Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. Just wanted to check in and say hi. I haven't been able to find the energy to write anything. My aunt died a couple days ago; she had been ill for a while, so it wasn't unexpected, but everything is just depressing right now. There have been a lot of deaths close to my family lately - 3 in the past two weeks. It makes me worry about life and death and illness, and losing my parents one day, and my own health because I don't really take good care of myself.

 

I'll try to write tonight or some time this weekend. I hope you're doing okay. Talk soon

 

My condolences lostlove. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time right now. That is a lot to be experiencing in such a short span of time. I also know how it would trigger some worry about your own health and those closest to you, your parents. I remember one of my aunts telling me this when one of my uncles passed away due to a car accident. She said..death is apart of life and its just one of those things you can not question. There is a plan for each of us here on this earth and though we may not always know our purpose, we must always be careful and take care of ourselves along the way.. I always remember what she told me that day. I also empathize with your use of the word "energy". When we are faced with hard times, it's so hard to find the energy to continue as usual throughout our days. I hope that you find peace in the next few days. Spend time with your family and write whenever you feel the need to. I'm here to lend an ear and to offer support. .

 

I too have been feeling like I don't have any energy. I woke up this morning feeling really strange..like I have the world of emotions on my chest. I can feel that all of it will surface soon. I am hopeless and I just want to move on with my life. I don't want him to plague me anymore. It's just too much pain and as of recently, it feels unbearable. There hasn't been a day that I haven't shed tears for him and right now I am feeling like he does not deserve a single more. I remember the text he sent saying he wished things never went anywhere between us. I am remembering him sending that email knowing he had intentions of sleeping with her had she went over there. I granted him his wish and i am making sure it continues to come true. He's not a nice person. He has hurt me so badly. I saw him like a status written by the wife of one of his good friends. She posted, "never lose faith, god is the real deal. The answer to your prayer is coming". Go figure. All that he was wishing for has come true. He wanted to focus on his career and he wanted me gone. I've never seen someone so lucky. The weather here is also not helping. There is an overcast and it's windy so it's rather depressing. I feel very depressed today. I haven't slept much in days and I have a lot of anxiety. Sorry I'm rambling. I need strength right now..I really do.

 

I know things are not going well for you and your family right now with these recent passings. It's not just something to say, but there are brighter days ahead. Things like this teach us to appreciate the life we are given and the loved ones we have to share it with. Life is so fragile. Thank you for checking in and I hope that you enjoy the rest of your day. Keep your chin up my friend. Take care.

[UnchainedSoul]

My condolences lostlove. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time right now. That is a lot to be experiencing in such a short span of time. I also know how it would trigger some worry about your own health and those closest to you, your parents. I remember one of my aunts telling me this when one of my uncles passed away due to a car accident. She said..death is apart of life and its just one of those things you can not question. There is a plan for each of us here on this earth and though we may not always know our purpose, we must always be careful and take care of ourselves along the way.. I always remember what she told me that day. I also empathize with your use of the word "energy". When we are faced with hard times, it's so hard to find the energy to continue as usual throughout our days. I hope that you find peace in the next few days. Spend time with your family and write whenever you feel the need to. I'm here to lend an ear and to offer support. .

 

I too have been feeling like I don't have any energy. I woke up this morning feeling really strange..like I have the world of emotions on my chest. I can feel that all of it will surface soon. I am hopeless and I just want to move on with my life. I don't want him to plague me anymore. It's just too much pain and as of recently, it feels unbearable. There hasn't been a day that I haven't shed tears for him and right now I am feeling like he does not deserve a single more. I remember the text he sent saying he wished things never went anywhere between us. I am remembering him sending that email knowing he had intentions of sleeping with her had she went over there. I granted him his wish and i am making sure it continues to come true. He's not a nice person. He has hurt me so badly. I saw him like a status written by the wife of one of his good friends. She posted, "never lose faith, god is the real deal. The answer to your prayer is coming". Go figure. All that he was wishing for has come true. He wanted to focus on his career and he wanted me gone. I've never seen someone so lucky. The weather here is also not helping. There is an overcast and it's windy so it's rather depressing. I feel very depressed today. I haven't slept much in days and I have a lot of anxiety. Sorry I'm rambling. I need strength right now..I really do.

 

I know things are not going well for you and your family right now with these recent passings. It's not just something to say, but there are brighter days ahead. Things like this teach us to appreciate the life we are given and the loved ones we have to share it with. Life is so fragile. Thank you for checking in and I hope that you enjoy the rest of your day. Keep your chin up my friend. Take care.

 

Hello there Ksol! I just wanted to let you know I have been watching your journey (as well as lostlove's) over the past few weeks and I have to say you ladies have come a long way since you started posting on this thread. I just wanted to give credit where credit was due and say that even though you are still hurting, you have done the best things for yourself over the past few weeks. The Pilates, the therapy and now a trip to get away for a while in seclusion would work wonders. I have been following your journey and hovering in the background cheering you on as you hit these milestones. It's a hard long journey I know, and I wish you prayers that your heart will heal.

 

It's good to keep in mind that it will heal. He is going through his own things, and even though you think he wanted you gone and he got everything he wished for, that might not be the case. But, thinking about what he is thinking is just going to put you in an endless loops of "what ifs" and I know you can't handle that right now on top of everything else. So just stay strong and do what you were doing. As time passes, you will only get stronger. I wish you all the best on your journey, as you have come so far already. Good luck to you, and I am still reading your posts, praying silently in the background for the two of you. Lots of love

 

 

Hi ksol. Just wanted to check in and say hi. I haven't been able to find the energy to write anything. My aunt died a couple days ago; she had been ill for a while, so it wasn't unexpected, but everything is just depressing right now. There have been a lot of deaths close to my family lately - 3 in the past two weeks. It makes me worry about life and death and illness, and losing my parents one day, and my own health because I don't really take good care of myself.

 

I'll try to write tonight or some time this weekend. I hope you're doing okay. Talk soon

 

I just wanted to express my sincere condolences to you lostlove. I know this is a hard time, as I too think of my parent's health and my health as time passes. You will get through this. Also congratulations on staying off their Facebook pages as I know that takes a lot of courage on your part. I have been reading and keeping tabs on you and Ksol, and I just want to say both you ladies have come so far in the past few weeks. I just wanted to post something positive and tell you both that you are moving in the right direction. All my love and prayers for you during this difficult time.

[UnchainedSoul]

Also as a sidenote, I logged on Facebook for the first time in which feels like ages. I messaged someone who was online that i know would message me back right away. So just because they are online doesn't mean they are active or they are talking to anyone. Just an FYI. I could be wrong though. Just thought I would share that since I noticed it. I have since deactivated back my Facebook so I could be completely mistaken.

[boltnrun]

I have three devices linked to Facebook messenger. If ANY of those devices is powered on it says I'm active on messenger even when I'm not.

 

I've found messages that are hours and even days old because I don't carry my phone on me at all times.

[Ksol9]

Hello there Ksol! I just wanted to let you know I have been watching your journey (as well as lostlove's) over the past few weeks and I have to say you ladies have come a long way since you started posting on this thread. I just wanted to give credit where credit was due and say that even though you are still hurting, you have done the best things for yourself over the past few weeks. The Pilates, the therapy and now a trip to get away for a while in seclusion would work wonders. I have been following your journey and hovering in the background cheering you on as you hit these milestones. It's a hard long journey I know, and I wish you prayers that your heart will heal.

 

Hi Unchained! So very nice to hear from you! How is everything with you? Thank you very much for the positive reinforcement. You have no idea how much that helps. I have been making steps forward and then there are some days where I will take a few steps back, so I beat myself up quite a bit sometimes because it feels like I am getting nowhere fast. I'm in a lot of pain, but I know my only choice is to keep moving on because at least I will have a chance at happiness somewhere along the way.

 

Thank you for your support. Hope you are well.

[Ksol9]

Happy Saturday everyone!

 

Self confidence. Who would of thought its such a prized possession. I know I sound silly, but I didn't know how much the success in every area of your life depends on it. Maybe I never had anyone to model that for me or maybe I just lack common sense. I'm now learning this just shy of 33 years old.

 

I've been walking around with this broken heart, but I noticed the past few days I've been getting stopped by men. They'll stop and compliment me...saying you're beautiful. It must be the smile on my face. They don't know the shredded heart I have in my chest. They'll ask if I'm married and I'll reply no but that I'm in a relationship to end any further conversation. It feels nice to be complimented by someone. It's just a reminder that if I wanted to get back out there, I've still got it and no matter how complicated I am, there is a man out there who will gladly take those complications with a light heart. The only problem is I don't want anyone, but him. They're not him. And because I can't be with him, I don't want to be with anyone else...for now. I'm building this relationship with myself.

 

I know I might never hear from him again, but he should have known everything he had to lose before he let me go. I'm learning and I'm maturing. I'm never going back to being the person I was with him. That weak woman is going to be gone soon. I'm going to be someone's everything. I'm nowhere close to being over him. Anytime I close my eyes, he's there, but there's nothing I can do. There's nothing in this life you can force. I don't know how to get him off my mind, but Im trying to accept that he's going to be there for a while. I better get used to it.

 

I'm out of town for the weekend. Going to spend it alone. I'm sitting in my car eating a quick bite in the parking lot before i do some damage in the mall. Going to update my wardrobe and buy my mother something special for her birthday. I wish and pray every moment that it was him I was sharing my days with but this isn't what he wants.

 

Lostlove, I hope you're hanging in there. Thinking of you...

 

Have a great weekend everyone!

[Ksol9]

I get terribly worried when this anger makes its way back around again because I know soon after a breakdown will follow. I know there's no way to avoid it, but I know it's coming. I woke up feeling a lot of anger toward him. Like I can't stand him type of anger. The type of anger that I wouldn't mind carrying because he's the last person I want to see. Just angry at him for picking up and walking away like I meant nothing. How do you do that to someone you shared a life with? The only way I see that is possible was only if it was all a lie and if you only wanted that person there for some sort of purpose. For that I'm angry with him.

 

At this point, after the amount of time that has passed, I don't think I'll hear from him. It feels like he forgot about me completely. It feels like I could never forgive him for doing this to me. As soon as I got to the office this morning. I sat at the computer and I thought to myself, "I'm not ok. Things just don't feel right." Something inside feels so unsettled. I don't know how to make peace with it, to accept that I'll never hear from him again. Sometimes it feels like that life I had never existed. It feels like a distant memory. I want to go somewhere to hide for the next few months. I don't want to come out until this is completely gone. It feels like a state of emergency on the inside. On the outside, no one knows a third of what I'm going through. I still can't believe he did this to me. Maybe by now he is seeing someone new or maybe he is so consumed with work he doesn't have time to think about me..either way I think he has forgotten about me. He simply doesn't care about me and probably never did. I can't comprehend how he could get up and never speak a word to me like I never existed. It's been 2 months and it's obvious I'll never hear from him again. For 8 whole weeks to go by and not a single word that means he doesn't give a you know what about me. I better face reality. He's just a ghost haunting me.

 

My little getaway was nice. I didn't get much rest, but it felt good to get some fresh air in a different city. Still I came came back to find myself with the same troubles, but it was nice to escape them for a little while. I truly feel like a lost soul...roaming all over the place. I don't feel right. I don't feel like myself.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. Thank you to you and Unchained for your condolences. I'm in a really bad place right now. Saturday (the funeral) was really stressful and draining. Then yesterday at work, I had an hours-long panic attack and had to get my parents to come get me. I'm starting to cry as I'm typing this, because I'm scared to go back to work tomorrow. Scared the same thing will happen again. I don't know what to do. I'm going to go to the doctor this week to get back on zoloft, and my dad got a recommendation for a place for counseling in my town. I just can't handle things anymore. I think that will all help, but what do I do about tomorrow? There's nothing I can do except hope I can make it through. This has all turned into hypochondria and fear of illness and death now after my aunt has died. It has little to do with "him" at the moment. I'm very curious about his recent online habits, but that pales in comparison to this panic that I've been feeling about health issues and such. It's all so embarrassing. Luckily, no one saw what was going on at work yesterday. But I don't know what tomorrow will be like. I'm going to try to keep myself relaxed today as best as possible.

 

Ksol, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time too. I know exactly how you feel, with feeling unsettled and feeling like things aren't right. It's a really bad feeling. I'm glad that you're still able to function, and go to work, and go out of town, even with everything you're experiencing on the inside. It's not easy, I know. No guy is worth this, turning our whole lives upside down and making us feel this not-okay.

 

I wish I could say more, but I'm just trying to hold it all together right now. It was a horrible weekend. I need to feel normal and okay again, and not on the verge of panic. I'll check back in in a little while. Big hugs to you. Keep writing whenever you feel like it. I'm reading, even if I don't say much right now. I think feeling alone makes it all 100 times worse. So just know that people (me and others here) do care and don't judge you for what you're going through. I so completely understand, because I've been through it all and am still dealing with it. One day we will both come out the other side of this thing. Hang in there. Xoxo

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. Thank you to you and Unchained for your condolences. I'm in a really bad place right now. Saturday (the funeral) was really stressful and draining. Then yesterday at work, I had an hours-long panic attack and had to get my parents to come get me. I'm starting to cry as I'm typing this, because I'm scared to go back to work tomorrow. Scared the same thing will happen again. I don't know what to do. I'm going to go to the doctor this week to get back on zoloft, and my dad got a recommendation for a place for counseling in my town. I just can't handle things anymore. I think that will all help, but what do I do about tomorrow? There's nothing I can do except hope I can make it through. This has all turned into hypochondria and fear of illness and death now after my aunt has died. It has little to do with "him" at the moment. I'm very curious about his recent online habits, but that pales in comparison to this panic that I've been feeling about health issues and such. It's all so embarrassing. Luckily, no one saw what was going on at work yesterday. But I don't know what tomorrow will be like. I'm going to try to keep myself relaxed today as best as possible.

 

Ksol, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time too. I know exactly how you feel, with feeling unsettled and feeling like things aren't right. It's a really bad feeling. I'm glad that you're still able to function, and go to work, and go out of town, even with everything you're experiencing on the inside. It's not easy, I know. No guy is worth this, turning our whole lives upside down and making us feel this not-okay.

 

I wish I could say more, but I'm just trying to hold it all together right now. It was a horrible weekend. I need to feel normal and okay again, and not on the verge of panic. I'll check back in in a little while. Big hugs to you. Keep writing whenever you feel like it. I'm reading, even if I don't say much right now. I think feeling alone makes it all 100 times worse. So just know that people (me and others here) do care and don't judge you for what you're going through. I so completely understand, because I've been through it all and am still dealing with it. One day we will both come out the other side of this thing. Hang in there. Xoxo

 

Hi lostlove, I'm really sorry you're experiencing this. I think you've formed a great plan as far as visiting a dr and counseling. To go through a panick attack for a long period of time is a sure sign that this is beyond your control. How are you feeling now?

 

Thank you for checking in even though you aren't feeling well. I hope that you are feeling a little bit at ease now that some time has passed. Thank you for also being there for me even in times where you are not at your best. Again, proof of what a wonderful person you are. I hope the best for you. I'm sorry I couldn't write more. I'm feeling really sad, depressed, and angry..if it's even possible to be all of those things at the same time. My mind has been going in all kinds of ugly places. I'm just hoping after a couple of days these feelings will pass. I'm just internalizing it all and hoping it will go away soon. It feels like silent hell.

 

I hope you're doing ok now lostlove. Please take care of yourself. Sending you lots of hugs.

[Ksol9]

Celebrated my mother's 62nd birthday. Wow! Just typing that is crazy. I'm so thankful my parents are both in good health and everyone is happy. We went out to dinner. I'm extremely stuffed to say the least.

 

We all went in one vehicle and on the way back I stopped by the store to get some medicine as I had a headache. The store I stopped at was in a plaza. As I pulled in I saw his truck parked in front of a restaraunt. As I passed the restaraunt I looked in and I could see him sitting near the window. It's a pretty small place. He was eating alone. My heart sank. I went in the store got my medicine and we went home. That just goes to show, even in boredom and loneliness, he still wants nothing to do with me. It makes me feel really sad. I feel really disconnected from him. These 2 months have been horrible.

 

All day today it kept crossing my mind how I said all kinds of horrible things to him. How I didn't ever want to see his face or speak to him ever again. I was bargaining with myself saying..maybe that's the reason he will never speak to me again. In reality, nothing would stop him. If he loved me and if he wanted to be with me, he'd get in contact with me. I've been in denial about it. There is no question that he wants nothing to do with me. I keep running around this in circles. It's pointless. It really is.

 

Sometimes I still can't believe how he just threw it all away. So easily too. Goes to show how much he really cared. I'm still in shock about it at times. I feel very helpless. I can't tell you how many times I want to text him because I don't want to hold this grudge against him anymore, but I fear that he doesn't want to hear anything from me so I'm just trying to move on with my life. I'm doing ok and I'm healing, but he's missing from my life. So many things have happened that I want him to be apart of and he isn't here. My sister is having the baby next month and he isn't here to share all of this with me. I try to remind myself that it takes 2 willing parties and he wants to be alone. He doesn't want anything to do with me. I have to accept that.

 

Lostlove, I hope you're doing ok. I think of you often.

 

Have a great night everyone. .

[Nina95]

Hi ksol. Thank you to you and Unchained for your condolences. I'm in a really bad place right now. Saturday (the funeral) was really stressful and draining. Then yesterday at work, I had an hours-long panic attack and had to get my parents to come get me. I'm starting to cry as I'm typing this, because I'm scared to go back to work tomorrow. Scared the same thing will happen again. I don't know what to do. I'm going to go to the doctor this week to get back on zoloft, and my dad got a recommendation for a place for counseling in my town. I just can't handle things anymore. I think that will all help, but what do I do about tomorrow? There's nothing I can do except hope I can make it through. This has all turned into hypochondria and fear of illness and death now after my aunt has died. It has little to do with "him" at the moment. I'm very curious about his recent online habits, but that pales in comparison to this panic that I've been feeling about health issues and such. It's all so embarrassing. Luckily, no one saw what was going on at work yesterday. But I don't know what tomorrow will be like. I'm going to try to keep myself relaxed today as best as possible.

 

Ksol, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time too. I know exactly how you feel, with feeling unsettled and feeling like things aren't right. It's a really bad feeling. I'm glad that you're still able to function, and go to work, and go out of town, even with everything you're experiencing on the inside. It's not easy, I know. No guy is worth this, turning our whole lives upside down and making us feel this not-okay.

 

I wish I could say more, but I'm just trying to hold it all together right now. It was a horrible weekend. I need to feel normal and okay again, and not on the verge of panic. I'll check back in in a little while. Big hugs to you. Keep writing whenever you feel like it. I'm reading, even if I don't say much right now. I think feeling alone makes it all 100 times worse. So just know that people (me and others here) do care and don't judge you for what you're going through. I so completely understand, because I've been through it all and am still dealing with it. One day we will both come out the other side of this thing. Hang in there. Xoxo

My condolences and best wishes for you and your loved ones during these testing times, lostlove. I hope you are feeling a bit better today. It is important to seek out help when you need it and you are moving in the right direction by doing so, your mental wellbeing is as important as your physical.

 

You might not see it now but it will get better.

 

Hugs.

[lostlove76]

My condolences and best wishes for you and your loved ones during these testing times, lostlove. I hope you are feeling a bit better today. It is important to seek out help when you need it and you are moving in the right direction by doing so, your mental wellbeing is as important as your physical.

 

You might not see it now but it will get better.

 

Hugs.

 

Thank you so much for your kind words, LoveNC

[lostlove76]

Hi lostlove, I'm really sorry you're experiencing this. I think you've formed a great plan as far as visiting a dr and counseling. To go through a panick attack for a long period of time is a sure sign that this is beyond your control. How are you feeling now?

 

Thank you for checking in even though you aren't feeling well. I hope that you are feeling a little bit at ease now that some time has passed. Thank you for also being there for me even in times where you are not at your best. Again, proof of what a wonderful person you are. I hope the best for you. I'm sorry I couldn't write more. I'm feeling really sad, depressed, and angry..if it's even possible to be all of those things at the same time. My mind has been going in all kinds of ugly places. I'm just hoping after a couple of days these feelings will pass. I'm just internalizing it all and hoping it will go away soon. It feels like silent hell.

 

I hope you're doing ok now lostlove. Please take care of yourself. Sending you lots of hugs.

 

Thank you ksol

 

I hope you're doing okay. I see that you wrote tonight, so I'm going to read it and reply.... just wanted to respond to this one first. Thank you for the well wishes! Lots of hugs back to you

[lostlove76]

Celebrated my mother's 62nd birthday. Wow! Just typing that is crazy. I'm so thankful my parents are both in good health and everyone is happy. We went out to dinner. I'm extremely stuffed to say the least.

 

We all went in one vehicle and on the way back I stopped by the store to get some medicine as I had a headache. The store I stopped at was in a plaza. As I pulled in I saw his truck parked in front of a restaraunt. As I passed the restaraunt I looked in and I could see him sitting near the window. It's a pretty small place. He was eating alone. My heart sank. I went in the store got my medicine and we went home. That just goes to show, even in boredom and loneliness, he still wants nothing to do with me. It makes me feel really sad. I feel really disconnected from him. These 2 months have been horrible.

 

All day today it kept crossing my mind how I said all kinds of horrible things to him. How I didn't ever want to see his face or speak to him ever again. I was bargaining with myself saying..maybe that's the reason he will never speak to me again. In reality, nothing would stop him. If he loved me and if he wanted to be with me, he'd get in contact with me. I've been in denial about it. There is no question that he wants nothing to do with me. I keep running around this in circles. It's pointless. It really is.

 

Sometimes I still can't believe how he just threw it all away. So easily too. Goes to show how much he really cared. I'm still in shock about it at times. I feel very helpless. I can't tell you how many times I want to text him because I don't want to hold this grudge against him anymore, but I fear that he doesn't want to hear anything from me so I'm just trying to move on with my life. I'm doing ok and I'm healing, but he's missing from my life. So many things have happened that I want him to be apart of and he isn't here. My sister is having the baby next month and he isn't here to share all of this with me. I try to remind myself that it takes 2 willing parties and he wants to be alone. He doesn't want anything to do with me. I have to accept that.

 

Lostlove, I hope you're doing ok. I think of you often.

 

Have a great night everyone. .

 

Happy Birthday to your mom! We really are both very lucky to have parents we're close to and who are in good health. It scares me so much to think of losing mine one day, but I guess that shouldn't be dwelled on. Best to just be thankful for now.

 

It's amazing how often you've seen him since the breakup. I don't live in a huge town, but I could count on one hand the number of times I've run into exes in my lifetime. I don't think I would like that; it would probably give me an anxiety attack every time it happened. Your town must be even smaller than mine.

 

I know you're feeling bad, but at least he is always alone every time you see him, and in the videos he posts on Facebook. I can say from experience that it would be a million times worse if you saw sure indications of him seeing someone. He didn't jump immediately into something else, and seems to be taking some alone time to reflect. I understand how you're feeling about him being alone and still not reaching out to you, though. But truly, he probably feels you want nothing to do with him - not just based on things you said and your silence thereafter, but also knowing what he himself did and maybe feeling like there's no reason why you should or would want him back. We don't know what he's thinking, but it seems feasible that he may be thinking all the same things that you are. It's a tough spot to be in, because it's possible that one text from either one of you could set things straight... but neither of you feels able to take the risk. There's just no way for either one of you to know what the other is feeling or wanting. Maybe a few months down the road, when you aren't so fragile, you could reach out and at least bury the grudges. I wouldn't worry about that right now - that can easily be done later in time.

 

I'm sorry you're still feeling sad. I know how it feels to feel "thrown away," and it's a horrible feeling. For what it's worth, I think everyone feels this way after a breakup - and it's usually not the reality of the situation, but is just how it feels. I don't for a second believe that you didn't mean anything to him. I think he's just being a stubborn, prideful male. So very common among men, unfortunately. Just remind yourself that you're acting the exact same way, and it doesn't mean that you don't care. Take that as "proof" that things aren't always as they seem.

 

Mine has been on Facebook a ton this past week, so I don't know what's going on. I hope it means he broke up with new girl, but I'm afraid to look at his page and see. Today he was on and off, on and off, from about 5:30pm to 12:15am, plus a few shorter periods of time earlier in the day. He's just been on a whole lot, for varying lengths of time. I've only seen two posts he's liked in the past week, so it doesn't seem he's interacting with his newsfeed much. Seems married woman is flaunting a new boyfriend, and deleted and then readded her husband on Facebook, so it doesn't seem he would be talking to her. Of course, maybe things are still all fine and dandy with the new girl. I guess I would rather think that maybe they broke up rather than look at his page and see confirmation that they're still together. I think I'm FINALLY starting to feel less hurt and affected, and missing him less. I certainly don't need another setback by looking at his page.

 

I hope you're getting some sleep and that you're feeling okay. Let me know tomorrow how you're doing. Goodnight ksol

[Ksol9]

Thanks for writing lostlove. I'm relieved to hear that you are feeling better. I was worried about you. Those panick attacks are no joke. Are you still planning on seeing a dr? I think when you feel overwhelmed work, stress, etc it can be harder to be in control of your emotions, so I'm glad to hear you took some time to de-stress. I guess all you can do is take it day by day. If you feel like you are starting to feel overwhelmed then you know you need to take a time out to keep your head above water.

 

As for me, I'm feeling very tired of this whole situation. I am very close to contacting him. I keep going back and forth about why I shouldn't and why I should. I have no idea where he stands. I know he was going through something emotionally as early as last week, but he could be better now and all of those indicators could be about missing his children. I have nothing to say he could be thinking about me or would like to find a way to make things right with me. This is just weighing on me everyday and I'm tired of it. I've just about had enough and I just want to reach out to him just to see what kind of reaction I get if any at all. He may just disregard me completely, and I don't really know how ill take that. I may just be bargaining with myself because I keep thinking maybe he doesn't want to reach out to me fearing that I still mean all the things I said. Maybe I'm in denial. I feel so helpless and extremely impatient. I almost can't take it anymore. I keep asking myself why Im putting myself through this and then I think of all the hurt he put me through. Do I really want to be the one to open that door? I'd rather him contact me. That way id know he made the decision to be with me on his own. Chances of hi reaching out at this point are slim. So much time has passed. I feel like if I were to reach out, I'd look like the biggest fool. I'm just sick and tired and tired and sick of this silence. Maybe I should just forget about it all and keep it moving. Maybe I shouldn't entertain this thought at all. I'm going to drive myself insane. More importantly, I wonder if he realizes the same thing I've realized...that I'm waiting for him to contact me because I think he dislikes me?? Ahh what am I doing?? He may not have even put any thought into any of this at all. I just need to give it to god, sit tight, and hope for the best.

 

I read that you have been noticing that he is online very often. If he is online all the time, it may mean they are not together in eachother's presence. It also seems like the married woman is completely out of the picture. She has moved on to someone new. I'm also glad to see you write that you are finally starting to feel less affected by him. Maybe you are finally moving on and regardless of the outcome, you know you will be ok. That is a good place to be in and I think you should enjoy it. Remind yourself of how far you've come.

 

I'm stuck somewhere strange. I'm not in a good place. A lot of anxiety. I have a very unsettled feeling about him. I want to talk to him. Im not going to jump to any decisions about contacting him, but I am very close to just doing it. I don't even care about the consequences at this point. We were both wrong. We both said hurtful things. We're both holding on those things. What if it is set in his heart that he wants to move on? I really don't know what to do.

 

Hope you're having a good day lostlove. We will chat again later.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol! Thank you for your support about the anxiety. I've still been feeling nervous all week, about driving and going to work, but I've made it there and back when I need to. I can barely relax, and it's a horrible feeling. I'm going next week to the doctor for Zoloft. That panic attack Sunday just did me in. I can't even describe how horrible it was. I was afraid to even move, for hours. Thank goodness my parents were able to come get me. Now I'm nervous it's going to happen again, and that's why I am unable to feel relaxed unless I'm at home and don't have to go anywhere. I've just been taking it moment by moment and trying to remain as least stressed as possible.

 

So I guess you haven't contacted him? I feel so conflicted about whether I think you should or shouldn't, so I'm trying not to sway you either way. I could easily advise and make a good case for either option, contacting or not contacting. So I can imagine your own internal struggle about what to do. Maybe you should continue to "sit still" like your therapist suggested until the answer becomes more clear. If you're still in a fragile place, you certainly don't need any setbacks. But if you think it would help you move on either way, whether it be getting back with him or moving forward in life without him, then it is worth considering. Your post sounds like you were about ready to take the leap and deal with the consequences later, without knowing how you would handle it if he didn't respond favorably. I guess that's sometimes what we have to do in life - just take a leap of faith. But I would so hate to see you in a lower spot if it didn't work out for the best. This is why I can't decide what I think you should do. It's a huge risk (emotionally) and there are so many unknowns. You say you almost can't take it anymore, and I know what you mean by that. It's like the pressure is just building and building with no release, and nothing is changing. So by reaching out, it feels like at least you would get some kind of answer. You would have a better indication of what he's thinking, based on his reaction. Just take some time to think about it and try not to act impulsively. Try to make sure that it won't be something you end up regretting and mad at yourself for. The last time you wanted to text him, you were very glad that you didn't. I wonder if making a detailed pro/con list would help you. Put it all in writing and work through every possible outcome. I've done that before, and it really really helped. I made it super detailed and wrote down everything I could think of. I made lists of all the different ways he could be feeling, all the different ways he might react, want each reaction might mean. It helped unjumble my thoughts, and by the time I was finished I had a pretty clear answer of what I felt was the best course of action. I did this a few times when he went MIA for a day or two and I had no clue if he was playing games or waiting on me to contact or off cheating or what. By writing it all out, I found an answer (of what to do) that I could live with. You could do it here, or in the notes section of your phone, or in a journal.

 

It's been a day or two since you wrote that post, so how are you feeling now? My friend just texted me, so let me go respond and I'll come back and update a little on my situation. Be right back.

[lostlove76]

I read that you have been noticing that he is online very often. If he is online all the time, it may mean they are not together in eachother's presence. It also seems like the married woman is completely out of the picture. She has moved on to someone new. I'm also glad to see you write that you are finally starting to feel less affected by him. Maybe you are finally moving on and regardless of the outcome, you know you will be ok. That is a good place to be in and I think you should enjoy it. Remind yourself of how far you've come.

 

So for about 5 days, he was on a ton, for at least half the day. It seems from his online times that he was working a lot of night shifts in a row (used to just be weekends). But now for the past 2 days, he's only been on for short periods of time, a few times a day. I can't figure it out. Last night he got on a couple times after midnight, but he had already seemed to have worked the 5 days previous to that, and he used to get Wednesday's off. So I thought he might be off work. But then he got on after midnight. It felt like when he was on so much that maybe they had split up, but now that he's hardly been on at all, maybe they got back together. I've really had to control the urge to look at his page and see. I almost want to, so I can stop trying to guess. Because it's still affecting me and making me feel agitated when he's not on. But I'm afraid it will set me back. I kind of feel like you must be feeling with your urge to contact, like the pressure is just building, and looking would at least give me an answer and I could stop wondering. But it really did me in the last two times I looked and saw the picture and relationship status. So I'm just sitting still!! I know it would make me feel so much better to see that they didn't last long, but so much worse if they've still been together all this time, especially when I've been imagining they must have broken up.

 

I had a chat with a friend last night who is in my phone contacts but not a facebook friend (and never has been, never messaged on there with him or anything). I've been able to see him online for months, ever since I noticed the new Facebook thing. But he can't see me! He sent me a screenshot and I wasn't in his list of active contacts. We have different kinds of phones, so maybe that is why. But it made me feel like my ex maybe hasn't been able to see me at all this whole time I've been seeing him. I find that bothersome, because I of course felt like sometimes we were both doing the same thing. Especially those times when I would get off, and then get back on to look a few minutes later and he had gotten off. It was probably all coincidence. There's no way to know. But it's probably like I never even existed to him, despite 2 years (on/off) together and all the love things he said and as close as we got. It's like it never even happened at all. He's friends with the majority of his other ex-gfs and ex-flings. He's added them all back to Facebook along the way. All but a couple of them, and me. I guess he knows I would never settle for being his "friend."

 

As for the married woman... she recently deleted and then readded her husband as a Facebook friend at some point. They're still fb friends. But yesterday she changed her relationship status to separated and changed her name back to her maiden name. His still says married. She's such a piece of crap, and I feel so sorry for her husband who she continues to use while she cheats on him right under his nose. I shouldn't care anymore, but I just hate that people like her exist.

 

Sooo, as you can see, I guess I'm not really over everything. I have moments when I feel more okay, like when I was writing before, but then it comes back. It came back because he quit getting online so much. It's possible that I would be so much further along if Facebook didn't make it so easy to stay hooked. But it is what it is; it's just the world we now live in.

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove, I just wanted to check in. I read your posts, but I will be back later to respond in more detail.

 

Since my last post, I have been growing more and more impatient with myself. I can't shake this feeling at all. I have not contacted him yet and I have been doing a great deal of thinking about it. Coincidentally, yesterday I went through a box that has been sitting in my trunk for months. Inside I found an ipad that belongs to his daughter. I was in shock because this ipad was given to her by her mother and he had taken it away from his daughter when she got in trouble. I had no idea it was in my possession. I put the ipad on my dresser and I kept glancing at it throughout the evening. I didn't know if I should return it to him or just hold on to it since no one ever asked about it. I woke up this morning and decided that I would mail it directly to their mother in Colorado since she has the children. I figured if I held on to it, I would constantly be thinking about it so I decided to just return it and get it out of my way. I thought about sending it to him, but I don't want him to get the wrong impression. I keep trying to figure out how I will look or the impression I will make by any of my actions...in his eyes, I have been complete NC since the breakup, so this will be the first sort of movement from me. I purchased a greeting card from the drug store and wrote a little note saying that I found the ipad in a box and wanted to return it. Adding that I hoped they were doing well and to keep big smiles on their beautiful faces. Love, ksol. That was it. Went to the post office and sent it off. I'm sure once they receive it they will tell him about it. I don't know what he'll think about that, but I think I did the right thing. He'll most likely think nothing of it. It wasn't mine and I know the mother purchased that for their daughter for her birthday last year. Im certain I won't hear anything from neither, him or the children. Just as long as I returned it I guess. Do you think I was out of place for sending it to the children and should have sent it to him? Should I let them know I'm sending it?

 

Other than that, I've just been really upset with myself. Doing alot of suffering. I don't want to think about him anymore, yet he is everywhere I turn. I've been angry, sad, depressed, anxious, it just keeps repeating the same cycle. I haven't had a moment of peace and I am becoming very exhausted. I feel like I can't take it anymore. I know I will never hear from him again so why is it that I can't just forget about him and get on with the show? I'm ready. It's not that I'm not ready or that I want to hold on. I want to move on with my life because I know he's not coming back and that this is over. That is the biggest thing that is stopping me from contacting him. Nothing I say will save this and I fear I will look like a desperate woman who can't move on. There's my answer. I need to respect myself. I need to NOT put myself in a position where I am putting my self respect at risk. There has been nothing and I mean nothing, that says he is still thinking of me after 2 months, so I need to just accept things for what they are and keep walking with the little bit of dignity I left there with. Furthermore, he may already be involved with someone new. He doesn't want anything to do with me so as a woman I need to respect myself. If someone doesn't want to be with you and they want to go....let them.

 

I totally understand what you mean when you said you really arent over everything. There are some days where you feel strength and able to move on, but then reality sinks in and you realize the situation you're in. It's very hard, but I am living that at this moment.

[boltnrun]

You absolutely did the right thing sending the Ipad back to their mother.

 

And no, I can't see why you'd need to let him know you sent it. He'll find out from their mother or from the daughter.

 

Probably subconsciously you're still waiting for him to contact you because he did the previous breakups.

 

But you're on the right path. Therapy, Pilates, etc...these are good things. Just try to cut yourself some slack because I think you are being your own worst enemy (and I am guilty of that too!). Forgive yourself because you don't need to be beating yourself up.

[jmb]

I have been following your posts for the last few months and have read thru your whole experience from the get go.

 

I have gone thru a terrible break up as well and can completely understand your heart break, anxiety and sadness. I do want to offer another opinion here...I think you should reach out to him. I think you should call or text him and tell him you are sorry for all that transpired between the to, tell him that you know you are at fault for a lot of the issues in the relationship and see if he would be willing to get together, because although he might be moved on you are not and you would really like to try to put it behind you and learn from the experience. come from a place of trying to understand and be understood. If anything you can get some type of closure and be able to see him in town with out having total panic attacks. Who really cares what he thinks, you come from a place of strength and wanting to learn from the things that went wrong so that in the future you are able to not make the same mistakes. You had a relationship with this man and there is no reason to feel wrong about wanting to heal yourself. If he is not willing to do this than you simply say, when or if you ever are interested in having a healing conversation please feel free to contact me.

[SparklyBoots]

I am not sure contacting him would be that good for you right now. You are doing really well, and doing all the right things...and yes, cut yourself some slack, it is still early days...I think at this stage it can be so tempting to reach out, but if you're completely honest with yourself, what do you really really want deep down...you need to work that out. Do you want to heal and move on, and leave this unsatisfactory relationship behind...or do you want to try and reconcile, Do you just want him to think of you as a good person, because you think you will feel better in yourself if he does - because you do not need him to validate you....you know you are a good person, you do not need him to tell you that, and closure often comes from acceptance of ourselves, not from anyone else....do you want to be friends...because that would be a long way down the line. Everything is raw just now. Sometimes this indecision comes from not being honest with ourselves about what it is we really want. When you know that, you will know what path to take...and right now, i am not sure you really know what it is you want deep down...that may take some time to work out....and honestly, if he isn't reaching out, that is more to do with him and his own issues than anything to do with you.Maybe part of the issue has been that you have reconciled too soon before...it really takes a lot of time to work all this stuff out - and that will be the same for him too. I think both you and Lostlove have progressed so much even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. Hugs to you both from a stranger rooting for you and your ong term happiness x

[Ksol9]

I really don't know what to do. All I know is, I'm tired of feeling this way. Thank you boltrun, jmb, and sparklyboots. I genuinely appreciate your input. Lord knows it came at the right time. I have a very strong urge to contact him and I have been thinking about it for a few days. I think now would be an appropriate time because of the ipod. I don't want to wait any longer, but my pride is getting in the way. Yes, I am on the right path right now. I am healing and doing everything possible to take care of myself right now, but I really fear looking like a total fool...a desperate fool. This is eating me up inside. I know deep down inside I did not want to lose this relationship. I never wanted to lose him, but I didn't realize the damage I was doing and I didn't see that things were not going to get better unless I started to take care of myself. I completely lost myself in that relationship and in hindsight, I see where we both went wrong. Had I made the changes I am making now, things would have gotten better, no doubt about that. The biggest question for me has been...do I just leave everything on the floor and walk away, hoping that he would turn this around because this was his decision after all? At this point, I think he's not going to turn this around and neither am I. We both have just let everything go. I don't know if that was on my part or not. I don't know if reaching out to him is right or not. Of course I want to apologize for the way things ended. I do want to get all these things off my chest, but what good will it do? For the past 2 months, I've just decided to leave things the way they ended and look out for myself. What if he is seeing someone new, what if he doesn't respond, what if I can't handle his response? Maybe it is safer to leave things as they are or maybe I should be the bigger person, say what I have to say and be on my way. What he does from there on is up to him. All I know is that this is eating me up inside and sitting here day after day hoping for it to go away is just eating me up inside. I really have nothing left to lose there with him. Everything has already gone down the drain.

 

Thank you all for writing today. I really needed the support and the input. I'm really grateful for that right now as it is helping me process my thoughts.

[Nina95]

I am not sure contacting him would be that good for you right now. You are doing really well, and doing all the right things...and yes, cut yourself some slack, it is still early days...I think at this stage it can be so tempting to reach out, but if you're completely honest with yourself, what do you really really want deep down...you need to work that out. Do you want to heal and move on, and leave this unsatisfactory relationship behind...or do you want to try and reconcile, Do you just want him to think of you as a good person, because you think you will feel better in yourself if he does - because you do not need him to validate you....you know you are a good person, you do not need him to tell you that, and closure often comes from acceptance of ourselves, not from anyone else....do you want to be friends...because that would be a long way down the line. Everything is raw just now. Sometimes this indecision comes from not being honest with ourselves about what it is we really want. When you know that, you will know what path to take...and right now, i am not sure you really know what it is you want deep down...that may take some time to work out....and honestly, if he isn't reaching out, that is more to do with him and his own issues than anything to do with you.Maybe part of the issue has been that you have reconciled too soon before...it really takes a lot of time to work all this stuff out - and that will be the same for him too. I think both you and Lostlove have progressed so much even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. Hugs to you both from a stranger rooting for you and your ong term happiness x

I agree with Sparkly, you have been doing well Ksol, remain strong. Remember this recovery process is not up and up in a linear fashion. It has its ups and downs, sometimes you feel better, like the days you are active and do your Pilates and whatnot. Sometimes you feel worse. But either case, you must keep going, look ahead and dont look back now. I would go back to your earlier posts made during the relationship, and after the last reconciliation. It was bad, it was toxic and tumultuous, towards the end all trust was gone, you were not happy. You can and will do so much better, you deserve happiness and peace. He wasn't really providing that before, from reading your earlier posts about the relationship. You deserve better than walking on eggshells all the time.

[boltnrun]

Most people believe that because they're in pain after a breakup, the only solution is to reconcile with that person to relieve the pain.

 

So often, that is NOT the correct solution. Only the "easiest" one.

 

I used to panic when my ex and I were on the outs. I felt I HAD to fix it, NOW, and nothing would be right or good until he and I were back together.

 

But I couldn't have been more wrong.

 

Relationships aren't supposed to be filled with anxiety. They aren't supposed to be filled with "indifference, confusion and sadness" to quote your journal title. Fear should never, ever be part of a love relationship.

 

I've reminded lostlove on a number of occasions that she wasn't happy in her relationship. And you weren't either. I know the fog of nostalgia and heartbreak makes things seem better than they were. But if you go back and reread, there were things you did as a reaction to the pain and anxiety and uncertainty this relationship brought you. Somewhere inside you, you knew something was terribly wrong.

 

Yes, you are doing work on yourself, and that is a great thing. But unless the BOTH of you completely change the dynamic within the relationship, all you'll get is more of the same anxiety, uncertainty and fear you experienced before.

 

So, yes, you could contact him. You could apologize for your part in the breakdown of the relationship. But unless and until you BOTH agree to do the hard work to change the way you two interact, you'll just keep repeating the same cycle. You could run right back (if he suggests it), but what do you REALLY think would happen? Do you think things will be wonderful and there will be no fear, anxiety, lack of trust and uncertainty? Or do you know that things would have to change in a major way for the relationship to work on a permanent basis? And if so, do you believe that he is also willing to do the work? Or do you believe he's already jumped to someone new (and if you believe this, isn't it another example of lack of trust)?

 

I remember way back with this current breakup was new, he was going to Tampa (or something) and you stated several times that he absolutely WILL sleep with that other woman. Stated as a fact with no equivocation. Do you still believe he will do something like that, jump into sex with another woman without giving you a single thought? Because if so (again), this also proves your lack of trust in him and the relationship you shared.

 

And if that's the case, why go back other than as an attempt to relieve the pain?

[jmb]

Ksol-

I totally get what the other posters are saying about not contacting and continuing with your healing. I would agree if you weren't driving your self crazy on a daily basis. You two may very well not be right for one another. The relationship was toxic on some level and that I believe was highly attributed to you and your major anxiety, form what I read you could not forgive and let go of the past. I get it! Trust me, I did a lot of the same things in my 15 years of marriage as well as the most recent breakup. I suggest you read about attachment disorders and how to work on those. I believe you have an anxiety attachment style and it is caused you to lack major trust and self awareness.

Please know I am saying all of this to really help you and not being negative in any way.

I need to say that you have no idea what this man is going thru and looking at his FB page is not going to give you any clear idea of that at all. I mean honestly! I have been a broken mess before and if you look at my FB page and it sure as hell looks like my life is amazing! It is a facade! Most everyone does that. Think about this for a min...he lost his children and he lost you. I would be willing to guarantee he is hurting. I am a mother, having my child only part the time is awful I cannot imagine having her move half way across the country! This man planned on you being in his life and when you guys got back together you kept pushing and pushing and pushing. He got fed up with it because he couldn't make you happy. It is miserable to be with someone who says they love you yet nothing you do is good enough for them. This is what you were doing to him. I don't want you to feel worse. Just acknowledging the facts of what happened will help you in the future wether with him or another person.

If you feel you could have an adult conversation with the idea of understanding and forgiveness I believe you can move on

I would reach out and say something like "Hey (Name), I hope this message finds you well, its been 2 months since we have spoken and I have had a lot of time to cool off and reflect. Would you be up for getting coffee or lunch?

Then you can see how he reacts, if he ignores fine...you were the bigger person

If you get together, do not do it with the idea of reconciliation, do it with the idea of closure, if he expresses the desire to reconcile then you say you would entertain the idea but you both still need to work on things and you and go from there.