Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I was feeling grumpy myself yesterday and didn't really feel like talking to anyone, so I didn't post anything. I can see how things may get overwhelming here with all the responses, so I may lay low the next few days and just kind of give you a break. I'll still check in and read your posts. Hang in there. My thoughts are with you, and I hope you have a good weekend.

[Ksol9]

Hey lostlove, I'm sorry you were feeling grumpy. I've been in the same kind of mood lately. I hope that you don't think I am overwhelmed by your posts. I enjoy being able to chat and really need the support. I think I'm just being very impatient with myself. I've been feeling extremely upset with myself for still experiencing all these emotions. I keep thinking about how he has moved on with his life and I am here crying and thinking about him all the time. He's done this to me so many times already. By now, I should have developed thicker skin. It's been a whole month of NC. I keep seeing him post selfies of himself. He added another woman that I remember had asked him out for drinks. He had deleted her earlier in the year. All these things are showing me that he isn't thinking of me. He is thinking about moving on with his life. He's constantly on facebook. I see him online constantly. I know it may not help me to continue looking, but nothing can hurt more than the hurt I'm already experiencing. He has moved on with his life. He just dropped all his feelings for me in a split second and walked away a month ago.

 

The sadness, the anger, the different emotions would come in waves, but recently I'm just stuck somewhere with a lot of sadness. I feel myself isolating myself. I don't want to be around anyone, I'm avoiding phone calls, and I've even asked my therapist to see him in 2 weeks rather than next week. I'm know I'm doing what's best for me by not contacting him, but it's just very hard to believe he is so cold. I shouldn't be surprised at all. This is the 3rd time he has walked away from me and this time seems to be permanent. This is going to be a long weekend.

 

Lostlove, I hope you are in better spirits today. Come back and chat...let me know how things are on your end...if you're in the mood. Take care.

[browneyedgirl36]

Hey Ksol -- I just wanted to drop in to let you know I am still reading and following your posts. I just haven't responded because I'm not sure what I can say that would be helpful at the moment except maybe that what you're going through is all normal -- it has happened to many of us, and we've come out OK on the other side, as will you. It's hard, though, when you're in the midst of it, to see that. I know this from personal experience.

 

Hang in there -- keep up the therapy, keep reading, keep moving forward. You will get there!

[Ksol9]

Hey Ksol -- I just wanted to drop in to let you know I am still reading and following your posts. I just haven't responded because I'm not sure what I can say that would be helpful at the moment except maybe that what you're going through is all normal -- it has happened to many of us, and we've come out OK on the other side, as will you. It's hard, though, when you're in the midst of it, to see that. I know this from personal experience.

 

Hang in there -- keep up the therapy, keep reading, keep moving forward. You will get there!

 

 

Thank for your writing. I really needed this. I'm in the middle of another breakdown. Just having a rough time.

[UnchainedSoul]

Hi Ksol,

 

Just checking in too. Don't know if you saw my last post, but I have been here reading too. Not really knowing what to contribute either. But I am here in spirit, holding your hand on your journey. *Gentle Hugs*

 

You are not alone in your feelings, it's really hard what you are going through, but I think you should keep the therapy appointment for next week instead of two weeks. You always come out so much clearer after you see him. Please go, or at least try to.

 

Hang in there.

[Ksol9]

Thank you unchainedsoul. Thank you so much. I appreciate you so much.

 

There really isn't anything anyone can say to help me...just your support alone offers me strength and hope when I have none.

[Ksol9]

I spent the evening drowning in my sorrows. I feel pathetic, but at the same time I know I have to just go through this..feel every ounce of it. I have to have faith in that this is just necessary.

 

I peeked at his Facebook a little while ago. He posted a status saying, "When a woman loves...she loves for real!!"

I knew instantly what that was. It's a song by R. Kelly. Beautiful song. That's one thing we both have in common. We love all different types of music...good music, timeless music.

 

And just like everyone has said here...I shouldn't live my life in sadness. I can't keep going through this. I deserve so much more. I wish this heartbreak could be over. Soon enough I guess. In time I guess. With all the sadnes that I'm constantly feeling I can't think. I want to start thinking about my plans for the future, not only on bettering myself for a relationship..just planning in ways to live a more fulfilled life. He has hurt me so much. I don't know how long I'm going to take to recover.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I'm sorry I didn't write earlier; I had a bit of a busy day. Thank you for saying you don't feel overwhelmed by my posts, but I did feel that I was probably writing way too much. I have a hard time keeping it short, being such an overanalyzer, and then trying to reply to each and every point when I can. So I just thought I should step back a bit and not write quite so much.

 

Anyways, I'm sorry you had another bad day. I can only imagine how it felt seeing him add another woman. I would say that it isn't that he isn't thinking of you, but maybe that he's trying not to. Just as you've told me, he may feel like he has no choice but to move on, because it may seem to him like you must surely be done. I'm not sure what to make of the status with the R. Kelly lyrics.

 

I know you're getting impatient with yourself, but please don't be. You just have to feel every bit of it, and go through it, like you said. There's really no way around that. Some people can distract themselves from it, and some can't. I'm not even sure that distracting from it is the best course of action, anyhow. It's normal to feel sad when you lose someone.

 

Like the others here, I guess I'm at a bit of a loss with what to say at the moment, because as you said, no words can really help. I know exactly how you feel, though, and I completely empathize with you. I'll be around tomorrow if you want to chat a little. If not, that's okay too. I'm the queen of isolating myself, so I get it. I hope you get some sleep. Hugs.

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. I'm sorry I didn't write earlier; I had a bit of a busy day. Thank you for saying you don't feel overwhelmed by my posts, but I did feel that I was probably writing way too much. I have a hard time keeping it short, being such an overanalyzer, and then trying to reply to each and every point when I can. So I just thought I should step back a bit and not write quite so much.

 

Anyways, I'm sorry you had another bad day. I can only imagine how it felt seeing him add another woman. I would say that it isn't that he isn't thinking of you, but maybe that he's trying not to. Just as you've told me, he may feel like he has no choice but to move on, because it may seem to him like you must surely be done. I'm not sure what to make of the status with the R. Kelly lyrics.

 

I know you're getting impatient with yourself, but please don't be. You just have to feel every bit of it, and go through it, like you said. There's really no way around that. Some people can distract themselves from it, and some can't. I'm not even sure that distracting from it is the best course of action, anyhow. It's normal to feel sad when you lose someone.

 

Like the others here, I guess I'm at a bit of a loss with what to say at the moment, because as you said, no words can really help. I know exactly how you feel, though, and I completely empathize with you. I'll be around tomorrow if you want to chat a little. If not, that's okay too. I'm the queen of isolating myself, so I get it. I hope you get some sleep. Hugs.

 

Thanks for writing lostlove. I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your detailed writing. It's never overwhelming. You actually help me to see things from a different perspective that I wouldn't otherwise. You just understand me and our thinking is very much alike. I need the support and help and I just want you to know I appreciate you.

 

As for the song lyrics, I thought right away that he's in love with someone..although the song lyrics are more appropriate for him and I. R Lelly is singing about being forever indebted to woman who took him back after he broke her heart many times. he later posted a couple other videos of some old r&b songs late at night. Not the actual song video but home video from his house just recording the audio. I could see he was at home but wasn't capturing anything in particular. He was alone.. He was just listening to music. That must have been the mood he was in. Of course I'm thinking he's seeing someone new and is in love.

 

I'm just full of sadness and like you said, I have to just feel it. I feel when I bottle it up or try to distract, it still surfaces and it seems worse when it does so I realize I have to just feel it and let the tears go. All day yesterday I was just crying and when I saw those videos and song lyrics, I just decided I needed to go to sleep. He doesn't know the pain I am in. He's just missing from my life. He's moving on and there's nothing I can do about it. Do you know how paralyzing that is?

 

I have to take my dog to get her annual shots and then stop by the office for a few. I'll be around the rest of the day. No plans. Hope you are doing well. Do you have any plans or work this weekend?

 

Have a good one!

[Ksol9]

I was running around much of the morning. I couldn't wait to get back home. I changed into something comfortable and sat down with my laptop. I don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything. My friends asked if I would like to go out of town this weekend, but I'm just not in the mood. I've been isolating myself quite a bit. I haven't been talking on the phone much to friends or family. I want to be alone and that is where I feel most comfortable right now. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. My mom even asked if I would like to do some shopping later for the baby shower and get a bit to eat. I declined that as well. I always feel guilty when my mom asks me to do something together. I don't know why. When I said I didn't feel like going, I remembered what my therapist said, it's ok to say no...always do what youre ok with. It's not wrong to be selfish sometimes. lol It's silly because something as simple as that I had to do some self talk.

 

I really need to take care of myself right now. I know I have family and friends who care about me, I hope they don't think I just want to shut them out of my life or that I don't care. I would hope they understand that I'm going through a rough time. I just want to focus on the businesses and myself right now. My sister's baby shower is next Saturday. I'm pretty good at putting on a smile. No one on the outside knows what I am going through excluding my parents. The shower will be a nice time. We've got some special things planned for my sister. For that day, I'll put aside my troubles and worries to honor my sister and my nephew who will be here in April. I'm so very sad that he won't be there to celebrate, but this is just the way it is. Him and I never learned to handle our problems. I'll have to come up with some sort of response when everyone asks me where he is. No one knows we split. I really cant live my life like this.....

 

I don't know when things will just sail smoothly for me. I wonder if I'm even capable. Sometimes I feel like I make all these problems for myself. I remember a good friend of mine was talking to me when I first met him. I'll never forget what she told me. She said, "ksol...just enjoy the moment, enjoy eachother. All this worrying you're doing, you're going to push him away." She's been a life long friend. I met her in elementary school. We don't keep in touch often anymore. I spoke to not long after the break up. We talked a little about the breakup and she told me she was pregnant. I'm so happy for her.

 

All these things going on around me. Friends and family are happy. Everyone is enjoying life. What am I doing? I feel like I sabotage and mess up every good thing that comes my way. I don't know why I can't learn to enjoy life..live in the moment...and trust the plans God has for me.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. As usual, I haven't eaten yet, but wanted to write just a little before I have lunch and then I'll write more in a bit.

 

What your friend told you, I've had people tell me the same thing before. "Just enjoy it, you're going to ruin it with all the worrying." It's great advice, but oh so hard to follow. I would try not to blame yourself so much for it. You certainly don't do it on purpose, and even though you know on some level that it's not good for you or the relationship, you can't just easily switch it off. If you could have, then you would have. Everything you're doing now, with the interrupting thoughts and retraining your mind, should help in the long run, but it's not a quick fix. So just try not to be so hard on yourself for what has happened in the past. You're aware of it and making efforts to improve, and that's the best you can do. I know how you feel though. There have been times when I got so mad at myself (after the fact) for all the worrying and how I let it affect my relationships. I would think, "if only I hadn't done that, things might have been okay." But I honestly couldn't help it, and neither could you.

 

In regards to isolating yourself.... I wouldn't call it a good thing or a bad thing, just a necessary thing. You are so emotionally depleted that you have nothing to give right now, and it's really hard to be around people and try to put on a happy face when you're seeping in sadness. There's nothing wrong with that; it just is what it is. I feel guilty at times too. I pretty much completely dropped a really good friend of mine who I've known since high school. She made a couple of comments that offended me - one time telling me she didn't want to talk about him anymore, and another time telling me that I'm not the only one in this world with problems. I thought that was really insensitive, because I tried my darndest to talk about happy neutral things at least 75% of the time, but I simply can't do it ALL the time. It takes too much energy - energy that I don't have. So I'll just get back with her when I'm over this and hope that she's still there. If not, then oh well. I can only do what I can handle, and the same goes for you. I know that your mom completely understands what you're going through and doesn't take it personally. The people who don't know probably sense that something is up. Most people understand that people go through things at times and tend to withdraw. Is there a reason you haven't told people what is going on? It's always the first thing I tell people, so that they understand if I'm not fully there. I don't give them a whole sob story, just a brief statement that I'm going through something and having a hard time and may not be as available. They always understand. It may help you feel less guilty if you just kind of let people know, even if your explanation is vague.

 

My food is ready, so I need to run eat. But I'll be back.

[lostlove76]

Thanks for writing lostlove. I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your detailed writing. It's never overwhelming. You actually help me to see things from a different perspective that I wouldn't otherwise. You just understand me and our thinking is very much alike. I need the support and help and I just want you to know I appreciate you.

Thank you for saying this, ksol

 

As for the song lyrics, I thought right away that he's in love with someone..although the song lyrics are more appropriate for him and I. R Lelly is singing about being forever indebted to woman who took him back after he broke her heart many times. he later posted a couple other videos of some old r&b songs late at night. Not the actual song video but home video from his house just recording the audio. I could see he was at home but wasn't capturing anything in particular. He was alone.. He was just listening to music. That must have been the mood he was in. Of course I'm thinking he's seeing someone new and is in love.

I would probably be thinking the same as you, that he he was in love with someone new. But then half of me would be thinking and hoping it might be about me. And honestly, it's not at all far-fetched to think that it may be about you. There have been several times since my breakup when I've listened to some of my favorite songs for hours at a time, and he's always on my mind when I do it. I go through a range of emotions - crying and sad, then feeling somewhat good because of the memories it provokes, then back to sad. He's sitting there alone listening to this stuff, and recording himself doing it, no less. He's feeling something, whatever it is. We haven't seen any signs that he's with someone new, so there's definitely a chance that he's thinking about you during all of it. There's no way to know. But it's a possibility. And like you said, the R Kelly lyrics kind of go with your experience together (I haven't read them, but just from what you said). People seem to post song lyrics and videos and such when they're going through heartbreak. I'm trying to think if I've seen people do that when they're newly in love, and I can't recall. The majority of what I've seen is due to heartbreak. Any time I've done it, it was because I was feeling sad.

 

As for my situation. I guess the reason I was grumpy the other day is probably because he hasn't been getting online nearly as much. I've seen him get on and right back off a small handful of times. After him being online the entire day a few times recently, and hoping he was seeing me on there too, it feels like some kind of letdown. Which is silly I guess, but that's just how it feels. I imagine he must be spending tons of time with the new girl. And then I think, well maybe he's talking to the ex again. And then I think, maybe he and married woman are talking about her going back down there. I have no clue. I just know that he's never fully single. There's always someone. I've searched for clues and have found nothing. There have been a few times when it seemed like the new girl was active on fb shortly after he might have gone into work, but that could just be me "making the evidence fit the crime," as the saying goes. Thursday night he hopped on some time after midnight. He used to never work Thursday night shift, so I don't know if he was getting on from work or at home alone. I just can't figure any of it out. There's so little to go on. All I know is that he's not calling me, and apparently is never going to call me again. I feel like you feel. He just completely gave up and threw it all away. Maybe things would be different if he still lived here. Maybe he would have tried harder. Maybe he just feels there's no point with us being so far apart. If he really cared, he would move back here.

[lostlove76]

Ah, this is so stupid, but just wanted to share with you ksol. So this new girl I've been talking about that I've felt like he's with. Perhaps things didn't work out with them. I saw today that she had recently liked a quote that said something like "No relationship is a waste of time. You either learn what you do want, or you learn what you don't want." I think that someone would only relate to that quote if they'd had a relationship that didn't work out... not if they were in the honeymoon stage of a good one. And now I see that she was logged into her online dating profile today, whereas last time I checked in the past couple of days it had been close to 30 days ago. Soooooo, who knows, but I'm taking this as them not working out. Doesn't mean he won't turn things around. He often pulls away and then goes back apologizing. But for now anyways, this is what I'm thinking. Makes me feel a little better, but then my mind immediately jumps to he must be talking to the ex or married woman again. Sigh. Anyways, thought I would share.

 

How are you feeling this evening?

[Ksol9]

My impression of those songs he posted last night was that he was definitely feeling something. The only time I've ever seen him post lyrics like that was during our prior breakups. I honestly think he is sad about his children being gone. He has been doing a lot of strange things..the trip, lone boat rides, music in the dark. lol I'm not laughing at whatever struggle he is going through, but it's just sounds silly typing it out. I think he's alone and probably thinking about what direction he wants he life to go in. The other side of that is maybe he has met someone. Those three posts just gave me the impression he was sad and lonely. He was just probably reflecting on all the losses..the children moving, the end of our relationship, just the end of the life we had. It's been a 4 weeks now. 4 weeks of silence. No one knows what I'm really feeling inside. I think the very worst of him. I think he's playing the field and enjoying all this freedom.

 

As for you, so these past few days he still has not been active on Facebook? I would be thinking that he is busy with someone, but that doesn't have to be the case at all. Sometimes life gets hectic, work..you can't be sure. I feel like if he was spending time with someone, pictures would surface. For example, I am just like you, I still think he might be running around with this married woman, but as time goes on it doesn't look like the case at all. I still think just maybe they will start to see eachother, but I found another photo she was tagged in last Sunday at a festival in Tampa..she was in a photo with a different male friend. My point is, if they were starting something, she would be visiting him on the weekends or he would visit her. Clues of it eventually surfaces. That is what I'm saying about your situation. You would see signs of something. Maybe he is at a point in his life where he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship and is just hanging out. I don't think he is with the ex, the new woman, or the married woman exclusively. If he spends time with any of them we don't know. The problem with all of this is you are hurt that it is still not provoking him to contact you correct?. You feel the obstacles are too high for him to try. I am feeling the same way about my situation, but your situation differs from mine because of one significant thing. Yours tried numerous times to save your relationship. If the thought even enters his mind to contact you, because it isnt hard to find you, I think he would quickly shut it down. "I tried so many times, she doesn't want me, she hates me, she moved on, she has no feelings for me, if she changed her mind she would have contacted me." In my situation, I would be out of my mind to contact him after he made it clear that he didn't want the relationship, but if he had tried and I repeatedly rejected, eventually he would step back and hope that I would look for him when I was ready. Yours even gave you a little break and then popped back up again only to be rejected. I completely understand why he hasn't tried again. And I'm not saying you were wrong at all. If I saw signs that another woman was in the picture, I would have told him to go eff off. He can go sort himself out because I dont want anything to do with that. I absolutely think you did the right thing. I'm not suggesting you to contact him, but everything I explained above is the reason why I've always asked if you've ever considered making contact.

 

I got distracted and wrote this a little while ago. I'll post it and reply to your most recent post now.

[Ksol9]

Ah, this is so stupid, but just wanted to share with you ksol. So this new girl I've been talking about that I've felt like he's with. Perhaps things didn't work out with them. I saw today that she had recently liked a quote that said something like "No relationship is a waste of time. You either learn what you do want, or you learn what you don't want." I think that someone would only relate to that quote if they'd had a relationship that didn't work out... not if they were in the honeymoon stage of a good one. And now I see that she was logged into her online dating profile today, whereas last time I checked in the past couple of days it had been close to 30 days ago. Soooooo, who knows, but I'm taking this as them not working out. Doesn't mean he won't turn things around. He often pulls away and then goes back apologizing. But for now anyways, this is what I'm thinking. Makes me feel a little better, but then my mind immediately jumps to he must be talking to the ex or married woman again. Sigh. Anyways, thought I would share.

 

How are you feeling this evening?

 

 

You said one key thing that made a lot of sense...honeymoon stage. When people are in a honeymoon stage they are in a euphoric state. Everything in the world is beautiful. They like and post inspirational quotes and you can just sense they are happy. They want the whole world to know about the love they have. God is wish I was at such a place in my life...

I didn't think the heart like a few weeks ago meant she was a love interest. I think you're just like me..we think the worst when it's not even close. I don't think him and this woman are involved like that. Find a little comfort in that for now because I know your mood has been off lately because you've been thinking about him a lot.

[lostlove76]

My impression of those songs he posted last night was that he was definitely feeling something. The only time I've ever seen him post lyrics like that was during our prior breakups. I honestly think he is sad about his children being gone. He has been doing a lot of strange things..the trip, lone boat rides, music in the dark. lol I'm not laughing at whatever struggle he is going through, but it's just sounds silly typing it out. I think he's alone and probably thinking about what direction he wants he life to go in. The other side of that is maybe he has met someone. Those three posts just gave me the impression he was sad and lonely. He was just probably reflecting on all the losses..the children moving, the end of our relationship, just the end of the life we had. It's been a 4 weeks now. 4 weeks of silence. No one knows what I'm really feeling inside. I think the very worst of him. I think he's playing the field and enjoying all this freedom.

I really think you're most likely correct about why he's doing all these things - he's sad and lonely and reflecting on loss. Although, I do feel you diminishing your possible importance in it all - instead of feeling like he's missing you, you think he's just sad about the kids. You do acknowledge that maybe he is reflecting on losses such as the end of your relationship and the end of the life you all had together, but just the way you say it, I feel like you're lumping it all in together and you don't really believe that he cares much that he's lost you in particular. I'm not saying that it's good or bad for you to feel this way; I'm just making the observation.

 

I've never had kids, so I've never lost any, obviously; and I can't say that I know what that feels like. But I wouldn't think that it would make someone do some of these things he's doing. Listening to music while spending time alone is more something you do when it's related to romantic loss, I think. He still has his kids in his life. They aren't physically there, but I'm assuming that he's still able to communicate with them whenever he wishes, or at least on a regular basis. So I just don't think it would cause him to go on solitary boat rides, or record himself listening to music alone, or post song lyrics. I think all those things would be more about you. I also don't think that any of those things would suggest he's with someone new. If he was, then he would be with them, rather than listening to music and taking boat rides alone.

 

It's been a month. I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but I've read that men (and especially avoidant men) take longer to miss someone. In the beginning, pride and ego and anger and frustration blocks and overrides any feelings of missing someone. Then as time goes on, reality sets in. Maybe he's just now starting to come to terms with it all.

 

I know this is SO hard, but let's just see what happens. We still have a couple of weeks before the time period he reached out last time, right? If a whole two months pass and still no word, I may begin to start to feel more like this could be final, or that it may take him a really long time (like 3 months or 6 months) to reach out. I'm definitely not telling you to wait on him. Not at all. Waiting around is the worst feeling in the world, and keeps you stuck in one place. Keep doing exactly what you're doing. I'm just saying, there is still some time left during which he may reach out. I don't feel that all hope is lost.

 

As for you, so these past few days he still has not been active on Facebook? I would be thinking that he is busy with someone, but that doesn't have to be the case at all. Sometimes life gets hectic, work..you can't be sure.

That's what it feels like when he's not on facebook - like he's busy with someone. But his patterns have always been very odd. In the past, he would flip-flop between being on a ton, to not all, with seemingly no reason. I never could figure it out.

 

I feel like if he was spending time with someone, pictures would surface.

The only problem is that everyone's page is private. His is completely private, other than friend's list and a few other things. New girl's wall must be private, because I never see any random posts. Married woman made her wall private again a while back. His ex might keep any posts that she tags him in on a privacy setting where I can't see, because she knows it would bother me. He's also not the type to shout his relationships to the world. He's very secretive, probably because he always wants other options to be open. So I'm not sure if there are things I'm not seeing, or if there just really isn't anything to be seen.

 

For example, I am just like you, I still think he might be running around with this married woman, but as time goes on it doesn't look like the case at all. I still think just maybe they will start to see eachother, but I found another photo she was tagged in last Sunday at a festival in Tampa..she was in a photo with a different male friend.

It feels so relieving to see this, doesn't it?!? A kind of proof that they're not together. I hate to say it, but that's one good thing about looking (not that I'm encouraging you to do so). If you weren't seeing signs that the married woman was involved with these other men, I bet you would be feeling pretty positive that she and he had something going. At least you get some relief from worrying about that.

 

My point is, if they were starting something, she would be visiting him on the weekends or he would visit her. Clues of it eventually surfaces. That is what I'm saying about your situation. You would see signs of something.

You are right, and I have seen no clues other than the few things I've named here from a few weeks ago. Anything else (feeling like new girl is online when he's at work) is a stretch and could be coincidence. So you're very right about this, thank you for reminding me. Yes, everyone's page is private like I said, but something would still probably eventually be somewhere that I could see it.

 

The problem with all of this is you are hurt that it is still not provoking him to contact you correct?. You feel the obstacles are too high for him to try.

Yes, EXACTLY. That's exactly it. I see all these other women as obstacles to him reaching out. He has them, in whatever capacity, so what does he need me for? If he didn't have so many options, then he might have had time to reflect at some point and miss what we had, and he may have reached out. But there's all of them, and there's the distance between us living so far apart now.

 

I am feeling the same way about my situation, but your situation differs from mine because of one significant thing. Yours tried numerous times to save your relationship. If the thought even enters his mind to contact you, because it isnt hard to find you, I think he would quickly shut it down. "I tried so many times, she doesn't want me, she hates me, she moved on, she has no feelings for me, if she changed her mind she would have contacted me." In my situation, I would be out of my mind to contact him after he made it clear that he didn't want the relationship, but if he had tried and I repeatedly rejected, eventually he would step back and hope that I would look for him when I was ready. Yours even gave you a little break and then popped back up again only to be rejected. I completely understand why he hasn't tried again. And I'm not saying you were wrong at all. If I saw signs that another woman was in the picture, I would have told him to go eff off. He can go sort himself out because I dont want anything to do with that. I absolutely think you did the right thing. I'm not suggesting you to contact him, but everything I explained above is the reason why I've always asked if you've ever considered making contact.

Thank you for reminding me of this again; it does make good sense. He would have no reason to think anything other than what you've said here.

 

Do you think they expect that we would reach out when we're ready? It seems so obvious to you and I that we will never do so. We never have, and we never will. The ball is in their court, for very good reasons. But do you think they know that? I do wonder sometimes. Yours could be thinking all the same things you say mine might be thinking, minus the trying so many times. He may be giving you space to reach out when you're ready. He may see things completely differently than you do. People have a tendency to alter their memories and rewrite even recent history, strangely enough. Like with my situation, I keep overlooking the fact that he did try to call all those times. I dismiss it as if it didn't mean anything and didn't matter. Yours may be feeling like you were the one who didn't want to be together, for all we know. I hope it makes sense what I'm saying. This is something new that's just now occurring to me, and as I'm thinking about it, it just makes sense. Sometimes it becomes unclear who broke up with who. You said in one of your above posts: "This is the 3rd time he has walked away from me." But technically, you walked away from him the second time. With good reason, yes, but still. My point is that when you said that, you were kind of rewriting history yourself, because you (rightfully) feel like he's the one who abandoned you each time. I'll stop there before I get carried away with possibilities of what he might be thinking, but it's definitely food for thought. And back to my original question... I do wonder if they are thinking as we are, that we would reach out if we cared. And if they're ever waiting for us to do so.

 

I'm feeling agitated because I've only seen him get on once or twice today, and no more. He's probably working night shift and has the whole day off, so I just don't know what he could be doing. It's ridiculous that I still wonder after all this time, but oh well, it is what it is.

[lostlove76]

You said one key thing that made a lot of sense...honeymoon stage. When people are in a honeymoon stage they are in a euphoric state. Everything in the world is beautiful. They like and post inspirational quotes and you can just sense they are happy. They want the whole world to know about the love they have. God is wish I was at such a place in my life...

I didn't think the heart like a few weeks ago meant she was a love interest. I think you're just like me..we think the worst when it's not even close. I don't think him and this woman are involved like that. Find a little comfort in that for now because I know your mood has been off lately because you've been thinking about him a lot.

 

My mood has been off, you're right. Just as you always say I understand you, you understand me just as well

 

What you're saying about the euphoric state makes perfect sense. I haven't seen her liking any of those things that you describe. It's more neutral stuff, lots of dog pictures, and on the rare occasion, something like today about relationships not being a mistake because they teach you lessons. Another one she liked recently was something like "All I want is someone who won't give up on me," or something of that nature.

 

Your post made me feel better, thank you

[Ksol9]

I went for a drive to try to clear my head (it didn't work). When I got back, I got in the shower and I'm just getting settled in bed with my laptop. I'm going to post this and then respond to your post.

[Ksol9]

I really think you're most likely correct about why he's doing all these things - he's sad and lonely and reflecting on loss. Although, I do feel you diminishing your possible importance in it all - instead of feeling like he's missing you, you think he's just sad about the kids. You do acknowledge that maybe he is reflecting on losses such as the end of your relationship and the end of the life you all had together, but just the way you say it, I feel like you're lumping it all in together and you don't really believe that he cares much that he's lost you in particular. I'm not saying that it's good or bad for you to feel this way; I'm just making the observation.

 

I've never had kids, so I've never lost any, obviously; and I can't say that I know what that feels like. But I wouldn't think that it would make someone do some of these things he's doing. Listening to music while spending time alone is more something you do when it's related to romantic loss, I think. He still has his kids in his life. They aren't physically there, but I'm assuming that he's still able to communicate with them whenever he wishes, or at least on a regular basis. So I just don't think it would cause him to go on solitary boat rides, or record himself listening to music alone, or post song lyrics. I think all those things would be more about you. I also don't think that any of those things would suggest he's with someone new. If he was, then he would be with them, rather than listening to music and taking boat rides alone.

 

It's been a month. I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but I've read that men (and especially avoidant men) take longer to miss someone. In the beginning, pride and ego and anger and frustration blocks and overrides any feelings of missing someone. Then as time goes on, reality sets in. Maybe he's just now starting to come to terms with it all.

 

I know this is SO hard, but let's just see what happens. We still have a couple of weeks before the time period he reached out last time, right? If a whole two months pass and still no word, I may begin to start to feel more like this could be final, or that it may take him a really long time (like 3 months or 6 months) to reach out. I'm definitely not telling you to wait on him. Not at all. Waiting around is the worst feeling in the world, and keeps you stuck in one place. Keep doing exactly what you're doing. I'm just saying, there is still some time left during which he may reach out. I don't feel that all hope is lost.

 

I actually didn't think about this and as I was reading what you wrote I realized I do downplay his feelings for me alot. I think this way because of the way he treated me. I came to the conclusion that all these other things like work and children were the only things important to him. I feel like our relationship has no meaning to him, like it didn't really matter, but you are right....his children are not gone forever or somewhere he can't speak to them. I'm sure he talks to them very often. They both have cells phones and if they're unable to be reached on their phones, I'm sure he can call their mother. With that being said, I'm sure there is sadness that he can't see them often and though he is no longer raising them, I don't think he'd be listening to r&b music because of his children alone. I'm literally laughing while I am typing because you've put things into perspective for me..once again. I didn't even stop to think about it that way. I'm sure he is very sad that the life that we all shared together as a family is over with. I feel the same. You also said that he wouldn't be recording music at home alone and would be with the person if he had met someone new (I'm laughing again). I feel really silly that I didn't consider that. Goes to show you how strong my emotions are. They completely overpower any logical thinking.

 

Its crazy how anger, fear, and frustration can override any feelings of missing someone. What you said about it taking them longer to miss someone reminded me about what I read in the Dr. Weil book. She says it generally takes them 6-8 weeks to go into their emptiness...much longer if they are seeing someone new. Meaning it will take around that time frame to really begin to miss you. All those feelings of anger wore off very early on for me. Of course men are much more different and he has been known to take a very long while to muster the courage to step forward. I still hope he is reconsidering, but for the most part I feel hope is gone. I feel like too much time has passed and if he wanted to speak to me about what happened, he would have made contact by now. You're so right..this is very hard, but I have to just wait to see what happens. I can't wait for him and I know I have to continue working on myself, but I have to let this happen the way its supposed to happen on its own.

 

The only problem is that everyone's page is private. His is completely private, other than friend's list and a few other things. New girl's wall must be private, because I never see any random posts. Married woman made her wall private again a while back. His ex might keep any posts that she tags him in on a privacy setting where I can't see, because she knows it would bother me. He's also not the type to shout his relationships to the world. He's very secretive, probably because he always wants other options to be open. So I'm not sure if there are things I'm not seeing, or if there just really isn't anything to be seen.

 

You may have done this already, but from your laptop, if you do a search of posts tagged with (the person's name), it will bring up any post or photos that person is tagged in. The public ones that is. Rather than looking through friend's list and visiting those pages. That is how I saw the married woman tagged in those photos with other men. Of course, like you said, you may not have seen anything because whoever does the tagging has their audience set to private. I just feel that if he was in any kind of relationship with any of these women that you are worried about, something would come up somewhere. I know all of this is unhealthy, but we will do it anyway. I just try to remind myself that if I see myself giving up on all the other things I am working on in my life, then i will surely need to reconsider viewing facebook activity.

 

Yes, EXACTLY. That's exactly it. I see all these other women as obstacles to him reaching out. He has them, in whatever capacity, so what does he need me for? If he didn't have so many options, then he might have had time to reflect at some point and miss what we had, and he may have reached out. But there's all of them, and there's the distance between us living so far apart now.

 

I think the first thing that comes to mind when it comes to obstacles is your distance and him knowing that it was an issue for you within your relationship. He knows you're not willing to wait, he's got to make moves toward commitment if he wants to be with you and maybe as you've said all this time, moving toward commitment is very difficult for him. I don't think it's a matter of options in other women. We often say, when you really want something, you make it happen. That's not always how things work. There could be plenty of other factors that interfere or make it difficult. I really think the biggest reason, above all else, is that he knows you're not settling for anything less that what you think you deserve. He knows you're not putting up with any games as you've put him in his place already. He just may not have known how to accomplish that after you shut him out permanently.

 

Do you think they expect that we would reach out when we're ready? It seems so obvious to you and I that we will never do so. We never have, and we never will. The ball is in their court, for very good reasons. But do you think they know that? I do wonder sometimes. Yours could be thinking all the same things you say mine might be thinking, minus the trying so many times. He may be giving you space to reach out when you're ready. He may see things completely differently than you do. People have a tendency to alter their memories and rewrite even recent history, strangely enough. Like with my situation, I keep overlooking the fact that he did try to call all those times. I dismiss it as if it didn't mean anything and didn't matter. Yours may be feeling like you were the one who didn't want to be together, for all we know. I hope it makes sense what I'm saying. This is something new that's just now occurring to me, and as I'm thinking about it, it just makes sense. Sometimes it becomes unclear who broke up with who. You said in one of your above posts: "This is the 3rd time he has walked away from me." But technically, you walked away from him the second time. With good reason, yes, but still. My point is that when you said that, you were kind of rewriting history yourself, because you (rightfully) feel like he's the one who abandoned you each time. I'll stop there before I get carried away with possibilities of what he might be thinking, but it's definitely food for thought. And back to my original question... I do wonder if they are thinking as we are, that we would reach out if we cared. And if they're ever waiting for us to do so.

 

I'm feeling agitated because I've only seen him get on once or twice today, and no more. He's probably working night shift and has the whole day off, so I just don't know what he could be doing. It's ridiculous that I still wonder after all this time, but oh well, it is what it is.

 

You made a very valid point here. In my situation, his view could very well be that I am the one who didn't want to be in the relationship. I did tell him the day before the breakup that I felt numb and that we don't have a connection anymore. I did send that text saying I loved him and if this was what he wanted I would let it go, but as soon as I saw him add the married woman, I reneged and I screamed and shouted that I never wanted to see or hear from him again. He could think I still feel this way and that all my feelings for him are gone. I still feel that if he wanted the relationship, he would at least try. Yours tried..many times. I could totally see why he would stop altogether. So to answer your question...yes, I do believe that they expect us to reach out when we're ready or at least give them some clue. We have both given them zilch. Wow..just writing about it..it's such a tough position to be in.. I still think you are doing the right thing though lostlove. It's too risky emotionally. If you were strong enough to handle any outcome then I would advise it, but you have to do what's in your heart..what's best for YOU.

 

You convey your thoughts very well. I'm not so sure I'm even making sense.

[lostlove76]

You do make make sense, completely and always. I'm sorry to hear that the drive didn't help. Getting settled in bed early sounds nice and cozy, though, and I hope you're able to get some sleep. You've now made it halfway through another weekend. I forgot to comment earlier on your sister's baby shower. I can understand how that would bring a mixed bag of happiness and sadness, but hopefully you can enjoy it and place your troubles aside for a little while. Not just for anyone else's sake, but for your own, because you deserve to enjoy this special occasion. I know it's hard to let the other go and just be in the present moment, though.

 

I actually didn't think about this and as I was reading what you wrote I realized I do downplay his feelings for me alot. I think this way because of the way he treated me. I came to the conclusion that all these other things like work and children were the only things important to him. I feel like our relationship has no meaning to him, like it didn't really matter, but you are right....his children are not gone forever or somewhere he can't speak to them. I'm sure he talks to them very often. They both have cells phones and if they're unable to be reached on their phones, I'm sure he can call their mother. With that being said, I'm sure there is sadness that he can't see them often and though he is no longer raising them, I don't think he'd be listening to r&b music because of his children alone. I'm literally laughing while I am typing because you've put things into perspective for me..once again. I didn't even stop to think about it that way. I'm sure he is very sad that the life that we all shared together as a family is over with. I feel the same. You also said that he wouldn't be recording music at home alone and would be with the person if he had met someone new (I'm laughing again). I feel really silly that I didn't consider that. Goes to show you how strong my emotions are. They completely overpower any logical thinking.

I'm glad you can at least step back and see the other perspective, even if only for a moment, and even if it takes being reminded of it. You're so right that emotions override logic. I can also understand downplaying his feelings because of how he treated you, and honestly, I think that's quite normal to some extent. If someone acts in less-than-loving ways towards you, of course you're going to question their level of care. Just try to remember that action really doesn't always equate to feelings. You have proof of that if you look at your own actions vs. feelings towards him. We always hurt the ones we love, the ones we are closest to.

 

Its crazy how anger, fear, and frustration can override any feelings of missing someone. What you said about it taking them longer to miss someone reminded me about what I read in the Dr. Weil book. She says it generally takes them 6-8 weeks to go into their emptiness...much longer if they are seeing someone new. Meaning it will take around that time frame to really begin to miss you. All those feelings of anger wore off very early on for me. Of course men are much more different and he has been known to take a very long while to muster the courage to step forward. I still hope he is reconsidering, but for the most part I feel hope is gone. I feel like too much time has passed and if he wanted to speak to me about what happened, he would have made contact by now. You're so right..this is very hard, but I have to just wait to see what happens. I can't wait for him and I know I have to continue working on myself, but I have to let this happen the way its supposed to happen on its own.

I really need to remember to buy another copy of that book at some point, just to have on hand. It seems to be an invaluable resource. So she says 6-8 weeks for them to go into their emptiness; that would match up pretty precisely with when he's contacted you the previous two times.

 

You may have done this already, but from your laptop, if you do a search of posts tagged with (the person's name), it will bring up any post or photos that person is tagged in. The public ones that is. Rather than looking through friend's list and visiting those pages. That is how I saw the married woman tagged in those photos with other men. Of course, like you said, you may not have seen anything because whoever does the tagging has their audience set to private. I just feel that if he was in any kind of relationship with any of these women that you are worried about, something would come up somewhere. I know all of this is unhealthy, but we will do it anyway. I just try to remind myself that if I see myself giving up on all the other things I am working on in my life, then i will surely need to reconsider viewing facebook activity.

I think I've covered all my bases with all the search tricks, but I did that one again just in case I've missed it along the way (I think I was just doing photos tagged and not posts tagged). I did it for him, and for new girl, and thankfully nothing new came up. He got online briefly a couple hours ago, so I feel like he was most likely alone tonight. Pretty sure he works at midnight. You're right, it's unhealthy to search and look, but we're going to do it anyway. It doesn't affect me now nearly as much as it did in the beginning, when I knew he was with the married woman. That was a nightmare, and yet I still did it. So far, thankfully, you haven't seen anything devastating. If you ever do, then it might be time to reconsider, but for now I don't see if causing any great harm. You're going to be feeling sad either way. Any time you want to make efforts to stop, you'll have my full support though.

 

I think the first thing that comes to mind when it comes to obstacles is your distance and him knowing that it was an issue for you within your relationship. He knows you're not willing to wait, he's got to make moves toward commitment if he wants to be with you and maybe as you've said all this time, moving toward commitment is very difficult for him. I don't think it's a matter of options in other women. We often say, when you really want something, you make it happen. That's not always how things work. There could be plenty of other factors that interfere or make it difficult. I really think the biggest reason, above all else, is that he knows you're not settling for anything less that what you think you deserve. He knows you're not putting up with any games as you've put him in his place already. He just may not have known how to accomplish that after you shut him out permanently.

You're probably right. He knows that I expect full commitment, or at least foward movement, and he's unprepared to offer that for whatever reason. He knows that I won't be with him, or even talk to him, if there is no plan for me to move there. He knows I will never just be his "friend," like this ex he calls on a few times a year. I made it abundantly clear that I wasn't going to accept anything less than everything. I was very patient with him and gave him a lot of leeway, but eventually I got fed up with all the false promises and just couldn't do it anymore. I was hoping that would kick him into gear, but instead, he let the trashy married woman move in with him. I'm not sure how I could ever forgive him for that even if he did come back. It really sucks that he has all these issues, whether they're genuine emotional issues or just a result of him being a selfish a$$hole. Things were so perfect between us in so many ways, and yet it doesn't really matter, because he just wouldn't commit and do the things that normal boyfriends do. Everything was a struggle, for no good reason at all. It really makes me angry, but there's no point in being angry any longer. What's done is done.

 

You made a very valid point here. In my situation, his view could very well be that I am the one who didn't want to be in the relationship. I did tell him the day before the breakup that I felt numb and that we don't have a connection anymore. I did send that text saying I loved him and if this was what he wanted I would let it go, but as soon as I saw him add the married woman, I reneged and I screamed and shouted that I never wanted to see or hear from him again. He could think I still feel this way and that all my feelings for him are gone.

That's what I was thinking. He may very well have taken your words and actions to mean that you didn't want to be with him. That's why I say it could be unclear about who broke up with who. If I really think back on it, it feels to me almost like you both did the breaking up. Your text to him that said something like "If you want me to pack my things, I have no problem doing so" could be taken as a breakup. I can't remember the exact wording, I'm sorry, but I think that was the gist of it. It's like an action on your part led to some words on his part, which led to more words on your part, which led to action on his part, etc, and everything just quickly snowballed out of anger and frustration into a breakup.

 

I still feel that if he wanted the relationship, he would at least try. Yours tried..many times. I could totally see why he would stop altogether.

We still don't know what that one phone call was about shortly after the breakup with yours. He may have been trying then. People have different lengths they will go to until they'll stop if they're getting rejected. Mine did continue to try, and I'm grateful for that, at least. Still, it wasn't enough for me. I remember thinking, if he REALLY wants to try, he can TEXT me what he's thinking since I won't answer the phone. Which is stupid, because how would he know. Yours may have called that one time to talk, and when you didn't answer or call him back, he assumed you wanted nothing more to do with him. I know there was a time in the past when I myself would have tried and tried, like those two months after our first breakup when he was ignoring me. Later on, I would try once sometimes and that was it. Now, I wouldn't try if a gun was held to my head. I simply will not risk rejection, period (among other reasons). Your guy may just really not want to face further rejection. Honestly, that's probably a huge part of why you're not hearing from him.

 

So to answer your question...yes, I do believe that they expect us to reach out when we're ready or at least give them some clue. We have both given them zilch. Wow..just writing about it..it's such a tough position to be in.. I still think you are doing the right thing though lostlove. It's too risky emotionally. If you were strong enough to handle any outcome then I would advise it, but you have to do what's in your heart..what's best for YOU.

Likewise, I feel you're doing the best thing for yourself also. I don't believe you could handle any outcome, just as I couldn't, and it's not worth the risk when you're already so down. If that ever changes, and you feel that reaching out would be beneficial, then you'll know. You won't have to catch yourself, you'll just do it knowing that whatever happens, you'll be at peace. You're nowhere near that stage, and neither am I. It would be interesting, though, if either of them are wondering why they haven't heard from us. What must they tell themselves about that, ya know? Maybe the same things you and I tell ourselves.

 

He just got online, btw, at 15 minutes after midnight. So he's definitely working overnight shift. I got on, saw him there, and got right back off so that he won't see me lurking.

 

I tried to keep this short, but obviously didn't succeed! Please don't worry about not being able to reply to everything. As long as my writing doesn't overwhelm you, then I don't mind if you read it without replying. I really love hearing your thoughts, but completely understand that there are times when you just don't have the energy. That happened to me a lot on my thread. There were several chunks of posts that I left unreplied to because I just couldn't.

 

Will you be watching the Super Bowl tomorrow? I've never watched one, but I may watch this one just for the heck of it. I have to work tomorrow, but I'll check in here before I leave. I do hope you're getting some sleep, or if not sleep, at least some relaxation. As always, I'll be up late if you want to write more, but otherwise will catch you tomorrow. Goodnight.

[Nina95]

Hi Ksol, just checking in, i am also still following your thread and posts. No particular advice either from my end this time. I can recognize you are going through the motions, i truly feel for you right now, it is painful, it can even turn into physical pain, the anxiety, the tightness in your chest, shortness of breath. Quite horrible. I hope you have a better day tomorrow and feel better soon. Hugs

[Ksol9]

Hi Ksol, just checking in, i am also still following your thread and posts. No particular advice either from my end this time. I can recognize you are going through the motions, i truly feel for you right now, it is painful, it can even turn into physical pain, the anxiety, the tightness in your chest, shortness of breath. Quite horrible. I hope you have a better day tomorrow and feel better soon. Hugs

 

Thank you LoveNC. Thank you so much. It feels really good to know that you all are still here reading and supporting me along the way. Thank you for checking in. I'm hanging in there. Some days are better than others. Just going through the motions as you said. Hope you are well.

[Ksol9]

Hey lostlove, I fall asleep but only sleep for a short while. I keep getting up. The past couple days, I haven't been sleeping well at all. Luckily tomorrow I don't have to go anywhere. I took some pm medication and even that isn't working.

 

I read your post but would like to respond in detail when I get on my laptop. Right now I'm on my cell. I was thinking about what you said earlier and how maybe they might hope that we try to contact or give some sort of cue, but for me I think he made the ultimate decision to end things and he was wrong for that. He knew tensions were building more and more those last few days, yet he didn't do anything. He knew I was really upset, whether I was wrong in the way I was behaving or not, yet he continued to allow things to escalate. He knew this was a critical time, and I did also, with the children leaving. I still feel if he really and truly cared about me, he would have made exceptions regardless. Somehow figured out a way to hold things over until the children were gone. Instead he brushed off communicating with me completely. I made numerous attempts to talk to him. I called him outside, we sent text messages. He wanted me to drop it and I pressed on. I know I was wrong, but so was he. Whoever initiated this breakup, he finalized it. He needs to be the one to initiate the reconciliation and I think he knows that. He knows I won't contact him even if that's what he's hoping for. Maybe you're right, it is only now that I am seeing some clear signs that he is experiencing some sort of emotion. I won't be so silly to think those posts with the lyrics and songs meant nothing. That definitely means he's going through something. I remember when we broke up the first time. My Facebook was deactivated. I was in such turmoil that I would reactivate it at 3 sometime 4 in the morning, post a status crying out to him but make it visible to only me. I can't even give you a reason for that. I just wanted to reach out to him some way some how. Even if I knew he wouldn't see it. Love can really make you do some strange things.

 

As I was reading your post I thought of something. When your guy was with the married woman, how were his Facebook habits at that time? While she was staying with him, did he go on frequently or hardly at all? Also, I know you are very hurt that he allowed her to move in so quickly, but was unable to make preparations for your move to be with him, but I don't see it the way you do. I understand why you feel the way you do, but I believe her moving in was completely unplanned. She was just a lost soul and the circumstances were just convenient at the time. He obviously didn't want her there and that is why there was so much back and forth. It was forced. Just a mess of a situation. I don't even call that a relationship, so in that regard, I don't think you should be angry with him for that. I think your source of anger is the simple fact that he gave up and moved on by seeing these other women. You feel that if he truly loved you, he wouldn't be able to have feelings for anyone else. But what if there was no other choice and his only choice, in his mind, was to move on and find someone new. You and I ruminate a lot and you always tell me that I don't know what my guy is thinking, I can say the same for you. We don't know what he is going through.

 

In terms of hope, my hope is he will turn this around, but I fear he is fighting any urges because he wants to move on with his life. My hope is that he will reach out, but each week that passes I fear more and more. I'm so hurt that he walked away so easily, but I shouldn't be surprised. I'm very much in love with him and I know I'll continue to love him for a long time. My work is not to try to fall out of love. My work is about loving myself more and more each day. He's just missing from my life. I lay here in sadness every night. I just miss him so much lostlove. I can't believe sometimes how cold he has been. It's not like either one of us did something so terrible to the other. we treated eachother so terribly those last few days and I fear there is no coming back from that. I am just a more forgiving person I guess and like you said, I learned my lesson from the first time we broke up, I'll never put myself in a position for him to hurt me by rejecting me should I reach out to him. I just can't find it in myself to do. There are plenty of times that I contemplate, but I know I couldn't. I'm just really unhappy and I struggle everyday.

 

I don't have any plans for Super Bowl. I normally watch it, but this year I won't have anyone to watch it with. I'm normally with him. Wanting to sleep through the entire day. It's funny you said I made it through half of the weekend because I was saying the same thing to myself when I was writing you earlier. The weekends are the worst for me. I think I always fear what he's doing and who's he's with. It's seems like he's been alone a lot. My hope is that he is taking this time to sort out whatever he needs to sort out and hopefully we will find our way back to eachother. I know it's wishful thinking, but god knows I just want my relationship back. I'm not perfect and I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I feel terrible for the way I treated him at times. I just wish we make it through this one. It just seems so impossible right now.

 

Have a great night.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I just read your post. I really want to reply to some things, but I'm laying down and it's hard to type much, so I'll do that tomorrow. I haven't fallen asleep yet, and don't know if I'll be able to or not, but I hope I do because I have to work tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm just reading stories here on ENA. You may have already read this one, but in case you haven't, I wanted to share it with you There's a lot compassion and great advice sprinkled throughout the responses, but mainly I wanted you to read it because it shows the mind of a guy who went completely NC immediately upon the breakup 2 years ago. The circumstances of the breakup are completely different, but it still goes to show how someone can remain completely silent and yet wish they could reach out. It's just a couple pages long, so try to give it a read if you get the chance.

 

I guess I'll read a bit more and then hope to drift off to sleep. I hope that you're able to get some more hours in. I'll reply to your post tomorrow. Have a good night, talk soon

[Ksol9]

Hey there, thank you for the link. I just read it. Interesting to see how he still had such deep feelings for her after so much time and as you pointed out, he went silent immediately afterwards but wanted to talk to her.

 

During my last visit with my therapist, we were talking about my guy and he was explaining that he probably thinks about me just like I think about him. Somehow the conversation lead to me asking about men and their emotions during a breakup up. He explained that everyone is different and experiences emotions on different levels, but men just know how to hide it. Some men are more openly emotional than others and don't have a problem expressing their feelings. My guy doesn't express his feelings. Whatever he is feeling is suppressed. I know he doesn't talk to anyone about our relationship. If there is anyone he spoke to, it was his boss. They're great friends outside of work. Silence truly does cut more than words. At least with words, you have answers. Or at least get somewhere close. Silence is dark, it's blinding, it's deafening, its brutal. It hurts.

 

As you said, when someone is silent, it doesn't mean they don't care. I tend to forget that I've been completely silent. You've been completely silent. That doesn't mean we don't care or dislike them. They can absolutely conclude that, but it's far from the truth. I honestly believe that my guy knows he hurt me and I also think he knows how much I love him. We're supposed to be there for eachother. We're supposed to take care of one another. He gave up on me.

 

It's after 5am and I can't sleep. I keep crying off and on for the past couple hours. Jeeze now is not the time for this. Lol

Sleep well lostlove. Have a great day at work and we will chat later. Goodnight.