Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[lostlove76]

I've been following this thread for awhile and have come to this conclusion. These two ladies WANT to be losers. They get something out of it, I don't know what, but they revel in pain. This needs intense therapy, NOW! The "this is who and what I am and I can't change it" translates into "I don't WANT to change it. Misery defines me and if I lose misery I lose myself." This is NOT healthy for anyone, introvert or extrovert. Every time you check up on these guys they win. They destroy you just a little bit more. They make you hate yourself just a little bit more. This isn't love, at least it's not love for yourself. Don't let these guys win, because you know they're secretly getting a kick out of you doing this. They really are. You're hurting and they're laughing. Don't you think you should be tired of being their joke by now? Learn to love yourselves, even if you need a lot of therapy to do this. I have read a lot of posts on this site in my day, but you are two of the saddest, most emotionally helpless, women I have ever seen. I don't mean to be mean, but come on, you guys need to forget these two creeps like yesterday. You meant NOTHING to them or they wouldn't have walked away so easily time after time. They DON'T LOVE YOU. YOU need to love you. Now get on that and watch, in a year you will be the winners, not them.

 

Feel free to quit following, since we're such "losers." We certainly don't need your unnecessary meanness here.

[Ksol9]

I second what lostlove said above.

 

"these two ladies WANT to be losers." I was completely turned off by even visiting my thread thereafter. That post was just distasteful and that's why I haven't written at all today.

 

This forum has always been a place for me to share my inner most feelings free from criticism and judgement. Lostlove has supported me unconditionally since I began having problems in my relationship. I am not here to defend myself or prove anything to anyone. I am here for healthy advice, listening ears, and support. I think lostlove shares this sentiment as well.

[lostlove76]

Well-said, ksol, and I agree completely. I debated whether to just ignore it or say something, and decided to speak up; I'm biting my tongue to keep from saying anything more. That post was just uncalled for. I hope you'll still feel that there is safety in writing here. I know that this has been a good outlet for you to work through your emotions, and I know you need the support right now. I'll continue to be here for you, and I'm sure the others will too. Hugs

[UnchainedSoul]

I am unsure what exactly to say here, but that was definitely unneeded and uncalled for thejigsup. I understand that it is frustrating for us posters to watch these wonderful ladies continue to get hurt, but hurt is part of healing, and this is supposed to be a safe place to vent. This is a JOURNAL section, not a thread so be kind to unfollow and keep your mean comments to yourself.

 

As for lostlove and Ksol, I have still been following and feeling what you're going through, and though I mirroring what others have said, I feel like things haven't changed. I mean there is so much pain here, and I know how much venting here helps you. How are you ladies doing today anyway?

 

Just remember one thing, although I am sure you are aware: since this is a public forum, there will be "haters," that say things that we don't like. But for the rest of us following in on your journey and popping in to check on you now and then, we continue to do so because even though we are in the background we ARE rooting for you and your "recovery" which you definitely are.

 

I hope this experience hasn't soured you too much, and you continue to post.

[lostlove76]

I am unsure what exactly to say here, but that was definitely unneeded and uncalled for thejigsup. I understand that it is frustrating for us posters to watch these wonderful ladies continue to get hurt, but hurt is part of healing, and this is supposed to be a safe place to vent. This is a JOURNAL section, not a thread so be kind to unfollow and keep your mean comments to yourself.

 

As for lostlove and Ksol, I have still been following and feeling what you're going through, and though I mirroring what others have said, I feel like things haven't changed. I mean there is so much pain here, and I know how much venting here helps you. How are you ladies doing today anyway?

 

Just remember one thing, although I am sure you are aware: since this is a public forum, there will be "haters," that say things that we don't like. But for the rest of us following in on your journey and popping in to check on you now and then, we continue to do so because even though we are in the background we ARE rooting for you and your "recovery" which you definitely are.

 

I hope this experience hasn't soured you too much, and you continue to post.

 

Hi Unchained, thank you so much for your supportive words

[browneyedgirl36]

I too hope that Ksol will keep posting here and won't be deterred. People have different posting styles, and the "tough love" approach is one of those. That approach does help some people, but not most. My mother used it on me once in regard to my weight -- back in, oh, 2000 or so. Granted, I WAS heavier than I'd ever been, and she was worried, but telling me I looked "bad" (yep, she said that!) was of no help whatsoever. I knew I'd gained weight. I knew I was "fat" (at least for me, I was, even though I wasn't even close to medically obese or anything). I knew I didn't look my best, and I was SO self-conscious about it. When my mom told me I looked bad, my response was "Do you think that you telling me that is going to make me want to eat less? Because, really, it just makes me want to eat more." My mom wasn't getting it that the whole reason I was overweight to begin with was that I used food to soothe myself -- to medicate my negative feelings away -- and she had just given me MORE reasons to feel bad. I DID eventually lose the weight -- but I had actually gained more after that conversation with my mom -- and in 2003--4 I lost a bunch and was happy with myself. My weight loss did NOT come from my mom's comments, though. It came from me deciding, for myself, that my life needed to change. I was doing it for ME, not because my mom thought I looked "bad." I've kept most of the weight off -- give or take five pounds up or down -- ever since, and it's been nearly 13 years.

 

In terms of my relationship with my ex, my sister was the "tough love" person, and again, it didn't work for me. She was really hard on me, calling my ex a "loser" and telling me to "get rid of the loser" and to "just get over it." She's a very coldly logical, practical person, and for her, it just made sense, but I am a VERY different person than she, and I do not operate that way. She did the "tough love" thing on me in 2010, and it took me about 18 months before I was really able to let him go, on my terms, in my own way (therapy, exercise, friends, hobbies, a few dates here and there, etc.) Again, I was doing it for ME - because I was sick of how I was feeling and knew that something had to change in a BIG way -- not because my sister said I should.

 

I know it is frustrating for some posters to read threads where someone seems hopelessly stuck in a situation and doesn't seem to be making an effort to move forward, but we all have to realize that the way we do things isn't the way everyone else does them. For example, I'm definitely not someone who could monitor my ex's FB activity constantly -- I looked at his wall maybe twice in the entire six years we were friends on there -- because I was actually afraid of what I'd see and knew that I'd over-analyze everything. (It took a lot of willpower, but somehow I did it!) However, I realize that for some, there's something that keeps them looking/monitoring/analyzing, and that even if I can't understand it, and while I think it's not healthy, I can't ultimately tell someone else what to do with his/her life.

I admit that there have been a couple of posters on here in the 10 years (!) I've been on this site who have just baffled me -- persisting for YEARS in hanging onto someone who didn't want to be with them, constantly subjecting themselves to humiliation, rejection, etc. -- and I finally gave up reading their threads after responding to them compassionately only to be met with hostility. This is NOT how I feel about you -- Ksol and lostlove -- I think you both are very self-aware, and I believe you both CAN move past these situations and have peaceful, even happy lives, both as single women AND in new relationships somewhere down the road. I read your posts and want you both to be able to do that because I've been where you are -- at least to some extent -- and I know what can happen when you DO finally let go and move forward. It is such a wonderful feeling to be free of the burden of a relationship that has brought so much pain and grief, and I want you both to feel that.

 

That said...you have to do it when you are ready, and perhaps both of you aren't ready yet. I believe that, at some point, you WILL be, whether by choice or by necessity (i.e. the ex moves on and is committed to someone else -- which is what happened in my situation, though he's not with that person anymore and has gone through several relationships since!) It may take longer than you -- or some posters on here -- wish it would, or think it should, but...I've learned that it takes as long as it takes, and I'd rather see you take time and REALLY move on than jump into another relationship to help heal yourself and find yourself in the same situation yet again with someone else.

 

Anyway...hang in there. Just remember that neither of your exes is looking out for you at this point. So, who's looking out for you? If you're not looking out for yourself, who will? I remember asking myself that question, and for awhile, I couldn't answer it. Then, one day, I realized that I was looking out for me -- another really wonderful feeling. I wish the same for you.

[lostlove76]

Hi BEG. I don't have time to write a lot, but just wanted to thank you for your post. Thank you for being so caring and understanding. The tough love approach really doesn't work very well with me, either. There are milder forms of it that don't bother me, and I can at least recognize the message being sent and know that it's coming from a good place. But when it is full of criticism and judgment, the rest of the message gets lost. And just like with you and your mom's tough love about your weight, it makes me feel worse and therefore less motivated to get better.

 

It upsets me that one bad apple in a bunch of kind and supportive people has pretty much ruined this thread. I don't even know if ksol will come back. It bothers me for her, and it bothers me for myself. This was a really good outlet for both of us to process our feelings. I'm feeling down today about something, and I really don't even feel like I can talk about it here. This is the only place that I talk about this stuff anymore, and I feel like I've lost my support system because it's no longer a place of safety. All because of one nasty post by someone who wrote for no other reason than to make us feel crappy about ourselves. Am I overreacting? I don't think so. I think ksol is probably feeling the same way right now.

 

Anyways. I need to go, but I do thank you and all the others for all the support and kindness you have shown!

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm doing ok and I appreciate the continued support. I've never been one to visit and comment in forums. This was the first time doing so when I went through the first break up and I continued to come here for support because everyone, especially lostlove, was unconditionally supportive. I have never once experienced a comment like the one I did the other day, so I really didn't know how to take it. I was pretty angry and lostlove pretty much said what I feel about it. Her and I think and experience emotions very much the same. That is why we have such a close relationship here on the forum. I'm not going to allow someone who made an inconsiderate comment like that make me feel lower than what I already do, so I've basically put it out of mind. I didn't allow myself to be bothered by it past yesterday. I'm a very understanding and receptive person as is lostlove, so I understand what everyone has said in regards to what is going on with us.

 

Lostlove, I am still here for you and I think we should continue to be there for one another. Let us continue to share our thoughts and feelings as we always have. This is our safe place to discuss whatever we want regarding this part of our lives. Just like you, I do not discuss my feelings anywhere else. This place in addition to therapy are my only outlets and they are healthy outlets. ENA has been a very therapeutic place for me and in conjunction with therapy, I believe it has made me a stronger person. I'm sorry that I've been absent. I just needed a little time to process everything. I almost got scared away, but I put some good thought into what we have been doing here and I believe our time here on ENA is very beneficial to us. I spoke with my cousin yesterday and she said some things to me that have sort of uplifted me. We had a good discussion about him. We don't speak often, but the message made will have a lasting impact. I have come to the conclusion that I have to follow my heart...especially when it comes to matters of the heart. What does that mean? You and god(if you are religious) are the only ones who know what is in your heart. No one else. I know I love this man. I will continue to love him and if this is what he wants and it makes him happy, then I'm happy for him. I have faith that everything happens on its own timing, I have a strong connection with him and as much as I assume worst case scenarios, I know deep in my heart he is searching for answers and is trying to figure out what is best for him just like I am. He made this decision on his own. He chose to send the children back to their mother. He chose to end our relationship. Now he is alone. If he truly loves me, he will find his way back. I have faith in that. Everything is going to be ok. We will figure this out in time. I shouldn't rush the process or become impatient with myself. I won't allow him to play this with me ever again. He has hurt me by abandoning and neglecting me too many times. I will stand firm in that if we ever cross paths again. I am worth so much more than that. For now, I will continue to learn more about myself and who I am as an individual. You are the only person who is going to give you happiness.

 

That is all I have for now. Whatever you are feeling down about, please feel safe to share. Don't be afraid to talk about Facebook..don't be afraid to talk about anything. I'll try to come back to talk. We are making last minute preparations for the baby shower. It will start tomorrow at 3 and then once it's over I'll probably have more time to chat. I hope you are well and that your mind and heart are free from any worries. Take care.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I just wanted to let you know that I read your post while I was at work, and I haven't been able to reply yet. But I'm going to sit down and respond, and write a little about why I feel down, in just a little while. If I miss you before you go to bed, I hope you enjoy the shower tomorrow. I'm really glad you checked in, and glad you're doing okay. Talk soon

[lostlove76]

Hi again. I finally sat down to write. I'm glad you came back and decided to continue writing here, ksol. What bothered me most about that post, after getting over the initial sting of the meanness behind it, was the thought that it may cause you to quit coming here. This has all been just as helpful to me as it has been to you, and I didn't want to see it end for either of us. I'm glad you've put her words out of your mind and that you've not allowed it to make you feel any lower; I've chosen to do the same. There are plenty of people here who do care and understand, and that's all that matters. Neither of us should feel ashamed for how we feel, or how we're dealing with things, or how long it may take. Everyone has their own way of getting through something, and none of it is "right" or "wrong." Taking the time to figure everything out, as well as taking the time to just grieve, is a necessary part of the process - and like you said, it can't be rushed, nor should it be. BEG had some comforting words about that in her post above, as well. It will take however long it takes.

 

I'm glad you had a good talk with your cousin, and that it offered you some peace. I do agree that he is figuring things out just as you are, and I don't believe that he has happily and carelessly moved on. I still believe that he'll make his way back to you at some point, when he feels ready and able. I don't think that he's holding out because he doesn't want to be with you; I just feel that some of these other things we've discussed are getting in the way of reaching out just yet. Letting go and having faith that things will work out as they should is the hardest thing to do, but it's really the most peaceful way of thought. You don't have to do anything, or force anything, or even figure it all out - you just allow things to take their natural course. You may have an easier time with this than me, because to be honest, I'm really not at all religious. I've observed that people seem to be better able to cope with things when they can turn it over to a higher power and have faith that it will all be taken care of. If you can do this (and it seems that you are, from your last post), then I think it will really help you cope.

 

I don't want to muddy this positive post with my current sorrows, so I'll make that a separate post in just a minute. I hope you enjoy the shower tomorrow! I know that it brings up a lot of mixed feelings, but you deserve to enjoy this exciting occasion. You said she's due in April, is that right? I remember holding my nephew for the first time, 16 years ago (I have an older half-sister), and just feeling this immediate rush of pure love. It was one of the only times in my life when I thought it might be nice to have my own baby. That feeling only lasted about 5 minutes, lol (the wanting to have a baby part), but it was a lot of fun watching him grow up. I have an older niece as well, but I was too young when she was born to really appreciate it. I know it's hard not to associate all of this with him, because you're wishing he was there, but try to separate the two if at all possible. This is YOUR thing - your family, your niece/nephew (agh, can't remember if it's a boy or girl at the moment, sorry). He doesn't need to be a part of it for it to be happy and wonderful. I know you'll make the most awesome aunt

[lostlove76]

I've felt like crying all day long. I'm more sure than ever that he's in a relationship with new girl. I know that looking at Facebook to see what he's up to is keeping me hooked and upset and unable to move on, but I'm going to resist the urge to defend or explain it.

 

So after being on a lot on Sunday, and again on Monday for those 6 hours, he then went pretty much MIA. I only saw him on a rare few times Tues and Wed, and not at all Wed afternoon through all of Thursday. I know he was on this morning (Friday) because a couple of things showed up that he liked, but then not again all day long until after midnight for a few when he'd be working night shift. Meanwhile, barely any activity has shown up for new girl, either. Except for this morning, during the time period when he himself had liked a few things. It just seems completely obvious to me that they're spending a lot of time together. This has happened a few times, where their activity times and MIA times match up.

 

Also... when you log onto fb from your web browser on your phone rather than the fb app, and you click their About section, four people show up under the Friends heading. It seems that these are the most "connected" friends that someone has, whether it be the most wall interactions or private messaging, I don't really know. But I've looked at many people's pages to test it, and it's always the closest friends to the user that show up there. They didn't show up on each other's until recently, but now they do.

 

When he was on for that long period of time, it really felt like he was watching me too. I also knew it could all be in my head. I felt 50/50 on it. But my hopes were up that he was thinking of me, and then those hopes were completely dashed when he quit getting on at all. If he was thinking of me, he would have kept getting on. I don't know why he was lurking for so long, or why he would need to if he's seeing her, unless he pulled back from her and then wanted to reconnect. He did that with me a lot. So maybe that's what it was.

 

I guess it's unrealistic that he would even remember me after all this time. I think all the same thoughts that you do - that I meant absolutely nothing to him, that what we had meant nothing at all. If it meant something, then he couldn't have so easily let go. It still just really really hurts. It makes me question everything. Like what do all these girls have that I don't? Why was I not good enough for him, even though I do believe that he loved me in the moment?

 

At least with the married woman, I could find so many things to hate. She's a horrible person, immature, trashy, a cheater, only cares about herself. Just awful. Then the older lady, I knew he was just passing time. But this new girl, I bet he really has feelings. I can't find anything wrong with her. She just seems normal and quiet and sweet. I feel like he's going to treat her better than he treated me, and that hurts. Like what was so unworthy about me? I know that, realistically, she's there and I'm not. But that's only because he moved away, despite being in love with me. Just left, as easy as that. He said he didn't think he would miss me, but then he did. He's just such a horribly hurtful person, and both the exes I talked to had similar stories. But what if he all of a sudden straightens up, and someone else gets the best of him that I didn't get?

 

Sorry this is long and rambling. These are just the thoughts that have been running through my head all day, and I really needed to get them out. I feel like crying again. Thanks for listening

[browneyedgirl36]

I'm sorry you're feeling bad, lostlove. I remember a similar feeling when my ex was seeing other people (I found out mostly through things I overheard him saying at work, and him even bringing one of his girlfriends to work with him -- ugh!) When I realized he'd gone back to his previous ex, I felt horrible, but at the same time, I could comfort myself with the idea that their relationship had already failed several times, was clearly toxic, and that it probably wouldn't work. When he moved on to new ones -- the one he brought to work with him (who even DOES that?!?) and one he dated for a few months prior to her, I was pretty devastated because these were "new" women -- ones he had no history with, and I convinced myself it had a much better chance of working out (it didn't, with either of them -- I even heard him screaming at the second one on the phone at work one day -- yeah, classy!) It was all pretty upsetting for quite some time, until I realized that I was focusing all my energy on HIM, and that really, I should be focusing on ME and my feelings of low self-worth that caused me to ruminate incessantly about him and what he was doing and with whom. As I've said before, it wasn't really about him -- it was about ME and how I regarded myself. I remember saying to myself a few times, 'It's like he just threw me out with the trash,' and in hindsight, I shudder at that. Clearly, I was telling myself I was 'trash' to be 'thrown away' when really, it was just that this guy didn't want to commit to me and chose to be with others instead -- that's all it was. I wasn't "trash" to be "thrown away" unless I BELIEVED I was, and I'm ashamed to admit that I convinced myself of that for quite some time -- that there was something 'wrong' with me that wasn't 'wrong' with all these other women. Now...I just think...wow. Where did all that come from? From a history of being bullied as a kid, being intimidated by people, not standing up for myself, never feeling "good enough" because of so many issues. Once I identified those things -- through therapy and just a lot of self-reflection -- I was able to move past it, and when ex mentioned a new girlfriend in passing one time last year, I didn't think a thing of it. Didn't care one bit. I'm not sure if he's still with her or not (his relationships tend to max out at 18 months for some reason), but I hope it worked out for him, and I hope he's happy regardless.

 

Anyway, just a little story to show you that your feelings are normal and that others have experienced the same thing and come out OK. When you're ready, and start focusing on you and living your life to the fullest -- with or without him or anyone else -- you'll see a huge change in everything -- your attitude, your actions, your choices. You just have to be ready.

[lostlove76]

Hi BEG. Everything you said describes perfectly what it feels like. With someone new, they won't have any messy history or any distrust built up. She won't know to be on the lookout for him flirting with others, she may not even realize when he's doing a pullback, she won't be aware that he has so many past flings and exes just waiting on rotation. So it will all just be happy and good. And maybe because she's not being hyper vigilant about all that, he'll just become a good person and do the right thing and treat her well. He treated me so horribly in so many ways, and it DOES make me feel unworthy and like something must be wrong with me. I can't even identify what exactly it is that is so "wrong" with me, but surely something must be. That's how I truly feel deep down. I can tell myself otherwise, and even make a really good case for it; but I must not really believe it. For the life of me, I just can't understand how he could love me as much as he claimed over and over and over again and still have treated me like I'm nothing. He truly does have attachment issues and selfishness and narcissistic traits, so on some level I know that this is just he way he is. He treated everyone who came before me the exact same way, if not worse. He's almost 40, so this is who he is. But will he change for this new girl? Will she have something about her that I don't, and he'll see as more worthy of better treatment?

 

I have something in the oven, so have to cut this short, but may write more later. Thank you so much for your post. Ksol, I hope you're having fun at the shower right now. Let us know how you're doing later if you get a chance

[boltnrun]

Lostlove, just a couple of questions:

 

When he's online, why does that make you feel "better"? Is it because you think he's looking for you to be online? Is it because you believe he can't be with someone else if he's online?

 

And why does it make you feel bad when he's not online? Is it because you think he must be with someone else if he's not logged into messenger?

 

How do you know he hasn't gotten a new phone? My new phone shows me as "active" on messenger when I don't even have my phone with me (when I'm in the shower, for example, or sleeping). As long as my phone is powered on it shows me as "active". It's been so long since you've seen him in person or even communicated with him, so it certainly is possible he has a new phone that does the same thing. And it may show him as not online when he powers it down, like mine does. He could still be with someone when he's shown as "online", and vice versa.

 

And I think I recall you said when he was living in your town and you two were together, that you spent all your time sitting on his deck smoking and having drinks. And you also said you like to just stay home and do nothing. I understand that he did that with you when he was there, but maybe he realized that he wanted to do more than just sit at home all the time. Maybe he realized that if you moved in with him, he'd have to be at home doing nothing with you whenever he wasn't working. Maybe after doing nothing for a few months, he realized that it wasn't how he wanted to live the rest of his life. And he understood that trying to convince you to have more of an active, social life wouldn't have worked, so he realized you two had a basic incompatibility. Just a thought.

[lostlove76]

Hi bolt. Thank you for the questions; it kind of helps me process things as I answer them.

 

When he's online, why does that make you feel "better"? Is it because you think he's looking for you to be online? Is it because you believe he can't be with someone else if he's online?

Kind of and sort of. I know that it's unrealistic to truly believe that he's looking for me, but it makes me feel like the possibility is there. At the very least, maybe he'll see me on there and remember I exist. But these times when he's getting on and off for hours or a whole day at a time, it really does make me feel like maybe he's trying to feel close or get me to contact him. I'm fully aware that this sounds stupid. But it's not completely out of the realm of possibility. Also, if he's on a lot then I know he's probably not with someone. He never ever played on his phone while we were spending time together. I guess they could both be playing on their phones at the same time, but he never did that with me, so I just feel he's surely alone. Which I realize doesn't mean he's not seeing anyone just because he's not with them 24/7. I guess, too, it just makes me feel a false sense of closeness to him when I see him on. It's all that's left. Sad, I know.

 

And why does it make you feel bad when he's not online? Is it because you think he must be with someone else if he's not logged into messenger?

Absolutely. If he's off for a whole day or days at a time, I feel he surely must be with someone. Otherwise, he would have idle time to get online. Even if he's not physically with them the whole entire time, his mind and heart are with them, or else he would be online. I can't stay off mine, even when I'm busy. I don't get how people can stay off for days.

 

How do you know he hasn't gotten a new phone? My new phone shows me as "active" on messenger when I don't even have my phone with me (when I'm in the shower, for example, or sleeping). As long as my phone is powered on it shows me as "active". It's been so long since you've seen him in person or even communicated with him, so it certainly is possible he has a new phone that does the same thing. And it may show him as not online when he powers it down, like mine does. He could still be with someone when he's shown as "online", and vice versa.

That's interesting. Damn Facebook. I've heard about these glitches. But his online times follow such a pattern that I think he's really on. Like for 2 days he'll be on a ton (but also getting off for a few minutes or an hour or two in between), and then for several days he's barely on at all (either just a couple times, or just in the morning, or none at all). He used to always do that when we were seeing each other, these patterns, and I could never figure it out. If it was a phone glitch, I think it would seem a little different. I can also tell that he'll get on right after he gets to work, or only while at work and then not at all when he gets off, etc. I don't know his exact schedule anymore, but I know when the shifts start and stop etc. Anyways, just by observation, and knowing him, I'm pretty sure it isn't a glitch.

 

And I think I recall you said when he was living in your town and you two were together, that you spent all your time sitting on his deck smoking and having drinks. And you also said you like to just stay home and do nothing. I understand that he did that with you when he was there, but maybe he realized that he wanted to do more than just sit at home all the time. Maybe he realized that if you moved in with him, he'd have to be at home doing nothing with you whenever he wasn't working. Maybe after doing nothing for a few months, he realized that it wasn't how he wanted to live the rest of his life. And he understood that trying to convince you to have more of an active, social life wouldn't have worked, so he realized you two had a basic incompatibility. Just a thought.

Hmmm. This could have potentially been something he considered, for sure. It's not that I wouldn't have gone anywhere, ever. I preferred to sit at the house just me and him, but I would have enjoyed going to the park or on a day trip or whatever. It just seemed to work, what we were doing. Neither of us ever got bored with it, as much as we did it. And after he moved, he was talking about wanting me there. Talked about it for almost 6 months (which was the problem, I know - all talk and no action; but he never quit talking about it.). I know he was nervous and had cold feet, and maybe what you said was one of many things he was worried about. He had cold feet, big time. I was nervous too about how things would be, but I would have still at least tried it.

 

I guess I better stop there, because that last part is bringing up painful memories. Not your fault for asking!! My fault for going back in time and describing it all. I try to steer clear from replaying it all in my head too much. It makes me miss him. It's such a mixed bag of feelings - I'm angry, I hate him for what he did, I feel hurt, I feel like something must be wrong with me, i miss him, I love him, I hate him... around and around, and how can you resolve any of that when you can't ever truly know what the other person was thinking or feeling and why they acted the way they did? My perception of the situation changes, and I don't know what to believe. I can't make full sense of it, and that's one reason it's been so hard to move on.

[boltnrun]

Hmmm. This could have potentially been something he considered, for sure. It's not that I wouldn't have gone anywhere, ever. I preferred to sit at the house just me and him, but I would have enjoyed going to the park or on a day trip or whatever. It just seemed to work, what we were doing. Neither of us ever got bored with it, as much as we did it. And after he moved, he was talking about wanting me there. Talked about it for almost 6 months (which was the problem, I know - all talk and no action; but he never quit talking about it.). I know he was nervous and had cold feet, and maybe what you said was one of many things he was worried about. He had cold feet, big time. I was nervous too about how things would be, but I would have still at least tried it.

 

 

And this is a perfect illustration of what I was talking about.

 

I presume these day trips or going to the park would be just you and him?

 

Maybe once he moved away and was living in his current city, he realized how very small his world had become. Maybe he realized that he actually likes getting out around people, being social, etc. And he knows that with you, it would be only you and him. No one else. And maybe he wants more than that. And trying to get you to change the very core of who you are would be unfair to the both of you.

 

I can tell you that this is pretty close to the main reason why I divorced my ex husband. He wanted it to be only the two of us (and our children once they were born). He could not understand why I needed anyone else in my life. Funny thing is, when we first started dating he told me that my outgoing personality and large group of friends were what attracted him to me! Of course, in those first few months we were glued at the hip due to the newness and excitement of the relationship...and he had never had a girlfriend before me. But as time went on and we got more comfortable, I started wanting to rekindle my friendships and start seeing my girlfriends again. And he could not understand why. He felt it was a betrayal of our marriage for me and the kids to want to spend time with others! He even refused to come along when I arranged play dates with my friends who had kids! He'd just sit home and sulk and act moody when we all got home. And then moan about how we should be spending time with our family, not with "outsiders".

 

The kids and I are all social creatures with friend groups. And the kids tell me that other than joining a church musical group that plays at Sunday services, he still just sits at home. While the kids and I are out with friends having lunches and movie outings and trips to museums.

 

So yeah, I understand the need to have a social life outside of my relationship. But you should not be expected to change who you are fundamentally. And maybe he realized this and decided that he should leave you alone and stop making promises he was not going to be able to keep.

[lostlove76]

I need someone like your ex-husband! I guess people are just different. I honestly don't know if this was an issue or not. It could have been, but if it was, I was unaware. He's introverted as well, although he does also have extroverted times, so an ambivert I guess. He's always called himself a loner. He said he was single for a year before meeting me (don't know how that was possible since he hasn't been single for a single second since me, but his ex confirmed it) and said he just watched movies by himself all the time. Although he's always liked to go out to bars, too. I don't know. I would have done more with him, but you're right, I would much prefer it's just me and him in our own little world, whatever we were doing.

 

I wish I didn't just plain miss him. I still believe that I'll never find anyone else again who I love as much. Ever. And I don't want to settle for someone who is just "okay" just so that I'll have some company. I try to picture myself with some hypothetical other someone, and I just can't see it. He was it. One-itus, like I think it was Ms Darcy said. But I just don't connect well with others. People exhaust me. I don't have the energy or desire to get to know someone new. It does get lonely though.

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone. Baby shower went well. My sister and brother in law had a wonderful time. I hope that I was able to deliver because they surely deserve it. This was my first time ever hosting anything like this. I was a bit nervous since I'm not in the best place in my life emotionally but I was able to put it all aside to enjoy this day with family to celebrate a new member of the family.

 

It's funny how lostlove, you mentioned something about being taken over by instant feeling of love for your nephew or neice. The feeling I have for this child is unexplainable. im just very happy for my sister and my family. Everyone is happy and healthy. For that I'm so grateful.

 

I must have explained what was going on with me a hundred times. I can't even tell you how many people asked about him and what happened. I didn't have to do much explaining because every last person understood. I realized something today and just having these discussions and the reactions made me see this from a larger picture. I don't have time to waste. If something isn't working, why hold on to it so tightly? I love him, but if he isn't showing any signs that he is ready to do the right thing, then we owe it to ourselves to move on with our lives. We both deserve to be happy. We both have been through a lot in previous relationships. We both have the right to get whatever we want out of life and in a partner to share it with. My family completely understands where I am in my life and they fully support me. Thankful for that as well.

 

Overall today was a good day. I'm relieved it's over though. I'm still grieving and I still have a lot of work to do on myself. Now it's back to business. I want to go back and respond to your other post, so I'll post this for now. Hope you're well.

[Ms Darcy]

I need someone like your ex-husband! I guess people are just different. I honestly don't know if this was an issue or not. It could have been, but if it was, I was unaware. He's introverted as well, although he does also have extroverted times, so an ambivert I guess. He's always called himself a loner. He said he was single for a year before meeting me (don't know how that was possible since he hasn't been single for a single second since me, but his ex confirmed it) and said he just watched movies by himself all the time. Although he's always liked to go out to bars, too. I don't know. I would have done more with him, but you're right, I would much prefer it's just me and him in our own little world, whatever we were doing.

 

I wish I didn't just plain miss him. I still believe that I'll never find anyone else again who I love as much. Ever. And I don't want to settle for someone who is just "okay" just so that I'll have some company. I try to picture myself with some hypothetical other someone, and I just can't see it. He was it. One-itus, like I think it was Ms Darcy said. But I just don't connect well with others. People exhaust me. I don't have the energy or desire to get to know someone new. It does get lonely though.

 

Just as a general comment, I've noticed that men who are loners are far more emotionally independent than women who are loners. In other words, a loner dude won't make his girlfriend his sole source of emotional support in the same way that women would tend to. Even if he has no one to talk to, guys will tend to deal with things internally.

 

That's another reason why I've found women who are not as isolated/dependent on their bfs do very well with dating and marriage in the long-run. Men need, (in general) whether they can articulate it or not, a lot of space - emotional and physical.

[lostlove76]

Just as a general comment, I've noticed that men who are loners are far more emotionally independent than women who are loners. In other words, a loner dude won't make his girlfriend his sole source of emotional support in the same way that women would tend to. Even if he has no one to talk to, guys will tend to deal with things internally.

 

That's another reason why I've found women who are not as isolated/dependent on their bfs do very well with dating and marriage in the long-run. Men need, (in general) whether they can articulate it or not, a lot of space - emotional and physical.

 

Interesting point, and totally fits. When he wants to be close, he's very very close. When he wants his space, you cease to exist. He's very independent - takes trips alone, up and moved somewhere where he knew absolutely no one and didn't even have a place lined up to live yet. I'm a loner, but not totally isolated. I rely too heavily on my parents, really, but we're very close and I'm good with that. Friendships, I've always had a problem with. I quickly feel pressured and overwhelmed. I've never been able to handle more than one or two friends at a time, and I can easily go without. But with him, I did want full closeness. Not being on top of each other every single second, but what we had was good with the every other day - the only problem was that I worried so terribly much on the off days. And I did miss him, being that we didn't talk AT ALL on the off days. But when we were together or talking on the phone, it was many many hours of full attention. I don't know why I'm explaining all this - I think I want to ask you if I shouldn't take it so personally that he was often distant and needed his space, given what you said?

 

My ideal situation would be being loners together. He wanted closeness when he wanted it, and space when he wanted it, and it was all on his terms. It always hurt SO much when he went MIA with no explanation. He never did explain why he followed such a strict every other day pattern. I assume it's because he needed the space in between. He once said that he thought I was the one who needed it.

[Ksol9]

Just as a general comment, I've noticed that men who are loners are far more emotionally independent than women who are loners. In other words, a loner dude won't make his girlfriend his sole source of emotional support in the same way that women would tend to. Even if he has no one to talk to, guys will tend to deal with things internally.

 

That's another reason why I've found women who are not as isolated/dependent on their bfs do very well with dating and marriage in the long-run. Men need, (in general) whether they can articulate it or not, a lot of space - emotional and physical.

 

 

I think this is an excellent point.

[lostlove76]

Hi everyone. Baby shower went well. My sister and brother in law had a wonderful time. I hope that I was able to deliver because they surely deserve it. This was my first time ever hosting anything like this. I was a bit nervous since I'm not in the best place in my life emotionally but I was able to put it all aside to enjoy this day with family to celebrate a new member of the family.

 

It's funny how lostlove, you mentioned something about being taken over by instant feeling of love for your nephew or neice. The feeling I have for this child is unexplainable. im just very happy for my sister and my family. Everyone is happy and healthy. For that I'm so grateful.

 

I must have explained what was going on with me a hundred times. I can't even tell you how many people asked about him and what happened. I didn't have to do much explaining because every last person understood. I realized something today and just having these discussions and the reactions made me see this from a larger picture. I don't have time to waste. If something isn't working, why hold on to it so tightly? I love him, but if he isn't showing any signs that he is ready to do the right thing, then we owe it to ourselves to move on with our lives. We both deserve to be happy. We both have been through a lot in previous relationships. We both have the right to get whatever we want out of life and in a partner to share it with. My family completely understands where I am in my life and they fully support me. Thankful for that as well.

 

Overall today was a good day. I'm relieved it's over though. I'm still grieving and I still have a lot of work to do on myself. Now it's back to business. I want to go back and respond to your other post, so I'll post this for now. Hope you're well.

 

Hi ksol. I overlooked this last night when I was replying to Ms Darcy. I'm glad the shower went well. I'm also glad you were able to tell people what was going on with you and that you were met with understanding. Most people do show compassion during these times. Now you don't have to feel guilty about pulling away from people, because now they know why.

 

How are you feeling today? I'm in a rush, need to go to work in a bit. I laid in bed for a couple hours hitting snooze on 7 different alarms, drifting in and out of sleep. While I was sleeping, I was having uncomfortable dreams about the place he moved to, and when I was half-awake I was thinking about how he no longer cares. Just an unpleasant way to start the day. Like I think I said before, it's hard to thought-stop when you're not fully awake. It's just all those junky thoughts and emotions swirling around in your subconscious. I'll feel a little better when I get my day started.

 

Hope you're doing okay and feeling okay today. Talk later.

[Ksol9]

I'm glad you had a good talk with your cousin, and that it offered you some peace. I do agree that he is figuring things out just as you are, and I don't believe that he has happily and carelessly moved on. I still believe that he'll make his way back to you at some point, when he feels ready and able. I don't think that he's holding out because he doesn't want to be with you; I just feel that some of these other things we've discussed are getting in the way of reaching out just yet. Letting go and having faith that things will work out as they should is the hardest thing to do, but it's really the most peaceful way of thought. You don't have to do anything, or force anything, or even figure it all out - you just allow things to take their natural course. You may have an easier time with this than me, because to be honest, I'm really not at all religious. I've observed that people seem to be better able to cope with things when they can turn it over to a higher power and have faith that it will all be taken care of. If you can do this (and it seems that you are, from your last post), then I think it will really help you cope.

 

This is a difficult mindset adopt, but somehow it's how I've been feeling about the whole situation lately. I believe if we are meant to be, he will find it in himself to make things right. It's not that we didn't love eachother...we did very much. It's just we didn't have the tools to make things work. We were incapable for our own reasons. I saw him at burger king on Friday night. When I turned in the parking lot, I saw his truck there. I ended up leaving because I didn't want to run into him, but I did see him standing in line by himself. He has also posted a few videos and photos of himself over the past few days. He was having dinner at a restaurant alone, another golfing alone. I feel deep down inside, he is just sorting things out and like you said, for the reasons we have discussed before, that is what is getting in the way of him reaching out. He may just decide to leave things as they are and continue to move on with his life. Who knows, but I do hope you're right that he may eventually reach out. And if he doesn't I know I'll be ok. I'm not angry with him....not at all. I love him very much and I believe we had something very special. I think he knows that as well and that is why he is taking his time in processing everything. If he ever does decide to reach out to me, I want him to be sure in his decision because my intention is not to waste anymore time. Walking out on someone or breaking up when things get rough is just wrong. It's not right and it's the last time he will ever pulll that kind of thing with me. It erodes whatever little trust there is, overall it's just not the way to handle things. I have done a great deal of suffering since I moved out and it was only recently that I started to feel like I have to just let go and have faith that it will all work out in the end. I think this split was necessary in a sense. Out of the times we have split up, if I had a choice, this time I would have chosen to go through this for one reason and one reason alone. There are no other factors involved that would benefit him to keep this relationship other than his true feelings for me and for a future with me. I have always felt that maybe he depended on me to help with the children. There were plenty of reasons that influenced why he would need me in his life. This time...very different circumstances. The only reason he would continue this relationship at this point is because he felt that he would want to share his life with me. I'm not rushing this process..I pray for patience every single day, because I know he will make the right decision. I should never settle for someone that I am not sure about their commitment to me. At this point in my life and at my age, I don't have time to waste. I want to share my life with someone and be happy. I want to enjoy this life as I deserve to do that. If that isn't something he is interested in, then he can keep all the other things he was turning to in times of conflict...other women, alcohol....just plain nonsense. We all chose the lives we want to lead. I know what I want and I don't want anymore headaches in my life.

 

I'm sorry that you were feeling so sad the other day. I really hope you are in better spirits today. As I was reading, the first thing that came to mind when you were explaining that you were so sure about their relationship (the new girl and him) was that this is no different than any of the other things you have seen. It's all circumstantial. I think because of the length of time you've been apart, you feel very disconnected from him. You don't know anything that is going on in his life and so when you don't see him online as much, you assume he is spending time with someone else. I don't think it's safe to speculate any of those things because you just don't know for sure. You haven't seen anything to prove that he is or that he isn't.

 

Ms. Darcy said something in a recent post I found very interesting. From my experience and all that I have learned, I do believe men who are accustomed to being alone are far more emotionally independent than women who prefer being alone. Some of us don't need friends and family and will often push those things to the side to depend fully on our significant other emotionally. I have done this and it was only through this relationship, I have learned this doesn't work. You can spend much of your time with your significant other, but I do believe men who are like this, need and require space. The space they need should in turn be used as an opportunity to do things for yourself, self care or family related. I think you mentioned in one of your posts, lostlove, that you would feel offended or hurt when he would withdraw. I would often feel the same, in fact, it would trigger a reaction from me that I think made things worse. Now in hindsight, I understand that everyone is different and men who are "loners" need this extra space. It's nothing to take personally or to become insecure about as I don't think it has anything to do with lack of commitment. From what I've learned...there just has to be a healthy balance for both partners and as a result, the relationship will thrive.

 

Just relaxing this Sunday. Tomorrow is my therapy appointment. I hope everyone is enjoying what is left of the weekend. Talk again soon.

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. I overlooked this last night when I was replying to Ms Darcy. I'm glad the shower went well. I'm also glad you were able to tell people what was going on with you and that you were met with understanding. Most people do show compassion during these times. Now you don't have to feel guilty about pulling away from people, because now they know why.

 

How are you feeling today? I'm in a rush, need to go to work in a bit. I laid in bed for a couple hours hitting snooze on 7 different alarms, drifting in and out of sleep. While I was sleeping, I was having uncomfortable dreams about the place he moved to, and when I was half-awake I was thinking about how he no longer cares. Just an unpleasant way to start the day. Like I think I said before, it's hard to thought-stop when you're not fully awake. It's just all those junky thoughts and emotions swirling around in your subconscious. I'll feel a little better when I get my day started.

 

Hope you're doing okay and feeling okay today. Talk later.

 

I felt pretty tired all day today. I'm still having alot of trouble getting proper sleep. I'm really relieved the shower is over with. I think that was a big reason why I didn't get alot of rest this weekend. Now it's back to reality and the thought of that sort of put a damper on my day today. It's just another reminder I guess. Another thing that has me feeling a little sad is Valentine's day. I know it's just another day and I should treat it as such, but I guess it's sad to think he could be spending it with someone else. I'm trying my best not to think about any of it too much. Thought stopping...I can imagine how that would be difficult to do while you are half asleep. Sorry you're experiencing all these thoughts that lead to dreams. I understand how that can upset your day. I still have dreams of him almost nightly and it starts my morning off pretty bad. Luckily you can tell yourself that it was just a dream. One day at a time...

 

Hope you had a great day at work. We will chat later.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I ended up having what felt like a long and busy day, for some reason, and have just been feeling really blah.

 

I felt pretty tired all day today. I'm still having alot of trouble getting proper sleep. I'm really relieved the shower is over with. I think that was a big reason why I didn't get alot of rest this weekend. Now it's back to reality and the thought of that sort of put a damper on my day today. It's just another reminder I guess. Another thing that has me feeling a little sad is Valentine's day. I know it's just another day and I should treat it as such, but I guess it's sad to think he could be spending it with someone else.

I would imagine that the shower was somewhat exhausting, both emotionally and physically, with so much work put into it and also having to interact with people while you're having such a hard time. I hope you get some sleep tonight to start your week off fresh. I know how difficult that is, though, to get restful sleep. I feel the same way about Valentine's Day. It's been being advertised and talked about for days now, everywhere you look. Everyone hates Valentine's Day unless they are happily coupled, so I vote that they just do away with this crappy holiday lol, ugh. Two more days, and then it's over with, though. I really don't think he'll be spending it with anyone else, although I understand that feeling. You've seen enough signs of him alone that it doesn't appear he's seeing anyone.

 

He has also posted a few videos and photos of himself over the past few days. He was having dinner at a restaurant alone, another golfing alone.

Something just occurred to me. I wonder if he's posting these things on the chance that word of it will get back to you? Posting it publicly would be too obvious and he may feel silly doing that at this point. But posting it privately, one of your mutual friends could easily tell you what he's up to. I'm just wondering if he wants you to know that he's alone and not seeing anyone... either for later, to increase the chances of reconciliation when he gets the nerve to say something, or hoping that you'll reach out. It just seems odd to me to be posting so many videos of alone time. I don't see much of that, especially from guys. When people post things alone, it's usually girls being silly with those selfie masks you can add on, or lipsynching to a song. Just silly stuff. So why would he be posting himself doing solitary activities? Just a thought. Maybe he's just bored and lonely. Either way, he's alone, so that's good to know.

 

I'm sorry that you were feeling so sad the other day. I really hope you are in better spirits today. As I was reading, the first thing that came to mind when you were explaining that you were so sure about their relationship (the new girl and him) was that this is no different than any of the other things you have seen. It's all circumstantial. I think because of the length of time you've been apart, you feel very disconnected from him. You don't know anything that is going on in his life and so when you don't see him online as much, you assume he is spending time with someone else. I don't think it's safe to speculate any of those things because you just don't know for sure. You haven't seen anything to prove that he is or that he isn't.

Thank you for this. When I was writing about it, I was SO sure that he has a really close relationship with this new girl. Since then, earlier today, I saw something else that makes me think maybe I was wrong and maybe he's back with trashy married woman. Her friend just went back to the town where he lives for a visit, and was posting something about her soul being destroyed. Married woman commented "?" and then later, the friend commented back and said she's giving up on guys. The married woman's response, hours later, was "on my way back." So what does that mean?? In the post, the friend had tagged her location as that town. So I can't think of anything else it could mean except that she was in the middle of driving back down there. This girl is a complete idiot, I don't mind saying, and her comments are always cryptic and hard to understand, so I was trying to think if maybe she meant she's on her way back to giving up on guys too or something. But that doesn't really make sense. Maybe she meant that she's on her way back to the town hypothetically in the future. Just days ago, she was asking someone if they knew of any houses for rent in her area (closer to where she lives, not the town my ex lives). She's entirely unstable and could have picked up and went back there on a whim. If so, then she's there right now, and she's with him. And she's like a leech, so she won't be leaving until he decides to kick her out again months from now. She has no job, no money, and nowhere to stay other than with him. I really don't know what makes me feel worse - him with trashy married woman, having the time of his life because it's exciting and fun and she's "hot", or him treating new girl better than he ever treated me. Either way, he's most definitely not thinking of ME anymore, and he's not getting online much, and he was really just gone long long ago. You're right that I feel completely disconnected and have no clue what's really going on in his life anymore, beyond all this guessing. It's a crappy feeling to go from being so very close to someone, to being complete strangers like you never even knew each other.

 

I have done a great deal of suffering since I moved out and it was only recently that I started to feel like I have to just let go and have faith that it will all work out in the end.

I admire and envy you for coming to this peaceful way of thinking. I hope it sticks, because you deserve to feel peace in your life. Even if you backtrack a little (which would be perfectly normal), just the fact that you're feeling this way now is good progress. I know it all still hurts, but I'm sure it makes the future seem a little less bleak to believe that things will all work out as they should. I really do believe that he is thinking about you, and thinking things over... especially since there's so much evidence that he's been alone. Unlike mine, he's taking the time to process and figure things out rather than jumping to something else. Don't give up hope; I still feel there is a good chance you'll hear from him when he's ready. He probably feels embarrassed at this point, like we were talking about a while back, at having put the both of you through this so many times now; so that may delay his reaching out, but hopefully his heart will win out above all else.

 

Keep hanging in there, ksol. Like you said, one day at a time. Try not to worry about VDay, as I really highly doubt he will be with anyone. Just try to ignore what day it is, and get through it, and by Wednesday it'll be over. Hope you get some sleep tonight. Chat later.