Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. How are you feeling today? I just got up and need to get ready for work in a few. I know today might be rough for you, with it being her birthday. I'm sorry. Did you ask anyone else what they think about whether you should text her or not? I know you've decided not to, but I was just curious what others thought. I'm trying to put myself in your position to see what I would do, but I can't, because I've never seriously dated anyone with kids. I imagine that I probably wouldn't text either, but I don't really know. Anyways, I'm just sorry that it's hard on you.

 

I'm running behind and better get moving, but just wanted to say hello. Let me know how you're feeling later.

 

Hey lostlove,

 

Not doing well at all. I had a complete breakdown. I can't control the tears. I don't know why I'm taking this so hard. I just feel like all hope is lost. It's been 5 weeks and I don't think he's coming back this time. He doesn't want this relationship and he doesn't want me. I saw he posted another selfie on Instagram. He got a new hairstyle and lost the beard. Instantly I thought the worst, that he's seeing someone new. He got a haircut less than 2 weeks ago and he doesn't even get haircuts so often. Of course I'm thinking he's dating. I'm just having the worst day today. It has been 5 weeks of nc and deep down inside I'm hoping I'll hear from him, but I'm realizing the chance of that is very slim. Just because we did this back and forth thing a couple times doesn't mean it will happen again. I'm just feeling like it's really over and he just moved on with his life so easily.

 

I really don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm so broken. I can't believe it still sometimes. I don't think he would let this carry on for so long if he still had feelings for me. I'm just so hopeless and even more helpless. I need some sort of strength from somewhere, anywhere. The tears are just falling and they aren't stppping. I've been like this since this morning. I'm so tired of this already.

[lostlove76]

Hey lostlove,

 

Not doing well at all. I had a complete breakdown. I can't control the tears. I don't know why I'm taking this so hard. I just feel like all hope is lost. It's been 5 weeks and I don't think he's coming back this time. He doesn't want this relationship and he doesn't want me. I saw he posted another selfie on Instagram. He got a new hairstyle and lost the beard. Instantly I thought the worst, that he's seeing someone new. He got a haircut less than 2 weeks ago and he doesn't even get haircuts so often. Of course I'm thinking he's dating. I'm just having the worst day today. It has been 5 weeks of nc and deep down inside I'm hoping I'll hear from him, but I'm realizing the chance of that is very slim. Just because we did this back and forth thing a couple times doesn't mean it will happen again. I'm just feeling like it's really over and he just moved on with his life so easily.

 

I really don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm so broken. I can't believe it still sometimes. I don't think he would let this carry on for so long if he still had feelings for me. I'm just so hopeless and even more helpless. I need some sort of strength from somewhere, anywhere. The tears are just falling and they aren't stppping. I've been like this since this morning. I'm so tired of this already.

 

I'm so sorry ksol I know how much it hurts, I really do. I don't think he's dating anyone since he's been online so much lately. And the haircut... you got a haircut recently as well, just to make yourself feel better. Maybe he was doing the same. The selfie on instagram... maybe he put it there to trigger something in you, because I'm sure he knows there's a high chance you still look. He's done it before. Maybe it's a poke. Remember how everyone always suggests to post pics of yourself looking good and happy after a breakup. People advise others to do it, and I think it's also instinctual, because everyone wants to put on a happy face and prove that they're doing just fine.

 

I wish I had more time to write. I'm in a rush but wanted to check back in real quick and see if you'd updated. Did you go to work? I know it feels like this will never end, but it will at some point. You won't feel like this forever. You just have to get through it as best you can. I'll check back later as soon as I can. Hang in there

[Ksol9]

I'm so sorry ksol I know how much it hurts, I really do. I don't think he's dating anyone since he's been online so much lately. And the haircut... you got a haircut recently as well, just to make yourself feel better. Maybe he was doing the same. The selfie on instagram... maybe he put it there to trigger something in you, because I'm sure he knows there's a high chance you still look. He's done it before. Maybe it's a poke. Remember how everyone always suggests to post pics of yourself looking good and happy after a breakup. People advise others to do it, and I think it's also instinctual, because everyone wants to put on a happy face and prove that they're doing just fine.

 

I wish I had more time to write. I'm in a rush but wanted to check back in real quick and see if you'd updated. Did you go to work? I know it feels like this will never end, but it will at some point. You won't feel like this forever. You just have to get through it as best you can. I'll check back later as soon as I can. Hang in there

 

 

Thank you for taking the time to write I know you're going to work.

 

You are right that I got a haircut recently to make myself feel better and maybe that is what he is doing, but my initial thought was that he may be seeing someone out of town in Tampa and that is why he got another haircut so frequently. I really don't know and it's all speculation, but I'm just thinking the very worst. I still hope. A big part of me still hopes he will change this around. Everyday gets harder and harder for me because I don't see him contacting me. As for Instagram, he put his page on private now. He did that a few days after I saw him at the car wash. I follow him under a different account so he doesn't know I can see his posts. He only has 58 followers including me. He didn't post that there for me to see. Unless he knows it's a possibility I have a Different account and can see his page but I don't see how he would even think that. I don't even think he's thinking about me at all. I am not on his mind at all. If I was, I would have heard from him. That wasn't a poke. From what I see, that day I saw him at the car wash was sheer curiousity or coincidence. There have been no other pokes and no communication. i don't think he wants anything to do with me at all and I haven't been very realistic. Maybe I'm in denial or something. Why would he want to go back to a relationship that caused him so much trouble? He doesn't want the headache. I think I'm holding on to false hope. He has completely forgotten about me.

[lostlove76]

Thank you for taking the time to write I know you're going to work.

 

You are right that I got a haircut recently to make myself feel better and maybe that is what he is doing, but my initial thought was that he may be seeing someone out of town in Tampa and that is why he got another haircut so frequently. I really don't know and it's all speculation, but I'm just thinking the very worst. I still hope. A big part of me still hopes he will change this around. Everyday gets harder and harder for me because I don't see him contacting me. As for Instagram, he put his page on private now. He did that a few days after I saw him at the car wash. I follow him under a different account so he doesn't know I can see his posts. He only has 58 followers including me. He didn't post that there for me to see. Unless he knows it's a possibility I have a Different account and can see his page but I don't see how he would even think that. I don't even think he's thinking about me at all. I am not on his mind at all. If I was, I would have heard from him. That wasn't a poke. From what I see, that day I saw him at the car wash was sheer curiousity or coincidence. There have been no other pokes and no communication. i don't think he wants anything to do with me at all and I haven't been very realistic. Maybe I'm in denial or something. Why would he want to go back to a relationship that caused him so much trouble? He doesn't want the headache. I think I'm holding on to false hope. He has completely forgotten about me.

 

Hey again. So it turns out that I didn't need to go into work after all, so I'm here. I'm going tomorrow instead.

 

I see what you're saying about IG. Do you think that he suspects that you're one of his 58 followers? When did you start following him? If it's a blank account and you created it and started following him after the breakup, or even around the time that you were upset about his IG activity, then he may very well know or suspect that it's you. If it were me, that would probably be my first thought any time I gained a new follower, wondering if it could be you. Every time I get a fake friend request on Facebook, I look at it trying to figure out if it could my ex. It never is, but that's always the first thought that pops into mind. Sooo, he may know you're following him, but of course it's all speculation. He may have made it private after the car wash incident because you wouldn't look at him - some subtle form of payback. I made my Facebook completely locked down and private after one of our breakups long ago, just as a kind of "screw you, you don't deserve to see anything." Stupid, but people do that all the time, and I'm sure that's most likely why he made his IG private.

 

I know how much this all hurts. I used to have near panic attacks any time mine added a new girl or I worried he was with someone. That's the bad thing about looking; it can really throw you into an upset when you see something and your imagination starts spinning.

 

At this point, ksol, I would be so mad at him for making you feel this way. Whether or not he's caring and thinking about you and sending subtle pokes, he's still not saying anything, and you're having to feel this deep pain all of the time because of it. For the third time now. This is not okay. I know you can't make yourself not want him back, but you deserve so much more than this. You deserve someone who would not give up on you. I do think there are very valid reasons for why all of this happened, but ideally, a committed relationship should be one in which both people stick it out no matter what and don't cut each other off or break up whenever times get tough.

 

Try not to jump to conclusions about the haircut. Like you've told me, until you really see something concrete, there is no reason to believe he's seeing someone. He's been alone a lot lately and just playing online, we do know that.

 

I'm here to chat if you feel like it.

[browneyedgirl36]

Hi Ksol,

 

I'm sorry you're feeling down today. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post a link to an article here, but just in case, I won't -- I'll just give you the title, and you can search it: "The Love of Your Life Only Comes After the Mistake of Your Life." I read it today and I was nodding throughout the whole thing (it SO resonated with me in regard to my past -- I found it all to be SO true), and I thought of you when I read it. I hope it helps a bit. Hang in there.

[Ksol9]

I'm feeling just miserable today. I don't know what to do. I felt this coming last night. The IG think didn't trigger it..it only made it worse. I'm just extremely upset today. I went to work for a little while and I a ton of errands to run so I was out and about, but crying in between. When I got home, it's just constant because now I'm alone. I'm having one of the worst days today.

 

I see what you're saying about IG. Do you think that he suspects that you're one of his 58 followers? When did you start following him? If it's a blank account and you created it and started following him after the breakup, or even around the time that you were upset about his IG activity, then he may very well know or suspect that it's you. If it were me, that would probably be my first thought any time I gained a new follower, wondering if it could be you. Every time I get a fake friend request on Facebook, I look at it trying to figure out if it could my ex. It never is, but that's always the first thought that pops into mind. Sooo, he may know you're following him, but of course it's all speculation. He may have made it private after the car wash incident because you wouldn't look at him - some subtle form of payback. I made my Facebook completely locked down and private after one of our breakups long ago, just as a kind of "screw you, you don't deserve to see anything." Stupid, but people do that all the time, and I'm sure that's most likely why he made his IG private.

 

I don't know when exactly he switched it to private but it was after the boat ride that he went on alone and after the car wash. He probably just didn't want his page public because he posted his business cards which has personal phone numbers and such. I also deactivated my facebook account around the same time. I don't think he thinks one of the 58 followers are me. He knows I was watching everything, but I don't know about now. I started following his account months ago. I think it was before the second breakup or right after, I cant really remember, but it wasn't recently. I don't think he would even think I would make a ghost account to follow. He didn't add that photo to facebook..only to instagram. He doesn't even get a single like on the photos he posts, so I would think he would post it on facebook and not on instagram. He interacts more with family and friends on facebook. He doesnt really do anything on instagram. I never see any likes or anything like that. I honestly think anything he is doing in his life has nothing to do with me. He is making an actual effort to move on with his life and the decision he made was a final decision. It just feels like he completely forgot about me and moved on.

 

At this point, ksol, I would be so mad at him for making you feel this way. Whether or not he's caring and thinking about you and sending subtle pokes, he's still not saying anything, and you're having to feel this deep pain all of the time because of it. For the third time now. This is not okay. I know you can't make yourself not want him back, but you deserve so much more than this. You deserve someone who would not give up on you. I do think there are very valid reasons for why all of this happened, but ideally, a committed relationship should be one in which both people stick it out no matter what and don't cut each other off or break up whenever times get tough.

 

This is exactly what is going through my mind. Tears keep falling because I keep thinking that if this man really loved me, he wouldn't do this to the bond we have with eachother. No one in their right mind would choose to do this so many times. He chose to end the relationship twice now and pretty much for the same reasons...because he couldn't handle the stress and rather than sit down and sort things out, he gave up by making a rash decision to end it. I do deserve better than that and I'm sure he tells himself that he deserves better as well. During previous breakups he would make little pokes and there was even a couple of times he made contact during the last, but this time there has been nothing and as you said whether he is thinking about me or not, he isn't saying anything. I'm just feeling nothing but pain. Today feels unbearable. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

 

Try not to jump to conclusions about the haircut. Like you've told me, until you really see something concrete, there is no reason to believe he's seeing someone. He's been alone a lot lately and just playing online, we do know that.

 

I know you're right, but I can't help but jump to conclusions. I keep thinking that maybe he has been chatting with someone from tampa and will be seeing that person when he's out of town and maybe thats why he got this haircut. I feel silly just typing that. It's a pretty extreme conclusion to come up with. I would have no idea either way. Even if he was online all the time, that doesn't mean he's not seeing someone or isn't chatting with someone. I don't even think any of this matters. What matters is that I am in alot of emotional pain over this and I can't seem to come to terms with how he just got up and walked away....hasn't said a word since. I am upset with him for hurting me this way. How could I not be upset? He has hurt me so many times by doing this very thing. I can't be the one to constantly chase after him, constantly try, constantly hurt myself...when he has made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with this relationship. There is nothing I can do about any of it. If he is seeing someone or talking to other women, he is free to do that. It is up to him to figure out what he wants. If he doesn't want this relationship, I have to accept that and come to terms with it somehow.

 

I'm very hurt. I was even thinking earlier, even if the possibility remains that he comes back, how could I even go back to a relationship where he could hurt me so easily? Walk away and not speak to me for weeks at a time? I feel like I would be so scared. That is why I think this is too messy for either of us and I don't see that he would even change his mind to begin with.

 

How is everything with you? Were you looking forward to going to work or are you happy that you are able to get the day off?

[Ksol9]

Hi Ksol,

 

I'm sorry you're feeling down today. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post a link to an article here, but just in case, I won't -- I'll just give you the title, and you can search it: "The Love of Your Life Only Comes After the Mistake of Your Life." I read it today and I was nodding throughout the whole thing (it SO resonated with me in regard to my past -- I found it all to be SO true), and I thought of you when I read it. I hope it helps a bit. Hang in there.

 

Hi BEG, I love elephantjornal. I'm constantly reading articles there. I don't know if I mentioned that previously in one of my earlier posts. I actually read this article already and as you said, it was a great article. We should all read it. I think I'll read it again in a few if I can find some strength and as you said, hopefully it will help a bit. I'm just having a really low day. It's one of the worst. Thank you for thinking of me.

[lostlove76]

I'm feeling just miserable today. I don't know what to do. I felt this coming last night. The IG think didn't trigger it..it only made it worse. I'm just extremely upset today. I went to work for a little while and I a ton of errands to run so I was out and about, but crying in between. When I got home, it's just constant because now I'm alone. I'm having one of the worst days today.

I'm just SO sorry that you're having to go through this If I'm remembering correctly, there was a point after my breakup when things started feeling much worse, after some time had passed. I think it's because things seem more real and more final as time goes along. For the first several weeks, you still have hope that he's going to call. As the days continue to pass by, you're starting to lose that hope. I know it feels awful. I'm glad you didn't have to stay at work while you're feeling like this. At least you can be in the comfort of your own home, alone, and able to just let the tears out.

 

I don't know when exactly he switched it to private but it was after the boat ride that he went on alone and after the car wash. He probably just didn't want his page public because he posted his business cards which has personal phone numbers and such. I also deactivated my facebook account around the same time. I don't think he thinks one of the 58 followers are me. He knows I was watching everything, but I don't know about now. I started following his account months ago. I think it was before the second breakup or right after, I cant really remember, but it wasn't recently. I don't think he would even think I would make a ghost account to follow. He didn't add that photo to facebook..only to instagram. He doesn't even get a single like on the photos he posts, so I would think he would post it on facebook and not on instagram. He interacts more with family and friends on facebook. He doesnt really do anything on instagram. I never see any likes or anything like that. I honestly think anything he is doing in his life has nothing to do with me. He is making an actual effort to move on with his life and the decision he made was a final decision. It just feels like he completely forgot about me and moved on.

I was just thinking that a ghost account might be obviously you. I don't have an IG account, so I don't really know how it works other than from viewing public pages. 58 followers isn't that many, so it seems like a ghost account would be suspicious if not obvious. But maybe not. I don't know why he would post a selfie there if he never gets any likes or comments. Maybe he just felt like he was looking good and wanted to put the pic somewhere for an ego boost, even if he doesn't get any likes. Or he could have known all along that the ghost account was you, and be fully aware that you would still be looking.

 

This is exactly what is going through my mind. Tears keep falling because I keep thinking that if this man really loved me, he wouldn't do this to the bond we have with eachother. No one in their right mind would choose to do this so many times. He chose to end the relationship twice now and pretty much for the same reasons...because he couldn't handle the stress and rather than sit down and sort things out, he gave up by making a rash decision to end it. I do deserve better than that and I'm sure he tells himself that he deserves better as well. During previous breakups he would make little pokes and there was even a couple of times he made contact during the last, but this time there has been nothing and as you said whether he is thinking about me or not, he isn't saying anything. I'm just feeling nothing but pain. Today feels unbearable. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

To be honest, his way of dealing with conflict does not bode well for a long-term relationship. I'm not sure if it helps to think of things in those terms or not. I often tell myself all the reasons why things wouldn't have been good with mine, all the reasons why things couldn't have worked. I'm trying to convince myself that things worked out for the best, because I would have been miserable if things had continued on. And on some level, I really do believe this... both in my case and in yours. Unless something major were to change, I don't see how you could be happy with him. You'd always be worried and walking on eggshells and feeling like another end could come at any time.

 

As for the pokes, at some point, people will just quit poking when they see that it's not getting them anywhere. I poked a lot during that first breakup when he was ignoring me. I constantly posted things publicly on facebook hoping that he was looking and it would trigger him to talk to me. After that whole messy thing happened, I scaled waaaaaaay back on the poking any time we were on the outs. The most I will do is making cheerful comments on mutual friend's pages (and I don't know if he even sees them) or change my profile and cover photos (and it's never ever anything that has anything to do with him at all, and never any pictures of me, but I'm still hoping he'll see them). My point is that I learned that poking just wouldn't get me anywhere and it wasn't going to cause him to speak up, so I mostly quit, because it felt silly and obvious and a waste of time; and I also stubbornly refuse to let him know I still care. So just because you're not seeing any pokes doesn't mean that he isn't thinking of you. Poking got him absolutely nowhere; you didn't send a single smoke signal in return. So I can see why he would just give up bothering with it.

 

I know you're right, but I can't help but jump to conclusions. I keep thinking that maybe he has been chatting with someone from tampa and will be seeing that person when he's out of town and maybe thats why he got this haircut. I feel silly just typing that. It's a pretty extreme conclusion to come up with. I would have no idea either way. Even if he was online all the time, that doesn't mean he's not seeing someone or isn't chatting with someone.

I know you can't help it

 

What matters is that I am in alot of emotional pain over this and I can't seem to come to terms with how he just got up and walked away....hasn't said a word since. I am upset with him for hurting me this way. How could I not be upset? He has hurt me so many times by doing this very thing.

It's very normal to feel that way. To feel like he gave up and just quit caring. So yes of course you're hurt and upset. As we keep talking about, the silence is a horrible horrible thing. I guess you've heard that song Somebody That I Used to Know. I guess it's pretty universal to cut someone off after a breakup.

 

I can't be the one to constantly chase after him, constantly try, constantly hurt myself...when he has made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with this relationship.

Just to be fair, though, and to keep things in perspective... you're doing exactly the same thing to him that he's doing to you. On his side, it probably seemed clear to him that you wanted nothing further to do with the relationship, as well. You said that one sentence about loving him and wanting to make it work, but you said a lot of other things that negated that. I'm not saying you were wrong. I would have done the exact same thing! You were hurt and upset and feeling like he didn't want you anymore, so of course you said all those things. But perhaps the reason he hasn't reached out is because he feels the wall is too think and too high and that you really want nothing to do with him. Just like you've told me, maybe he feels he has no choice but to move on. Maybe he knows that he's a screw-up in a lot of ways (with communication and commitment and inability to handle conflict/stress) and doesn't want to hurt you with it anymore. He wouldn't know that you're willing and wanting to work things out. There are just so many things that could be holding him back other than that he just doesn't care and wants nothing more to do with the relationship.

 

There is nothing I can do about any of it. If he is seeing someone or talking to other women, he is free to do that. It is up to him to figure out what he wants. If he doesn't want this relationship, I have to accept that and come to terms with it somehow.

I agree. And if he doesn't come back and fight for it, that doesn't say anything about your worth or how much he loved you. It says that he's too weak to carry on a long-term relationship and deal with everything that comes with it. If he feels like the grass is greener elsewhere, he'll figure out some day that it isn't. When you get close to someone, there are going to be issues that pop up, always. If he keeps things shallow and just chats with someone else, or sees someone else who is an inappropriate partner (like a married woman), then he'll eventually realize how meaningless it all is. Giving him the space to figure this all out for himself is all you can do. Guys often realize what they lost, later on, after they see that no one else compares.

 

I'm very hurt. I was even thinking earlier, even if the possibility remains that he comes back, how could I even go back to a relationship where he could hurt me so easily? Walk away and not speak to me for weeks at a time? I feel like I would be so scared. That is why I think this is too messy for either of us and I don't see that he would even change his mind to begin with.

This is definitely something to consider. It would be very hard to trust him after all of this, and to relax in the relationship. If he comes back, you can then figure out if you're even willing to accept him back. I know you want him back right now, just as I want mine back. But even if mine called, I think there's a high chance I would turn him down. I want him so much, but only if he fully committed and made certain efforts so that I wouldn't have to feel worried and anxious all the time. I'm not going back to that kind of hell. So if yours does call, you might want to think about the conditions under which you would give it another try. You wouldn't want to go through this a fourth time, and a fifth. This probably isn't making you feel better but maybe if you can adjust your thinking a little bit from wanting him back at any cost, to only taking him back if a, b, and c occurred, maybe you would feel a little less hopeless and helpless. Right now you feel like you have no say in anything and you're just waiting for him to come back. I'm still mostly in that stage myself, so I fully understand it and am not faulting you for it by any means. You love him, and to you, that's all that matters right now, I know.

 

How is everything with you? Were you looking forward to going to work or are you happy that you are able to get the day off?

I was glad not to go in. I enjoy it once I get there, but rushing around to get out of the house, and then making what feels like a long drive out there, just isn't the most pleasant thing. I'd rather relax at home. If it was right next door, I'd be 20x more enthusiastic about the whole thing, but I'm such a homebody that I jump at any chance not to go somewhere. So yeah, I'm glad to be home!

 

Things are okay I guess. My mind is still churning about him being online so much yesterday, and what it could have meant. Trying to figure out if he worked or had the day off. Trying to figure out whose attention he was trying to get. Just trying to figure it all out, when I can't possibly know anything at all. He hasn't gotten online much today yet, just twice on and right back off that I've seen. He goes from one extreme to another - either on constantly or not at all. I can't figure it out. Earlier today, I was back to thinking he must be seeing new girl, and then it switched back to the ex. Last night I was thinking maybe he's talking to the married woman again. The new girl had some facebook activity after midnight last night, so it doesn't seem like they were spending time together, at least not last night. I still feel like any second he's going to change his relationship status or something. I was mulling over whether or not he could be trying to get my attention when he's on for that long, but then I think if he was doing that, it would be all the time. Then I think, well he's bound to give up at some point since it's not getting him anywhere. My mind just runs a million miles a minute, I swear.

[Ms Darcy]

I think the reality is that whether it's today or tomorrow, he will start dating again. The best thing you can do is to stop tracking his every online move. If you do happen to see a new chick he is dating, you would be devastated. Best not to torture yourself.

[boltnrun]

I believe tracking an ex online serves two purposes.

 

The first, of course, is that it gives the person who was broken up with the feeling that they are still connected to their ex, and gives them the feeling that they are still in the relationship in some manner. They don't want to "move on" because they are not ready to let their ex OR the relationship go.

 

Secondly, for those whose lives were completely wrapped up in their ex to the exclusion of everything else, constantly watching their ex online gives their lives a sense of purpose. There's no need for them to wonder what they're going to do today or tomorrow...their days are planned. It gives them something to focus on.

 

So expecting someone in this stage to "move on" or "let go" is asking them to give up the only thing in their lives that they feel gives it meaning, purpose and focus. Even holding onto the sadness gives them some form of comfort because the sadness is a connection to their ex.

 

Choosing to move on and let go is a conscious decision. So is choosing NOT to move on or let go.

 

I think I've mentioned on this thread the story of my friend whose ex broke up with her 23 years ago, yet she is still holding on and refusing to let go. She insists that because he told her way back then that he wanted to marry her, he OWES it to her to follow through. He married someone else, but she said she does not "accept" his marriage because he'd promised to marry her. She has chosen to keep herself attached to him even though he moved on long ago. Apparently she'd rather live her life this way than "give up" and accept that the relationship is over. And of course, that is certainly her choice to make. It's not what I'd choose, but I'm not her.

[Ksol9]

Everything came crashing down yesterday and I can't seem to pick myself up. I'm not feeling any better. Thank you boltrun and ms Darcy. I need to take into serious consideration what this is doing to me emotionally. I spent all day crying off and on....uncontrollably. This just isn't right. I remember feeling the same way...like walls came crashing down..around the 5 week mark last time. Somehow things just took a turn for worse for me. I think I need to take some time to myself away from the internet, social media, family, friends, therapy to really put things into perspective for myself. No one can offer me peace of mind. I have to accomplish that on my own. If I continue this way, I'm only doing more harm to myself and truthfully, I need to get myself out of this rut before the baby shower on Saturday. I'm not eating, not sleeping, I'm just plain depressed. this thing really knocked me off my feet.

 

I remember lostlove said..I didn't lose something good, he lost someone who was loyal and committed. I was so willing and I loved unconditionally. His love came with conditions and he has done many things hurt me. The biggest hurt was the many times he gave up on me. I didn't lose here. He knows what he lost. Regardless of it he thinks this was for the best or not he knows he lost a good woman. I should be angry with him, but I'm not. I'm tired of feeling all of these emotions, but unfortunately for me, I can't make a single one of them go away on command. I know I won't be like this forever and life has to go on, it's just getting through this that has proved to be a great climb. I don't have intentions of holding on and I'm not going to wait because this is just doing too much damage.

 

This pain is too much. I've said this so many times...I am the only one suffering like this. He is content with his decision. And it just isn't fair. Just as I felt like I didn't regret leaving him after the email incident. I felt like I made the right decision regardless of the agony I was in. I feel much worse this time or maybe it's the same as any of the other times, but as I'm going through it again, it feels like the worst time. Either way, it isn't fair. I know he isn't feeling pain like mine. He is living comfortably and free. Why should I lose myself over this? Besides, I should want more for myself. I should want someone who values me enough not to lose me. He left and doesnt give a care about what happens with me. This is the third time I have seen this side of him. That should tell me more than enough. I'm done trying to figure out where we went wrong. I've got all the answers I'll ever need. I know I can't speak myself into happiness or peace. I'm just done running in circles trying to make sense of this. I have to leave it all where it is, just like he did. He's finding peace and happiness in his life. I need to do the same. Just as he sees this as too much of a burden to try and fix, I need to see it the same way. Like it's too much trouble to try to save. Like it's not worth that much.

 

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or even if it's possible, but I'm going to try to turn my brain off from thinking about him and what happened. I have to let go of all of this pain, the anger, the hurt, the resentment, the fear....him....everything. He doesn't deserve the time and space he is taking up in my heart and mind. I'm broken, very broken. Im weak and tired. I need support, patience, and understanding. I'll get through this, I know I will. Just need a minute to catch my breath.

[Ms Darcy]

I believe tracking an ex online serves two purposes.

 

The first, of course, is that it gives the person who was broken up with the feeling that they are still connected to their ex, and gives them the feeling that they are still in the relationship in some manner. They don't want to "move on" because they are not ready to let their ex OR the relationship go.

 

Secondly, for those whose lives were completely wrapped up in their ex to the exclusion of everything else, constantly watching their ex online gives their lives a sense of purpose. There's no need for them to wonder what they're going to do today or tomorrow...their days are planned. It gives them something to focus on.

 

So expecting someone in this stage to "move on" or "let go" is asking them to give up the only thing in their lives that they feel gives it meaning, purpose and focus. Even holding onto the sadness gives them some form of comfort because the sadness is a connection to their ex.

 

Choosing to move on and let go is a conscious decision. So is choosing NOT to move on or let go.

 

I think I've mentioned on this thread the story of my friend whose ex broke up with her 23 years ago, yet she is still holding on and refusing to let go. She insists that because he told her way back then that he wanted to marry her, he OWES it to her to follow through. He married someone else, but she said she does not "accept" his marriage because he'd promised to marry her. She has chosen to keep herself attached to him even though he moved on long ago. Apparently she'd rather live her life this way than "give up" and accept that the relationship is over. And of course, that is certainly her choice to make. It's not what I'd choose, but I'm not her.

 

I agree and disagree. I agree that tracking can be a way to stay connected and not accept that it's over.

 

What I don't agree with is saying to stop tracking is synonymous to saying move on.

 

Moving on is a longer mental process that's different for everyone of course. Things like no contact and refraining from online tracking are behaviors. Just as it's reasonable to suggest someone stop texting their ex, calling their ex, or sleeping with the ex, it's reasonable to suggest that they stop tracking the ex. It certainly IS possible. Heartbroken people refrain all the time. It's even encouraged and supported in the epic no contact challenge journal.

 

Anyway, it doesn't matter because she's going to keep doing it. But my point is that as bad as you feel now, it will be 10xs worse if and when he posts something with a new gf.

 

Or maybe she's hoping to see that so she can start really believing it's over. I hadn't thought of that. Who knows.

[lostlove76]

I agree and disagree. I agree that tracking can be a way to stay connected and not accept that it's over.

 

What I don't agree with is saying to stop tracking is synonymous to saying move on.

 

Moving on is a longer mental process that's different for everyone of course. Things like no contact and refraining from online tracking are behaviors. Just as it's reasonable to suggest someone stop texting their ex, calling their ex, or sleeping with the ex, it's reasonable to suggest that they stop tracking the ex. It certainly IS possible. Heartbroken people refrain all the time. It's even encouraged and supported in the epic no contact challenge journal.

 

Anyway, it doesn't matter because she's going to keep doing it. But my point is that as bad as you feel now, it will be 10xs worse if and when he posts something with a new gf.

 

Or maybe she's hoping to see that so she can start really believing it's over. I hadn't thought of that. Who knows.

 

I will admit that when I saw that (ex with new gf) it absolutely killed me. Not just 10x worse but 100x. It was a complete nightmare and the worst thing I've ever felt in my life. And yet I still kept looking. It's really not easy to stop. Or maybe it's easier for some than others. My looking finally paid off when I saw that she had gone back to her husband, which is why I kept looking in the first place, I guess.

 

It takes tremendous willpower to stop looking, and when you're feeling weak and depressed, it can be darn near impossible to find the strength it takes to keep your fingers off the buttons. It's all too easily accessible. It's all right there at your fingertips when the urge hits. I just don't know if you guys understand how hard it is to stop. We do understand that it's unhealthy. If ksol wants to make efforts to stop, I will join in on supporting that 100%. I agree that if she sees any evidence of a new girl it's going to make it all the worse. But how do you stop when it's filling some need, like bolt was talking about? It's like an alcoholic "just stopping."

 

I don't know. These are just my rambling thoughts on the matter, from someone who obviously has this particular problem. I read an article last night talking about common this is; maybe I can find the link and post it here.

 

When mine is online a lot, I feel much better... and I welcome that relief. When he's not online, I feel agitated. So I'm sure it's some kind of "fix," like an addiction.

 

I'm not at all supporting continuing to look, just trying to explain why it's all so difficult not to.

[lostlove76]

Everything came crashing down yesterday and I can't seem to pick myself up. I'm not feeling any better. Thank you boltrun and ms Darcy. I need to take into serious consideration what this is doing to me emotionally. I spent all day crying off and on....uncontrollably. This just isn't right. I remember feeling the same way...like walls came crashing down..around the 5 week mark last time. Somehow things just took a turn for worse for me. I think I need to take some time to myself away from the internet, social media, family, friends, therapy to really put things into perspective for myself. No one can offer me peace of mind. I have to accomplish that on my own. If I continue this way, I'm only doing more harm to myself and truthfully, I need to get myself out of this rut before the baby shower on Saturday. I'm not eating, not sleeping, I'm just plain depressed. this thing really knocked me off my feet.

 

I remember lostlove said..I didn't lose something good, he lost someone who was loyal and committed. I was so willing and I loved unconditionally. His love came with conditions and he has done many things hurt me. The biggest hurt was the many times he gave up on me. I didn't lose here. He knows what he lost. Regardless of it he thinks this was for the best or not he knows he lost a good woman. I should be angry with him, but I'm not. I'm tired of feeling all of these emotions, but unfortunately for me, I can't make a single one of them go away on command. I know I won't be like this forever and life has to go on, it's just getting through this that has proved to be a great climb. I don't have intentions of holding on and I'm not going to wait because this is just doing too much damage.

 

This pain is too much. I've said this so many times...I am the only one suffering like this. He is content with his decision. And it just isn't fair. Just as I felt like I didn't regret leaving him after the email incident. I felt like I made the right decision regardless of the agony I was in. I feel much worse this time or maybe it's the same as any of the other times, but as I'm going through it again, it feels like the worst time. Either way, it isn't fair. I know he isn't feeling pain like mine. He is living comfortably and free. Why should I lose myself over this? Besides, I should want more for myself. I should want someone who values me enough not to lose me. He left and doesnt give a care about what happens with me. This is the third time I have seen this side of him. That should tell me more than enough. I'm done trying to figure out where we went wrong. I've got all the answers I'll ever need. I know I can't speak myself into happiness or peace. I'm just done running in circles trying to make sense of this. I have to leave it all where it is, just like he did. He's finding peace and happiness in his life. I need to do the same. Just as he sees this as too much of a burden to try and fix, I need to see it the same way. Like it's too much trouble to try to save. Like it's not worth that much.

 

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or even if it's possible, but I'm going to try to turn my brain off from thinking about him and what happened. I have to let go of all of this pain, the anger, the hurt, the resentment, the fear....him....everything. He doesn't deserve the time and space he is taking up in my heart and mind. I'm broken, very broken. Im weak and tired. I need support, patience, and understanding. I'll get through this, I know I will. Just need a minute to catch my breath.

 

Hi ksol. I'm sorry that you're not feeling any better today. I guess on top of the hope dwindling as each week passes, the pressure is continuing to build and that's why it's feeling worse. (By pressure I mean the sadness, confusion, etc, and most especially, coping with the silence/NC). It's all just sitting there inside you with no relief. Not sure if I'm making sense. It all felt like a very literal pressure in my chest to me when I was at your stage. I know it feels awful.

 

I wish I knew what to say to help. I just know how you feel, and I'm here to understand and support. Do you think another mini trip out of town would help? I know you have the shower this weekend, so it would have to wait a bit. Or could work do without you Thursday and Friday, let you take a couple sick days? I know it's going to be hard to put on a happy face at the shower, but maybe it'll end up making you feel better.

 

I have to go to work in a bit but I'll be around later. I'll check in again before I leave to see if you've written. Hang in there ksol. Hugs

[browneyedgirl36]

I am sorry you are feeling this way, Ksol. I do believe, though, that what you're experiencing now is the beginnings, at least, of letting go of hope and moving forward. Healing is not linear by any means. There are good days and bad days, periods where it doesn't seem that bad, and periods where it seems as though your world has come to an end (and it has, in a way -- more on that later), and often you'll go back and forth between these periods for quite some time. There are five stages of grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Often, early on, you'll swing wildly between the first three. Then, subtly, you'll move to depression, but at any time, you could backtrack into one or more of the previous three. Eventually, you'll be straddling the line between depression and acceptance for awhile, and then, slowly -- perhaps almost imperceptibly, you'll move into acceptance and stay there.

 

This is NOT something that happens over night, or even over the course of a few months. The time frame is different for everyone, but the vast majority of us DO get to the acceptance stage. (There are those stories -- like the one that one of the posters (boltnrun, I think) told about her friend that is still convinced after 23 years that a particular man is the love of her life and that he is still obligated to marry her because he said he would, even though he's married to someone else now -- but these are the exception and not the rule, I think, and they are meant more as cautionary tales about what can happen if you don't take care of yourself).

 

May I make a suggestion? While I DO think that weaning off the Internet, particularly social media, is a GREAT idea for you, please don't give up therapy. I do believe that therapy with the right therapist (and it sounds like you have a pretty good one), is a significant aspect of healing and moving forward. You're not always going to hear what you want to hear from a therapist, and some of it might be downright painful, but I think that stopping now, at this crucial time, would be detrimental to your healing.

 

When you're going through hell, keep going. (I think Winston Churchill may have said that). I also like the quote "It'll all be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end." I'm not sure who said that, but I've reminded myself of it often in difficult times. It WILL be OK. It's just not the end yet. You have a few things to go through before you can come out on the other side. I promise you, you will.

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove, I just wanted to let you know that I read your posts and I am thinking of you. I hope you are well.

 

I woke up this morning and said to myself.....this man played with me for the last time. He knows exactly what he has been doing. I don't care about infidelity or his sorry excuses or whatever issue this was about.....the problem here is not my facebook monitoring habits. IT IS MY LACK OF SELF RESPECT! Im not angry with him nor am I frustrated with myself. I am feeling like I'm just done with this feeling. I may be at an all time low. I may have been needy, insecure, or whatever he wanted to call it.. Indeed I was those things. I don't even recognize myself. That is not me. I have never been this way....to take this kind of BS and to think he pulled this crap on me three times now. What hurt me was the abandonment! No doubt about it...it was the fact that he walked away and waited a couple months like a coward hoping to brush everything under the rug. And to think I allowed it. There is one thing I have confidence in....he will never find another woman like me. His memory of me will haunt him. Those times he walked back into my life...I should have stood firm and made sure we settled these grudges. The grudges obviously grew into resentment. Whoever said brushing things under the rug would work? We didn't have major relationship problems to say he was a womanizer or anything like that. We just didn't know how to communicate and resolve our problems. I was a fool to run right back over there. I moved back in almost immediately everytime without even seeing any progress on either side. He knew how much I loved him and he knew I would settle. Like I didn't have anything going for myself..like I was homeless and desperate or something. I taught him how to treat me. I'm hurt...deeply hurt. He hurt me one too many times. And if this has anything to do with other women.....he can have them..every last one of them. All he does is play on the internet. I've yet to see one woman that can amount to me on any level. As far as I see it, I was too much of a woman for him..he doesn't deserve me. I'm not saying I'd never go back. As I sit here and type, with tears in my eyes, god knows I had my part in this. God knows my wrongs, but I lost myself somewhere along the way. I used to be a strong woman. I need to get back to where I used to be. He did me wrong and it's time I start to do right for myself. The only thing I did right was go NC immediately. He may never know what happened behind the scenes and I'm glad his impression of me is that I don't give a damn about him....so much so I won't even look his way when I see him on the road. He will never know my pain. I'm a good woman and I know what I deserve. Anyone in my shoes knows how difficult this is. This rocked me and knocked me off my feet. It's unrealistic to say I'll not peek at his facebook, that I won't cry and beg god for mercy, that I'll shut my brain off from thinking of him. It doesn't work that way. I'll still do all of those things. I'll still hope that we find our way back to eachother. There is no way in hell would I go back to the way things were. This is madness. Breaking up to makeup every 4 months. Straight up crazy making. Why haven't I realized that is just craziness?? This is literally making me go insane and he's not worth me falling off my path for. He really isn't worth it. Look what he has put me through..calling good for nothing women whenever we get into problems...searching facebook for what? He's just like the women I've seen him linked to...good for nothing. He must be out of his mind. He ended the relationship because he knew I was not going to let anything go. My instincts wouldn't allow me to brush things under the rug. I needed reassurance from him...and communication that I deserved. This would have continued even after the children left and I know that is why he ended it. He knew it wasn't going to stop and he will let this go for the same reason. He will never be willing to communicate. He didn't do it for his ex wife, what makes me think he'll do it for me? I need to step out of the little box that I've been in for that past month.

 

I'm tired what all of this is doing to me. I went on FB twice today and saw last night he posted 4 home recordings of a James Brown song...It's a man's world. James brown was performing with Michael Jackson. One video was of MJ singing I love you over and over. 4 videos of the same song. He's recording the wall or something. Something strange is going on with him. I don't know what it is, but all I know is this is the last time I allow a man to rob me of my worth! I didn't go to therapy this week and hopefully I'll be ready and willing to go next week. I am just at a really low point in my life right now. At this point nothing is going to help me, not even therapy. Whatever is brewing inside of me better keep brewing. I'm tired of this.

 

I know I'm going to go back and forth with my emotions, but I don't think you've heard me reach this point yet since the breakup. I am not angry, I'm just realizing that no matter what happens from this point forward, I HAVE to remind myself that I should never allow any man to make me feel like I am worthless and that I can't do better....because I can!

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. This will probably be brief for now, because I have to eat dinner and get over to where I'm house-sitting. Just wanted to say good for you!! You're standing up for yourself now, as you should. I think it's important to see things from the other side (such as his inability to communicate and various other issues) simply to take things less personally and keep your self-esteem in tact, but it should never give him a free pass to mistreat you and make you feel this low. I don't know that I have much to add, because you said it all so well. I like that you're taking up for yourself.

 

The videos do sound weird, and my first thought is that he was probably drunk when he posted them, since there were four of the same thing. I would also guess that he was probably thinking about you, and probably feeling sorry for himself. Just a guess. I've heard the It's a Man's World song, but I would have to google the lyrics to see what it's about, because that's the only line I know.

 

Don't feel bad for looking. Do what you have to do. If there comes a time when looking becomes too harmful, then you can work on quitting. Just whatever you do, don't feel bad about yourself for it. I'm not at all downplaying the advice of the others here when they suggest that you stop, and they obviously have good points. But I know how you feel and why you're looking, and I'm just saying that you don't have to feel bad about it. I hope the rest of you guys don't take it offensively that I'm saying this - no offense meant, truly! You really do make good points. I just know that I used to feel a fair amount of shame for looking, and now I'm just like whatever. It is what it is. I'm going to look, ksol is going to look, a lot of people look. And I just don't want anyone to feel badly about themselves for not having the willpower to stop. I hope my point is coming across without it being taken the wrong way.

 

I've felt agitated the last couple of days because after him being on for that 6 hour period a few days ago, he's now barely on at all and it makes me feel like he's with new girl. He got on and right back off last night after the bars closed. And he was on several times earlier today, but not since early afternoon. I don't know how long he stayed on, because I got back off the first couple of times when I saw him. Then the next couple of times, he got off when I got on (coincidence this time, pretty sure). Anyways. I have no clue what he's doing or who he's doing it with. It's starting to affect me less and less as time goes on, but I still hold out hope that he'll one day call.

 

I'll check back in in a bit when I get settled. I hope you're feeling okay. Congrats on your new-found strength in feeling determined that you deserve better than what he's putting you through. I can definitely sense a shift here. If it doesn't stick, that's okay too! Like BEG said, none of this is linear.

 

Talk soon

[Ksol9]

I'm still feeling the same. I just want to sleep through everything. Unfortunately I can't sleep. Just over it....I'm over all of it.

 

The videos do sound weird, and my first thought is that he was probably drunk when he posted them, since there were four of the same thing. I would also guess that he was probably thinking about you, and probably feeling sorry for himself. Just a guess. I've heard the It's a Man's World song, but I would have to google the lyrics to see what it's about, because that's the only line I know.

 

This was my first thought also. He posted some other comments that were unusual. I can bet he was drunk. That song....we've watched that performance on youtube many times. We even watched it on New Year's Eve. James Brown was an addict so he was a hell of a performer. It's a man's world, but it wouldnt be nothing without a woman... That particular performance, Michael Jackson gets on stage and sings. That part was in one of the videos as well. He had to have been drunk. I don't know what he is going through, but he's going through something. He doesn't do things like that. I actually don't think any of it has to do with me. I think this is how he spends his time alone. Listening to music, surfing facebook, watching videos, drinking, repeat. Apparently that's what makes him happy. He's figuring himself out I guess.

 

I don't know if I've found new found strength or what it is, but all I know is that I'm sick and tired of going through this. He put me through enough hurt. I'm over these emotions. I even think this breakup up was ridiculous and childish. He's emotionally inmature and maybe we both are. He just plain and simple doesn't want the relationship. If he did, he would have taken care of it. He doesn't care about me. I don't know how I'm going to get myself out of this rut, but I'm not going to allow him to be the reason for my downfall. I walk around barely even eating and sleeping, I don't look good...I'm done with allowing him to rob me of that. Sometimes I stop and think...how the he** are we, two adults, doing this back and forth bs?? This time appears to be permanent, but I don't know how we let any of this happen previously. We both have been through enough in relationships to be doing such foolishness. This is his loss and I know he knows it. He gave up on me and I don't want what he did to make me feel like I'm worth nothing. I am going to get myself back, one way or anther, and I'm going to be stronger and better.

 

I've felt agitated the last couple of days because after him being on for that 6 hour period a few days ago, he's now barely on at all and it makes me feel like he's with new girl. He got on and right back off last night after the bars closed. And he was on several times earlier today, but not since early afternoon. I don't know how long he stayed on, because I got back off the first couple of times when I saw him. Then the next couple of times, he got off when I got on (coincidence this time, pretty sure). Anyways. I have no clue what he's doing or who he's doing it with. It's starting to affect me less and less as time goes on, but I still hold out hope that he'll one day call.

 

I was thinking about this...if he gets off when you get on. I keep thinking maybe he is trying to see if you'll notice or try to contact him. You can't know either way, but its weird that he would do that..especially since it's happened more than a few times. I'm sorry this is affecting you. I know what you are feeling. If you haven't seen any posts or anything about him and someone else, I don't think he is in a relationship. You'd see something somewhere on friends of friends or something like that.

 

I'm miserable lostlove. I have a hole in my heart.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I know you're miserable. I'm sorry I know it's the worst feeling in the world. You don't deserve this. I completely agree with you that he's not going to find anyone who even comes close to you. You're a high-quality woman. You're smart, you're caring, you're giving, you're loyal. You're right that it's his loss and he knows it. These other women he's chatted with or added on Facebook are low class. Which tells me that he's not even trying to look for anything serious with any of them. It's all shallow, just some attention and an ego boost. He'll get tired of it when he realizes that it all lacks substance (if he's even talking to anyone at all - he's probably just adding any random woman he can think of).

 

This was my first thought also. He posted some other comments that were unusual. I can bet he was drunk. That song....we've watched that performance on youtube many times. We even watched it on New Year's Eve. James Brown was an addict so he was a hell of a performer. It's a man's world, but it wouldnt be nothing without a woman... That particular performance, Michael Jackson gets on stage and sings. That part was in one of the videos as well. He had to have been drunk. I don't know what he is going through, but he's going through something. He doesn't do things like that. I actually don't think any of it has to do with me. I think this is how he spends his time alone. Listening to music, surfing facebook, watching videos, drinking, repeat. Apparently that's what makes him happy. He's figuring himself out I guess.

I really do think it has to do with you. It sounds like he's drowning his sorrows in beer and music. I don't sense a happy tone to it at all. I think he recorded and posted it because he's feeling lonely. Happy people don't post things like that lol. I don't know why I'm lol'ing. I'm just picturing it in my head, and it seems like something someone who is feeling miserable would do. He can't listen to a song like that and NOT think about you. I told you how I do these marathon-music-listening sessions, and I'm always thinking about him, while I listen to the same song 20 times in a row. It's kind of cathartic somehow. I cry, I let certain memories creep in that I normally try to block, I allow myself to miss him. It sounds silly to say it out loud, but that is what I do, and I just get the sense that that's what he's doing as well. I know you feel like you were of no importance to him, but you were. He just has a pi$$-poor way of showing it (or rather, not showing it).

 

Let me post this and then continue, in case you're still up and reading.

[lostlove76]

I don't know if I've found new found strength or what it is, but all I know is that I'm sick and tired of going through this. He put me through enough hurt. I'm over these emotions. I even think this breakup up was ridiculous and childish. He's emotionally inmature and maybe we both are. He just plain and simple doesn't want the relationship. If he did, he would have taken care of it. He doesn't care about me. I don't know how I'm going to get myself out of this rut, but I'm not going to allow him to be the reason for my downfall. I walk around barely even eating and sleeping, I don't look good...I'm done with allowing him to rob me of that. Sometimes I stop and think...how the he** are we, two adults, doing this back and forth bs?? This time appears to be permanent, but I don't know how we let any of this happen previously. We both have been through enough in relationships to be doing such foolishness. This is his loss and I know he knows it. He gave up on me and I don't want what he did to make me feel like I'm worth nothing. I am going to get myself back, one way or anther, and I'm going to be stronger and better.

I do like this attitude! It's totally normal that this has put you in a hole, but so unfortunate, because you're not able to enjoy life. It's still a process, and nothing is going to magically cure you overnight. But at least you're seeing that you do deserve better. Like we were saying before, all of these things that you keep beating yourself up for (like being anxious and "difficult") are not uncommon among women, and not horrible enough to warrent being treated like you never mattered. To be clear, I'm not saying that you didn't matter to him, just saying that this is how he has treated you and made you feel. And you didn't do anything to deserve that. It's great that you can look at your own faults and want to improve them, for sure. But we all have faults, and it doesn't mean that we are unworthy or invaluable. What matters most is that you have strong morals and a good heart.... and that is way more than can be said for a lot of women.

 

I was thinking about this...if he gets off when you get on. I keep thinking maybe he is trying to see if you'll notice or try to contact him. You can't know either way, but its weird that he would do that..especially since it's happened more than a few times. I'm sorry this is affecting you. I know what you are feeling. If you haven't seen any posts or anything about him and someone else, I don't think he is in a relationship. You'd see something somewhere on friends of friends or something like that.

I just feel kind of silly for thinking the other day that maaaaybe he was trying to get my attention, since now he's not getting on hardly at all. Seems like he would keep doing it if that's what he was doing, but maybe it grew frustrating since it was getting us nowhere. I feel like it's all in my head. I know he was trying to get someone's attention, just because I know his habits, but it probably wasn't even me. He was completely MIA yesterday from early afternoon until he got on then right back off after the bars closed. He was on a lot this morning, but has now been completely MIA for the remainder of the day. Just seems like he surely must be with someone. Maybe he works first shift most days now instead of second and was just getting on from work, and then got with new girl afterwards. When he was on/off for that 6 hour period, nothing showed up that he liked or commented on, so I don't think he was browsing. It did seem like he got off when I got off, but again, maybe it's all in my head. Ugh. There's just no way to know. It drives me mildly crazy trying to figure it out.

[Ms Darcy]

I will admit that when I saw that (ex with new gf) it absolutely killed me. Not just 10x worse but 100x. It was a complete nightmare and the worst thing I've ever felt in my life. And yet I still kept looking. It's really not easy to stop. Or maybe it's easier for some than others. My looking finally paid off when I saw that she had gone back to her husband, which is why I kept looking in the first place, I guess.

 

It takes tremendous willpower to stop looking, and when you're feeling weak and depressed, it can be darn near impossible to find the strength it takes to keep your fingers off the buttons. It's all too easily accessible. It's all right there at your fingertips when the urge hits. I just don't know if you guys understand how hard it is to stop. We do understand that it's unhealthy. If ksol wants to make efforts to stop, I will join in on supporting that 100%. I agree that if she sees any evidence of a new girl it's going to make it all the worse. But how do you stop when it's filling some need, like bolt was talking about? It's like an alcoholic "just stopping."

 

I don't know. These are just my rambling thoughts on the matter, from someone who obviously has this particular problem. I read an article last night talking about common this is; maybe I can find the link and post it here.

 

When mine is online a lot, I feel much better... and I welcome that relief. When he's not online, I feel agitated. So I'm sure it's some kind of "fix," like an addiction.

 

I'm not at all supporting continuing to look, just trying to explain why it's all so difficult not to.

 

I think the addiction comparison is arguable. But ultimately, I think the greatest argument is that breakups are more about going through the stages of grief. With an addiction, that "need" or "craving" never goes away. With grief, most people actually DO move on over a period of time (where the speed depends on various conditions.)

 

I mean for you, Lostlove, you have a mindset that makes moving on at all more difficult for you than others - with the one-itis, the social isolation, and (correct me if I am wrong) I think not having to actually leave the house much. I mean, if you don't have much else to do, then why not?

 

My bigger concern is about the enabling - imho. Enabling is the push back whenever there's a suggestion to stop doing things that are damaging to self. People have given you many many strategies to help get you on a path to generally being a healthy and independent person, Lostlove which generally has a side effect of helping folks to move on. And you've pushed back on each and every suggestion.

 

Ksol - I noticed that you didn't go to therapy. I would suggest you make sure to do that. This journal has become one of rumination. In the "psych" world, that is essentially thinking in a never-ending loop that is not moving you forward. I would suggest talking to your therapist more about CBT and use the visits as a way to hold yourself accountable for shifting your mode of thinking. It's slow and a lot of work, but therapy is expensive. Get the most bang for your buck!

[lostlove76]

I think the addiction comparison is arguable. But ultimately, I think the greatest argument is that breakups are more about going through the stages of grief. With an addiction, that "need" or "craving" never goes away. With grief, most people actually DO move on over a period of time (where the speed depends on various conditions.)

But during all the stages of grief, isn't it akin to an addiction? Unlike maybe alcoholism, it will eventually go away, but until you get over the person, isn't it pretty much the same thing? The fixes, the withdrawals. I ask not to argue, but because you are informed about psychology and I'm just always trying to increase my understanding. Seems to me, it will go away when you quit caring. But until that time, until you're completely over the person, all the addiction-like tendencies will still remain.

 

I mean for you, Lostlove, you have a mindset that makes moving on at all more difficult for you than others - with the one-itis, the social isolation, and (correct me if I am wrong) I think not having to actually leave the house much. I mean, if you don't have much else to do, then why not?

I agree with this, but what am I supposed to do??? Change my core personality? Be ashamed of my tendency to isolate?? I've said that I'm on the extreme end of introversion. You at first didn't feel that I understood what that actually meant, but I promise you that I do. I've educated myself on what introversion means, and I know that I am on the far end of the spectrum. I've come to accept it and not believe that it's wrong in any way. I know it has its downfalls, like you say, but what can I do about that? This is who I am, it's who I have been for 40 years. It does make it harder to get over someone, because I so rarely let someone get that close. I don't usually even care if someone gets close, but I happened to really connect with him in a way that I rarely do. That does make it harder, because my options are fewer. So am I just destined to be alone? I mean, it sucks, it really does. But I don't know how I can change who I am, or if I should even try.

 

My bigger concern is about the enabling - imho. Enabling is the push back whenever there's a suggestion to stop doing things that are damaging to self. People have given you many many strategies to help get you on a path to generally being a healthy and independent person, Lostlove which generally has a side effect of helping folks to move on. And you've pushed back on each and every suggestion.

I don't want to enable ksol or harm her in any way. Obviously. And I apologize if I'm doing that. I'm not urging her to keep looking, but if she's going to keep looking anyhow, then I don't think that helping her analyze things is all that harmful. I know that what I want most is help in analyzing things. Probably not healthy, but that's what I want and need most of the time. So I'm just trying to help her figure things out. I don't want to ignore her when she's talked about what she's seen. I'm not sure if this is what your talking about, but just saying.

 

Thank you for your input though! Truly. I hope I don't sound argumentative, because that isn't my intention. Clearly I'm not an expert, and I only want to help ksol, and also myself. I'm totally open to discussing the whys and pros and cons. I hope I don't come across in any sort of defensive or offensive way. Just trying to make it through, and help ksol make it through, but also totally open to learning along the way

[Ms Darcy]

But during all the stages of grief, isn't it akin to an addiction? Unlike maybe alcoholism, it will eventually go away, but until you get over the person, isn't it pretty much the same thing? The fixes, the withdrawals. I ask not to argue, but because you are informed about psychology and I'm just always trying to increase my understanding. Seems to me, it will go away when you quit caring. But until that time, until you're completely over the person, all the addiction-like tendencies will still remain.

 

 

I agree with this, but what am I supposed to do??? Change my core personality? Be ashamed of my tendency to isolate?? I've said that I'm on the extreme end of introversion. You at first didn't feel that I understood what that actually meant, but I promise you that I do. I've educated myself on what introversion means, and I know that I am on the far end of the spectrum. I've come to accept it and not believe that it's wrong in any way. I know it has its downfalls, like you say, but what can I do about that? This is who I am, it's who I have been for 40 years. It does make it harder to get over someone, because I so rarely let someone get that close. I don't usually even care if someone gets close, but I happened to really connect with him in a way that I rarely do. That does make it harder, because my options are fewer. So am I just destined to be alone? I mean, it sucks, it really does. But I don't know how I can change who I am, or if I should even try.

 

Personally, I think the addiction comparison depends on the way one defines addiction. In a more traditional view of addiction, the chronic, relapsing chemical reactions in the brain are based on compulsive drug use. Anyway, that's not too important.

 

 

 

I've suggested that you resist describing your way of life as a result of introversion. Introversion has a fairly narrow scope. It seems like there is more there. It wouldn't be right of me to speculate ... but there are other conditions that feature isolation as well as other characteristics that actually might be more explanatory for your situation.

[Ms Darcy]

I know that what I want most is help in analyzing things. Probably not healthy, but that's what I want and need most of the time. So I'm just trying to help her figure things out. I don't want to ignore her when she's talked about what she's seen. I'm not sure if this is what your talking about, but just saying.

 

Thank you for your input though! Truly. I hope I don't sound argumentative, because that isn't my intention. Clearly I'm not an expert, and I only want to help ksol, and also myself. I'm totally open to discussing the whys and pros and cons. I hope I don't come across in any sort of defensive or offensive way. Just trying to make it through, and help ksol make it through, but also totally open to learning along the way

 

Oh, another note. I think we as women over analyze a lot. For example, I might want to think and talk about an issue at work for hours with my husband. He, on the other hand, might mention an issue and then walk the dog or something else and moves on. In other words, a lot of men just don't overthink.

 

And in my experience, people who don't overthink are pretty dang happy.

 

No worries about "arguing." I don't think there is any arguing. Just mutual perspective sharing.

[thejigsup]

I've been following this thread for awhile and have come to this conclusion. These two ladies WANT to be losers. They get something out of it, I don't know what, but they revel in pain. This needs intense therapy, NOW! The "this is who and what I am and I can't change it" translates into "I don't WANT to change it. Misery defines me and if I lose misery I lose myself." This is NOT healthy for anyone, introvert or extrovert. Every time you check up on these guys they win. They destroy you just a little bit more. They make you hate yourself just a little bit more. This isn't love, at least it's not love for yourself. Don't let these guys win, because you know they're secretly getting a kick out of you doing this. They really are. You're hurting and they're laughing. Don't you think you should be tired of being their joke by now? Learn to love yourselves, even if you need a lot of therapy to do this. I have read a lot of posts on this site in my day, but you are two of the saddest, most emotionally helpless, women I have ever seen. I don't mean to be mean, but come on, you guys need to forget these two creeps like yesterday. You meant NOTHING to them or they wouldn't have walked away so easily time after time. They DON'T LOVE YOU. YOU need to love you. Now get on that and watch, in a year you will be the winners, not them.