Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[lostlove76]

Just need to get this out....

 

I went to pick up my car from the auto shop as I was getting the brakes replaced. The shop is about 20 minutes away. I get in my car and I turn onto the main road to head home and as I'm approaching the red light, there he was in the lane next to me. My palms immediately became sweaty. His windows were down and I see him looking around in his wing mirror. then his eyes fell straight on me as I was about roll past him. I thought about stopping before I got next to him. I didn't want to be stuck right next to him at the light. My mind was racing...if we end up next to eachother do I say hi, do I ignore, what do I do??? I decided not to be dramatic. I slowly drove forward and luckily the light turned green and I didn't have to make a complete stop. We were both headed in the same direction, so we drove for about 15 minutes. It was like gravity. I figured once he saw me he would stay his distance, but I looked in my rear view and I could see him veer in and out of traffic to get right behind me. When he got behind me, I moved to the next lane and made my way ahead a few cars. He did it again. Ended up right behind me. He doesn't know how much I still love him. He ended up turning into his community to go home and I carried on my way.

 

So strange how we can be driving within close proximity of eachother...see eachother and behave like strangers. Life is so weird sometimes.

 

Hi ksol. I'm sorry I haven't been here much. This has just been a crappy week. I've been on my period, and I'm still not caught up on sleep from the house-sitting, and I have to work an extra day so that I can skip Saturday to go to a funeral I don't want to go to (not someone close to me, but close to family members, so I have to go). I've been busy and distracted from thinking too much about my heartache, and while I haven't been been having the best week otherwise, it's probably good that I've had the distraction. I've about decided that it's time to just let it all go and put it out of my mind whenever possible. It hurts too much to think about it. Before, I was always waiting and watching because I felt his relationships or flings or whatever they were wouldn't last. But this one is on a whole new level, and I just can't deal with the painful feelings it brings. I bet they'll get married soon. I just can't cope with that, so I'm just going to try to forget him. I don't know if it will work, or how long this feeling will last, but that's my current mindset. I hate him for everything he's done, I really do. No point in continuing to hold on to love for someone who treated me so horribly. I better stop before I get myself all worked up over it again.

 

So how are you feeling now, since several hours have passed since you saw him? I can easily imagine how that must have felt; you described it well. I think the fact that he followed you in and out of traffic is just more evidence that he hasn't forgotten you or ceased caring. If that were the case, he would have done his best to just avoid you. But he was keeping an eye on you, and possibly trying to get your attention. Does that make you feel any better? It would me. Although I know what you mean about acting like strangers, and what a weird and unsettling feeling that is. I've always been sure that he's been thinking of you this whole time, but he will be even more so now that he saw you. Maybe it will kick him into gear. It's also quite possible, though, and even probable, that he thinks you want nothing to do with him. So if you still don't hear from him, I believe this to be why.

 

I'm glad that you didn't let it destroy you to see him adding another young girl. She sounds like another peice of trash (sorry, I guess I'm mean sometimes, but I really just have no respect for certain types of women), and you have nothing to worry about. To me, it's just proof that he's not looking for anything else of substance. Attention and an ego boost is all it is. He probably doesn't even talk to them, just adds them on Facebook. Back when I was trying to distract myself with online dating sites, I would add someone to Facebook here or there to get more of an idea what they were like. I quickly saw that I wasn't interested, and it went nowhere, but they're still sitting there on my friends list. We never talk or communicate in any way. I'm sure it's like that for him, just adds and then forgets about them.

 

Keep hanging in there ksol. You're doing everything you can, and as we've both said, it's just going to take time. You're doing all the right things. You just have to wait for your heart to detach, and that isn't a quick process for people like us who get attached and care deeply. I really think it just has to wear off on it's own time. Let me know how you're feeling after the incident this afternoon. I never ran into mine like that, so I don't know exactly how I would feel, but I think I would feel better for a while and then crash again the next day. You don't usually tend to feel any better after any sort of poke, though (and I consider this somewhat of a poke, since he was following you in traffic, even though the incident itself was coincidental). If at all possible, try to see it as evidence that he still cares - because like I said, if he didn't, he would have hung way back and avoided you.

 

I need to get in bed, but I'll check back to see if you've written. You've probably already gone to bed yourself by now. I'll check in again tomorrow before or after work. Chat soon, big hugs

[Ksol9]

He doesn't care about me and he has no intention of making things right. When he saw me in traffic, he was trying to.get closer as if to say...ha look at me..this is what you lost!

 

That's how I took it and i think it was the same kind of gesture as the car wash incident. I know he thinks I want absolutely nothing to do with him when that's far from the truth. After seeing me in traffic, he went home and deleted every last picture of me from his Facebook. What does that tell you? He's not coming back.

 

Honestly, I think he knows I'm looking at his Facebook page. Maybe not the timeline, but that I can see the friends list. That younger girl I mentioned that he just added, has a boyfriend. I guess I overlooked it but there's a post on there with him. When I clicked on the guys page, sure enough, it said "in a relationship with so and so". I'm 100% sure he doesn't know that girl and is just adding random women. Not to get on my nerves, but he knows there's a good possibility I'm watching. Also after seeing me today, the way I ignored him probably triggered more anger and hate for me or he knew I'd go look again online...he deleted every last picture of me. Either he got angry and felt he's absolutely done with me or he did it to try to get a reaction from me. I know it wasn't done for no reason at all. It had something to do with seeing me. I don't know if he is expecting me to be the one to talk to him, but I know for a fact he thinks I want nothing to do with him.

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. I'm sorry I haven't been here much. This has just been a crappy week. I've been on my period, and I'm still not caught up on sleep from the house-sitting, and I have to work an extra day so that I can skip Saturday to go to a funeral I don't want to go to (not someone close to me, but close to family members, so I have to go). I've been busy and distracted from thinking too much about my heartache, and while I haven't been been having the best week otherwise, it's probably good that I've had the distraction. I've about decided that it's time to just let it all go and put it out of my mind whenever possible. It hurts too much to think about it. Before, I was always waiting and watching because I felt his relationships or flings or whatever they were wouldn't last. But this one is on a whole new level, and I just can't deal with the painful feelings it brings. I bet they'll get married soon. I just can't cope with that, so I'm just going to try to forget him. I don't know if it will work, or how long this feeling will last, but that's my current mindset. I hate him for everything he's done, I really do. No point in continuing to hold on to love for someone who treated me so horribly. I better stop before I get myself all worked up over it again.

 

I think you are doing the right thing. Keeping yourself busy is the best way to distract your mind from going in dark places. Just as long as you are processing your feelings and you know which direction you are headed then you are going to be ok. You sound a bit stronger and I know how this thing works...there are days I'm sure you don't feel as good, but I'm glad you are finding ways to cope and deal with this. I also understand your anger and hate for him. To some extent, it's a healthy response and maybe you will draw strength from it. No one knows what the future holds or that they will get married. I think this is the first time I've seen you say that you want to forget about him. If you feel it is time to let go, I support you and I'll encourage you as well.

 

So how are you feeling now, since several hours have passed since you saw him? I can easily imagine how that must have felt; you described it well. I think the fact that he followed you in and out of traffic is just more evidence that he hasn't forgotten you or ceased caring. If that were the case, he would have done his best to just avoid you. But he was keeping an eye on you, and possibly trying to get your attention. Does that make you feel any better? It would me. Although I know what you mean about acting like strangers, and what a weird and unsettling feeling that is. I've always been sure that he's been thinking of you this whole time, but he will be even more so now that he saw you. Maybe it will kick him into gear. It's also quite possible, though, and even probable, that he thinks you want nothing to do with him. So if you still don't hear from him, I believe this to be why.

 

I dont feel good about seeing him at all because of the reaction it brought on. That was very bold of him to drive so closely to me all the way home. He got behind me on two occasions and I purposely drove off into another lane and ahead of him. He wanted me to see him and I wanted him to see that I was trying to stay away. You are absolutely correct that if he was indifferent, he would have slowed down and kept his distance. He would not have tried to make any kind of impression. I also think you are 100% percent correct that he thinks I want nothing to do with him. Just the way I drove ahead to get away from him spoke for itself. It was evident that I was trying to stay away. I can't explain it any better than by describing it as gravity. There was a force between us and there's definitely tension there. I am honestly thinking of texting him, but I'm writing here instead because I need to let my thoughts settle before doing so. I think my biggest fear is that we both feel the same, that we both want the other to reach out, that we both have too much pride to be the bigger person and we both feel we don't care about the other. I fear a similar outcome to your situation. Except he won't try like yours did. I'm on the fence about it because I'm really stuck on the fact that he should be the one to make this right. It was his decision after all. I'm just deathly worried that time will just pass and he will go on with the notion that I want nothing to do with him. I know him well enough to know that he sees all these gestures as rejection and clear signs that I want nothing to do with him. I don't think he's ever going to put his pride aside and reach out to me. So I don't think it's going to kick him into gear. Him going home to delete all my Facebook photos is proof of that.

 

Keep hanging in there ksol. You're doing everything you can, and as we've both said, it's just going to take time. You're doing all the right things. You just have to wait for your heart to detach, and that isn't a quick process for people like us who get attached and care deeply. I really think it just has to wear off on it's own time. Let me know how you're feeling after the incident this afternoon. I never ran into mine like that, so I don't know exactly how I would feel, but I think I would feel better for a while and then crash again the next day. You don't usually tend to feel any better after any sort of poke, though (and I consider this somewhat of a poke, since he was following you in traffic, even though the incident itself was coincidental). If at all possible, try to see it as evidence that he still cares - because like I said, if he didn't, he would have hung way back and avoided you.

 

I think I realize he thinks of me and maybe not as much as I think of him, there's hurt there and I take it as a sign that he doesn't think good things about me at all. I feel like he just hates me. I understand that we all (dumpers and dumpee) go through all kinds of emotions. Remember when I left him..as a dumper I was hurting just as bad. I'm sure he is experiencing anger and all those other emotions at times but it can't be like what I'm feeling. I want nothing but to talk to him. I feel like he continues to justify his decision. He feels like he made the right decision..so be it. And I also think he's pretty surprised how I've managed to let him go. I've done a good job of keeping my emotions under wraps. He didn't expect me to do this after the way I kicked and screamed the day we broke up. I don't think it's even crossing his mind to contact me and I think you are correct about the reasons why I won't hear from him. I really fear that he's just going to let it go. That is why I'm seriously contemplating saying something to him. I don't think I'd be hurt if I get no response. I just want him to know I'm not angry. I'd wish him well regardless. That way I know moving forward, if I never heard from him again, it was because he was sure about his decision and not because he thinks I despise him and wanted nothing to do with him. I really and truly think I would be ok with not getting a response. I actually think it will bring me some peace of mind knowing I did my part. Or maybe I should just sit on everything for a while and see what he does? I'd really like to hear what you think about it.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. Wow, about the pictures. I'm sorry, I know that must have hurt to see that. I'm quite sure, though, that it was a response to hurt on his part - you avoided him, so he deleted the pictures. You rejected him, so he rejected you. Do you think there's any way he suspects you're looking from a friend's account? I don't guess there would be any reason for him to know, unless he's noticed that her online habits have changed (being online a lot more but not showing any fb activity). He would have had to have known her prior habits, though, to see a change. Are there any mutual friends he could be logging into, doing the same thing you're doing? If so, then he could easily imagine that you're doing the same. I just wondered, because of all those videos he was posting. If he somehow knew that you could see all that.

 

I don't want to suggest the wrong thing about contacting him. I would be afraid of worst case scenario - him not replying, or saying he's moved on. I don't think that would happen, but it could. If he didn't answer, it could be him "playing games," rejecting you for an ego boost or to make you wonder or miss him more. If mine texted at this point, I probably wouldn't answer, but it would make me feel better to know that he tried. So if he didn't answer, you wouldn't know why, but it would surely feel like rejection and like he didn't care. So you would just really have to be prepared to handle that. I think you make a good point, though, that you would at least know you did your part. You wouldn't have to wonder if the silence was remaining because of your own lack of action. You would know that you tried. I would think about what to say, though, and not word it in a way that sounds like you're just seeking closure. If the main message is "wishing him the best" then it's going to sound like you're simply saying goodbye. I think you would have to be more upfront than that, or simply say a hello, how are you type of thing to invite conversation.

 

I'm just not totally sure. I feel divided, mainly because we can't fully predict his response, and I'm really afraid it would set you back even more. If I texted mine and he didn't answer, I think it would devastate me for a while, but eventually help me move on, maybe. But I don't think I could really handle getting anything less than a positive response. You just need to be sure that you can handle it. You feel pretty sure now, but would you really be okay? What are you thinking now that you've thought about it for a couple of hours?

 

Best case scenario, he would be really glad to hear from you, and breathe a huge sigh of relief because he didn't feel he could be the one to reach out and thought you didn't want anything to do with him.

[Ksol9]

As the morning went on, the answer to if I should contact him became more clear. I even contacted my therapist to see what he thinks. He said...expand your perception. He explained that I need to remove myself from my view of the situation. Don't think about my wants and needs or what outcome I want or hope for. I didn't quite understand but he went on to explain that I needed to view things from his perspective and view the situation from the outside...that I shouldn't assume what he is thinking or doing. He closed by saying...hold on to YOU.

 

My conclusion is this...

I love this man. There is no denying that, but I love myself more. He made this decision. He pushed me away. Yes he may think that I don't care about him. The few things that I have seen..his boat rides, the song lyrics, driving by my job, and finally seeing him on the road yesterday, I can say I do think he was affected by this breakup. I know he's going through something emotionally just like I am, but he hasn't done a thing about it. He doesn't appear to be working on himself..all I know is that I am. Maybe he isn't in as much pain as I am, but I know he's experiencing something. I think my biggest fear is losing him to someone else. That's not what I should fear. I should fear losing myself..he'll never find another me. I know the place I had in his life. He let me go. What triggered an alarm for me was seeing him delete those photos. Any text I send would be ingenuine because I was not going to say I love him and wanted him back. It would be some sort of text to prompt a response. I decided to leave it to the breeze and continue on my path to self discovery. I can't jeopardize my self respect. He hurt me and though it's all water under the bridge, it takes two willing parties to reconcile.

 

He changed his profile picture, deleted all my photos, and then followed a couple more women he doesn't even know from different parts of the country. If he did any of that to see if it would spark a reaction from me, he almost got it. Yesterday he was literally swerving to get near me...to get a reaction maybe, who knows. I've kept my cool since the day I walked out of there. Seeing me yesterday probably prompted him to let go of things that have to do with me like those photos. He's moving on and there is no indication of him changing the track of this thing. And that's ok. I have regained some respect for myself in these 2 months and I shouldn't lower myself to contact him when this was his decision. He's single and he can do whatever he wants with whomever he wants. Never chase a man who wants to leave.

 

I remember I had an ex who I broke up with. For months he tried to get me back. I would talk to him, sometimes I wouldn't. I knew he was seeing other women and kept them as options...needless to say, I wasn't going to be his option. When I finally cut off contact permanently, he started showing up at my job. Funny when you want something so bad, it doesn't happen, but when you could care less, it's readily available. I'm better off leaving things where they are. He's not going to get any kind of reaction out of me if that's what he's looking for. When I think about..he has no access to anything going on in my life and can only make assumptions on the couple of times he has seen me. I on the other hand can see his social media. He'll clean up his act if he wants to make things right. He'll let me know...only then, I'll meet him half way. And if not I'm already on my way to becoming a better me. I'm

[lostlove76]

I have to get ready for work, so I only have a minute, but just wanted to let you know I read your follow-up post. Go with what you feel is right. You've thought this through and made a careful decision, so I trust that it is the right thing for yourself. I wish I had time to comment further, but I'm in a rush. I'll check back in after work!

[Ksol9]

I'm quite sure, though, that it was a response to hurt on his part - you avoided him, so he deleted the pictures. You rejected him, so he rejected you. Do you think there's any way he suspects you're looking from a friend's account?

 

I think you're correct about this. I think that's exactly what happened. It triggered a spout of anger and he went home and deleted the pics, added a few women he doesn't know, and changed his profile pic. I officially think he hates me.

 

I think I mentioned this before, but all these little actions, im actually starting to lose respect for him.

 

I think he does think I may be able to see his page or that I at least visit it to see what I can see (public photos and posts). He might not think I go through her page. Some of those photos of him and I were public, so either way he knows I will see they are deleted.

[Ksol9]

I have to get ready for work, so I only have a minute, but just wanted to let you know I read your follow-up post. Go with what you feel is right. You've thought this through and made a careful decision, so I trust that it is the right thing for yourself. I wish I had time to comment further, but I'm in a rush. I'll check back in after work!

 

Ok thank you so much for helping me through this. Have a wonderful day at work. We will chat later.

[Ksol9]

Spoke with my therapist earlier this evening. He called me to check up on how I was doing. I've been feeling a ton of anxiety all evening. Just sort of beating myself up over sending that text to him.

 

I published my post without completing. Don't know how that happened. Will finish in my next post....

[lostlove76]

Spoke with my therapist earlier this evening. He called me to check up on how I was doing. I've been feeling a ton of anxiety all evening. Just sort of beating myself up over sending that text to him.

 

I published my post without completing. Don't know how that happened. Will finish in my next post....

 

What text? Did I miss something??

 

I just got home and need to eat dinner and do a couple things but then I'll check back.

[Ksol9]

Oh sorry about the confusion. I was talking about the text I wanted to send to break nc. I didn't end up sending it after much thought and after chatting with you and my therapist. I felt it was best I didn't send it.

 

This was the first time that my therapist actually had a thorough conversation about him. He wanted to give me some insight on what could be going on in his mind. His information was based on his experiences. People that he has worked with through the years. He said in most cases, when dumpers want to reconnect its very difficult for some because of their pride and ego. It takes a great deal of courage and in my situation, we know that it has taken a long time for him to come forward. My therapist said that he believes he will make contact eventually, but at that time, I need to be able to make a decision about what I want for my life. He gave me a story about an ex of his contacted recently and he was able to delete the message and phone number without responding. He asked me to honestly answer what is it that I missed about this man. He said that his behavior is quite typical and he's got a great deal of work that needs to be done on himself. He also said he believes the reaction he made when I saw him on the road yesterday is likely because he was seeking some sort of attention. He said he is probably hoping that I would make it easier for him to communicate by speaking up first. He said that I have handled myself beautifully this entire time and that makes me feel at ease. I guess the conversation gave me some insight on the other side of things. Lostlove, you have been telling me these things for some time now. I just don't know what is happening to be honest. I don't know where to go from here and at times I think this nc thing is really silly. I don't know what's going to happen, but I feel completely helpless regarding nc.

 

Hope you had a great shift at work. Im going to hop in the shower. I'll check in with you in a bit.

[lostlove76]

Ohhh okay! I thought maybe you had texted him some time between posts. I see now what you mean.

 

Your therapist sounds wonderful! It's awesome that he takes the time to talk with you in moments of "crisis." It's also nice that he mentions his own experiences, rather than being completely clinical and impersonal. Is he an older guy, or younger? Just curious. I appreciate you sharing what he says, because it's helpful for me to hear it, too. It's probably good that you're seeing a man instead of a woman so that he can give you male insight. And I'm glad he gives you validation that you're doing all the right things. Just sounds like a great situation all around.

 

"He said in most cases, when dumpers want to reconnect its very difficult for some because of their pride and ego." ---> This is good to hear from a professional! Just confirms that this is probably where his head is at, and it isn't a case of him not caring.

 

Enjoy your shower. I need to take one too. I'm irritable because I have to go to that funeral tomorrow ugh. I'll check back before bed.

[Ksol9]

My experience with my therapist so far has been great and I love sharing things here on the thread. I hope that it helps you and others in some way. He is 48, but a cool 48. I'm really comfortable talking with him. I've felt that way since the first day. Strange for me because I don't often open up to other especially a perfect stranger. Since meeting him, there are times I say in my head...wow this guy was meant to be in this profession. I don't really know the difference between a good therapist and a bad one. I've only worked with one prior for about 6 or 7 months, but so far I am feeling very optimistic about working with him. I think he's a great therapist and I intend to continue to see him. Remember I initially went to him regarding the relationship. That is what I researched him for specifically. He has great credentials for working with couples and specializes on improving communication. It only took me one or two visits to identify and validate what my issues were. Since then, I feel like things are headed in the right direction.

 

I too felt it was a little comforting to hear that most dumpers go through difficulty in reaching out to dumpees because of pride and ego, but I don't really know if that is the case in my situation. I mean I know he cares, but I don't think he cares enough. I think I go back and forth about my situation quite a bit. Sometimes I think it's simple. He doesn't want the relationship. I don't think anything would stop him from reaching out even if it was for something trivial or non related to the relationship. When I left him for the email incident, he found numerous excuses to contact me. The first split...a slew of indirect and some direct pokes. This time...zero. We've had zero contact and even though my therapist said I may hear from him eventually, I don't see that happening. This could very well be the end of us. I'm actually pretty glad I didn't send him the text message. I would have felt like the biggest idiot. There hasn't been anything to suggest he wants to mend the relationship. I'm foolish to think things will get better between us. For whatever reason, he doesn't want anything to do with me. I just have to let it all take it's course. I know I say this pretty often, but I feel like I'm in denial about everything. My therapist said that I needed to try to be more patient with the process and especially with myself. I've never been good with patience.

 

I'm sitting in bed with my laptop watching Maid In Manhattan. I feel really sad being without him. Our relationship had it's problems, but it was filled with laughter and good times. I have tons of home video on my phone. I browsed through them earlier. Despite our issues, it was a great time in my life. Those children brought me a lot of happiness and so did he. He taught me alot..especially about myself. This is the first time in my life that a relationship has shoved me into self discovery and I've always told him...from the very beginning, he made me be a better person. Even after he is gone, I am striving to be better. It's just sad that he didn't stick by me through it all. I guess he was only meant to be apart of my life for this short time.

 

Hope you're doing ok tonight. Sorry you aren't looking forward to going to the funeral. I completely understand how you feel. I know you'd much rather be home. Hopefully this weekend you can catch up on some much needed sleep. How are you feeling about everything today?

[Ksol9]

Just need to vent....

 

I woke up today feeling like I'm ready to let go of this anger and pain. I don't know if that goal is even attainable right now. It's been almost 2 months since we've spoken. I saw you on the road again this morning. You had your work trailer attached to the truck so I know you were working this morning. I was heading to the island to sit by the water..to ask God to help me..to end this silence between us soon, to give me peace and clarity. I know I may be asking for things that may never be granted. As I sat there taking in as much ocean breeze as I could, I asked myself why I was even so angry with you. I was overlooking the ocean, dolphins kept surfacing...such a beautiful place..I thought to myself, you no longer wanted to be with me and you decided not to continue a relationship you were not capable of continuing. It's not like you mislead me. You just didn't have the fight in you to try any longer. No matter what it was fueled by..anger, frustration, anxiety, you felt that things wouldn't get better in time. Why should I be angry with you for that?

 

I've spent the last 2 months trying to hold on to hope..any hope..even false hope. I feel like I'm refusing to accept and see that you've spent these past 2 months trying to forget me. There's just a pain in my chest where you used to be. I peeked at your instagram and you posted another video of a song you were listening to. An R&B song by Neyo-Sexy Love. It was from a podcast on youtube. I remember watching this with you around the time of the breakup. You were recording the wall or something. I know how much you love music. If you are content and you want to be alone at the moment, I respect that and I wish the best for you. I really do. I will continue to look within and I think that is something I've learned has to be of top priority..and probably will be for the rest of my life. I can't believe I am now learning this at this stage in my life. I guess I am realizing I never had anyone to model this for me as a child. I wish we would have been able to get through this together. I needed you to be there for me. Guess everything happens for a reason. Maybe I wouldn't have learned these things unless I was alone. I'm just as stubborn and hardheaded as you.

 

I thought about contacting you the other day. I was so very close, but I am learning to discipline myself...to think before I act, to keep my emotions under control. I'm glad I didn't. This isn't about being right and you being wrong or vice versus. You want to be alone and there is nothing I could say or do to persuade you differently. A big part of me was hoping you just needed some time apart, some space, or that maybe you were sorting things out in your mind. I thought you'd come back like the other times, but because of the amount of time that has passed, I am realizing and understanding you are a man who knows what you want your life to look like. You want peace and serenity not drama and chaos. There's no reason for you to believe things would get better, we've tried so many times. Maybe it was me who would realize when it was too late. You are the one thing I have no control over. Everything else in my life..is in my hands. I can mold my life into what I want it to be. That is exciting and bittersweet all at the same time. I'm not angry with you and I forgive you for anything you've ever done to hurt me, intentional or not. I hope that you will be able to forgive me for the things I have said and done to hurt you. I don't resent your decision, I understand.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I feel like it's been ages since I've written. It was a busy weekend, with the out-of-town funeral trip taking up the whole day Saturday and then working and doing some laundry and such today. Tomorrow will be the first day I don't have to go anywhere in what seems like a while, I'm off my period, and I can just relax at home. I still feel irritable, for whatever reason. Because of him, I'm sure. I've managed not to look at their pages again. I'm afraid the next time I look I'll see "engaged" or "married." I'd rather not see that. But I'm afraid I'll have a weak moment at some point and give into an impulse to check, and then have to go through the same thing all over again. I really really hope that doesn't happen, because I obviously don't handle it well and it puts me in a really low place for days or weeks. I'll just keep trying not to look.

 

You said recently that you fear your situation turning out like mine. I hope it doesn't, because it's been an absolute nightmare knowing he's been with these other girls. My hope for you is that IF he gets involved with anyone else, it won't be until you're feeling a lot stronger. Luckily, we see zero signs of him jumping into another relationship. You can feel fairly confident that he didn't immediately replace you. Thank goodness. And I don't foresee him doing that any time soon. So try not to worry about that right now. I know the fear is there, but there are a few key differences between your case and mine. 1) He's not a womanizer like mine is. Mine has a history of jumping from girl to girl with no down time, and keeping backups, and flirting with everyone under the sun. Yours isn't like that. 2) You weren't long-distance. I feel like if we hadn't been long-distance, there would have been a much higher chance that he would have come back at some point. But all these other girls are down there, and I'm not. To close the distance gap would mean a huge step up in commitment, one of us moving, etc. You don't have that particular barrier. So you have a much higher chance of reconciliation at some point than I did/do for the two above reasons.

 

I don't think anything would stop him from reaching out even if it was for something trivial or non related to the relationship. When I left him for the email incident, he found numerous excuses to contact me. The first split...a slew of indirect and some direct pokes. This time...zero.

I really think that he would just feel silly at this point to do the same things he did last time. This is the third time. He's gotta be feeling like somewhat of an idiot that this keeps happening, ya know? At some point, it gets embarrassing and you just retreat. I feel like this could easily be part of why he's being silent. He'd have to eat crow in order to reach out to you. Remember how heavily I went after mine following the first breakup, texting all the time and trying everything I could to get his attention. Now I refuse to say a word. I will never again chase after someone like that, or even make the first move. I have very good reasons, but even if I didn't, I think ego and stubbornness would still hold me back.

 

I'm sorry that you're missing him so much I don't know which feels worse - feeling angry and hurt, or letting all that go and just plain missing their presence. It all hurts equally, I guess. I'm just sorry you have to feel any of it at all.

 

Mine has been on Facebook since midnight (for the past couple hours), so he must be working nightshift, I guess. Not his typical night to work, but he wouldn't be on otherwise. I feel like I have to stay offline, because I don't want him to have the satisfaction of thinking I'm lurking and watching him. I guess I should just say screw it and do whatever I want to do, because why should I care what he thinks anymore.

 

I might read some threads for a while, so I'll be up for a bit if you wake up and can't sleep. Otherwise, talk soon

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove. Nice to hear from you. I was wondering how you were doing. I know you said you weren't looking forward to the funeral. I'm glad that you will now have a day to yourself. Now you can relax and unwind.

 

I'll be back later to respond your post when I get on my laptop. I just got up and can't fall back asleep. I wanted to share how I'm feeling. I've been feeling so low. Just crying over him the past few days. Then last night he posted a couple memes. Both of the memes were about being friendzoned. One said...you asked Jesus for a man, but you keep telling him he's your friend. His caption said..dammm lol! The other was a definition of being friendzoned. No one liked them or commented. Meant to be a joke, but there are a few things I noticed. He posted it only on Facebook and not on Instagram. Then I noticed he would try to add women but they don't accept his friend request so they end up in his list for people he follows. He put that list on private only available to his friends when it was public before. He's probably hiding it from me. They're women he doesn't even know from other cities. Just random. Friends list is still public. He is on Facebook constantly. Literally every 15 minutes. I am assuming he is talking to many women..trying to meet or spark interest. Again, he entitled to this, he's single. That's not what my problem is. Those posts brought me to my knees because I realized I can't live like this anymore. He isn't coming back he doesn't care about me. He is seeing other people. I can almost bet he didn't post it on Instagram because he thinks I am one of his followers and he doesn't think I can see his Facebook wall. I don't even know why he would post that. It's so out of character to post something like that. Very unusual and embarrassing for him. Someone must have hurt his ego...a woman he was interested in so he posted these memes. A little while later he posted the old video from the fishing trip from January. He posted this video already. He's been posting all sorts of weird things. Sharing strange articles and posts for a while now. The other day he got into an argument with someone on Facebook about a comment he posted under a news article. It was a political article. He spent all day going back and forth with some guy. The guy started attacking him and making fun of him. The guy posted some of his selfies, making fun of him saying how he's on Facebook all day posting selfies. All of these things tell me I am not on his mind at all. Even through loneliness and boredom, he still won't contact me. I've got to be a fool not to see it. He doesn't want to be with me. There's nothing that would stop him if he felt otherwise. I honestly think he dislikes me and I also think he knows I'm still pinning for him even though we've had no contact. Thank god I didn't text him the other day.

 

I said to myself I can't live like this anymore. He doesn't care about me. Theres no reason he wouldn't reach out to me if he cared. It has almost been 2 months since the breakup. He has no intentions of ever reconciling. This isn't like the other times. There is no coming back from this one.. He is obviously seeing other people. I have to stop this. I have to let him go. I accept his decision and respect it, but in my heart, I've got the let him go. I have to stop going on Facebook and Instagram. I'm waiting for something that is never going to happen. I'm only hurting myself. I said to myself that I need to draw the line right here.

 

I have been feeling so terrible lately. Even before I saw those memes. I need to talk to my therapist but I will wait until Tuesday's appt. I need to try to settle my emotions. My thoughts are all over the place. I've had enough of this. I need to get control of myself.

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. I feel like it's been ages since I've written. It was a busy weekend, with the out-of-town funeral trip taking up the whole day Saturday and then working and doing some laundry and such today. Tomorrow will be the first day I don't have to go anywhere in what seems like a while, I'm off my period, and I can just relax at home. I still feel irritable, for whatever reason. Because of him, I'm sure. I've managed not to look at their pages again. I'm afraid the next time I look I'll see "engaged" or "married." I'd rather not see that. But I'm afraid I'll have a weak moment at some point and give into an impulse to check, and then have to go through the same thing all over again. I really really hope that doesn't happen, because I obviously don't handle it well and it puts me in a really low place for days or weeks. I'll just keep trying not to look.

 

Hope you enjoy the day. I'm glad you'll be unwind after being so busy the past few days. I have come to like the days that I have off where I don't have to do anything, but laundry. I wanted to say that I'm proud of you that you haven't looked at their pages. I don't know if I would be able to do that since I've made it a habit to look, but as you said, you don't want to go through anymore hurt and pain. That alone shows some strength. Knowing that you don't want to have to start all over if you see something that will hurt is more of an incentive to continue to stay away from their pages.

 

You said recently that you fear your situation turning out like mine. I hope it doesn't, because it's been an absolute nightmare knowing he's been with these other girls. My hope for you is that IF he gets involved with anyone else, it won't be until you're feeling a lot stronger. Luckily, we see zero signs of him jumping into another relationship. You can feel fairly confident that he didn't immediately replace you. Thank goodness. And I don't foresee him doing that any time soon. So try not to worry about that right now. I know the fear is there, but there are a few key differences between your case and mine. 1) He's not a womanizer like mine is. Mine has a history of jumping from girl to girl with no down time, and keeping backups, and flirting with everyone under the sun. Yours isn't like that. 2) You weren't long-distance. I feel like if we hadn't been long-distance, there would have been a much higher chance that he would have come back at some point. But all these other girls are down there, and I'm not. To close the distance gap would mean a huge step up in commitment, one of us moving, etc. You don't have that particular barrier. So you have a much higher chance of reconciliation at some point than I did/do for the two above reasons.

 

I know my situation differs from yours quite a bit, but I feel that after seeing those memes, I feel there may be someone new or he is occupying himself with trying to meet someone new. He isn't thinking about me and that was pretty much a slap in the face. Here I am crying over him and all I can think about is him. I better get with the program very fast. I need to be able to predict change, adapt to it quickly, and make changes. When I look back, I behaved pretty insecure and needy. That was his last impression of me. That's pretty unattractive. I feel that he dislikes me as we didn't end on good terms at all and I don't sense he is having trouble moving on from all the things he is posting online. There were a couple recent posts on Insta one of a quote by Jackie Chan..."be like water my friend". I used to say this all the time and we used to get a good laugh out of it. I heard it in one of Jackie Chan's interviews. Then there was another post with him recording a Neyo song. That was another video I remember us watching the day before the breakup. These are just things that he likes and are just interests. I'm over here sobbing everyday over someone who isn't thinking about me. He's not the least bit concerned, worried, sad...or anything. I have to move on with my life. I woke up this morning thinking that. I have to forget about him. He hurt me enough and now that I saw those memes, I'm not going to stick around to hurt myself anymore. As you said, if he gets involved with someone else, hopefully I will be stronger. I woke up with that being my mission. I have to be strong. I need to forget about him and move on because he isn't coming back.

 

I've been thinking about this all day....

He ended the relationship by text...never tried to work things out, never tried to find out what was really the matter before he ended it. He just ended it and never looked back. What kind of person does that to someone they love? A person that doesn't really love you. He didn't love me. I need to let go of what we had because it was insignificant. He treated it like it meant nothing, so why should I continue to romanticize something that meant nothing. I'm better off. This pain is better than being in a relationship with someone who is pretending to love you. My biggest mistake was giving him my entire heart. He knew much I loved him. Im pretty sure he knows I am suffering. I don't have any social media accounts. I took everything down. I really should reactivate everything, start taking nice new pics to post. That way I can get some sort of socializing in..maybe even reconnect with friends. I think I'll do that soon. Screw this bs.

 

I really think that he would just feel silly at this point to do the same things he did last time. This is the third time. He's gotta be feeling like somewhat of an idiot that this keeps happening, ya know? At some point, it gets embarrassing and you just retreat. I feel like this could easily be part of why he's being silent. He'd have to eat crow in order to reach out to you. Remember how heavily I went after mine following the first breakup, texting all the time and trying everything I could to get his attention. Now I refuse to say a word. I will never again chase after someone like that, or even make the first move. I have very good reasons, but even if I didn't, I think ego and stubbornness would still hold me back.

 

I'm sorry that you're missing him so much I don't know which feels worse - feeling angry and hurt, or letting all that go and just plain missing their presence. It all hurts equally, I guess. I'm just sorry you have to feel any of it at all.

 

Thank you lostlove. Thank you for understanding. I think that this holds alot of truth. I think he does feel like a total idiot. I think he knows my entire family and I can see what nonsense this is. He knows my parents are not too happy with him for putting me through this trouble AGAIN. If I were him, I'd never want to show my face ever again. Especially after the cheating email incident. I'm sure he is embarrassed...as he should be and I agree that is part of why he sees it as a lost cause. I've concluded he simply just doesn't want the relationship and he isn't going to do a thing about it. I believe he is just like you in the sense that he has had to eat his words and man up on 2 prior occasions. This time was pretty ugly and because it has happened so many times before, he just picked up and walked away. The safest option for his was to retreat. The safest option for me is to move on. I need to close my eyes and make this leap. It has to happen like this because if I don't make up my mind to be done with this, I'll never do it. I'm sick of him and flaky man that he was to me....I need stability and that's not going to happen. Damn it...let go of the past and what could have been ksol!

 

Mine has been on Facebook since midnight (for the past couple hours), so he must be working nightshift, I guess. Not his typical night to work, but he wouldn't be on otherwise. I feel like I have to stay offline, because I don't want him to have the satisfaction of thinking I'm lurking and watching him. I guess I should just say screw it and do whatever I want to do, because why should I care what he thinks anymore.

 

Sometimes I envy you for the anger you have for him. My anger doesn't seem to last very long. I'm too forgiving. I love too hard. I should have never given so many chances to someone who didn't appreciate me while they had me. I'm sure he sees you online, but at this point he knows you would not contact him. Is he ever online during the day or is it just after midnight when he's working? I'm not sure if you know about this, but in messenger when someone changes their profile pic, it won't update unless they open a previous or new chat from you. My friend told me about this, so I checked it out myself to see if she was right. For example, I access his page through her account. They've exchanged messages on there before, but I noticed his profile pic is not updated the one he recently changed it to last Thursday. I checked through my mom's facebook account and went to her messages (they exchanged messages previously as well). Still the pic was not updated. So I reactivated my facebook and checked my messages. His pic was updated to the new one. Meaning he must have opened up the chat he had with me recently. That is why its updated on mine and no one else's. That also confirms that he doesn't even think I'm accessing through my friend's account because if he was checking her time stamps, his profile pic would be updated. I went a step further and googled it to see if anyone else was talking about this and I did see others talking about it.

 

Well, I better get some lunch in my system. I have pilates at 6 tonight. I feel like I'm not on this planet. My world feels like I huge bubble. I just want my life back. I wish I never met him or the children. I wish I never fell in love with them. All those memories are so distant they don't even feel real. If I would have know the pain and suffering I would experience, I would have ran the other way. Gosh I've been such a fool. Chat with you again soon lostlove. Hope your day is full of smiles.

[Ksol9]

Pilates was awesome! It's something I really enjoy. The instructor said after 10 sessions you will feel different. After 20 you'll see a difference. After 30, you'll have a whole new body. I signed up for another class on Wednesday, but I'm already feeling sore and I know it will take my body a couple of days to feel better, so I'm not sure if I'll make it to that one. Just as long as I go once a week, 2 occasionally. I know this is not only going to be physically beneficial to me, but mentally and emotionally. I think that's what I'm most excited about....changing this negative mindset of mine.

 

Tomorrow at noon is my therapy appointment. I've made some notes of things I wanted to discuss with him. I forgot to mention a book that he gave me during my last visit. It is called "Who moved my cheese?" By Spencer Johnson. It was a great little book. Very simple book with a powerful meaning about how people react to change in a positive way. I finished it in a couple days. I presume we'll be discussing it tomorrow. He chose this book for me to read for a reason.

 

Despite missing and loving this man who is missing from my life, I feel very good about all the positive things I'm doing in my life. This also includes all the positive people I have in my life. I guess I'm feeling a little renewed after my workout.

 

I'm working so hard on myself. Although I feel so much more productive, I still have this hole where he used to be. I know many of my posts are filled with sadness and my feelings of emptiness. Thought I'd update with something a little more refreshing for those of you who still follow. Thank you to all who still read my rants, vents, and updates. Most importantly, thank you lostlove. You're my dear friend. I hope you are well today.

 

I hope everyone is enjoying their night. Until next time...

[lostlove76]

Pilates was awesome! It's something I really enjoy. The instructor said after 10 sessions you will feel different. After 20 you'll see a difference. After 30, you'll have a whole new body. I signed up for another class on Wednesday, but I'm already feeling sore and I know it will take my body a couple of days to feel better, so I'm not sure if I'll make it to that one. Just as long as I go once a week, 2 occasionally. I know this is not only going to be physically beneficial to me, but mentally and emotionally. I think that's what I'm most excited about....changing this negative mindset of mine.

 

Tomorrow at noon is my therapy appointment. I've made some notes of things I wanted to discuss with him. I forgot to mention a book that he gave me during my last visit. It is called "Who moved my cheese?" By Spencer Johnson. It was a great little book. Very simple book with a powerful meaning about how people react to change in a positive way. I finished it in a couple days. I presume we'll be discussing it tomorrow. He chose this book for me to read for a reason.

 

Despite missing and loving this man who is missing from my life, I feel very good about all the positive things I'm doing in my life. This also includes all the positive people I have in my life. I guess I'm feeling a little renewed after my workout.

 

I'm working so hard on myself. Although I feel so much more productive, I still have this hole where he used to be. I know many of my posts are filled with sadness and my feelings of emptiness. Thought I'd update with something a little more refreshing for those of you who still follow. Thank you to all who still read my rants, vents, and updates. Most importantly, thank you lostlove. You're my dear friend. I hope you are well today.

 

I hope everyone is enjoying their night. Until next time...

 

Hi ksol. This post made me smile You're my dear friend too, and I thank you just as much for being here for me and offering such wise advice all along the way. The post also made me smile because you sound positive and excited about the Pilates. I'm glad you've found something that makes you feel good! And that's cool that you've been told what to expect after such and such many sessions. This can be a new goal for you, and you can feel good after reaching certain milestones - 10 sessions, 20, 30. I know all your sadness is nowhere near gone, but it makes me happy to see you finding something you can enjoy. This is pretty much common knowledge, and I know you know, but my doctor told me years ago that exercise can do wonders for anxiety and depression.

 

How did your therapy session go today? What did you discuss?

 

I had a tiny bit of happiness in my day today, as well. You know I've been working this part-time job for a while now. It's the perfect job for me in so many ways, and I've been unable to enjoy it to the full extent because I've been so depressed. But the people I work for and with are super nice, and it's outside, and I get to do my own thing without having much human interaction haha. Anyways, today, without my even asking for it, they gave me a really nice raise and said I've been doing a good job. It made me feel good, and it will be more money. They've also told me a couple of times that if I want more hours, just to ask and they'll find more for me to do. I really need to take advantage of that, especially now that I'll be making more per hour.

 

I feel these are positive steps you and I have made, with your Pilates and my work. We both deserve something to feel good about in the midst of all our sadness.

 

I want to go back and comment on some of the other stuff from your previous posts, but wanted to get this written first. I probably apologize way too much, and that's something I need to probably work on and quit doing, but I'm sorry again for not being here as much. I've just been soooo irritable and keeping to myself, but I think that lifted a bit today because of the nice raise. I'm always thinking of you though, even if I take small breaks in writing. Let me post this and then reply to some of the other.

[lostlove76]

Then last night he posted a couple memes. Both of the memes were about being friendzoned. One said...you asked Jesus for a man, but you keep telling him he's your friend. His caption said..dammm lol! The other was a definition of being friendzoned. No one liked them or commented. Meant to be a joke, but there are a few things I noticed. He posted it only on Facebook and not on Instagram. Then I noticed he would try to add women but they don't accept his friend request so they end up in his list for people he follows. He put that list on private only available to his friends when it was public before. He's probably hiding it from me. They're women he doesn't even know from other cities. Just random. Friends list is still public. He is on Facebook constantly. Literally every 15 minutes. I am assuming he is talking to many women..trying to meet or spark interest. Again, he entitled to this, he's single. That's not what my problem is. Those posts brought me to my knees because I realized I can't live like this anymore. He isn't coming back he doesn't care about me. He is seeing other people. I can almost bet he didn't post it on Instagram because he thinks I am one of his followers and he doesn't think I can see his Facebook wall. I don't even know why he would post that. It's so out of character to post something like that. Very unusual and embarrassing for him. Someone must have hurt his ego...a woman he was interested in so he posted these memes.

All of this sounds like ego-booster seeking for him. The adding of the women, the butt hurt over being friend-zoned. I don't think he's seeing other people. He's just looking for attention and an ego-boost, that's all this is. It doesn't sound at all like he even wants to connect with anyone or seriously date anyone. I think it's just random online chatting, I really do. He's apparently not in a place, mentally or emotionally, to be looking for someone else. I don't see this as him moving on. He's just feeling lonely and empty and passing the time. I've done that myself, so I can see it! It would look different if he was seeking a normal or serious relationship.

 

As for him not posting it on instagram and only facebook, I can think of two possibilities. 1) He suspects you're a follower on instagram, and he doesn't want to ruin future reconciliation with you by flaunting or revealing his attention-seeking from random women. Or 2) he figures one of your mutual friends will be telling you what's on his facebook page, and he wants to make it appear that he's having fun and talking to others and moving on, without posting it publicly and being so obvious about it. That's what people do, as we've seen on other threads - people post things to try to appear like they're happy and moving on. Half of it is ego and trying to get under the ex's skin, and half of it is trying to goad the ex into wanting them back.

 

I know how you feel, I really do(!), but I don't think he's ready to move on. I think he's dealing with all of this emptiness and pain and trying to fill it in shallow ways.

 

A little while later he posted the old video from the fishing trip from January. He posted this video already. He's been posting all sorts of weird things.

Strange to post the same video again. He's going through something here, hence all the weird posts.

 

The other day he got into an argument with someone on Facebook about a comment he posted under a news article. It was a political article. He spent all day going back and forth with some guy. The guy started attacking him and making fun of him. The guy posted some of his selfies, making fun of him saying how he's on Facebook all day posting selfies. All of these things tell me I am not on his mind at all.

He's passing idle time here. This doesn't mean you're not on his mind. What it means to me is that he's not seeing anyone, or even interested in anyone, because if he was, he wouldn't be wasting time arguing all day with a stranger. Everything he's doing suggests to me that he's not seeing anyone; I feel confident about this. And after a breakup, when you don't jump directly into something new, the last person remains on your mind. It just doesn't go away that quickly, unless you replace it with someone else like mine did.

 

Thank god I didn't text him the other day.

I'm glad you didn't text him, too, because you've said this a few times and it suggests that you may have regretted it if you did reach out. There may come a point in time when you feel ready to say something, but that time is not now. You've had slight urges to contact him a few times, and you've carefully thought it through and decided not to. And as I type that, it occurs to me that he may have done the very same thing at various points in time. He may have been really really close to reaching out, but talked himself out of it. We just don't know what's in his head. I know it feels like the silence means he doesn't care and doesn't like you and doesn't want to be with you, but things aren't always as they seem.

 

I have been feeling so terrible lately. Even before I saw those memes. I need to talk to my therapist but I will wait until Tuesday's appt. I need to try to settle my emotions. My thoughts are all over the place. I've had enough of this. I need to get control of myself.

Did you talk to your therapist today about the memes and other things he's been posting? I'm interested to hear his take on it.

 

I'll reply to your other post in a separate post.

[lostlove76]

I wanted to say that I'm proud of you that you haven't looked at their pages. I don't know if I would be able to do that since I've made it a habit to look, but as you said, you don't want to go through anymore hurt and pain. That alone shows some strength. Knowing that you don't want to have to start all over if you see something that will hurt is more of an incentive to continue to stay away from their pages.

Thank you so much for being proud of me

 

I know it feels like you'll never stop looking, but you'll quit when you're ready. There's no need to force yourself to stop, and it probably wouldn't work anyhow. I couldn't have forced myself to stop for long. I only quit when it became too painful for me to continue looking. Like you said, it's a habit. Others will probably feel like this is bad advice, but I say just do what you feel like doing. You'll stop when there's a very good reason to stop. So far, I don't see that it's harmed you in any way. Yes, it keeps you hooked, but the energy it would take to break the habit would keep it all at the forefront of your mind regardless. I'll support you either way, looking or not.

[lostlove76]

I know my situation differs from yours quite a bit, but I feel that after seeing those memes, I feel there may be someone new or he is occupying himself with trying to meet someone new. He isn't thinking about me and that was pretty much a slap in the face. Here I am crying over him and all I can think about is him. I better get with the program very fast. I need to be able to predict change, adapt to it quickly, and make changes. When I look back, I behaved pretty insecure and needy. That was his last impression of me. That's pretty unattractive. I feel that he dislikes me as we didn't end on good terms at all and I don't sense he is having trouble moving on from all the things he is posting online.

It's funny how you and I see his actions so differently. Not funny haha, but just worth noting the difference. I see it as him not being over you, and trying to find ways to fill the loss. You see it as him not thinking about you at all. I know I've mentioned this several times, but I think you're thinking the worst because you're protecting yourself, and also punishing yourself in some way. I don't even know if I can explain the "punishing yourself" idea, because I don't fully understand why we both do that, but I definitely think that we do.

 

I know how you feel about having been insecure and needy, but I want to remind you that this is very typical behavior among women. We're made to feel bad for it, and we beat ourselves up about it. But women are very emotional and have certain needs for reassurance. I'm not saying that it's ideal, and not disputing that it's unattractive, but it's sooo common. We've all done it, and all men have been with women who have been that way. It's just how things are, unfortunately. We have emotional needs, and men don't always fulfill them; then we get insecure. He obviously wasn't giving you what you needed to feel safe, so you reacted. Try not to beat yourself up about it, because the way you were feeling and behaving just shows that there was something missing for you - and that's at least half on him; he did things to make you feel that way.

 

There were a couple recent posts on Insta one of a quote by Jackie Chan..."be like water my friend". I used to say this all the time and we used to get a good laugh out of it. I heard it in one of Jackie Chan's interviews. Then there was another post with him recording a Neyo song. That was another video I remember us watching the day before the breakup. These are just things that he likes and are just interests.

To me, these are yet more clues that he IS thinking about you and feeling something and being affected. Those aren't random posts; they have some meaning and connection to YOU.

 

I guess I'll end this, because I don't want to bombard you with too many responses all at once. I hope you had a good day today. I hope your therapy session went well and that you got a lot out of it. Let me know how how you're feeling now. I know it's fluid and can change from one minute to the next, but your latest post sounded very hopeful and positive. Just keep on keeping on, and one day it will get easier. Big hugs to you

[Ksol9]

Hey there lostlove,

 

Congrats on the raise! Cheers to that! Hopefully that is the start to things improving for you. You deserve this. Sometimes all it takes is one thing to help motivate you to continue pressing forward. I'm really happy to hear you received a raise.

 

Therapy went well. I've been very emotional the past few days. Just thinking a lot about him and the void that has been left behind. I was on the verge of tears the entire visit. My therapist said something to me that has been ringing in my head since then. He said to me.."you know what I think this is all about? The lesson in all of this was for you to stand still and finally learn what the universe has been trying to teach you." That was such a powerful statement. I've had failed relationship after failed relationship and I did not once stop to heal, learn, and grow after any of them. Any hardship I've ever faced in my life was dealt with by me scurrying to find something else to jump into. First time in my life I've stopped and really made a change in my life for me...solely for me. Pilates is going to my life. Sounds silly but I can feel it in my soul. Therapy is going to change my life. He spoke a lot about me changing the way I think. I naturally have a negative thought about myself. When instead I should be positive and optimistic. He really thinks I am making very wise decisions for myself at the moment. Bigger moves will come in time I guess. Right now I am learning to take care of myself, my self esteem, and my self respect.

 

All of this sounds like ego-booster seeking for him. The adding of the women, the butt hurt over being friend-zoned. I don't think he's seeing other people. He's just looking for attention and an ego-boost, that's all this is. It doesn't sound at all like he even wants to connect with anyone or seriously date anyone. I think it's just random online chatting, I really do. He's apparently not in a place, mentally or emotionally, to be looking for someone else. I don't see this as him moving on. He's just feeling lonely and empty and passing the time. I've done that myself, so I can see it! It would look different if he was seeking a normal or serious relationship.

 

As for him not posting it on instagram and only facebook, I can think of two possibilities. 1) He suspects you're a follower on instagram, and he doesn't want to ruin future reconciliation with you by flaunting or revealing his attention-seeking from random women. Or 2) he figures one of your mutual friends will be telling you what's on his facebook page, and he wants to make it appear that he's having fun and talking to others and moving on, without posting it publicly and being so obvious about it. That's what people do, as we've seen on other threads - people post things to try to appear like they're happy and moving on. Half of it is ego and trying to get under the ex's skin, and half of it is trying to goad the ex into wanting them back.

 

You could be right and you are in a better position to see things more clearly than me because you are on the outside looking in. I wanted to mention something he posted last night. I don't fully understand the post, but I believe it is very telling. Yesterday, he checked in to a restaurant near a town where he is supposed to start this new project, so I knew he was out of town. Then a couple hours later he posted a meme that said.."the worst kind of sad is not being able to explain why." He's obviously going through something emotionally.

 

I also think you are correct that he doesn't post select things on Facebook because he doesnt think I'm able to see and even if I was able, I think he's moving on with his life regardless. He may feel that if there is a chance I am one of his followers on Instagram and if I see something in reference to him and other women, he may be afraid it will trigger some crazy behavior from me. I'm in a lot of pain regardless, but I've disciplined myself enough not to react to anything I see. I think that now that he is starting this project out of town, he has no room for me in his life. Talking to me is the last thing on his mind. He's just doing his thing. I would think he lives a sad life, but this is what he wanted. I don't care how much money you make or how dedicated you are to your career, what is it all for when you can't enjoy it with loved ones.

 

I'm very strong in my feeling that he doesn't give a crap about me. 2 months ago he walked away from me like I meant nothing. He did me a favor because I would have never slowed down to make these changes in my life and we were just bringing out the worst in eachother, but no matter what I do or where I go, there is a huge void. I feel completely empty. I too am glad I didn't text him that day. The silence is what is most damaging. It's true what they say...silence can hurt far worse than any harsh word. I don't think I'll hear from him ever again and that hurt me in the worst way.

 

Did you talk to your therapist today about the memes and other things he's been posting? I'm interested to hear his take on it.

 

I did tell my therapist about seeing him on the road and the memes. He reminded me that he is going through his own journey as well. He said to breath deeply anytime I see him on the road or anytime I see something online. He said looking is absolutely normal and it's not silly. It's just apart of the process. Just as long as you understand you must heal, you will stop looking when the time is right. You hear about this everywhere. It's just what this world has become. We center around social media. You can find countless threads about ex's looking at Facebook to see what they could see.

 

He doesn't care about me. I say this over and over. There has not been a day that I haven't shed tears for him. I just want to move on with my life, but for whatever reason I'm just supposed to go through this. I know you feel his is just passing idle time and is chatting with women, but that makes it very clear to me that he is trying to move on any way he can. He is very firm about his decision. He let me go and I'm going to keep going. It's all very sad. But that's life.

 

To me, these are yet more clues that he IS thinking about you and feeling something and being affected. Those aren't random posts; they have some meaning and connection to YOU.

 

Maybe you're right but I don't think he is thinking of me in the way that I am. He had it all. He had someone who would have done anything to make him and his children happy, he had his children who he values most in this world, he had a beautiful life and chose to give it away. These were all his choices. He will live with that now. It seems to be what he wants.

 

Thank you so much for being proud of me

 

I am really proud that you have managed to stop looking when you know it would hurt out to see something. If you were not experiencing any pain from looking then it wouldn't be any harm. So good for you! He could very well be using Facebook more often because he is not spending as much time with her. No one really knows, but when someone uses Facebook frequently it's because they are bored and occupying free time. Just continue to do what feels right.

 

I seem to manage through the day ok, but as night falls, I've just been in tears. You're right through, we just have to keep on keeping on. There's a purpose for all of this and hopefully the future is filled with something brighter. Chat again soon lostlove. Hope you're having a great day!

[Ksol9]

I'm finished with work early today. I decided to treat myself to a pedicure. I haven't been sleeping well at all these days. I wake up in the early morning hours and will lay there awake for hours. By the time morning comes, I'm unable to get out of bed. I'm still dreaming of him every single night, so even when I'm sleeping it doesn't feel like restful sleep at all. It's like I can't away from him. I see him everywhere. I close my eyes and he's there.

 

I saw on Facebook that he is still out of town. He posted a photo of himself in a place I recognized. I went to college in a nearby city and we used to go there for food and drinks on occasion. Seeing that photos was just another reminder that I don't fit in his life anymore. There is no room for me there. He seems to be enjoying his life. I saw a post the night before saying "the worst kind of sad is not being able to explain why". I think he's still very much affected by the children moving and my impression of that post was that there are no words to explain his sadness. Some days are better than others...the same I am experiencing. Some days are just terrible. As I looked at that picture, I told myself, I will most likely never hear from him again. He threw it away and it was so easy to do. I think all these new things going on in his life is just proof he has moved on. More proof that I need to forget about him and move on. He's no rookie to this kind of thing. I think he knew he would just go through a difficult time for a little while and that hard times don't last. He knows eventually he would eventually forget about me. He is the only one who knows what's best for him. This is what he wants. Yes, I keep repeating these things to process it all for the zillionth time. Yes, this is really happening.

 

My mothers bday is next Tuesday. I think I want to go out of town this weekend alone. Maybe do some shopping for a gift. I really would like to just book a trip for a week to the blue ridge mountains. Rent a cabin in the mountains..seclude myself for some time. I've got work and responsibilities, but it would be nice. I figure I better get used to this feeling. It'll pass on its own I guess. God gave him to me to teach me something and now it's time for me to let him go. I've got to find myself again. I have to find happiness again.

 

I feel bad. Really bad, but we both let this thing go and I know there's nothing I can say or do to save it. When I'm finished here, I'm going to get some Chinese and then head home.

 

Have a great day friends.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. Just wanted to check in and say hi. I haven't been able to find the energy to write anything. My aunt died a couple days ago; she had been ill for a while, so it wasn't unexpected, but everything is just depressing right now. There have been a lot of deaths close to my family lately - 3 in the past two weeks. It makes me worry about life and death and illness, and losing my parents one day, and my own health because I don't really take good care of myself.

 

I'll try to write tonight or some time this weekend. I hope you're doing okay. Talk soon