Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

Ksol-

I totally get what the other posters are saying about not contacting and continuing with your healing. I would agree if you weren't driving your self crazy on a daily basis. You two may very well not be right for one another. The relationship was toxic on some level and that I believe was highly attributed to you and your major anxiety, form what I read you could not forgive and let go of the past. I get it! Trust me, I did a lot of the same things in my 15 years of marriage as well as the most recent breakup. I suggest you read about attachment disorders and how to work on those. I believe you have an anxiety attachment style and it is caused you to lack major trust and self awareness.

Please know I am saying all of this to really help you and not being negative in any way.

I need to say that you have no idea what this man is going thru and looking at his FB page is not going to give you any clear idea of that at all. I mean honestly! I have been a broken mess before and if you look at my FB page and it sure as hell looks like my life is amazing! It is a facade! Most everyone does that. Think about this for a min...he lost his children and he lost you. I would be willing to guarantee he is hurting. I am a mother, having my child only part the time is awful I cannot imagine having her move half way across the country! This man planned on you being in his life and when you guys got back together you kept pushing and pushing and pushing. He got fed up with it because he couldn't make you happy. It is miserable to be with someone who says they love you yet nothing you do is good enough for them. This is what you were doing to him. I don't want you to feel worse. Just acknowledging the facts of what happened will help you in the future wether with him or another person.

If you feel you could have an adult conversation with the idea of understanding and forgiveness I believe you can move on

I would reach out and say something like "Hey (Name), I hope this message finds you well, its been 2 months since we have spoken and I have had a lot of time to cool off and reflect. Would you be up for getting coffee or lunch?

Then you can see how he reacts, if he ignores fine...you were the bigger person

If you get together, do not do it with the idea of reconciliation, do it with the idea of closure, if he expresses the desire to reconcile then you say you would entertain the idea but you both still need to work on things and you and go from there.

 

Hi jmb,

 

Thank you for this post. You are following along with me and I am following everything you are saying. I agree with each and everything you said. You understand fully especially the part where you wrote that i kept pushing and pushing and he became fed up because he couldn't make me happy. That is exactly what happened. I would have probably done exactly what he did and maybe even worse. As soon as I read your first post, it wasn't long before I decided that I would contact him and that is exactly what I did this morning. He replied immediately. After reading your recent post, it validated everything that I was feeling and I don't regret contacting him at all.

 

As soon as I sent the text, I felt a huge relief. I don't know if more emotions will follow, but this is what happened:

 

I sent a text saying I found his daughter's iPad and that I mailed it out to their mother, that they should be receiving it soon. I then said that I felt bad about the way things ended and that it's all water under the bridge now, but I was sorry for everything that happened between us. He replied immediately. He said the following: You should have asked me before you mailed it. Their mother took all their Electronics once they got there and she has not given them back yet. I know the way things happened could have went better and it was wrong. Like you said it's water under the bridge now. He sent another text about 10 minutes later saying...I hope you're doing ok.

 

I responded a little while later saying: I should have asked you before sending it but I didn't want to contact you because of everything that happened. Anytime I think about what happened I'm just not in peace about all the things I said and did. Just know I didn't mean anything I said. I'm not proud of my behavior so I know I needed to apologize. And things are going well for me. Everything that happened prompted me to make some lifestyle changes so I know it happened for a reason. I hope the children are doing well also.

 

I didn't want to jump straight to asking him to meet so I sent that thinking it would open up more dialogue. He never responded after that. That is either the end of our conversation forever or he is taking some time to think about what he needs to say. He has every right to be skeptical of me I know he isn't seeing anyone seriously right now. If there is anyone else..it's just chatting and to be honest, I don't care who is in the picture. I know he loves me. I can feel it. I want to fix the relationship. He may never respond after that text. I think I'll be ok knowing that I said enough to let him know that the door is open. I hope anything I said wasn't confusing. I spoke from the heart and I was honestly shocked that he responded immediately. He normally takes his time to think things through before saying anything. If you remember from our previous reconciliations, he will respond the following day or hours later with a detailed text. Maybe he just doesn't want to carry on any further conversation and decided not to respond. Either way, I think he knows I'm trying to talk. I've had a long time to think things through. I know where we went wrong. He's just got to meet me halfway. It takes two to reconcile and it doesn't look like that is what he wants as he didn't respond. I'll have to leave it as is and just see what happens. Maybe I screwed the whole thing up by that second text. I might have overwhelmed him. I don't know. He probably doesn't want to go down this road anymore and has nothing more to say.

[jmb]

Now the key is to not over analyze this text exchange. Just breathe, but please make sure when you do communicate that you do it from the heart and not say things that sound as if you are "all good" and over it....it's fake and he knows that. Water under the bridge? That is not how you truly feel. Try to lead with you heart and not worry about looking pathetic or needy. (I mean don't be a lunatic) If you truly love someone you will be transparent yet respectful, even if he is cold, you be sweet. Now, honestly if I were you I would ask to meet up. At the end of the day you need to get some dang closure and move on with or without him. I will tell you, I made the mismate of being too "cool" for far too long about the situation with my ex and I believe it really screwed it up. Sitting in my therapists office the other day, she asked my why, if you love this man did you not express that to him? I'm stubborn, duh!! Now, I am not saying that you should just let loose and tell him all that you are feeling, I am saying to let him know that although you are doing ok and coping that you still care about him. You have reflected on problems that you were causing and you are not totally healed but you are very aware of mistakes and are proactively working on yourself.

I do think it would be too soon for you guys to get back together because neither of you will have really changed in this short amount of time, but you can begin to build honest respectful communication.

Just remember not to over think this text exchange...he still cares or he would have totally ignored you.

I live in CO want me to go intercept the iPad?!? Ha!!

[Ksol9]

Now the key is to not over analyze this text exchange. Just breathe, but please make sure when you do communicate that you do it from the heart and not say things that sound as if you are "all good" and over it....it's fake and he knows that. Water under the bridge? That is not how you truly feel. Try to lead with you heart and not worry about looking pathetic or needy. (I mean don't be a lunatic) If you truly love someone you will be transparent yet respectful, even if he is cold, you be sweet. Now, honestly if I were you I would ask to meet up. At the end of the day you need to get some dang closure and move on with or without him. I will tell you, I made the mismate of being too "cool" for far too long about the situation with my ex and I believe it really screwed it up. Sitting in my therapists office the other day, she asked my why, if you love this man did you not express that to him? I'm stubborn, duh!! Now, I am not saying that you should just let loose and tell him all that you are feeling, I am saying to let him know that although you are doing ok and coping that you still care about him. You have reflected on problems that you were causing and you are not totally healed but you are very aware of mistakes and are proactively working on yourself.

I do think it would be too soon for you guys to get back together because neither of you will have really changed in this short amount of time, but you can begin to build honest respectful communication.

Just remember not to over think this text exchange...he still cares or he would have totally ignored you.

I live in CO want me to go intercept the iPad?!? Ha!!

 

Nice! Hows the weather in CO? It's probably snowing. It felt like we were in the 90s here in FL today.

 

I can't thank you enough. Your support is priceless right now. I'm trying not to over analyze the text he sent and as you said, I should be honest and genuine when I sent those messages. I was still holding on to my pride. I was afraid to say my true feelings I guess. He probably didn't know how to respond or just didn't want to respond period. I don't know if I will hear from him again, so I don't know how I'm going to text again asking to meet without sounding and feeling like a total idiot. I think you made alot of sense. There was no reason for me not to be transparent. I have been in a lot of pain over these past 2 months and I have been making alot of changes. I should have conveyed that, but I didn't and I hope I didn't screw everything up with what I said last. I feel kind of stupid for what I said because he probably knew I was full of it when I said things were going good with me. Water under the bridge....so fake. lol What I really meant was that everything was all said and done, but that I was really sorry for the way things ended and my role in it.

 

I certainly don't want to jump back into a relationship with him. I want to continue therapy, working out, and focusing on myself. I don't want to move back in and I don't want to spend every waking moment with eachother as we did before. As you stated, I want to build honest communication. I want to know that we both want to build this thing back up from the ground. I don't know what will happen from here. He may not even want any of that at all. He may have just wanted to hear me take responsibility and blame. He could have even gotten an ego boost from that. Who really knows? I'm just speculating from every different angle. My nerves were going out of control before I sent the text and then when I sent it I felt relieved. As soon as he responded, I was shocked and was trying to figure out what to say. That was the first thing that came to my mind and I guess it either overwhelmed him or he just didn't want to entertain any further conversation. Funny how your therapist asked why you didn't tell him how you truly felt. I would have answered the same. I am extremely stubborn. I know that I shouldn't spill everything, but I already went as far to contact him, I should have been a bit more honest with my feelings.

[Ksol9]

I fell asleep early and now I'm wide awake. Decided to write.

 

I went back and read the text message from him. He was very cold and direct. I said I was sorry for my hurtful words and that I didn't mean what I said. I was the bigger person and i should leave it there. You can not force anything in this life and this includes forcing someone to have feelings. We were both wrong in the way things ended. We both treated eachother badly. I was very hurt too and I still am very much so. I shouldn't be the only one fighting for this relationship. He's the one who sent the email, he's the one who ended the relationship 2 times. Yes, in essence I pushed him to that limit, I believe he has reached his limit in trying. He realizes this will never work and as many times as we tried, the outcome will be the same.

 

Even if he still loves me, he feels it is better to be alone than to be in an unhealthy and unhappy relationship. It appears that is what he wants, to be alone. He was very cold in that text and then he ignored the second text. I don't think I should push thinga anymore than that. He isn't stupid. He knows I've opened up the door to communicate and if he wanted it to lead anywhere, he would reciprocate. I actually feel a little stupid for what I said in the second text. He was cold and direct and I should have taken the hint and left it there. The only reason I can think why he responded that way is simply because he wanted to accept the apology and not leave things in the strained condition it was in. At least those words were said...he wanted to leave it there. He didn't want to go further than that. I am not over analyzing the text exchange. I think I'm taking it for face value and everything I stated above is what I got from it.

 

I also now understand why I never heard from the children. He said their mom took all electronics since they got there. I'm not sure why he wanted me to contact him before sending the iPad since it belongs to the mother. She could easily keep the iPad along with the other electronics. The package was addressed to mom. Anyhow, all this time I just thought the children disliked me or he told them not to contact me. I know they're just kids and they have their own lives, but I know if they had their phones, they would have said hi or something along those lines. I sure hope they're well and I know that they are since they are with their mother. Miss them so much.

[jmb]

Ksol-

Sorry I am just writing you.

I don't think his message sounded cold. He was mirroring what you said. Him sending another text saying I hope your doing ok was not cold. It was him continuing conversation. The thing is he knows you and I'm sure can tell your tone etc. I guarantee that he is looking for you to not be "passive aggressive". I could sit here all day and tell you about communication between me and my ex, there were plenty of times I did not respond or was aloof being cool...and he has done the exact same thing to me. The fact of the matter is the opposite of love is hate, if he did not care he would just be indifferent.

You texted with the iPad information (which I wouldn't have done) because it looked as if you were using that as an excuse to reach out rather than out of pure care and concern. My point in the original email I wrote you and still is....was to reach out openly asking if you two could get together to clear the air. The iPad, the water under the bridge, all that is a smoke screen and he knows that. You reconciled and wanted the relationship the last 2 times after your broke up. no one held a gun to your head to make you do so, from what I read he was really trying to moved past the issues from the past yet you weren't. I truly believe that he wanted to make this work with you the last time, then he realized you are never going to get over it and start fresh, that you would always create drama and push him away. People make mistakes, you and him. But to be an adult and loving you must decide if you can leave the past in the past and trust openly. I don't think you are able to trust. Are there things that have happened to you in other relationships? Just curious.

Don't feel bad about texting him, I still think it was the right thing to do.

Now, I would reach out to him again and be more transparent...seriously I would ask him to meet

One more thing....I do think you need to do this with the idea of healing not getting back to tether and you can state this to him Kindly of course, not like I'm over you blah blah bs

[Ksol9]

Ksol-

Sorry I am just writing you.

I don't think his message sounded cold. He was mirroring what you said. Him sending another text saying I hope your doing ok was not cold. It was him continuing conversation. The thing is he knows you and I'm sure can tell your tone etc. I guarantee that he is looking for you to not be "passive aggressive". I could sit here all day and tell you about communication between me and my ex, there were plenty of times I did not respond or was aloof being cool...and he has done the exact same thing to me. The fact of the matter is the opposite of love is hate, if he did not care he would just be indifferent.

You texted with the iPad information (which I wouldn't have done) because it looked as if you were using that as an excuse to reach out rather than out of pure care and concern. My point in the original email I wrote you and still is....was to reach out openly asking if you two could get together to clear the air. The iPad, the water under the bridge, all that is a smoke screen and he knows that. You reconciled and wanted the relationship the last 2 times after your broke up. no one held a gun to your head to make you do so, from what I read he was really trying to moved past the issues from the past yet you weren't. I truly believe that he wanted to make this work with you the last time, then he realized you are never going to get over it and start fresh, that you would always create drama and push him away. People make mistakes, you and him. But to be an adult and loving you must decide if you can leave the past in the past and trust openly. I don't think you are able to trust. Are there things that have happened to you in other relationships? Just curious.

Don't feel bad about texting him, I still think it was the right thing to do.

Now, I would reach out to him again and be more transparent...seriously I would ask him to meet

One more thing....I do think you need to do this with the idea of healing not getting back to tether and you can state this to him Kindly of course, not like I'm over you blah blah bs

 

Hi jmb, thank you for writing. My judgement is very clouded right now, so I am very appreciative for your help. You're a voice of reason right now.

 

Earlier I was sitting at the park getting some sun and fresh air, I went back and read through my previous posts from when we broke up because of the email incident. I forgot the amount anxiety I had about reconnecting. Remember I've been on both sides of the spectrum now in terms of being dumped and the dumper. After re-reading I see how there are alot of similarities in this time and the last, so I can somewhat understand what he feels about this...that is if he still has feelings for me. I know how difficult it is to muster up the courage to reach out not knowing the reaction you will receive. When he contacted me after the email incident, I was very cold. I wasn't open to talking much at first. I was waiting for him to be more direct. The first couple of times he sent a text completely irrelevant to anything that happened, I made it safe for him to communicate, but was still distant. Then finally when he poured his feelings and blatantly said, "I need you", I still did not reciprocate. It was only after some time, I decided to take a chance and tell him that I missed him and was thinking about him. Once I was straightforward about what I felt and wanted, he opened up and we reconciled shortly after that. It's important to note that it took movement on both sides. This time the roles have completely reversed. I have made contact to apologize and he is being cold and distant. He doesn't seem to be open to talking and of course I am thinking the worst, like he doesn't want anything to do with me or that maybe he is seeing someone new.

 

I also agree that he was mirroring what I said. He just went along with what I said and never responded to my second text and maybe he was hoping I wasn't so passive. My second text was totally full of bs and I'm sure he can see right through that. I honestly feel stupid. The objective of my text was not only to apologize, but to see if he was open to talking and I didn't convey that at all. As you said, I am trying to behave as though I am cool and over everything when that is far from the case. I texted with ipad info and I was absolutely using that as an excuse to reach out. I fear he will tell me he is firm about his decision to end the relationship. It's as if I am looking for little clues or some indication that it is ok for me to proceed.

 

You are also correct that he did want this to work when we reconciled previously. I was not able to move past the issues because I didn't feel like there was proper communication about it. My bad behavior followed and then you know what happened from there. The way I see it, this was all cause and effect and I know ultimately changes needed to start with me. I definitely have alot to do with why our relationship did not improve and I think if I put myself in his shoes, I would be left with no choice to end the relationship even if I didn't want to. He's not wrong for not wanting to try again. It just wasn't working because neither of us were making changes. I think you have a good understanding of what happened between us.

 

You mentioned that you took the same approach with your ex when he made contact. You were cold...was he direct about his feelings? What prevented you both from moving toward reconciliation? I don't have a problem telling him how I feel, but I just wish I got some sort of green light from him. He responded yes, but I found his response to be aloof. He was cold and didn't want to elaborate, just mirroring what I said. To me, that says he is not interested in entertaining any further communication.

 

I have had issues with trust in the past prior to this relationship. I think every relationship Ive ever had, I had trust issues for no appearant reason until I made something happen to have reason (if that makes sense...self fulfilled prophecies). I went into this relationship skeptical and not trusting him as I should have. He has made some mistakes, but he has been very transparent with me..more than any man I've ever met. I have pushed him away and this time it looks like permanently. I carry a lot of guilt for the sabotaging I've done, but I've learned alot and I think I am in a better position now to have a healthier relationship. I am aware of what my problem is and I am willing to genuinely put the past in the past and move forward. Unfortunately, it may be too late. He doesn't seem interested anymore and I'm very scared to push. This has happened in the past, time will just continue to pass until one of us comes forward. I honestly feel that he is not interested in talking based on his text, so it's going to be really hard for me to make any sort of movement again.

 

I am going sit on everything for a few days. I need to let my emotions settle because I'm not seeing things very clearly. I'll be meeting with my therapist on Tuesday. I want to have a good talk with him about these recent events. He had no idea I reached out.

[Ksol9]

To lostlove, just wanted to say hi. I am not sure if you're around, but I hope you are feeling better.

[jmb]

I'll respond in more detail later, I'm curious if you feel better having written him or are you Now more confused....I get the impression it has helped you somewhat.

[Ksol9]

I'll respond in more detail later, I'm curious if you feel better having written him or are you Now more confused....I get the impression it has helped you somewhat.

 

I feel wayy better now that I have reached out. I have been thinking more about how he must have felt during the relationship and why he had to end it as I wasn't able to see that before. I was so consumed with trivial things he was doing wrong, him abandoning me, and how it made me feel. These past few days I am seeing things from a different perspective I guess and I am being more understanding as you suggested in one of your previous posts. I was so angry this entire time. So much anger. I still want to reconcile, but I am not sure if that is possible especially since the little bit of contact I had with him indicated he wasn't too interested in talking. Either way, I feel better that I was able to apologize and that he acknowledged that what happened was wrong. I think apologizing was necessary above all else as I do realize how much I pushed him. I don't really know what to do from this point forward. I'm cringing at the thought of contacting again without any knowledge whatsoever about how he is feeling. For now, as you said, I am going to just breathe.

[Ksol9]

I just need to get all these thoughts out of my head. I've been doing a great deal of thinking about this little bit of communication we had yesterday. I know I may go back and forth with this but I'm thinking its best I leave this alone. You can't force anything in this life. That statement keeps replaying in my head. I reached out and he was so cold. There could be all sorts of reasons for that..good and bad. I found myself feeling very guilty for everything that happened in the relationship and I don't think that is right. Why should I take full responsibility? I know he feels like I treated him badly. He may even feel like I am a toxic person. I just get the feeling he doesn't want me in his life. I think it's best I keep my distance. I made the first step by reaching out and nothing became of it. With that being said, I know I may never hear from him again.

 

Many of you know I still monitor his social media activity. Early this morning he posted a photo of his cup of tea and the bottle of honey next to it. The caption read "Good morning! Now go get yourself some church!" He's overly happy. I haven't seen a positive post like that since the breakup. His mood obviously took a turn. He has also been liking and following pages of different women today. Another post was a meme of a man holding a naked woman over his shoulder. The meme stated...walk out with her like this in 2017. Go get the love of your life. Again, unusual for him to post things like this. He has mainly family on there and I would think that would be disrespectful to his elders. He's never posted something like that. Somehow he found that funny. What do all these things tell you? There is no intention of working things out with me. If it was, he would have used the opportunity to respond to my message. He doesn't want this relationship. He's still looking around and playing the field. It is safest for me to take a step back and leave this situation alone.

 

It has been over 2 months since we broke up. There hasn't been a day that I haven't shed tears for this man. There isn't anything I can say to change the course of this thing. No matter the underlying problems behind it, this was his decision to end the relationship. Truthfully, I feel that it is over. He isn't going to reconsider this time. I don't regret contacting him yesterday...not one bit. There are a lot of things I should have said regarding my true feelings but I can't find it in myself to be so vulnerable right now. I honestly feel better that I apologized and now he knows the door to communication is open. For right now, I'm going to try my best to refocus myself on the road I am on. It's a painful one, but I have to find the strength to keep going. He's not turning this around. I love him very much, but I have to let him go.

 

Monday Pilates. Tuesday therapy. Have a great night everyone. Wishing you all a smooth and productive week! Goodnight.

[Nina95]

Ksol stay strong and positive. I agree with you, forcing things dont make things happen, learning to relax into your life does.

 

Reflect to see the patterns. Learn to see when something is not working for you and work your strength to be able to walk away from it.

 

Life is a balance between grace and effort. You need to put forth the effort to achieve anything in life, but you also need to be able to abandon efforts when the results continually prove undesirable.

 

The more you push on this, through your actions and mindset, it will debilitate that strength that you build elsewhere. Don’t force this any longer. If it isn’t working and it hasn't, back off and look at it from another perspective. Are you more interested in being right or doing the right thing? I think you know what the right thing for you is long term, you have seen it, you have said in moments of clarity throughout this thread. This isn't right.

 

And in fact we don’t always know what is right for us. Stepping back can assure us of the opportunity to get a clear perspective. Stepping back however might not be possible when your mind remains hung up, hung up on wondering now that you have taken the first step, on whether he will reach out back again.

 

I know you were happy and at peace with your decision in the hours after contact. I can only hope this doesn't set you back on either outcome, whether he reaches out again or not. I'd be weary even if he does.

 

Good night to you, relax into your sleep... Have a great week as well!

[Ksol9]

Thank you for your encouragement lovenc. As usual, you have some very wise advice and I value it very much.

 

I've read your post twice and will read it again in the morning. It will serve as a reminder as my emotions shift and cycle it's way back around.

[jmb]

Ksol-

I really encourage you to stop looking at his FB page, this is not a good thing for you to be doing. It is "crazy making", you would honestly be better off just asking him how he feels about you, as what you read is all up to your interpretation of what you read, posts he likes etc. Unless you see a post of him with another woman or him point blank saying he hates you, you are just assuming what he is thinking. As I mentioned in an earlier reply to you about FB, if you look at my page, you see happy pictures, me traveling, being social, "loving" life. This is all BS to some extent. You looking at his page to see his mindset is not going to help you at all. It's your overthinking and anxiety again. Sweetheart, you are trying to read his mind and it is not helping you. The reason I suggested originally that you contact him was to help you get answers and to help you move on either way. If he point blank told you "I am done with you" although that would really hurt. Don't you think it would help you move on faster? Because right now all you are doing is wondering, waiting, wishing.

I just hope you can make a decision to actually move on and close the door or find the courage to ask him what he feels. Otherwise you are just in LIMBO

[Ksol9]

Ksol-

I really encourage you to stop looking at his FB page, this is not a good thing for you to be doing. It is "crazy making", you would honestly be better off just asking him how he feels about you, as what you read is all up to your interpretation of what you read, posts he likes etc. Unless you see a post of him with another woman or him point blank saying he hates you, you are just assuming what he is thinking. As I mentioned in an earlier reply to you about FB, if you look at my page, you see happy pictures, me traveling, being social, "loving" life. This is all BS to some extent. You looking at his page to see his mindset is not going to help you at all. It's your overthinking and anxiety again. Sweetheart, you are trying to read his mind and it is not helping you. The reason I suggested originally that you contact him was to help you get answers and to help you move on either way. If he point blank told you "I am done with you" although that would really hurt. Don't you think it would help you move on faster? Because right now all you are doing is wondering, waiting, wishing.

I just hope you can make a decision to actually move on and close the door or find the courage to ask him what he feels. Otherwise you are just in LIMBO

 

You're absolutely right about everything you said here. I actually reactivated my Facebook last night. It has been deactivated for months. I have been accessing Facebook using a friend's account. I posted a photo of myself and another of some art i saw at a gallery when I was in Miami. I tagged the location. I got tons of likes and comments. I responded to my comments very enthusiastically. I thought to myself, if anyone sees my page, they would totally think I'm happy and loving life. Total bs. Even more so by the comments and conversations I was having. I immediately thought about what you told me. No one has a clue of the suffering I'm in and there's no way for anyone to get an indication of how I'm feeling unless I post something in regards to my sadness. I do agree with you that it is causing me to overthink and the anxiety it creates is not based on facts. It's all speculation.

 

I still feel he didn't respond to me because he no longer wants the relationship. I have not made up my mind if I want to reach out again, but I do feel it is safest to leave it alone. I do think what you are saying makes perfect sense and I do think it would help me move on faster, but I don't know if I can gather the courage to do it or if it would even be wise.. He didn't even respond to the second message. I think even if I was to ask him how he feels about the situation, I still think he would avoid or not even respond.

After both previous break ups, I was cold and distant when he finally reached out to me.... just like how he responded to me. Little did he know I was dying for him to contact me. I just wanted him to be more direct and I wanted to know that things would change. He persisted and then I finally opened up. That could very well be the case or it could very well not be the case. As you said, until something changes, I will continue to be in limbo. That is torture I tell you. Self inflicted torture. It is sheer torture. I still feel, if he was interested in reconciling, there would be more dialogue. As it is right now, not responding is a response.

 

I need to sit with my thoughts and let everything settle. Emotionally I am spent. I slept about 4 hours total last night. I don't know what happened but I couldn't fall asleep. Needless to say, I feel like a zombie today...from another planet. I'm gong to go home to take a nap and then head to Pilates this evening.

 

Hope you are all enjoying your day!

[Ksol9]

He contacted me tonight. I went to pilates and was on the verge of tears. I was angry with him all day. By the time I had to go to pilates, the anger turned to tears. I was fighting it the entire time. I even felt like throwing up throughout the workout and to be honest, I kept pushing myself because I would rather feel sick than the pain I felt from losing him. When I left, I sat in my car and cried. I just had to let it out. My workout class is on the island so I stopped by the bridge and parked near the water. It was windy. I stood outside crying so hard, I was sobbing asking God to take this pain away from me..that I couldn't take it anymore. I was in so much pain. Then afterwards, I drove back into town. I got some fast food and parked in the parking lot. I wanted to let my emotions settle before I went home so my parents wouldn't notice. I looked down at my phone and didn't even hear the text come through. I had to look twice. It was from him.

 

He asked how my sister and parents were doing. I responded and we carried on some light conversation for a while. We were texting for a few hours back and forth just catching up. He said everywhere he went, everything reminded him of me. He went out of town for work and they did work near my college and he said he kept thinking about me. He even asked me to come over. I jokingly said hes moving too fast and that we should at least get to know eachother. I just wished him goodnight a little while ago. We had very light and effortless conversation. I didnt want to get into anything too serious tonight. I need to let this settle in.

 

I need to have a serious conversation with him. I want him to know how much pain I've been in. This doesn't take it away. I've been through so much in the past 2 months plus. I don't even know where to start. Everything that we have been discussing here on the thread has been running through my mind. Thankfully, I have therapy tomorrow and will get to talk with my therapist about it tomorrow. I don't want to get too ahead of myself here. I don't know where this will lead, but I need to breathe and do this the right way this time. No more rushing anything. God I've waited for this for so long.

 

I bet when I contacted him on Saturday, he was hoping I would take the lead. I was too scared of course, but I bet he was in the same shoes I was in from the previous breakups. He didn't respond and then he noticed I reactivated my facebook (he told me this). I'm almost certain he thought I wouldn't contact him again and would just move on and that's why he contacted me. I guess I'll get more details about it later on. Trying not to get too far ahead. I'm exhausted and I feel like I can finally breathe. I need sleep.

 

JMB, I want to thank you for walking me through things that past few days. If I didn't contact him on Saturday, I don't think any of this would have happened. You were absolutely right, I need to have a direct and straightforward conversation with him so we can move on together or I can move on alone. Thank you for everything.

 

I'm very thankful to everyone else who has invested themselves in my story. I am nowhere near out of the dark and I want to continue on this path that I have built for myself, I'm just hoping I'll have him next to me.

 

Lostlove, I hope you're doing ok. I haven't heard from you in a while, but I understand sometimes you need to sit back and recharge. I'm hoping you've been reading along. You were the first person I wanted to run to tell that him and I spoke this evening. When you are feeling up to it, stop by to say hi. Miss chatting with you and hope that things are going ok on your end.

 

Goodnight everyone.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. Congrats on the communication with him! I've been reading along, but lost the energy to write anything. Last time I wrote was about some of the stuff I've been thinking and feeling and wondering about, and it kind of went unacknowledged. I hope that doesn't sound petty, but it was just something I noticed and I decided to just take some time to focus on my own stuff for a while. I'm happy for you, though, and hope this will bring you some relief now that you've spoken with him.

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. Congrats on the communication with him! I've been reading along, but lost the energy to write anything. Last time I wrote was about some of the stuff I've been thinking and feeling and wondering about, and it kind of went unacknowledged. I hope that doesn't sound petty, but it was just something I noticed and I decided to just take some time to focus on my own stuff for a while. I'm happy for you, though, and hope this will bring you some relief now that you've spoken with him.

 

 

Oh I'm so sorry for not responding. I did read it and wanted to respond but I've been going through so much emotionally that I was so caught up in it. I feel terrible because regardless of what you have been going through you have always put it aside to help me through any issues I was going through. I think that alone should be acknowledged. I would like to take the time to go back and respond. I will do that later today. I know each and everyone one of us are dealing with our own struggles and it is important to put yourself first and foremost especially when dealing with your emotional health, so I understand the need to step back. Thank you for bringing this to my attention because in the midst of everything going on in my life, I didn't mean to make it seem as though I forgot about you and all that you are going through. I have always told you that I am very granteful for all that you've done for me and I will never forget that. youve been following my story and helping me along the way for quite some time now. It has been a very bumpy year of back and forths and you've been helping me every step of the way. I should be able to return the favor.

 

I do hope you are well and I hope you are not experiencing any symptoms of the panick attack since. I'm not too sure how that stuff works, but I've had an anxiety attack once and I remember it being torturous. Maybe they are the same thing. I'm not too knowledgeable about that. Either way, I hope you've been able to stabilize since. I have therapy at 12 and then illl be home for the rest of the day. I'll be back later to chat. Hope you have a wonderful day.

[jmb]

Ksol-

Well, this is a turn of events now isn't it??? How quickly things can evolve.

I hope your therapist is able to give you some assistance on how to processes and proceed with the communication from him. I would obviously be cautious but also optimistic. This time, different from the last, I believe you really need to take your time with working on yourself and your anxiety. The anxiety will squash any chance you have for a reconciliation if you allow it to rear it's ugly little head. I do think it is important for you to convey to him your feelings of how hurt you have been but try to not necessarily place the blame on him. Be open to listening to him and figure out how to forgive. it should be a one time conversation and then attempt to move past the resentment you have. If you do not do this, you run the chances of sitting here in devastation all over again. I know you are just at the beginning stages of reconnecting with him so try not to put the cart before the horse.

I am sincerely happy for you. I am glad he contacted and that you are on speaking terms now!! I am glad you took the chance to reach out to him

Looking forward to hearing how this goes between you two

[lostlove76]

Oh I'm so sorry for not responding. I did read it and wanted to respond but I've been going through so much emotionally that I was so caught up in it. I feel terrible because regardless of what you have been going through you have always put it aside to help me through any issues I was going through. I think that alone should be acknowledged. I would like to take the time to go back and respond. I will do that later today. I know each and everyone one of us are dealing with our own struggles and it is important to put yourself first and foremost especially when dealing with your emotional health, so I understand the need to step back. Thank you for bringing this to my attention because in the midst of everything going on in my life, I didn't mean to make it seem as though I forgot about you and all that you are going through. I have always told you that I am very granteful for all that you've done for me and I will never forget that. youve been following my story and helping me along the way for quite some time now. It has been a very bumpy year of back and forths and you've been helping me every step of the way. I should be able to return the favor.

 

I do hope you are well and I hope you are not experiencing any symptoms of the panick attack since. I'm not too sure how that stuff works, but I've had an anxiety attack once and I remember it being torturous. Maybe they are the same thing. I'm not too knowledgeable about that. Either way, I hope you've been able to stabilize since. I have therapy at 12 and then illl be home for the rest of the day. I'll be back later to chat. Hope you have a wonderful day.

 

Thank you for understanding. I do understand being so caught up in your own stuff that you can't focus on anything else, because it's usually a huge struggle for me to step outside of my own, as well. I appreciate you wanting to go back and reply to reply to my last post, but it's mostly irrelevant by now, because I did end up looking and they are still in a relationship. I think I just need to take some time to put myself first, at least until I get over this hump with all the anxiety. I'll still read along as you update, and will write again when I'm ready. I know that others will continue to be here to help you through this new phase. I'm happy for you that this finally took a turn for the better, and I wish you nothing but good things going forward. I don't mean to make it sound as if I'm leaving for good; I just need to take a break. We'll talk again soon!

[Ksol9]

Thank you for understanding. I do understand being so caught up in your own stuff that you can't focus on anything else, because it's usually a huge struggle for me to step outside of my own, as well. I appreciate you wanting to go back and reply to reply to my last post, but it's mostly irrelevant by now, because I did end up looking and they are still in a relationship. I think I just need to take some time to put myself first, at least until I get over this hump with all the anxiety. I'll still read along as you update, and will write again when I'm ready. I know that others will continue to be here to help you through this new phase. I'm happy for you that this finally took a turn for the better, and I wish you nothing but good things going forward. I don't mean to make it sound as if I'm leaving for good; I just need to take a break. We'll talk again soon!

 

 

I understand lostlove. I know how you are feeling. I can hear the tone in your post and I'm sorry you are experiencing this anxiety. The most important thing you said in your post was that you thought you needed to take some time to put yourself first. There are many days where I feel like I can't even keep my head above water, but I have to keep reminding myself that I have to put myself first or else I will drown. You just have to take it day by day. It's the hardest thing to feel like you have no control over what is going on. It's the biggest disappointment and it feels like you are helpless, but there are better days ahead...as cliche as it sounds. I don't know of a better way to explain it, but it's very challenging. I think you are doing the right thing. Once you are able to see the smoke clearing from the anxiety, then you will be able to resurface. Be patient with yourself. This is such a long road, but I know you will get through this. You are so much stronger than me. I don't think you should put too much pressure on yourself. Sometimes doing nothing at all for a little while is the best remedy until you are able to think and feel better. At that time you can start to think about what steps you want to take, big or small.

 

I always love to hear from you. Even if it's just a short post to say how your day is going. Write a little or as much as you want. Remember this is a safe place for you to share your feelings. Take care and we will chat again soon.

[Ksol9]

Ksol-

Well, this is a turn of events now isn't it??? How quickly things can evolve.

I hope your therapist is able to give you some assistance on how to processes and proceed with the communication from him. I would obviously be cautious but also optimistic. This time, different from the last, I believe you really need to take your time with working on yourself and your anxiety. The anxiety will squash any chance you have for a reconciliation if you allow it to rear it's ugly little head. I do think it is important for you to convey to him your feelings of how hurt you have been but try to not necessarily place the blame on him. Be open to listening to him and figure out how to forgive. it should be a one time conversation and then attempt to move past the resentment you have. If you do not do this, you run the chances of sitting here in devastation all over again. I know you are just at the beginning stages of reconnecting with him so try not to put the cart before the horse.

I am sincerely happy for you. I am glad he contacted and that you are on speaking terms now!! I am glad you took the chance to reach out to him

Looking forward to hearing how this goes between you two

 

Yes, it's certainly a turn of events. This would not have happened had I not sent the text on Saturday. I was not expecting to hear from him again at all. I honestly thought he was so cold because he didn't want anything to do with me. You explained it perfectly. I am cautious, but optimistic. I am not trying to think too far ahead. I think you've given me some great advice. It is along the lines of what I was thinking in terms of reconciliation. I want to take this thing very slow and steady because I don't want to lose myself as I did before. I need to be able to maintain some sort of control over myself and my emotions. It's so important that I stick to my current course. I could be talking way ahead of myself here because I don't know where this is going or if he is even thinking of getting back together. He could have just been wanting to see how everything was going. He did ask me to come over and as I declined he may have realized I am not going to brush things under the rug as we did the other times. Working on myself and not allowing myself to be overcome with anxiety is the most important thing right now. I think once I sense a bit of anxiety, I need to sit with myself and explore why I am feeling that way and then go from there. This has to be a slow process and it has to be what I want. I can't allow myself to just go along with what he wants....that will only cause me to neglect myself again. I just dont even know where to start and at this point I am not forcing any sort of conversation with him. Just hoping it will flow naturally and when the opportunity arises, we will discuss where we want this thing to go. I don't want to start spending time with him until I know we are on the same page.

 

I want to let him know how hurt I have been. I'm sure he was hurt also. We both need to be able to understand eachother. My biggest concern is that he feels it was ok to walk out when things got rough. I want to know he understand this on and off cycle has to be broken. I of course do not blame him entirely for his decision. I hope that I am able to communicate my feelings properly. We've had alot of trouble with communication in the past, but something tells me this time will be much different as I am not able to settle for that anymore. I also agree that this should be a one time conversation and then I need to be able to bury it and move forward. Resentment is another huge concern because it played a major role previously.

 

We have not spoken today. He has not contacted me and I am not going to push for any communication. I wanted to meet with my therapist before proceeding with anything. My therapist gave me one piece of advice. He said...at any time you feel things are not going in the direction YOU want it to, you can put a stop to it. He said to keep my distance and only proceed with meeting him when we have spoken about where we want things to go. It seems so black and white and I am trying not to put too much pressure on myself. I'm just trying to remain calm and just go with the flow right now. No pressure on either side. Our first conversation in two months was just last night. It was effortless and light. I was smiling the whole time. The real test is getting this conversation we need to have out of the way. I need to be able to remember to address everything in one conversation and then move forward. I have had trouble with this in the past. I am known for dragging and dwelling on things for far too long. I think I have not heard from him today because he is getting his thoughts together. He knows we will have to have a serious talk before proceeding. Or maybe he's not really interested in anything further. I'm not sure. For now, I'm just going to breathe deeply and get some much needed rest.

 

Sometimes, I feel like we have failed so many times that I am a fool to be even thinking of trying this with him again. Am I even capable? I am at a new place in my life. I completely understand what I need to change and how important it is to take care of myself first (another thing my therapist pointed out). I feel that if I keep those things into consideration, then we have a chance at succeeding this time. Am I wrong to have this hope? Am I wrong to think that if we both work hard at change, that we can make it? I believe in love...am I being naive?

[lostlove76]

I understand lostlove. I know how you are feeling. I can hear the tone in your post and I'm sorry you are experiencing this anxiety. The most important thing you said in your post was that you thought you needed to take some time to put yourself first. There are many days where I feel like I can't even keep my head above water, but I have to keep reminding myself that I have to put myself first or else I will drown. You just have to take it day by day. It's the hardest thing to feel like you have no control over what is going on. It's the biggest disappointment and it feels like you are helpless, but there are better days ahead...as cliche as it sounds. I don't know of a better way to explain it, but it's very challenging. I think you are doing the right thing. Once you are able to see the smoke clearing from the anxiety, then you will be able to resurface. Be patient with yourself. This is such a long road, but I know you will get through this. You are so much stronger than me. I don't think you should put too much pressure on yourself. Sometimes doing nothing at all for a little while is the best remedy until you are able to think and feel better. At that time you can start to think about what steps you want to take, big or small.

 

I always love to hear from you. Even if it's just a short post to say how your day is going. Write a little or as much as you want. Remember this is a safe place for you to share your feelings. Take care and we will chat again soon.

 

Thank you ksol

[Ksol9]

Thank you ksol

 

 

This is great to hear lostlove. Remember one step in the right direction is better than no steps and it doesn't matter how long you take just as long as you are moving at your own pace. A pace that you are comfortable with. I remember you saying that the medication has helped you quite a bit in the past so you know this will help your mood. I'm happy for you and I hope this will bring some changes even if it's just you being able to smile more. You're so right that living with anxiety is no way to live. I think that it's such a daily struggle to keep the anxiety under control and if you are able to eliminate it, you will then be able to focus on other productive things. I know you said you received a raise at work. All those things are motivators to continue to do your best. Just like others have said here lately, you have made a lot of progress lately and I'm really proud of you.

 

Hope you have a wonderful day today. Hugs.

[Ksol9]

Yesterday was the first day that I felt a little bit at ease. It was also the first day I didn't cry over him. I took full advantage. I spent the afternoon relaxing. I took a nap. I went to bed early and actually slept well. He hasn't contacted me. It crosssed my mind that he was just texting to catch up. We didn't talk about the break up or our feelings. I also thought that maybe he hasn't contacted because there's someone else. Maybe I should stay away becaise that could get messy. Of course I'm thinking both ways. Either way I used the day to think things through. I have a clear idea of how I want this to go and what I want. I'm not thinking of rushing back in. If he really loves me, he isn't going anywhere. I'm just taking my time and I'm not rushing myself. I'm not rushing him either. I remember things having a slow start last time. I don't know what going to happen and if I should contact again in a few days or if I should wait for him.

 

I plan on investing a little more time at work today since a little weight has been lifted off my chest. I'm able to focus better. I'm still worrying about where things are going, but I want to make other things a priority for now. I'm trying not to let anxiety take over me. I have faith everthing will fall into place. I'll take care of that when the time is right. I actually wrote down some notes on things we need to address, so I'm fully prepared if/when we talk about reconciliation.

[Ksol9]

It's been a few days since him and I spoke. I haven't heard from him since. I'm starting to think that maybe he was just texting to say hi and to catch up with what is going on in our lives, nothing more. I feel like I can't see clearly. I feel like I'm in a bubble and I can't see what's going on. I feel like this is happening because I haven't been straightforward with any of my feelings during any interaction I've had with him. Call me blind but I can't tell if he wants to go further or not and I'm scared. I don't know if I should reach out and get to the point or wait for another text. Do I sit and be patient or do initiate more conversation with him? Im afraid he doesn't really care.

 

I've been thinking a lot about our situation. Do I want to try again? Do I want to trust....am I even able to? Can I put the past I the past? Can we work together this time? I've decided this is what I want. I want to try. I'm on a new path in my life. I still have this feeling deep down inside that we can improve. The problem is, I don't know how to get this thing going. This same exact thing happened previously. He would reach out. I would be distant..waiting for him to be direct and that he wanted to get back together. I haven't told him I missed him or that I've been thinking about him. I haven't said anything about getting back together. Only that I apologize for everything I said. He asked me to come over and I declined saying maybe another day. I didn't want to run back over there and wanted to talk more about everything before doing so. That hasn't happened. We are both frozen. I don't have a problem reaching out to be more direct, but I don't know if that is what I should do at this point. Maybe I should wait.

 

Have a great day everyone!