Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

Hey lostlove. My appointment with the therapist is at 12 so I have a little bit to write. I hope you're doing well today.

 

I feel the same way about Valentine's Day. It's been being advertised and talked about for days now, everywhere you look. Everyone hates Valentine's Day unless they are happily coupled, so I vote that they just do away with this crappy holiday lol, ugh. Two more days, and then it's over with, though. I really don't think he'll be spending it with anyone else, although I understand that feeling. You've seen enough signs of him alone that it doesn't appear he's seeing anyone.

 

I'm trying to stay away from tv and the isles with Valentine's Day stuffed toys and chocolates. I'm missing him and the children a lot today. I'm holding on to my thinking that everything will eventually be ok. Although, he appears to be alone, I still don't really know what is going on in his life right now. It seems that he just doesn't want to be in a relationship right now.

 

Something just occurred to me. I wonder if he's posting these things on the chance that word of it will get back to you? Posting it publicly would be too obvious and he may feel silly doing that at this point. But posting it privately, one of your mutual friends could easily tell you what he's up to. I'm just wondering if he wants you to know that he's alone and not seeing anyone... either for later, to increase the chances of reconciliation when he gets the nerve to say something, or hoping that you'll reach out. It just seems odd to me to be posting so many videos of alone time. I don't see much of that, especially from guys. When people post things alone, it's usually girls being silly with those selfie masks you can add on, or lipsynching to a song. Just silly stuff. So why would he be posting himself doing solitary activities? Just a thought. Maybe he's just bored and lonely. Either way, he's alone, so that's good to know.

 

This could be a possibility. He also posted a meme on Insta saying...dear crush, do you think of me as much as I think of you? I sure hope so.

His cousin was the only person to like the post. He either knows that the only ghost follower is me or it was for someone else..who knows. There was a video he took of himself just commenting on his food he ordered at a restaurant. He seems to be very bored and he just has this "whatever" look on his face in he videos and pics. I can't imagine being alone for days on end like that. At least I have my family. I would be deep in depression. Even if he was missing me or thinking about me, it's not enough for him to contact me. He wants to be alone. I'm not putting much thought into the things I've seen online. My thinking is that he is taking this time to himself for whatever reason. When he's ready he will either reach out or just continue to move on with his life. But you have a good point.

 

Thank you for this. When I was writing about it, I was SO sure that he has a really close relationship with this new girl. Since then, earlier today, I saw something else that makes me think maybe I was wrong and maybe he's back with trashy married woman. Her friend just went back to the town where he lives for a visit, and was posting something about her soul being destroyed. Married woman commented "?" and then later, the friend commented back and said she's giving up on guys. The married woman's response, hours later, was "on my way back." So what does that mean?? In the post, the friend had tagged her location as that town. So I can't think of anything else it could mean except that she was in the middle of driving back down there. This girl is a complete idiot, I don't mind saying, and her comments are always cryptic and hard to understand, so I was trying to think if maybe she meant she's on her way back to giving up on guys too or something. But that doesn't really make sense. Maybe she meant that she's on her way back to the town hypothetically in the future. Just days ago, she was asking someone if they knew of any houses for rent in her area (closer to where she lives, not the town my ex lives). She's entirely unstable and could have picked up and went back there on a whim. If so, then she's there right now, and she's with him. And she's like a leech, so she won't be leaving until he decides to kick her out again months from now. She has no job, no money, and nowhere to stay other than with him. I really don't know what makes me feel worse - him with trashy married woman, having the time of his life because it's exciting and fun and she's "hot", or him treating new girl better than he ever treated me. Either way, he's most definitely not thinking of ME anymore, and he's not getting online much, and he was really just gone long long ago. You're right that I feel completely disconnected and have no clue what's really going on in his life anymore, beyond all this guessing. It's a crappy feeling to go from being so very close to someone, to being complete strangers like you never even knew each other.

 

Hmm..if she has gone back to his town, it doesn't sound like she's with him. Maybe she stays with her friend. Remember people only post what they want others to see. Only what they want to portray on social media. Even comments are in accordance to what they want to portray. I would think any conversation about what was really going would be through text or phone call. Her comment is so open ended, you can't really figure out what is going on there. I just feel like he isn't with anyone. He's probably single and just mingling. No one serious. I know what it's like to have something in your mind that you just want to solidify some way, some how. You have yet to see any signs that he has found someone and is rolling off into the sunset and until that time, it's not use coming to any other conclusion. The married woman is so unstable and it doesn't look like her life will be in order anytime soon. If they have anything going on, it's nothing to worry about for long.

 

I admire and envy you for coming to this peaceful way of thinking. I hope it sticks, because you deserve to feel peace in your life. Even if you backtrack a little (which would be perfectly normal), just the fact that you're feeling this way now is good progress. I know it all still hurts, but I'm sure it makes the future seem a little less bleak to believe that things will all work out as they should. I really do believe that he is thinking about you, and thinking things over... especially since there's so much evidence that he's been alone. Unlike mine, he's taking the time to process and figure things out rather than jumping to something else. Don't give up hope; I still feel there is a good chance you'll hear from him when he's ready. He probably feels embarrassed at this point, like we were talking about a while back, at having put the both of you through this so many times now; so that may delay his reaching out, but hopefully his heart will win out above all else.

 

Keep hanging in there, ksol. Like you said, one day at a time. Try not to worry about VDay, as I really highly doubt he will be with anyone. Just try to ignore what day it is, and get through it, and by Wednesday it'll be over. Hope you get some sleep tonight. Chat later.

 

I really hope you're right. I hope he is thinking of me just as much as I am thinking of him. And I hope he finds the strength and the courage to reach out. I do have a lot of faith that thing will work out if I ever speak to him again or not. I do believe there is a bit of embarrassment involved. I am embarrassed too. All the things that were said. He'd have to retract and my family. Oh gosh it's just a whole big mess. Sometimes I think he knows what mess it is..no matter the embarrassment, if he wanted to be with me, he would find a way around all of this.

 

Well I've got to run, talk later. Hope you have a wonderful day.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I read your post but will have to reply later, I'm sorry. I just found my confirmation that he and new girl are together She just changed her profile pic to one of her and him with their heads together, smiling, with a heart frame. I knew it. I don't even know how to feel or what to do. I feel stupid for hanging on this long when he's gone through girl after girl and is now in something serious, while I've hung on hoping he'll miss me and call. Just stupid. He forgot about me and moved on soooo long ago, and now he's completely happy with someone else. How do I cope with this? I don't know what to do. I know I need to focus on myself, but how to get over the pain and feelings of inadequacy, and just plain stupidity on my part. He hurt me so bad when it ended (and all the times before that), and he's the one who wasn't a good person, but he's the one who gets to move on and be happy and have this whole new life while I'm left in the dust and sad and depressed for 8 months. It sounds whiny to say it's not fair, but it isn't. I bet tomorrow they'll change their relationship status. This girl seems sweet, and yet I find myself really not liking her. Why does she get to have the best of him, yet I somehow wasn't worthy? I was sweet too, until he hurt me so many times that I became untrusting and on guard all the time - and even then, I was still sweet the majority of the time. They obviously have something serious or she wouldn't feel comfortable advertising it in such a way. It will last, because they're down there together. It's a small place, so he won't be able to distance and flirt around behind her back like he did with me.

 

See, I just knew it. My imagination turned out to be totally on target. I saw 3 things - the heart like, his mom as her friend, and the smiley comment on her cover photo - plus their on and offline times coinciding - and I knew.

 

I don't even know what to say. It's time to move forward, some how some way. I can't wait around until they break up and keep hoping he'll call or move back here. It's never going to happen. Such an idiot to ever have thought that was even a possibility

 

I hope your therapy appt went well. Let me know how it went.

[Ksol9]

Oh lostlove, I'm so sorry. Your intuition about them being together was correct. I just got back from my appt. I haven't gone home yet. I'm just sitting at the park getting some fresh air. I will head home to write in a few. I know how hard this is on you. Love is so brutal...sometimes I wonder how something so good can totally destroy you all at the same time.

 

I'm just really sorry. I feel really sad that you're sad. I'll be back in a little while to respond more to your last post once I'm settled at home on my laptop.

[lostlove76]

Oh lostlove, I'm so sorry. Your intuition about them being together was correct. I just got back from my appt. I haven't gone home yet. I'm just sitting at the park getting some fresh air. I will head home to write in a few. I know how hard this is on you. Love is so brutal...sometimes I wonder how something so good can totally destroy you all at the same time.

 

I'm just really sorry. I feel really sad that you're sad. I'll be back in a little while to respond more to your last post once I'm settled at home on my laptop.

 

Thank you ksol

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. I read your post but will have to reply later, I'm sorry. I just found my confirmation that he and new girl are together She just changed her profile pic to one of her and him with their heads together, smiling, with a heart frame. I knew it. I don't even know how to feel or what to do. I feel stupid for hanging on this long when he's gone through girl after girl and is now in something serious, while I've hung on hoping he'll miss me and call. Just stupid. He forgot about me and moved on soooo long ago, and now he's completely happy with someone else. How do I cope with this? I don't know what to do. I know I need to focus on myself, but how to get over the pain and feelings of inadequacy, and just plain stupidity on my part. He hurt me so bad when it ended (and all the times before that), and he's the one who wasn't a good person, but he's the one who gets to move on and be happy and have this whole new life while I'm left in the dust and sad and depressed for 8 months. It sounds whiny to say it's not fair, but it isn't. I bet tomorrow they'll change their relationship status. This girl seems sweet, and yet I find myself really not liking her. Why does she get to have the best of him, yet I somehow wasn't worthy? I was sweet too, until he hurt me so many times that I became untrusting and on guard all the time - and even then, I was still sweet the majority of the time. They obviously have something serious or she wouldn't feel comfortable advertising it in such a way. It will last, because they're down there together. It's a small place, so he won't be able to distance and flirt around behind her back like he did with me.

 

See, I just knew it. My imagination turned out to be totally on target. I saw 3 things - the heart like, his mom as her friend, and the smiley comment on her cover photo - plus their on and offline times coinciding - and I knew.

 

I don't even know what to say. It's time to move forward, some how some way. I can't wait around until they break up and keep hoping he'll call or move back here. It's never going to happen. Such an idiot to ever have thought that was even a possibility

 

I hope your therapy appt went well. Let me know how it went.

 

Firstly, don't ever feel ashamed or silly for the feelings you've had for him up until this point. We are all different and you did what you thought was best for yourself by putting your foot down and demanding some sort of commitment from him. He went on his way and has had a string of relationships thereafter. People don't just magically change unless they take some time off to really work on themselves. I don't know that he has done this work on himself. Things just have to take it's course. I think you shouldn't put any pressure on yourself about anything. Just let it settle in. I know how you must be feeling and I'm sorry that you've had to endure all of this for the past 8 months. Did you see the photo this morning?

 

Also, does he have other family in the town he is living in or did he just move there for work? I remember you said his mom lives in your town? All of his family lives in your town?

 

Hang in there lostlove, I'm sorry you're having to go through this yet again.

[boltnrun]

Lostlove, he did NOT "forget about" you!

 

He most likely realized he was wrong for you. He kept hurting you over and over, and he knew it.

 

He was not the guy you needed.

 

Sometimes we can love someone but still know we're wrong for them (and they're wrong for us).

 

I did care a lot about my ex husband. He's a good guy. Wonderful father, good provider, 110% focused on his family, hard worker and honest. BUT, I would have had to change and give up things that are important to me (friends, spending time with family [yes, he wanted me to not see my family and focus solely on him and our kids, and he didn't even care to see his own family!], having a job and a little money of my own, hobbies) in order to make him happy. In essence, I'd have had to change fundamentally to be the wife he wanted, and that just wasn't going to work. Also, he was the type to throw himself into his job (worked 13 hours a day AND went in on weekends and holidays) and that was upsetting to me and our kids. So, I let him go so I could stop making him miserable because he doesn't deserve to be unhappy, and so he could have the chance to find the right woman for him.

 

And I bet your ex knows you don't deserve to be unhappy either. Remember, you were unhappy a lot!

 

I get it, you'd rather be unhappy with him than without him, but there's no way this ever would have resolved itself. The only way would have been if one or the other of you changed fundamentally, and, again, that is not feasible.

 

And I've been "alone" for years now. And I am not miserable. So, having a boyfriend is not the only road to happiness. Because, as you saw, having the wrong boyfriend doesn't make you happy...it just makes you a woman with the wrong boyfriend.

 

I hope you can spend time with your parents and allow them help you to deal with this new development.

 

You're a nice woman. Lots of people appreciate a nice woman. Remember that.

[Ksol9]

Therapy went well. I had a nice chat with him. This was the first time that I was able to start talking to him about my future goals. I wasnt really able to even think about that since moving out because my mind was so cluttered with thoughts of him and the specs behind the breakup. I feel like I've made peace with why it all happened and who did what. I know both of our roles in this whole thing. As a result, I have a clearer direction on where I'm headed in terms of therapy and what I need to work on to make sure I don't make the same mistakes in future. My therapist basically suggested that in situations where you are unsure, the best thing to do is nothing. He told me the same thing in regards to NC. I kept saying I wanted to save the relationship and that I didnt know what to do. Even those couple of days after I moved out, he was texting me and I did nothing. I remember my therapist kept telling me I did the right thing. Now as I have been lightly playing with the idea of going back to school to finish my masters, he said that it would be best to wait. Here's why...

 

I think I've lived my whole life up until this point doing what I thought was the "right" thing and many times the right thing was for everyone else...my parents, my significant other. All of my decisions have been based on what I thought others would want. This is probably the first time in a long time that I will be able to make a decision for myself and do it solely for myself. Do what will make ME happy. The ideas of school and so forth are just little thoughts that have crossed my mind since I have been thinking about the future. Nothing is set in stone yet, I'm just now starting to think about these things. In my heart, I am still very much in love with him and I really wish things were different, but I need to change. I need to raise my self confidence and do things for myself. I need to do something different in my life in order to get out of this dark place I've been in. If I don't change, I will continue to spin the same circles in any relationship Im in with him or someone else. I need to learn to take care of myself, to follow my dreams, and be happy from within. That is so important and it's really strange that I didn't learn about this until now. In all my 32 years, I thought self love and self confidence was something you just have...I had no idea that you have to maintain and take care of these things. Especially as a woman, you have to take time for yourself. There are so many new habits that I have to acquire and I think the true test will be when I enter into a relationship. I will have to continue take care of myself or I will end up in the same situation again.

 

He said that he sees great things for me and he sees plenty of changes already taking place I wish there was a way to make things right, but there isn't anything I can do to save the relationship. I found it interesting that when my therapist spoke about him today, he said that he has alot of work to do on himself and he will not find himself being happy until he does so. He said he may find someone to be in a relationship, but it wont be a happy one at all. I wonder what he see about him that I don't. He also went on to explain that he believes there will come a time he will contact me again and I will need to be in a good place to make the right decision for myself. Those things don't really make sense to me right now, because all I see is that he is moving on with his life because he felt this was never going to work.

 

He did say that it has only been 6 weeks since the breakup and that I needed to just sit on my thoughts and take things slow. He said to be patient with myself. Goals and direction will come in time just as long as I am focused on self care, self worth, self respect...ect.

I don't know what is going to happen. All I know is that I am working on myself and I am trying to find myself again. I am trying to find peace and happiness. That's all. I am going to take his advice, because it is what makes sense to me at this point, I'm going to just sit still. I am holding on very tightly to the mentality that I have right now about the whole thing. I have faith that everything is going to work out for the best. If it's meant to be...it will be. Everything will fall into place in time.

[lostlove76]

Firstly, don't ever feel ashamed or silly for the feelings you've had for him up until this point. We are all different and you did what you thought was best for yourself by putting your foot down and demanding some sort of commitment from him. He went on his way and has had a string of relationships thereafter. People don't just magically change unless they take some time off to really work on themselves. I don't know that he has done this work on himself. Things just have to take it's course. I think you shouldn't put any pressure on yourself about anything. Just let it settle in. I know how you must be feeling and I'm sorry that you've had to endure all of this for the past 8 months. Did you see the photo this morning?

 

Also, does he have other family in the town he is living in or did he just move there for work? I remember you said his mom lives in your town? All of his family lives in your town?

 

Hang in there lostlove, I'm sorry you're having to go through this yet again.

 

Thanks ksol. I'll try to just let my feelings settle and go from there. There's not a thing I can do about any of this, with him. He's moved on. I've been trying to accept and cope with that for 8 months now, and I still can't find peace with it. I did see the picture this morning/afternoon, yes. Right before I posted here, whatever time that was. He just moved there for work. He randomly picked that city, went down and applied for jobs, got accepted for one and moved within days. Didn't know anyone, didn't have a place lined up to live. His parents and grandmother live here, they all grew up here. No siblings.

 

One reason I feel so stupid is because I was half convinced that he was looking for me that time when he was online so much. I wanted it to be true. They probably had a tiff and he was lurking around because of her. Then they made up and everything was great.

 

You say people don't change without taking the time alone to do so, and I hope that's true. If he turns into a great guy for her, when he treated me so horribly, what does that say about me? And even if he's the same, she's still getting all those amazing parts of him. When he wasn't being cold and distant, he was the sweetest, most lovable thing I've ever met in my entire life. If he doesn't blow hot and cold on her, she'll just get all the good parts. He was SO cold to me, SO many times, for no other reason than he just didn't want to be close sometimes. His moods could change from day to day for no reason at all. It was horrible. There was nothing I did to provoke that. If anything, he did it after we'd been super close and loving. Will he do that with her, or is he just Mr Perfect now? Were all the loving things he said to me complete lies? These are just my thoughts.

 

How was therapy?

[boltnrun]

"He was SO cold to me, SO many times, for no other reason than he just didn't want to be close sometimes. His moods could change from day to day for no reason at all. It was horrible."

 

Yep, I remember this.

 

If he had come back to you, you'd have been in for more of the same. I remember how miserable you were a lot of the time. It wasn't the wonderful fairy tale connection all the time. In fact, a LOT of the time it wasn't.

 

He is WRONG for you. Period. Any man who puts you through misery as often as he did is wrong for you.

[lostlove76]

Lostlove, he did NOT "forget about" you!

 

He most likely realized he was wrong for you. He kept hurting you over and over, and he knew it.

 

He was not the guy you needed.

 

Sometimes we can love someone but still know we're wrong for them (and they're wrong for us).

 

I did care a lot about my ex husband. He's a good guy. Wonderful father, good provider, 110% focused on his family, hard worker and honest. BUT, I would have had to change and give up things that are important to me (friends, spending time with family [yes, he wanted me to not see my family and focus solely on him and our kids, and he didn't even care to see his own family!], having a job and a little money of my own, hobbies) in order to make him happy. In essence, I'd have had to change fundamentally to be the wife he wanted, and that just wasn't going to work. Also, he was the type to throw himself into his job (worked 13 hours a day AND went in on weekends and holidays) and that was upsetting to me and our kids. So, I let him go so I could stop making him miserable because he doesn't deserve to be unhappy, and so he could have the chance to find the right woman for him.

 

And I bet your ex knows you don't deserve to be unhappy either. Remember, you were unhappy a lot!

 

I get it, you'd rather be unhappy with him than without him, but there's no way this ever would have resolved itself. The only way would have been if one or the other of you changed fundamentally, and, again, that is not feasible.

 

And I've been "alone" for years now. And I am not miserable. So, having a boyfriend is not the only road to happiness. Because, as you saw, having the wrong boyfriend doesn't make you happy...it just makes you a woman with the wrong boyfriend.

 

I hope you can spend time with your parents and allow them help you to deal with this new development.

 

You're a nice woman. Lots of people appreciate a nice woman. Remember that.

 

Thank you bolt

 

My parents just went somewhere. I'm glad, because I just want to be alone. I got irritated with my mom about something and accused her of always picking on me while I'm down. I think it's best that I'm just alone for the rest of the day, as much as possible.

[lostlove76]

Therapy went well. I had a nice chat with him. This was the first time that I was able to start talking to him about my future goals. I wasnt really able to even think about that since moving out because my mind was so cluttered with thoughts of him and the specs behind the breakup. I feel like I've made peace with why it all happened and who did what. I know both of our roles in this whole thing. As a result, I have a clearer direction on where I'm headed in terms of therapy and what I need to work on to make sure I don't make the same mistakes in future. My therapist basically suggested that in situations where you are unsure, the best thing to do is nothing. He told me the same thing in regards to NC. I kept saying I wanted to save the relationship and that I didnt know what to do. Even those couple of days after I moved out, he was texting me and I did nothing. I remember my therapist kept telling me I did the right thing. Now as I have been lightly playing with the idea of going back to school to finish my masters, he said that it would be best to wait. Here's why...

 

I think I've lived my whole life up until this point doing what I thought was the "right" thing and many times the right thing was for everyone else...my parents, my significant other. All of my decisions have been based on what I thought others would want. This is probably the first time in a long time that I will be able to make a decision for myself and do it solely for myself. Do what will make ME happy. The ideas of school and so forth are just little thoughts that have crossed my mind since I have been thinking about the future. Nothing is set in stone yet, I'm just now starting to think about these things. In my heart, I am still very much in love with him and I really wish things were different, but I need to change. I need to raise my self confidence and do things for myself. I need to do something different in my life in order to get out of this dark place I've been in. If I don't change, I will continue to spin the same circles in any relationship Im in with him or someone else. I need to learn to take care of myself, to follow my dreams, and be happy from within. That is so important and it's really strange that I didn't learn about this until now. In all my 32 years, I thought self love and self confidence was something you just have...I had no idea that you have to maintain and take care of these things. Especially as a woman, you have to take time for yourself. There are so many new habits that I have to acquire and I think the true test will be when I enter into a relationship. I will have to continue take care of myself or I will end up in the same situation again.

 

He said that he sees great things for me and he sees plenty of changes already taking place I wish there was a way to make things right, but there isn't anything I can do to save the relationship. I found it interesting that when my therapist spoke about him today, he said that he has alot of work to do on himself and he will not find himself being happy until he does so. He said he may find someone to be in a relationship, but it wont be a happy one at all. I wonder what he see about him that I don't. He also went on to explain that he believes there will come a time he will contact me again and I will need to be in a good place to make the right decision for myself. Those things don't really make sense to me right now, because all I see is that he is moving on with his life because he felt this was never going to work.

 

He did say that it has only been 6 weeks since the breakup and that I needed to just sit on my thoughts and take things slow. He said to be patient with myself. Goals and direction will come in time just as long as I am focused on self care, self worth, self respect...ect.

I don't know what is going to happen. All I know is that I am working on myself and I am trying to find myself again. I am trying to find peace and happiness. That's all. I am going to take his advice, because it is what makes sense to me at this point, I'm going to just sit still. I am holding on very tightly to the mentality that I have right now about the whole thing. I have faith that everything is going to work out for the best. If it's meant to be...it will be. Everything will fall into place in time.

 

I'm glad you had such a productive appointment. You really seem to be doing a lot better these past few days, with an outlook that is much more filled with peace and optimism. This is great progress, ksol. As for going for your masters, I agree that it's best to wait - at least for a little while. My own reasoning for this is that if you try to jump into such a major undertaking right now, you may find yourself unable to handle it. Wait until you're feeling stronger, without these emotions dragging you down day by day. Wait until your mind is clearer so that you can focus. Wait until you're taking better care of yourself and getting more sleep, so that you have the energy to do everything that comes along with going back to school - getting your schedule set up, interacting with people, studying, etc. There's nothing at all wrong with waiting for a little bit; you may be in a much better place 6 months down the road. At least you have the goal, which is great. No rush!

 

That's interesting about sitting still and doing nothing. I agree with that too. Sometimes you just don't know which direction to go or what actions to take, or even how to feel or what to think. If you just sit with it, sometimes it works itself out and clarity comes over time. I guess that's what I've been doing, come to think of it. Just processing and letting things take their course. I'm sure it feels somewhat relieving to get confirmation from your therapist that this is okay, and is in fact healthy. You've been given a sort of "permission," from an expert, and that in itself can be very helpful in taking the pressure off yourself.

[lostlove76]

"He was SO cold to me, SO many times, for no other reason than he just didn't want to be close sometimes. His moods could change from day to day for no reason at all. It was horrible."

 

Yep, I remember this.

 

If he had come back to you, you'd have been in for more of the same. I remember how miserable you were a lot of the time. It wasn't the wonderful fairy tale connection all the time. In fact, a LOT of the time it wasn't.

 

He is WRONG for you. Period. Any man who puts you through misery as often as he did is wrong for you.

 

Yes, it was downright awful at least 50% of the time. The goods were amazing, but the bads were devastating. The problem is that I'm now left with only the bads; I don't even get to have any of the goods. But I couldn't keep going on like that, which is why I gave that ultimatum and stuck to it. It had to end, one way or another. I remember being so worried all the time about whether or not he was going to call, and you would always assure me that he would. And he usually did. But just the fact that I had to worry so constantly says that something wasn't working, I guess.

 

Do you think he's going to treat her better?

[boltnrun]

I have no idea if he's going to treat her "better". No one can know.

 

But, she may be a different kind of person. For example, I would be fine with seeing/communicating with someone I'm dating every other day. In fact, it might even be a bit too much for me. I wouldn't have felt sad or neglected if he had things he was doing that meant I wouldn't hear from him for a couple of days. I would find it stifling if a man wanted to be around me all the time! And I am a combination of social and a loner; sometimes I want to be around friends and sometimes I prefer doing things by myself. For example, I really dislike going shopping for something specific with a friend. I just want to take my time and not have to worry about keeping someone waiting or dragging them from one store to another. But other times I love being around friends in a lively environment.

 

So, if this woman is a different personality type, she may be fine with only seeing him once or twice a week. He may feel less pressured with a woman who is strongly independent and has her own activities, friends, hobbies, etc., someone who wants to spend time with him but has other things to do as well. You're more the type to want to cocoon with the man you're dating, spending time at home with him or going places just the two of you. Maybe he wants more of a balance between time together and separate time, and she is that type.

 

But, no one can possibly know how he'll "treat" her because we don't know their dynamic.

 

All I know is what you've written, which is that you spent a lot of time unhappy. The right man won't make you unhappy 50% of the time.

[lostlove76]

I have no idea if he's going to treat her "better". No one can know.

 

But, she may be a different kind of person. For example, I would be fine with seeing/communicating with someone I'm dating every other day. In fact, it might even be a bit too much for me. I wouldn't have felt sad or neglected if he had things he was doing that meant I wouldn't hear from him for a couple of days. I would find it stifling if a man wanted to be around me all the time! And I am a combination of social and a loner; sometimes I want to be around friends and sometimes I prefer doing things by myself. For example, I really dislike going shopping for something specific with a friend. I just want to take my time and not have to worry about keeping someone waiting or dragging them from one store to another. But other times I love being around friends in a lively environment.

 

So, if this woman is a different personality type, she may be fine with only seeing him once or twice a week. He may feel less pressured with a woman who is strongly independent and has her own activities, friends, hobbies, etc., someone who wants to spend time with him but has other things to do as well. You're more the type to want to cocoon with the man you're dating, spending time at home with him or going places just the two of you. Maybe he wants more of a balance between time together and separate time, and she is that type.

 

But, no one can possibly know how he'll "treat" her because we don't know their dynamic.

 

All I know is what you've written, which is that you spent a lot of time unhappy. The right man won't make you unhappy 50% of the time.

 

That makes good sense. She may not feel mistreated if he goes MIA sometimes, and therefore wouldn't put any pressure on him about it. It always upset me, because I felt like he didn't care about me at all on those days (despite seeming to love me sooo much on the days we did talk or were together). I was always upset and worried about it, always afraid he was off somewhere cheating. One thing that caused so much worry was that I KNEW he had a history of cheating and disappearing on past girlfriends, so I didn't trust that he was just innocently doing his own thing on our off days. This new girl has no clue of his history, so she has nothing to fear or be alert about. Another thing was that on the off days, he wouldn't even answer a text - or would answer coldly hours after I sent it (the very few times I did text, since I learned early on not to). If it wasn't for those factors, I wouldn't have minded being apart every other day. I didn't mind him doing his own thing; I just didn't trust that that's what he was actually doing. In the very beginning, before we broke up that first time, he did text every single day. Said good morning when he got up. Said goodnight. It all changed after that first breakup, and never went back to as good as it was.

[lostlove76]

He just liked her picture of them It's probably time to stop looking, isn't it.

[boltnrun]

Well, see, that's a big difference.

 

You chose to date him knowing he had a history of cheating. I presume you figured he wouldn't do that to YOU. But inside, you feared he would. And that tainted the relationship for you. Lack of trust creates more fear. You adjusted your behavior ("learned" not to text him on "off" days) to try to mitigate your fear, but it didn't work.

 

And, very often, once there's been a breakup things are not the same. Because you know this person has the capacity to hurt you and, again, you are fearful. And fear has no place in a love relationship. Neither do stress or anxiety.

[boltnrun]

He just liked her picture of them It's probably time to stop looking, isn't it.

 

Well, yes. Now you are deliberately hurting yourself.

 

Love yourself. You are deserving of your own love.

[lostlove76]

Well, see, that's a big difference.

 

You chose to date him knowing he had a history of cheating. I presume you figured he wouldn't do that to YOU. But inside, you feared he would. And that tainted the relationship for you. Lack of trust creates more fear. You adjusted your behavior ("learned" not to text him on "off" days) to try to mitigate your fear, but it didn't work.

 

And, very often, once there's been a breakup things are not the same. Because you know this person has the capacity to hurt you and, again, you are fearful. And fear has no place in a love relationship. Neither do stress or anxiety.

 

You are right. Such a huge mess of a relationship, the entire thing. These two don't have that kind of history - breakups and fears and worries and hurts. It's all just new and fresh and good and perfect. Which just kills me. Gah, why does this have to suck so much. I feel no peace at all. If he wasn't with someone else, I can tell you that it would be a million times easier to have accepted things and reached some kind of peaceful conclusion, and taken a more objective look at things like you're offering here. I could have dealt with it all so much better. It's the fact that he's been with others since day 1 of the breakup, practically, and is now seemingly in love again, that hurts the worst and is absolutely the hardest part of all of this.

[lostlove76]

Well, yes. Now you are deliberately hurting yourself.

 

Love yourself. You are deserving of your own love.

 

I will be honest and say that I don't love myself at all right now. Not one bit. Which is the whole problem, I suppose. Maybe I'll eventually get there. Thank for you telling me I deserve better

[boltnrun]

I found that when I was feeling low (after my ex cheated on me and then dumped me via email to be with the young girl he'd been cheating on me with), it helped a lot to be around people who care about me. They told me that I was a good person who deserved better treatment, and that I didn't need that guy in my life. They encouraged me, gave me tough love when I needed a kick in the heiney, and made me understand that HE doesn't define me. I do. My worth doesn't depend on whether or not that guy wanted me.

 

And yours isn't tied up with him either. You are worthwhile, and it has nothing to do with him.

 

Now, re-read this until you start to believe it! Because it's true.

 

And please stop torturing yourself by looking at her Facebook. I'm sure it doesn't feel good. Try to be nice to yourself.

[lostlove76]

I found that when I was feeling low (after my ex cheated on me and then dumped me via email to be with the young girl he'd been cheating on me with), it helped a lot to be around people who care about me. They told me that I was a good person who deserved better treatment, and that I didn't need that guy in my life. They encouraged me, gave me tough love when I needed a kick in the heiney, and made me understand that HE doesn't define me. I do. My worth doesn't depend on whether or not that guy wanted me.

 

And yours isn't tied up with him either. You are worthwhile, and it has nothing to do with him.

 

Now, re-read this until you start to believe it! Because it's true.

 

And please stop torturing yourself by looking at her Facebook. I'm sure it doesn't feel good. Try to be nice to yourself.

 

Thanks bolt. I don't even know what to do with myself for the rest of the day. I'm just laying here crying. I did log out of my dummy facebook account, which I only use to look at their pages (in case I ever accidentally hit the like button or something) - logged out and closed the page on my phone. It doesn't feel good to look, not at all. Not only did he like the pic, he hearted it. While sober (because he'd be at work when he did this). He's obviously fallen in love with her, I have zero doubt. I hope I can remain strong and not look anymore. The time has come. There was always some purpose to looking, since I never really knew what was going on and I was trying to figure it out but hoping he was single; or waiting for the married woman to leave, months ago. Now there's no purpose; he's with her, it's new, it's going to last for a good long while. There is no longer any hope to be had. Looking will just be continued torture, and it's really time to stop. I don't even trust myself that I can stop. It's become such a daily habit, and it's so easy to do. But I am admitting right here right now that it is time to stop, and I've never felt that way before. I just know they're going to change their relationship status in the next couple of days, since it will be VDay, and I really don't need to see that. But I'm afraid curiosity will get the best of me and I'll take a peek, and then be even further devastated.

[boltnrun]

You CAN stop.

 

Telling yourself you can't is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yes, you absolutely CAN stop.

 

When you're tempted to look, remind yourself that it will hurt, then do something else. Anything else.

 

Power down your phone, power down your laptop. It's OK with us if we don't hear from you sometimes. But if you want to post here, do so. And when I'm available I will respond. I work a wacky schedule but I will respond when I am able to. And I'm sure ksol feels the same way.

 

You two can support one another by resolving to be kind to yourselves and by resolving to stop hurting yourselves. There are others who strive to hurt us, so why do it to ourselves??

 

I don't know about you, but I love luxury bath products. Maybe get some yummy smelling bath salts and relax in the tub with a cup of tea or a glass of wine. Or give yourself a mani-pedi. You can't work the laptop or phone while your nail polish is wet!

[Ksol9]

Hey lostlove, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I wish there was more I could say, but I'm not in the best place emotionally either. With therapy and all the ideas and thoughts going on in my head about the future, I still come home to cry over him everyday.

 

If you are wanting to stop looking, you can try to go on less if you are unable to stop altogether. Don't be too hard on yourself..you are human. You have feelings and a hurting heart just like others. I just hate that you're going through this. You've been through the wringer all these months. Take time to process, don't look at their page for right now because I think it will only hurt more. Just start with today. One day at a time. For the rest of today, maybe try to watch some tv...take care of yourself. We will tackle tomorrow once it's here.

 

I'm feeling really down myself. With Valentine's Day being tomorrow, I'm thinking he is seeing someone new. Even though I know in my heart he may be thinking and sorting just like I am, sometimes I feel like he knows he just has to go through all of this in order to move on. Feeling totally hopeless today. I'm sorry I couldn't offer you more. I think boltrun said some very important things and I know you will keep that in mind. I don't think he forgot about you at all. I think he knew he was hurting you and he knew what he was offering was not what you wanted. We don't know how he will treat this woman, but when a man has these characteristics and patterns, it doesn't take long for those things to shine through. Please take care of yourself.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't even know what to say. It's time to move forward, some how some way. I can't wait around until they break up and keep hoping he'll call or move back here. It's never going to happen. Such an idiot to ever have thought that was even a possibility

 

I remember one guy I really had a strong strong thing for getting married. It was a bummer, but - knowing him - I was happy for him (in a way) because he found the right person for him. In the end, if someone isn't happy with me, I've got to let them go and hope they find someone again. It takes a while to get used to, but it's true.

[lostlove76]

Hey lostlove, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I wish there was more I could say, but I'm not in the best place emotionally either. With therapy and all the ideas and thoughts going on in my head about the future, I still come home to cry over him everyday.

 

If you are wanting to stop looking, you can try to go on less if you are unable to stop altogether. Don't be too hard on yourself..you are human. You have feelings and a hurting heart just like others. I just hate that you're going through this. You've been through the wringer all these months. Take time to process, don't look at their page for right now because I think it will only hurt more. Just start with today. One day at a time. For the rest of today, maybe try to watch some tv...take care of yourself. We will tackle tomorrow once it's here.

 

I'm feeling really down myself. With Valentine's Day being tomorrow, I'm thinking he is seeing someone new. Even though I know in my heart he may be thinking and sorting just like I am, sometimes I feel like he knows he just has to go through all of this in order to move on. Feeling totally hopeless today. I'm sorry I couldn't offer you more. I think boltrun said some very important things and I know you will keep that in mind. I don't think he forgot about you at all. I think he knew he was hurting you and he knew what he was offering was not what you wanted. We don't know how he will treat this woman, but when a man has these characteristics and patterns, it doesn't take long for those things to shine through. Please take care of yourself.

 

Thanks ksol. I'm sorry you're feeling down too. Try to take care of yourself as well. We can chat when we're both feeling better. I don't have much to give emotionally right now either. It happens. Thanks for checking in.