles floating around about "highly sensitive people," which I've never bothered reading about, but I'm sure that you and I both are. I mean, obviously we are sensitive. But the term is used to describe a group of people with certain personality traits. You can google and tons of stuff comes up. So a lot of this is just who we are, and it has its pros and cons.

 

You're right that life would be ten times easier without all of this. When you say "I guess the biggest issue for me is anxiety. I hate it. It stops me from living and loving life." that's exactly how I feel, too. It's very hard to live life this way, always worried and anxious over everything. For me, I don't think the anxiety can be cured, only managed. I think I'm coming to accept that it's always going to be a problem unless I take care of myself and keep on top of things and stay out of toxic relationships. For you, I think the claustrophobia can be overcome. I think you'll always be prone to worry, and I think you'll always have a bit of relationship anxiety... but these things can be improved upon with the help of your therapist and correcting your thought patterns and such. In my non-professional opinion

 

I hope you can get some sleep. I'm about to take a benadryl and hope for the best. Talk again soon

 

ETA:

In response to this:

"Lostlove, you may have mentioned it before, but I didn't know you've always had anxiety. For some reason I thought this was something that was caused by your relationship."

I can honestly say that I'm about 50 times worse off now than I was before I met him. This relationship and breakup really did me in. Life was not perfect before him by any means, but I wasn't constantly depressed and having anxiety all day every day, either. His hot/cold, on/off behaviors ramped up my anxiety big time, and then all the times I lost him (this last time being permanent) sent me into depression. Tons of highs and lows for two years, followed by now almost a year of nothing but low. Before him, I was on a much more even keel. I did have issues still, certainly, and don't want to make it sound like life was peachy. But it was nothing compared to this.

[Ksol9]

I wake up and the first thing on my mind is him. I really, really miss him, but Im holding back for whatever reason. I'm starting to worry that I won't hear from him again. Maybe he's waiting for me to move this along. Should I contact again to press the issue? Or should I just wait for him? I really don't know what to do.

 

Lostlove, I read your post and I'd like to respond when I get on my laptop later. I'm still laying in bed. Anxiety and depression are so closely linked and because I experience so much anxiety in relationships, I think I need to pay close attention to the reasons why and how I can manage it. I think you're right that I'll always have a bit of relationship anxiety. It's something that has been long ingrained in me. I'll be back later to chat. I hope you were able to get some sleep last night.

[Ksol9]

I've had anxiety on and off my whole life, about various things. There have been times it was really bad, and times when it wasn't much of a problem. I've always had anxiety in relationships, fear of abandonment, etc - part of which I now relate to attachment issues, after reading so much about attachment theory. I've had hypochondria issues on and off for probably the past two decades. I've had driving anxiety ever since I had a wreck a long time ago (I wasn't hurt, but it was scary). I've always been shy and had some degree of social anxiety. So as you can see, I have this problem in many areas of my life. And on top of those specifics, I often feel just generally anxious day to day. Like you, my parents are worriers, and I am the same way.

 

You and I are really a lot alike. I feel like I have the same issues in relationships...anxiety, fear of abandonment ect. I feel like I've had some sort of trust issue or anxiety related problems with any relationship I've ever been in. Looking back, I'd flip or freak out over the most ridiculous things. I probably don't know what it's like to live without it so I don't know what is normal. You said that prior to your relationship with him, you did not feel as bad as you are feeling now. Were there any other lifestyle changes?

 

The degree to which I'm affected by all of this most definitely has a lot to do with what's going on in my life at any given time. If I'm going through something stressful, then it bleeds over into other areas. Just for example, if I'm generally happy and doing pretty well, I don't have as much of a problem with driving; but as I've been going through all this depression over the breakup, the driving anxiety has been a definite issue. If I don't get enough sleep, my anxiety the next day increases tenfold. If I don't eat enough, I start feeling really anxious until I eat something. There are triggers.

 

This was my thinking. The weight of everything happening in your life became too much to handle and your body reacted with a panic attack. I really think the zoloft will help you and if you continue to take it for some time, you will be able to put all this stuff behind you or at least improve the quality of your everyday life.

 

You're right that life would be ten times easier without all of this. When you say "I guess the biggest issue for me is anxiety. I hate it. It stops me from living and loving life." that's exactly how I feel, too. It's very hard to live life this way, always worried and anxious over everything. For me, I don't think the anxiety can be cured, only managed. I think I'm coming to accept that it's always going to be a problem unless I take care of myself and keep on top of things and stay out of toxic relationships. For you, I think the claustrophobia can be overcome. I think you'll always be prone to worry, and I think you'll always have a bit of relationship anxiety... but these things can be improved upon with the help of your therapist and correcting your thought patterns and such. In my non-professional opinion

 

This is something i really want to discuss with my therapist. I'll share what he says after I see him on Wednesday.

 

I wanted to share how I've been feeling today. I woke up this morning feeling very sad. Him and I are stuck in a really awkward place for some reason and I'm getting the feeling he's not interested in reconciling. Something feels strange. All the small talk and nothing about wanting me to be in his life. All he has said to me is that he misses me and thinks about me alot. I'm just starting to feel like he doesn't really care and there is nothing more I can do. I don't even think I'll hear from him anytime soon. Maybe there is someone else in the picture. Maybe he just doesn't want to make any decisions right now, either way, the small talk doesn't seem to be leading anywhere. I'm just feeling extremely confused about everything that has happened up until this point.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I'm sorry you're feeling so uneasy. I can certainly understand that feeling, and I know I would be feeling the same way. It's the unknowns that are causing you the anxiety and despair, I'm sure. As you said, he hasn't confirmed that he wants to get back together, so you're confused about his intentions. I think I would hold tight until your therapist appointment and see what he suggests. I honestly don't know the best course of action. Since Wed is just day after tomorrow, I would just wait. Has it been exactly every other day that you guys have talked? Sometimes people form patterns. Maybe he's giving a day in between so as not to rush things. As for what he wants with regards to starting over, maybe he's still feeling apprehensive because of problems in the past. Remember that guys work out problems on their own and in their own time (man cave). You've already put it out there about what you want, so I think saying anything more so soon might be perceived as pressure. See if he texts tonight, hold out on doing anything until your therapy appt, and just try to manage the anxious thoughts in the meantime.

 

I have to go to work soon. Not feeling so great. My period is still really heavy, and I hate being out somewhere during this time. But I can't not go, so I just have to deal with it. Tomorrow is my appt, so I'm just hanging on til the Zoloft kicks in!

[lostlove76]

You said that prior to your relationship with him, you did not feel as bad as you are feeling now. Were there any other lifestyle changes?

 

Not really, other than starting this new job a little over a year ago, and new things are always hard for me. But I think it's been 20 times harder due to all the depression and anxiety caused by the thing with him. This all started when we broke up that first time and he started ignoring me for those 2 months before we started talking again. That was fall of 2014. When he started ignoring me, it ramped my anxiety and depression way up. Then when we started talking again, the anxiety remained because he was so hot and cold, and it was all so confusing. It caused a ton of emotional turmoil, and even when we became exclusive, I continued worrying because I never trusted him. So it was constant ups and downs. I felt really really good when I was with him, and really really worried and depressed when I wasn't. Up and down, up and down, every other day for the next year and half, and now always down for the past 9 months or however long it's been since we last talked. I'm sure that all of this has changed my body chemistry and done a lot of damage. I'm hoping the Zoloft will "reset" things.

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone. Yesterday, I felt I needed to completely shut everything down going on around me, so that I could get ahold of my emotions and to gain perspective. I shut my phone and computer down. Other than work, the only time I left to go anywhere was for pilates.

 

When I got out of pilates, I looked at my phone and saw I missed a text from him. I sent a text saying I had just gotten out of pilates. My pilates class is on the island on the marina where there are shops and restaurants. It was gorgeous out. The sun was setting and there was some sort of party boat sailing by. I took a picture of it and sent it to him joking about how the people were screaming in excitement. He recognized where I was and asked if I did pilates on the island. He went on to say he was out of town for work and that he was driving home. Small talk for a little while and then that was that. All day I kept thinking that I wasn't going to entertain this small talk anymore. I am very conflicted about it and I'll explain why. A couple hours later, I get another text from him asking what I was doing? More small talk. He says he misses me. He also says his boss was staying with him and that he was extremely tired. At this point it was pretty late at night. Then a little later I get another text asking what I was doing again. I was in bed and about to doze off. He said he was in bed and was about to go to sleep. We joked about wanting chicken wings. He wished me goodnight. I replied goodnight and fell asleep shortly after. I don't know what all these texts about what I'm doing is all about, but I went along with it like old times.

 

All day yesterday, my emotions were flying all over the place. I didn't expect to hear from him. Don't ask me why, but I guess I am just confused so I keep feeling like I won't hear from him for a good while. Even today, I am thinking I won't hear from him because at some point the small talk is going to get old. I am very conflicted because as lostlove stated, these unknowns are making me very anxious. There is a reason he has not opened up about his feeling and what his intentions are. Either he is apprehensive because he fears we will go down the same toxic road, or maybe he is happy playing the field and is talking to other women, or maybe he is just taking some time and is being distant because he is sorting things out in his mind. He could simply just be taking this day by day and feeling out the chemistry between us...trying to rebuild genuine trust by seeing if we can both get past all the bad feelings and insecurities with small conversation. I did tell him in my email that I wanted to take this day by day and that we didn't have to rush anything. I also said that I wanted him to take some time to think things through. Maybe he didn't want to go back into silence and is keeping lines of communication open until he makes a decision. I don't really know. I do know him as a person who takes his time in making decisions. He does not act on impulse. Whatever his reasons are...I can not control him nor can I control the outcome. All I can do is be patient, kind, and supportive. At the same time, I don't like the feeling of being in limbo. I feel very uneasy about this awkward space we are in. A huge part of it is because I don't like feeling that he may be playing me for a fool. As I said, I am conflicted as to how I want to handle things at this point.

 

Communication has been open between us for one week now. After not speaking to or seeing each other for over 2 months, you would think we would be anxious to see eachother. He has not asked to see me or spend time with me since with the exception of the one time he asked when we first spoke. My mind is obviously going in all directions about the reasons behind this. I've decided to try my best to keep an open mind, control my anxiety by not overthinking, and just be patient. If this carries on like this for too long then I will have to leave it alone. I am going to keep my distance and even not continue chit chatting with him if he continues to text. Our communication is very natural and the connection is still there. We miss eachother and will chat in bed until we fall asleep. I can see how this could work for him, but for me, I want to be in a committed relationship and I want to know that we are working toward that. It can't work for me if things continue this way simply because I won't be able to finalize my goals regarding the relationship. I don't want to pressure him or rush anything.

 

I can't wait to see my therapist tomorrow. I am proud of myself for navigating this the way I have since communication opened up. Although, I am afraid things could go sour and that we may not end up getting things off the ground, I am very adamant about making sure we are going about it in the right way either way. I'd like to hear his professional opinion about what is going on between us and how I should proceed.

 

Hope everyone is having a great day.

 

Lostlove, I remember your doctor's appointment was today. How did everything go? I hope you are well.