Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[UnchainedSoul]

I wanted to share something that I spoke quite a bit about during therapy. My therapist validated that I was right in my thinking. He kept saying that I know what the right thing to do and that I answered my own question as I was explaining everything to him.

 

I am not sure if I've mentioned this here before on the board, but I have an ex boyfriend who has been in my life ever since I was hmm...maybe 18. After our relationship ended, we remained very close friends. He continued to be one of my closest confidants through every relationship I've had after him. He is my emotional crutch. Even throughout this last relationship, my guy never knew I would talk to him. I felt tremendous guilt over this. Almost like I was cheating or being deceitful. Here I was being jealous and insecure when I had a close male friend who I confided in him my deepest relationship troubles. I would not have been ok if the situation was reversed. It just always made me feel horrible. I'm sure there will be an array of opinions about this.

 

Anyhow, I recently felt deep down inside that this friendship is not healthy for me at all. I pretty depend on him emotionally. It is ok to have him as a friend, but I should be able to depend on myself first. I can't do that with him being so emotionally invested. It's just not right and I have been trying to distance myself from him. We haven't spoken in a few days other than a couple "how are you..just checking on you" text messages. I'm sure he will respect my need to do this on my own. I want to have a healthy relationship and I can't have that unless I am healthy. This is a serious co dependent red flag and so I am going to end this friendship with him. I don't have to never speak to him ever again, but I do need to filter the type of conversation I have with him. That's all. My therapist fully agreed.

 

The therapist made me laugh because he asked me to sit still, that he would be right back. He walked back in the room with a plastic storage container and he said, this box contains all of my ex's..they're just friends to me now but imagine me walking up to someone I want to date seriously with this container of exs in tow? I understood right there and then where I went wrong. I was dishonest for one, because I hid it from him for 2 years, and second of all..I have no right dragging my ex along like this. Regardless that we are just friends...it's not fair to anyone involved. I also believe that relationship is another reason my friend hasn't been able to really move on with his life. All these years and he hasn't had another serious relationship. We have a very light and open friendship, but he will often tell me I was the only love of his life. It was only recently that I sat down and thought that he may be unhappy and I think our friendship is contributing to that. I need to move forward in my life and so does he.

 

I typing, but I'm also processing everything that was spoken about during therapy.

 

I get so much out of every time I go to therapy. Just even this decision about this friendship, I think will have a huge impact...a good impact. I have a lot of work to do on myself and I know I'm making all the right steps to living my life the way I want to live, the way that it will bring me happiness. I just want to be a good person and do the right thing.

 

I am in that kind of co-dependent relationship of my own. My best friend that I speak about, well he is like this best friend of yours. Except I have never been in a relationship (that counted because they were all online) with anyone since him and vice versa for him and I always envision us getting back together in the future. This type of thinking is unhealthy and very co-dependent and will stop me from eventually finding someone in the future. The good news is my best friend has expressed to me openly that he doesn't want anyone else and I am the only woman for him. The only problem in our relationship is the sex just isn't there and that has a lot to do with my intimacy issues. Am I ready to date again? Hell no!

 

I understand I am not getting any younger either, so the window is closing fast. But do I want to bring a man into my life with so much baggage? That would be Hell No times 2. Or better yet times 10. So you see I have a lot to work on as well when it comes to relationships. But the good news is you were able to recognize the relationship with your best friend as toxic for him AND you. You know what's funny though? The fact that you had to hide it. My best friend, knows all about my relationships after him (as short lived as they were), and I MADE it a point to tell all of the guys that I was dating about my best friend. They KNEW about him from the get go and if they weren't comfortable with it, they would get the boot. Never be afraid to voice your opinion either. My best friend has another woman he is close with but I have no problem with that. You mentioned that you would have a problem with a guy you were dating if they had an "emotional crutch" like you had. Understandable. You have identified it.

 

I am so, so proud of you. I think you are right though. If your best friend says you were the love of his life, he is holding on to hope where you obviously have moved on. That's not fair to him at all, and I feel really bad for the guy. You know what you have to do. Be strong. You are making the right steps in your "recovery" because that's exactly what this is.

[UnchainedSoul]

Yes, yes, and yes. Everything you said is spot on, but I bolded the parts that stood out the most. I definitely walk out of his office with a sense of direction. It's just getting through the week that is challenging. I have strong moments and some very weak. I think I have things in order in my mind, but my heart still hurts very much for him. I miss him so very much. I miss the children. I just feel like someone just robbed me everything. I keep reminding myself that they are not my children and they don't need me. They need their mother and father....they're going to be ok. As for him, you're absolutely right that we as women depend on men to a certain extent. I need to find balance in that because not a single man will bring me happiness. There's a whole other half to that. Yes, he may think of me, but he isn't showing it at all. He is trying to move on with his life, as he should be, we both should. I do believe his pride is and will be the reason things stay the way they are now.

 

This is a process and I feel myself inching in the right direction. It's hard, it really is.

 

You are right in your feelings. You said in a post earlier in this thread, you were not only robbed of one person you were robbed of three, I know it's hard, but you're making positive changes that is going to help you in the long run and hopefully in the NEXT relationship. Always think there will be a future, because I firmly believe there will be. Getting through the week IS hard, especially when you only meet once a week. I know people who constantly email their therapist in between sessions. Is that even an option for you? Just wondering, that's all, because it may be something to consider when you're at your lowest points.

 

As far as weak and strong moments? We all have them. Last week I was unable to get out of my bed for no more than an hour, much less do anything with my life. I felt directionless, helpless, hopeless, i thought to myself I was of no use to anyone. We go through that, it's just what we deal with as human beings.

 

"I don't think this is a matter of pride, ego, fear or anything like that. This is life I tell you....." That's what you said in one of your other posts. Even in your despair you have moments of clarity. What you said there rang true to me in my head because it is the truth. This life isn't easy, and if we didn't feel pain there would be no room for intense joy and pleasure. We can't live without the pain. How could you know what happiness is if you didn't feel the intense pain first? So you see, it's the trials we face in this life. And you are inching in the right direction.

[Ksol9]

Good morning. How did you sleep, ksol? I'm up early to take care of the animals, but I'm going to have to go home and try to get some more sleep. I got about two hours because the puppy kept barking, and I forgot my Benadryl. Just couldn't sleep. I'm so irritable!

 

I noticed he got on again for a few minutes in the middle of the night, coinciding with when the bars close, at the same time he used to always call me. So he must have been alone, but that doesn't mean he isn't seeing her. So weird that he was on so much yesterday. I shouldn't even be trying to figure out why, but I can't help but be curious.

 

I hope you're feeling better today, ksol.

 

Hey lostlove, how are you feeling? Were you able to get some more rest? I'm feeling really terrible again. It's just coming and going in waves.

 

I took a look at IG a little while ago and I noticed he posted a video of himself on a boat alone. He's out on the water smoking a cigarette, drinking a beer, and blasting Easton Corbin - Roll With It.

If I wasn't crying enough before, it made me cry even more. It's unlike him to be coasting the water alone. Seems like he's enjoying his life. Here I am crying over him and struggling to get my life on track.

[Ksol9]

You are right in your feelings. You said in a post earlier in this thread, you were not only robbed of one person you were robbed of three, I know it's hard, but you're making positive changes that is going to help you in the long run and hopefully in the NEXT relationship. Always think there will be a future, because I firmly believe there will be. Getting through the week IS hard, especially when you only meet once a week. I know people who constantly email their therapist in between sessions. Is that even an option for you? Just wondering, that's all, because it may be something to consider when you're at your lowest points.

 

As far as weak and strong moments? We all have them. Last week I was unable to get out of my bed for no more than an hour, much less do anything with my life. I felt directionless, helpless, hopeless, i thought to myself I was of no use to anyone. We go through that, it's just what we deal with as human beings.

 

"I don't think this is a matter of pride, ego, fear or anything like that. This is life I tell you....." That's what you said in one of your other posts. Even in your despair you have moments of clarity. What you said there rang true to me in my head because it is the truth. This life isn't easy, and if we didn't feel pain there would be no room for intense joy and pleasure. We can't live without the pain. How could you know what happiness is if you didn't feel the intense pain first? So you see, it's the trials we face in this life. And you are inching in the right direction.

 

Thank you for saying this. I really do hope that all my positive efforts are going to pay off in the long run. All of this pain, tugging, and pulling that I've been doing with myself has to be for something. I know all this soul searching that I'm doing is going to pay off. As for my therapist, I don't want to depend on him too much. As difficult as it is to get through the week, I know i need to push myself on focusing on positive. I need to get myself moving with all the things I said I wanted to get started on.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you were feeling so terrible that you didn't want to get out of bed. Nothing matters in moments like that. I'm just really sorry. You give me so much strength that it saddens me to think there are moments you can''t find it, but I truly believe what you said about knowing pain is knowing happiness. One can't survive without the other. It's apart of life I guess.

 

I'm feeling like a confused mess. I wish I could sleep until tomorrow. I want this day to be over with. I'm going to take a little break and then I'll be back later to write.

[lostlove76]

Hey lostlove, how are you feeling? Were you able to get some more rest? I'm feeling really terrible again. It's just coming and going in waves.

 

I took a look at IG a little while ago and I noticed he posted a video of himself on a boat alone. He's out on the water smoking a cigarette, drinking a beer, and blasting Easton Corbin - Roll With It.

If I wasn't crying enough before, it made me cry even more. It's unlike him to be coasting the water alone. Seems like he's enjoying his life. Here I am crying over him and struggling to get my life on track.

 

Hi ksol. I got maybe an hour more sleep. I've been irritable all day because of it. I just don't do well on no sleep. I feel like it affects me more than most people. It just exacerbates all the negative stuff - anxiety, depression, irritability, energy levels. As you well know. That's why I haven't said much today, I'm sorry. Just in one of those loner type moods due to all of the above.

 

Okay, so, about the video. I wouldn't take this as a bad thing. At least he's alone, for one. And two, I think that when people go off and do something alone like that, there's a good chance that they're contemplating life. Getting away from all the noise and distractions so that they can think clearly. Remember what you said about his sunset posts, and that it was because he was sad? I see this as probably a similar sort of thing. I remember mine telling me one time that he took a long walk on the beach to clear his head. I'm not familiar with that song, but do the lyrics give you any clues? I'll have to google it. People listen to songs that they are relating to in the moment. Not always - sometimes they listen to something more uplifting to try to motivate themselves towards feeling better. But often the song is about what they're feeling in the moment.

 

I know you jump right to the worst case - that he's enjoying life and moving on - but I'm not seeing it that way. There are often things you take as bad signs that I take as good signs. Like to you, him being at the car wash meant he didn't care if you saw each other because he was just living his life. To me, it meant he was missing you and sending smoke signals. We can't know for sure, but it's interesting how different perspectives of something can be. Try to see if you can see this boat video as I'm seeing it and see if that sounds like a viable possibility to you.

 

I'm sorry you're crying again I know I already said before, but I remember those days of just crying all the time. Just feeling deep sadness all the freaking time, and it never letting up. I know how much it hurts.

 

As for me, on top of the no sleep, I'm feeling agitated today because after him being online so constantly last night and this morning, he's now been on not at all since early afternoon, except one time on and right back off about half an hour ago. I'm pretty sure he's at work and would have time to get on, so I feel like it's either 1) because he was lurking trying to get new girl's attention, and he finally got it, so the void is no longer there and he has no need to lurk, or 2) he's purposely staying off for some reason. He's always done this - will be on a ton for a while and then completely not at all, and I could never figure out why. It seems like most people are pretty consistent with their Facebook habits, but with him, it seems like there's always some underlying reason for him doing whatever he does. It really was unusual that he got on late last night. Agh, there's no way to know. It's just bugging me.

[UnchainedSoul]

Thank you for saying this. I really do hope that all my positive efforts are going to pay off in the long run. All of this pain, tugging, and pulling that I've been doing with myself has to be for something. I know all this soul searching that I'm doing is going to pay off. As for my therapist, I don't want to depend on him too much. As difficult as it is to get through the week, I know i need to push myself on focusing on positive. I need to get myself moving with all the things I said I wanted to get started on.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you were feeling so terrible that you didn't want to get out of bed. Nothing matters in moments like that. I'm just really sorry. You give me so much strength that it saddens me to think there are moments you can''t find it, but I truly believe what you said about knowing pain is knowing happiness. One can't survive without the other. It's apart of life I guess.

 

I'm feeling like a confused mess. I wish I could sleep until tomorrow. I want this day to be over with. I'm going to take a little break and then I'll be back later to write.

 

I am really sorry you're in that place again. I know you don't want to depend on your therapist too much, but you know that's what he's there for. It's really okay, I mean even a pillar of strength has a weakness at it's base. I am not perfect, and I am truly deeply overjoyed to hear that I give you so much strength. I have my dark days I am not going to lie, but that's because I isolate and don't even come online, don't watch tv, don't call anyone, don't go outside, don't do anything sometimes when I am in that space. It's truly dark and I hope I don't revisit it, but one can never tell with mental illness, and mine has been known to be quite unpredictable.

 

But you know, even though you think he is out there, out on the boat, having a beer, listening to music, and enjoying life. He could be incredibly lonely and just trying to fill that void that you left in his heart. I mean men don't go out and do the "solo" thing without their buddies unless they are feeling really crappy. You know, I know it's hard, but every time you look at Instagram or Facebook, you end up feeling so so bad, and you fall into such despair, because your mind goes on that hamster wheel and you think that he is happier without you. Your mind plays such tricks on you. Hurtful tricks. I wish, I pray you find some clarity and some hope.

 

I feel for you, I do. You have to pull yourself up, pull yourself out of your pain and realize how beautiful and wonderful you are and how capable of being loved you can be.

 

To the girl whose beauty is present in all seasons

I tell you why you are beautiful, here are the reasons:

 

Your beauty extends into the heavens,

it goes on forever and never lessens.

Even when the clouds heighten

you are here and the world brightens.

You are like a fruit that constantly ripens

your beauty continues to grow no mater what happens.

 

You make everything else appear hollow

where ever you are loveliness is sure to follow.

You shine so bright you cast your own shadow

a beauty that others would love to borrow.

But try as they might your beauty they will never catch

because something like you they could never match.

 

Your beauty seems to increase with every breath

it tests the limits my imagination can stretch.

Your beauty is so vast it can't be concealed

there is no hiding it your beauty is always revealed.

 

The power of your beauty is the world's greatest gift

the heaviest boulder it could easily lift.

Heaven on Earth I was not aware

until I met a girl that was crafted with such care.

You would be the answer to a prayer

if someone asked for something rare with beauty to spare.

 

You are so beautiful Ksol, never forget it.

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. I got maybe an hour more sleep. I've been irritable all day because of it. I just don't do well on no sleep. I feel like it affects me more than most people. It just exacerbates all the negative stuff - anxiety, depression, irritability, energy levels. As you well know. That's why I haven't said much today, I'm sorry. Just in one of those loner type moods due to all of the above.

 

Oh yeah that sounds so familiar. I'm the exact way. Everything feels so much worse. Maybe that's why I feel really bad today. I'm on little sleep just like you. Maybe you will be able to get to bed early today. It's totally ok to retract and recharge. There are days where I don't feel like seeing or talking to a single soul, so you aren't wrong for that and I totally understand when you need to do that sometimes. I do enjoy chatting with you so I do appreciate that you check in.

 

I know you jump right to the worst case - that he's enjoying life and moving on - but I'm not seeing it that way. There are often things you take as bad signs that I take as good signs. Like to you, him being at the car wash meant he didn't care if you saw each other because he was just living his life. To me, it meant he was missing you and sending smoke signals. We can't know for sure, but it's interesting how different perspectives of something can be. Try to see if you can see this boat video as I'm seeing it and see if that sounds like a viable possibility to you.

.

 

I notice I do this a lot. In general I do this and my therapist pointed it out today. Ironic we are talking about it. I tend to look at things negatively before even considering it from a different perspective. I don't know why I do that and I wish i knew how to change it. I would do much rather be a positive person thaty negative old self. I do remember what he said about posting sunsets and so forth. He is a deep thinker and internalizes a lot, so maybe he was out there just thinking about life. I know he must miss his children. He told ne before that he knows he will feel lost for a while after they leave. Somehow I don't think all this strange traveling and lonely boat rides have anything to do with me. I don't think he's depressed or having a hard time, he may just be trying to take it all in still I guess. But I will try to see it from your perspective. It could definitely be a possibility.

 

As for me, on top of the no sleep, I'm feeling agitated today because after him being online so constantly last night and this morning, he's now been on not at all since early afternoon, except one time on and right back off about half an hour ago. I'm pretty sure he's at work and would have time to get on, so I feel like it's either 1) because he was lurking trying to get new girl's attention, and he finally got it, so the void is no longer there and he has no need to lurk, or 2) he's purposely staying off for some reason. He's always done this - will be on a ton for a while and then completely not at all, and I could never figure out why. It seems like most people are pretty consistent with their Facebook habits, but with him, it seems like there's always some underlying reason for him doing whatever he does. It really was unusual that he got on late last night. Agh, there's no way to know. It's just bugging me.

 

I can see how this is bugging you. When you know his habits, anything out of the ordinary would make you feel like something is going on. Just like me, you think worst case and I'm not just saying this because it really could be about anything, but I don't think it's because there is anyone new in his life. You'd see more than just a couple likes. I still think this woman is a mutual friend or friend of the family..something like that. Remember you fears about the ex? It turned out to be nothing. I wonder if he feels like how I feel about my guy? This is a random thought, but it just occurred to me that the way you last reacted to him was just like the reaction I got. I'm under the impression he hates my guts and he might think you dislike him as well. I was thinking that because he may notice you online, but won't contact because he thinks you can't stand him. Just a thought. Try not to let it get to you.

[Ksol9]

I am really sorry you're in that place again. I know you don't want to depend on your therapist too much, but you know that's what he's there for. It's really okay, I mean even a pillar of strength has a weakness at it's base. I am not perfect, and I am truly deeply overjoyed to hear that I give you so much strength. I have my dark days I am not going to lie, but that's because I isolate and don't even come online, don't watch tv, don't call anyone, don't go outside, don't do anything sometimes when I am in that space. It's truly dark and I hope I don't revisit it, but one can never tell with mental illness, and mine has been known to be quite unpredictable.

 

I don't know why I'm having such a hard time getting on my feet. It's been one month already. Maybe I should consider talking to my therapist in between visits. I mean you're right, that's what he's there for. Also I think isolation can be healthy. That's your way of dealing with things. I have days where I want to shut every and anything out.

 

But you know, even though you think he is out there, out on the boat, having a beer, listening to music, and enjoying life. He could be incredibly lonely and just trying to fill that void that you left in his heart. I mean men don't go out and do the "solo" thing without their buddies unless they are feeling really crappy. You know, I know it's hard, but every time you look at Instagram or Facebook, you end up feeling so so bad, and you fall into such despair, because your mind goes on that hamster wheel and you think that he is happier without you. Your mind plays such tricks on you. Hurtful tricks. I wish, I pray you find some clarity and some hope.

 

Thank you for this. I agree that looking at Facebook and ig can send my mind off into places that don't do me any good, but as you said all it is doing is hurting me. I just miss him so much. I'm very aware and mindful, but it still hurts. I do feel he is just going about his life. His pain is the loss of his children. Them living so far away and him not being able to raise him. I imagine his world is pretty empty, so I do think it's a viable possibility, as lostlove also said, that he's contemplating life. I know he's missing his children and I know he wants to be alone. I have to accept that and keeping up with Facebook and ig is always going to be harmful to me because we are apart.

 

Thank you for the beautiful poem. You're so kind and you spoke about something my therapist also said today. He said I need to look in the mirror and see beautiful woman, not only see it, but believe it. Thank you so much for being there for me. I don't know how to show you how much I appreciate you and lostlove and everyone else who so much deserves recognition for helping me along the way.

[lostlove76]

Oh yeah that sounds so familiar. I'm the exact way. Everything feels so much worse. Maybe that's why I feel really bad today. I'm on little sleep just like you. Maybe you will be able to get to bed early today. It's totally ok to retract and recharge. There are days where I don't feel like seeing or talking to a single soul, so you aren't wrong for that and I totally understand when you need to do that sometimes. I do enjoy chatting with you so I do appreciate that you check in.

Thank you for always understanding when I step back a little. And likewise, I'll always understand when you need to. Sometimes it's just hard to muster the energy for anything at all, and sometimes you just need to let your mind be free to wander. I think it's healthy and necessary to get off to yourself at times. I hope you get better sleep tonight as well. I'm definitely going to take a benadryl and lie down early. Even if I don't fall right to sleep, it'll be nice to just be in the bed and relax and maybe read some stuff on here for a while. When you get in bed, how long does it take you to fall asleep? It takes me hours.

 

I notice I do this a lot. In general I do this and my therapist pointed it out today. Ironic we are talking about it. I tend to look at things negatively before even considering it from a different perspective. I don't know why I do that and I wish i knew how to change it. I would do much rather be a positive person thaty negative old self. I do remember what he said about posting sunsets and so forth. He is a deep thinker and internalizes a lot, so maybe he was out there just thinking about life. I know he must miss his children. He told ne before that he knows he will feel lost for a while after they leave. Somehow I don't think all this strange traveling and lonely boat rides have anything to do with me. I don't think he's depressed or having a hard time, he may just be trying to take it all in still I guess. But I will try to see it from your perspective. It could definitely be a possibility.

I think we talked about this briefly before, but it seems that a lot of your negative thinking is some sort of self-protection or self-punishment, or a combination of both. It's almost like you refuse to allow yourself to believe that he may be thinking of you at all, or that he cares at all. Maybe your subconscious thinking is that if you don't even accept it as a possibility, you can't be let down. I don't know, just something to consider and maybe worth exploring. I've just noticed you doing this as far back as I can remember through all these breakups. Maybe it would help in some way to figure out why you're so adamantly hanging onto the absolute worst choice out of all possibilities. I do a lot of that myself as well, obviously, and sometimes it feels like I'm just punishing myself, although I don't know quite why I would do that... but that's why I name that as a potential reason you could be doing it, as well. I haven't thought it through completely, so the idea may sound a little fuzzy.

 

I am sure that he's thinking of you, although I 100% understand why it feels like he isn't.

 

Remember you fears about the ex? It turned out to be nothing.

Thank you for reminding me of this. It helps! I can sit here and think back to at least a handful of times when I've been SURE he was talking to this girl or that girl, or had created some other scenario in my head. I felt absolutely sure. And then, like the ex, it turned out to be nothing. It's a good reminder that just because something feels like it's the truth, it very well may not be... especially in the absence of any facts.

 

I wonder if he feels like how I feel about my guy? This is a random thought, but it just occurred to me that the way you last reacted to him was just like the reaction I got. I'm under the impression he hates my guts and he might think you dislike him as well.

That's a good question. And probably pretty accurate. There were many times when he said he thought I hated him (after one of our breaks, for example). He probably does think that. I don't know if he understands how horribly hurtful everything he did was to me. But more so, I feel like he just simply doesn't care. If he cared for a minute right after it happened, I feel like all care vanished the second skanky married woman moved in. And that was ages ago.

 

As for you.. I think there is a high possibility that your guy feels just as you do and thinks that you hate him as well. I imagine that both of you are probably having very similar thoughts throughout all of this, even if his thoughts don't run quite as deeply (since he's a guy).

 

I was thinking that because he may notice you online, but won't contact because he thinks you can't stand him.

It sounds silly at this stage, so long after the breakup, but I keep hoping that he's seeing me there and wishing we could talk. Or trying to get my attention. I'm trying to keep myself in check and realize that this is an extremely slim possibility. But yesterday, part of me was thinking that maybe he was on so much hoping I would say something, and same for why he got on after the bars late last night. And then just gave up. It bugs me that I would even hope for such a thing, but I can't help it. I'm being realistic about it, at least, and it's more of a wish than actually thinking it could be true. I guess since that's what I'm doing -- lurking around hoping he'll see me and say something -- it feels like maybe he could be doing the same. Ugh. I know he's doing it because of someone, I just don't know who. No activity has shown up, no likes or comments that I've seen at all. So he's either chatting with someone or just sitting there online. And yet now today, hardly anything at all.

 

Let this show you, though, that no matter how much someone may want to talk to someone or hear from someone (like me with him), there are things that will hold them back. I wish more than anything in the world that he would say something to me, but I absolutely 100% refuse to be the one to speak first, for various reasons. It could be the same with your guy. He may really want to talk, he may wish you would reach out, but there are things keeping him from stepping forward. Like thinking that you hate him, for one. So I don't know if I really believe the idea that men will walk to the end of the earth to be with you if that's what he wants. We hear that all the time, we're conditioned to believe that, but it's way too simplistic. Look at all the guys on ena who are forcing themselves to do NC for one reason or another, but are here talking about it because they're feeling hurt and bothered. If all men would do anything to get a girl back, then none of these guys would be here talking about NC. They would be out getting their girls.

[Ksol9]

Good morning lostlove,

 

Just wanted to say hi. Hope you got some restful sleep last night. I'm sorry I didn't respond to your post. I was processing a lot of what we discussed in therapy and even what we discussed here on the board.

 

I woke up feeling grateful for another day even in the midst of my heartache. I'm missing him terribly today. No anger, no anxiety, no resentments, and even if it's temporary..I'm just missing him.

 

Nothing sends you soul searching like a good heartbreaking. I'm convinced.

 

I'll be back later to respond to your last post. Hope you're well. Chat again soon.

[Ksol9]

It seems like I can start the day off strong, but as soon as lunch time comes around, reality settles in and I'm back to where I was yesterday and all the other days. The heavy feeling in my chest is back.

 

Thank you for always understanding when I step back a little. And likewise, I'll always understand when you need to. Sometimes it's just hard to muster the energy for anything at all, and sometimes you just need to let your mind be free to wander. I think it's healthy and necessary to get off to yourself at times. I hope you get better sleep tonight as well. I'm definitely going to take a benadryl and lie down early. Even if I don't fall right to sleep, it'll be nice to just be in the bed and relax and maybe read some stuff on here for a while. When you get in bed, how long does it take you to fall asleep? It takes me hours.

 

Yes, I agree. It's healthy to take time alone. Sometimes it's what you have to do to process your emotions. It takes me hours to fall asleep too. I can't turn my brain off. Meditation is supposed to help with this. Night time is the worst. It's the most lonely time of the day when you're missing someone.

 

I think we talked about this briefly before, but it seems that a lot of your negative thinking is some sort of self-protection or self-punishment, or a combination of both. It's almost like you refuse to allow yourself to believe that he may be thinking of you at all, or that he cares at all. Maybe your subconscious thinking is that if you don't even accept it as a possibility, you can't be let down. I don't know, just something to consider and maybe worth exploring. I've just noticed you doing this as far back as I can remember through all these breakups. Maybe it would help in some way to figure out why you're so adamantly hanging onto the absolute worst choice out of all possibilities. I do a lot of that myself as well, obviously, and sometimes it feels like I'm just punishing myself, although I don't know quite why I would do that... but that's why I name that as a potential reason you could be doing it, as well. I haven't thought it through completely, so the idea may sound a little fuzzy.

 

I am sure that he's thinking of you, although I 100% understand why it feels like he isn't.

 

I thought about this and I don't know exactly what it is. I don't know why I do this and maybe it's a little of everything that you mentioned. I just honestly believe that even though he may be think of me, he's doing whatever he can to move on. All these things I've seen recently. The drive bus, the boat rides alone, it just says to me that he's trying to move on. I don't know why I think that. I don't see it as a good thing. My therapist even said he may think about me and I doubted him. I mean I know he is human and of course I may cross his mind, but I believe there are other things that may be on his mind...like the children and rightfully so.

 

Thank you for reminding me of this. It helps! I can sit here and think back to at least a handful of times when I've been SURE he was talking to this girl or that girl, or had created some other scenario in my head. I felt absolutely sure. And then, like the ex, it turned out to be nothing. It's a good reminder that just because something feels like it's the truth, it very well may not be... especially in the absence of any facts.

 

Yes! I've done this too and when I realized I was wrong I reminded myself the next time that a lot of times my worst fear isn't even reality. I've proved this to myself a few times already. The same goes for you. That ex was never getting serious with him. That is my belief. I feel they probably exchanged a little small talk and that was it. They buried the hatchet or whatever. I don't think they talk or will be revisiting a relationship. That was just your fear and your mind did what it thought it was supposed to do..worry about and come up with reasons why you're right for assuming. We have to interrupt the way we think. Currently we don't know what is going on in his life..regarding relationships. There is no evidence of a serious relationship. There isn't anyone special enough or has captured him in the way that you're thinking. You'd see proof of it. I'm saying all of these things and I sit here and worry about the same things in my situation. I know how it is, but this is just my perspective from the outside.

 

That's a good question. And probably pretty accurate. There were many times when he said he thought I hated him (after one of our breaks, for example). He probably does think that. I don't know if he understands how horribly hurtful everything he did was to me. But more so, I feel like he just simply doesn't care. If he cared for a minute right after it happened, I feel like all care vanished the second skanky married woman moved in. And that was ages ago.

 

As for you.. I think there is a high possibility that your guy feels just as you do and thinks that you hate him as well. I imagine that both of you are probably having very similar thoughts throughout all of this, even if his thoughts don't run quite as deeply

 

That's probably exactly what is going on with him. I've always thought that...from the beginning. I believe he just thought you reached your limit and that you had enough. He thinks you dislike him. He knows he hurt you, but felt this was the only option since he pushed it so far. It wasn't that he didn't care or that the care vanished. He just tried to continue on with his life. All those women are irrelevant because I don't see that they were in serious relationships with him. I know that it hurts regardless. That would nearly kill me. Trust me I understand the pain it has caused you. This silence is just..I can't even find an appropriate word to describe, but I think you know what I mean.

 

As for me, my last message to him let him know how much he hurt me and any time I've seen him, I won't even look his way. I don't hate him..it's just hurt and pain. So much pain that I can't even look at him. I still love him and I still need him. That's the truth. I don't believe he feels like I do. I believe that even though he cared and loved me, he realizes that it's best to move on and so he's just living his life and will eventually heal and move on. He may still be very angry with me, but I don't believe he is missing me or hoping for this to be resolved like I am.

 

It sounds silly at this stage, so long after the breakup, but I keep hoping that he's seeing me there and wishing we could talk. Or trying to get my attention. I'm trying to keep myself in check and realize that this is an extremely slim possibility. But yesterday, part of me was thinking that maybe he was on so much hoping I would say something, and same for why he got on after the bars late last night. And then just gave up. It bugs me that I would even hope for such a thing, but I can't help it. I'm being realistic about it, at least, and it's more of a wish than actually thinking it could be true. I guess since that's what I'm doing -- lurking around hoping he'll see me and say something -- it feels like maybe he could be doing the same. Ugh. I know he's doing it because of someone, I just don't know who. No activity has shown up, no likes or comments that I've seen at all. So he's either chatting with someone or just sitting there online. And yet now today, hardly anything at all.

 

Let this show you, though, that no matter how much someone may want to talk to someone or hear from someone (like me with him), there are things that will hold them back. I wish more than anything in the world that he would say something to me, but I absolutely 100% refuse to be the one to speak first, for various reasons. It could be the same with your guy. He may really want to talk, he may wish you would reach out, but there are things keeping him from stepping forward. Like thinking that you hate him, for one. So I don't know if I really believe the idea that men will walk to the end of the earth to be with you if that's what he wants. We hear that all the time, we're conditioned to believe that, but it's way too simplistic. Look at all the guys on ena who are forcing themselves to do NC for one reason or another, but are here talking about it because they're feeling hurt and bothered. If all men would do anything to get a girl back, then none of these guys would be here talking about NC.

 

This is what crossed my mind. I was thinking maybe he saw ou online and was hoping you'd say something and I don't think it's silly to think that. I also wanted to say that you've been very honest with your feelings. I wish I knew what the solution to this is. I know what you're going through.

 

I also agree with you about the NC issue. I've read countless stories from men who want to mend and fix their relationships, but just can't and will stick to Nc. It's circumstantial and everyone is different. That's what I believe. In my situation, he would never go to the end of the world even if he wanted to and I should never expect that of any man. There are so many specifics to my situation that would prevent him from trying to reconcile right now. From his point of view, I am a woman who has to work on myself, I have insecurities, and maybe he has recognized his problems and has realized we will never work no matter how much he hopes it would. This is my thinking, so in that regard, I agree with you.

 

I'm getting hungry. I better grab some lunch. I have a pain in my heart like a wound that hasn't healed properly or a wound that keeps getting reopened. It's just an old pain. It sucks. It really does. Seeing him on that boat, made me feel certain he's just trying to move on with his life. I have so much to be grateful for and I know I still have a chance to meet someone new and be happy, that's what everyone says, but I often think that's just something to say. People have to tell us to know our worthy, to save ourselves the trouble, and to move on. It's no so simple. I just miss him today. I've said that a few times today, im sure it's getting old.

[lostlove76]

Good morning lostlove,

 

Just wanted to say hi. Hope you got some restful sleep last night. I'm sorry I didn't respond to your post. I was processing a lot of what we discussed in therapy and even what we discussed here on the board.

 

I woke up feeling grateful for another day even in the midst of my heartache. I'm missing him terribly today. No anger, no anxiety, no resentments, and even if it's temporary..I'm just missing him.

 

Nothing sends you soul searching like a good heartbreaking. I'm convinced.

 

I'll be back later to respond to your last post. Hope you're well. Chat again soon.

 

Good morning ksol. I just got up. I think I may have gotten a solid 8 hours, for once. I need to find some lunch and get ready for work in a bit. I know what you mean about just missing him without feeling any of the anger. I feel that way at times, too. It comes and goes. I'm sure he feels that way about you a lot, too.

 

I hope you have a good day. I'll check in later. Hugs.

 

ETA: I see you posted at the same time I was posting. I'll read it in a few.

[lostlove76]

I thought about this and I don't know exactly what it is. I don't know why I do this and maybe it's a little of everything that you mentioned. I just honestly believe that even though he may be think of me, he's doing whatever he can to move on. All these things I've seen recently. The drive bus, the boat rides alone, it just says to me that he's trying to move on. I don't know why I think that. I don't see it as a good thing. My therapist even said he may think about me and I doubted him. I mean I know he is human and of course I may cross his mind, but I believe there are other things that may be on his mind...like the children and rightfully so.

I can usually understand your every thought, but I can't quite grasp this one (the part I bolded) It's interesting that you see this as a bad thing, while I see it as good. Also interesting that you have people telling you (well, me, and your therapist at least) that he may be thinking of you, and you know from experience that he was thinking of you during the past two breakups, and yet you're so adamant that he isn't now. I know I would be feeling that way too, actually, given the silence. But the drivebys, at least, would give me hope that he was missing me. None of this is right or wrong, I just find it interesting that you don't allow yourself to believe anything but the worst. I guess I do that with my situation too, though, don't I. Things always look so different from the outside looking in.

 

Yes! I've done this too and when I realized I was wrong I reminded myself the next time that a lot of times my worst fear isn't even reality. I've proved this to myself a few times already. The same goes for you. That ex was never getting serious with him. That is my belief. I feel they probably exchanged a little small talk and that was it. They buried the hatchet or whatever. I don't think they talk or will be revisiting a relationship. That was just your fear and your mind did what it thought it was supposed to do..worry about and come up with reasons why you're right for assuming. We have to interrupt the way we think. Currently we don't know what is going on in his life..regarding relationships. There is no evidence of a serious relationship. There isn't anyone special enough or has captured him in the way that you're thinking. You'd see proof of it. I'm saying all of these things and I sit here and worry about the same things in my situation. I know how it is, but this is just my perspective from the outside.

I'm so glad that we're here to give each other these outside perspectives and reminders. It truly does help me tremendously, and I hope it helps you too in some way. The part I bolded is so true. Great point. Our minds are so used to doing what they do, that to not do it feels very foreign. I always feel (in relationship situations and pretty much everything else, as well) that something must be wrong so I need to find out what it is. Like I don't want to be caught unaware, so I need to identify the problem asap so that I can either prepare myself for the worst, or do something to fix it. Maybe your mind does that, too.

 

I think you're right about the ex. It's weird how I was so entirely sure that they were starting up something serious and talking 24/7, and now it feels like nothing is going on with them at all. I guess sometimes I do wonder if they're talking once or twice a week, but then my mind goes straight back to the new girl. It's just impossible to know, but there's been no hints of anything anywhere that he's talking to any of these girls, aside from those few things I've told you about. Same for you and yours - there have been no hints at all that he's talking or involved with anyone.

 

That's probably exactly what is going on with him. I've always thought that...from the beginning. I believe he just thought you reached your limit and that you had enough. He thinks you dislike him. He knows he hurt you, but felt this was the only option since he pushed it so far. It wasn't that he didn't care or that the care vanished. He just tried to continue on with his life. All those women are irrelevant because I don't see that they were in serious relationships with him. I know that it hurts regardless. That would nearly kill me. Trust me I understand the pain it has caused you. This silence is just..I can't even find an appropriate word to describe, but I think you know what I mean.

 

As for me, my last message to him let him know how much he hurt me and any time I've seen him, I won't even look his way. I don't hate him..it's just hurt and pain. So much pain that I can't even look at him. I still love him and I still need him. That's the truth. I don't believe he feels like I do. I believe that even though he cared and loved me, he realizes that it's best to move on and so he's just living his life and will eventually heal and move on. He may still be very angry with me, but I don't believe he is missing me or hoping for this to be resolved like I am.

What you say about mine does make good sense. I do the same thing you do; I dismiss what could be a rational possibility and jump straight to "he just doesn't care and never did." But you may very well be right. I imagine I sounded pretty upset and hateful there at the end. Perhaps he realized I had finally reached my limit, since I refused to take his calls for 2 1/2 weeks. He did keep trying, and I keep "forgetting" about that.

 

As for yours, I think your hurt and anger was clear to him, like you're saying. And since you won't acknowledge him when he passes you, I'm sure he is aware that the hurt is still there. He probably sees a wall that can't be penetrated at this point. I very seriously doubt that he hates you, and any anger he may have felt initially has probably long since vanished, or at least diminished into almost nothing by this point. Not many people hang onto anger for long periods of time. I myself do, but only as some type of defense mechanism. You still feel some anger, but only out of pain; you don't hate him. Most people just kind of let that stuff go pretty quickly, and I'm sure that's what he has done. You may have been "difficult" (which, let's face it, ALL women are difficult), but you didn't do anything horrible, you know? I think men understand that when we act out, it's because we feel like we're not receiving something from them. Whereas when men do the same, like not coming home for a couple of days, we feel like it's because they don't care about us. Men get that we're emotional and attached, and I just don't think they take our actions as being signs that we don't care about them. If that makes sense.

 

Let me read and reply to the rest in just a minute from my phone.

[lostlove76]

This is what crossed my mind. I was thinking maybe he saw ou online and was hoping you'd say something and I don't think it's silly to think that. I also wanted to say that you've been very honest with your feelings. I wish I knew what the solution to this is. I know what you're going through.

Thank you so much for this. I did feel silly for thinking or hoping that maaaaybe he was sitting there wishing I would say something, but it's so nice to be able to be competely honest here and know that it won't be judged or scoffed at. That in itself helps more than anything and means the world. I hope you know, too, that I always appreciate your honesty about your own feelings as well and understand 99% of the time exactly where you're coming from. When I offer alternative views, I hope it doesn't feel like I'm invalidating your feelings at all. I'm just trying to help you see outside your own perspective, because I know how easily we can get stuck on one train of thought.

 

So maybe there is a slim chance he was doing what I was doing. He's doing something for sure, whatever it is. I know he's not browsing for 5-6 hours straight. And most likely not chatting for that long either, because even though he's very verbal on the phone or in person, he's low on words with messaging. So he was lurking for someone, just don't know who. And just wishing and hoping maybe it was me.

 

I also agree with you about the NC issue. I've read countless stories from men who want to mend and fix their relationships, but just can't and will stick to Nc. It's circumstantial and everyone is different. That's what I believe. In my situation, he would never go to the end of the world even if he wanted to and I should never expect that of any man. There are so many specifics to my situation that would prevent him from trying to reconcile right now.

Yes, this. Your guy is just not the type who is going to break down doors to prove his love or get you back. We saw how long it took him the last two times, even while he was thinking about you the whole time. So it's just not realistic to think that every man will do anything it takes. Men are notorious for holding their emotions inside, and also for being stubborn and prideful. And also for being clueless about how to fix relationship issues, honestly. So please don't take his lack of action as a sure conclusion that he doesn't care or doesn't want you. I don't see it that way at all.

 

Back to laptop, sorry lol, one sec. I'm really wanting to reply to all of this before I go to work, so I'm moving around a lot.

[lostlove76]

From his point of view, I am a woman who has to work on myself, I have insecurities, and maybe he has recognized his problems and has realized we will never work no matter how much he hopes it would.

I'm not really sure this is what he's thinking. He wasn't thinking this the last two times, because he just wanted you back. He may recognize these things on some level, yes, but I don't know that it would lead him to the conclusion that it will never work. You yourself see all of these things - how much you really need to work on yourself and your insecurities and your negativity, and also the fact that he has issues himself. But you're still willing and wanting to give it a go, even while some part of you may know that being with him has not been good for you. Rational mind vs. the heart. The heart usually wins. I've spent 7 months (longer, really) trying my darndest to convince myself not to want mine back because I know he's horrible for me in so many ways, and yet here I still sit, wishing he would fix things. So why would your guy be any different, ya know? If the feelings are still there, that's what's going to win out. And I don't think the feelings have vanished within a month's time. They didn't vanish the last two times. And he's done the drivebys, which to me says he misses you. So if he continues not to reach out, I don't believe that it's because he doesn't want this and isn't willing to give it another go. He may be struggling between mind and heart right now, he may be having conflicting thoughts, he may be confused... just like you.

 

I'm getting hungry. I better grab some lunch. I have a pain in my heart like a wound that hasn't healed properly or a wound that keeps getting reopened. It's just an old pain. It sucks. It really does. Seeing him on that boat, made me feel certain he's just trying to move on with his life. I have so much to be grateful for and I know I still have a chance to meet someone new and be happy, that's what everyone says, but I often think that's just something to say. People have to tell us to know our worthy, to save ourselves the trouble, and to move on. It's no so simple. I just miss him today. I've said that a few times today, im sure it's getting old.

I'm so sorry you have to feel this way. Missing someone is the worst feeling in the world. You do have a lot to be grateful for, and you do have a bright future ahead of you. But I know that matters very little right now when all you feel is pain. Just allow yourself to feel it and don't feel "wrong" for it.

 

I guess I need to run, but will be back later on. Hang in there, ksol. Hugs. Talk soon.

[Ksol9]

I can usually understand your every thought, but I can't quite grasp this one (the part I bolded) It's interesting that you see this as a bad thing, while I see it as good. Also interesting that you have people telling you (well, me, and your therapist at least) that he may be thinking of you, and you know from experience that he was thinking of you during the past two breakups, and yet you're so adamant that he isn't now. I know I would be feeling that way too, actually, given the silence. But the drivebys, at least, would give me hope that he was missing me. None of this is right or wrong, I just find it interesting that you don't allow yourself to believe anything but the worst. I guess I do that with my situation too, though, don't I. Things always look so different from the outside looking in.

 

I can't explain why I don't see this as good. I mean I understand it's very possible that he thinks of me. You don't just automatically forget about someone that you spent the last 2 years with. I guess I just feel very strongly about this being final. A pattern is a pattern, so I do understand your point. It's as you said...things look different from the outside looking in. I think that has a huge role in why I think the way I do.

 

I'm so glad that we're here to give each other these outside perspectives and reminders. It truly does help me tremendously, and I hope it helps you too in some way. The part I bolded is so true. Great point. Our minds are so used to doing what they do, that to not do it feels very foreign. I always feel (in relationship situations and pretty much everything else, as well) that something must be wrong so I need to find out what it is. Like I don't want to be caught unaware, so I need to identify the problem asap so that I can either prepare myself for the worst, or do something to fix it. Maybe your mind does that, too.

 

I think you're right about the ex. It's weird how I was so entirely sure that they were starting up something serious and talking 24/7, and now it feels like nothing is going on with them at all. I guess sometimes I do wonder if they're talking once or twice a week, but then my mind goes straight back to the new girl. It's just impossible to know, but there's been no hints of anything anywhere that he's talking to any of these girls, aside from those few things I've told you about. Same for you and yours - there have been no hints at all that he's talking or involved with anyone.

 

You don't know how much you help me when you try to help me see things from a different perspective. You encourage me to stop thinking negatively. All day today I've been saying to myself...negative thoughts become things..negative thoughts become things. It's like my therapist explained, if you are so used to thinking negatively or worst case scenarios, this is how we've trained our brains to think. We have formed neurotransmitters that are programmed this way. SO remember what we put into our minds affects the chemistry in our brain. As I'm typing this, I just thought about how you said that I am adamant about thinking those things as negative and not positive. Another example of how I think negatively on cue. Anyhow, when you have it in your mind that he was talking to his ex, your brain naturally continued to push those thoughts and more and more thoughts surfaced to support that thought. You have to interrupt those thoughts constantly in order to retrain or form new neurotransmitters. It's science, but it totally makes sense.

 

Now that some time has passed and you can be certain that he most likely isn't involved with the ex, are you relieved or is it something that still crosses your mind here and there..."still maaybe he's talking with her"? The reason I ask is because, the married woman, I've seen things to support that she is not with him and is in another relationship, yet my brain still thinks that something could be going on or could begin at any moment. Even writing that I see how far my mind will stretch just to say my thoughts are somewhat credible. It's all besides the point, all I am doing by thinking any of those things is just filling my head with negativity. It won't do me any good.

 

What you say about mine does make good sense. I do the same thing you do; I dismiss what could be a rational possibility and jump straight to "he just doesn't care and never did." But you may very well be right. I imagine I sounded pretty upset and hateful there at the end. Perhaps he realized I had finally reached my limit, since I refused to take his calls for 2 1/2 weeks. He did keep trying, and I keep "forgetting" about that.

 

As for yours, I think your hurt and anger was clear to him, like you're saying. And since you won't acknowledge him when he passes you, I'm sure he is aware that the hurt is still there. He probably sees a wall that can't be penetrated at this point. I very seriously doubt that he hates you, and any anger he may have felt initially has probably long since vanished, or at least diminished into almost nothing by this point. Not many people hang onto anger for long periods of time. I myself do, but only as some type of defense mechanism. You still feel some anger, but only out of pain; you don't hate him. Most people just kind of let that stuff go pretty quickly, and I'm sure that's what he has done. You may have been "difficult" (which, let's face it, ALL women are difficult), but you didn't do anything horrible, you know? I think men understand that when we act out, it's because we feel like we're not receiving something from them. Whereas when men do the same, like not coming home for a couple of days, we feel like it's because they don't care about us. Men get that we're emotional and attached, and I just don't think they take our actions as being signs that we don't care about them. If that makes sense.

 

Even him continuing to try after you shut him out for those 2.5 weeks should be validation to you that he tried, but felt it was best to move on. I still feel he believes that is what you wanted...that you wanted to move on with your life and for him to move on with his. I would feel hurt and angry and all the things you feel if I were in your shoes, please don't think I am not validating your feelings, but that is just my point of view of his side of things. You can only shut people out for so long. Everyone has a life to live and for someone like him, as you've explained, it doesn't seem like he likes or is used to being completely alone. As we would like to hope that these guys take time for themselves, be alone to process their emotion, and be completely sure before they move on...we know it doesn't always happen that way. I really believe this is what happened in your situation lostlove. Do you genuinely believe that or do you still feel like he just didn't give a crap? I don't think we can conclude he just didn't give a crap...no one can conclude that.

 

As for my situation, you are most likely right. The anger is most likely gone or maybe it comes and goes. It's not like I cheated on him or I killed his puppy or anything like that. I just think he doesn't want anything to do with me and whatever we had doesn't mean much to him. He just rather not have me in his life period and he doesn't feel like he owes me an explanation, conversation, or anything like that. I guess this just life. People do things like this all the time and this is not the first time he has walked away and left me on the floor. That is why I often think he doesn't care..I equate those actions with not caring. At the end of the day, he doesn't owe me anything. It's all said and done now. I have to think about myself because no one is going to look out for me but me. If this is what he wants, then I respect it and I'm happy for him. IF these drive bys meant he was missing me, I still think he wouldn't even know what to say to me after all the horrible things that were said. He's not going to go back on anything he said to me about this relationship not working.

 

So maybe there is a slim chance he was doing what I was doing. He's doing something for sure, whatever it is. I know he's not browsing for 5-6 hours straight. And most likely not chatting for that long either, because even though he's very verbal on the phone or in person, he's low on words with messaging. So he was lurking for someone, just don't know who. And just wishing and hoping maybe it was me.

 

I agree..he isn't browsing for 5 hours and not chatting online for that long either. I just thought of something. There was a time when my guy and I got back together. We were actually sitting with eachother. We were at home all day and whenever I went on facebook, his status said active now. It never came off. This happened before also. It got stuck or something. I really think he was either hoping someone would contact him if they see him online or it was some sort of glitch.

 

I'm not really sure this is what he's thinking. He wasn't thinking this the last two times, because he just wanted you back. He may recognize these things on some level, yes, but I don't know that it would lead him to the conclusion that it will never work. You yourself see all of these things - how much you really need to work on yourself and your insecurities and your negativity, and also the fact that he has issues himself. But you're still willing and wanting to give it a go, even while some part of you may know that being with him has not been good for you. Rational mind vs. the heart. The heart usually wins. I've spent 7 months (longer, really) trying my darndest to convince myself not to want mine back because I know he's horrible for me in so many ways, and yet here I still sit, wishing he would fix things. So why would your guy be any different, ya know? If the feelings are still there, that's what's going to win out. And I don't think the feelings have vanished within a month's time. They didn't vanish the last two times. And he's done the drivebys, which to me says he misses you. So if he continues not to reach out, I don't believe that it's because he doesn't want this and isn't willing to give it another go. He may be struggling between mind and heart right now, he may be having conflicting thoughts, he may be confused... just like you.

 

I know I sound silly saying this...but I really feel this time is different. He knows we have done this back and forth thing 2 times. He kept saying this is never going to work and that means he feels if we were to try again, the same outcome would happen. I don't see him changing his mind. He's smarter and stronger than me. I'd try again in a heartbeat. He's more logical than I am. Feels like everything is so final to me. It's been 4 weeks and I don't see him changing his mind at all.

 

I've had this slight headache all day. I'm going to take a nice relaxing bath. Maybe that will help. I hope you have a good evening at work. Will talk to you later.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I just got settled and started reading, and I'm about to reply in a few. I don't know when you're going to bed, but just letting you know I'm here. If I miss seeing you before I finish typing, it'll be here for you to read whenever. I'll probably be up really late tonight since I don't have to go anywhere tomorrow. I wanted to tell you something I was thinking about earlier. Ive noticed a pretty decent lift in my overall moods the last few weeks. I was still in a pretty depressed place through the end of the year, but lately something has shifted. I can't really contribute it to anything other than the simple passing of time. I do still have really depressed days here and there, but mostly, I feel so much more okay than I was feeling before. And I just wanted to mention it to you because I know it feels like you'll NEVER come out the other side of this sadness. I know, because that's how I felt. I truly felt doomed to misery for the rest of my life, or at least a really really long time. It doesn't help you much now to think that maybe one day you'll feel better, I'm sure, because right now just feels so terribly awful. But I just wanted to mention it. And maybe it won't even take you as long as it took me, since you're doing the work and going to therapy. I can't promise I'll feel this same way tomorrow, or this time next week, but I'm starting to have more and more decent days as time goes along. And you'll get there too one day. There will be a break in the clouds, I promise you. I feel stupid for writing this, because it just feels kind of cliche, but it's the truth.

 

Okay, going to read and reply. If I miss you, I hope you have a good night and get some sleep, and I hope your day was okay. Talk soon.

[UnchainedSoul]

I can't explain why I don't see this as good. I mean I understand it's very possible that he thinks of me. You don't just automatically forget about someone that you spent the last 2 years with. I guess I just feel very strongly about this being final. A pattern is a pattern, so I do understand your point. It's as you said...things look different from the outside looking in. I think that has a huge role in why I think the way I do.

 

I know I sound silly saying this...but I really feel this time is different. He knows we have done this back and forth thing 2 times. He kept saying this is never going to work and that means he feels if we were to try again, the same outcome would happen. I don't see him changing his mind. He's smarter and stronger than me. I'd try again in a heartbeat. He's more logical than I am. Feels like everything is so final to me. It's been 4 weeks and I don't see him changing his mind at all.

 

I've had this slight headache all day. I'm going to take a nice relaxing bath. Maybe that will help. I hope you have a good evening at work. Will talk to you later.

 

I do hope your headache has gone away, I am sorry I have been MIA for a while, I have been dealing with stuff on my own. There is this guy I have been thinking about a lot and I really hate when they get so deep in your head. I love the fact that he is amazing, but I hate the fact that I am being co-dependent (waiting for his texts, waiting for him online etc.) I think at this point in my life I am done waiting for a man, if you know what I mean? I don't like that feeling of being in absolute limbo which I know you and lostlove can identify with.

 

Anyway, back to you. I took these parts of your quote because I think in coping you are forcing yourself from not holding out for hope. If you sit there and dream that he thinks of you (which I don't know if he does or doesn't), then you give yourself hope (maybe false hope), and you end up spinning right back in the hamster wheel. I think by thinking the way you do, by thinking that he doesn't think of you, that you don't matter to him, its your defensive mechanism kicking in, telling you that you have to move on. If you sit there in a fantasy and dream of all the thoughts of him missing you, you will sit by the phone and hope he texts or calls, or even worse YOU text or call.

 

What I think you are going through is natural. I truly hope do you find strength and come out on the other end much stronger than you are now. I am glad you are doing things like taking a bath and relaxing your nerves, really shows you are thinking a lot about self-care.

 

With that said I will leave you with a little bit of mantras I learned over the years:

 

Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.

You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.

When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can’t go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.

[lostlove76]

I can't explain why I don't see this as good. I mean I understand it's very possible that he thinks of me. You don't just automatically forget about someone that you spent the last 2 years with. I guess I just feel very strongly about this being final. A pattern is a pattern, so I do understand your point. It's as you said...things look different from the outside looking in. I think that has a huge role in why I think the way I do.

Maybe it benefits you in some way to think of it as being final. Maybe it's better than carrying hope and waiting for him to call. And maybe thinking of it as final allows you to make better attempts at focusing on yourself and your future. All good things. I know that the silence, and the last words spoken, are also contributing to this feeling as well. Honestly, as much as it hurts, you're probably better off seeing things this way rather than just waiting for the pattern to repeat itself. If he reaches out at some point like the last two times, great. If he doesn't, then you'll be ahead because you started early in trying to deal with it and face a future without him.

 

You don't know how much you help me when you try to help me see things from a different perspective. You encourage me to stop thinking negatively. All day today I've been saying to myself...negative thoughts become things..negative thoughts become things. It's like my therapist explained, if you are so used to thinking negatively or worst case scenarios, this is how we've trained our brains to think. We have formed neurotransmitters that are programmed this way. SO remember what we put into our minds affects the chemistry in our brain. As I'm typing this, I just thought about how you said that I am adamant about thinking those things as negative and not positive. Another example of how I think negatively on cue. Anyhow, when you have it in your mind that he was talking to his ex, your brain naturally continued to push those thoughts and more and more thoughts surfaced to support that thought. You have to interrupt those thoughts constantly in order to retrain or form new neurotransmitters. It's science, but it totally makes sense.

It does make total sense.

"Anyhow, when you have it in your mind that he was talking to his ex, your brain naturally continued to push those thoughts and more and more thoughts surfaced to support that thought." ---> So true, and such a good point. Our negative thoughts are so automatic, and we are so convinced that they're the truth, that our minds search high and low for "evidence" to support the theory, or at least additional side theories to support the main theory. Like when you when were worried about him seeing the married woman, and because there was no evidence to suggest that he was (and there was in fact evidence to suggest that he wasn't), you made up something in your head - maybe she had her kids that particular weekend and that's why they weren't together, but they would surely get together the following weekend. If there is no evidence, we'll just make something up! I do that too, all the time. Our minds do it quickly and automatically, and what we come up with all feels very real.

 

Now that some time has passed and you can be certain that he most likely isn't involved with the ex, are you relieved or is it something that still crosses your mind here and there..."still maaybe he's talking with her"? The reason I ask is because, the married woman, I've seen things to support that she is not with him and is in another relationship, yet my brain still thinks that something could be going on or could begin at any moment. Even writing that I see how far my mind will stretch just to say my thoughts are somewhat credible.

Yes, I do exactly the same thing you're describing. Even today, I've seen him pop on and offline several times throughout the day, and I see that the ex has also been on. So my mind thinks, "well maybe they are talking." Then I think, "but how could that be, since he's with this new girl?" I shift from one belief to another based on whatever tiny little "clue" I see in front of me, and then everything I've come up with before practically flies out the window in that moment. I also understand completely when you say you feel like something could begin at any moment. I do that too. I've said it before, but it amazes me sometimes how similarly you and I think. You describe something, and 9.5 times out of 10, I've thought or felt the exact same thing.

 

It's all besides the point, all I am doing by thinking any of those things is just filling my head with negativity. It won't do me any good.

Very true, but I can sense you making good progress with interrupting the thoughts. You're on the right path here, which is great. I don't focus on making purposeful attempts to do it as much as you do (which I should!), but just watching you maintain awareness of it and stopping the thoughts has helped me to do it a bit more naturally myself as well, I think. I'm not dwelling on things quite to the extent that I was before. I do still think about it, but I just don't carry it as far. So maybe we're both making a bit of progress. Slowly but surely.

 

It looks like it's been a while since you were on, so I may just post this one and then reply to the other half in a few or a bit.

[lostlove76]

Even him continuing to try after you shut him out for those 2.5 weeks should be validation to you that he tried, but felt it was best to move on.

You're right, it totally should be validation of that. And yet I refuse to accept it as such, which is silly. Like it wasn't enough to me that he tried for 2 1/2 weeks; he didn't keep trying, so he didn't care, is what I tell myself. When really, I should just be glad that he at least tried that much, ya know?? Why would he have kept trying that many times if he truly cared nothing about me at all? He called 3-4 times every other night for 2 1/2 weeks. But all the while he was doing that, I knew that he had already connected with the married woman at some point, because he had mentioned her to me during our last phone call. So that's why I didn't answer. And then after a couple of nights of me not answering him is when he added her to facebook. And when he quit calling coincided with her going down there. Then she went back home briefly, and he called 3-4 times one night after she left. But I didn't answer because I knew she had been down there. Then she went back and stayed, and that was that, haven't heard from him since.

 

I would feel hurt and angry and all the things you feel if I were in your shoes, please don't think I am not validating your feelings, but that is just my point of view of his side of things.

Don't worry, I never feel like you're invalidating my feelings. I really really appreciate it when you show me the outside view, because it's hard for me to see anything outside my own feeling and beliefs. When you show me what you see from the outside, it really helps me understand better, and it helps me feel less awful. I appreciate you so much for this, so, thank you

 

You can only shut people out for so long.

You're right!! I think some part of me believes that if someone cares, they will keep trying, and they will do whatever it takes to break down the wall between you and fix what happened. Which is completely contradictory to what I was telling you before, about how men don't always do this. I fully believe the latter (what I was telling you), but when it comes to myself, I place these high expectations on people to keep trying no matter how hard I shut them out. And maybe that's just not fair. I can't expect people to keep trying and trying when I've completely shut them out and cut them off and continue to stonewall them. I do that, and then I take it as evidence that I don't matter to them when they don't do more and more to fix it. Really not fair. This needs to be a lesson that I carry with me. Like I've told you, my dad has said many times that maybe he believed me when I said I was done. And really, why wouldn't he believe me, when I wouldn't answer his calls for 2 1/2 weeks?

 

Likewise, yours may feel that you've shut him out and he can't get through. You said some angry words and said you were done. Then you didn't answer when he called that one time. Then you wouldn't look at him when he drove by. (I would have reacted exactly as you did, so I'm not at all saying it was wrong of you.) So maybe he feels completely shut out, as well.

 

Everyone has a life to live and for someone like him, as you've explained, it doesn't seem like he likes or is used to being completely alone. As we would like to hope that these guys take time for themselves, be alone to process their emotion, and be completely sure before they move on...we know it doesn't always happen that way.

I think men are more afraid of being alone than women are. We may hate it, we may fear that we'll be alone for the rest of our lives, we may miss having someone to connect with, we may feel deep sorrow at being separated from the one we love... but we can and do handle it, for the most part, without running out and grabbing the next thing we can find. Whereas men will run right out and grab whatever gives them attention and distracts them from their feelings of loss. It's weird, because men are generally the ones who drag their feet about commitment, and yet they can't stand to be alone. It's annoying!! Seriously.

 

I really believe this is what happened in your situation lostlove. Do you genuinely believe that or do you still feel like he just didn't give a crap? I don't think we can conclude he just didn't give a crap...no one can conclude that.

I do feel like he just didn't give a crap Part of me believes what you're saying about how it probably went down on his side, and part of me believes all the words he told me about how much what we had meant to him. But at the end of the day, I feel like I just meant nothing at all. A lot of that feeling is probably due to outside influences - being bombarded with messages of "if he cared, he would do this or that", etc, as well as articles I've read on narcissism and the like. And the rest of the feeling is due to the silence, which is why you're currently feeling like you meant nothing to yours. But we are just as silent towards them, so what must they be thinking about us?

 

As for my situation, you are most likely right. The anger is most likely gone or maybe it comes and goes. It's not like I cheated on him or I killed his puppy or anything like that. I just think he doesn't want anything to do with me and whatever we had doesn't mean much to him. He just rather not have me in his life period and he doesn't feel like he owes me an explanation, conversation, or anything like that. I guess this just life. People do things like this all the time and this is not the first time he has walked away and left me on the floor. That is why I often think he doesn't care..I equate those actions with not caring.

I would feel the exact same way as you do, I am sure. But again, from the outside looking in... he could equate some of your actions with not caring, as well. Like I said, you have remained just as silent. He could easily conclude that you don't care enough to fix it, or that you've decided it's not worth the trouble. You and I both know that this is nowhere close to what you're thinking or feeling, but he wouldn't know that. And just as you're taking his final words as end-all-be-all, he could be taking yours the same way. The reason I keep pointing this out is to show that actions really DON'T always equate to what the person is feeling. Oftentimes, people act the exact opposite of what they're wanting or feeling, as a matter of pride or as a defense mechanism. I do it, and you do it, so is it that far-fetched to think that maybe he does it also? We do know that he did all these things the last two times, but still wanted you back.

 

Having said all that, I don't want to completely negate the possibility that he won't reach out. I do think you need to be prepared for that, as you're doing while you continue to focus on yourself. But if he doesn't reach out, I don't believe that it's because he doesn't care. I would think that he was just feeling like he should leave you alone because he knows you're hurt and angry, or he's embarrassed that this keeps happening, or he doesn't know what to say, or any of the other numerous possibilities we've discussed.

 

I agree..he isn't browsing for 5 hours and not chatting online for that long either. I just thought of something. There was a time when my guy and I got back together. We were actually sitting with eachother. We were at home all day and whenever I went on facebook, his status said active now. It never came off. This happened before also. It got stuck or something. I really think he was either hoping someone would contact him if they see him online or it was some sort of glitch.

I've heard of this glitch before too. I think it was BEG who said she experienced the same thing you did - sitting beside her ex and his status showing as online. Hmm. But I think he was really on, because there have been several days within the past couple of weeks when he was on the majority of the day or half the day, and it would show him mostly on but getting off at times. So it wasn't stuck as just online all the time. It looked like he was on most of the time, but occasionally getting off for a few minutes or an hour at a time and then back on again for long periods of time. Or on and off constantly throughout the day. Also, I noticed that there were two Thursdays - I can't remember if it was last Thursday and the one before that, or two and three Thursdays ago - but definitely both Thursdays two weeks in a row when he was on/off almost all the entire day long. And I figured from that that he must now have Thursdays off work each week and was sitting around alone. So it could be a glitch, but just watching his patterns, I think he was probably on when it showed he was on. Sometimes when he's on a bunch, I'll leave my app open hoping he'll see me and say something. And sometimes when I see him on, I get right back off so that he won't think I'm lurking or thinking about him. See, games... I do it too, with no ill intent, just hoping it'll make him reach out.

 

I know I sound silly saying this...but I really feel this time is different. He knows we have done this back and forth thing 2 times. He kept saying this is never going to work and that means he feels if we were to try again, the same outcome would happen. I don't see him changing his mind. He's smarter and stronger than me. I'd try again in a heartbeat. He's more logical than I am. Feels like everything is so final to me. It's been 4 weeks and I don't see him changing his mind at all.

He's not smarter and stronger than you. He may try again in a heartbeat, too, if you reached out to him. You both may be waiting and wishing the other would speak first. He may be telling himself all the same things you keep telling yourself.

 

I understand that it feels final. And like I said somewhere above, maybe it's best to go forward under this belief rather than waiting in limbo. I think you're doing all the right things here, ksol. There's nothing I can think of that you should be doing any better or differently. You're doing exactly what you should be doing. And it will pay off in the end, even though I know it all feels a bit pointless at times since you're still feeling so sad. You should be really proud of yourself for the strength you've shown. I'm proud of you!! You're learning and growing, probably more than you even realize.

 

I've had this slight headache all day. I'm going to take a nice relaxing bath. Maybe that will help. I hope you have a good evening at work. Will talk to you later.

I hope you had a nice night. A relaxing bath sounds nice; I hope it made you feel better. I've tried to take baths and I get antsy after 5 minutes lol. I'm more of a shower person. But a bath with candles and dim lighting and a good book always sounds so wonderful to me. Bonus points if it's cold or raining outside. And then to crawl under nice clean sheets in a warm bed is just the best. I love anything cozy.

 

Anyways, I do hope you enjoyed your night and that you're getting some decent sleep. I'll be around tomorrow. I work every other day - work a day, skip a day - so I'll be around tomorrow. Goodnight.

[lostlove76]

I do hope your headache has gone away, I am sorry I have been MIA for a while, I have been dealing with stuff on my own. There is this guy I have been thinking about a lot and I really hate when they get so deep in your head. I love the fact that he is amazing, but I hate the fact that I am being co-dependent (waiting for his texts, waiting for him online etc.) I think at this point in my life I am done waiting for a man, if you know what I mean? I don't like that feeling of being in absolute limbo which I know you and lostlove can identify with.

 

Hi Unchained! I somehow overlooked your post earlier when I was replying to ksol's, I'm sorry. I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with crappy feelings of your own. I honestly think that we as women get the short end of the stick. The majority of the time, it's US who are hanging around in limbo waiting for a guy to decide or make his feelings known. They have all the emotional power. They know it, and we know it, and that's just how it is. And it SUCKS. There are occasions when the situation is reversed, as evidenced by the guy posts here on ena, but as a general rule, it's as I said above. In a way, this should make us check ourselves and quit giving them the power. But it's just not that easy. We're the ones who have all the strong emotions and get attached so deeply. It's biological. It's disturbing and distressing!!!

 

Anyways. This isn't a very positive post, I know. I just wanted to acknowledge and validate what you must be feeling. It seems like we need to strive towards being as cold and emotionless as possible to survive in this world of men who act the same. What is the solution?? I really don't know. I guess we just need to value ourselves enough to hold out for those few who value us enough to treat us well. The pickings are slim, but I guess they are out there. Let's quit giving our power away to a$$h0les and knock them off this pedestal that they, and we, put them on.

 

Hugs.

[Ksol9]

Hi. Not feeling the greatest today. I can't even really explain how I'm feeling exactly. I'm a little bit of everything I guess. I feel like I have this unsettling feeling about everything that happened and I'm walking around with it on my chest everyday. I'm irritated by everything and everyone even with myself. I'm even angry with him for doing what he did. He couldn't even tell me things were not going to work in my face...he sent it to me in a text. He's a coward and has always been when it came to matters like this with me and with everyone else. Avoidance is his best friend.

 

There are many days my emotions almost get the best of me. I have thought about contacting him as recently as this morning, but I won't. He treated me like I was nothing to him and the children. He took them to the airport and I was not able to see them before they left and haven't spoken to them since. He treated me so terrible and I have every right to be upset. For that reason alone, I remind myself not to contact him, to look away when I see him. I don't even know what I'm trying to wrack my brain for. It's been an entire month since we last spoke. He is moving on with his life. Even if he was hoping for me to attempt to talk to him, he's got to be out of his mind after the way he shoved me out of his life. He knows how much he hurts me and the ways things are right now is exactly how he wanted it to be. He wants to be left alone.

 

I took a look at some of my old posts here on the thread...just skimmed through. I do this every now and then. I guess its a way for me to remind myself of reality. I really have been spinning in the same circle for some time now. Everytime we get back together, I seem to forget what my goals are to change and we fall back into the same rut. Here I am again...saying, feeling, doing the same exact thing. My words are almost identical to times in the past. The same way I am feeling now is the same way I've felt before.

 

It has been an entire month since I moved out. In past breakups other times, there were a couple text messages here and there, a little poke here, another there. This time, we have been completely silent for an entire month. If he had any feelings for me or missed me, he would have contacted me. This is what he wants and he is going to continue walking away. I read something somewhere yesterday about making mistakes. It said...you will continue to make the same mistake until you learn your lesson. Well, it caught my attention because that is exactly what I feel like I've been doing. Making the same mistakes over and over and I'm not learning my lesson. He is constantly on my mind. I miss him and I'm angry at the time that is just passing by. Time that is being wasted on this misery. I know it takes time to heal and to move forward, but it's so time consuming and draining.

 

I feel terrible. I wish things were different. I wish I could talk to him. I wish we could resolve this. There is nothing I can do. I am the only one suffering over this. Everyone has moved on with their lives. The children are adapting to their new home with their mom, he's living his life and appears to be happy....I'm here crying over him. I dream of him every night and the bad dreams ruin my day like it did today. I feel like I'm in the dark, just stewing in anxiety and sadness. I just don't feel free of him....I still love him. All this silence...

[Ksol9]

OH GOSH! I made a purchase on ebay a little while ago for some logo patches to put on employee shirts. The credit card saved on file was his. He was the last one to order something from the account a couple months ago and I didn't realize it still had his credit card on file. All I saw was the last four digits and it said American Express. I figured it my my Amex card. When I received the receipt by email I looked at the card on file and the billing address and that is when I realized it was his card!

 

I immediately contacted the seller and asked to cancel. Luckily they responded within minutes. After a couple correspondences back and forth, they finally canceled the order but said the card was already charged and they will issue a refund. JEEZE! I know he has the american express app on his phone and as soon as a charge is made, he gets an alert, so I'm almost certain he got a notification for the charge. I rectified the issue and I know he will be refunded, but dear lord I hope he doesn't think I did that intentionally to try to make some sort of contact with him.

 

I feel like a total idiot. Such a stupid mistake.

[Ksol9]

Every time I've come here to respond to previous posts, I can't seem to get the motivation or energy. My mind is in all sorts of confusion. I'm trying my best to hang in there. I keep telling myself time is on my side. Give myself time.

 

Lostlove, I just wanted to say hi. I hope you're doing ok.

Unchained, hope you're hanging in there. Take care of yourself.

 

I'm sorry i haven't responded to either of your posts. I've been walking around with this weight on me and it's feeling heavier these days. After using his credit card on accident yesterday, I was full of anxiety and then I quickly realized he wouldn't know I'm the one who made the purchase. It would say the retailers name and it's being refunded, so I shouldn't worry.

 

I've spent the last month in sadness, anxiety, and despair. I lie awake at night thinking about him. Anxiety is worrying about the future and depression is worrying about the past. I think in the back of mind I tell myself that I may hear from him just because it happened that way twice before. I've got to let that go at some point. Things feel different and the circumstances are different as well. I think this is too much for him to face. There's nothing that can convince me he is missing me because this sure feels like he doesn't love me anymore.

 

I know I should trust the timing of my life. I should trust that everything will fall into its rightful place on its own, but I feel so uneasy. I don't know where I'll be in a month or even a year from now. I don't want this pain in my heart anymore. I can't help but think I haven't got it all figured it out like I think I have. I don't know why I've had so much troubles in relationships. I don't know why we couldn't get it right. I don't understand the purpose in all of this. Maybe one day it will all make sense. I reallly don't know what I did so terrible to deserve this. He doesn't know how much he's hurting me and I guess I don't know what he's really going through now that the children are gone.

 

Another Friday, another weekend. I have to accept that something isn't ironed out inhis heart and that's why he isn't anywhere to be found. He's gone like the wind. Ohhh..(deep breaths)

 

Hope everyone enjoys their Friday!

[UnchainedSoul]

Don't worry about responses, this is your journal, you come here to write about YOUR feelings. Just hang in there. I mean it's been said so many times that time is the ultimate healer, but when you're in it, in the present, it hurts bloody murder. I get it, I do. All that stuff with the credit card was a lot of worry on your part, when he will only see it as a charge going in and out. As far as your feelings go, they are valid and you are in pain. I've been rocked with a wave of depression that I can't even describe to you because this illness is such a slap in the face every time I try and get my life together.

 

But honestly I think you have just been overwhelmed with stuff on this thread, so I wouldn't even worry about it. The real issue is that, I think, you are still holding on to hope. You spent the beginning of this thread begging and wishing you would get back together, and then when you did get back together and found that email, it was all downhill. I understand the circumstances were different but you can't trust this man. If you WERE to open contact and get back together can you honestly say that you can put your feelings under a rug and magically trust him? Think about how you felt when you went back into the relationship. All the mistrust, anxiety and fear. This was toxic and you wishing to go back into a toxic situation.

 

Hang in there! Try to enjoy your weekend, I am sure lostlove will be around soon with some soothing words of wisdom of her own! Again don't worry about responses, as long as you're reading our suggestions here that's all that matters.