Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[lostlove76]

I'm so sorry about all of this lostlove. Please don't be so hard on yourself. I don't think it was you at all. You are very worthy and you are capable. There are just some men who won't change until they are ready to change and we don't know that he has even changed. Please be mindful that their relationship is new and every relationship goes through the euphoric stage. Some more intense than others. I know that you are angry with him and you have reason to be. His actions did not match his words and he did not go the extra mile to make sure that you felt secured. You have to remind yourself that this is not something personal. You didn't do anything wrong and it wasn't that you weren't good enough. I wish there was something I could say or do to help you. I know how hard this is. Other than anger, how are you feeling about everything? Do you want to move on? It's ok if you don't have your feelings sorted out. Sometimes when you're angry or upset it's the only thing we can feel. Answers will come in time. Remember what my therapist said, when you are unsure, it's ok to sit still for a bit. Let it all settle, let your emotions settle.

 

Hang in there. Hugs.

 

Thank you ksol

 

It's time for me to move on, but I don't know how. Move on to what, exactly? There is nothing happy to move towards. There's still a big empty hole left behind from all of this. My mom said - again - that she would help me get counseling. It keeps getting put off somehow.

 

I'm just going to do what you suggest from your therapist and just sit with it and see how I feel. Tonight I have to juggle a bunch of things between the two houses that I'm sitting for, and I feel like I'm barely going to be able to handle it, but I have to. I'm annoyed that I have to deal with it, but I don't guess it's anyone's fault. Just gotta do it.

 

I'll check back in when I get that taken care of. Thank you so much for writing. How are you feeling right now?

[Ms Darcy]

Perhaps you can do a search on this thread and your other thread and read the specific advice people have given you at length with suggestions to move on.

 

I only say assuming you aren't asking the question "how do you move on" rhetorically.

[lostlove76]

Perhaps you can do a search on this thread and your other thread and read the specific advice people have given you at length with suggestions to move on.

 

I only say assuming you aren't asking the question "how do you move on" rhetorically.

 

It was more rhetorical, but thanks. Moving on at certain stages isn't as easy as you guys make it sound, I don't think. It's easy to say do this, do that, but when you're filled with depression and anxiety and can barely find the motivation or energy to do anything at all, "moving on" is not such a simple thing. What is holding me back is all the FEELINGS that I can't seem to come to terms with. The confusion, the anger, etc. I know no one can fix that for me. I don't know what else to do about that. I've read things, I've been over it in my mind a million times, I've been given comforting words, and still all the messy feelings remain. I'm doing the best I can, and most days that just means making it into work and back.

[boltnrun]

Will you now consider therapy? I mean, actually trying it?

 

You've written on other people's threads about being on medication previously and what a tremendous help it was to you. Why not try it again?

[lostlove76]

Will you now consider therapy? I mean, actually trying it?

 

You've written on other people's threads about being on medication previously and what a tremendous help it was to you. Why not try it again?

 

I talked to my mom AGAIN about therapy, and she said AGAIN that she would look into it for me. Every time something like this happens, it gets mentioned or talked about and then nothing comes of it. I figured it's best that she call since she'll be paying for it and I don't know what they can afford. She says she'll call and then she doesn't. I can barely find the motivation to do anything at all, including getting that started. Since she has said she would help, it would be nice if she followed through - but she hasn't yet. I guess if she doesn't do it this time, I'll just have to call myself. I guess it sounds silly that I don't just call in the first place. It's just all I can do to get to work every other day.

 

As for medicine, she keeps telling me I need it. The main thing holding me back with that is that I haaaaaaaaaate going to the doctor. I hate going at a certain time, and waiting and waiting to be seen, and then I think up all kinds of potential health concerns I feel I need to ask about (prone to hypochondria unless I completely don't allow thoughts of anything to do with health into my head.). And it's not just one appointment. You then have to go back regularly for refills and it's a pain in the a$$$.

 

And I don't know about this one, but maybe part of me is scared to feel better. If I start feeling better, then what? I won't have anyone (a boyfriend) to share it with. I don't even know what happy feels like anymore. During the past 2.5 years, the only time I was happy was when I was with him or talking to him, or feeling like things were good with us and I could then enjoy other moments in life. The rest of the time, I was miserable with worry. So for 2.5 years, my happiness has been completely tied up in him, and during the past 8 months, there has been zero happiness because he's been completely gone. I'm sure this all sounds stupid, but it's how I feel. I'm sure it's the depression talking, and I'll one day look back at this and be really embarrassed.

[boltnrun]

What provides you with happiness besides being involved with a man?

 

What do you enjoy? Travel? Cooking? Reading? Music? Decorating? Sewing or quilting or knitting? Art?

 

I haven't had a single date since 2010. Yep, you read that right. And there are so many things I enjoy doing! I love trying new food, new restaurants, discovering little hole in the wall places that have great food. I go alone or with friends. I love decor and art, so I'll visit a furniture store or admire displays in some of the local places. I love to cook. I love to decorate my home. I love reading, listening to music, watching movies. I love to jump in the car and just drive around, exploring. I am looking forward to taking a small trip this spring, probably alone, to see a place I've never been to (still deciding where). I love my kids and family, of course, but they live hours away so I need to be able to entertain and also soothe myself if I'm feeling tired or down or frustrated. And I actually like my job and (most of) my coworkers. I have friends I do things with as well. Sometimes I want to hang out with them and sometimes either they aren't available or I prefer just going places alone. One of my absolute favorite things to do is to go to the little French cafe nearby, order a croissant and a French press of Chai tea, open up my tablet and look at houses I'll never be able to afford, or look at decor items. It's so relaxing.

 

If I sat around and waited to enjoy life until a man came along I'd have had a boring seven years LOL!

 

So...what do you enjoy? What gives you pleasure? What interests you?

[lostlove76]

Your life sounds fantastic. I wish I had the courage to go out and do things alone. I've always felt really self-conscious about that. I think it's awesome you can do that, and it certainly broadens your horizons. I also don't like going out with friends. I enjoy going places with my parents, because I don't have to be "on" around them - I can be myself, whatever mood I'm in. Friends take up way more energy than I possess. My parents are usually busy though, and I feel somewhat funny going out with them at my age (self-conscious about what people might think). Soooo, given all that, I stick to things that I can do alone and at home. There are a lot of things I've enjoyed in the past, and wish I could find joy in now. Reading, all kinds of arts and crafts, coloring, sitting out in the sun in the spring/summer, doing my nails, catching up on tv shows and movies, cleaning and organizing my room when the mood strikes, gardening and yard work, taking random pictures. These things are all about 1/10 as enjoyable now as they have been in the past, because of my current emotional state. I have 500+ unread books on my shelves that I've collected over the years, and I can't even concentrate enough to read any of them. I'm not even halfway through a book I started back in the fall. It's a good book, but I just haven't been able to stick with it. My (part-time) job is something that I should really be excited about, and while I do enjoy it, it's all I can do to get there. I've always loved animals, but I'm finding it really hard to be around hyper animals because I'm so emotionally closed off and have nothing to give; it just stresses me out, and I feel HORRIBLE about myself for that.

 

Like your current streak, I've always gone years between relationships. And I was usually okay, because I wasn't weighed down by heartache. I was just single. Now I'm single AND heartbroken. If I was just single, I would still be finding pleasure in the little things.

 

I also envy the trip you'll be taking. I want to go to the beach so bad, but have no one to go with. I can't go myself, with all my self-consciousness and driving anxieties. My mom has too much going on to go. And I don't feel it would be fair to ask a friend to go and then pretty much ignore them the rest of the year.

 

Do you ever worry you'll never find anyone again? Does it not make you feel like something is missing?

[boltnrun]

To answer your questions, no and no.

 

What is missing from my life? Yes, I miss sex. I could find anonymous, meaningless sex easily but I don't want that. But in a relationship, yeah, I like sex. And I'm not having any.

 

I figure if I really wanted to meet someone I'd be doing something about it. And I'm just not. Why, I don't know. Maybe because I like doing my own thing too much. I love being able to just jump in my car without someone whining "Where you going? When you going to be back? Who's going with you? How come you want to go out without me?"

 

I told you a bit about my ex husband. He's a good guy, he really is. But he wanted my life to consist of him and the kids. No one else. And I mean NO ONE, not even family members. He didn't want me to work because he wanted me totally dependent on him so he could make all the rules. He hated when I worked because he felt I met people who were "bad influences" on me. As in, they told me I could be a good wife and mother AND still do some things of my own. He disagreed. One of us would have had to "change" for the marriage to have succeeded and, as we all know, a relationship that requires one of the partners to "change" is the wrong relationship.

 

So, maybe that soured me. I've had three long-term relationships since my divorce. So I haven't been a hermit or a nun, but it's been seven years since the last one ended (with my cheating, lying ex boyfriend...that one was a doozy). And I realized that whatever it was that was so unhealthy in me that I'd stay with a guy like that for FOUR years, it needed to go before I could even consider trying to date again.

 

I don't know, maybe it's because my mother taught me that I didn't need a man to fulfill me. She told me over and over that if I wanted to accomplish something I could do it. If I wanted something, I could get it for myself. She taught me to always be able to rely on myself just in case things didn't work out in my marriage. She taught me to be strong and independent and to never feel like I was less of a woman just because there isn't a man currently who wants to take me out on dates or spend time with me.

 

And I have fantastic friends. I'm not sure why you feel like you have to put on an act or be "on" around your friends, because I never feel that way. They love me and accept me whatever mood I'm in, and I feel the same way about them. I can be cranky or moody or whatever, and they'll either give me a hug or offer to buy me a beer or give me a kick in the butt and tell me to get over myself. They're great people.

 

I suppose it's because despite the way my mother made me feel often (she put me down semi-regularly, then would encourage me...very hot and cold), I still think I am a person of value. I'm one heck of a cook and I'm loyal and I like to help others. I'm proud to do volunteer work. I like to garden (even though I suck at it lol!) and I love going for walks outside. I'm in reasonably good shape for a woman my age. I can write fairly well and help others edit their work. I got promoted at work within 7 months of starting with the company. So, to add all that up yet conclude that I'm not worth a darn because I don't have a man...well, I reject that. (And I know that's not what you're saying...you'd never say something like that!).

 

Sorry, I am going on and on about myself! Sorry lostlove and ksol.

 

I just want to help. It actually makes me feel sad to think that you believe you will never be happy again, or that you need someone else, a man, in order for your life to have meaning. You have meaning, all on your own. It's a matter of getting YOU to believe that, which is why I think therapy and/or medication would be a great idea.

 

I have no idea if any of my rambling has been helpful. But I'm here on a Saturday night because my plans to go to a food truck event got scratched when it insisted on pouring rain all day and night.

 

Lostlove and ksol, hope your days are better. I would love to read that you woke up with a smile someday very soon.

[lostlove76]

You're so kind, bolt. Your last paragraphs made me tear up. You're the kind of friend I would feel most comfortable with in real life (and ksol, and the rest of you too - if I start naming folks, I'll surely leave someone out). I bet I would enjoy hanging out with you on some of your excursions. Don't feel like you were rambling - I always enjoy reading what you write, whether it's about yourself or you're giving advice! I can't write much right now, because I just laid down to try to get some sleep and it's hard to type sideways, but wanted to acknowledge that I read your post. I will comment on it tomorrow. For now I think I'm going to read stories here until I can manage to drift off. Thanks for keeping me company tonight. Big hugs to you

[Ms Darcy]

It was more rhetorical, but thanks. Moving on at certain stages isn't as easy as you guys make it sound, I don't think. It's easy to say do this, do that, but when you're filled with depression and anxiety and can barely find the motivation or energy to do anything at all, "moving on" is not such a simple thing. What is holding me back is all the FEELINGS that I can't seem to come to terms with. The confusion, the anger, etc. I know no one can fix that for me. I don't know what else to do about that. I've read things, I've been over it in my mind a million times, I've been given comforting words, and still all the messy feelings remain. I'm doing the best I can, and most days that just means making it into work and back.

 

I agree with the advice about therapy.

 

Obese people don't change their feelings about food before they lose weight and keep it off. They often change their behaviors first (eat better bit by bit, exercise) and then their feelings change. I don't know how to say it any other way.

 

You're not going to magically wake up one day with different feelings UNLESS you are willing to feel this way for many more months or even years until you just get sick of feeling this way.

[Ms Darcy]

I talked to my mom AGAIN about therapy, and she said AGAIN that she would look into it for me. Every time something like this happens, it gets mentioned or talked about and then nothing comes of it. I figured it's best that she call since she'll be paying for it and I don't know what they can afford. She says she'll call and then she doesn't. I can barely find the motivation to do anything at all, including getting that started. Since she has said she would help, it would be nice if she followed through - but she hasn't yet. I guess if she doesn't do it this time, I'll just have to call myself. I guess it sounds silly that I don't just call in the first place. It's just all I can do to get to work every other day.

 

I don't remember all the details. You are over 20 years right? Why wouldn't you be the one to schedule everything for therapy? Even if your mom/parents paid for it. I do recognize that you are feeling depressed but it sounds like you can do it if you needed to.

[Ksol9]

If nothing changes, nothing changes. We have to try new things and put ourselves first in order for things to change. I've asked myself the same question you asked lostlove...how do I move on? It's not as simple as others think. Not when your heart is so attached to someone. He has no idea how much you still love and care for him. Everything that is happening is beyond your control and what do you do when things are out of your control? I remember reading a story here on ENA about a guy who was dumped. They were separated for about 8 or 9 months. They both dated others. When she saw he was entering a new relationship, one that seemed to be serious, she contemplated for about 2 months before coming forward to profess her love for him. They were in nc. He was still in love with her but they let eachother go and they seemingly had moved on..new activities, new relationships, etc. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you have to follow what you think is right for you. No one can answer that question for you. If you feel you've done all that you could do and you've waited long enough to see how things transpire with him, then you know you can try to move on with your life. Therapy is a good start. There's just something about hearing it from a trained professional. Allow life to take you where it's meant to take you. I know it sounds overwhelming. I think you should take some time to let everything settle in your mind, but pursue therapy first.

 

I just know everything you're feeling. I relate so much. I know what it like to only have energy for minimum which is work. It's not as easy as people think. Take things day by day, week by week. I said to myself that I would commit to 3 therapy sessions before I went. I went in there thinking it was for our relationship. As you know the relationship blew up the day before the appt. I went anyway. It ended up being the best decision I ever made. I have the smallest bit of direction and that's all I need to keep moving right now. You have to force yourself to make the smallest move in any direction.

 

I wrote this earlier in the evening and just couldn't finish writing. I'm not sure if I make any sense because emotionally I'm out of whack. I'm still feeling really down but I'm passing the time. I'm just resting a lot. wish I was sleeping a lot. Got some exercise in earlier as well. I'm taking care of myself and that's good enough for now I gusss. I just miss him a lot. I miss his smile, his embrace, his laugh, his presence. I just remembered something...I have been getting some weird phone calls lately. Maybe once or twice a week. This started right after we broke up. I have had the same number for years and I don't normally get calls from strange numbers..ever. The calls will be from different area codes. I'll say hello repeatedly and they'll hang up. Radio silence on the other end. Earlier today, I got a call from Denver, Colorado. He still has a phone number from Denver since they used to live there. I said hello 3 times and they hung up. I called the number back, out of service. Anyhow, this could have been anyone using a spoofed number, but it was either him or maybe he is seeing someone and she got the number from his phone. I mean it could be anything and could just be wrong numbers but the reason I mention this is because there was mention of spoof calling while we were together. I know he is aware of apps people use to make calls with disguised phone numbers. I also remember this happening during our last split. I think I wrote about it pages ago during the time I left him for the email. I just thought it was weird to be some sort of telemarketer on a Saturday from an area code the same as his phone number. Really strange, but again, it could be nothing.

 

Lostlove, hang in there. I completely understand what you are going through. I hear the pain and hopelessness in your posts. You're such a wonderful person. You just need to take a step in any direction. I wish I had more answers, but unfortunately that's how this thing works. The answers don't all come at once. You figure it out as you go. You just have to keep movin and shakin. Everything happens for a reason and I don't know what the reasons are but remember that we just have this one life to live. I tell myself this every single day. Find time to smile even when you don't want to or feel like it. Believe that you are worthy even if you don't feel like it. Slowly but surely your actions will match your thoughts. Believe it. I used to think that was silly, but thoughts really do become things. You don't have to forget about him. Keep him in your heart if you want, but you have to do this for you. I really hope and wish the best for you.

 

I'm typing sideways and I think I should try to go back to sleep. Love...that thing is so beautiful but it's so dangerous. Who would've thought....

 

Sleep well my friend. Will talk again soon.

[Ms Darcy]

Ladies, I would suggest letting go of the broken record that everyone thinks it's easy to move on from a relationship.

 

No one has said that and few believe that.

 

All that has been said is to do something. Generally therapy is a fabulous start. A good therapist can point you in the right direction for you ... Whether it's CBT or medication or any number of other avenues.

[UnchainedSoul]

I just wanted to say that Mrs. Darcy is right, no one ever said that getting over a relationship was easy. It's probably the hardest thing I ever had to do. I remember one man who haunted me for nearly 10 years. Imagine ten years being obsessed with the same person! And to this day I still think of him, definitely not as much as I used to, but the thought lingers sometimes. Anyway, bolt said some amazing things. You know I am still single and have been so for nearly 4 years. I have my best friend in my life yes, and other friends too, but do I miss companionship? Yes of course I do.

 

It's amazing you know the journey you ladies are on, is so hard. But you have to do it. Ksol is getting therapy, now its your turn lostlove. We have to get the strength to want to get help. To do something about it. I have lost interest in almost every activity I had in my life. My life is in a freefall at the moment, because of money, no job, and basically how I am going to eat in a week's tine. I just want to crawl up in a ball, but I get up and I go to therapy, I have lunch at my favorite place (even though I can't really afford it), but I try and do things for myself. Bolt said it beautifully, do it for YOU. You MUST start doing things for yourselves, no matter how small. One little battle a day. No one conquers a mountain if you are staring it as a little tiny person at the bottom. You look past the mountain at the little narrow path that leads around it or through it.

 

I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes, it's what you ladies are doing and it is my greatest fear. It's from Lord of the Rings The Two Towers, (I don't know if any of you are LOTR fans but I'm a huge one!)

 

Remember we are our own worst enemy and we lock ourselves in a pattern of the same circle over and over again and it's never ending.

 

]

[Ksol9]

In general, people who are not invested in your situation do not see what goes on behind closed doors or when you lay awake at night fighting with your thoughts to go to sleep. I don't think others do not understand or can not empathize. In fact, I'm sure they do, but it is only when you are in those particular shoes do you understand how difficult it really is to kick start yourself to head in another direction other than the one that has been leading you down a path to depression. It is easier said than done and much easier for some than others.

Thank you Ms. Darcy. Also, thank you UnchainedSoul, I have been wondering how you have been doing. I'm sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time, but I sense persistence and determination in your post. I admire you for your strength to get over those hurdles you face.

 

Another weekend has come and gone. I am spending the day just lounging around the house. I've put on a new charcoal clay face mask that I picked up. I'm doing some laundry and I'm also researching some pilates and meditation classes for this week. I initially wanted to sign up for yoga for stress relief, but pilates may be better suited for me and the type of work I want to do on my body. I have a pretty slim build and would like to tone and strengthen my muscles. I've never done pilates and I'm excited to get started. The mediation will be good for stress and mindfulness. Pilates on Monday and meditation on Tuesday. Therapy on Wednesday. That should give me something to look forward to for the better part of the week. I've never done pilates before so I need to go out and buy supplies that I will need for the class. I'll do that in the morning. I'm shy and reserved, but I don't have a problem pushing myself to do things alone. This should be interesting....

 

I hope everyone is enjoying their day. It's bright and sunny here in South Florida.

Lostlove, I hope you are doing well. Let me know how you're doing if you up for some writing. Take care.

[boltnrun]

I agree with Ms. Darcy and Unchained...I don't recall that I ever said it was "easy" to move on.

 

What I CAN guarantee is that if you (the collective you) do absolutely nothing different you will NOT move on.

 

Most things that are worthwhile are NOT easy. It sure as heck wasn't "easy" for me to give birth to my kids with zero pain medication. Because of pregnancy complications I was not able to be given any. I had to shove those little rugrats out with no kind of anesthesia at all. Easy? No way. Worth it! Absolutely.

 

Same with losing weight or graduating from med school or recovering from surgery. All of them difficult, all of them worth the effort. I have a friend who suffered a traumatic brain injury. There were some who thought he wouldn't survive. But he worked and worked, and today, while he's not back to his pre-injury state, he can walk and speak. He even got married and has two beautiful children! None of the work he did was "easy", but the alternative was to remain in a nursing home for the rest of his life, and that wasn't acceptable to him.

 

What's "easy" is doing nothing. Just keeping things as they are. Plus, that pain can be comforting. It's SOME kind of connection to the ex.

 

I've written several times about my friend, whose boyfriend broke up with her 23 years ago. She took the "easy" route, doing nothing. She says she doesn't "accept" his marriage to someone else because he promised to marry HER. She says it's wrong for someone to make promises and not keep them. So she's chosen to wait for him to fulfill the promises he made to her all those years ago, even though she hasn't even seen him in many, many years. Her choice means her life essentially came to a standstill 23 years ago. She was institutionalized a few years ago and then released, but since she stubbornly refuses to accept that he left and isn't coming back ("He PROMISED!!!"), she hasn't gotten any better. It's so sad.

 

No, it's not "easy". But as MLK said, instead of looking at the entire staircase and saying "I can't do that!", just take it one stair at a time.

 

Of course, of someone doesn't WANT to move on, all the advice in the world won't do any good. It has to be a choice.

 

ksol, I love what you've written today. I'm especially pleased to see you used the word "excited". Good for you! I hope you enjoy the Pilates classes.

[browneyedgirl36]

I talked to my mom AGAIN about therapy, and she said AGAIN that she would look into it for me. Every time something like this happens, it gets mentioned or talked about and then nothing comes of it. I figured it's best that she call since she'll be paying for it and I don't know what they can afford. She says she'll call and then she doesn't. I can barely find the motivation to do anything at all, including getting that started. Since she has said she would help, it would be nice if she followed through - but she hasn't yet. I guess if she doesn't do it this time, I'll just have to call myself. I guess it sounds silly that I don't just call in the first place. It's just all I can do to get to work every other day.

 

As for medicine, she keeps telling me I need it. The main thing holding me back with that is that I haaaaaaaaaate going to the doctor. I hate going at a certain time, and waiting and waiting to be seen, and then I think up all kinds of potential health concerns I feel I need to ask about (prone to hypochondria unless I completely don't allow thoughts of anything to do with health into my head.). And it's not just one appointment. You then have to go back regularly for refills and it's a pain in the a$$$.

And I don't know about this one, but maybe part of me is scared to feel better. If I start feeling better, then what? I won't have anyone (a boyfriend) to share it with. I don't even know what happy feels like anymore. During the past 2.5 years, the only time I was happy was when I was with him or talking to him, or feeling like things were good with us and I could then enjoy other moments in life. The rest of the time, I was miserable with worry. So for 2.5 years, my happiness has been completely tied up in him, and during the past 8 months, there has been zero happiness because he's been completely gone. I'm sure this all sounds stupid, but it's how I feel. I'm sure it's the depression talking, and I'll one day look back at this and be really embarrassed.

 

This -- the part I bolded above, is EXACTLY why therapy is so necessary for you. I think you're absolutely scared to feel better -- for whatever reasons. I don't know you, other than from your posts, but I am willing to bet that you suffer from serious self-esteem/self-worth issues, as well as co-dependency, and some emotional unavailability, hence your choice to stay stuck on a guy who was never really "available" to you and with whom you had a very rocky relationship.

 

It's a cliche, but some cliches ARE true: A healthy relationship is a complement to an already good life; it shouldn't -- and in fact doesn't -- make a not-so-happy person magically happy. And, healthy, stable, grounded, peaceful people tend to attract the same; until I was content with my life, feeling like I had a good, full life regardless of whether a man was in it or not (after YEARS of thinking I could "only" be happy if I was in a relationship), I wasn't going to meet anyone and have a solid, healthy relationship. Once I WAS peaceful and content (not "happy" all the time -- I don't think it's possible to be happy ALL the time in today's world!), once I could look at my life and say, out loud (and yes, I did this) "Regardless of what happens, I will be OK," THAT's when it happened: A new friend asked me if I was single, said she knew a great divorced guy with two wonderful kids, and did I want to meet him? I was nervous, but I was ready -- ready for whatever happened. Ready to meet once and decide we weren't a match. Ready to date for a bit and find we weren't compatible. Ready to fall in love and be together forever. Whatever, I was ready. I knew that, regardless of the outcome, I would be OK. That was the most important thing. I went in with NO expectations, something I'd NEVER done in my life. I had ALWAYS pinned so many hopes and expectations on EVERY meeting, suffered so much disappointment. I went in thinking, "If we like each other, great. If we don't...no harm, no foul." It was a pleasant, beautiful surprise that he turned out to be a GREAT guy -- someone who ticked 99.9% of my "boxes" for the type of person I wanted to be with. This could never have happened if I wasn't already in a good place in my life -- I truly believe that.

 

Now...how to get there. One step at a time. The first step: THERAPY. You are SO fortunate in that you have parents who care SO much about you, but (and please don't take this the wrong way...I know you're suffering right now and it's hard to be motivated)...you're making a LOT of excuses not to get therapy, not to get medications, etc. Trust me, I know. I HATE doctors. I could easily go down the hypochondria road if I let my mind go there, so I have to be very mindful not to. Ultimately, though, you have to fight for yourself!

 

Since you have such a good relationship with your mom, can you do this? Go to her and say "Mom, I desperately need your help. I have hit the bottom, and I need help to get out of this place I'm in. You had mentioned you'd help me find a therapist. I REALLY need you to do that, NOW. I don't want to live like this anymore. Please help me." I am confident that if your mom sees how awful you are feeling, if you tell her you can't do it alone right now, she will help you immediately. It's a lot like AA -- surrendering, saying "I can't do it alone; I need help." If you had a drug or alcohol problem, and you asked for help (or even if you didn't) I'll bet your mom would be right there to help you. This is only slightly different -- you need help, someone to help prop you up at a difficult time. Who better than your mom, the person who loves you more than anyone?

 

Once you get into therapy, you'll see your thinking start to gradually change. Look at ksol -- she is still having a very difficult time, but she's getting a ton of good insights in therapy, and over time, she'll move forward.

 

Once you start therapy, too, you'll start realizing that there is a BIG world out there -- that your world is much bigger than you have thought for so long. Start finding things you want to do, things you want to learn. For me: A friend/colleague got me to start writing again, and I joined her writing group. Another friend got me into running and I trained for a 5K, then a 10K, then a half marathon, and a marathon! I started doing a lot of cooking, baking, making things. Bought a house (something I had once thought I'd NEVER do "without a man.") I read. I traveled. I spent time with like-minded friends. My world became so much bigger than I had ever imagined.

 

I know you can do it. You just have to begin. The first place to go is your mom. Reach out -- just tell her, "I need help...NOW. I don't want to live like this anymore." That's where you begin. From there, small steps, day by day.

[browneyedgirl36]

In general, people who are not invested in your situation do not see what goes on behind closed doors or when you lay awake at night fighting with your thoughts to go to sleep. I don't think others do not understand or can not empathize. In fact, I'm sure they do, but it is only when you are in those particular shoes do you understand how difficult it really is to kick start yourself to head in another direction other than the one that has been leading you down a path to depression. It is easier said than done and much easier for some than others.

Thank you Ms. Darcy. Also, thank you UnchainedSoul, I have been wondering how you have been doing. I'm sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time, but I sense persistence and determination in your post. I admire you for your strength to get over those hurdles you face.

 

Another weekend has come and gone. I am spending the day just lounging around the house. I've put on a new charcoal clay face mask that I picked up. I'm doing some laundry and I'm also researching some pilates and meditation classes for this week. I initially wanted to sign up for yoga for stress relief, but pilates may be better suited for me and the type of work I want to do on my body. I have a pretty slim build and would like to tone and strengthen my muscles. I've never done pilates and I'm excited to get started. The mediation will be good for stress and mindfulness. Pilates on Monday and meditation on Tuesday. Therapy on Wednesday. That should give me something to look forward to for the better part of the week. I've never done pilates before so I need to go out and buy supplies that I will need for the class. I'll do that in the morning. I'm shy and reserved, but I don't have a problem pushing myself to do things alone. This should be interesting....

 

I hope everyone is enjoying their day. It's bright and sunny here in South Florida.

Lostlove, I hope you are doing well. Let me know how you're doing if you up for some writing. Take care.

 

I too am VERY happy to see you using the word "excited," ksol! It made me smile!

 

One little step at a time. That's how it's done. You're on your way. Keep going!

[lostlove76]

Hey everyone. I see that I'm way behind on reading new posts, but just wanted to check in and say hello. I've had a busy day, so I've only been able to read parts of some of them so far. I'll probably read them all when I get in the bed and then reply tomorrow. I'm housesitting and don't have my laptop with me, and the wifi isn't working so I'm probably using too much data as is. I'm going home for a few hours tomorrow and will reply then. I hope you're doing well, ksol, and the rest of you as well. I had a better day today, for whatever reason. Being at work was probably good for me. And also, it seems like any time I see some new bit of hurtful information, I'm devastated for a couple of days and then level back off. Anyways, I look forward to reading the posts in just a bit and will catch up with you all tomorrow!

[lostlove76]

Hi everyone. I feel so bad that I haven't responded to all the great posts yet. I need to quit saying that I'll do it at such and such time, because then I end up not doing it. I do apologize for that. I've been exhausted these past five days trying to house/petsit for two different families at once, and I haven't been getting enough sleep, so I just had to let everything else drop. I've been reading here, but just couldn't find the energy to write. They're all back in town now, thank goodness, so if I can get a good amount of sleep tonight then I'll be back to normal.

 

Instead of trying to quote, let me just reference a few things I remember popping out at me....

 

Bolt, you said you never have to feel "on" for your friends. Maybe I just place way too much pressure on myself and that's why I don't feel like I can just relax around most people. I'm a bit of a people-pleaser. If they're all hyper and cheerful, I feel like I have to match that or it will hurt their feelings. If they're laughing, I feel like I have to laugh. If they want to hang out for five hours, I feel like I can't politely get away. I simply don't have the energy to keep up with all of that. I need the space to be in my own head the majority of the time. It's a problem, always has been, as far back as I can remember. I can't seem to find a middle ground between total selfishness and total people-pleasing. I should probably start my own thread on this particular subject some time, because I don't know the solution. It's just sooo much easier to keep people at arm's length and accept that there are many things I'm missing out on by not keeping close friendships.

 

BEG, every time you mention that you discovered that you were emotionally unavailable, I find myself realizing that I'm probably that way too - to a huge degree, I'm sure. What does that phrase mean to you? How would you define it? It's one of those things that gets talked about a lot, especially in online relationship articles, but I find it hard to put my finger on exactly what it means. I need to explore that idea in more depth, and figure out how to become emotionally available.

 

Ksol, I notice you haven't written in a couple of days. How are you feeling? Your exercise plans sound exciting. Have you gotten started yet? I can't recall you ever mentioning the strange calls before (or if you have, it's been a while and I've forgotten). Did it just occur to you that it could be him? That's probably the first thing I would be thinking if I got strange calls. I agree that it sounds like it very well could be him. Have you thought of saying, "I know this is you" just to see if anyone says anything? If it's him, maybe he would speak up. If it's not him, no harm done. Just a thought.

 

If you get a chance to let us know how you're doing, please do. I've been thinking of you and wondering where you've been. I assume you just needed a bit of a break, which is understandable. I just hope you're doing okay. If you feel like chatting, I have access to my laptop and wifi and sleeping in my own bed again (hopefully getting more sleep), so I should be good to respond.

 

I know there's a lot I didn't reply to, but I read it all, and I thank you all for helping me through my most recent mini-breakdown. The care and advice given here is truly invaluable, and even though none of us know each other in real life, I really do love you guys

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove, nice to hear from you. I seem to wake up after falling asleep for a few hours and can't go back to sleep..this happens every night and I'm just not getting enough sleep these days. Thank you for checking in. You've been in my thoughts. I too haven't had the energy to write. My mood was ok until today. I just hit a brick wall again.

 

I went to Pilates on Monday. It was awesome. I really enjoyed it. Very cool for me to try something new. I havent done any real exercise in a long time, so I took a beating. My body aches and my muscles are sore. This is a good thing. I'll go once a week because the only other class they offer is ay 7 am and that's way too early for me. I'll do some light workouts at home during the week. I have therapy at noon. I was even crying about my body aching today. What a big baby.

 

I was holding up ok until today. I just had a breakdown. It's almost as I had all kinds of emotions pent up inside. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing for myself. Everything I said I want to do for myself, I am putting it into action, but who am I really fooling? I still miss him terribly. I just cried and cried about the stage I'm at in my life. I think about all of the things I want at this stage in my life and I think about how I'm just lost. I feel empty and lost. No better way to describe it. I still have hope that I'll hear from him again, but then I stop and think...he doesn't need me anymore. This isn't just another break. There is too much damage and too many bad comment that were made for us to reconcile. Neither one of us will reach out to eachother. Furthermore, I believe he doesn't want to be in a relationship. It would make a lot of sense why I haven't heard from him at this point. I think I've been in denial about all of those things. I block it out sometimes. I feel like I had a big eye opener today. I don't know what is real and what isn't. I can't see clearly. I know this is because my emotions are all over the place. Im also feeling very guilty...like I sabatoged my relationship..my whole life. I don't know how I got to this point. I understand this is a process. As much as I feel emotionally down today, I am focused on the bigger plan. I'm in therapy and I'm starting to do other activities that focus on self care. I know I'll be ok. Just having a rough time right now.

 

As for the phone calls. They are very infrequent. Maybe once or twice a week. I haven't gotten another since Saturday. It may just be telemarketers or some nonsense. I'm not thinking too much into it, but it is unusual for me to get strange calls. The only other time I remember this happening was during our last split and I remember it crossing my mind that it was him. Other than that, he hasn't been posting much online. He posted a few pictures from the last few days the children were here. Since the breakup he hasn't added any women other than the ones I spoke about early on after the break up. He added one recently and I realize he must have met her somewhere around town. Another single woman with 3 small children. He appears to be alone, but of course he's looking for some company since he's single. I get angry at times because I am a woman of quality. I know I shouldn't compare myself but thwse women are nothing like me. I feel like he lied to me for a long time. Like our relationship meant nothing to him. I've been so sad and hurt since we broke up and he just seems to be enjoying his life. I'm angry that I'm hurting and he's not. I wish I knew how to let go of this anger and resentment that I have for him. I'm angry that he has walked out on me so many times when things got rough. Is that something I want in a partner? No way! That is something I'll talk about with my therapist during my visit. This anger is not good at all. I don't want to carry this with me and it's not something I've been able to easily tame.

 

Other than that, I have direction and I'm healing. Just crying my way through it I guess. Sorry for venting. I know this post is probably all over rhe place. I haven't been writing because of that reason. Just emotionally all over the place. I've been keeping it inside and maybe that's why I blew up today.

 

How are you doing? Now that the housesitting is over, you'll be able to relax a bit. I'm sure it was stressful providing what you've been going through. I hope you are well. I miss chatting with you. Have a nice night. Talk soon.

[lostlove76]

Hey ksol. So good to hear from you! I miss chatting with you too. The housesitting was stressful, because I can't easily juggle more than one or two things at once. But it's over, and I'm back at home in my own element, and glad for it. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing, but it was so stressful that it somewhat distracted me from my heartache. Only somewhat, not totally. I couldn't sleep well, so thoughts of them in a relationship was often on my mind. I think I even dreamed of it, or half-dreamed of it when I was in and out of sleep. Very unpleasant. But for now, I'm just glad to be back home, so I'll focus on the positive, if only for a little while.

 

Everything you say, I know exactly how you're feeling. Seriously, every single thing. About not knowing what's real and what's not. You feel that way because you have no clue what he's thinking or feeling, and your mind is left to fill in the blanks. You think you've come to one conclusion, but it can change to something else in a heartbeat. Please just know that this is normal. There are so many ways to interpret his silence and the possible pokes, and it's all pure speculation since there's no communication between the two of you. So of course it is confusing and hard to come to any definite conclusions. I think that's the hardest part. If you had some better idea where his mind was, then you could deal with it accordingly, whether it's good or bad. But when you have no clue, it causes your imagination to run wild all over the place. It's truly crazy-making. You're torn between wanting to have hope, and protecting yourself by telling yourself there's no hope at all.

 

Please know that you can always post if you need to, even if it's all over the place. It doesn't have to make sense. Maybe we can help you make sense of it. This is just a place for getting it all out, so that it isn't festering inside. Of course, if you don't feel like writing, that is perfectly fine too.

 

About the calls. It's possible that it's him. I sometimes get random calls from numbers I don't know, but it's very rare. It's been a long time since I've gotten one. I never answer and they never leave a message. It's pretty obvious that it's a wrong number or some kind of scam. I think if your instincts are that it could be him, then it's highly possible that your instincts are correct. On the show Catfish, people often use some kind of google thing to place calls from online. I don't quite know how it's done, but it seems to be a thing.

 

I understand your anger and resentment and feeling like it all meant nothing to him. But I don't believe that it was insignificant to him at all. You lived together, you looked after the kids together. It was a serious relationship. Try to just remember that men are stupidly good at hiding their pain and their feelings. They must take pride in this, in pretending they don't care, because they think they have to be strong and unemotional. Heck, I even find my own self taking pride in not having shown mine that I care at all after I cut him off. And you know how far from the actual truth that is. Just remember that things aren't always as they seem. I think I've referenced this before, but that Brooks and Dunn song is so true: "It's my belief pride is the chief cause in the decline in the number of husbands and wives." He very well may be hurting just as much as you, but be too stubborn and prideful to show it.

 

Regardless, you are doing everything you're supposed to do. You're in therapy, you're making new goals for yourself, you're looking inward and learning and growing. There's really nothing more that you could or should be doing. It will just take time. Be proud of yourself for the steps you've taken, and patient with yourself that the results aren't immediate. You're an awesome person, ksol, in so many ways, and whoever ends up with you will be lucky to have you. If he doesn't realize this before it's too late, then he just wasn't ready within himself to receive something good. That's on him, not you. But I still feel like he's thinking of you and comtemplating things, so let's just take it one day at a time and see what happens.

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove, I appreciate so much that you understand what I am feeling. Its comforting to know I have your support. Your words make a difference. I have been going through a whirlwind of emotions. I also left my laptop at the office so I'm responding from my cell..I apologize for any typos or not making perfect sense.

 

Therapy went well. I feel a little bit overwhelmed because we started to form a plan to work on where I am headed next. We also spoke a lot about the heartache I've been experiencing these past few days. He kept saying that I'm being so hard on myself and that it hasn't been that long. It feels like many months since this all happened. A lot of pain in these past 7 weeks. He also recognized all of the action I have been taking to take care of myself. I felt validated regarding my progress. It's just hard. I love someone who just gave up on me and now I have to find a way to get him out of my system and move on with my life.

 

You mentioned the words crazy making and that is spot on. That's what it feels like. Crazy how you understand me btw. I feel like I don't know what'a real and what isn't. My emotions are so all over the place and I think that has a lot to do with the lack of clarity. I am making all the moves I feel I can possibly make with self care and therapy, but I still have that little bit of hope that he will turn things around and sometimes I feel like I am denial. You are absolutely correct that with all this silence, I don't know how to interpret it. I fill in the blanks with thoughts that he doesn't care about me. I feel like it isn't fair that I'm suffering and he is content. I remember you saying you felt the same about your situation. That you were angry and resentful that you are hurting and he has moved on. That is how I am feeling. I have anger and resentment and I catch myself thinking about why I'm angry with him. I know that doesn't matter anymore. It's over and now I have to form a plan of action to move on with my life. With all the obstacles and struggles, I'm still doing it. I saw him add another young woman today on Facebook. It didn't crush me like it normally would. In fact it triggered more anger and strength. She's probably 19 or 20 and is another friend collector. I highly doubt he knows her personally. I said to myself, what does this say about him? She's an attractive little thing, but as I scrolled her page I saw bitter posts about her children's father with another woman..words like, p***y and h*e. I scrolled a little further down and saw another post that stated something about..to be a proud American is to be uneducated...because any educated person would know there's nothing in American history to be proud of. I almost threw up...well not really, but I was pretty disgusted. I've said this before, I am a woman of quality. These are the women that spark his interest? What does that say about him? I just feel like I am losing respect for him by the day. How can I respect a man like that? He is on Facebook constantly. When I think about a man that I want to spend my life with, I think of an ambitious and hard working man. A man with goals and someone who lives with purpose and direction. He's hard working, but his job isn't so demanding of him lately and he has been working from home for the past year only leaving the house to check on the job site in the morning. I guess all these things I've been seeing..I'm just concluding that this is what his interests are and I am under no impression that he will change his mind. It sure looks like he is looking for someone new and he's entitled to do so. Sometimes things change and they are never the same again. This looks like one of those times. I guess that's life..life moves on and I have to move on too. I would never do to him what he has done to me. I am a good person and I still wish him the best and respect his wishes.

 

I remember you mentioning the brooks and Dunn song. I always keep that in mind. Him and I both said some pretty harmful things to eachother about not having feelings and not seeing a future. I didn't mean a word I said. Neither one of us will break this silence. He is a stubborn and prideful man, but I don't know if that is what's preventing communication between us. He seems to just want to move on with his life. He's not hurting like I am. I know this.

 

I think you and everyone else who has stuck by me through this whole thing are correct. This is just going to take time. I'm letting him go..I have to. In order to save myself, I have to let go. I'm learning and growing and I know all this progress that I'm making doesn't feel like progress, but it will in time. Time, time, and more time. It has been almost 2 months of nc and I still miss him, still hurting, but I'm going to make it.

 

Thank you for your kind words lostlove. None of this would have been possible without you and your support. Believe it or not but you've been there from the beginning giving me advice and support..even at all times of the night. You've made a huge difference and I just want you to know how thankful I am for everything.

 

So enough about me..how are you doing? Now that you're back in your own home, I sure hope you are at ease. I do think that since you were busy housesitting it probably served as a good distraction.

[Ksol9]

If he doesn't realize this before it's too late, then he just wasn't ready within himself to receive something good. That's on him, not you.

 

Thank you for this. This is what I'm choosing to believe in. I think I'm worth it and if he doesn't see that, then it is truly his loss. I am going to be better than I have ever been. I'm a work in progress.

 

I'll probably be up for a while. I'll check back in later. Talk soon.

[Ksol9]

Just need to get this out....

 

I went to pick up my car from the auto shop as I was getting the brakes replaced. The shop is about 20 minutes away. I get in my car and I turn onto the main road to head home and as I'm approaching the red light, there he was in the lane next to me. My palms immediately became sweaty. His windows were down and I see him looking around in his wing mirror. then his eyes fell straight on me as I was about roll past him. I thought about stopping before I got next to him. I didn't want to be stuck right next to him at the light. My mind was racing...if we end up next to eachother do I say hi, do I ignore, what do I do??? I decided not to be dramatic. I slowly drove forward and luckily the light turned green and I didn't have to make a complete stop. We were both headed in the same direction, so we drove for about 15 minutes. It was like gravity. I figured once he saw me he would stay his distance, but I looked in my rear view and I could see him veer in and out of traffic to get right behind me. When he got behind me, I moved to the next lane and made my way ahead a few cars. He did it again. Ended up right behind me. He doesn't know how much I still love him. He ended up turning into his community to go home and I carried on my way.

 

So strange how we can be driving within close proximity of eachother...see eachother and behave like strangers. Life is so weird sometimes.