Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[lostlove76]

Good morning ksol. I slept later than I intended, and I had wanted to get to work earlier today. I still have to eat and do a few things before I leave, but just wanted to say hello. I'll reply to your posts this evening when I get home and settled. I'm sorry to hear you were crying and couldn't sleep. At least it's Sunday and you don't have to work, so maybe you can take a nap later.

 

I'm glad your therapist confirmed that guys hide their emotions but that it doesn't mean they don't have them. It's crazy that women are always having to ask others what men feel during breakups; I've seen a ton of threads online asking that very thing. It just goes to show that men are extremely confusing and give us very little to go on, so we're left feeling like they don't care at all. Something is wrong with that. It's sooo hurtful to us (women).

 

I thought it was interesting in that link I sent you how the guy pushed her to get all her clothes out asap, just like yours did to you. And then he cut her off completely and didn't even try to get her back. Granted, the breakup was for different reasons, but it still does say a lot about silence not always equating to not caring. Here it is two years later and he's still wanting to contact her.

 

I know exactly how you feel when you say he gave up on you. I feel mine did too. But I guess they could say the same for us. I agree that yours knows he hurt you and that you love him, but he probably also feels that you hate him. He may feel that he was so hurtful that this was the final straw for you, after three breakups. I truly don't at all feel that he doesn't care, and I'm not just saying that. He's acting cold, but I don't believe that his feelings went cold. Maybe for a few days in the beginning when he was still feeling some anger, but I think that most likely vanished pretty quickly. I agree with your therapist that he's probably thinking and feeling a lot of the same things that you are.

 

I wish I had time to write more, but I guess I better get a move on. I'll be back as soon as I can this evening. I hope you have a decent day and that you can find some moments to relax your mind, even if just for a bit. Hang in there. Talk soon!

[Ksol9]

Good morning ksol. I slept later than I intended, and I had wanted to get to work earlier today. I still have to eat and do a few things before I leave, but just wanted to say hello. I'll reply to your posts this evening when I get home and settled. I'm sorry to hear you were crying and couldn't sleep. At least it's Sunday and you don't have to work, so maybe you can take a nap later.

 

I'm glad your therapist confirmed that guys hide their emotions but that it doesn't mean they don't have them. It's crazy that women are always having to ask others what men feel during breakups; I've seen a ton of threads online asking that very thing. It just goes to show that men are extremely confusing and give us very little to go on, so we're left feeling like they don't care at all. Something is wrong with that. It's sooo hurtful to us (women).

 

I thought it was interesting in that link I sent you how the guy pushed her to get all her clothes out asap, just like yours did to you. And then he cut her off completely and didn't even try to get her back. Granted, the breakup was for different reasons, but it still does say a lot about silence not always equating to not caring. Here it is two years later and he's still wanting to contact her.

 

I know exactly how you feel when you say he gave up on you. I feel mine did too. But I guess they could say the same for us. I agree that yours knows he hurt you and that you love him, but he probably also feels that you hate him. He may feel that he was so hurtful that this was the final straw for you, after three breakups. I truly don't at all feel that he doesn't care, and I'm not just saying that. He's acting cold, but I don't believe that his feelings went cold. Maybe for a few days in the beginning when he was still feeling some anger, but I think that most likely vanished pretty quickly. I agree with your therapist that he's probably thinking and feeling a lot of the same things that you are.

 

I wish I had time to write more, but I guess I better get a move on. I'll be back as soon as I can this evening. I hope you have a decent day and that you can find some moments to relax your mind, even if just for a bit. Hang in there. Talk soon!

 

Hi there! I'm glad you were able to get some rest. Hopefully it was enough.

 

So yes, my therapist spoke a lttle bit about men and how they express their emotions. We are all human and we all feel, but it's like you told me before, men don't have the same outlets that we do. My therapist was telling me that he is more emotional and has female friends he will confide in. He said there are often times he will go to the gym or just need pure solitude to process his thoughts and feelings. I remember anytime something was going on in his life, not necessarily with us, he would get very quiet and would sit on the patio. I could tell he was deep in thought. He is a deep thinker. He's just not very outwardly open about his emotions. There were times I couldn't tell if he was sad, happy, mad...just a very composed person...serious looking.

 

I thought the exact same thing as I read the thread you sent me last night. I found it interesting that he pushed his gf to get all of her things and went silent immediately. Very similar to what happened with me. Regardless of the reasons behind the breakup, it goes to show how a man can behave so coldly. His true feelings behind did not match his actions. My thinking is that his initial reaction was out of self protection. He knew she wanted out and so he behaved this way to protect himself. After the emotions and reality settled in, he realized he wanted her back. Strange that he didn't once try to get her back. My guy pushed me to get my things also, he sent me some text messages explaining for the next couple days, all of which I ignored. Never heard a word from him since. I still think the phone call early on was a mistake call because he would have sent a text. He just walked away. I can't believe we are going on week 5. Sometimes I don't feel like this is real. I look around and I wonder..how did I end up here again in this place that I loathe?? I get angry at times at him for allowing this to happen again, but then at the same moment, I realize I didn't do anything to prevent it either. As for you, I know you feel like he walked away and just didn't care, but you at least know he tried and tried. It wasn't that he didn't care. It was that he felt like that was his only choice. I'm more inclined to think mine doesn't care at all. He was cold and harsh. That's all I was left with and the more I think about it, why would he come back saying he changed his mind?

 

I just remembered..well it's actually been running through my mind. His daughter's birthday is on Tuesday. It's crazy how they were such a big part of my life and now they are non existent. It's crazy how I was their stepmom for so long and now we are not apart of eachother's lives. I still think about them all the time. I know they don't need me, but it just makes me sad. I've always told them that no matter what happens, if they ever needed anything they could always give me a ring. I thought about texting her a happy birthday and a quick hello, but I don't think I will. Sometimes I wonder what they think about me. Maybe they dislike me. They probably think I don't care about them, but they are very smart children. I know they understand. It's best I stay out of the picture and if things change in the future, I'll be able to make it up to them then.

 

I'm going to clean up a bit and then maybe do some reading. I really wish I was spending this superbowl Sunday with him. The weather is just gorgeous today...sunny with a nice breeze. I remember my therapist telling me to smile even if I don't want to..fake it until you make it. Going to try to make the best out of today.

Have a great day at work! Will chat again soon.

[Ksol9]

I don't know how, but I found the engergy to redo my closet and clean up. Everything is neat and organized now. Since moving back in, I just put things where they could fit. Everything was out of whack. I took a shower afterward and now I'm laying in bed. I lit some scented candles. Hopefully I can relax a bit. I feel somewhat accomplished today. I at least got something done that I can feel good about. I need to make small term goals like that. Maybe slowly but surely I can get in the rhythm of things.

 

I'm still crying over him today. I have this slight headache because the past couple of days I've been crying so much. I took some Tylenol and I'm just going to relax the rest of the evening. I don't even want to watch the Super Bowl. Wishing we were together to watch it but he's no where to be found. Sometimes I feel really silly, for lack of a better word, thinking so much about him. For all I know he has met someone new and is happy enjoying his life right now. I don't think I'll ever comprehend how easy it was for him to walk away and never speak to me again. I'll always twist and turn my brain trying to understand the reasoning behind it. Not to mention how bad it makes me feel about myself and our relationship. I even wonder if these recent drive bys, the trips alone, and songs have anything to do with missing me. I question if I'm just so upset about it all that I'm not seeing things clearly, that he doesn't want anything to do with me and hasn't for about a month now.

 

I was thinking earlier how he's very different that anyone I've ever met or even dated. He's a very reserved person. Most of the men I have ever dated wanted to be close and connected. He on the other, seems to need/require space to regenerate. I mean everyone does, but he may require more than the average person. I even think he is prone to depression. He reminds me of you, lostlove regarding the alone time and space. I think I put a lot of pressure on him...when I didn't need to because of my insecurities or worries over my assumptions. People like that hate pressure and hate to feel like they are being controlled. I really should have let go and put all that effort and pressure on myself. There were so many things I could have accomplished for myself in the past 2 years. I know I often hold the weight of everything and I do acknowledge he had a lot of fault in this also, but I know I'm such a stubborn and hard headed person. I didn't learn from my mistakes. If I did, we might not be where we are today.

 

I know it's all said and done. No use worrying about what could have been. I better relax my eyes a bit until this medicine kicks in.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. Just letting you know that I'm about to catch up and respond. I meant to be here earlier, but the Super Bowl was starting right as I got home and I ended up watching it. My very first Super Bowl lol. I hope you had a good day. Give me a few to get settled and I'll start reading.

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. Just letting you know that I'm about to catch up and respond. I meant to be here earlier, but the Super Bowl was starting right as I got home and I ended up watching it. My very first Super Bowl lol. I hope you had a good day. Give me a few to get settled and I'll start reading.

 

 

Nice!! Glad you got to watch the game. I feel like I did everything I needed to do, so that itself made it a good day. I thought I would get a nap in but I didn't. I'm settled in bed now. I don't think I'll fall asleep, so I'll be here to chat. I'm really glad you watched the game. At least that took your mind off of other things for a while. How was work?

 

Somehow I ended up reading the text messages from those last couple of days again. I feel really naive and it made me think about what we were talking about yesterday. If he might feel like I should contact him. Funny how you said we can sometimes alter how things happened in our minds because I think I'm seeing things differently as I read them again. I said to myself..ohhh this IS pretty bad.. He was so full of anger and maybe it was in response to all the mean things I said to him, but he completely put the nail in the coffin. Those messages were horrible. He didn't want a thing to do with me and he didn't want to talk about it. I don't know what I was thinking at the time but I just couldn't read between the lines. He was so angry. What in the world makes me think he would reconsider. There's no way he is going back on when he said. He kept repeating...this relationship is going no where, we know this is not going to work. I remember just sobbing..asking him why he was doing this to me. It was messy and there's no coming back from that. He's going to let it go.

 

I feel like having something sweet to eat. I'm going to go grab a snack. Lol. Talk soon.

[lostlove76]

Hi. It looks like you're still up, so maybe you'll get to read this before you drift off. If not, it'll be here for later. I'll probably just write a bit without quoting for now, and then I want to hop on my laptop and respond to a few specific things.

 

I'm sorry that you had a headache, and that you felt sad today because it was the Super Bowl and you weren't with him I just watched it by myself; my parents watched too, but I watched it in my room. I completely understand not wanting to watch it because you associate it with him. I'm sorry At least it's over, and another weekend is now over.

 

I wonder if it would make you feel better to text his daughter on her birthday? It's up to you, of course, and whatever you feel is best is perfectly okay. But if you wanted to text her a little something, I don't see anything wrong with that at all. I'm quite sure they don't dislike you. If anything, it sounds like they blame their dad for your relationship troubles, and seems they're aware of his difficult nature. I say this based on the comments they made to you about that. I'm sure they don't blame you, and I'm sure they miss you just as you miss them. Whether you ever talk with them again or not, just know that you were an important part of their lives, and no one can take that from you or from them. I know it's a tough spot to be in, missing them but feeling unable to communicate because of the circumstances.

 

Congrats on getting your closet and room organized! I'm sure that'll make you feel a little bit better to have your space tidy. Our surroundings can really affect our mood. A cluttered room equals a cluttered mind. Maybe it'll bring you just a small bit of peace, and you can feel good that you accomplished something. I always feel sooo much better after I've cleaned up.

 

I'm going to go ahead and post this, in case you're still awake but about to drift off, just to give you something to read and to know that I'm here thinking of you. I apologize ahead of time if my responses in my next post or two get lengthy; I told myself I was going to try to keep it shorter, but I have a really hard time doing that. The words just flow, I guess. I'm sure I overexplain everything (just as I'm doing now ) But again, please don't ever feel bad if you don't reply to it all, or even any of it. I only want to comfort you, not pressure. As always, I'll be up late if you can't sleep. I hope you get some rest though. Hugs, and chat again soon

[lostlove76]

Nice!! Glad you got to watch the game. I feel like I did everything I needed to do, so that itself made it a good day. I thought I would get a nap in but I didn't. I'm settled in bed now. I don't think I'll fall asleep, so I'll be here to chat. I'm really glad you watched the game. At least that took your mind off of other things for a while. How was work?

 

Somehow I ended up reading the text messages from those last couple of days again. I feel really naive and it made me think about what we were talking about yesterday. If he might feel like I should contact him. Funny how you said we can sometimes alter how things happened in our minds because I think I'm seeing things differently as I read them again. I said to myself..ohhh this IS pretty bad.. He was so full of anger and maybe it was in response to all the mean things I said to him, but he completely put the nail in the coffin. Those messages were horrible. He didn't want a thing to do with me and he didn't want to talk about it. I don't know what I was thinking at the time but I just couldn't read between the lines. He was so angry. What in the world makes me think he would reconsider. There's no way he is going back on when he said. He kept repeating...this relationship is going no where, we know this is not going to work. I remember just sobbing..asking him why he was doing this to me. It was messy and there's no coming back from that. He's going to let it go.

 

I feel like having something sweet to eat. I'm going to go grab a snack. Lol. Talk soon.

 

I'm glad you felt you had a productive day! That always helps, even if just a little bit. Work was good, thanks

 

It really is amazing how much we probably alter what happened in our minds. That goes for you, him, me, and mine; everyone does it. In that show The Affair that I mentioned watching the finale of recently, it always shows the same circumstances from each character's point of view. All kinds of details are different in each person's memory, from the sequence of events to words spoken to emotions felt, etc. It's obviously just a tv show, but it's a brilliant one, with excellent writing that mimics real life. Your recollection and his of everything may be significantly different. We're only talking about a month ago, but it's less about memory and more about perception. I just think this is an important thing to realize, because in your version of events, it's as if he wanted to be done with you and immediately and coldly quit caring. I would feel the exact same as you are feeling, no doubt. But his train of thought may be completely different.

 

As for his anger and the things he said... I can easily say that I've done similar in relationships, too many times to count. It's in my nature to harshly lash out when I feel hurt. I fear losing someone, and yet I end it before they can. Which makes no sense, but I think a lot of people do this. I can see myself doing exactly what your guy did to you, and saying all the same things. I can see it, because thinking back, I've done it. I can turn my emotions cold in the moment and act like they mean nothing to me, and then later, that wears off and I panic and want them back. I did this very thing with mine during that first breakup. I don't know why I've never thought to tell you this. It just occurred to me right now. To make a long story short, what led to the first breakup was him saying we were just "friends" after the first 6 weeks, when we were clearly more. This, along with certain circumstances that were about to change (his living situation), kicked my defenses into gear. I was worried he would drop me, so I dropped him first. I don't even remember what I said, but it was cold, and then I deleted him off Facebook. I'm sure it was something along the lines of "I can't do this anymore." Then I told him to forget about the job he was supposed to do for my parents. (I'm really trying to keep this short. If you want details, just ask.) But what your guy did and said just very much reminds me of that right now. And I can say with absolute certainty that I did NOT want to lose him, even though I ended it in the heat of emotional upset on my part. That could very well have been what happened with your guy. And then how does one fix it, ya know? Everything feels complicated and raw, he feels like you hate him, this is the third time it's happened. The best thing to do is communicate, but your guy is not good at that. I can't know that this is what happened, but it's certainly a possibility, because I know that it happened with me.

 

Just remember that words spoken in anger are not always the truth. People get frustrated and defensive and spit out hurtful words. You did the exact same thing to him, really, as I know you realize. And you didn't mean everything you said, so there's a good chance that he didn't either.

 

The problem is that there was zero communication about it afterwards, so neither of you know if the last words spoken were actually meant.

[lostlove76]

He knew tensions were building more and more those last few days, yet he didn't do anything. He knew I was really upset, whether I was wrong in the way I was behaving or not, yet he continued to allow things to escalate. He knew this was a critical time, and I did also, with the children leaving. I still feel if he really and truly cared about me, he would have made exceptions regardless. Somehow figured out a way to hold things over until the children were gone. Instead he brushed off communicating with me completely. I made numerous attempts to talk to him. I called him outside, we sent text messages. He wanted me to drop it and I pressed on. I know I was wrong, but so was he.

 

He obviously has problems with communicating. How is he with stress, in general? Does he handle it okay for the most part, or no? I can't remember exactly, but wasn't there some incident with his boss during which he got really stressed out and maybe blew it out of proportion? The reason I ask is because some people really cannot handle a lot of stress (I am one of those, big time, so I can relate) and maybe it was just too much for him to deal with relationship problems at the same time that the kids were soon to be leaving. It's not a good thing, no doubt, but it is what is is. Maybe he just didn't have the coping skills to figure things out and make exceptions. It doesn't mean he didn't care about you. I would feel exactly as you did in your position, I know for sure, but I'm trying to give you an outside view. It wasn't your "fault" and you weren't bad or wrong to need certain things from him during that time, but it could be that he simply didn't have it to give. Maybe neither of you were at fault, per se. It was just a really tense time, and your needs were conflicting with his. You needed reassurance, and he needed to not have anything extra to deal with. Ideally, you could meet somewhere in the middle, but your issues and his issues made that very difficult. I'm sure there could have been some solution in hindsight, but hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it. In the moment, neither of you had the coping skills to work it out. Those kinds of skills - him, knowing how to communicate and deal with stress, and you, knowing how to self-soothe without feeling the anxious need for reassurance - take a long time time to learn and perfect. What I'm trying to say is that there was really nothing that either of you could have done differently, because you didn't know how. In a way, I would hope that this view could bring some sense of peace, because I know that you flip-flop between blaming him and blaming yourself. But if either of you had known how to do differently, I know that you would have. I remember you worrying a lot about what was going to happen when the kids left; he could have been worried about it too, whether or not he consciously acknowledged it to himself. It was all building up to a boiling point (not just about the kids leaving, but other issues such as trust, as well), and it blew. That's what I feel happened. It wasn't due to a lack of caring on either side. It wasn't even due to a lack of effort. You both did try, as much as you each knew how. But we can only do what we know how to do, and you each have major areas that you need to work on (as does most everyone).

 

I don't ever want you to blame yourself, ksol, because what is important is that your heart was always in the right place. And maybe his was too, as flawed and as frustrating and as deeply hurtful as he may be. I have no doubt that he cared for you and valued you. He has major issues due to his upbringing, and it has affected how he relates within a relationship. Likewise, you have issues with anxiety and negativity and trust, and it makes things very difficult for you.

 

I hope you get what I'm trying to say

 

ETA: For the record, I will ALWAYS take your side in this, and I do know exactly how you're feeling, as I would feel all the same things that you are. I don't at all like how he's treated you, and I feel you deserve way better. I just know that with myself, it's always helped to try to see things from my ex's side and understand his issues so that I don't take things quite so personally, even though it's my tendency to just assume he didn't care at all. So that's what I'm trying to help you do, as well. They did care, as much as they were capable of - they just have issues that keep them from showing it at times. We just need to remember this rather than let it destroy our self-esteem

[lostlove76]

As I was reading your post I thought of something. When your guy was with the married woman, how were his Facebook habits at that time? While she was staying with him, did he go on frequently or hardly at all? Also, I know you are very hurt that he allowed her to move in so quickly, but was unable to make preparations for your move to be with him, but I don't see it the way you do. I understand why you feel the way you do, but I believe her moving in was completely unplanned. She was just a lost soul and the circumstances were just convenient at the time. He obviously didn't want her there and that is why there was so much back and forth. It was forced. Just a mess of a situation. I don't even call that a relationship, so in that regard, I don't think you should be angry with him for that. I think your source of anger is the simple fact that he gave up and moved on by seeing these other women. You feel that if he truly loved you, he wouldn't be able to have feelings for anyone else. But what if there was no other choice and his only choice, in his mind, was to move on and find someone new. You and I ruminate a lot and you always tell me that I don't know what my guy is thinking, I can say the same for you. We don't know what he is going through.

 

Thank you so much for this. As I've said, it always helps when you give me the outside perspective. I'm like you, always thinking the worst possible scenarios. But when you lay it out like this, I think you're right. He didn't plan for her to move in. She was just there, looking for somewhere to live so that she could escape her home life and be in her hometown, and he was caught up in the excitement of the whole thing. So it just happened. I can't help but be angry at him for it, but it helps me feel just a tiny bit less hurt to see it like this. To answer your question about his online habits... I either hadn't yet noticed that I could see him online or it wasn't a thing at the time, so all I had to go on was his "posts liked by" and "posts commented on by", etc. He liked posts daily while at work, and occasionally commented on some things. A few weeks after she moved down there, he liked a couple of things that made me feel just awful: one was "You fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time"; another was something like "It means the world to know that your presence matters to someone." I knew they were about her, and it killed me. Ugh. But then it wasn't long before I could tell he had kicked her out the first time, and he ended up kicking her out again and wouldn't let her back. All of this within a 3.5-4 month period before she tucked her tail between her legs and when back home to her poor husband. His online presence now differs slightly in that he's been online, but he's not liking or commenting on much of anything. He did today, which was unusual. He made a cheerful comment on a mutual friend's page, and I haven't seen him do that in a long long time. So I don't know what that was about. My imagination is constantly churning about him with this new girl, like maybe they had a falling out but now they're good, and that's why he was cheerful. I don't know. I just miss him

 

I feel SO bad for writing so much all at once yet again. I really really don't want to overwhelm you and give you novels of stuff to read when you wake up. I'm sorry Just as long as you know that you can read it without having to reply to all of it, maybe it's okay. I hope you're getting some sleep, and will chat with you tomorrow.

[Ksol9]

Good morning lostlove,

 

I read your posts night. I woke up in the middle of the night and could not go back to sleep, but I wanted to wait until I had some more time to write. I just wanted to let you know that you should never feel like you write too much. You are very thorough in your thinking and writing and that is what is so special about you. You just understand me and I appreciate it.

 

I feel so drained waking up with this on my chest and in my mind everyday. Everyday that goes by, smoke is clearing, dust is settling, and I'm just realizing I love this man. I don't love him any less as time goes by. It's really scary to think I'll never speak to him again. I just couldn't find it in myself to contact him after all the things he said. Any change of heart has to come from him and that doesn't look like it's happening. I thought a lot about what you said about his capacity to give at the time around the break up. He doesn't deal well with stress and this is something my previous therapist pointed out. He was unable to give me the attention and care I needed because he was dealing with so much. I took it into consideration but my insecurities got the best of me and I grew more impatient by the day. Hindsight really is 20/20. It feels like ages since I last saw him. This week will be 5 weeks of nc.

 

I saw something on Facebook this morning when I couldn't go back to sleep. I was looking at a random woman's page and the father of her children passed away many years ago. A family member of the father has access to his Facebook page and sent her some screen shots of messages he sent her during a time they had split up. The woman said she completely forgot about those messages and hadn't seen them in years. He was asking her to delete his mistakes and start new. She didn't want to because she said he had hurt her too many times, but she went on to explain in her post that she wished she had never let her pride get in the way. She said they often took turns holding on to pride through any of their troubled times. It just made me think of my situation.

 

Well I hope you have a wonderful day. I'll be back later to write more.

[Ksol9]

As for his anger and the things he said... I can easily say that I've done similar in relationships, too many times to count. It's in my nature to harshly lash out when I feel hurt. I fear losing someone, and yet I end it before they can. Which makes no sense, but I think a lot of people do this. I can see myself doing exactly what your guy did to you, and saying all the same things. I can see it, because thinking back, I've done it. I can turn my emotions cold in the moment and act like they mean nothing to me, and then later, that wears off and I panic and want them back. I did this very thing with mine during that first breakup. I don't know why I've never thought to tell you this. It just occurred to me right now. To make a long story short, what led to the first breakup was him saying we were just "friends" after the first 6 weeks, when we were clearly more. This, along with certain circumstances that were about to change (his living situation), kicked my defenses into gear. I was worried he would drop me, so I dropped him first. I don't even remember what I said, but it was cold, and then I deleted him off Facebook. I'm sure it was something along the lines of "I can't do this anymore." Then I told him to forget about the job he was supposed to do for my parents. (I'm really trying to keep this short. If you want details, just ask.) But what your guy did and said just very much reminds me of that right now. And I can say with absolute certainty that I did NOT want to lose him, even though I ended it in the heat of emotional upset on my part. That could very well have been what happened with your guy. And then how does one fix it, ya know? Everything feels complicated and raw, he feels like you hate him, this is the third time it's happened. The best thing to do is communicate, but your guy is not good at that. I can't know that this is what happened, but it's certainly a possibility, because I know that it happened with me. Just remember that words spoken in anger are not always the truth. People get frustrated and defensive and spit out hurtful words. You did the exact same thing to him, really, as I know you realize. And you didn't mean everything you said, so there's a good chance that he didn't either.

 

The problem is that there was zero communication about it afterwards, so neither of you know if the last words spoken were actually meant.

 

This sounds exactly like what happened the first time we broke up and this one...well, I'm not sure if those were actual feelings, but it could very well be anger just as you described. After your first breakup where you told him to forget about the job for your parents and deleted him off facebook, did you go into NC? How did it get resolved. It seems as though this is how he is...just like you. Even what happened with his daughter. He was angry and frustrated and wanted to send her to her mother. I waited for the appropriate time, even though I didn't think I should get involved, and I advised him to think from a rational place and to do what was best for both children, that was the only reason he decided not to send the daughter away. If he didn't stop to think twice, he would have allowed his anger and frustrations to make the decision to send her away. This is just the type of person he is. Just like yourself, some people will say and do very harsh things only later to realize that isn't what they truly want. You may not have wanted to be done with him, but your actions definitely spoke otherwise. So in my situation, that could have definitely been the case, but nothing has been done to rectify it. I left and went into NC, making no fuss simply because I didn't want to get hurt any further. I have just those few clues to say that he may be thinking about me, but other than that, I'm left to believe exactly what he last said to me...that he no longer wanted the relationship because he felt we would never work out. I completely get why he was so upset and angry with me. I said some very horrible things to him in reference to my lack of feelings and that I could do better, I stonewalled him, I barely even looked at him those last few days. I didn't hate him...I was just hurt and I thought it was going to provoke him to sit down and talk to me. I now see how unhealthy that behavior is and it obviously got me into more trouble than I bargained for. I do believe this is what happened.

 

He obviously has problems with communicating. How is he with stress, in general? Does he handle it okay for the most part, or no? I can't remember exactly, but wasn't there some incident with his boss during which he got really stressed out and maybe blew it out of proportion? The reason I ask is because some people really cannot handle a lot of stress (I am one of those, big time, so I can relate) and maybe it was just too much for him to deal with relationship problems at the same time that the kids were soon to be leaving. It's not a good thing, no doubt, but it is what is is. Maybe he just didn't have the coping skills to figure things out and make exceptions. It doesn't mean he didn't care about you. I would feel exactly as you did in your position, I know for sure, but I'm trying to give you an outside view. It wasn't your "fault" and you weren't bad or wrong to need certain things from him during that time, but it could be that he simply didn't have it to give. Maybe neither of you were at fault, per se. It was just a really tense time, and your needs were conflicting with his. You needed reassurance, and he needed to not have anything extra to deal with. Ideally, you could meet somewhere in the middle, but your issues and his issues made that very difficult. I'm sure there could have been some solution in hindsight, but hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it. In the moment, neither of you had the coping skills to work it out. Those kinds of skills - him, knowing how to communicate and deal with stress, and you, knowing how to self-soothe without feeling the anxious need for reassurance - take a long time time to learn and perfect. What I'm trying to say is that there was really nothing that either of you could have done differently, because you didn't know how. In a way, I would hope that this view could bring some sense of peace, because I know that you flip-flop between blaming him and blaming yourself. But if either of you had known how to do differently, I know that you would have. I remember you worrying a lot about what was going to happen when the kids left; he could have been worried about it too, whether or not he consciously acknowledged it to himself. It was all building up to a boiling point (not just about the kids leaving, but other issues such as trust, as well), and it blew. That's what I feel happened. It wasn't due to a lack of caring on either side. It wasn't even due to a lack of effort. You both did try, as much as you each knew how. But we can only do what we know how to do, and you each have major areas that you need to work on (as does most everyone).

 

As I was saying earlier, he doesn't handle stress well at all. As a matter of fact, he has an extremely low tolerance. Lower than anyone I've ever met. He withdraws. He doesn't freak out, but he just doesn't deal. He's extremely introverted and will deal with any issues by processing it on his own time. He thinks everything through thoroughly and will then react. Like the issue with his boss, I have never heard him so upset about something. He was just lost in thought. And I remember when I suggested communicating and being more understanding...he said, "Me?? I have nothing to say to him!" He wanted his boss to resolve the issue as he wasn't going to. I've seen him take this approach in general. He won't take the initiative to fix things. He doesn't feel like he was the one who did anything wrong. It just occurred to me that is probably how he feels with what happened with us. He feels like I messed up. I don't think he thinks I should be the one to fix it. He may just feel like it's too big of a problem to fix or it maybe never be able to fix so he is just going to carry on with his life. And I also recognize that I was not helping the situation. He had asked me many times to wait until we get everything sorted out with the children and then we had forever to focus and work on our relationship. I now see how selfish I was being..Im ashamed, but as you said, if I could help it, I would have. I just didn't think it was right. Children or no children, you don't neglect your significant other emotionally. That's like saying married couples put aside their relationships issues because there are children in the home or issues with the children. It was very difficult for me and if I could go back, I would have waited until the children left. At this very moment, I can't even tell you what was so horrible for me to be behaving that way. I just felt completely neglected and unloved. I've had a lot of time to sort all of these things out in my mind and I do see where both of us went wrong and what needs to be fixed. Unfortunately, I don't know if we will ever have that opportunity. It sure feels like he is done, that this is final, and he is moving on with his life.

 

Thank you for explaining everything in the way you did because I do feel like you made some good sense out of it. Just thank you for understanding me.

 

Thank you so much for this. As I've said, it always helps when you give me the outside perspective. I'm like you, always thinking the worst possible scenarios. But when you lay it out like this, I think you're right. He didn't plan for her to move in. She was just there, looking for somewhere to live so that she could escape her home life and be in her hometown, and he was caught up in the excitement of the whole thing. So it just happened. I can't help but be angry at him for it, but it helps me feel just a tiny bit less hurt to see it like this. To answer your question about his online habits... I either hadn't yet noticed that I could see him online or it wasn't a thing at the time, so all I had to go on was his "posts liked by" and "posts commented on by", etc. He liked posts daily while at work, and occasionally commented on some things. A few weeks after she moved down there, he liked a couple of things that made me feel just awful: one was "You fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time"; another was something like "It means the world to know that your presence matters to someone." I knew they were about her, and it killed me. Ugh. But then it wasn't long before I could tell he had kicked her out the first time, and he ended up kicking her out again and wouldn't let her back. All of this within a 3.5-4 month period before she tucked her tail between her legs and when back home to her poor husband. His online presence now differs slightly in that he's been online, but he's not liking or commenting on much of anything. He did today, which was unusual. He made a cheerful comment on a mutual friend's page, and I haven't seen him do that in a long long time. So I don't know what that was about. My imagination is constantly churning about him with this new girl, like maybe they had a falling out but now they're good, and that's why he was cheerful. I don't know. I just miss him

 

Yes, I don't think he did any of this with malice or intentions to hurt you. If I were in your shoes and I knew he was interested in another woman, I would totally send him somewhere bad. I wouldn't want anything to do with it because I would feel like he is just keeping his options open. I do believe you were his first choice. He didn't want to lose the relationship and he would have continued the relationship with you, but because you shut him out, he started things with that woman. I absolutely think you did the right thing, because there was no telling what was going to happen. That woman is a selfish woman and I don't think she would have cared if he was in a relationship. Some women have no morals whatsoever. It is ok to be angry with him for what happened and I guess it just happened the way it did for a reason. As time went on, he just seemed to have went with the notion that you wanted to move on with your life and wanted nothing to do with him. There is no telling what he is feeling right now, but I do think alot of things were left unsaid between the two of you and he just thought that was the way it was supposed to be. I know that you miss him. I'm sorry that this thing left a hole in your heart. It's not easy and there's no one solution. Just take care of yourself.

 

I try to stop at the park daily...the one I told you about just to get some fresh air. I actually sit down and say a little prayer. I think about my life and where its headed. I mostly pray for patience. Patience, peace, and clarity. God knows I want him to walk back into my life, but the worst feeling in the world is not being able to know muchless control what is happening. Sometimes I feel so ridiculous for even missing him. After the way he treated me, I feel like he has since moved on with his life and may have even met someone new. I just cant comprehend how he could go so long without making some sort of contact if he still had feelings for me. It doesn't feel like the other times to me. It feels like the end.

 

I'm at home now. I want to take a nap because I've been up since 5. I don't know if I'll be able to fall asleep. If I don't catch you, hope you enjoy the rest of your day!

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol! I'm going to reply after I eat lunch, but just wanted to say a quick hello. That's nice that you got off work early. Did you get a good nap? I'm sorry that you woke up last night and couldn't go back to sleep. I woke up late today but still didn't feel like I got enough. I don't know if you do this, but every morning, I wake up with negative thoughts immediately on my mind, mostly about him with all these other girls. It's hard to thought-stop it when you're still in and out of sleep. Just very unpleasant, and sets the tone for a bad day ahead.

 

I'm starving, haven't eaten a single thing yet today, so let me go do that and then I'll be back. I hope you're having a good afternoon.

[lostlove76]

Hi again. He has been online a ton during the past 2 1/2 hours. He'll stay on for a while and then get off for a few, then back on. I have no clue what he could be doing. Nothing is showing up that he's liked or anything. It makes me feel close to him when I see him online. Just an illusion, I know, since we're not even speaking. I just wish that I was on his mind like he is on mine. Sigh. You said you feel silly for thinking about yours and missing him, but please don't... that's just what happens when you care. Sometimes I feel like there are people (not talking about on this thread, just in general) who expect others to be robots and get over someone at the drop of a hat. It just doesn't work that way when you've loved someone. Go easy on yourself and don't feel bad for having emotions.

 

This sounds exactly like what happened the first time we broke up and this one...well, I'm not sure if those were actual feelings, but it could very well be anger just as you described. After your first breakup where you told him to forget about the job for your parents and deleted him off facebook, did you go into NC? How did it get resolved.

If I remember correctly, we didn't talk for a couple of days and then he said hey. We made small talk for a minute and then I got mad all over again. This is when I then spent two months texting him trying to fix it, and he was ignoring me. That was honestly one of the lowest times of my life. I went from apologizing, to getting mad again and being nasty, back to apologizing, and he just would not respond. I could see he read them, because it was through fb messenger and it showed them as read. I asked him to tell me to stop texting if he wanted me to stop, but he didn't. Never said a word. Finally I quit for two weeks and then texted again saying that we didn't have to talk about anything heavy, that a simple hello would do. And he replied and said hello. That convo was really short, just a couple of texts. I said hi again two days later and he invited me over and said it would be nice to see me. I went, and we hugged, and it all felt normal. He apologized for not responding but didn't explain it. Then he mentioned a few things I had said in my texts along the way, so I knew that he did indeed read them all. It was all a bit strange, really, that I spent two months sending semi-crazy texts (some of them pretty mean) and chasing him, and he was totally cool with all of it, didn't hold any of it against me. There was so much that happened after all of that, too, but that's the gist of what happened. Also forgot to mention that when I deleted him off Facebook and all, I immediately got back on the dating site where we met. Out of spite, I think. A few days later, he got back on too, and we both stayed on for 2 hours straight. I'm pretty sure that we were both seeing each other on there, and just refreshing the page and watching. That's what it felt like. After 2 hours, I got off and when I looked again a few minutes later, he had gotten off too. Games, I guess.

 

Anyways, I think you can see from all of that that I acted just horribly, and yet I still wanted to be with him. And he ignored me for two months, but then wanted to see me again. People do unbecoming things when they're mad or hurt. The next few times we broke up, I sent an angry text and then went completely silent until he contacted weeks later and I responded.

 

Let me switch to laptop.

[lostlove76]

Even what happened with his daughter. He was angry and frustrated and wanted to send her to her mother. I waited for the appropriate time, even though I didn't think I should get involved, and I advised him to think from a rational place and to do what was best for both children, that was the only reason he decided not to send the daughter away. If he didn't stop to think twice, he would have allowed his anger and frustrations to make the decision to send her away. This is just the type of person he is.

So it took him being advised to do something other than just give up. In the situation of the break up, he doesn't have anyone to advise him on what to do, because guys just don't talk to others about these things. You said he may talk to his boss, but who knows what another guy would say about anything. So he's left to just go with his natural tendencies, which is to give up. I'm not sure what my point is.

 

I said some very horrible things to him in reference to my lack of feelings and that I could do better, I stonewalled him, I barely even looked at him those last few days. I didn't hate him...I was just hurt and I thought it was going to provoke him to sit down and talk to me. I now see how unhealthy that behavior is and it obviously got me into more trouble than I bargained for. I do believe this is what happened.

And I also recognize that I was not helping the situation. He had asked me many times to wait until we get everything sorted out with the children and then we had forever to focus and work on our relationship. I now see how selfish I was being..Im ashamed, but as you said, if I could help it, I would have. I just didn't think it was right. Children or no children, you don't neglect your significant other emotionally. That's like saying married couples put aside their relationships issues because there are children in the home or issues with the children. It was very difficult for me and if I could go back, I would have waited until the children left. At this very moment, I can't even tell you what was so horrible for me to be behaving that way. I just felt completely neglected and unloved.

 

I've done the same as you before, and I guess that's what I was doing when I broke up with him that first time. This is from some of the reading on attachment theory, and it explains why you were acting that way towards him:

 

 

Anxious Attachment. You want to be close and are able to be intimate. To maintain a positive connection, you give up your needs to please and accommodate your partner. But because you don’t get your needs met, you become unhappy. You’re preoccupied with the relationship and highly attuned to your partner, worrying that he or she wants less closeness. You often take things personally with a negative twist and project negative outcomes. This could be explained by brain differences that have been detected among people with anxious attachments.

 

To alleviate your anxiety, you may play games or manipulate your partner to get attention and reassurance by withdrawing, acting out emotionally, not returning calls, provoking jealousy, or by threatening to leave.

 

Makes sense, huh? And that's why I say you really couldn't help it. The anxiety and needs for reassurance were there, and that can only be suppressed for so long before it comes out in some way. In order to have acted differently, you would have needed not to feel the anxiety, and that's not something that is easily or quickly achievable.

 

As I was saying earlier, he doesn't handle stress well at all. As a matter of fact, he has an extremely low tolerance. Lower than anyone I've ever met. He withdraws. He doesn't freak out, but he just doesn't deal. He's extremely introverted and will deal with any issues by processing it on his own time. He thinks everything through thoroughly and will then react.

You're right that I am just like him in some ways, especially with what you said above. I have an extremely low tolerance to stress, also. I can't deal with it. I either withdraw completely and close in on myself, or I vent it all out to my poor parents (they are sooo patient and understanding, I swear). I'm also about as introverted as one can possibly get. So I can understand him on some level. He doesn't have anyone to vent to (guys really just don't do this, they don't talk to people about their problems like women do), so he just withdraws. It's the whole man cave thing. He stays withdrawn until the problem has worked itself out, and then he'll reemerge. Meanwhile, you're left feeling abandoned and neglected and confused like right now. He could just be processing all of this on his own time, and it apparently takes him a really long time to do that.

 

Yes, I don't think he did any of this with malice or intentions to hurt you. If I were in your shoes and I knew he was interested in another woman, I would totally send him somewhere bad. I wouldn't want anything to do with it because I would feel like he is just keeping his options open. I do believe you were his first choice. He didn't want to lose the relationship and he would have continued the relationship with you, but because you shut him out, he started things with that woman. I absolutely think you did the right thing, because there was no telling what was going to happen. That woman is a selfish woman and I don't think she would have cared if he was in a relationship. Some women have no morals whatsoever. It is ok to be angry with him for what happened and I guess it just happened the way it did for a reason. As time went on, he just seemed to have went with the notion that you wanted to move on with your life and wanted nothing to do with him. There is no telling what he is feeling right now, but I do think alot of things were left unsaid between the two of you and he just thought that was the way it was supposed to be. I know that you miss him. I'm sorry that this thing left a hole in your heart. It's not easy and there's no one solution. Just take care of yourself.

Thank you so much for this

 

It's so hard when you don't really know what they're thinking, isn't it? When you're left to wonder exactly what the heck happened from their point of view. I know that's how you feel, having no clue what he's thinking, and having to make guesses and assumptions.

 

He's now been online for going on 4 hours straight (well, on and off, on and off). The ex isn't on, so he's not talking to her. And like I said, he's not really one to have long drawn-out texting/messaging conversations. He'll say a few words and then take a long time to reply back. So I don't think he's been consistently talking to someone this whole time. And still no post likes have shown up. He could be liking posts on pages that are private, but being online for so long, he would most likely be liking some of the stuff that mutual friend's have posted about the Super Bowl and such. So I just have no clue what he's doing.

 

Meant to ask you, is "posts commented on by ___" working for you at all? It hasn't been working for me lately. It brings up crazy random stuff.

[Ksol9]

Sorry I quoted this out of order, but I wanted to comment on this before I forget.

 

Meant to ask you, is "posts commented on by ___" working for you at all? It hasn't been working for me lately. It brings up crazy random stuff. [/Quote]

 

No it stopped working a few days ago. Thats funny that it stopped working for you too. As you said, weird random stuff with key words come up.

[Ksol9]

Hi again. He has been online a ton during the past 2 1/2 hours. He'll stay on for a while and then get off for a few, then back on. I have no clue what he could be doing. Nothing is showing up that he's liked or anything. It makes me feel close to him when I see him online. Just an illusion, I know, since we're not even speaking. I just wish that I was on his mind like he is on mine. Sigh. You said you feel silly for thinking about yours and missing him, but please don't... that's just what happens when you care. Sometimes I feel like there are people (not talking about on this thread, just in general) who expect others to be robots and get over someone at the drop of a hat. It just doesn't work that way when you've loved someone. Go easy on yourself and don't feel bad for having emotions.

 

I think I feel silly because I am so in love with him and I feel like he has just moved on with his life and isn't even thinking about me. The more time that goes by, I say to myself...he really doesn't care about me at all. Of course I imagine the worst, like he is seeing someone new. I see him online very often. He constantly signing off and then back on all day and into the night. I find it so hard to believe that he would be sitting at home just thinking about this over and over. Sometimes, I feel like I'm not facing the reality of this situation. We haven't spoken in about 5 weeks and neither one of us has said a word to eachother. Hurts like hell to think he could easily have forgotten about me.

 

Anyways, I think you can see from all of that that I acted just horribly, and yet I still wanted to be with him. And he ignored me for two months, but then wanted to see me again. People do unbecoming things when they're mad or hurt. The next few times we broke up, I sent an angry text and then went completely silent until he contacted weeks later and I responded.

 

I do believe anger played a major role in what happened those last few days. He was reacting to the way I was treating him over the course of those few days and at the time, I couldn't understand why he was so angry with me. Looking back, I must have sounded like a total crazy woman because that is crazy making behavior. Funny how I didn't recognize it at the time. If someone was behaving that way with me, I would have blown up just like he did. I don't know if I would go as far as breaking up, but I would have thrown a fit. Regardless of whatever ever factors there were, I don't know if they still play a role in the reason why we have not spoken since. He must still stand firm in his decision. The whole thing just feels like a lost cause and that has to be one of the worst feelings. I can't explain how terrible it feels. During the first breakup, there was no contact initiated by him, but there were signs. He drove past my job, he posted things on facebook. The second break up there was LC and then about 3 weeks of NC. Now this time, radio silence, no signs, and no pokes. Granted we are no longer facebook friends and the only other time I saw him was the day of the car wash. He cant be still thinking about me like I am thinking about him. I dream of him almost every night. These break ups have been one of the worst things I have ever been through in my life.

 

His daughter's birthday is tomorrow. I decided that it's best that I step aside. It's not going to do me any good keeping in communication with them. It will only hurt me more. I don't think he would want me to contact them anyhow, especially if he is upset with me. He must have told them not to contact me because I haven't heard from them once and normally they both text me alot since they each have their own cell phones. Everything seems so final.

 

So it took him being advised to do something other than just give up. In the situation of the break up, he doesn't have anyone to advise him on what to do, because guys just don't talk to others about these things. You said he may talk to his boss, but who knows what another guy would say about anything. So he's left to just go with his natural tendencies, which is to give up. I'm not sure what my point is.

 

I was thinking about this today. How embarrassing it must be to explain this to friends and family that we have broken up. His boss knew about the previous breakups. He even told him about the email I found. His boss is such a good person. He is the owner of the company and even tried to take into account our relationship issues when asking him to travel. He told him that he wouldn't have him traveling much for a little while since he was trying to rebuild trust with me and since the children were leaving. His boss is pretty much his only friend. Anytime his boss is in town, they go out for drinks, they go fishing, just guy stuff. But can you imagine, how embarrassing it is for him to tell his boss that we broke up once again. He probably made me look like a fool. Anyhow, I'm very confidant that his boss would advise him to do the right thing for himself. I don't know if he is even contemplating his decision at all, for all I know, his decision was final and his boss supported that decision because he is doing what's best for him. Any friend or family would advise on doing what's best for you. I never wanted to get in the way of his work. He may feel that being with me will only cause troubles with his job as I would have trouble with his traveling. See what I mean? Everything just seems so impossible and I think that is why I don't believe I will ever hear from him again. He threw his hands up and walked away.

 

I've done the same as you before, and I guess that's what I was doing when I broke up with him that first time. This is from some of the reading on attachment theory, and it explains why you were acting that way towards him:

 

 

Anxious Attachment. You want to be close and are able to be intimate. To maintain a positive connection, you give up your needs to please and accommodate your partner. But because you don’t get your needs met, you become unhappy. You’re preoccupied with the relationship and highly attuned to your partner, worrying that he or she wants less closeness. You often take things personally with a negative twist and project negative outcomes. This could be explained by brain differences that have been detected among people with anxious attachments.

 

To alleviate your anxiety, you may play games or manipulate your partner to get attention and reassurance by withdrawing, acting out emotionally, not returning calls, provoking jealousy, or by threatening to leave.

 

Makes sense, huh? And that's why I say you really couldn't help it. The anxiety and needs for reassurance were there, and that can only be suppressed for so long before it comes out in some way. In order to have acted differently, you would have needed not to feel the anxiety, and that's not something that is easily or quickly achievable.

 

This was very interesting to read. It describes exactly...to the tee...what I was doing and the reasons behind. I am not proud of this behavior at all and I hope to change it. It will not work for him or any man I choose to be with. It's unhealthy crazy making behavior. As they say...everything in moderation. I think women in general know how to act to get their way and most men know this. I think when it is taken to the extreme to the point where you're hurting the other person emotionally, then it's a major problem. Obviously my behavior was downright wrong. I feel really horrible treating him the way I did. I honestly didn't even realize it at the time. I felt hurt and slighted, so this was my defense. I think the most important question I could ask about this is...how to stop those behaviors? Is it mainly just awareness so you catch yourself? What can I do to make sure I don't treat anyone like this?

 

I thought long and hard about this and there is no doubt in my mind that him and I can overcome this. I have to stay focused on myself and my goals. I have to support him, we have to support eachother..look our for one another. I don't believe our relationship was riddled with problems. I know we've broken up and gotten back together before and I'm not saying that this will happen again, but I do still hope to hear from him again. I still love him deeply.

 

I can feel that tomorrow is going to be a very sad day for me. It's his daughter's bday and I just can't be apart of any of it. I would have liked to talk to her, but I don't think it's in anyone's best interest especially mine to do so.

 

You're right that I am just like him in some ways, especially with what you said above. I have an extremely low tolerance to stress, also. I can't deal with it. I either withdraw completely and close in on myself, or I vent it all out to my poor parents (they are sooo patient and understanding, I swear). I'm also about as introverted as one can possibly get. So I can understand him on some level. He doesn't have anyone to vent to (guys really just don't do this, they don't talk to people about their problems like women do), so he just withdraws. It's the whole man cave thing. He stays withdrawn until the problem has worked itself out, and then he'll reemerge. Meanwhile, you're left feeling abandoned and neglected and confused like right now. He could just be processing all of this on his own time, and it apparently takes him a really long time to do that.

 

I think this is another reason you understand the situation so much. You are much like him in how you react. I remember in the Dr. Weil book she suggests that when tensions are high, it's best to announce your love for the other person and say you need a little time out. I really think that would have helped if I would have told him I loved him but was going to keep my distance until things cooled off. Instead I disappeared and he was probably left wondering what I was doing all day and with who. Not nice. I would not like it if he did those things to me. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. In the situation you talked about when you told him forget about the job for your parents, how would you have liked for him to respond to you? Did you want him to give you space or lovingly push to talk to you? I think for me, I just wanted him to tell me that we need to take a time out and to put things back into perspective for me. I guess it was very wrong of me to ask him to mind read. I realize my communication skills are way off as well.

 

It's so hard when you don't really know what they're thinking, isn't it? When you're left to wonder exactly what the heck happened from their point of view. I know that's how you feel, having no clue what he's thinking, and having to make guesses and assumptions.

 

I am doing alot of guessing and assuming. I am human and I still love him. I wonder what he is doing and I wonder if he is thinking of me and missing me like I am him. Right now, I feel like nothing else matters...like all the troubles we had do not matter. I just want to be with him. I just can't believe sometimes after all we talked about and built, that he just doesn't care to say a word to me. How cold is that?

 

He's now been online for going on 4 hours straight (well, on and off, on and off). The ex isn't on, so he's not talking to her. And like I said, he's not really one to have long drawn-out texting/messaging conversations. He'll say a few words and then take a long time to reply back. So I don't think he's been consistently talking to someone this whole time. And still no post likes have shown up. He could be liking posts on pages that are private, but being online for so long, he would most likely be liking some of the stuff that mutual friend's have posted about the Super Bowl and such. So I just have no clue what he's doing.

 

I think when he's on for long periods of time like this...on and off. It's because he is doing nothing and he is bored. That is what some people do. They mindlessly scroll through their timeline. Clicking on this page, that page. Just a way to pass time.

[lostlove76]

Sorry I quoted this out of order, but I wanted to comment on this before I forget.

 

 

 

No it stopped working a few days ago. Thats funny that it stopped working for you too. As you said, weird random stuff with key words come up.

 

Okay thanks, so it's a Facebook glitch and not just mine. Very annoying.

[lostlove76]

I think I feel silly because I am so in love with him and I feel like he has just moved on with his life and isn't even thinking about me. The more time that goes by, I say to myself...he really doesn't care about me at all. Of course I imagine the worst, like he is seeing someone new. I see him online very often. He constantly signing off and then back on all day and into the night. I find it so hard to believe that he would be sitting at home just thinking about this over and over. Sometimes, I feel like I'm not facing the reality of this situation. We haven't spoken in about 5 weeks and neither one of us has said a word to eachother. Hurts like hell to think he could easily have forgotten about me.

Is it abnormal for him to be online so much? Sounds like what mine is doing. I know what you mean about feeling easily forgotten, and how extremely hurtful that is. I really don't think he's forgotten you though. I'm sure you're on his mind the majority of the time, at whatever level. It's only been 4-5 weeks, and you two were together for a long time. At least with him being online, you can be reasonably sure that he's alone.

 

I think when he's on for long periods of time like this...on and off. It's because he is doing nothing and he is bored. That is what some people do. They mindlessly scroll through their timeline. Clicking on this page, that page. Just a way to pass time.

Maybe. It's just odd, because he's not usually on so much. I feel like he's lurking because of someone, and I just don't know who it is. My mind keeps running through all the possibilities. Married woman, new girl, ex, someone in not even aware of. So many women. I think if he was scrolling mindlessly, he'd be liking stuff. I click like constantly as I scroll. It's now been like 6 hours he's been on, and not a single like has shown up. But who knows. I still want to believe that it's because he's missing me, but that's really just a silly thought after all this time. There have been many times today when I've sat online for various lengths of time while he's on, and then I'll get off. Then I get back on a few minutes later to look, and he's gotten off. I'm sure it's a coincidence and is all in my head, but it feels like we're both lurking around for the same reason sometimes. Which is stupid. It's most likely one of these other women. Or maybe he is newly single after things not working out with new girl, so he's bored and lonely and doing what you said. Agh, who knows.

 

His daughter's birthday is tomorrow. I decided that it's best that I step aside. It's not going to do me any good keeping in communication with them. It will only hurt me more. I don't think he would want me to contact them anyhow, especially if he is upset with me. He must have told them not to contact me because I haven't heard from them once and normally they both text me alot since they each have their own cell phones. Everything seems so final.

This sounds reasonable, the reasons not to contact her. I'm so sorry that you're having such a hard time with all of this. Not just with him, but also missing the kids. I can't recall, did they contact you during the previous two breakups? Maybe they just feel awkward about it and don't really know what to say, since they know you two have split.

 

This was very interesting to read. It describes exactly...to the tee...what I was doing and the reasons behind. I am not proud of this behavior at all and I hope to change it. It will not work for him or any man I choose to be with. It's unhealthy crazy making behavior. As they say...everything in moderation. I think women in general know how to act to get their way and most men know this. I think when it is taken to the extreme to the point where you're hurting the other person emotionally, then it's a major problem. Obviously my behavior was downright wrong. I feel really horrible treating him the way I did. I honestly didn't even realize it at the time. I felt hurt and slighted, so this was my defense. I think the most important question I could ask about this is...how to stop those behaviors? Is it mainly just awareness so you catch yourself? What can I do to make sure I don't treat anyone like this?

That is a good question. I think the root of it is finding some way to lessen the anxiety and insecurity, rather than just trying to stop the behaviors, because that is very hard to do when you're feeling anxious. I think you can be aware that you do it, tell yourself you'll do better, and then revert right back to it the minute you start feeling neglected or worried or anxious. It's very deep-rooted. From what I've read, it can be extremely difficult to change your attachment style. When you're with a more secure partner, you eventually start to feel more secure yourself. But when you're with an avoidant partner, it triggers all your anxieties. Avoidants are the WORST partners for anxious, and yet the two gravitate towards each other. This is all explained in those books I read, and you can find info about it online as well. But I think the answer to your question is 1) therapy, which you're doing - learning to manage the anxiety and change negative thought patterns, etc, which all takes time, so you have to be patient with it, and/or 2) be with a more secure partner who is more unphased by your behaviors and is patient and understanding and willing to give reassurance without enabling. Without your guy changing HIS attachment style (as much as is possible, because I don't think it can really be fully changed), your anxieties are going to continue to be triggered. I hope that makes sense. This doesn't mean it's undoable, but something has to change for it to work. You have to meet in the middle. He has to be more understanding and open, and you have to somehow reach a more secure place within yourself. I'm no expert, but from everything I've read, that's my best opinion.

 

Switching to laptop

[lostlove76]

I think this is another reason you understand the situation so much. You are much like him in how you react.

I'm much like him in a lot of ways, and much like you in a lot of ways... maybe because I'm "fearful-avoidant" according to that test, so I have both avoidant and anxious tendencies. I act very similar to how you behave as well, and feel all the same worries and anxieties. I learned to control acting out on them a good bit with him, because I saw that it gave me the opposite of the effect that I wanted. If I pushed forward, he backed away. So I was constantly FILLED with anxiety and needs for reassurance, and yet I didn't outwardly show it. In fact, I went to the opposite extreme by never ever texting/calling first, etc. I guess that's kind of contradictory to what I was saying before, about how you can't help but act a certain way when you feel the anxiety. In the past, I couldn't control it, it always came out. It was only through him that I learned to control it, and I must say that it didn't feel good, other than as a source of pride; so I wouldn't really call it a solution, ya know?

 

In the situation you talked about when you told him forget about the job for your parents, how would you have liked for him to respond to you? Did you want him to give you space or lovingly push to talk to you?

I 100% wanted him to fix things and show me that he cared. It might have taken a while before I gave in if he had done that, but I really wanted him to just reassure me that he didn't want to lose me. Way later on, he did do that - kept calling and apologizing and saying he loved me, and it helped me get over it faster, and then once I got over it, we were back to good. I would sit there and fuss at him for an hour on the phone because I was hurt about something, and he would just say over and over that he was sorry and he's an idiot. That was something that I really really loved about him, and it makes me sad that we aren't together anymore, because he has some really amazing qualities. There really aren't many guys who would do that.

 

I think for me, I just wanted him to tell me that we need to take a time out and to put things back into perspective for me.

So you wanted him to give you space? That wouldn't have made you feel abandoned?

You're right that he can't read your mind. It would have been good to at some point, when times aren't heated, to have a loving discussion about how each of you would like for the other to react during those kinds of moments. But like we said, hindsight is 20/20. And women expect men to read their minds all the time - seriously, ALL THE TIME! So please don't be too hard on yourself. A lot of the things you did and said are very typical of women; you're not at all alone in the ways you acted. I know you're beating yourself up pretty hard about it sometimes, and I can fully understand feeling that way. But you don't deserve to be feeling so bad about the things you did. None of it was done with ill intention, and most of it you really couldn't help. As Maya Angelou says, "When you know better, you do better." You aren't a horrible person, and you didn't do anything that was horrible.

 

You're probably going to bed soon, so I'll go ahead and post this. I'll be up for a short while, but I'm going to try to at least get in the bed earlier tonight, even if I can't fall right to sleep. If you write in the next hour or two, I'll respond. Otherwise, I hope you can sleep well, and I will talk to you tomorrow. Hugs

[Ksol9]

Is it abnormal for him to be online so much? Sounds like what mine is doing. I know what you mean about feeling easily forgotten, and how extremely hurtful that is. I really don't think he's forgotten you though. I'm sure you're on his mind the majority of the time, at whatever level. It's only been 4-5 weeks, and you two were together for a long time. At least with him being online, you can be reasonably sure that he's alone.

 

No its not abnormal for him. When he's alone, this is what he does. He'll watch videos and scroll. He'll read articles. I know he isn't playing video games or else he wouldn't be on Facebook so much, but who knows what's really going on in his life. 5 weeks feels like a long time.

 

Maybe. It's just odd, because he's not usually on so much. I feel like he's lurking because of someone, and I just don't know who it is. My mind keeps running through all the possibilities. Married woman, new girl, ex, someone in not even aware of. So many women. I think if he was scrolling mindlessly, he'd be liking stuff. I click like constantly as I scroll. It's now been like 6 hours he's been on, and not a single like has shown up. But who knows. I still want to believe that it's because he's missing me, but that's really just a silly thought after all this time. There have been many times today when I've sat online for various lengths of time while he's on, and then I'll get off. Then I get back on a few minutes later to look, and he's gotten off. I'm sure it's a coincidence and is all in my head, but it feels like we're both lurking around for the same reason sometimes. Which is stupid. It's most likely one of these other women. Or maybe he is newly single after things not working out with new girl, so he's bored and lonely and doing what you said. Agh, who knows.

 

Hmmm...if you got off and then got back on and he got off, that makes me think he maybe on there to see if you'll contact him. Especially if it happened a few times, that's more than coincidence. I didn't even think about it like that. We kept talking about these other women and I just had it in my mind that he's alone because he's probably just scrolling, getting off and getting on, when in fact he could be lurking. People are so savvy with this Facebook stuff. It's not just us who notice others online and search activity logs. This is what these social media sites have come to be about. I wouldn't doubt that he has noticed you online, just like you have.

[lostlove76]

Hmmm...if you got off and then got back on and he got off, that makes me think he maybe on there to see if you'll contact him. Especially if it happened a few times, that's more than coincidence. I didn't even think about it like that. We kept talking about these other women and I just had it in my mind that he's alone because he's probably just scrolling, getting off and getting on, when in fact he could be lurking. People are so savvy with this Facebook stuff. It's not just us who notice others online and search activity logs. This is what these social media sites have come to be about. I wouldn't doubt that he has noticed you online, just like you have.

 

That's what I was feeling like, like he was maybe doing what you said, seeing if I would contact. It happened many many times with him getting off after I got off, but it really could just be coincidence. There were a couple of times I tested it and he didn't get off. I didn't count, but I'm guessing maybe 6-8 times that he got off right after I did. And then we both got back on within a few minutes and stayed on for a while. Then I'd get off, get back on a few minutes later, and he was off. Then he'd get back on, rinse and repeat. It's quite possible that it's all in my head.

 

He stopped getting on a little after 9, and hasn't been back on. So I'm assuming that he is either at work and just got tired of being on, and/or had duties to do, or he had the day off and has now gone to the bar. Or to be with new girl but who knows.

 

You're right that it's not just us that do this online searching and lurking. It feels sometimes like we're the only ones, but you're right, I'm sure that lots of other people do it too. I used to always feel like he was doing it in the past. Like he would get online a lot, and then finally he would call me (since I never ever called him first). And that time on the dating site, when we both sat there for 2 hours at the same time. I never really knew for sure if he was doing this kind of thing, but it certainly felt like it. Maybe he's doing it with someone else now.

[Ksol9]

It's funny how you said this is typical behaviors of women because I was actually thinking that when I was typing my post. My guy friend also said the same thing. He said all women put on this act. They're all the same! I got a good laugh out of that one. Although I beat myself up over my behavior at times, I know to a certain extent it's all pretty normal. I know I settled for a lot of things other women would not have settled for. He just could not and did not want to deal with the extra stress that I was giving him. He felt it was unnecessary and while I think my behavior was not the best, I don't think I'm being unreasonable for the reasons behind it. There was no communication there towards the ends. Very little to none. He didn't want to address any relationship ship matters until the children left. I couldn't handle that.

 

When I said I wanted him to step in and do something. I meant intervene. I wanted him to be the bigger person, be the man, show me he cared, and communicated with me. Even if that means t taking a breather. I just wanted him to stop the crash before it happened, but we can't expect too much of others. I was responsible for myself and I should have controlled my emotions. I didn't handle myself well at all and I don't think he did either. I know there isn't anything I can do about it now, but I do think I'm able to get a good understanding of both sides. With your help, I'm able to see and understand his side and I've also recognized my own faults. This has been such a long, long road.

 

I can feel another wave of sadness. It's so crazy how I've become so accustomed to these stages. I can easily identify them. I try to hold it in, but prolonging it never seems to help because no matter what it pours out. I can't imagine him experiencing his pain and hurt that I am. I have come to realize and accept that I am just a highly emotional person. Maybe other people aren't as emotional as I am. I seem to be more sensitive. Sorry if I sound silly.

[lostlove76]

I can feel another wave of sadness. It's so crazy how I've become so accustomed to these stages. I can easily identify them. I try to hold it in, but prolonging it never seems to help because no matter what it pours out. I can't imagine him experiencing his pain and hurt that I am. I have come to realize and accept that I am just a highly emotional person. Maybe other people aren't as emotional as I am. I seem to be more sensitive. Sorry if I sound silly.

 

You don't sound silly at all. I'm the same exact way - more sensitive and emotional than others seem to be. It has it's downfalls, but it also means that you're highly caring and empathetic, and that's a really special quality. Everyone in your life is lucky to have you. Men just can't handle emotion as well. They don't know what to do with it. (Because they're emotionally stunted!) Men and women are just so very different - it truly is like we're from two different planets (Mars/Venus) and we can't understand each other.

 

It's funny how you said this is typical behaviors of women because I was actually thinking that when I was typing my post. My guy friend also said the same thing. He said all women put on this act. They're all the same! I got a good laugh out of that one. Although I beat myself up over my behavior at times, I know to a certain extent it's all pretty normal. I know I settled for a lot of things other women would not have settled for. He just could not and did not want to deal with the extra stress that I was giving him. He felt it was unnecessary and while I think my behavior was not the best, I don't think I'm being unreasonable for the reasons behind it. There was no communication there towards the ends. Very little to none. He didn't want to address any relationship ship matters until the children left. I couldn't handle that.

Exactly. So much of this IS very typical, both in how you acted as a woman and how he acted as a man. Even this: "I know I settled for a lot of things other women would not have settled for." Women are known for settling for way too much from men, for sticking around through all kinds of neglect and mistreatment. I would say that it's actually more rare to find a woman who would walk away from that if she was in love. Women stick it out and try to make things work, oftentimes for far longer than is good for them. It's also common for couples to fight, and for arguments to blow up into breakups.

 

Having said all that, just because it's all typical and common doesn't make it hurt any less, I know.

[Ksol9]

Every single night I dream of him and when I wake up, I don't want to go back to sleep. When I sleep, I don't feel like Didnt actually get any sleep. This is lke an illness that isn't getting any better. I hate waking up in the middle of the night and he's not there. I keep thinking about his daughter. I feel really, really terrible that it's her bday and I won't even send a happy bday, but I know it's the right thing to do. I should stay away. He shut me out of his life and he wants nothing to do with me. He has hurt me so much and he continues to hurt me each day when continues to walk away. I feel like everything was a lie. He lied when he said he loved me. I wouldn't be able to allow this much time go by if the situation was reversed. He just doesn't care about me anymore. He seems to be happy being alone. This is what he wants.

 

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I don't want to do anything. I just want to stay home. It's like I'm screaming out to him and he's not listening to me. God knows I'm trying, but this is just too much to bear at times. I feel like running over there at this very moment. The only place I want to be is in his arms and protection I'm in a million pieces and he doesn't care.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. How are you feeling today? I just got up and need to get ready for work in a few. I know today might be rough for you, with it being her birthday. I'm sorry. Did you ask anyone else what they think about whether you should text her or not? I know you've decided not to, but I was just curious what others thought. I'm trying to put myself in your position to see what I would do, but I can't, because I've never seriously dated anyone with kids. I imagine that I probably wouldn't text either, but I don't really know. Anyways, I'm just sorry that it's hard on you.

 

I'm running behind and better get moving, but just wanted to say hello. Let me know how you're feeling later.